Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Best Worst Bad Dates Of 2023 - Part 2 (w/ Steph Tolev and Gianmarco Soresi)

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes fan favorite guests Steph Tolev and Gianmarco Soresi to review the 10 best worst bad date stories from our first year. This week, they hear clips from entries 5-1 on the countdown, including werewolf men, post-coital opinions, car phone disasters, a molement in time, and the #1 (or should that be #2) worst date of the year. Bad Dates will return!Steph Tolev: @stephtolev on social media, Steph Infection: The PodcastGianmarco Soresi: @gianmarcosoresi, The Downside with Gianmarco SoresiSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Bad Dates, I'm Dramila Dramil and today we are going to finish our countdown of the worst dates of our first season. And joining me once again will be the legendary Bad Date survivors and comedians Steph Tolev and John Marco Serresi. Bad Dates! All right, number five is Elmer Bacon. Now, Elmer learned that everyone reveals something about themselves when they're sexually excited, which can sometimes lead to ridiculous danger. So we start kissing and he's kissing me and he starts doing this thing where he's like,

he's like, he'll kiss me and then he'll pull back and he's like, and he's like tearing his hair and he's like, Are you sure you weren't filming an episode of general hospital or? What exactly is he doing? He's like grabbing his hair, grabbing his hair, he's sort of like kicking his feet. Is it a grunt? Is it a growl? What is it? And I think what he's trying to do is like...

Is it constipated? It's the same sound. So he's like trying to telegraph like oh I want to fuck you so bad but I can't. But he's like overacting so much that it seems like he was sent there to kill me or something.

I thought the second hand embarrassment was going to actually end my life. Go on. So it's like he's tortured. It seems like he was like sent there to kill me and he can't go through with it. Like there's just like inner conflict where he's just like, I can't, I can't. And then he pulls back. He's wearing a button up denim shirt and he just rips it open. And then, rose his head back and howls.

Like he literally went, ah! No way, no way. Woo! No way! There's no way. And then he does it again and I'm like, what? You're like, I have neighbors.

So I go, I'm like, I don't have a pet license. Oh my god. So I'm like, what's what's happening? And he he's like, well, he's turning into a werewolf. That's what he goes. He's like, I am sorry, you know, when I get, oh, when I get so turned on, I like to pretend that I'm a werewolf. He did not say that. Oh, when I get so turned on, I like to pretend that I'm a werewolf. No, she, oh. Ah.

He did not say that. He actually said that. No, he actually said when he gets turned on, he likes to pretend he's a werewolf. Is that why he was kicked his leg? You said he was kicking his leg. No. The early section was like the whirlpool building. So after they shit, they like,

they cover up the shit with the exact. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, he had the zoomies. He had the zoomies. Yeah. That's funny. That was one of my favorite stories. And what she said is that he looked exactly like Antonio

Banderas. And now that fucking story has ruined all Antonio Banderas work for me, because now all I can think about. This man, I think, bit her. He out. He kept on doing that thing where he dragss his foot back as you heard in the clip, like somewhere between a horse and the dog trying to cover up its poo.

It was truly one of the strangest and most bizarre animal cosplay experiences I've ever heard of during sex. Have you seen someone's freaky aside in the moment of, I don't know, climax? Yeah, but never like that. The image of that guy in the zoomies is actually don't know, climax. Yeah, but never like that. The image of that guy in the Zoomies is actually making me laugh really hard.

Him just running around, dragging his ass on the carpet. Especially if it looks like Antonio Banderas. It's just so funny. Her saying that at the top of the story fucked me for the rest of the episode because then it was all like it, it's all like it. It makes sense. Cause if you're that good looking, no one, you know,

they put up with it. And so if you're that good looking, no one, you know, they put up with it. And so if you're that good looking, no one ever says like, hey, you're great, but that werewolf thing is no good. No, it's not bad. It's such a big like animal connotation within sex, like even the wanting to claw each other or the biting or the sort of slightly growly vibe. What is that? I don't have that a lot. I would say, I don't know what's worse though, that or some guys come faces. I don't know what we were.

Some guys are just like, heinous. Like they're taking a shit the second they come. Or they're like pushing it out. Have you seen that? Do you know what your come faces is, Steph? I think it's more subtle than I, I don't know. Oh, is it nice and lovely? Is it really gentle and demure?

Yeah, I go, yes, I go, oopsies, I'm coming. I come like a Chanel advert. That's what it looks like. I just, you know, just slow motion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything becomes black and white, weirdly. And French music starts to play. Yes, yes, yes.

