Aware & Aggravated - 96. When Being Too Aware Makes You Numb & Life Feels Empty

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

In this episode Leo talks about the numbness that comes with hitting a certain level of awareness. He talks about the heartbreak of success, and experiences feeling empty. Leo also shares how he deals with disappointment and how he lets go and learned to simply experience life.   Podcast about expectations (Ep 92):  https://youtu.be/nG_zIRrPzGk?si=a3G0g6nUDRMf7P_N   ✅ FOLLOW ME HERE: https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi https://www.snapchat.com/add/leoskepi   😁 WWLD Submissions: https://forms.gle/sNtQjjwvXUisfdgh9   👕 MERCH https://shopleoskepi.com/collections/   📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311 Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1    🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY  https://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref=sharehttps://m.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/?ref%3Dshare&exp=7ffb&mibextid=I6gGtw    📝 ACCOUNTABILITY TEMPLATES/WORKSHEETS  https://leoskepitemplates.com   Business Inquiries: [e-mail]

The timing of me making this episode is funny because I just got home from Paris like the trip of a lifetime with YSL beauty. They flew me out and I'm over here to talk about nothing ever being enough. Ha! Hi friends! So this week like I said, we're talking about nothing ever being enough. And I'm going to talk about this from the aspect of like when you are so self-aware and you're aware of things at a deeper level than most people, you hit this point of becoming very numb because everything in life becomes very see-through. It's transparent. Like you can see everything unfolding, you see why people behave certain ways, you see why they're doing what they're doing, even though they don't see it. Like you can predict

a lot of things with people, but then also experiences, you realize a lot of experiences are very empty. And this really hits you when you achieve something. So you understand by achieving certain things, they're all empty. Like they're actually isn't what you thought in it. It's very numb and kind of like, this is it. And this is something I really wanted to talk about because this is something that bothered me for so long. I'm gonna tell you how I flipped it and kind of got rid of that numb feeling and start really more excited by life again

because when you are really aware, you feel like you kind of are like cursed in a way. I always say awareness is a curse, but it's the truth. Like it's just this cross to bear once you have it. And it's like, you'll feel very isolated. Like you're in a glass box. You can see out and no one can see in. It's like, you see the complexity of everything. You see why things are the way that they are. You can like play with tape forward and understand things that a little people can't. And it isolates you. It makes you feel so alone with the perspectives

you can hold. It's like you're climbing a mountain and everybody can only get up to like the second, like point and you can get up to like the fifth, sixth, tenth and you're up there like, like what now? Cause like you're by yourself and you can access this but it's like you just feel very isolated

and this is where I feel like, you just feel very isolated. And this is where I feel like a lot of people snap. And this is where you like, we'll turn to coping mechanisms because the awareness is no longer going to save you because with self awareness and awareness and understanding of situations that you're going through, they're typically painful when you start digging for awareness, when you start trying to understand things and understand yourself and things you've experienced, it's typically to get out of the pain you're in or to try and understand the pain you're in so it will go away. Put in simpler terms, understanding things to the level that we

understand them was our coping mechanism to get out of pain. And it was your mode of gaining awareness, like understanding every aspect and perspective of a situation happening was your ticket to gaining awareness. And it's like once you've done that for so long, it's like what's the point, you know? But there is so much more awareness to be found. It's just not in the way that you're used to doing it.

So like when you're understanding everything to get out of your pain, if you apply this tactic to gaining awareness to happy moments and achievements, it's going to destroy them. It's going to make them unhappy. It's going to make you feel unfulfilled. It's going to make you feel like you kind of lose your will to live because you're just very numb. Everything feels predictable. Everything feels like bullshit.

You see through everything and it's like, girl, what's the point? And like I said, is this it? Like that's the point I hit a while ago with every achievement I would have. I would be like, is this it? And it's like the more I would achieve, the more heartbreak I would experience with every achievement.

