Aware & Aggravated - 57. When Trauma Revisits You (My Story)

Episode Date: January 1, 2023

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Hi friends, we're starting this episode off with a shot and y'all know I hate whiskey for the fucking life of me But I saw this thing about when you're sick that like the old-time remedy is like to take a shot of whiskey So I bought some whiskey. I took a shot last night. I don't know if it helped or not. I felt good But we're gonna do a shot, okay? Because I'm sick like a fucking child over here. I'm all like snottie and gross So let's start this episode off with a shot. And then we're gonna get into talking about trauma that still fucks with you. And I talked to my mom about this before. So I have an example with my life

and what happened to me recently. I'm gonna tell you my kind of story about how I kinda got, I don't like the word triggered, but I got triggered from what happened in Berlin. Like I thought getting jumped in Berlin didn't really fuck with me, but I had a situation happen similar that kicked my body into fight or flight mode and I was ready to fuck and go again

with a group of like five dudes. I'm gonna tell you how I got through all that, how I handled it, whatever. And then I'm gonna tell you a situation that happened with my mom recently. I literally had a full call conversation with her before this because I wanted to make sure once she was okay with me talking about it and two,

I wanted her to teach me how she got herself through it so I could give you two perspectives about how to deal with anxiety attacks your body getting triggered your mind getting triggered like panic attacks anxiety attacks all that so let's take this fucking shot okay oh my god I hate this shit It wasn't the worst thing in the world. It wasn't good. It wasn't tequila. Okay, you better fucking heal me and save me. Now get out of camera.

We're not doing a free fucking promo. I don't know what whiskey to buy. I just bought that because it looks cute. Like with the drip on it. I just thought it was cute. You know? So let's start off with what happened to me. So I made a video about when I got jumped in Berlin.

It's a couple of podcasts episodes ago. If you haven't watched it, go watch it. If you're not watching this episode on YouTube, why bitch? I have this podcast on Spotify and Apple podcasts also. So you can have audio versions or you can have like visual versions. But I invested a lot of money into this fucking equipment so watch the video version. But basically what happened in Berlin was me and my friend got jumped by like five guys and I

didn't think it bothered me. I truly didn't. Like I've been through shit like that before. I've been through worse than that. Like physical attacks and fights and shit. Like I grew up fighting I grew up with a lot of shit. Group getting bullied really bad. But I truly didn't think what happened in Berlin with getting jumped. Fucked with me that bad, but it was a traumatic situation and I just thought I was like above it all, you know, so I didn't realize how bad it fucked with me until I was in Pensacola visiting my family and I went out. So I just came back from Florida. That's where I'm sick, I'm fucking dying. I went and visited my family for the holidays, but when I was there

I went out downtown where I used to go out in Pensacola and the situation that happened was I saw a lot of old people I used to see I saw a lot of my old friends all the people I used to party with and this girl came up to me and hugged me she was so excited she ran up and hugged me and we like Chatted for a second and then her fucking straighty tough stuff ass boyfriend Came over to me and tried to do that shit where I like trying a big dick you like come up and shake her in and what's your name? Like he's a fucking hick so he does that straight boy intimidated shit I play that game very well my straight boy act to goes on very fast And I will intimidate you right the fuck back. I don't back down no matter how big strong scary tough

I don't give a fuck that you play with horses for a living you hit shit. Oh my god cool it But this dude comes over being like mad aggressive so I match it like bitch You're not gonna play with me like that So I kind of like shut the situation down. I was like all right Let me just get the fuck away from this before it becomes a problem because he didn't know I was gay. You cannot tell that I'm fucking a faggot by looking at me, you can't fucking tell.

So especially when I'm out, like I put on my tough exterior of like, let's not have no fucking problems, but the more you get to know me, the more I'll like, siss it up with you, you know? But when I'm first meeting people, I don't play that. And especially seeing Hicks and people who, what I mean by Hick is like a redneck,

like a country motherfucker. Like they're very close-minded, they don't typically like gay people. So I try to like prevent that from even being a topic of discussion. Like I'm very chameleon with my sexuality. I'll let you know if I wanna let you know or I hide it and keep it to my fucking self.

