Aware & Aggravated - 116. Addiction To Feeling Overwhelmed

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

In this episode Leo talks about a subconscious addiction to overwhelm and why overwhelm feels safe. It serves as an excuse & he explains how. He also talks about what he's currently dealing with like feeling numb, stepping into the next version of himself, and the inability to feel gratitude.   ✅ FOLLOW ME HERE: https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi   👕 Clothing/Merch:  https://leoskepicollection.com   📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1    🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY  https://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref=sharehttps://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref%3Dshare&exp=7ffb&mibextid=I6gGtw    Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

Hi friends, this week we're talking about some things I've learned about the numbness I've been dealing with. And if you deal with overwhelm or feeling numb and just like you don't really care about life at all, this week's episode is going to help you. I've learned a couple of things this week, but I learned that numbness helps you deal with overwhelm. And I also learned how overwhelm is an excuse a lot of the time. So we're going to get there.

The first thing I want to talk about is I've just been doing and living life by what I feel guided to do and I felt guided to all of a sudden just get up and run to New York and I've been living in New York for the past three weeks just staying at different hotels, popping around at different areas, doing different things, just having a life of chaos and stability is the only thing I resonated with. And I realized why. My little life I had in LA with a stable, consistent apartment and everything kind of being predictable and like everything just being stable. I didn't resonate with it.

I didn't like it. Like it started to make me feel like I was going insane. And it's because my internal and the way I've been feeling and everything inside of me has been the opposite. Like every single day I have felt completely different. I deal with a lot internally and my internal world was such chaos. It was not stable. It was not consistent. So having a reality and an external that was stable, consistent and all the opposite of how I felt

inside felt like a gaslight. And that's one of the worst things in my opinion is when you're external and your internal don't match. So I didn't know why I felt guided to just run away and have my life be chaos, but I've been liking it. Where is my phone? Cause it keeps fucking vibrating. All right, phone is fine. We're good. Realization was internal, external didn't match and I felt so much more relief being here and my life being chaos and everything kind of like being all opposite of what it was because it matches how I actually feel and having my internal kind of be reflected on my external has made it feel easier to deal with and manage.

And I don't feel so crazy when I look around, like when I was in LA, I would look around and see stability and like really no reason for me to be feeling the way that I was feeling. Nothing really like making sense. Now it all makes sense. Now it feels like I can handle it and do it. It feels a lot more clear because it's outside of me.

I like when things are reflected as a mirror because that's what your external reality is. So everything being actual chaos around me now has brought me a new level of understanding with the way that I feel and everything going on. It's just something I kind of realized with that, like feeling called to it. What this has done is the feeling of overwhelm

that I've felt for the past year and a half, two years, since I came out to fucking womb, the feeling of overwhelm is now on 10. And this period of absolute numbness that I'm going through, the feeling of overwhelm is kind of there, but it doesn't hit like it did. I just noticed the overwhelm. I don't feel the overwhelm I don't have really any desires like my desire now is to have a desire and My desire is to care like I wish I could care about shit and the sense of overwhelm is there not the feeling but like Just the general overwhelm is still there. I just don't care that it's there So you can't just let things go you You have to understand why things are in your

life, why you're feeling things, thinking things, doing things before you try and let a thought pattern or a behavior go, you can't just let it go. So I went into overwhelm and I kind of like did shadow work on it and this is going to build in a couple of layers and kind of I'm going to hit back to the numbness in a second. But first thing I learned with overwhelm is the overwhelm is an excuse to be authentic because the past like two years of my life, especially being so fucking overwhelmed and having so much I'm doing and trying to achieve and so much I'm working on served as an excuse and kind of was a shield to not giving a fuck about other people's reactions to me. Like I've been able to say no

and do what I actually wanna do, not hang out with certain people if I don't wanna do something. And I got an excuse basically of like, oh, I'm working on these things, I have this to do, I have that to do. And people usually don't fight you or have a negative reaction when they understand why what

you're doing takes priority over them or why you're choosing to not see them or do some shit. The feeling of overwhelm literally gave me an excuse to actually do what I wanted to do like it assisted me because for me to say I wanted to do something I felt something I didn't want to do certain, or I wanted to prioritize what I wanted to prioritize myself and my goals, I got to hide behind a shield. It like making sure everybody could see how overwhelmed I was and how much I was dealing with, and showing that it was about work

and things I'm trying to do, it gave me like a protection from any negative reaction or like a consequence. And when you tell someone you have to work or you're dealing with a lot of things, you put them into position to have to be understanding. And if they're not, you get to say that they're an asshole and that they're a bad guy.

