Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Mole Money, Mole Problems (w/ Sam Morril, Sam Jay, and Steph Tolev)

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes. New episodes coming soon!On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Sam Morril, Sam Jay, and Steph Tolev to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Sam M has an uninvited visitor, Sam Jay has two uninvited visitors, and Steph receives an uninvited medical procedure that will haunt your dreams. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Sam Morril: Tickets and information at sammorril.comSam Jay: @samjaycomic on Twitter and InstagramSteph Tolev: @stephtolev on Twitter and InstagramSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, I'm Emily, one of the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities. Some of them hit the big time overnight, some had to plug away for years, but in our latest series we're talking about a man who was world famous before he was even born. A life of extreme privilege that was mapped out from the start, but left him struggling to find his true purpose. A man who, compared to his big brother, felt a bit, you know, spare. Yes, it's Prince Harry. You might think you know everything about him, but trust me, there's even more.

We follow Harry and the obsessive, all-consuming relationship of his life, not with Meghan, but the British tabloid press. Hounded and harassed, Harry is taking on an institution almost every bit as powerful as his own royal family. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad-free on Wandery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wander We App. I'm Alice Levine. And I'm Matt Ford. And we're the presenters of British Scandal.

And in our latest series, Hitler's Angel, we tell the story of scandalous beauty, Diana Mosley, British aristocrat, Mitford sister and fascist sympathiser. Like so many great British stories, it starts at a lavish garden party. Diana meets the dashing fascist Oswald Moseley. She's captivated by his politics, but also by his very good looks. It's not a classic rom-com story, but when she falls in love with Moseley, she's on a collision course with her family, her friends and her whole country. There is some romance though. The couple tied the knot in a ceremony organised by a great

uncelebrated wedding planner, Adolf Hitler. So it's less Notting Hill, more Nuremberg. When Britain took on the Nazis, Diana had to choose between love or betrayal. This is the story of Diana Mosley on her journey from glamorous socialite to political prisoner. Listen to British Scandal on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history.

This season, we delve into the life of Alan Turing. Why are we talking about Alan Turing, Peter? Alan Turing is the father of computer science and some of those questions we're thinking about today around artificial intelligence. Turing was so involved in setting and framing what some of those questions were, but he's also interesting for lots of other reasons, Afro. He had such a fascinating life. He was unapologetically gay at a time when that was completely criminalised and stigmatised. And from his imagination,

he created ideas that have formed a very physical, practical foundation for all of the technology on which our lives depend. And on top of that, he's responsible for being part of a team that saved millions, maybe even tens of millions of lives because of his work during the Second World War using maths and computer science to code-break. So join us on Legacy wherever you get your podcasts. Hello Bad Dates listeners, producer Devin back again, and first of all, let me just say that yes, we have been recording new episodes. Ha ha!

We just did two brand new ones this week with such funny guests and I can't tell you who they are yet, but just know that yes, we are working like busy little beavers behind the scenes getting a new run of EPS ready for you. Watch this space. Now, this re-release is, well, it's hard to call it one of my favorites, because if you've heard it before, you will know that Stef Tolev's story here is the stuff of actual nightmares. As a producer and editor on this show, I heard this live as we recorded it, and then I had to do multiple edit passes on the episode, and then we used it in our Best of countdown

episode, so I had to edit it again. Yeah, this story haunts my very soul. And that's not to overshadow Sam Jay and Sam Orrell, the other guests on this episode, who were both absolutely hysterical. I love it when a bad dates panel has this kind of tone, everybody kind of just reveling in being their own brand of a hot mess. This is one of our most memorable episodes and perhaps my favorite episode title that any guest has ever given us. Thank you, Steph. Here is Mole Money Mole Problems, Godspeed.

Bad dates. Sam, like, yeah, I've never had anything to drink on a date ever. So like, I never get to get into these kind of crazy scenarios, but I've been dating completely sober my entire life. That's crazy. Good for you. I'm not, I mean, it wasn't just,

I just don't like the smell of alcohol and anything I don't like the smell of, I don't put in my mouth. If that's, you know, whether that's a drink or disco cock or whatever, like it's just, it's a flat out rule that I think has kept me quite safe, orally. Hello everyone. First up we have comedian, actor, podcaster and writer Sam Merrill. Also joining us is the fabulous Sam Jay. And we are so happy to have Steph Tolev, a standup and sketch comedian and host of the podcast,

Steph Infection, which is such a great name for a show, which is all about her weird body ailments. So you know what, Steph, I'm just going to jump in straight with you. Sure. How is dating when that is a show that you put out to the world? Oh, it was bad for a long time. I tend to have very gross people like me and gross things happen all the time. So that's why I had to had to do a podcast about all my fucking ailments.

We can swear as in fucking ailments, ailments that you have while fucking. I currently I currently have hives that I've had for about three months and I can't get rid of them. So I'm covered in welts constantly. I found out I was allergic to the sun this year and I have like scars. Damn. Yeah, yeah, like open sores, my sister's wedding.

I'm falling apart. I could be dying. I'm not really sure, but yeah. Oh my God, we're so lucky to have you in your final moment. Oh, this is amazing. So you're dating as- This is like the story of Passover right here. This is dark.

