Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Contrast Of The Color Of Their Hole (w/ Joel Kim Booster, Megan Gailey, and Ian Karmel)

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

On a brand new episode of Bad Dates, guest host Marie Faustin welcomes comedians Joel Kim Booster, Megan Gailey, and Ian Karmel to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Joel haggles over the exchange rate, and the exchange doesn’t go great, Megan tries to drown her grief in hockey, but someone blows up her spot, and Ian…Oh, Ian, no, baby, no.If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it!Marie Faustin: @reeezy on social media, @whyare.yousingle on Insta for ticketsJoel Kim Booster: Psychosexual, Fire Island, Loot Season 2Megan Gailey: @bettermegangailey on Insta, catch her on tour!Ian Karmel: T-Shirt Swim Club, All Fantasy EverythingSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart. Less. Media. One time I showed up to an after like sex party at Puerto Vallarta. I show up at the gate. The cab driver lets me out. There is a crow in front of the gate that is injured. Clearly injured, broken wing, something along those lines.

The cab driver gets out of the cab because he's being nice enough to wait until I get inside, gets out of the cab, picks up the crow, breaks its neck to put it out of its misery and then throws it off to the side. And I said, you know what, actually, sir, can you take me home because I'm no longer horny. Hi guys. Okay well I was trying to, you know, start the pod, but okay, let me. Oh, you weren't the guys who were saying hi to? No, I said it to y'all already. I'm gonna say it again.

Okay, we're drunk. Yeah, or hi, whatever, you know. Hi, guys, and welcome to Bad Dates. If you don't know me, I'm Marie Faustin, and I'll be your guest host over the next few weeks. I also host the live show, Why Are You Single? And I'm here to talk to some of my favorite funny people about the all time worst things that have ever happened to them on a date. But you know what?

They lived through it and so will we. So let's talk to them. First we have Joe Kim Booster, comedian, writer, producer, actor, booked, booked, booked, booked, booked, okay? Joe. How many hours in a day do you have over there? I have plenty and plenty of time left over to sit on the couch and smoke a fucking joint and live my life too, if you believe it.

If you have good time management skills, it is possible. It is fully possible. I don't have good time management skills, you see? I didn't even manage introducing all the guests. We also have Megan Galey here, comic writer, actress, podcaster, been on The Tonight Show. Girl, you also booked, and you're a mom. Yeah, listening to Joel say he has time to do it all,

I was like, damn, kids really suck up a lot of time. But I also post bedtime, find time to smoke a joint outside in my garage. Oh, okay. How old is the baby? The baby's not smoking with you yet? That's crazy. No, he's not. He has asthma, so they told us to wait.

But- Edibles then. Edibles? Yeah, he's only vaping for now. He's going to be two. He's going to be two. And he is the product of a good hookup, non bad date. Oh, okay. Wait, hold on.

The third voice that you guys just heard is Ian Carmel, comic co head writer of late, late show with James Corden. And he has a new book, T-Shirt Swim Club, Stories from Being Fat in a World of Thin People. It's available for pre-order right now. Yeah, yeah, it comes out June 11th, you can get it. RIP The Late Late Show, which has been gone for an entire year.

Whoever's sending my credits, they need to really get with it. Yeah, you said their credit is late. The credit is late late, the proper credit with it. Yeah, you said their credit is late. The credit is late late. The proper credit is unemployed. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like people listening can relate to that. A lot of free time to sit on the couch and have a beta blocker and just sort of disassociate to nature documentaries. OK. Yeah. LA is feeling real Hunger Games right now, and the people with generational wealth

have all of the weapons. They do. So. Is that what's happening on the West Coast? Just like in the Hunger Games. Yes. Okay, but I feel like they dressed better in Hunger Games than you guys do in LA.

They probably do, actually. You guys love a Birkenstock. Totally fair. Yeah. I look forward to the day where I see a woman on Silver Lake Boulevard carrying archery, because I do think that is coming. I will say it is the biggest, this happens to me like at a show once a week, people will

be like, oh, how long are you in town? And I'm like, no, I live here. And I love it when people still think I live in New York, because it means I don't look like I live here. They do that with me here. Every time I go out and people be like, how long are you in town? And I'm like, I live here.

And they're like, you're not in LA. And I'm like, I live here. And I think that's cause you're hot, Marie, and Joel, you're dressed well. And so it's like you're taking the pieces from those places. And when people see me, they're like, how old is your baby? You look terrible.

