Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - I Am Curious Bitch (w/ Chris Redd, Robby Hoffman, and Langston Kerman)

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Chris Redd, Robby Hoffman, and Langston Kerman to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Chris learns the hard way that he is too broke to leave the house, Robby has a wake-up call for bad daters everywhere, and Langston’s date seeks public relief while he’s dressed as a youth pastor.If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsChris Redd: @chrisreddis on social media, iamchrisredd.com for tour datesRobby Hoffman: @robbyhoffman on Insta, Too Far podcastLangston Kerman: @langstonkerman on social media, My Momma Told Me podcastSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart. Less. Neon. I broke up with somebody on Zoom. No, on speakerphone, not Zoom. Sorry. I broke up with somebody else. On speakerphone?

Can you log on to this Zoom so I can break up with you? So you can see how not devastated I am? I'm at a party, but I can. Oh, the breakup confetti. That was crazy. That's wild. Hi, everybody, and welcome to Bad Dates. I am your favorite host, Marie Faustin. And this is the show where funny people come on and tell us terrible date stories.

Good terrible, good bad date stories. And intro so far, Marie, you're doing stories. Good intro so far, Marie. You're doing great. Thank you so much, Robbie. But they gonna fix it in post. They gonna take your voice right out. Perfect. Guys, thank you so much for being here.

I'm excited to hear all about your terrible dates. These are all people that I like on the podcast today. Let's go through them so you know who I'm talking to. It's not just voices interrupting me. First, we have Chris Redd, comedian and actor from SNL. He has a standard special on Max. Check out imchrisredd.com for tour dates. Hi.

What's going on? It's so great to dive back into my broke man trauma. Put your hands together. You haven't been broke. It's enough. You have to be one of the richest working right now. I'm so sick of this. Robbie, you pocket watch it? All these stories are from when I was broke, Robbie. I was broke until I was 30. That's a long time in black years. No, that's not that long. And so what? You didn't have a bad day until after you were broke? Wait, only had the broke?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me introduce our second- Robbie is here for a battle. She's down my throat immediately. She said, you got money, how your date's crummy. Okay, let's, second voice that you heard, you know, talking to Chris is Robbie Hoffman, writer and comedian from Netflix and Comedy Central.

Check out her podcast, Too Far with Rachel Colley. Hi Robbie. How's it going? My opinionated friend. And finally we have Langston Kerman, writer, comic, actor from Insecure, High Maintenance and The Boys. Check out his podcast, My Mama Told Me with David,

how you say David's last name? Bori. David Bori. Oh, thank you for asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're G-silent like lasagna, you know what I'm saying? Real silent. Yeah.

Oh, I've been saying lagnia this whole time. That's great. Lagnia, I love some layered lagnia. Lasagna, I love. Have y'all, has anybody here ever made a lasagna? Oh, absolutely not, no. Okay, right, because you gotta boil the noodles. My sister makes such a good one. Has anybody here ever made a lasagna? Oh, absolutely not, no. Okay, right, because you gotta boil the noodles.

My sister makes such a good one. Shout out to Chaya, who makes an amazing lasagna. Shout out to Chaya. Shout out to Chaya. Shout out to Chaya, man. Come on. Let's go. What was she doing special, Robbie,

that really makes it seem? She just like really fucked with the layers. She did small layers, lots of layers. And you know, she didn't make too many things. I lived with her when I first moved out, 16, 17. She lived with her boyfriend who was always playing video games. And she was always like, if she made that,

she made maybe three things. And so it was also special that like, oh shit, she's like really bought all the ingredients and she's doing this. She figured out a sweet trick shot and she was like, I don't need fundamentals. I got this. Yeah. She said, Listen, if I do the layers just right, they can't even taste that the meat not all the way cooks.

Hello, I'm Emily. And I'm Anna. And we're the hosts of terribly famous the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities. And just a warning, our latest season will feature a lot of accents. Can I just check what accents? Because... I can't tell this story without going all in. Okay, I'm scared to ask, but can you give us a clue? Why I'm Ant.

Ooh, Ant, and or dek? I'm afraid not, and it's not Alan Shearer either. I am talking about a young woman plucked from obscurity who rose to become the Neershin sweetheart. A woman who's had a lot of surnames. And has ditched them all to become just Cheryl. Love it. Girls Aloud fans, strap in.

We're going to follow Cheryl from her Girl Band Glory days, getting together with Ashley Cole, and the many scandals and humiliations that followed. Not to mention a near-death experience. Oh, she's been through a lot. And she has needed every ounce of her Northern grit to see her through. I promise you it's going to be an emotional rollercoaster.

Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts. Or listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Hello, I'm Matt Ford. And I'm Alice Levine, and we're the hosts podcasts or the Wondery app. moulds the cleavage. An uplifting story which gives you a real boost. I hate myself. She moved from business to politics and when Covid hit says she knows a great company to supply PPE. And the company, PPE Medpro,

made millions of pounds of profit from the contract. Oh, and a lot of the equipment was unusable. Oh, a minor detail. And having said that she had nothing to do with that profit repeatedly, she then goes on national television and says that Hona Children are actually in line to receive nearly £30 million as a result of it.

To find out the full incredible story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus. free on Wondery Plus. Okay, Chris, tell us your bad date story. Now, this is the date that taught me that you shouldn't go out before you have money to do so. Because what happened is I was like just starting in comedy, you know what I mean? And so I was broke as hell. And this girl from high school that I had a thing for came to one of my shows. So it was like one of them circle back moments.

Like I'm like, oh yeah. She said no to me in high school, but I'm about to like get it in there. I'm about to blow her mind. Man, right? So the pussy that never was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. The ghost of pussy pass. That is a documentary I'm working on.

And so I was like, yeah, I would love to take her out. I had just had a show that I got paid like $150. So, you know, that felt like a lot of money at the time. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I got enough money for this day. Now I had a half tank of gas and I had MapQuested out. I had MapQuested. This is how long ago this was.

I was about 20, 22, 21, or 21, 22. How many pages on that MapQuest? Ooh, a nice old five, a nice old five. Ooh, it's a long trip. Yeah, but the first one was coding, you know? The first one was just, it was printing a lot of shit that had nothing to do with the directions. It's either a long trip or a bad printer

in the card that knows. I was like, this is a waste of tree. No, I think the first page, the first page of MapQuest is a little black and white map. Yeah, yeah it is, it is. Wow, you're memory-hunting. No, I think the first page of MapQuest is a little black and white map. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is.

Wow, your memory, Mariah. I didn't use that. I was like, just give me the word. No, my memory is trash, but I feel like I remember a map. Yeah, there was definitely a map, and then it gives you the underlings. So I picked the perfect place that had wings and games. And it was just like, it was a fire little wing spot, right?

And so I was like, yeah, I'ma take her out there. I don't know about wings on a date. You don't like wings on like games. And it was just like, it was, it was a fire little wing spot, right? And so I was like, yeah, I'm gonna take her out there. I don't know about wings on a date. You don't like wings on a date? Well, that's why, Robbie, that's why I ain't take you, girl. I'm talking about this black lady who love wings. So- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. We got to unpack.

Why are wings so upsetting for you? I mean, she got that. Well, I personally, I have an insecurity. I eat like an animal. You know, I go up, nobody says, I didn't eat fast, I didn't eat. And so I'm still learning manners around eating, but wings for me are one of the trickiest

because I also didn't have wings. And when I discovered wings, Jews don't really fuck with things. I love wings. Not you Columbus in wings, you discovered wings. You didn't just, Well, yes, I wasn't kosher wings. I love wings. Not you, Columbus in wings. You discovered wings. You didn't just. Well, yes.

I wasn't kosher anymore. I had wings. But when we were kosher, we didn't really have wings. So, it's still you for me. That would be on my messiest. Robbie, how do you like. It's a sloppier meal than you would like for a date. For a date.

So, Robbie, do you need like a safe room to eat wings, nigga, what do you need? No, with friends, with you animals, what do I give a fuck? Animals, not you calling us animals after Memorial Day. Oh, in this climate? In this climate. And she got a black cup in the cabin.

Boy, I tell you, Robbie just said- You were there January 6th, mom? Oh, hey. That was on the January 7th sale though. You know what I mean? Yeah, it was. It was January 7th. That wasn't the first round of- Okay, so you got a bucket of wings. Okay.

No. So, so I'm trying to find a super dope spot. And so I map quested out. Right. Right. Now it looks a little bit further than I had anticipated, but I was like, I had looked at my money. I'm like, I got enough just to get to the crib. Now, so at this point, the money is being allotted for mileage. Oh, baby, we broke broke.

I say this is like, damn, we had 36 miles. When I say I made $150 for that show, there was no other money to add. It was a hundred. It was a 152. It was 150. And when that 150 is up, nigga wasn't 152, it was 150. 150, and when that 150 is up, nigga, we surviving together, you know what I mean? So I had to make sure that I ordered

based on what she was ordered. So I had to make sure this 150 lasts me the date, right? Sure. Got it, got it. But I had no room for error. And this whole date was error because what I, so I looked up the wrong place, I picked her up, and the place I took her to was an hour and a half away. I could not afford that guy.