It's like dating Humpty Dumpty. Yeah. I relate on many levels. Don't worry. You're not alone. Sam, how would you say dating you is? What's that experience like? Before we go and we talk about others, what's the vibe?

What are people getting? An exercise and patience. Why? I'm never home. I'm always on the road and I'm not, I mean look going on dates in New York is exhausting to them. A lot of the people have just terrible personalities so that's that's difficult you know you go out and I use the apps a lot so you know you look at a picture and they look great there and then they show up and you're like ah this is fucking horrible you

know. What because they look different from their picture or because their personality is trash? No, no, they usually look like the picture. It's just, yeah, I had a girl like mad at me. She was showing me pictures of her dog for like the first 10 minutes and I was like, oh cool. And she goes, that's it. She's like, you can't you fake it a little bit? And I was like, that was me faking it. That way that's a, we're getting a hell no from Sam. Yeah. I don't like that type of behavior. The dog pics? Yeah, it's just like, I don't know you,

don't force that, don't force stuff on me like that. Oh my God. Yeah, I don't wanna see your kid pics, let alone your fucking dog pics. It was for 10 minutes, what the fuck? It was a lot, it was a lot of dog pics. Imagine if you did that with your dick pics. Imagine if you just start off a date,

just taking one of your 10 minutes of dick pics. I do, and I demand way more than cool. It's also like the want for her Imagine if you did that with your dick pics. Imagine if you just start off a date, just taking one look through 10 minutes of dick pics. I do, and I demand way more than cool. It's also like the want for her to want you to fake it. So she already knows this is not a cool thing to do to somebody. Exactly. Because she's like, oh, can't you just fake it? And it's like, who wants that out of a person?

So you're already not a good lady. I'm surprised to hear this. I don't say that during sex. I know you didn't get off, so I don't ask you to fake it. Yeah, I'm surprised to hear this because I feel like the brag of New Yorkers, and I've always believed it up until now, is that they have better personalities than everyone else. I feel like there's a lot of judgment coming from the island about everyone else's personalities. I live in Los Angeles. I know that New York has shit on LA, they've shit on many,

they don't really shit on the British because all of you are poisoned with this belief that, you know, we are good but we're not, we're trash. No, no, LA is worse. I'm just saying New York's still got its duds. Yeah, but New York's still got its duds. Come on. Fair enough. Fair enough.

And you're just sort of sifting through them for everyone else. Wait, for sure. LA, you guys, you love to lean on the weather and the space. Well, guess what? That doesn't make for a great personality because when you're comfortable and in a spacious place, you'll put up with a little more shit. When it's cold out and you're with a terrible person, you're like, I'm not going to be cold and unhappy.

You know, right? And spending too much money. Yeah, absolutely. Sam, I'm not going to be cold and unhappy. You know, right? And spending too much money. Yeah, absolutely. Sam, how is dating you? What can people expect? Well now, because I'm engaged a lot of secrecy if I was dating somebody. But prior to that, I don't know, I'm a good crazy time. That's how I feel. It'm a good crazy time. That's how I feel.

It's a good crazy time. So you feel like you're not the bad date ever? I'm not ever the bad date, but I can be a lot. I can be a lot. Okay, okay. But it always pays off. It's always a payoff. Listen, I feel like the fact that it's ending

with an engagement feels like you can't be too bad. Is everyone single, engaged, married, babies? Just me. I'm single. I have a boyfriend now for the first time in eight years. Oh my God, I'm so happy for you. I know, thank you. I'm so single that the other day I was microwaving eggs.

Ew. I do that. That's a single guy move. Wait, were you doing a fried egg? I make scrambled eggs in the microwave. Don't they turn green? Don't they turn green? No, what's wrong with your microwave?

No, it's a block. I don't know, it doesn't sound good. It doesn't sound good. Also very rich of me to now become judgmental of you. But yeah, no, with the fork, you make a little scramble. They become very fluffy. As long as you eat them, you have about 0.5 seconds to eat it before it disintegrates.

But yeah, gross. That is gross and we're going to special egg hell. Samaril's story is called Surprise Ending and it feels like a porn category. It should be a porn category. I mean, there might be footage of this. There could be a video of this out there. Unfortunately. Yeah, no, what happened was I went on a date with a girl.

This is probably like 10, 11 years ago. I had a breakup and I was pretty sad and I met this girl, I think it was like fucking early days of Tinder, and she looked better than the photos when she showed up. She was super hot. Love that. And it was some dive bar in Brooklyn. And I would love to say that we got wasted, but it was just me.

And I was smashed. I remember because at the end of the day, it was like a cold New York winter and I kissed her. I remember because at the end of the day, it was like a cold New York winter and I kissed her and as I let her go, she was like very proper and she goes, oh my, I didn't expect that and I was wrecked. So I said, you better fucking expect it and never, never heard from her after that, obviously. How often do you get drunk on the first day? Like how often do you get like fucked up? I like to give someone the worst version of myself early on instead of,

instead of working up to it, you know, how about you? I never get hammered on the first day. Yeah. I'm too busy trying to like keep it all cool. But you're stunned right now. Yeah. Fucking lit up. If it's a first, if it's a off tender to you, I'm pre-gaming at my house alone. Oh, I'm going in, I'm going**king lit up. If it's a off-tender, I'm pre-gaming at my house alone. I'm going in warm. Yeah, I think that if you're the feminine side of the day, it's okay. More than if you're...

