Aware & Aggravated - 19. Dealing With Toxic People

Episode Date: March 20, 2022

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Hi friends, so today we're gonna talk about toxic people and People you can get away from people you can't you know because we got like family that you want to cut them to fuck off But you can't and then you got like friends which you can cut off but sometimes you just don't want to you know Like a little toxic keeps it fun, but as always I'm gonna give you my like honest thoughts opinions and all the above and all the Etc. About the topic of toxicity because people throw out that fucking title like it's nothing y'all know I don't like that and y'all know I like to hold people

accountable so the motherfuckers that be saying oh my god they're so toxic bitch It takes two to toxic just like it takes two to tango. So what the fuck are you doing? Let's look back at you. You know, let's get some self-awareness in this bitch. Let's point the finger both ways and assess what's going on. You know that's how I operate. And that's why a lot of people don't like my advice

and don't like what I have to say. It's because I'm gonna hold you the fuck accountable to what you're doing too. It's not just about them and how they're bad and wrong Your contributing to let's just see how but then I'm also gonna give you some tips about how to deal with these people because most of the time They're emotionally stunted behaving like toddlers No emotional maturity and you want to knock them upside the fucking head, but that's illegal So I do have a couple tricks up my sleeve and a couple things from my own experience that I'm going to share. But I do need to knock this one ball

out the fucking park real fast. I have a lot of people message me and bitches will be like, oh my god, my boyfriend is so toxic. Like he's just so toxic and narcissistic. And my immediate thought is, okay, then why the fuck are you with him? Like you understand that this person behaves in a way that's damaging to you. Why the fuck are you still with them? And a lot of Italians people use the excuse of, oh, well, I love him. So in order to love him, you have to not love yourself and not consider yourself. Like, you have to choose to hurt yourself in order to love him. How's that fair to you?

You're basically picking them over yourself. So your entire life is gonna be fucked and it's gonna be chaos until you learn to choose you. Just the heads up. Like that's where I'm saying it takes two to toxic. Once you have the awareness that someone is like detrimental to your life, do what you can to get them to fuck out of it.

Like do what you can, just period that part, do what you can to get out of it and to not be around them. If you can leave them, then fucking leave them. But it's easy to trap yourself in it and like convince yourself that you're stuck in it when you're really not. But I just wanted to get that out of the way and throw that little piece of insight out. Why the fuck are you still there? Once you gain the awareness, why are you still there? Why are you still choosing to be in that?

Because once somebody shows you who they are, if you choose to keep going back, you're choosing to abuse yourself at that point. If they've shown you, they don't care that their actions hurt you and you choose to keep going forward with them It's your fucking responsibility now grab yourself by the fucking nuts and leave Like you just need to become aware of that and take accountability for Once they show you who they are if you keep going back, now it's on you. I need to make you aware that it's a choice.

So that's what I'm trying to explain right now. Once you have the awareness, they're fucked up or they're treating you bad, moving forward from there, you are choosing to deal with it. You are choosing the abuse, you are choosing the toxic, you are choosing it. You have to see that it's a choice so that you can choose differently you can't just stay blind to it once you're aware like I've

always say awareness is a fucking bitch because now you got to make a change a great analogy of this is a stove top if you don't know what a stove is, you don't understand it gets hot. You reach up and you touch it and it burns the fuck out of you. Now you're aware. Okay, a stove is hot and it will burn me if I keep touching it. So I'm not going to touch it anymore. But if you go back and you touch the stove again, dumbass, what are you fucking doing? Like now you know that it's hot. Now you know what a stove is. Now you know it's gonna burn you every time you go back and touch it. So stop fucking touching it. If you want to stop getting burned, does that make sense? Sometimes we just got to

simplify it. And I know relationships are very, very complex, but just take a second to look at it like that. Quit touching the goddamn stove, bitch. But that brings me back to my point on accountability. The reason I'm so big on that is because you can't control other people. I always advise to go for what is in your control. So if you want to stop being burned, you can choose to stop touching the stove. That is your immediate way to stop being burned. But other people will look at the stove and tell the stove why it's bad people will look at the stove and tell the stove why it's bad and get mad at the stove for burning it and try to change the stove.

Don't be so hot. You need to cool down. You know, you cannot control the stove. If there's no fucking knob on it, like a human being, you can't control them. There's no knob. So it's like a stove with no knob. You can't control it. So you putting your energy into trying to change the stove for what it is is pointless. It's a waste. Now, flip the analogy of a stove into the person that you think is toxic. Putting energy into trying to change them is a fucking waste. What is in your control, your ability to stop touching the stove. So stop fucking touching it. Focus on what's in your control.

That's the big part behind accountability because that's where you're going to make improvements. That's where things are going to get better. You're going to waste your fucking time and be nothing but stressed out and a goddamn wreck. Putting all this effort, I have to get the stove to stop burning me. Oh my god, it's like bitch, just stop fucking touching it. Stop trying to change the stove. It is what it is. You know that it's hot. You know it will burn you. Don't fucking touch it. Okay, I did start this off a little rancid. I'm very in your face on this one, but I'm not the soft enough. Okay. So my first like piece of advice with dealing with toxic people, whether it's your parents, friends, a partner, whoever you think is toxic in your life. Look at them from a different lens for a second and just try to understand them for who they are.

