Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil - Weird Fight Club (w/ Akilah Hughes, Iliza Shlesinger, and Hari Kondabolu)

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Akilah Hughes (Bob’s Burgers, What A Day), Iliza Shlesinger (Good On Paper, Dollface), and Hari Kondabolu (The Problem With Apu, Snack Vs Chef) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Akilah tells us how her date put his foot down and was still hungry for more, Iliza takes a chance at Christmas but gets coal in her stocking, and Hari bravely recounts a double-booking nightmare. If you’ve had a bad date you’d like to tell us about, our number is 984-265-3283, and our email is [e-mail], we can’t wait to hear all about it.Akilah Hughes’s essay collection Obviously: Stories From My Timeline is available in print or as an audiobook. Iliza Shlesinger’s new comedy showcase Iliza’s Locals is on YouTube now. Hari Kondabolu’s new special Vacation Baby is also available on YouTube.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, Prime members. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. Some men are boyfriends. Some women are girlfriends. Some people just want that more than dating around. They just want the relationship. They get very cozy.

I met my husband and he immediately bought me nice top of wear. He was like, how can I move in here home and make your life easier? He's like a house cat. Oh my God, Tupperware. And he was like, how can I move into your home and make your life easier? Like, he's like a house can. Oh my God, I just came. It was really nice, high-rex, because he's a ship. He's like, let's store these leftovers properly. Oh my God. Wait, it was gloss.

Yeah, like high-rex came again. Wow. Stop, yeah, wow. The good stuff. Do you need a cigarette? Yeah. I reuse old Chinese food containers. So I'm like, what kind of person am I?

And I'm dried back up, thank you. Thank you. I'm glad dates. I'm glad dates. Akeela, Eliza and Harry, welcome to bad dates. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi, it's so nice to have you all here.

I'm massive fans of you all, and I am very excited to learn the more vulnerable and sorted sides of your lives. Oh, I know. I know. They said there'd be no vulnerability. So, just back. Yeah. vulnerability. So just back. Yeah. Yeah.

Just personal fact. Just sorted. Just sorted. Is that all you want there, Eliza? Yeah, just sorted. And legally humiliating. Yeah. Great, great, great.

Then you are in exactly the right place. As you may know, this is a podcast just about the stupidest dates that we've ever been on and all of the ridiculous things we will do in pursuit of love or shagging or both. Before we get into everyone's stories, I just want to know what each of you, unlike when it comes to dating, like Akeela, how do you feel about the dating world? Do you enjoy it? Do you enjoy going on dates? Do you feel like people enjoy going on dates with you? I

I hate to laugh, but I think dating is a fucking nightmare Really? It's a worse part of my life. I have met I am single I All the people that I should be with don't want to be with me all the people who are absolute pariahs are just obsessed with me And I I don't know I talk to my mother about it often and she's just like people who are absolute pariahs are just obsessed with me. And I don't know, I talked to my mother about it often and she's just like, I don't envy your generation.

Looks like hell out there. And I'm like, that's right. It's comforting. Does she give you any dating advice? I mean, do you have that kind of relationship? Totally. Well, her advice, which I think is just advice she wish someone had told her, was always

be the beloved. Oh, chasing these men, they're never going to love you as much. Find someone who's obsessed with you. Love you so much. So, maybe, maybe, maybe good advice. But just always ugly. Yes. Oh, what is it? I'm what about you, Eliza?

How do you feel like you are to date? What do you feel like the experience is of dating you? I feel like, and I know, because I've been married for almost five years. Well done. Thank you. My big headline is, like, I'm so much fun. Like, I don't know anything else. I just let them know, and I say to my husband all the time,

I'm like, you're with me because this is a good time. We're gonna have trips. We're gonna do, it's a lot of disorganization. I think it's a fun time. Is the big highlight. I don't like couples. Like anytime we get in an argument, I'm like, I don't wanna be this couple.

So I don't care what the outcome is. Like like let's just, we have to go to dinner. So, I think it's a good time. Amazing, wait a second. It's keeps saying my connection is unstable. That's how it is to date me. I'm so close to you. Hahaha. Wait, so Eliza, do you enjoy dating? I feel like if you are a good time,

did you feel like you had a good time during your dating years? I think it's like hindsight is 2020, but I do remember being single and just being so frustrated, just because, and Akila, you probably get this. You're like, I'm great. Why doesn't this person like me?

