Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Grown Elizabeth Man (w/ Liza Treyger, Matteo Lane, and Elna Baker)

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Liza Treyger, Matteo Lane, and Elna Baker to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Liza enters a shame spiral in full glam, Matteo decides not to tell you there’s something on your face, and Elna’s airplane fairy tale gets grounded.If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsLiza Treyger: @glittercheese on Insta, That’s Messed Up: An SVU PodcastMatteo Lane: MatteoLaneComedy.com, @matteolane on Insta and TikTokElna Baker: Pretty Sure I Can Fly with Johnny KnoxvilleSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart. Blast. Neon. I've still never seen Two Girls, One Cup. I haven't either. Really? Oh yeah. We should share screen. No!

No! Don't do it. As if Marie knows how to do that. Let me share the screen. Let me set this up. I'm like, Alexa, how do I share my screen? Black dates. Black dates. Black dates.

Oh my God. Hi guys. Welcome to Bad Dates with Marie Faustin. That's me, your single and ready to mingle friend. The whole concept of the show obviously is we talked funny people about bad dates that make us feel good about ourselves, right? They make me feel better. And when I say a bad date, I mean a bad date story. So I was in London a couple years ago and I matched with this guy on Tinder because

they have Tinder over there. There's a U in there somewhere though. So I matched with this guy on Tinder and his profile said Fridays are for shopping and it was Friday and I could read. So I swiped. We matched and he was like, Hey, what are you doing today? And I was like, I'm shopping. And he was like, you look like you need some new agent provocateur. Now for the poor people listening, agent provocateur is like rich people Victoria's Secret. That's actually Victoria's Secret. She wears Agent Provocateur. So I meet with this guy. I run all the way down to where we're meeting.

You know, I'm having like a pretty woman moment. I'm looking at the lady like, you work on commission. Big mistake. Huge. And no one cares. I pick out all this stuff. It's thousands of dollars worth of lingerie. We get to the register and all I'm thinking is, wow, I wish I could go live.

So everyone in New York could see how great I'm doing in London. And this man's card got declined. His card got declined. I'm looking at this guy like, why would you invite me to do this if you didn't have the funds in the account? And I think he just wanted to see me dance around

in underwear for an hour. Oh, did you try it on for him? You tried it on for him? Oh yeah, girl, because I'm a giver. You know, I'm a, I'm- Yes, from this story, Marie, I only took that you are a giver. Yes, I am.

The male voice that you hear is my good friend, comedian, actor, booked all over Netflix, co-host of the new podcast, I Never Liked You with Nick Smith. It's Mateo Lane. Hi, Mateo. Hey. Another voice that you're hearing with me today is the comic, the actress seen on Survival of the Thickest, and the king of Staten Island. She co-hosts That's Messed Up, an SVU podcast with, well, you know what?

Lisa. Hi. I'm actually wearing an ice tea sweatshirt as you introduce my SVU podcast. So I really need to get a life. So the name of your podcast is That's Messed Up, an SVU podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. And writer, comedian...

The worst dates. Those are the worst dates you can... Look at you interrupting the other intros. Oh, sorry. I'm too excited. But I do appreciate the joke. It was a funny tag, Lisa. You're thinking quick.

Speaking of bad dates, have you ever seen Low and Order SVU? Yes. Speaking of bad dates, have you ever seen Low and Order SVU? Yes. And finally, we have writer, comic, journalist, and co-host with Johnny Knoxville of the new podcast, Pretty Sure I Can Fly. It's Elna Baker. Hi. which is on SmartLow so you can get it anywhere you get your podcast. It's me and Johnny Knoxville, also by the people who did 100 Foot Wave. Did you guys see that show? It's amazing.

Like, is that a tsunami? It's a person. It's a show about surfing. Nobody, nobody here would have seen that. But anyway, I have a show. Who do you think would be better at surfing? Like, put us in order of surfing. I think it goes Marie, Matteo. It's Matteo.

It's Matteo and Lisa. I disagree. I think number one would be Lisa. No way. Let's go surfing. Then Marie, then me. Let's fucking take a surf lesson, the three of us, and see who's-

I can't swim. I will die. I can't either. Marie, I can't either. Oh, I was on the swim team. I taught swim lessons. Oh, it's you then. It is you. If you want to do a lesson.