I know hang on, hang on before you turn this off and you're like, shut up Leo, what the fuck are you on about? Just hang on. turn this off and you're like, shut up Leo, what the fuck are you on about? Just hang on. Look at them and try to understand why they behave the way that they do. How is it benefiting them?

And how could behaving the way that they do have come about for them? Like, why would they have started to behave the way that they do? Like narcissists, people want to throw that term around don't know what the fuck they're talking about. But narcissism is not a personality disorder. It's an adaptive behavioral strategy. People adapt that, okay? But that's for another fucking episode.

I'll do a whole episode of narcissists if you want. But if you just look at these toxic people, if they exhibit toxic traits, I don't really like the term toxic. So if you just look at somebody that treats you away that you don't want to be treated, why would they think that's okay? Like get fully in their perspective for a minute and try to understand how that came about, like how they became the way that they are. And once you start understanding someone, you can't judge them because once you understand why something is the way that it is, you can't judge it so hard. And sometimes you end up not being able to judge it at all because now you fucking get it.

So I know it's very hard when someone is like a piece of shit from your perspective, but just put down the defense and the offense for a second and just climb into their perspective and try to see what possibly could have led them to behaving the way that they do now. You know, I'm not saying do it to give them sympathy or anything. I'm just saying get a general understanding because a need is being met for them, for whatever they're fucking doing. I don't care how twisted and fucked up it is.

And one thing about human beings, every single action that a human being takes is to try to feel better, at the core of it, at the base of it. Everyone is just trying to feel better. It does not matter what the action is when you boil it down to the core of the true intention, it's to feel better. So you can kind of take

on a little bit of a more compassionate attitude once you reassure yourself of that. People's intentions are not as negative and as not as harmful as you'd assume. And it's a lot more going on with them. But yeah, that's my first tip because it'll help you get a little bit of compassion and a little bit of understanding for the person that you're working with, you know, because like I said, sometimes you can't cut them off. Like if they're family, you can't really cut them off. And my next piece of advice on that is like family members or someone that you cannot cut off, you need to just start going to them for what they're useful for. So I'm going to give you some examples. So if you're looking at your parents, like they're

just royal fuck ups and they can't do shit right Stop trying to get every single need met by them. Stop expecting them to be perfect Stop expecting them to be capable of doing everything for you and this goes for a parent or you want to look at this from a Perspective of a partner or a friend Don't expect just one person to be able to do it all and meet all the needs you have. So if you just keep seeing things and like reasons that they're a fuck up, that's all you're going to keep seeing until you deliberately switch your focus. So until you decide, okay, what is my parents actually good at? And you start questioning it and you start wondering, you're opening yourself up to now seeing what they're good at and what needs they can meet. So like an example is my dad, I've talked about it before. He's not the person to go to for emotional support.

At all, he does not understand emotions are a thing. Like he's not the fucking one to go to for that. But if you have a problem, if you need something fixed, if there's a threat to your safety, or you need someone to be there for you like threat to your safety, or you need someone to be there for you, like, and come get you, or you have any trouble with your fucking car, or like, you need to eat, he's the one to fucking go to. He'll make sure you eat, he'll make sure you're safe, he'll make sure you have a bed to sleep in, he'll make sure you have clothes, he'll make sure you're protected, but that's it.

Like, he can do what he can do, but you're never gonna see where your parent or someone is good enough when you're only focused on where they're not. So like my whole point with this is, go to people for what they're good at. If I've experienced with my dad, he's not comforting, he's not like emotionally supportive or soothing,

I now know, don't go to him for that, but it doesn't mean to write him off that he's fucking useless because I just have one problem right now. There's other problems that I can go to him for. There's other things he's resourceful for for having him in my life and especially like your dad, you can't cut them off, you know, like you can, but it's just like a pan in the ass. So I focus on the areas my dad is good at. So when I have a problem with any of the areas that he's great with and he has proven that he's reliable, I'll go to him for that.

But I don't go to him for emotional support. I'll go to my sister or my mom or a friend or whoever whatever the situation is. I know who I can go to for what? So start looking at the people in your life, the toxic ones that you think are toxic. They might be toxic in 25 different fucking angles or areas, but there might be one area that they're actually pretty fucking good in. Even if it's just being there to listen to you talk or to fucking, some people are good

at just cuddling. Like you have those friends where you don't wanna fuck, you just wanna cuddle, they can cuddle. Just start looking for the voids that certain people can fill and looking for what people are good at and then get that from them. There's nothing wrong with that.

Like let people be useful to you. Even the toxic ones, like if you can't cut them out of your life, at least let them be there for you in the ways that they can. Like if they're stuck in your life, at least let them be there for you in the ways that they can. Like if they're stuck in your life, make them fucking useful. Is my point. I do want to circle back really quick with an example to the understanding them part.

So this is just one example that I see a lot of people deal with. Is there parents holding money over their head or like their parent will do something for them and then we'll remind them that they fucking did that for them. And that means you should behave a certain way or like you're in debt to them now. You know, like they expect you to act a certain way because they paid for something for you or they bought you something. So if you look at trying to understand a parent that does this, that is a person that feels very unsafe.