Really? Wait, why? I don't know. I guess I'm the lady in this state. I just feel like, when you're like the guy and you get like hammered, it's just like, it's a warning that you're a loser. It's like this, I would think that. Jesus Christ, Sam Jay coming in fucking hot. I was, straight through your throat. Well look, it was like a dive tiki bar. I'm not a fucking winner.

I'll give her that. Like, she's not wrong. But then what happened was I get a text from her like I never I text her like one follow up no no reply. So I was like, all right, we're done here. I get it. I blew it. And then like two or three months later, I get a text during the afternoon. Where are you? And I was you know, I was in like Union Square with my you know, just like having lunch and I was just like, oh, I'm in Union Square and she writes, I wanna see you when I wanna get freaky with you

is what she writes. And I just wrote back, I wrote back, oh yeah, with a question mark. And she, I don't know how to respond to that. And she wrote back, do you wanna get your dick sucked or not? So, I excused myself from lunch with my parents. That's who I was.

Cause I was like, I don't want to take this. I got to call. To me, I'm like, it seems like someone robbed her and stole her phone and is looking for the dumbest fuck. Yeah, you're being human trafficked in this scenario. I'm dead. I'm dead meat. I'm a horny dead guy. So I call her and I say, what's going on?

She goes, look, I had a bad week at work. I just wanna see where the fuck you. Yeah, so I was like, all right. So I go back to my parents, I lied to my mom and said I had an audition that just came up, which is like not a high point in my life. It's kind of true. No, but that's kind of true in a way.

Yeah, but it's not, you don't want your mom to be like, go get them after you fucking are leaving for oral sex. You're like her safe school of dick. Like, you know, they're like, pick a safety college. Yeah. But like of dick. Yeah. I'm Arizona State, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so then what happened? Did you go? Yeah, I went and I remember I was with my friend Rachel Feinstein earlier that day and I was like, hey, this is how you know I'm going into a bad situation. I said, hey, I'm going to go to this girl's apartment in Brooklyn. Just in case anything shady happens, here's

the address. Let's like if I get murdered. Yeah. I'm a total idiot. Clearly this is a bad decision. It was a different apartment than when I dropped her off at. But I'm like, you know, I'm a New Yorker. I'm like, yeah, people sublet. This is an expensive city. So I go to the place and I say, hey, meet me downstairs. Meet me downstairs.

There's a good like dive bar here. We'll have a drink. It's the afternoon. I need some liquid courage. Yeah. And she goes, no, I got a bottle of scotch upstairs. Just, just come out. No, no, no, no, no. Oh my God. I've seen this horror movie. Yeah. And she goes, no, I got a bottle of scotch upstairs. Just come up. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh my God, I've seen this horror movie. Yeah. So I say, just come down and get me. I'm nervous. I'm like a little off. And then she comes down and she goes, come up. And it is her? It is her.

It is her. Okay. So we go to the apartment. There's nothing in the apartment except a couch and a bottle of scotch. She wasn't lying about the scotch. So I down one scotch, she pours me another, I down it. You don't question that there's nothing else in the apartment. I guess it's- Couch and a bottle of scotch, that's it.

This is like something I've taken. I know. Your penis can be a really over eager friend. You question something up here, but my dick is like, you know, an opportunist. So I said, all right, like what? We start making out. She starts going down on me and then she just stops the blowjob and goes, I sure hope my roommate doesn't catch us. And I was like, yeah, me too.

I also hope your roommate doesn't catch us. Let's go to your bedroom. And she goes, no, I want him to catch us. And I was like, Wait, what? Him? Oh my God. This is when I should have left.

Oh my God, you didn't leave. I didn't leave here. This is when I should have left. But we go to a bedroom. She continues to go down on me. And I want to say it was like 45 seconds later, the door swings open. It's a dude.

He's shredded. He's got a, Yeah shredded he's got it yeah he's got like a cast on his hand which I'm like in the moment people yeah that's what I thought he fucking can fight he's tatted up he's just staring at me while she's sucking me off and I remember this moment the most clearly I just turned to him and I go can I help you That's what came out of my mouth. I didn't know what else to say. Still sucking your dick while you're saying this to him. She still, I'm still hard, but I'm fucking confused.

Okay. And I was like, what's going on? And he goes, are we gonna do this? And I was like, do what? Whoa. Holy shit. It is a pretty bad day. So I was like, are we gonna do what?

And he goes, her and I said, oh no, I'm not that type of person at all. And he goes, well, the door's that way. Like he gave me like, you're either in or you're out. That was the vibe. And I was like, oh, I'm fucking, I'm out, obviously. I'm not doing this. And he like looked, I looked at her for something like,

why would you do this? And she just kinda like was like, all right for something like why like would you do this? And she just kind of like was like alright then leave that was like the look she gave me What happened to the woman who said the words and I've not heard anyone say this in like a hundred years Oh my like what happened to that girl the proper girl who was surprised by the kiss at the end It was an act. I guess I mean You know who was surprised by the kiss at the end. It was an act, I guess. I mean, you know, so I'm still in the mode now where I'm like picturing, he's got a cast, are they gonna beat the shit out of me and rob me?

