Athletico Mince - The South African Collection Vol. 2

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

A wide range of terrifying South African experiences from episodes 57 to 87. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh and he saw I don't know if you know like right what Adam Adam Liliana Yeah they live a poor player has been over in South Africa. He's been getting treatment for his hamstring injury from the world's greatest rehab facility. Do you have some kind of information about what you've got over there? In South Africa. Yeah, with Cany. You know, he actually, he actually, isn know he actually then they said isn't this an interesting Andrew He actually got the injury when he was using his leg to point at an electricity substation that was making an irritating home

Okay, yeah, it's an interesting thing to be irritated by in it and they was at a home or a whistle home It's the rear facility is at a place called Green Point and the specialising by your kinetics, which is special exercises, right, and drugs that repair muscle. Now, did you notice, Andy, I used the word re-hab facility. I've got, I didn't, you didn't. You did? Crucial. Yes, I noticed that you didn't.

Well, no, it's just that, it makes it sound a bit like secret and futuristic, doesn't it? Oh yeah. Rear facility. So that's given this story quite a big kick, isn't it? A bit of gravitas. Yeah. Already? Yeah. Anyway, it's supervising doctors called Tony, I don't know if it's, I've got palladium,

but it's a spurt, I don't know quite, I would say it. And in Manadam, they got on like a house on fire. Right. Right, Tony's like a real alpha male Oh, yeah, you know, oh, I was just gonna say just like me and you're freaking came in there like this I'm not for me. I'll fire me. Mr. Scissors So Tony I South African all right, Adam you bitch We hit the draft down for it on me me and I want to on your panties.

So you know is that kind of bloke you know what I mean? Al familiar, one of them. So Adam says, are you like you very much already I do? We should go and have a fart on some side a later on. In fact how you fucking insist. Tony says, you're a gym mate, you're a gym or meet your hotel. This is going to be a great rehab. And there's slap each other a bit, you know, like that's fun in it,

for fellows and that. So it's just in fun, there's slap each other. Well, the treatments really scientific, Andrew, you know, Andrew, you know, like as a special, like pad attached to his thigh, special insoles put in his trainers that makes a vibration buzzer sound if he's not walking Exactly how he should be yeah, it's got an ankle bracelet thing that monitors blood flow step rate heart rate location Where he is is blood sugar the getting lot right? Tony puts the gear on Adam and He's a Tony says oh now where you are, what you're doing?

How you're moving? The howl gamut you little bitch? Don't ever take the price and offer you fuck up the treatment. I'll tell you what to do. Your leg complexion is off the scale. Beautiful towns, what's your secret? Or you apply sizzly? That's the brand, sizzly, sage and ginger contouring oil.

Every evening and twice a day I rub in Evolve satin leg glass, it's non greasy and adds a lovely sparkly sheen. Die, look yummy mate. Or thought you livapooled, you used the nivvy arrange. What's his accent? Adam Lelana. Oh, oh, oh, oh, no I wouldn't touch that shit with my tolling pole. Anyway that even saw that you know they're getting on with all the band-runs and that evening

Adam's having a stroll around looking for a nice mustard v-neck jumper to tie around his neck that'll look nice when it incurs. And he stops this blog and asks him. He says, excuse me on pre, do you know where there's a shop that sells luxury? Hi-end cash me your sweaters. Well, this blog tells him he does Ask Adam to follow him oh Well if I was there and Joe I would Intervade but so it follows him and they slip off the main road and cut round the back of a multi-story car park. So that's interesting, first to cut round in it, the car park.

So a multi-story Andrew, that's a really nice way of integrating the buildings on several levels in it. It is multi-story. Yeah. And suddenly. Is that relevant? Suddenly Andrew. Yeah.

The bloke pulls out a machete Take your trousers Sorry take your trousers off and start feeding them into your anger she's slept bastard Well, what could he do and he's got a machete it's throw up so he takes his trousers off and that's to take the ankle bracelet off to do it Man says see if they pick up! Feed the left leg in first! Now put this tiny clarinet on and sing from on the time! The gas aversion and keep fucking feeding! Well he gets the left leg in but then he turns to the man and says, Look pal, the ring room for a pair of 30 inch waist hughal boss skinny

chinos up my arse. It's like trying to get a corn cod but my mouse is jaxy. Man says oh, it's difficult. Okay, have it your way, you bitch! And the man swings his machete back. Ready to size. It's a big sharp weapon. Just as he does so bang! He's smacked across the back of his head with a prosthetic limb. It's Tony from the rehab. Absolutely. Yeah. On your urine travel, soon as I lost the signal from your gizmo Adam, oh you fucking love you Tony. Would he really have made me feed all of the chinos into my anus? Are you bet might less week a block was forced to put a parker and a pair of Timberlands up there gang bangers you've got a fucking

love them now should we go and get that drink you betch or are you reckon in fact I fucking insist and off the went to get the drink happy ending true some per, some danger. Of course you know. It might, it might be the thing Mr. World Cup because of that. Oh yeah. Just from cutting through round the back of a car park.