Yeah, I get a lot of the water coolers around the back. Oh, they try to get you to use the service entrance? Yeah. Back gates. I'm Alice Labine. And I'm Matt Ford. and we're the presenters of British Scandal. And in our latest series, Hitler's Angel, we tell the story of scandalous beauty Diana Mosley, British aristocrat, Mitford sister and fascist sympathiser. Like so many great British stories, it starts at a lavish garden party.

Diana meets the dashing fascist Oswald Mosley. She's captivated by his politics but also by his very good looks. It's not a classic rom-com story but when she falls in love with Mosley she's on a collision course with her family, her friends and her whole country. There is some romance though. The couple tied the knot in a ceremony organised by a great, uncelebrated wedding planner, Adolf Hitler. So it's less Notting Hill, more Nuremberg. When Britain took on the Nazis, Diana had

to choose between love or betrayal. This is the story of Diana Mosley on her journey from glamorous socialite to political prisoner. Listen to British Scandal on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Have you ever felt like escaping to your own desert island? Well, that's exactly what Jane, Phil and their three kids did when they traded their English home for a tropical island they bought online. But paradise has its secrets and family life is about to take a terrifying turn. You don't fire at people in that area without some kind of consequence.

And he says, yes ma'am, he's dead. There's pure cold-blooded terror running through me. From Wondery, I'm Alice Levine, and this is The Price of Paradise. The real-life story of an island dream that ends in kidnap, corruption and murder. Follow The Price of Paradise wherever you get your podcasts, or binge the entire season right now on Wondery+. from One D plus. Joel, let's just let's get into your bad day. Less of a date, more of a hookup situation. That's like my life in my 20s and early 30s was just a revolving door of strangers. And some now like close friends, honestly, like I think like that is the

beautiful thing about a certain kind of gay guys. That is that like people complain about not being able to make friends in your 30s and it's just like, fuck around, you know, go be a hoe. What you waiting for? Or circle back to the people you've already fucked and make them friends. Yeah, no, truly. Repurpose.

Yes, repurpose. Refurbished. We are, we are consumers as a country and we need to learn how to get a little bit. Okay, okay, sustainability. So it was Thanksgiving weekend. I was in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, which is a big gay weekend in Puerto Vallarta.

And Puerto Vallarta is already like, it is a gay amusement park. Like I always tell people I love Puerto Vallarta. It's where I met my partner. But it is not like culturally interesting. If you want culture, go to Mexico City or Zipolite or whatever. If you want trash, like as though you're on a cruise ship,

go to Puerto Vallarta, you will have so much fun. It's Vicky Gumbelson's favorite place. Right, you will not be enriched by the experience, but you will have a ton of fun. Okay. And so like, and of course, like going on Thanksgiving Day weekend, you know you're like with some of the most damaged

gay people you'll ever meet because they're not home. They're not home. Like why aren't you with your family? It's because the relationship is not there and you know there's some dark feelings there. And so of course everyone there is a fucking freak. Or Canadian, or Canadian. Or Canadian.

Or Canadian. There were a lot of Canadians. There were a lot of Canadians, you're right. It was that weekend I was there, it was like four in the morning, I'm on Grindr, I'm home from a party, ready to release. And I meet this guy and we're going back and forth, finally he invites me over to his hotel, so I go over there.

And the thing about Puerto Vallarta is they know the gays and they know our tricks and they will not at most hotels, let any visitors up after a certain time. Because they don't want sex parties, they don't want after parties, they don't want, like, you know, riff raff drifting around. So... Riff raff.

I arrive at the hotel, it's late, I know it's gonna be sort of a problem. I arrive, there's a guy waiting for his Uber sitting in the lobby. And I'm like talking to this guy at the desk, he will not let me up, he's a guy waiting for his Uber sitting in the lobby and I'm like talking to this guy at the desk, he will not let me up. He's like translating via phone, like we're just both using Google Translate to communicate

and I like pull out like 200 peso and I'm like, how about this, like will you let me up now? And he literally types into Google Translate, you are embarrassing yourself. And I will say, that has worked, it's crazy to me that he had so much loyalty to the hotel. Yeah. Or is it 200 pesos also, like $20?

Yeah, can we get a... Right, I was like, I was like offering him more money. I offered him like 800 pesos at one point, and I was like, why do you care about your job this much? Like, there's just, I don't understand. Maybe the cartels own the hotel. Yeah, maybe. But I like at one point made up this lie

that like my phone was up there, I'd been there earlier. And like the guy in the lobby who was waiting for his Uber, he spoke Spanish and so he was helping me translate because Google was not cutting it at a certain point. And we were like going back and forth and then it became very clear that it just was not gonna happen, this guy was not gonna let me up. I know what you mean.

