Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Let's Get Messy (w/ Ian Fidance, Jordan Jensen, and Jeff Hiller)

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Ian Fidance, Jordan Jensen, and Jeff Hiller to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Ian proves everybody has a price, especially when it involves pizza, Jordan uses a window for more than fresh air, and Jeff stumbles onto a very awkward birthday celebration. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Ian Fidance: http://www.ianfidance.com/Jordan Jensen: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/Jeff Hiller: @boomboomhiller on InstagramSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Alan Turing. Why are we talking about Alan Turing, Peter? Alan Turing is the father of computer science. And some of those questions we're thinking about today around artificial intelligence. Turing was so involved in setting and framing what some of those questions were.

But he's also interesting for lots of other reasons, Afro. He had such a fascinating life. He was unapologetically gay at a time when that was completely criminalised and stigmatised. And from his imagination, he created ideas that have formed a very physical, practical foundation for all of the technology on which our lives depend. And on top of that, he's responsible for being part of a team that saved millions,

maybe even tens of millions of lives because of his work during the Second World War using maths and computer science to code break. So join us on Legacy wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Matt Ford. And I'm Alice Levine. And we're the hosts of British Scandal. In our latest series, we're visiting one of the rockiest sibling relationships ever. OK, so I'm thinking Danny and Kylie. No, no, no, I'm thinking Anne Boleyn and the other Boleyn.

No, no, Barry and Paul Chuckle. No, it's Noel and Liam Gallagher. Now these two couldn't be more different, but they're tied to each other in musical dependency. Despite their music catching the attention of people around the world, Liam's behaviour could destroy their chances. However, their manager saw an opportunity to build a brand around their rebellious nature. It's got fights on boats, fights on planes, fights on land. They just fight everywhere. If you like fights, you'll love this.

To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and ad-free on Wondry+, on Apple Podcasts or on the Wondry app. Andriapp. In this series, we're talking about a man who was world famous before he was even born. A life of extreme privilege that was mapped out from the start, but left him struggling to find his true purpose. A man who, compared to his big brother, felt a bit, you know, spare. Yes, it's Prince Harry. You might think you know everything about him, but trust me, there's even more. We follow Harry and the obsessive, all-consuming relationship of his life, not with Meghan but the British tabloid press. Hounded and harassed, Harry is taking on an institution

almost every bit as powerful as his own royal family. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and add free on Wandery Plus on Apple podcasts or the Wandery app. Hey, Bad Dates listeners. This is Kyle McGraw, producer and editor at Smartless Media. We've got another staff pick for you this week, and I'm so glad it's my turn because this episode truly is one of my favorites. Jeff Hiller, Ian Fydance, and Jordan Jensen were absolutely hysterical.

I was cracking up the entire time we were recording. The banter in the back and forth between Jordan and Ian and Jeff just sitting back watching this chaos unfold. It just something about it just gets me every single time I listen to it. And I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do. Here we go. Let's get messy. I snuck a man through my window the other day and had sex with him. Why did you have to sneak him in through your window? Yeah, because he's friends with my roommate. Wait, you had sex with that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was it? We weren't, it was fine.

Wait, you needed it to be so secret that he climbed through the window, but you're like just blaring it on podcasts now? We are, I already told the roommate, I just thought it would be fun to sneak him in through the window. I thought that would be harder for me. I really needed to increase the heat of the situation

because the person wasn't bringing a lot of it. Oh my God. needed to increase the heat of the situation because the person wasn't bringing a lot of it. I really hope he doesn't listen to this podcast. Jeff, Jordan and Ian, hello and welcome to Bad Dates. Oh, thanks for having us. Thanks for having us. Hi. It's so nice to see you all. I'm a massive fan of all of you. I continue to be quite starstruck on this podcast. I think you're all fucking brilliant and I can't quite believe you're here. Ian and Jordan, you guys have been friends for how long now? Because you

have a podcast together, but how long does this go back? Seven? Six. Six years. Yes. You have all the dirt on each other, correct? You'll be able to correct one if one starts lying. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's already lying. Yeah, I already lied. I said eight years.

She called me out. It was six. I'm going to call BS too, even though I don't know y'all. I'm just gonna do it. Just for fun. Do it. Let's get messy, bitch. Let's do it. Okay.

Okay, well, I really appreciate you being here. This is where everyone gets to let their freak flag fly when it comes to everything that they have done or been through on the road to love shagging or both. I have had less experience than most regrettably and it's nice of me to be able to learn from everyone else as to what it is like out in the wild. Jeff, I'm going to ask you first before we get started, how do you feel about dating? How do you feel like you are as a date? What's it like to date you?

