Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Re-Release: Winter Bush (w/ Ophira Eisenberg and Kurt Braunohler)

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes Ophira Eisenberg and Kurt Braunohler to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Ophira tells us how her date's bed was covered with the worst kind of sex toy, and Kurt begs a girl to believe he is not a dummy. Plus, Jameela reads two listener letters about how loose birds mean mucho turds, and the wrong question to axe a lady. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Kurt Braunohler: Bananas podcast, standup special Perfectly Stupid Ophira Eisenberg: Parenting is a Joke podcast, standup special Plant-Based Jokes See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Every day in America, 60 million packages are delivered. But we don't always know what's inside. He bent down to pick the package up. That's when the device detonated. Danger is everywhere, and no one is safe in Austin, Texas. As law enforcement hunts a serial bomber for 19 days. From Sony Music Entertainment, Campside Media, and Pegalo Pictures, this is Witnessed. I'm Peter Frankopern. And I'm Afua Hirsch.

And we're here to tell you about our new season of Legacy, covering the iconic, troubled musical genius that was Nina Simone. Full disclosure, this is a big one for me. Nina Simone, one of my favorite artists of all time, somebody who's had a huge impact on me, who I think objectively stands apart for the level of her talent, the audacity of her message. If I was a first year at university, the first time I sat down and really listened to her

and engaged with her message, it totally floored me. And the truth and pain and messiness of her struggle that's all captured in unforgettable music that has stood the test of time. Think that's fair, Peter? I mean, the way in which her music comes across is so powerful, no matter what song it is. So join us on Legacy for Nina Simone. Hello, I'm Emily and I'm one of the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities. And they don't get much bigger than the man who made

badminton sexy. Okay, maybe that's a stretch, but if I say pop star and shuttlecocks, you know who I'm talking about. No? Short shorts? Free cocktails? Careless whispers? Okay, last one. It's not Andrew Ridgely.

Yep, that's right. It's Stone Cold icon George Michael. From teen pop sensation to one of the biggest solo artists on the planet, join us for our new series, George Michael's Fight for Freedom. From the outside, it looks like he has it all. But behind the trademark dark sunglasses is a man in turmoil. George is trapped in a lie of his own making,

with a secret he feels would ruin him if the truth ever came out. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to your podcasts, or listen early and ad-free on Wandery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wandery app. Hi folks, Kurt Brownoeller here. I'm so excited that you chose this episode of Bad Dates to listen to. Myself and Ophira Eisenberg are the guests on this episode, and we both tell our very bad dating stories. And Ophira's story is so very, very funny. I still think about it every couple of weeks. It'll just pop into my mind and I'll be like,

that was a bad one. And this was the first time I met Jamila and she is such a delightful weirdo. I really, really like her. And she actually came on and was a guest on my podcast, Bananas, that I co-host with the wonderful Scotty Landis. And if you like Jamila or myself, you can go listen to Bananas right now. It's all about strange news and storytelling.

And so each week we cover about four or five strange news stories. And then those are jumping off points for our guests and ourselves to tell some delightfully crazy stories and Jamila definitely delivers. So go check that out. And if you're in the Pacific Northwest or the Midwest, we're torn in April and May. So you can find all that out at bananaspodcast.com. But in the meantime, please enjoy this episode. I think you're going to really like it. Are we what we're making fun of LA because I have a heater on? I'm in LA, no we're making fun of you, not LA. Don't worry. I'm in an uninsulated garage. It is 40 degrees out.

What is 40 degrees in Fahrenheit? I refuse to learn Fahrenheit. Oh, fair. I like it. Look at this. I grew up on Celsius and I will stick with it because it's a system that makes sense. I'm not going to learn like whatever the temperature of the king's forehead or whatever Fahrenheit is based on. I'm bi. I use both. So it's fine. We're fine.

We're fine. I also measure my height in hands. So good. The king's hand is the it the King's hand? I can't do that because mine is so disproportionately large. A hand that can dwarf any cock is what I've always been told. Please everyone meet our panel. First up we have the wonderful Kurt Brauneller. Hello, welcome. Welcome to the show properly.

Hello, thank you for having me. Kurt, for anyone who isn't familiar, is a comedian, an actor and a writer with credits on the Big Stick, Bob's Burgers amongst many many others, but most notably, in my opinion, The Good Place. Oh, thank you. Also, you know what? I know where I would have a special interest in that. Ha ha ha ha!

Final scene! I was in the absolute final scene of the entire show. I know. Wild, wild, wild, wild. It was a really crazy time to be brought in. Ha ha ha! It's such a, it's so crazy to be thrown in in the sort of singular most important and emotional moment of a TV show like that. Hello, Afira Eisenberg.