Not an ally, not an ally. Homophobic, homophobic. Yeah, not an ally. In fact, I think it wasn't loyalty to the hotel or care for his job. I think it was like, he was like, this gay guy wants to go fuck and I wanna put a stop to it.

Yeah, he really cock blocked you. Yeah, he was like, this gay guy wants to go fuck and I want to put a stop to it. Yeah. He really cop blocked you. Yeah, he really did. So I go, I step outside. Also 200 pesos is $12. Just $12 sure. But like I'm not doing the conversion rate at 430. Okay.

It's the cash that I had on here. It sounds like a lot. And you start low and you go high. Like if I were a hotel attendant at 4 high. You start at a real low game. If I were a hotel attendant at 4.30 in the morning at a place like Puerto Vallarta, I would have taken 12 bucks. I would let somebody with a chainsaw

and plastic bags up for 200 pesos. If you're working 4.30 a.m. at a hotel, like what do you care? Not Dexter. I don't understand loyalty to your bosses at the hotel. Exactly. Okay, so I step outside, the guy who is waiting for his Uber also steps outside,

his Uber's getting close, and Uber's at this point in the night in Port of Ireland, it'd take like 20 minutes to get there. So we're chatting, I invite him to a party that I know of the next day, and then I sort of look at him and I'm like, wait a minute. You'll do.

I was like, that'll do, pig. That'll do. And I literally was like, it was funny. Like we exchanged numbers, his Uber comes, he gets in his Uber and I'm waiting for mine. And then I like text him the info for the party. And then I was like, yeah, I hope to see you there. Like, thanks for helping me out.

He's like, yeah, sorry, it didn't work out. And I was like, yeah, I was like, I wish you had stayed around. I like sort of like putting the feelers out there. And then I immediately get a picture of his dick back. So he's, and the thing is, is I appreciated that because it's 4.30 in the morning at this time. We don't have time.

We do not have time. Just get to the point. So I'm like, he's like, come over and I'm like, great. So on the way over, I'm explaining to him, like, you know, there's some sexual logistics you have to work out as a gay man. And I was like, listen, I'm not bottoming tonight. Like I'm only topping. And he was like, listen, I'm not bottoming tonight. Like I'm only topping.

And he was like, I'm a top as well. And I was like, well, okay, like we don't have to do penetration. There's a lot of other stuff to do. Beggars can't be choosers at 5 a.m. You know, like you get what you get and you're happy with it. And you don't get upset.

So I arrive, we start hooking up, it's hot, whatever. And of course, like they sometimes do, he tries to stick it in, like upwards of three times. And I sort of bat him away. And after the third time, I was like, no, you don't understand. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm not ready.

There are people who are like, I know my body, I know when I can and can't. And it's like, I know what I don't know, okay? And I'm not willing can and can't. And it's like, I know what I don't know, okay? And I'm not willing to chance that tonight. And I said basically that, I was like, I'm not prepped for this. And he said, that's okay, I like it.

Oh. And I was like, okay, well, I don't. Part of the reason I prepare my body for anal sex is for me too. I don don't enjoy, you know, that aspect of it. So that happens, whatever, after the third time, I'm fed up with it, I start jerking him off furiously. And he's like, oh, I'm close, I don't wanna come yet though,

I don't wanna come yet. And I was like, well, I want you, like this needs to end. Right, it's babe, your time is up. I gotta go home, I gotta sleep. So like, I gave him, he came against his will. And at this point, at this point, we're lying in bed. Again, it's like taking 20 minutes for my Uber to arrive. And I'm like, okay, I got 20 minutes with this guy.

I'm a journalist. I asked him, I was like, so how long have you been into scat? Like, when did you realize you were into scat? And he was like, oh, I'm not into scat. And I was like, oh, okay. He was like, yeah, no, I just like, I like the taste and the smell sometimes.

What it, can I ask what scat is? I'm so sorry. Scat is shit. It's like with people who enjoy shit in a sexual setting. Wow, it's not like a bop-a-dee-doo, da-ba-da-ba-da. Yeah. I'm getting close. Yeah. Make, I'm getting close. Yeah. Make it up crying.

I'm crying. You watch the Jungle Book a lot, man. No, it's nothing, it's nothing. No, that's jazz. That's. No, yeah, I mean, it is a bit like jazz. Yeah, you like it or you don't, you know? Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. But no, and he was like, no, I just like the taste and the smell. And I was like, OK, how is that not being in Tuscac? The taste and the smell. I was like, I'm not going to push you on this. And then he reveals to me, this is a person of color, by the way, I will say, I'm not going to pinpoint the race.