Oh, I don't think I'm very good at it. I think, but I do think that people know if they're wanting to continue the date with me very immediately, but when I was dating, people would be like, I'm out within like five minutes of me coming into the restaurant. I think that just means I'm an acquired taste. Yeah, really. They'd ring the bell, they'd leave in like,

fairly early into being there, that's fucking crazy. All they know what- Like before you ordered a drink, yeah. I mean, that's a bit, that's too harsh, it's too honest, but it was also nice to not have your time fucking wasted and have you go and spend a bunch of money. Do you know what I mean? It's efficient. Absolutely. 100%. Why, why is that? Are you walking in?

They can hear you and speak English. Sorry, sorry. Why is that? Is that because you're walking in and they're like, is that Jeff? And you're like, hey, I'm Jeff. And they're like, okay, no thank you. Like, what is? No, he, you cut the date off. No, no, they did.

No, they cut the day off. Yeah. Why do you think that is? Ian, I think it's because I was- Just Dick was out. Oh, yeah. Casually just out of, just like, out of the flap. And it was my ear, it was out of my ear.

So people were like weird. We call that a Delaware hello, where I'm from. Yes. Delaware, I love it. It's so harsh, Delaware, that's the joke part of that. Well, I'm just, the Delaware den and the Delaware hello, it's too much. I think it's because I was dating on not even apps,

it was pre-apps, but it was like websites. And I think I had curated my photos perhaps too well. That people- I think they just knew they couldn't handle you, Jeff. Yeah. Also, I think I read tiny, but I'm very big. Like in a photo, I think I look small, but then I show up and I'm six foot five and it's a lot.

I have the same thing. Everyone is horrified by how large I am. Yep, yeah, it's like King Kong. Look at you two bragging about being able to- Oh, what's it like down there? How's the weather, Ian? See easily at concerts. Are you kidding me?

Yeah, but being despised by everyone at concerts, right? It's not as easy as you think it is. And they're passive- How tall are you guys? Six, how tall are you? Six, five. I'm five, 11, yeah. Oh my God.

Five, 11 is tall. I'm five, nine. I would climb both of you like a spider monkey. I mean, I'm into it. And I would let you, Ian. Yes. I would fucking let you. I'll bring a stepladder just to kiss you on the forehead.

I wouldn't say that. I actually would not say what you think. You could climb me like I'll be your tree. I'll be your tree, Ian. I'll be your tree, Ian. So Jordan, I've been a big fan of you now this whole year after watching a video of yours that went viral in which you told an audience that you used to sleep

with your stepbrother. And it's one of the funniest videos. I slept with him one time. Okay, you slept with him one time. But I would have done it more, but we live in different states. Yeah. One time. I was instantly obsessed with you, as was I think the entire internet.

I have sent that to about 90 different comics, all of whom are deeply jealous of that bit, of that performance. But I've gone on since to look through all of your content and I feel like you just, there's no fucking way you won't go Jordan. And so therefore, I'm thrilled to learn what your dating life is like. How do you feel about dating? Do you enjoy it? Oh well, I have a bad dating life. I'm very bad at it. I choose poorly and I reject very sweet, nice, compassionate people and I only go for insane assholes who hate me. If you

hate me, we're dating, you know? If you like me, it's disgusting. No, I understand that. I understand that. That's fair. Ian, what about you? I feel like you seem like a fun date. You know, I'm a bit too fun because you like me, you like me because I'm fun and I'm wild and you never know what'll happen. And then- Is this the voice that you do when you're on the date? Well, listen, if you date me intimately

and you're my girlfriend, I will talk to you like you are my cat. And that becomes a problem where I come in the house and I go, you are my girlfriend, la la la la la. It's true, it's true. And no one likes it. No one likes it. People like it for a bit. That's the thing.

I'm good in small doses. And when you date me, I've come to realize the best way to be in like a fully intimate, loving, committed relationship is to never fully be myself. Bad dates. Bad dates. be myself. Ian, your stories are called, Why Some People Can Drink and Others Can't, which is the most amazing biography title ever.

Oh, that's a good idea. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would love to have you write the forward of that biography, but I never had a good, nothing good ever happened when I drank. Like one time I woke up in a guy's bed. I didn't know how I got there. And he was like an Australian man. And I was like, how'd I end up here? And he goes, well, in a pizza shop, you bet me that I couldn't fuck you in the ass for a slice of pizza.

And I go, did you fuck me in the ass? He goes, no, you came back and passed out like a naked, stuck pig. And I was like, well, you owe me a slice of pizza. You know, when you said he was Australian, I thought you were going to be like, it turns out I was in Australia. Like you had blacked out and got on a plane. 24 hours. Instead of waking up in another state or country, I would just wake up in another person, in another person.