So I realized a lot of this. There's a lot more to it than it seems, but that's kind of like the generalization about the overwhelm. But I started to notice, I don't give a fuck right now because I feel very numb, but like, the feeling of overwhelm is still there. And I realized I've had myself like trapped

in a mindset of overwhelm. Like, because it was such a good excuse and it kept me safe, overwhelm was safety for me. Cause like I said, you don't have to feel responsible for other people's understanding lack of understanding or negative reaction toward you being authentic and prioritizing yourself. But that was the main thing that kept popping in my head was overwhelm is safety.

And that's when I was like, I've been fighting to maintain a sense of overwhelm because of what it gave me. And certain days I wouldn't have that much shit I had to do, but I consistently had that feeling of overwhelm because of what it gave me. In certain days, I wouldn't have that much shit I had to do, but I consistently had that feeling of overwhelm. And I started to realize I was kind of like deluding myself, not deluding, what's the word? Like I was in a delusion and I was like keeping myself in a delusion and piling more onto my plate

and trapping myself in this feeling of overwhelm so that I didn't lose it, because it was safe to be in it. So I just kept packing shit on and taking on more and more and more and trying to do more and more. Even if there was days where I didn't have a lot to do, I still was in that mindset of like, I'm so overwhelmed, like feeling like my attention is and everything is like dragged 100 different directions. So I still got to maintain that excuse and that shield of protection from people to not deal with their fucking shit And going through being in a fight-or-flight kind of feeling state for so long like my life was not hell

Like this seems like it would be hell, but like my life was good. I was still having fun I was still happy and enjoying things But I did get to have that little excuse but being in that place and constantly feeling that stress of the overwhelm is when that numbness kicked in. And it kicked in about six, seven months ago, like I talked about in my last couple episodes. And now I no longer feel the overwhelm, I just notice it. Like I notice the presence of overwhelm,

but I don't feel that sting and like the emotional charge with it. And that's the hard part because it is very charging emotionally to feel overwhelmed and be in fighter flight mode. But what the numbness has done is like removed any emotional boost I feel with the panic, with the overwhelm, with being strung out with so much shit. And the numbness removed any desire, any enjoyment, any anything, and like numbed out all the emotion. And I don't feel boosted by the overwhelm anymore.

I feel even more drained by it. And also the numbness has made me not give a fuck that it's there. Like I truly don't care about letting people down or consequences or dealing with shit. I'm more just like, okay, I wish I had the emotion to care, but my like mental, emotional, everything is like preventing me from that emotional like thing.

Like there's no emotional charge left to be found. And I see why, I see why. Like now I have to really full throttle, face my shit and take accountability for it and like own it. And even with guilt, like I do, I notice guilt, but I don't feel the guilt. If that makes sense. Like I don't feel the overwhelm.

I don't feel the guilt. I just notice it. And when it comes to like letting people down or like not doing shit that I'm supposed to be doing or things that I like Know I should be doing not like you have to do it But like all this shit that I know I need to do and like want to be doing I wish I cared to do it and I do not feel that I care that I don't do it like I noticed the guilt I notice why I would be like damn or like

Whatever but like guilt is very emotionally charging and motivating. So I'm having to navigate all this shit without any emotional charge or like jolt from anything. And it's like, I talked about before functioning off just like sheer willpower. I'm in it, girl, I'm really in it. But like how the overwhelm served as an excuse,

now the numbness kind of serves as an excuse if I want it to. But I don't give a fuck. Like I said, I wish I could care, but I don't. So I don't really feel like I need an excuse while the numbness is here. You see how the numbness is here to cope with the overwhelm, but the overwhelm was an excuse,

but this just removed my need for an excuse. You see how it all like fills out? Like I never look at anything as an accident. And that's why I say feelings are visitors and they're there they have messages. This is all happening for me I'm not through it. This I'm still in this process Like I'm not like over it and all this shit because it's like okay cool I learn all these things and I'm kind of at a point of like Going through the motions and like figuring things out as I go

But with the numbness and the overwhelm and everything going on I kind of hit a point where I Feel like it's very hard just to take care of myself and I hit on this last episode, but this has become very apparent and I'm at a point where I feel like I can't just be the only one taking care of me and that's very hard to admit. And part of the reason it's so hard to admit is because of the excuse of the overwhelm, if you start asking people for help, the excuse goes away because you're not as overwhelmed, like you want to be trapped in it. If it serves you, that's why it's very important to do shadow work and see the

subconscious of how shit's happening for you. You can't just let it go. Like I can say, oh, I want to have people help me and I want to like go off this feeling I feel now of like I can't be the only one taking care of me. But if I'm attached to the overwhelm because I don't understand it, I'm never going to allow in that help because I feel like I need the excuse of the overwhelm. You're going to just self sabotage and feel like you're stuck in that cycle. So reflecting is very fucking important

and I'm just kind of like unraveling everything I've been reflecting on. But with getting to that point of, I feel like it's getting a little too hard to take care of myself and I don't want to continue forward being the only one taking care of me. I don't. That's so fucking hard for me to admit.

But I see how I was attached to the why. So it's a little bit easier, but that's still fucking hard to admit. I don't wanna admit that I need help and need people and want to have people help me and want to have people just take care of myself. But also I realized with like everything I've been doing on social media, when it was just me building like the audience and like growing and making content,

that was my focus. But now that I have so much of the business back in shit going on, it's not just making the content and growing online. That I can do. I can easily go back to that and get rid of all this fucking pressure. But this has all become a business now because I'm signed to certain agencies and people and this has become a business. And for me to be so involved in the business side and also still be expected to make content and be the talent and like everything on the front end

and the back end is not reasonable at all. So me saying, oh, I don't wanna feel like the only person taking care of me, that's not unrealistic and it's not unfair. It's very much fucking normal. I cannot be the only person taking care of me and continue forward with the way things are going. Absolutely fucking not.

I have no desire to continue the way things are. But I do have like great strength in me, but there are times where I feel kind of like weak and a little bit fragile. And those are the times when I want people to step up and kind of like help take care of me. And I was kind of like fighting back and forth with this and I was cussing out my spirit guides and I was like, What the fuck is this about? What is is this fucking about I don't like this somebody give me a goddamn answer and I was talking to the universe and I was just a little too fucking annoyed and I was like give me an answer of some kind of explanation what is going on with this why is it all of a sudden so hard to take care of me because it's not a self-love issue it's nothing to do with that it's not that I don't care about myself it's got

nothing to do with that aspect it's not that I don't care about myself. It's got nothing to do with that aspect. It's just like, just defeated fucking, what's the point attitude in life? I started hearing in like the back of my head, it takes a village. And I was like, huh? And I heard it again. It takes a village.

It takes a village. It takes a village. And I was like, what the fuck is that about? Like be a little more clear, bitch. Like speaking to my spirit guys, like I don't care to be respectful right now. I don't care. I don't, I wish I did.

But I kind of sat with that for a second. And I was like, all right, it takes a village. My stubbornness. I'm like, no, I could fucking do everything myself. I don't need nobody for nothing. At this point in my life right now, I know I don't need anyone and I can continue forward how I have been and just exhaust my willpower and keep going, but I don't want to if that's what life looks like. So that's when that whole, it takes a village, I realized

it was relief for me to continue forward right now. I can't keep going the way that I've been going and doing what I've been doing and like it takes a fucking village for the Things that I want to achieve and the things that I want to do I don't really feel like I want them anymore, but I know that they're still there It's things I've wanted for a while, but it's gonna take a village But I cannot be the only one taking care of me right now the way that I feel About everything and just this numbness being here, it's kind of giving me two options of like bring in reinforcement, reach out and grab someone's hand and ask for help or stop. So that's kind of where I'm at now. And it is not as easy as just, oh, ask for help.

I have to let go of my entire identity to even begin to ask for help. And I am grateful now that the numbness is here while I'm in this period of transition to this next me because asking for help, there's a lot of guilt with me. And like I said, giving up my identity for being such a strong and like independent, don't need shit type person with asking for help,

I'm numb to the guilt. I'm numb to feeling bad right now. I'm not that I don't have a conscience, but I'm numb to like all the shit that is gonna come from learning to lean on people and ask for people and learning to like grab someone's hand and accept and let in the assistance and like being able to delegate shit

and have people do things for me. All right, now let's take a second to talk about the sponsors of today's podcast. Our first sponsor is Harry's. And I like to talk about Blaz in your own trail, because that's what they did. Harry's is a company for shaving products, and they saw customers getting ripped off by questionable products in the shaving industry, and they decided to do something better. Instead of charging the same old ridiculous prices, Harry's found their own way to make

beautifully designed razors for a fraction of the price of the bigger brands. Their prices are more honest, you could say. Let's mark up. And they've sent me a few of their products and I like their razors a lot because they're weighted, like they have a good weight to them, but they're not too heavy, they're not too light. And I like the handles on them so you don't drop them because that is the worst possible time to drop a razor when you're shaving your face or your private parts. They also have a lot of other self care products. They have deodorant, lotion, body wash, hair gel. They have shaving kits and everything you need for shaving.

They have a lot of products if you wanna check them out. But they also have customizable delivery options for scheduled refills as low as $2. So you can get a five blade razor with a weighted handle, foaming shave gel and a travel cover for just three bucks at harrys.com slash aware. Don't forget to use the slash aware. So don't settle for the status quo. Blaze your own trail with harrys like they did and get started with a $13 trial set. It's valued at $13 but you get it for $3 at harrys.com slash aware.

That's harrys.com slash aware for a $3 trial set. Our next sponsor is hero bread. Y'all know I'm weird about calorie counting and carbs and all that, this is my go through for bread. And I've talked about other brands of bread I like, but hero bread has become my favorite and I'm not just saying that, I'm for real. All their different breads are low calorie and low carb. And that's a reason a lot of people skip certain meals like sandwiches, cause they think that they're that bad

cause they're scared of carbs and all that. And a lot of like the low carb, low calorie breads aren't that good. You literally cannot tell a difference in my opinion with hero bread. My favorite is the white bread because it's fluffy and it's nice. And like I said, you can't tell if it's like normal bread.

Like there's no difference to me. I love a good sandwich or a French toast because if you put a lot of eggs in it, you get the protein too. Ooh, but some other things to know about the bread. There's zero to one gram of net carbs, zero grams of sugar, and they're all high in fiber. So you don't have to give up bread anymore

because hero bread is offering 10% off of your order. So if you go to hero.co, not.com,.co, CO, and use code AWARE at checkout, you'll get 10% off your order. That's AWARE at hero.co, H-E-R-O.CO. Now, back to the podcast. And I am realizing something in my brain, like when you're independent too long,

your brain does not work right and your brain is not trained to ask for help and include people. Like I'm having an issue right now with moving to so many hotels I didn't expect to be gone this fucking long. I just booked this place for two weeks So I'm gonna have been gone from LA for a month and a week as of right now I'm probably gonna keep staying but I didn't pack enough shit

I'm running out of underwear and tank tops like I need to get my laundry done I was thinking of like trying to book a place with a in-unit laundry and dryer thing. Good fucking luck in New York. But one of my friends told me about this service where like they come and pick up your laundry, take it and clean it and then bring it back to you and you pay a certain fee. But my friend Brooke has been staying with me and like coming to see me because she lives in Jersey and she's been like driving her to come see me and hang out. And she was like, Leo, like you should have told me I literally would

have taken your clothes went home and washed them and then brought them back to you and like I felt so like shell shocked because I didn't even think of that fucking possibility like I made my heart so warm and I was like oh my god like what the fuck like that was so sweet but like it made me realize my brain is really not trained to even think of possibilities where I rely on someone or ask for someone's hand to help me. And this is gonna be a whole fucking learning process.

I see how it's gonna be good and it's gonna bring me back to feeling connected with people and this is all for the betterment, but this is about to be a process from hell with letting go who I am, how I've been and like letting my brain be rewired to need people. I've prided myself so long off of not needing fucking nobody. I've always been very, if someone walks into my life, I'm going to be just fucking fine when you walk out.

I've prided myself off of that. I've prided myself off of needing fucking nobody and always being okay. Whether I lose the closest person to me or just a fucking friend. Like, I've set myself up to be okay like that. That no longer serves me. That no longer is gonna let me get to where I wanna go. So, this next version of me is one that needs people. And it makes me wanna throw the fuck up

thinking about stepping into that. But I know it's what I need to do. So I've started taking a couple of steps, but that's really where I'm at now. I've realized a lot of things like this. I'm just taking shit day by day. This is just the things I've realized. Like what I'm gonna do about it realized a lot of things like this. I'm just taking shit day by day. This is just the things I've realized. Like what I'm gonna do about it, I don't fucking know yet.