And that doesn't help either. Yeah, I'm like, even when I make a big list and I'm like, we have fun together. We have fun, attractive, and photos together. This is fun. You have to take your shirt off. Great, great, great. Yep, but I do think I got out,

I mean, aside from one horrible experience that I wrote a movie about, relatively unscathed, there are people who are in it and they are just getting beaten up. So my heart does break for that. Because it ain't easy. 100%. I mean, neither is marriage.

So that's why my well done earlier. Congratulations, especially during a pandemic. That's 15 years, really. You have to really think about it in 20 years. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And Harry, what about you? Enjoy dating.

Hey, dating. I, you know, I'm really, I'm a relationship person that's had a couple of like intense periods of like dating and I'm very good at the first few dates. I'm incredibly charming and funny. I come off as very smart and then I think about date three people start to realize, a, oh, that's everything. He's just every bit of funny he has has been spent on the first three days every book he's ever read has been mentioned the first three dates and now it's just like gloom and anxiety for some indefinite period so that historically had been the trend so So, I mean, now I'm in a relationship shockingly,

five years and I've had a kid for two and a half. And so, this is kind of where I'm most suited to be. I love the idea of the first three dates being like your comedy special and then you're just barren after. In comedy terms, it's like really good at a 10 minute set, but when you give me the hour, it's like, oh, this is starting to heat itself a little bit.

Yeah, you put your phone, you're like, what else do I got? Let's read my tweets now. Yeah. Any audience questions? This might be an overstated cultural reach, but also like we are from a similar part of the world. Where are you from? My parents are from southern India. Right. So, I wonder if there's also like an extra awkwardness that South Asians have

when it comes to the world of dating, because it's not necessarily like a big part of our culture. But we're the first generation who are really like out big part of our culture. But with the first generation who were really out there with our tips out. I mean, because like, you're dating history from your, at least from me, my parents side was their first date was the wedding, right? It's like the classic South Asian joke, but it's also true. And so like they met on,

they're basically the day before or the day of their wedding. And this is before there were telephones where they were talking to each other. So it was letters that my dad's brother wrote because my father didn't write well. So it's full of lies. And unlike my dad's letters, they were grand, grandly correct. So the idea of love marriage, obviously growing up in the US, is like such a fascinating idea, and so much of what shaped that wasn't my parents' relationship, it was film.

It was TV and film, which are obviously incredibly accurate, and don't cause any harm in shaping your expectations of love and peace. Amazing ideals, very good for women in the 90s. I feel like we all really benefited from the messaging. You know, it's completely, it's nonsense. 100%, just like, date one, get married. It's done. Seal the fucking deal.

My first thought was when I met somebody, was marriage. It was like, oh, this person's great. I'm like, I'm 15, man. Like, what are you talking about? Bad beats. What are you talking about? Bad dates! Okay, so let's jump into everyone's stories because I'm dying to hear

especially given the run-up that Akila offered. Akila, would you tell me what Brooklyn warehouse party is about? Yeah, I'm like, so it's 2012. So Brooklyn is at its prime, you know, girls is on TV. And I think let's go to this, let's be on, I don't know, I think it was, it was some dating app. It was not even an app. That's how old it was. I had a blackberry still. It was like think it was it was some dating app. It was not even an app. That's how old it was I had a blackberry still it was like it was website. Yeah, and so like I actually took the time to like right paragraphs about what I'm looking for

I think I was 22 what did I know in any case? I met this guy. I think generally it was just because he was tall like I I have to say, I was also a fault here. His like, paid so I was like, okay, six, six, never did anybody that tall, that's exciting. So is he your Adam Driver in that moment? Yes, fully. Like I was like, this is gonna be an exciting moment to climb a tree and then probably never speak to someone again.

And so he invited me to dinner with his friends. He was as tall as the thing said, so that was interesting. I'm 5'4", not that anyone cares. And so we sat at a table and his friends seemed normal and it was like, okay, this is like a safe place to meet people, whatever. And so, and like, they didn't have any red flags about him and they had just gotten back from traveling. They seemed well adjusted. So you could understand why I'm like, okay, if his friends aren't all like murderers, he probably isn't. So after we're all kind of wrapping up there, he's like, well, do you wanna go to a house party

with the Vietnam, like sure, like okay, like with these people, great, let's just keep it going. I feel so safe. Right, exactly. So we get in a cab, they're suspiciously not in the cab. And the house party is actually a Brooklyn warehouse that I think is a trap house. And I...