I don't know what's gonna happen. So I didn't even pull my pants all the way up. I grabbed my backpack. This is a horrible ending to an orgy, potential orgy story. And I left and I remember walking out like briskly and walking around, this was in like Williamsburg. I remember walking around the McCarran Park

and just feeling like such a fucking loser. And when I hit my absolute lowest, my mom called me to see how the audition went. Oh my God. You told her that you had an audition? Yeah, that's why I said, I gotta get out of here. This audition came up. That's how I left lunch.

Oh my God. So I, so I, yeah, yeah, no, I felt like, and then I called Rachel and she's like, you're a fucking idiot. You're so stupid. I'm glad you're okay. Yeah, I'm stupid. But what's so funny is like, clearly she was like,

who's, what, like, Steve, do I know that will be down? Like you gave her the impression that you were the guy to call for this job for some reason. So much shaming coming out of Sam Jay. What's Sam? No, I gave, I think actually that's not shaming. I think Sam is saying that I'm, I put out a more badass vibe than I am. Yeah, because the way you kissed her and you were like all drunk and like,

yeah, you better be ready, baby. And then she was like, oh, I know who's like down for this type of action. And then he wasn't even down for the action because she didn't think you were respectable enough to date. Like that behavior took you off the menu as dateable. That's true. But I don't know if she sounds like she's the type of person who does date. Like that behavior took you off the menu as dateable. That's true. But- I don't know if she sounds like she's the type of person who does date. It sounds like- I think she does.

I think she has two different lives. That's why I think you got the oh my. I think she's like two different girls. And she was like, she was coming to Sam being the oh my girl. And she was like, oh no, he only deserves to meet the slut. So that's when she called you for slutty time. No, you're totally right.

She was trying to, I was trying to get on the dinner menu and she pushed me to a brunch special. Yeah. And even then I couldn't deliver. I mean, that was too much. And that's what I'm saying, there you fail. And then you got sent to the buffet, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. The guy was waiting, like the, was the buddy like waiting in the hallway, like? Or in a closet. By the way, if I did this to her, my fucking career would be over. I was thinking that as soon as you said it. I was like, this is only amusing because you're a guy.

That's such a bold thing to do. I'm so amazed when I hear of people who are this sexually bold like to do it in the daytime. I know. Extraordinary. I can't believe you didn't go immediately limp when the guy walked in. You're still like, I'm still kind of hard here. Let's see where this takes us. Like you didn't go immediately limp when the guy walked in. You're still like, I'm still kind of hard here. Let's see where this takes us. Like you didn't even...

Oh, I get that. Yeah, we all caught that soft brag. I don't know that you could just turn it off, you know? Especially if she's still doing it. This was me 10, 11 years ago. The same girl today. He's going soft a little sooner. Also, some people get an erection when they're excited or stressed.

There was that guy, there's an amazing photograph. We've seen them of the guy that swam like the, I think he'd won like the race across the channel tunnel or something. He swam the British Channel and he had a raging erection while he's getting all of his photographs taken and he's so like caught up in the adrenaline. He can't even tell. So he's standing there in very tight, light blue, swimming trunks.

Rock solid. Oh, you got the details. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then my screensaver on my phone. Oh my God, I'm so happy that you made out of that alive. Yeah, what an awful death that would have been if my mom had to identify my body with my pants down and maybe still hard, I don't know, that would suck.

Buddy could have made it more appealing too. Like he didn't make it sexy for you. They didn't make it sexy for you. I actually feel bad for you. They could have gotten you a better setup. She could have like gave you a nice drink when you walked in, but him just walking in like, what's up, we gonna bang her bro?

Is like, dude, you're not even making this like cool. This is after couch and Scototch and no other furniture. Everything screams murder. With a cast. And you have a cast on your hand, man. Yeah, explain the cast. Also, you're in or you're out is Ocean's Eleven vibes. That's not like brand new orgy vibes. Screw that. I told my friend this story at a Caroline's Comedy Club which is no longer with us. I remember telling him like right after the next day and he goes he just like took a drag of a cigarette and he goes I would have fucked both of them Okay, well on on that note we're gonna go to a quick break

We're gonna go to a quick break. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Looking for inspiration? Craving something new?

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Listen to Red Handed wherever you get your podcasts and access our bonus shorthand episodes exclusively on Amazon Music or by subscribing to Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app. And we're back. All right. Now, Sam Jay, I don't know what kind of story you're going to bring after that. I no longer know what to expect. But I know you have two stories. And the title I've been given, because I never get to hear these stories beforehand, is First Time for Everything. Okay. So one of these stories is from my straight life, and then one of these stories is from my gay life. Okay, so one of these stories is from my straight life and then one of these stories is from my gay life. Okay.

So, when I was young, it was May 16, I had a boyfriend and I thought I loved him. He was light skinned and he had hazel eyes with, in the black community is a big deal. This is a big find. This is a big catch. So I felt very cute and lucky. And we finally, you know, after a few makeout sessions at his house where no one was home, he like, you know, got first to second to third type of action over the top of the pants. And finally he kind of convinced me like, hey, let's do it Friday night. Because like when you're young, you set a date and a time for real.

You got to like truly schedule it. It was a bit like when you're old and you're a parent. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It just kind of like reversed itself in that way. So he was like, you know, Friday night, let's do it. My mom's not gonna be home type of deal. And I was like, totally sure.

