Athletico Mince - The Slaughters Collection Vol. 1

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

A compilation of Bob’s visits to spy on Adrian Lewis at the Slaughters restaurant from episodes 74 - 88. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You like your darts, don't you? I do. After every match, my favourite darts player players Adrian Lewis. Big, big glad, yeah big sweaty lad and after every match he goes out for a meat supper. Yeah, no. Now can I just say I'll insert in brackets here for any, for any people who don't know the darts instead of Adrian Lewis imagine this is the what's the old leads manager big like Oh, he's he called Evans or something. Oh, Steve Evans. Steve Evans. Yeah, or Sam Aladai It's just instead of Adrian Lewis if you're not a darts person just imagine one of those big old fashioned lads So would you play the way it for me? And because I've written down I heard I overheard their conversation I'd love to so I was on the tape recording, is it? No, no, no, we'll have to act it out.

I wrote it down. So I was, happened to be on the next table at the slaughterhouse restaurant near the Ali Pali after one of his matches in the world championship, yeah. Now, he doesn't read the menu. I don't know whether it's because he can't, you know, he doesn't read it. He just asked the waiter to read it out.

All the meat options for him are from the menu, yeah? Right, he did. So if you could start, yeah? For Starless, we have roast porno maro and salad. Oh, porno maro, okay now, that's got me popping. Does it come with any of the meats? No, does the forger and salad sir. Oh, that's her Fugan.

Oh, I'll move on then. What's next? Him liver, untruist. Oh, liver, do, Fugan. Will you, Fugan? No, you've hit the bulls eye, the hermit. Is it in the lump or a paste? A cinnepattia, sir.

A patia, Fugan, get in. So I could eat it with a spoon, Fokki-S. Does it come with any meat juices? So, just the toast. So, Fokki, sorry, Bob. Is the toast put there? Oh, or Fortman, as it been submerged in dripping. Pull us up, I'll tell you what, I'll have the bone marrow and the liver,

but hold the salad and the toast, and give me a big fork and dapts spoon, take it with. Now give me the meatmen's, you fucker. We have roast my lard, with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an-with an the man with that in my gut, a fork yes. Is it on the bone, your vulca? Yes sir, fork it in. Oh, fork bang, one hundred and a half, the neater the bone, the sweeter the meat. I love one of them, but all the veggies, like mustard, carry on. Right, there's a fork with a fork, ain no-solo in stick. Serve with roast cauliflower. Ha!

It's too late. It's sweet potato mash. Oh, 14, fork and ounces of hot muscle, oh, fork, fork, fork, what do you, you trying to do to make you meet here? Oh, sir, that's a whole bunch of fork as well. Pfft! Oh, fuck yes. That's a whole bunch of fuckers man. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Oh fuck yes.

One of them and all your fucking no carry on. Right, Sturgeon Kiddie Pie. We're cabbage and we're but ears. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Kidney's all fucking wallop you dirty bastard. Is it pigs, ox, or lamb, Kidney's all fucking wall up you dirty bastard. Is it pigs, ox or lamb, Kidney?

Oaks, Kidney, all fucking, all fucking, all fucking, all, Tell me, is the best, real hard best? Yes sir, and fucking world this time was so added, beef dripping. Beef dripping. Oh fuck met, just let my pillow at home, I'll take the pie as well, but hold that fork and wetch, any fork inside or the sea. Fock off, yes of course, a lump of laden, a couple of inchotters, or glory be you beautiful bastard.

Ah, and the drink, sir. A juggerlouc warm gravy and a pint of fukin' bofferel. Certainly, sir. Well, that'd be all you fukin' ones. Have you got it? Have you got any spare bones for me, sent Burnett? Of course, sir. You are a f are a fucking diamond and get a fucking fart on my slacks of sweating up like a bastard sponge. And that was all I had. That's what went down, that's what went down. Oh, Jesus.

Just ate some of this on. A very powerful, a powerful scene. Yeah. I think it was a little bit, was it a little bit like the movie, try to think with those deep voices and like the the lack of joy. Can you think of a movie analogy? So

Early this week I were up and get only Alexander Palace again. Do you know what I was actually doing? Do you know me rare gone? Oh, yeah, you may be rare gone. I brought that either and the palace again. Do you know what I was actually doing? Do you know what I mean? Rare gun. Oh yeah. I got you. I forgot that either. I forgot that. Ah! The, um, it won't kill it once. Everyone seems to be immune to it.