I'm like 99% positive. That's bothering. Like he's like, that's the bar. And the bar was like handles a vodka and like... Oh, last decade or eight bottles and shit. I guess like, that's not a bar. Like that, they're holding the money in their pockets. It was, they get it.

What's so, so we're in there. The music is bad, like even bad for 2012 standards. I think you know, things just get better, production improves, but it's like not even the hits. So I'm just really not feeling it. After like a few more people come, so there's probably 30 people in this building. It's not a home. Somebody comes in who looks kind of CD, and he's like suddenly animated and is like,

can I borrow 50 bucks? And I was like, why? And he's like, I need to buy some Coke. Now, reluctantly, because this is everything I was flush with cash, I gave this individual $50. Wait, did you even, do you even, I mean, was that even something you wanted for yourself? I was literally, I was like so new to New York,

I'm from the South, I was like, this is a big New York night. Okay. I'm in the south. I was like, this is a big New York night. Okay. I'm in the city. Exactly. $50 in 2012 was the equivalent of $5 million. Yeah. Yeah.

I really was. And like, I took it out of my pocket. People started beating me to death to take the rest. So I give him $50. He acquires the cocaine. He then is like, do you want to go to the bathroom and do this cocaine with me? Now, I was just, I was too afraid. So I watched him do a bump off of a key.

The bathroom was really small, so then he stepped in a toilet that was filled with piss and splashed all my pants. No! He did the work immediately. He proceeds to ask me for a blowjob. Ha ha ha. I literally am like, no. And then I got into an unmarked cab. Thankfully,

it was just like a scary cab. It drove me home, where my three roommates who I worked at a bar were getting home around like one thirty in the morning, they had cocaine. So I did it with them. And then we all just clean the house. And then the next day, you think the date ends there? But no, the next day, all day, this man is calling me on a blackberry, ambivium, literally being like, can you send me Chinese food? I'm so hungry now. Oh my.

Oh, what's wrong with you? Wait, you gave him your number? I mean, I was making lots of mistakes. Wait, that's your takeaway is that you gave him your number. Yeah. Did you give him the number before, after he stepped in with me? It was before I even got to the bar. Were you like, can you pay for my dry cleaning?

Yeah, oh my God. And I'm telling you, this was like, who knows how long the P.I.B. in there? I don't think that place had plumbing. Like, I'm pretty sure it was one of those like, kind of dimmed like, which houses? In New York, where someone just kicked the door and it started serving drinks.

Like, it's fossil piss. It's fossil piss. It's been that the dinosaur was pissed in there. Biofuel, it's gasoline. I should just keep that. I tried Sarah Tops, it was the last one to use it. Yeah. So that was my first experience with online dating. I got to tell you, I don't think

it's got much better. How long did he text you for to continuously ask for stuff? Well, so I blocked his number, but then, you know, at that point, Facebook was still a thing. He found me there. He's been there for years. He's not asking for the Chinese food still, there. He's there. He's there. He's there.

He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there.

He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there.

He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there. He's there from the bad place. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I always end up siding with the piss taker of someone who asked for the things that I never could imagine, because I'm so in awe of anyone. I'm so afraid to ask for anything in life ever from anyone. And so for me, the idea that someone takes you to an actual literal shithole and then asks you to get on the ground and give him a blowjob. And then continues to ask you for food, as if it is the fucking Make a Wish foundation.

It is, this was his Make a Wish too, was to go to a trap house, get some cocaine, it's a Chinese food. Like, just die bro. Like, just prank, just die. I would have thought I was on punked. Like, that is so, that's one of the most insane lack of self awareness that I've ever heard to the point where it does cross-intelligent.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's wild. I mean, literally the fact that I didn't immediately delete my dating profile and just like go to a mountain and become a nun and just yodel until my body decided to die. It's just a real test of history. It's a real test of history. Wait, you know his name though.

Have you, can we look him up now on Facebook? Oh my God. Oh my God. The kind of guy that accidentally gets a woman pregnant and then he becomes enlightened about like, I had a daughter. Now I realize women have feelings. Almost certainly. Do you know?

I believe his name was Jason. I do not remember his last name, but I will go through my Facebook messages and then reach out to your producer. Jason, if you're out there, please get in touch. We will buy you Chinese. He's almost certainly dead, right? Look at him. Yeah.