Hello. Welcome, welcome to the show. So Afira is a stand-up comedian and a host of Parenting is a Joke podcast and she also hosted NPR's Ask Me Another. She is perhaps the perfect person to have on this podcast because she wrote the book Screw Everyone, Sleeping My Way to Monogamy, which is my favourite title of a book I've heard in years. Thank you.

So thank you for being here. I'm very excited for your expertise. Pleasure. Earlier on before this chat, we were talking about the fact that you live in New York, right? Yes. So if there's ever anywhere that you're going to sleep your way to monogamy, I feel like it's there. It's the sport fucking capital of the world.

So when I moved here, there was this theory, like based on statistics, that there were five women for every one guy. So just based on the numbers, it was the idea that like, hey, guys have their pick, if we're talking about like a heteronormative situation. So if you are a single woman that wants a guy, just be ready for the fact that they're like, they can just move from one to the next because it's an endless supply.

And you, yeah. Was that, did that bear, was that true? Is it actually one to five? That seems like insane. But wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Kurt, you dated in New York for years. So you tell us. It did feel that way.

It did feel that way, I will say. It did, but I also had a very strange experience with being single because I'm a monogamist at heart. I've gone from, I've had like four main relationships, including my wife who I'm married to for the past 10 years. But I had had a relationship from age 18 to 31. That was a 13 year relationship. Wow!

And in order, I one day asked her if we should get married. And she said, I think we should sleep with other people before we get married. And I was like all into that. I was like, yes, I agree with that. And so then we did this insane thing for one month. Um, she's like, I would like to continue this for another month. And I'm like, sounds good.

Cause I was having a great time. And, uh, and then after the second month, she was like, okay, I'm done. And I was like, I'm going to Australia. And then I went to Australia for a month and then met someone there and then came back and I was like, I've met someone, I think we should break up. So this is the trajectory of many of my friends

who have entered open relationships. Yes. Yes. Not all. Except we did it with very formal rules. I know, I love your communication rules. I love that. But so, Afirah, what was it like being one of the women who is like five to one man?

Yeah. So I heard this and I got to say I was so mad at it, I decided to really emotionally, mentally and physically rebel. And I was like, you know what? I don't want a relationship with any of these dudes. I don't care who they are. I don't care what they're about. I don't even want to know their last name. You know what, maybe I don't even want to know their first name. I don't care. I'm going to go out there and just fuck who I feel like being with. I'm going to have a good time and I'm not going to

care because I will not play by these rules. And that's what I did until I could not do it anymore. But I will tell you, so as I... But why could you not do it anymore? Was it sort of like vaginally or was it just sort of like you were catching feelings? Yeah, vaginally I was like, ow! No, vaginally it kept going great. No, I think I just got to, after a few years of it, I, you know, actually I just kind of figured out what I'm looking for because I didn't know.

The only thing I knew was if they like me, and frankly, if they like me, man or woman, we'd figure it out. I remember not so long ago, someone I know said to me, a man said, God, I wish I would have known you in your slutty years. And how did you feel about that? I said, you did. No! Oh my God.

Oh my God. I was like, not everyone made the cut. I mean, Jesus. You know what it's like so... Yeah, that's also that's so presumptuous. Right? Just because you were enjoying the fruits of New York City does not mean that you don't have fucking standards.

Yeah, they were low but I had some. It does mean that you don't know how to say goodbye, potentially. Goodbye and thank you. Bad Dates Okay, so I have to hear about your bad dates, okay? So we're just going to jump straight in. Afeera, your story is called Hate Mondays. I have no idea what's coming. Mondays, I have no idea what's coming. Okay. Well, so this, I do stand-up and I was doing a stand-up show out of town New York called The Road and when you first do those shows, as many people will probably know,

they're not good shows. You're doing 20 minutes to people in a situation and they don't want you to be there and you have no, you're not good at it either. And there was another guy on the show who was flirting with me and I didn't know him and I thought, oh, this is interesting. I purposely did not date comics, honestly, because I thought we don't need those two psychological situations put together. Okay? It's a lot of damage in one bed.

Me too. I never did for that exact reason. Yeah. I didn't want to like, you know, post sex be like, who books this show? Like I didn't want that conversation. So we both were living in New York-ish and we, he said, I took the bus out. I didn't even have a car. So I had taken this bus out to this gig. He said, do you want to ride back? I was like, fantastic. Oh my God, you live in New York and you have a car?

