Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - The Fart That Broke My Heart (w/ Jack Whitehall, Katherine Ryan, and Hanna Dickinson)

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Jack Whitehall (Travels With My Father, Fresh Meat), Katherine Ryan (8 Out Of 10 Cats, The Duchess), and Hanna Dickinson (Get Money, Tales From The Trip) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Jack bottles it up over a broken bottle, Katherine explains why sometimes you SHOULD go home again, and Hanna’s date offers her an unexpected injection. Plus, Jameela shares a listener letter about the worst kind of fashion accessory.Jack Whitehall appears in the new season of The Afterparty on Apple TV+. Katherine Ryan’s podcast is called Telling Everybody Everything, and her new special Missus is available on Sky. Hanna Dickinson hosts the new podcast Ha Ha Land, and tickets for her upcoming shows can be found at hannadickinson.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime Members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. I mean, Jack, you were dating people while still living with your parents for a chunk of time. What do you do? Yeah, I always just say, my analogy to having sex while I was living in my parents' house was that it was always like arriving later to the theatre and trying to find your seat. It was a little shuffling, a bit of shushing, a pause, and then from somewhere in the darkness, just a whispered, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But she was, it was just so unromantic.

There's a Canadian comedian, Tom State, who has a joke about that having sex with your spouse when you have small children, and then it sounds very dark, like some type of hostage situation where he's like shhh, if you wake them up I'll fucking kill you. I remember that bit. Yeah.

Oh Jesus Christ, Catherine, Ryan, Jack, Whitehall, and Hannah Dickinson, welcome to Bad Dates. Hello. Hello. You're having us. That's always the worst bit. It's like always say hello to everyone at the same time. And no one wants to be that come that jumps in first, but I'm very, very, very, very, very, very happy. I, Hannah, you and I, are not super familiar with each other, but Jack and Catherine, I've known you pretty much our whole careers. I just kind of want to first get into, before we get into your stories, what each of you feel about the world of dating. Catherine, I'm gonna start with you. How did you enjoy dating?

Did you enjoy it? Because I feel like you must be an amazing day. One of my great life regrets is never having dated you, because I feel like you'd be so fun. What am I like to date? Probably terrible, because I used to date these massive losers who would feel badly about themselves because they were with me and I was such an angel. I really think I'm perfect.

I'm really easy to get along with. I pay for everything. I don't like to fight. I communicate very clearly. I articulate myself for a living. I usually like to have sex with anyone who's emptying the dishwasher. I'm a really fun person to date, but they didn't have fun with me because I didn't like them taking drugs or cheating on me or lying or doing it. All that scoundrel behavior. But I don't differ. I don't differ. Yeah.

So I don't date strangers. That's the only thing. So I'm captivated by this American culture of dating, I think it's cool. The dishwasher thing is real. James, the other day, we were just finishing a boholiday and I was in the pool and so that I could stay in the pool longer.

He packed all of my stuff up, packed my bags. And he was in there doing that. And I was like, that is the sourciest thing I have ever seen. I have never felt such like a physical wave of like, oh my God, he is flirting with me so hard right now. Why is that so attractive? I find that very attractive. Anyone that can load a dishwasher

or pack a bag really efficiently, like seeing someone that's capable because I'm incapable of doing that. And watching someone like tetrisize a dishwasher, I think is like, I'm stood there in awe. Rock card. Yeah, I was bad to say, the someone that's amazing at it is my mother, but that's a rather

Freudian thing to bring into this podcast at this juncture. But I think it's definitely something that attracted my moment to each other. I was going to say that, Jack, that I've met your mother, and I feel that Hillary Whitehall is one of the women that I most admire. Her choice of power suit alone. Yes. I mean, Jack, I got to fall in love with your mother around the same time that I became friends with you

because she was just so heavily involved in your life that it was like for friends with Jack, your friends with Hillary. Jack, when we were first hanging out, because we just kept on going out for dinner all the time, which when you're 22, I was like 23, you were 22. It was confusing. I was like, are these dates?

