Bad Friends - Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom

Starting point is 00:00:00 You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. Hey, bad friends. I am on tour this fall coming to see you. I'm all over the place. We're adding shows. We're adding dates. I am so excited. In between Bobby and I going to Australia and New Zealand, I'm going to be going everywhere, man. I'm going all over the place. I'm all over the place. We're adding shows. We're adding dates. I am so excited in between Bobby and I going to Australia, New Zealand. I'm going to be going everywhere, man. I'm going all over the place. I'm going to Indiana. I'm going to Ohio. I'm going back home to Chicago. I'm going to Oklahoma. I'm going to Omaha, Nebraska. I am going to Charlotte, Atlanta, you name it. I'm there. Kansas City, Cleveland. I am there. Come see me in Boston and St. Louis and Grand Rapids. Come on and see your boy. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com.

Starting point is 00:00:48 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Oh my God. Oh, really? What are are you the Dark Knight? Oh wow. You're not the Dark Knight. Wow, wow, wow. He walks in here like he's Bruce Wayne, this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Matt Rife.

Starting point is 00:01:19 Sit down in the blue chair, my little prince. Is this tap? We have to refill the bottles. That is true. We do refill those. Guy sells out arenas and we give him the wrong address. He was wait right there. I'll pick you up. It's sweltering outside. What address did you give him? And I had the funniest Uber driver on the way over. Put on your cans if you want them. If you don't want them, you don't have to. I'll wear them. I'll wear them.

Starting point is 00:01:42 Hair's melted anyways. No, no, no. Beautiful fro. Fancy, do you care to talk about your mistake already? Yeah. I know this was coming. Just a number off. Just a number off of our work address? So copy and paste is a thing that most people use pretty frequently or share the contact

Starting point is 00:02:02 location. Yeah. We've been here for three years and you let our guest astray five miles down the road. Pretty bad. They have Google maps in every country. Every country. And by the way, five miles in Los Angeles,

Starting point is 00:02:13 a different state. Oh yeah, but he said like 30 kilometers down the road or something. He doesn't see that, he doesn't know. He doesn't know what's going on. Well, let's give it up for our beautiful, wonderful guest, Matt Reif. Woo! Buddy. Woo!

Starting point is 00:02:25 Yeah! Buddy. Buddy! Buddy! Thanks for having me. Buddy, buddy, buddy. You know, I remember when you were a youngster. I know, dude.

Starting point is 00:02:33 You were soft and young, you know what I mean? I know, very malleable at the time. Yeah. First of all, he's still young. I'm a young girl, though. People are young, but they can also be younger at one point. Yeah, I feel like you were never young. I feel like you were always Bobby.

Starting point is 00:02:49 Yeah. I don't know if you ever had a youthful phase. Dude, I'm youthful now, dog. No. No, really? No, you look like you sell gremlins now. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:58 That's so good. Mogwai style. And I do. Yeah. And I do the mogwais. How old were you on Matt TV? 42. I was yeah, and I did the bog lies. How are you on Matt TV 42? I was in my late 20s. Yeah for real. Yeah, why no you started at 25, right? Isn't that what it was 23 is 23 and up no no on Matt TV 25. I was 30

Starting point is 00:03:17 Really yeah, I looked so young on yeah, he did he look at a little baby I didn't even I didn't even have hair down Yeah, yeah, I got my first hair at 39. Good boy. Yeah. Matt, how old are you now? I'm 28. You and I met, I wanna say, tell me if I'm wrong, 10 years ago, is that how long I've known you?

Starting point is 00:03:34 Yeah, I'd say so. I've been in LA for 11 years, so 10 sounds about right. I met you about nine to 10 years ago. Bobby and I have known Matt for a long time. We've watched your ascension and couldn't be prouder and happier for a good person that got what he deserved. You're a good, great comic, good dude.

Starting point is 00:03:52 And when, you know, sometimes, you know, when he was blowing up for a second there, I'd hear some girls go, well, he's just hot. And I'd just be like, no, Dick, he's got a skillset. You can't get there without the skillset. Like, there's a lot of hot guys have come and gone in this business. And honestly, I've always thought you're ugly

Starting point is 00:04:10 and you don't do- Thank you. Why do you do it like you? It does nothing for me, me, me. Really? Never. I'm not even nervous right now, Dan. Who's like, who's your like male celebrity crush? I'm more Sandy Danto. Right here.

Starting point is 00:04:23 Sandy Danto-y. I like Pudge, a little Pudge in there. Yeah, he a little pushy. Yeah, like character. I like the black ones, you know what I mean? That's reasonable. You like the Ian Edwards? You like to think realistic.

Starting point is 00:04:35 I was the polar opposite of Sandy Danto. I know, I was like, can I have a variety? Yeah, you can. There's a variety of men that I like. I like that you like attainable though. That's really nice. That's brilliant. Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I think that you're getting somewhere. I don to you like attainable though. That's really that. That's that's I think that. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Starting point is 00:04:45 I think that you're getting somewhere. I don't think you can get Ian. I don't think you can get Ian. I think you can get Ian. I don't know, dude. I think I can get Ian. Well, first of all, Ian's a vegan and you're the opposite of a vegan.

Starting point is 00:04:55 I can get one of the Ian's. I get Ian bag. Yeah. I can get a Canadian. I can get a Canadian. Yeah, for yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can get Ian McKay.

Starting point is 00:05:03 Not Ian McKay. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you spell my name wrong? What does it say? Matt Rice. Oh yeah. I did it because I love, everything is Asian. So if I want to read it, it just, I just.

Starting point is 00:05:16 Did you do this? Yeah, that's fancy. Hold on, is his name fancy? Yeah. Not so more. I'm so sorry. Not so more. What? No, Matt Rice name fancy? Yeah. Not so more. I'm so sorry. Not so more.

Starting point is 00:05:26 What? No, Matt Rice is because of Bobby. He has, he dreams, he dreams in Chinese and- I dream in Chinese, dude. And with you, he dreams of you. Let's be real, you do look a little Asian. Like a little, you do have a little bit of Asian. Which country?

Starting point is 00:05:42 So, you know, Mojangle. Thai? Yeah, yeah. You look closer to South Asia. Okay. And it's because your hair is... Your nuts are like dumplings. I thought you were saying I look pre-op.

Starting point is 00:05:52 Thanks. I appreciate it. Do you have even balls or does one hang lower? No, one's definitely lower. Which one, do you know? I think the left. Everybody knows. I think the left. Left?

Starting point is 00:06:03 I'm pretty sure. Are you left or right? Which one hangs lower, left or right? They're all equal. I'm Asian. You're an equal guy. Yeah. Interesting. What about you?

Starting point is 00:06:10 Science. I'm a lefty, but a lot of people are righties. I'm righties. Now I'm questioning. I know, dude. You look down at it. You can't tell. My left nut has always been longer than my right nut.

Starting point is 00:06:19 Fuck. But my skin is thick. My skin's thick. And it's extra wrinkly. It looks like it's wise. No, my nut, have you seen it? extra wrinkly. It looks like it's wise My no, but I mean, have you seen it ask him a question your sack ask us No, but it's so right as yours wrinkly. Yeah, you're my soul wrinkly though. Yeah, you know, we know it looks like a woman aliens On the planet had the eggs. Yeah, you know that stuff on the outside

Starting point is 00:06:39 I think I have that it kind of looks like to Ken Bay Mutombo's head your your nuts Yeah, let me say let me see like his bald wrinkly head That's not what we all look like Brussels sprouts Yeah, you kind of look the top of the Kenbe Nutsack yeah, whoa now when it's shaved yeah, yeah anyway go back to the testicle thing I want to I do want to see okay, so unilaterally and bilaterally the left testes is usually lower than the right because of its heavier weight So we're in the we're in the we're in the majority, my friend.

Starting point is 00:07:07 I like that. But my mind doesn't sag. Can I just show you? Your nuts are tight. Yeah, please, yeah. Matt, close your eyes. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt!

Starting point is 00:07:20 Matt. What? I'm not kidding. They're the exact same size. No way. No, they're perfect. Oh Well, so we're gonna get someone's gonna famous on tick-tock You do have very parallel nuts. How do you like I said?

Starting point is 00:07:34 You don't did it work at it or is this naturally like that? It's just well, you know, I don't use it much we know how you can like if you You know for like a like a physical you cough and they go up are you able to like cough one up higher than the other? No, no, no, no, no, no, I think there's only one in there. Maybe yeah, just it's just one You look into this because I've heard this theory before that if the left one hangs lower It's like you're supposed to be more creative. Hmm Right brain. Yes, it Except the opposite for your balls. But still a brain.

Starting point is 00:08:05 That makes sense. You know how your nose is stuffy on one side and you lean to the other side and then the boogers will go and then you can breathe all of that. Yeah, that's what my nuts are like. You can do that? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:14 That's what my nuts are like. I've just stayed congested. I didn't know that. No, you've never laid in bed and like, oh, one side is stuffy, so just lay on the other side and then just let the boogers go on. Oh, you gotta try that. I've never tried this. You gotta try that. I'm 28 and I'm'm just learning lay down on the bed and grab your legs and tuck them over your head

Starting point is 00:08:32 You just reminded me dude when I was when I was Going for basketball in high school. They make you go get a physical, you know You had to get physicals for school and I went to this like janky You know, I don't know like a quick they needed me to go to like a quick doc, someone I haven't been to before. Back before, what do you call it, urgent care was a thing. I went to like a local yokel and I just needed it because practice was the next day. So I go into this guy, I'm not kidding,

Starting point is 00:08:55 I'll go with my dad, I'll never forget. He's like, would you like to come in the room? And my dad was like, no, what the fuck, no. Why would I go in the room with, he's like, oh, just for safety and security. And he was like, no, it's fine. I don't wanna see my son's penis. What it was, I get in the room with he's like, oh just for safety and security and he was like no It's fine. I don't want to see my son's penis. What it was I get in the room. He's like go ahead. I dropped down He's feeling around doing his thing blah blah blah. Pull it up. I go back out. We're checking out

Starting point is 00:09:15 He's filling out the forms my hand to God. He goes your son's growing up No, your son's growing up. He had never seen me before he didn't know I Could have peaked. You know, I mean I could have seen me before. He didn't know. I could have peaked. You know what I mean? I could have already peaked. He didn't know I was still growing. Whoa. But he said, your son's growing up. I don't like how much he really tried to sell your dad

Starting point is 00:09:32 on the safety aspect. I feel like the third pitch I would have been like, should I be in there with him? Yeah. What are you gonna do to my son? Yeah. Yeah, your son's growing up. That's what that guy said.

