Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Hot Girl Revenant (w/ Jenny Zigrino, Vir Das, and Kelsey Cook)

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Jenny Zigrino (Pause with Sam Jay, FabUless), Vir Das (Whiskey Cavalier, Fresh Off The Boat), and Kelsey Cook (Wrists Of Fury) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Jenny tries to take care of business surrounded by four legs of fury, Vir Das tells us about a sweaty date that got hot for the wrong reason, and Kelsey loses something in the translation. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.The latest Vir Das Netflix special is called Landing and is streaming now, tour dates are available at VirDas.In. Jenny Zigrino co-hosts the podcast Gaudy Positive, her special Jen-Z is available on YouTube, and you can find her standup dates at JennyZigrino.com. Kelsey Cook’s special The Hustler is available on YouTube, and tickets for upcoming shows are at KelseyCook.com.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sometimes when I would have a boyfriend, they would come over and when we were making out in the couch, I would like, she could be on the other side of the couch, but I would have to touch her so she would just stop barking. Oh, this is fun. I know. Look, come on, do it. We're just making out on the couch. Yeah, relax. Take your judgments away. No, no, it's more, no, I'm not judging you. I'm judging the dog having to be like reassured that like, I am judging you. Yeah, I've got- So, I'll be the one.

That's fine. I'll do it. Yeah, I'm a dog who also likes to try to interrupt any mild moment of affection that my boyfriend and I have. So I get it. It's just intense. Thank you. I like to interrupt dogs when they're hooking up.

Like, I want them to put a phone on me. That's what I do. I'm like, no, I go to dog parks and I'm like, no. Yeah, dates. Bad dates. Jenny, Veer and Kelsey, I'm so thrilled to have you here. This is always a personal subject I want to bad dates, but I feel like it is a unifying and democratic space because everyone, everyone is prone to a terrible experience and the pursuit of love.

And so this is just where we're coming together to share those stories, to bond over them, to cry, to laugh, to cringe as one. And so before I get into your stories, I just want to know what your relationships are with dating. So Jenny, how do you feel about dating? I'm going straight in with you. What a question. But how do you get some people, love it, some people hate it. And what do you feel like it's like to experience dating you?

So it takes very much dating me. It's a wild fun ride that is great and you will be loved and you will be treated nicely. And I also roast the shit out of you and probably make fun of you a lot. And a lot of men can't handle it. A lot of men. I've been broken up with because I didn't do mean. Oh, sure. Okay.

I did call him a beta cuck a lot, but it was fun. It was fun. It was fun. That's a great band name, by the way. Ladies and gentlemen, beta cuck. Absolutely. Is there a bunch of guys watching other people play instruments. I try and convince women to make me their project. I think that's my dating life. Can I please convince you to fix me?

Do you fake what's broken or do you just present what's broken? No need to fake any of the broken shit it is it is very visible but no I I've not dated that much I think I'm you know grew up a little conservative in you know Delhi and Mumbai so I've maybe been on four dates my entire life for like five dates my entire life and but then I've I've stumbled into a lot of relationships like that's that's my way I just can't oh my girlfriend and boyfriend now, okay, now this is the thing. But I officially, maybe four or five dates, I'm very bad. This feels like a very male experience.

I'm just gonna put it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just like, this has just happened upon a full-on relationship, you know? And then, I just put on like five dates and it's kind of like whatever. And then suddenly just, you know, fell into the best experience ever. No big deal.

I wish I could tell you that it was it was whatever but it was not whatever it was hell. More for her than for me and I think she was just like let me make him a boyfriend so he never has to do this ever again. Anybody ever again because I'm terrible at it. Women can smell like a Joanne Fab on a man, like we can tell you are a project. I'm getting up my little crinkle cut scissors. And we love it.

But I feel like the women who love that the most are in their 20s. You know what I mean? I think the more you learn to respect yourself, the less you want projects. Yeah, yeah, I don't want a job unless I'm being paid. So that's where I'm at now, but I'm also an old lady. So it's different vibes.

Different vibes. But you know what, congratulations for your congratulations. Thank you, thank you. Kelsey, what about you? What's your relationship to dating? Yeah, so I actually was in a very long-term relationship, got married. So I was with somebody for eight years,

met when I was 22. So I was never on the dating apps, had very little dating experience. And then I actually got divorced a week before COVID hit. And such if those stories. Yeah, summer was really how. Oh my God, it was a hot girl three year winter, like hot girl hibernation. Fuck, hot girl, a revenant, just like Leo, Dick Afrio.