I don't think they're dates. And it was confirmed not to be a date when you started farting in my handbag regularly. And then it became... It became... Yeah, I think... Well hang on, I think these were dates that circle back to the dinners.

So, feel like... That's what I was gonna say. I hate that. That's the worst. What do you mean? I just feel like everyone I dated have dated, I hate that. That's the worst. What do you mean? I just feel like everyone I dated have dated, I found out they weren't dates like eight dates in. They're like, no, we're just going to dinner

and having sex. This isn't a date. I don't think either of us knew what was going on. We were also such uniques at that age. Don't you agree, Jack? Neither of us knew, and also we were so grateful to me, a friend, because we were both so weird that I think we both found this industry quite alienating and so I think we just wanted to hang out all the time.

But I think for other people around us it was probably more confusing than for us. We just fart farting at each other. The farting is significant. It was significant. It would be eating, it was always, like, some sort of a form of an itsy restaurant, which is like a sort of a sushi restaurant in Britain. But he just suddenly completely seriously

with no sense of irony. But like, get up, get up, get up immediately, get up immediately, and go and stand in the corner, go and stand in the corner right now. And it's because he just farted. And I was always like, why do I have to leave? Surely you? The perpetrators should do that. I should definitely, that was, but I think I then changed my habits and realized that that was possibly quite a deterrent to not just ladies but anyone in your

life. And so then I ceased farting in front of any potential date, but then I do remember I had a very significant fart that happened in my life after the break up of my first kind of long-term relationship and I hadn't heard her fart for six years. And then we broke up, but we were sort of still living in the same house for like three months. And then she farted in front of me for the first time

in six years and it was a fart that had been held, well, I don't think it had been held in for six years I think she had probably been farting elsewhere just not in my presence And I remember it being like this really crushing moment because it was the moment that I realized that the relationship was Genuinely over and I cry and I cry I remember crying Like not front of her, but I excuse myself from the room and I was like, if she's fighting front of me, then there's definitely over. And I just had like a little sob in the Lou on my own. And it was the fart that broke my heart. Oh my God.

It's really, it's so sad. So Hannah, what would you say you feel about the Dating World? I hate it, but I also have herpes. And I'm also sober. So it's like those two things are tough going into it. And I do stand up, which as a woman, it's like not that attractive because I talk about this shit. Because I talk about this shit.

I'm the worst of those, yeah. Is that because they're afraid you're going to talk about them on stage probably and probably because I do. Yeah. Have you always been sober dating? No, I got sober two years ago. Okay, okay, okay. I've always been sober dating, so I've never, ever, ever had an inebriated shack or fingering

and that is... Well, no one's fingering anymore. Well, I'm getting fingered out here. Yeah, yeah. In America, we're getting fingered out here. Thank you. Plus, I'm dating in LA and every guy's on a diet so no one's eating pussy Yeah, just like straight out. I just say every I don't want to do it so nobody's eating it. It feels that way

I just I don't like to bother people so I'm like alright do whatever Jack, it's time for Tepp and Yaki dinner. Also, do you just take all of your girls to Asian restaurants? Oh, it was a date. Ah, no, I'm joking. This story involves no farting at all. OK. This was my first date back having come out of the six-year relationship.

The one that ended with the sad small fart. It was the sad small fart. And so it was my, I was sort of released back out into the wild, and this was my first date. And so I was quite kind of nervous. I'd sort of forgotten how to do it and I booked a Teppinacchi restaurant in Kensington and I arrived with my date to I'd been set up with by a friend and we were led to a table right in the middle of the room which I was not particularly

keen on if I'm on a date subsequently. I'm always like to be tucked away in the corner away from prying eyes. It's very light room as well, so I felt very exposed and on show in the middle of this room. And I studied, I think I did a big, Dick swinging red wine order, ordered like some ridiculous bottle of wine, because I thought that would be some kind of a flex and then ordered the special, which was a sizzling, teponacchi beef plate.