He didn't know I was a gay. So he tries to move with that shit. I got fucking annoyed so I was like, all right, I'm going outside to have a cigarette and I was with my best friend, Genevieve. So me and her go outside to have a cigarette. We're setting out there, mining our fucking business. And all of a sudden, the girl that saw me

came running outside to me. Like after a few minutes and like came to talk to me and was like, oh my God, hey, I'm so sorry. He acted like that. He doesn't know that you're gay. And he was like just doing the typical like protective shit And I was like no, I get it. I fully respect it. I just don't fucking like him now It is what it is you made about first impression. I don't give a fuck what the situation was

I understand being protective, but you were an aggressive little shit about it There's a way to do it calmly that I execute and he just didn't do it right and it pissed me the fuck off So like I get it. It is what it is the situation happened whatever then he comes outside After her apparently she yelled at him and cost his fucking ass out and taught him to behave and told him to like be nice Because Leo's gay. He's not a fucking threat. You dumb shit But this dude is like almost my height. So they love to get pissy when I'm fucking taller than them And I'm cuter than them and their bitch wants to hug on me But anyway, he comes walking out to me and he comes at me with some shit again

He comes at me with a fucking attitude and when he comes walking out the door toward me He comes at me and he's like, hey, I want to talk to you and I said oh what the fuck do you want now? I'm standing there with my cigarette. I'm like what the fuck do you want now? And I just look at him and he comes up and he tries to be Mr. fucking nice guy. Oh, I just wanted to apologize and say, I'm sorry, like, she told me you were gay. I don't want to say names.

She was like, she told me you were gay. And I just wanted to come apologize. Like, I made myself look a dick. He like owned up to the situation and was fine. But he was playing like this passive aggressive shit behind it. Like, he was trying to be cool, but also being passive aggressive, so he was trying to be tough stuff and intimidate me. You passive aggressive shit behind it. Like, he was trying to be cool, but also being passive aggressive,

was trying to be tough stuff and intimidate me. You're not gonna do it, fucker. And then he went to hug me. And I was like, uh-uh, I'll shake your hand, but I'm gonna hug you. And he apparently didn't like that. So he just like played it off. And then he's like, the conversation died down, whatever.

And then he said some shit. And was like, and don't try me like that again boy And I said try you like what and his girlfriend like the girl that I knew was like aw shit Here we go because the bitch knows how I am like try you with what bitch try you with what don't call me fucking boy And don't come at me with no fucking attitude like that I don't know who the fuck you think you are and I don't care who the fuck you are. Like he plays that little passive shit and then I would match it just stronger and then he'd slip back and he was like,

oh no, like reject him my hug. Like I just want to hug you. I want you to know that we're friends now. And I was like, okay fine. And at this point, I'm just like frustrated. I'm annoyed with this motherfucker. I just want him to get away from me. Like just go.

I don't care that you made yourself look a dick. I have no interest in hearing you out. Get the fuck away from me. Like you're ruined in my night, you're ruined in my time. This is the first bar we went to. The first bar, the start of the night is a fucking problem. Can I just have a cigarette and peace? You know, if you can just leave me the mother fuck alone. So I'm standing there talking to Genevieve and then someone that recognized me from TikTok comes up to me. This guy, he was like really sweet. He was a country guy too and he was basically that come up to up to me this guy, he was like really sweet. He was a country guy too,

and he was basically that come up to talk to me about what I've posted online about being gay has like opened his perspective, and he had an uncle that was gay, and it's helped him understand him more and the whole family shunned him, and I've like helped him, whatever. It was super sweet, it was super nice.

Love talking to him, but he's standing here to my right. Genevieve is to my left, and where we're at is like a circular seating thing. So like if you're at the front, there's like it's like a U shape and I'm kind of like at this back corner. Genevieve's right here and the guy that I know is right here and then the girl that I know is kind of like near him talking to a fucking boyfriend and there's like a giant seating thing in the middle. So there is no quick exit out of this and I don't fucking like that. I'm very paranoid. I'm very scared. Everything. So I'm already a little like, alright whatever, but I do have

gender beve. I have this guy that recognizes me. We're all friends, we're all fine. And then homeboy had his brother come outside and introduce himself to me. He walks straight up to me and tries to do that fucking shit that straight man do with it. Try and shake your hand too strong. I'll break your fucking hand and shove it up your ass. Do not do that to me. Because I'm gonna shake your hand too strong. I'll break your fucking hand and shove it up your ass. Do not do that to me because I'm gonna shake your ship back worse and you're gonna look like a fucking rattle little dog. I don't like that. Oh my god. It really pisses me the fuck off. But homeboy's brother comes out and he does that shit and I just fucking look at him in his face. And then his friend comes out and introduces me. And now all these people are standing around me. And my body

remembered what happened in Berlin. And I fucking freaked out. Like internally, I started having like really bad anxiety. I started kicking in like all my like fear, all my paranoia, assessing the situation. I'm trapped in this corner Ginnydives next to me it's a girl and there's these fucking men around and I didn't see like the guy that followed me and like Recognized me as someone on my side. I didn't fucking know so I just saw a bunch of men around me and I was in a corner And we already had that like underlying like aggressive shit going on so My body freaked out my body remembered what happened to me in Berlin with like a bunch of men around and all of a sudden

