Aware & Aggravated - 32. When You Miss Someone

Episode Date: July 3, 2022

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Hi friends, so I'm gonna go ahead and start this episode off with an apology because I'm sorry for how this episode is about to fuck your shit up. Okay? You're not gonna be the same after it. Your whole outlook's gonna change. It's gonna hurt your feelings about 40-lumb times and I'm sorry about it. These are all the things I've learned about missing someone, something, missing memories, missing a certain time in your life. We're gonna get into all of it, but it's just about like missing something,

whether it's a person-placed thing now, idea. We're gonna get into each little area, but I gotta tell you some things about how to navigate it, and just a lot of shit that's going on that you don't realize. So I'm a unpack it off for you I am gonna be vulnerable in this episode I'm gonna give you personal examples from shit that I've gone through and I'm gonna tell you how I got through it Okay, so the first thing I want to start off talking about is when you miss a person

Whether it's a friend a sibling a partner a partner, a parent, anything you miss, like especially a goddamn X. Eh, I guess the fucking worst. Like, I'm actually gonna fucking throw up. Like, I feel like a cat with a hair ball. Like, I don't wanna fucking be dealing with that, you know? So, I've only ever been in one relationship and y'all know that. And I avoid talking about that shit

because of how it ended, it ended in court. It ended as bad as you can imagine a breakup going. Like the shit that fucking happened, you couldn't even make up for a goddamn movie. Okay? Like one, what happened in the relationship? You couldn't make up for a movie. And then how it ended bitch. Oh my fucking god. Like I don't even want to touch on it. I don't even want to touch that topic with a 10 foot pole. Like one day

Maybe when I write a book about my fucking fucked up life. I'll include it But I'm gonna I'm gonna dodge that but I am gonna talk about missing that motherfucker, okay? so This person did some of the worst shit you can imagine to me and I need to point that out and I need to like talk about that because it's very important and you're gonna Get how I'm feeling and like what I'm about to say So not too long ago I Started to have the feeling that I missed my ex and when I tell you

I Wanted to fucking rip my soul out and light it on fire like you mother fucker How dare you make me miss him, you know? But like it scared the shit out of me. It scared the absolute shit out of me that I missed this person Like how could you hurt me this bad and I miss you like I got so mad at myself And I got so frustrated with myself, I was like, what the fuck, how are you even considering this? You know, like I started attacking the shit out of myself.

Like how the fuck could you miss him? And honestly, I got scared. I was like, no, I don't wanna miss him. Like I don't wanna deal with this. Like everything that's about to come with this, like it sent me into a full blown panic. I was like, I know I don't fucking miss you Fuck you like I was like trying to convince myself. I didn't miss him and then I was trying to tell myself

I don't give a fuck if you do miss him shut up like I was just like I was literally being so mean to myself And I was being so dismissive because I was so fucking scared I did not want to miss him because I didn't know what to do with that. But after trying to fight it off for like a week, I finally sat down and was like, you know what? Face it. Okay, if you feel like you miss him, motherfucker, I want a list then. Like I literally sat myself down. I was like, make a list. Make a list. I want to see what you miss about him so bad. Write it out. And I made myself write it out. Like I full on, made myself write down every single list. I want to see what you missed about him so bad. Write it out. And I made myself write it out. Like I full on, made myself write down every single thing I felt like

I was missing about him. And by finally facing the fact that I felt like I missed my ex and like acknowledging it and trying to understand it and going into it, like I realized a lot of shit I wasn't ready for. Like I missed a lot more than I thought I did. But after looking at my list, I realized everything on this list is just like shit that I miss about having a partner and having someone to date. Like I know that's so shitty, but like it's the truth. Like I was so scared to acknowledge that I missed him because of everything that came with it

But after I made the list and I got very clear of everything that I thought I missed about him I realized I didn't miss shit about him. I missed having a person And honestly that's a role that can be filled by any human being with a goddamn pulse Like I'm sorry to say it and I'm not dismissing the whole situation Like it's that fucking small, but I have not let myself get into another relationship But this whole thing made me realize that I've been neglecting myself of that for a while and it's something that I would like to Have again like I miss having a person. I really fucking do. So that's like make a list and full on Fucking look at everything you think you miss about this person and then be like, okay