It's Lisa. Damn. I'm Alice Levine. And I'm Matt Ford. And we're the presenters of British Scandal. And in our latest series, Hitler's Angel, we tell the story of scandalous beauty Diana Mosley, British aristocrat, Mitford sister and fascist sympathiser. Like so many great British stories it starts at a lavish garden party. Diana meets the dashing fascist Oswald Mosley. She's captivated by his politics but also by his very good looks. It's not a

classic rom-com story but when she falls in love with Mosley, she's on a collision course with her family, her friends and her whole country. There is some romance though. The couple tied the knot in a ceremony organised by a great uncelebrated wedding planner, Adolf Hitler. So it's less Notting Hill, more Nuremberg. When Britain took on the Nazis, Diana had to choose between love or betrayal. This is the story of Diana Mosley on her journey from glamorous socialite to political prisoner. Listen to British Scandal on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Have you ever felt like escaping to your own desert island? Well, that's exactly what Jane,

Phil and their three kids did when they traded their English home for a tropical island they bought online. But paradise has its secrets, and family life is about to take a terrifying turn. You don't fire at people in that area without some kind of consequence. And he says, yes ma'am, he's dead. There's pure cold-blooded terror running through me. From Wondery, I'm Alice Levine, and this is The Price of Paradise,

the real-life story of an island dream that ends in kidnap, corruption and murder. Follow The Price of Paradise wherever you get your podcasts or binge the entire season right now on Wondry Plus. Lisa, take us through your terrible date. Lisa, take us through your terrible date. Okay, so I think this was last year, maybe two years ago, but I was going to a friend's wedding here in Brooklyn. I was living in LA.

I flew out. I love weddings. I love love. I loved these friends. I spent thousands, right? Flight. I got a room at the Ace. I booked hair and makeup.

I bought a dress that cost $300. Wait, you booked hair and makeup like you're a real housewife of Potomac? Yeah. I had my girl Candace come to the ace hotel. I was just like, I can't wait to go to this wedding. See, you know, post pandemic, I feel like it was a thrill to get out of the house.

Right. Right. I go to the wedding. I smoke too much weed. And then the Lucas Brothers said one thing to me and it made me spiral. It made me spiral. Something about like, I don't even remember, but it just made me feel like I don't belong here. Nobody likes me and I need to get the fuck out of here, which isn't true.

But Lisa, you're in full, you're in full glam. Full glam, full glam. No one belongs more than you. You belong more than the bride babe. I am like, I just start spiraling that nobody wants me at this wedding and it's embarrassing that I would even show up to this wedding. But the groom actually ended up texting, our friend texted being like, where are you?

I escaped to the hotel. I actually texted you Marie and you said, it sounds like you're high. And I was like. And you were. If anybody would know what high sounds like, it's me. I was like, I'm not one of his cousins. I don't feel like I deserve to be at this wedding. Like I just spiraled.

It was a real wake up moment for me. I changed my relationship with weed a lot after that night, but I got home. I also, I ordered all this room service and I was just sitting alone in a dark room, binge eating room service that wasn't even good. And I was like, what has happened to my life? Like this is what is wrong with me? Why am I not with my friends dancing? Like this is, this is not how I need to live my life. So the next day to make up for it, I go, let's get on the apps, let's get fucked.

And then maybe they'll give me a new spring in my step. That always makes up for it. Not therapy, not maybe talking to a friend. No, no, not rest. Not even reaching out to your actual friend saying, forgive me for my behavior. You're like, you know what I need? To get fucked. And my other friend's parents were in town. I was supposed to hang out with them.

I just was spiraling and I was like, I need to get on Tinder. So I got on Tinder. I start messaging with this guy. He's not really what he's will you know he's going to come meet me at the ace. So I go great. Great. Let's then you're like he's not really my type but he had a car so he did it Marie. He took the bus. Oh Lisa. That's not anybody's type. He goes, I'm getting on the bus. I'll be there in 40. So I knew he was taking the bus. And so then he's in the lobby. I go downstairs to meet him.

He's not really kind. Like to me, I need a compliment. Mm-hmm. I want a compliment. Like I want a compliment immediately. One time I had this other date, this girl showed up and legit said, that's what you decided to wear? No.