I was already impressed. So we went, I picked a bar and we sat at this bar and had a couple of drinks. And now I will tell you this little thing about New York, New York dating. So the other thing that I was told by women, which was a grooming thing, because I moved to New York from Canada, and we just had different styles going on, but it was very... Okay, so you don't mean like a sex trafficking grooming? No, no, no. You mean like... Sorry. Oh, sorry, grooming.

I was told that... I'm extremely paranoid. I'm on high alert all the time. Danger, danger, danger. No, the trend at the time for women and bobby hair, and still is, but it was really big then, was to get a Brazilian. Right, right, right. Bikini wax. And I had never done that before. It never had come up. And they were like, oh yeah, that's what's expected, like that's what the guys like. So I had gone with a friend to a salon and I had gotten a Brazilian bikini wax the day before, which was very expensive, by the way.

And then I was like, oh my God, I have this. You know what though, it should be, shouldn't it? Because someone's having to like wax your ass I so I get it. I get it. But it also like that's quite a job. Go on though Because I'm gonna have to like work on your starfish. You know what I mean? Like that's yeah, right Also, what was the difference? What was what was canadian culture at that time? Just a maple leaf It was a uh, i'll call it winter bush. I'm going to call it winter bush. Winter bush. And people, everybody was cool with winter bush. I found, I never had a complaint. The sugar loaf, if you will. Yeah, yeah. So, deeply expensive Brazilians.

Yeah. And then- Did you bleat your asshole? No, I've never done that. Okay, no. I've never done that. I've always felt that- Hey, I hear that that is big in the game. I have never done that. I've always felt that. I hear that that is big in the game. I have never done it because I'm very funny about my bumhole. And also, what am I going to, a UV? It's very funny about it. You know what I mean? That it needs to glow in the dark.

I did have a waxer once say the following phrase, for an extra $5, do you want me to bleach your hoop? And I was like, your hoop? Oh, no. You know what? Still not the worst one I've heard. The worst one I've heard I think was coined by Russell Brand, which is your leathery bagel. I haven't eaten a bagel since. Exactly. I am not going to that bagel shop. Okay. Okay. So you have the Brazilian.

So I have the Brazilian and I got to say, like, I really, I was in the mode of like, got to get my money's worth on this. You know, there's a small window for this to be a fresh bikini wax. I'm half Israeli. The hair grows quick. So I was also, so I was like, someone should see this. It's not for me. It's for someone else to enjoy.

And it's illegal to just get it out, isn't it, in the street? Yeah, exactly. Make an arrangement, yeah. So we are at a bar, we're drinking, and we're talking, you know, I was like, are we going anywhere with this? You know, maybe the hair is growing in, so we should finalize what we're doing. It's just the timer. You can feel the hair growing.

Tick, tick, tick towards midnight. It's your Cinderella. Tickling follicles. Yeah, exactly. Your Cinderella midnight. Weingly follicle. It's your Cinderella. Yeah, exactly. Your Cinderella midnight. We're getting some shadow. We're getting some shadow.

What at midnight the first pew pops out. No, it just turns into a pumpkin of pews. It just completely sprouts, plunk. Yeah, immediately at midnight, poof. Back to Winterbush. And so then he said, he did go like, do you want to come back to my place? But in Queens. So we drove to his bachelor pad.

He lived in the basement of a Greek family's home, which was very of that neighborhood. And I remember we were going down the stairs. He had that carpet on his stairs that you put on outdoor stairs, you know, that kind of straw carpet. that's weird. And then- Speaking of pubic, yeah. Go on. Yeah, very straw-like.

And then there was no, you know, bachelor pad, like no decor. The only thing was a framed picture of a sports car. Uh-huh. No, no, no. Like a Formula One or whatever sports car. That's the only thing. Yes.

So you have failed to mention that he was 14. Which I think is important. That is the only thing I had on my wall when I was 14. It was a Lamborghini Coutage. Right, yeah. And then we start making out and we are heading towards his bedroom. Now I have an extra situation here because I have a huge scar on my stomach from recovering from a car accident when I was a kid. And the whole time when I became

into, you know, having sex, it was always a thing, especially with casual sex, where it's like, I'm going to take off my top, should I explain the scar? And so I used to like, I had a little bottled speech that I would just give. Okay, where I'd be like, hey, you're about to be see a big scar on my stomach. It's from a car accident. When I was eight years old, I could talk to you about all you want, but just so you know, it doesn't hurt. Why do you touch it? And also doesn't feel particularly good. So don't feel the need to like rub your penis on it or anything like that. And you know, and like. Just a landing strip. I love that there had been, like that was a required speech.

