Aware & Aggravated - 20. Why You Can't See Your Worth

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

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Hi friends, this episode is gonna be a fucking whirlwind. I don't have a notebook. I don't have this planned out I don't know what's about to come out of my mouth, but I just need to get on here and vent a little I need to talk to my friends. I need to talk to the people that fucking get the way my brain works because I had some real big like things to face last night with myself and big like things to face last night with myself and I have some realizations and bitch when I tell you I had my first like full-on emotional breakdown couldn't control it couldn't stop it panic like I had that for the first time since I can remember like I don't ever remember having a panic or like what is it called like it's just a fucking breakdown you just can't stop and it's just like your panic

and you're freaking the fuck out. I don't remember ever having that, but bitch last night, I had that. Just because this fucking boy Instagram messaged me. Hahaha. Okay, I had to make myself laugh so I didn't get sad. But I had to be accountable and call myself out on some shit like I always preach accountability in my podcast And I want you all to know I'd be the main one doing the shit like I do it too. It sucks for me too

so I'm gonna go into the realizations I had last night and Break some shit down, but I'm gonna be like vulnerable with you guys And I'm gonna be really honest about what I realized and kind of like the lies I've been telling myself and I like I had to face some scary fucking shit and I had to go into a lot of hopelessness and it scared the fuck out of me so I'm about to go to Cabo. So when you listen to this I'll be in Cabo but I'm filming this or recording this on Tuesday, March 22nd. So like, hi, me from the future. But yes, I have to pre-record because I'm going to Cabo with a couple of friends for like

a week. I had a whole separate episode planned. Like I had a whole fucking like thing I was going to make and like have it done and be like cute about it, you know, and just schedule it and let's go. But after last night, I feel like I had the realizations and the awareness that I had because it was meant to be shared. And I don't even give a fuck if it was meant to or not meant to. What I'm about to say is going to be able to help every single person who listens to

this podcast. And I'm not trying to be cocky. I'm just very upset and I need to feel like it's for something. But I feel like this will be a great way for us to kind of connect about her. You know, like, you know what you listen to a podcast and you just want to be like knowing the host, like I be nosy. So I'm going to get vulnerable with you guys and let you in a little bit into my life and what the fuck be going on.

But there's lessons in it. There'd be a whole fuck of PowerPoint. There's a lot of things that you're gonna realize along the way with me. So, let's do this shit I guess. So my first like earth shattering fucking realization was about dating. So if you've listened to my previous podcast, I'm someone that I just don't choose to date. I don't want to date. I don't put effort into dating.

I don't try to date. I don't try to find anyone. I don't give a fuck about getting attention from people. It's not something I care about. And I realized I've been lying to myself about that. Like, I actually do want a relationship. And I would like to be in one and I'm down for taking on the challenge of Working with myself with like what comes up and the problems that arise like I'm willing to work through that and like

Grow with myself and with someone but for so long. I've just felt like I'm never gonna meet someone that I'm interested in or that I like like no one grabs my interest No one can hold my attention for more than two seconds like it's really easy to get my attention real fucking easy Like I'll look at people. I'll give you my interest But it's very hard to keep my interest like I will lose it in 30 fucking seconds Not even I'll lose it in point two seconds. If you say or do something wrong, like I'm very picky, I'm very judgy,

I'm very like guarded, extremely fucking guarded, and I'm not picky because I think I'm better than everybody. I'm tired of fucking being hurt. So I screen people to like the end fucking degree before I let you near me or let you close to me. Like I'm gonna look for every potential thing that could fucking hurt me before I let you near me or let you close to me. Like I'm gonna look for every potential thing that could fucking hurt me before I let you near me. Like I keep people at a distance.