It's really stunning. The orchestra chimes in. Yeah, I've said before, I've had a guy say, who, rah, during climax, that was really, really intense. And then another partner who used to track how long he would be able to last for would always insist on us having sex to the radio, because the radio song through all three minutes long, so he'd be able to time how long he was via how many songs had passed. So the whole time I was really in the moment and really in love, he would be just counting and counting and counting and just like getting through the lyrics of the song to be able

to last longer than as he would come, he'd be like, two songs, four songs. And then it just meant that he just so wasn't in the moment and it was so sweet, but also like quite detaching. In defense of that, when I first started having sex and you know, finishing a little too fast, I remember once an episode of Will and Grace started just coincidentally while we were making love. And I think I was able to distract myself

with the Will and Grace. And I remember when I came, the credits were rolling and I was like, yeah, damn, to the credits. 22 minutes with an ad break, that's extraordinary. Hey, yeah. That's a really big brag. That's a big brag. That is a big brag.

Well, I feel, yeah, I feel better about almost all of the moments of arousal that I've experienced after hearing Elna's story. That one will continue to haunt me. And I just know that that man sounds like a prolific shagger. And I bet so many people who've heard this podcast are like, so I wasn't the only one. Do you know what I mean?

This sounds like this. I like this is a sick, this is signature shit. This isn't something that he only did for the first time. This is him pulling his werewolf nonsense with everyone around New York. If you've been awed at by this man, please let us know at baddatespod.com. Hi, I'm Anna. And I'm Emily. We're the hosts of Wanderies podcast Terribly Famous,

a show where we bring you outrageous true stories about our most famous celebrities. Our latest season is all about the catwalk queen Naomi Campbell. The years Naomi had to fight to be treated fairly in an industry that was overwhelmingly white. That drive saw her break down barriers and reached the pinnacle of high fashion, but it also got her into some dangerous situations when it spilled over into an anger she couldn't control. In our new season, Naomi Campbell's model behaviour, we tell the story of how a young girl from South London became a trailblazing black icon, but had some very public falls of how she stood up to the British tabloids and won, and the lengths she had to go to to be the first black woman in history

to make the cover of French Vogue. But she risks losing it all when her explosive behaviour lands her in court. Follow Terribly Famous Wherever You Listen to podcasts, or listen early and add free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery App. Hello, I'm Alice Levine and I am one of the hosts of British Scandal. So I want you to imagine that you're being offered five hundred thousand pounds to introduce someone to your ex.

I mean, the answer is still no. So you shake hands and agree to do it. But it's all about to get a hell of a lot more complicated because the you in this story is Fergie, the Duchess of York, ex-wife of Prince Andrew and the person who's offered you half a million pounds is an undercover tabloid reporter who's recorded the whole conversation. Oh and just one more thing, promise last one, it's all about to appear on the front page of the news of the world. In the later season of British Scandal we take you inside the story of the so-called

fake shake, the investigative journalist Mazem Amoud, and the series of explosive sting operations he used to con public figures. From Fergie to singer Tleesa and former England football coach Sven Grøren Ericsson. Follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and ad-free on Wondry Plus, on Apple podcasts, or the Wondry app. Honestly, a million pounds and I still wouldn't introduce you to him. And that's for your sake. All right, number four is Amy Miller. Now, this is a clip of Amy sharing that her date wanted to talk about the N word. This was all like during trying to get sexual with one another. And then Amy realizing that she's the only white person on the episode.

Unfortunately, I don't ever hear the stories beforehand. So we had Amy as the only white person on the episode having to tell this story that she could no longer back out of and then felt tremendous rage towards me as she started telling her story. So let's hear what happened. But then we're just kind of like watching TV and he wants to talk about comedy, which I'm like, oh good, can't wait for this. Always the worst as Phoebe knows, there's always some like, I've been thinking about, I'm pretty funny.

I'm gonna get into it too. So I was waiting for that, but he didn't, that's not where he went. He wanted to talk about Louis C.K. And he was like, oh, I think he's so great. And then just out of nowhere, he was like, what do you think about him saying the N-word? And I was like, not good.

I don't know. What if I was like, I love it. I'm... I'm... They're good. That's my favorite part. That's the end of the story, guys. That's the end of the story, guys.