That it was either we're not going to touch it or we're going to try and fuck it. But then, before I even can finish that thought, he is about to open the door to his bedroom and he says to me would you like to see something special? Oh no. Uh oh. Chef surprise. Oh gosh.

It's another, it's another car poster. It's my favorite car poster. Yeah so right what do you do? But of course I feel like you know my girlfriends said you know you my girlfriends said, you know, you should have left. Or whatever, if they were posed that question, they... No, because the surprise could be chocolate, like... Well... Or he has an iguana.

Yeah, exactly. He reveals his room, which is filled with a collection of Garfields. He had like 200 or so Garfields. They were everywhere. Get out of there! Get out of there! Wait, no, why? I don't understand. There were big ones, there were stuffed ones, there were those little plastic ones that looked like trophies with things like plaques on the bottom and different poses like golfing Garfield and like French Garfield with a beret, you know, and there was a huge one.

Oh my god, did they have Indian Garfield with like a little bindi on? No? Or like a Jewish one with a little kippah, like that would be amazing. Again, I'm into that. I'm into that. I should have had more luck dating. Maybe I should have gone to New York where all the freaks were. It's surprising. It was surprising. I said to him... Oh my God. So what was your reaction? How did you feel?

Well, first I was sort of jokey. Like, oh, if this goes well, do I get one? Like a prize? He loves pussy. That's what he's telling you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love orange pussy. Yeah, exactly. Well, you could say flesh-colored is orange. But no, I actually, I said, why? I believe I just said a blanket sort of why? And then he said, oh, I've just been collecting them since college. So I told

him to take, there was a huge one like life size on his bed. Mm hmm. And was that way you drew the line and asked him to remove it from there? And then he's like, now I want Garfield to hug you while I fuck you. I know, I'm sorry. And so you like sat in him like a chair. That, you know, in a different world, maybe that would have been fun. But no, I said, I did say, I don't know why, I said take the three biggest ones out. That was sort of my idea of like, out of the room.

Out of what? Out of you? Out of the room. Okay, fine. That was like me trying to be, I don't know, exerting some control standards. So then we got undressed and in this shrine to Jim Davis, right? Jim Davis. Yeah, that's Jim Davis. So then he got undressed and it turns out the only thing bigger than his Garfield collection was his penis. It was the biggest thing I've ever seen.

Terrifying. Terrifying. Horrifying. Right? Yes, horrifying. Yeah, I didn't know why I yeah I think he was like it's named Odie. A penis that could give my hand a run for its money absolutely a no no. It was like just for all your listeners it was like two of her hands okay which is like I don't even know what I'm saying right now that's now. That's about five foot six. Yeah. That's Ariana Grande. But you know, the worst sex I've ever had. The worst sex I've ever had. Like clearly,

I mean first of all- But you know what? Sorry, but you wanted an audience for your newly like completely waxed purse and you had 201 viewers. I know. Like you had, that was a, That bed was a stage for your Brazilian. It's true. So not just one person saw it, like him and his chorus of cats were able to witness your hairless wonder.

All the Garfields were like, hates Mondays, loves this pussy. Oh yeah, that pussy looks like lasagna. Lasagna, lasagna. I have a question. Were you about to, were you about to say that he said his dick was named Odie? Yeah, yeah. Did he say that? It was a joke, that was, yeah.

He did say that? Yeah, yeah. That's funny, that's very funny, because Odie looks like a big dick. Odie looks like a big dick with balls. Odie's head or but I mean doesn't matter which way you put Odie's like balls in either and would work yeah yeah that's so funny oh my god I mean other than the get up from the bad sex there's a lot of keeper material in there. His style of having sex by the way was the and I had never had this before, which

was, you know, eyes shut, leaning, he was on top of me, just like, just going like a jackrabbit, like just super fast. Oh, you can't do that with that kind of machinery. That's crazy. Yeah. No, you have to move in like slow-mo, like Cruise running in slow-motion style like that is deeply unacceptable. I needed mission possible. I needed mission possible. And then I don't know he dismounted.

But no, thankfully he came quickly and then he did say do you want me to go down on you or something? And I was just like no. Oh no. Oh no! Oh my god. And then you had to get back from fucking Queens. I know! Oh no, with a broken hairless vagina. Did you guys like just shake hands and you left right after?