There's a giant fight and you get kicked in the fucking face So I kick in the fight or flight mode and I'm literally standing there trying to smoke this fucking cigarette Like I pulled out another one because this interaction lasted too long So I'm like trying to like smoke my cigarette and I realized how bad I'm shaking So I just held my hands down and I was just standing there and like I already saw the situation for what it was My body went into full fighter flight mode my mind was still logical, but Quickly after my body started freaking out my mind started freaking out And it sent me into a fucking like panic attack kind of but I wasn't like a panic attack where it cripples you

It was like a panic attack of like, let's get this shit over with. I literally was thinking in my head, can someone just do something so we can fight already? Just standing there anticipating it was fucking with me so bad. I was about to just swing on my own to just start this fucking shit show and get it over with. I just didn't wanna deal with it.

I didn't like the anticipation. I saw the situation for what it was. My mind convinced me we're getting jumped again. So I was like, let's just do it then. Let's get it over with. Let me just fucking swing. Let's just get this party started bitch because standing there and anticipating it

and having my body ready and just being so anxious. I was like, I just want it to be over. Let's just fight. But I look over at Genevieve and she's like talking to somebody else in the corner. And I looked at her and I was like, I wanna get the fuck outta here. And she saw it in my face and she was like,

okay, do you wanna go inside? And I was like, yes. So she grabs me and we walked inside. And I kinda like cooled off for a second. And I just had to like walk myself through everything and I had to calm myself down, but I didn't wanna like give away that I was like, as triggered, I hate to say that.

But like my body was so triggered and I was trying not to give away how like, antsy and like anxious I was to everyone else around me. I didn't wanna ruin their night. But Genevieve saw me like shaking and saw me like, ready and she was like, all Let's get the fuck out of here So we went inside found my sister and I just like chilled for a second I went off to the corner by myself with my people and we fucking just stood there for a second

And then my other friends that I recognized walked in and I was like okay, but I want to run you through What I was telling myself in my mind to calm myself down because a lot of you guys ask me how I deal with anxiety attacks or like panic attacks or shit, or like you have a traumatic event happen and it fucks with you again, I was basically telling myself like, I assessed the situation for what it was. I was aware my body was reacting.

The reason I didn't just swing is because I asked myself, is there an actual threat right now? Is anyone acting aggressive? Is anyone doing anything that you think is gonna lead to a fight and attack anything? Are you okay in this moment? And I said, yes, is there a threat? No, that I'm like aware of.

I don't feel like there's an actual threat. But I was trying to like talk myself through my emotions and I was like, okay, once I saw there was no threat, I talked to Jim even, I was like, I wanna get the fuck outta here. Because it doesn't matter if there's no threat or not. If you're triggered like that, you're not thinking rationally.

It would have taken one crooked look from one of them, and I would have just went to town. You can't let yourself just stay in a situation where you're fucked up like that. You need to get away from it, you need to get out of it. So like, yes, there was no threat But did I want to get the fuck away? Yes, so I told you to leave and we got the fuck out of there And I went inside but when I was trying to calm myself down

I was just like okay Leo what happened in Berlin? Fucked with you more than you thought but We're not in Berlin. You're not getting attacked. You're okay You're safe. You're with your people around you. Just take a minute, breathe, go have a cigarette out the other door, which I did. I went outside and just fucking chill for a second, which didn't be, and I was like just cooling it. And I just had to like bring my emotions back, and I had to like breathe, I had to focus on breathing,

because you want to bring your heart rate down when you're having an anxiety attack, or when you're in fighter or flight mode touch your neck That's calms your central nervous system if you touch your mouth with something like a cigarette or like you can Just bite your nails or whatever it is. It's a pacifying behavior a little calm your nervous system touch your neck Hug someone like I literally grabbed into the leaves hand because skin-to-skin contact with another human being Combs your nervous system and releases endorphins So these are a couple of the things that I was doing to calm myself down, but I had to reassure myself there was no threat. If I wanted to get the fuck out of there because I was uncomfortable, that's fine. I don't care about ruining everybody's night. I don't give a fuck what y'all want to do.