I will say he was a darker shade of brown, like clearly a person of color. Obviously I am clearly a person of color. And he looks me dead in the eyes and he says, wow, he's like, you're so sexy. And you know the crazy thing is, I wasn't even attracted to Asian guys until recently, until last September.

He said, he specifically said, I wasn't even attracted to Asian guys until last September. And I was like... He said that out loud? Yeah, he told me that out loud and I was like, what? I was like, first of all, to be so specific, to know the moment. Yeah.

I don't know who it was, but I was like, internally, I was like, well, thank God we really got a winner on our show. Like, I'm so glad someone converted you and that I get to have this experience now. This is so gratifying. He was like, I knew it was the fall because the leaves were changing colors. And when the leaves change colors, so did I.

Last September, it was so crazy. And I was like, okay, whatever. And then he proceeds to say, yeah, and I don't want to sound too racist, which when someone says that, buckle up, you are about to hear the most racist shit you have ever heard. Yeah. He says to me, yeah, I used to really be into black guys, but not anymore. And I was like, what I was like, did you, did, do you only have room

for a certain number of races? And it was sort of like first in, last out. Like you added Asian people to the repertoire and suddenly you had to remove black people. Remember those pens that you can change the color, you had to flick it down. He only has room for one color. He's like, oh, I used to be black, now it's Asian.

He saw Rush Hour and it really changed things for him. He was like, that's it. I'm fucking Barbara Walters in this moment and I am horrified obviously, but I was like, okay, go on. Cause I have some time left for the Uber. And at this point, I know this is a story I will be telling on a podcast. So I'm like, I need to find the end to this.

And he was like, yeah, it's just, you know, like I really love looking at the contrast of the color of a guy's hole. And with black guys, you can't really see the contrast of the color of their hole. And so like, because I like to see the contrast of the color of the guy's hole, I only really like lighter skin people

so I can see the contrast of the color of the hole. And I was like, please stop saying, he literally kept saying contrast of the color of their whole over and over again. And I was like, stop saying that. That's the name of the episode. In this, you know, modern world, there's new ways to be racist. It's just like, yeah, no, I'm not racist. I just need the butthole to look a certain way against the butt cheeks.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. And I also have to say, as somebody who has been back there and examined many a black hole, it is perfectly possible to see the contrast of a black man's hole, I will say. It really is like, it is a snowflake situation. Everyone is different.

Everyone's different. Like, you know, like anyone can have a lighter color hole. Yeah. Even the darkest of our African-American brethren. Like, it is like, it didn't even make logical sense to me. And again, like it was horrific because like, I should have actually saved it for the end to tell you guys that he was also a person of color.

I should have like, because telling this story, this absolutely sounds like something a white person would say. Yeah, it sounds like a Republican congressman. No, absolutely. Yes, yes. Yes. Yeah. Yes, Lindsey Graham.

You fucked Lindsey Graham in Port of Vallarta. And this is what he said. I think it is that thing where I think he was like, you're a person of color. I'm a person of color. I can tell you this fucked up shit. You're a safe haven for this. And I'm really disturbed that I apparently give off the vibe

that you can just say that to me, and I won't flee the scene. And at that point, I still had, like, 13 minutes left before my Uber came, but I was like, I have to go, he's here, he's here, I have to go. Is this the same guy you met in the lobby? Yes, this is the same guy I met in the lobby. Oh, he said, this is my type.

He saw you try to give that man $12. Yeah. Yeah. -♪. Yeah. Bad dates. Hi, I'm Anna. And I'm Emily. And we're the hosts of Terribly Famous, the show that takes you inside the lives of our biggest celebrities.

And we are really excited about our latest season because we are talking about someone very, very special. You're so sweet. A fashion icon. Well, actually, just put this on. A beautiful woman. Your words, not mine. Someone who came out of Croydon and took the world by storm.

Okay, Anna, don't tell them where I live. A muse, a mother, and a supermodel who defined the 90s. I don't remember doing the last one. Wow, Emily, not you. Obviously, I mean Kate Moss. Oh I always get us confused. Because you're both so small. How dare you. We are going to dive back into Kate's 90s heyday and her insatiable desire to say yes to absolutely everything life has to offer. The parties, the Hollywood heartthrobs, the rock star bad boys. Have I said parties?

You did mention the parties but saying yes to excess comes at a price, as Kate spirals out of control and risks losing everything she's worked for. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts, or listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peterua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we're exploring the life of Cleopatra.

An iconic life full of romances, sieges and tragedy. But who was the real Cleopatra? It feels like her story has been told by others with their own agenda for centuries. But her legacy is enduring. And so we're going to dive into how her story has evolved all the way up to today. I am so excited to talk about Cleopatra, Peter. Love Cleopatra.