It's fucking up and. I've got this long story Andrew. Do you want to do it now, here at the way? Go on then. So I had to go up to Stockton on T. Oh. Yeah, for the old man's annual summer face. That's another boys and girls.

It's in this big manor house just outside Stockton's got a little, you know, large. Does it cook you dinner for you? Is it like open house? No, it's not. It's much pusher than that, Andrew. So I'm glad, yeah. So imagine open house, this place you used to go. What, what? Yeah, I'm sure the store you're properly through your fawns and everything. Just hand you coating, sir. I had the Gotter Stockton, he's got his summer, big manor house,

big gardens, posh restaurant, chef from Cape Town, got a spa, you know, you know they have a spa area, I'm talking posh, beautiful place, yeah. And out in the grounds for the, for the fate, there's a bouncy castle, Corknitz Shy, there's an Owl handler, Shire Horses, Balloon Magic. So I'll just ask you, which one of them are you drawn to? Corknitz Shy, Bouncy Castle, Shire Hors, Owl Handler.

How close together was the Owl Handler and the Balloon Magic? Because that sounds like a recipe for disaster. There weren't that close. That's alright. In fact, the owl handler was quite a peripheral figure. Oh, it's... I'll go for the owl.

I always go for the danger. So listen, Jamie, imagine Little Island, they sat there staring at the owl, asking questions. Where'd you get the owl? How much is the owl cost? What does it eat? Where'd you get the mice from? Because they're asleep. Like, no.

How often does it blink? So a big but there's many thing, it's a big marquee, servant drinks, sandwiches, cakes. That sort of thing. Right. So I met my way up the big tent, and then by the bar is the Oldhamon with all this cronies, town clark,

bigger with the Twitch town planner all that lot, yeah. And he sees me straight away. Robert, Robert, Robert! Come over here Robert! There's someone I want you to meet Robert! So over I go, you know I was your wood. Robert, this is Mr Peter Beardley Robert, the footballer and his lovely wife Robert. So I say hello Peter. Wow, it's how nice to finally meet you. You know, he says, like, Bob, you have met him before, you met him since James's park in an earlier episode. Did I? Yeah. Oh, Peter, how nice to meet you again. Yeah. Yeah. Go. That's better. All right, Bob. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the nice time, you know, I am, you know. You've got a multi-cattle and an owl that hooks...

So yeah, hey, I come every year. What about, what about you, Mrs. B? It's fucking shammals. It's full of fucking diners. They better be some fucking eggs on offer, sharpish away are fucking leaving. Pete that says, yeah, sorry about that, Olo and you know, the wife rejected Jesus recently,

like, and as I the right nut, oh never since, you know, it, it's only the eggs, like, you know, that can keep us terrible, really. Robert, Robert, we must get some eggs for Mrs. B. You know that, they can keep us durable really. Robert? Robert, we must get some eggs for Mrs. B. What's your preference, Mrs. B? Well, I fucking poor cheese is best like then fried, then soft boilers, then scrambled, then add boilers.

And if you get poor cheese, make sure the yellow is very fucking runny. You know, like Buddha scots for, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, y glad of the break from you, you fucking creepy prick. So, may Peter and the Olderman walk off to the man else, you know, in search of eggs for Mrs. B. The Oldman says, are you not a bit hotter than that padded jacket, Peter? And, oh, I'm sorry to pull you up on that old man, but this is not the Paddajaket, it's puffer puffer jacket. It's like with a breathable mesh beneath the puffer, puffer chambers, but yeah, yeah, I am a bit folk and hot. Well, we enter the main building via like a back service door.