If y'all want to do it, stay here. I'm going to go somewhere else. Like you need to prioritize yourself and take care of yourself when you are in that emotional state because it's not a fun one to be in. It's very hard. So don't worry about considering other people when you're not okay, consider yourself, but don't be that friend that's so fucking obnoxious and annoying that every time you do something, you have a fucking panic deck. Get it together, bitch. Hold your shit in and like hold it together, okay? Like you don't want to be that friend. That's just always got a mother-fucking problem. You know, like I'm never that friend, that's just always got a motherfucking problem. You know, like I'm never that friend,

I can handle fucking anything. But when I'm having like an issue like that, like Genevieve saw it and like was like, all right, let's get the fuck out of here. But the thing I want to explain with leaning on someone you're with is people know what it's like to be upset. Every single human being has been upset,

they've wanted comfort and haven't had it. So if you give someone the chance to be comfort for you, single human being has been upset, they've wanted comfort and haven't had it. So if you give someone the chance to be comfort for you, they will appreciate it and they will love it. Don't feel bad about voicing something to your friends about something that fucks with you and bothers you. Like if Gena-Dee started having a panic attack, I would want to be there for her. I would want to take control of a situation and get her out of wherever we're at.

I would like to take that pressure on because I know how it feels to need it. Basically, people want to be there for you and I promise they do. Just open up about what you're experiencing. Use your words as best as you can if you can't speak really because I know that anxiety attacks are very, very harsh and you can't get words out sometimes. So if you can talk or communicate to a friend, do it. But another thing I suggest with going out or like being around people, if you have someone you're close to, warn them and let them know and be like, Hey, if this happens, let's set up some kind of code word or a situation like something I can do to like touch your elbow. Or if I do this certain movement or I say this certain thing, it means getting

me the fuck out of wherever we're at. So that you guys have something set up when you go into a situation because the next night, we went out again, and when we were on the way out, I told all my friends, I told my sister, I told everybody I was like, look, if I say, I'm gonna go have a cigarette, that means I'm gonna go have a cigarette, I'm fine,

I just wanna go fuck a smoke. If I say I'm gonna go take 10, that means I'm going to go have a cigarette. I'm fine. I just want to go fuck a smoke. If I say I'm going to go take 10, that means I'm overstimulated and something's wrong. So I'm going to go outside. And so they know how to differentiate when I'm walking away because something's wrong where I'm walking away, go have a cigarette. You know, you need to set that up with your people. You need to do it. And you need to bring people in on it because forcing yourself to just sit there and deal with the anxiety attack by yourself makes it 10 times harder. Trying to be dealing with what you're feeling, trying to calm yourself down and then also

be aware and consider it of like how you're looking on the outside and who you're impacting. It's too much to take into consideration when you're not in the logical mindset. So do things that take that pressure off of yourself and those are just a couple of things that I like to do. And all of my friends know, whenever one of us is freaking or bugging the fuck out, you tell me I've got you. I'm getting us out of wherever we are.

I will take the lead and get us out. And I had a big realization around this when I was at a festival a few months ago, and I was tripping on trunes. I just love to look around when I'm on trunes. Like I just love to look around because like'm on truums. Like I just love to look around because like realizations just hit me in the fucking head. So this girl was standing up

and like she was too far away from me to get to her. But it's like basically when you're waiting on a set to happen, everybody sits down where you are. So it's like a giant sea of people and this one girl was standing up like looking around and I could tell she was like panicking and she was trying to look around and couldn't find places to step to get out of the giant field of people. She was just trying to like get out of it but I had the realization when

you are panicked, when you are upset, when you are anxious, if I would have just walked up to her or I would have just walked up to her or somebody would have walked up to her, grabbed her hand and said, I got you and started walking, even if I didn't know where I was going. If I just grabbed her hand, that relieves her of so much stress and pressure because for you to be freaking out emotionally like that and then still be trying to find a way out to go like, get by yourself for a second to cool yourself off. If you just can hand that pressure off to someone else, it doesn't matter if I don't