You don't make it very far, well, that's how you're living. You know? Oh, that's so fun. Were there any lessons or takeaways, would you say from that day? I mean, I hate to say it, my first takeaway was, don't date.

Is that worth it? The second one was really like, you know, wait a bit, maybe to give them your number? Wait a bit, for sure. No one's shaming for that. Well, I'm not, Harry is, but like I, I'm on your side. Thank you so much.

And then the other thing I think that I learned was like on my own shallowness. It's like maybe just don't go out with people because they're tall. Yeah, also, I have a bone to take with you about that. I have a small bone to pick with you about that. I had to let suppress it, but you have a foot for. And you dated a man, you wanted to date with a man who was six foot six? Yeah. Get out of my lane. Get out of your lane.

You're actually bailing his turf. But like, listen, okay, I am five foot ten and a half and I really fancy shorter men, but they do not often fancy me or want to date me. All right, so all I have is the six foot and above. All right, you, anyone is tall to you. No offense. No offense. You're a petite angel.

That's fitting. What are you doing? Get out of my lane. Someone's got to carry the groceries to me. I'm really like, I love warehouse parties, bad coke, and urinal blow jobs. So please, let me have this. Just urine, and you can't wait.

I always take to the seat. Jason, get in touch. Yeah, reach out. Jason, I'm here, I'm waiting. I want to buy you dinner. Thank you for that story. Kila, that's fucking wild. We'll be right back.

Bad dates. Life is short, and it's full of a lot of interesting questions. What is happiness really mean? How do I get the most out of my time here on Earth? And what really is the best cereal? These are the questions I seek to resolve on my weekly podcast, Life is Short with Justin Long. If you're looking for the answer to deep philosophical questions like, what is the meaning of life?

I can't really help you. But I do believe that we really enrich our experience here by learning from others. And that's why in each episode, I like to talk with actors, musicians, artists, scientists, and many more types of people about how they get the most out of life. We explore how they felt during the highs, and sometimes more importantly, the lows of their careers. We discuss how they've been able to stay happy during some of the harder times, but if I'm being honest, it's mostly just fun chats between friends about the important stuff.

Like, if you had a sandwich named after you, what would be on it? Follow Life is short wherever you get your podcasts. You can also listen to Add Free on the Amazon Music or Wondering App. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, dates. And we're back.

Eliza, you're up next. Okay. You're about to tell me tales from your 30s. Yeah, because the, the ask was, you know, a horrible date. And I, to be honest, have never had like, like, that is so traumatic. And it's a full date. And so I had three many ones, but I'll start with the longer one

because I don't wanna take up too much time and maybe this one will just count as the longest one. Basically, okay, I'll start with the show and then do the long one. The short one is Super Hot Guy that met me at a show, like asked for my number, like what every female comic, like deep down is like I hope someone hot in the audience

is like finding me irresistible. And he asked for my number. And I love like a jacked large Neanderthal. That's not what I married, but that's like a thing. He asked me out, we meet up and we're having a drink and he doesn't ask me one question about myself and it's a lot about like his businesses, so you know he's super smart. And then I don't know why we had to go do something so we were going to meet up later.

We meet up later, we go to a bar, long story short is I say to, I'm drinking like a vodka soda, something like super low lift. And I'm like, why aren't you drinking? And he pulls out a vial, like a little, not to tread on your turf, looks like a cocaine vial, but it was not yay. And he dumps in GHB. And he goes, explain to everyone who doesn't know,

GHB is, think it's like the date rape drug. I always get confused with HGH, which it could have been, which is human growth hormone. But it's like a date rape drug. He pours it in his own water, drinks it, and says, if you don't drink alcohol on this, it's kind of a nice buzz. And he puts the whole thing. What?

I've had that dropped into my drink. I was fine in the end, because it turned out I was too tall for them to carry me out the bar. But I tried to do a side turned out I was too tall for them to carry me out the bar. But I tried to do it. I was super insane. But I, because I'm tall and I'm heavy, you know, so I'm a challenge. But I was sober, because I've never had alcohol, which is how I knew that's what I'd ingested. It's not a light buzz.

What the fuck is he talking about? Because this guy, like a like weight like a big dude. And I don't know how much it was. My first 20 something instinct was like that's super rude. You didn't share it with me. And then, That's right. That we were all buzzing.