That's the end of the story, guys. That's the end of the story, guys. That's the end of the story, guys. That's the end of the story, guys. By the way, they didn't tell me who was on the show when I pitched this story. So here we go. That's the end of the story. Thanks so much, this story. So here we go. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That was post-coital and that man continued to stand there ranting and saying the N-word

and she had to push him out of her home pretty much naked, I believe, if memory serves. So it was a pretty bad day. Yeah. If you're going to bring up Louis CK on a date, you better wait till post-coital to bring up Louis CK. Oh, yeah. That's for the damn sure. You can't bring it up. Yeah, if you're gonna bring up Louis CK on a date you better wait till post-coital to bring up Louis CK You can't bring it up free if you've you got some thoughts about Lucy K. It's best to save it for after the sex Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've also had a guy I had a guy I had already had sex with him and then I went I brought him to a comedy show

This is in Toronto. He was a white French boy and after the show He went outside and went that one and word was hilarious in front of all my friends And I was like oh And literally I had like three of my girlfriends went what the fuck do you just say and then I was like oh my god I fucked a racist like I didn't I didn't know no there was a was it was there I was like oh, oh, he's like are we hanging out again? I go You just yelled the end word No, we're not hanging out again, and it was suck because he gave really he was really good eating puss and I was like, oh, oh, and he's like, are we hanging out again? I go, you just yelled the N word. No, we're not hanging out again.

And it was suck because he was really, he was really good at eating puss. And I was like, God damn it. Oh, man. If he just didn't say that word, he had a tongue ring and he was using it really well. I'll never forget like the shade of Amy's face because Sam Richardson and Phoebe Robinson

are there on the podcast with me as she's starting to have to like get into the details of that story. And she, you could see all the blood and color drain out of her face as she had to start getting towards the n-word part. And it goes, it really goes on like this, that the n-word part becomes the main part of the story. And she just had to, she just like, it was like homeland, the only way out was back in like she just had to, she had to see the whole story through and I've never felt worse.

I've never sent like more apologies after an episode. But yeah, the post-coital reality is really terrifying. I'm trying to think if I've ever learned something terrible about a person after. I've only slept with five people and I've ended up in a relationship with them. So I feel like I had a sort of two year revelation. Well, you've only slept with five people? Yeah. My God. like I had a sort of two year revelation. Well, you've only sat with five people? Yeah.

My God. But I've kissed six. No. So, big old kisser here. Oh my God, you're like, this is, you're a unicorn. That's so, I can't, my number is. I think I'm just a unique. You, yeah.

I think that's a difference. That's crazy. My number is over a think I'm just a eunuch. You, yeah. I think that's a difference. That's crazy. My number is over 100, for sure. Well, that's why you're probably much better in bed than I am for I- No, no, no, I'm probably much worse. I don't think possible. Those weren't good.

Those weren't good. I, no, I just, I really just make home wherever I am. So, you know, like I just, I find it very difficult to have the beginning of the, so you can see from the way I'm talking about it, like I just have no flow, I have no game, but entering into the sexual relationship with someone, even my accent's changing right now, like I'm getting so nervous talking about it, I can't watch sex scenes, like I'm just very, very, very shy.

And so once someone's willing to have sex with me, I'm like, I'm gonna have sex with you forever. Cause it's easier for me than having to. Is that what you would say post-coital that they freaked out about having sex with you? I start pulling out my twilight shit. Oh wait, can we talk about Louis CK instead please? Yeah, I think I've always had more of a slow burn

of realizing someone's crazy over the following two years. Yeah. Sure. That's what I think. What about you, Dramarco? Anyone ever given you a weird post-coital chat? I, no, no. I mean, they always shut me down when I'm like,

let's talk about my favorite Lucy K bits, but that's about it. I... I think it's fair. The thing is, I think also worrying about someone's post nut theory or post nut chat is that they it's it is when someone's thinking they're clearest. Right. So that's like, it's their truest stuff. You know, a bit like when someone's hammered, you get like a real insight into a very authentic part of them. I feel the same way about the moments just after someone's come. Like that's when they're no longer in what I refer to as the nut mist, you know, where if there's too much, too much come in the bulls, then it starts

to, you know, it kind of creates a gorillas in the mist confusion sometimes for men from what I understand. And then they get crystal clarity after they've that's also what happens when you get older you stop coming it's just nut mist. Yeah. It's a very sad. This is for the holidays. It sounds like something I would get like a cocktail. I'll get the nut mist please. Yeah. Although I think I guess I'm like an old rage sort of nut dust.

Doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Loses its moisture. I'm sorry I said that. We'll be right back. Bad deeds. I'm Effwa Hirsch. And I'm Peter Fragerpen.

And in our new podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we delve into the life of Pablo Picasso. The ultimate giant of modern art everyone has heard of or seen a Picasso work or the Picasso brand on something. But a man with a complicated, difficult, personal side too that makes us look at his art in a different way.

He was a genius and he was very problematic. Follow Legacy Now wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge entire seasons of Legacy ad free on Amazon Music or by subscribing to I love a good pair of social relationships with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows? Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things.

Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane too, can't wait to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her. We all just have to admit, we're addicted. Everybody has opinions, we're addicted.

Everybody has opinions, everyone picks sides. From Wondery, I'm Sydney Battle. And I'm Matt Bellassai. And this is Disantel, where we unpack why we get so invested in these feuds. And whether or not our attention only makes the whole thing worse Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts Welcome back to our greatest worst date to the year we are now about to reveal the top three Now this one's from Ego Wodum who had a date with a dentist that she had high hopes for but that quickly fell apart right after he picked

her up. This is a second date and he picks the restaurant and picks me up and on the ride the car phone rings and it says mom and I was like, you should answer it. So he answers and he's like, hey, mommy, and that right there was already something for me. I'm all for good relationships with your parents. No, mommy and daddy has been taken away by porn hub.

That ruins those words forever. She starts talking a little bit and he was like, well, mom, I'm about to go on a date and I'm thinking you're on a date, motherfucker. I'm in the park. You're not about to go on a date. The date has begun. And she's like, oh, with who? Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

And then she's like, oh, with who? She was like, she starts guessing. She was like, your neighbor? And he was like, no. And I'm like, she starts guessing. She was like, your neighbor? And he was like, no. And I'm like, OK, cool. So he fucks his neighbor. And then she's like, oh, the Greek girl? And he's like, no.

And then she goes, well, well, then with who? And then she goes, the black girl? And he was like, yeah. And then she goes, oh, the black girl. Oh my god! Oh my god! what is happening? Oh my God. Oh my God.

Insane. An incident. Oh my God. What did he say? That's why I would be mortified. Also, hang up the, putting on speaker's, I don't trust my parents. My dad called yesterday in front of my new boyfriend

and he's like, he's Jeffers only let me say hi. I'm like, no, I'm gonna put you on. My dad called yesterday in front of my new boyfriend and he's like, he's Jefferson, let me say hi. I'm like, no, I'm gonna put you on. You're saying something weird immediately. I can't have you yapping around. That's a private conversation. It's so strange. My God. It's so inappropriate to pick up the phone.

It's so inappropriate to pick up the phone. Just text someone back later that's so, so, so strange. No, I've had minimal parental interaction, thankfully in the pursuit of love. That has been absolutely ideal. I feel like that's good. I mean, he must have thought that he, that she couldn't hear the phone

and everyone needs to learn that's not the case. No, I mean, there's no other way. There's no other way. Yeah. I mean, how long, how long was that? Listen to go? The Greek one? The Chinese one?

And he's just like, I'd be like, Mom, shut the fuck up. Please do God. Hang up the phone and pretend that you had some sort of a failure of connection. That's it. The first guess, you're done. I don't understand what that thought process is

to just see it through. No, no, no, that's crazy. So fucking strange. Ruined the vibe. Weirdly, Ego did not end up with that man. I like it that every single one of these ended with, and the good news, they've been married for 20 years. Yeah, they're going to their wedding. Yeah, very, very strange.

Steph, I'm thrilled to tell you that you made the top three. You are number two. I'm number two. I can't wait to see who fucking beat me because mine's pretty brutal. Steph, your story is etched upon my soul. And it'll be with me till the day that I die. No, it's great.

And you're an amazing storyteller. This is about the time that Steph braved a date with a guy who came to her place and quickly turned it into a bloodbath. Which, by the way, before we play it, I would just like to point out that you were like talking about the fact that you haven't really had any kind of animal experiences in the bedroom. I beg to fucking differ when it comes to this story. Yeah, I guess I forgot.

Yeah, let's play it for John Marco, who I don't think has heard this before. We immediately go to bed. I'm a disgusting pig. I'm not waiting around. Start making out the bed. We're getting... He's a little aggressive. He's doing a little kind of like bitey, kind of like then like a little, not too much, not like a full nothing nuts yet. But I can tell he keeps going. So I have this giant mole on this one side of my neck. It looks like a junior man. Very large. Kind of for years. My parents wouldn't let me get it removed because they said it was cancerous.

