Aware & Aggravated - 117. The Unseen Battle With Depression

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

Okay, I'm making this episode so you can see the reality of a depressive episode and how bad it gets I'm gonna talk shit for a couple seconds Then I'm gonna talk about how I continue going through the motions and doing shit But when I'm in a depressive episode like this and the reason I'm making this video one so people don't feel alone and two to put feelings to words and validate them for you because I Feel like fucking hell when I feel like this. But when I get in depressive episodes and things are down, I see advice videos online and I just get so fucking irritated like I immediately dismiss everyone and everyone's advice

because I'm like you don't get it. And I know a lot of people do that to me because a lot of people don't think that I feel what they feel So I'm about to just feel it in front of you and go through this with you So that when I speak and when I give you advice You feel safe to trust it because who wants to take advice from somebody who? Feels like you've never that has never like access to what you feel right okay But a lot of things online that are meant to help you actually make you feel worse.

And there was this video that I saw this dude talking about how we like got success and got famous and got all this. And he got to a point where he hung himself and he kind of described how I'm feeling right now. And he got himself off the little court he hung himself with. And then he's acting like he's got it all figured the fuck out. And the interviewer basically asked him,

like, how do you deal with the way that you feel now? How do you continue forward? And this dude says, I have certain rituals in my life that help me feel better and do things. And he said, one of my favorite rituals is at night, I make myself a cup of tea. What in the fuck is that gonna do for anybody?

That makes me feel even more hopeless when I feel like this is to hear someone describe how I feel and then pretend like they have the answer and give some bullshit like I make a fucking tea and it makes me not want to fucking kill myself right that honestly makes you feel worse and when you're looking for help and looking for things to try and make yourself feel better when you feel like this you see someone like that and you genuinely it just is something that's like almost enough to push you over the edge of like, girl there

really ain't no fucking help. So the last thing I'm going to do is get on here and pretend like I've got it figured out. That's going to hurt you more than help you. And I'm not doing it. I don't have the energy. I don't have shit in me right now to do it. And I'm letting you see this so that you understand you can trust the things that I say because I've touched where you've been and how you feel but also just because I'm like I said in my other episode I'm tired of the bullshit online so here we go I'm gonna talk about and like explain how I feel right now and I had to wait until I hit this, one of these episodes, like one of these really low lows to talk about it, or wouldn't have been real.

So I have to let you see it to accurately talk about it. It's different to watch someone, like after they've been through it, shut the fuck up is enough of that online. From my experience with depressive episodes, they come in waves. And when they hit, they hit like a truck. And the biggest thing that I deal with

is like just general discomfort. Like I start to almost lose my mind. I don't wanna sit down. I don't wanna stand up. I don't wanna lay down. I don't wanna be awake. I don't wanna go to sleep. I'm fucking tired, but I don't wanna sleep.

I don't wanna go anywhere. I don't wanna do anything. Like I don't wanna sit in silence. I don't wanna to sleep. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything Like I don't want to sit in silence. I don't want to listen to music. I can't figure out What to do? I just feel so Uncomfortable at times and I literally want to just take my body Unzip it and climb out of it. Not that I want to die I just like I feel so uncomfortable and it makes me start to go, like, get antsy and get, like, stir crazy.

I'm like, what the fuck do I do? And there's no escaping it. There's nothing really you can do. It's just this general, like, uncomfortable. Like, you don't want shit, but you want things, but you don't know, it's very frustrating. But that comes with a hopelessness because you start to get hopeless of like,

what can I do? You don't know what to do. You don't know if things are gonna get better. And it's too tiring to reassure yourself things are gonna get better. Like, that's just a bitch. Like, you know things are gonna get better. You know it's one of these waves

and one of these low periods. You know it's gonna come back. You know it's one of these waves and one of these low periods. You know it's gonna come back up, but when it's happening it's too fucking draining to think about anything positive or reassuring or whatever. It's just like you're trapped in the uncomfortable and the hopeless and you're just like, I'm gonna snap and go insane or just sit here. That really feels like all the options I have sometimes. But a really, really big feeling that always comes up

is feeling like I've seen too much and feeling damaged beyond repair. Like I know as much as I know, I feel the weight of the awareness that I have and I see all the things I can do And I see why things are happening I understand shit and I know what I can do to make it better and help it and like I Just don't want to it's like just you think about doing it and then you see more and more shit to do and it's just like Damaged beyond repair. It's like for what?

to do and it's just like damaged beyond repair. It's like for what? Like it's just draining to even think about it and you just sit there feeling so fucking damaged. Like there's no hope and you've just seen too much. And I'm not saying I'm suicidal. That's something I've dealt with before but when I'm in these periods, I don't get to suicidal. I just get to a point of like stand still

because it feels like a waste to live and It feels like a waste to die so you're just kind of stuck in like a Limbo not really it's just like you're just stuck in this like while this wave just like a wrecks you the other thing is like, when I'm in this state, it feels like everything takes effort. Like everything is effort to do anything to move. Like I'm surprised I'm doing this podcast right now

because I do not want to hold this up. I just want to fucking lay here and just stare off in silence. But the whole thing with effort, like every single thing feels like effort. I can't even look at the fucking camera. Don't mind me. Everything just feels like so much goddamn effort and just the thought and like thinking feels like effort. Like thinking anything, trying to direct your thoughts or guide your thoughts just feels like so much effort, much less to move.