Oh my God, Lisa, you went on a date with me? That's crazy. But you have looks going on. This woman, whatever. But this guy, she was wearing Old Navy, the conscious collection. She had a longboard skateboard with her. I think I like picked up a vagrant that day,

but it doesn't matter. She had a longboard skateboard with her. I think I like picked up a vagrant that day, but this guy, he's taking the bus. I'm like, okay, whatever. He gets to the hotel and doesn't give you a compliment. There's no compliment. There's no like, oh, huh? Like nothing. And it's like, babe, I'm a sure thing. We're in the lobby of my hotel.

So like, I don't know why you wouldn't razzle dazzle a little bit. I pay for my own drink. He gets a beer, I get my own drink. At that moment, I should have went upstairs, but I'm in a desperate, sad situation. So I go, whatever, he took the bus, he's not financially stable, I'll buy myself a hat. That's not even a rationalization, Lisa.

No. No. He took the bus, he doesn't have any money, I'll buy my own Manhattan, wow. It's just a simple observation. That's like when you get a fortune cookie and it's not a fortune, it's just like a fact. Yeah, exactly.

Right, it's like the sky is blue and you're like, damn. You crack the cookie open and it's like, he took the bus, he doesn't have any money and you can buy your own drink and you're like, Oh, I guess I can. You think Lee, you think Lee is going to say, he took the bus, he didn't cop with me. Uh, I was going to buy my own drink. You think you're going to be like, so I'm out of here.

She's like, well, get upstairs. Get in here. Then I know like the back of his like butt to back is a little hair. Like I'm not into this. I do not like him, but I just wanted some validation. I just I it was a sick situation. Lisa, who will play him in a movie? I would say Jack Black without any charm or sex appeal.

So Jack Black? No, I think. You said sex appeal? So Jack Black. No, I think... I think... Oh! You said sex appeal? I think Jack Black is like, yeah, I like a burly guy. Like, I was okay with it, but he just wasn't giving. And then after 20 minutes, I looked at him and I went, you know you haven't asked me one question.

Hmm. And then he gaslights me and goes, I did ask you and you ignored it. But I know he didn't. Like like it's sick that I am there. It is sickening. Girl, you should have gone back to the wedding venue. I'm sure you would have had a nicer time. The next day. Why are you here? And so I get and then he finally for the third drink, he pays for my drink.

We're sitting now that I'm a little tipsy, we're having fun. Then I find out his he's a manager to a hip hop nerd comedian. Oh, rapper, something like that. And that we know. I don't know. I have no idea. No, I don't think so, because I don't look at us like some nerd. But, you know, he's just not I don't like him at all in any capacity, but I'm like trying to force myself to be like, just have sex with him, it'll be okay.

So then we decide to go smoke weed outside of the hotel. Girl. And he goes- The real culprit. Yeah. And he goes, yes. And he goes, hey, I have to tell you something. I go, yeah? He goes, I'm just really not into this.

Oh, and I go, the nerve. I go, Oh, okay. He goes, Yeah, it just hit me. I just I'm not I'm not into it. I'm not feeling it. And I go, Are you kidding? He says no. So I say, Well, thanks for being honest.

I guess I'll go. And I turn around to go back into the hotel and he goes, I'm kidding. And I said, well, I asked if you were kidding and you said, no, like a prank and joke only work if you get away with it. I caught on. So just admit it at this point. And so I said that I go, well, I asked and you didn't admit it. And he goes, it's a joke. Aren't you a comedian? Don't you understand jokes?

And then, you know, guys don't once a girl's a comic, it's like, I can do it. People say, I'm fine. You know, they try to admit they can't understand that I'm a respected professional business. Yes. Right. I just the escalation is so. But also there's something to be. Contrary to all evidence. But there's also something to be said about when someone says that they don't like you,

it makes you want them to like you more. No, Maria, I want to go back on Lisa's point. That's very good. Lisa said that She left a beautiful she left a beautiful wedding in full glam in a $300 gown Lisa first paid an absorbent amount of money More than the bride for this wedding for glam for the hotel

She goes to the wedding, she gets too high. She makes up, no one wants her there. She goes back to the hotel. She eats a bunch of food she hates. She gets on Tinder and she goes, how dare this man not respect me. I'm a respected woman in this. I respect me. I'm a respected woman in this.

I'm a respected woman in the comedy space. I'm a respected woman in the comedy space. I'm a respected woman in the comedy space. Oh, Lisa, I haven't laughed like a swoon. Meanwhile, you both hate each other. You hate each other. Yes. We hate each other.