I think I was in another country because I had an accent, but it just turns out I was living a degenerative life. So there's a time where you showed up on acid? Oh, yeah. Yeah, years ago. You know when you have like a day off and you don't think anything's going to happen. So you're like, why don't I dose myself

with a herraculant amount of acid and go to the park? And so I did that. And this girl I met was like, I'm in your neighborhood. Meet up with me. And I was like, Oh, no. So I got so I went. So you went. Yeah, I went skipping steps. Yeah. How did you meet her? And why did you make the decision to go from Oh, no to okay.

I because I met her after a show. And she was like into me. And then she told me she had a kid and my life was a mess and I was like, well, maybe I just need to be a father. So maybe I need to be a tree on acid. So I showed up to this, this impromptu date and she's reading the New York Times obituary section at like when I get there and she's like, Oh, I love reading obituaries. It's so interesting to read about people's lives. Oh, what a manic pixie dream girl move. That's so annoying. That's so fucking annoying. Oh, it ticked off.

Natalie Portman, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Ticked off every box for me. So I was like, Oh, I'm into this. And then when she started talking, I was like, what if she reads my obituary? And like the wall started melting behind her, but I sounded, I kept thinking she was gonna,

I was dead and she was gonna like read my obituary and be like, like, you know, at the end of Beetlejuice when they, all the dead people show up in the waiting room, I thought that that's, yes, I thought that I, she was gonna like, let me know, you've been dead this whole time. So this is going on in my brain and like, my reality is unfolding, but out loud,

I sounded so cool. Cause I go, why you put that paper away? And let's say we get out of here. And she was like, yeah, let's go. And I was like, woohoo. So, you know, I don't know if you guys have ever done acid, but when you enter a new space, it's like opening up a new part of the world.

And like when we walked outside, she immediately goes, what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I hate her so much. I'm sorry. She's all, she sucked. This routine of the day, that's ever happened to you. Oh, I hate her so much. I'm sorry. She's all over me. She's sucked. This routine of the date, the performance of indie movie starring Zoë Deschanel

is making me just want to scream. Sorry, go on. I mean, you also sound like a fucking mess in this scenario. I was a nightmare, Jamila. I was an insane person. That's why I've stopped doing drugs and drinking. Um, amazingly, you still have more stories. Oh, I was on like my last run of drinking.

My, uh, I was doing coke on a metro card waiting to get into a bar and some girl showed up and was like, can I have some? And I was like, uh, okay. So I shared it with her and she's like, let's go to another bar. I always get drinks for free. And I was like, my kind of gal. So we get in this bar and I swear to God,

the second we walk in, the bartender goes, Michelle, get out. And I was like, what? And she's like, yeah, I would, I got kicked out and banned because I would always steal drinks. So her idea of free drinks was stealing drinks. And I was like, she's an icon. We went to another bar and I blacked out and I came to, and we were both naked in the bathroom doing coke. And I was like, how shit, why are we both naked? And then we put our clothes on to go back to my place. And then was like, how shit, why are we both naked? And then

we put our clothes on to go back to my place. And then she hits me with I'm kind of in between places right now. Can I stay here? And I was like, I mean, obviously, yeah, but then you gotta, you know, leave. She left. And then this is kind of sad. My roommate found me drinking whiskey behind a dumpster. And then I just like blacked out again and came to, and I was just bleeding out of my nose doing coke. And I was like, there's, there's, there's gotta be a change.

Why are you behind the dumpster? Cause I didn't want anyone to see that was your last night of drinking. No way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh good. Yeah. Last day of drinking. Cause this happened last night. The night before was last night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. Last day of drinking. I've been sober eight years since God, God willing, if I do tomorrow, what I did today, I'll get another day.

And it's been heavenly ever since almost kind of anyway, Jordan, you're a whore. Go ahead. Thank you for sharing those amazing stories. No problem. We'll be right back. Bad Gates. Have you ever felt like escaping to your own desert island? Well, that's exactly what Jane, Phil and their three kids did

when they traded their English home for a tropical island they bought online. But paradise has its secrets and family life is about to take a terrifying turn. You don't fire at people in that area without some kind of consequence. And he says, yes ma'am, he's dead. There's pure cold-blooded terror running through me. From Wondery, I'm Alice Levine, and this is The Price of Paradise, the real-life story of an island dream

that ends in kidnap, corruption and murder. Search and follow The Price of Paradise now to listen to the full trailer. Hello, I'm Hannah. And I'm Suriati. And we are the hosts of Red Handed, a weekly true crime podcast. Every week on Red Handed, we get stuck into the most talked about cases. From Idaho student killings, the Delphi murders and our recent rundown of the Murdoch saga. Last year we also started a second weekly show, Shorthand, which is just an excuse for

us to talk about anything we find interesting because it's our show and we can do what we like. We've covered the death of Princess Diana, an unholy Quran written in Saddam Hussein's blood, the gruesome history of European witch hunting and the very uncomfortable phenomenon of genetic sexual attraction. Whatever the case, we want to know what pushes people to the extremes of human behavior. Like can someone give consent to be cannibalized? What drives a child to kill?