That's just what I fucking do. And I've told myself it's entire time. No, I don't want a relationship. I'm choosing to be single. But the truth is, I'm so fucking hopeless and I don't believe I'll ever find someone. That's why I've just decided, okay, I'm not going to date, but I've kind of blinded myself to that. So when I look at the way I'm feeling about people in general, looks are important. You got to have looks, you got to be fucking cute, all right. But I require so much more than

just being cute. Like you gotta be with it. You gotta be like mentally be able to hold conversation with me, which is a task and a chore for most. And a lot of shit goes over people's fucking head. Like I'm a very deep person. And it's very hard to find people that can get to that level. They're out there, but my preferences

and my everything that goes along with that, like it just makes my pool, my option pool, is that the fucking word? I don't know. It makes it so small. So I've just felt so hopeless, like it's not out there. And I realized the way that I've escaped feeling hopeless and feeling powerless is by telling myself,

I'm making the choice to stay single. So I've been riding that fucking wave and telling myself that I'm choosing to stay single, when in reality, I'm so fucking scared I'm not going to find anyone. And telling myself I'm choosing to stay single makes me feel more empowered and more in control than saying I'm terrified I'll never find anyone. So I did have to call myself out on that and I had to own up to that and it makes sense and I understand myself and it's worked until now because I can't deny and I'm not a person that does deny the way that I feel.

If I feel something I feel it and the feelings of like wanting someone have been coming up and I've been trying to like dodge them like a fucking dodge ball and the feelings of like wanting someone have been coming up and I've been trying to like dodge them like a fucking dodge ball and I can't like they're just coming up and I'm like fuck okay this is what we're gonna have to do now so like I'm the type when I have something I want I'm gonna go for it but I'm having to realize a lot of things in the process of going for it and it hurts like fucking hell. But that's not a good feeling to feel like, okay, my standards are so high, I'm never gonna find anyone.

Like that's where I've been at. I'm like, well, I'm not gonna lower my fucking standards. I'll be damned. I'd rather be alone. So that's kind of how I've convinced myself is like, I'mma just be a single fucking dickhead, you know? But I kind of also convinced myself like what I want is not out there and then

this fucking guy on Instagram messaged me and He is got a lot of followers like over 3 million and he's like so fucking attractive, like so perfect. I've never seen no way to look like that before. You know, like on Instagram, like everybody looked like that on Instagram. But like, my first thought was, why the fuck are you messaging me?

What the fuck do you want? I'm very defensive and that's one thing about me is I'm a petty fuck. So if people have a lot of followers or they're verified or they're famous or whatever it is and they DM me, like I have people DM me all the time that are like big and I don't accept the message because most of the time they're just trying to like sexualize me and that will make me lose interest in a split fucking second. So when people reach out to me, if they're like famous or whatever, I will never act like they're a big deal. I will never give them the satisfaction of thinking

that I'm like fangirling or that I like them or that I think there's something fucking special. I look at you like a human being and I play an ego game. I play a fat fucking ego game and I will say but they I die. There's a lot of porn stars. Gay porn stars trying to fuck that are in my DMs. There's a more people than you can imagine in my fucking DMs that haven't even had an accepted message. So the people that I have accepted their messages, some people are annoying the fuck out of me, but I can't like, unaccept it, you know?

So it's like, their message is notify me, and I don't like notifications, so like, whatever. My point is people that sexualize me, I don't give a flying fuck to entertain your conversation. People message me all the time. Hey, like guys will just message me, hey, and I don't even accept the message. What the fuck am I gonna do with a, hey, you dumb shit?

It just shows like you think you're gonna come out somebody like me, what the fuck in, hey, one, you ain't cute enough to be doing that and two I need more mental stimulation You better make me fucking giggle Okay, well in the first two seconds me reading your fucking message or I'm bored I have no interest like I'm talking about like gay guys like guys that are interested in me and trying to like flirt and shit Because I like all my pictures and then want to message me hey girl stay and fucking requested I don't fuck with that as boring doesn't catch my attention

Anyway, that's another thing that has made me so hopeless about finding someone is everybody is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, and I'm fucking sick of it. If you sexualize me, don't fucking message me. I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't give a fuck if you're the Pope. I don't give a fuck if you're the richest person in the world. Do not motherfucking sexualize me. I will not open your fucking message. I don't give a fuck if you're the richest person in the world. Do not motherfucking sexualize me.