And I go, no, I get jokes, but it's like, it's not funny. And he goes, you know, if you're for censorship, you're either for all jokes or no jokes. I go, this isn't about censorship. I just it wasn't funny to me. You said you didn't want to date with Joe Rogan. Who are you? So quick to get that we jumped in an ice bath. Yeah. So. So I go, no, I get jokes.

That wasn't really a joke. I didn't laugh. Like I'm allowed to not laugh. You're allowed to not like stuff. I'm not censoring you. And this was around like a few months after the Oscars with the slap. So he goes, you're like Will Smith, you know,

just trying to tell Chris Rock he can't do jokes. You need to accept all jokes or no, trying to lecture me and it's like. He said all jokes matter to you. Girl. Girl. Flipping out about comedy and it's just like, bitch, I know Chris Rock.

You know what I mean? Like it is crazy. And so I just went, okay, all right. And he goes, did I just fuck this up? I go, yes, sir, you did. Yeah. Yeah. I like you're lucky I'm going through a mental health crisis that I've put up with all this for hours.

And then I went back upstairs upset that I smoked weed again and going, what is wrong with me? And then that was that. And just seeing the hair from the back with no break go straight into the butt, you know, like it was. He was wearing he was also wearing a small shirt. I think it was ill fit. You know, I think he had on a Mariah Carey shirt.

Touch my body. A belly shirt. Yeah, we'll be right back. I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we're exploring the life of Cleopatra. An iconic life full of romances, sieges, and tragedy. But who was the real Cleopatra?

It feels like her story's been told by others with their own agenda for centuries. But her legacy is enduring, and so we're going to dive into how her story has evolved all the way up to today. I am so excited to talk about Cleopatra, Peter. Love Cleopatra. She is an icon. She's the most famous woman in antiquity. It's got to be up there with the most famous woman of all time. But

I think there's a huge gap between how familiar people are with the idea of her compared to what they actually know about her life and character. So for Pyramids, Cleopatra and Cleopatra's nose. Follow Legacy Now wherever you get your podcasts. Or you can binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wandery Plus. We are really excited about our latest season because we are talking about someone very, very special. You're so sweet. A fashion icon. Well, actually, just put this on.

A beautiful woman. Your words, not mine. Someone who came out of Croydon and took the world by storm. Kate Anna, don't tell them where I live. A muse, a mother, and a supermodel who defined the 90s. I don't remember doing the last one. Wow, Emily, not you. Obviously I mean Kate Moss.

Oh, I always get us confused. Because you're both so small. How dare you. We are going to dive back into Kate's 90s heyday and her insatiable desire to say yes to absolutely everything life has to offer. The parties, the Hollywood heartthrobs, the rockstar bad boys.

Have I said parties? You did mention the parties, but saying yes to excess comes at a price as Kate spirals out of control and risks losing everything she's worked for. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Apple podcasts or the Wondery app. Mateo, let's go through your bad date. Tell us what happened. Set the scene, paint the picture. What is the story, please?

I had just moved to New York City and I was, this guy was like, Oh, do you like he seemed to anyone who lived in New York for more than five years just makes it seem like, okay, they're like an expert to New York City and this guy was like, anyone who lived in New York for more than five years just makes it seem like, okay, they're like an expert at New York. So it was probably, it was September 2012 and he asked me out on a date. And so first we went to the High Line. So we go to the High Line and the conversation is just kind of awkward because at the time

when you say you're a comedian but you're just doing open mics and you have to explain what comedy is and it's, you know, albeit it's embarrassing from my side, I had a mullet. So, um, but I remember he, but already he was too serious too quickly because I remember it was like dusk and we were sitting there and we were talking and he was like, you know what? I remember moving to New York, like trying to talk to me

about what this experience is gonna be like. I wanna be like, bitch, I'm from Chicago. Like I know what his city is. He's like, I remember my first move to New York and you know what really helped get me through the city with all the trials and tribulations? I was like, what? He was like this song.

And he started playing Mariah Carey's Make It Happen. Now, I love Mariah Carey. I've seen her live 14 times, which I understand I'm an enabler at this point. Wait, 14 times is not an exaggeration? No, I've seen her live. The first time I went and saw her at the Math Space in a Mimi concert at the United Center with my friend Sophia.