They said that they're, my doubt always for it. He's a great ant, had the same mole in the middle of her forehead and she got removed and she'd cancer and die. So my whole life I had to keep this fucking mole. So stuff, conscious as mole. So every time a guy would kiss me, they'd always go to the right side.

I'm like, hello, the left side, a lot of real estate over there and I think no fucking mole over there. So me and this guy are fooling around in my bed and he keeps going to kiss the right side. I'm like, hello, the left side, a lot of real estate over there. And I think no fucking mole over there. So me and this guy are fooling around my bed and he keeps going to kiss the one side of this wall. I'm like, for fuck's sake. So I keep trying to like angle his head away from the mole. But I guess he thought that angling away was him thinking I was getting kind of

like aggressive. So he goes in. Bites down. Now he bites. I don't know if he was trying to bite the mole or just trying to bite my neck, but he bit down and I believe the teeth went directly through the mole. Oh my gosh. I just heard like a little squish down. I'm like, oh my fucking god. Oh no, a crunchy squish.

Immediately. Oh, it was a crunchy squish. It's like if the junior men had been left in the sun for a long time, so the outer chocolate layer had a bit of a crunch to it. So I was like, oh my God, immediately. They're feeling blood trickling down my neck. Like, and a lot of it. And I was like, oh my fucking God.

I run to the bathroom. And the gig is what I was doing. So I'm not good with blood. So I'm literally in my own bathroom going, oh my God, oh my God. And it's not on all the way now. The mole isn't completely removed, but it is hanging on for years.

Oh, God. Like the final, like the opening scene of Cliff Hanger is what I'm imagining. Yes. Yeah, just so, it's just literally dangling on for fucking dear life here. Fuck me. Though I'm like wiping the blood as I'm gagging,

as I'm like, what do I do with the mole? I've never had a mole dangle. Like, is it, do I put pressure on it? I don't know what's going on. I come back in the room, he's now fully nude. He thinks it's time to go. I'm like, time to go. Time to go.

Four or five, four or five. I'd rather let my story 10 times over than do that once. The good, the best part of that was, it was a mole that I always wanted to get removed. So the next morning I found a mole doctor in LA and I got it surgically removed and then I had a really good report. Oh, I thought he did it. I thought he did the job for you.

No, it was like dangling. Like it was like hanging on by like a thread. So the next morning I woke up and it was like, ah, like a brisk breeze could have like taken it off. But I thought it was cancerous. So I had to go get it checked. So then the guy took it off and then I had a hilarious riffous, so I had to get it checked. So then the guy took it off, and then I had a hilarious riff with the,

I kept joking with the mole guy. I'm like, can I have a minute alone with the mole? And he's like, what? I was like, okay, anyways. I was having a fun riff with that guy. I gave him a copy of my album. It's like the nice one we called it. A moment in time.

No, it was, it's still, no scar though, but the hair still grows back, so. Disgusting. Fucking amazing. Dramarco, I'm glad to see that I wasn't the only one who struggled through that story. It just feels like it's happening to you when it's being said, it's like the bars,

it's like the poles going through the dick, it's like there's just something about it that makes you, it's so visceral and intense, and also just I'm so sorry that that happened, Steph. That's so intense during a moment of arousal and it's quite tricky because during a moment of arousal when something like that happened, it can create like a kink. That's often how kinks are created of like of a trauma happening at the exact same time as sexual arousal. For him, he's going to open up a mole removal service. He only dates one with giant lumps and moles now.

Oh, he's like the tooth fairy, he's a little mole fairy. Did you check him to your pillow? Did he leave it in your mouth? He's a little mole man, yeah, he's a little mole man. It's just the moment of where you take a bite and then something comes off. It's that's the moment where you go, what the fuck, what is that in my mouth?

Yes. The turn on the lights, what is that? Did he spit or swallow? Do we know? Oh, shut up, that's gross. Well, I'm gonna be so gross. Look, he's like you, he didn't taste the blood either. He was hanging off, it was still there.

I'm sorry, John Marco, that was too far. Maybe men don't taste blood, because he was still wanting to go. And I was watching my Comforter because I just got a new one, it was all white, and there was like blood everywhere. Did he still want to have sex afterwards? Yes, he still wanting to go. And I was watching my Comforter because I just got a new one. It was all white and there was like blood everywhere. And I was like. Did he still want to have sex afterwards? Yes, he still wanted to go.