And what's the psychology of a terrorist? Listen to Red Handed wherever you get your podcasts and access our bonus shorthand episodes exclusively on Amazon Music or by subscribing to Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app. And we're back. All right, Jordan, you are in fact up. You have a story called The Gayest Straight Girl. Um, that is my, that is my cross to be. I was raised by lesbians, so I don't really know how to be anything but a lesbian, but I like men. Okay, so there was this guy who I worked for. This is crazy. I put an edition on this guy's house and he was very annoying about it because my name is Jordan, right? So I

changed my business name to Lady Parts Carpentry so that people would know I was a woman because before this they would call me and I would show up and I'd be a woman and they would feel emasculated, but they didn't want to unhire me. So they'd be like, okay. But then this one guy would just follow me around the, and the whole time I was building this edition, he would just be trying to help me out, fucking things up. I would have to undo it. And then like his like wife comes in, I meet the wife. She kind of was okay. I felt bad for her cause she had to be married to this guy.

Anyway. And then a few weeks later he emails me, he goes, Oh, I don't, I'm glad that you're a female carpenter. So I don't have to worry about you. Fuck. And my wife, right. And I was like, yeah, but I am like finger banging all of your candies and snacks and jam jars. Right. And then so, and then like a month later, he emails me and he's like, me and my wife want to invite you back. And we were wondering if you wanted to have a threesome with us.

And I was like, so livid at this point at how inappropriate it was that I wrote back, having a threesome with you and your wife is going to be the same feeling as putting an addition on your house. You're going to follow us around with your shitty little tool, trying to help us out, pretending to know what you're doing. And I was like, your wife is going to be like the addition. I'll be the one to finish to build it up and I'll be the one to finish it off. Okay. And then we, I also didn't talk to Michelle ever again. That's the greatest possible answer you could have given. Did he think it was like topless maids when he hired you? I think he thought that since he- That's a good idea. Topless women construction workers.

I think it's not a great idea. What? Well, because there's a lot of power tools. No, because with the maids, it's like you've got mops, you've got flannels, like it's different. It's different. I think with a power saw, don't have your tits out.

I think. You know, hey, look... Call me old fashioned, Ian. Also, I think it would jiggle them in a not cute way. I think it would jiggle them in like a- No, I think it's always a cute way, but I still think it's dangerous, yeah. Did you get a lot of men creeping on you then, Jordan,

when you were doing that job? The most creepy I get is outside of the jobs. Like if I, like walking from truck to job with nail bag on. I mean, people just lose their minds. They cannot believe that they see a lady with a nail bag on. I mean, people just lose their minds. They cannot believe that they see a lady with a nail bag on. A lot of people scream, you got balls, which is really annoying to me. Not because like I'm a woman, but I just think it's stupid to equate testicles with a nail bag. Yeah. That doesn't help at all. Testicles don't it's like saying to a cop, you know, you have like a dream journal. It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense. So then tell me about your hinge date. I really didn't even like that guy this much. He was very like... Why? Because he was nice to you? Well, because he kept talking about... This is the Venice biennale guy. He kept talking about the Venice biennale and I didn't know what that was, but it's like an art show in Italy, but I had just been to the Whitney biennale.

So that was like fresh in my mind. And he was like the biennale, the biennale. And I was like, are you trying to say the word biennale by any chance? And then he was like, that's an English and Italian. The word is biennale. And I did not say this out loud in my stand up. I say that I said out loud, but I started like sweating. My pupils got here. I started panicking and I thought that we had been speaking Italian to each other. And then the mushrooms had like tapped into something that I didn't know that I had.

And I was freaking out. It was crazy. And then we went. Thinking that you were speaking a different language the whole time. It's so funny while still trying to be like cute. Yeah. On a date.

Yeah. Like are you talking about the Whitney? Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Meanwhile, on your head, you're just using babble and Google translate. My head is just wah.

And then we go back to, we go back to his place. He lived, like, around the corner from me and he had the same truck as me. That's what I remember, because he had, I thought that he was my height because he had the same truck as me. And there was a picture of him with the, with his truck. But turns out he had like a Toyota from like 89, as opposed to like, I had like a 98.

So his was like, that's a big difference. So he had like a tiny truck and he was a tiny man. Okay. But it just looks from the photo that we were the same size. So then when he showed up on the day, he was like walking towards me and I was tripping out because I was like, he needs to be getting bigger.

Like he has like my depth perception was like, he should be getting bigger. Oh, you had a plot that he was a bit smaller than you. You just thought that you were an Italian woman who'd lost her. Yes, yes, yes. He's a little tiny man. That was in a tiny world with tiny trucks and tiny men.

Yeah. Tiny man. And then, and then, okay, anyway, we were hooking up and we were having mushroom sex, which is the sex that you have when you're just like mashing, right? You're just like going at it. And he went shut up. He went to what did he do? Oh yeah, he pulled me on top of him and I am very bad at going on top.

I really hate doing it. I'm very insecure. Same, same, same, same, same. Really? Oh, that's nice to hear. Yeah, yeah. The fucking worst. The fucking worst. And reverse cowgirl makes me want to kill myself. I can't. Yeah, all of it. You were on top of this man having mash sex, mashroom sex. Oh, yes. He tried to pull me on top of him. I put up the resistance, which is like when you take a dog away from a tree, you know what I mean? And they're like, like that, like this, you know? And then I just was like, fuck it, just go for it.

You're on mushrooms, who cares? You're never gonna see this person again. And then I went for it and my knee went right through his drywall. I was like, I truly, I truly did not think about it. I just immediately, it was like, oh, don't worry about it. I have spackle in my truck. And he was like, and you could tell

that he had been like sitting on this question for a while. And he was like, are you sure you're not gay? And I, it was like, I sobered up immediately. I was so mad. I think, I didn't, I remember because I had a t-shirt on because I'm insecure, but I had no pants or underwear on. So I was just standing up, poo bearing it, just furious. And I remember I was so mad.

And I was like, dude, I just had your dick in my mouth for like a while. And he was like, yeah, that's right. I was like, okay, so maybe, you know, look in the mirror. And he was like, and I thought I remember being like, he's going to get it when I say look in the mirror. And he was like, why? why should I look in the mirror? And I was like, cause you're the one fucking the handyman. Are you gay? And he did not know what to say to that. But that is how I feel.

I'm like, dude, you're the one fucking the guy that you think is a dude who wants to fuck women. You're gay. Did you have to fix his wall? No fucking way. No fucking way. No, he's like, he didn't punch it again. I mean, you've got the tools in your house to take his whole fucking house down. The good thing is you don't have a lot of strong feelings about it afterwards.

Jordan. Yes, I've let it go. I'm really good. Yes. Therapy is really working. I do hate that though. I hate the like, am I? So every boyfriend I've ever had is like, I'm worried that you're going to become a lesbian. And I'm like, I should be- How do you think I feel? Every fucking girl knows I suck cock and they're like, you're gonna leave me for a dick.

I don't eat pussy, dude. I am pulling a cock out of my mouth. Be like, don't worry, I'm not gonna fucking- You're faking the funk. But the stereotypes are really fucking real because I was always like a quote unquote tomboy at school and into my 20s and have never had like very many like girly attributes I guess my whole life. And so it is really weird to get like pigeonholed as to who it is that you must be and be told that you

don't know who you are yet because you don't fit into their stereotype of like what it is that you're supposed to be. It's very annoying. I drive a motorcycle and I don't have a drill in my house, in my car that I could, you know, fuck everything up with afterwards. That's not lesbian. That's just something I agree know how to do. But every woman in my life, I'm jealous of you that you have the tools to take them down. Yes, I should teach. My mom teaches women how to build and she says it is the most infuriating thing in the entire world because women are so lacking in like a hand-eye coordination thing.

Well, yeah, women can't even finish a story. I can't imagine them finishing building a birdhouse. It would be easier for me to finish a story if you didn't interrupt me every two seconds with your sad fucking AA shit. All right, all right. Shusher, how about you try shushing and shush seconds with your sad fucking AA shit. All right. Shusher. How about you try shushing and shush the fuck up?

Jordan, thank you so much for these fucking wild and insane stories. You're a trooper and you do sound like a very fun date actually. Thank you. We'll be right back. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Elna Baker and we have a new podcast that's called Pretty Sure I Can Fly. Yep, we've teamed up with my friends and bar mates from SmartList to create a podcast where we talk to folks who have more balls in a bowl than Ali.