I will not open your fucking message. I don't fuck with that. If you wanna tell me I'm cute, I'm attractive, thanks. But don't fucking try to sexualize me right off the bat. The least fucking interesting thing about me is the way I look and how big my fucking dick is. All right, I know it's nice. I'm confident in it, but that's the least fucking

interesting thing about me. My body, and ain't even that great. Like it's cool. I'm confident in it, but that's the least fucking interesting thing about me my body And it ain't even that great like it's cool good whatever, but My appearance is the like least interesting thing about me So the people that go just for that I see how fucking stupid you are your superficial and you're dumb And that's all I've been like Interacting with is these dumb ass fucking people. So that's just shot my hope down for thinking I'm going to find someone like way worse, you know. But back to this boy that messaged me. He fucking messages me and sends me one of my life coach TikToks and like where I'm

talking about validating yourself and like repairing your relationship with yourself. And he sent me a message acknowledging something that I was saying and saying that he appreciated it. That is the only reason I fucking responded to him. But my first thought was still, motherfucker, why are you messaging me? Like, look at you and look at me. Why the fuck are you messaging me? I messaged him back and then we ended up like, messaging all fucking day. And something I don't do is get giddy over people.

I don't get excited by anybody. I don't get fucking, I don't look for nobody's message. I don't give a fuck. Like I'm not impressed by anybody. I don't give two shits, but this boy had me giddy as fuck. And like the conversation we were holding was so cute and we were just like bansering back and forth but like homeboys with it.

And he did not fucking sexualize me one time. He complimented me and made sure that I knew he like he thought I was attractive. He did great on that and I did it back like I reciprocated it because I fucking like his ass. Duh but the conversation never went sexual and that's what kept both of us interested because we even talked about it. Like, I'm dealing with being sexualized on a smaller scale than he is. Like, I can't imagine how fucking hopeless he's feeling because he's got it at such a bigger scale than me, but he's also aware. Like, pretty people that are fucking asleep, whatever. You'll wake up in time, but he's also aware. Like, pretty people that are fucking asleep, whatever. You'll wake up in time, but someone that's aware, that's experiencing all this, I just can't imagine

how hopeless he is, because I'm only getting like a tiny bit compared to what the fuck he's getting. Like, that stressed me out to just think about it, but he's feeling the exact same fucking way I'm feeling. And everything about me in that moment, and like my worth and my value was reflected to me and that's what caused me to have the full fucking breakdown was I did not know what to do and I fucking panicked like he doesn't know this and I hope he never fucking listens to this goddamn

podcast but this man has changed me and given me something I will cherish forever. Like the realization I had, like even if he fucking ghosts me and we never talk again, or whatever. Like I don't give a fuck because what I've taken from it and like the gift he gave me of validating my worth was like I would give anything for it. And I will always be appreciative of it. Like I can't explain to you how good it felt, but it sent me into a fucking spiral because he was interested in what was coming out of my mouth. Like I said, I haven't been experiencing

that. So I grew up kind of weird with like school and shit. Like I was bullied really bad in school, but like even with like my family, I always felt annoying. I always felt like a nuisance. I felt like nobody cared what I had to say. I felt like I wasn't important. I was just supposed to like sit there and shut up and like beat the side and just like shut up.

You know what I mean? So it's taken me a long time to even get to where I'm at now to think that people even give a fuck to hear what I have to say, to even think that what I have to say is valuable and that people would want to listen. Like I'm, it's been a hard road with that shit and I know a lot of people deal with that. So that's why I'm opening up about it.

But I've spent most of my life feeling like people don't see what the fuck is in front of them. Like I was always able to see my value and how I could be so like useful to somebody and how I could be there for them and how they should. Like I've made it so fucking easy to love me and no one ever picked me. No one ever wanted me. No one ever looked like twice at me. And I'm talking anyone. So parents, friends, like that shit growing up was fucking like rough.