Like I would just be so like, y'all joking, right? Because like this is it. This is how it feels to have this experience. But that right there is the issue of why you don't feel happy when you're achieving things and experiencing certain things in life. You're going into it with the wrong perspective. You go into it and you feel a certain emotion because of the perspective you're holding about the situation and you feel negative about it.

So you go in trying to understand the negative feelings of this positive thing that just happened, instead of going into the positive feelings of what you're now accessing. So when you hit this higher level of consciousness, everything you experience, you got two roads, you can go down, you can go into understanding it and trying to gain perspective, like how you used to with your pain and trying to like get a better understanding of it. And like, why does it feel numb? Why does it feel like this? Or you can go into the perspective of experiencing what's just happened and feeling all the emotions

that are in it, like all the positive things. Like you might understand something is empty, but it can still be exciting for a minute. It doesn't have to be deeper than that. You're allowed to just be happy and experienced life. That's the most spiritual thing you can do is get grounded in the physical and get grounded in the experiences you're having. Everybody's always talking about meditate and spirituality

and you're everyone's trying to like transcend the physical. The most spiritual thing you can do is get in the motherfucking physical because why is your spirit here? Why is your soul here? Why did it choose to come into this experience as a human? To experience being human. So all these dickheads running around trying to like escape the physical girl Yo, so I was annoyed with you So like I was saying the awareness that you've gained from the pain you've been through took Intention and you had to seek out this awareness and understanding but

That's no longer the case once you've done it. Like when you're moving forward, for you to gain more awareness, you don't have to try anymore. You're already aware enough where this becomes passive. So you were intentionally trying to gain awareness from your pain. But the awareness you need now comes passively from experiencing all the things you want to experience. And this is the only way to get certain knowledge.

Like you can't just look at a situation and assume that you know everything about it and assume that you understand it. You don't get to stand outside of something and claim that you have the perspective of a being in it and having the understanding of what it's like to be in that. You don't get to stand outside and claim that you have the perspective of a being in it and having the understanding of what it's like to be in that. You don't get to stand outside and claim that. You ain't got it, bitch, you ain't got it, aware. The step now is to go experience everything that you can because when you go experience these new things,

the perspective you hold inside of that is completely different. And the awareness you're gonna gain is not intentional anymore, it's not active. You're not having to dissect and look at things and like dig all these things up for you to gain new awareness and like dig up all these perspectives. They just come as you experience things.

Like I said, you're standing outside the experience and when you're intentionally trying to gain awareness of it, it's annoying, it's draining, it's not fun. It sucks the good out of the experience and when you're intentionally trying to gain awareness of it, it's annoying, it's draining, it's not fun. It sucks the good out of the experience versus if you just say, fuck it and walk into the experience and go have it, you're going to be in a new standpoint and a new perspective inside that that's passive. You don't have to try to access that.

That's what I'm saying. It's like this big burden of once you're at this certain awareness level, it's like, what now? That's what now. You have this understanding. And now you need to go experience life. Go experience getting all the things you fucking want. Everything's gonna come passive.

It's like the weirdest thing it will rob you. Like what saved you when you were in pain will rob you of your happy times like this whole perspective of like forcing awareness Do that when you're in pain babe, but just go about life just go live life and let shit unfold Don't assume you know it all and just go have fun This is what I wish someone would have told me because like this is not Common and I don't think this video is gonna like blow up or anything because I'm talking to people who are like on our level

But my whole point with that was like everything you experience can be heartbreaking or it can be a chance for happiness It's just about how you're gonna go into it like are you gonna just go into it or you're gonna sit back and Dissect it and tell yourself it's useless and like tell yourself you already know what's in it. Oh, I already know it's empty. So I'm not gonna go try and achieve this thing. That's not the point of life. That's where you fall into a pit of depression, it's convincing yourself everything is futile and nothing is worth the shit. You don't know because you haven't achieved it yet. Yes, you might have experienced a lot of things and achieved a lot of things, but this is what helped me a long time ago

Stop feeling so heartbroken with everything and feeling like being aware was such a cross-tabare. Why did that rhyme? But truly this is what helped me was like stop analyzing so much shit and just go into the experience to go see What you're gonna experience like just go into it the awareness you need like you're gonna experience. Like just go into it. The awareness you need, like I said, the new awareness, the next step for you is inside all the experiences. Stop trying to dig that shit out. It's just gonna passively happen. You're aware enough, you don't have to fight for it anymore. Things are just gonna trickle into your brain.

