Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Asslighting (w/ Tim Baltz, Milana Vayntrub, and Ali Lu)

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Tim Baltz (The Righteous Gemstones, Bajillion Dollar Propertie$), Milana Vayntrub (This Is Us, Werewolves Within), and Ali Lu (Crowd Sourced Sketch Show) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Tim’s fantasy French engagement becomes purging with no abatement, Milana’s pre-game groove finds her marooned in the powder room, and Ali’s date goes from doc to dog, and somehow gets worse. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Find Tim Baltz on Twitter @tim_baltz, or Instagram @tim.baltz. Milana Vayntrub is @mintmilana on Instagram. Ali Lu is @aluzer on Instagram, and @alilucomedy on Twitter.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It took me a while to kind of join the dating scene, you know, and our household wasn't exactly one that kind of was like, so who'd you talk to today? Did you pass me? No, it's, do you have a girlfriend? You know, we just weren't really like that. So I was a bit of a late bloomer, kind of the, the Scotty Pippin of dating. But was it like the opposite? Was it like a shame subject? Because I was, like, I grew up in a South Asian household, but I, like, my brother and I would,

as soon as have died before telling anyone in our home that we had a crush. I think it was a bit that my mother is from northern France and I grew up Catholic so there was a lot of Vatican one theme. And I would go to other people's houses I'd be like wow this is a Vatican two household. Oh, it was. Oh, it was. Ah! Bad dates. Bad dates. Ah, Lee, Milana and Tim, hello, and welcome to Bad dates.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Thank you for coming to this show. So in case you're not familiar, it's basically just about all of the silliest, just the truly the most absurd things that we have encountered on our road to love to shagging or both. And before we get into your stories, I always like to find out, you know, if the shoe were on the other foot, what does it like to date you? So Milana, I'm going to ask you first, like,

how do you feel about dating and what do you think you bring to the table as a data? You know, I think this is probably true for most women in heterosexual relationships where I have made every person I've dated better. I have done the emotional lab. I have built so many Lamborghinis that other women out there are driving now. And do you feel like that's your service to sort of like, is it your activism? Or would you say, like, dictivism, sort of, but it's my dictivism. It's your dictivism. Or do you feel pissed that they they've gone off and then are driving your Lamborghini's?

Hmm, it's a good question. I would say it's actually just a service. It's it's kind of like what goes around comes around because now I'm married to someone and many other women have built him to be the Lamborghini. I can now drive So it's it's a communal process of making men better. Right, right, right, right, right. I don't know if I've made anyone better. I'm not sure that I could say the same for myself necessarily, but I do know exactly what you mean. I do know exactly what you mean.

I feel like a lot of people feel that way. Tim, what do you feel like? Do you feel like men tend to make women better as well? Are they also putting in that, I don't know, clit, clit, to visit them? Are we good? We'll find women better as well. Are they also putting in that, I don't know, clit to vision, are we good? So we'll find something better than that. Clit to vision, that's a bad dream. Yeah.

No, I mean, I certainly think every time I went through a breakup, I, you know, I made deep eye contact with my former partner and I said, thank you for upgrading me. That's not good. I'm a better person now, despite our emotional distress. And Milana, would you say that you specifically chose people? Because that is the cliche, right, about straight women in particular, is that they, they,

they find, they love a project they like to fix someone. Do you feel like you were a fixer? I didn't mean to, if I did, I think I chose people that I thought would be the best people for me, or that were the most fun I thought would be the best people for me, or that were the most fun, or that were my best friends. But then at the end of it, I would be like, well, next person, you're welcome. So tell me about your feelings around dating and what you feel that you brought to the table. I don't think, you know, I recently, the other day, I was reading a Twitter thread as we all were.

And, you know, I was on a downward spiral, but something actually caught my attention. And it was about like the good guy villain, you know, someone who like refuses to be the bad guy and initiate the breakup. And I wasn't that, so I was proud of myself. That's good, that's good. But it was fascinating concept though, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Because you would see it happen all the time, and all of a sudden these guys are like,

you know, she broke up with me and she broke my heart and it's like, well, what were you not doing? What responsibility did you shirk at that point? Yeah, I finished shirk at one time. I've spoken about it on this podcast before somewhere, but it's only because he was such a lunatic that I knew he would never break up with me. So I just, I know that I knew that I wouldn't be able

to break up with him because he just wouldn't accept no for an answer, so I went out of my way and spent six months trying to put him off. I did that once too. I was just more efficient. I think I was an asshole for like six days. Stop anything and stuff. No, I was just wondering.

I just really mean, no, no, no, no. Yeah, just a small dump. Like you did for six months. Yeah, just leave a little turd everywhere. See, you left tiny turds. I left one big dump in the living room. Yeah, I'm like a little rabbit here. Living room, wow. Yeah, bull. I left one big dump in the living room. Yeah, I'm like, I just grab it here. Living room, wow.