know where I'm going. Just the fact that you're holding my hand and I feel like someone is there to help me will relieve so much of your anxiety. Trust me because as soon as Genevieve grabbed my hand and got me the fuck out of there, I could have gotten out of there on my own but just having her there meant so much and it helped so much. So that was kind of the realization with my shrooms thing about an anxiety attack, but with this girl, even if the girl was like walking her pace out of the people and someone grabbed her hand and like they were still walking the same pace, it doesn't matter how quick

you get out of it. it just matters if you feel like you have support and someone with you to do it. So it doesn't matter if you're going to say in pace, it doesn't matter if you're helpful or not, but just having someone there with you and getting to let go of some of that pressure of trying to figure out how to get out of where you are will help so fucking much. Trust me, just imagine it, just literally fucking imagine it. you're having an anxiety attack you're freaking out I see it you tell me you want to get the fuck out of there I grab your hand before in the middle of a club and I get you out of the club

Just having me guide you just allows you to cool down and like it gives you release you have so much So if you can set that up with someone your friends with are close to or someone you're with do it Even if you meet a fucking stranger at a party, if they seem in tune, if they seem with it, if you meet someone like me, good luck reading it. I don't fucking know how to tell. Like I don't know how to tell, like you could just feel people's energy, but if someone came up to me

at a pregame and was like, hey, I just wanna let you know, like I don't wanna be the weird one of the group, but I get really bad anxiety attacks. So like if I have something happen, do you mind if I come to you? And I would say abs of fucking looting, like I would set up a code word, I would set up a like a thing that we could do for her to communicate it like verbally and then like a touch signal. I've like get me to fuck out of here and then I would do it because I know what it's like to need that. So don't be scared

to talk to a stranger, talk to your friends, talk to anyone. Everyone knows what it's like to need comfort. Everyone knows what it's like to have anxiety. So, they're gonna wanna be there for you. Just trust me. Give people the chance to be that comfort for you. And you'll be shocked. You'll genuinely be shocked. Oh, one thing else I wanna talk about is my thumb.

I know it looks fucked up and dirty and gross. I'm sick over here, so I was trying to make a salad earlier and I'm like cutting up my lettuce and I slice my fucking thumb. Oopsie. But I'm just trying to eat healthy, take care of myself, because I'm fucking dying over here. I'm sick. So I'm trying to like fucking eat good and I slice my thumb open. But I'm not putting no band-aid. I'm just anilated bleat. Do you literally, I don't want to cut it off. Like just do your fucking thing and leave me alone. Why am I like this when I get injured? But anyway, let's move into what happened with my mom

because I just gave you a situation where I had people to lean on and the situation with my mom, she had no one. She had no one to go to, she had no one to help or she had no one to turn to. So I'm gonna tell you how she got herself through the fucking panic attack of everything that happened, but I have to give you a little bit of a background story of what caused it.

So, a couple episodes back, I talked about my stepdad Josh, and that's who my mom was with at the time. He used to like torture us, and physically abuse us in the weirdest fucking ways. But one of the main things that he would fucking do is he would attack us without us knowing to prepare us. Like he was very protective of us, but he would attack us to teach us. So something he did to my mom one night.

This is just one of the many fucking things. He did it to both of us. Like he got the weirdest enjoyment out of seeing people in fear and knowing he caused it. So with my mom one night, she was at Walmart and she walks out with her groceries and her shit, she goes to her car and she's like putting shit in her car. He came up from behind her, put her in a headlock

and choked her out cold. She didn't know who it was. He just attacked her and knocked her out and she said that she woke up sitting in her car with all the groceries in the trunk. She didn't know what the fuck happened. She just knew like someone grabbed her. Come to find out it was him. But he always told her, bitch, be ready. Have your fucking gun in your purse. Have your fucking gun in your hoodie. You need to walk out of a store with your hood up. You need to be

aware of your surroundings. Shoot through your purse. Shoot through your hoodie. Literally do not ever have your guard down And then he would test us after he would prepare us And this is something that he did to her one night and nothing scared this man like this man was literally Invincible and he didn't care that he had my mom like carrying a gun and told her to shoot like he wasn't scared of a gun I'd seen him get guns pulled on him and he would laugh and still Attack the person and beat them with their own gun like he he wasn't scared of anything So he literally was like attacking her even though he knew she had a gun on him and if she did shoot him he'd have been proud

But the same way he taught her how to be there and like protect herself with the gun He taught me how to do it with a knife because I wasn't of age yet to be carrying a gun. So he prepared me of how to knife fight and like protect myself. So he always made sure I had my shit on me. And, oh, so the night happened where he choked my mom out in the parking lot and then put her in the car and left.