So I was going to turn out that she was a vegan, so that was probably not a great thing to order with her there, but I was sort of committed already and was really, I don't know, I don't know why, but I'm just showing off. Wait, do you start with this dinner with like, allow me, right? Yeah, I was like, we'll get the most expensive wine. We're gonna get, yeah, the special, the technique,

and the beef plate, and then she was like, I'm not gonna go anywhere near that, because I'm a vegan, I was like, oh great, and I don't really drink red wine, so great, I'm drinking that on my own as well. And then they brought over the teponacchi beef plate and put it down in the middle of the table, and had like the sort of sizzling hot plate, which was there to cook the beef on. And then the waiter came over with the red wine and started pouring the red wine.

And as he poured the red wine, he accidentally knocked over my glass of red wine, which then smashed onto the sizzling hot plate and then sprayed up boiling hot red wine into my face and eyes and all over her as well. I screamed. I was like, like, not shout, like a proper like scream. No, don't do it. Everyone, I was like, I was like, I couldn't see because it was in my eyes as wearing a white shirt as well completely covered in white shirt. Wait, you're in the middle of the restaurant, so you have a 360 degree. In the middle of the restaurant, everyone is great.

Like, I feel everyone's gaze on me and they're all looking. Some of them are getting out their camera phones and I'm there. And then the British nurse kicks in as well. I'm apologizing like it's my fault and turning the weight to it's fine. I wanted you know to taste the wine that way. It's always good to get the full you know effect of the wine when you can have it through your eyes and face and and and feel it through the pores of your skin as well. And then it got to right to the end of the meal I remember and the bill came and they'd still charged me for everything,

the wine, the service, everything. I was like, that's a bit surprised, but I didn't want to make a scene. He had literally smashed a bottle of red wine, like, onto my face. I was like at the very least, maybe that wine's coming off the bill, but it didn't. So I just signed and paid the bill. And then, was on the way out, and my date went to the bill, but it didn't. Oh. So I just signed and paid the bill and then was on the way out and my date went to the toilet because you need to text her friend and say, give me an excuse to get the hell out of here. And then the matriety was, what was the excuse?

What was the excuse? Well, no, no, she said, was everything okay with your meal? And I looked down at my shirt, which was like blood spattered. I looked like Carrie. And I said, well, I mean, it was fine, but I mean, you're waiting, you're waiting to do the smasher glass of boiling red wine into my face and all over my clothes. And I think if that happens in the future, it might be pertinent to admit that from the bill. And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry, please let me tell that officer. No, no, I wasn't saying I wanted to take off the bill.

I'm more than happy to pay for it. I just think it happens again. I don't want to be cheap, exactly. He worries that I was scream. No, I insist, let me take it off the bill. I said, no, no, no, you can't take it off the bill. She said, give me your credit card. Literally, then walk back out to see me having some tug of war

with the bill and my credit card is literally, I don't want to pay for it. Please, don't make me pay for it. And then I managed to rip the bill off her and run it literally bolting out of the restaurant to avoid the awkward situation. And I just handled it completely wrong and was so sort of self-conscious and embarrassed

and just it was horrendous. How much was the bottle on? 100 pounds plus. I know what's happening here, by the way. I know exactly what's happening, Jack. Go on what's happening. You are a skilled entertainer. I know that you're very suave with the ladies.

There is an opening for the late, late show and this is the antithesis of a James Corden restaurant story. And you are positioning yourself here now on this podcast as a man of the people. He says, you're going to bring my wife the wrong omelet? No problem. You could smash a boiling bottle of wine in my face. I'll pay for it and say thank you.

And this is a talk show host that I think the nation can get behind. You're a great guy. And I like what you've done here. Well, you, this is the clip. Don't worry, Jack. We're going to push you as far as we can. I am, but I am genuinely a horrendous complainer and I think that is part of the issue with me

in a date situation or a restaurant situation. As in your horrendous act complainer or you are? I'm a horrendous act complaining. Like we had, I took Roxy Fadena and Roxy is pescatarian and we told the waiter before that she was pescatarian and one of the dishes they brought her had four grand it. Which is, I mean, that's not a great one to bring someone that is a pescatarian.

And so you made, no, I didn't make her eat it, but I was like, it's just fine. I'll just don't say anything. We just leave it there. I'll subtly eat it off your plate and we'll be fine. Like, I think if someone gives you foie gras against your will, you're very within your rights

to say something. But even in that situation, I couldn't bring myself to it. I also realize I've now, it makes, I'm, I've actually seen my dates. I'm odd, yes, I'm odd, I'm odd, I'm 100 pound bottle of red wine and eating foie gras. I think maybe I'm losing my appeal as the man of the people.

No, no, no, because if you're accent people are assuming you're a tosser from the second year of your math anyway, don't worry. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, I also worked at a restaurant where, and it was a kind of big chain restaurant where the waiters would come back and report if someone had been rude or like off or difficult and the chefs would put their hands down their pants and rub their hands around a bit and then just flick or put their hand in the food. There was also a period of way to think it was really funny to store

up come and put it in the carbonara. So I never ate at work even though that was supposed to be a perk of a tradition, but I can't say because it's a really big chain of a pursuit. Oh my god. Well thank you for that story. I'm very glad to see that you have not been permanently blinded by that tap and yucky and why. And I'm glad you've lived to see another day. We'll be right back. Bad days! Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest

and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brownauer, we will be your resident not-so-expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking. Oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll

feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. And we're back. Katherine, your story is called Who Do You Think You Are? Yes. So I was invited to do this BBC Ancestry Show that Jack has also been on and it's called

Who Do You Think You Are. So to do this program, they don't tell you where you're going to go. All they do is tell you where you're going to go. All they do is tell you where you're going to begin because they want to get your natural, surprised reaction on camera. I explained to them that Botox ship has sailed, but I was excited to sign up for the show. One thing that you never expect on who do you think you are is to hook up because you're searching your ancestry. Like everyone's family, no one's packing condoms for that flight. because you're searching your ancestry, like everyone's family, no one's packing condoms for that flight.

So I go home, it's totally single, always wanting to be single. And my sister begged me to go to the pub that night, because we didn't know how long I'd be in town for in the town I grew up in. So I went out with her to the pub and in walks my high school boyfriend. He will always be my first love.

He will always be the second dude I lost my virginity too. Someone I've always really had feelings for, someone normal that I dated before I started dating all these comedian losers and musicians and all that jazz. And so I found that very humbling and he looked really sexy, which is great. When you used to have sex with someone when they were teenager and then you see them in their late 30s and you think they're hotter than they were when they were teenager, and then you see them in their late 30s, and you think they're hotter than they were when they're a teenager,

that's what you want. So right away I said to myself, great, Katherine, you don't fancy teenagers. You find this man hotter, like older, bit wrinkled. That's a really great. It's such a relief, right? We can't all do that test on ourselves,

but I was like, oh, he's really fit. And then I was drinking with my sister, of course. So I said, I'm going to bang him for a laugh just for a laugh because when are you going to see your high school boyfriend in a pub? And that's why everyone loves Canadian girls too, because we'll just bang you for a laugh. Like British girls karaoke, pub quiz, I'll suck your dick at my mom's house while I'm in town for 24 hours. So I brought him back to my mom's house and we had this wild night where I, again, I never have one night's stance, never,

but I felt like this didn't count because he was my high school boyfriend. So I thought it was just really funny. All our friends, our school friends will get a laugh out of it, whatever. And because I've been drinking, I was uncharacteristically like vocal. I know that I was being loud.

My child was, during sex, I was being loud. I don't remember what I was saying, but I know that you were saying words and not just moaning, you actually. I don't. Delivering like big sentences. I think doing bits. I think I was doing a bit. I was doing Jack Whitehall's material. I didn't know what I was saying. I can't wrap it up. I can't wrap it up. Jack White was dead. Yeah. I always talk about your dad during six. So the bed in my childhood bedroom was squeaky. I was making noise. I was definitely moaning. I was definitely just being obnoxious. I'm not normally that way. But my mom was not

in town. So it was fine. She and her husband were out of town. I'm not normally that way, but my mom was not in town, so it was fine. She and her husband were out of town. I had the house to myself. I was staying there for the night. And then in the morning, I made my ex-boyfriend leave. I was like, you have to get out of here. Like, I never do this.

I'm so embarrassed. I have to film today. I'm usually very responsible. You have to go. So he left. And I had like a little mini panic attack on the end of the bed. And I thought, pull yourself together, Katherine, you whore,

get downstairs, make a cup of coffee, like you have to go film. So I go into my mother's kitchen to make a pot of coffee and into this kitchen walks her husband's brother, who is a very lovely man. He's like 50 years old, single computer systems analyst, exactly the kind of guy who would be listening. I had forgotten that he is currently living with my mother

and her husband and he had been home the whole night. And he was in the next bedroom, my childhood home is very small, yet very thin walls. And I could tell by the look on his face, like, he had heard absolutely everything. He would have thought I was performing for him. I was that loud inside such a small house. And I just was like, oh my God.

And I was taken back to high school straightaway. And I just looked at him. I couldn't speak. I thought I was going to be sick. I just looked at him. And I was like, with my eyes, I tried to convey, like, you better not tell my mom about this Pete. You better shut the fuck up about anything

that you hurt, like, you get out of your Pete. And Pete is terrified of me at the best of times. So he ran off to work. And then I filmed the rest of the show, we had a great time filming it, I flew back to the UK, and my ex-boyfriend was really great, like texted me right away. He was really complimentary about the night.

He's like, oh, I've missed you all these years. It's been so good to see what you're doing. Da, da, da, da, da. And then we started a relationship. So you know that first oh, I've missed you all these years. It's been so good to see what you're doing. Da-da-da-da-da. And then we started a relationship. So you know, that first week, I was just in love. I couldn't believe I was back. With the man, I always thought I would marry my high school. But I loved him so much.

We were chatting and chatting. And I have a way of telling everybody everything. I just, you know, I can't help it. So I was invited on the Jonathan Ross show. It's a chat show in the UK. And he asked me what I've been up to all week. And I said, well, I flew home and I banged my high school boyfriend at my mom's house for a laugh.

And then we talked about that, the whole interview, because why not? Jonathan, it's my friend. So the next morning I get a phone call from my mom. And I had forgotten that they can access British television in Canada now. I always thought that everything I do in the UK is like a secret, but I always forget that of course my mom can watch it.

So I thought that she was gonna be cross about me shagging at her house, but instead, I picked up the phone, I saw her name, and I kind of panicked and I just said, hello, and she said, Catherine, did you threaten Pete? And I was like, what? No, no, I would never, I don't understand like what, what

is, these accusations are coming from. What do you mean? And she goes, well, Katherine, last night I sat down with my husband Ann Pete to enjoy the Jonathan Roush show. And you say, the while you were home, you banged Bobby or high school boyfriend at my house for a laugh. Well, of course, Pete wasn't the house, Pete was home all night. And he was watching the program with us. So I turned to him and I said, Pete, what was she on about? What did she, did she hear anything? Did you see anyone come in?

Tell us, what do you know, Pete, it's all right. You can tell us, we're very open in our family. We like to have a laugh. And she said, Pete didn't say word, Catherine. The whole program is scared, straight ahead, sweating. Oh my God. He would not say a word, Catherine, and I need to know, like, don't lie to me, did you threaten our Pete?

Because Pete, and I said, no, but I just, I thought Pete, that day I didn't realize. I was thought Pete was kind of a nerd, like, you know, he's 50, he lives with my parents, but I was like, what a cool, like Pete's my brain. I'm not a lot of applause for I'm glad to propose for Pete. I'm glad to propose for Pete. By the way, that sounds like the best episode of Gogo Box ever.

You said it. I'm not there watching that story being told. I know. I know. It's just turning to Pete. They did, they're like, Pete, go on. And my mom can be very intimidating. Oh my God.

Pete never said a word. And he's my husband now. I married, not Pete, but my high school boyfriend six months later. And I've asked Pete, I've been like, oh, come on, Pete, it's Christmas, it's a laugh. Tell me what you heard. Like, what was I saying? I want to know, we're married now, it's funny. Like, what happened?

We don't remember. And Pete won't even tell me. Pete is a great man. We call it Pete T.S.D. that he's got. Yeah. He's about to say, oh my god. It is so uncomfortable listening to people have sex or knowing. Yeah.

Because I've had flatmates my whole life. I've never, ever, ever lived without flatmates. And so I have been having sex like a mine, my entire sexual life. Because there's just that even though we know it's so normal, so natural, there's just nothing more uncomfortable. A few months ago I heard my neighbor having sex, and it like gave me a panic attack because I was like, holy shit, like if I can hear her having sex, she can 100% hear me. It didn't even sound like, hi, Mac, dick sex, I'm scared she can hear me right now. It was just like very basic, and I was like, because I was like, what is the TV on?

Like, what is that? But then there's also something awkward about putting music on so that no one else here should have sex because then they know you're putting music on to have sex and that also feels even more cringe. So I feel like the mind route is the way to go. God help us all. We'll be right back.

Bad beats. Celebrity beef, you never know if you're just going to end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellaside. And I'm Sydney Battle, and we're the host of Wonder E's new podcast, Dis and Tell. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud, from the build-up, why it happened, and the repercussions. What does our obsession with these feuds say about us? We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selena Gomez and Justin and

Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selena talking about her laminated eyebrows. It's snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud. But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon. Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood. How much of this is teen jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully crafted narrative designed to sell albums? Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon music or wonder ya.

["Bad dates!" by Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and

Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarrant and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarrant and Matt Tarrant and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty and Matt Tarranty Yeah, this happened a few years ago. I was set up by a coworker because I was in, I worked digital for Comedy Central and

we had this talk show and a guy who I work with was like, oh, my friend has been watching the show and he wants to go out with you. And I was like, great. And he was in med school. And he came down for a show and he was pretty quiet the whole night. And then we went back to my place and he's just sitting on my couch and I'm just, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, show that he could have been so upset about. So I was in my head, I was trying to start a conversation. He just was very quiet.

And then he told me that his mom had died three months ago and he was still really upset. And I was like, I did, obviously I felt so bad. I was like, I'm so sorry. Like I just met him. So I just, and also I was so pissed in my red I work with. I was like, you couldn't have given me this heads up. Like, yeah. So I didn't know how to be there for him.

So I literally just started like sucking his dick. And perfect. Perfect. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was just like awkward. So I just did it.

How does one suck away from the tears about one step mother to unzipping someone else's trousers? I mean, there was like a half an hour between. Right. All right, good. No, I think you just do it right away, because you don't have to say anything. You just like... Just wrap them in the back.

Lower down, put a stick in your mouth, you don't have to respond. You don't have to say anything. You have the perfect excuse. Yeah, it's actually, it is more effective than an I'm sorry, because who does an I'm sorry, it's just the thoughts and prayers. It's not someone's dick, you actually genuinely make them feel better, I guess, about the situation.

I feel like Hannah has really cracked men in their trauma. 100%. Jack. Wouldn't you agree? Jack, what do you think, Jack? Yeah, I was really struggling when the queen died, and now I come to think of it.

I'm that big. On the menu at the time, I think it really could have helped me through that difficult time. There you go. Sorry, I couldn't be there. Troubles as a half-master, I respect. And away we go. Lie back and think of England. Yeah. Okay, so Hannah, you are sucking his dick. Yeah. Tears in his eyes sucking his dick and he finishes in my mouth and then I was like really far from the bathroom. So I was like, I'll just spit it into this cup, which I should have swallowed. But I just, I mean, why?

You don't have to swallow it. Yeah. And at the time I was really weird about food. So I also was just like, I didn I mean, don't have a sore neck. Yeah, and at the time, I was really weird about food, so I also was just like, I didn't, it was just on a diet, so I was like, I don't know how to say it. It was a calorie thing. Yeah, it was a calorie thing.

It usually is. It's sperm keto. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it is. It's got the same enzymes as a pineapple. I think it's really good for you. I've never not swallowed, but go on. That's a brag. I think it's really good for you. I've never not swallowed but go on. That's a brag. I mean, I was a bit unnecessary.