And more or less, we're straight into the kitchen and no one around, I suppose the staff are all out in the big tent looking after all that. I know. So we start looking around for some eggs and the old man and Peter go into one of them big walk in fridge things, you know, and have a poker round and I have a poker round

in the cupboards. Suddenly Andy, I hear the fridge door slam shut yeah and I like the click of it locking you know and I turn around and there's the chef you know from Kertz and the South African chef he's got a meat clavier in one hand and then yeah imagine I was really shocking and an electric mixer in the other and he says what are you doing in my fucking kitchen? I says I'm not me I'm and an electric mixer and the other and he says, get tapy. What are you doing in my fucking kitchen? I said, I'm just looking for some eggs for Mrs Beads,

Mr Beads' wife, you know, she gets a bit where would if she doesn't have a fix. Beardley, the blanco has a problem with the young fordings. I said, yeah, well, we don't know that for for sure. He says I'll tell you something for sure. And I don't say anything. He says I'll tell you something for sure. All right. He says I'll tell you something for fucking sure. I said all right you want me to say ask what I'm sorry what I'm glad to feed some kitchen utensils into your anus meanwhile in the big fridge the old man and Peter speaking you know they can't hear what's going on outside

Peter said yeah it seems like we've got locked in you know and bubble fetches in the minute, you know, he's a good lad. Well, Robert, better be quick about it. I'm freezing to death in here. Robert? Robert, Robert! But I can't hear a thing.

The old one says, you're a lucky bastard, you, Peter. I haven't that quilted jacket. And not more. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, look, I'm sorry after bringing a couple of things to your attention but one, I am not little, I'm actually taller than my mom and two, it is not a quickly jacket,

it's a puffer, puffer jacket, it has a zip and a press-stored clothing, twin-line pockets and concealed hood. And yet I am a very lucky bastard to have it. Suddenly, Pater sees a chair fold on the shelf. What are you doing? What'd you have? You lost your marbles? No, I have sunk into a lumpy flux. Or to put it simply, I have just seen a tray

of chicken wraps. Peter grabs himself a wrap right, but straight into it, you know. Oh, that is bang on the money, that is like, it's nice what we dutch tomatoes and lovely lumpy lumpy chicken like a lovely lumpy chicken pillow I could steer for hours and forget all my pain. Bloody hell Robert Robert Robert meanwhile I'm back in the kitchen. Thank you Stardes of and bend over the waste bin.

Well, and I meant to do, right? He's got a meat cleaver in his hand. You understand, don't you? I sympathise, put it that way. I mean, what would you do? I just do as I was told. Exactly. Right, first of, stop feeding this tea towel into your anus.

Then the scaring pad and follow it with this gravy bolt. Sorry, was it a cheap tea towel? That's fantastic. I mean, I've got this, I'm out of look. I didn't have a look, it was dirty. And follow it with this gravy bolt, right up. Well, Andy, I get the tea towel and the scouring pad at all right, to be honest with you. But I'm struggling just with the size of the gravy bolt Right up! Well, Andy, I get the tea towel and the scouring paddock. Oh, right.

Yeah. To be honest with you. But I'm struggling just with the size of the gravy boat, you know? Yeah. Obviously. I said, look, I'm really struggling here, mate. You know, you think you could give it a shove with your foot. And he says, well, he didn't like that, right?

And suddenly, he has the blade of his cleaver resting on me forehead. Get up or I'll touch your forehead off. I said look, would it be okay if I sat on it? You know, because that would help, wouldn't it? And the amount of force it will. And potentially break its handle. Now you can fuck off with that. I said, oh, hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I just can't do it.

Please, please don't remove me for it. I mean, like, I need it, you know, for resting against train winders. I don't understand why he's bothered about a brick, I don't know. Well, he's apt to ask him, and I would don't recommend it, Andrew. Yeah. Well, that's, that he raises up the cleaver, Andy, yeah. I'll close my eyes thinking this is it and then I hear a dull thud like I don't know whether that's no it was duller than that and

And he drops to the floor shit There's Mrs. B. What the fuck are you doing with a gravy port up your ass you jetty little fucking pervert well I explained and I was forced you know and I why we happened and I thank her for serving me yeah meanwhile back in the fridge Peter is trying to cheer up the old man with some of his jokes you know so he said that he's a coconut York you know me take your man off things Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith We saw after her curry. The wife said, oh, right, ring sting. I said, why, what would he be if... what would he be if...

Robert, Robert, please Robert, release me. Back in the kitchen. So, did you find any fucking eggs I am gasping and where's the fucking clown of a husband of mine I tell him that tell her that the chef locked him in the fridge like what a fucking dough you lad. So we get paid the... The old... We get paid the old without the fridge. I love it. Look what I found in the fridge like it's a full box of hard boilers. Well get the fork and peel, get them fork and peel sharpish

because I won't eat either one this shit that... Yes, love. You're good lad. Ah, you're good lad, take it. Ha! You're good lad, Peter. Sick as a fart and bottle. But you mean well. Thanks, Knows.