So people that use money to control others, whoo, that's a lot to unpack. But that is a person that has learned that money is one of the best ways to get people to behave the way that they want. They don't believe that people will just treat them right and consider them and behave correctly towards them just because they care about them.

Like these are the people that think they need to provide something and like put money over your head or do something for you to guarantee that you will act right or be nice to them. So it's for them to feel safe and to feel like they have some sort of control because if someone needs to do that, they've had some bad experiences where people have like royally fucked them or not considered them or whatever it is. But the attitude of understanding, I'm going to keep fucking saying that because it's so much more important than people realize.

But the whole like parent holding money over your head, they might do shit for you financially that they know you can't do for yourself to guarantee connection with them. They want to feel useful to you so they feel like they won't lose you. But that can become a very toxic fucking cycle because they're gonna do something for you and then they expect you to act a certain way and then when you don't act that way, they feel like ripped off. They feel betrayed. So they're going to throw it back in your face and be like, what the fuck? Like I did this, this, and this for you, ungrateful little shit.

But that is a toxic situation where like they do something for you with strings attached, with undisclosed expectations. And then when you don't uphold those, they feel like they were like ripped off. So it's like they put you in a contract that you didn't know that you were in. And by you behaving a way that they didn't want, they feel like they were like ripped off. So it's like they put you in a contract that you didn't know that you were in and by you behaving a way that they didn't want. They feel like you just voided the contract and just like betrayed them. But their lack of communication is a thing that's actually fucking in that situation. But someone that's not aware is not going to see that. So that's their own fucking shit to deal with.

But that's a dynamic that can become very toxic. So if you understand that your parent is like that, don't accept money from them, find another way to get it, or if you're going to accept money from them, get very clear. Be like, okay, by you paying for this for me, what are you expecting? Are you expecting anything? Ask them, And that's their chance to be very fucking honest. And then voice your worry or your concern, be like, Hey, I'm just worried if I accept this. And then if I do something you don't like, you're

going to try and guilt me and shame me and hold this over my head and like throw it back in my face. Say that doesn't feel good. And it makes me want to push you away when you do that. So like, if I'm going to accept this money And it makes me want to push you away when you do that. So like, if I'm going to accept this money, or if I'm going to let you pay for this thing for me, I just want the reassurance that that's not going to happen because I don't like the way that it makes me feel toward you. Say something along those lines and be very fucking clear about it. And then if they continue to do it, even after you communicate, stop accepting money altogether. But you get what I mean, where there's ways to deal with these people,

but you have to understand them first. You kind of have to get an understanding of why they're doing what they're doing, what they're getting out of it. This is very hard to explain and unpack. I can just do it. Like if you came to me with a situation, I could tell you exactly how to handle it. But, girl, it's just hard to give examples that aren't like exact, you know? I'm trying my best. Oh, and one other good thing to say for like the parent dynamic of them giving you money

and then throwing it in your fucking face, say, I don't feel safe to accept it. And then when they ask why, tell them all the reasons that you're like hesitant. But you gotta be honest with the way that it makes you feel. You have to be it. And then when they ask why, tell them all the reasons that you're like hesitant. But you got to be honest with the way that it makes you feel. You have to be vulnerable. And if you have a European parent like me, you're going to get probably a lot of backlash and a lot of shut the fuck up, you're stupid. But you know what, you need to give them the chance to be vulnerable because once you change the way you act after that,

you gave them a fair fucking warning. You know, like you tried to give them the chance to consider you and then if they're gonna show you, they're not gonna consider you. All right, now I'm gonna consider myself. Goodbye. We're done with this, whatever it's gonna be. But you gotta give them not fucking chance

to consider you before you just stop considering them with your next move just to protect yourself. Okay, my next little spiel is gonna be on when someone is always trying to fucking one up you. Like, you do something and then they're always saying how they're better or how they can do it better or they actually do it better. Like, they think everything's a competition

dealing with that type of toxicity is a pain in the fucking dick. But, I need to show you, like, I'm trying to share with you both perspectives so that you can understand it better and realize it's not really about you. And then I'm going to get into the topic about shit not being about you. First, if you have someone that every time you do something, They try to like beat you or be better at it. It's because they are so cripplingly insecure. The fact that you're succeeding or doing something good, they

feel like it's an attack on them. They're instantly going to feel validated that they're not good enough. They're going to perceive you as doing better than them now. So, in order to combat that, someone emotionally immature is going to feel the need to prove their self. They're not going to sit in the way that they feel. They're just going to immediately try and like stop feeling the way that they're feeling. So they're going to try and prove their self, improve that they're good enough, improve that they're good too. Because you just made them feel less than by being a little bit better or achieving something that they didn't have. So they're now going to feel the need to prove it.

So they're going to get up and try and fuck and prove it. They're going to try and be better. They're going to try and do better. But it's not because they're trying to fuck with you or attack you. It's because what's going on inside them is in order for them to get back to a baseline of feeling good enough, they now need to level up and accomplish what you just accomplished or do it better. They're gonna feel anxious and uneasy and like shit, until they get that validation that you two are equal again.