And it's not something you ever get over. Like it's something that you'll never fully get through. You know, like I can heal from it. I can like grow from it, but I don't think I'll ever be able to like kick that. Like that insecurity is always just going to be in me. But this is the first time I felt like someone has seen what the fuck is in front of their face. So he was able to appreciate my brain and the way I am immediately. Like he saw it instantly. Like, yeah, I looked the way I am Immediately like he saw it instantly like yeah, I look the way I do like I think I

This is the thing like I can't even say I think I'm attractive because Growing up I fucking wasn't I was ugly and fat and I got my ass fucking bullied I hate to even fucking say that because People don't understand the extent to where I was like to which I was bullied but I think I'm cute but I've spent my whole life surrounded by people that don't think I'm fucking cute so my entire life was a fucking gaslight for a long time it's like I felt cute but I was being reflected that I was fucking nothing and that I was ugly and useless and people were always like nitpicking shit so I've

like I'm out of comfortable place with the way I look now. Like, I'm confident in the way that I look, I like the way that I look, I think I'm cute. It still makes me cringe to fucking say that. But, I think I'm like decent. But like I said, when this guy messaged me, I said, when, what the fuck are you trying to do with me? What the fuck do you want from me? And I realized in that moment,

what I lack in appearance, I make up for in personality and knowledge. So it kind of made me realize like I'm on this dude's level in a way. So I don't look fucking near as good as he does, but I'm able to like compensate in other areas that make me worth talking to for him. Like he gives a fuck what I have to say. He sees how I'm valuable and is able to appreciate me. Like this is the first time I feel like a motherfucker is standing in front of me and can

like see what's in front of them. It's the nicest feeling, but it's the biggest mind fuck. So my whole like breakdown about realizing all of this, it's like I was already feeling hopeless and I was never gonna find anyone, you know, with my standards already set where they were. And my standards weren't even that fucking high, but after interacting with this guy and being appreciated by someone that I think highly of, I'm no longer going to be able to be impressed by the standards I had already set.

Now the standards have skyrocketed. When I realized that, like, I'm never going to be impressed by anyone ever fucking again unless you're on his level But people on his level are like once in a lifetime that are aware everybody's fucking hot Everybody has fucking money nowadays, but he's talented and he's fucking with it mentally and he's hot like he's All of it and it's like to come across that. It's like I already thought I was doomed before. But now I just experienced like what I really should fucking be trying to get and not like it was just an impending sense of fucking doom. Like I just felt like isolation, utter hopelessness, like anything I felt before was times a hundred and it was like right in front of my face and I broke the fuck down and I

could not stop. Like it's kind of a curse. It's such a curse to be attractive and be aware because someone like him, he is surrounded by pretty people from what he does. Like his modeling shit, like he's surrounded by pretty fucking people, by rich people, by like all these fucking people all the time. And he's still looking for someone like me. Like I'm about to fucking start crying again, like a bitch. We're not gonna fucking do that. Um, he's around all these hot people and successful people all the time, but he's still looking for more. He's looking for exactly what I'm looking for in like a person.

And it's just fucking insane. And it's so weird that I'm it in a way. Like I'm sure there's fucking better people, but there I go again with my fucking whatever. Shut up. I'm just still kind of bugging out. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know how to go forward from here, but I'm fucking scared. Okay, I don't say that ever. And like this boy message in me was like

the greatest gift, but the biggest fucking curse. Because now I know it's out there. And now I know the people that are gonna like see my value and appreciate me truly are on such a higher fucking level than I thought. And I'm just like, God damn, like I am so scared, like how do I get there? How do I access those people? Because if they're the ones that are able to appreciate me, how do I get to them? Like I'm, I don't know how to access this level of people. I don't know what to do. It's like, I finally see that it's out there. And I'm like, okay, I know that like, it's there. It exists. I just need to be shooting higher. I don't know where the fuck to shoot. I don't know where to go. I don't know how to even get in contact with them or like, how

do you even fucking know? Because like, at his fucking page you wouldn't realize he's with it. But only reason I realize he's with it is because we've been talking. I'm just like damn but like anybody else I give a chance to there are fucking box of rocks. They're stupid as shit. And I lose interest in two seconds. But yo like I'm just frustrated and I'm fucking sad and I'm like appreciative but I'm like devastated and I'm just like, what the fuck do I do now? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Because I was able to like entertain people a little bit and like feel like, eh, but now, I don't give a fuck about anybody. Like if you're not on his level, I'm like me? Like I don't give a shit because like if I'm able to connect with someone that I see like that, then they see something in me that I don't think I've seen yet because I'm still wondering like, what the fuck do you want me for? You know, like I get that I'm like with it mentally, but like is that enough? I