So that's one situation. But another situation he used to do to her a lot is my mom is claustrophobic. So he would like lay her on the bed and get on top of her. And he was like six foot five and like 240 pounds, like he was bigger than me. I'm six foot seven, but like I'm like 230 now. But like back then he was always bigger than me.

We're like around the same size now, but he would get on top of her, hold her down until she would start freaking out hyperventilating and crying. Like he would send her into a full panic and got enjoyment from it. Like he just liked to take your fear and put it against you.

He got enjoyment out of seeing that. So he like would hold her down and not let her move until she would freak the fuck out and cry and hyperventilate and would like full on, go into a panic attack like thought she was gonna die and there's been a lot of situations where he did like shit with me where like he would prepare me while I was sleeping so like he would attack me while I was sleeping so that I was always ready and he would like have a knife to my throat while I'm asleep and wake me up and like expect me to protect myself but like he taught me how to be on guard even when I'm asleep.

So I don't sleep now. Like my friend Randy the other day like, I fell asleep at his house and I was on the couch cause we were like drunk from going out. And I'm over here knocked out on the couch but Randy like comes up to me with a blanket and tries to put it on me and I woke up out of my sleep like kicking and like ready to like fight

cause that's what I was trained to do that's what I was taught to do like I don't sleep out of other people's houses I never fucking do but that's like night I just needed to I was too drunk you know what I mean but even my drunk ass like I was and that was ingrained in me to be aware and be ready even when you're sleeping and it took a long time it took me getting my fucking ass be a lot it took a lot of scary ass shit with a knife sitting over my fucking face when I wake up or like a knife to my throat or just getting beaten the fucking head to wake up it's not about me it's not about that I'm

just trying to paint a picture of what this man would do and how he would fuck with you so he's been dead for around four years now and I need to tell you that because it's important one of the four years now and I need to tell you that because it's important. One of the things that my mom wanted me to make sure I said was it's been years but when a panic attack happens it's like he's standing right in front of me because a lot of the things that trigger her and the same thing with me a lot of things that trigger her, she knows it's been four years, she knows he's dead, but when it's happening

and when that fucking shit hits you, it's literally like he's standing right there doing it all over again because of the way that you feel. So, one thing I need to give you like background on before I get into my mom's panic attack, I know I've given you a lot of background, but just hang the fuck on. So my mom never wears clothes under her scrubs.

She never has, she's like always been like weird about you, like what the fuck that's weird. So scrubs are like loose fitting, and I'm almost claustrophobic. So she always wears the scrubs, and it's like loose fitting, it's comfortable, it's whatever, and then she works. But the day she had a panic attack, it was so fucking cold outside, she literally walked into work and was like fuck this shit, and she left her long sleeve shirt on, and she left her pants on under her scrubs. So she puts her scrubs on on top of her clothes for the first time and she went into work. And she said when she was

working she literally started having a fucking panic attack because her clothes were tight, she couldn't move and it started triggering her from the past of like the claustrophobic shit and the shit that Josh would do to her. So she had a full blown panic attack at work. And the way she describes it, when she said her heart was racing, she was like full of fear, panic, anxiety, her chest was tight, and she felt like she drank battery acid. Like that's how bad her anxiety attacks get when she like gets triggered and has to relive shit.

But she was really like freaked out, and my mom is very tough. She's a very tough woman and She's able to handle a lot emotionally and physically so when she gets overcome by some shit It's a lot like she knows how to manage it like there's certain times We'll she'll be able to manage it and be fine There's certain times where she has to fucking take a Xanax But this is one of the days where she had to take a Xanax So I asked her like how did she fucking like deal with it? So she said that she realized what was happening.

Her heart was racing, she got into fight or flight mode, she was having a fucking panic attack. So she went to the locker room, took a fucking Xanax. They're prescription, shut the fuck up, alright? When you live with shit like this, you gotta have something here and there. I used to be prescribed them too, because of what happened with my X

and then what happened with Josh and all that, like dealing with all that. I used to be prescribed Xanax for like happened with my ex and what happened with Josh and all that like dealing with all that I used to be prescribed Xanax for like when I had panic attacks and anxiety attacks too But I don't take them no more. I'm like over it. I just like to freak out So she went in the locker room at work She took a Xanax and she took her clothes off out from under her scrubs She put her scrubs back on she got rid of the thing that was making her feel claustrophobic Which was the clothes underneath her scrubs. She put her scrubs back on. She got rid of the thing that was making her feel claustrophobic, which was the clothes underneath her scrubs. So she got that off, but that doesn't do anything.