Crazy, crazy. He choked me on the way out. I'm like, it's time to go. You must leave. Your mole's on my, he's a mole on his teeth. I'm like, there's a little, oh, it's my mole. Please, please, please get out of my way. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. You didn't have to say that about between the teeth. All right, okay. we'll be right back. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Bad Gates. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards,

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she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad add free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Being an actual royal is never about finding your happy ending, but the worst part is, if they step out of line

or fall in love with the wrong person, it changes the course of history. I'm Aresha Skidmore-Williams. And I'm Brooke Sifrin. We've been telling the stories of the rich and famous on the hit-wondery show Even the Rich. And talking about the latest celebrity news on Rich and Daily, we're going all over the world on our new show, Even the Royals.

We'll be diving headfirst into the lives of the world's kings, queens, and all the wannabes in their orbit throughout history. Think succession meets the crown meets real life. We're going to pull back the gilded curtain and show how royal status might be bright and shiny, but it comes at the expense of, well, everything else. Like your freedom, your privacy, and sometimes even your head. Follow Even The Royals on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Even The Royals early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. All right, okay.

If anyone is still listening to this podcast after the amount of horror stories we have told, I'm about to take us to our number one. This story was told by my friend Mae Martin, who had a date with quite the woman who claimed that she was a squirter, but really she was just a urinator. So, yeah, I'm wearing a strap on. Immediately she starts faking an orgasm, and I have the same anatomy as her.

I know this is, you know, but I'm like, let it play out. Like this, like, you know, but genuinely, like no judgment. That's, you know. How long would we say it takes? Three minutes? It's just crazy. Like, yeah. So I'm like, okay, as the fake orgasm happens

with like the noises and everything, she pisses all over me. Like gallons of, like, it just is like coming out of, and so I start laughing really hard. And I, but I'm also a nice, and so I'm like, maybe this biac, so I'm like, don't worry about it. She's like- Wait, is she on top?

I'm on top. You're on top, she's pissing. Yeah, I'm on top, she just starts pissing, yeah. Like a, like the Trevi Fountain, like, how is she? It's sort of going all over me. Oh yeah, right, okay, gosh, she just starts pissing. Like the Trevi Fountain. Like how is she? It's sort of going all over me. Right, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And she says it's not piss. Right, and I'm like, okay, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

But I'm pretty, you know. Did it smell like piss? You know, the signs were there. Like it was. But again, I'm a sex positive person, but I'm in my head, I'm like, change your sheets. So, and it was just like the weirdness of the whole situation connected to the fake

cleaning up the orgasm, which I, and so, then anyway, at a certain point, I thought, I need to just go to bed and kind of end this experience. So, I go to bed, and I think I took a bunch of melatonin or something to sleep hard. And then I wake up eight hours later, slept so well, and I open my eyes, and I can see, I'm really groggy, and I can see that she's already fully dressed,

and she's getting ready to go. And she's been awake, and she's getting ready to go and she's been awake and she's like had a shower and she goes, Hey, I shouldn't have done this. I have a girlfriend. I got it. Yeah. And so I'm like, okay, that's another element of this. And she goes, I got to go.

But anyway, and so I'm like, okay, bye. And then, and then she leaves and then I immediately remember, oh my God, my sheets. I got to change my sheets. And then she leaves and then I immediately remember, oh my God, my sheets, I gotta change my sheets. And so I go to sit up and I find that I can't. And I'm like, what is happening? And I realize I've been tucked in tightly to the bed, like in a hotel, like around the whole bed

is tucked in and folded and I'm tucked in so tight, like all around the bed. So like this, and it's kind of claustrophobic. I peel back. Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. The duvet. There is a pile of poo in my bed. I know.

So this is the best day of my life. So it's not like a skid mark on my sheet. It's like it is the size of a small plate. It's like a pile. It's like three. It's not like a turd. It's like a pile of loose poop,

which I've been tucked into bed with. Like, I know. And so my mind is, May it was just squat. Yeah, okay, okay, yeah, yeah. That's also squirt. That's also true, yeah. Yeah.

So I start screaming and I run into my kitchen. All my roommates are my friends. They come running. I'm like, guys, you got to see this. And I'm like, so they come into my room and we're all screaming. And so I, but again, like my first thought is like, oh my God, she must be so embarrassed. She had an accident while I was asleep, like something.