Yeah, I was in, I said efficient. Comments faces, I know. Yeah. And Ali, the same question to you. Dating, loved it, loved it. Oh, I'm Filipino. So there was no dating when I was younger, but I had a boyfriend. Wait, at what age?

16. Okay. So I was disowned, obviously. Um, um, um, dating me is kind of like getting on a reverse bachelor except like instead of suitors vying for the love of one woman, it's one guy vying for the love of 75,000 Filipinos that are in my house. Wait, what do you mean?

I mean, they all show up and they have to convince my whole family to give them roses. It's not just me that they're after. You have to win over my whole family. So I learned really quickly, don't bring boys home. How have we not made that reality? You should. Do it with a Filipino family.

There's a million of us who are, we all have the dresses, so it's fine, we're good. That's fucking amazing. So I didn't know, I was completely, like Tim, I was a monogamous for a long time, and then I moved out to LA, and Tinder was a thing. Cause in Alaska, it's like, I don't wanna match with my history teacher.

Come out here. Here. Wait, you don't want to match with my history teacher. Come out here. Wait, you don't? Yeah, in England, we do. All right, Tim, your story is called Getting Engaged. Let's hear it all about it. So, my mother is French and I grew up in a small town in Illinois. And that was a very, you know, kind of a big deal for me. We would go during the summers to visit my grandparents and we kind of do everything on the cheap.

And I didn't really get to share that with many people. And in the Midwest, there certainly wasn't kind of like an embracing feeling towards like any different cultures. that with many people and in the Midwest there certainly wasn't kind of like an embracing feeling towards like any different cultures, let alone hours. What? Have you ever been? But it was a very big part of my life obviously. I ended up one of my majors in college was that and I would go any chance that I could on vacation when I got older.

And I'd never really traveled there with a significant other, but I knew if I had the chance, I was going to propose there to my now wife with the time we'd been dating for a few years. So we go, and I get a ring a day before before we go and I stash it in my backpack. You know, we're like we're traveling. We have a nice little itinerary. We're starting in Paris and then we're going to go visit my family. Sorry, sorry.

How long have you been together at that point? At this point, we'd been dating about four years, I think. And had you talked about engagement and marriage and all that? We, yeah, we had. But I don't think that she knew it was happening because I hadn't, the trip was very last minute. Like we found, I went online and I found flights leaving on New Year's Day and we got a great deal

and I was like, let's just do it. It's spontaneous, it's fun, right? So she didn't really, she wasn't suspicious going in because she thought like, oh, he, like, let's just do it. It's spontaneous. It's fun, right? So she didn't really, she wasn't suspicious going in because she thought like, oh, you, like, I know he hasn't gotten a ring and we had talked about ring shopping and I hadn't, like, I hadn't talked to her about it, but I found a great ring so I was like, all right,

I'm ready to do this. And we get to France and I had this coat that wasn't, I couldn't hide the ring in my coat. So the first two days I'm going around Paris like trying to find a coat that I can hide the ring in my coat. So the first two days I'm going around Paris, like trying to find a coat that I can hide the ring in, and I'm like obsessed with it. And she's like, what's your problem? Why don't you care about the coat?

Just because you don't look French enough in your American coat. Which it doesn't matter. I have the most American looking head of all time. There's no coat that will make you Frencher. No, no, it is I could be in what Milana is wearing right now. You could have the moustache and the beret and it looks like a little French sailor. A little cigarette.

Yes, exactly. A baguette over my shoulder, you know. Anabicycle. Yeah. Like, that guy's making a movie here. That American actor is making a bicycle. Yeah, like that guy's making a movie here that American actor is making a movie. But I find the coat and we're not really mourning people, but because of jet lag, we kept waking up early. So we wake up at 531 day and I look at my phone and I'm like, hey, you know what?

The sunrise, we were near the river, the sun river. I said, the sunrise is coming up over the river in like an hour. Do you want to get ready and just go see the sunrise? We don't really do that. He's like, yeah, okay, let's do that. I guess, okay. I had a couple spots in Paris where I was like spontaneously, I can propose there and it will be very romantic. And this place was the Poe Noth, which is means New Bridge. So I was like, oh, you know, the sunrise and the New bridge and we'll be like a new beginning and all this. And so we're like hustle to get there and I propose and the sun is rising, you know, and we're all, you know, sad and I mean, we're not sad. We're like, cry, I'm sorry. We're like, terrible decision. This is gonna take us all.