People who accomplish something extraordinary despite people telling them that it couldn't or shouldn't be done. You'll hear stories about the Air Force doctor who buckled into a 600 mile per hour rocket sled and became the fastest man on the planet. And a man who wrestles alligators and sharks for fun. Do not do this. You'll hear about a foul mouth moonshiner. Got a two inch dick and a six inch tongue

and knows how to use both of them. And an even more foul mouth female stunt pilot. We got bull riders. Balloonists. Bop sledders. And big wave surfers. People who lay their balls on an anvil and even more foul-mouthed female stunt pilot. We got bull riders. Balloonists. Bops letters. And big wave surfers. People who lay their balls on an anvil and hand the other fellow the hammer.

Okay, I bet you've actually done that, Johnny. Maybe for sweeps. Follow Pretty Sure I Can Fly on the Wondery app. Or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to Pretty Sure I Can Fly early and ad-free right now on Wondery+. And we're back. early and ad free right now on OneDream Plus. And we're back.

Jeff, you are up now with first date Switeru. What happened there? Uh, okay. Well, uh, when I was first in New York, I was an actor in a non-equity play and the play was called Slut, because class, and I had a showman. You are the manic pixie dream girl here, you're aware of that. Am I? This is just fact.

Yeah. I'm not trying to spend nothing. And I had a showmanse, you know, which is just like, I hooked up with somebody in the cast. And I like immediately loved him. And he was exactly my type, which is willing to kiss me. And he was like, I don't know, kind of like cute

And he was like, I don't know, kind of like cute and like cool and like, you know, like sort of didn't talk to me much. So like, it was one of those things where you could like place what you believe is happening onto him and then you believe it. So I don't know, I was like, we're in love. We're gonna have kids together or whatever. And, but also like we had never gone on a date or anything,

we had just like not even gone home with each other, just like in bars, you know, doing hand and mouth stuff in the stall, you know that kind of thing. And- Yeah. Were you more comfortable doing it than you are comfortable doing it

than you are talking about it right now? I hope. Yes, yes I am, yes. That's Ian's middle name, hand and mouth stuff in a word. Yeah, yeah. Cause you know, in the moment you're like, yeah, let's do this. But then when you were counting it, you're like,

do I sound gross? I don't want everybody to like imagine me doing this. No, not at all. Have you heard the stories from this podcast today? Touche, touche. I'm hard, keep talking. Enough with the shyness. Okay, all we did was oral installs on each other,

not just me on him either. And- You're a true gentleman. Good for you. Yeah, brag. I got some too. Anyway, so he just like kind of ghosted me for a while and I was like texting him and calling him. He shows up at my house one night

because we had tickets to see a show the next night and he showed up the night before to be like, hey, you know, what's going on or whatever. And I was like, oh, I'm so glad you're here. And he's like, look, I have to tell you something. I fooled around with an ex-boyfriend of mine and I'm really sorry. And I was like, oh, that's okay.

Like we hadn't talked about monogamy or anything. Like I was like, oh, that's totally fine, whatever. You know, that kind of kissing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, so you just wanna be, you wanna be the cool person. Do you know what I mean? Like you wanna be nonchalant, like whatever, I'm fun.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. Cause I was a little hurt, but also I was like, I have no room to actually be angry about this. And so then he, he, I was like, well, why don't we go on a date? Let's go on an actual date tonight. And, and he was like, okay, but I want you to know, I want us to be monogamous.

I'm, I'm for real this time. I'm going to be, I want I wanna like just be your boyfriend. And I was like, yes, please. Cause that's all I wanted. I just wanted to be loved so, so bad. And so I was like, great. Yes, I'll be your boyfriend. I'll totally be monogamous.

That sounds great. Awesome. So we were going out and he's like, I wanna go out and celebrate. Let's go somewhere crazy. Let's do something fun. I was like, well, I got an invitation. A friend of mine is having a birthday party tonight.

Do you want to go to my friend's birthday party? And he's like, yeah, let's fucking go to your birthday party. We'll be going as boyfriends. And I was like, yeah. And so we go and it was full of people. It was pre-pandemic. Everyone was just like, let's get diseases.

And so I was talking to these women who I had not met before, but they were mutual friends of the birthday boy. And I was friends with the birthday boy. He was somebody I temped with. Are we that good of friends? I don't know. We saw each other in the break room.