Is this something actually like special to the person or could like anybody do this, you know It's the voids that you miss being filled that used to be filled by this person like you'll see very quickly the person's not shit And even if you're like, oh my God, I was so close with them. Closeness, if you break it down, comes from spending time with someone. To feel close to someone, you have to know them. You have to spend time with them. That's something that's not just like easily replicated

if you meet someone new. So you might be like, oh no, I was close with them. That can't be replicated. It can. It just can't be replicated quickly. You can feel close with more people. You can feel close with other people. It just takes time. And that's something people don't understand about closeness and feel like connected to people. Is it comes in those tiny little moments that nobody wants to fucking do. Like all the little monotonous things you did together, all the time you spent together, the little things that you went through together,

that's what brings you close to someone. That's what makes you close with your friends. Like if you look back at all the nights that you have with your friends, it's like the little moments where you were up late talking. The little moments when you're outside of a club because it closed and you're like sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette like you two just sitting there Talked to shit and bonding like those are the nights that I remember with my best friend Jinnavy like when we would run away from the club When everybody was having a good time me and her would take off and go get fucking food like and sit on the curb and just eat it like Those are the little bonding moments and that's where you find closeness with people like It's the tiny things that create closeness.

So you might have felt close with this person that you miss, but that's something that can be replicated. It just takes time. So you might look at like, oh, I'm not going to find that closeness again. You will. It's not something you find. It's something that you build. So once you realize that, it'll help you kind of detach off that motherfucker. You feel like you miss so hard. So another dynamic of someone that you can miss as a friend and I swear to God that shit is worse Like thinking back to missing a friend like bro because like with a relationship shit

It's like you can convince yourself to move on and the friendship thing you can do the same thing But it's a little bit harder But the main point I want to get across is you can miss someone and still not go back to them. So just because you feel like you miss them so bad, or anything really, like if you miss a person place or thing or whatever it is, you can feel that you miss them. You can have it hurt that you miss them

and still not choose to go back. So one thing I do is I allow myself to remember the good experiences. I'm like, that was cute. Like I let myself think about the times that I feel like I miss, but I don't let myself say I miss this person because like with my ex, there are parts of the relationship and things that happen that I do miss and that I do appreciate. Like there's certain parts that were just cute and like great. Like that relationship was the best of the best and the worst of the worst for me.

So there are moments where I'm like, oh my god, I really like that experience or I miss this or I miss that. But I do not let myself say I miss him. Because in order to say I miss him him that means I missed the entirety of him which I fucking do not. You can miss certain parts of someone or certain things about someone but not miss others so don't say you miss a person, say you miss a memory or a feeling, say that. But these are just a couple things that I keep in mind to help myself kind of sort out how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.

And it makes it easier, you know, because the last thing that you want to do is make yourself convinced that that person is what you want. Like you left for a reason, it's over for a reason. Whether it's you outgrown a friend or you outgrown a relationship or some shit happened or there was a betrayal or whatever it was, like you don't want your brain thinking of all these happy memories to convince you to go back to them, like don't do that. It's okay to miss certain things, but do not say you miss the entirety of a person because I guarantee you fucking don't.

So allow yourself to think of it. Think of the times, think of these chapters in your book. Like these are memories in your life, These are times that you've had. Like, they've built you to who you are. Like, enjoy thinking about them. They're fun. Don't force yourself to think of the negative experiences too to cancel out the positive.

Just allow yourself to think about the good times. And we're like, okay, I'm still not gonna go back. I'm still not gonna change anything just because of how I feel. Like, if I know that I've outgrown a certain friend Thinking about times that we had I'm not gonna go choose back into that friendship because I miss you for a minute like Once I come back to my senses once I come back logical. I'm gonna remember Okay, we aren't a fucking match anymore

Like just let yourself go through the process of experiencing the good shit You know what I mean like don't try to hold yourself back from that. Like yeah, it sucks that it was that with that person, but just let yourself experience that little memory and then keep your ass moving. So the next thing I want to get into is another thing I had a fucking almost breakdown about when I was like, do I miss this place? Is the place that I moved away from? Which was Pensacola. So I moved to Houston. I live in Houston now. I've been here for like a month and a half,

but like a week ago, I started freaking out because I was like thinking about my friends that I had at Pensacola and the things I used to do in Pensacola and like, I started to miss it. And I was like, no, the fuck you don't. Like that aggravated sight of me came out again, and I was like, shut up! I was like, you don't fucking you don't. Like that aggravated sight of me came out again and I was like, shut up. I was like, you don't fucking miss it.

You were fucking miserable. You wanna just kill yourself, shut up. Like I was so mad at myself that I thought that I missed this fucking place. So I learned from the last time with my ex, look at what you think you miss before you say, I missed this thing. So I didn't have to make a list this time.

Like I just sat down and started thinking about Pensacola. So I've always emotionally felt alone but in Pensacola with all the little friends that I had I didn't feel physically alone because I knew I could call them at any moment and I could go be around people like as soon as I want to call them and I have a couple people in Houston I can call but like they're always fucking busy or I'm always fucking busy, it just doesn't line up. But in Pensacola, I had people that I could like, go to if I wanted to be around them, you know? I don't have that here.

