Bad Friends - A Case Of Lululemon ft. Chris Distefano

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Starting point is 00:00:26 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey guys, bad friends. Listen, this is the last day. The tomorrow is the last day. I mean, tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts. Tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts. The competition.

Starting point is 00:00:39 And hopefully I'll be winning the competition because I'm ahead right now. No, I'm gonna live because this is better. Well, I'm ahead right now. This is a better shirt. Go to badfriendsmerch.com to get these badfriendsmerch.com. Also, we only have a chunk of dates left. Temecula, Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson, and we end in Vegas on 420, man.

Starting point is 00:00:56 Come check us out. Check us out. Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo. White dude and Asian dude. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Why dude? I'm an Asian dude.

Starting point is 00:01:07 You two are disgusting. Well you two are something. We're bad friends. We're back baby. You ready? Sing us a song. Idi Amin is my friend. No he's not. I'm sure he will be at the end.

Starting point is 00:01:23 Yes he will. That's it. That really brought me out to the... Happy New Year to you! No, no, no! New Year is over. Give me the love. No. Give me the truckin'. Give me the fudge. I don't know, man.

Starting point is 00:01:40 Chris DiStefano is town, down in town and we love him. He's thicky, thicky legs and a lot of gums in his mouth. Keep going. I'm just trying to do some things that AI won't be able to copy. No, AI's gonna copy all of us. They can't do that. Yeah they will.

Starting point is 00:01:59 Yes. They can't do that. Your AI was gonna be hilarious. Yes, it's gonna be like. Money I was talking about. You've shot, you've shot. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today They can't do that your AI was gonna be hilarious Ladies gentlemen our guest today is it one of our oldest and dearest friends who we love so much it's Chris Is looking real svelte my mother used to say svelte when she meant like a thick boy status. You like that? A thick boy. You know what it is?

Starting point is 00:02:26 It's the corduroy shirt. I think corduroy shirts, I don't know what it is. I just feel like I'm like a blanket. What are we... You know what you're doing? You're doing the Mark Marin route. Yeah. What does that mean?

Starting point is 00:02:37 That. That look. The whole look is the Mark Marin, except for the shoes. Right. And the pants. Marin would never wear it. Why? Tape it off pants. Oh, that's true. Lululemins. I don't think Marin would wear Lululemins.

Starting point is 00:02:45 Yeah, yeah. No, no. Lululemins. Lululemins. Although he is sour, so he might wear Lululemins. Is that Lululemins? Lululemins. Do you have a men's department?

Starting point is 00:02:52 Yes. OK, Bern. You ready for this? What? I've been in there. I've never seen this. Of course they have a men's department. You've been in the men's department?

Starting point is 00:02:58 Also, it's gender fluid, dude. It is. Lululem's gender fluid. Do you know about the creator? Do you know why he named it Lululemins? I'm not making this up. Can we make a guess? Yes. Okay, so Lulu. It's gotta be somebody's name Lemon it sounds like fruit. No. Oh, you ready? You're good. This is this is damn dude. You're good. No With you know Sherlock Holmes is on the crime scene you got he's got to put evidence and you're my what's this guy guys name I'm Sherlock you're the your Sherlock why can I be Sherlock you're a hundred you're not sure what

Starting point is 00:03:32 already more already you're more more eardy already yeah you're Watson I'm home I'll be Watson or that you show up at the scene well now we've got a case of Lulu lemon on our hands. What do you think Watson? Well I think. Well I think why? What is Lulu lemon? Why are you Asian again? You gotta be British. Oh sorry. Hello hello hello. I don't know. I don't know. Sherlock. Sherlock. Dude even your even your British is Why is it called Lulu lemon it's called Lulu lemon and again you can Google this because the founder of Lulu lemon Was like a known racist and he named it that so Chinese people couldn't pronounce it shut the fuck I swear to God dude Google it okay Lulu lemon founder makes names it so Chinese can't yeah funny to watch Japanese people try to say it oh this guy's the best say it

Starting point is 00:04:33 say it say it what say Lulu lemon Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Ruru Rururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururururur exotic for them. This is a direct quote. Wow. I was playing with Elzin came up with Lulu Lemon. It's funny to watch them try to say it. Wilson was quoted as saying, this guy, what's this guy's net worth? This guy made so much money being a bigot. This just shows you kids, you can be racist and still be rich. Yes. The whole idea of like racism is bad is not a real idea. Look at Lulu Lemon. Made up by the media. Chip Wilson is his name. Great name. 68 years old, $6.8 billion. Billion dollars. Say billion. Billion. See, they can't do that either. Let's say we're, you know, creating a company and we want a top Lulu Lemon. How would we name it? Um.

Starting point is 00:05:37 Little lady London. Little little lady London. Yeah. it gotta be where we are H H&L's yeah, cuz it goes to Hari. Yeah Harry Mary no Harry Mary's How about you're part of the group Harry mayor Because it's got to be things that we're saying Asian people can't pronounce Yeah, so a lot of L's and ours and L? Ours and L's. Yeah. Harry Mary's, Harry Mary Larry's, Harry, Harry, Harry, Mary, Larry's. Contrary. Contrary. Little. Yeah. Little, Little Lizard loves ladies.

Starting point is 00:06:19 Oh, the Little Lizard loves ladies. That's it. Little Lizard's love ladies. That's our company. That's it. So the store opens, opens right you're a Japanese person. I know you know you're the Japanese I'm Chip Wilson. Yeah, I'm the I'm the bigot that owns this and I'll be a customer. Yeah, I could all right So what I'm the Japanese guy. Yeah, you're my partner. We opened it together. Oh, I see. Yeah, okay, so How you feeling about the store opening today really good really good. I'm so excited you fix the sign out front I think the letters were out. What did it say when you were out there? What do you mean? The business name was all I could you told me to get all the leather in here in Japan? Yeah, we don't have the airs and no else. No I had to go get it from America. Wow. So you fuck you. Sorry. Right. So I had to get a ship down and import

Starting point is 00:07:09 it here. Uh huh. Right. So it came last night at three in the morning. You put it up though. What? You put up the sign? Yeah. What was the name of the... We forgot. What was the name of our store again? Oh, well there's a customer here. Hi. Oh, hello. We're not open. We open five minutes. Hi. Excuse me. Hello. We open five minutes. No, welcome them into our store and say the name. Say welcome to... I forgot the name. Little Lizard.

Starting point is 00:07:32 Hold on. Hold on. Shut the fuck up. I forgot the name of my daughter. Well, you better go outside and look. Oh, good. Look. Look. Look. Oh, hey. How you doing? What's your name? Welcome to... Welcome to... What is it?

Starting point is 00:07:43 Little... Little... Little what? Lizard? Little, little What is it? Little. Little. Little. Little what? Lizard. Little lizard. Little lizard. Little lizard ladies. Lucky.

Starting point is 00:07:53 Welcome to little lizard leggy lucky lucky. Hi. Hi. Hi. Thank. Welcome. I just saw this store. Little lizard leggy rocky rocky.

Starting point is 00:08:04 Yes. It looks amazing in here. I don't even know what we're selling, but welcome to Rocky Rocky. You know, I'm a woman from America. Yeah, we can tell. Yeah, we know. I'm a lady from America and I'm from Japan.

Starting point is 00:08:20 So it looked like they had something to fit me. Nothing in here. No, there's so much product. I know. Look at all the stuff we have. Oh, that's true Well, I don't think you I don't think you'd fit into our stuff. Oh, yeah I thought I thought I could no I don't think so. I think you're a little too beefy for us You're too beefy for us. Yeah, yeah, I don't know how to know. Yeah, reject her No, no, yeah, reject her. In Japan, we say stuff like, get the fuck out of here. Bitch.

Starting point is 00:08:44 Yeah, you fucking. Give me a sword. Give me a sword. You can kill yourself. Yeah. Anyway, that's okay. We're going to open up a shop. Yes.

Starting point is 00:08:52 Oh, by the way, now that we're on Asians, let's talk all things Asian now. Yeah, I'm sorry, by the way, Bobby, for. You brought it up again. I want to say that I want to start off also to before apologize for last time I was in here two years ago. I apologize for immediately coming onto the show and pushing my eyes back and yelling Donald Trump in your face.

Starting point is 00:09:11 But he's running again. So yeah. So if it happens again, did you get in trouble for it? No, no. No, you get some heat online. Be honest. No, sometimes. But I just because when you did that,

Starting point is 00:09:21 you know what they say about me now? What? That Bobby hates his own. Yes. Because I I watched that happen and I what they say about me now? Why? That Bobby hates his own. Yes. Because I watched that happen and I don't think they shit. Right. So online now I can say Bobby hates his himself. You know how?