And she was late and a gay guy yelled behind us, your hair looks fine. Matteo and I have gone to see Mariah Carey the last two Christmases. And she was two hours late the first year and the second year. I got there an hour late, cause I was like, I'm not sitting there.

And as soon as I got there, she got on stage. The show started. I will say the one time Marie's scheduling comes in handy is if you're going to see Mariah. Mariah Carey. You can't outlay the late girl. He started playing make it to see Mariah. Mariah Carey. You can't outlay the late girl. He started playing Make It Happen. And I love Mariah Carey, but it is embarrassing

to be on the highlight with a bunch of tourists walking by and this guy's trying to be so serious. But it's also not a metaphor type song. It's truly make it happen. Can you not listen to Butterfly? There's just more creativity. It's so silly. Yeah, it's very Butterfly? Like, there's just more creativity. It's so silly. Yeah, it's a very, I'm nervous.

Butterfly's about a breakup. In the music video, she's riding a horse. I mean, I don't know. Right. But she says, once you oughta let it go to come back. What's the one where she's in a little shirt and the jeans and she's sat in an apartment? She's always in a little shirt. Every single one.

Heartbreaker? Like, every video she's wearing a tiny baby blouse. What are the lyrics to make it happen? So, um, uh, not more than three show years ago, I was abandoned and alone without a pen it to my name. So very young and so afraid, no proper shoes upon my feet. Sometimes I couldn't even need. I. By the way, Mariah only suffered for about six months. I often cry myself to sleep. Still, I have to keep on going. And so, you know, I guess the song does make sense, but I'm thinking like, OK,

Mariah's live version at like the Madison Square Garden 1995 is a lot better than the recorded version. But like, you know, I'm like, that's a really great motto. Thanks. I love Mariah Carey. So then I was like, well, we should go get something to eat. And his energy is just so serious. And I just, I, I, I'm uncomfortable around people that serious because I want to make jokes and I make jokes and they just stare at you and you, you know, you're like a monster. So then I realized he has like some kind of eating phobia where like, and I get that that people have

like a fear, like I don't like trying a lot of new foods, you know, but I do try them. But I'm not. Anyway, we went to get Thai food. I was like, OK, let's just go to a Thai restaurant. We found one in Hell's Kitchen and we're eating Thai food. And I ordered Patsy, which is almost the fettuccine Alfredo of Thai food. I mean, so basic. I'm white. I don't know anything about your culture. Just give

me the thing that tastes like the thing that I know what's the thing. And I think he ordered just chickens, the chicken skewers with peanut sauce. And I said, do you want to try mine? And he goes like that. Just shakes his head no. And I go, the appetizer he didn't want to try either. I said, you don't want to try this either? Just kept shaking his head, no, like a little kid. The way you're shaking your head should be described. It's like a tiny mouth, it's like a little boy. Yeah. Yeah, it's a staring mate with complete fear in his eye.

He looked like a 45-year-old white woman on Fear Factor who was doing this for fun, so the neighborhood kids could know who she was, and now she's being presented whether you're gonna eat a cockroach or like... Or cow testicles. You know, right. You know, and so that was, and I was like, what?

And I was like, oh, but it's like, you could just try it. Do you want broccoli? Like, do you want that? No, no, no, no, no, no. He's like, okay, fine. So clearly he ate almost nothing. So I was like, well, we should go get dessert. So we went to go get ice cream.

And then he started, I guess he was trying to act like he was happy. So as we were walking, there was literally like a window, he just pointed the window, he goes, Do you think someone lives there? What? Where was the window? It was a New York City window pointed at apartment, just like frantically trying to make conversation, and that's all he could come up with. And I was like, well, now I'm mad.

Now I have a rage building inside of me. So then we go and get ice cream. So he likes the ice cream. He's eating the ice cream. It was chocolate ice cream, and the ice cream is smearing. You think you would make this up, and this all happened within about an hour and a half. The ice cream is all over his face. He was like the Joker, but just brown.

I mean, just like smeared over his face. And I thought, I'm just not gonna tell him. I'm just gonna let it. Was it a cone? Was it a cup? Was he shoving his face in it? Cone, chocolate cone. Yes, chocolate cone.