I hate the sun. Yeah, we're both vampires. We hate the sun. So our skin's on fire, but we're crying. And so obviously Lily says yes, and we're so excited, and we go to the Luxembourg Garden, and we're walking around, and everything was kind of spontaneous, and I just I wanted that to be part of the day that we were having God you fucking rock star to that all of these places are incredible This yeah, it really felt like oh everything's coming together. This is so fantastic And we're in the sixth district in in Paris near the Luxberg Gardens And and I said oh there's this really fancy restaurant

In the sixth and it's kind of like it's not quite a tourist trap, but it's like really ritzy You know, not exactly our style. It's kind of old school. Do you want to go and we can get like champagne and oysters or something like that? It's like yeah, sure So we go and we get champagne and oysters. It just feels really special and cute and crucial. That is so cute This is very rich Gare of you. Go on. And afterwards, I was like, let's go shopping. And we'll go like have a little shopping spree,

and it'll be fun. It's not by a coat. Yeah, by another coat. And we were in some store, and I think Lily was looking at some like a beautiful dress or something. And I was like reaching for my wallet. And all of a sudden, my stomach was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, We tell them we're engaged. Everyone's so happy. Everyone's crying. Oh, it's so great. And then we're about to call her dad. And I'm like, hold on a second.

I go to the bathroom. No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm already perplexed by the fact that when you realize you need to use a bathroom, you want to go back to the shared bathroom that you have in a hotel room. They've been together for a long time. It doesn't matter.

I have, have you heard the acoustics and a French bathroom? bathroom that you have in a hotel room. They've been together for a while. Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Have you heard the acoustics in a French bathroom? You literally just have to go, and it just reverberates around the entire fucking room, right? This is fucking marble. This is very serious. This is fucking marble with these people. I was just crazy decision to not just go to the nearest street,

they feel shit in the street. I was like, as much as I wanted the day I got engaged to be me shitting in the street. Yeah. There was actually a general strike going on at the time. So I was like, look, the hotel's the safest bet. And then we got back and I actually started to feel okay. So you know what, look, the hotel's the safest bet. And then we got back and

I actually started to feel okay. So you know what I'm right, we're calling our family, you know, and everything's very happy. And then like, oh, hold on a second. And I just got a tweak around the bathroom and both ends. Just... Both. Just... The oysters! Every... And so I'm thinking, oh, this is going to happen in is going to happen, my fiance now too. I was the only one who got the bad oyster. The only one.

Not only is it coming out of both ends, I vomited so hard that I broke a blood vessel in my nose and I'm leaning over the toilet vomiting in between vomiting and diarrhea and my nose starts gushing blood. No. All the elements, all the elements in one bowl. So in between throwing up, my nose is just like pouring into the toilet. So it looks like an awful crime scene and I'm thinking like I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Yeah. No, why my nose is bleedingspleeting on not flawless, you know? That's not even a bad idea. We're in our so dramatic.

That's not even a bad idea. And on for the next two days, I was completely out. I couldn't, I like, I was only getting up to go from the bed to the bathroom. And we had all these activities planned and Lily had to do them all by herself. She went to the eye for an hour by herself. She went to museums by herself. And she has, so there's a section of our engagement are engagement. You just probably shopped in.

Yeah. Just covered in puke and diarrhea in the corner photoshopped it. I blood. And blood. And blood. And it, this, this kind of like, you know, almost childhood dream that I had where I was like, I'll get engaged in Paris someday. Just kind of gets overtaken by, you know, in a storm of diarrhea and vomit. I mean, I know that this is your wife, but I have to say, slight red flag

that she didn't say and like, help you out for those two days that she was like, peace out. Like, I'm gonna go to the animal tower. I'm not suggesting divorce, but like, am I anyone in favor of your bit fucked up? But you're also like suggested the acoustics in the hotel to not be so lovely. I was staring her.

There's only so much puking and shitting she could listen to before she's like, I'm gonna go check out that giant tower outside. I'm assuming we're gonna go real quick. She did it for his dignity. You're right. She did. And then she would go off and get like, you know,

shawarma and a gatorade or something like that, and leave it kind of on the dresser and then be like, are you okay? Are you feeling up to it? And I'd stand up and I'd be like, nope. And I'd run to the bathroom. The last thing is quite clent. Yeah, the classic solution for an upset stomach.

Yes. A horrible greasy, greasy, like this shaved meat. No, no ginger ale for me, thanks. Give me a schwama straight to the face. She's trying to keep him sick so she can keep having another lovely time. Yeah, she had a full blown Emily and Paris trip and I was Timothy at the toilet. That's hilarious. I also love the idea of little Tim imagining getting engaged in Paris.

Do you mean his penis? I mean, tiny little penis. No, I don't mean commenting on penis, so I just mean it's normally the small version of a little Tim. Yeah, the younger Tim, he was so But he said that his younger version always hoped that he would be getting engaged in this. And that's a very sweet thing for a little boy to dream of.

You know what? I was a hopeless romantic. You manifested it and it was a perfect, it was a perfect proposal. Like no one can ever take that away from you because everything happened technically hours after the fact. So you still had the perfect proposal.

It's a different rule. The truth is that you needed to manifest like for the hours after the proposal, that's where you went wrong. You stuck it there. It did go perfectly though and well done because it's one of the most beautiful, one of the most beautiful like proposal days I've heard of smashed it. Oh, thank you. It was. It did feel.

Shame about your weekass hole. Hey, well, it didn't kill me. It made me stronger. That's true. That's true. I have abs on your anus now. Yeah. Just a jacked asshole now.

Yeah. It's a asshole looks like Mark Wahlberg. Like, I's a off-hand look like Mark Wilbuck. Like, I also look like a green, hulky asshole. Yeah. I also like how there was a general strike happening in France, just a general strike. What, I say that. I get shit done, man.

I say really do, but I say that because I didn't know where else to, I was like, well, I can't trust going into any place. And I couldn't think of where a public toilet would be. Well, and then blowing one up might have been a political statement, like received as a political statement. So I went to the hotel. That's true. I support these unionists. Oh my God. That's fucking nuts.

But you know what? I think a lovely, funny bonding story for you and your wife later on. It definitely made me feel like I look at it as I got engaged and then I purged my entire past from my body. So you came out three days later a virgin? Yes. You're untouched pure virgin. Which confused her because I, three days later a virgin. Yes. You're not gonna touch pure virgin.

Which confused her because I, three days later, I was like, will you take my virginity? Yeah. She had no idea. Oh, and she must have been so turned on by then. Yeah, because I was really loved then. Everything she'd been through, and she was like, God, I just watched this guy have diarrhea and vomit nonstop,

and now I get to take his virginity. Not an honor. Well, I'm glad you had some sort of a happy ending. And I'm really happy for you and you're jacked, asshole. But we spoke about them so long. That should have been the name of your story. It should have been. Why was it getting engaged?

Why wasn't it Jack asked all? We can edit that in. Yeah, do it in post, please. That will be the photograph that's not going to replace my face on the poster. Hey, yeah. That's going to be the best promo carousel I've ever seen. We'll be right back. Welcome to Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. A place where the best and brightest aren't fighting to be prom queen or captain of the football team.

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Enjoy Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge all ten episodes of Academy Early and Add Free on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. And we're back. All right, Melana, will you tell me what VIP sleeves back is? Oh, VIP sleeves bag is the story of me and a boy I went on a few dates with in college. We met at a concert. He was like the other Russian Jewish guy at my college and so of course we were attracted to each other

solely for the reason of making our parents happy. And then I was just so nervous around him for the first date and the second date. And so for the third date, I was just so nervous around him for the first date and the second date. And so for the third date, I was like, I'm going to get properly plastered and then have the nerve to kiss it. Because when you've gone to your third date and you still haven't even kissed, it's just... It's like edging.

It's exactly. I'm like, when... Or could we just jizz already? You get it, Ellie. I don't kiss for the first several months, just saying. Really? Yeah. That's why your hair is beautiful.

Because it's full of, like, unkissed. Like, unkissed? It's your power. Sorry, what were you going to say? I have no idea. Anyway, so we went to this concert and we decided to pregame before. And of course, we were in college and broke so we had very cheap vodka and very cheap orange juice and drank it in the parking

lot of this concert. Now I got so plastered, I don't even remember what the concert was for. I don't remember who was performing, I don't remember where it was. I just remember going in and during the opening act, getting up the nerve to slam faces, and we made out and it was great until I started to feel a little bit wheezy. I didn't know a little wheezy.

I know. And so I decided I'm gonna go to the bathroom a little bit. We easy. I didn't tell it all we easy. Um, I know. And so I decide, um, I'm going to go to the bathroom and I'm going to go to the bathroom and I make my way over, uh, to what I think is just the normal, uh, bathroom. And I puke many times, um, and then fall asleep on the floor. Oh, they see me. Concert venue. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

After throwing up, opening act, guys, this is the opening act. How long were you asleep for? How can I possibly answer that question? Who knows? Who knows? Could have been days. Eventually somebody opens the door and goes, hey, are you with this guy? He's just looking for you.

Honestly, I can't remember his name. Don't remember his name. I'm so sorry, person. If you're listening to this, you are important to me. Just not really, I guess. So then I somebody is like, Hey, there's a guy outside looking for you. So then I realized that not only did I pass out in the women's restroom, but I had somehow sleaze bag myself into the VIP area bathroom. So he not only couldn't get to me, he couldn't get past layers of security to get to me in the women's bathroom.