Starting point is 00:09:40 He got disbarred. We sued him. So your dad's never seen your penis? Of course my father's seen my penis, what are you talking about? But he doesn't want to stand there and see a doctor examine it. Okay.

Starting point is 00:09:49 Nah. Has your father seen your penis? My dad's dead, so probably. Probably. His ghost. Oh yeah, that's the worst. No, not now, as a youngster. Look at my cock.

Starting point is 00:09:59 As a youngster you saw it, right? I don't know, he and my mom weren't even together. Oh, okay, okay. How old did your dad die? How old were you when he died? One and a half. Oh my God. Well, his dad just died.

Starting point is 00:10:09 No. For real? So I relate. How recently? Four years ago. That's not even like just. Yeah. It's a long time.

Starting point is 00:10:17 Yeah. How old was he? He was like 80. 106. So you never knew your dad? No, no, he was like, I think he was 21 when he died. How did he die? Oh, wait, let's guess. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Starting point is 00:10:28 let me guess. Always love a let's guess. Oh, I know. He was 26? 21. 21. Okay, I got it. Yeah, what's yours? 21st birthday, your dad goes out, right?

Starting point is 00:10:40 He's partying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's having a good time. Somebody goes, what was his name? Mike. Mike, Mike, Mike, let's get on a motorcycle. Let's do wheelies. Yeah, yeah. Right?

Starting point is 00:10:51 Woo woo woo woo woo woo, they're doing wheelies. Really bad accident. He's alive. Okay. He's totally fine. Yeah. He goes back to the bar, drinks some more, parties, picks up a strange man to hang out with,

Starting point is 00:11:03 to go do, go rootin' tootin'. Right. Goes back to the man's apartment, boom. Jeffrey Dahmer. Whoa. I'm not gonna confirm or deny until Bobby pitches this. Okay, go ahead. Oh, mine?

Starting point is 00:11:15 Yours is, I know it fully. What is it? It's almost as if I was there, okay? What happened? Fourth of July, your dad was naked, went to his buddies in the South, Arkansas, in a backyard right from Arkansas He's from Ohio before he happened to be there. I get business trip. Yeah, he was traveling your parents didn't know your mom didn't know

Starting point is 00:11:30 What was he selling on the business? He's a salesman right firecrackers. We're selling firecrackers. It's worth a try state to state Yeah, yeah, and he's going to the south to sell this you know me It's actually a trucking company right and it's the guy the head of the trucking companies house He was like a minute your dad was like, hey man, I have the best firecrackers. So they have a thing, they get drunk, they're all naked. Right? It's like eight at night.

Starting point is 00:11:52 That's how you sell firecrackers. Right, right. You know what I mean? And you know, there's no gay things going on. What? No one even said that. I know, but they were- You didn't know my dad.

Starting point is 00:11:59 Yeah, I didn't know your dad. They were like, they're poking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And then your dad, dad fuck why you did this He threw a little firecracker in the air a sparrow came down Bit the fucking firecracker right and started going doing loopy loops Uh-huh like you know me like a sparkler in the sky right right and then your dad was naked you bent over to get on

Starting point is 00:12:19 The firecracker the sparrow goes right into his butthole with the firecracker. Well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right There's an explosion, but he doesn't die wow but it hurts so bad so bad and here's the thing the all start laughing no for the trucking company that's how you agree you fuck it and they see the f-word for some reason yeah why I don't know why okay it doesn't mean he's gay now yeah yeah yeah and they spin on him too Wow I don't know why it's a South right, but the Sparrow still alive That's My mom listen to Sparrow my mom listens to every podcast I do this can't be the The Sparrow still alive dude. It's unbelievable. It's like a zombie Sparrow right the wings are gone

Starting point is 00:13:01 Spine face right and out of the left eye of the sparrow comes out a little tapeworm. Oh wow. This tapeworm, right, has fucking the first case of COVID. Whoa. Way before Wu landed. A little Chinese tapeworm. Yeah, in the eyeball of the sparrow.

Starting point is 00:13:22 Wow. What are the odds? What are the odds? Right? Yeah. Your ass, your dad's ass exploded, right? He's still alive? Yeah in the eyeball of the sparrow Wow, what are the odds? Right yeah Your ass your dad's ass exploded. He's still alive still on your dad. Yeah, but he's like call the cops strong guy He was strong. Yeah, he was his hands were in the dirt the earth scratch scratch Please or the police I mean I'm you lads yeah, I don't know what he's saying. He said cops first Uh-huh doesn't even know what he's saying because he's so fucking

Starting point is 00:13:46 If honestly right now dude this fucking little fucking Maggot no yeah, not a maggot try again this Worms little worm tapeworm tapeworm yeah, you know in the South they call it both. Oh that you do you're right. Yeah, right It goes inside the opening of his ass, and he gets infected died two weeks later anyway What really happened? It was a fucking Chinese tapeworm Arkansas yeah, how did you know that dude? I just fucking know you read about it. Yeah, you yes and at a sparrow Yeah, you yes ended a sparrow in

Starting point is 00:14:27 Reason I know just good old-fashioned Fashion good old-fashioned American dreamer was he depressed No Got a new gun. Yeah. He's on some uppers. See you later, son! My God. Was he happy? Yeah, he was amped. What I was asking...

Starting point is 00:14:54 I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa! Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That was rude. What I'm saying is that sometimes, you know. No. Yes, if he was drunk, right? He wasn't drunk. And he was thinking right, then maybe,

Starting point is 00:15:11 you know what I mean, that's what I was asking. So he had you at 20 years old. Yes. Wow. And unfortunately took his own life a year later. I'm so sorry, man. Yeah, I want to believe that didn't have anything to do with it, but. It did.

Starting point is 00:15:20 It almost certainly did. It almost certainly did. Yeah, had he known you'd be selling out arenas. He would have waited. He would have waited. Probably would have waited. Yeah. Would have stuck around. I would think so.

Starting point is 00:15:28 Yeah. There's also a theory, my own theory, right? He's not even on the birth certificate because he didn't think I was his. Because he and my mom weren't officially dating. But did you think your mom was hooking up with other guys? Yeah, definitely thought she was. She swears.

Starting point is 00:15:43 I swear on Ricky Lake. I don't think I look anything like my dad at all. And my mom always tells me I look like this guy she dated in high school, like before she met my dad. Well, did you get a DNA test? I've thought about it. I thought about it. Dude, you got to get a DNA test at the 23rd of November. But I don't want to like, now that I'm where I'm at in my life now, I don't want to like

Starting point is 00:16:04 go and tell this guy, hey, by the way, you got a golden ticket. No, you don't give him money He doesn't get shit. Well, yeah, no, he earns it. He earns it What what could I use him for at this point? Tour manager tour manager not a bad idea sneaker cleaner Okay, okay. Let me just say something to you Matt, okay? That was the grossest way I've ever seen So anyway, like you were drinking from a hose Okay, come on. Let's move on the fact that you guys have won any gold medals is insane to me

Starting point is 00:16:39 Yeah, yeah, we ping pong. Yeah anyway, um congrats by the way Huge it bow and arrow to Archery archery. yeah, we kill it. Yeah, you did. Okay Okay. Anyway, can I ask how many gold medals does Korea have right now? Oh my god, are you Korean? Yeah for now 21 total medals nine gold. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. It's not America. That's good 33. Okay Yeah, would you say Britain Britain is 33? Yeah. Yeah us 61 medals See about us. okay. Yeah. What'd you say? Britain. Britain is 33? Yeah, yeah. US, 61 medals. 61. Come, see about us.

Starting point is 00:17:08 Wow. Yeah. You know who's in first? Yeah, but we're also the size of Delaware. Do you check? Korea? Yeah. What does that have to do with it?

Starting point is 00:17:17 It's a small country, dude. So what, go back up to the top. Yeah. France isn't fucking that big. No. France is not big at all. We have 41. Yeah, okay, is it bigger than Korea though?

Starting point is 00:17:26 Everything is, everything's bigger in Korea. No, okay, anyway, I forgot even what I was gonna ask Matt, man. You were talking about his dad. How did your dad die? Oh no. He choked on a piece of kimchi. It was awful to watch.

Starting point is 00:17:43 He was there, he wouldn't do the Heimlich or anything. Oh! Yeah, yeah. I'm joking! I'm joking! I thought he was saying, I'm joking. Because we were just fucking around the whole time we were eating dinner. I'm joking!

Starting point is 00:17:54 I'm joking! What I'm saying, let me go, this is a serious point. He died of natural causes. He died of natural causes. But, um, let me get to this point. Please. So one of my favorite shows I've talked about, I know you guys are bored that I talk about all the time,

Starting point is 00:18:08 but Long Lost Family. I know, yeah. Because there's an episode of, you ever seen it? Never even heard of it. It's on TLC, it's one of the greatest shows I've ever made. It's pretty incredible to watch. It's incredible. What's it about?

Starting point is 00:18:17 It's about either someone that was adopted or somebody that gave up a kid for adoption, they try to find them and they reunite. And it's super sweet. So there was this one girl on it, and I think it was the first season. She's from California. Am I boring you? No, dude, I'm listening.