Lying inside of a horse. Sleeping in the air in the woods. And you thought I was a project? Just by the way. Yes. So, which when you tell people that you got divorced a week before COVID, it's a very device of some people are like, oh man, I bet that was amazing timing. Then you weren't married and like stuck in the house together. But it also, I mean,

I've kind of felt like that was one of the hardest times that you could get divorced is because usually if you go through something like that, you're like, okay, I'm going to go to Vegas with my friends. I'm going to go home and visit family. it was just Trap inside alone with your thoughts and feelings like it felt very Like a guy fiery reality show like like extreme demolisher something like it was just like really Intense it just yeah, so that was and then I started to dabble in dating During the pandemic doing like FaceTime dates and so on. Oh, that's fucking wild, given that you hadn't done the apps, you hadn't done technology dating and then straight into like FaceTime wanking. Obviously, I'm not presuming that you

actually did the wanking on FaceTime necessarily, although no shame in the wanking game. But that is really fucking intense. Yes. Congratulations for coming to the other side of it. And thank you still being alive. Thank you. Very proud of everyone. Less so here but you know why. No, I know. But you landed on your feet and so it's aspirational. Still wanking. Still wanking. Well, the makin' together. Bad dates! Daddy, we're going with your story first. It's called Uninvited Guests. Tell me everything. Okay, so let's just start off saying that old Zagreno here

is on all the apps, has been doing all the apps, okay? And there's a lot to choose from now. There didn't used to be. It was just kind of like Tinder and then Tinder Bumble. And now there's everything in this specific date started off. It was a field date. Do you guys know what field is? Tell everyone what field is?

I do because I have a saucy roommate, but go on. Oh, yeah, oh, maybe I've seen your saucy roommate. Maybe maybe the first in the story is your saucy roommate No, so field field is a app that is At first was for like couples and people trying to find a third. Now it's just for like kind of people who want to explore sexuality a little more on the kinky side. Some very much on the kinky side. That's not where I the realm that I live in, but it's okay. No kinky adjacent. You would say? I would say I'm very much kinky adjacent. It starts off with this kink app and it's mostly for hookups. So I at the time this was I mean it was like before the pandemic so it was 27 years ago and

I met this guy on field and so it's very much like okay, we're gonna meet up hookup. The vibes are good. It's gonna be a fun time It might be a one-night stand It might not be we might be friends with Bennett. It's dead at it. I would ever so I made it with this guy and Conversations going well. We go to the bar. We go to button mash to you guys know what that is. It's a place You know what I love to do? Teach people things. That's also my cake. So you guys are in my world now.

So fun, Mash, it's a arcade game. It sounds like jizzing into someone's belly button. Is it my brain? Yeah, it's just pushing it. Yeah, that's right. Also, when people hook up in a field, that's a Bollywood movie. Just by the way,

I'm just saying that's the plot of every movie. So maybe you're in my world right now. You just say, you know, maybe, yeah, this is actually the answer Bollywood King's app. Yeah. Also, by the way, just in defense of like field, because I think sometimes people think field has a weird rep because of the fact that everyone's quite explicit on it,

more so than other apps, you know exactly what you're getting and you are opting in to an experience that is, well, rep within reason like, you've got to choose your own adventure with field. People have been like, you've shown your face on field. It's like, yeah, what do you think Tinder or any of these dating apps are? It's to meet someone to eventually touch janitors. Mm-hmm. To smash buttons. To smash buttons. To smash I'm just being like, to match buttons. To match buttons, I'm like, here are the buttons,

I won't match, and if you wanna match those buttons, great, and then we'll talk about our relationship, but let's make sure we match the same buttons. So, you gotta get the good dynamic. So, I mean, I'm there, we go to this place, I'm in a very nerdy guy, he's a nerdy guy, great, very excited, things are going's a nerdy guy, great, very excited. Things are going well, have a drink, and I'm like, all right, let's go back to my place.

We go back to my place. I have a dog that is a love of my life. Okay, her name is Lupé. She is a sweet lady to me and not to anybody else. And I think I'd warned this person, and like, hey, I have this dog, you're just gonna bark whatever. And he's like, oh, that's fine. You know, guys, don't care. What kind of dog is Lupé? It's a pug Chihuahua.

Okay. So that's a loud bark as well. Like that's a high-pitched, louder, piercing bark. I don't know, her bark's really weird. Her bark, a pug bark is like a girl laying. Because it's stifled, isn't it? Stifled because of the, because of the nose. Yes. But also, I feel like people take it as a challenge of like, that dog's gonna love me. And then

she's gonna love me, you know, no one. Dog was for exactly. Really, what you want when you're hooking up is to hear what sounds like an old man in the corner watching you and just kidding with them. Hey, hey, also a Hollywood movie. Oh, I'm so done. So let me fucking this field. No, so then he comes over. We're doing stuff.

One of the things that she does is she doesn't like when people touch. So immediately we're just like, again, she's like, no, not. She starts barking. I'm like, hey man, she's like, no, not me. She starts barking. I'm like, hey man, I'm sorry, we can go something else. No, no, it's fine, it's fine. Okay, so we try making out, she's not about it. Sometimes, I hate admitting this, but sometimes,

when I would have a boyfriend, they would come over, and when we were making out in the couch, I would like, she could be on the other side of the couch But I would have to touch her so she would just stop barking. Oh This is I know look, come on. Do it. We're just making out on the couch. Yeah relax take your judgments away No, no, it's more no, I'm not judging you. I'm judging the dog having to be like reassured that I am judging you Yeah, I'm good So I'll be the one. That's fine. I am judging you. Yeah, I'm going to be the one.