How the fuck did you manage to do that? I am a slime other fucker, Jamila. I don't know. I think I probably had a very low cut dress on, and that was distracting enough to hypnotize people. I really don't know what my own powers are. You know what though? If you are going to pass out in a pool of your own vomit,

I feel like the VIP toy that is the best one. It's really fucking nice in there. It's lovely. It's lovely. And lovely is. I guess look cute. Anyway, then we didn't even make it to the main band. He was like, I should probably get you home. And I'm like, and all I remember is driving home on the freeway and puking out the side of his moving vehicle. Oh God. on the freeway and puking out the side of his moving vehicle.

Oh God. I know you're going at speed, so it kind of does that thing. So it splashes along the whole side of the floor. It's like flames, but it's puke. Yes. It's rock and roll in the most rock and roll. Oh, dear. Where did you go to school?

What city is this in? I went to school in San Diego, and I think we went to a show in like Anaheim. So it was a good hour drive. Oh my God. And the next day, you know, I make it home, I go to sleep the next day, he texts me and is like, are you all right?

And I was so embarrassed that I never texted him back ever again. And for that, I am the VIP scumbag. Oh, Michael, wait, is that why you have then like fixed and helped so many men after that, like playing like, you're a toning for what you did to that boy young man in his car. I'm over the correction. You know what, yeah, I think now giving it a little bit more thought and sharing that story, I'm realizing that I may be not as high as my dear,

as I thought. No. No. No. No. No. Oh, that's so sad. It was so sad. It was so sad.

Because he has no idea what he did wrong. Do you reckon he ever thought to himself maybe she was embarrassed? Well, maybe you should have kissed her faster. Maybe he's hit the ball. Maybe you should have turned out better vodka. Right. You are toxic, Ali.

You are toxic. You could see it. LAUGHTER Maybe if he would have treated me to a nice stolicinaia. I'm just kidding. It was literally like plastic bottles of vodka. You know what? You know what?

You know what? You're a very sad kind of handheld bottle of vodka. There are certain scenarios, I guess, where it's just too painful to ever look at that person in the eye again. Like one of my favorite stories like this, and I don't know if I've told it here on the podcast or not, but one of my favorite stories around that was, Guy, my makeup artist at the good place,

went to college with, he was blackout drunk in bed with a girl that he'd had a one night stand with at college. And in the middle of the night he farted and it was so loud and so wet that it woke him up. And he realised he'd shit the bed, he'd shit her bed. Like a train spotted? Yeah, yeah, so he tried to like clear it up and like pull the sheets so that he could like change the sheets

or something, where you panic or drunk or young, and as he starts moving the sheet, she starts waking up, so he's like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I've defined another way, so he, there's no point trying to do it with a towel, it's only gonna make it messier, it's gonna make it go further. So he's a genius, and he thinks to pick it up with his hands,

it's like scoop it up with his hands, and then sort of smear it between her bum cheeks. So she thinks that she's the one who shit her pants. She doesn't wake up because he does it so tenderly, and then he leaves a note saying, I don't think we should see each other again. So she is walking around to this day. Thank you.

That, oh my God. He did her a mercy by not spreading that around. I know. But I know. I hope she's listening. I hope for her sake. This heals decades of trauma. I know that the term comes from something else,

but this should be the new term for gaslighting. This is asslighting. This is it. He's asslightedlighting. Oh, this is ass lighting. This is an ass lighting. He's ass lit. He's ass lit this woman for years. Yeah, yeah, this is, it's crazy. It's crazy. And obviously you're not gonna, you're not gonna check your actual ainess, right?

That's not, you know, we can't, there's no way to know, but of course you would have trusted that that was all hers. It was so fucked up, but also, so, okay. It's just no way to deal with it. Some people just have to run from their sins.

Jamila, you then trusted this man to apply anything to your face, and for what? No, he didn't do it with his friend. Oh, his friend. But you trusted a man who associates with this kind of a man to touch your face? All right, I feel like there's a lot of negative energy coming towards me when actually Ali has fruit. Honestly, I was here to defend him because he sounds like a critical thinker and

problem somewhere. Thank you. President of the United States material, right? He has my vote, yes. 100% same. I think it's iconic. It's one of my favorite stories. But I feel you, do you have anything that you would like to say to this young man now given that he is here? We've brought him to the book. Hey, dude, I totally remember what your name is. I'm just not going to say it right now. I'm, I think I think you dodged a bullet, honestly. Good for you for having such judgment

to not keep texting me after that. I guess the lesson there is just just to drink more expensive alcohol, unless of it. That's what it is. It's your fault. But more expensive alcohol for the woman. 100%

And kiss on the first date. Yes, that's right. You. And kiss on the first date. Yeah, that's right. You should always kiss on the first date to just know if there's chemistry. Otherwise, how do you know? Well, sometimes you wait for two or three months, you know. So what is that deal? What is that about? It's so much chemistry.