She is an icon. She's the most famous woman in antiquity. It's got to be up there with the most famous woman of all time. But I think there's a huge gap between how familiar people are with the idea of her compared to what they actually know about her life and character. So for Pyramids, Cleopatra and Cleopatra's Nose. Follow Legacy Now wherever you get your podcasts. Or you can binge entire seasons early and ad free on Wandery Plus.

All right, Megan, what's your bad date? What happened to you, sis? Let's talk. Okay, so this is a story from my days in Chicago. And Joel is nodding. Yeah, in Chicago, I was, you could describe me as a fun, drunk slut. And now I'm a retired slut,

but I still, you know, I can still go down memory lane for sure. So I had spent like six days bedside with my grandmother while she was at the end of her life. So I had been out of town with my grandmother while she was in hospice. And so I had sort of forgotten that I had a date on the books. And so I came back.

My grandmother did not want to die in front of my mom and me, we realized, because right when we left, she died. So she wanted to pass. We got to say goodbye. It was lovely. And then I was like, I don't want to meet you so horny. She was so wet. Yeah, weird. So Joel's Uber driver was there. He broke her neck and then we were fine. So, okay. Well, I was in a workout class when she died, which is what she would have wanted truly, because she always was commenting on my excessive pounds. And then I got like a text that was like, you know, Nani has passed. And then I got a text also that was like, you still good for tonight. And my grandmother did want me to find love.

And my parents had set me up on this date. And we were going to, it was like a friend of a friend they knew, and he was hot. And we had gotten- We're back in, we're back in. Yeah, so he was hot and we had gotten free Blackhawks tickets, which is the Blackhawks.

That is what they're still called. I don't know why, but that is- Yeah, how have they escaped scrutiny? That's crazy. I guess it's because no one cares about hockey. Hockey's too far gone. Oh, I didn't know what sport that was. And I also think Chicago's like,

what, what are you gonna do? So this was during the Blackhawks, they won three Stanley Cups in five years. These were like hot tickets, you know, like you wanted to go. So I was like, my grandmother would want me to go out with this hot man to this sporting event that we have free tickets to.

I know that in my heart. And my parents co-signed. They were like, you absolutely have to go. So I go. She put it in her will for sure. Yeah. And I was like wearing one of her bracelets. So we went to a bar beforehand where you like drink

and then they take you by bus to the sporting event, like to the United Center. So we go there. This guy is hot. He's like tall, hot. My parents like him. He made like good money. Like it was just like, this is the stars are aligning

and I'm gonna go on like the best first date the day my grandmother died. And it's truly God closing a door opening a window and a window is my vagina. So we go to the game. He has no idea that my grandmother has passed away because I'm not going to like bring it up. And you know, it just that felt like a buzzkill and I needed this to be like magical fairy

tale. So we go to the game. We're having a great time. The organs playing like hockey games in person are really, really fun. And I got up to go to the bathroom at one point and I come back and his face is just like crestfallen, like he looks devastated and he turns. Oh no, she pees. She goes pee pee.

My one thing he turns to me and he's like, you didn't have to come. And I was like what and he goes our mutual friend had texted him while I was in the bathroom And then like what are you doing tonight? And he was like i'm at a black hawks game with megan And the friend was like why her grandmother died like four hours ago Oh fucking narc what a fucking narcC. So he is like immediately like, I am so sorry you could have canceled. Like, how are you? I was extremely, extremely close with my grandmother.

At one point, like we shared a bedroom, like we were close. And so then all the conversation shifts to grief. And so then all the conversation shifts to grief. And so the only way for me to counteract that is to get blackout drunk. So I proceed to get so drunk. I do not remember taking the bus back to the bar, but apparently my bracelet, my grandmother's bracelet fell off at some point.

And so I am crying, screaming beside myself, blacked out, crawling on the floor. But I'm like making friends, you know, like I'm telling everyone I'm like, well, this man is just like standing there. So we do find the bracelet. All of this is relayed to me afterwards. We find the bracelet. All of this is related to me afterwards. We find the bracelet. Eventually the bar has decided that I am too drunk to be there. And to be thrown out of a Blackhawks bar in Chicago is almost impossible. Like Chicago has bars

open 24 hours a day. You can go to 6 a.m. bars there. Their whole thing is we want you to get as drunk as possible. And they saw me and they said, she needs to go. And so I woke up unaware of any of this. I woke up in his bed the next day, fully clothed, and he had slept on the couch. What a good guy. I know.