So it's not Pensacola I miss, it's not those specific friends I miss, it's the fact that I don't feel like I have people at my disposal for when I wanna see them. That's the feeling I miss. And I'm about to unpack a lot more shit because with going out, like with going out in Pensacola, it didn't matter if I didn't have someone

to go out with for the night, as I knew so many people around the town and around all the bars and clubs and shit that I could go out alone and still run into people and have a good fucking night. I felt a sense of comfortability and familiarity with everything around. I was familiar with all the places. I was familiar with the people.

Nothing was new. Nothing was unknown. It was all a sense of security because I knew what to expect. I knew where everything was. I wasn't having to use my fucking GPS for everything like I do here. There was a sense of like familiarity and connectedness, like not even connectedness, I don't know the fucking word, it was like, comfortability, like I knew I was comfortable,

there was not really ever an unknown of what's gonna happen. So that's a feeling I kind of miss, cause like going out here, I don't fucking know nobody like I'm confused And I'm just like I don't know what the bars look like. I don't know the layout I don't know where everything is like if I'm drunk downtown I don't know how to navigate it like I know how to navigate it in Pensacola I don't know how to navigate here and these are all normal things that I'm feeling because I moved to a whole new fucking place duh

But the whole reason I'm bringing all that up is because the other night I was sitting there and I was like, I miss going out in Pensacola. And as soon as I thought that sentence, I was like, no, the fuck you don't. Like I used to fucking hate that place. Like it was a weird, I loved it but I hated it. But my memory was just like making me remember all the best times.

I was like, oh my god, I miss all the people, I miss the bars. I was just like, being a little fucking whiny, little sensitive bitch, you know what I mean? But as soon as I thought that, I was like, it doesn't make sense because I know I didn't like it when I was there. But my memory is like gaslighting me. Like if I think back to how I felt, like I never fucking lights going out there. The bars were shit, the people were mad, fucking weird. Once I realized it's the sense of familiarity

and the comfortability and the knowing people and the knowing where I'm at, that made sense. So I was like, okay, that's what I miss. And familiarity with the location of Pensacolo is something I also miss, because here, I don't fucking know where shit is, like I'm slowly learning it, like I know my route to the gym, I know my route to the Tainey Thiline, I know my route to the mall, like, but I don't fucking know shit else, like I don't know really directions, like I don't fucking pick up on shit and like I don't know, and it kinda like makes me miss knowing where I was going You know like that's a that's something I didn't think I would miss by moving, but that's one thing like I'll gladly take

Moving here over what the fuck I gave up like trust me. I'm so happy with my decision But that's another point I want to get into is By feeling all these things and thinking that I miss all these things if I miss label this shit And I tell myself, no, I actually miss Pensacola, it's gonna make me think I made the wrong decision and want to go back. And that's the opposite of what I'm doing. Like, I'm too aware to do some shit like that.

But my point is, like, if you miss label something, it'll make you second-guess yourself. So don't mislabel it. Like, understand the way you're feeling first. Because when I say I missed the familiarity Like I had spots in Pensacola where I would go to cry Like I would go climb the scoreboard at the baseball stadium and go up there and have a cigarette and I would talk to myself and I would cry I was like my smoke spot

I could go up there and like council myself and I would have like a little meeting with me I would check in with me because like I was real high up in the air No one could hear me. No one fucking knew I was up there. It was overlooking the water. It was real fucking pretty. Like it was just my little spot. I could run away too.

And I loved it. Like I always love having little spots like that. I also had a doc. Like my friend had a doc and I could like go out on the doc and sit on the water at night and just like, be by myself and just have a new place to go. Like I love little hideouts, I love little spots like that. And I had this one church that I used to always go break into.

I mean, visit. And I would just go there when I got emotional or whatever. Like I had these spots I would go to when I wasn't feeling like all that good. And I just wanted to kind of go explore or be by myself or just I don't know like I just had little comfort spots that I went to that weren't home and I miss not having that because I'm in Houston now I don't fucking know where to go I don't know where these little spots are it's like I have to go find them but like I don't know

where the fuck to find them like it took me so long to find the spots in Pensacole, like you just have to come across them, you know? But a couple places in Houston I've tried to go, like I've tried to go to a parking garage, and like I want to go get on the roof, like of a parking garage, like the top at night, and just smoke a fucking cigarette and look out over the edge and look at all the city lights, and look at all this shit, but I can't fucking find one. Like none of them are open to the public and it's so fucking frustrating because like last night all I wanted to do was go fucking cry. Like I just wanted to go and look at all the lights of the city and just cry and be fucking dramatic. And I kept driving up the fucking parking garages and at the top level it would kept being locked off.