Really intense. It's really intense and the first kiss is so loaded. But basically, it's my intensive, like, basic on them, yeah, anything. Yeah, I really just need to know everything about you before I'm going to, because once I've kissed or shagged someone, I know I'm going to end up being with them for several years, because that's just how I am. And very lazy at that point, I've done so much leg work

that I'm just like, I may as well commit. And so I think it's just wanting to make sure that it's not gonna be someone who's gonna turn out to be a total freak. You know, and also that they are running on cribber with how much it will freak I am. Okay. All right, thank you for that story.

And for humbling yourself in that moment. Oh my God, so very, thank you for going. Please move on. It's so great and it's so relatable. All right, we'll be right back. Back it's... When we think of sports stories, we tend to think of tales of epic on the field glory.

But the new podcast, Sports Explains the World World brings you some of the wildest and most surprising sports stories you've never heard, like the teenager who wrote a fake Wikipedia page for a young athlete and then watched as a real team fell for his prank. Diving into his Wikipedia page we turn three career goals into eleven and add a twenty new assists for good measure. Figures that nobody would, should, have believed. And the mysterious secret of a US Olympic superstar killed at the peak of his career.

Was it an accident? Did the police screw up the investigation? It was also nebulous. Each week, sports explains the world. Goes beyond leagues and stats to share stories that will redefine your understanding of sports, and their impact on the world. Listen to sports explains the world.

On the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts, you can listen to sports explains the world early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. And we're back. Alright, Ali, who is Dr. Ma? Dr. Maul is a real piece of work that I met on my favorite app Tinder. I had, okay, let me preface that I've had really, really good Tinder experiences up until this point.

My first Tinder date ever took me to the Taylor Swift concert in 2018. Wow. Yeah, in a box, like he was working for like a radio station My first Tinder date ever took me to the Taylor Swift concert in 2018. Yeah, in a box, he was working for a radio station and he asked me, it was great. I didn't talk to him the whole night. I was up against the glass like this screaming my face off. Tinder lottery.

Great first date. So when I matched with Dr. Mo, I was like, okay, this should be fine. And he was great. Except when he came over to my house, he brought over a half-drink bottle of wine, which should have been my first red flag. But he was great, he was super charismatic.

I drank the first test on the way here. And we watched a little TV, he was super great listener, a little love bombing, but I was like, Well, because he was pissed as a father, wasn't he? Right! No, he was so poor when he showed up, the bottle was half drunk. It was like a leftover. Like, he did love bringing you.

Yeah. And he was sustainable. He was in the sustainability. He was in the doctor's, so I'm like, this isn't adding up, but I was sport-fucking at the time. So it was great. We spent the night. It's good exercise. Yeah. Yeah, it's my cardio. He and I started seeing each other casually for the next few months, and he was super love-bombing. Sometimes I would just come home and there'd be groceries at my door. What an asshole. Oh. Then one night we were at my house, and he had his phone up playing music on my TV.

And then he went to the bathroom. When he went to the bathroom, this girl's name kept popping up on the TV. Like he was getting texts and calls from this girl. And he was in the bathroom for like two hours almost two hours We were all drunk we keep hanging out and then I get a message in my DMs from a girl who says he is his girlfriend And I'm kind of like okay, whatever. I'm gonna wait. How does she know about you and how does she know what find you? Did you go in public? No, he had

He had posted a story of us at a place that she had taken him to. And then found me on his Snapchat. And then everything came out. He was not a doctor. The apartment that he had taken me to was the apartment of his cousin that has the same name as him. Oh my God. He was actually a 26 year old guy who still lived with his parents and

When I messaged the girl back we found seven to ten other girls. He was dating. No way Now he was sending them all groceries. It was way worse than you could ever imagine Because I was not falling for the love bombing, he really was giving me the most attention. But these other girls, he had promised marriage. He was also South Indian and all of these girls were South Indian and some girls were white, some a whole mix of women. Okay, so he's not racist. No, he's an evil opera.

He's a teenager, yes. A liberal. of women. Okay, so he's not a racist. No, he's an illegal opera. He's a gay woman, yes. A liberal. But I had never dated. I used to date white guys. I didn't know any better. So now I was dating this new Indian guy and he told me that Indians have two birthdays. And being engaged to an Indian guy now, I know that's false.

No, that's fucking bullshit. No, it's that's false. That's talking bullshit. That's 100% false. So a bunch of us girls decided to meet up. And we met up at a restaurant, closed it down, stayed talking in the parking lot to like 4am. We're talking about all these gifts that he had regifted all of us. I had just told.

We regifted from where? So he told me he had two birthdays. So on one of his birthdays, I gave him these really nice shot glasses. And this girl who I had met up with opens her trunk and said, these shot glasses. Oh, wait, is that weather wine? So it was probably some bottle of wine

that brought some wine that he just brought over. Okay, so he recycled as well. Really, just really environmentally conscious. Yeah, well, the one birthday is the day you're born on. And then the second birthday is the day where you want all the gifts. I guess, I don't know what his deal was. But everything just started unraveling.