That's fine. I'll do it. Yeah, I am a dog who also likes to try to interrupt any mild moment of affection that my boyfriend and I have. So I get it. It's just intense. I like to interrupt dogs when they're hooking up. Like I want them to put a phone and that's what I do. I go to dog parks and I'm like, no, you will give me one for why you're doing it. Yeah, they have to lick their while they're bucking.

Go on. I will say just as a fun little side, I did talk to a dog psychic because, you know, I live in L.A. And she said that my dog thinks that she's my girlfriend and that's why she doesn't like anyone Which I was like cool cool cool cool. I'm not gonna think about that, but so stuff stuff starts happening Like let's go to the bedroom and we'll close the door and she won't and she'll leave us alone and I have full faith that she'll get tired This bitch does not get tired. We are in the bedroom and it is just screaming and crying and crying. And her cry is like, Devastate, not like a cute dog cry. It's like, it's like, it's like she's screaming. So we're doing stuff and the music can't drown it out and I'm just like, look dude, I know

this is weird and you're not going to like it because I don't like it either. But do you mind if she comes into the bedroom because I cannot come with the sounds of my dogs screaming in the background? And like, I know you can't either. So let's just insist. But if he was like, that's actually the only way I come. Yeah. I actually kind of can we keep her out there? Cause this is why I'm on field is like not as much. I'm so hard.

So we invite him in invite him to invite her in. Okay. And she is like, whining. I'm like, oh my god, this is so frustrating. And also too, she's whining inside the room. Yeah, she's whining inside the room and like, screaming about whining, screaming and just like up on the bed being like, let me on. And I was like, I hate this, but I want to get fucked. I know he wants to get fucked. It's it's been a while, whatever. So it's like, okay, she's going to be on the bed. She'll stand in the court. She'll sit on the corner of the bed. She won't bother us. And he goes, okay, so she gets on. She goes the corner, faces away from us. Just she just wants to guard. Just to make sure. Everything's above

board. So I'm like, fine, okay, so things are going going well and then it's to the time when he's gonna go down on me and I'm like cool This is great. So the way the bed is Where his head is and my pelvis are are directly aligned with lube. She's looking away because she's polite And at one point she does let out a very big fart And at one point, she does let out a very big fart. And it's right in her near his face. And I start laughing. I get to fart joke in the bedroom. It's, Kelsey, your face.

What were you, but are you also trying to laugh so hard to make sure that he knows that that was the dog and not you? Like, isn't it funny what the dog just did? You know what, if I fart in his face, he should be so lucky. Okay. Oh, okay.

Maybe that was on your field list. So, he find it funny that the dog has farted. No, of course not. But it's not for him, this is for me. Yeah. So, I think he was just like, all right, this is where I am. So, she farts, I laugh. We take a little minute break,

settle that down, we get into it, things are going well, okay? And to his credit, he's doing a great job. And so, I get very excited when the finale happens, and I am a loud person, And so I got very excited, you know, told him that I had finished in the way that I do. And Loupé thought I was being attacked, so she bit his face. So she... fights his face. She crawls over my pelvis to like attack him and fight his face. And then I like lips. I live so she'll stop it. He goes back. I'm like, oh my god. And then I just, I'm

like, this is really funny. I'm still laughing. He was like, oh, it's on. Yeah. Okay. That's fine. And I was like, all right. I'll do you now. So what do you want done? And then having sex? This is amazing. Go on. Well, what am I going to do? Stop and be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Is he bleeding or is it just a nail?

No, no, she's going to be okay. Any mouth. She's like the, you know, like the daddy long lives that can't actually bite. It's just a tiny thing. Okay. Only men will get bit by a dog. In the face. in the face.

In the face. But if there's sex around the corner, we'll be like, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine. Please don't stop. Blow job you say. I said, I said, I'm sorry. And then we calmed down. I was like, she thought that you were attacking me.

Sorry, my dog is broken. And then we continued, did our thing, he did his thing, he left, and I told my friends about it, and I thought it would be funny for them. And they were like, Jayne, that's terrifying. That's a terrible story.

And I was like, well, we'll see if he calls back. Did he? No. I mean I'm kind of amazed that I, especially if I, if I had a penis, I feel like I would put that shit away so fast if the dog near me is, and I, I don't mean this in a hurtful way, but slightly unhinged, even though I do understand where the dog's coming from. She's a little... She's a little... She thinks she's my girlfriend.

Yeah, jealous. And I feel that. But for him to get the most sensitive parts of his body, is that, imagine having your bollocks exposed with a dog that has already shown like significant... The food dog to bite you in the face is pretty fucking serious. Like that's not a dog that's going for your leg. Like that is death, that means war. I'm impressed, I'm impressed.

It's an extraordinary what people will do when they have the like the nut mist. You know the, as a man, you've got a drain, you've got a drain. Yeah. If you give me a choice between face bite or dick bite from a dog, I think face. I'm just going to be honest.

Yeah, obviously. I'm saying it just because of the huge risk that the dick is next. So what does she do after she bit in the face? Does she stop whining? Was she good? I think we calm down. It was good. And then we kind of moved away from her to finish things off.

And then, and I'm gonna send you some dog CBD for this. You're gonna need to start drugging the dog. I feel like. Look, I tried it, put it on like a little thunder shirt. Doesn't work. She's like, she's all. Oh my God.

And then I have a, so sometimes I can't find the shirt. I have her harness has like two little unicorn pockets on the side. And that sometimes it'll work. So she just will sit on the bed with these unicorn, with a unicorn harness, just like looking back occasionally, being like, is everything okay? Is everything good? All right.

Oh my God. Possessive Hannibal Leicester with four legs. Fucking incredible. I'm sorry that he didn't call back, but also especially given that he was, oh, was did he? Sounds like he did something. He was, oh, he was, and maybe I don't

cause he's standards, but sometimes you're, you're like, oh, this person is not my person, but it's gonna be fun and it's gonna get done. Yeah, fair. Maybe he can only come now with a dog spiting with a face and he has to sit and wrap his tail up there. Ah! Oh my God, that is one of the wildest things

I've ever heard. I disagree with your friends, that that's a terrible story. I think it's fucking iconic. It's an amazing story. Thank you for telling us. Thank you. We'll be right back.

Bad dates. Welcome to Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school, a place where the best and brightest aren't fighting to be prom queen or captain of the football team. They're on track to become the next Supreme Court justice. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student who must quickly adapt in a school where rules mean nothing, and money means everything. Ava sets her sights on being the first scholarship student to make the list. Bishop Gray's all coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But with no clear path to the top, she

joins the Knight of the Wolf, Bishop Gray's underground society. If she bends to their demands in exchange for her own success, one of the ten coveted spots will be hers, but at what cost? Enjoy Academy on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. Binge all ten episodes of Academy Early and Add Free on Wondry Plus. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. And we're back. Jesus Christ on a bicycle. All right. So next up, we have there. Your story is called magical sweater. Yes. Are you wearing it right now? Yeah.

This is no, this sweater is not magical at all. This is a muggle sweater. Okay. But this is a... So, I hooked up with this guy on field and we made up this place called the Bokymash and nothing. Okay. Okay.

So, this story is like pretty smart phones. so that's how old this story is, please forgive me. What was that like? It was magical. I'm very, very, very nervous to ask a girl out, just words. I cannot find words and there's this girl who I thought was cute and she was just this amazingly kind of intelligent eloquent like just wonderful woman, you know, and just severely severely out of my league, you know, shooting high and I knew that she kind of thought that I was cute and so I went up to her in a club.

And I said, hey, could I get your number? And she said absolutely. And... Go for it. And she's like, do you want to write it down somewhere? And I said, no, I'll remember it. No. Yes.

You can get so much worse. And then I remembered that I'm dyslexic and I can't remember numbers in words. So I'm like, I'll remember it and she says the number and I'm like, could you say it again, I'm dyslexic. What? And then I make a say- I'm like, what are the other confident waiters who fucks up the entire order and it's like just write it down.

I was supposed to be impressive for. I was like, I just want my eggs right. But also what the fuck do you do, right? So you're in a club. This is the 1800s, right? I can't believe you. You don't have any phones. No one's got a fucking pet, like only an actual murderer

has a pen and paper on them in a club. You would look like such a creep. If you pulled out, you're ready made like notes for like bitches numbers, you numbers, with the fucking pen. And you don't want to walk away in the club, otherwise where the fuck are you going to go to find the pen and the paper, how are you going to get back to it? I feel you.

I feel you. It was a complicated time. It was the horse and carriage era. It's playing her. No, no, no, we're not blaming the woman. We're just saying that what choice do choice do you have other than to pray? You have a memory? Yeah, I'm not gonna roam around like a reporter

for the New York Times, but like where were you when the, you know, fucking, with like a fucking notepad, right? Except I made her scream out the number because I was dyslexic and then I didn't hear it properly because the music in the club was really loud.

So I made her scream with a third time and then I forgot the number, like half an hour later, and I had to call like a friend of hers. And the friend immediately called up and was like, he forgot the number after he yelled at three fucking times at the guy. And then I had asked a girl out the week before,

and I showed up at her house. This is a different girl to pick her up. And she was just like in shorts, in like a loose t-shirt, and she had like a hair up in a bun, wasn't ready at all. And she's like, oh, I totally forgot. And I'm like, should I wait? And you can maybe get ready. And she's like, no, can we do this another time.

So I left her house with this girl having forgot the date, right? So you got the same girl. I'm sorry, no, this is a different girl, right? So how do you move to the first girl? Well, so now on the way to this first girl's house, because I had been stood up at the girl's doorstep the week before, I called her 20 minutes before the date was to start.

Like on the road and I'm like, hey, I'm on the road to your house. I just want to confirm that we're still on. Like you haven't forgotten about this date at all. And she's like, No, I have a fucking thing. Which girl is this? Which girl is this? Okay, so the girl from the club. I'm on my way to her house.

We've got to give her a nickname. I'm like, Yes. Gary. Sorry, what? Gary, we've been going to Gary a lot on the podcast. I'm on the way to Gary's house, but a girl that stirred me up the week before. So I call Gary and I'm like, I'm just confirming you still remember the week. Because you're in trauma right Okay. And she's like, absolutely, I remember, I'm an intelligent human being. I have a brain and a memory,

unlike people who ask me for numbers in clubs. And her... I left her my own heart, her bitch. And then I show up at her house and I was, I was in New Delhi just for like a couple of days and this is the middle of summer and I didn't have any like formal clothes, but I had a black sweater.

And so I just wore the black sweater when it's 43 degrees Celsius outside, which I don't know what that is. I was about to say like it, it, it, New Delhi summers are like, I mean, when it's that hot in California, everything literally catches fire, but that's just the daily temperature that we have to live with. So just a picture how hot it is. Okay, go on. So I show up at her house already soaked in sweat in a black sweater, right? And she opens the door and the first words I say is, hey, you remembered such a bad thing to say. I was just very grateful in the moment. And she's like, you're wet. I do. And I was like, you look amazing.

And she was like, yeah, you're in a sweater. And I'm like, yes. And then we walked towards the car. And I run around to my side of the car. And I remember, like, I forget to open the door for her. So I just, I'm running around on my side of the car. I remember that I've forgotten to open the door. So I run around the car towards her side of the door.

And I realized this looks fucking stupid. So I run around the car one more time. So I run around the car two fucking times, like it's a good luck thing before I take off. I'm like, I'm gonna see a date. I am done that. Where you do something down thought you're gonna be an OCD stick. I've done that. Where you do something dumb and you're like,

I have to do it again. You double down. Literally. Okay, go on. You're just letting her know right away that you are a project. It's just like right out the gate. Like this is what you're gonna get with me.

I don't even know how to walk around a car or open a door. I know. It's like a dream. It's like a dream. Yeah. He has OCD. Already I'm on board. And thankfully, small car. So not a huge radius.

And I make it around twice. We go to the date. And I think we went to, you know, as glam as this is TGI Fridays, before we went to a restaurant to get like a drink. And I'm not much of a drinker and I was very nervous and I had two long Island ice teas and just started to sweat even more profusely in my sweater and had to be maybe six times during the date. So she thinks I have a bladder infection or something.

I also threw up twice. And throwing up twice in a New Delhi bathroom means you are now gargling with New Delhi tap water. So I now have like, oh my god, Delhi, Bally and Bombay Bomb at the same time. So, that is my fuck stop. Celebrity and cholera. Hold on, so recapping. You're sweating, you're drinking. And you go, excuse me. And you just casually leave to vomit.

Yes. And then you're like, cool. Twice. And then you did it twice again, because of your OCD. You got to make sure. Yes, sure. Through some miracle at the end of this f**kin date,

she's like, I'm like, so do you want to go dancing? Or do you want to go grab a movie? And she's like, yeah, we could do that. All we could go back to my place. Okay. And I'm like, great. So do you want to go dancing? Or do you want to go it's your OCD? You had to say it again. And she's like, yeah, we could do that. All we could go back to my place. And what is it that's making you worried? Because you think you smell or like, because of all the sweating and the pissing or.

Yeah, I think I'm soaked underneath this sweater. Right. Is one. And I'm just nervous. You know, it's been a while since I hooked up with anyone. And so we go back to her. Yeah, we go back to her place. is one and I'm just nervous, you know, it's been a while since I hooked up with anyone and so we go back to her. Yeah, we go back to her place and there's, you know, I think there's a moment where and it's like a subtle, beautiful moment where I think a girl will give you a sign when she

wants to be kissed, you know, and sometimes that's letting you into the door and then kind of closing the door behind her and like leaning up against the door and giving you one of those sides, you know what I mean. And so then what where do you guys go next? We got to her place, unless I'm skipping that. Forgive me, I have lots of trauma when it comes to this date. So she's at her front door and she gives me the sign and I think I'm supposed to kiss her. She's at her front door and she gives me the sign and I think I'm supposed to kiss her and then I just bolt into a room, which is into her bedroom, right?

And I go and sit down on her bed and she comes and sits down next to me and again gives me like a, you know, like one of those signs with like the eye contact and I pull towards her desk and start looking at like photographs on the wall until she eventually just looks at me and she's like is there a fucking problem right and and I swear to God I think I said I'm thinking about kissing you right now but I don't have the proper words to segue into the kiss. Oh I actually find that very sweet and so do Kelsey. So do Jenny I think you. Yeah, because I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the worst at it. I was the heart and and heavy and she's getting that sweet deli tap water like in her mouth now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I think he's rinse that out with the much less hygienic water go on.

Can you rinse out vomit? I don't think so. I think that's like a fall you have to brush your teeth. I think yeah. Well guys, we're in now. We're in. We're not kissing. So just that that's what this is.

He doesn't have a pen. He's not going to have a listerine on him. Yeah, exactly. Go on, bit. OK. This is Delhi, not Emirates first class. I don't have a toiletry bag on me for every fucking situation. And so we're on her bed.

And I think she kind of climbs on top of me. And you know, bands start to come off, and one is standing at attention, and her mother walks into the room while she's on top of me. And I have no recourse but to pull the magical sweater down over my junk. And I don't know if you know this, but like wool and junk in Delhi summer is not really a great combination. And she just kinda talks to us for seven and a half minutes.

Is she naked? She's, no, she's got a skirt on and it was hiked up and that nonsense is happening. And I didn't know what to do so I lifted. Like the sweater up to cover my nipples like they were breasts. And I think I forgot that my dick was out. Anything, just not my earrolless. And then after that this mother keeps talking to us and I slowly kind of put this sweater on my junk, which is bowling junk.

And this mother just doesn't acknowledge the heart on, she doesn't acknowledge the nipples, she doesn't acknowledge anything. And then I discover that she can't see without her glasses on. Like legally blind, can't say. Very close to almost blind. So we proceed to have a 7.5 minute conversation where her mom's like, so what do you do? What do your parents do when we're getting into Indian mom questions. What does she think you're just wearing camel trousers? Like, what does she, can she not even make out tone? I don't know. And so I'm just, you know, trying in a very weird way as a man, what you're worried about,

then even in this whole thing is you're just like, don't lose wood. Keep it up, you know, like it's like. Wait, but maybe, maybe the mom is doubling down. Like the mom knows that she just came in. And is this fucking with me? Yeah, yeah. Play cool, Just play cool.

Hey, so what do you do, young man? She's testing the erection. Yeah. She's still seeing the erection. This happens to every man in this home gone. And I think the mom leaves after like seven and a half minutes. And it's longer than what we did, not kidding. And then after that, we just kind of got back to it

and we were together for the better part of five years after that. Wow! Oh my gosh! What? What was that? Did you manage to maintain that word throughout that chat? Throughout the five years, actually, I maintained the word. No, it was still hard right now. Yeah. It was that New Delhi, it was the tap water.

Yeah. It did it. It's full of Viacra. I actually, it's a really strange story, but five years together, it didn't work out. We, you know, we got engaged. Oh, wow. Like, I came through, like, I'll segue into this because we now want to use the word segue twice. But I want to say, I did probably one of the best

proposals I've ever seen. I got a presidential speeder hotel. I got 3,000 roses. 3000 roses. Yeah, I did up the entire thing. I got, I went to 20 restaurants and got her favorite desserts. Then I hired a string quartet to play our favorite song. And then I had her friends meet her in the lobby with like a little bit of a quiz. It was like like a five minute quiz, right? Just like a take-the-day we first met and multiplied by the number of times we've been to blah blah blah and it ended in like the room number of the presidential suite at the hotel so that she would come up to that room. And then I waited upstairs for one and a half hours as she solved the five minute quiz for one and a half hours. Is that why I didn't work out you were like this woman's an idiot? We just want to talk to each other. It's a a basic person. Wonderful person, but yeah, that's the end of it. That is an amazing engagement story.

That's a reality TV level engagement. Yeah, that's a bollywood film as well. Yeah, it's so extra. It's so good. I'm sorry that didn't work out, but it is what it is and you're fine now. But for five dates, for one of them to turn into a five year relationship, congratulations. My wife was my fifth date was my wife and we've been together the night news now. So yeah, it's, I just take the women on the one date and then they matter, that's how this works.

This is my sister. A couple of times in a TGI Friday, isn't it? Just keep her over. So the mother really like never brought it up, never acknowledged it. There was nothing. Wow. Fucking else. Sounds like you're a pretty good date.

You know what? I'm genuinely impressed. Well done. I can't believe how grossed we're that story is. I can't believe you got to get laid after vomiting and sweating. I can't imagine what that sweater smelled like. The one that you've been like. Like rum, whiskey, iced tea and vomit. Okay, we're moving on. We're moving on.

My goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. In the first part of the 20th century, the Hilton family had a luck on the hotel industry by offering upscaled service at a modest price. The company was expanding fast and buying up iconic properties across the country, like the Plaza and the Waldorf Astoria, but their unchallenged rise wouldn't last. An ambitious Mormon named J.W. Marriott decides to pivot from restaurants to hospitality, and he's after Hilton's business, developing modern hotels across the world, but both the Hilton and Marriott families will

have to contend with their share of drama in finding a successor, while also fighting to stay solvent in a high-stakes business. Hi, I'm David Brown, the host of Wonderree Show Business Wars. We go deep into some of the biggest corporate rivalries of all time. In our latest season, Hilton and Marriott are in a race to expand globally and secure the loyalty of fickle customers. Make sure to follow business wars wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondry app.

And we're back. There's been a lot to digest already, but Kelsey, you're up. This is the guy who loves his cat. So I mentioned, you know, got divorced a we met up at a coffee shop during the day. And this guy, we had talked on FaceTime previously, everything seemed fine, normal, didn't get serial killer vibes from him. I was like, okay, this will be fine to go to a coffee shop. And he was from Europe originally. And so he had a really thick European accent. What part of Europe, though?

I want to say, oh, I can't remember now. I can't remember. Maybe just general Europe. Do you think like Eastern Europe or are we saying like thick Italian, thick Spanish accent? I'm trying to imagine it. More like a thick Italian. I will try and do an impression of it. It will probably not be great. Right, right, right, right. I don't know. We can hear it now. I can hear it. More like a thick Italian. I will try and do an impression of it. It will probably not be great. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. I don't know. We can hear it now. I can hear it. I can hear it. Okay. Okay. So happy Europe was said Europe. You can give it

a quarter. Which side of the Berlin wall was the real? I think you were happier. Okay. But the accent is an important part of this story because some of the words that he said The accent is an important part of this story because some of the words that he said would sound like other words. He goes, yeah, you know, I love my cat, but he rapes my shirts. And it was just that kind of like record scratch moment in the coffee bean where like I'm kind of sinking into my seat looking around to see see who else her can say this. Yeah. So casually and confidently. And so I sat with it for a second,

and then I was like, oh, he rips your shirts with his claws. Okay, I'm sorry, I thought you said he rapes your shirts. And he goes, yeah, no, I don't understand why, because he's benuded, but he rapes my shirts and he just, he will not stop raping my shirts. So, so he means right, right.

Okay. So he goes. And then I've had to hide my shirts and then I gave him a blanket and now that's his rape blanket. And I'm suggesting this cat as fuck the hole in this man's shirt. I don't know what has happened with this cat. Maybe know we suggest saying this cat has fucked a hole in this man's shirt. I don't I don't know what has happened with this cat Maybe Jenny's dog and this cat. Have you been to a side?

Yeah, they both need therapy. There's something sexually going on. You know what I'm saying. This is why we wear sweaters Guy make a full sweater. I'm just saying This cat sounds like it can Okay, yeah, This cat can fuck through. Go rice cat is where. Okay. Powerful cat. And so again, I'm just kind of sitting there with like my jaw on the floor because I did

not think that had 1 p.m. out of coffee bean. I was going to hear the phrase rape blanket. That was not what I imagined it was going to be. You need to get on the field, mate. I know. There's lots of people who have them. Yeah, go on. So, at that point, I'm kind of, he's like saying that word so much, and I'm kind of like looking around.

I'm almost wondering if I'm on some sort of hidden camera show because this is just so bizarre too. It's very casual to use such a jarring word that many times in the middle of the day with a stranger. Yeah, first date, like that's just, it's so aggressive and without knowing, I mean, that's a wild gamble. I'm just talking to myself like,

okay, maybe I'll give this another five minutes because at this point I was just thinking this could be comedy material at the least. Like, I'll just see how this plays out. And so another few minutes goes by and he starts telling me that he goes on boats a lot and this could be comedy material at the least. I'll just see how this plays out. And so another few minutes goes by and he starts telling me that he goes on boats a lot and I was like, oh, do you ever worry about shark attacks?

And I swear to God, he goes, yeah, no, you don't really have to worry about a shark attack so much, but you do have to worry about dolphins because they are the rapists of the sea. And I was like, all right, oh, time. Time.

It's not wrong. All right. Like, Fli I was like, all right, mom. That's not wrong. All right. Like, Flipper was like, Flipper was like the dolphin equivalent of Copaganda. You know what I mean? Like, we all think that dolphins are really sweet, but they are just smooth criminals. Like, they are rapists, but it is very intense to bring that up so soon after the cat rags and I really. That's real from the My's you never see on Instagram

huh? Yeah. I was just like I was just trying to be one with nature and then flip it. And then I became one with nature. Yes. Yeah, and so things wrapped up after that because I just was like, oh man, I mean I didn't get I didn't get aggressive vibes from this guy, but it was just like, this is obviously not going to work. I'm not into it. What else is he gonna say is raping? Well, he's just too comfortable with the word. God, so the date I take it came to an end, Kelsey,

because, you know, I couldn't see a future. No, it's a bonus. It is a bonus. And as Jenny said, I do feel like that was what was going on, was that he knew I was a comedian, and felt like that was the way to impress me or connect with me was to be the most shocking version of himself, but it's, yeah, I mean.

So how did it end? Did he just take it? Did he disappear? I think it just was like a gentle fizzle. It was just like we both stopped, you know, I think he texted one more time after that, kind of seeing if there was potential for another date. And I just politely faded out of a out of existence. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I think it was like point. I'm very much like if I if I didn't it doesn't go well, I just go, I just say like, well, you know, you're cool. I didn't feel any

romantic vibes. Yeah, it's just, it's a nervous thing. It's a it's a cringe thing. It's something that I imagined so many comedians have to contend with all the time, regardless of the gender of the person that you're dating, just someone thinking that that's the way to impress you. And it's tragic, but it's also like, oh, bless. And also then, you know, he has a strange relationship with animals that feels like. I know. Also, how attractive do you think you are?

Like calm down. Yeah, relax. No. I am very resistant to dolphins. Yeah. Mm-hmm, he's a good looking guy. That's fair then. That is fair then. Yeah, he was a good looking guy. That's fair then. That is fair then.

Yeah, that was the way I let it slide when there were. Dolphins have posters of him under the sea. Yeah, big doe. That was my first, does my first dating app experience after the divorce? And so, or period dating app experience, so to have had that be my first experience like kind of like out in the wild, That was a crazy thing to call my friends

afterwards and be like, what the fuck? Like, is this what you guys have been dealing with for the past decade? This is fucking insane. I hadn't just no idea that that's how. But then since have you had less rapey times? Yes, I'm currently in an amazing relationship with a comedian, which helps prevent the Ray Paye- Attempted comedians. Yes, yes. So, yeah, we just moved in together

and many apples a couple months ago. Oh, sure. It's so nice, yeah. Yeah. That man is just lonely at an aquarium somewhere. I'm terrified. Just trying to find people like, you know the animals I have a story.

Guys, I have one last story for you. Sent to me by one of our listeners that I wanted to run past you and see if you have any thoughts or feelings about. Do you mind? Okay, so this is from Sarah and she says it's okay for us to use her name just to be clear. She says, Hi, bad dates podcast. You tell me if this qualifies as a bad date. I call this one double trouble. So it's my third date with a guy. Let's call him Edward. He invited me over to his place for dinner saying that we would have great food. We would

do mushrooms and watch everything everywhere all at once. I was psyched. I think that's quite an intense movie to watch on mushrooms personally, but okay. When I get there, he says food is on the way, we take the mushrooms and I go into his bathroom and I wash my hands and there in his toilet with the lid up, practically staring me in the face is a long-turd. He lips by himself so this hat to be his. I turned away from it, I reached for the handle, and I flushed that bad boy down. I thought about bailing right then, but somehow carried on. You know, accidents happen. We get it, we get it.

Who's that happens? That's a human element. Yeah, the food comes and it's Papa fucking John's pizza, plain cheese, and totally inedible. Oh God, Papa John got fucking sent for just then. Now I'm starting to shroom, he's about to start the movie. I asked him to wait because I need to pee first. I walk into the bathroom and it smells super funky.

This time the lid was down and when I opened it, I shit you not. There is another crap in there. Not a bloated like it didn't go down, but a fresh juice. What the actual fuck? I was freaking out on the mushrooms. I was freaking out on the mushrooms so I didn't know how to escape. I sit down next to him and before he starts the movie, he starts to put his arms around me,

but in my trippy mind, his arms were two shits and wrapping around me. And I freaked the fuck out. I told him I was having a bad trip and I was going to throw up. I called an Uber and I went home. I never talked to him again and I still have major bathroom PTSD.

Oh wow. Oh man. The question is not to gaslight her, but as she thinks his arms are shits, is it possible the second shit was in her mind? God. I'm 1,000% sure this lady took two shits in his bathroom and forgot that she's at her door. I'm 1,000% sure that this is what happened.

Like somewhere, she is a guy just being like, this lady came and shared in my bathroom twice and left before the movie started. Oh my God. In that case, Edward, whoever you are, feel free to come up bad dates and redeem yourself, set me a fucking story straight. Oh my God, that that case Edward, whoever you are, feel free to come up bad dates and redeem yourself. Set the fucking story straight. Oh my God, that is horrifying. So any thoughts, any questions about Sarah's story? I mean, I don't know if I would hate on someone having poop in their toilet.

Twice is too much. Yeah, one, like, it was real. I don't know if this is the second one. Well, here's a question. I feel like she was mean about the Papa John's, if I'm going to be honest. Like, sometimes, what's the fact that only the fourth Papa John's is like, you know, oh, he had Papa John's, my God, what a sin. I also think third date, Shroom Trip is too soon with a stranger. It's too soon. Mm-hmm. I also think that her Papa John's feelings are a little reasonable in that he really built

it up. It sounds like he was like, we're going to have like amazing food. Yeah. Like that he was going to cook something or get some really nice takeout. Yeah. So I think if you just been like, do you want to come over, we'll get take out pizza and do shrimms. Then at least she knows going into it.

Yeah. Do you think Papa John's is why he couldn't stop shitting? Is that what we feel? Is that why his arms turned into shit? And maybe it wasn't a mushroom trip? I haven't made it. Are you guys imagine like, do you like snaking? I'm not worried I'm going to get sued by Papa John's. I didn't mean any of that. Everyone went real quiet on me. It's from him. Apart John. Yeah, okay. Oh my God. Guys, thank you so much for your completely absurd stories.

I love how... I love the way in which you have processed those stories, and I've loved hearing about them, and I feel like I've gotten to know so much about you in this time. We've all kind of trauma bonded together. I've shared more than I intended to. And you guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for coming on the show. It was so nice to meet you. Stay safe out there. Thank you so much for these amazing stories. I loved me at you. Thank you. The latest VIRDAS Netflix specials called Landing and is streaming now. Tour dates are available at VIRDAS.IN. Jenny's a Green O co-host the podcast Body Positive and you can find her standup dates at

jenny'sagreeno.com and Kelsey Cook's special The Hustler is available on YouTube and tickets for upcoming shows are at Kelsey Cook.com. Bad dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jemida Jramil. That's me! Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant.

Also engineered and edited by Karl McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartness Media, Richard Coursen and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespot

at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more. Bad dates! You! Spark! Blast! Mia! Hello, Prime Members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. comm slash survey.