Starting point is 00:18:34 I just don't like the way you do that. Well, you go like that. I was burping. Okay. I'm not gonna start over. So anyway, so this is a girl, right? And when she was like 19 years old, some guy said, you're Italian. She said, I'm not Italian. You look anyway, so this is girl right and when she was like 19 years old some guy said

Starting point is 00:18:45 What you're Italian she's I'm not Italian you look at your face. You're Italian so she went to home She got this guy said that I'm Italian. I'm not Italian and then her mom goes Oh your dad's really not your real dad and told her that oh that would kill you man It would just keep lying. Yeah, yeah at some point. You say no you're not fucking Italian I think she would the mom was holding in for so long and it was like she was waiting for a window and that was The window it was killing her it was killing her so and the girl freaks out like what the fuck is she like yeah I mean she you that's your dad. She he loves you like you know yeah Yeah, but I want it so then 20 years later

Starting point is 00:19:19 This show comes about and she's like I want to try to find this guy and he knew so she Had an animal sanctuary in California. She raised llamas and Sanctuary yeah, we're working on it. We're working on it. We're working on it, right and so So they find the guy right and he's like a park ranger in Oregon, and he has an animal sanctuary. No way. It's in her blood. Yeah, so what I'm saying is that, you know,

Starting point is 00:19:53 and then when they met, they look exactly alike. And they just, in the show, they're just bonded. Like it was an instant. So beautiful. Right, and so it's like, she's not gonna go, he's not gonna go, hey, can I have some of your mamas? Like, that's your parent around. Right.

Starting point is 00:20:07 No, they just wanna meet. Yeah, but. Yeah, I mean, so what I'm saying is that, cause he has a bigger sanctuary than he does, right, you know, he's not gonna go, give me some of your fucking marsupials. He might. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:18 He's got a lot of platypus. Right, so what I'm saying, if you find your biological dad, you just wanna meet him, and who knows, there might be a connection He might ask for anything. How do you know you're like you you're assuming that that's like you don't know Because then if he does you know let me put my fucking smart hat on Okay, okay, so

Starting point is 00:20:40 It didn't work you yeah with your hair out front you look like that kid from up It didn't work you Yeah with your hair out front you look like that kid from up What if you're coming to the front you look like a little fat kid from up? Oh, yeah that kid That's exactly what you look like right now Yeah, I'm so cute you you are so cute. That's you. Oh, yeah, that's a hundred percent you when your hair goes up Let me see I can do that kid. That's you. That's you Adorable dude so adorable dude, dude. You're so adorable, dude. But I fuck like a machine.

Starting point is 00:21:08 Okay. And I have to throw that out there. So, so. No, I just, everyone, I'm cute, but ladies, I fuck like a machine. Anyway. Okay. Did you ever, did you ever get a, did you ever get a backup dad? A backup dad?

Starting point is 00:21:20 Yeah, a stepdad. Stepdad, yeah. Of course. Is he still around? No, he and my mom got divorced like probably six, seven years ago, something like that. Now is she gonna swing again, your mom, or do you think this is it?

Starting point is 00:21:30 Oh, she's dating a new guy, yeah. Would she get married for the third time, you think? She was never married the first time. Okay, right. Second time. What we're basically trying to ask you is, if she was single and I'm single, can I go out with her?

Starting point is 00:21:42 Because your mom and him might be the same age. How old is your mom? Oh no, my mom's 48. Dude, you're fucking 52. You're older than his mom. Your mom's 48? Yeah. I'm 52.

Starting point is 00:21:56 I know. God dude, I'm the same age as your mom. First of all, you could never. Yeah, you could never. She's an angel. No, stop, stop, stop stop stop no she wouldn't yeah just stop stop stop stop stop everyone stop okay because what he just did maybe you stop honestly I'm sorry I know he's a big star she said you can't

Starting point is 00:22:15 my show my show okay dude your show all right all right so it's so can we listen I am a decaptan now you are the guy so what I'm asking you mr. Rife is that I ain't good enough for your mom dog What is that? I know I just What yeah, yeah, yeah, hey man, I ain't gonna for your mom dog No, he's from Ohio. Oh doesn't smoke American spirits. Okay, she smokes Marlboro light. But if I called you and I said, yo dude, Matt's your stepdad, Bob, that would feel weird? Yeah. Yeah.

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Starting point is 00:27:03 and investing for your future today. Okay, what do you think you could offer me as a father figure? This is good. This is like shark tank. Okay. What I can offer you is spiritual guidance. Spiritual guide guide. Yes.

Starting point is 00:27:18 Spiritual guidance. Did I stutter dog? I did. Yeah. So you couldn't be my dad. What could you teach me about spiritual guidance? Like are you teaching me how to fight my spiritual animal? Well, I don't know what the problem is right now, dude.

Starting point is 00:27:28 Maybe I'm lost. Maybe I'm trying to- What are you lost about? Maybe I'm trying to navigate who I'm gonna be for the rest of my life. Okay, what I would- What would you offer me for advice? Well, what I would sit down with you is right now,

Starting point is 00:27:36 as seriously an exercise, and I'd say just put your hands on wherever the surface of that. Of this pool floating? Yeah, pool floating, yeah. And just really feel the texture, the temperature of it, right? Feels plasticky, yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:48 Feel your feet, you're grounded, right? Yeah, one of them. The smells right now, right? Whatever you're smelling, even the office smell, right? Edamame. Exactly, a little edamame, right? The air conditioning, you can hear that little purr, right? Yeah, it's a window unit.

Starting point is 00:28:03 And all those senses right now really just kind of fucking cling onto those fucking senses. Right now, that's the only thing that exists now. The present? The present moment. Is it working? Wow.

Starting point is 00:28:16 Is it working? It's actually pretty good. Is it working? It's pretty good. What I'm saying is that, Matt, you see one side of me, but there's many sides to Namaste, Bobby Lee. Namaste, Bobby Lee. And I have other knowledge and wisdom that I could give you,

Starting point is 00:28:31 but you're not just open, you're not open to it, right? So for you to say that I'm not good enough for your mother is quite frankly rude. By the way, a spiritual, an aggressive, passive aggressive spiritual coach is so funny. Yeah, man, So funny, dude. Passive aggressive spiritual coach. What kind of toxic Mr. Miyagi shit is this?

Starting point is 00:28:48 You feel that? For you to even think that I can get you. I won't, I won't, I won't. I won't. His mom is an angel. You gaslit me in my own therapy. Yeah. I know, I know.

Starting point is 00:28:59 His mom is an angel? I know, she is. But you know, it's just rude for him to say that. It's not, it's his mom. It's not that I think she could do better. I do How about this okay? No, here's what I'm afraid of as a third-party viewer of all this uh-huh You're gonna come in there try to get into this family cuz you want some of his llamas

Starting point is 00:29:25 You don't have as many llamas as he does, but I got llamas, old llamas. Buddy, your farm. And from different countries. Your farm needs a new fence. Okay. This motherfucker has acreage. Okay, can I just say- You understand? Yeah, when it comes to llamas though, right? All you need is a certain amount of llamas to survive. Yeah, you were worried about selling out Stand Up Live,

Starting point is 00:29:37 okay, so you're, you know what I'm saying? That's it. You know what I'm saying? It's a comedy club? Yeah, guy's doing fucking arenas. I think he's got a couple of more, couple more llamas. We did so not, but it's just different. We?

Starting point is 00:29:49 Yeah, together. Together, yeah. Together. Oh really, oh really? All right, all right. What's the timing in Gar-a-Fongo? Right, you're a solo artist, fine, let's move on. Was Bobby on Dave?

Starting point is 00:29:58 I can't wait till the E Street Band leaves you, Matt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we go back to, so Matt, what I'm saying is that the guy that your mom's dating now, not that I wanna destroy the relationship with him, but what I'm just hypothetically saying is that you've met him before? Yeah, you like him.

Starting point is 00:30:16 So let me, I can already bet this. No. I might have more llamas than him. You probably do. Yes. Okay, way more credits. I'm looking at my MD. Has he been on TV or film? He was in jail, so probably do. Yes. Okay way more credits. I'm looking my MD. Has he been on TV or film?

Starting point is 00:30:26 He was in jail. So probably cops. Hey Show that's a good show. I really show Yeah, yeah love that show Also, I I've never cheated anybody good. That's a truth. That's good. Good thing. I always pay for meals good That's a good thing. Okay two for two ballet and whatnot and Guess what pal? For your birthday. Mm-hmm you get not something that has a price tag to it But something ingenious and something that you're gonna go you know what I'm gonna put this on my mantle. It's an origami towel

Starting point is 00:31:01 You should see this guy make a swan on a bed. Yeah, it's unbelievable No, I would be very mindful about making you something that you're gonna go. Oh, that was you know really thoughtful So that's it Wow I threw my pitch What do you think? All right, I'm out you know why you're saying that and let's move on it's because I'm Korean yeah, no yeah, you're being racist That's not true. That's not that's not that's not true. Yeah, let's move on. It's because I'm Korean. Yeah. No. Yeah, you're being racial. That's not true. That's not true. Let's move on.

Starting point is 00:31:29 Yeah, yeah. Well, my mom's single. Are you single right now? I am. Oh, you are? Good for you. Well, my mom's single. How old's your mom?

Starting point is 00:31:37 80. Ageless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But her vag, 23. Really? Reconstructive or? Just oils and stuff. It's essentials. Her badge, 23. Really? Reconstructive or? They're just oils instead. It's essentials.

Starting point is 00:31:47 You know. She just burns incense above it. She lives in a genie lamp. You gotta rub the lamp to get her out of there. Do you think your mom would ever date again? Being the older and age. It's dead. The shop's closed.

Starting point is 00:32:00 We'll see. Yeah, there's no more moguls. Old rickety gate down there. Yeah, it's rickety. Yeah. So the last time I talked. Old rickety gate down there. Yeah, it's rickety. Yeah. Yeah. So the last time I talked to you, you were in a relationship. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:10 And then who broke up with who? We broke up. Together, mutual. Yeah. That's the best answer I've ever heard. We broke up. Yeah. It's just not the right time.

Starting point is 00:32:17 Can I ask you what, because I have a checklist of what I like in a woman. Okay. So can I ask you some checklists? By all means. Okay. So from a scale of one to 10, what's the number, the lowest number you'll go?

Starting point is 00:32:32 Like, in terms of looks, just physical. Aesthetically? Aesthetically, yeah. We're talking like LA numbers, or like genuinely recognized? Real world numbers. Real world numbers.