And the best visual I have for this is like when you feel like this wave hitting you, it's like people always say, don't pour from an empty cup. You feel like an empty cup and you have nothing to give to anything, but you're also a cup that's empty with a crack in the bottom and everything you try and do to fill it drains out and there's Nothing like you're just like a cracked empty cup. There's nothing to pour. There's no way to refill It's just that stuck feeling even to think about the topic of relationships while in a state like this

Relationships feel so fucking goddamn, relationships feel so fucking goddamn useless. People are so fucking goddamn useless. Nothing but a fucking disappointment. It's just like to even think about that, no. Like don't even bother. I'm really okay. The other thing kind of hitting me with this episode is I'm in a period right now where I feel like

I'm mourning myself a lot. Like I keep changing into new versions of myself and I'm like mourning myself non-stop and I feel like I can't keep up with the grief. And like these periods make it very apparent and it's that stuckness again and just the numbness of just like lay down but the biggest bitch is when you're in this and you're in one of these waves and depressive episode states I don't even know the correct terminology eat a fucking dick trying to correct me right now I don't give a fuck I'm being real vulnerable right now I'm letting you see like the depths of it but you forget and

have like no recollection or idea of what life is like when it doesn't feel like this. Like when the wave is hitting you, you forget what it's like to be happy, to feel happy, to feel joy, to feel anything positive. Like you just forget and feel so disconnected from it and you can't like fathom really what life feels like. And when I said disconnected, disconnected from that,

but also when I feel like this, I'm so disconnected from everything, it's gut wrenching. Like I don't know how to explain it. Like I don't feel connected to anything anything and something I've always dealt with is a feeling of homesickness but I don't have a home. I don't feel like I have a home. Sure I have an apartment and like a place that I stay but I do not feel like I have a home. I feel like the homesickness to like such a sad level. Like I feel like a little kid again. And like, you know when you're just like,

I just wanna go home, there isn't one. But I know what it feels like. I don't know how to explain it. It's like homesickness for a place that doesn't exist and I've never been. Harayeth is the word for that. But that's the exact way to describe it. But like the feeling state of that is like missing something you've never had and like

you know there's a place you belong and you know that there's a home but it's not anywhere. Like it's the weirdest fucking thing to try and describe, but like it makes you so sad, but in a period like this, like you're too fucking tired to cry. I think one of the worst parts of being in like a depressive state like this is you start to question things and question yourself and your capabilities

and just you start to question everything. It doesn't feel good. And you start to doubt yourself. And you are too tired to fight the thoughts or question the thoughts. It's like they just flood in and you just are like, okay. Like there's no fighting them. There's no questioning them.

Like when you're in like a better mood, like when I'm in a upstate, I can question the thoughts and like face them and shoot holes in them and look for the proof. When you get in this, it's like you're too tired to look for the proof. You're too tired to do anything about them, they're just there.

And I feel like they just wreck me a lot when I'm feeling like this. When I'm feeling all right, they don't bother me. Like I can work through them. But times like this, I'm feeling all right they don't bother me like I can work through them but times like this I'm just like okay have fun brain do what you want but this weird like feeling state changes every couple of hours high functioning depression whatever you want to call it it's like you'll be in this for like a month two months couple of months whatever but like the waves of this feeling state come

and they hit you and they're debilitating. It's the strangest fucking shit because you'll be like so low for a couple of hours and then you'll feel like okay I can live again and like you're okay for a minute or like a day and then it hits you again. And it's like just a constant up and down, back and forth, like able to function and live and like you're okay for a second and then it's just like debilitating, like wrecked, drained, tired, can't fucking function. And the waves, it's weird cause it like the grief process, it's like when you're going through heartbreak

or a breakup or you lose someone to death, how those waves hit you, it's like when you're going through a heartbreak or a breakup or you lose someone to death, how those waves hit you, it's like this depression hits you. And it's like, it'll just hit and hit and hit out of nowhere. You can't stop it, you can't do anything about it, but when it hits you, it just is debilitating. That's the way I can describe a depressive episode or state or wave or whatever the fuck you wanna call call it But that's how I feel right now and when I'm in these moods