That's what this level is like. And I'm not saying you're never gonna have to reflect again. Like you're gonna have to reflect. Anytime there's a painful situation, absolutely reflect and like be in it. But also check yourself. And I got a couple of examples. I'm going to give you around this. So it makes more sense. But when you achieve something, you are now experiencing life from a new point of perspective. You now hold a different perspective of life. You could say it's a whole new life in a way. And this don't even have to be achievements.

This could just be having something or losing something that you didn't want anymore, or losing something you did want. Like, there's a new point of perspective you're holding. It's like when I hit 300,000 followers on TikTok. Now a few years ago, I remember I was so excited because I finally felt like 300,000 was like a big number. I was like, oh my God, like I have a shit ton of followers now. Now I have like 3.9 million, almost at 4 million. But when I hit my first like big milestone, I thought like 100K was cute, but like 300K I was like, what makes?

But I literally remember like watching my phone, I refreshed it and it said 300K. And the sense of doom and like heartbreak, I felt when I saw that and nothing in my life changed, fucked me up. Like that was hard to face and deal with. And that's where I'm saying things will start to feel empty. Like the more you achieve the more things that happen that you didn't think could happen,

they're happening to all of us. But the more that happens, the more you're going to try and like tell yourself, well I remember how 300K felt, so I know how 3 million will feel. No you don't. But the biggest thing with me hitting 300,000 followers, like I wish I could just go back and tell myself, don't judge the experience. Don't look at this like, oh my God, this is it.

Like this is how this feels because I genuinely felt like heartbroken. Like I cried my fucking eyes out and I was like back to the point of like, if I don't wake up, I ain't mad about it. Like what the fuck is going on? I'm joking, but I'm dead serious like y'all know the heartbreak I'm talking about. I'm like when you thought something would be a certain way And it's not and it's like facing that reality of like well

But that's what I was saying if I can go back and tell myself I'd say stop judging the experience Stop wishing it were different like stop having expectations really with like what things are gonna be like and feel like just go into the god damn thing and experience it. And when I hit 300,000 followers, I wish I could have went back and just went into it for what it was. Like now every time I hit a milestone with any of my social media or I make a certain amount of money. I sit in the experience and I enjoy it because I'm not like it was supposed to feel like this. It was supposed to be like that. It's actually the empty wha and like dealing with the whole heartbreak. Girl, get real. I now go into experiences for what they are and I get excited because I'm achieving certain things. So my point of perspective that I'm in is a new perspective. So I always look at it like, okay, now that I have this thing or I'm doing this thing,

what is this life like now? Because I now hold this perspective. I know what it's like to achieve this thing or go this place or do something. Like you now have that new point of perspective to hold. Now go explore that life. Don't take all the shit from everything before and all the lower levels of like everything you've done before accessing this and try and throw that on top of it. Just go into it like it's a whole new life and experience. Okay, what is life like from the perspective of this mountain top? Because you just went up to a different one.

So now what's this life like? Looking around, what's this one like? That's my new perspective on life and that's where I'm saying the new awareness just like sinks in, it just like drops into your head when you take on that perspective, instead of getting hung up in the bullshit in the bad and like the disappointment and the heartbreak of it. Understand you got like I said two roads to go down you can go into the sad or you can

go into the good. Pick one. And going into the sad one wrecked me for a long time and I have to like consciously choose to like okay new perspective new mount and top. Now let's look at the view. What's different? What can I see now? What can I look back down and see that I didn't see before from my old perspective?