I thought, so you have never eaten before, like at a restaurant, or you're too afraid to, and now you've gotten ice cream like a four-year-old After soccer practice where you've done nothing and that's your reward you slathered ice cream all over your face So now we're walking back towards his apartment. I'm like Lee is attractive So I should at least like you know have like that ice cream off his face I didn't know how to bring it up Lisa it literally No, I'm holding back pukes. I've gagged maybe four times.

Well, the final one is... Dried dairy on a face. That's gross. Dried dairy on a grown man's face. Yeah. Grown Elizabeth man's face. Grown Elizabeth man. And what season was this?

This was like spring, summer? September. This is September. So it's still warm. It's New York, it's warm. Are people looking at him as you guys pass? Like people are seeing this? I'm certainly looking at him. I'm certainly judging him. And you know, he's just pointing at windows saying,

do people live there? It's like, well, I don't know, buddy. We're in New York. My guess is yes. So we're walking to his apartment and he gets, he's still hungry. So he goes, do you want to stop off to get food real quick?

I'm full. I had my dinner, my appetizer, my ice cream. He's obviously still hungry. All he's had is sugar. So where does he take me? McDonald's, lower East side McDonald's. The one on Delancey? Yes. Yes, that is the one. Yeah. And then he gets to a 10 piece McNugget and a large fry. And so as we're walking back to his apartment, that's what he's eating. And then by the time we get to his steps,

he's like ready for me to come upstairs, like his Carrie Bradshaw moment. And I just said, I can't. And he was like, why? And I was like, I just can't. And I walked home, we never spoke again. But I wonder if he got home and then saw the chocolate on his face and went, oh no.

Yes, how could you miss it? But also if he got home and then saw the chocolate on his face and went, Oh no. Yes. How could you miss it? But also if he was about to fuck, why would you eat all those McNuggets? Also, it wouldn't be good if he ate me out because afterwards when he looked in the mirror, I would look the fool. So I'm not going to like... I love a good parasocial relationship with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows?

Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane too. Can't wait to see you. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day.

I don't know her. We all just have to admit, we're addicted. Everybody has opinions. Everyone picks sides. Leave Britney Spears alone right now. From Wondry, I'm Sydney Battle. And I'm Matt Bellassai. And this is Diss and Tell.

Where we unpack why we get so invested in these feuds and whether or not our attention only makes the whole thing worse. Follow Diss and Tell wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Elna Baker, and we have a new podcast that's called Pretty Sure I Can Fly. Yep, we've teamed up with my friends and bar mates from SmartList to create a podcast where we talk to folks who have more balls than a bowling alley.

People who accomplish something extraordinary despite people telling them that it couldn't or shouldn't be done. You'll hear stories about the Air Force doctor who buckled into a 600 mile per hour rocket sled and became the fastest man on the planet. And a man who wrestles alligators and sharks for fun. Do not do this. You'll hear about a foul-mouthed moonshiner. Got a two-inch dick and a six-inch tongue and knows how to use both of them.

And an even more foul-mouthed female stunt pilot. We got bull riders. Balloonists. Bop sledders. And big wave surfers. and even more foul-mouthed female stunt pilot. We got bull riders. Balloonists. Bops letters. And big wave surfers. People who lay their balls on an anvil and hand the other fellow the hammer. Okay, I bet you've actually done that, Johnny.

Maybe for sweeps. Follow Pretty Sure I Can Fly on the Wondery app. Or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to Pretty Sure I Can Fly early and ad free right now on Wondery Plus. Bad Dates. Tell us about your bad date, Elna. We're waiting with bated breath. So I used to be married and I was so terrified of leaving my husband, even though it was

very clear I needed to. He hadn't been employed for six and a half years. Like we weren't- Years. Years, six and a half years. We weren't having sex, we weren't getting along. But like I was terrified of being single because I was about to turn 40. I grew up Mormon and like your whole thing is like,

be married, you know, you're supposed to get married. And I was like, oh, if I become single, what if I never meet someone? What if I'm alone forever? What if I can't have kids? All this stuff is going through my head. But I end the marriage and it's devastating. I'm super sad. I wake up the next morning and I'm like, that was a huge mistake. Actually, like, I want to stay married.