And I also had to pay to get into the fucking parking garages which is pissing me off. Like God forbid I want to go cry in peace it's gonna cost me 10 bucks and I can't go the roof top. Like fuck but last night was another moment where I'm just like I miss the fucking spots I used to go to. Like I miss my comfort spots because I don't have those here and it doesn't mean I'm not gonna find them, but I just don't have any readily accessible to me while I'm upset, you know. And also I miss Publix, like grocery store. Like, oh my god.

Like, H.E.B. is cool, Kroger is cool, but like, nothing beats fucking Publix, bro. Like, Publix shits on everybody, I'm so great. There's just something about it. Like, I hate that it's green, but there's just something about a public that like they have everything you fucking need. Everything is nice, it's good, it's pretty,

it's like the target of grocery stores. Croger is like ugliest fuck, okay? Why am I talking about grocery stores? Oh my god, they'll get back to the fuck point. Also, another thing I miss is like having good restaurants I know where they're at that I can go to when I'm kinda like down. So one thing I like to do when I'm down is go eat.

Like bitch I love to just go I don't eat out a lot but like when I'm sad I'm like fuck it. I'm going to fucking eat and I'll like go take myself a dinner and I own no place here and also like here you can't just show up looking bum as fuck anywhere. Used to I would like go to a nice restaurant and I would show up like in a wife's meter and look like shit and I would just tip like 50% on my bill so that like, I'm just like here, like just leave me be. Like let me sit here and be ugly

and I'll ruin the vibe of the atmosphere but like I'm just gonna tip you good, okay? So, and I would go somewhere in order like the most expensive shit on the menu so they would just leave me alone. But, I don't know the place is here to like do that. Like every place in Houston, you gotta dress up bitch, there's no like slum it.

Like you gotta fucking like dress cute all the time and I like that but like I don't know the places to go to that I wanna have like comfort food, you know? Like in Pensacola, like George Bistro was my motherfucking comfort place. Like I could go there and some goddamn house shoes, like a slipper and they would fucking let me in because I knew everybody there, everybody was cool.

But they had the best fucking food and like it was, it's like a little pricey for Pensacola but like I didn't give a fuck. Like when I'm sad, I don't give a shit about anything. Like I just wanna eat. But that was my comfort spot and I don't have one of those here. So like I was missing a little bit of comfort. You know what I mean? Like comfort spots to go shit to do. But yeah, I just

started to miss a lot of shit. Like I thought I was missing a lot of shit was the thing. It's like I thought I was missing a lot of things about Pensacola. And as soon as I was like, did I make the right decision moving? I was like, absolutely not. We ain't even considering that. Like I went into what I was actually feeling and I came to the realization of like, I was missing the familiarity, the comfortability, the sense of knowing where I'm going, the sense of knowing people.

There's everything that I felt while I was there. Like it was the feeling states that I missed, not the location or the people. So as soon as I realized it was the feeling states, then I was actually missing, I felt so much better. I felt so much more relieved because I'm like, now I just have to look for how I can create those feeling states here.

You know, like that's all I have to do now. Like it's real simple now. But moving on into my last point, the last section I kinda wanna talk about is missing a certain time in your life or missing a certain memory. So I can look back on a lot of times in my life where I'm like, oh my god, I missed that. Like while I was going through it, I was like, ew, this is the worst fucking thing ever.

But now looking back, I'm like, oh my god, like I would kill for that. Like when I was going through a lot of shit emotionally and like all the shit with my ex and he was like fucking my life up, I was going out on the weekends and getting like blackout fucked up drunk, rolling on Molly every other fucking weekend. I just wanted to escape my reality.

Like all week I would work and I would get my fucking shit done. And then on the weekends, I would just let myself completely like leave my reality. I didn't want to be in my head. I didn't want to think thoughts. I didn't want to do shit. Like I just wanted to fucking escape it. You know what I mean? So I gave myself that. I started thinking back of like oh my god I missed that and logically I'm like Leo you do not miss where you were when you were doing that. Like you were trying to escape so hard because you hated how you felt so you don't actually miss That time in your life. So what feelings do you miss? What I realized that shocked the fuck out of me with what I actually missed about that was

It wasn't what I was feeling It was what I was not feeling that I missed. Because back in that time, I didn't feel the pressure that I feel now. Because now I have shit to lose. Now I have so much more going for me that I have to behave in a more constructed way. And I have to be a lot more strategic. Like, I'm known'm known now like people recognize me. I'm seen I'm recognized and I'm not recognized for like some little bullshit like I'm not a fucking influencer Like I'm a full-on coach like I get people through their hardest times mentally So there's a certain level of like respect that has to be upheld with that like sure

I show certain sides of my personality and I'm goofy and I'm whatever, but you'll never catch me out somewhere, like fucked up out of my mind. I'll never do drugs in public, like showing that I'm like fucked up. Like I'll never do that now. Like I don't give myself that freedom anymore because I hold myself to a higher standard.