I was like, we get up so much fun together. Cause he was like, he was sweet. He was just dumb. And then at the end of the night, I was like, I'm definitely kissing this dude, and I did. And then, not unlike you, Akilah, he kept sending weird texts like over the weeks like, hey, God, what did he call me? It was like, hey, leap frog, hey superstar,

just weird. And I didn't know your name. He doesn't remember your name. Totally. And I didn't realize that till just now, I think you're right. But I just never wrote back. And I was just like, that's such a move. Sorry, is it not a red flag that that man even has a vile of that?

That's not so bad. I was already on the day. I didn't see V.S. I was feeling the day. Was he deciding which one of you he was going to drug? And then I was like, you know, I'll just drink this myself. I had already used double-sided tape to tape my bra to my American apparel racer, back tank. I was already, I had already beryl curled my hair. I was already used double-sided tape to tape my bra to my American apparel racer, back tank.

I was already, I had already barrel curled my hair. I was already out. And I was like, this girl's got to eat. Yeah, you were in your business, Ken. Yeah, this guy is hot. And then I just never wrote back. Cause in LA, if you just never write back, like no one can never call you out on it. It's like, oh, I've been busy.

Um, we're not about to get it. We're not about to get it. We're not about to get it. So the red flags don't count once you're in it. Is that what you're saying? Once you've bared a curl, your hair. Then it's done. You've accepted the reality that's in front of you at that point. Well, a red flag only matters if you are continuing something.

And I'm like, we're here. I'm not taking the G.H.B. I'm definitely not going home with you. We're in a public space. It's a bar I know. At least maybe someone will see me kissing this hot gorilla. And they'll be like, wow, she only did hot dudes. Wait a second, so how did he figure out,

like, how did he figure out the GHB would do that? Did he accidentally spike his own drink one day? And then he said, oh, this is amazing. A madame Curie, like penicillin discovery kind of thing. Like, nope, I don't, I don't wanna know. I don't know if a bunch of those dudes get together and they just like live like high-weight low rep and they just like discover these things.

But he, at the time, I was so blown away by it, but I had already had a drink, so I like wasn't completely sober. Yeah, maybe he was chloroforming his friends before that. Like he just tries to find all of the different ways. It's just like a weird fight club. I think yeah. They're like, look what I found.

So even he's not a bad, I've seen him like out and about. And he's just like a happy like giant golden retriever. Nice enough guy. And so the one that I really wanna tell you is this one because I think it is incredibly like you asked Jamila, vulnerable. You know, and I don't, Harry, I don't know if like guys feel this as much, but you know, I only done one dating app ever, and there was one guy that like I started talking to,

but like physically I was just, he wasn't unattractive, I just wasn't my thing, wasn't my vibe. So you text with them a little bit over time while dating other people. Like you kind of keep coming back. It's like that food on your plate that you keep trying to eat, like hoping it'll taste better.

Tec think, tec think. I've been that guy, keep going. You've been that food. Yeah, you've got it. You've got it. And so after like months of just like casual texting, I was like, you know what? Because you're at that place, you're like,

I'll probably never find love, maybe it's him. So he meets me out. we'll call him Steve, because that's the worst name I can think of. We'll call him Steve. And I was like, okay, you know what? Like maybe he's kind of cute. So we have a nice date and we go out maybe once or twice and I'm not a big casual sex person,

but we have sex. And it was super fun. I'm a pretty like private non-casual. Like, so for me to do that, and to like let myself go. And it was great. And I was from the bottom of my heart, I was like, that was so much fun. I would love to have sex with this person again,

because I really enjoyed myself. So I was so sad. So we had sex like at the end of November, and I was having a Christmas party. And I always have big Christmas parties. So we had sex like at the end of November and I was having a Christmas party and I always have big Christmas parties. So I invited him and my thought being like, come over, we'll get wasted with my friends and then we'll have all that fun sex

that I so enjoyed before. He shows up. I'm like again, in an American apparel like jumper because it's like, you know, the 20, 10s. He shows up with a girl. Oh! To my house. And I am a very confident person.

I wasn't threatened because she was ugly. Fuckin' him. And so I was like, before I could even, I just see a girl with him. And he's like, this is my friend, Chelsea. And I'm like, okay, I, great, I'm super inclusive. I was like, come on in. I remember specifically being very nice to her and a good host.

I'm like, can I get you guys anything? Whatever, the house was like two levels. I don't really see them all night. They are downstairs the whole time, like being like super reclusive and weird as if my friends aren't like really nice. Like it was a weird move. Like there was no reason to feel uncomfortable.