So, all's well said. Wow, it's well, isn't it? I went to on bass at the weekend, right? They're shutting down. Are they? A lot of them are shutting down. Can't you know why? Tell me. Come on, are you going to see us?

I'll have a guess. Come on. Because they haven't got that ambience of a garden centreway. Do you not mean why. You can get Victorian sweets, cafes, pots. guess because they haven't like got that ambience of a garden center where you not mean where you get Victorian sweets, cafes, pots you know like it doesn't feel like a day out it just feels like going shopping going to on best but homebiz is strictly a garden center that's DIY you know it's got that kind of gardening off-short it's not that's not hardcore gardening but what

someone was seeing was the reason is because so few people are buying houses now when they're doing them up and fucking bastard landlords don't bother. So the DIY market is collapsing. Hornbiss. Okay, you like the financial terms, you enjoy. I am, aren't I? A little bit. Anyway, you were at Hornbiss, what happened? Oh, it's just I was just telling you about, because I went, it's just a little store, I went to Hornbiss because I wanted your stiff-haired bought I wanted to like a curved bled pruning saw. Right. Because I was cutting down this little quince bush thing.

No quincey. Yeah. I mean I, I inherited it with the house Andy before you start getting on the back about it. So it's like I was saying you know like Wombas it was, it was, I didn't get there was no cafe, Alcessia. Not even a cafe. Wicked shit. Any of that. It's that. It was quite functional. You need to go to Clears Garden Center and then you're washing. Clears. Clears.

Is that good day? I love the cafe as well, yeah, to proper garden center. I wonder if that was where Pete was going. Is it outside of Newcastle? Just done the search, go to Washington. That sounds like maybe that was where it was going. Probably was, yeah. So I went to the gardens in a plant area,

you know, like a massive green house, so I was fucking hot in there. So I went in there. You know I human a bit like your toilet after you've had a really long drawn out toilet, you know like the bit of humidity levels you've all over the room. So it's like, you're not sliding doors. It's big sliding doors get you in there, right? The fun. Yeah. And then stop working. I was in there and I wouldn't open. Right. Right. I've tell you the truth. And there was no obvious red button called staff problems or whatever.

And I was the only one in the area and I waited by the fucking window to wave at a member of staff. But then a staff member appeared at the far end, at the back end of this, I don't know where the public allowed me. Because there's a lot of jeopardy in this. So he beckons me to follow him out Oh, Gemini in this day. So he beckons me to follow him out through the delivery area, you know, like storage area. Yeah. So we're walking back there, it's like another home, it's all our aisles, all rent for, let's ready to pick some. Another one.

Well, you know what I mean, it almost could be a shot, it's all the stuff, the stocks, all right. So, I got you everything. Well, as I'm walking through, I see the curved blade proning shears. The ones here after. Yeah. And I said to the fuller, I said, that's what I came for, is it all right, if I'm walking through, I see the curved blade pruning shears. The ones here after. Yeah. And I said to the fellow, I said,

is that's what I came for, is it all right, if I grab a pair, right? Yeah. So he picks up the curved blade pruning saw, right? And then he turns to me, right? And he says, Shack a Smattered Take Your Chairs is off your set, pig!

God, it's so far from come fire, and he's gangbanger well what what I'm meant to do Andrew you tell me right he's got a curved bled prune saw like about two inches from my neck right and I'm not like a ural sort of character no you not here right so he says you don't need and flash your back them up towards the chicken wire I said I'm sorry I'm sorry mate I don't know where the chicken wire is here you see top shelf by the Victorian lamp how shacks you pick so I point me back side right up towards the chicken wire right he says right feed the curved

blind pluning soil into your irainess handle first and sing genuinely February by Bob the Dixon lovely Yeah. So I'm singing. And before I know it. I'm settled down. You got both. You got both. Sorry. Before you know it, the handle has slipped in. I think it really helps.

Sing it. Handle first bass, nice touch. But I can't bring myself to feed the bleeding. It's just too scary I said look mate can I ask you what is like your endgame you know what what outcome we after do you just want me to suffer or is there something more to this he says I want you to be a shined so that you will agree to be my friend I'm thousands of miles from Jowlberg here and it's mighty fucking lonely. I said mate, honestly, you've got the wrong book.

I've had snakes up there, gravy built boats, fuel tanks. Honestly, it really don't bother me. It's not, I'm not gonna be sharing. It's like a brick or a brick up there. I wanna say, you know, you've just, unlucky for you mate, you just got the wrong book. You said, look, I've got the wrong guy.

I said listen mate, I'm really really I'm perfectly happy to be your friend Why don't we get get a coffee? Have a chat talk about what we might have in common, you know, you said I'd like a big time So I said right well Home base hasn't got a cafe. It's much more functional destination You know so what say I meet you over the road at Waivell garden centre in about an hour. You say, I have the deal bar, come white! So I got out, found the police and I didn't arrested a soldier right at Waivell. But Andrew Bessving was. I kept the curve prone and saw her at me ass.

And so I got loads of freebie. Nice one. It kind of worked, I reckon, right? Yeah, definitely. Do you think that would be like, you trotted out with the blade, so hanging out like a tail? Yeah. So, you know, I suppose they might have seen,

but it would be difficult to approach a customer and say, excuse me, sir, could you remove that from your head? You know, it... They wouldn't want to back, would they? Well, maybe they just didn't say... They wouldn't want to back, I don't think. And that condition... Think that, sorry, was a bit like the usual suspects, you know, it wouldn't want to back would they, oh, maybe they just didn't say, well, I don't think in that condition, think that, sorry, was a bit like the usual suspects, you know, with like a surprise badly in that at the end. No, no, because I see what's coming.

You knew I was going to nick it. No, I knew I was going to turn up. You knew that was a second, sorry, you said the way I beckoned. Yeah, I see what's happening here. Right. How many, um, I did you, you were to tuck him up the showbiz center, wouldn't you? So if he was a real friend, yeah, I caught someone. You're allowed one guest a month. Do you think that's a crazy role? One month. Do you think that'll ever be me? Do I?

Andro now? I got the honest with you. I don't consider you showbiz. Well, he said you would have took him and he was jamming a tool up your ass if jamming tools at my ass isn't fully showbiz I don't know what is I'm doing this wrong hey I had a winter break last week. Was that mean? You know, like, you know, some, well, you went off somewhere.

Yeah, I went off somewhere for some. You bastard. For some, I went to New Yorker, what, do you think of that? Lad, what do you think of that? I've got a very similar plan, but it's a plan that'll not come off. Yeah, because I just got too much going on.

I'll get you. But, you know, we've got like two weeks and then it's Brexit, then it's going to be impossible to leave the country in it. Oh, I don't know. Probably. You'll get out some you know what I've got like two weeks and then it's Brexit then it's going to be impossible to leave the country in it. Oh I don't know. Probably you'll get out some of the let you out. I'm totally out of take. I went to New Yorker. It was nice. You were doing the TV show. Oh. But what I don't know what did you think this will be like. It's you go back abroad. They take you back abroad to a place where you went abroad. Right. When you were tiny, okay. And you try and have the same older.

I feel alright. That was made and I'd probably go to a record shop near the Acropolis. Is that your teenage memory? It's one of them, yeah. Amazing things you remember, right? For so, about 20 degrees. Right. I'm going to make you jealous.

I'm going to tell you a word there's going on. I got there two days before filming, right? So I could maybe get a cup of milk and I'm going to be like, well just have a, you know, relax. So I'm a posh, posh-ish hotel, right? And I asked if there was like a beach nearby, that'll be a bit secluded. You know that beachy dream of kind of thing?

Yeah. And he said he knew about it. Yeah. And he is the thing I know who get this this because it was a posh hortel. He asks me if, because he asked me where the beach is, it says does he want the hotel to prepare me a picnic called box. Oh nice. That's a nice touch. That's so there's two things I hope I've upset you.

A secluded beach with a picnic. And then you got there and it was the same beach from when you were, and you dug up the hammer you buried when you were there. No, I wish. 50 years ago. Get this Andy, guess what he says to me. What? There was different prices, that shows the worst expensive.

He says, really, really, really, yeah. You get a fucking fully prepared lobster. Oh, ho, ho, ho. So, what did I do? I said, yes, yes, thank you, Gaston. I know all that business. So it got me a taxi, took me down the beach about four miles away,

and I promised on it was totally empty. There were one old lady, sat under some rocks, you know, like a Spanish old lady, sat there mending nets or something. That's it. And you're sat there in your army, several shorts and you slippers.

I wasn't a lobster. I wasn't like, lot of you know those I'm not a tanker chef on your head So I hope my big ball pattern getting bumped I Open up the Coldbox billions Two bottles of being bread and like a pot of prawn mush. Oh, you know how I call that salad

But Andy, this is what you'll enjoy no fucking lobster What yeah, does he know check it before you went no fucking minute and I was really pissed off cuz I know That's right on me mind you know like Fat blow clap me on a beach with the lobster That's the stuff of dreams. Yeah, but a shell everywhere. So, never mind. No, it got, so I was just sat there and I couldn't relax anymore. I'd had it on my mind.

Then I hear like a molehead coming, right? The bloke, right? Oh, God, it's a thing. The bloke riding, it's waving at me. LAUGHTER Well, no, but listen up. It's the concierge fella. Oh, come off to you with it.

Get this, all offy and puffy, right? And he's brought me, me lobster, right? I say, oh mate, you're never gonna know how much, how grateful I am for you doing that. He says, fuck off with it. Thank you. You can tie it off your nickers. So, I mean, I didn't say you South African. I don't know South African.

I would have remembered. What can I do? Andy, because like, he's in charge of a mole-ped. So he's in charge of a mole-ped. So he's obviously a tough nut. Yeah. So I take off my trunk, you know. And I said, look, what do you want?

He says, I want you to feed this lobster into your anus. Bend over and keep stand. So I do, I bend over and he says, Hey, I blew back with this prawn bat, but I'm not a monster. And that is a nice gentle touch over here. So I do that and I can feel the, you know those little poles that come off lobster's faces, I know where they are, I can feel them, you know those little poles that come off lobster's faces, I know where they are, I can feel them gently tapping against me.

I asked him. Cops, I think they call it that. So he says, here we go, make fucking lobster party on the beach, I'm starting to feed it in. Then I hear like just a soft thud in the sand, and I turn around and I see the old lady stood above and we're big rocking around. in the sand and I turn around and I say they all lady stood above him with big rock in her hand. Foo, I say. Oh, gracious, gracious.

Chris Kerr-Habria, Puesto Esa Langosta, on mi anno. Which means, do you think he would have put that lobster into my anus and she said, she said, Putos Panadillas tenis cuano anosos which roughly translate, no, sorry she said, she said, Putos Panadillas tenis que amaralos

which roughly translate it means yes, fucking gang bangers, you've got to love them! So, I think that you know, it's all that matters to me is for any period of time Did you think that wasn't a South African story? Quite a big punch Yes, yes! Until the more better...

Until the more better rider So as you're aware Andrew, I don't actually have a functioning rake on at the moment. Yeah, I'm very sorry. So are there any plans to get it refunctioned in the new view? Listen up, Andrew. So I went up to North London to inquire about the repair, yeah, infinity rocket plastics, yeah, to see if I could get a reconditioned unit in the meantime. Just tied you over. Or maybe replace it with a new model, you know?

It's just what the solution, didn't you? Well, I'm, yeah, I've got a Reagan, Andrew. Bloke was zyce about it. I think the feel guilty that Miragon has now been from Ipswich, and now I'm informed it's in Gdansk in Poland for specialist attention. Right. Well, he took me into the rear work work room to look at a few models.

Blonde last from Ukraine, skinny fella from Finland. In Berlin, so... That was just kind of for the lulls, for a bit of fun. But actually, it is a photography studio, the studio. Oh, so there's a legit... Interesting, isn't it? And just as they were leaving. So he lets me have a go over a couple of. Oh, well, he was a legit person, didn't he? And just as they were leaving. So he lets me have a go over a couple of ragons.

Yeah. Well, man, I'm in heaven. So we did a good space. A good space to have. It is like a fire and range. Yeah. And you do, he's got, it looks like plasma. I'm sure it's not plasma.

Yeah. So he lets us have a go of the Zeltron 60, yeah. Which is very, very effective apparently against winged enemies. That's an upgrade on your current one, and if we attempt it, I just buy 111 and forget about Gdansk. We're all like the look of it,

but then I try to fires the ZX, right? Very good against climbing enemies. And you know general assholes, like trendrunksbers scramblers movies It's the strong drivers. Yeah, that kind of person. So I then I thought were very good, but I handed it back to him a Points it's straight on my first shit Titus strides off and point your back at the cone east

You South African. Yeah, you're absolutely. What could have always got a fires as X-Potting at me? You could do it. And it's anti-climate. I'm an X-Potting climber, as you know. So I just did what I asked. Right, he says, Lord, I'm going to feed the barrel

of this helicom P40 into your irons. And let's have a party and you're the sending car on. So I feel and feed it It's feeding it in you know and then he pulls the trigger So stop stop please stop. He says hat your dad will be ready when it's ready These are complicated units you fucking dollop What's on it? It stops And it's it stopped yeah, and I use screen yeah

It's the finished model and he's blasted him with the zeltron 60 you know the earlier model I tried Yeah, he's come back in oh the Zelltrone 60, you know, the earlier model I tried. Yeah. He's come back in. Oh, that's a god- God, thanks mate. I don't know how much more of that I could have taken, you know. And he says... Finish.

So, how finished? Why is that? I don't know. Gang the bangers. You forgot to look, fucking love them. That's good enough for me. I had the drive up to Leeds, you know, dear. Oh, did you?

Yeah, to pick me son's stuff up from his digs like, cos he's my... He's just abandoning it, I'd he? Legged it, no, he was leaving, he's moving back down south. So, could he not bring her back himself then? And, like, a taxi or something, or anything? Well, I suppose he could have bought perfectly happy to drive him up and drive him back Oh he was with you, didn't you send you up? No I went up with him

Oh yeah that's alright then So... Space the book! So it was a long drive so we stopped off where M&S on the services you know Do you like M&S being on the services? Err I don't often use it It's alright that it's there but I don't often use it Well not as a Greg's anyway.

Oh man, the kill at Greg's. The deal is in it. Shit. So I'm in that. Services was it with it. We're about half way down. Sorry, I can't money here once. So I were looking for a good car snack, which for me would have been a Greg's chasing

onion, but I won't kill you. 50 people in the kill kill car be bothered with that So I went into MNS looking for a good car snack and it was a really hard shot Do you know your MNS well? I'm not really I'm not a regular consumer of MNS goods But because I said to me boy when I got back in the car I said I couldn't decide between two things Can you guess what they are and he knelt it instant? But he knows you better than I do, doesn't he? He knows your wheeers and your habits.

Well, I had to choose between a chicken quarter or a Scotch egg. Okay. I would have said mini Scotch eggs would have been one of the things. No, I was probably, you have to buy two, two proper Scotch eggs. I'll tell you what, there are only quid.

It's not bad enough. That's not right, yeah, from... I'm on the road. Yeah? I decided to get both. And he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he decided to get both. Is that it? Anyway, what is a sat, telling this, I don't know. So when I got there anyway, I don't know if you would be the same, but I didn't want

to go inside, right? Because it's a shared house with other lads and it's going to be a state in it. It's just something I didn't really want to. You didn't have your crime file protective gear on it. I just didn't want to see it. It's just something I didn't really want. You didn't have your crime file protective gear. I just didn't want to see it. So I sat on the nervous wall waiting inside. The normal. That's beautiful, low brick wall with a cement header. Beautiful. I sat on the nervous wall while he

packed his stuff up in the block, pulls up in his car. It would like being Yorkshire. Alright, Bob, I thought it were you. Fooking hell, you're a short task in real life, aren't you? In it weird. I said, oh yeah, I felt, yeah. I mean, you know what, I mean, I laughed mainly, amenely of course, because it's true. That's what I had to, I had to tell them,

I was picking me son of. He says, can I up selfie? I don't find it very funny, but I suppose I should have a photo. Just because, this is true, this is what people say. You know know whatever. So I went down to his window and he took his photo then he drove off Shaltanore,

cack cack cack cow. Something like that. Something like that. Yeah. I go about sitting on the wall and I, fluffy black cat came up, said hello. And I remember, Andy, I had an admi chicken quarter. Oh.

So I got it out the car, started eating it on the wall, and the bloat comes out the house asking what I was doing on the wall. I said, I'm just waiting for me son, I'm picking him up from next door. And he grabbed me like by my collar, yeah. He pulled me backwards onto his front lawn. Yeah. Right? Hey, hey, you fucking...

How dare you fucking chicken on my wall! He's South African. Yeah, yeah. I said, oh, he made me, it's not, it's not... fucking Gays fucking chicken on my wall He's South African. Oh, yeah, yeah, I said oh, yeah, he may make it's not it's not just any chicken It's I mean, that's chicken. You know which was a perfect thing to say I don't care about his fucking origin take his straws off and put your all-sap towards more satellite dish Well, Andy's about six foot, six foot he's got a tattoo on his arm that says no future or something. So I guess he's like pretty lost. I don't care if well of anything so I do as I'm told. He said, type that chicken quarter and feed it into your irons. Wing Point first. So I spread

me cheeks like with the one hand you know and I'm just about to start feeding the chicken quarter in. When I hear a scree breaks and the man the self that man like sees legs run off back into the house well it's a bloat all of the self it's all right yeah it come back because the photo was shit so lucky was that really no thanks mate did I said did you see what he was making me do? He said, ah, fucking gang bangers, you got to fucking love them, no, eh? I said, hey, would you like this, M&S chicken quarter as a thank you? He says, no, it's Arate, I got a photo of a de-Jericent Girene, a staffeloumi son. Did you think that story was a bit like trade in places, you know, with me on the straight being food and a beggar and that? Yeah, quite a lot like it, yeah.

Thank you. And can I also point out that I knew immediately at the start of that story where it was going? Did you really? I did. As soon as you said you'd gone somewhere, I thought, yeah, I know where this was going. So that's how I forgot. Um, look, so listen up. Um, I'd like to start with Steve McClaren. He said that in a very somber

manner as if something terrible to put it on. Not necessarily. I come to you with news of Steve McClaren. Stephen Casper. Yes. We're out in the clown car, Steve's clown car, having a nice drive around Derbishes, so that's a nice county, isn't it Andy? You know I've only been there once and had a lovely time. Probably, and maybe the most beautiful of the... Is Alton Towers there? Is that what... Oh yes, it's not so beautiful in Alton Towers, Andrew. I thought it was good. What you took your nippers there, did you? I went on Easterwake End and I didn't know this, but apparently Easterwake End at Alton Towers

is when the travel in community descend Right on open towers on mass. Yeah, and it was it was lively That's all I'm fighting you mean fighting. There was a police presence It was great a police present. Yeah, you could get a presence presence. You got presence off the police Yeah, so like saddest girl at all then in Derbyshire, carry on and they're parked up in Beakwell. Right? So Steve says, Right Casper, this is Beakwell, the home of the Beakwell Tart. It's a yummy scrumptious combination of shortcrust pastry, frangipan, strawberry jam and flake tahamans,

or Casper, it's like eating bubbles of laughter and funniness, whilst you're having your chores tickled by a fluffy bunny. So they put the big plastic omelette cover over the clown car and walked into the beautiful town of Beacol, and just as they got to the first beacons, casper stopped, stopped dead Andrews, you know, and indicated that he wanted to go into the junk shop that they just passed. I did indicate that he just point his face to

what's it, he points his face to what, and his tongue laps towards the intended location. Oh Casper, come on, are you still trying to find that Andrew, for you would work project Oh Casper, come on, are you still trying to find that handrail for your woodwork project? Casper nods. Oh well, you pop in and have a look and I'll meet you in the bay Casper. So Casper disappears into the junk shop and Steve wonders into the baykers, right? Yeah. Hello, Mr. Baker. I want a nice big succulent bake well tapped. And I wondered if it would be possible to have the letter C for Casper iced on top of it.

Yeah, I love. Well, first the baker says straight away that for a special order, got to give 24 hours notice. Oh, yeah. And then he noticed that it was Stephen Clarone, he was to manage around those parts, he'd agree reluctantly to do a quick icing job for him right, so it went beyond the counter into the Berkery room and the Berkery filled a large ice bag with bright yellow icing for that sea for Casper then the Baker turns round you're right yeah the Baker turns

Thank you a lot of slacks off and your Andes He was self-cuff and he was in you know you're willing to bake while they do What the dickens is going on I only came in for a person the last tart It's your mind out of sequence. Well, at that, the bear could pick up a marble rolling pin and brandished it at Steve. So, it's quite a weapon in it, you think about it. Okay, okay, I don't want any trouble. I've just had a gastric pan-fitted. Right, now, get on the floor, raise your butt up in the air

and stare at the marzipan dispenser on top of that machine. Steve does as he's told. And take that fucking flaky pastry off your forehead. It's turning more stomach. That's not flaky pastry. That's my hair, a highland, my hair, a highland. The bear ca smacks him on the head.

They're all in pain, yeah? Never singing a bikeyly, it can make me a clearly flight. Now feed the nozzle of this icing bag into your anus and empty the lot. Well, I try, but I'm very worried about my castrate band. Don't worry, my brother had to sign up and it proved very durable. So Steve began feeding the nozzle in. Don't worry, my brother had to sign up and it proved very durable. So Steve began fading to nozzle in. Just as he started he heard the baker scream out in agony and drop onto the floor.

It was Casper with his tail wound around the handle of his handrail drilling the bit deep into the baker's calf. Thank you Casper, your brave little warrior. Steve grabbed the drill in the tar and ran back to the car. So they sat in silence under the omelette cover, listening to the pattern of the rain and took it into the bearcault heart. Do you think he really would have made me feed all that icing into myself? And Casper gave a look as if to say... he really would have made me feed all that I sing in to myself. And Casper gave a look as if to say, yeah gang bangers, you've got a fucking love them!

I'm so pleased you found your drill Casper and I can't wait to see the nest of tables you're making for me. And that was their day out in Berkwell. Well that's kind of just a support for what he did in Derbyshire last time. But with his destroys and extra. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,