It's an exciting thing. And that's where I get my excitement from now. It's like, to hit a certain amount of followers is not really that exciting. To hit a certain amount of money, that's excitement. It's, yeah, but like not long. Like it's like, okay, cute. I've like, accessed a lot of things, but I get excited from the new perspective I have on the world and the new things I can perceive

and what I'm now aware of and like the new knowledge I can access and the new experience is I can access because I'm now at this new point of perspective. That is where my excitement comes from because just the achievement is not exciting, but when you position it in your head like that, and let your awareness work for you, and like I said, just let it flow in because you're experiencing life. Fun is how.

Like, that's where my happiness has come from, and I've realized this multiple times, and it's like something you're going to have to do repeatedly. Like when I was just in Paris, this is kind of what triggered this episode to come out, is I was in Paris and I kind of fell into that negative headspace of like, for what? Like this is gonna sound so shitty. But like I just had like the most exciting thing happen. Why a cell beauty, the brand, flew me to Paris on a business class flight, paid for my hotel,

put me up, I was with a whole bunch of other influencers that were cool as hell. Like I was going to these crazy restaurants, going to these crazy events, doing all these things in Paris. And that little like, what is, I don't even know, like no negative Nelly, like creeped up in the back of my head and was like, for what? Like, what is all this for?

Like this whole fashion world, this whole, everything I've now gotten my foot into. It's like, when you're watching it from the outside, it's like, oh my God, it's like insane. And then when you experience like the back end of it and you get to see it all, my brain kind of resorted back to like trying to rob me of my happiness of like, but what is it for?

Like what's for what? Like you see, look how empty it is, look how empty. Like you see why everybody's doing what they're doing. It's like my brain was like fucking with me and it made me like a little like weary the first night. Like I noticed I was like, oh, like I was disappointed a little because I was like, it's just like everything else. Like it's a little empty. And when I noticed that, I was like, Leo were done with that. So I flipped into experiencing this fashion world because I am in it. And

sometimes there really there isn't like a greater reason or purpose or like, because I kept thinking like, is this it? And I'm not saying is this it with like the experience because everything was like the top of the top. Like I couldn't have asked for a better trip. Like everything was so exquisite, bougie is hell. Like everything was like to the nine. So when I'm saying is this it, I wasn't talking about anything to do with the trip.

It was like the feeling states of like, is this it? Is this what this is like? And then it's the whole like, what is all this for? And I literally had to like yell at myself in my head. And I was like, Leo, you've learned this already. Not everything has to have a greater purpose or a for what or a reason why it's

just the experience. Go experience it. Like to sit here and just walk into this fashion world and be like, is this it? You're sitting on the outside judging it. You haven't gone through with it yet. This was the first night. I'm like, Assal, you ain't even at the dinner yet. I was in the Uber on the way there and my brain like just started doing this and I had to check myself and I was like Leo, there isn't anything The whole point of this is to experience it because like I said you can go down both roads of like This is so empty. These people are so out of touch like all these rich-ass people are prioritizing their life and like there's people that are starving like your brain will kind of go through all of those, like, means of fucking with you in a way.

Like it will rob you of the experience if you don't get your brain in check. So I was just like, you know what? This is it. Like this is what it is. It's too experience, it's too get grounded in the experience, all the awareness, all the feeling states. I'm assuming aren't there because I'm just on the way and I'm like, okay, like my brain was thinking it knew everything, like you didn't know what the fuck you were doing, brain, like you have to go experience it and as soon as I let go and just went into it and was like there doesn't have to be a for what, there doesn't have to be a bigger reason

behind this, it's just have to be a for what? There doesn't have to be a bigger reason behind this. It's just simply to experience this life. This is an aspect of life, the fashion world that I've always been obsessed with and always wanted to experience. And as soon as I let go and just win into it, that is where I found all of the feeling states of why people do this and why it's so exciting and where the happiness actually is. Like you just have to let go and go into it. And like I said, this is something you have to remind yourself of and keep a hold of. Like isn't it just something that you flip one time?