So the party's winding down and I'm like, oh, are we gonna have all that fun sex? And I'm like, hey, are you gonna like sleep over? He's like, actually, we're gonna take off. Me and Chelsea are gonna take off. And I'm like, okay, like I don't know what man is like, I'm not gonna have fun sex with you. I'm gonna go hang out with this't know what man is like, I'm not gonna have fun sex with you.

I'm gonna go hang out with this ego. And he texts me later. I'll every guy. Every guy. Every guy, apparently every guy. He's like, Chelsea felt like you were kind of rude to her. And I'm like, it's rude about her. Now, it's Dana.

I didn't call her ugly at the time. Yeah, she came in the house and you were like, hi. She got ugly her. And I feel like, who's this ugly? I was so nice because I'm like, at the time. Yeah, she came in the house and you were like, hi. She got ugly. And I feel like, who's this ugly? I was so nice because I'm like, this is his friend. And Jamila, I feel like because you're a model, you understand, you're like, I'm just being nice

and like when girls feel threatened, they get like their claws come out. And I'm like, I wasn't. I like offered her a drink. Like I don't enjoy being a bitch. And right. So just the idea, it's basically just this idea of like being a 20-something girl

and you're just like, I was hoping we could have delicious sex and he's like, no, you can stay here and rot. I'm gonna leave with this friend who also said that you were a piece of shit. And then I spent the whole night talking to a guy who was recently divorced about his divorce while I emptied my dishwasher. That was my Christmas party.

Oh, babe. Also, it doesn't even sound like you had an opportunity to be rude to her. They went and hid for the entire party. Thank you. They expect you to come over as the host and just sit with them in the corn, in the dungeon that they've created together, the social dungeon. Ugly dungeon. I think she had a thing for him.

So no matter what I did, she was going to be like, oh, she was rude to me. And I'm like, have fun, like having her blow you in a basement party with bad cocaine. I've heard there's a lovely, and a warehouse party. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, it was just so sad because for the first time in my life, I was like, I'll just have that casual sex. This will be great. Come to my Christmas party and he's like, I'm good. No, it's an extraordinary thing that I feel like everyone I know is faced at some point of the extra layer of rejection

from the person that you weren't actually that into in the first place. Like the person you talked yourself into, then rejects you. Yes. It is a new layer of, I'm a fucking mug that we didn't even know we had. I didn't even want a relationship.

I just wanted to have sex again. Like, who doesn't want that? Yeah. It's my Joker origin story. Like, you're strumming my paper, do you finger right? No. I'm like, I get it with the ugly. Oh my god.

She was so, I'll say with the bat, just breaking windows at this point. I can't say origin story. I can't take it. Oh my god. I mean, I can't say origin story. I can't take it. Oh my God. I mean, I don't even know what the fucking lesson is from that, other than just follow your instincts. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

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Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes's not very good. Oh God, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really , I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really , I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really , I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really

really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, really, I really, really, I really, really, I really, really, I really, really, I really, really, really, I really, really, I really, really, I really, really, I really, I really I discovered it. This wasn't here before I found it. And now it's my ugly sidekick. That's why they say it's my, this is my pussy.

Like, that is, it is the ultimate. This pussy, your pussy, this pussy is my pussy. It's like, um, something to your children here in America. It's like this, your pussy. Which, which is Republican men? That song. Yes. Oh my God.

Well, thank you for that story. I'm going to get it out. We'll be right back. Bad beats! Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares of our freshly honest and insightful take on parenting.

Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown-Oller, we will be your resident not-so-expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking. Oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone.

So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon music or Wondery app. I'm way back. Harry, are you ready? I'm ready. Yes, I mean, this is really,

my first relationship was when I was at 27, because I think my whole life was wanting to fall in love and get married and I got brainwashed by romantic comedy. So by the time I was 27, I met this person, and it was on the way. Which one was your favorite romantic comedy? Just like an idea of like what,

what, they are different. There was a spectrum. Say anything I loved. And then there's romantic films like Untamed Heart with a fish and cider Marissa Tome. He has a bat boon's heart and he dies and you know it's gonna happen and it's just a matter of, you know.

And then Love Story, 1970, Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw. Intense love, intense love. It's so much. So you were looking for that like gut wrenching. Yeah. But also there was some range. I like some kind of wonderful, which is John Hughes' really, it's an underrated classic.