Starting point is 00:32:42 In Ohio eight, I think. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Yeah, that's my standard. In Ohio 8. Oh, I owe it. That's great. Does she need a college education?

Starting point is 00:32:51 No. OK. Do you have a college education? I didn't graduate high school. Yeah, he didn't finish high. Do you have a GED? I have what's equivalent to a GED. Can we order him a GED, please?

Starting point is 00:33:00 Yeah, let's get it. Can you just get them on Amazon Prime? Yeah, you can. Yeah, we can get it same day if we order it before. What? Yeah. OK, she can. Yeah, we can get it same day if we order it before. What? Yeah. Okay, she says to you, Matt, I hate all animals.

Starting point is 00:33:11 Ooh. Tough. That's really tough. That's, hates them? I mean, she says, I just like, if I'm around, I'll touch him and stuff, but it's like, I'll never own a dog. No, I'm out.

Starting point is 00:33:21 Let's be two candidates for him. And you be that girl, I'll be this girl and we'll see who. Okay. We'll see. Well, let's start from the beginning because I want to introduce myself. Yeah, go ahead. Okay.

Starting point is 00:33:30 Okay. Pass. Pass. No, I'm sorry, go ahead. Yeah, just disregard this. I'm a Ohio A. Okay, okay. Okay.

Starting point is 00:33:40 Just visualize it Ohio A, right? Okay. Yeah. My name is Shooky Shooky. Yeah. And my last name is Shooky Shooky. Yeah. And my last name is Shaka. So I go by Shooky Shooky Shaka. Okay.

Starting point is 00:33:53 Junior. Anyway, so I never want to call it. I don't have an accent. I don't want to have an accent. You do? Shut up. Shooky Shooky you do? I don't want one.

Starting point is 00:34:04 Okay. Because I don't think you like it. All right. I might like it. No, no, I just want to do? Shut up. Shooky Shooky you do? I don't want one. Okay. Because I don't think you like it. All right. I might like it. No, no, I just wanna do this. I'm Shooky Shooky Shama. Okay.

Starting point is 00:34:10 All right. Okay Shooky. Yeah. All right. Anyway, yeah, so I never went to college, but it's like, I really don't have any dreams or aspirations and I hate animals. Like if I see a llama or if I see like a mongoose

Starting point is 00:34:22 or something, I'll go, oh, look, there it is. And I might like touch it, but touch it, but I have no connection. I'm never connected with an animal. And I just think the animals are out there for eating. You won me at the end. Big fan of eating animals, but also I feel like animals kind of connect with your soul a little bit.

Starting point is 00:34:40 So to have never connected with an animal is a bit of a red flag a little bit But I I have a talent and what's that and I make sculptures out of pine cones What's the scale of these pine cones I use maple syrup because I'm Canadian as well The Canadian and I do this art with pine cones and needles. Pine needles. All right. I like a girl who sells shit on Etsy.

Starting point is 00:35:10 Yeah, and the last one I did was of one, I did a big sculpture of Brian Ferry. Of what? Brian Ferry, the lead singer of Roxy Music. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So you described it and some yeah, and also and also Toto The band Toto no Toto the dog From from Wizard of Oz. Yeah, it's like a brine fairy and totos on his shoulder and the other other other one Right is Jaime Jaime from Harry Potter. What's her name Hermione Hermione? Yeah, and it made herione out of all pine needles I'm back yeah it doesn't look spiky what's your Harry Potter house my

Starting point is 00:35:54 Harry Potter house yeah well you know it's like um I don't do Dumbledore you think the house is Dumbledore, I fucked him when I was there Which is he's old but no Hufflepuff Okay, I'm Hufflepuff. Okay, that's pretty Ravenclaw. I what I kicked out of Ravenclaw. You're me but Hufflepuff for sure Who's this? Yeah, who's this fine piece of meat? Whoa? First of all, hey Yeah, yeah, we've met we've met Suki Shaka. Remember us Suki, Shaka, remember us, go ahead. I'm Martha. I'm 6'8". I like sushi. I have never wiped once, poop or pee. I don't believe in matching shoes. I drive a Geo Metro. I live in Acton. Acton? Acton. Acton, Ohio.

Starting point is 00:36:46 Yes. And I'll suck your bone dry. Sold. Wow. It's literally all it took. Wow. Pretty easy. All it took.

Starting point is 00:36:56 So the sucking bone dry is good. Yeah, man. No pine cones. Just get your fucking potatoes. Well, I mean, she has a dream, fuckface. Ew. I'm trying to support my own. No, I know, but you don't want somebody

Starting point is 00:37:06 that has a dream, fucknard? No! No. All right. No, preferably they have a dream. Here's what I don't like. When I'm going on a date and I go, what do you want to do?

Starting point is 00:37:15 And they're like, I don't, nothing. Oh yeah, that's insane. That's such a turnoff. What do people, you know what's interesting? I'm sure you're a very eligible bachelor, right? What are you now doing, cause you're not on the apps, what are you doing to meet people now?

Starting point is 00:37:32 I don't meet anybody. So you just are- I don't date anybody. If it's organic and you meet through a friend or through the grapevine. I suppose, but dude I'm- But you're out, for now you're not interested. Yeah, I'm not interested in anybody.

Starting point is 00:37:44 Good for you. I just, I can really, yeah, I'm not interested in anybody. Good for you. I just, I can't. Stay working. Actually, but be careful on the work part. Do you remember what I told you at Burt's premiere? Do you remember when I pulled you aside and what I told you? Yeah, don't go to Bobby's house.

Starting point is 00:37:56 Don't go to Bobby's house? Yeah. Verbatim. What'd you say at Burt's premiere? I said to you, I'm proud of you, I'm happy for you, and I said, just don't let them work you to death. And they sure did. And then within like a month, we were in-

Starting point is 00:38:10 I saw that, yeah. Riverside or some shit, and this motherfucker announced like a three year tour. I'm like, they got us ass. They got us good, dude. Yeah. How are you feeling touring as much as you are? Well, I had to take two weeks off,

Starting point is 00:38:23 because I almost, I thought I was going to fucking die. I went seven straight days without a single minute of sleep whatsoever. Wow. And I was doing this casino in, um, was it Sun Valley in NorCal? I don't know, maybe. I have no idea. One of those casinos up there? Yeah, sure.

Starting point is 00:38:37 And I was on like four days of no sleep. And I'm sitting down, I got this fucking wireless hands-free mic now. Yeah. I'm one of those. Yeah. Joel Olste fucking wireless, hands-free mic now. I'm one of those Joel Osteen. Little hands-free boy. And I'm sitting down the whole time holding on, holding on to the stool, trying to keep myself from falling over.

Starting point is 00:38:52 I can't look out into the crowd. My vision's just going so in and out, and I'm like, if I just get through this, I have three days off before my next show, I'll just rest. I didn't sleep for those entire three days. Why? So then when I just, I couldn't sleep. I just can't sleep.

Starting point is 00:39:06 I'm glad you didn't remember it because it was a good piece of advice. But I did mean it when I said it to you because being genuine, I've known you for so long. I've seen your career. It's been wonderful. You've been humble the whole time. You've been a gracious dude.

Starting point is 00:39:20 You've worked through all sorts of bullshit. A lot of up and downs. From a perspective that America may not know, I've seen you do the gambit. I've seen you run the gambit from a very low, low level that I saw you at when you first started and you were young. And I think what's wild is people think,

Starting point is 00:39:38 well, this is what you asked for. But when I said that to you was because we're a little older, I've seen it before and I was like, just don't let them run you into the ground. And of course they ran you into the fucking ground. And we had heard, because we know your old team and all that stuff, and when you announced all that shit, I thought, you gotta be careful, dude,

Starting point is 00:39:55 because they'll work you till you break. You're also allowed to say no. You're allowed to say no. I say no all the time. I didn't know that at the time, when you're used to having nothing, hearing no, no, no, no, no, no, and then you're getting all yeses,

Starting point is 00:40:05 of course you don't know how to, when they're offering you a paycheck for one show that's more than you've ever made in your entire life combined, who in their right mind knows how to turn that down? Dude, trust me, I told you, I get it, and I said go get your thing, but also you have to watch out for you

Starting point is 00:40:19 because you will have an emotional breakdown. Theo's talked about it, we've talked to Theo about it. He called me just the other day to check in. He's had big heavy hits where it's tough. Sometimes if you're just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, this is not, this goes away. You lose your shit. The last year and a half,

Starting point is 00:40:34 I've been doing 40 to 50 shows a month. Oh my God, dude. Yeah, it's been. Do you owe the mafia a bunch of money? What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? A gambling problem? I thought I could handle it.

Starting point is 00:40:45 I really thought I could do it. I promise you can't. Apparently, I couldn't. When I had to take these two weeks off from shows, it was fucking brutal. I never thought I was going to have to do that, but I was just like, I cannot possibly fucking perform. And it was because I was on a tour bus for nine months.

Starting point is 00:41:00 So every day was Groundhog Day, right? I would perform till 2 o'clock in the morning, stay awake till 5 or 6, then try to go to bed. Couldn't sleep, so I'd sleep till like 2 p.m. I'd stay on the bus, which was wrapped, so basically blacked out, until like 4 p.m., just meetings, writing, whatever. I'd go outside. I'd see the sunlight for like 2 minutes a day, walking to the gym and walking back, and then I'd do the shows and repeat. So when I had to come back here and take all these doctor's appointments, they were like, like oh, dude on top of you have like severe insomnia and like really bad anxiety I don't know if you've ever talked to anybody about this before

Starting point is 00:41:31 But it's not even that you have a bad circadian rhythm. You don't even have one at all It's like you know when you have a baby you have to like teach your baby when it's supposed to go to sleep like what? Nighttime is right and that's all based on sunlight. I never knew that. I knew sunlight was good for like vitamin D or whatever and good for like your immune system, but I had no idea it had to do with your sleep clock as much, so my body and brain had no idea when it was supposed to go to sleep, ever. So I had to like, those two weeks off,

Starting point is 00:41:57 I had to like retrain my brain to like, be like, okay, stick to some kind of loose schedule, at least a little, and new meds. Are you staying clean outside of that though? You're not a big drinker, drug user, you don't do any of that stuff. I don't really drink unless I'm like, maybe four times a year I'll drink.

Starting point is 00:42:13 But stay off of it, because that's the one thing that I think gets people, you're on the road and you think, well I'll do this because this will help, or I'll pop a pill, or take a drink, or smoke, and that's when it starts to spiral, especially in your case when you're like, just constant, constant, constant, constant. So it's good to stand away from it.

Starting point is 00:42:30 But also Matt, serious note, I'm gonna put on my serious hat, okay? It's about longevity too, you know? Of course. That's the hard part. Him and I, we've been around for a long time, you know? Him longer than me. How old are you since you know?

Starting point is 00:42:45 40. He's 40. Yeah, I'm 52. Yeah, I know. Well, but I've looked 40 since you met. I started when I was 23. Oh my God. And since the 90s all the way to now.

Starting point is 00:42:55 And it's like, and there was a lot of opportunities I didn't get. And also I admit I was never like the kind of what you got, you know what I mean? I never got what? What do you mean? Well you were never yet? Dude dude yeah, you're you're being so Fucking rude right now. It makes me so fucking mad you were never

Starting point is 00:43:24 Fucking rude right now. It makes me so fucking mad. You were never Talking about right now. You were never hot no shit. I'm saying no shit. You didn't get a phone call Oh, do you make me so did you ever made me this man since the early days? They're good, and I'll fuck you to hot off. Oh you fuck you porky Tim this is so hot. Anyway. Yeah, you never got these opportunities. But you got some amazing saying. But you had amazing opportunities. I've done a lot of great things in my career.

Starting point is 00:43:54 But what I'm saying is that it's just know that you're always going to work. I think the thing in our minds is like, if I don't do it now, it's going gonna disappear. It's not. Now it comes about in different forms.

Starting point is 00:44:10 You might do. See? See? You might do bigger things, right? Or you might, you know what I mean? There'll be a couple of slim years, but trust me, you will have, you'll come back and then you'll back, and that's what life is.

Starting point is 00:44:26 Like this, like this. Are you okay? No. Fuck, dude. It's like this, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, the roller coaster. Back and forth like this.

Starting point is 00:44:38 The roll. Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. This feels racist even to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what, you know. That's the inside of your grandfather clock. Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha all the time, but that's not helping this thing. No, of course. Just because you're staying in shape, it's not gonna help your brain. And a lot of people don't understand, it's like, okay, you get to this point, what is there to be anxious about?

Starting point is 00:45:10 You made it, right? But it's like, okay, well how do you keep making it? It's easy to have a hot couple of years, but then you go, okay, the anxieties of like, okay, am I ever gonna have money to support a family or anything like that? That's cool, that's taken care of. But it's like, how hard this moment is right now,

Starting point is 00:45:27 I go, fuck, like what's the next 60 years like? Well, but who cares? I would say this, I'd say the one thing I would say is, if you're not enjoying it, no matter what you acquire, will never be worth it. That was the hardest part. No matter what you, no matter what, if it's not fun anymore and it's just work

Starting point is 00:45:47 for the prospective future of the hope that I'll be settled at some point, you're never gonna, you're gonna lose your mind and you'll get there and you'll be miserable as fuck. You'll have whatever you need and you'll go, fuck, this sucks, I don't even like this. Yeah, there would definitely be times in doing, you know, 10 to 14 shows a week that I'm like,

Starting point is 00:46:07 there was nothing that upset me more than whenever I would go, I don't feel like performing. It's like, dude, you have a theater full of fucking people right now, you would have killed to just have one of these shows like this ever in your lifetime, and you didn't feel like doing it because it just felt like Groundhog Day over and over again. So the best part was like having my friends around

Starting point is 00:46:23 to remind me of that and make the entire experience as fun as humanly possible. How many people do you take on the road? There's my videographer, my photographer, two openers. Two people, same two guys? Yeah, hosting a feature. I keep the same host and then my features just kind of in and out.

Starting point is 00:46:40 Yeah, it depends. I just, Eric Griffin was with me in Atlantic City. Hosting? Not featuring. Let's move him down to host. Happily. Yeah, let's move him to host. Don't you think he loves you so much?

Starting point is 00:46:50 He loves you so much. He loves you so much. Yeah, he talked about you last night. I ran into him last night. Oh, really? Draft King Sportsbook. We had the appetizer last week. Now it's time to feast.

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Starting point is 00:48:57 Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's BetterH-E-L-P.com. So that you don't say it. Bobby. So you know who Guy Torrey is? Yeah. So Guy Torrey once told me, he goes, you know why I'm happy?

Starting point is 00:49:12 I go, why? In my career? He goes, I don't have like the amount of money that some of these guys have, but every year there's certain milestones and markers that I look for. And it's, am I doing something different than I did last year, right?

Starting point is 00:49:25 Because the whole thing about this business is about surprise and living life experiences. And Matt, you know, maybe you'll spend a year maybe doing a movie. You have some movies coming out, right, or no? You already shot some? No, we've got like six in development for next year. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:49:40 Once those start, then you're gonna be in a town for, I want them to have doing that and meeting different actors and doing that creatively. You're gonna do different things, right? So just as long as every year you're mixing it up and not just constantly touring, cause then that would be, that's like a sad life. You'll burn out.

Starting point is 00:49:58 You'll burn out. You'll just burn out. We don't want you to burn out. I think that was pretty good advice. That was really good advice. That was really good advice. Thank you. All right, I need to ask this

Starting point is 00:50:05 because I know it's not favorable conversation, but I am curious. You have become very successful since we've seen you on this rise. Have you spoiled yourself? Have you done something where you're like, I bought a thing and I did a thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:22 And I never could do it before. I bought my mama house was the first thing I did. Great. Great, a class act. Class act. Class act. I just bought my first house. You bought her house first?

Starting point is 00:50:31 Yeah. You're a class act. What city did you buy it at? Mine or hers? Hers. Hers, she's in Georgia, outside of Atlanta. Book a flight. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:41 Okay, good to know. Just give us the address. Yeah, yeah. No. And then you bought one here in LA? No, I don't live here anymore. I live in Rhode Island. Wow. Why? This city's dead, dude.

Starting point is 00:50:54 There it is. This city's so, there's no energy. Drive down Sunset Boulevard on a weekend night. There's no traffic. Why'd you pick Rhode Island? It wasn't even the top ten places I looked, trust me. I just, there was three things on my checklist. I wanted land, I wanted to get what I was

Starting point is 00:51:09 actually fucking paying for, and I found this massive place for probably the same price as a two bedroom with no yard. Yeah, two bedroom, one bath out here. Yeah. I wanted to get what I was paying for in land. Needed to have some kind of a comedy scene, and Providence has a comedy connection out there, it's a great club.

Starting point is 00:51:26 Boston's 45 minutes away, amazing comedy scene, and also convenient for travel. Well, I guess that was a third. And Providence is like my Burbank airport, and Boston's my LAX, so it really stays about the same. But dude, it's so beautiful. I've never been a morning person, as we just discussed, my sleeping problems.

Starting point is 00:51:44 Every single day I wake up there, the seven days I've been there in the past four months, I's so beautiful. I've never been a morning person, as we just discussed, my sleeping problems. Every single day I wake up there, the seven days I've been there in the past four months I've owned it. Yeah, you don't even live there. I wake up so happy. It is so fucking beautiful. That's wonderful, dude.

Starting point is 00:51:54 Yeah, I'm so happy I did that. So nothing here, no apartment here, no connection to Los Angeles anymore. No, I couldn't, dude. My business manager's explained that, I looked into even just getting like a condo here or something, if I own any kind of property here because I've Lived here for 11 years. They'll say that this is still correct. Yeah, that's that's my vacation home somewhere

Starting point is 00:52:10 So I'll still get a couch Yeah, so I'll do you ever visited before nope Wow no I just went I was performing at Mohegan Sun Five shows out there or something like like that And she dropped about an hour away. You see what he just did? You see what he just did? Don't like it. They made us play the parking lot of Mohegan Sun.

Starting point is 00:52:31 We did Mohegan Sun set. We didn't even get the fucking full sun. Yeah, I remember. Mohegan Moon. Oh yeah, fuck dude. It was an hour away and we were all like, I found it on Zillow and I was like, I'll peep this real quick.

Starting point is 00:52:43 We went and checked it out and I was like, oh this is like one show at Mohe Sun awesome, so wow wow good for you It was awesome to wow buying your mama house first was a class act a cool thing to do when you know when you told her How did you tell her I? Told her I called her I was like hey, I call like it was like maybe like a week after the the tour sold out It's like obviously the first time. I knew I was gonna have any money at all. I was like, hey, in your fucking face. You know, I told you I was a silly bitch.

Starting point is 00:53:10 And then, no, obviously, no, I've called her very lighthearted. I was like, hey, things worked out finally. Now that I have some money, I wanna take care of you. You know, you still have to work, but your bills are taken care of. Right. Wow. I bought her a car the year before when things were just kind of starting to take off a little bit.

Starting point is 00:53:26 Oh wait, let's guess the car. Can you guess the car? Go ahead. Hers? Yeah. A Tesla. No. In Georgia? She would have no idea what to do with a Tesla.

Starting point is 00:53:34 He bought her an F350. She would think it's possessed. A lifted truck, an F350 lifted truck with hydraulic jacked up. Truck nuts. Yeah, truck nuts dangling. Smoke stack. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:43 Come on, Matt, let's go, dude. What'd you buy her? She wanted a Hyundai, dude. Really? Yeah, no nuts dangling. Smoke stack. Yeah. Come on Matt, let's go dude! What'd you buy her? She wanted a Hyundai dude. Really? Yeah, no expensive taste. Humble Humble Pie. That's awesome. She thought it was a nice car.

Starting point is 00:53:52 They are really good Korean cars. Yeah, very good. Is that Hyundai Korean? It's got Dilithium lifts and aspection. Yeah. Beep-a-beep-a. Yeah, she didn't ask for anything crazy. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:54:00 Go to that, go to the house. She was excited about it. You know, best son ever Oh Pride it was the first time I had heard that give a sister or brother Yeah, I have four sisters. Are they by large or faffy? No three half sisters one Three stepsisters one half sister one half sister. Oh, we don't know who's biological is this guy I know yeah, you look like my biological closest with the half sister Closer than the step sisters, yes.

Starting point is 00:54:25 Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I would say so. Is one of them an evil step sister? An evil step sister? Yeah, like the fairy tales? None more than the others, I suppose. If your step sister went, hey man, I'm down on my luck.

Starting point is 00:54:40 I've been using fentanyl, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, doing the fentanyl, I'm not shooting it up anymore, you know what I mean? I drop four of them in my eyeballs. I just drip them fentanyl. Go ahead. Yeah, fentanyl. I'm not shooting it up anymore. I drop four in my eyeballs. I just drip them in my eyeballs. Anyway, I need about 20 grand, because I'm dying. I would say Bobby Lee is single, and he has a lot of llamas. Hit him up.

Starting point is 00:54:58 You would do that? I would do that for you. I would. I don't want it. I would do that for you. I don't want your sister, y'all, fucking drop sister. You don't want all three of them? No.

Starting point is 00:55:07 Are they hot? Okay. No. No. Turn right around. What do you mean? Why do you, no, no, let me. You were first no then you're like, probably hot.

Starting point is 00:55:15 When you ask like, you know, hey, is your brother hot? Why is that like your sister? Your sister's hot. You have a hot sister? This is why. Hold on, you have a picture of my sister? Yeah, your sister's hot and guess what dude?

Starting point is 00:55:23 Yeah, dog. Do you want me to hurt you today? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess I'm gonna hurt you. What are you doing, you gotta go? No, I'm sweating. Oh, God, man. Look at those stretch marks from when he gave birth.

Starting point is 00:55:32 Isn't that crazy? You don't got anything like that. How many days of the week are you in the gym, bud? Five, six? Six or seven. Listen to that, Bob. How many days of the week have you gone to the gym this year?

Starting point is 00:55:44 How many days have you gone to the gym this year? I haven't been to the gym in 12 years. And look at this. Uh-uh. And this looks good. This is good. I don't do any movement. Like I rarely move.

Starting point is 00:55:57 Little mental movement. I do, but it's like I don't do really anything. I go upstairs. That was kind of a crunch, the lean back again. Yeah, thank you, thank you. Make it forward. Thank you, thank you. Don't shame me. I'm not, I'm hyping you up. Yeah, yeah, I'm not crunch Yeah, thank you. Thank you Don't don't don't don't shame me. I'm not I'm hyping you. Yeah. Yeah, you know I'm not just like you

Starting point is 00:56:15 That's high that's hype dude, that's all hype Yeah, but um you know I do fine in the arena of the opposite sex even though I look like this No, but I say you I want you to go to the gym for your health I don't give a fuck about the why I, I really, I'm trying to get my doctor to get me on a Zimpic. Please don't do that. Would you really do it? I'm asking my doctor to do it. Please don't do that.

Starting point is 00:56:31 I have to do it. Please. Who's your doctor, Ken? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there goes my career.

Starting point is 00:56:39 That was a lot. There goes my career, because I'm not as close. That was a lot. I know. That was a lot, then. It was a big laugh. Yeah, it was a funny thing. Oh, it was a great joke. It was a good joke, but that was a lot.

Starting point is 00:56:46 I know. I just knew how it affected you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Zampic. No, I'm gonna get on it. I'm gonna get on it because- Please don't do it. I swear to God.

Starting point is 00:56:55 It can't be good for you, dude. I don't care. I'll die. Let's go through the side effects. Yeah, let's go. Oh. Nausea, constipation, you have those already. Diarrhea, you got it.

Starting point is 00:57:03 Dizziness, you got it. I already looked, I have all of it right now. But thyroid cancer. I don't have that all right burping. Yeah What's this dysphagia? Oh you mean dysphagia right here Zempic breath what do we think that smells like dude that was dude that was funny. Thanks, dog. Ozymphic breath. What do we think that smells like? Dude, that was funny. Thanks, dog. Don't do it again, dude. Shut up, do what I want, it's my show.

Starting point is 00:57:31 Hypoglycemic, blurred vision. Yeah. All right, look at this. One theory suggests the drug could be contributing to gut dysbiosis. Inbalances of bacteria in the intestine that can lead to a variety of digestive problems and oral health issues such as bad breath.

Starting point is 00:57:46 It's fine, I'm gonna do it for like a couple of months. Please don't. I have to do it. I look like shit and then you know what, dude. You don't look like shit. You look wonderful. I just want you to do, you look good. If you walk every day two miles.

Starting point is 00:57:59 Listen. Two miles a day. I'm gonna do the truth, okay? Yeah. I was with a girl a couple of months ago, and she goes, and she saw my naked body, we were in bed. She saw my naked body. Oh, the lights on?

Starting point is 00:58:16 Yeah, the lights on. The lights around. They're dimmed. They're dimmed. They're not like these lights. And she was looking at it not in a disgusting way, but more in, like, you know, when you used to dissect frogs in biology.

Starting point is 00:58:29 Yeah. You know what I mean? What is that? What part of that? Yeah, what is it? Is that supposed to be out like that? She goes, there's something wrong with me. And I go, why? She goes, because I know who she used to date.

Starting point is 00:58:41 She said, I dated these guys, and then this is, and I go, I looked at her with my doughy eyes, and I go I'm so sorry She goes no. I think you're sexy. I just don't know why Well because you and then she said that I was like oh as in pick I Had to be on it. No. She likes your or she said you're sexy. Yeah, but you know He questioned it you can love like a pure bread golden retriever and still Still adore like a dog from the pound. That's right. Yeah, Matt. You look like shit. No No

Starting point is 00:59:14 Anyway, so it's don't Korean Elvis So racist no, it's not yes It is for us still I still can't get over the fact that you moved all the way east yeah It bums me out. I know we have no allies here anymore, man. No, you just, you don't have to live here anymore. In the entertainment industry, you don't have to live here. Promise me one thing.

Starting point is 00:59:31 We will see you on January 6th. You're gonna come back? What's January 6th? Okay. Come on, dude. Don't play dumb with us. Will we go to the Capitol again? Our yearly trip.

Starting point is 00:59:40 Oh! Our yearly trip, dude. Oh, buddy. The excursion. Yeah, yeah. Bring the vacay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do. Yeah, yeah. Bring the pickets. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you think I move closer?

Starting point is 00:59:47 Come on, man, dude. Hit the bricks. I have some good bricks this time. Now, are you gonna break in when who wins? Anybody, we're there no matter who wins. If anybody wins, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We can go either way.

Starting point is 00:59:59 Doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I like this. You are close, you are much closer. We could use your house as a hub. We couldn't have his house as a hub. I You got a lot of land does anybody live with you Or you buy yourself on this I live with two of my boys And there's another house on my property that I also bought that another friend of mine is gonna move into

Starting point is 01:00:15 You would never charge any of these people rent or anything. Of course I do you do yeah, it's not a lot Yeah, I believe like you still have to have responsibility keep a pair of eyes You date gay appearances they won the lottery your friends. Yeah Yeah, and they fucking earn that money like it's so great when I can't sleep And I'm up till 2 o'clock in the morning editing my own shit when I can text my my videographer and be like hey when you Wake up if you can see this and he's, dude, I'm also up working right now. I'm like, I fucking love that. You still are doing work, you're still cutting clips.

Starting point is 01:00:48 You're not making other people cut. Yeah, I have to cut them because I just don't trust anybody else to do the exact timing. I mean, you know, a half second beat can change a joke. Sure. So it can just, it can lag on. I don't trust anybody else to edit it comedically. So then I edit it comedically and then I send it to him

Starting point is 01:01:03 and he does like the camera switching and the captioning and shit. It's funny because we don't do any of that shit. We have no idea. It shows. No, we just let them do it. I have no idea how to do it. I mean, I in theory could learn or I've learned in the past

Starting point is 01:01:13 but. Oh no, bro, I had to go to my friend's house and he had to download Premiere Pro on my laptop and then I recorded him teaching me for an hour how to do Premiere Pro. And then for like months after I had to watch that video anytime I was Awesome. Wow the fact that you like the fact that you did it though is great I mean that just shows you're still doing it on your own and like I don't have a dog

Starting point is 01:01:32 You have a dog. No God, I want you gotta get a dog gone too much. I can't I know that's the thing I'm not gonna get a little I know but you but also you're the guys they go on tour with you Yeah, you gotta get a couple of guys that live there that don't go on tour with you. So they can take care of the cat, because I know you're gonna get one dog and two cats. No. I can feel it. No, no, more dogs than cats.

Starting point is 01:01:54 No, he's gonna get one dog. You're not gonna like the cats. I might get a little farm cat. Yeah, yeah. That could be kind of cute. You mean an outdoor cat? Yeah. I have three cats.

Starting point is 01:02:03 They're the best. They're all outdoor cats. How are they? They're inside. Ming just pisses us all over every furniture that I have. Yeah, I have three cats. They're the best. They're all outdoor cat. How were they inside? Well, what me just pisses all over every furniture that I have. Yeah, it's awful. It's awful. Which one's your favorite? Gunnar Gunnar's the best. His name is Gunnar Yeah, do you know why? Why? Well, you don't your little mind can't understand it So that was so rude

Starting point is 01:02:21 It's not even like it. Yeah, you're good. Dude. That was so rude. He's an arsenal soccer fan. Yeah, oh What arsenal team arsenal is that soccer team? Yeah, North London, North London Beans on toasting come North London over here. We root for No, I'm a swimming. You know we root for Anyway, how come you don't play England back? I am in September I'm coming. What are you playing? Oh to a ruler not yet? What are you playing in England? I don't even know there's a bunch of theaters the Royal Wunga Dunga Palace. Yeah, I want to do Royal Albert Hall more than anything Oh, we'll let you in

Starting point is 01:03:01 You would have to talk to the Queen Get a digger up. They're all digger up. Is it alright lady? Praise the royal What a talent, okay? Yeah, whole plate of bangers and mash man Do we should start a sketch group? Don't you think we should start a scratch group? No, man Okay, okay, fuck it, but I can I just get one last piece of advice before I, you know what I mean? More advice.

Starting point is 01:03:28 One last one. Yeah, all right. Okay, last thing is, cause you gotta be very picky on what projects you do. Okay? No, take them all. No, no, no. Take it from this guy.

Starting point is 01:03:37 I passed on Borderlands, I'm way ahead of you. God, this guy's so good. I'm kidding, they did not offer it. They did not offer it. No, what I'm saying is, you know, like, when Paul Shore, Pauly Shore was, like, he said yes to the first five things. Yeah, but Incino Man was a hit. They're all fucking iconic, dude. Sun and Law, one of my favorite movies. These are all hits.

Starting point is 01:03:54 I love it. Right, in the Army now, you think that's a masterpiece? I love it! Okay, okay. It actually was a great movie. Because I'm anti-dick, yeah. I love Pauly, sorry. Anyway, let's move on.

Starting point is 01:04:01 How you talking about me, bruh? Don't yell. You yawning? Are you tired from giving people the wrong address? What's exhausting, fucking up your gig? The amount of times these guys have fucked up. We gave him a raise, I think we just gave him a raise. He keeps fucking up. Duh, duh, duh, duh, please.

Starting point is 01:04:16 He's going through some personal things. What? He's going through some personal things. I heard you were gonna send him to Spain. Are you gonna get a double mastectomy or no? Yeah, finally. Wait, mastectomy or no? Yeah, finally. Wait, mastectomy? Yeah, he's got breast cancer.

Starting point is 01:04:27 Look at those titties. You're lying, you really? Yeah. You for real have breast cancer? Mm-hmm. Like not for the bit, like do you for real? Yes. He doesn't know how to not do the bit.

Starting point is 01:04:38 You know what, by the way, good for you. Yeah, yeah, I thought that was great. Yeah, it was actually a good acting. They look real. Yeah, he doesn't have titty cancer. You are the only guy I know that was great. Yeah, it's actually good. I look real. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't have to be kissing on cancer You are the only guy I know that is of your weight class and size that has small tits You have 10 nice little tiny be cup tits. Yeah, they don't point. Uh-uh. He's like for you Justin All my weights in my stomach. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, would you prefer it in the tits? Honestly, I would

Starting point is 01:05:02 Maybe the dick Do you prefer it in the tits, honestly? I would. Maybe the dick. I think it's the dick, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you having, okay, so are you eating like a maniac? Are you doing all this, you doing diet bullshit? No, dude, that's my biggest thing. I don't eat enough for sure.

Starting point is 01:05:13 I have such a fast metabolism. That's why I work out every day because I don't retain any size. What do you eat? Are you eating anything fun or no? Yeah, dude, no, I eat fun shit all the time. You're not eating just like chicken and vegetables every day? No, I do burgers and shit.

Starting point is 01:05:24 You do whatever? All the time, yeah. Isn't that nice to be that age? You can just do that all the time. You're not eating just like chicken and vegetables every day. No, I do burgers and shit. You do whatever. All the time. Isn't that nice to be that age, you can just do that all the time? Yeah. I have a cheeseburger, I can't do anything for like a week and a half. Even acai bowls, I can't do anymore.

Starting point is 01:05:33 No. Yeah, because it's so much sugar. So too much. My left foot fell asleep yesterday. Yeah. Out of nowhere. I just took out a foot, for like a whole day, my left foot was like asleep.

Starting point is 01:05:42 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta cut it out, man. Yeah. My sugar tooth, my sweet tooth has gone through. Since I put away booze, man, my sweet tooth. You don't drink at all? No, I don't not drink at all. I just go through phases of when I just stop and then I have a couple and then I stop.

Starting point is 01:05:55 I do NA beers once in a while. I like those. Non-alcoholic beers. Yeah, I love one. That's the most alcoholic thing I can imagine drinking. Well, dude, here I am. To like to drink for the flavor, but not the results, is insane.

Starting point is 01:06:08 I love it. I like the flavor of beer. I do like the flavor. That's so gross. See, de-alkalized liquor, terrible. Like bourbon, de-alkalized, that's there. But an NA beer is pretty fucking close to the same thing. Dude, beer tastes like piss, dog.

Starting point is 01:06:23 Well, when you grow up, you'll like it. Heineken, Heineken makes- I'll let you know at eight years, I gotcha. Heineken makes a double zero beer that I think is, I don't know, it tastes, it's so clean and good, it tastes just like that, and if I'm out with friends, I'll have one of those instead of getting cooked, cause I just-

Starting point is 01:06:40 So crazy. I know. What do you drink, Bobby? When I do cowgirl- Piss, cups of piss. When I do cowgirl. Piss. Cups of piss. When I do cowgirl, I have to put a pillow between my back because my back hurts. When you're riding somebody?

Starting point is 01:06:50 No, when I'm in the back. No, when, no one's. Do you do reverse cowgirl when you're on your buddy? No, when she's on me, I have to put a pillow on my back because it hurts my back. Yeah, we're getting older. Enjoy it right now, dude. It's all gonna break down.

Starting point is 01:07:02 I don't think so. What do I like to drink? I like to drink, well, I'm in AA, you know that, right? You really? Yeah, I've been older enjoy it right now dude. It's all gonna break down. Yeah, I don't think I like to drink I like to drink well. I mean a you know that right you really yeah, I'm almost three years What really no two and a half years two and a half years. That's almost good, dude Thank you, man, of course and so um but you know if I was drinking those firewalls. I really liked firewall Yeah, like the little like the the like a cinnamon whiskey. Yeah Really like those get shit on a lot, but they actually taste kind of good. I like it The little like, like a cinnamon whiskey? Yeah. Really? I like that.

Starting point is 01:07:26 Those get shit on a lot, but they actually taste kinda good. I like it. I would get those, right from the, in Hawaii they have the little bottles. I used to drink like 15 of those. All right, that's enough. No, what? I love that.

Starting point is 01:07:37 Remember? Yeah, we do remember. Yeah, yeah. Because I relapsed when they were in this. In Hawaii? Well, they saw me in Mexico and I got drunk and they had to follow me around and be my shop owner. You had to send them to rehab.

Starting point is 01:07:49 I go one. After Hawaii. After Mexico. Oh. Somebody got shot at the resort next to us. You remember that in Cancun? No fucking way. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:58 A tourist or? No, no, they never kill a tourist. They kill a local. Oh, so it was a cartel. Cartel, 100%. No fucking way. They walked up to the guy, so it was a cartel. Cartel, 100%. No fucking way. They walked up to the guy, shot him, and then they walked out casually.

Starting point is 01:08:08 I think they took a mint on the way out. Very smooth. Yeah, yeah. It was really like, they didn't feel, they would never hurt a tourist. It would fuck up their business. That's why I've heard. But they tried to shut down the resort.

Starting point is 01:08:17 Remember this? It was a panic, and then I was freaking out because I had to put him in rehab, and he was causing me a lot of anguish, and I trying to find where he was off to, and he was hiding, and he was asking- You were hiding? Yeah, well, he was asking other people to buy him booze, and then he causing me a lot of anguish and I trying to find where he was off to and he was hiding and he was asking. You were hiding? Yeah well he was asking other people to buy him booze and then he got in a fight with me because I

Starting point is 01:08:29 wouldn't get him alcohol. Yeah. And then he locked himself in his room and he got shit on the wall he pooped all over the wall. No he did not. Yeah he did. You shit on the wall? Oh yeah. And those are like 15 foot all the way up. It's like a Basquiat thing. Yeah he's an artist. I'm not kidding, dude. I opened the door to his hotel room. There was throw up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's move on.

Starting point is 01:08:50 We can talk about some of his- No, no, no, no, no, the script, the script. There was, it looked like a 180 sprinkler head that's like, kss, kss, kss, kss, kss, kss, kss, kss. That's what it was. Woo, the good times. No, I'm glad I put you in there. Oh, man.

Starting point is 01:09:03 No, no, I feel great. He's good now. I feel free, yeah, yeah. Was that like the final straw when you just stopped being part of it? Well, I'm glad I put you in the man. Oh man. No, no, I feel great. He's good now. I feel free, yeah, yeah. Was that like the final straw when you just stopped being part of it? Well, I've had a lot of final straws in my life. I had a final straw at 17, when I was 30, I had a final straw.

Starting point is 01:09:12 Over my lifetime, I've relapsed and gone that deep. But this time, I feel like it's sticking. We've been to rehab three times together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We? I put him through rehab. You ubered him to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. put wife put me through him through

Starting point is 01:09:29 Taking care of it. They take people take it put him where he needs to belong. That's cuz I love him so much That's so the one in Tucson was the worst. I was the worst. It was a bad rehab It was like one of those places where like they I had to wake up at like 6 in the morning waiting this line I'm in like Hospital gown right and then like it's like that Queen's Gambit where they give you like a cocktail of pills. And I would go, what's in this? And they go, drink it or eat it. I would just be a zombie all day. And there was like no counseling or anything.

Starting point is 01:09:55 I was just walking around smoking cigarettes. Just a mental asylum. Yeah, it was a mental asylum. And I was there for two weeks. And then one day I just called my agent. I was like, I gotta get out of here, you know what I mean? They're drugging me, you know what I mean? And I got out and they changed facilities,

Starting point is 01:10:10 but that was a weird, do you guys remember that? It was a weird, I can't tell what place it was. You could check yourself out of rehab at any time. That one I couldn't because in the middle of the desert and like, I didn't know how. But legally, yes, correct. Yeah, I had no money. They took away my cell phone, they took away everything.

Starting point is 01:10:24 He was deliberately put in a place where you were a little more controlled. Huh, but it was too controlled. But yeah, well, yeah, I mean. It's also, I'm smoking cigars with a bunch of like 20 young kids in the middle of a soccer field. And they're just like, what are you doing here, man? And I'm just like, I don't know, man, you know.

Starting point is 01:10:42 I'm crazy. And they're like, aren't you on TV? I say, yeah.. I'm crazy. And they're like, aren't you on TV? I say, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like crazy. Yeah. Andrew, is there anything you think you're close to addicted to?

Starting point is 01:10:55 Work. That's not a bad issue. No, he has what Howie Mandel has. He can't stop. He always has to be doing something. And it's not something, it's a real thing. Yeah, probably a sickness. Like I look at him and go, what?

Starting point is 01:11:09 You're going where? What? You know what I mean? Like 24 seven. Always doing something. Yeah, and it's not healthy. No, fuck, I probably have that as well. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:18 Dude, when I had to take two weeks off, it felt like taking six months off. It was awful. Yeah, it was hard. I was going fucking nuts. I've gotten better at taking time off. We take vacations, my wife and I, we carve out time to do things,

Starting point is 01:11:32 but your work is different than my work. I mean, you're on tour, you're grinding, you're doing fucking 50 shows a month. Mine is this job, that job, this job, that job. I'm just spreading myself too thin. Of course. Something you could consider spreading yourself thin. That hurts.

Starting point is 01:11:56 I'm gonna give you a little bit of a... Beauty is pain. Okay, hey, hey. Be my little Korean Elvis, I'm sorry. Come on, give me... Hey, Memphis. We're gonna win, we're gonna win, we're gonna go. Dude, have you ever played Memphis? Elvis I'm sorry come on give me Dude have you ever played Memphis? Yeah, I was just there maybe maybe a month ago. We fucking hate it I love Memphis. Are you serious?

Starting point is 01:12:15 It's for you. They hate it. Where'd you play with? Played at Elvis's estate at Graceland. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No you did not. Yes. We did. Yes You can play at Gracelandeland you can play at the stages I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, I'm fucking furious. I think I didn't like us. They didn't like us It was like I needed us was it a live podcast you did no we did it was like we do a Ted talk about death Mm-hmm, you know hey guys what death you know everyone they were like in a fucking good song everyone in the audience had just lost somebody That's what I felt like what it felt like like everybody Ate it. We ate it. Who's one of the worst shows we ever done. You know what? I should take it back

Starting point is 01:12:52 We don't hate Memphis. We hated what happened there. Yeah, we got Louisville. What happened? I like little bad. Oh the fly in the food at Chili's. Yeah the fly in the but the show was weird Do you guys have any like stalkers or anything on tour? Yeah, the flying, but the show was weird. Do you guys have any like stalkers or anything on tour? We had one guy that was fucking in Dallas that was at the meet and greet and he was like, he goes, hey man, I broke in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:15 What? And he goes, I broke in. Asian guy, Asian guy? Yeah, Asian guy. Yeah, yeah. He goes, I broke, sorry, he goes, I broke in here. No, no, of course not. No, he goes, he goes, I broke in here, man. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I didn't, I don't even have a ticket. I don't have VIP or anything, I just broke in here. No, of course not. No, he goes, I broke in here, man.

Starting point is 01:13:25 I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I didn't, I don't even have a ticket. I don't have VIP or anything. I just broke in. He's like, this is what I do. I have a GoPro or something. He recorded himself breaking into his favorite concerts and venues.

Starting point is 01:13:35 And so we were like, cool, man. Security! Yeah. What the fuck? Why would you admit that? Yeah. Does he like post them online? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:13:43 I think he probably does a YouTube show or something about it. I mean, you gotta find it. Yeah, well, dude he like post them online? I don't know. I think he probably does a YouTube show or something about it. I mean, you gotta find it. Well, dude, I said to him, I go, hey man, as long as you're cool, chill, and you're not trying to hurt anybody, like fine, but like,

Starting point is 01:13:52 Meanwhile you're like. Don't tell anybody that. Yeah. You're gonna get arrested. Like, I'm not gonna arrest you, but they're gonna arrest you. So I was like, don't say anything, just get out of here. That's fucking terrifying.

Starting point is 01:14:01 It was weird as fuck. That was the only time. But him and I though, what my concern was, cause we had really never toured together before. Literally never toured. It was weird as fuck, that was the only time. But him and I though, what my concern was, because we had really never toured together before. Literally never toured. Literally had never done it. So in my mind I'm like,

Starting point is 01:14:10 what is gonna affect our relationship or our friendship? But I don't think it, I think it strengthened it. You gotta share a room? No, but we're- Then you're doing it wrong. Yeah, I know. You're supposed to share a double tree. Really?

Starting point is 01:14:22 Two full bed rooms, of course. You've done that with people. That's what I was doing the beginning of touring. Yeah, not like the Live Nation tour. Yeah, yeah. Like when I was first starting a headline on my own, like the beginning of last year. Yeah. Yeah, because I couldn't afford to get everybody their own room yet.

Starting point is 01:14:34 Right. Right. But we can. You know? Fine. Yeah, so we don't do that. You know what I mean? No, we slept on the bus.

Starting point is 01:14:42 We lived on the bus. Oh, you said a bus. We didn't get a hotel, we were on the bus. And I wonder, but Matt? Is it Greyhound? Oh, it was more like a brownhound. Okay. Not so gray, it was a brownhound.

Starting point is 01:14:52 It was from Mexico. But the power dynamics. Hey, where are we going, bro? I give him more of the power. What did you do? I give you more of the power. You didn't give it to you more of the power and give it to me. I am it Yeah, I don't say was there one big room in the back or was it all bunks one big room He gets the back room. You got the back room. I get the bunk. Yeah

Starting point is 01:15:13 Yeah, and how did you how did you decide this he did? He just called me and said you can have it Yeah, because I know see these are the things that break up the Beatles These are the things that break up like Beatles. These are the things that break up bands and stuff. Okay, Yoko. Dude, you know what's worse than the smirk you had before? Thanks, thanks. I saw Yoko enter your brain, and then when you said it, very good, John.

Starting point is 01:15:40 Doesn't hurt as much. John, let her run here. It doesn't hurt as much. Look at this, John, right on his arm. Wow. What's that doing for you? My pussy's wet. John Leonard right here. It doesn't hurt as much. What's the boogie is John right on his arm. Wow. What's that doing for you? My pussy's wet. My pussy's wet.

Starting point is 01:15:49 My point is, no, let's quit that out. But my point is, I have to give him, I'll go, you know, you can do it. You take it. He likes sleeping in the coffins. Yeah, yeah. He does. I told my friends the same thing.

Starting point is 01:15:59 I said, it's too much space back there. You guys wouldn't. Yeah, they don't like it. You guys wouldn't like it. He likes sleeping in the coffins. I like that he likes that. He likes it out there. I like that he likes that. He likes it up there. I like that he likes that.

Starting point is 01:16:06 Yeah, well, no, he really does. I will say this, no lie, this is not me saying this to say it. I've slept in the coffins before, and the coffins are nice because it's just this. It's a light little rock. In the back, you're like rolling around, it's not as stable.

Starting point is 01:16:19 You gotta sprawl out. Look what happened to me. Well, that's on Bert's bus, he fell out of the coffin. No, he fell out of the he fell out of the coffin No, you fell out of the out of the bunk? Yeah the bunk and I hit my head on a ledge and I had to go to the hospital Holy shit I got nine stitches

Starting point is 01:16:31 Oh widow baby And I got off the... really? No I'm saying I fell bad for you You got all a bit dizzy? What about that time? You got dizzy from a shit? Yeah this guy gets all dizzy like a fucking pussy I took a shit and I hit my head Don't call me a pussy because I'll fight you and I'll beat the shit out of you.

Starting point is 01:16:45 You know that. Dude, today? Because he's here, it's a dynamic. What is it? I don't know what it is, but it became a- Like a white guy thing? No, you and I have this thing that we used to have in the pond is back.

Starting point is 01:16:59 Yeah. And I think he's doing it. He's in, yeah, well, stick around. It's not that you're specifically doing, it's just, there's something about it. You think you can move here and live here for us and do this with us every week instead of me? Yeah, if you guys wanna split the profits,

Starting point is 01:17:09 like 50, 25, 25 or something. Well, I hate to tell you, but we're not making that many llamas. Yeah. Sad. Well? If these mics, if we look over, none of these mics are even plugged in.

Starting point is 01:17:20 Do you have one? Do you have a pod? No, I just don't have the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll have one one day. Don't wish that on me. To prey upon my downfall is very funny. Matt.

Starting point is 01:17:33 Yeah. We love you to death. That was great. Love you, man. We're so happy for you, genuinely. It's well-deserved and you've taken everything in stride. The love, the hate, all the above, and all that stuff comes along with being as popular

Starting point is 01:17:48 as you are and good for you. And we're stoked for you, man. I think you're fucking, you've always been a great dude since I met you that first time I met you. 19 years old or whatever it was when I first met you, it was wild, and back then you were like, one day I'm gonna be a big old star comedian. That's what you sounded like back then. And man, I'm happy for you. Thank you so much. I'm happy for you. Thank you

Starting point is 01:18:10 Thank you so much for doing our podcast really. Thanks for thanks for let me know. I'm a real serious I mean, this is like we've I wanted to do whiskey ginger for like five years. I never got a text back never I'm kidding. I never hit him. I got it. Really never done it before. No, he's not it. No, is it still on? I never hit him. You got it. Really? Have you done it before? No, he's never done it. Is it still on?

Starting point is 01:18:25 Very good. Barely. A little dig. I like it. It's barely on. Have you done Tiger Belly? What? You never heard of Tiger Belly?

Starting point is 01:18:31 The stretch marks? I don't know. It's my podcast. Yeah, anyway. Anyway, Matt, thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend, Matt. Love ya.

Starting point is 01:18:39 Thank you for being a bad friend Matt. Love you. Thank you for being a bad friend Oh my god This is racist Wow Wow. Stop man! Wow. Dun dun dun dun. I love it. I love Asian Atlas. Yeah. We gotta go to Memphis. Shit, I did.

Starting point is 01:19:15 Asian, Asian Atlas. Yeah, so I did. Honka honka, burning raw. Yeah. Hahaha

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