Like you get the choice. Like I said, going into every experience of being like a little negative Nelly or going into the experience simply for the experience. Stop wishing it was different, stop assuming it's different, and go into it like a blind baby, like at the new mountain top. This I'm just I've just walked on to this new mountain. What is life like now? And when I went into the experience like that, I had so much fun. Like I literally had the best time. I got you to just the experience like that, I had so much fun. Like I literally had the best time. I got you to just be in the moment. I wasn't in my head. I wasn't sad. I wasn't like over analyzing anything. And I realized so much about life, the fashion

world, PR brands, like models modeling. Like there's so many things I learned because I just fucking let go. And it's like that is where the awareness is and that's where your numbness will stop. Like your numbness is like it stops at the gate of the new experience. If you just drop there having to be something bigger and judging it and assuming and like trying to use all your tactics you used before. Like I said, walk into it brand new fresh. The point is to experience this. And as soon as you do that, all the new awareness, all this new shit's just going to fly at you.

And it's all things you can only get and knowledge you can only access by wholeheartedly grounding yourself and walking into the experience and experiencing it for what it is not judging it not wishing it was different not saying this is weird like just do the damn thing walk into the experience have it like that's the point of this life is weird because it makes no sense but so much sense like people are always like there's no point point. Like what's the point? Babe, to have the damn experience is the point. Like you don't have to get anything out of it. Like you will get so much out of it is what I'm saying. But like the intentional trying to

get something out of things is not how it's going to happen. Once you've hit this new level of awareness. The point now is to just go live life and experience things and make the best of shit and go into it and just go into it with an attitude of curiosity. You don't know everything and your awareness is constantly expanding. Your consciousness is constantly rising and leveling up. This is like the new level. Like that numbness I'm talking about, when people hit that wall, this is your next step. It's to just drop everything

that got you to the level you're at to get to your next one. Those mindsets helped you. Now they're gonna hold you back and numb you the fuck out. Now it's to hop that, hurdle that, and get into the experience of life. I know it ain't fine to hear, but it's the damn truth. Like it's to hop that, hurdle that, and get into the experience of life. I know it ain't fine to hear, but it's the damn truth. Like it's the thing that I've found, and it was like the natural progression of things for me. But with this, I do want to talk about actually experiencing disappointment with things that you achieve or things that have happened and how to kind of deal with that. So I'm going to use my example with the 300,000 followers because I felt genuine actual disappointment.

I was heartbroken, I cried. And this is where you kind of got to check yourself. And the three questions I asked myself when I'm noticing that I actually am disappointed by something is what feeling state did I think lived in what I've been trying to achieve or what I've just experienced. What did I think actually lived in that?

That doesn't. Like getting clear on what it is you thought was there that you're not able to access, that you thought you'd only be able to access with this certain thing, like a certain amount of money, or a certain partner, or a certain level and like prestige,

or a certain job. Like what did you think was actually in that Subconsciously, I just did an episode it's episode 92 about Subconscious expectations and how to check yourself on that so if you want like more details on that I'll link in the description on YouTube and also Apple podcasts and Spotify has the audio version if you want to listen and not watch But all the links will be in the description for that episode. So with asking yourself What did I think lived here in this experience or in this thing that actually didn't? You got to ask yourself next.

Was that realistic to think that was in there? Like you really got to be real with yourself. Like when I hit 300,000 followers, I saw like social media and fame and like success online as life changing for so many people like I saw people make a shit ton of money. I saw people leveling their life up. Everybody seems so happy and it's like opportunities just start happening. So then all these brands are working with them. They're getting like all this free shit. And when I hit 300,000 followers, none of that happened for me. Like I literally I have a followers, none of that happened for me. Like I literally, I have an old podcast that was,

I forget which one it is where I was just like, what the fuck is the point in the followers? Like for what? Like literally what's the point? It's because I didn't know there's so much more that goes into the back end of gaining followers online and having things happen to you because of it. Like there's a whole different business aspect and a whole business side of having management

and getting brands to send you things and working with brands and getting brand deals. That's something that just doesn't just happen. Like that takes so many moving parts and so many people to help you. Like all the shit that I have now is like, the works of me and so many other people. Like it's unrealistic for me to look back and be like, oh, Leo, you hit 300K and thought, things were just gonna fly at you? No girl, you have to go out and get them.