So that's that kind of like competitive dynamic that a lot of parents have with their kids, which I think is so fucked up, and like they don't want their kids to succeed. And now I'm gonna jump into that with when someone is mad or bitter about your accomplishments. So we just talked about the competitive motherfucker. Now we're gonna talk about the people that are bitter

when you accomplish something or you have something exciting happen to you. You know, like something good happens to you and they wanna throw shit on it or fucking rain on your parade, which I don't like. I don't stand no shit like that. But only people that really do that are fucking losers because someone that's achieving things every time you achieve something, they're not going to take

it as an attack because they're achieving things too. You're going to be able to celebrate each other as you're working and moving forward and accomplishing things together. The only people that are going to give you shit for when you accomplish something or be negative about it are people who are stagnant and who are not accomplishing anything. Because if they were accomplishing things, they would know how exciting it is. They would know how good it feels and how much they would want everyone to be supportive of them and be happy for them.

So, they're asleep, one, and they're stagnant. They're not accomplished in shit too because they would have the awareness if they were. So I'm going to give you kind of like a conversation back and forth example of this. So let's say you get some good news or you graduate school, like you finally achieve your goal and you graduate. People around you that are insecure are immediately going to feel a sense of panic and powerlessness because they don't feel like they can create something good for their self. Like you just accomplished something and someone that has critically low self esteem is going to be pissed off because they're jealous. Like they don't think that they can

create it for their self. So they're just sitting in powerlessness. And a way that most people get out of that is by shaming and attacking the people that just accomplished something. So if you have a family member say to you or a friend, be like, stop bragging. Because you're celebrating your accomplishment or you got some good news and they say that you're bragging, that's their power play. because they feel very fucking powerless where they're at and your whole good experience and your accomplishment just triggered to shit out of them. And like I said, they don't know how to sit

with the way that they feel. They just want to get away from it. So trying to get away from it, that's the power play they're going to do. They're going to try and attack you for the way that you're handling something. They're going to latch onto any little fucking thing that they can to feel better. So they're going to criticize the way that you're handling something. They're gonna latch onto any little fucking thing that they can to feel better.

So they're gonna criticize the way that you're bragging. They're gonna say you're fucking bragging. It's not nice to do that, it's not polite. They're gonna criticize you in some way. But I wanna reassure you, it's not about you. Because you could do everything fucking right, but the fact that you simply just accomplished what you accomplished is

triggering enough that they're hunting for something to bitch about. And they'll probably make some shit up and exaggerate things if they have to. But if someone comes to you and tries to shame you for bragging about something that you just accomplished, do not engage in that fucking conversation because what they want is for you to go down that rabbit hole of like you trying to prove I'm not bragging look I wouldn't do this I didn't like you're gonna get all flustered and you're gonna start trying to prove how you weren't bragging That's exactly what they want. That's exactly what's gonna feed their cycle and you trying to prove yourself to them is gonna give them a sense of superiority they were looking for.

Don't go down that fucking rabbit hole. Do not try and prove that you weren't bragging if you weren't bragging. If you were just celebrating your accomplishment, do not try and fucking prove nothing else. You know your intentions. And now listen to this podcast, you're aware of what this motherfucker's doing.

Okay. What I want you to say to them is how did you come to that? Like just ask them, how did you come to that? Like how did you come to the thought that I'm bragging? I'm just curious. Ask them that because bitch, what you're about to do is flip this shit on them so hard and bring them face to face with theirself and what they're actually fucking worried about. But most of these people are so asleep, they're not going to be able to handle it, they're

not going to know what to do. But they'll most likely start criticizing your actions. They'll say, well, you this, you that, you were this, like you're just throwing it in my face. And it's like, then do not go into the whole thing of like, no, I wasn't. Don't say shit. Let them say what they wanted to fucking say about how they came to the thought that you were bragging Let them get all that out let them attack you and criticize you and the way that they fucking want and just look at them

Dead in their fucking face and be like Okay, and that's it and then you're gonna take the conversation out of their fucking control And you're gonna say the conversation out of their fucking control. And you're gonna say something along the lines of, why the fuck would I not be excited about this? If it's something that you worked for like you graduated, be like, I worked my fucking ass off for this. So yeah, I'm excited.

Yeah, I'm gonna celebrate. Fuck yeah, I am. And I'm gonna be excited. And I'm gonna be happy. And I'm gonna be proud of myself because I fucking should be But if it's not something that you work for like it's just good news or something be like yeah, I'm excited Who would not be excited in this situation? And then if they try and attack you again about oh, you're bragging

Flip it and say if this was happening to you, I would expect you to fucking brag I would expect you to fucking brag. I would expect you to be excited because who wouldn't be? But what I really want to talk about is why you're not excited for me. Because if this was you and my shoes, I would be rooting for you. I would be happy as fuck and I would let you brag. Like you earned that shit. You just graduated school. I would be right fucking there rooting for you and like letting you brag like you earn that shit. You just graduated school I would be right fucking there rooting for you and like letting you brag bitch You earned to have a big head about this you earned the excitement. So let's talk about that And bitch watch their fucking face fall. They're not gonna know what the fuck to say

Because now you just flipped the whole conversation You're not entertaining their fucking bullshit and now you flipped it and put the pressure on them for the reaction that they have. You just validated the shit out of yourself. They're aware that you just accused the shit out of them for behaving the way that they did it, but you didn't even acknowledge it. You didn't say anything or criticize them in any way. And then say to them, something along the lines of like, if you can't find it in yourself to fucking be excited for me,

though I'd be excited for you, don't come around my celebration. And I'm not going to share anything good with you in the future, because you just rained on my fucking parade. And I don't deserve that. Say something like you ruined my excitement. Now I don't want to talk to you about good things anymore. And bitch, just leave it. Just leave it be. You can pick what you want and don't want to talk to you about good things anymore. And bitch, just leave it. Just leave it be. You can pick what you want and don't want from that conversation, but you get the points I was making.