Catherine, I felt like that was a microaggression to a tonne. No, I've just learned a lot about American dating culture. I didn't know that there were people splitting it out. I didn't know this. Yeah, but we eat street meat at the end of a night in Britain where you've spent far too long. All right, We have different standards. This is what I'm saying. You street me, you've feminism for blow jobs. No, that's the no. You know, it's your street me, okay, so. Please, don't just a collab.

Okay, just a collab. Sorry, Hannah. So, okay, so you have to have. Spit it into a cup. You spit it into a cup. And he was like, is that the cup that had my A? Ah! Contacts.

Ah. Oh. I thought it was going to be a meat to the internet. I thought it was an on. I thought you spat into the house. Sorry, he's in my house. Oh, thank God. But no, he not thank God, that's still horrendous. That's still a vendous. Oh, my God, you spit come into his contact lenses. And I was like, God, and he goes, because he had, I knew he had driven down from contact lenses. And I was like, oh, God. And he goes, because I knew he had driven down from the Bronx.

So I was like, oh. Okay. And then he was like, I'm legally blind without them. No. So I'm like, oh. And then it's like back to being awkward because I finished talking to Stick and there's no conversation.

So he's like, well, I'm gonna have to sleep over. And then he'd go out tomorrow how to get my car back up to his school. And I was like, okay. All right. And then the next day, he's calling his friends, which honestly, and it doesn't get less awkward. He doesn't go down on me, he doesn't even finger me, he just goes to sleep.

And to be fair, I think he was panic. I don't want it, I don't know why. Just he was crying. So he went to sleep the next day. I'm like, and that's why the contact lenses had to come out in the first place. Yes. I see.

Because that's with, obviously that's so insulting if you're getting intimate with someone. And then the first action is to take out their contact Then I would have to do this if I'm legally blind Well, this one I hadn't had my lips done yet. So maybe that wasn't My god, this is so ridiculous. I didn't feel like he liked me in any way and it was like all right Well, I just sucked your dick you are sleeping over in my apartment and then he called his friends the next morning and I he needed a ride home so I was like all right I'll drive you back so I drove him

like literally over an hour up to his school and then he invited me up and I was like okay and this is when we're gonna have sex, because he was hot. I, this sounds horrible, I was 24 at the time, so maybe 25. So I feel like I wouldn't have put up with this now, but I was like, all right, now maybe he'll go down on me now that we're in his apartment, he's feeling more comfortable.

He can see again. Yeah, we get into his apartment, he's like, do you want an IV? What? And I'm like, I'm like, do you want an IV? What? And I'm like... And you think that's a euphemism? Yeah, I'm like, I'm about to get stuck I don't know how to leave a situation So I just He makes me a handstand much and the awkward thing is I'm stuck to this IV sitting on his couch and

We're sitting in silence Wait IVs take ages. How long we used to take there two hours? We're watching friends And yeah, he he was like, oh, do you think friends is funny? And I was like, yeah, and he's like, I don't. And I was like, all right. So then I was like, is this what's in this IV? Is this man like slowly murdering me? And he makes me a ham sandwich.

So then we just don't talk. I just eat the ham sandwich. It was truly just the most awkward, dead air. And then I can't. We watching the one where Chandler ejaculates into one of his Contact in solution I was gonna add some guidance on this one, but no and then the Ivy was up and he was like all right See you later and then I text I have to take the train home because he doesn't offer to give me right home And I text my friend and I was like why is your, you should have told me your friend was a weirdo?

And he was like, in my defense, you are also a weirdo. So. I think if you're legally blind without your contact lenses, then the very least you should take a backup per-respecticles to any kind of overnight situation. A great, just Jack.

Leave them in your car, right? Yeah. Yeah, or have your mother drop you off and then if you do have a similar situation. His mother died. She's always got your bunch of confidence. Oh, she's dead, of course. She is dead.

While the worst part, the worst part. The worst part is, of course, how his mother died, which was, she went home with something, he came in her contact lenses, and she chose to take the risk and drive. Okay. I'm an accident. So, before she couldn't let history repeat itself. And if only there had been a blood transfusion available via IV drip when she was hit by that transport truck, it could have saved her.