Anyway. In my cousin, John. I was searching for some, like I said earlier, like these were my ex-ample. I mean, people are dying in a lot of those films that you like, but yeah, go on. Yeah, that is true. Wow, yeah.

I forgot that part. I was so in love, it's the love is. Okay, go on, go on, go on, sorry. So first relationship, 27, 28 ends terribly. So all my notions about, like, I found the one, this is everything it's supposed to be. This had the perfect story going in This is we're so matched up on paper. This is everything and that's like so that's when I really started dating after that relationship

kind of went to hell and So this is really about like me descending into New York dating life over the next like decade plus and coming out kind of a little scathing. So at this point, my mind is very warped. And so I planned a date with somebody that I had gone on a date or two with and we hit it off and it was casual and it was fun. And we had plans for that night, like dinner and then, you know, like hanging out. And I matched with somebody else and she said that she was free that night and I'm like, well, I'm already, I'm already have plans.

I'm like, well, are you free around 10? So my thinking was I would go on a date and then go on another date and just gotta be aware of the time and so which is look there's a lot of justification that had to happen mentally to make me okay with this choice like a lot of people do this though I just I don't think a lot of people do this a lot of women will especially in New York for like free dinner which I don't think you're that. A lot of people do this. A lot of women will, especially in New York for like free dinner, which I don't, I think that's awful. But a lot of people, it's like, blowed up because chances are that, like if the first

one's great, you're going to want to see them again and you don't need to sleep with them. A lot of people do this. You're already, again, you already barylcrolled the hair. Why waste it? That's good point. So what you're saying is it was, it was, it was right what I did. What I did was the right thing. So far, I have to next.

And then we go back to her place the first date and, um, you know, you know, we're making out and stuff. And what's up the seven 30 slot. Is there a slot here? What? That's amazing. It's early to be making out. That is early to be making out.

Yeah, sober. Yeah. It was probably within the first three dates, and I was still on my game. No, she means early, like, in the time of day. Not. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we were probably at her house probably by 830 or something.

So I'm thinking about it. Wow. Sun still up. Yeah, whatever. You had to climb down for your next date, it. It's like, please let me finish this story. Let me finish this story. So all of a sudden, she gets a text and she looks at me and like,

oh, so you know my friend, Julie. I'm like, what? Oh, no. What do you mean? And I'm like, I don't know any Julie. She's like, shows me a screen cap of the Bumble like exchange. Bumble, the don't know any Julie, she's like, shows me a screen cap of the bumble, like, exchange, bumble, the so-called feminist tinder,

which apparently I exploited. And I'm like, oh, oh, and there's, it's one of those situations where like, there's nothing you can say. No. Like, there's nothing you can say, like, literally. And I'm like, oh, you guys are friend, that's cool. We both are friends.

And she's like, so what were you playing to do? Just like, have sex with me and then head over there and then have sex with her and go home. And I'm like, I didn't assume any sex was going to happen. There are no assumptions. I didn't assume life happens, but there are no assumptions. I didn't assume anything. While you're smacking your rock card penis back down.

It's like, oh my god. And so she's like, maybe we should call Julie. And I'm like, I don't, I don't, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's Mari, she's, I'm Marth of it. And she's like, Julie's here right now. And so, Julie, everybody. And what I soon was going to happen at this point was that I was going to get yelled at, which I should have, or humiliated by like just like you piece of shit.

And what actually happened is they both laughed at me together for what felt like forever. Just laughed and laughed. Well, you're naked. No comment. And so that's, it's irrelevant. That's irrelevant. He didn't think sex was gonna happen Eliza. It doesn't matter.

I didn't know we were gonna think about that. But he was naked. So I just wanna put the, I might not, it doesn't matter. Was it a face time? So like there was a face laugh again at you? No, this was before, I think. Pre-fac-t, I was just, I-

No, it was not a face time, thank God. There was a face time at that point. So, um, and then I, I may or may not have put all my clothes, they might have been all already, and I left. And then I got home early. And the lesson with that is, do not lose yourself in your penis. That is the lesson.

No. Do not fundamentally lose everything you are in your penis. Yes. Oh my God, wait, so how did they put, how did they put two and two together? That is such a vast dating scene where they just like, I'm going out tonight with a guy called Harry and then the other one's like, so am I. They were friends, so they probably were just chatting about plans or who they were

seeing that night. Oh, I just met this guy and then all of a sudden it's like, okay, on Bumble, oh me too. What's your guys? And then they probably led to. Was it the same message? Did you send them both the same message? What up girl? I did not copy and paste. Are you asking me if I copy and and it probably led to, and the, was it the same message? Did you send them both the same message? What up girl? I did not copy and paste. Are you asking me if I copy and paste it? Yeah.