By the time we got there, it wasn't even the right wing spot. It was a wing stop. A wing stop. I took this grown woman to a wing stop with my date clothes on. That you made her sit in the car for an hour and a half. An hour and a half.

And when I tell you I was saucing that hour and a half though, like, you know what I mean? I was like really killing it. And then I got nervous like an hour in, like we should be there. Cause my allotted budget, she telling me like, nigga you. My budget, I only had about four stories ready.

Why am I on my third story? And it still says- He said, I'm doing the A material and I'm about to dip into the B. Nigga, I did my closer and we are a half hour out. Nigga, I'm like, no, this is crazy. What city is this? Did you in an hour-

This is Chicago, this is crazy. What city is this? It should an hour. This is Chicago. This is Chicago. So you have how you didn't clock in 10 minutes in. Any which way from where you are in Chicago, there's a week 10 minutes from you. No, no, but this is not. This is no city. The buildings are behind you. You in Canada now.

No, no, we really. This is a mix of Chicago and the suburbs. So between the drive, cause she lived in the suburbs. So I had to go out there and get it. So this place was kind of in the middle of all of us. I get what you're saying, Robbie, you're making sense. If this was a city story, this would be ridiculous to me. But it wasn't.

I was passing dark woods and shit. You know what I mean? I was nervous, nigga. You know? So I was just like, yo, I was focused. I and shit. I, you know what I mean? And I was, I was nervous, nigga. You know? So I was just like, yo, I was focused. I had to make sure, but look, by the time I got to this wing style, we pulled up and I didn't have,

I didn't have the money to take us to the right place. Cause I had looked it up and I was like, yeah, that's too far. We, so I went back to the car and I was like, hey, so we here. And that's what I said. and I was like, hey, so we here. And she was like, we here. And she was so cool about it. So it turns out that this is the location.

This is where we'll be dining this evening. But this is the premiere Wingstop. How long you keep it? You do comedy, you do improv. If I pulled up to the Wingstop, How long you live it? You do comedy, you do improv. If I pulled up to the Wingstop, I'd be like, babe, you know what? I fucked up with MapQuest, whatever, my bad. Why don't we do a, why don't we pick up a picnic?

Why don't we, you know, you're in the woods, so maybe she lives right here. I don't know where the fuck she lives. Okay, so I'ma never, at 10 o'clock at night, I'ma never offer to go to the woods with a black lady. I don't wanna be in the woods. Robbin thought this was a daytime wing date. Maybe that's why you're so upset about this.

I'm like, this is a nighttime affair. She said, you sat in traffic? Yeah, imagine if I was like, you know what? I don't even know where we at, but let's go to the woods. Like, what the fuck? Are you trying to murder me, sir? No, yeah. There was no pivoting. I couldn't afford a pivot.

I was nervous already, you know what I mean? And so I just, and she was acting super cool about it. So I was like, all right, so we in here. We go into this wing stop, man. And a couple in front of us are high schoolers and they ain't loving shit. And the dude's just like, go ahead, girl, you can get whatever you want.

And I'm just sitting there like, damn, nigga. He must've had $180. He did. It looked like he had $180, bro. Damn, you living my dream young man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someday I want to be like you 15 year old boy. So I let her get what she want and then I got some fries and a couple wings I think.

Oh damn. And just to make sure I can get her home. You know what I mean? I had to make sure I can get her home. Cause I know you were looking forward to those wings too. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Like we were both like, we both love wings. You're starving after an hour and a half.

Yeah. You're working up an appetite at this point. Yeah, you're sick. Absolutely. And Robbie, I know turning to comedy is something I would do now, but I was two years into comedy for real. Like I didn't fucking know how to.

All I'm hearing is excuses. My question is the financial. So the financials for me are red flagging because you're saying you don't have enough money to get home. Now are you doing gas pay as you go? Are you putting fives in the tank? Like, like I don't understand.

Robbie, you obviously have not been broke black man. Because yes. Once again. You obviously have not been broke black man. Because, yes nigga. Once again. You gotta put five in as you go. That is how you exist. Are you paying a debit card? Do you have the 150 on you? A debit card, no, see.

Do you have the cash on you? That's a good question. I got cash on, I'm cash. Look, I was, two years prior, I was selling drugs. I didn't have a card, I had cash. I would have cash. Worse drugs deal for all time. And that was an improv. So I was selling drugs. I didn't have a card. I had cash. I would have cash. Worst drug deal of all time.