Like he had taken me boat shopping, that he had taken me to his apartment. That was his cousin's apartment. He had told me that his grandma knew about me. He had told me all of this stuff. And it turns out he had told all these girls all of this stuff. And what's worse is that I only had sex with us.

It gets worse. I had only had sex with him the one time. And then I just wanted to be homies. And I think that's what was driving him crazy. But he was having sex unprotected because he said it was against his religion. Again, I'm dating an Indian guy now. Oh, no. Yeah. And he had given two of them cancerous HPV.

Oh, my God. But that's not even the worst part. What? So one of the girls called me and said, I don't want, because the plan was to all go and confront him. It was going to be this empowered women, because he wanted us all to hate each other. He was saying that we're all crazy, and he only liked one of us at a time and was talking shit about all of us.

This is all crazy. We all were getting... I'm just a really good re-gifter. I just love women. Sorry, why would he get in the money to do all of this? Because he's not a doctor. He's clearly murdered his cousin and he doesn't pay wearing his skin.

So he doesn't pay rent. He lives with his parents. So whatever he was making at the job that he actually had, I guess was just going, and he only had to buy one gift because then it all went around and around like white elephant. So this finances were not a problem. His soul was. And one of the girls called me and was like,

hey, I really don't think it's a good idea to go confront him because he's got, he's been threading me with basically revenge porn. Because there was a video camera that he had set up in his grandmother's shot, like where his the granny apartment is. That's where he would take them all to have sex. And he would report them in the shower.

So I told him that I wanted to go have lunch and talk all this out, because I was like, I'm not your girlfriend, I just kinda wanna know where you're coming from. And then three of the girls broke into his house and stole the camera and two laptops and threw them in the trash. Holy shit. And then I couldn't resist a

mic drop moment. So I took the medical bills from the the girl that I was close to who he had just recently given HPV addressed it to his parents and And... And... And... And... And... And... And...

And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And...

And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And...

And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... We weren't unsure. You know what I mean? It was very new. Yeah. And he was a particularly huge scumbag because he targeted transplants. He was born and raised out here in LA. And so he knew exactly what to look for, what kind, exactly what personality type to look for. What does the transplant mean? Somebody who moved to LA to follow their dreams. Oh, no. Wow, he's a friend. He is a predator. Absolutely, because everyone who he made a connection with, they had something that they were insecure about. But his mistake with

me was thinking that being you had any insecurity. Right. Like, I was like, sorry guy, like this, you know, and then my other friend who, I'm still friends with all these women, by the way. We are all really good friends. Some of them are actual doctors now. Some of them are like thriving DJs and Singapore. Like really, we're all much, much better off. And he, so that girl that I'm really good friends with, she was born deaf and had a cochlear implant.

And he tried to make her feel insecure for not hearing. And he tried to make me feel insecure for being heavy. And I was like, no, homie, you should be insecure because you're live with your parents and telling people you're a doctor, you're a psychopath. Okay, well, we're being a bit hard on this guy because we're very good at admin. Okay.

He must have had a spreadsheet. He's, I mean, it's insane, isn't it, these people? I've heard of stories like this a few times before, so I mean, he's got like 22 fiancees and like there, and the fiance found out because at one time he slips up and sends one, the flowers to the wrong person with the wrong name on it. And I'm always like, Christ, I can barely keep

one relationship together, even polyamory. It would be way too much work. It's so much encouragement. It's a career. Yeah, I mean, when you don't have to pay rent, your day is pretty free. You have all the time in the world. But what was truly fucked up is he didn't have an original thought in his head. Like, I was actually enjoying the taste and a style of other women, not him,

cause he would take me places that they've taken him. And then he'd take them places I take him. Like it was all reuse recycle. Like it was lather rinse repeat. I mean, I'm saying that women just make men better, that you were just dating a product of all of these other women.

The only thing attractive about him was everything that he sucked out of the other women that he's dated. 100% like a shell game. It's great that you're friends with all of them. That's fantastic. There are some of my best friends in the like. I would like to start around of applause for you sending the medical bills to the family.

Round of applause. What a fucking legend. What a fucking ending. What a hero. What a fucking legend, what a fucking ending, what a hero. What a bright light at the end of that dark, dark tunnel. I just knew I said the second his parents opened that up, it's over for him. Yeah, it's so over. He's out on his arse. Thank God. What a prick. Hopefully his learned his lesson. I'm glad you came out of that relatively unscathed. My goodness.

My goodness. Although, you know what, for all the good Tinder karma you had, you had one thing, it's really, I packed all of the Tinder trauma into just one guy. Well, I didn't even like that. That's the thing. I think God, I didn't even like him. I was so glad to just be there for these women

who were in love with him. Yeah, they're lucky to have you two. You know, that's a real love story of this time. Yeah, it is. You have to write this movie. They're all coming to your wedding. That's so cute. And that's going to be the thing that plays when the credits roll. Yeah, when everyone is dancing, coming together. I want to be an extra in this movie. So we always ask our listeners to send in stories for this podcast of their verses because it's an all-inclusive experience, right?