Get I am like who I am and how I am but like Have never felt like enough. I can't fathom how it's enough. I can't fathom why the fuck you would want me I'm just gonna be really honest with you guys. That's the way I'm fucking failing so I guess Like he's seeing shit that I'm not seeing But it takes some one of a certain caliber to be able to recognize it. I believe that wholeheartedly. But the other thing I realized about him is like,

the fact that he's able to appreciate me for like the shit that I say and how my brain works, and he's able to compliment me on my brain and the ideas I suggest, like, it just makes me so much more appreciative toward him and it makes me want you even more. Like the fact that you want me makes me want you and the fact that you can fully accept and like appreciate me makes me want you even more because for you to be able to appreciate me you have to be fucking deep as shit. For you to be able to appreciate me on the level that he's like talking, what the fuck?

What the fuck and it's just weird because I Relate to him on a lot of shit like we relate on a lot of things like we're so different We're in two totally different stages in life He's so much more successful and like so much more everything But I'm still able to relate to him. And that fucked with me. That was weird. So I'm starting to realize like there must be something I'm not seeing about myself that he's seeing. And now I'm kind of like opening up to like the quest of trying to see it. But I'm going to have to let go of all the insecure shit

that I've been thinking and telling myself before. All the behaviors that I've adopted and things that have like kept me safe with people that made me fucking insecure, I'm gonna have to get rid of those. But that means I'm gonna have to make changes to myself and completely change my fucking life, which is isolation, it's scary as fuck, that's like anticipation of death

for human being. Like I said in the other episode, connection is the number one priority for a human being. So yeah, when you start to see your true worth, you're gonna have to start making changes to your life and those changes are gonna scatter letting fuck out of you because now that I think someone like that can appreciate me the people that I think have been

appreciating me aren't shit. Like I'm just gonna be really fucking honest. It's like the attention I've been getting like now I'm even more unimpressed. I'm like, please, you have no fucking clue. So it's just weird because my whole life, I felt like I've had important things to say, but it was never reflected. And it's been reflected on my TikTok and my podcast, like once I started sharing, I started to reflect.

And it was like weird because like I said, growing up, I never felt worth the fuck, like I felt I could see how I was good enough inside. Like I could logically see how these traits about me or how these things or how I could see how I was good enough inside like I could logically see How these traits about me or how these things or how I could be good enough for someone But they just never picked me so I was reflected that you aren't fucking good enough So I like stopped believing these things were good about myself So now I'm having to like Re-see them and like re-acknowledge them

But I was in the same boat of like okay, I'm starting to see all these things I'm acknowledging all these things in myself and I'm starting to see how I'm like valuable and I'm starting to see the impact I'm having on people with like my words but this motherfucker Talking to me and genuinely taking an interest and getting to know me and just like wanting to have a conversation and getting to know me and just like wanting to have a conversation. That shit validated everything in a way that I can't fucking ignore. Like, it's just so obvious in front of my face now.

There is no second guess. There is no being secure anymore. Now I have to step into the version of me that's like next. Like, I have to step into this level up and it's fucking terrifying. Like it's literally fucking terrifying. It feels so good that my worth has been validated to this like extent. And it's so obvious in front of my face that I cannot even second fucking guess it. Like it's just so fucking nice. I just don't know what to do now. Because I feel like once I realize my value and I fully just accept it and take it to fucking any move I make after I realize my value, all the actions I take that actually reflect the true way I should have been feeling about myself are going to lead to isolation.

Because the life I have set up for myself right now is not one that reflects the value that I now see. And I'm fine if I have to go back to like being alone. It's just like, God damn, like I just, I see what's in front of me. I see what's going to happen when I take this step up on this fucking staircase. And I like go into the next level of myself, the next version of myself. Once I do that, everything changes because when you step up and you elevate, staircase and I like go into the next level of myself, the next version of myself. Once I do that, everything changes because when you step up and you elevate, you're going

to see things differently. You're at a different viewpoint. So you're going to see everything fucking different. I'm just fucking terrified. Like I know what needs to be done. I know this step needs to be taken. There's just a lot of fucking baggage I have to leave on this step in order to walk up to the next one and

it feels like I'm being ripped apart From the fucking inside. That's the way I can explain it like it. It's fucking weird, dude Like it's really fucking weird But I'm just having to remind myself and reassure myself This is my ego's way and, this is your human fucking way of staying alive. Because if you see disconnection and being isolated as potential death, everything in your nervous system is going to try and fucking keep you away from that. So like, I'm going to have

to go against the internal fucking wiring of my brain. And like, the way that I'm feeling is, and the internal fucking wiring of my brain. And like, the way that I'm feeling is, I understand it, but I can't not feel it. So like, I have to reassure myself as I'm like getting ready to fucking take this step that like, you're gonna be fucking scared. It's gonna be the scariest fucking shit you probably ever do to like step into this next version of yourself.

But I'm having like be there for me and it's making me like strengthen my relationship with myself too, but bro'm having to be there for me and it's making me strengthen my relationship with myself too. But, bro, this is some next level fucking shit. And I'm excited to see what's next. I'm just like stalling and I'm dragging my fucking foot to not take this step. It's like I'm standing here with a bunch of fucking bags and it's just weighing me down. And I have to let them go to walk up the next one, but I'm just holding on to the bags. Like, I just don't want to drop them because I know I'm going to have to take that step.

I'm not the type to gain awareness and stay where I'm at. I'm the type to gain awareness and move. Like, I make the next step. I take the next fucking journey. Like, I always, that's how I fucking am. I'm committed to growth, no matter where it takes me. Once I see myself as more valuable and like, my worth, I can't ignore my worth anymore. So I can't ignore my worth anymore., I can't ignore my worth anymore.

So I cannot mistreat myself. So everything about my fucking life is going to have to change. Everything. The friends I have. The amount of time I spend with certain fucking people, my family. The way I let people treat me, the way I treat other people, how I prioritize my time and who I let fucking waste it, who I let have access to me, the requirements are gonna jump through the fucking roof to the goddamn moon. Like everything's just gonna fucking shift and have to change and that's a like it's a whole uproot of my entire life. And I'm just like damn like I know what's in store.

I just need a fucking second to breathe before I like take that jump. I just want to thank you guys for coming along this journey with me of like the growth thing, because I'm going to change a lot. And the people that have been with me since like the first time I ever got on social media when I got on fucking YouTube, all my videos are deleted.

They're all gone now. But the people that have seen me from that version of me when I was 18, 19, you've seen how much I've changed. You've seen the fucking progression and the 45 different lifetimes I've lived between now and then. You've seen how committed I am to change and growth, and I don't fucking say the same. Where you leave me is never where you fucking find me. Ever. But one more

sick fucking twisted goddamn joke about this fucking dude as he lives in goddamn Germany. Like just slap me right on the fucking dick. How annoying. You know, but I did have another realization about The whole like location thing and when you want something so I don't look at him living in Germany as a big fucking deal Cuz bitch I moved that tomorrow. I love him I've talked to the motherfucker for like two days and I'm over here like I love him. I made him with Germany, but that's how I fucking am But in all seriousness I just look at the whole like the location thing and the distance is not a problem like if I want it I'll do it like I'll do what it takes. I'll move where I got to move and like do what it fucking takes to get what I want But it's not even just about the boy. I had a realization about just something that you want when you want it bad enough

when you value it enough, you will do what the fuck it takes. Because I've finally encountered something I've wanted for so fucking long and something I never thought I'd find that I'm willing to make it mother fucking work if it's going to even go that far. Like I'm just forward thinking and like thinking in the future. But yo, I'm not opposed to it. That's the thing.

Most people would look at that and be like, oh no, it's a deal breaker. Like no, it's done. I don't look at it like that. If I want something, I'll fucking get it. I'll do it, it takes to get it. But it's like with a relationship or anything else. Like I'm the same way, I'm the same level of like driven

and ambitious when I want something. Like the amount of shit that I've done in 24 years, I'm gonna do a video on all like five of my career changes by 24 and you're gonna shit at the amount of things that I've done, but that's for another podcast. Hi update it's Leo from Cabo. I am gonna fill you in on what's happened since I've recorded because I need to. It's important information and I had another fucking realization. So, me and Guy stopped talking. He said he was going to work on some fucking shit. He's doing to help build his new apartment, whatever he's doing. He's doing some next level, real rich shit. So he gave me a heads up, he's not gonna be on social media, so we're not gonna talk basically.

So I'm taking that as him politely being like, I don't wanna talk anymore, which is fine with me. Like I'd rather have something acknowledgement than just fucking ghosting, but, and it made me sad, so I went into that. When someone doesn't wanna talk to you anymore, like bitch, that should be hurt. That's shit, it doesn't matter who you are. Cause like,

I'm over here and I'm aware about a lot of things and I'm smart, but she'll still be hurting. That should be hurting my feelings. I hurt everyone's feelings. Like we're all human. We all deal with the same emotions. When someone doesn't like us back, yeah, I fucking sucks. So I kind of went into what I was so sad about. And the realization I pulled out of it was this motherfucker messaged me based off of what he saw online. So what he could see online was enough to make him interested. He has not experienced even the first of me because you can't experience me fully through

a fucking screen. Now if someone met me in person, I've never had someone meet me in person and not be interested in me, okay? So the fact that you only saw me on social media, you not wanting to talk to me anymore, I don't know if he doesn't wanna talk or not. I'm just like, whatever, he's busy doing his shit.

I take it as he doesn't wanna talk because I'm gonna give a fuck how busy you are if you wanna talk to somebody you will. But he doesn't want to talk anymore or he lost interest I'm not mad about it. I'm not upset about it because that's a misjudgment You didn't even fully get to experience me before you made your decision so You can go ahead and make that decision and I'm not gonna beat myself up for it and let it bother me Because I know that there's so much more to me than what you saw. So I'm not taking it personal. And I had to like dig into the way that I was feeling to get to that and like reassure myself of like Leo, he didn't

get to see the full you, he didn't get to experience you because there's so many aspects, she can't fucking capture it through a screen. And I talked about all that shit in the dating apps episode I did. But there's just so many elements that he didn't even get to experience, but just me on social media was enough to catch his interest. So that was really showing in that was nice. So I'm fine. Like I'm, I really am not upset about it because I have this whole new awareness and I'm

focusing on me and all of that shit. But my fucker was in Berlin, bitch. Like, what was I thinking? You know, like now I'm like, what the fuck? Like it wasn't even gonna go anywhere. I just got excited, you know? And then I got flooded with all these emotions and always fucking realizations,

but yeah, I'm not letting it affect me. I'm not letting it like make me hurt my feelings. Like, bitch, you didn't even get to experience me fully, so I'm not mad that you didn't want to keep talking You know like you get fucking bored of people online like messaging is not fucking fun. I get bored too is shit So I'm not mad at it, but I'm just letting you guys know like if you have a situation like that Happened to you and someone loses interest so they stop talking ask Ask yourself, did they even get to experience me yet before you start getting mad at yourself

and getting insecure and starting to like nitpick yourself and tear yourself apart of how you're not good enough and what you said wrong and what you could have done. Like don't stress yourself to fuck out over it. If the person didn't even get the chance to fully experience you, because their decision is a misinformed decision. They only got half of what there was to decide on, you know?

So, yeah, that was my realization on that. So, back to my regularly scheduled outro. If this podcast helped you, will you send me a DM on Instagram and like, just tell me, because I really want to know, this podcast was just for me to open up and like help you guys relate or just help you guys get to know me better and let you in, because I don't fucking let people in. But y'all my friends, we've been through this bitch for 20 episodes like you fucking get me, okay? It's time for me to let you in. But yeah, let me know what you think, and if you really like the podcast the whole bunch, you could leave it five stars. On Spotify or Apple Podcast, you could do it like a little five star. Just hit it, like just bump the button. Just hit

it. Please take care of yourselves. Be safe. Be nice to yourself. And I will talk to you next Sunday.