And that was an improv. So I was already feeling insecure about hanging around with nerds all day. And so I didn't know. I felt like the biggest loser alive. Well. And I was. Yeah. That was my big feeling in hearing this story was you had no business leaving the house,

my man. No business. You had no business introducing yourself to young ladies. You should have been really focusing your energy in a different direction. And when I tell y'all, my life turned around after that night because after that night, I went on that one single more date and I was like, you need to focus on you, brother.

You need to get your shit together. There's no poor dates anymore. No, that's true. They're called walking dates. See that's not like that. Walking dates ain't popular outside of New York, I don't think. They're not popular in my house. I'm not walking in the sun.

I don't know a lot of women that I could have pulled that little bamboo. Listen, I would have got ghosted so hard if I was like, hey baby girl, baby girl, come on, let's go ahead and walk around for a little while. If I was like Langston Carmen, I wouldn't even walk. I'd just stand. Here's the date. Hello, I'm Hannah. And I'm Seruti.

And we are the hosts of Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast. Hello, I'm Hannah. And I'm Saruti. And we are the hosts of Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast. Every week on Red Handed, we get stuck into the most talked about cases. From Idaho student killings, the Delphi murders, and our recent rundown of the Murdoch saga. Last year, we also started a second weekly show, Shorthand, which is just an excuse for us to talk about anything we find interesting because it's our show and we can do what we like. We've covered the death of Princess Diana, an unholy Quran written in Saddam Hussein's blood, the gruesome history of European witch hunting, and the very uncomfortable phenomenon of genetic sexual attraction.

Whatever the case, we want to know what pushes people to the extremes of human behavior. Like, can someone give consent to be cannibalized? What drives a child to kill? And what's the psychology of a terrorist? Listen to Red Handed wherever you get your podcasts and access our bonus shorthand episodes exclusively on Amazon Music or by subscribing to Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app.

Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries.

So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels, There are murders in all of the books. that she was playing them out in real life?

Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Bad Dates. Wait, Robbie, I need to hear this story. What is the bad date that you went on? Well, I didn't even send a story.

I just want to, I want to flip. I want to flip. Basically, if the date was bad, it's you. This is what I'm gonna say. Hit the beat. You just came here to judge everybody. You just came here to beat play guys. Do you know how good at dating I am?

I have to be, I have to be. I got no dick. I'm out here with Langston Kerman. Chris Redd, do you know how good, I'm bringing the topics. I'm bringing the questions. I am curious bitch. I am curious bitch is the name of the episode. That's amazing.

I literally am. It's crazy. I'm out here competing. I got no dick. I'm sorry about that, Robbie. Yeah, honestly, you should have a dick. No, it's really crazy. Robbie, you got a dick at the house.

I know you bought one to the wish you'd have a dick. It's really crazy. It's like I tell my girl now, it's like, if you like me, you gotta like me. There's no other reason to like me. Like my girlfriend, she's a beauty queen. She was an NFL cheerleader and ICU nurse for eight years during COVID,

the fucking bachelorette for fuck's sake. Okay? You could potentially, she's so sick beyond that, that most people never get to know and I have the privy of knowing. But if you didn't get to know that about her, how sick she was in every other way, intellectually, creatively, just beautiful inside and out,

you could potentially- Ooh, Raffi is in love, bitch. Yeah, you could theoretically love her for other reasons, other than herself. With me, you can't. You have to like me for me. There's no frills. I'm not giving you anything else.

So it's kind of like you're fucked. If you're into me, you gotta, something's up. Like, many people could be into her. It would be normal. This is a normal type of sexuality. But many people could be into her. It would be normal. This is a normal type of sexual, if you have a sexual orientation towards somebody like my girlfriend, it's normal. Me, you got the problem.

You're saying there's no Venn diagram between you and your girlfriend for attraction. I got you, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, exactly, like if she's into me, like she's a mental, like something, like she's not a king. Like there's something really strange. But you guys have been together for a little while.

How long have you guys been together? Yeah, over a year now. I'm very in love. Oh, congratulations. That was beautiful. Thank you so much. But I'm just saying it's like, if the date is bad, think about how good

I gotta be on a date to even make it happen. Like the fact that I'm- Robbie, you are not talking to me because I am great on dates. I am good on dates. Of course you're good on dates. I'm bringing conversation. I'm bringing smell good. I'm bringing a look.

I'm bringing the vibe. Sometimes I'm bringing- Of course. I'm good on dates. Whoa. Of course you're good on dates. But even if you were bad on dates But even if you were bad on dates, even if you were bad on dates, Marie,

you're so stunning and energetic and magnetic. OK, you said I look like Langston? Ah! No. Way prettier than Langston. Langston's an Adonis, and you're a beauty queen. Even if you said nothing on the date, somebody might still be into you.