Anyway, so I was talking to them and they were like, what'd you do tonight? And I was like, well, I got a boyfriend. And... And... But I was also like kind of on fire and they were like laughing so hard and they were like, but they were like really kind and warm

and they were like excited for me that I was dating someone. I pointed him out across the room and then like, and then one of the women was like, wait, which one was he? And we couldn't find him. And I was like, I don't know where he is. And I just was like, oh, he's in the kitchen,

which is like sort of off the thing. He's probably getting a drink in the kitchen. Probably getting me a drink because I'm his new boyfriend. He's probably getting me a drink. Oh, Probably getting me a drink, because I'm his new boyfriend. He's probably getting me a drink! Oh, Jimmy Lee, isn't that so sweet of him? Anyway, then finally one of them goes, no, I just saw him go into the bathroom.

And I was like, oh. I was like, oh, so he's peeing. And they were like, well, he's been there a long time, and he didn't go in alone. And I was like, oh. Well, they a long time and he didn't go in alone. And I was like, oh, well they're probably just doing illicit drags, you know. He said, oh really?

You're just praying he's shooting up. You're like, please let him be ODA. Please be shooting crystal meth. I hope it's hard to find a vein. That's why it's taking so long. So then they come out and it was him and the guy whose party it was, the birthday boy. And they didn't know each other. Like I just brought him to this party. And, uh, and so one of the women was like, oh God, do you think they were hooking up?

And I was like, no, we're monogamous. Oh no. It was stated explicitly. By him, apropos of nothing. Exactly, I didn't even prompt it. And then time goes by and the woman comes up to me and is like, hey, your boyfriend is in that loft bed. And I turned around and I could just tell from his feet that he was performing oral sex on someone.

You know, like you could just see him like out and kind of like, like just the motion was like, yeah, that's a rhythmic motion that feels like a blowjob, you know? Yeah, he's changing a tire or sucking a dick, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Please let a car be up there.

Please let it be a Ford. So I climb up the little stairs of the thing and he's totally giving head to the birthday boy. And I was like, let's just call him Brian. I was like, um, uh, let's just call him Brian. I was like, um, Brian, um, I think I'm gonna leave. And he was like, oh. Oh my God. See you later.

Well, he actually did come up and he was like, okay, I don't want to go yet. And I was like, oh my God. Okay. Oh, my God! Okay. Oh, my God. And then I was like, we had tickets to a show the next night. Somebody else who was in the show with us, we were going to see their new show.

And I was like, are we going to still go see Meredith's show? Oh, no. And is this other guy lying there, like, dick out while you two are having this chat over his stuff? And by the way, I know him and he just doesn't speak to me. I know him more than the guy who, more than my boyfriend or whatever. I mean, I can't imagine what he was going through,

just getting a blow job and then you pop up like a sad gopher. Just like. Oh my gosh,, excuse me. And so then I climbed down the stairs and instead of being like, hey, this is fucked up. I was just like, I'll walk home in case he calls me. I don't want to be in the subway. So I walked from 23rd and 6th to 2nd and 6th Street.

Second Avenue and 6th Street. Yeah, Queens. Shit. And I just kept turning up the volume on my phone. Oh, Jeff, no. Did he have a call? I'm pretty sure he just didn't talk to me at all. And I just went to the show by myself,

hoping he would show up. And then eventually he did show up because he had left some stuff at my apartment. I was so stupid. I was like, I just want you to know, it didn't end well, but I really enjoyed our time together. And he was like, whoa, dramatic. Oh my God, that's not stupid.

That's very sweet. And he probably thinks about it right now. Also he's stupid. He doesn't understand what monogamy means. He asked for monogamy with absolutely no understanding of what that meant and within the hour was- And I have to tell you, I never called him out on it either. I never like was, I never said,

wait, you said we were going to be monogamous and then you cheated on me while I was in the room. Yeah. Jeff, I want to put you in my pocket and find this man and just give him a good old fashioned pocket. Ian, I'm too big to fit in your pocket. I'm so big.

You know what? Just the right size for my pocket is fine, babe. You know what? Between the three of us, we could get you in our pocket, I feel like. Or we can go and beat the shit out of this man. Jeff, that story is honestly one of the most heartbreaking of this entire season. I will never recover from this story ever. It's so refreshing that you admitted

all of the little details. We've all been there, but we never actually say them. They're not wanting to go underground. I've done that so many times where I've been like, ah, it's a nice night. I'm gonna walk, it's a blizzard. I'm just getting hailed in the eyeballs. It's just nice night. I'm going to walk. It's a blizzard. Oh yeah. I'm just getting hailed in the eyeballs.

It's just two hours. Yeah. It's my version of the warriors just like going back to Brooklyn, fighting people along the way. Maybe he'll call. Yeah. I don't know. It just brings out the most vulnerable in us, doesn't it? And you're right. We have all been there. We've all, we've all done that. It's so infuriating. It's so infuriating and they never deserve it. I'm glad to see that you've ended up with someone who does, Jeff. Yes.