And I taught you how to like, control that type shit. But you're not going into their rabbit hole of trying to prove yourself on anything, anything, because that's the power play they want. I told you that bitch, you're not doing it. Don't try to defend yourself to them at all. They already have a warped perception of every move you make.

They're already judging the shit out of you. So, nothing you do is like, you can defend yourself on. You can't defend yourself to someone who has a warped perception of you. It's never gonna work. You're never gonna change their mind. They're gonna see you the way they warped perception of you. It's never gonna work. You're never gonna change their mind. They're gonna see you the way they wanna fucking see you. And if seeing you in a negative light

because you accomplished something, makes them feel better about them not accomplishing something, that's what serves them, not get the fuck away from them. They're not someone who's rooting for you. They're not someone you need to have in your life. Or be close to. And like I said, if it's a family member or anything, just distance yourself.

Stop including them in these events. If you accomplish something, you're allowed to say who the fuck can come. I don't care if it's your mom or your dad. Say, I don't want them at my graduation. And I don't give a fuck if they pay for my tuition. This is my fucking day. I fucking graduated.

I busted my ass to go through school. Now, I fucking pick who gets to be there to celebrate with me. I don't give a shit who paid my tuition. You get that. This is reassurance that you get that. You get that control. And if you don't want them at your celebration

because they're gonna ruin it, tell them don't fucking come. You are free to consider yourself and make how you feel the priority. And if you wanna be excited and have a good celebration for what you just accomplished, then prioritize that. And anyone that is not going to help you with that can get the fuck out of the way. And for someone that's like fresh on this self-love journey and learning how to consider the way that you feel and make that a priority,

something that I use to tell myself and something that you're probably going to tell yourself is, oh, well, if I don't invite them, it's going to make it awkward. I don't want to make it weird. Yada yada. Bitch, I hate to break it to you. The way they reacted already made it awkward. They already made it fucking weird. So all inviting them would do would be you overlooking what they just did and allowing them to come and discarding the way that you feel because they're going to come and ruin your fucking celebration. No, you ain't doing it. They made it awkward. They made it weird. And if they expect you to overlook it, that's not fucking fair. You didn't do anything. They have to overlook. Why the fuck should you overlook their reaction and their piss fucking storm on your parade? Why should you overlook that? You shouldn't do anything, they have to overlook. Why the fuck should you overlook their reaction and their piss fucking storm on your parade?

Why should you overlook that? You shouldn't. And if they try and guilt you for it, tell them to eat a fucking dick and listen to this podcast. Ha. I have very low tolerance for that type of shit. Like grow the fuck up, gain some self-awareness,

learn how to be a parent, or if you're not a parent in this situation, learn how to be an adult, learn how to gather yourself and or if you're not a parent in this situation learn how to be an adult learn how to Gather yourself and be a decent human being because that's one thing I don't stand for is no raining on my Fucking parade. All right be excited with me be excited for me because I'm gonna be the exact same towards you I don't have time for no intimidated-ass people. That's your problem get away from me Okay, next thing I want to talk about is sometimes toxic people's reaction to you is not about you. I'm going to give you an example and it's a very extreme example,

but it's going to help you like get the point I'm trying to make. My friend went to her boyfriend because she was having suicidal thoughts and she wanted to confide in him and let him know what was going on, why she was behaving the way that she was. And when she sat him down to have a conversation with him, she told him she was having suicidal thoughts. And he looked at her, got up and left the room and just left her sitting in there by herself.

Like acted like he didn't fucking care and just walked out If someone is very emotionally immature You need to take into consideration that they have feelings too So by her walking up to him and saying I'm having thoughts about killing myself him and saying, I'm having thoughts about killing myself. That just caused him to feel extremely powerless when your loved one comes up to you and says, they're like considering taking their own life. It puts you in a powerless position because you can't control if they do or don't. If someone wants to kill theirself, they'll find a way. And that panic runs over you. So her boyfriend is very emotionally immature. Um, does not really get it. Does he doesn't know how to even regulate himself

to even be able to be there for her. So in that moment, he got up and walked out. And I was like, maybe he was just overwhelmed with the way that hearing that just made him feel. He didn't even have the capacity to consider how his reaction was going to be perceived. He just had to get up and run from the way he was feeling. So he got up and walked out. That's a very powerless feeling. And especially when it's in a dynamic of like straight relationship, man, woman, when the woman goes to the man who's the protector typically,

like he wants to take care of her. He wants to make sure she's okay. So that's gonna get triggered. He's gonna feel like he's fucking up. If he already has insecurities, he's gonna start thinking he's not good enough and he's doing something wrong. And he's flooded with so many of his own fucking emotions that he doesn't even

know how to deal with. Don't look at their reaction. I mean, you have to take it into consideration. I get it. But don't make it mean anything about you. Do not make the fact that you just confided in someone and told them you're having suicidal thoughts and them having a bad reaction. Don't make it mean you shouldn't have said anything.