I can't believe I said that, like, back seas, take it back. And my husband was like, I signed up for a 10-day silent meditation retreat. I'm going to leave tomorrow. You need to think about what you actually want. And when you come back, make your decision. So like, poof, he's gone. Well, who was going to pay for the 10-day meditation? I think he got like... Or do they not ask them for money because it's silent,

because you said he didn't have a job. It was free. He got like a free slot on this thing. He got a scholarship. So suddenly, like I'm alone with my thoughts, myself, and I'm like crying every day. I'm super depressed. And like the sixth day of this,

I had to fly to go do a show and I'm on this airplane I'm like literally snot crying listening to like books on tape about like meditation to like calm myself and the book I'm listening to is saying you know tap into your body get present and I'm doing this and all of a sudden I'm like I feel funny of a sudden I'm like, I feel funny. Is there a hot man next to me? And I hadn't even clocked him.

I always clock fuck this guy. Like, I just wanted this guy, right? So I take my arm and I press it against his arm on the armrest to see if he pulls away and he doesn't pull away. So I'm like, okay, he's into this. But then after like 10 minutes, I was like, I don't think he knows I'm doing this. So I start a conversation.

We end up talking, it's like a five hour flight. We talk the entire flight. So I start a conversation. We end up talking, it's like a five hour flight. We talk the entire flight. He's a white guy. He's like 10 years younger than me. He lives in Peru. better books than that, but in a game. He doesn't have any Dr. Seuss at his house. This is cool. So we get off the flight, he walks me into my connecting gate and he's like, I feel like I know your whole life story, is there anything about you I don't know?

And I'm like, the only thing you don't know is that I find you very attractive. Oh, that's gay. I'm taking notes. Were you drinking on the flight? I was gonna say, you live more of a gay life than I do. I'm just throwing that out there right now. So, and he's like, I think you're beautiful.

And then he's like, you know what, fuck it. And he just grabs me and he kisses me. And he leaves. And then I open my phone, I turn my phone back on. All my texts to my girlfriends have been like, I'm dying, I'm so sad. And then I just write like, I just kissed a guy at the airport.

And they were like, what a difference a flight makes. And then he texts me and he's like, so nice to meet you. And I was like, I wish I could kiss you again. And then I'm like texting with my girlfriends and I look up and literally the dude is running, running through the airport like they do in the rom-com. And he runs up and he like kisses me really dramatically and then he leaves.

Again? Again, yeah. And I was like, okay, whoa. Like, and in my head, there's just like, I feel alive again and I'm like, wait, sometimes you just have to close one door for the other door to open. Like, I can't believe it.

I met someone. So. Yeah. Sometimes you have to close one door for your legs to open. I believe that's what it says. It says in Leviticus. Yeah, yeah. First Corinthians, I believe. So we are texting and talking on the phone the next three days. And then I, you know, I have to go back to New York and I'm like, my husband gets out of the silent meditation retreat. He calls and I'm like, Oh, this is wrong. What I'm doing is wrong. So I tell the guy I need to end my marriage. I go back to New York.

My husband picks me up at the airport. I break up with him that night again, officially. And then I move out like the next day. And I start texting, calling like the next day. a voice note of myself orgasming. And at the end I said, this is for you. And then I sent it to him, which by the way, it's evergreen and I have sent it to three people since. Wait, how long is the voice memo? 62 minutes long.

One Titanic. So he's about to go back to Peru and he's like, you know, I want to have a long-distance relationship, but maybe we should just see if this works. You know, I've been two weeks since I've left my husband and he's like, what if I fly to New York? I'll spend five days like a romantic trip with you and then I'll go back to Peru. So then I go and I pick'll go back to Peru. And I was like, oh, oh wait. Oh no. So he kisses me and I hug him and we get in the cab. We're headed back to this apartment where I have told him,

just you wait, I'm going to do all this nasty stuff, whatever, we're in the cab and I'm just like, what am I doing? First of all, how did I leave my husband, I left my husband for this stranger. And so we get back to the apartment and it's late, so we go to get in bed. And I'm already in my head, I'm like, what am I, how am I gonna get out of this? So I'm like, I'm so sorry. It's so weird, but like, I feel married still. And I feel like I'd be cheating on my husband if I slept with you.

And I'm sure that feeling will go away. But like, I don't know. I just want to let you know. Like, I don't know how much I want to do, right? So then I, he's like, it's fine. Just take it slow, whatever you want, right? So we go to get in bed. He takes off his shirt. much I want to do, right? So then I, he's like, it's fine, just take it slow, whatever you want, right? So we go to get in bed.