If I bomb a date, like there's nothing saving me. It's not gonna be my glasses, certainly not gonna be my haircut. Like there's nothing, there's nothing there. I like the way you yell. You like your walkway. You yell very well, I will say that. You know, every time you yell,

I feel like I should be completing an assignment. Yeah. Well, that's it. If the date was bad, it's you. You didn't bring it. Yeah. Okay, because I am working the date. I don't care if it's-

Well, Robbie, give us an example of some of the topics that you've shown up on a date. Give me some good- Oh, that's good. Yeah. Right. You've shown up- Just anything about the person. It's, for me, the date, good. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Right. You shown up. Just anything about the person. It's for me, the date is like,

it's the opposite of this podcast. I'm not talking to me. Like, I'm just like, I never run out of a question task. I'm curious fucking George. I never go on, I'll let her, and then she takes off at 10 minutes. I ask a question about that. I go into that.

And it's a natural curiosity, unless she's really wrong. I have left a very honest to just like, you know, if I went out with a date once. This was at the time, online dating had just come out. I don't online date. I never really have online dated because I'm really 73. But when it first came out, first came out, this was like in the era where you would post like a head shot, you know, and then show up on the date. Surprise. I look like this, you know, versus like, you know, it was like, I remember going on a date once with a girl who had, you know, brown hair in the picture. She shows up pink streaks. Now, bitch, was I not honest? I put a frontal

I put a side shot you're getting a full body you're getting this Yes, I'm like an inmate getting booked I give you every fucking picture And would you the streaks alone was the only change? I don't like this honestly fine. I don't like like dishonesty. It doesn't matter how big or small. You're like, no, this is a sign of a worse. If we're only going on pictures and dating, then we have the pictures must tell as much as they can. I understand that they must.

But Robbie, the rest of her face looked the same. Her body was the same. She was dishonest. It's a character flaw. You cannot fix this. But that's crazy. I mean, so if she wearing heels, like that ain't your height bitch.

Like yeah, that's not this. Pink hair, if you're a pink hair girl, it's totally different than a natural hair girl. No problem. But pink, it's a whole other person. Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh, this is that type of person who does something, who colors their hair

in clown-like fashion. Robbie said Avril Lavigne? Literally, literally. And nothing wrong. You gotta get the pink hair girl on the podcast. She had the nightmare date. Nothing wrong. She showed up and then Robbie said no.

Get the fuck out of here. She was just trying something new, man. She was trying something new. That's all she was trying to do. Robbie said, you lying ass bitch. And you know she stood up and started shouting. You know Robbie was being lying. You tried to trick me.

No. I think we got off on the, I think very clearly we're not who we portrayed ourselves to be. That's okay. This pink strip in her hair, dog. That's crazy. Okay, okay. And that's okay.

We're looking for different things. I like an honest connection. Some people like to put on some facade and then come out later. The other thing is, I got to plug this in. Okay, the laptop dying. Okay. The other thing is, I gotta plug this in. Okay, the laptop dying. Okay, right. The other thing is, like, I have no problem ending a date, because I know I'm, I went out with a date with this girl.

We went to a really nice bar in Montreal. This is when I was living there. Poutine. And she, her aspirations were getting to me. What were her goals? No, she wanted to open a bookshop, which already in the 2010s. Terrible.

They're closing. Like, I don't see them. I'm already like, oh, like I would be supporting this individual and I'm a clown myself. Like I don't see how this is gonna work. It's like opening a blockbuster, nigga. Yes. She then goes in to specify it was specifically a sci-fi themed bookshop.

So now she's even limiting niche, niche, niche. So I said, after one drink, she said, do you wanna stay for another? I said, actually, as a matter of fact, I don't. I don't think there's a connection there, but I wish you all the best. I like how you signed off on your bad day. The idea of you gesticulating the beats.

Unfortunately, I don't. I don't. I'm not gonna lie, date one. I like that you terminate dates, yo. Like you terminate that shit, nigga. It's not even just leaving. You're just like, oh, and I've resigned. This is my resignation.

It's like, no, I have, this is my resignation. It's like, no, I just, why would I waste somebody's time anymore? I'm going to send them an email after just to just for closure. I'm going to pay for this drink. I wish you all the best with your book endeavors. And that's, can I say this, Robbie, this is where both stories that you've told, this is my issue, is that what you're asking for is not unreasonable. You make clear demands, you identify yourself, that's fine.