And then we did proceed to date for six months. A twist. And then, and so it, yeah, I really was like, this is gonna happen. And then he did eventually break up with me because he said my sparkle wore off. And I'm like, our first date, I blacked out and got thrown out of a bar.

So I don't know what sparkle that was, but I guess it's gone. This feels like everything, everywhere all at once. You guys are, he's like you in a different universe. In another life, I would have loved getting blackout drunk and searching for a bracelet on the floor with you. If only you didn't lose your sparkle. But that was after I had been on like a two week trip

to New York where I did make out with a Puerto Rican man who was wearing head to toe Tweety bird paraphernalia. So in his defense, I lost my sparkle. You gave it to Tweety. Tweety now has your sparkle. Wow. You found a putty tat, you lost your sparkle. Oh my God.

Oh my God, that could be so many people we know. It is, it is. It is absolutely someone we know. I think I know. Oh my God, I'm crying. We'll be right back. Bad dates. Looking for inspiration? Craving something new?

When you visit Audible, there are endless ways to ignite your imagination. With over 750,000 titles including best sellers, there's a listen for every type of listener. Discover all the best in audiobooks, podcasts, and originals featuring authentic Canadian voices and celebrity talent like Brendan Fraser and Luke Kirby's latest sci-fi adventure, The Downloaded. A first listen is waiting for you when you start your free trial at audible.ca. Hello I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm Elna Baker and we have a new podcast that's called Pretty Sure I Can Fly. Yep. We've teamed up with my friends and bar mates from SmartList to create a podcast where we talk to folks who have more balls in a bowling alley.

People who accomplish something extraordinary despite people telling them that it couldn't or shouldn't be done. You'll hear stories about the Air Force doctor who buckled into a 600 mile per hour rocket sled and became the fastest man on the planet. And a man who wrestles alligators and sharks for fun. Do not do this. You'll hear about a foul mouth moonshiner. Got a two inch dick and a six inch tongue and knows how to use both of them.

And an even more foul mouth female stunt pilot. We got bull riders. Balloonists. Bop sledders. And big wave surfers. People who lay their balls on an anvil and hand the other fellow the hammer. And last but certainly not least, you've got one seriously bad date to tell us about. Let's hear it. I have come a long, long, long, long, long, long, long way.

I too was a fun drunk slut for quite a long time. Okay. I, so I was a fat kid growing up. I, you know, like, and I remained fat and just progressively got fatter, kind of up until when I turned 35. And that kind of has a warping effect on you, not to get too serious, but it really does a number on your psyche.

I didn't really date at all in, I had one girlfriend in high school, I didn't really date in college. I didn't even really date until I started doing stand-up comedy and I kind of found some self-confidence in that, yeah, and I also thought, oh, now people see something of value in me, just because I could have never found

anything of value in myself. So that insecurity stayed with me through, even once I was like a comedian and a successful writer and all that, but after a couple of drinks, I would become the person that I thought other people saw in me. So in this particular, and I would become confident,

I would feel charming, I would feel like I could hook up with people. So this is not so much a date story as it is also a hookup story. And I was on tour with my podcast at the time. And we were- An aphrodisiac for most women. They love it.

And we were on tour, again, in Washington, D.C. And my friend who I do the podcast with, David, he had a couple of friends who live in Washington, DC. They were these two women, one of whom he grew up with, and they were very smart. They worked at a museum there. They worked at one of the Smithsonian Institutes, and they were getting their doctorates in museum.

I don't know, they were getting their doctorates in whatever the museum. So they were hanging out with us in the green room before the show, and we just got got at every one of these tour stops, like everything we knew about touring and like green rooms, we had learned from like motley crew documentaries, you know, like that's all we knew. So we were drinking like tequila and whiskey

and crushing beers. And then we would go up on the stage and the crowd who wanted to see us get as drunk as possible were like cheering us on, you know, like getting more drunk. And the show went great. And by the time the show was over, these two women were still there.

And I should go back and say, I had started talking to one of them in the green room, like before the show. And it was like going great. Like when you're on the road, we were on the road for like two weeks and you never know what's gonna happen. You know, I had traditionally had like a ton of success with women,

but I was really hitting it off with this girl. Things were like, oh, you know, she's so interesting and fun and I can tell she's finding me charming and funny. You know, and she was like- How could you tell she was like touching your leg when she laughed, she was like, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She was doing like little, you know,

just like very engaged and eye contact and all that stuff. Eye contact is hard. Hard to do eye contact. It's very hard. You're so lucky because funny does not work in my community. Like funny doesn't work. It doesn't pass? No, it's not something that most guys, because every gay guy thinks they're the funniest person in the room.