Don't make it mean anything about you. I will say that a thousand fucking times, but it's not even just that. Like I said, this is just an extreme example, but this goes for anything you go to somebody about. You're gonna trigger shit in them too. They're gonna be feeling things too. And if it's someone that does not know how to regulate

the way that they feel, their reaction is gonna be feeling things too and if it's someone that does not know how to regulate the way that they feel Their reaction is gonna be bad and that's what a lot of times people call toxic, but it's like You just think he's a fucking asshole and he doesn't care. He just got up and walked out like what the fuck People would be like oh, he's a narcissist. He's a fucking asshole. He just left me but You don't know why he just got up. You don't know what he was feeling. You don't know what he was fucking dealing with and like I said If someone has shown you like the stove if someone is a hot stove and you you finally learned that if someone does not know how to control their Emotions and you know that when you deliver certain information to them you can't expect them not to burn you certain information to them, you can't expect them not to burn you. You got to kind of expect they're going to have a weird ass reaction because they showed you in the past, they

don't react right to shit because they don't have the like mental and emotional capacity to be mature about things. But the way that can get misconstrued like bro, that will make you think someone is so fucking toxic and fucked up and like, oh my god, you're such a dick. How fucking mean can you be like, I just told you I wanted to kill myself and you're just gonna fucking like, run out. It's like, I don't agree with that response. I'm just saying there's more to that response than you think. So don't immediately start attacking them. immediately start attacking them. Don't immediately everything. Like I said, go back to my tip one, take the attitude of understanding.

Why did you just get up and walk out of that fucking room? You know, don't be so intense. I'd be aggressive with everything I fucking say. But my friend was over here thinking that he was just a fucking dick and that he didn't truly care about her, which made her feel worse when that probably wasn't even the result of it. And we don't even know what the truth is, but I just gave her that perspective when she came to me about it so that she could feel a little bit better.

And she didn't take it so personal and make it mean that he didn't care. He does care because he's with her. So I had to reassure her of that, but also like I had to give her insight into his perspective a little bit because that's shit People don't think of they forget a lot of the times that people have feelings and toxic people like air quote toxic people a Lot of their behaviors are just because they don't know how to deal with their own fucking emotions It's not that they're like toxic and it's not that they're intentionally trying to hurt you or they're intentionally like Fuck you. They just are trying to run from how they feel and people's not that they're intentionally trying to hurt you or they're intentionally like, fuck you,

they just are trying to run from how they feel and people that do that don't care about what's in their way. So if your feelings could potentially be hurt by them running out, they can't even think about it because their only focus is getting out. It's like when you're in a burning fucking building, your priority is getting the fuck out of the building. It's not, oh, well, you want to sit down on the couch and talk about what you're feeling? No, like they have that level of panic, that level of like fear, and that's

their top priority is getting the fuck out and getting away from their emotions. So that's just to let you in their perspective a little more, but I'll say it a thousand fucking times till I die. Just try to understand people, try to understand them a little more. That does not discount the way that they treat you. It does not invalidate or like justify their reaction in any fucking way. That is another conversation to hold them accountable for the way that they reacted to you. Like if my friend just tried to go straight at her fucking boyfriend a couple minutes later,

I was like, you fucking piece of shit. What the fuck? Like, how are you not gonna fucking be there for me? Like if she just went and started attacking him, he's already feeling it all the ways that he is. He's gonna want to try to get away from it again, and he's gonna say even more hurtful shit to just get her to leave him the fuck alone. If someone has a negative reaction towards you, don't judge it. Just immediately think to yourself, now why would they have just reacted that way? Take yourself out of it.

Don't make it mean anything about you, but just look at it like that. Ask yourself, if potentially their reaction was not about me, what could they be dealing with that made them respond that way? And this also works to the opposite extreme. So that was something negative. It goes to positive things too. So you might be doing something that triggers someone to feel a way that they don't know how to deal with. Or it's a way that they don't know what the fuck to do with because there's people in

my past I've given a gift to and I thought that they didn't like it because of their reaction to it. But when we talked about it later, they actually just were so fucking shocked that someone cared enough to buy them something that no one had like thought of them in the way that I had before and it threw them off. They didn't know what to do and then they also had shit about their past. We're expressing positive emotion or expressing gratitude for something like led to it being taken away. So they were scared to even show they were grateful to me of what I just did

But I didn't know this when it happened I just saw that they didn't really care that I gave him a gift like I put all this effort into it And I was so excited to give it to them and they just acted like it wasn't a big deal and they acted like whatever so that hurt the fuck out of my feelings and and they acted like whatever. So that hurt the fuck out of my feelings. And this is one of the situations that taught me how to catch myself because if you're insecure and someone does this to you,

you're gonna make that reaction mean something about you. It wasn't good enough. They didn't like it. They don't care about me. XYZ, don't let someone's reaction be the reason you start attacking yourself. Don't make it mean something about you. I've been there.