It's the way you dismount every time you do a nasty little jab at the essence of them as human beings. Just as you're walking away, you go, good luck with your little bookstore, whatever it is. And then- Your book endeavors. Robbie, thank you for giving us, uh, you know, your take on, on what a bad date

is and how to disrespect somebody when you dump them at the first date. Hey y'all, it's your girl, Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat, actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast Baby This Is Kiki Palmer is blowin' up y'all, cuz every episode I bring on an icon. Like, when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls hating on Disney adults, or when Jordan Peele explained why we love scary movies even though the world is already creepy as fuck. Tune in to learn a little and laugh a lot, because your girl keeps it real. Listen on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple

Podcasts. I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankenpun. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we're going to be exploring the life of Margaret Thatcher. The first female leader of Britain. Her 11-year premiership completely overhauled British society.

The political legacy of Thatcherism is both pervasive but also controversial. So who was the woman behind the policies? Wow, what a titan of modern British history, Peter. It's kind of intimidating, actually. We spent days, days recording this one. And just to cut it down, there is so much that happens over the course of Margaret Thatcher's life that we've had to think really hard

about what we can include. And this is, of all the characters we've done so far, the one who's had the most personal impact on my conscious, waking, real-time life. I mean, I lived through her, I was born under her. I'm a Thatcher baby. That's going to be set to dance music. So follow Legacy now from wherever you get your podcasts.

Or binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wondery+. Langston, let's talk about your bad date. Okay, it's my turn. The year 2012. That's right. I was wearing bow ties in the club. It was a different time in America. Oh my God.

Nigga, that was the time when niggas were doing business casual with jeans. Business casual. I was in a bow tie to work. What a terrible time, nigga. Take it to the club. Everybody just dressed like a youth pastor, nigga, in different ways. I had a button up shirt and jeans.

I was doing a lot at one time. And the shirt's untucked. Everyone's untucked. Of course. Wait, wait, wait, did you tuck the front behind the belt? Nig untucked. Of course. Wait, wait, wait. Did you tuck the front behind the belt? No, no, no. Okay, I did that.

You were doing something different. I've seen those pictures. I'll say that for myself. I didn't tuck it in the front and I never threw a blazer on top of it. I was mostly keeping it simple, keeping it honest. You know what I mean? simple, keeping it honest. You know what I mean?

Anyway. Right, bow tie. I was getting, I was chasing tail in Boston and I met a nice Haitian girl with the biggest ass I've ever seen in my life to this day. It remains a sweet memory. Undefeated. That I'll never forget, undefeated.

And I met her and I was drinking, I should be clear, I was drinking black rum at the time. That was my drink of choice, Kraken. Are we familiar with? Oh my God, the Kraken? With the Kraken brand. Black rum. Black rum.

Damn, and so your neck was wet and hot. Yeah. Is that both sides? Yeah, Kraken. Listen, it was a bad year for me too. I wasn't necessarily poor, but I was making poor choices, you know what I mean? Okay.

And anyway, I meet this nice girl and we go on a date and then we plan a second date. She's gonna come to a show that I'm doing. Why do men do this? Because it works perfectly. Because it works. It works. It is magic. I'm not advocating for y'all to do it.

But boy, oh boy, was it working out for me. Yeah. And some niggas like it. Some niggas like to watch women be funny, right? No. I know people that do. If you go out with Langston, first of all, if he didn't, if he did nothing, you'd be thrilled.

Then you see him and he's brilliant and funny. It's like it's really- Yo, Robbie's trying to bang. No, Robbie's trying to pull. No, he's giving credit where credit is due. I've never felt more unattractive than being on his podcast, bro. No, and you're on QT.

Like, Robbie has attacked me. Robbie has done nothing but attack my person. And she has been doing nothing but building up Langston. She's built up Langston. She's like, you're a ghoul. You couldn't trick a woman at Wingstop. Me? I could just sit there.

Nothing to do. But Chris, you and I are in different boats than Marie and Langston. Can we be honest? Nigga, I don't know what boat you on. What the fuck are we talking about? You're very cute. But if you pop my glasses on, we look somewhat, I would just say,

there's a similar head shape. Robbie said it's given Tia and Tamara. Absent. It's giving Jewish, Chris. I've never been so disrespected in my entire life. It's giving Jewish. Listen, little Larry David, I do not look like you. Okay, well see you're defensive.

Yeah, I'm absolutely defensive. What's wrong with looking like me? What are you trying to say? I think you're both gorgeous. I think you're a trouble in your own special way. I just had to defend myself since I plugged this goddamn mic in. Okay, so you're drinking black rum with rum and what rum and coke? Yeah, I was so I would buy a 20 ounce vanilla coke from across the street at a gas station

and I'd pour about two thirds of it out and then I'd fill the third of it out and then I'd fill the rest with black rum and that would be what I walk around with throughout the evening. Just- That was your drink of the night. Yeah, but I was like taking it places and shit. It was a bad time in my life, of drinking and making choices.