But then like the more I think about it, the more I'm like, but she got up, she had a shower. She made no attempt to clean it up. She tucked me into it. Like, and she knew that she did it. Like the volume of poo was like, she would have known in the shower, she would have like, it's just so many quads so I'm like this is so fucked so I throw out all my sheets and the

garbage and everything and then I I'm like I'll never hear from her again I bet two hours later I get a text and the wording of it is so fascinating because she goes hey that was amazing. I want to do it again exactly the same way. So those were what? Yeah. No. Oh my God. I'm sorry, Steph. I know you want it to be number one.

No, you know what? It's pretty strong. You know what? Here's the thing. I'll say this. Us Canadians really have a gravity towards psychopaths. That is- Why is that?

I don't know. People like to fuck with Canadians. I truly believe this. That is a pile of poo. I had a friend once who pooed, I can nugget in a guy's bed, but she said she just kicked it off. And that was, you didn't notice.

A pile of kaka is, why, something's wrong with her. That girl needs to go to the doctor. She's very sick. He peed all over May and then did a poo in the bed and then just figured, you know what, I can quickly get out of here if I just tuck May in so tight

that the smell can't escape. And by the time may is able to Release themselves From that kind of stranglehold. It'll be too late. I'll be out the door insane insane wait I'm a little bit confused. Are you saying that when when a woman comes they don't poo? This also pisses me off. This is why men are convinced that women when they scored,

it's just piss, which is not. I'm not getting into that whole thing, but it's not. It's a little bit of piss. It's a whisper of piss. I scored. No, listen, I scored. It's not piss. I know what's going on there.

It's not BB. A little bit of manica in my life. It's not piss. Yeah. Trust me. Are you a squirt? I'm not a squirt, but I had a gynecologist on my podcast, and she said it's a little bit of piss. Then I'd love to talk to me. Are you a squirter? I'm not a squirter, but I had a gynecologist on my podcast and she said it's a little bit of piss.

Then I'd love to talk to her. Is she a squirter? Oh yeah, I don't know. I'll say I'll end the thing. You need to be a squirter to have this. Are you really drinking your squirt, Steph? Yes, I have tried my squirt. I have tried my squirt and I have tested it

by pissing before sex, squirting everywhere and then having the same amount of piss. So if there's piss in that, then I, if Squirt is pissed, I would be pissing right now to diaper. I'd be pissing every minute of every day. I love a piss connoisseur. I really do. I get so pissed off about Squirt.

Yeah, but this girl did genuinely just fully pee, like apple juice pee all the time. Yeah, she pee and she pooed. So something's very wrong with her. Yeah. Also, why wouldn't she try collecting the poo and taking it? Because she wanted to do it again the exact same.

That's strange. That's a kink. That's a toilet. I'm a squirter. Yeah. Big time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's it's it's a little p2 for sure. I'm a bedshitter. So we're all the whole community is here. Uh huh. That's I think the thing with Canadians maybe is that you go or they'll be polite about this situation. And Americans are going to go, do you fucking shit in the bed? Bro.

But a Canadian is going to be like, oh, at least you wrapped it. That night, the night of that show, I told a really gross story that I'll tell now for anyone who missed it, which is my favorite poo in the bed story that I'm going to be very, very brief about. But it is just like, it just gives me an endorphin rush as to how insane this is. So this couple, a young couple in college went to bed after a very big sort of getting wasted bender as alcohol and drugs all over the room.

They've had really fun wild sex and they're fast asleep. When they're sleeping, the guy does a fart in his sleep, but it wakes him up because it's very wet and he realizes he's shit the bed and he's panicking because this is college. So if anyone finds out he's shit the bed, everyone's going to find out that he's shit the bed and it's the beginning of college, so then everyone is going to know him as that for the rest of his life. It's a tattoo. It's nothing more than a tattoo. It's nothing less than a tattoo. So he starts panicking. He gets up, tries to get a towel. It's only making it worse. It's only smearing it further and like pushing it through to the mattress. So he tries to move the whole sheet just to take the whole sheet with him,

but he can't because she's starting to stir. She's starting to wake up and he cannot have her wake up and witness this moment. Otherwise, it's over for him. He's gonna have to move country and change his name. So then he has the most genius idea I have ever heard of, like evil is evil, but it's fucking genius. He picks the poo up in his hand, and then he smears it between her bum cheeks and then leaves a note saying, I don't think we should see each other again.

So she to this very day, lady, if you're out there, it wasn't you, you didn't do it. He shit the bed and he smid it between your arse cheeks. You were clean that night. She spent the rest of her life thinking she shit the bed, and that he had to leave because of it.