I'm all in. So I go over, I made sure I had on my new Calvin Klein underwear that I got from Marshall's. Cute, very cute. When they were making like the boy shorts for girls, which also probably was a sign that I was gay, because I was really into those boy shorts for girls. That was really into that run. So I get over there and he pulls out a Magnum, which I didn't think was gonna fit. Not the ice cream. No, not the ice cream, but the condom,

which all black men think they are supposed to be able to wear magnums. It's like just embedded in their brain, but it didn't fit. So luckily he also had a lifestyle because he wasn't sure. So he started large and then downsized himself. And we start to have sex, which I'm absolutely not into. Like as soon as it starts to happen, I'm like, this is a fucking mistake. What am I doing? I'm not enjoying this at all. But luckily for me, the game was on and it

was the Pacers versus the Bulls. It was the NBA finals. So it was the game where Reggie Miller pushed off Michael Jordan. It was a controversial Finals. So it was the game where Reggie Miller pushed off Michael Jordan. It was a controversial push off. So I was watching the game kind of like over his shoulder while he was just like humping in and out of me. Um, and that's kind of what was, I know just an awful way to lose your virginity, an awful way to lose your virginity. And I'm watching the game.

I'm totally like into it, hanging out, minding my business, while he's doing whatever he's doing. And then suddenly someone walks in the room. Was it a man with a cast? A man. It's a man who looks like him, but is older. And he goes, oh yeah, my brother just got out of jail.

So his brother, who just- What is happening today? Who just got out of prison is standing in the room and he's like, oh yeah dog, you hitting that shit? He just starts like, having this conversation with him about him fucking me.

And he's like, yeah, dog, you hitting that shit, that's what's up, that's what's up, she all right too. He's like, next time you need to use these. And he left some rough riders on the bed. He was like, that's how you. And it's clear he's just a jail dude and he's used to having these type of conversations when people are-

Because it's very normal to do everything intimate in front of each other, right? He hasn't taken a shit alone in years. Exactly, so he has no, like he doesn't care that I'm losing my virginity. He doesn't care that he's a grown man and I'm a little girl with little girl titties. He's just like, yeah, beat that shit up.

And then he like, he like goes in the closet. He like picks out an outfit. He changes his shirt. And the whole time it's like... Wait, all in the closet. He like picks out an outfit. He changes his shirt. And the whole time. All in the room. All in the room. And I can't. He's still being pumped to her at this time.

He's literally at this point, like just like laying in like penis in me, laying in me like Mormon style. Like he's just in me, not moving. Soaking. Yes soaking. Yeah. Oh not soaking. Just soaking. And I can't not moving. Soaking. Soaking as they call it. Yes, soaking. Yeah. Oh, not soaking, Sam.

Just soaking. And I can't get up, cause I'll be naked in front of this guy if I get up. So I had to wait for him to like fully get his outfit together. And then he was like, all right, yo, I'm going out to fuck with these freaks. I'll be back later.

And then he just left. And that's how I lost my virginity. I just want to say, just to clarify, it's not just black men who wear made-em condoms, every single fucking man thinks their dick can fit in a... And it happens all the fucking time. The amount of men I've seen

try to put a plastic bag on their tiny little cock. I'm like, what, who are these for? Like, it's every guy, just so you know, it's every. Thank you. Good to know, good to know. I knew this story was gonna take a dark turn when a woman was spacing out to watch basketball during sex. Yes.

That's a bad sign. Oh my. You're getting fucked and you're like, man, Mark Jackson's having a good game. Bad dates. So story number two. Okay. It's now many of years later, I'm a young gay Sam in Atlanta. And I meet this girl via Craigslist, right?

When like people were still like doing anonymous hookups off Craigslist. And she had this post, it was like, oh, I like anime and hanging out. And I was like, trying to just figure out my gayness. So I was like, I kind of like that stuff, too. Maybe this will be a cool hang. So I end up going out, hanging out with this girl. And I can't believe you've dated someone off Craig's lift. That is fucking I totally dated some of my first girlfriend.

My first girlfriend. I know. Terrible. I we hang out and I'm like, I fucking dig this chick. She's cool. So she advised me back over the next night. And she lives in like this big house in North Druid Hills with like her mom and her brother and shit like that, whatever. So we're over there, we're kicking, watching Heroes. Things are getting steamy during the commercials, right?

But we're both dorks, which I like. We're both totally into Heroes. It's a good time. It gets late and she's like, well, why don't you just stay? And I'm like, cool. And this whole time I don't tell her like I've never been with a woman or anything like that, cause I'm like being the man and I'm being cool. You know what I mean?

Like hell yeah, but I've never even seen a vagina in my face at this point. So we get in the room, we're hooking up, it's going in. I'm like, I'm going to go down on this chick. Like I know it. I make this decision. Like, it's time to pop this thing on off. And we're listening to music, and I go down on her, and the song from Little Mermaid starts to play. Like, which one?

Uh, oh, I wanna be where the people are. That one. Because she has it in her mix. She just had her thing on random red fucking flag. So the very song goes on. I'm like, oh, this is fucking kind of weird, but I'm not going to stop eating this pussy. Like, I've never done this before and I'm here and I'm not turning back. So I eat her out through the Little Mermaid song.

We're still going. And then a guy walks in. Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up. Is there a theme that I didn't know about in this episode? What is happening? This is my first time again, mind you, my first time with a woman, and a guy walks in, and it's her uncle.