It's like or states you could say because like you're good some days You're not good other days. It's so back and forth. It's so fucking weird But I wrote down a couple of things of like How I keep going Bitch I just do That's the first one I wrote No, but for real I do keep myself like trying to go through the motions and do things that I know I care about Because I've just because I don't care right now doesn't mean I'm not gonna kick back into caring again and like I said it's every couple days weeks months

whatever like it just keeps flipping but the care usually always comes back so when I'm down I still try to do what I can with going through the motions when one of these waves hit I just let myself fall apart fully and that's something that takes a lot of safety with yourself and security with yourself to be able to let yourself just fucking like fall apart. But I just let myself like I let myself fall the fuck apart I let myself just lay in the bed or just stare off into space until I hear just the ringing like when it's so quiet it just rings I will just stare off into space and just let myself Like let this wave just crush me one of the things that makes me feel safe to Let myself fall apart is I don't act. I don't let myself take actions While I'm in this state But I also don't let myself distract myself because it

just keeps the spiral going of feeling worse, feeling more disconnected, whatever. Like I don't let myself do anything to distract myself, but I also don't let myself act because when you're sitting with emotions like this, you're very fucking irrational. There's not much thought you put into things and you might do something Temporarily make you feel better which doesn't and it causes irreparable damage like some people I'm not that I'm there But I don't let myself act in these states because you do take a rational action But with feeling like shit like this and not letting yourself do anything

You have to face the truth that nothing will make you feel better like I just tell myself You're not gonna act and you got to accept the fucking hopelessness of like nothing's gonna make you feel better You just got to sit in it and let it pass because no action. I've taken ever in these states makes you feel better and taken ever in these states makes you feel better. And it's hard right now because I'm in a place where I'm having to make really big decisions while I'm feeling like this. And I just try so hard to attach onto logic and wait for a wave to pass before I make a decision.

Stresses me the fuck out, but nothing's gonna make you fucking feel better while this state is here, like while the wave's hitting, nothing's gonna make you fucking feel better. If there was something I would tell you, just sitting in it, like not acting, not doing shit, you just gotta sit there and just wait, because your emotion will pass.

The wave does pass, but I just gotta sit in it and let myself fall the fuck apart. And then it's like you'll pop your head above water real quick, like you feel like you're drowning. And then all of a sudden you'll be like, boop, and like your head will pop out. And then you know you're like, okay, to do stuff from there.

But not when you drown it. One of my biggest challenges with this is you have to live day to day like to commit to plans in the future is very hard. Like I said when you lose someone that dies you don't know when the waves are gonna hit you of like the mourning process so it does get very fucking inconvenient and you can't let yourself just fall apart all the time but like just letting myself fall apart and taking it day by day and not scheduling things if I don't have to and just literally just doing shit when I can do it is kind of how I have to live. I don't even think I want to put this fucking episode out

so if you're seeing this right now I decided to but I really just want you guys to see you see my strength and I'm only able to have the strength that I do because I've accessed this level of like weak and like pain. And it's not fair to not let you see both because you're not going to trust it. And like I said with me with people I'm like you dumb fuck you don't know what you're talking about. But if I saw someone break down I would trust their advice and I got back up that's the only reason I'm considering posting this is like for you guys to relate and not feel alone and to share what I've kind of learned about

these fucking episodes and how I deal with them and get through them you just have to sit there and you just just gotta keep going when you can. But they always end always. And there's always some kind of big shift after. So I've been through this before where it's like a couple of months of the depressive episodes hitting and hitting and hitting. And then I'll have a big breakthrough. And then I won't feel it for like a while like years but now I'm

online and I can't do this shit in private anymore because I'm not I'm not gonna try and force myself to like be going through this shit and then on top of it force out an image I don't fucking do that you'll all know that. But if you feel similar, I'll say it because I know it's hard for you to tell yourself. It's gonna get better. It's gonna pass. You're gonna be fine. And this is a part of the process and it's you're gonna be grateful this just happened in a little bit. It's not gonna make sense now Just get the fuck through it Hang through it. It's gonna make sense later. And if you can't believe yourself right now, just believe me This feels like too vulnerable

But I wanted you to meet this side He wanted to meet you actually a Breakthrough is gonna come this is how I get my knowledge Is going through this shit? And I'm so fucking like Excited for like what's gonna happen. It's all gonna feel worth it. I know it. I've been through this too many times It hits such good shit, and it's always been worth it. This is just the worst I ever felt and And it's always been worth it. This is just the worst I ever felt And I'm just like I can't wait for this one because the contrast is gonna be there like as bad as this one was

It's as high as it's gonna get like I'm just waiting on it. I'm convincing myself of that But that's it I'm gonna go shut the fuck up and go stare up into space Kind of like I'm doing now, but not in front of a camera. So I hope this did something for somebody. Cause this just took the fucking life out of me.