And really it's like the person I am now, like I don't wanna to do that anymore really but Looking back I missed not having this pressure, you know like I have such an important job and So much is reliant on that and it's so Much responsibility and it's not even just my coaching business I have it's my TikTok my app like I have so much to uphold now. I have so much to work on. I have so much to do. And also, I didn't care about my job I had before.

Like I didn't have a job that I truly was emotionally invested and like I'm so invested in my coaching. I love it so much. I try so hard to do my best at it. And like it's such a big priority in my life that I will not let anything interfere with it. Like I will not let anything fuck with it Like I will not let anything fuck with it like I will not get fucked up If I know I have a call the next day like I'm not gonna let anything impact my mood

That will fuck with my ability to Coach someone because the people that reach out to me and the people that are trying to work with me Are people that fucking need me and I'm not gonna let them down. And that comes with a lot of pressure. Like I chose that pressure, I like this pressure, but I kind of forgot what it was like to not have that. And thinking back to that time in my life where I didn't have that pressure, it's not that I missed that time at all.

It's just, I missed that little bit of relief. And it's like, I was a lot more carefree. I had a lot less to take into consideration Like I've grown up basically like I've grown up and I have a lot That I'm working on and I have a lot that I care about and I have a lot that I want to do and That's just a lot of responsibility and it's a lot of pressure So it's signaled to me like I need to have more times in my life where I don't feel like I'm under so much pressure so that I don't have to sit here and like miss all these times where I was like fucked up on the weekends not caring about shit.

You know so I just kind of use like those feelings of like I miss something like I say about feelings that are a messenger. You feel the way that you do it for a reason. So try to figure out why. Like the feeling of missing those days and those times in my life, like I look at it, like it's a message of, I need to have a break from the amount of pressure that I put on myself. I need to find a way to help me like let loose and have fun, you know?

But then I also think about, in Pensacola, I had a couple of friends that were very well established. Let's just put it that way. They were like highly known. And I used to get to party with them. We used to have fun. We would let loose and it was all in the privacy of our own home or we would go on a trip together. We would all just have fun. Like, I don't have that group of people to go hang out with anymore. And it's like, now I need that the most. Like, I need a house where group of people to go hang out with anymore. And it's like, now I need that the most. Like, I need a house where we can all just hang out and relax and not have to worry about our image.

We don't have to worry about fucking anything up. We can all just go and have fun and let loose in the house, you know? Like, I had that and now I don't have that. I'm just kinda like fuck, because this is the time I need the most. But that's just another thing that I have been missing. I guess I'm just kind of venting this episode. So yeah, I'm done rambling about that shit. But the whole thing with missing someone or missing something or missing a certain time

in your life, I just want you to kind of do what I did. Like how I explain the missed episode, just look at why you think you missed this thing. What feelings are you missing? Okay? What pressures do you miss not being under like just take a genuine curiosity? If you feel like you miss someone before you freak out because that's one thing I learned from freaking the fuck out Is like you got to face it like don't get mad at yourself for thinking you missed someone no matter how fucking bad they did you It might not be them you miss and I promise you it's not. Like if you just question and try to understand what you missed so much, it's never them.

I just hope I can prevent you from going through what I did which was that period of like ah fuck like panic like no you don't miss them like I don't want you to go through that. So I'm gonna leave it off there. But if you made it this far in the episode, will you leave me a five star rating, please? And thank you so much. Also, if you wanna follow me on Instagram, I've got everything linked in the description of this podcast,

my TikToks, my Instagram, my everything. If you wanna work one on one with me, and do coaching calls, I will also leave the application to become a client in the description, so fill that out, send it to me. And I just want to say, I'm so fucking proud of every single one of you that listen to this. For going on the journey of self-awareness because it's a painful one, it's a fucking bitch and it never ends.

It's the ultimate growth. Like, it's the ultimate challenge and you never stop. So I'm just proud of all of you for still listening to this because I know how fucking hard it is but we're in this shit together. I've got you but I just want you to know that I'm fucking proud of you and I will talk to you next Sunday.