Yeah. Someone I've dated, you know, he was because he was famous, he made the mistake of shagging a fan and she did not blink the whole time they were fucking. She was an MRI scan of like every colicule on his head. It was crazy. I did not blink. Like dry-eyed at the end of the show. So there's a happy medium there. Like dry-eyed at the end of the show. So there's a happy medium there, but anyway, we will be back with more dates right after this.

I'm Matt Ford. And I'm Alice Levine. And we're the hosts of British Scandal. In our latest series, we're visiting one of the rockiest sibling relationships ever. Okay so I'm thinking Danny and Kylie. No no no I'm thinking Anne Boleyn and the other Boleyn. No no no Barry and Paul Chuckle. No, it's Noel and Liam Gallagher. Now these two couldn't be more different but they're tied to each other in musical dependency.

Despite their music catching the attention of people around the world, Liam's behaviour could destroy their chances. However, their manager saw an opportunity to build a brand around their rebellious nature. It's got fights on boats, fights on planes, fights on land. They just fight everywhere. If you like fights, you'll love this. To find out the full story, follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad free on Wondry+, on Apple Podcasts or on the Wondry app. The early 2000s was a breeding ground for bad reality competition series. From shows like Kid Nation, CBS's weird Lord of the Flies-style social experiment

that took 40 kids to live by themselves in a ghost town, to The Swan, a horrifying concept where women spent months undergoing a physical transformation and then were made to compete in a beauty pageant. Hi, I'm Misha Brown, and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle

one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Recently on The Big Flop, we looked at the reality TV show, The Swan. The problem, this dream opportunity quickly became a viewing nightmare. They were isolated for weeks, berated, operated on,

and then were ranked by a panel of judges. Follow the big flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Kurt, your date is titled The Dummy. I have no idea what has happened. I haven't told anything. So this is breaking news. There's a large preamble prior to the date because there's a lot of stuff you need to

understand. My very first gig and show business when I was like 23 or something like that was a prank show for country music television. Wow. Called Prankville. And I was a person who pranked people and I'm not proud of it now,

but I was young and naive and very excited to be on TV and the one of the pranks that I had to do was I had to go out on dates so women would set their friends up on a blind date and then those women would show up to the blind date and it would be me on the blind date with them. And then like two minutes into the date, I would say, I want you to meet my best friend. And then I would pull out a ventriloquist dummy

out of a suitcase that looked and was dressed exactly like me. And then I would only talk to the women through the ventriloquist dummy the whole night until they essentially left. You know, like that was the point of it was to get them to like be upset and leave.

Cause that's how pranks work. So, and I have a little- I am already turned on by this idea. So like I would have been terrible on the show cause that is exactly my vibe. Are you a good ventriloquist? Could you- No, I don't ventriloquism.

I don't ventriloquism. I can't even know. I don't even know what the proper verb of it is. I don't ventriloquism. I don't, I can't even know. I don't even know what the proper verb of it is. I don't ventriloquism at all. So it would just be me moving my mouth while the puppet moved its mouth, right? And, and you know, this is, it's a prank show. So there's hidden cameras everywhere.

And I have like a little ear wig in my ear so that the producers can talk to me but she can't see it or know about it. And I pull, so we do it to one woman and it goes fine. You know, they get some good reactions or whatever they want. And then the next woman comes in and I pull it out and immediately her eyes just get like really big.

And I can tell like she's like deeply terrified. And she just is like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't like dummies. I don't like those. Please put it away. And then the producer of Mayor is like, oh, yeah. Oh, no. She's like, do not put it away.

And so then I have to just keep talking to this woman. And I'm starting to feel terrible about this. She's obviously very scared. And the dummy is just being like, why don't we, why don't we lose the big guy and go back to his place? Like I had all these scripted lines I was supposed to say. And so to make the dummy like pick up a knife and sort of jab it out. Yeah, because I wanted to scare her even further. She was already in a place of pure terror.

I wanted to actually have her scared for her life. But she was hanging around, which is already amazing to me. This is like, it's a very quick date. So she says to me, like, please, will you please talk to me? I don't want to talk to the dummy. Please talk to me. And then in my ear, the producer's like, do not talk to her. And so I just keep doing the thing that I'm supposed to be doing, then I'm paid to be doing,

is like talking to her through the dummy. And so eventually she just, she's just like, I can't, I can't. She's just like having a panic attack. She like pushes away from the table and gets up and just starts like walk leaving. And then the producer's like, go after her. You have to like get her to,

we have to get her to sign a release still. Tell her it's a prank show. So then I start to follow her and then she looks and sees me like coming after her and then she starts to run. And then I'm like chasing this woman and I like, we exit the restaurant. She starts to run down the fucking street.