I'm literally taking it day by day because I don't know really what I wanna do. I'm just kinda figuring out how I'm able to continue and go through the motions. And that's one thing I set myself up to do. And I think that's what next week's episode is gonna be about, is how I'm continuing through the motions. I don't know what the fuck it's gonna be. I set myself up now do. I think that's what next week's episode is gonna be about, is how I'm continuing through the motions.

I don't know what the fuck it's gonna be. I set myself up now to go through the motions better, where I booked a place with a full kitchen, and I'm booked next to a lot of gyms, like walking distance near me, so I can get back into a kind of like little bit of a routine with getting into the gym and cooking for myself, because it's been fun and it's been exciting

of like figuring out what the fuck I'm gonna eat every day and just kind of winging it. That's been cool. But now I'm at a point where like, all right, let's make it a little easier to go through the motions and start freeing up some of my effort and energy off of just surviving and see what comes up. That's kind of what I'm gonna do.

And I'm not gonna give up on the things that I want, like going to the gym and taking care of myself and certain work things that I'm doing. I'm not giving up on the podcast at all. Even though I don't give a fuck about shit right now, I'm still going through the motions just in case I care again. And these are things that I've wanted

and cared about so much for so long, just because I'm in a period of I don't care, I'm still going to make myself go through with as much as I can right now while I'm asking for help. And while I'm like bringing people in to help me do it, but that's a big thing with going through the motions. It's like you care about certain things, but all of a sudden you through the motions. It's like, you care about certain things, but all of a sudden you stop caring, but it's like, am I sure I don't care? Or is it just like a numbness period?

So I'm still gonna go through the motions and I'll share what I learned through that. But the biggest thing I'm dealing with right now, before I end this episode, is I'm not able to feel gratitude. I'm not able to be grateful for shit right now. Like I do have moments in my days where I'm like happy I'm enjoying shit I'm having a good time but deep down I can't appreciate anything. I feel a giant block to it. That's kind of what I'm gonna be going into the next few

days week whatever but it's like the numbness what I'm going to be going into the next few days, week, whatever, but it's like the numbness thing. I'm not able to feel gratitude. Like I notice certain things and like it's obvious what I should be grateful for and what I should feel appreciation for. I don't fucking feel it at all. I don't feel grateful for shit really. I notice where I could and should have appreciation and gratitude, but I can't tap into feeling it. I think it's got to do with the numbness, but that's a really hard spot to kind of be in. And it's not fun.

But like I said, there's no guilt. So like, you know, I'm basically a lot of things of like, oh, you should be grateful for this. You should be this. And when you're not, some people will like shame themselves. I don't really do that. But even if I did try to make myself seem ungrateful, I can't feel it.

I don't give a fuck. Like you should be grateful for this. You should be grateful for the way that you look in your health and like having a financial situation that you've always wanted. Like I can logically appreciate it, but I don't feel it. And I don't want to lose it. But something's blocking me from accessing and appreciating it.

And I'm gonna go into that because this is... This is not fun. I feel like when I try and convince myself to be grateful for things, I'm bullshitting myself. So I don't look at it like something's wrong with me. I'm just looking at it like there's definitely a block and I want to figure out what that is.

Even just after noticing what I explained in this episode with the overwhelm and understanding the numbness and all of that, it's starting to lighten up a little bit. Like the numbness is lightening up a little. I'm talking a real little, like a sliver, a hair that I don't have. But I'm really just giving myself permission to survive for a little bit and go through the motions and just that fucking be enough.

So that's where I'm at right now. If you like this episode, leave me a comment and let me know. I love that we're on this journey together. We're all miserable fucks in the comments, I love it. But if you wanna keep up with me more day to day, I post a lot on Snapchat. If you wanna add me, it's LeoSkeppy. I'll post in the description everything you need from me,

my TikTok, my Instagram. I've been showing what I'm up to on TikTok. Like, I'm having a fun moment and I'm happy and I'm up. And I'm enjoying shit a little bit. I post, it's fun. But I will leave all my social media link in the description. I'll also leave my chronically unimpressed merch,

which I've been wearing the hell out of because I just need everyone to know I'm numb right now. I'm chronically unimpressed with everything. Leave me alone. But that's all I got for you this week. So I hope it helped or I hope it just made you feel a little less alone. Everybody be safe, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.