When you're already having a fucking panic attack, like once it's triggered, there's no stopping it. A big thing she does and a big thing that I do is we like to get the fuck away from people. So she went outside and sat down on a curb outside and just was trying to calm herself down. She said that she needs quiet, when she's having a panic attack, she needs quiet, she needs no distraction, and nothing else to take into consideration. Like I said before,

trying to take other people into consideration, other things into consideration, you need to get rid of that shit. Like when you're having an episode like that, you just have to limit it all, so she went outside, and the thing that she said that she had to do first was like, look at her surroundings right now. And she had to start giving herself a talk.

Like she has to talk to herself and talk herself through it. But she said that she looked at the clouds, she would look at the birds as they would fly by because she says, your brain, you cannot stop it. You cannot stop negative thoughts, but you can switch what you're thinking it you cannot stop negative thoughts But you can switch what you're thinking and you can switch where your attention is if your attention is on the memories You're going to relive them and she says the more that you entertain the memories of The situation that happened like the more she would think about him attacking her the more anxious she would get and the worse It would feel so you can't stop negative thoughts is like now, if I tell you to think of a fucking coke,

what did you think of, bitch, a coke? You can't not think of things, just cause you tell your brain don't think of it. You're gonna think of it. So she understands that. And she said her advice is make yourself have something else to think about or focus on and direct your thoughts in a different way.

You can't stop your thoughts, but you can direct them. And if you wanna try and come at me and say, try You can't stop your thoughts, but you can direct them. And if you want to try and come at me and say, try and meditate to stop your thoughts, shut the fuck up. I'm so glad you've been through nothing in your life bad enough where you can just solve things with meditation. It don't fucking work when you're having a panic attack. Okay.

So she did start focusing on her breathing and then she started talking to herself. Like she's the same as me. Like you have to talk to yourself. You have to get your breathing in check because your heart is fucking racing. Like you have to get your breath in check. Focus on that and then she had us heart talking to herself and reassuring herself. Focusing on the birds, focusing on the clouds. What you think you're experiencing is not real. What you're feeling is real, but the situation is not happening. You're not being

attacked. You're safe. You're okay. Josh is dead and there is no real threat. Like these are the things that she's having to talk to herself and tell herself. Like look around your environment, see with your eyes that what is happening is not the attack that you remember. You're in a different environment, it's a different situation. You're being triggered from the past but it's not happening again. And that's what she had to be assured herself of. But a big thing my mom said is, you're going to have to train your brain. And this is something that she's had to do. And I've had to do, you have to train your brain how to shift your thoughts when this is happening. Like you have to learn how to observe what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and then train

your brain to pick different thoughts. Like if you start thinking of memories of like her getting choked out by Josh or her getting like smothered by him, she had to start thinking of other memories with him because it's too hard to not think of the person. If it was a person that did something to you, she started thinking of good memories with him and seeing him in a different light and trying to do that. And then she likes to start thinking of things that make her feel joy, like memories, thoughts,

that make her feel better, make her feel good. But the whole thing is, is like, while you're doing this, you're paying attention to your surroundings, you're aware what you're feeling is not the situation that happened. It's not happening again, you're safe now. You're safe this time. It's like when me thinking back to Berlin

and I'm over here, like, ready to fucking get jumped, I was not in that same situation. I was like, me, you're not this time. It's like when me thinking back to Berlin and I'm over here like ready to fucking get jumped, I was not in that same situation. I was like, me, you're not in Berlin. You're in Pensacola. You're fine. These people are not like attacking you. It's nothing like that. Like they're just standing there. You have to reassure yourself and remind yourself there is no threat

and you are safe in this moment. My mom did it by looking at the clouds, watching the little fucking birds fly. It sounds stupid, but it's what fucking works. It's what helps. Pay attention to the way that the weather feels on your skin. What's the wind like? What's the temperature? Feel your ass on the pavement. Feel your ass in your chair. Like feel your feet on the ground. Literally touch yourself. Touch your hand. Like I said, touch your neck. Do something to like pacify yourself and like bring yourself back to the moment

right now. Like, okay, you are okay okay and you have to like calm your body down and give your brain time to realize and fathom the fact that you're not reliving it. It's not happening again. It just feels like it is. And don't expect this shit to be quick. Like you just have to let your mind catch up as you calm your body down. But this is the way that we've both found to go about it. So after my mom calmed herself down, she said that she went back inside, back into work,

and she went into an operating room with no one else in it. Because she didn't want to go be around people yet. She went in and just started getting busy. She started doing busy work and tasks that didn't require other people. Because when you're coming down off of like an emotional high like that You don't need to be in an operating room making life altering decisions and being under all that pressure She needed to warm herself back up to that so she went into a room and started like organizing shit doing busy work and Giving herself a distraction and a task to do to divert her focus