No, I did not copy and paste. Though at this point, I would understand why you would assume that at this moment. Ha ha ha ha. God, I've never heard of that actually happening in real life. It's weird, it feels like you watch so many romcoms when you were younger that you actually manifesto.

I've stumbled into one. Yeah, exactly. And then we both ended up together and we've been together ever since the three of us. Yeah. That's the ending. That's the Hollywood ending, everywhere at once. We live in Utah now. Wait, was she making out with you to trap you?

Did she know already before the date? She did not. No, no, no. No, know already before the date? And we're gonna see how far you take it. No, okay. She found out while I was there. Yes. Oh, holy shit. That is absolutely mortifying. I would ship myself.

What? I'm amazed you stayed as long as you did even to be laughter. I would have thrown myself out of the window. Yeah. Well, at that point, it was like, I'm not gonna, like, let me get, let me get the lesson that's due to me at this point. What am I supposed to do, run away?

Yeah, I am. I'm pocket in the microwave. I couldn't just leave. Yeah, exactly. We had 34 seconds on that bad boy. You know, my phone was plugged in. It was still in the red bar. I could just leave.

It wasn't I fun too. Oh, yeah. I still had two more hours It wasn't I fun too. Oh yeah. I still had two more hours till the third day to the night. I had some. Oh my god. You're nowhere to go. Oh my god. Can I tell you one more thing to make it worse?

Please. You were naked. This didn't happen in New York. It happened in the city I was visiting for a short period of time. That's even worse. Yeah. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why is that worse? Wait, why is that worse? I think it's worse because it's like the plan. You were there for something else entirely. You were just like, I'm gonna get it in as much as possible here. I have no feelings for any of these people. No, no, no. I was visiting my wife, which makes it even worse.

That was... Yeah, it was my daughter's recital. I was visiting my wife, which makes it even worse. That was... Yeah, it was my daughter's recital. I was visiting my wife and kid, and I had a business meeting, suppose, which is actually the start of a very terrible story that does not involve me. But yeah, no, no, it was, I was dating. I didn't know what was gonna happen.

It was making, hey, while the sun was shining. All right guys. What is that? Gathering, rose buds. It means get busy while you can. Yeah, exactly. You get it while the good is going in town for a little minute. Yeah.

Here for a good time, not a long time. You know what, I appreciate your hustle, Harry. Very New York. I've learned so much about you. These stories are like very telling about your characteristics. I really appreciate you telling these stories of me. Before you go, will you tell everyone where they can find you and what they can watch of you?

I'm Eliza Schlesinger and I produced several comedy specials for some emerging LA up and coming comics. It's an incredibly diverse lineup. It is three episodes of 10 minute comedy specials. We have 18 comics and it's called Eliza's Locals and it is out on YouTube now. So I invite you to come check out some new voices you haven't heard before and then go see them live. But I'm really proud of these comics. So check out Eliza's Locals on YouTube. All right. What do you want everyone to watch and see? All my handles are at Harry Kundevolu for all the socials.

I have a new special out called Vacation Baby that's available for free on YouTube about having a child during a global pandemic. And also includes a story where I kind of ghosted Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, and she has since forgiven me as of yesterday According to the Hill newspaper Amazing and Akila. Yeah, I'm on Twitter at Elon Musk

Akila obviously, but that was verified anymore. So if you find it Akila it may or may not be me I have a book called obviously stories from my timelineeline if you like reading, but I also have an audio book that I narrated, so whatever, see you thing. I love your voice, I'm gonna go listen to that right now. Thanks guys! Thanks so much you guys! Bad dates is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery, created by Robert Cohen. Executive producers are Robert Cohen and Jermila Jermil.

That's me! Produced by Stuart Bailey. Produced, engineered and edited by Devon Tori Bryant. Talent producer is Anne Harris. Associate producer is Maddie McCann. Music by Kushy and Evan Schletter. Executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Vaatman and Sean Hayes. Executive producers for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all about it, our

number is 984-265-3283 and our email is baddatespod at gmail.com. We can't wait to hear all about it. That's all for this week, we will see you next time for more. You can listen to bad dates early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.