He takes off his shirt. He has a tattoo across his entire chest of the continent of Africa, and it says Africa. This thing, hold on. Someone didn't know the shape. Right. Like that's such a hat on the hat. That was a tattoo artist assuring people know what he drew. He's like, can you draw Africa? someone didn't know the shape.

He's like, can you draw Africa? And then he wrote it and the guy was like, no, I mean, draw it. And he was like, I'll draw it on top. So I was like, and he's a white guy. And like, I just was like, I can't I can't I can't fuck this guy. I can't what am I doing? I can't fuck this guy. I can't fuck this guy. I can't, what am I doing? I can't fuck this guy. And so I am like, oh, you know, I think I need to sleep in the other room. So I- Wait, did you ask him about the tattoo?

What inspired? I did. Okay. It was, he said his younger sister served a mission, like a Christian mission in Africa and was really moved by the entire continent. I don't know. So instead of him going to Africa to see, he was like, I'm just going to put it on my body.

Because my sister had a good time. This story was so good. Yeah. So I go to the other room. I go to sleep. I wake up in the morning. And I wake up like. His sister better be dead is all I'm saying.

She's alive. That better be a memorial tattoo. So I wake up the next morning and the part of me that like needed to replace my husband immediately with like another man was like, no, no, no, no. You like this guy. Like you want this. Right. So I go climb in bed, I start kissing him and I just can't like, I'm just not into it. He turns to me and he goes, I love you. And I was like, oh no, like two weeks,

I've known you for two weeks, you don't know. Yeah, but you said it was a five hour flight, he fell in love on the flight. I was like, you don't love me, and he was like, yes, I love you. This is what every Rihanna song is about. Rihanna. He said that? I love Rihanna song is about. Rihanna. He said that?

I love Rihanna as much as the next person, but we're pulling her up first. Fall in love in a hopeless place. Wow, thank you for sharing that. Honestly, I think you might've been his bad date. I think I am. In this story, I am the worst date. Bad dates.

Let's get your projects. What are we working on? Where can people catch you? I guess we'll start with Lisa. Lisa, tell people where they can catch you, where they can watch you, and what you got coming up. I'm at Glitter Cheese on Instagram, and I have a podcast that's messed up. And, you know, I have a link tree tree and that's where all my dates are.

I'm always on tour, running around, and we're about to shoot Survival of the Thickest Season 2. So really excited to be in the presence of Michelle Butoh again. I know, I love her, she's so great. Elna, where can people catch you? What you got going on? I'm the co-host of Pretty Sure I Can Fly,

which is on SmartList. You can get it anywhere you get your podcast. It's me and Johnny Knoxville, and it's a show about people who've done things in human history no one ever has done. So first, they're amazing stories. So yeah, listen. Is he so hot in person?

He's very cute. He's very cute. He's very funny. Mateo Elizabeth Lane, tell the people where we can catch you, and it's many places, so that's why we saved you for last. I'm on tour. You can get all tickets at MateoLaneComedy.com or follow me on Instagram or TikTok at MateoLane. Oh, that was short.

Well, and YouTube. Let's not, I mean... And YouTube, yeah. Mateo Lane on YouTube as well. Thank you guys so much for listening to Bad Dates. Hopefully you go on only good dates this week and if they're bad, you write us a letter and tell us how terrible it was. Bye. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery.

Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant. Engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Spartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky.

Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder. If you've had a bad date, please share it with us at 984-265-3283, or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Bad Dates. Smart. Blast.

Media. Hello, Prime members. You can listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app now. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone.

You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone.

You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. You can also download the Amazon Music app on your phone. Hello, Prime members. You can listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or, you can listen early and ad-free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. I'm Shimon Liayi, and I have a new podcast called The Competition. Every year, 50 high school senior girls compete in a massive scholarship competition.

I wouldn't say I have an ego problem, but I'm extremely competitive. All of the competitors are used to being the best and the brightest, and they're all vying for a huge cash prize. This will probably be the most intense thing you've ever gone through in your life. I remember that feeling, because I was one of them. I lost. But now, I'm coming back as a judge, and also a kind of teen girl anthropologist. Because if you want to understand what it's like to be a young woman in America today, The competition's not a bad place to start. Hopefully no one will die on station night.

From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondry, this is The Competition. Follow The Competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Competition early and ad free right now by joining Wondry+.