You have to make these things happen, but that's something people don't talk about. So online, everybody just blows up and like all this shit starts happening for them. You have to make that happen. Like if you wanna make money, you have to find a way to monetize your shit You have to find brands to work with you have to have contacts and connects at brands to get PR and free shit It don't just show up

Like I promise it doesn't just happen like just cuz you have followers these brands are not like scouting you out They do scout you out when you hit a certain level, but it's not less than a million. Like certain brands will reach out here and there, sure, but to get what I thought lived in having followers took a lot more than I was aware of at the time. So for me now looking back at my lower mountain that I was on, I can see it was unrealistic as fuck for me to expect all these feeling states lived in here. Because I really was thinking I was going to have freedom from financial stress, freedom from so many things I was feeling and then when I achieved the 300,000 followers, I still had all these feeling states and I was

like these are supposed to go away. Like I'm still stressed about money, I'm not making fucking shit off this, like how do you do it? And it fully made the experience not fun. So like that's where I'm saying that is a time to reflect when you experience real disappointment. So after I call myself out with whatever I was expecting if it was realistic or not, then I ask myself, okay, because now I'm aware of all the things that I want to feel and certain things that I want to alleviate and not feel. What is the most direct way for me to achieve the feelings that I wanted to feel that I thought lived in the experience I just had, but didn't?

What is the more direct way I can get that feeling state? And also, what are direct ways I can go about alleviating certain feelings that I'm feeling? Like with making money on social media, I had to go down a route of directly meeting that need and achieving that feeling state of not having to worry about it. It took a shit ton of work, but I had to go directly for it. So this is like a big ticket for awareness

when you have disappointment. But that's the most helpful thing you can do is ask yourself like, what is a more direct way of getting to the feelings that I want or alleviating certain feelings states. I don't want to have I do want to acknowledge one more thing because I'm done hooting and hollering out you like about all this Like I feel like you get it if you got all this and I like this helped you Leave me a comment down below if you're on YouTube and just like tell me because I love reading you guys comments And I want to know if me speaking at this level with

Certain perspectives and shit is like gonna be received because I don't know and I want to know if me speaking at this level with Certain perspectives and shit is like gonna be received because I don't know if I need to like bump it up or dumb it down I feel like we're at a point where I'm ready to like bump it up But I was smoking in Paris and a lot of people have been like on my ass on social media about it girl I wanted to smoke when I went to Paris. It wasn't that big of a deal like I literally told myself Yeah, I'm a smoking Europe like whatever. Let's go enjoy yourself like I knew I was gonna smoke again when I went to Paris. It wasn't that big of a deal. Like I literally told myself, yeah, I'm a smoking Europe, like whatever. Let's go enjoy yourself. Like I knew I was gonna smoke again when I quit and like I didn't swear it off forever.

Like I'm like, I'll have a cigarette here and there because I just enjoy it. Am I gonna smoke daily? No. Did I smoke daily in Paris? Hell yeah. I went through like two of these types of cigarettes. But I did share a lot with a lot of people. But I just want to clear that up because a lot of people didn't see me

Give the warning of like hey, I'm gonna be smoking in Paris and then I smoke and everybody was like What the fuck I like freaked out like girl cool it. I was just enjoying myself But now that I am back home. I'm back. I quit smoking again like I have the self control to Just get on and get off and like stop like It's weird because like I was talking about it on Snapchat if you haven't added me on Snapchat Ad me it's Leo Skeppy but people were literally like trying to talk shit I don't think it was people who actually follow me I think it was just people who like knew of me and found my shit like I don't think like you know people who know me know me