Starting point is 00:09:32 And where he comes from and his ethnicity. So fuck you, dude. No, because no one happens. Fuck you, don't talk, don't talk. Because people have messaged me and said, just because he laughs at that doesn't mean you can say that about all Asian people and they're right. And they're right. So I want to know, but I want to say to them, I want to say to the Asian, to the people who are married, I am very sorry.

Starting point is 00:09:52 You know how in that, you know how they say in the black community, they say, Uncle Tom, yeah, your uncle Chang, Uncle Chang. Uncle Chang. I need Uncle Chang. Somebody online making Uncle Chang shirt. Maybe I'm Uncle Chang. Uncle Chang right now. I think it's right in society, but in the chambers and also in the ecosystem of comedy. Come on, fine.

Starting point is 00:10:20 It should be sad. Give me a break. So in the Asian world, I want to congratulate Stephen Yon and Ali Wong and the entire cast and crew of Beef for a break. So in the Asian world I want to congratulate Steven Young and Ali Wong and the entire cast and crew of beef for a way and Andrew's on the show So give them a round of applause Andrew just won a fucking golden. I did first of all I didn't win a golden globe. Did you go but you're part of it? No He's a part of it. I have nothing to do with it right you're in the show. I'm on a couple episodes. I'm a guest star Yeah, so give him a round of applause. No, no, no, I didn't win anything They did and also more importantly than that I just want to get that out of the way because this one's...

Starting point is 00:10:46 I just wanted to do... You know, you start with something nice and then you go back. I do want to congratulate Korea as a whole. Yes. They finally announced that they are banning the consumption of dog meat in Korea. Woo! But that ran away. There's like two or three more years. Yeah, it's not going to be until 2055, but it is going to happen. No, I'm dead serious. It is going to be a long time.

Starting point is 00:11:04 What do they say? They're banning it? I don't agree with it. I think they should if it's culture and it's customary to do that then they should do that and not take the dog meat away from the people who love the dog meat because there's pressure from the Western world to do that. I think if you and your people want to eat dog meat if you are dog meat eating people then you should continue to eat your dog meat with your chopsticks and sit on the floor. No, no, no. Well they have till 2027 to stop up. By the way, everyone's just gonna have fritters, it's freezers filled with dogs. Hey, I know.

Starting point is 00:11:29 Just to find out, I'm gonna get you a pet go, I'm gonna get you a pet go membership so you can have me for your family. Dude, all the shelters are like, these, all these dogs are adopted. It's crazy. Look at this. It says it's gonna go into effect in 2027.

Starting point is 00:11:45 And also that's after a three, and then a three year transition period. So 2030, they'll have to stop. What do you think? So by 2030, they'll go, all right guys, we gotta start slowing this down. Do you have a dog? No, exactly.

Starting point is 00:11:57 I don't. It sounds like it. I don't want animals. I have no problem with animals. But you live with three animals. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. We have three kittens. And I live, I have, no, I don't want, I have, I have kids.

Starting point is 00:12:09 I have three children. Yeah. That's enough. But I don't want, I don't want any animals. And I don't hate animals. I just don't want to have to clean up there. But have you ever bonded with a dog or a cat? No.

Starting point is 00:12:21 Like, have had a relationship with one? Never. Never. Never? Never. Never. You've never had one as a kid or nothing? Well, that's the problem. Well, because you know what happened? Because if you had, you would have sent some bullshit like you did two minutes ago.

Starting point is 00:12:30 Well, I'll tell you what. That's fucking bullshit. The reason why is because when I was a little kid, my mom came home with a Dalmatian, and then that Dalmatian, I let it go into the basement, and then it ate all the clerks, and I found its dead body and that and that Disconnected me from having pets and you know what I named that Dalmatian Cruella And then you know what my father said to my mother you know what I overheard my father saying to my mother I named the baby Cruella after I named the dog Cruella. He said to my mom. He said Lynn. I think our kids gay Because I named it my favorite movie was 101 Dalmatians

Starting point is 00:13:04 That was your favorite was your favorite movie 101 Dalmatians with Glenn Close when she played Corella and that's why I named my dog after and then the dog ate bleach and died in my basement and that's why I don't want dogs. But I would have because I care about culture more than anything and I want to make sure the people who have attacked me online know that I care about culture more than anything. And if that dog would if I would that happened to me today and that I found that dog

Starting point is 00:13:26 dead in the basement of my house, I would give it to Bobby as an offer for meal for your family. And I would let you have a feast over my animal for you and your brothers and sisters. Well, thank you. What was your favorite movie as a kid that would be misconstrued like that as kind of like gay

Starting point is 00:13:42 or like what did you love as a kid that you were like embarrassed about? You didn't want any of your friends to find out about it. As a kid? Yeah, like I'll get my example what he's saying about 101. Like I loved Phantom of the Opera as a kid and I don't even like, I fucking hate musicals. I had an Andrew Lloyd Webber poster in my fucking room. I swear to God dude.

Starting point is 00:14:04 I fucking thought Phantom was like the coolest shit and it was so gay. Yeah, like everyone I knew was like, Andrew Lloyd, were you like composers? I was like nine. Yeah, I liked that movie Little Women. Maybe far away or maybe real nearby. Annie did.

Starting point is 00:14:22 Dude. That was yours? Annie? Keep going though, was yours? Annie? Wow. Keep going though, will you sing more? I don't know the rest of that song. We'll just make it. Me, let's start with the beginning. Do you know that song?

Starting point is 00:14:33 Yeah. She's on the windowsill. Yeah. With the little red hair. Yeah. I think that's why. That's why you and I are in love? You're my Annie.

Starting point is 00:14:40 Yeah. Honestly, I'm trying to help you. You know how when people look at redheads, they get repulsed or they have this? Okay. No, I'm trying to you know how you know how when people look at red has they get repulsed or they okay No, I'm just being some people get repulsed and they want to vomit and stuff people Which is some people are like that when I saw you for the first time nothing I was all normal human being I feel normal like I feel like you connected with me. He's a banny. Yes. Some people look at you They go, you know, I mean whatever you know my my note people with red hair, right? Am I not right? No when I first when you see the freckles in the vagina is there like

Starting point is 00:15:09 Freckles on the vagina some red head Anyway when I saw you I was like Jackie Chan got fat as fuck, but I was excited that you got an economy Yes, yeah Jackie Chan. That's fun. Well, that's my childhood if you know, yeah, but Jackie Chan That's what you came up with right now look up fat Jackie Chan and see if it's not you online Yeah, watch look at fat Jackie Chan Pat marita, maybe no fat Jackie Chan fat Jackie Chan There it is fourth. No first image on the second row second row first image boom Bobby Lee Wow boom That's him playing Kim John

Starting point is 00:15:41 I don't know Anyway, if they don't cast I love it If they don't cast you as that. I love Annie. If they don't cast you as that. All right. Seriously. So Annie was your thing as a kid? I loved Annie, yeah. Did you not tell anybody?

Starting point is 00:15:50 No, nobody. You're embarrassed about it? Well, I like that with music too. Like, you know, I don't tell people like Sarah McLaughlin. Whoa. She's so good. Oh, she is? I love her.

Starting point is 00:15:59 Really? But she's great. She's great. I didn't know that. She's good now? Yeah. Yeah. Anya. Anya's great. Anya's great, right? Give me a more embarrassing now. Yeah, and yeah And he's great. It's great, right? I mean a more embarrassing band if you're gonna give me a band that's embarrassing give me somebody that's like you

Starting point is 00:16:09 You're it's like I used to get Charles Manson's music Charles you mean Marilyn Manson? No Charles Manson Who's to keep all right? Oh, they're so good. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What's your embarrassing band? Since when I was a kid or like currently oh I know you have way more now than then yeah some reason um back then um I used to I used to love Well like I remember that song I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world It's fantastic made a plastic I would put on that song when I was

Starting point is 00:16:43 Winding down in the gym to get me pumped up and I would imagine myself singing that song to all my classmates. I don't know why but I love that. That's, I always imagine myself singing songs and I remember being at Force Fitness and Ridgewood Queens on the treadmill hitting it at 9.0 with incline going, I'm a Bobby girl. And but meeting it dead seriously with a CD, you know, cassette, you know, the CD Walkman. And I listened to a lot of NSYNC. I loved NSYNC. I loved Backstreet Boys. I would listen to all that.

Starting point is 00:17:16 And right now my favorite band is the 1975. I go to all their concerts. You're friends with these guys? Well, yes, I've slowly but surely slowly become friends with one of the best days I had in my life was about three weeks ago when I was texting the lead singer, Maddie Healy, and I said something to him and I made him laugh and I screenshot it and saved it and asked Jasmine to print it out. And she called me an FA double G. Oh, yeah. A fajo. A fajo.