And so I like, I'm like, I realize I can't, I'm not like, so I like run like a quarter block and then I'm like, what am I doing? So I'm just yelling, so I'm not physically coming close to her, you know, going like, it's a prank show. Your friend set you up, this is a prank show. Yeah, women don't mind being screamed at in the dark at night, that's definitely fine.

I need a release. I think a guy yelling that would be good. I need a release. I think a guy yelling that would be good. I need a release. Ah! Come back and give us our release. Ah! I never even thought about that joke. That is such a funny joke.

And so then she turns around and she just screams, I don't believe you. Like she just doesn't believe me. And I'm like, I swear to God, your friend is back here. She's here. And I said her friend's name. I was like, and I was like, guys, send her friend out. And so I'm holding my ear saying, guys, send her friend out.

She's really scared. Send her friend out. And, but we've run out of the restaurant. So I am beyond like the reception for my mic. So no one inside can hear me. So you're trying to have to, so you're gonna have to try and coax her back. So yeah, so from her perspective, I'm just like a guy on the street,

like who's, A goes around with a dummy and then is just talking to the air going, send her friend out guys, send her friend out. Like a car is gonna pull up with her, like friend in the trunk or something. And then finally I'm like, just stay there, and I run inside, I get the producers, I bring the producers out.

And like they show, her friend is there, she sees it, she's still scared. Even after she sees the cameras that her friend is there, her friend tells her that she set her up, all this stuff. She then has to, she's so upset, she needs to sit and watch me do it to another woman and use all the same lines until she knows it's like fully scripted.

So that is the, just the beginning, okay? Wow. And here's- Oh shit. Yeah, where is she now? Oh my God. Fast forward like six years and I'm at a party and I was like, where is everybody smoking weed? I was like wandering around and then I was like,

there was just a room that was closed and so I was like, is everybody smoking weed in here? And I like opened the door and as I opened the door, she's in that room with a group of people and she has just taken like a big hit off of a pipe and I opened the door and she sees me and I shit you not. She just went, it's him. To her friend and her friend knew who she was talking about.

And I was like, and I immediately was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I apologize over and over and over again for it. Did you recognize her immediately? Yes, I totally immediately recognized her. Because also, I remember on the date feeling specifically bad because I found her, I was like, oh, we would get along in real life.

Meaning, she seemed cool and I found her attractive, right? Right, right, right. And like, she was a little punky. And I was, and so then we start talking that night And we end up getting along and then I asked her out on a real date and she says yes And so then we go on the most Surreal date, please tell me you brought your puppet. I know. I wish I no longer had it. It would have been because that is the thing.

It's the ultimate callback. So great. It's the ultimate. If I had done it or just even had like a sock puppet would have been great. And so it just felt like she expected me to prank her the whole time. And so she was suspicious of me the whole time. And I just kept trying to make jokes like this is it was a I'm not kidding. Like I'm a nice guy. This was just like a thing.

It was a show that I did for money. And eventually midway through the day, I was like, should we just not? Should we stop this? And she's like, OK. And so then we just like we didn't even hug. Well, I don't even think we shook hands. We literally were like, and good day, sir. And like just walked in our separate directions and I've never heard or spoke to her again. Oh my God.

Okay, wait, I have so many questions. So first of all, why was she so afraid of dummies? I don't know. I think it's one of those things. It's like clowns. How did you never find that out? What's wrong with you? Me?

Didn't you know that one day you would be telling this story on my podcast? Were you not at all curious? I know it is. It's really, it is a fault of my own personal shortcomings. I just like, I personally am like completely attracted to the ridiculous. Like that is my exact like my... Me as well. Yeah, yeah.

I am, I definitely like that is where all my, my attraction to people come from. So if you look at all the people I've dated, none of them look anything alike. You can't pin down like any type of mine. I do have like a proclivity towards short, curvaceous Italian men, but that's because I think I played so much Super Mario when I was younger, so I think it created like a kink. But other than that, there's no definitive type that I have, other than they're all funny.

Except all of them have an unattached jaw that just kind of jiggles back and forth when they talk. That's the only thing that unifies all of them. Afeera, do you have any questions for Kurt? Well, I guess I do wonder, first of all, I'm giving you credit on your second date. Let's call it your second date, whatever that thing was, that you had the wherewithal to call it. Like I do appreciate that you as a guy like felt some vibe and mood in the room and you were like, do you want to end this? And she was like, yeah, let's just turn it off. And then you both

were like, end curtains. And you were out of there. But I also. You're so right. I found that so revolutionary when I heard about it. I was like, fucking hell, like we can tap out of almost anything, but you're not allowed to tap out of a date. Like we need to, we could start a movement right here, right now, guys. Yeah. Yeah. It's like every date needs a safe word or something like that.