But y'all know I'm very selfcontrolled and I've never met someone that's like more disciplined than me and I don't say that to sound like an asshole, but like when I put my mind to something It's done like consider it done because I'm gonna do it, but When people lack discipline and they lack self-control of their own They can't conceptualize of someone else being able to enjoy themselves and then go back to setting limits like for me to Stop smoking for I was like a month and a half two months whatever it was and then to smoke for four days and then quit again And not touch a cigarette and not smoking the routine. They can't fathom What that is you relapse? It's like bitch. It's not a relapse

I chose to fucking do it because I wanted to. Like I'm able to Exhibit self-control like that and people like don't get it. Like when people don't have the same level of self-control They can't conceptualize of like what you're doing. Like they think you're weak because they're weak. No way, I could fully get on and get off anything. I've quit some hard-ass drugs before and I like have teetered with them back and forth and like done them for months straight and then got off just because I wanted to. This isn't the past but like I'm able to do that and people can't like fathom it and I'm like babe it's I'm not

gonna say it's not that hard but it's not that hard and it's not that complex like you can just stop and as soon as you get the control over yourself like that The hell like I don't I don't see it as a big deal But other people do and I think that shows who's more disciplined not even disciplined But like self-control like bitch. You can't control yourself. I can't relate But the other thing is like it's not like I was over here like I want to smoke so bad So I'm gonna look for any excuse I can to smoke It's like I wasn't making my decision to smoke based off of The feeling of wanting to smoke I've already kicked that like it was two months without it like I was out of my routine

It's out of my habit like I want to smoke here and there But I didn't and it's like the cravings wore off like I was just like you know what? I enjoy cigarettes. I'm gonna go smoke on embarrassed Whatever like it's not like I was like lying to myself and convincing myself of like oh I finally get an excuse I'm the most convincing fuck. I could have convinced myself of a thousand things to let myself feel like I can smoke without Guilt before that you know what I mean, but that's what I was saying like people who don't get it just don't get it But you get it, we get it. Ha!

I do just wanna say a big thank you to YSL Beauty if anyone on their team is watching this. I loved all of you. We had so much fun. We were, I'm not gonna give too many details, but we had a fucking blast. And we went for the launch of the myself Cologne with the YSL Beauty.

It's the black bottle. It smells so good. I wear it every day on my wrist. Like I wear a certain cologne on my body and then I'll do like two sprays on my wrist and rub it. Dude, like this is, they're not paying me to say anything about this. Like I genuinely love it.

And they sent it to me a couple of months ago and I tried it and I was like, I then they sent me more inviting me on the trip and I was like, hell yeah, like of course, but I did come home with eight bottles Don't ask how okay, and if you're on the team watching this no, I did it All right, that's all I've got for this episode if you enjoyed it leave this video a thumbs up And if you're listening to the audio version an apple podcast and Spotify leave this podcast a five thoughts rating all five

It better be off fucking five. As always, all of my social media will be linked in the description below. Go look at my new pictures on Instagram, a little modeling pictures, my little pictures from the YSL events. I ate it up and I just want you all to see. And one thing I love is when you guys share my posts

to your stories, like I go through and like every single person that like it sends me notifications of like who mentioned me in their story and like shared my post and I go through and like it. Like it makes my heart so happy that y'all are like showing me off. I'm like, hey, but that's it. All of you just know that I love you so much and you are not sharing the weight of being super aware with just yourself. Like I'm here with you. Everyone who listens to this podcast, we all share that. So don't ever feel alone in it. And I have a private Facebook community

where you can go in and talk to everybody. It's free. I just made it so everybody can like go chat and like talk to people who all also get it. So I'll also link to that in the description. But I'm gonna shut up and I'm gonna go. Everybody be safe. Take care of yourself.

Go look at my pictures, maybe, and then go eat something good or something. And I will talk to you guys next Sunday.