Ew. And he just starts talking talking and he's like, when did your mother leave the keys? And she's like, and I'm under the covers in this girl's like whole vagina. Do you think he knows you're there? I don't, I don't know. So she's like, she's like, you know, I don't know. You need to get out.

And he's like, oh, oh, I just need to know where the keys are. I'm just trying to go get something from the store. And she's like, you need to leave. And he's like, oh, why? Cause you got company. And I'm like, oh, she, he knows that I'm eating her pussy right now. This guy is psychotic.

There was a bathroom off of her room. He goes, well, I'm just going to use the bathroom real quick. He proceeds to go in the bathroom. He, he's wearing headphones. He still always wear these wireless headphones. He would wear them and listen to hip hop, like anywhere he was, cooking eggs at the stove, like truly like a prisoner.

Like he would be at the stove cooking eggs, listening to these headphones. So he's on the toilet, he's taking a shit. You can hear him straining and he's also rapping 50 cent. So he's all like. No. Fuck. So he's like,

he's like shitting and then he's like, G unit, we in here, boom. But then he'd be like, uh, and it was like fucking wild. It took like a 30 minute dump. God. It felt like, and then he like leaves. Were you still going during this?

I was gonna say kudos if you're still going down and have 30 minutes. No, I stopped. I stopped once he was dumping. I was like, this is, I can't, I can't. This is crazy. So I just came up for air and I'm just laying in the bed at this point, like, we'll just wait for whatever this is

to be over. He comes out and he's like, what's up, man? be, he daps me, not confident he washed his hands. And then he leaves and she's just like, oh, I'm sorry, that's my uncle. Like, he lives with us, blah, blah, blah. And I mean, afterwards I kept eating her pussy or whatever because by that point I had been desensitized and I wasn't, you know, going to leave with nothing.

So I was like, fine, let's fucking finish this. But I mean, that's how I lost my gay virginity. Oh, damn. God, that is fucking crazy. The uncle for some reason is grosser. I don't know why. Something set me off with that. I don't like that.

Well, dad would have, a dad might've lost it. And uncle has the comfort level to drop a deuce. That's the problem. You know? Yeah, a hundred percent, but it's definitely wrong. And then the wrapping of 50 cent almost an attempt to try and give you privacy or something. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, that is, he was setting the mood. Wrapping about the candy shop and the lollipop. Like what was, do you remember what I mean? Ah, that is... He was setting the mood. Was he rapping about the candy shop and the lollipop? Do you remember what he said? Yeah, which song was ruined for you? It was the intro. The intro to Get Richard Died Tryin' and G-Unit. But we in here, but we gonna get the drama started. We gonna bop, bop, bop. It's going down. Because I'm around that one.

This is so, this is so odd. What up, gangsta? That one, that one, that one. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so's going down. Cause I'm around that one. This is so, this is so.

What up gangsta? That one, that one, that one. So, so, so Little Mermaid and 50 Cent were right here in the same night. Yup, yup. That's a bomb. There's a real theme of like no locks on doors or doors even.

Were there any doors in anyone's stories today? Oh yeah, cause Sam, your door just came busted open too. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't my door, but yeah. You know, it's, I mean, that's the thing is like, all you want is the, is the other person. This is, this episode is just cock blocks. Like a mug. Oh my goodness. Um, all right, we'll be right back after this. Oh my goodness. All right, we'll be right back after this. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And I'm Elna Baker. And we have a new podcast that's called Pretty Sure I Can Fly. Yep, we've teamed up with my friends and bar mates from SmartList to create a podcast where we talk to folks who have more balls in a bowling alley. People who accomplish something extraordinary despite people telling them that it couldn't or shouldn't be done. You'll hear stories about the Air Force doctor who buckled into a 600 mile per hour rocket sled

and became the fastest man on the planet. And a man who wrestles alligators and sharks for fun. Do not do this. You'll hear about a foul mouthed moonshiner. Got a two inch dick and a six inch tongue and knows how to use both of them. And an even more foul mouth female stunt pilot. We got bull riders, balloonists, bops letters, and big wave surfers.

People who lay their balls on an anvil and hand the other fellow the hammer. Okay. I bet you've actually done that, Johnny. Maybe for sweeps. Follow Pretty Sure I Can Fly on the Wondery After. Or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to Pretty Sure I Can Fly early and ad free right now on Wondery Plus. And we're back. All right, Steph, I'm dying to hear your story.

It is curiously called Mole Bite. I mean, I feel like the title itself is giving some away. In this day and age, that could mean anything. You know, it could. It could be like a little ground mole that came out and gave me a little nibble somewhere in the wrong spot. There could be a lot of options here. But so this happened off a man that I met off of Tinder, I believe.

It was Tinder. And who knows anymore where the fucking apps you meet these clowns off. He did say he was a glass blower. And I don't know why that's like because when I met up with him at this bar, he had a lot of open source and I was like, oh, I'm assuming it's from the glass blowing. I don't know a lot of glass blowers. I'm not sure. What do you mean by open source? Like he had like scabs and some some of them were not sure. I'm sorry. What do you mean by open sores? Like he had like scabs and some of them were not healed.