Okay, before people written her down. But people written her down. Any day for it's incredibly dark, like he could have stopped me. Okay, before people written her down, any deeper inter incredibly dark psyche. That's what happened. Bad dates. Guys, thank you so much for these amazing stories. Before you go, I would like to read you one letter that we got from a listener. Is that all right? And tell me any thoughts and give me any questions that come to your minds. Sure. This is from Crystal, and she writes, Sir.

I had a date about 20 years ago with a friend of a colleague. I had an ad sex in 14 months and was a girl in need. The date was going well, we were laughing a lot and clearly attracted to one another. After three bottles of red wine, I invited him back. That's a lot of red wine. Whoa. Yeah, I invited him back to my flat.

And as we were addressing each other, I asked him if there was anything particular that he liked or wanted me to do. What a lovely lady. Nice. I like a question like that. He said he'd love it if I could do a sexy dance for him in heels.

I agreed. I grab a pair of brand new shoes in the wardrobe, never worn and put them on. The shoes are best described as like a wicker basket sort of material with gaps so you can see the skin. Anyway, I'm doing my best to be sexy as I dance. Oh my god, this is actually my nightmare. This is my nightmare that anyone would ever

ask me to do this. Anyway, as I dance and Jai right against the wall, and he's visibly excited and stroking himself, he sat on the end of the bed, which is about two feet from the wall. I'm dancing against in my small flat. I can see he's getting excited, so just as I'm thinking of straddling him on the edge of the bed, he crouches down at my feet and jizzes on my brand new shoes. He takes care to ensure there's a dollop on both shoes and jumps back on the bed in a starfish position.

I stare at my shoes for a few seconds before tottering off to the bathroom. My wine head didn't really know what to do in this situation, so I decided to step into the bathtub and use the shower head to rinse the come off my shoes or feet while still wearing the shoes. I climb out of the bathtub, remove my shoes, leave them in the sink, and as I'm heading back to the bathroom, I can hear snoring. This cunt is sprawled out naked on top of the bed, enjoying a post-com nap. I was not pleased with this. I said aloud to myself, oh don't fuck you worry about me, this is definitely an English person.

I kicked his foot and shouted at him to get out. I threw him out while he was still getting dressed and never saw him again. The shoes went out to the communal, but in the next morning, gutted. Oh my god, that's such a... I feel like in that situation, you're allowed to take retribution in his shoes. I think that's probably the way you get your revenge. You take a shit in the shoes. I think that I probably will be on the cards.

I think you sent a Venmo request, but I'm against that red sheep. I would be so angry. If I came on both shoes, and you had to throw them away, brand new. They were like a wicker basket with gaps. I mean, these were not nice shoes. I don't think they sound. What is she talking about?

OK, coming in, yeah, coming in hot with the Joan Collins fashion police. I've really appreciated that. Maybe he did, that's true, Catherine actually. Maybe he's trying to give her a hint. Did her a favor? We're not in Holland anymore. Like, what are you wearing at your feet? It was a passive aggressive one.

Give her a hint. The shoes were not working. Yeah. Guys, thank you so much for coming on to this podcast. Thank you so much for these incredibly silly stories. I'd love to hear them and I've loved hanging out. Thank you so much. Thanks for having us. Jack Whitehall appears in the news season of the Afterparty on Apple TV Plus and Catherine Ryan's podcast is telling everybody everything. It's so good and so funny, she's so special, so cool, and her new special,

it's called Mrs. Available On Sky. Hannah Dickinson hosts the new podcast, Ha Ha Land, and the tickets for her upcoming shows can be found at HannahDickinson.com. Go see it! Bad dates is produced by smartness media and Wandery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jermila Jamil.

That's me, produced by Stuart Bailey, produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris, associate producer is Maddie McCann, music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes, executive producers for Smartness Media, a Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our number is 9-8-4-265-3283 and our email is baddatespot at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more Hello, Prime Members! You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus

in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.