So I was getting, going to get it serviced. Right. And I happened to pass a lot of the restaurant. Right. So I was, I saw the agent before. And I lost a bun in and signage up advertising that today was a meat meat festival day. Yeah it's right, meat festival everywhere so it didn't take a genius to guess the agents Lewis would be inside. Yeah so I popped in. It's about

eight or even about what 11 o'clock in the morning but you're enough there it was so enough for me to sat on his own at a table talking to the waiter again going through the menu I suspected so I slipped into the next move and had a good old listen so I heard you and starts off so what's this meat festival about lad? at an all-de-event we'll serve nothing but meat and meat-beast produce. Ah, fuckin' dear long! Oh, you gorgeous bastard! So you mean what you say is, no veg whatsoever to ruin a party.

You've hit the nil right on its fuckin' head there. Oh, you beautiful hard-line, meaty, genius? I could happily grab you in my arms and give you a full-on, sweaty kiss. You lay a single finger on me, sir, and I'll fuck and rip your lungs out your bag of fuck. Fair fucking, no! Fair fucking no foot. Hold on.

What about chips? Oh, chips are not a vegetable, vegetable so they are 52% beef driven. 52% beef drinking or power me up you fucker. What about vinegar is that allowed? We have a new or fucking idea of what vinegar is so we'll leave another customer's discretion. I'll pass thanks it, it's got the whiff of a fruit or a berry about it. Aries a fork pellet, sir, they'd be better off. Snicks it.

Here, for him, here, so run me through the starters, you slag fork. Here we go, boiled neck, end of lamb, with deep fried hens kidneys, and a pig's blood-fuckin' coulars. Oh, do, fuck off, will ya? Oh, you fuck off. What a fucking combo. That's got me popping tards. You could die on that and power a tractor with the aftertard.

Yes, it's a very large bunch of foxer. We also have grilled poor maro, with crispy pork sprinkles, served on a bed of, get this pork, fork and belly. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Have I imagined the angels' tears? But now I am to test them. I'll take them, fucking bone, Marrow. Now give me the man's, your fucker.

Well done, fucking tight. Cause this is gonna send you all away to planet fuck. It's a four beast roast. Oh fucker. Or you fuck off. Listen, it's a mall stuffed in our rabbit, it's stuffed in our pig's head, it's been rammed right inside a fucking seal. Oh, while it you dirty bastard, I'll take it. It's slow, fuck, I'm roasted in my...

Fuck bang, that's a bowl for the nigh-dart finish. You beautiful, beautiful vendor of the fat. Thank you. Would you like a fuck and drink? Could you siphon off some of the sea-pitch from the pork belly? Fuck, yes. We'll have to yellk, yes, will I be all you fork when one's sir. Oh, do you have any shinn or jar-born for me, sent-burned? No, so fork and sorry about that.

Fork, I do have a poor and so-or-joint from off of your donkey. If that's any good. Fork fucking perfect. Now get a fart on. I've got the pre-meat sweats and me knickers are taking the brunt. A fucking will. Oh, and I've went the way. Yeah.

And I've got to be honest, the stenching that place on the eye, I'd in order. I ran out of some of the way I went about. Too much for you. Too much for me, yeah. Yeah, you've got your limits in the norm. Well, I've got our some as he went out. Too much for you. It's on a toe, much for me, yeah. Yeah, you got your limits, isn't it? Rest in the north. Well, I've got our limits when it comes to me, Andy.

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You want to get a car boat, so I'm buying you one. Well, the only thing is, Andy, it's quite under, isn't ready, so I'll be able to go to slotters again, you know what I mean? Yeah, I guess that's true. I get in there, there's Adrian Lewis, as expected, but he's not eating on his own, right? He's sat there with Steve McLaren. Oh!

So that's an interesting dining combination isn't it? Very much so yeah. Anyway this is what I overheard. They're sat at the table with the waiter right? So this is Slotters Mr McClaren like I told you it's got more meat per square foot than an undertaker's after a flu epidemic. Oh that's a bit tasteless, Adrian. Oh, like our Foggan mates, which is a bona fide, a taste explosion, like a thousand tiny

drawers being slowly opened on your palate. Just you wait, Mr McLaren. You won't know what's hit you, unless you've previously been knocked out with a hammer fashion from pure meat. What's your specials today, you slackfork? We have a double, two inch thick, griddle, shropper, pork chop, sliced from pigs that have been fed only on dripping infused, fork and turnips. Oh, I love pork chops! Casper my snake likes to chew on one when we're watching Prow in the afternoon. Do you remove the fat? No, we're fucking doing so. We're removing most

of the actual fucking meat and then hiding the bin. Oh pork chops are very, very, fucking fatty. Oh I'm not sure I like the sound of that. So what vegetables does it come with? Wow. Your fierce, with a choice of thick cut, or double-cooked chips, both fried in mechanically recovered cattle grease. You can have a portion of both if you want. I don't give a fly and fuck me.

No, well, that certainly got me popping you meaty hero. Yes, it's a whole other bunch of fuckers and it's a- Oh, does the chop come with an apple sauce? No, it does fucking that. Apple's in a fruit and as such I could hear it as fuck buttons in this establishment sir. The choker hated as fuck buttons in this establishment, sir. OK, that's the chop saw. What's next? Hold on, fucking tight, because this is going to send you to the Fugutarium and back by Fugunbuss. A whole Fugun ox tongue, boiled in tabwata, served with X-Spie O'Fius that sported a very fork and startled, expressually deep. O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'Fius O'F You saw a seven inch stay-lux plate coming down on your fucking neck. Oh, you noble, hard-line meaty genius.

Does the ox tongue come with the blood sausage side dish? Nurse there, so fucking sorry about that. Oh, fuck off. Oh, you fuck off. Listen, the chef's husky ate all the blood sausage while it's shift was sure to dig me a cargass ripping out the fucking chellings. Oh, daft dog, naughty dog, bad dog. Well, I'm going for the fucking ox tongue and give me a glass of the pan water to go with it.

What about you, Mr McLaren? Do you know, I think maybe I'll just have a pudding. What have you got? Stig and kidney pudding. Serve the Holland-based sauce. Fuck off. No, you, fuck off, sir. Show her, surely, not, surely you mean Holland-Days sauce.

No, sir. Holland-based. It's liquidized, fucking big and round. Oh, do you know what, Adrian? I think me and Casper will just pop up at the road to Mrs. Fanny's kickbox. The menu here is a bit too rugged for us. So you're fucking self, I am not shifting. I've got a whole deep inside of me and in need's filling with fork and heart maids.

Come on Casper, let's go and get some iced buns and the baggy yum yumms. What a soft foggen shite he is. Did you not fancy it? That's like the pepperoni that's on top of his head. Hey I heard that. It's not a pepperoni. It's my her island. It's my her island.

What I couldn't tell us about it. Island! It's my hand Island! Well I couldn't tell us about it. Well I'd be footing else, sir. Oh one thing, have you got something for Patrick? Massend Bernard, you not keeping occupied. What a good thorax to the trick. Oh for yes, now get a fart on. My thighs are beginning to ooze and I've only got an hours worth of tissues. I very much fucking will sir. You fucking will

take there if you can. So that was. Oh, I got so lucky. Yeah, going in just in there all the time basically. You're gonna love any any time of day or night you'll be in there. There's a meeting meat into his fist pushing the meat, but Stay for current. I don't think he'll be going back to the slaughterhouse. I don't think I think he likes the look of Mrs. Him Mrs. Fancy's cake box. Yeah, same stuff suit him Have you been to Slotters recently oh? Yeah Have you been to Slotters recently? Oh yeah!

Tell me about it. When I was just got back from New York I'd know. You've been busy already? Yeah, so I've always wanted to go to their Sunday, it's a legendary, their Sunday meat worshiping event. The original idea apparently was that you came straight from church church then got stuck into some carcasses yeah but like as the to be honest the church has receded the Sunday meat worships gone skyrocket anywhere sit down Adrian is in his usual seat chatting to the waiter right so and this is kind of how it went as I remember I was said meet taste even more delicious and mucky on a Sunday.

Yes sir, I know where better to enjoy than here at the stadium of Fuck. Oh exactly, so come on don't fuck about what's on offer. Strobbing lad calls a selection a strife from the dreadful mind of a guest chef Ron Crags. Ron Crags, Ron Cra-thee, Ron Crags, the inventor of the 12-inch Laman-Pellican meatball. The very folk in Siem, oh folk, what has he prepared for our meat-stab stomachs?

No hold on tight sir, because this is gonna send you rather focussieum and back by in a meat-powered jetpack. It's a wool shoulder of pork marinated in otter piss, then slow roasted in the stomach lining of a circu-t-hose. Fuck you. No you fuck off. You beautiful merciless sculptor of meat. Don't it come with any side meats? Yes, say, faking dizz. Thins, laced goods and mercs.

Pan-finished mouse hands, an acrylic cyst from a miniature pig. I need here no more. And at that point, Andy, Ron Craigs, the celebrity meat chef, will arrive at the centre. Oh, yeah. May I introduce you to Ron Fukin Craigs? Oh, oh, sort of pleasure to meet you, Ron. You meaty hero. There you go. Pleasure to make your way to the new fat pork. Do what's it like playing dance, is it then fucking exciting?

No, not really. My mind's always on the next panor meet. Here's just a temporary distraction. No, man, I get you in your big fucking red. You're taking a piss. No, no, no, I was just there. I said you're getting a fucking piss! You fuckbuckers! Ha ha ha ha! Run, I am so very sorry on behalf of Adrian.

He's a good lad and meant nothing by his fancy fucking free-asology. Are you sure? Are you for your fucking piss, Ticknow? Don't get mad, you old man, run. I'll pull***ing face to pieces and feed it to me don't me. Got, thought, very f***ing sudden. So your f***ing should be? And Ron left right. Oh that's why you should never meet your heroes I suppose. I especially am make me ones.

I met Bern and Martha used ones. He was a right clad. Well, at Biosa. Oh, fuck. Have you got some nibble, sorry, for Patrick, me saying Bern-Ed? Well, a very, very tough piece of shapes ligabled to the trick. You're fucker. I'll be perfect.

Now get a fart on, will you? Me back, cracky, sweating up, and I'm only wearing one nappy. A very much fucking well sir. I enjoy doing that. I'm very much so yes very strong. So runcranx is a guess chef. Yeah he's an excitable fella. Yeah. But edgy. He's a bit he's a bit what's a little Joe pesky you need. A little bit yeah. That vibe about him. a bit what's a little Joe pesky you need a little bit yeah that vibe about him

so I went to slaughters again last week Andrew I was in the area to finally a fault pick up me rare gun you know but it turns out they've had to send it somewhere really special to get it repaired well was that one? Ipswich it's had to go to a whipswich. Really? Yeah, so what I mean by it means that at least I go into slotters. So I'm wondering two slotters, yeah. Take up me sitting near Adrian's table and the waiter comes over. So hello there, could I have a menu please? Have you brought a bone with you sir? No, no, sorry, what do you mean? Today is brim and bone for the chef's husky team dear.

No born, no fog and meat. Oh, I honestly didn't know. And I didn't know a short fat ball and top of fuck had walked into my restaurant. So there you go, it's a wonderful fog and plan I really want to let's let the fog. Look, I promise. I'r oes, oes yn fwy fwy fwy yn plan. Mae'r oes yn fwy fwy. Mae'r oes. Mae'r oes yn fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy fwy f Didn't fucking leg him at a chip on his shoulder the size of a fucking garbumba and where's your car? I mean you fucking van I just look I to Bill. I just don't know how I could have known you know what I mean

Well at this point I hear a massive fart and a belch and it's Adrian Lewis arriving at his table Yeah, now the way I obviously just wants to go and attend to and say I'm going, look I promise. I don't fuck off with that promise, sir. I'll be back in a minute. Don't fuck and touch anything. Or it'll be a night on fucker by island for Yose. So he goes to serve Adrian and of course Andrew, I'll listen in there.

So, oh fuck, oh I am popping for a meat hit. He is a donkey sit for the chef now hit me with the agammon fucking cannon. Of course sir, and me I say a very full satchel of fucks to you sir, for the bird. Oh come on, oh fuck, what are the mains you fucker? You fucker, you have a choice between a blunt hammered 4 inch thick, sirloin stick, marinated in pork water. Oh pork water, pork water, oh fucker. Sorry you fuck off.

Pork water, the salty nectar of the pig, I don't mind saying my ring pieces pulsated like a frog's cheeks, what fuck fucker. a'r pigg, a'r o'r oes yn ymwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch. A'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwch, a'r pwyllwuck, you meet me fucking genius, you giant fucking busol bell. I'll take the sirloin and pour water. Are you doing the crispy chimp thing, Sardish? No sir, I am so fucking sorry. Fuck off. No sir, you fuck off. Just bring it with a mixed fats platter then.

Well that'd be fucking awesome. I say you haven't brought us and burn it with a mixed fat splatter then. Would that be fucking awesome? I say you haven't brought your son burn it with your idea? No, no, I fucking couldn't. He's got the diary here. Ah, the quickly shit. Hehehehe, hehehehe, hehehehe, he's nigh uncovered the driveway with his dirty business. So I left it at home with the heating full on to sweat it out. Can I get your fucking drink, sir?, where the steak is made flat-handed? Yes, good, I just have a glass of sink water please.

So, sir, I shall jump on that request like a fuckin' bullwinger in a creamery. So, the waiter passes by my table again on the way to the kitchen. Oh, come back when you've got a fucking bone. Now I forget cheeky, fucking hermit. So, you know, I left. Right, right, should have brought a bone. Which is fine, because I heard what agent, yeah, I heard agent, so that's what I came for, yeah.

And I'm not a big fan of pork water and shinsa, shinshavens. Yeah. So I thought we're a good result should have brought a bone so I'll see him do you know check off is there a sign outside or something you could have read for what you're winning? probably was I'm there but when I look at a bone surely right you know you buy you put like just put like Google that bone and then they're being one wanting to push us something nearby, surely.

I, Andrew, was in North London last week. Oh, wait. I've been some special shoes with lifts and them fitted. You know, to give me that bit of extra height. Yeah. Like so, I don't have to ask the wife to get the suites down from me that bit of extra height. Yeah. Like so I don't have to ask the wife to get the sweets down from the top shelf. Of course. Yeah. She keeps them. Um, shops called, and I think it's quite, I think it's called raising agents. That's the

alright in it. It's good. That's clever. Um, so in North London. Yeah. After the fitting, right? Of course, you know where I went. I went straight to the slotters. Right, yeah. The way to clocked me straight away, and this is how it went. All right. I see your back again. It's Thursday. Did you bring something matey for the chef's Husky as required? Yeah, I did actually. Yes, I got some rib bones from a fox I found in an area. Bones? That was last week, a shuddy parcel of imported fuck it's gravy Off at redated here no gravy no fucking meat no I'm sorry I had an

Absolutely no idea it's all on our fucking website so if only you take the time and trouble a check in advance I should what is it just like slaughters com or something no meat party dot party.fuck.org actually. Well at this point right it goes a bit dark, feel a little bit of vibration in the floor. It's aging arriving at its table yeah. So the waiter. I'll be back shortly. Don't move a muscle or you'll be looking at a one-way trip to that ministry of f***. So off he goes to surveyed you and of course asked our aawwiggin, you know, see what's been said. Sayedry in there, and oh fuck, I am gagging and a popping for a piping hot doors of afternoon meat. By the way, I've left a- It's coming at 67%

F**k off and get in now What is today's specials? What can you and I mean specifically you Launch into my F**ken face in the next 45 minutes Get this, you lump of pure f**k Option 1 is a wicker basket fashion from Arles and Flange sausages, filled with pan fried slices of free-range turkey wakl. Oh, fuck that's got me, Jiggy Nanna joggin.

You me Tahiro, my belly juices are doing the fuckin' macarena over here. Too right, the combination of flavours and texturesys and Textures will send you all away to the land of Fuckin' Ori and back again just in time for the Fuckin' Wumbles. Don't commit to it just yet, though. Your second option is Alpha Cooled. Alpha Cooled. Oh, which Alpha? Which Alpha?

Top Alpha. Oh, yes, oh, Fuck yes. Fuckin' continue the description right now now you flesh-baddling titan. Half a quilt, medium scorched in an industrial furnace, and garnished with a dullup of pureed mule fetlux. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, You better serve at both options, it's the only way. Anything left over can be blended and decanted into be thermos for the ride home. What about sides? I'd highly recommend the steroid-fueled racing snails, served on a bed of boiled chicken livers.

Steroids is it, how far is the steroids could get me drummed out of that? For about 18 months plus? Oh, I might take a chance though for a delve into the pleasure of racing snails, do the com shalon. No, sir, very fucking sorry sir. The shells have all run it, due to the stirruids. They come naked and fucking massive. Oh, fuck you greasy little enabler.

Christ my tits are twitching so hard that I'm about to fly off their fucking mooring. Have you got something to keep me sent Burner Dappie? I could boil up some oxy elis in that dirty fucking gravy you brudd. Oh that's lovely now get her far tonne. I'm already on the fucking brinck sir. And like so before I e could nick me yeah yeah and tell me to get out because I know that's where he was coming, I took me chance, right? Yeah. I've gotten certain I'd nicked off.

Yeah, so that was nice, because I only really got here, so I've a bit of a listen. And then I was out back onto the streets. Yeah. So I might as well tell you what, I've pended slorters, yeah? Yeah.

Take the table right next to Adrian, who's already sat there with the waiter, giving him his order. Good afternoon to you sir and may I first of all say a very warm and heartfelt fuck off to you and welcome again to the stadium of pure muscle you a muscle fuckery. Oh, oh, much a fucking appreciated sir. Rumour has it that the one an only meaty genius wrong fucking crags is head chef again today. Correct sir, and that opens up a whole new nightmare of animal bastardization and I say about fuckery. Oh fuck fuck, well up my tip milk is curdling in anticipation as we speak.

What would you recommend for my 100% meaty Vulcan starter? I would look no further than the Ron Cragg's platter of cool-shaped ox-tongue strips, serve the decent to a big fucking lump of turkey fat. Oh, fuck, fuck, oh, Vulcan, how exactly are the strips shaped you, forking clunker? Rubbed her own run, stice, and ball sack, as he sleeps in the boot of his vulvery, 90-meat wagon. Fork, oh! Oh, you fork off, I'll take two of those platters, and let's go large on the fork and turkey lump.

What about men's? Me, I recommend the nine-inch sphere of fork and turtle brun, dressed with a wig a finely pulled goose ligament in the ship of a mullet. Oh, does it come with a goat's horn on the side? No sir, so very fucking sorry, but I promise this dish will tell you our lawyer to the prudleeth school, if I don't give a fuck and back again on the fucker dilly lane. Well, at that point Ron Crags themselves, the actual Ron Crags arrived at the table. What the hell are you doing? I'm the first day back on the telly. What's on the shit chat? Fwch i'r ôl tooddwy'n, am yna ffas ddefnau, am yna fel ei'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, o'r ôl, sorry about that run. It hits me, tits, you know. There, there on the revolve and

throwing out gobules, you know, like a sent burnin' on a merry-go-round. Listen, run, get back in the fucking kitchen and work your magic. Let me deal with the customers. I'll deal with you in a minute, mate. I'll deal with me shank, Malle. Well, sure enough, Ron does have a big mallet in his hand and he's clearly got a lamp, the way he's... Jesus. Well, just at that moment, I realize I've still got the fires of rare gun in me pants, right?

So I blast Ron, he falls to the deck, yeah? Where they all just think he's out of the attack, they're not expecting Reg or an attack, you know what I mean? Don't die, Ron, you're too young, and there's too much meat to be cooked informed by your gifted meaty face. Oh, worrisome, I'll drag him back to the kitchen, the meaty vapors will soon bring him round. Or, couldn't you fetch some knuckle treats, on me, Sam Bernad? Oh, I'll you're in there.

Consider it already fucking done, sir. Well, I took me chance, Andy, and left, you know, in case another dinosaur would see me with the rag on and that. So did you think that story was a bit like the movie Pan's Labyrinth? You know, cause it's got food in it and that. And kind of, cause this Pan pans involved in the cooking of meat and it seems to be a pan thing that the sword saw far I'm gonna see it yeah I'm

gonna see yeah and can I just say Andrew that people might be thinking well he does have a rag on because I had the Pfizer in me pants but I returned it to the shop because that's not my style a bit'd be a thief. No, no. So, ones I really love. We have a bastard, but not a thief. I'm not a thief. So, Andy, I will open North London again last week at the Police Training College in Hinden. Right, yeah. I was giving a talk about the use of drones.

Of course, yeah, and crowd control. I'm very honest with you. Hostage hostage situation. Yes very much so yes. It went down very well. Is that a crime club spin off thing? No it's something I don't talk about it a lot. Right well don't but military technology in that and I'm kind of the go-to fella. Yeah. So I went down well I was feeling cock hoops, I thought I'd pop into slotters. It's just on the corner really. Oh yeah, yeah. Um, as I sit down, the waiter is at Adrian Lewis's table taking his order. Good afternoon to you, sir. Can I start by wishing you a very warm welcome aboard the HMS Fook. Strap yourself in nice and tight for your ordeal, and fuck off where you're about it. Oh, your tender words, mate Margaret's old heartleab with joy.

Let's hope your hot offerings are just as tender. What's going on today? What's going on today, you meaty geek gatekeeper? I'm happy to announce that Ron Cragg's has once again heard his rancid ass in the whole kitchen, and that three ambulances have already attended the scene as a result of his methods. All my testies just switched over positions at the thought of his meaty heart astray fork fork fork. What do you recommend for a starter?

You mighty grizzled king. To give you will a picture of pan-ruined yachtured, drenched in bint juice that's curdled slightly, while on a ship, over from New Zealand. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, just how curdled is it? Six percent curdled, it's a... Oh, that's some prime fucking curdle. Oh, yeah, and it's accompanied by a side dish

of lately infected puff and lips, served cheekily, or one of Ron's used bandages. Fuck off. No you, fuck off. Fuck bang, fuck, plank, plank, my guts are roaring in anticipation of this flashy bounty. Right on the me options for men's, you depraved grease in airbler. Well, option one, we'll send you all away at the shit-town and back again, in the outsidely and of the M-Fuck. It's volcano-roasted lumps of army wolf, and an anonymous sauce, dumped on a bed of spaghetti, made from zebra arteries.

Holy Fucker Mowley, plent it up now you monkey little titan. I only want to hear the second option out of politeness. Should you fucking face right? Cos option two is a blanket of brisket that's been fried on an electricity pile on next door to a new gala power station. Oh fuck fuck fuck. Pile on fried cow blanket. I love a king size fork. I think I've just spilled myself all over myself. Sir, foot in Surrey, about that. Well just then Ron Crags' appears out of the kitchen, furious as always.

Yeah. What the fuck am I going to do? Oh yeah! Are you two planning on we'd get the win? Fuck untrally! Dennis, what are you hiding? So I'm cracking on we were chosen young cakey-uns. I was just allowing the customer to explore the full gamut of our specials menu, Ron.

GAMMIT WHAT THE F**K N-W-WHAT? WHAT DO YOU F**K? I THINK THIS IS F**KING COUNTDOWN! Sorry Ron. Anyway, if that boy were me, I'd get a load of my new idea. Slow the chose day. What the f**k's that when it's on the pot like? Mae'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r ddech yn yw'r d like you know don't fucking me the man vice mr. fucking Lewis I've got a grant for it and it's in a rope tough area oh fuck fuck fuck yes count me in

then good luck I'll go and get a lunch the horse call and for your sick burn it they're ragabone in the capac so that's what went down really I left without ordering because to be honest with you, I don't agree with Ron Craigs' method understandable. It's private down in there though as well. Rubbed off area. Yeah, rot. Nice.

So that's like a theme in it. Kind of. Yeah. Oh, earlier, I was walking, when I came here earlier, Andy, I saw that, you know, slaughters. Yeah, yeah. You know, that barrack street there. Slaughters has got a pop-up meat, you know, the ass-coffing in, in, in's the opening day he's in the doorway acting as

some like kind of guest of honor greeting people or whatever he was sat in on his throne when a toga and a little crown just for fun that made it sausages I've got he looks great at the toga Lewis anyway who should walk past right you know believe true. But Mr. Lawrence and Mr. Mark Lawrence. Nice. Yeah. So I had round the back, peeked through a gap and listened in. As Adrian lowered Mark in, right? Oh, yeah. Ooh, all right, oh, fuck, fuck, all right, Mark.

Ooh, how does he speak? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, a little bit lower in there. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. All right, Mark. All right, Mark, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, But it smells intriguing, so I'll come in and see what you've got. So Mark sits down at the table beside Adrian's throne and the where a joysome. First of all, sir, can I only welcome you in this collapsible hut of Carrivy, Grizzell and Fook. Take a seat and expose every one of your senses to our atrocity exhibition.

I hope you'll enjoy your time in our urgent, happening, fuk bag." Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say. Fuk the pudding, sir. Can I introduce you to your personal meat advisor, Adrian Lewis. Oh, yes, I'll all there now. This is, we've already met. This is, this is a Ron crags event, Mark. He'll take you one of our hud right into the bowels of the Bermuda Fookangle. Who is Ron crags when he's at home? Ron crags is the country's leading mate only chef. He devised the days offering during

a tantrum which led to a small stroke. I think you'll find that it is some of his finest work. Well, I'm not sure, it all sounds rather intense. What would you recommend as a starter? Something subtle, perhaps. About a cabab of kangaroo triceps, that have been nailed to a rack, before being lightly tickled with an industrial blowtorch.

Oh, forky, forky, forky, as you may hear, I can feel the lad in my gut rising like sapping readiness for this. I'm not sure. Oh, there's a ruck of capabira ribs dredged in a source of chili blended with bider. Perhaps I'll go straight to the mains. Give me all the stuff he doesn't want. Pile it up in a bowl, allow my first into it. So someone must have told Ron

crags like that his starters had been rejected because he comes stomping out you know he recumbs. Oh yeah, oh see I keep out here little fuck ball there's not back my kangaroo kebabs. Look no offense master I'm just looking for a light bite to tide me over until dinner. A light fucking bite! Do I look like some kind of fuck fingered little passing it fucking merchants? Alright Ron, calm down. The idea of this pop-up is all about trying to be inclusive remember? You'll get the fucking kick of my fucker, a winger picker included in his hole in

anus. If he doesn't play a ball I've got a van full of diabolical meat on the back and the flies are staring at the gather-lay, get your foot and man-made up before my stroke flared up to the big devils again. And Ron stomps off back to his kitchen. I don't care much for his tone. Maybe so would like to consider the medley of Swan-neck stuffed with marinaded shrews. It's been pre-cooked with decommissioned army leases, and then rested in Ron's armpits for 62 hours, with her being roasted in a quay.

Oh, Quarry, Quarry, Quarry, Quarry, Quarry cooked for Keaton Swan. Oh, yes, for come on now, yes, I'm lathering myself up in the unspittly. You've got a choice of either eating it, or putting some one's windows in with it. No, I'll pass on that, anything else. Well, there's peacock kidneys served on a bed of doodles that's made out of boiled ape hair. Oh, that sounds vile. They've been hand-rolled in pig sherbet.

Pig sherbet? Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, that's got me popping. I'll alert Mr. Crackers right away. Make sure you do your fresh pimping sorcerer. If you got any blinder wipes, I'm gonna need a full box here. Certainly, your fucker. Mr. Lewis, would you like me to dig for your talker? So you send Burnett, can suck on some of its areas when you get home?

Oh, it's like you can read my fork and mind. And where the one, you know, I'm And I hope Mark enjoyed it. I left because of the stench, you know, but did you think that store a bit like gorspusters? You know because that had that four four blocks in it in an outdoor incident, you know what I mean Yeah, see what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. I'll see you. Yeah, go on then Hey, I was up in Blackpool the other day, Andy. It was to do with me, Rhaegon. It was a convention on there where you could try it.

Summer as well. I got a bit of advice on repairing mine. Anyway, it's nice. The data was on there as well, this way, Blackpool. Oh, right, yo. Well, that's probably why I keep all ties in Andrew. I came across a slaughter's restaurant on the beach and I snuck in just after I saw Adrian Lewis going in

I sat down in the corner and of course I had a good old listening. This is what happened. Greetings sir, take a seat and allow me to welcome you to this, the church of the poison fuck. I've had your chair placed on a concrete slab so that your callous, traffic heft doesn't cause it to sink into the sand. Oh, good man. Oh, yes I've heard you were coming up here. Put me right off me, darts, though. Got knocked out by some twat from the border in round one. Never mind, what's on the menu? For Star starters, there's a special themed platter, entitled, stuff we found on the fucking beach. But I should warn you, there's a high, non-meat element to that, i.e. sewage. Oh, get that shit as far away from me as you

physically can, you rancid fraudster. I don't come here for veganism. So are fucking sorry about that sir. I'll move on. Say that you do. And pronto. The only other starter up should for you is a bat. I'm assuming you'll be ordering that. Oh, a fucking batay. How does it come? Racer. Racer, fucking bat, I can feel my gull at clenching in anticipation already. Wings on or off.

Answer! Do I look like some guy to Charlotte? And not, no, of course not. And what will help my options for the mains? You can have a rack of fox shins that have been rammed into the boiled belly of a badger and poor dehybrid. Oh yes, you meaty, fucking hero. I'll take two of those fuckers with no further questions. What else is there?

Just then Andrew run crags of he is a good or not as well. I Know who's there No run says knock knock all right knock knock Who's there? Oh, I know you're sick. Then you don't fuck Sorry, Ron. I thought it're sick and you don't fuck. Sorry Ron, I thought it was a game. I don't play a game, didn't I? I'm just off the detender, I had some meat, but I repeatedly hurling it off the top of

the tower, if you got any requests. Well, I'm not forced anything with excessive levels of tetorice, not a fucking other, I'll just swing by the zoo on the way and say what I can cap, yeah. And with that he was gone. Did that story remind you of the Elvis Presley movie, Blue Hawaii, you know, seeing that it was on the beach and that. But I was thinking that on the way through, this is just like Blue Hawaii, yeah. Thank you.