So I assume those are open sores. On his face, mostly on his face and a little on his arms. Maybe glass flies around. Again, I don't know. So he immediately gives me this little glass thing he blew. Like a little tiny, it was like a little tiny thing I could put on a necklace and had like a little S on it. And I was like, he's like, this is for you.

And I'm like, weird to give somebody you've never met in your life a little thing you blew at work today. I hope we just got born from making that. I don't know for sure. So we go to this bar. I'm like, I don't know if you ever in those days where you're just like, you just kind of want to get Foxy. You don't really care. So we have a couple of drinks.

I already went there, but it's my fault. And you can come back to my house. Yeah, I got a gift. I'm like, he's a nice guy. I want to have sex with a strange man. So I bring him back to my house and we immediately go to the bed. I'm a disgusting pig. I'm not waiting around.

Start making out in the bed. We're getting, he's a little aggressive. He's doing a little kind of like bitey, kind of like a little, not too much. Not like a full, nothing nuts yet, but I can tell he keeps going. So I have this giant mole on this one side of my neck. It looks like a junior meant very large.

And for years, my parents wouldn't let me get it removed because they said it was cancerous. They said that there my dad always for he's a great and had the same mole in the middle of her forehead and she got removed and she had cancer and died. So my whole life I had to keep his fucking more so self-conscious as well. So every time a guy would kiss me, they always go to the right side. I'm like, hello, the left side, a lot of real estate over there and nothing, no fucking mole over there.

So me and this guy are fooling around my bed and he keeps going to kiss the one side of this mall. I'm like, for fuck's sake. So I keep trying to like angle his head away from the mole. But I guess he thought that angling away was him thinking I was getting kind of like aggressive. So he goes in, bites down. Now he bites. I don't know if he was trying to bite the mole or just trying to bite my neck. But he bit down and I believe I believe the teeth went directly through the mole.

Oh, I guess I just I just heard like a like a little squish sound. I'm like, oh, my fucking God. Immediately. Oh, it was a crunchy squish. It's like if the junior man had been left in the sun for a long time. So the outer chocolate layer had a bit of a crunch to it. So I was like, oh, my God, immediately are feeling blood trickling down my neck. Like, and a lot of it. And I was like, oh, my fucking God. I run to the bathroom.

The gang is what I was doing. So I'm not good with blood. So I'm literally in my own bathroom going, Oh my god, oh my god. And it's like, it's not on all the way now. The mole isn't completely removed, but it is hanging on. The final, like the opening scene of cliffhanger is what I'm imagining. Yes. Yeah, just so it's just literally dangling on from fucking dear life here. So I'm wiping the blood as I'm gag, as I'm like, I'm like, what do I do with the

mole? I've never had a mole dangle. Do I put pressure on it? I don't know what's going on. I come back in the room. He's now fully nude. He thinks it's time to go. I'm like, time to go.

Time to go. I rip my blanket out for him. I just bought a new white comfort of my key and I was like, I'm not getting this soiled. I just fucking bought this. This is insane. So I take it. So now I'm scrubbing my fucking thing. He's still hard in the bed.

I don't know how. Yeah, this is getting off. The blood and the molding are getting him off. So I'm like, I come back there. I'm finally like the sheet is now soaking in my fucking laundry tub. I'm still bleeding. I'm like, you have to go. It's time for you to go. What am I? What the fuck? So this is the worst part. This is the worst part. So he finally I asked him to my. What? I'm like, what the fuck? So this is the worst part. This is the worst part.

So he finally, I usher him to my front door. I'm like, okay, bye. He goes and takes my hands and puts them around his neck. I'm like, a goodbye choke. I'm like, what the hell is going on here? I'm like, you're digesting half my fucking mole. Get the hell out of my house. Doesn't get it.

Here's the thing. I will say- I'm sorry, no, stop. Stop Doesn't get it. Here's the thing, I will say- I'm sorry, no, stop, stop. There's more, there's more. He tried to make you choke him. Make me choke him, a goodbye choke, which I've never seen before in my life. Like that was, I guess he was like,

he's all riled up now. This clearly is something he liked to do. He had no, nothing was bothering him about the blood, the mole chunk that might have been inside his teeth. I don't really know what's going on at this point. God, that is a garlic and onion situation, isn't it? Where you need to like get across. Yeah, I need to like get the fuck out of my house now.

He's a demon. Yeah. Oh, something's wrong. Again, glassblower. So he leaves. I go to bed and I'm freaking the fuck out. I end up like so my parents live in Canada, so they're three hours ahead. So I call my he lives like four in the morning. I call my parents like out. I end up like, so my parents live in Canada, so they're three hours ahead. So I call my, he lives like four in the morning. I call my parents like seven and I'm like, there's something wrong.

So I FaceTime them, they're like, what the fuck? I didn't tell them how I got them. I'm like, my mom and dad, a man bit my neck mole off. I have to now fucking go to Studio City, pay $400 to get my mole fully removed. Mole money, mole problems, am I right? Had to get it fully removed. They had to send the mole.

I was also being hilarious. The mole doctor, which I wish I knew his name, was I want to shout him out. I was being so it fully removed. They had to send the mole. I was also being hilarious. The mole doctor, which I wish I knew his name was, I want to shout him out. I was being so funny with him. I ended up giving him a copy of my album because he was dying laughing because I was like, I haven't been alone with a mole. And he's like, oh, OK. I'm like, I don't actually want to say goodbye to my mole, you fucking weirdo. Well, they had to test them all for cancer.