Starting point is 00:17:39 A fajo. Let me ask you something. Are there people? Okay. As you get, as we get a name, right? Sometimes people that we didn't like before now like us, cause they were famous or whatever. And then we start liking, I don't want a name name. Name name. Is there anyone like that where you're like,

Starting point is 00:17:54 before you had, you were Chris DiStefano, you're like, ah, fuck that guy. But now that you know what I mean, they're reaching out to you, let's hang out. Then you like them now. No, I think what's happened though is like people that I used to like tweet at, you know, like, like just talking shit having fun in 2012 2013, where I was just like letting stuff rip.

Starting point is 00:18:14 That's how I used to be. Yeah. They've now, you know, some of those people I've seen it like Joey Fatone from in sync. You know, I'm now a couple fun guy, you know, we never really spoke. But I know that, you know, but I'm, you know, in 2013, 2014, for no reason, I would just tweet, you know, you know, just crazy stuff about Joey Fatone for no reason. I would, you know, for no reason. I don't even actually remember what I would,

Starting point is 00:18:39 I would like just random days. I'd be like, hey, what's up? Good morning on this beautiful Wednesday. I just want to say I fucking hope Joey Fatone falls off a cliff No, really, yeah, literally zero zero zero remember that shit or no No, no, no, but you know now I know people are close friends and I've been around him a couple times He's such a great guy that I like regret doing up But I was literally tweeting stuff back then, you know, I've tweeted I was talking to Don

Starting point is 00:19:04 DePeta about this who I always travel with, who just got a haircut. I think it looks very nice. He shaved his beard too. He shaved his beard, he looks good, he looks like a good boy. And I told him that there's so many things when people weren't listening,

Starting point is 00:19:14 people weren't listening at all in 2011. I would just tweet and think it was funny to the 100 people in different times. And then sometimes they'll pop up or a guy around my social media would say hey You know do you want me to permanently delete this tweet? And I always say no I'm just like whatever but like I would just say not shit back then That you know could cause a lot of time today. I want to know who you're talking about well

Starting point is 00:19:37 I think we can blanket. I know here's what to say Oh, so what I'm saying is that there's one guy that I was that that he was a fan of and maybe I would make fun of or Whatever, but what I actually summon person I acted like Like a fucking bitch who who Corey Feldman Wow So I was like at a premiere and I was sitting in next to Kalilah And I bear in holds was sitting in here and I looked to my left. I go And you got so tight you got all I got so shy you got hyped up about it Did he even acknowledge you?

Starting point is 00:20:05 And I looked over and I walked up to him and I go, hey, and his bodyguard, he goes, hey, I'm a big fan. And then Corey put his sunglasses down and he goes, hello. And you know how they should shake like this? And then you have to reach out. Right? It's not this.

Starting point is 00:20:20 I don't like that. No, I love it. This is so fucked up. Not this. It's like many hit looks. This. They No, I love it. This is so fucked up not this is like mini hit list They leave a gap. So you put your fingers in there and you slide it. Oh, you pack man. Did yeah, yeah You pack man it's like a toaster and you put your fucking hand. How long do you leave it in there two or three? Two minutes. Yeah. Yeah, I want it like medium burn. Are you still friends with him?

Starting point is 00:20:41 Yeah, what are you still friends with never got his number his number, nothing. But he goes, hello, like this. Put this song where he went like this, and went like this. And the guy, so the bodyguard goes, big fan, and he goes, doesn't even look at me, and he goes, hello. Then I figure it out for two minutes, right? Ding! Right? And then I walk out.

Starting point is 00:21:00 I want Corey Feldman on the show. Get on the show, Corey, if you wanna fucking come on the show. The only thing I'm gonna have, I'm gonna, you know, grew up in New York, a big Yankees fan, New York Yankees fan, and Bernie Williams at Center Field for the Yankees was always my favorite baseball player. And then out of nowhere one day,

Starting point is 00:21:16 I got a message from Bernie Williams' Instagram. You know, it wasn't him, his guy runs it. He was like, hey, Bernie Williams knows your comedy. His daughter is a fan. He wants to know if you wanna to perform at his 50th birthday party. All the Yankees will be there, Joe Torrey, N.A. Rod, N.G. Der, N.Pasada, all these guys.

Starting point is 00:21:33 And for me, I was like, oh my god, I was like, I have to do this. Like, this is like a dream come true. And I went out there for Bernie Williams' 50th birthday. In front of, in a room this size, it was a private obviously party with the classic, you know, 4th World Series title winning New York Yankees.

Starting point is 00:21:52 And I absolutely bombed. Yeah. For 15 minutes in front of them all to the point where Bernie Williams, Bernie Williams was like, on his own, you know, while I was bombing, like started clapping me off. He was like, happy birthday to me know while I was bombing like started clapping me off. He's like happy birthday to me Yeah, and now what are you feeling when that's happening it literally I swear to God

Starting point is 00:22:13 I was locking eyes with Joe Torrey who was like the legendary, you know manager of the team and he did not Crack a smile nothing. He was just looking at me. I almost felt like he was saying, like, just dude, please sir, just stop. Stop it. Stop it. The only person who was laughing was Bernie Williams' manager who booked me who thought it was absolutely hilarious and I was just eating my day.

Starting point is 00:22:34 Why didn't you bomb? Must be the funniest thing imaginable. Well, you laugh a lot, I'm sure. You're like, kind of laugh your way out. Because you're not gonna care. I don't think, I think in your mind, you're smiling, you have a smirk. Right.

Starting point is 00:22:44 And you know you're bombing? Yes. You know,'re self-aware. I'm self-aware. Yeah Yes, I'm self-aware. I felt the sweat running down my back onto the top of my ass crack Yeah, even though it was the middle of the winter. Yeah, I saw a rod. I mean not caring I did the best I absolutely could I cursed way too much. There were kids in the audience It was absolutely the wrong choice. And I ate it really, really hard in front of my absolute hero. Not even that much money was an opportunity. It was just an opportunity. And then I did the same thing about four years later

Starting point is 00:23:16 for the owner of the New York Mets. I bombed even harder for the, I swear to God, I bombed even harder for the New York Mets staff. And Tommy Metola, Tommy Metola was there. Great guy. Famous music producer. Famous music producer. And I said, I was bombing again hard.

Starting point is 00:23:31 And I said to him, I said, Tommy, I said, Tommy Metola, I said, Tommy, you know, your ex-wife, Mariah Carey, I said, I had a picture of her in my locker. And again, you know, just, I didn't even know where that was going to go. Why? I don't know. I have no idea why. And he goes, and he said, you know, just I didn't even know where that was going to go. Why? I don't know. I have no idea why. And he goes, and he said, you know, something happened. I said something after that.

Starting point is 00:23:50 And then Tommy Mottola in the middle of it, he goes, hey, it goes, why don't you, why don't you talk about my ex-wife again? He goes, that was a good one. Shopify. You guys, you know, Andrew and I, bad friends, we have an online store. We sell stuff online. And Shopify is the way to go. If you're gonna do that, guys,

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Starting point is 00:26:34 details and important safety information. And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. And then I bombed that, but the owner of the Met Sun became close personal friends with me. So now I got in with the Met through bombing at his event at the Met. Son became close personal friends with me, so now I got in with the Met through bombing at his event at the owner. So there you go, any game. Yeah, sometimes bombing pays off. Bombing pays off. Not with the Yankees.

Starting point is 00:26:54 The Yankees have now, the Yankees have said I'm not like, what's the matter anymore. Yeah, but that makes sense. You can't bomb with the Yankees. Can't bomb, can't bomb with the Yankees. Wow. And because I'm friends with the Met, can't do anything really with the Yankees anymore. Wow. Kind of lost my Yankees privileges.

Starting point is 00:27:05 But you're a diehard Yankees fan. I am, but you know. That's a weird predicament. It's a weird thing. I don't like it. Because I'm city first, the whole thing of having two sports teams in a city just sucks. I hate that. Like Chicago, there's only one team to choose.

Starting point is 00:27:20 That's the Cubs. Right. It's the Cubs. The Cubs, you just choose them. Yeah, you love those Bumps. Nobody's going to root for the White So socks, but the Yankees and Mets, they both have great fans. Yeah, that's different. You don't get killed if you go to Shea Stadium. No, no, it's just a city feel now. Yeah, yeah, it's... No, no, Shea Stadium. Okay, Shea Stadium. But uh... Shouldn't we reserve the name for what it is? Like, I still call it Staple Center.

Starting point is 00:27:40 I don't call it Crypto when I go downtown. It's called the Staple Center. No. I'm not gonna give it up. I'm gonna stick it out. You should it's not crypto crypto. I'm going to the crypto If I call it the crypto comm arena if I transition and my name is fucking Barbara. Call me Barbara your name is Bobby No, Barbara. I met you as Bobby. I don't care. I don't get a number I don't give a shit if you cut off your dick in front of me your name is Bobby my pussy will be real tight It's just bo bb. I that's all it is. Oh good point. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I would you leave it? No, you'll be bi Can you that no, I'll be all tough like keep the E please all right Bobby? Fuck it. Have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of a celebrity? I

Starting point is 00:28:22 Don't know if I'm I was I have one. Okay, you go. I was at Maria Munoz's Christmas party. What? Ooh, yummy. You know who that is? She's beautiful. Everybody knows Maria Munoz, what the fuck you thought about? But this is 15 years ago.

Starting point is 00:28:34 Like she doesn't know who I am. Yeah. But that year she did. She still doesn't know who you are. Yeah. I know. Maria Munoz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:42 Maria Munoz thinks she hosted the Golden Globes. Yeah. Maria Munoz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maria Munoz thinks you hosted the Golden Globes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with her what movie it was a Jamie K. They were kicking her old school. Oh kicking she's in yeah right she's like the love interest so I'm at her party and I'm like by myself sitting at a couch in some backyard I'm sitting next to a guy I swore to fuck that I thought he was like a software engineer mm-hmm you know he's wearing glasses you know me a white dude white nerd yeah like he's editor he looks like an editor okay right right so he's like hey you do come they go yeah Kill it. I like to kind of look at him like that because I don't like no one else will talk to me. Steven Spielberg. No, it's no, but he goes, what's it like? I go, yeah, I'm just playing these rooms, 150, 200 selling them out. So you're boasting. I'm boasting.

Starting point is 00:29:38 Yeah, like an idiot. Yeah. In this movie, you know, we'll see what happens. And I talk about myself for like 30 minutes. Nice. For 30 minutes, I talk about myself, right? And I was, when I was leaving, I got off, I got to see you later, dude. And I walk up and then, I forgot it was Jamie or somebody came up to me and goes,

Starting point is 00:29:56 dude, what's Josh Groban like? Oh. Oh, there's Josh Groban. Yeah. And I go, oh, what? You just talking to Josh Grobe over like 30 minutes. You had no idea. No, I had never, yeah. I had heard his name.

Starting point is 00:30:08 I just couldn't put a face to the name. And then shame. No. Oh, seriously. The grobe's still like you. No, I still want to turn around and go, dude, I'm a loser. No, no, no. Well, what you're having is, you're

Starting point is 00:30:22 having that spotlight kind of thing where you think they're thinking about you and upset it But he didn't he didn't know he but I know but if he's just settling out Probably theaters or whatever he's selling out right. I'm saying I'm selling out the Sacramento punchline right it doesn't fucking look good Yeah, he's not a comic so exactly it's different if he was a comedian it'd be weirder, but he's a musician. It's two different world I guarantee you're a big star. I guarantee you I Comic so exactly it's different if he was a comedian it'd be weirder, but he's a musician. It's two different worlds You're a big star. I guarantee you I Bobby I guarantee I guarantee you do fuck you dude. I guarantee you thank you so much Josh Groban went home I guarantee you Josh Groban went home told his wife or party said we got to go see Margaret show

Starting point is 00:31:01 and went home, told his wife or partner, he said, we got to go see Margaret Cho. She just told me how well she's doing. And then he went and saw Margaret Cho, and she couldn't understand why he was at the show because she thought he was with you. So it's fine. Very good. I had a very good... Did I tell you the Australian story about Russell Crowe?

Starting point is 00:31:21 No, you never... You told me. No, that's the best story. You got to say that story. Say the story, because you know what? I'm going to take Bar from Marcus Riles and the Stoics. You never step in the same river twice. That's right. And also, I also got to say that. And I think I'm doing a movie with them.

Starting point is 00:31:34 With Russell? With Russell Crowe. In two months. So should I be careful? I said like locked in, so it's like... Are you gladiator too? No. I want you to... What?

Starting point is 00:31:42 Are you gladiator too? Are you gladiator to Are you? You got a present. Yeah, let's see what the gift that you fuck yourself. No, no, no Bobby Hold on. Let me see He brought us something back from there is Little Bobby. Oh, no, I know what it is a little buck crack. I know what it is It's a it's probably something that's gonna make me take a nap. Oh weed. No, I know what it is. It's a it's probably something that's gonna make me take a nap. Oh weed No, I know what it is

Starting point is 00:32:08 This is from fancy brought us back from Spain because he got back from Spain Spain. Oh look at this Is this an astray? What is stupid mask? Is it a? It's a personal mask Is that for the next pandemic? What is that? It's a personal love. Is that for the next pandemic? What is that? No. Get out of here.

Starting point is 00:32:27 Actually, honestly, these are cool, dude. Yeah, these are very... Poppy's just gonna be broken. He threw it on the floor. His fingers are all bloody. Does this go on my wall? These are great. Now, is this for good luck?

Starting point is 00:32:39 Yes. The price tag's in here. No. $6.99. Fucking cheap. Cheap. These are beautiful. Oh, look at this one. That one looks more like you. Yes, because those are the eyes are closer together. What is this one? This is not luck. Yeah. It's death, I see. Is it death? So fancy explain

Starting point is 00:32:54 what are these? What are these called? What is this called? It's called Sargadelo, which is a ceramic company. Sargadelo. In Galicia. What does Sargadelo mean? And there's, no, it doesn't mean anything. It's just the name of Sorgadelo mean? And there's, no, it doesn't mean anything. It's just the name of the guy who created it. And it's all based on like the mythology of the Celtic region where Galicia is from. Wow. So all of this. Did you understand anything he just said?

Starting point is 00:33:16 No, but these are one of those things 200 years from now, like at the antique roach show. It's gonna be worth like 500 grand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easily. It could be. Because it has one of those marks. So I could see it at an antique store and somebody was buying it for a dollar and then going to antique.

Starting point is 00:33:29 Some guys like, this is a Sargadello. I don't even know where you got this from. Yes. But the fact that you have a Sargadello. Yeah, yeah. You know, in good condition, these things would auction for anywhere between 250 to $400,000.

Starting point is 00:33:43 This, my friend, is an impeccable condition. A sarger dello like I've never seen. And may I? He still has the box. Oh my god, in the box and the papers. Rarely do we ever see the box. We never see the box. We never see the box.

Starting point is 00:33:54 But, oh wow. I would value this at anywhere between 700,000 and 4.8 billion dollars, given an auction. This is very nice, Fancy. Thank you so very much. Are you gonna put that up in the house the sacred Dallas? This is gonna go in my garage. There you go. Yeah, my fucking house. What are you out of your mind? No way? I value my home. Um, there you go. Well, you know, we should we should bring this to an antique store

Starting point is 00:34:14 See how long it would take for them to sell it. You know, what's gonna really happen. We're gonna leave it in the studio Never see it. Oh, that's right. That's right. I thought I'd leave it here. Can I have it? No bring back a gift for my kids No, bring back a gift for my kids. No, no So stupid so here I was down in Australia shooting shooting that that movie and we were out I'm gonna say it. Well, really scenic. It says come on. Yeah, we're out. I was at Where this is Nate too many names, but we're at Zac Efron's house when we were drinking and hanging out And then Pete Fairley the director calls and goes hey, do you want to go to Russell Crowe's house? and hanging out and then Pete Fairley, the director calls and goes, Hey, do you want to go to Russell Crowe's house?

Starting point is 00:34:48 And immediately I was like, yeah, what the fuck? Of course I want to go to. But there's a little bit of social anxiety come up even a tad bit like shit, don't blow in front of Russell Crowe, even though I know you've been around everybody. No, because we were with so many people. I knew it wasn't a small get together. There were already people at his house, so it made me feel comfortable in that. If it was just us, I'd be a little fucked up about it. Right. I'd be like, I don't want to go to gladiators house, right? So

Starting point is 00:35:06 He's like yeah, dude. He's got a great crib. He's gonna have us over so we're drinking and and I'm getting a little stony and We show up to the gladiators house. Mm-hmm, and it's exactly the way you think it would be it's fucking Beautiful, I mean beautiful on the water and everything. Yeah, like we don't I don't deserve to be there Right, you know, I took my shoes off and then one of the guys was like, put your shoes back. I thought we were gonna, I took my shoes off because I thought, don't you take your shoes off? I mean you people, don't you take your shoes off? Yeah, yeah. When I go to people's houses I take my shoes off. Well, I always, because my family's Puerto Rican, I take my shoes off but I always have a

Starting point is 00:35:38 backup of chancletas. He's a legendary actor, right? A-list. A-list, legendary. Yes, legend. If I was walking to like Robert De Niro's house, I'd be very aware about not touching things. I wouldn't go. I wouldn't probably go. I'd blow it. But my point is there are some people like that and then there are some people like,

Starting point is 00:35:56 ah, fuck it. I'm gonna throw the glass down. Yeah. So who would be like Steve Buscemi? Would you be nervous going to his house? No, he lives in a house Buscemi lives in some kind of I would be excited I would go to that one for sure. Yeah, yeah Yeah, it's there is teeth on gold bloom. I'd want to see gold bloom. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun

Starting point is 00:36:19 I want to see where he lives. I want to see where Tom Cruise lives. I Want to see really you wouldn't would you go to his party? I would go to Tom Cruise's party Yeah, I would a hundred percent go to Tom. Hey, what's up? You gotta take off all your clothes before you come in Leave your shoes on take your clothes. They say knows everybody's name. He remembers everybody's name Tom Cruise That is supposedly what that's my house on Staten Island I would go to one Tom Cruise party, but you wouldn't make it out. Right. You'd have to stay. Right. That's what I've heard.

Starting point is 00:36:47 They'd say, once you go in, you don't come out. Yeah. Well, you know, you know, get out. He does get in. Get in. Get in. Did I ever tell you my Phil Collins story when I met Phil Collins? No.

Starting point is 00:37:02 I told the story. I thought I told it here, maybe I didn't. It's one of my specials, but so I get to go, I get invited to the Knicks game, right? This is like 2016. So it was Easter Sunday and the Knicks in Philadelphia 76ers were the bottom of the league. They were the last place NBA teams.

Starting point is 00:37:22 So nobody wanted to go on Easter Sunday and sit court side at the next game. Like I was very, I had never gotten a call. I knew some people at MSG, but I never gotten the call to sit courtside. So they call me the morning of, they're like, listen, we got two empty seats. You can sit courtside, okay?

Starting point is 00:37:40 Bring somebody. Don't talk to anybody. Okay, this is, you know, Madison Square Garden. Don't talk to anybody. Okay, this is, you know, Madison Square Garden. Don't talk to anybody. Don't talk to anybody. They said there probably will be a cup. They said, we know there are a couple of other big celebrities that are gonna be sitting around you guys.

Starting point is 00:37:53 Don't acknowledge them. Don't talk to them like, you know, we're giving you this opportunity, you know, for whatever. But it was because it was Easter Sunday and it was the last place teams and people didn't wanna go. So I call my dad. So my father's like 100% I'm in, you know,

Starting point is 00:38:06 he's just sitting in the upper rafters, whatever. So we go and we sit down and my dad immediately start, I was sitting here, my dad was in the middle and then there was famous guy sitting next to him and my dad immediately starts talking to this guy. Just immediately starts talking to him, chatting him up, talking about crazy shit, you know? And I swear to God, I didn't, talking about crazy shit, you know?

Starting point is 00:38:25 And I swear to God, I didn't even look over to see who it was because I was like wildly embarrassed but I'm not going to tell my dad not to say anything. So I hear my dad telling this guy that his son's a comedian. I hear it. And then, and then so, and my dad, he's talking and my dad goes, Chris, where, where, where are you again? Next weekend, I'm like, this guy's gonna come show. I swear to Christ, I was performing

Starting point is 00:38:47 at Banana's Comedy Club. I've been there. It's inside of Holland Express in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey. It's off the side of Route 17. Yeah. So it wasn't even remotely close to being sold out. Like I had sold like 100 tickets

Starting point is 00:39:00 over the course of a weekend. Is that the old Jewish couple that own it? Yes. But after you're done, I gotta tell you something. Is that the old Jewish couple that owned it? Yes. Yeah. I got to tell you something. Yeah. So I'm like, bananas comedy club. Because, yeah, so I said, you know, don't bananas comedy club down. But I said, we're not supposed to be talking to these people.

Starting point is 00:39:13 Like, just let's watch the game. And I hear my dad and me, they go, yeah, bananas comedy club. That's where it'll be. If you are in New York, you know, come through. And then I'm like, OK, so my dad, you know, he's talking whatever. He had Easter candy, okay? The guy, my dad was talking about Easter candy. And he's giving my dad Easter candy.

Starting point is 00:39:32 And I'm like, oh my God, and my dad's like, can I bear it, what do you want? I was like, I don't want any candy. Just trying to watch the game. So they put Phil Collins, my father was talking to Phil Collins, he had no idea. He had no idea who Phil, he has no idea who Phil Collins is, father was talking to Phil Collins. He had no idea, he had no idea who Phil, he has no idea what Phil Collins is,

Starting point is 00:39:47 doesn't know anything. They put Phil Collins up on the Jumbotron. Kiss Cam with your dad? No, they put him up on the Jumbotron. And they, I've never seen this, they normally they just throw a picture up or whatever. They play coming in the air tonight, doo doo shoo doo shoo doo shoo doo shoo.

Starting point is 00:40:04 And I've never seen this in Madison Square Garden during a live game, you know, during a time out. They put the lights down. And then put this guy in the jumbo trot, and he got a standing ovation, because he's Phil Collins, okay? And my dad turns to me and goes, Who the fuck is he?

Starting point is 00:40:21 And I go, that's Phil Collins. Within five seconds And I go, yeah, that's Phil Collins. Yeah, yeah. Within five seconds of the lights coming down, I have my head down. I'm like, oh, that was pretty cool. Yeah. I see the people walking with the cameras. Yeah. And I see their shoes stop right in front of me.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Wow. And they take the camera and the lady comes over. I swear to Christ, the lady from the next half comes over. She goes, Chris, uh, De-Stalacalo? De-Stalacalo? I said, DeStefano, she goes, you're up next. I said, what do you mean? She goes, we're gonna put you on the Jumbotron.

Starting point is 00:40:53 Just wave. It'll be great. They put me on the Jumbotron, I swear to Christ. They put me on the Jumbotron. I have video footage of this. They put me on the Jumbotron. Absolute pin drop silence. I swear to God, nobody's saying anything. I swear to Christ.

Starting point is 00:41:10 And this is not a bit. I swear to Christ. The only thing I feel is my father's hand rubbing my back. He's going, it's going to be all right, Chris. It's going to be all right. And then I swear to Christ. I'm getting my back rub by my dad Yeah As soon as it's over all of a sudden a hand reaches across it's Phil Collins with a bag of Easter candy

Starting point is 00:41:31 A bag of Cadbury eggs and he goes and he goes it's gonna be alright That's what he said I really, oh my god I swear to Christ and then but then my dad so that was like a horrific experience But then because of the bomb and all that and my dad has just got like that gift again, Phil Collins like loved my dad. Like they were talking, he fucking loved my dad. Then he started asking me, he was like,

Starting point is 00:41:51 oh, so you do comedy? And I said, yeah, you know, like trying whatever. And he was like, well, you know, if they're putting you up there, they must think you have potential. So just keep going. Wow. And look what happened.

Starting point is 00:42:01 Did the people know though who you were then? Maybe because you're a New York I know or no no now No, no, you're a New York guy. No, there's not Yeah, no, no they did not they did not and it was it was yeah, it was wild tell me about the old Jewish company Yeah, go bananas. Oh No, they did not they did not and it was it was yeah, it was wild. Tell me about the old Jewish company family go bananas Oh, forget it. Why top that story man. That story was so good. It's a good story Yeah, feel fucking Collins feel Collins bro, but it was it was you know, I can feel it

Starting point is 00:42:40 Jive night Copping what you said, but Jiv night? Oh no. Copping what you said bud. Okay. Alright. Oh no. Doo doo doo doo.

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Starting point is 00:45:56 and use code BADFRIENDS50 to get 50% off. That's code BADFRIENDS50 at factormeals.com slash BADFRIENDS50 to get 50% off. I'm gonna privately tell you, I'm not gonna say who, but somebody told me, they were like, I can't explain this to you, but I'm so attracted to Carlos. Oh wow.

Starting point is 00:46:13 And I was like, wait, seriously? Wait, Bobby, are you mad at that? Yep. And she was like something about- I get it. Something about this bald, no, no, she loved your bald and your hair. It's like Stavros.

Starting point is 00:46:24 Stavros is another reason. like she was obsessed with his head She was like yeah, she goes tell him not to shave his right. It's like it's like you look so bad. It's good I'm sure he's talked about this before how they're like they're switched like like Carlos like the way fancy talks his name should be Carlos, and Carlos should be Fancy. Like when Fancy starts talking like, I got you a gift, that guy's name should be Carlos. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Starting point is 00:46:51 But then, and then, and then. But do you know what his real name is? Fancy's real name? Fabrizio. Yes, Fabrizio. No, his name is Andres. Andres. Oh yes, Andres. Which is just Andrew in Spanish.

Starting point is 00:47:02 Just me in Spanish. Carlos physically assaulted me in the original room like physically Literally physically a couple nights ago. Oh, well, I know look but that's because he looks like Irish to fear that's too And I want an apology on air dude, what did you do Bobby you called me and apologize for what you did What did you do? Bobby threw water on me in the OR. Oh, what the hell is that about dude? Half the audience During someone's set. Oh, the thing is who is on stage. I think Adam Ray May he can take the bit. Why did he throw water? Why did he threw water?

Starting point is 00:47:35 No, what Carlos and McCone do from our show? Mm-hmm. Yes, you do. No, I yes you do You did I did that one time. Yeah. Yeah, you do all the time What they do is they pull their way their bad friends away And they sit in the booths in the back in the original room where like the comics sit They told me I shut the fuck up for a second. Okay, the paid regulars can only sit You know what it is like in the right color that corner booth. Yes Literally I walk in the OR and they're sitting like they're smoking. No, but yeah, there's nothing in their fingers You guys are doing this and not even smoking. You know what Carlos did he did the fucking? Oh

Starting point is 00:48:10 Wow, Cory Feldman. He passed you. Wow But they were sitting there and it drove me crazy. I just threw water on them. I get that. Yeah Yeah, no, that's not okay. Yeah, do you want to do you want to clear the air? Well, I want to apologize for that for for real, but also something happened at the airport with your mom that we never told you. Oh, okay. Okay, is it gonna upset me? Yeah. What then is it what I did with her in the lounge in the Delta lounge?. Oh shit. I just, that was bad. Tell it to me. Tell it to me. I'm fine. Okay. I want to look in the camera. This camera right here.

Starting point is 00:48:50 I'm embarrassed. And I'm going to be real. I know. My real reaction. Go ahead. Carlos gave her a bump of coke. No, when she was going to her date, we were in different terminals and she didn't want us to help her anymore because she was over it. And when I was hugging her her I hit her in the face

Starting point is 00:49:06 Really hard like I swung You physically assaulted Bob's mom and she was like, oh It's okay, but then I was like super apologetic, but I definitely hit Bobby's so you gave her CTE Wow, wow, that's so fucked up dude. It's not over bro. What I was sober at the time So you gave her CTE. Wow. Wow. That's so fucked up, dude. It's not right. I was sober, bro. What?

Starting point is 00:49:29 I was sober, though. At the time, yeah. I was. How do you feel, Bob? I get to hit your mom now. It's only fair, dude. I get to hit your mom. He gets to hit your mom as hard as he can.

Starting point is 00:49:39 Close-fisted, too. Yes. She can take it. She's young. Yeah. And she's Mexican, right? Yeah, she's from Mexico. She can take the hit She's young. All right. Yeah. Yeah, and she's spent she's Mexican, right? Yeah, she's from how she could take the hit. There you go Imagine Carlos his mom is the one that has the hair like him My dad's bald I'm just taking it crazy far. It looks it really does look great when you guys rock it with confidence

Starting point is 00:49:58 It looks awesome. Hell yeah, why don't you tell Bobby? What's up? Oh tell Bobby Tell him what's going on. Tell him up? Oh, tell Bobby. I thought you would start it. Tell him what's going on. Tell him who you told me. Be honest. I'm home. The honest moment of bad friends.

Starting point is 00:50:11 Okay. Okay, when Andrew walked in earlier, I didn't want to tell him this, and it was actually, it was hard for me to say, but I have three days sober now. I went out. Had a little slip up. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:22 That's what I told him. It's all good. It was hard though. I didn't intend to drink that night, then I drank and it was the same thing It was crazy because you went on a date. Yeah, and you felt pressure to drink. Yeah, I felt nervous So I had a martini and then did she order a drink. Yeah, well I bought her drink No, but I'm saying like who ordered first she wanted a drink. It was like, yeah, we're gonna get drinks Did you tell her I don't drink?

Starting point is 00:50:45 I didn't say that. Yeah. Are you afraid to say that to a girl when you're on a date? Right now I am. Yeah. I mean, you know. That's normal. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:52 You know what they say, right? For the first year of sobriety, what do they say? Go to a meeting every day. No, like that. You should be in a relationship. Oh. I saw. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:51:03 Okay. You should be in a relationship. It was tough. It was work on yourself. Okay. It's all the same and no more glory holes But Kenny Kenny be out there getting pussy. No, you're not supposed to but I saw a worry hole on a dating app I think I sent you the picture. I know you sent me the glory hole picture. I trust me. I log all of them But when you said it to me You didn't go to it though. I didn't go and I didn't go to the milking table. I told you not to go. Yeah, I didn't go.

Starting point is 00:51:28 Okay. Yeah, I didn't go. You can't go. No. Just take a year off. From glory holes? Yeah, I think so. Let's do, do, do, do.

Starting point is 00:51:34 Is that not in the book in the 12 steps? It's not in the book, but what's the thing? That seems like the fourth first step. I was talking to Jimmy Schuber the other day. You know Jimmy, right? So funny, Jimmy Schuber. Yeah, I love him. 59 years old, right?

Starting point is 00:51:43 Rips. You like Jimmy? Rips. Rips. So funny. Ripper, he's one of my best buddies. I love him. Love him, right? So funny, Jimmy. Yeah, 59 years old. Yeah, right. You like Jimmy? Rips. Rips. So funny. Ripper. He's one of my best buddies. I love him. Love him, right? He goes, yeah, guy, I'm going to the Philippines right now. What's he doing in the Philippines?

Starting point is 00:51:52 He's ripping ass. Sure. Right? You can rip ass at any age. You're young. It's still going to be there, your dick energy. Look at me. My little dick energy.

Starting point is 00:52:03 It's still working, baby. Nobody calls it rip ass by the way You said Jimmy Schubert's going to the Philippines to fart Guys flying a 17 hour flight just to let it all out. You can still rip ass actually Dude Jimmy Schubert calls turds sewer pickles Oh please! Boom! Dude, Jimmy Schuber calls turds sewer pickles. Sewer pickles.

Starting point is 00:52:25 He's like, I got a sewer pickle. He's so funny. It's always going to be there at my point. You can rip ass your whole life. But I think it's also, it's good that you're being open and honest. I think that's a big thing. Yeah, you got it.

Starting point is 00:52:36 Yeah, that's why I told you today. Well, I'm appreciative and we want to keep promoting you to stay good and stay healthy. I put the bottle down. No more drinking for me for a while Really why it's been gone for a while? I don't know I just felt like I needed to how long for how long have you been not drinking the holidays since before the holiday Yeah, did I inspire you?

Starting point is 00:52:54 No, okay. No, you don't inspire me at all or influence me or no, no, no, no You know what it really was was like Just getting older. I don't know. Yeah, I get it I don't know. I just I I've getting a little bit older paint the body paints are a little bit different now And you have a couple and yeah, I don't know and I don't want to end up looking like Andres, you know what I mean But how about this underneath fuck fucking 13? Do you enjoy some of your time in Espana? Yeah? It was good. It was good. Good to see family. Are they proud of you? They don't know what I'm doing. I hide this from them.

Starting point is 00:53:27 You're embarrassed about this? Yes. Wow. A lot of people are. Wait, you're embarrassed about working for bad friends? Mm-hmm. Well, yes. No, I get it. No, I don't. I don't get it. I get it. I don't get it. We're one of the top podcasts on planet Earth. No, I know, but Conquistadors all of the history of these guys, you know This is a Roy. Yeah, right. I Mean, he'll tell you all the history of Spain to give me give us a quick synopsis of the history of Spain go me Yeah, no, I only know I only know America. Oh, you don't know Spain the only one I know I know Spain, you know had territories in the United States You know, that's why Cuban people speak Spanish and how influential the Spanish colonial Empire was the invincible Armada

Starting point is 00:54:03 Well, you would say the invincible armada I know them but I don't know the history of actual mainland Spain. I don't know it as well other than they're like you know they're the original you know people speak Spanish and most countries that speak Spanish is because Spain conquered them. Mexico, Mexico is not they don't they don't speak Spanish Puerto Ricans don't speak Spanish. It's just the Spain. This is what it is about when people attack white people. It's like, well, then you have to attack Spanish people too. Because they were worse than our whites. And you know who was the absolute worst?

Starting point is 00:54:37 Asians. The most rate, the Japanese are the worst. But the, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but Koreans are very bad. But you think, no they're not. We read on this show that they have the largest unbroken chain of slavery in the history of the world Yes, I from that oh well That were great. That's it. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's insane. Yeah, but do China like the The countries that Japan occupied do they speak Japanese? No, we let they let them keep their language, right?

Starting point is 00:55:03 But the Spanish did not use You talk like we talk. Yeah. What do you mean? That's a Spanish accent? Yeah. The Spanish Inquisition, very bad Spanish Inquisition. But people just want to talk about whites. Oh, you want to talk about white people being,

Starting point is 00:55:18 what about the Spanish Inquisition? Very not good. No bien. No bien. No bien. I think they consider us white. Right. Who does?

Starting point is 00:55:27 Not us. Exactly. I'm not inviting you to a party. Let me see your papers. Where were you on Jan 6? Were you there? Did you go to the anniversary? I was looking.

Starting point is 00:55:35 Yeah, he was thinking about it. For me, it was if Jan 6 was a hell of a holiday this year because it was my holiday, of course, storming the Capitol, but then also it's little Christmas. I know you said it. It's so wild. That's the Puerto Rican Little Christmas. So I had a big, big day. That was my big day of the year.

Starting point is 00:55:49 Little Christmas. Little Christmas. Pequeña Navidad. Pequeño Navidad. What do you do on Little Christmas? Three Kings. Three Kings Fest. And then, you know, Puerto Rican, so we just kind of, I give my family gifts wrapped up

Starting point is 00:56:00 in aluminum foil. And they abuse that foil to clean with it. Yes. Like, they're gonna go fucking scrub it. Yes, and then I say, come on, this is what we're gonna take our lunch with. Best day of the year. Best day. When you pack the kids lunch, what's the lunch that you pack?

Starting point is 00:56:15 So, it's so, like, sometimes when Jazz makes lunch, she makes, like, good, you know, like, lunch with them, like sandwiches and stuff. Who's Jazz? Who's Jazz? Jazz is my girl. Jazz is my girlfriend. When Jazz makes lunch, she makes like, couldn't, you know, like, lunch or them, like sandwiches and stuff. Who's Jazz? Who's Jazz? Jazz is my girl. Jasmine, my girlfriend. My girlfriend, mother, my kids. But the other day, my kids, Jazz, she'll have early,

Starting point is 00:56:33 she's a fitness instructor, so she'll have early classes, sometimes, and she asks me to pack the kids lunch. And the other day, I didn't, I had no idea what to give them for lunch, so I just took out Tupperware's and I gave them leftover tortellini I just took out Tupperware's and I gave them leftover tortellini Alfredo in Tupperware's. And then they couldn't eat it, because it was like frozen together. And they called the school,

Starting point is 00:56:53 like you know, they were like, kids have no lunch, they can't eat this lunch. And Jasmine was like, what did you give them for lunch? It was like tortellini Alfredo in Tupperware's. She was like, are you a fucking asshole? Why would you do that? I was like, what did you want me? They don't have a microwave at school fucking heat it up.

Starting point is 00:57:07 No, they won't let, dude, you know what it is? Crazy with how much the world's changed in the pandemic. This was one of the biggest, most fun parts of lunch that they've taken away. My kids in school cannot share their food with their friends. You can't do trades. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:57:20 You know, I would trade you with Dunkaroo for something. Some kimchi. Yes. Kimchi, by the way. probably wouldn't make that trade Yeah, oh why I'd be like don't talk to him. He has nothing good to offer him. Oh really go to John No, thank you. Yeah, no, I would say Bobby wise my food is barking So but but they won't let them trade food anymore it sucks that is bullshit That was such a big thing in school. It sucks. That is bullshit.

Starting point is 00:57:45 That was such a big thing in school. But you look forward to. Swapping. Yeah. Because there was always a kid who had all the good shit. Yeah. I never got good shit. I never had anything fun.

Starting point is 00:57:53 They made me eat lunch at school. What? Yeah, we all, my kids eat lunch at school. No, no, no. They didn't pack. We had food at school lunch. Yeah, I used to have school lunch too. The fucking fucked up pizza all that stuff tater tots

Starting point is 00:58:05 Yeti pizza burgers. How often did you steal? Did you steal the food from the cafeteria? No, you know what? I would do it. I was escaped because the coast I you know we belong to stone rich country club. Oh Stop licking your lips after you say I love it. It's devious. So we went to stone Ridge We would escape go to stone Ridge, they had a restaurant. And because my parents were members, I used to get gourmet hamburgers and then sign it over, right?

Starting point is 00:58:32 That's unbelievable you live like this. Yeah, yeah, and then I would go back to school. Wow. And people were like eating these fucking ham sandwiches. I just had a gourmet fucking stick-ass French fries. Oh my God. A Diet Coke. Steak fries, love it, yummy.

Starting point is 00:58:44 And a Sunday. I used to steal from our cafeteria all the time. And I'd put Yeah, oh my god. I'd die coke steak fries. Yeah, yeah, I'm in a sundae I used to steal from our cafeteria all the time and I put the burgers in my pockets I'd have yeah, yeah as many burgers I could put in my pockets. Yeah, I loved stealing from school That was like my favorite thing dude. How much it could I steal just steal it all? I would I was a I was a big thief because I didn't want to pay for I didn't have any money anyway, right? My school had did you guys have this in the 80s? We had a a My school had, did you guys have this? In the 80s, we had a fucking whole area with a fence. Smoking smoking.

Starting point is 00:59:09 Yeah, smoking, we had smoking, yeah. Yeah, we had a smoking. In high school. No, couldn't smoke. Kids just smoking cigarettes. We had a patio off of one of our main, kind of like, oh, actually it was the, it was a freshman sophomore cafeteria.

Starting point is 00:59:21 And there was junior, senior area. And then off of there was an indoor, there was a patio, and kids could smoke out there. If you were a senior, you could go out there and smoke. I thought that was so fucking wild, because I didn't think much of it until later, that I was like, wow, that's crazy. It used to be able to fucking just walk outside and smoke and come back inside.

Starting point is 00:59:36 I was scared because it was the heavy meddlers. It was the cool guys. It was cool guys. And we had Mexican heavy metal people, so they're scary. They're scary. They're scary. They all look like slash. I hate it because the honey bunsuns, I used to like honeybuns.

Starting point is 00:59:49 And the honeybun machine was over by the smoking door. And I fucking never would go over there if there was older kids by the door smoking, because I didn't want them to make fun of me. You know, but so if there was nobody outside, I'd go get a honeybun. But that was my biggest deflection, was smokers. I've been trying to talk about my love life all day, man.

Starting point is 01:00:08 Love life. You haven't even brought it up once. And then I want to talk about my love life. Yeah. Are you doing good? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 01:00:16 Go ahead. I have a new theory. Okay. I'm going to edge love. Hmm. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love.

Starting point is 01:00:32 I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going to edge love. I'm going gonna check it out. I think you've misinterpreted what edging it. No, no, I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying Okay, all right. May I explain please like in like in sex, right?

Starting point is 01:00:51 I'm about to come I'm about to come right, but I don't come that's edging. Yeah, that's edging, right? Yeah I'm gonna see her. I'm gonna see her. I'm not gonna see her Right so that so that mystery and that you know what I mean? Like what's gonna happen is always there. And they just never see each other. Could you be feeling this time doing something constructive? What do you mean, man? I don't know, like comedy or your job or like anything.

Starting point is 01:01:16 No, this is side stuff. But you're not really doing it. Yes, I am doing it. It's like you're mapping out the plans to a building and you're never gonna build it. That's exactly, you're edging architecture. Why would you be an architectural edger? What?

Starting point is 01:01:29 Why? Because it's like a dream of it. Because what I realize is once you hook up, it loses that magic. Sure. Well, that's a piece of it. Yeah. It's all about the chase, the anticipation of it all.

Starting point is 01:01:41 The hunt is better than the kill. Right. So it's like, what? I said such a drug addict. There's a drug addict thing? Of course. You're chasing the endorphins of it. That is the definition of what you're doing. Yeah, because I realized being single and once you do it, and then once you're in the smashing and you come and you do all that, it loses something. So I'm just going to try this for the next year. This is this is dude. This is why Tik Tok every girl on there is like, men are fucking me up.

Starting point is 01:02:07 Why? This is gonna fuck them up. Are you masturbating to them? No. You have to. You don't come. You lie, lie. What?

Starting point is 01:02:15 That's a terrible lie. Yeah, in fact, last night, I haven't masturbated in four days and... What? You haven't? I'm not overrevealing this. But I swear to God, four days I didn't masturbate. Last time I go, you know what?

Starting point is 01:02:27 Bobby deserves a little session, right? So you know the, I have a machine. I have a machine. Suckmaster 3000. Right, but it broke. Cause I got too much water in it. Could I do in the bathtub? Right, so like the to components rusted.