Like safe words aren't just for... Yeah, or a little bell, I was thinking. No? Yes. Yes, a date bell., I was thinking. No? Yes! Yes, a date bell! Ding! All right, well, we did our best, everybody.

Yeah, I just think that would be so amazing. That would be so amazing. That is also, like, when you're saying, like, oh, well, this is such a great to just call the date, like, wow, what a revolutionary idea. There was no way that this date was going to end in sex. It was like, I had trapped a deer in an elementary school on slippery floors.

Like that was her whole vibe of being like very unsure and not really wanting to be there. So like, it was almost just like, I was like, oh, I'm not keeping you hostage. And it was just like, okay, like, it was almost just like I was like, Oh, I'm, I'm not keeping you hostage. And it was just like, Okay, great. It's over. Right. You're like, you're saving someone's misery. You're like, you are miserable. I will let you go. You're euthanizing. It's euthanizing. It's a euthanizing of the date. Yeah. You're killing the deer. You're killing

the deer. Yeah, exactly. Instead of just opening the door. I was once on a date with someone and he, I can't say his name because he's in the public eye, but he asked me out and I said, no. And he was like, are you even attracted to me? And I said, no. And then he called me a cab in literally five seconds. It was literally like, say no to me Kurt and I'll... Uh, no. Hello? Hello? Yeah. Addison Lee, that's a cab company. Literally that fast. He had them on

speed dial and they were outside in two minutes. And I, you know what, hilariously, because I thought that was so funny, I then became attracted to him, but didn't say anything because I was like, oh, that'd be too cliche. But like, I immediately was drawn to him as soon as he did something so funny as to throw me out of his house within two seconds of saying I wasn't attracted to him. I was like, the fact that he wasn't going to play some bullshit long game with me, I'm like, that's okay. We can just be friends. Well, he then still tries to fuck me for the next six months.

I was like, oh my God, funny, straightforward, rude. I'm in. That's amazing. That's a move. I'm fucked up. I need more therapy. But we will have more bad dates right after this. Bad dates.

Bad dates. Are you looking to add a new podcast to your ever-growing podcast schedule? If the answer to that question is yes, or even if it's maybe, or really anything other than a hard no, let me suggest my podcast, Life is Short with Justin Long. Or even if it's, eh, maybe. Or really anything other than a hard no. Let me suggest my podcast, Life is Short with Justin Long.

In every episode we peek inside the heads of actors, musicians, authors, and thinkers to find out what makes them tick and how they find meaning in life. I'm also very curious about some of the heavier, more existential stuff like what emoji they use most often and what their favorite form of a potato is. You know, the important stuff. So a potato is, you know, the important stuff. So join us because, you know, life is short. If you like Life is Short and Life is Shorter, you can listen ad-free right now by joining

Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Hey, listener, it's Sean Hayes. Do you know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued or what was in Al Capone's vault? If not, then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia. But that's okay because you can learn all about it on the new podcast, WikiHole, from all of us here at Smartless Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with host Darcy Carden and her favorite comedian

friends as they bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to WikiHole, you'll learn that's the sciency term for eardrum. WikiHole is the wild, wild west of Wikipedia. Starting out on one Wikipedia page, they go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities and unexpected connections until everyone wonders, how the hell did we get here? Follow WikiHole on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to WikiHole ad free by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. And we're back. So, Afeera, Kurt, I made what's maybe the mistake of asking the internet for some bad date stories. And boy did they deliver. I only put this up for like one hour to see what would come in. And it was pretty fucking staggering as to what's out there. Like I think one of the things that I want to achieve with this podcast is that I want to make

single people feel less alone out there in the wild. And I want to make people who aren't single feel deeply relieved and grateful in the wild and I want to make people who aren't single feel deeply relieved and grateful who they have or inspired to leave and get out there on this wild, you know, into the wild world west. But some of the stories I got are as follows. We'll start with Tanner, who said, on my worst date, we went to a play without knowing it was all about suicide and we had both recently lost friends. We were both super sad and oversharing afterward and then went to a play without knowing it was all about suicide. And we had both recently lost friends. We were both super sad and oversharing afterward, and then went to sit in her car to talk and process. And then she throws me two curve balls.