It is actually, it's like, it totally nullifies any totally nullifies any, like very few people I think in my community will be like, I'm not attracted to this person and then like hear how funny they are and be like, actually, a horse with a different color. I made the right choice because that's the only thing that works for me. That's it. It doesn't work for straight women either.

Straight women being funny, a man is like, ew, shut up. I don't know, people like, I don't know, I feel like people generally like me, so I feel like it works for me. Yeah, Marie, look in the fucking mirror. Yeah, Marie. I'm like, I don't know, girl,

they be laughing real hard over here. Yeah. Uh-huh. If funny didn't work for straight men, my dick would be in mint condition, in the box, untouched. Like never. Still have the new dick smell.

Yeah, exactly. But this girl, you know, she was like, I'm a smart, and I'm into that. Like I'm not actually smart, but you know, she was actually smart. So she was like saying all this stuff, like, oh, I'm working on like Mesopotamia during the Bronze Age. You know, and I was like, right, right.

I know about that. And like, it was lightening me up inside. She put a lantern in my pumpkin, you know, I was excited. We went and did the show, the show went well. After the show, they're still there. So like the fact that it was a podcast didn't turn them off and we did like this hour long meet and greet with our, you know, crazy drunk fans

and they were still there after that. And I was like, holy shit, okay, let's hit the town. So like Megan said, we hit the town and DC is a fucking crazy party city. People there like drink hard and get after it. And these girls were like kind of keeping up with us. And like, you know, this connection with a girl I had, it was like growing and growing and growing.

And then at around midnight, you know, and again, I'm getting drunker and drunker and drunker. And at about midnight, the two girls and again, I'm getting drunker and drunker and drunker. And at about midnight, the two girls, they decide to call it a night and they're gonna go, they're gonna head back to their place. And my phone died, I was a mess. We woke up at around 11 and went to breakfast at the hotel we were staying at.

And I plugged my phone into the wall. And when my phone finally turned back on, the screen lit up because there was a text message from the girl who I'd been hitting it off with from the night before. Right. And I will read that text message to you right now. You still have it? I'm crying. I still have it. I still have it. The cloud, baby. It saves everything. It's in a frame. Oh, the internet's forever. It's in a frame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The text message says, hey, Ian, it was so great meeting you last night.

It was really wonderful getting to know you. I don't know what you're doing right now, but I bet it's something smart like reading a book. You seem like the kind of person who likes to read books, which is too bad because I wish we were having sex right now. In fact, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be having sex with.

I hope I get to see you again soon. Bye. Oh! And I read that, yes! That is a motherfucking text. Out there! Put yourself out there! And I read it to myself and I was like, well.

And I immediately, I felt amazing about myself. I was like, it's almost the best case scenario because I got to keep getting drunk and still got the feeling. That'll keep you going for weeks and months, I think, really. I'm applauding her. That's so bold and so bad ass. Right?

And I read it to myself. I was at breakfast with my friends and I was like, I have to share this joy. And I read it to them and we started like celebrating. We like ordered champagne at breakfast. We were like going off, shaking each other's hands. It was amazing. Not champagne and breakfast.

At breakfast, oh yeah, like not even mimosas, just for like full champagne. We had to celebrate. She texted me like at around, like after midnight. And it was now noon. So she'd been left on read on a sext for 12 hours. No. And I was like, oh.

I have to text her back immediately. Cause she put herself out there. She works, she's like kind of a nerd. Like I don't think she really texts like that. So, so I sent her a text back, 12 hours left on read. She's like kind of a nerd. Like I don't think she really texts like that. So I sent her a text back, 12 hours left on Rad. I said, hey, it was so great meeting you last night. I would love to have sex with you too.

You're so smart and cool. I bet you'd be quoting facts about Mesopotamia the whole time we were having sex. And that would be rad. I hope I see you again soon. Send. You know, I tried to make it reciprocate the feelings, but keep it like kind of fun.

You know, just like keep it breezy. We're not gonna hook up. I'm leaving town. We like it, Ian. We like it. Right? Yeah. You know, I'm doing my best.

You've mashed the energy. And I'm thinking I'm gonna get a text back at some point saying, ha ha ha, we were so hammered last night, something like that, but nothing. She leaves me on read. I get nothing back from her. And so I'm like, okay, what's going me on read, I get nothing back from her. And so I'm like, okay, what's going on here?

I'm gonna send her another text message because I think she's probably feeling really shy and sheepish about last night. She probably doesn't do that, I wanna let her know it's okay. So I send her another text, I said, hey, I hope you don't feel weird. I know sometimes we do silly things when we drink,

but I was totally feeling the same way last night. Smiley face and colon parentheses smiley face, like the old school one, send. Uh-huh. Classy. And I'm like, all right. Letting her off the hook, saying like, oh, that was crazy.