I've done that and never goes anywhere fucking good. You have to pull yourself out of it and observe it from their perspective. Before you start attacking yourself, like don't fucking do that. And a big tip I have for this is if you see someone has a reaction to something that doesn't match what they should like when I gave someone a really, really fucking good gift and they have like a poor reaction to it, I in that moment can see this is a good ass fucking gift like they should be excited as fuck by it, But their reaction wasn't like consistent with that, so there's your first red flag.

If someone's reaction doesn't seem to fit, that is your cue to start looking in at them and not attacking yourself. There's something deeper going on. But you have to have the awareness and the ability to like observe and say, okay, this gift was good as fuck.

So their reaction was just off. You have to be able to validate yourself and like reassure yourself of that to even know to like to even know to think deeper into it, you know. This is getting kind of deep and I hope this is all making sense, but just remind yourself that people have their own feelings, have their own shit that they're dealing with too. Their reactions to you are not always about you. So that's a huge key into stopping the toxic cycle is understanding that. Because you're part of the toxic.

If now that you've just heard this, you keep attacking people from when they react negatively. But like I said, awareness is a fucking bitch. Because now you've got to take, you keep attacking people from when they react negatively. But like I said, awareness is a fucking bitch because now you've got to take responsibility for your part in it. Because next time your partner has a negative reaction, if you just go and attack them without understanding first, you're contributing to the toxic. You're making the cycle worse. And I'm sorry to do that to you.

But it's time to wake up, everybody. It's time to wake the mother fuck up So another big tip I have with dealing with toxic people is you have to have a strong sense of self and You need to be stern in your boundaries. These type people will make you have to be That's one thing about being in a toxic environment is it will teach you how to have a mother fucking sense of self. It will teach you how to set boundaries. So that's one thing you gain from it. Like if you're stuck in shit right now, be happy because you at least you get that because the reason your life is so chaotic is because you don't have a sense of self. So this is reflecting to you all the areas you need to have one and how to create one. And it's also showing you what you do want out of your life and how you want to be treated. So the whole thing about having strong boundaries and a sense of

self is like you need to hold people accountable. So you need to be understanding. Yes, but like I said, people need to be held accountable for the reactions to things. So if you tell someone that is emotionally immature, do not do this thing and they keep doing it, you need to follow through with a consequence. My analogy for this I've used my entire fucking life is like if you have a new puppy and it shits in your house. If you want it to stop shitting in the house, you can take actions to make them stop shitting in the house, but it's gonna escalate.

So at first, you're gonna like walk them over to it and like make them look at it and say no, and like whatever, or like you'll put them outside in the grass, and then when they do poop outside, you'll give them a treat. Like you'll try and positively reward them when they shit in the right area. You'll get them a puppy pad, so if they do shit in the house, whatever. Like you'll try and positively reward them when they shit in the right area. You'll get them a puppy pad so if they do shit in the house, whatever.

Like you'll try and get them to shit in certain areas. And then one day it's going to get to a point where you just got to smack that motherfucker. Okay, you got to put that dog's nose in the fucking shit and smack the fuck out of it. Smack it's last. So it realizes, hey, I should stop shitting in the house. Like you can do gentle things to like get a point across to somebody, but sometimes people are so fucking stupid. They're like a dog.

They need to be hit. And I'm not saying you need to hit people. I'm just using my example. But sometimes you got to escalate that shit because sometimes people just don't get it. So if the smack in the face, someone fucking needs is you leaving them, then that's the smack in the face they fucking need. If they keep shitting in your house,

what are you gonna do to make them stop? Always try the nice shit first, always. But you're gonna have to get more and more harsh and like stern and set when they continue the same unwanted behavior. But something you need to make sure that you're doing with people that keep doing shit that hurts you is let them know that it hurts you. Listen to my podcast episode expressing you're uncomfortable if you need help with that. But if someone does not know something is hurting you to the extent that it is

they're going to keep doing it. So when you do express that something's hurting you, you have to get vulnerable, you have to let them know how their actions are affecting you. If you truly want them to consider you, you have to give them something to consider. You need to make them aware that this action hurts me or impacts me in these ways. And you need to make it serious. Like you don't need to make it a laughing fucking matter if someone's hurting you. You need to be serious and let them know because they might not even realize because people do get stuck in their own perspective to fucking much. And if you don't have a reaction to something to let them know that you're upset

or hurt, they're not going to know it hurt you. If you just act okay with it, they're going to assume that you're okay with it. And then they'll keep doing it. But if you do express to someone how their actions are hurting you and you were serious about it and you were fully fucking vulnerable and they continue to do it. That right there, exposes how absolutely disconnected they are from you, but also theirself.

If they're disconnected from their emotions, they're not gonna be able to see how something hurt you. This is gonna get real fucking like spiritual and real, like too much if I go into that part, but if they keep doing shit after they know it hurts you to the extent that you've explained it, they're disconnected. And you don't need to wait around for them to consider you. So if they do, if they do the thing again that they know hurts you, take it out of their hands. You gave them the they know hurts you. Take it out of their hands. You gave them the

chance to consider you. You gave them the chance to not hurt you and they chose to still do it. Now you are free to do what the fuck you want. It is now your responsibility to consider yourself. Now you don't let yourself go through that again. Like I said in the beginning, you're going to choose to abuse yourself or you're going to choose to protect yourself, which one you're going to fucking choose. But once you give someone the fair opportunity to consider you and they don't, now it's in your control. And you snatch that power back, right? The fuck from them. And don't ever feel bad. Don't ever second guess it. And don't ever fucking feel bad. I'm about to start fucking crying. But this fucking sucks. Like this is so hard and it hurts so fucking bad.

But you need to look out for yourself. You need to take care of yourself. Because they're showing you they don't care. So why the fuck are you gonna allow them to keep hurting you? And this goes for anyone. Friend, partner, parent parent any fucking one. It's different when they don't know that they're hurting you. But once you fully tell them and it's blatant that they keep doing it and they show that they don't care.

That's it. Their behavior no longer gets to go without consequences. Start implementing consequences and be as fucking needy and as mean as you need to be because You need to protect yourself with boundaries with this person because they will overstep them They will discard them. They will discard the way that you feel if they keep doing shit that Hurts you and they know that it hurts you. They're showing they're gonna discard it They're not gonna care so you need to set up that fucking wall with them that hurts you and they know that it hurts you, they're showing they're going to discard it.

They're not going to care. So you need to set up that fucking wall with them. There is nothing wrong with building up walls with certain people. If you can't cut them out of your life, build that motherfucking wall. Stop letting them hurt you and hold them accountable to their actions. You can get to a point where you're like, I don't even give a fuck why you keep doing it. You're just not going to fucking do it.

You're going to put that wall up. You're going to put your arm out and push them the fuck away from you. You're going to protect yourself. Like I said, you need to be understanding, but you need to take yourself into consideration too. There's the equal balance. So if you give them the fair opportunity, do what the fuck you need to. I have been in the position where I have begged people, please do not push me to the point

that I consider myself because when I do, everybody's fucked. Like I hate when people do that to me. Like can you please just consider me, can you please just not hurt me because once I take it into my control You're not gonna like it. Everything is gonna be done. It's tarnished. The bridge is fucking burnt There is no undo you will never get that version of me again once I turn cold on you. It's fucking done But they never get to see that side of me again They never see the side of me that has a heart. They never see the side of me that cares. And that's something you got to watch out for is people

that care a lot like I'm someone that cares more than most people can even imagine. And when I care about someone, it's more than they've usually ever experienced, but there's duality in everything. So the people you really need to worry about and be scared of are the people that care Very intensely because it's in contrast the amount that someone can care is the equal amount of how much they can fucking hate So these people running around acting like they don't give a fuck they aren't the scary ones They're not the ones you need to worry about. They're not that like hard to deal with. It's the people like me that care so much

and then just get pushed to fucking far. But my whole point with the boundaries thing is you need to do what you say you're gonna do. You need to have those boundaries. No means fucking no. If you say don't do this and they do it, it needs to have a consequence. You need to hold those boundaries. No means fucking no. If you say don't do this and they do it, it needs to have a consequence. You need to hold up to it.

You need to like want better for yourself and expect people to treat you better because you're worth it. If you got a fucking problem with that, go listen to myself love podcasts. Go listen to my feeling valuable podcasts. Those are all things that are gonna make you feel like you're actually worth being treated good.

All right, I think I'm gonna end this podcast off there. I hope you guys learned something new. I hope this is helpful because I had a lot of you guys writing into my Instagram DMs asking for an episode on like toxicity and toxic people. I hope this makes you feel a little bit more equipped with dealing with them, but use your own ideas that came to your mind as you were listening to this to make shit fit your situation.

Think of new ways to deal with shit, understand more perspectives, like you got this, you fucking got this. But if you feel like no Leo, I don't got this. Well, I have good news because I'm currently working toward getting certified as a life coach. And I'm as a life coach. And I'm getting a life coach certification just so I can stand on that. I'm not going to call myself a life coach. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to call myself, but I'm going to make it where you can

schedule one-on-one Zoom calls with me and we can go over whatever the fuck you're dealing with. I can give you insight. I can help you see shit. I can help you with whatever you need help with. So you'll basically be able to like rent me for an hour and my brain So you can use it for whatever you want But yes, I'm gonna make myself a resource for you guys so I can work with you one-on-one that shit I'm so excited for you have no idea. So that's coming soon. It's gonna take me a couple of months

So I'm thinking like the end of May soon it's gonna take me a couple of months. So I'm thinking like the end of May beginning of June. I should be finished with my certifications. But if you have anything else you want to hear about, send me a message on Instagram. I'll link my Instagram and all my social media and shit in the description of this podcast. So send me a message or something you want to hear. Leave me a five-star rating, please, Spotify or Apple Podcasts, whoever whatever you're on. You can go ahead and throw it at up there. Throw that five-star. Don't put nothing less than five stars. Okay, let's go hurt my feelings.

If you got something to say, do it in my DMs. Come cut me out in my DMs. Don't do it on my fucking ratings. Don't hurt my heart. But that's it. Thank you all for listening. I love you so much and I will talk to you next Sunday. But that's it. Thank you all for listening. I love you so much and I will talk to you next Sunday.