Number one, she starts streaming an episode of Family Guy on her phone. And two, and this is all in the car by the way, and two, the interior of her car is covered in bird shit Because she really loved her pet bird and she would just let him fly around her car Uncaged and was apparently just poop blind an absolute roller coaster from tragedy to awkwardness to sheer disgust That's amazing By the way, I you know again

Putting a bird inside of a car for freedom does not sound like freedom. It sounds rude. Honestly, it sounds rude. This is what you could be doing by yourself. Check it out. You can't sit on the chair. Look through the window at other free birds as we drive by. That's right.

At a speed you could probably fly if I didn't clip your wings every three weeks. Oh my god, absolutely fucking horrifying. Yeah, I think, needless to say, that didn't go anywhere. There's another one that I just want to run past you because I think it's so weird that it's one of my favorite stories ever. This is from someone who wrote in who said, a guy picked me up for our first date that I met off Tinder. He took me to his parents cottage in the middle of nowhere, red flag, and then proceeded to

show me his axe collection. No. Including his favorite axe that he used to, and she says this in Caps Lock, cut his hair. What? I did not see that coming. she says this in Caps Lock, cut his hair. What? I did not see that coming. Who is out there? Who, I mean, I'm amazed that she's alive to send me that DM.

Took her to a cabin in the middle of the woods and then thought it would make her feel safe to show her his fucking axe collection. Well, I mean, if you've already accepted Cabinet of woods, you know, if you're already like, yeah, I'm game for cabinet of woods. I guess you have to be prepared for a little axe action. How do you cut your hair with an axe? I can't figure it out.

We're hoping head hair, not pubes. That Brazilian would be extremely dangerous. Do you have really long hair and so you can drape it over a wood stump? I honestly think that my truthful, not funny reaction is that he was probably very, very proud of that. To get an ax sharp enough to cut hair takes a long, long time of sharpening. So he was like very proud, and he probably was like,

I could cut my hair with this. Why do you know this, Kyle? I know it sounds very- I go in the woods, I am a woodsman. I sharpen axes, I sharpen knives. I know it takes, it's like, it's an accomplishment. All right, so- It's a skill to cut your hair with an axe.

If only he'd taken Kurt on that day. I would have been psyched. I would have been like, that's pretty cool. You would have been rock hard at the sight of this. Yes, as in, and by he, you mean Kurt. This is written about Kurt. This was me. I do have two axes that I keep near my bed for intruders.

Really? I have intruder axes because like, you know, I'm not going to have a gun, but I do find my, me having an axe is as dumb as having a gun because it assumes that if there's an intruder, I'm assuming that if there's an intruder asleep and just like barely awake, I will then be able to fight a man with an axe, which I've never had to do in my entire life,

that I'm gonna like learn that skill in that moment. But wait, are you planning to like hit him with the axe or throw the axe at him? I would not throw it because I would probably miss and then I would just be giving him an axe. But you have two! You're giving him an axe already! I have two! No, that's for both hands, that's for both hands. Okay. This has ended up in so many places I didn't expect. I have overshared in ways that I didn't anticipate and I don't even know how I feel about it. I've truly exposed myself. But guys, you've been absolutely ideal and I'm happy to know that you are still alive and safe through these dating stories.

And also, one of my favourite things about this show is the fact that one date story, they are Pringles. They are conversational Pringles. Like you just can't have, like they lead to so many more. And I think it really shows how much we block out. The way that I could see both of your memories triggered about any kind of new detail about a different scenario as to how many shit dates we've had. It's just a very universally bonding subject. And I thank you for being here to bond with me today.

I feel better, thank you. Thank you. Great, free therapy session. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Kurt Braunola's new stand-up special, Perfectly Stupid is available on YouTube

and he co-hosts the podcast Bananas and a Fira Eisenberg's new comedy special, Plant Based Jokes is streaming on YouTube now and she is the host of the podcast, Parenting as a Joke. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me.

Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schleeter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartlist Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 984-265-3283

and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more Bad Dates. Smart. Less slash survey. Your girl Kiki Palmer is out here doing all the things, winning an Emmy, acting, singing, looking fabulous. And my favorite role yet, podcasso's. In my podcast, Baby This Is Kiki Palmer, I'm talking to so many cool people.

Some of my favorite conversations have been about growing up as a child star with Allian AJ, queer rights and trans issues with JVN, abusive relationships with Dr. Drew, silk presses with the VP, and the music that shapes us with Mean Girls' Renee Rapp. So many to choose from. And in this new season, just wait who I'll be talking to next.

Snoop Dogg, Sterling K. Brown, Saweetie, to name a few. Follow Baby This Is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch full episodes on YouTube and you can listen to Baby This Is Kiki Palmer early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.