Nice happy ending. You win. You fucking win. All right. Big fucking TV star. Look at Jordan Eaton just cuddling. At least we have each other. Platonically. These stories have been absolutely bonkers and you're all a fucking dream. Before you go, our listeners are a wonderful part of this show and they send in letters

and voicemails and I'd love to play one now that just came in. So, shall we take it away? Hello, Jamila and esteemed guests. Here's the story of my worst date, which I've called a hopeless fister's journey. I started chatting online to a guy that lived in a city I was moving to soon. I was going there for a weekend to apartment hunt, and we decided to go on a date and to meet up for dinner.

While in his apartment, he points me towards a wooden chest to pick something out for the night. Opening the chest, I find at least 30 individually wrapped sex toys and Ziploc bags that he then tells me that him and his friends all trade and share. Goes into the bathroom and leaves the door open. He yells at me asking me to come in. I go in and find him there completely naked standing bending over the sink.

He asks, would you shave my asshole? I want it to get ready so you can fist me. He asked me this as he's making eye contact with me through the mirror I told him I forgot something in the car and would be right back I got in my car and drove to my hotel as fast as I could before my fist could be gobbled up by his booty he messaged me the next day wishing me the best but that he didn't really feel a connection I can't say I disagree. Thanks for listening. Oh my God, gobbled up. That's the best use of gobbled up I've heard in years. Also, he just said,

I'm going to get something in my car and left. And the guy still felt the next day the need to email and be like, I don't think it's working. Oh, just the need to have the last word. I didn't feel your fist connect with my anus. Yeah, that'd be funny if he was like, hey, so I'm still waiting for you to come back. I hope you found what you're looking for. Just legs akimbo, ass shaved.

Somebody else walked in and they're like, I applied the shaving cream. The prideful knee. Like also how long do we think he stood there? Like shaving cream on asshole bent over. Oh my God. He's just looking at his watch. Minimum. Minimum. It would start to burn after a while, I'm sure.

All those chemicals. How many times has he done that but he feels that comfortable to do? Yeah, and also, is he boiling these sex toys? Why are they in Ziploc bag? Okay, I was worried like, am I? And his friends share them? Am I just super vanilla or do you share them?

Is that normal to share? I mean, it's not sisterhood of the traveling pants. They're not, you know, it's not a book club. What is happening? Yeah, that's crazy. I don't know anything about sex. Especially post pandemic, I don't even wanna shake anyone's hand

because of the, you know, potential penile imprint that's on it. And so I can't even imagine about sex. Post-pandemic, I don't even want to shake anyone's hand because of the potential penile imprint that's on it. And so I can't even imagine sharing a sex. So I don't even want to go bowling anymore post-pandemic. I can't imagine. All the people who fisted someone and then bowled. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, bowling is kind of the first step to fisting.

You got to put your fingers in there. Yeah, exactly. It's a gateway. It is the gateway. The educational diagram. You're all a fucking dream. Thank you so much for these stories. It's been incredibly bonding, this episode.

It feels like we're all very close now, especially you, Ian and Jordan. You're basically asleep on each other now. Before we go, will you tell people where we can find you and what we should be watching of yours or listening to? Me and Jordan have the most fun together on our podcast. Be an Ian with Jordan comes out every Wednesday on YouTube. Our Patreon is patreon.com slash beanianpod for bonus episodes. Lots of cool bonus stuff. Lots of cool bonus stuff. We get real wild. We're crazy.

We're crazy. I get a sense skip that now. I have a bunch of tour dates coming up. Ianfydance.com and ianimal69 on Instagram and Twitter. Thank you. Nice. My dates are all on jordanjensencomedy.com, right? Yes. And then, yeah, I'm on Instagram at Jordan Jensen,

LOL stop, and I need people to subscribe to my YouTube, which is Jordan Jensen Comedy. Please do that, because I have a half hour coming up. Tell them about your special. Yeah. That's what I just said. I have a half hour coming up. She's shooting a special in July.

It's going to be so fun. Yes. Oh, congratulations. But I need people to subscribe, because it's going to go so fun. Yes. Oh, congratulations. But I need people to subscribe because it's going to go there. You're fucking hilarious. You're both hilarious. I'm so excited for the special.

I can't wait. And Jeff, my darling. Oh, and I'm on Instagram at Boom Boom Hilar. Well, go find all these people. They're all very funny. They're all very lovely. And I'm very glad to have met and hung out with all of you. Thanks for coming.

Thank you for having us. This was a blast. Thank you. It's so crazy. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me.

Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushy and Eben Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartlist Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky.

If you've had a bad day and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Bad Dates. Smart Plus Media