You know, like now she can finally like acknowledge it. And like three more hours go by and she still hasn't texted me back. And now like, like my feelings are kind of getting hurt. Like I'm like, I thought I really had a connection with this girl last night. Like, you know, like it was really nice. Even if you didn't look at her.

You left her on read for like 12 hours. Right. And this is what I acknowledge in the very next text I send to her. Oh wow. A third. A third. A third. A third in a row. Oh, eerie.

A third in a row. I say, oh, ha ha, I get it. I left you on read for 12 hours. Now you're leaving me on read for 12 hours. Honestly, I respect it. Winky face. Oh, oh. Send.

Yikes. And this time it doesn't take long for me to get a reply. My phone lights up like two minutes later and she texts me and this is what her text message said. Hey Ian, you sent yourself that text from my phone last night as a joke. You said it would be the funniest way for us to exchange numbers and I kept telling you you were too drunk to remember. And all you said was, no, no, I'll remember. Let me be completely clear.

I'm not interested in you romantically or otherwise. Ah! Oh no! Ian, I'm screaming. I, oh my God. I don't even know what otherwise means. You left yourself on red. You left yourself on red.

And you got champagne to celebrate your own text to yourself. Exactly. And you had, and you sent those three humiliating follow-up texts. You had a full conversation with yourself. She was waiting. Then you sent a winky face emoji.

A winky face! I thought I was so smooth with it. I really thought I was smooth. I was like, this'll get her. I got a reminder, I'm funny. She should have said immediately, but she left you out to dry. Yeah.

I applaud her again. I applaud her when I thought that was her, and I applaud the game she played bad dates, oh My god guys these stories have all been so good. I I think that I'm gonna take all of these with me for the rest of the week Don't carry that load girl We've all found love and so yeah, like literally in a hopeless place And so that's sort of like... Literally in a hopeless place.

Wow. We're happy in here. We took our broken selves. I just want to thank you guys all for being here and give you a chance to let people know where they can catch you. We're going to start with Joel and then just work our way around.

Yeah, I mean, you can check out my Netflix special on Psychosexual. It's available now. Fire Island is on Hulu. And then Loot Season 2 just premiered on Apple TV+. Woo! Shaka laka. OK, Ian, where can people find you?

Texting yourself. They can find me texting myself in a dark corner of an abandoned chicken restaurant, which is where that happened. They sold booze, though, so that's why we were there. You can pre-order my book now, T-Shirt Swim Club. It's 13 essays about being fat, growing up fat, being a fat adult, losing weight,

making peace with that, finding your identity again. I wrote 13 essays and then my little sister, who is a doctor of psychology, who is also fat, came in after every chapter and responds to the comedic essay, the memoir part of it. That's such a great idea. Yeah, like here's what you were going through in that time. Here's what people who were in this phase of their life

are going through. So a little bit of sugar with your medicine, you know? T-shirt swim club. That's the kind of way we're looking at it. Yeah. T-shirt swim club. I can't wait to see the merch for that. That's awesome. And ironically, my podcast is going on tour

on the Eastern seaboard again in June. So we'll be at the same venue in DC. Wow, I hope she's there. And Meg, obviously, to let us know where we can find you, tell us everything. Oh, boy, I'm going on the road a lot, which is not fun to do when you are a mother. So please come to shows.

That will make it much more fun for me. I'm going to be in New Orleans, probably maybe revisiting my fun drunk era without the slut part. I'll be there Mother's Day weekend, the 10th and the 11th, so you can bring your mom out. We'll be talking about mom stuff. And then you can just follow me

at BetterMeganGaylee on Instagram and I'm posting the rest of the dates there, but it's New York, Philly, Boston. Yes. I think like Connecticut, some places. Oh. Oh my God, I love it. I needed this today.

Thank you guys all so much for being here. And as always, thank you for listening to Bad Dates. I hope you have a great day. Bye. That was so fun. Bad Dates is produced by Smartness Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Stuart Bailey. Produced by Anne Harris and Devin Torrey Bryant.

Engineered and edited by Devin Torrey Bryant and Kyle McGraw. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Sean Hayes, and Jason Bateman. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Corson and Bernie Kaminsky. Music by Kushy and Eben Schleder. If you've had a Bad Date, please share it with us at 984-265-3283

or write us at baddatespod at gmail.com. We would love to hear all about it. That's all for this week. We'll be back next week for more. Bad Dates. Smart. Less. Media. Hello, Prime members. You can listen to Bad Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music.

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