Starting point is 01:02:47 Rusted? Yes, I put the batteries in the sitting in the tub. Why don't you do it in the bathtub? I have to do in the bathtub. You have a water jerk? Yeah, he likes to sit at 90 degrees when it comes to the wall. Yeah, I got too much water and rusted. Yeah. So I took the the actual vaginal part out. Yeah, right. And I've been gripping that and doing it. Sure. Right. That's fine. So what if? What if you got rid of the vaginal part and then just gripped it with your hand?

Starting point is 01:03:10 Have you ever done that? Yeah, I've done it so many years with that. Tired of it. Oh, you're over it. I'm over it. So it is broken. I know, when I would get bored of my hand, I would jerk off with my catcher's mitt.

Starting point is 01:03:24 That's what I'm saying. Yeah, right? So let so yes, so that part you're talking about your girlfriend's face Let me finish my thing so last night I'm in the bathtub and I I was like fuck I can't fuck it Yeah, yeah, right, so I'm gonna edge it all. Oh, you're edging all of it. I'm edging all of it, dude What do you guys think? I I mean, I think we've voiced it halfway through. Yeah, that idea I think it's gonna work. I think it sounds like a bad idea does let me try it though I think what about abstinence in general? Just say no thank you to everything and then you don't have to set yourself I like I like the cutesy shit. Okay. That's fine. I like the babes, right? You want to be a cutesy pooh?

Starting point is 01:04:02 Hey, babe. Hey babe my podcast every Thursday. Yeah, go check that out with cell volcano What what's your love? What's your love? You want you want to be a cutie babe. Hey babe my podcast every Thursday Yeah, go check that out with cell volcano what what's your love? What's your love? You want you want to talk about yours? Oh? Well, no, I was I Sounded like you wanted to I don't know. I was gonna think of a Kalyla joke, but I couldn't um I No, I'm good my thing. You want to fuck Kalyla? No, no, I actually don't yeah I actually don't why don't you say it's nicer? Do you want to hang out with her? I don't yeah I don't love her so much. I don't want to So funny dude, I'm comfortable. I'm a crazy person. Hey, whatever dude only live once

Starting point is 01:04:42 Yeah, this might all be a simulation everything about this. Let me put this there. I want to hear you heard this. Let me hear heard this. What about this? And this is brought up by my podcast partner Mike Cannon who's with me now my podcast every week of Chrissy Chaos He said that guy little guy there. No, no, Mike Cannon's back on the East Coast. That's Don DePata That's that's a little Don and then Steve that's Steve Ciccone, right? So Rony, yeah, Steve Ciccone. Where do youoni, right? Where do you get a little Manson guy like that? A little Stevie like that? I got him at the guitar center. He was on the shelf.

Starting point is 01:05:10 You know, he's got the handsome structure of the phase. But if he was taller, it'd be good. But he's so small, so it ruins it. Yeah, he's like a wish.com version of another man. It's almost there, but not. Right. You're going to do shows down. This will be out by the time you already did them.

Starting point is 01:05:25 Were you doing in Bray? Where are you at? No, I'm doing the Magnolia Theater in San Diego, and then I'm doing the Wiltern Theater in LA, and let me tell you, I got two words, big mistake. Kids about 50% sold on both shows, big mistake. Where's the Wiltern? Huge.

Starting point is 01:05:40 When's the Wiltern? Saturday, this Saturday. It'll sell. We'll tweet about it. I literally have 50% of the room sold on both. I was like trying to beg my edge. I was like, can we just cancel? And he was like, no.

Starting point is 01:05:50 Bring up Christy comedy right now. Yes. And I also need help in Nashville at the Ryman. Kid bit off more than he can chit-chit-choo. We love, we had a great time at the Ryman. At the Ryman, yes. You're upcoming shows there, upcoming show. Yeah, I feel like I'm slowly slipping out of our comedy no dude you're not I don't know

Starting point is 01:06:06 why it's just a it's an honest feeling I'm hoping it's gonna go away the Wiltern there it is fuck me let's see let's see how bad go to the seat view map we'll just see what yeah we want to see what it looks let's see what a shitfest this is no what do you mean the floor is totally solid no dude no no arrow up top but I'll tell you what plus symbol yes go to the plus symbol in the top right okay okay but what do you mean that's sold out Andrew Andrew? No, we you know what they do here They're blocking out seats on the digital map. So it forces you to buy that's I don't think I've sold though You're sold out. There's curtain. No, there's curtains up. I would you're selling out now. You're selling out

Starting point is 01:06:38 I'm telling you there's no way I have that many tickets Bob and I are gonna promote it You're selling fine. You're not gonna come to our city and not sell out fine. Yeah, but it wasn't miss it I'd be when I come to LA we probably should just do the comedy clubs. That's probably the better idea Well, here's the problem. It's like with me and this guy in New York like I'll be I'll see you in a week when I go to New York I When someone's like hey, do you want to go play? What did I play that you came to me? What I played city town hall town hall. Yeah, and they were like you want to do that again No, I'd rather just play the seller and whatever and you work out because it's a Workout City. Yeah, it's tough to get to work out city. Yeah, we're all here

Starting point is 01:07:08 Yeah, and I also did the brain improv the oxen improv and those are good because they're away Right, but but I would assume it it has something to do with why don't you just do Irvine improv? You know I so much money I should have I should I it was it I probably next year and moving forward, you know If I hey, we're playing Reno. We're doing the Grand Sierra. I'm all I mean that my tickets there are so beyond dog shit. It's unbelievable What do we what a full fucking zero I am? What do we have really funny? I have like 500 tickets sold out if there's 2500 seat. I mean Let it load. I mean there is you cannot imagine. I think I have 10% of the room sold there I'm just going because the next day I'm interviewing Jerry Rice at the Super Bowl. Oh

Starting point is 01:07:49 That's cool, right? Well, you're in Reno. What day February 8th Friday. We're there on the third. We're there before you Shia's yeah, but our tickets are bad in Reno too. You know why fucking this casino. I don't it's a casino in Reno It's a nice guarantee up front. So that's why I took it I figured and I love state capitals, so Carson City's capital, Nevada, is 20 minutes away. But I mean, I mean, they're laughable. The only one I'm doing good in is the Warner Theater in DC. That one's almost sold out.

Starting point is 01:08:14 Hey, guys, let's be the comics that only do clubs now. We should. We just want to make the money. It's just too, it's just, it's too much. We're playing 10 shows at big theaters coming up. After that, after that. All right, yeah. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Starting point is 01:08:23 And then I do a Suguro thing in the summer, and then after that, clubs. All right Yeah, what the fuck do a sugero thing in the summer and after that right clubs But yeah, let's talk about our little beef. You're leaving me for Segura, huh? Oh, come on now Go ahead and say it go ahead and tell the world what you did when I call him up He goes at the Hawaii for Segura. He does a show for him and then he tells me I'm gonna do a bunch of shows of Segura later too. Oh you leave me for Segura six not about six show That's as many as we're doing in the new year, right? We did 50 you and I yeah, right? Yeah, and then you're a bonafide one of the greatest headliners

Starting point is 01:08:52 You know me not me. No, so I'm just I'm just wherever the wind takes me I go. No, it's okay That's how you want to end this whole thing. It's no we're not any dude. If this is how you shut the fuck up See, let me see. Yeah, I'm sorry guys. Yeah, all right. how you shut the fuck up. See, see what he's doing. Let me see. Yeah. I'm sorry guys. Yeah. All right. I want to say something real in here, dude. Tom Segura. I mean, he's famous. You know what? You know what? You know what? I think you've been hearing in your head and your Asian head. I think you've been hearing. You've been mispronouncing the word loyalty for loyalty. Loyalty. You think you're loyalty. Wow. Loyalty.

Starting point is 01:09:19 So that L and R is a big one for you right now. Thank you. You think you're loyalty, but we're saying loyalty. Loyalty, LL. You wanna talk about loyalty? You wanna talk about loyalty right now, dude? What? Are we doing Australia? Yeah, we are. Yes, who's not going, Russell Crowe.

Starting point is 01:09:36 Right. No, no, no, no. This time doing six shows, I'll never do it again. No, no, it's okay. Does it hurt my feelings? Yeah, it does. It really does? Yeah, a little bit, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:44 Are you being real? Yes, Tom Segura. Those guys? You're going to go with those guys? Me, Tom, and Jessica's Curson. I love Jessica Curson. But Tom Segura? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:56 He doesn't need two lesbians open. He's such a nice guy to me. What? He doesn't need two lesbians open. Too pleasant. Thank you for being a bad friend. Oh my god, DeStefano is here. Dude, I haven't seen you in so long.

Starting point is 01:10:13 My little fuckabout. Before we start shooting. Yeah, go ahead. That's why they don't have Asians on these shows. I only ripped your family. Honestly, start Asian hate it, guys.

Bad Friends - A Case Of Lululemon ft. Chris Distefano

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