Thank God it came back. No cancer. But the funny thing is, the thing thing that that guy blew the little glass thing he blew me was conveniently very close to the same size as my mole. So I mean, if I really miss my mole, I can just maybe have him maybe have him surgically plant the glass blowing thing back to my neck. Never got the stain out of my sheets. I had to throw those out. So all in all, it was a day that cost me roughly $500. And I didn't come, he didn't come, and I didn't even get a fully choke him.

So. Mo money, mo problem. Mo money, mo problems is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Wow. You know what, so actually kind of free, like a technically free molectomy. The mole was like a burden.

It was. And it's like sometimes, you know, the Lord works in mysterious ways because you probably would have never taken it off yourself because your dad made you think you were going to be cursed. So it was like the sky had to bite it off for you to, you know, make the move to free yourself. So much happened. A lot. What an exhausting, disgusting date. Yes, it was.

Did the mole ever grow back or are you now mole-less? No, no, but the worst part is, the weirdest part, I don't know if you, you just seem like you don't have any moles. You seem mole-less. I am currently mole-less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have nice skin. I'm on my way to my 40s.

We'll see. Go on. They pop up. But this one always had hair growing out of it. So I thought when the mole, this is so gross, I thought when the mole was removed, there'd no there'll only be hairs. Now I still get the hair. I still get the one hair. How did that hair?

It's ghost hair that's there. Yeah. And so I can't right now. I'm feeling it right now. I'm like, oh, it's there. She's back. She's back and she's angry. She's angry. She's never a little mole to get through. It's disgusting. It's like a little cemetery, isn't it?

It is. And every day I just remember a little phantom. Yeah, my little phantom mole. Oh, God, he bit off your hairy mole. Bit it off. The fact he didn't notice and the fact like he was, I mean, he didn't, he pulled a Sam. He stayed hard the whole time. Like he was still sitting, fucking waiting for it to come.

Like I was like, this is- Oh my God, thank God you didn't net him near your clitoris. I do, I do. When we say pull a Sam. I like that we're calling it pulling a Sam. I do think we want to point out that he was the aggressor and I was the victim of the story. I stayed hard as a victim, which I think is kind of heroic.

It's different, yeah. And this guy stayed hard as the aggressor. Let's just, you know, differentiate it a little. Sure. I can't believe he like sexually bit you so hard it took your mole off as well. Like he didn't just go in for like light nibbles. He like... Why do you buy anything hard enough for it to come off on the human body?

The fuck is wrong with him? Like also, so if he was going for my neck, he would have fucking... That's fucking vampire shit. At least he did something that's actually good for your health. Literally, I mean, well, thank God. But Christ, him being rock hard when you're running back and forth screaming to the toilet covered in blood is one of the more upsetting things I've ever heard. I'm so glad that you never saw that man again. He dated a fucking vampire.

Let's not say date. Let's not say date. Let's say awkwardly fooled around with and had my neck mole removed We're not putting the word date in front of this. This was a big mistake Yeah, no, it's you know, it's fine. We're fine now we're living life. I'm not fine. I'm not fine I'll never recover from this story Look I can I can find a photo of them I do have a photo somewhere of the mole like right after the dangling It was flapping in the wind the nextling. I'm good, I'm good. Thank you. It was flapping in the wind the next morning when I had to go get it.

Okay. I just really tried to make it worse for you. I see you're actually trying to kill me now. I am, I am. I'm sorry. My God, you are some real survivors. I feel like I've, on a body level, I feel like I've just been through so much in the last hour just hearing these stories. You're veterans. I'm honored to meet you all.

The biting is so unacceptable too. I hate a bite. I had a girl once bite me so hard on the lip that I was like, geez, don't do that again please. And then she did it again. I was like, that really fucking hurts. And she just said, that's my move. And I was like, your fucking move. I don't give a shit about your market research. I don't like it. What's wrong with you? That's so horrible. Yeah. Awful. I hate a bite. Deal with it. Just fart in her face and be like, what? That's my move. You don't get to...

Deal with it. That's my move. It was so irritating. Oh my God. Okay, so I think we've learned about locking the door. Any other lessons anyone feels that they've come away from this with? Any moments of inspiration? Don't let your parents' fear of the past

dictate your present. Okay, that's slightly more of a field than I was expecting, but thank you, Gandhi. I appreciate that. Both of you, Seth. I got one for you. I got one for you. Go on.

Be the difference you want to see in the world. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yep. Sure. Deep. Do you have one, Seth? Any?

If you would need any skin tags or moles removed, I got a guy. Mine is always anything's a dildo if you're brave enough. And so on that note, both Sam's and Steph, thank you so much for coming. This has been quite a wild ride and goodbye. Bye. Bye. Tickets for Sam Morrill's 2023 Class Actor can be found at sammoral.com and he co-hosts the You Might Be Drunk podcast with Mark Normand.

Sam Jay can be seen on pause with Sam Jay and bussed down. And you can find out about Steph's upcoming stand-up shows by checking out at Steph Tolev on Instagram and listen to her podcast, Steph Infection, where she and her guests talk about any and all things related to the body, as we now know. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me.

Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smart List Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it,

our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Bad Dates. Miss me, I