And then when they would pass each other in the college hallways, obviously he didn't tell anyone about it because it was his fucking fault. But she would look at him with like a thankful face of like, thank you for keeping my disgusting secret. She would be really, really nice to him. That son of a bitch. My, I hate men again.

I'm not happy anymore. I'm not loving you anymore. I hate men. You're breaking up with your new boyfriend. That's the worst thing I've ever heard my entire life. It's also the smartest thing you've ever had in your whole life, like he needs to be hired by NASA today, by MI5 today, that is some James Bond shit.

That's disgusting. John Marko, do you have anything to add to this? I'm a prison abolitionist by nature, but I do think maybe just for that guy think maybe, maybe just for that guy. Yeah, maybe just for that guy. I mean, you have a responsibility, like when you get older and you like understand that to reach back out, like in a full like by them, something.

That is that is so cruel. Because it's a trauma. It's such a huge trauma. I would know it wasn't my poo. Or because you tasted that as well. I taste my own poo. Every day I put it on play with breakfast. This is not me.

I pooed before. If I pooed before, how could I be pooing now? I wouldn't know my poo smell. I know my poo. No, come on. You wake up after like a fucking, like a druggy alcoholic bender, you don't know what alcohol fucking like a druggy alcoholic bender. You don't know what alcohol is going to do to your constitution.

It's there between your... The color, the texture? It's very... All right, Steph. Well, not all of us are as well self-investigated as you are. You fucking freak. Taking shots of your squirt at night. Jesus Christ.

That's pissed. That is pissed, yeah. And it's pissed. It is, yeah, that is... That to me remains like one of the most shocking stories I've ever heard of a bad date. But you know, as we've learned throughout this season, I have almost unequivocally sided with the villain in every single story. I respect bad behavior because I don't engage in it.

And as a part of me that's jealous, I'm going to be the midlife crisis nervous breakdown person who goes rago and just takes everyone down. You buy Maz the Miata and just start fucking everybody. Yeah, yeah. No, as we've learned throughout this podcast, I love a villain. I love a disgusting story. I have loved every story that we've had

from all of these fantastic comedians and all of our amazing audience members and their hysterical tales. I'm so happy to be finishing off this season with the two of you. You have both been some of the highlights of this show for me. And thank you for joining me today. And do you have any words of wisdom as we send these data back off into the wild before we sign off. I think maybe carry wet wipes. I'm feeling that might be a theme here.

Just keep them in your bag. Get them ready to go. Yeah, stuff in the bag. John Marco? I think similar to that note, don't buy sheets that are that expensive until you've settled down. If you're out and about these sheets, they're going to be disposed of sooner than later. I say linoleum. Linoleum until three months in.

Fuck it. Sure. Fuck it. Just the air mattress. I think that guy was the smartest of them all. Yeah. He said, look, this is getting shit, piss, cum, squirt, pee, all on it. So I'm going to wait to get that mattress. I end this with the quote that I started this with, which is, anything's a dildo if you're brave enough.

Good luck, kids. Before we go, can you tell me where everyone can find both of you and what you want us to watch, Steph? Just add Steph Tolev on my Instagram. That's it, follow me there, come see me live. Amazing. Andromarco. Just add Steph Tolleleva on my Instagram. That's it, follow me there, come see me live. Amazing, Andromarco. For me, listen to my podcast,

The Downside with Gianmarco Sarezi, and then I'm touring all over the country, just find me everywhere at Gianmarco Sarezi. Wait, my podcast, I forgot, add Steph Infection. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You like this? She drinks where I'm pissed and she eats where I'm poo, guys, go check it out. Ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you so much. Do you like this? She drinks her own piss and she eats her own poo, guys.

That's it. Check it out. Thank you guys so much. Bad Dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey.

Produced engineered and edited by Devon Torrey Bryant. Also engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Ann Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Cawson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it,

our number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We will see you next time for more... Hello Prime members, you can listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and ad-free with W Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com. His research promised groundbreaking treatments for HIV and cancer. Scientists, doctors, renowned experts were saying,

genius, genius, genius. People that knew him were convinced that he saved their life. But the brilliant doctor was hiding a secret. Do not cross this line that was being messaged to us. Do not cross this line. A secret the doctor was desperate to us. Do not cross this line. A secret the doctor was desperate to keep. This was a person who was willing to cold-heartedly just lie to people's faces. We're dealing with an international fugitive.

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