That's the point. I invite this girl to come to the show and she doesn't show up on time. She doesn't make it in time for the show and ends up having to drink at the show and she doesn't show up on time. She doesn't make it in time for the show and ends up having to drink at the bar downstairs because they won't let her in. It's giving Marie. Yeah.

Damn. Yeah, she's a baddie. She's making wild choices again. The fattest ass I've ever seen in my life. And so she's drinking downstairs waiting for the show and she's drinking a fuck ton, I think because she's drinking downstairs waiting for the show and she's drinking a fuckton, I think because she's nervous and because she's embarrassed for having not made it on time.

And so we both- You could be an alcoholic. And maybe perhaps she is. Absolutely, absolutely, could have been just her habit. Well, yeah, cause you know, with giant ass comes lots of responsibility. So that's right. And also you have to fill the ass up with a lot of liquor

because it's so big. That's why it's so fat. It's full. Absolutely. It's like a camel's hump storage for later. I understand. Right, right, right. So she's lit, but she misses you.

I'm lit because black rum, whatever. And we have a nice enough time that we decide to go back to my place. We're walking back to my place and you know, talking my shit, we having a good time, whatever. And then all of a sudden she goes, she stops, she completely stops walking. She freezes and she goes, keep walking. I said, I don't know what, and then she said, you gotta keep walking. Now what happened? Why are we, why are we doing this? And then she was like,

just keep walking. I'm like, bro, you're, this is uncomfortable for me. I don't know. Like, you know what I mean? Like what happened? But I got to understand. She's like, I'm about to pee on myself. And I said, oh, okay. Langston said, oh, you could pee on me. Okay. And then I just kept walking. Robbie, please. This is where you interject. Yes. Oh, I mean, I would send her in a car. If that's not your next sentence, I don't know what is. This is 2012. Oh, this is 2012.

I was drinking black rum, baby. He's a gentleman in a bow tie. She peed. She peed. And then, and then... On herself? Or did she, she like run off to the side? I think in the middle of the street she peed. I kept walking. I didn't ask. She squatted though. She didn't like pee on herself like she said.

No, she squatted. Like a lady. Yeah, but I don't know timing wise how it worked in her favor. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm not sure if she caught some panty or what. But she attempted to pee in the middle of the street. And then we kept hanging out. I don't know.

I was like, I don't know. We're gonna keep hanging out. My question for you Langston is, you get back to the, you finally get to the house. Are there wet wipes? Is it a tubular tissue situation? Thank you for asking, yeah. Do you have cha-cha-cha charm in? Like, where? I was in a wave, thank God, where I was wet wiping.

Again, 2012, we didn't know that there were fucking up pipes. You know what I mean? Like, we thought- You were flushing them! I still flush them! Wet wipes were free range! up pipes, you know what I mean? Like we thought- You were flushing them. I still flush them. Wet wipes were free range. Let the wipes go. Let them go down that damn drain.

That's not right. I'll be honest with y'all. I don't know a lot about what's gonna happen to this planet. I know that's not helping. Thankfully I had wet wipes that I offered her and allowed her to- Did you get into that ass? Yeah, you know I did Robbie.

Yeah, I know. I ain't gonna ask you that question. I already knew what it was. If a nigga's still hanging out after a lady pees in a public place, you smashing. Langston, out of curiosity's sake, what are you doing with ass? What do you mean? I like to do a lot to it if they let me. And I'm not really sure what that question is about.

I'm an ass eater myself. Okay. I wasn't in 2012. I'll be honest with you. When I was 17, I ate ass, but it's so close to the vagina. 17 you ate ass? Yeah. Oh, Robbie, you might've discovered eating ass.

But when you're a guy, everything you're doing is weird. Like nothing is like normal. Robbie, you were eating ass. You might eat, hold on, hold on. Everything you're doing is weird. Like nothing is like normal. Robbie, you were eating ass before you were eating wings? That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yes, actually. That's crazy.

Yes, because I stopped in Kosher at 19 and I started eating ass at 17. At 17! Fuck! That is so crazy, bro. Bad Dates. We have a listener story that I wanna read. Dear Bad Dates, on our first date,

this guy offers to take me to a strip club, okay? Justifying by saying that the drinks are the same price as any bar would be, but at least we get entertainment for our drinks. Okay. Feeling tired, I agreed, thinking it can't be too bad. This guy has maybe 12 drinks in the time it takes me to have one.