So a universal topic happens to us all. And someone wrote in by the story that I would like to read all of you right now. Are you ready? Ready, ready. Yes. So someone has written in saying, last summer, I was set up on a blind date by a friend. We went on our first date, which was a blast,

starting at 3 p.m. and ending at 1 a.m. when we made our way back to his flat. Now, I noticed some odd artwork on his walls above the e-scooter red flag, but didn't bring them up as I was too eager for a wine drunkdrunk shag. After shagging, he proudly showed me the tiktoks he makes in his spare time. Red flag.

Red flag, namidious! To say, the glass of orange juice that he brought me in the morning quickly pushed the tiktoks to the back of my mind. He brought the dog into the bed and we shared a romantic morning. The artwork, however, was staring down on us, and now horrendously sober, I asked where he'd acquired it. And he said he'd made it himself and what I like to own one of my own. He didn't wait for the answer and went on to describe

that it was his self titled, Pube Art made out of his cut-off pubes, arranged into different shapes and then stuck on Googleogly eyes on top. Am I wrong? I love the sound of that. The hangover did nothing to hide. My distaste and he looked offended that I didn't accept his offer of a pube art of my own. I'm ashamed to say that I went on to date him for another nine weeks, in which he would have acquired, I imagine, more hair to create more masterpieces. He's introduced him to all of my closest friends

and let the dog watch all future shags before succumbing to my friends intervention that the Pugh-Bart boy was not the love of my life. All future blind dates have been declined yours and shame, Emily. Yes, I have a photo of the Pugh-Bart. Oh my god, Emily sent it to me. I want to buy it now. Oh my god. You know what, I don't want to hear a guy ever complain

about their significant other's hair on the wall anymore. Because what you're making with your hair, sounds like. He's making magic. All right. He's in our test. Yes, I really enjoy how optimistically we've treated all of the weirdos in... It's very among guard. What do I want in my art is DNA.

There's also, if he dies, she can clone him like Barbara Streisandert with her dog. I think it was Barbara Streisandert, right? Yeah, what a legend. She's my hero. But also kind of just incapable of change. Yeah, yeah. I. She's my hero. But also kind of just incapable of change. Yeah, yeah. I changed what's not broke, you know? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm so down for that. I said to my boyfriend, you know, we sometimes like have the terrifying fear conversation about what happens

if our dog barrel dies. And I was like, we get another dog that day name it barreled. And he says, I'm a sociopath. And maybe he's right. But I feel like Barbara would agree. Yeah, or you are, you're onto your barberspace and so. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. One thing about that story relating to the dog,

I, it seemed a bit superfluous to be like, and the dog watched us have sex all those times. It was unnecessary detail. Bit like, why do you need to say that? I think she was just purging all of her shame. I think she just wanted to get it all out there. Yeah. I've never had a dog.

If any of you were dog owners, is it like, yeah, the dog watches? Never, never, ever would my dog ever know that I am not a virgin, ever. Your dog thinks you're a virgin. Yeah. I tell him everything. And James, as well. You are gaslighting your bed. Yeah, you're gaslighting your bed. Well, because he's castrated, all right?

So we don't want him to think that we're having all the fun that he knows. Like, he got snipped off. Yeah, it's like rubbing it, it's rubbing it in. It's in a foam crib. So he thinks you're, he thinks you're castrated too. Yeah, no, we give him to, exactly he thinks that we've all been snipped That is the story that we tell you know, and it it works for us And he would ever hear you you would just say that you're in terrible pain

We would say that we were playing squash in the bedroom And he understands Because he speaks fluent English, so I'm glad that we've covered this In which accent does he speak in? He also has a fake English accent. He uses the same microphone as me. Guys you've been a joy and a pleasure. Thank you for sharing so much with me and as ever, no, as ever, I'm glad that we're all alive to see another day. And I'm thrilled at how many of your stories ended up happily apart from your Malana, sorry. No, it's for the best. Okay. Thank you for coming. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Follow Malana on social media at Mint Malana and visit her website at www.freethibid.com Follow Tim Boltz on Instagram at Tim.Boltz and on Twitter at TimUnderschoolBoltz You can find Aliloo on Instagram at aLoser, ALUZER and on Twitter at Aliloo Comedy Go find her now Bad dates is produced by smartness media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen, executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jameena Dremel. That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced and engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant, also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw.

Talent producer is Anne Harris, associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushie and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arne, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more... Bad dates! ...shoot!

Smart! Blurred! Sneeeeer! Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.