But also nothing that was too like straining on like pressure. So she was just trying to distract herself, get herself back adjusted to being back at work, she's good, she's fine, and then she felt okay to go get back and be around people, go back to work and go back in the operating rooms and do her shit. And one other thing that my mom says that she does when she's having really bad anxiety attacks, I know it sounds like a weird-ass plug, but it's kind of why I created it. My app, positive focus. She says if she just opens the app and scrolls through the quotes, like if you can't get a grip on what your brain is thinking, like if you can't force yourself to focus and think in a different direction, you need to be prompted,

go into my app and scroll through the different questions, scroll through the different quotes. It's gonna flip your perspective and it's not something that you're gonna intentionally have to do. All you have to do is open the app and reading the questions will do it for you because it is a lot of effort to try and guide your focus when you're panicking or when you're going through it. If you're not really good at handling it, it's a really good distraction for those moments. It will help you shift your perspective and give you a distraction, like I said. So my mom actually uses the fuck out of my app.

She loves it. Whenever a notification comes through of a quote, like she'll be like, oh my God, like if she likes it, she'll scream shout out to me and send it to me and I'm like, my mom, I know I made the app. But she's so cute about it, but she really does say that my app,

like just having it there to scroll through, helps a fucking ton. But if you do wanna download that, I truly think it will help you. It's available for iPhone and Android. The links will be in the description. Check it out. But you do have to be gentle with yourself. You have to guide yourself back through this. And like I said, my mom has been at points where she couldn't handle it. And she's had to teach herself how to. So these are the biggest tips that she had that she wanted me to share. And I wanted handle it. And she's had to teach herself how to. So these are the biggest tips that she had,

that she wanted me to share, and I wanted to share. And then I gave you some of the tips that I had. But one other thing that my mom said, when we were on the phone, as she said, it's crazy because you would literally walk by us on the street and have no clue what the fuck we deal with. Like you would look at me and never know what I deal with and what I go through.

You would never look at her and think that. But everybody deals with it in some way shape or form. And it is worse for some people and it isn't as bad for some, but every single person you see has their own shit, has their own feelings, has their own chaos and their own stress moments. Every single one of us have them. So do not judge a book by its cover. And like I said before, people are going to be a lot more

understanding than you even realize. Don't force yourself to sit with that shit alone. Allow someone to help you. Allow someone to be there for you. Even if they're a shit comfort person, just be like, just hold my hand. Rub my back back Literally just stand there with me when I'm freaking the fuck out because a lot of people don't know how to comfort They don't know how to fucking do it like or they're gonna fuck it up and be weird and make things worse But allowing people to be a space of support Trust me more people will want to do it for you Then you realize all of my friends if I turn to any of them at any moment and said a if I bug the fuck out We got to go they're totally gonna get it.

They're gonna be fine with it because they've all dealt with similar things. And I haven't talked to most of them about things that they've been through or anxiety attacks or panic attacks or whatever it is. But I just know and I fully believe they'd all be there for me because I'm aware of human psychology.

Like you allow people to be of use to you and they like it. Like if someone let me be the comfort for them when they were freaking out, oh my God. Like it's gonna make other people feel good. So allow them that. Give them that gift to be support to you and be your comfort. I don't know if that shot helped me feel better or not. I'm just high.

Like if I sweatin' out the fever or what? But that's where I'm gonna leave this episode off. We talked about a whole bunch. Leave me a comment if you thought this was helpful and if you liked this video leave it at them that. And if you're listening to the audio version leave me a 5 star rating bitch. Don't skimp me on the 5 stars, they're important. And also if you do download my app positive focus leave that a 5 star of YouTube because

those help so much more than you fucking know. But all of my links to all of my things and everything you can keep up with me, everything you need for me will be in the description. So check all that out. If you're new here on YouTube, hit the subscribe button. But thank you for watching and I will talk to you guys next Sunday.