Then a couple is trying to hit on us and convince us to have an orgy or swing with them. They buy me a dance where the stripper shoves my face in her breasts. Then I swear to God, my date pulls out his boner and full on starts to jerk it like no one can see him. I was freaking the fuck out. It only stopped because he had whiskey dick

and couldn't stay hard. Oh no. That's the problem. So quick? Oh no. After much convincing that it's late and we should head home, my date finally leaves the strip club

and throws up outside. I have to take care of him, and then he proceeds to try to kiss me with his bar face. And when I turn him down, he's like, do you not like me? I forgave him and later we got married. Oh wait, okay, wait, okay, not really. No, no. Oh wait, hold on, hold on.

Okay, not really, okay, not really. I ditched that fool in the parking lot. Well, listen, first of all, this is this lady's fault. I was just gonna say. Thank you, Robbie, because she made the conscious decision to go on a date to a strip club with a guy who is asking her so casually to do this that he's done this before.

So he's not outside of his world. This is what he do. He makes the strip club. This is his cheers. Yeah, he's like, man, baby. He's high fiving asses, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? He do, he, he, he flicking titties.

You know what I'm saying? He is a known entity here. You know what I mean? And so now she's in a strip club, like, I'm not tired. This could be fun. All her detailing is shit that happens at a strip club. Yeah, they gonna shove your face in some titties. Absolutely.

Nothing about this is weird, besides the fact that you went with this nigga and was surprised that he was alcoholic. Literally. And pulled his dick out. Like, absolutely he will. 100% you. 100%.

It's like, have a sense. Like in the first in the first line, you're saying, I thought it was weird. Done. If you think it's weird now, imagine a relationship. Done. What? Done. The first sentence is got to work. Absolutely. Absolutely. It can't be like, you know what? I love murdering. But listen, you know, I mean, like, don't. That's it.

Listen, the first date, a first date in a strip club is wild, cause I can't get to know you here. No. I know you're an ass man or a titty man. Like I don't know you when we leave here. And it's crazy as you complaining about this couple coming up off of y'all orgy, what they supposed to do? He already got his dick out.

They like his dick already out. So y'all should just come on bringing his old dick in. Yeah, they said, let's go tell them we like they vibe. Yeah. Yeah. We saw you from across the bar. And that lady's ass cheeks got in the way. But we moved them.

And I got something for that whiskey, didn't playboy. Take this. Bad Dates. Well guys, thank you for all of your hilarious bad dates. Let the people who are listening figure out where they can see more of you, where they can catch you, doing what you do so well. We'll start with you, Robbie. You can check out my podcast, The Too Far Pod.

New York Times called it addictive. That is every Tuesday, wherever you find podcasts for nudes, you can check me out on Instagram at Robbie Hoffman. And I post all my show dates. Yeah, I have a couple of nice photos of myself on there. I want to take a gander. And I post all my show dates. You can come see me live.

Okay, Langston, where can people listen and see you? You can follow me at Langston Kerman on all the social media forms. Yep. And you can listen to my podcast, it's called My Mama Told Me. I host it with David Borey, we talk about black conspiracy theories. We make the world a better place. It's beautiful. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.

Now finally, Chris Cutie Patsootie, where can people find you? You can find me, ChrisRedIs, on Instagram. I am chrisred.com for all my tour dates. If you're in New York, I'm at the cell all the time. I'm always doing stand up. And you can catch me in the gym working on my tour dates. If you're in New York, I'm at the cell all the time. I'm always doing stand up. And you can catch me in the gym working on my insecurities. So, you know, we out here, baby.

We out here. Which gym? You at Equinox? I'm at Equinox. Yeah, he's definitely. I'm Equinoxing. I'm in a boxing gym in Jersey. Yeah, I'm all over the place, man.

Whatever y'all want. Wow. Wow. Wow. Looking forward to seeing your 12 pack all summer long. Absolutely. As soon as it gets the right amount of shark, nigga, I'm never wearing a shirt again. I can't wait personally, Chris.

I can't wait. It's going to be like looking in the mirror, baby. I can't wait. Thank you guys so much for being here. And I hope you guys enjoyed this beautiful episode full of bad dates and some advice from the Robbie Hoffman. Thank you guys. I've been Marie Faustin. Thank you guys for listening. Bye. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery.

Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant. Engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett,

Sean Hayes and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schledder. If you've had a bad date, please share it with us at 984-265-3283, or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it.

That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Bad Dates. Smart. Plus. Media. Payton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time.

I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All the time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, if you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wanderys newest podcast, Lemme Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet

so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise? Mother. A mother to many. Follow Lemme Say This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd, or you can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts.