Aware & Aggravated - 114. Watch Me Go Through It- When You Don't Resonate With Your Current Life

Episode Date: February 4, 2024

In this episode Leo opens up about what he's really been dealing with. He explains the feeling of not resonating with anything in your life, and what he's doing about it. He's peeling back the curtain and letting you watch this process unfold with him personally.   ✅ FOLLOW ME HERE: https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi   👕 Clothing/Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com   📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1    🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY  https://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref=sharehttps://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref%3Dshare&exp=7ffb&mibextid=I6gGtw    Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

Hi friends, this week is exactly what the title says. Watch me go through it. We're going to go through it together. I have been going through a weird period of my life and it's been beaten the hell out of me. So I figured let's just open up about it. I don't resonate with anything right now. And I really want to talk about this and just get it out there because I've been hunting for it online and no one seems to be talking about it. I don't resonate with anything and that's why I'm in New York right now. Like I booked a trip, a one-way trip to just figure life out and just figure out what works and what resonates because

I was at a point in LA. I didn't resonate with my life kind of since I moved there. I was trying to figure it out and make it work and make myself be happy. And the more time I just spent trying to figure out how to make it work, I was not focused on the reality that I didn't like it. And right before I went on tour at the beginning of this month, I kind of hit the realization

and the point of like, all right Leo, you need to face it. You need to figure out what to do and what your next step is. So I was like, all right, let's just go on tour and then we'll figure it out from there. Who I transformed into before I went on tour was a version of me I had not met before and I was excited and he did not resonate with my life I was currently living at all. Then I went on tour and the version of me, I don't know how to explain it but like the level up mentally and the progression and advancement and everything

that I know and feel was so fast and so sudden with being on tour I loved every second of it but the version of me that came after tour was someone who really could not tolerate being where I was and living how I was. I felt like I didn't resonate with anything before tour and then after tour, this new version of me don't resonate with Jack shit. And I want to talk about the feeling of not resonating with anything and how disorienting and kind of like weird and heartbreaking it is because I don't feel lost in myself.

I know who I am. I'm very clear and I have a lot of clarity around who I am, what I value and me. But there's nothing externally I resonate with right now. And the biggest thing was my life in LA. So that's why I ran away to New York. I didn't really run away. I did because I couldn't stand that shit no more Like this me ain't tolerating that this me is not

Gonna be able to just stay put and like make things work fuck that but what I'm realizing is the whole not resonating with my life in LA was just one segment of things going on When it comes to not resonating with things, I don't resonate with anything. Like I said, example is like my music. I don't have any songs or any playlists I can just like throw on. Like, you know how when you get in the car

or you're like getting a shower or you're just hanging out around the house or the apartment and you wanna throw on a playlist and just like let it play? I have no play playlist that resonate. I don't have any music I resonate with. Like I know so many things. I still like certain music, but it's just not hitting.

Nothing is hitting the way that I want it to hit. I don't resonate with jack shit for music. Same thing with books and like reading and like consuming new knowledge. Nothing is hitting and resonating with how I want it to resonate. And it's, I'm just annoyed with everything. Like I'm not really annoyed. I'm more just like bored with so much and everything going on,

especially with social media. I'm ready to bang my head into a wall with social media. I don't find TikTok interesting at all. It's all just bullshit ads and stupid videos and people doing the same thing and everybody is so hungry and desperate for attention. They're doing all kind of weird things to get it and it's not fun to watch.

I can see through it. It's not fun knowing so much of the back end of social media because I see the calculated moves everyone's making and it's taken the fun out of it. But besides that, content is just boring on TikTok now. Same with Instagram, like it's all just bullshit. Like, you know, nobody really looked like what they'd be posting.

Everybody on Instagram is just kind of like, eh, like I don't resonate with getting on social media anymore and using that distraction. That distraction doesn't work. And that doesn't even work for enjoyment anymore or things to just watch. Like YouTube, there's no YouTube videos I wanna watch. There's no podcasts I wanna watch.

I don't resonate with shit. And the reason I keep saying I don't resonate with it is because it's not that I'm just bored with it. I don't resonate with Jack shit that's out right now. And the main reason I wanted to make this podcast and kind of like Talk about all this is because there's so much bullshit online I don't want to be just another person contributing to it

So I want to just open up and be vulnerable for a goddamn second something else. I'm not resonating with anymore is the gym It's not that I don't want to go. I'm still going. I'm still doing it. I just don't resonate with it. Like it just don't feel like it used to. It doesn't, I don't give a fuck. That I just don't. Like I don't care. And it's like, I can force myself through the motions of anything. I'm just like, eh, like everything's just kind of like,

me, it just doesn't like feel right. I don't know how to explain it. Like I'm doing the best I can, but like, but I keep going back to that word resonate. I just don't like feel right. I don't know how to explain it. Like I'm doing the best I can, but like, but I keep going back to that word resonate. I just don't resonate with anything. And especially with social media, there's this thing I've done my whole life and I feel like a whole new person every three months.

Like I have a whole shift and I feel like a whole new person every three months. It happens quicker than that usually, but it's like definite every three months, it's new. Whether it's my style, the things I'm posting, the things I'm into, things just flip with how fast I grow and change and the things that I learn and like the progression that I have just seems like

at a very fast pace and stability is not something that I want, is not something that I care about or need. And I'm tapping into that because every time I try and build a life around stability and kind of construct a life like that, it just drains the hell out of me and I'm not resonating with that at all. That's why I'm like in New York,

just living weeks at a time. Like I'm booking a hotel for a week and just popping around in different areas and staying for a week at a time and just figuring it out. That's exciting to me, that resonates with me right now. Having a stable place where I'm booking a hotel for a week and just popping around in different areas and staying for a week at a time I'm just figuring it out. That's exciting to me that resonates with me right now having a stable place where I'm at Does not resonate. I'm not doing it. But my point with bringing up. I feel like a new person every few months I feel like I've hit a point where I truly Feel like such a different person and when I hit this point I always have a thing with my social media I will go through and clear it out and things and videos and just like stuff that I've posted that I don't

resonate with anymore I will delete it or private it and get rid of it because I just don't want it out there and one of my podcast episodes I recently deleted was episode 67 where I talked about my suicidal to successful like story and all of that because I just don't resonate with how I talked and the way that I thought and The other thing I don't resonate with anymore is anger and resentment. I don't give a shit like I've done so much internal work recently and Discovered a lot and learned a lot and changed a lot of my outlooks around resentment and let so much of it go. And I've also looked at anger and let go of a lot of anger and I don't feel driven off of that anymore.

I don't resonate with that being a driving force in my life. Like with spite, anger, hatred, resentment, none of it. And I don't see attacking someone and hurting people as, as valid as I did before. I don't resonate with how I talked about certain things and I've just grown a lot mentally and emotionally, and I don't think that way anymore. So I decided to delete that video because it just doesn't sit right. And I don't agree with the things that I said. And I'm having a big thing right now where I have

put myself in a position where I've put things online and I'm at a point I can't just delete it all. I want to fully wipe the internet of myself, but I can't. And that comes into and is revealing my whole relationship to commitment. I love being able to flip things at any moment and just switch things up and What I've kind of done with what my life is now in my career. I feel trapped in a way and Further with feeling trapped. I need you to read between the lines with what I'm about to say. I am in certain contracts now that I'm required to do certain things. And I cannot go into detail about those things. But I have a lot of pressure on me from

different angles to keep doing certain things. And there are certain things in life that you might not resonate with anymore, but you can't get out of certain commitments. And that's what I'm balancing and I'm doing it and what I've committed to. I'm still committed to, I'm not gonna break a contract. I'm not gonna give some of my word on something

and then flip. I also just wanna shut the fuck up. Like I'm at a point, I just wanna shut the fuck up. Like I'm at a point, I just wanna shut the fuck up if that makes sense. Like I don't really resonate with things I'm talking about and things that I'm doing and sharing and posting. Like I'm having fun on TikTok, like that's a blast. But with my podcast, I tried to sit down

and film three episodes that were not this one. And I was trying to talk about things that I was before and structure the videos how I was before and hit topics like I was before. And I just wanna shut the fuck up when I have to talk about things like that. So I decided to make this episode because this is the only thing I feel guided to

or like I resonate with. This is the only thing I feel like doing right now is not contributing to just bullshit on social media. And if I don't feel like doing it and I don't feel like putting on a face, I don't have to do that. And I had to remind myself, I have a different connection with you guys

than most people have with their audience. And I'm done just being another asshole online. I wanna get back to feeling connected with you and being a person online that you watch and care about because I care about all of you. And I know everybody's felt like a disconnect with me and I've felt it too. It's like the pressure of the business obligation

and trying to show up a certain way and do things a certain way that I've just been at a point with the things I've been dealing with behind the scenes I have been having to put on a face and like get it together and just do this. And I'm fucking sick of it. I'm tired of doing it. We don't have that type of relationship.

I don't have to fake shit with y'all. And I'm happy and grateful that I have that. And I had to remind myself of that. And that's why I feel safe to make this episode because I love y'all and y'all love me. But I forget that just talking open and honest about things helps because these are the type videos I'm hunting for and dying for on social media

that nobody's posting no one's talking about. Because the truth is, and what I'm gonna open up about is the things that I've kind of been going through and dealing with. I'm just gonna let you start watching me go through it because I'm tired of feeling so disconnected. And this is what I feel called to do.

So let's do the goddamn thing. You're gonna watch me figure this out and we're gonna figure it out together because I know a lot of you, we're all on the same wavelength, it seems like. Every time I make an episode, you all are like, it's exactly what I wanted. And I'm like, T, so we're all like on the same wave.

I'm sure there's a lot of you that are feeling this exact same way. So let's figure this shit out together Let's be a place every week we can go and I can go in the comments and see and talk to you guys and you guys can Check in and like see that someone else is going along this journey with you and then we can talk about what we learned And what's going on and what's different and what's new like I really want to take this path and this route Because I'm sick of this shit and I'm sick of suffering in silence and having to like get it together for business shit. Everybody can eat my ass.

I'm literally, this is between us. This, everything that I have was built off our connection. That's my new number one priority. But another thing I don't resonate with since we're on the venting train, I'm just talking about shit we don't resonate with. My life has been set up where I've been feeling so obligated to do so many things

and I don't resonate with acting and operating out of obligation anymore. Whether it's business or personal or not, I'm not resonating with obligation. And I'm at a point now for me to do things solely because I just feel obligated to do it, to placate somebody or just make a situation go a certain way has become painful. This version of me can't tolerate it and endure it like I was before.

Like I have no space for it. I have like no mentally emotional space left for it. And I have been noticing, I feel like I'm fighting for my own attention and I'm like fighting for my attention to be on myself. It's like I'm trying to do so much and I have so many people I have to answer to now with like business. I know it's all mine, but they're all there to help me. And it's just a weird combination.

And they could fucking sit there and wait for me. God damn it. The show don't go on if I'm not okay. So how about that? But yeah, I've just felt like my attention, I'm like fighting for it to be on what I want it to be on. And I'm done with the obligation, I'm done with fighting for my own fucking attention.

Like girl, I'm gonna start putting it on what I wanna put it on. And this is a big reason I jumped to New York like this. I'm just done. And I love a big abrupt dramatic change to really set things in motion, to switch into a new chapter or really get into a new version of me.

And this whole thing with not resonating with things, my main focus is not, oh, I need to find what I resonate with. My thought process behind all this is if I don't resonate with something, stop fucking doing it. So I'm cutting everything I don't resonate with and I'm just switching everything and my first step is not to figure out what I resonate with it's cut everything I don't resonate with and then see what I open

up to and see what I line up with from there. Clear out the space like I always talk about. Clear it out so new shit can come in. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not over here like, Oh, I have to find out what I resonate with first. No, I'm just cutting shit. And then I'm finding more things I'm resonating with, like making a podcast like this, I wouldn't have hit this point had I not came to New York and just ran away like this, like this. It's all happening for a reason.

We're all being guided. And that's the biggest thing I keep reminding myself of is like, fuck are you being guided? Like my spirit guides is yelling and they was screaming before I left. Oh my God. But really this is just me like following what feels right and what I feel guided to and getting away from the shit

I don't resonate with and just getting away from anything that is like draining or putting me off or is bringing me down. It's like, I'm enough, enough. Like even if it brings me money, fuck it. There's more to be made other ways. I've learned there is ways to make money than so many more avenues than you never even thought of. To let go of one, you're gonna find 10 more.

I'm literally letting go of so much shit right now. I'm literally in a process of letting go. Letting go of my old self, letting go of my old life, letting go of all the things I don't resonate with. And it's not a fun process. That's why I said watch me go through it. Like this is not a fun and like enjoy, it is fun and enjoyable.

But there is a lot of sad emotions that come with it. But there's a lot of relief that comes when you let go of things that aren't serving you and aren't resonating with you and are holding you back. It's like heartbreaking to lose it, but it's such a relief to feel free from it and to feel free to like step into what feels better and to just do that.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash aware, rocketmoney.com slash aware. That's rocketmoney.com slash aware. Rocketmoney.com slash aware. Now, back to the podcast. But with my tour, something a lot of people didn't know and a big reason I'm done like hiding shit is because how connected I felt to you guys on tour, the people who were there, like feeling that connection with you guys,

I was going through a breakup. At the beginning of December, all through December, and then planning my tour, figuring out what I was gonna talk about, creating it, taking care of myself, and like digging into everything I was going through and feeling, operating all my business shit, and then still going on tour. A lot of people didn't know I was going through a breakup

while I was on tour. But being on tour and going through that breakup and letting you guys be there for me was insane and it's what's really prompting me to Be more open with you and let you be there for me like we're both on this process together and I'm still human. I'm still going through shit. I still deal with the same things you feel We all feel the same emotions. Was that breakup easy? Hell no, hell no. It hurt like hell.

And I did learn a ton. And I went into a lot of things and extracted so much information and got so much of a better understanding of myself and life and relationships through it. And I used a lot of what I learned to go on tour. But I figured let's just start sharing the process of that relationships through it. And I used a lot of what I learned to go on tour, but I figure, let's just start sharing the process of that and how I learned things and

extract and like hurdle things as I hurdle them while I have a sense of community and people with me, because I felt very like not alone, but detached from social media. And a lot of people asked me about imposter syndrome. detached from social media and a lot of people ask me about imposter syndrome and I kind of had a little bit come up with This episode and like talking about things and the way that I am for this because no one really talks like this Who makes the type videos that I make? But at the same time me being vulnerable and sharing the human side of me doesn't take away or discount what I know. I know the shit that I know and I've done the work that

I've done and I can access the perspectives that I can access. It doesn't mean I still don't face things. Like I always say, when you're vulnerable and you share what you're going through, people relate to it and see you as stronger, not weaker, and they don't see you in the negative light. So I had to remind myself of this, and I figured let's just share this shit. Right now I'm in a period of learning a lot, and I feel like I'm on the verge

of a very, very big breakthrough. And things always get bad and weird before it's time to level up. And that's where I have a quote that I post a lot. It always gets hard before it's time to level up and that's where I have a quote that I post a lot it always gets hard before It's time to level up don't break and I post that on my app a lot and I send it out like frequently This is the process of it. It's not fun. It's not pretty. It's not fun to Fully deconstruct your life and get rid of all the things you don't resonate with It's not fun to go through the whole learning process again

and finding what your life is gonna be and creating a new life again. I've done it plenty of times, but I haven't really documented the process of it and shared like the intricate parts of it. And that's this, and that's just me letting you know, bitch, it ain't easy. It's not fun.

What I do with emotionally and the things that I feel, this is not a fun process to go through, but this is the process. This is how things go when you're trying to level up and when you're trying to manifest certain things. Your life will break if it needs to. The universe don't see good and bad. The universe just sees what you want

and it's gonna put you on that path. And one other thing that I'm feeling right now is nothing's been exciting. I found a little excitement in New York and I'm gonna get to that in a second, but I just feel like nothing's exciting. The whole not resonating with shit is one thing, but nothing being exciting is another pain in the ass.

Like everything just feels very like, lackluster and I noticed after I've like going into that, it comes from a lot of overstimulation. Like you lose excitement for things when you're overstimulated. And that's one thing that I am right now and have been feeling for months is overstimulated as hell. And that takes away excitement and robs your excitement. So removing things that over stimulate you allows your energy to not be stretched into so many different directions

and lets it be put on a few things. And those few things become more exciting because your energy is not like a little in each bucket. It's like a couple of buckets that are full. And something else that's been popping up. And this is something I've journaled through a few times but like I'm on the verge of a really big breakthrough with this too. Like there's few times, but like I'm on the verge of a really big breakthrough with this too.

Like there's a lot of breakthroughs I'm on the verge of and I have broken through a lot in the past couple of months, like with the whole resentment thing I talked about and the anger, but my whole thing with accepting love and allowing people in and like, basically just accepting love from people. There's such a big block to it. And one of the biggest blocks I have

is like the sense of obligation that comes with accepting love from people. Because I've already been feeling so overstimulated and overwhelmed to take on the potential of feeling obligated to one more thing because I let someone do something for me or let someone care about me. I wanna push that shit away because I don't have the bandwidth and I haven't

felt like I've had the bandwidth to let anymore in because I don't have any more to put out. It's like that weird obligation of I don't want to accept this love because I'm going to feel obligated to do things for you. So I've been feeling isolated and a lot of shit and that's just another thing that I've been like working through and it's coming to a head and I can feel it. You know when you feel a realization coming, you're just like, oh, damn, I'm gonna general about that

a few more times and it's just gonna hit me. But that's just something I'm kind of like navigating right now because I noticed I was feeling like isolated and a little bit detached from everything and everyone. but that's the whole acting out of obligation thing. Feeling detached from you guys, you guys are safe to let in. This is a love that I'm allowed to express and share and exchange.

Like this is my favorite kind of connection and the support you guys show me is like nuts and I absolutely love it and I miss it. And it's been feeling not great, not allowing that in and truly connecting with you guys and just making podcasts about things that I know that will help you. It's like I was just trying so hard to just give to you

and like be of use to you and share what I know, but not letting you like be there for me or feel like you relate to me or see me or like hold space for the way that I'm feeling or relating to me at all. It's kind of like I put a wall up and I don't want to do that with you guys. And I've done it with a lot of people and I'm slowly letting the walls down to the people that I don't feel like I have that obligation with. Because those are the people that don't feel like I'm going to owe anything to.

And I know it's a whole like transactional love thing. That's another thing that's going to like further develop in my brain. But that's a breakthrough that's coming. I know it's a whole like transactional love thing. That's another thing That's gonna like further develop in my brain, but that's a breakthrough. That's coming. I feel it But I think the best way I can describe how I've been feeling for the last seven months And I say seven because it was like a month before I moved to LA I started feeling like this and I'm at a breaking point and this is the way I can describe it. This is like the visual I can give you. It's like I've been trying to climb out of a hole that I keep falling back in

and there's no like getting out and I've tried certain things, certain mindset flips, certain routines, certain habits and it's like everything I try that makes me feel like I'm getting a little bit of progress, getting out of the emotional hole that I feel, I feel like I make a little progress and I fall back in, that I change something new and then I climb up a little and make a little progress and I fall back in. And it's like, things will work and things will kind of feel like a

crutch, but I don't feel like solid or trustworthy over anything I've found because it keeps going away. And that hopelessness kind of sets in the like, what's gonna feel better? What is gonna be the thing that lasts? Because I keep thinking, I'm like, oh, I had this realization, I had this realization. And I feel like the changes that I make help for a minute

and then they go away. And then I'm back stuck trying to find a new realization. The thing I'm looking for is a breakthrough, not a realization that's gonna like change one or two things about the way that I think, that hopefully change the way that I feel or change something that I do. This is gonna be a full on like breakthrough

and this new version of me is gonna hit it because the way that I'm approaching things now is I'm no longer trying to Climb out of the hole I'm like turned around face down digging into it Like just digging deeper and deeper and deeper into this hole Because I'm gonna find a way through it and this is my new approach to life looking for a breakthrough And not just trying to climb out of a hole and like get out Of it. It's like I've just faced it and I'm just digging into it because there's been so many things in my life that have just been covers for

the way that I've been feeling and That's one big big thing I learned recently is finding what is actually the cause of your pain. When you go through something and you have something you can pinpoint and place your finger of like, this thing is causing me pain, like a breakup. You can look at it and be like, this is why my entire life feels like this. And you do it subconsciously. You don't realize that you assign a pain of one thing to the pain of everything you're feeling.

My whole situation with like the relationship thing I was in, that was just a distraction from the things I was not really like facing and working through that allowed me to keep going forward and was just the comfort. Like all of the things that would comfort me were just covers for the underlying thing I was not addressing and not like, I didn't know how to hit it and I haven't known how to go into this type shit.

Like I said, I've learned a lot in the past two months but like this version of me knows how to do it and is doing it. It's a process, you're watching it unfold. But it's very easy to fall into a trap of misplacing where your pain is coming from and what is causing it. Because a lot of people get stuck in a cycle of blaming their ex or blaming their relationship for the amount of pain that they feel.

It's not realistic. Like the pain that I feel and like this weird period I'm in is not caused by not liking social media and going through a breakup and not liking where I live. It's like it's all of it but it's easy to just fixate and say okay the breakup is why I feel the way that I do. That ain't got shit to do with shit. Like that's a heartbreaking little thing. It's a little sector of your life that is sad, but it is not responsible for your whole feeling of sadness because when you use certain things to comfort yourself, a lot of the times it's just distraction

without you realizing from a bigger problem that's gonna rear its head. And when all of these comfort mechanisms you use don't work anymore or you lose them, you're left with the sadness of losing that shore and not feeling a way to comfort yourself. But then you have to face the devastation of what was under it and what was actually the problem. That's what I'm in the process of facing now. And not placing blame. That's a big thing with the resentment that I let go is like, not placing blame for the way that I feel from a certain

situation that doesn't make sense helps a lot. Like the breakup did not cause this. Me not liking social media did not cause this. The random little things I'm unhappy with or the random little things that haven't gone the way that I wanted them to are not the cause of the bigger thing that I'm feeling and dealing with. This feeling has been here for the past seven months and nothing I'm experiencing now or in the recent past is the cause of it. It's just other little painful situations that you can easily think are the cause of

it and it's not and that will make shit feel worse than it is. Like if you convince yourself a certain breakup you're going through or even a friendship breakup or like the loss of someone, like someone dies or you lose a certain job or like whatever it is, if you just assign that pain to be responsible for everything, you're gonna start to resent it and get mad and fixate on that thing.

And it's not gonna help you at all. It's gonna hinder you. It's gonna fuck you up. So that's something I realized about a month ago, right before I went on tour. And I was like, hey, I feel better about certain shit. But that's really what's going on with me. And I feel like that's gonna explain a lot about a lot. And I'm excited for our connection to come back

and for us to get real and to not be someone that's contributing to bullshit online. I haven't been posting bullshit, but I'm just sick of the fake shit. I wanna get back to being a person online and feeling connected to you guys. This whole podcast, I don't know what's about to happen.

I'm just literally, this period of my life is a very intuitive one and I'm just doing what I feel guided to and I'm going to talk about what resonates and this resonated. So I talked about it. And next week, we're going to see what the hell happens. But everybody, leave me a comment if you're watching this on YouTube and let me know what you thought even the people who were like, Oh, I don't comment on things. Girl, comment. This is time for

us to connect again. I'm going to go through and read all the comments this week. And like really just take y'all in again and let that love in. And if you're listening to the audio version of this on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, you're not watching it on YouTube. I'm sitting on a couch in my hotel right now. Prop the fuck up like I care. But if you want to leave a comment, go to the YouTube version of this and leave a comment

or leave this podcast the five star rating because you can write a review and tell me what you want to say in there. I'll check those two. Hint, hint. Leave me five stars. But I'm going to link all my social media in the description because the things that I'm posting, if you want to keep up with my trip in New York, I'm posting a lot of TikToks, I'm posting a shit ton on Snapchat of a lot more like my day to day.

So if you want to follow that, I will leave all that linked below. I will also leave my merch in the description, my chronically unimpressed collection. That is the most fitting thing for me right now. But everything you need for me will be linked in the description. I'm excited for this new little journey. But everybody, be safe, take care of yourself,

and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.