Bad Friends - Bobby Loves Giant Melons

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey! Hey guys, we have new merchie merch. Merchie, merchie, merchie. This is like a fear-loathing kind of a vibe. This is like a shout out to the Beastie Boys album. They come in a ton of different colors. Yeah. Ton of different varieties.

Starting point is 00:00:13 We've got crewnecks, hoodies, long sleeves, all sorts of fun stuff for you. Go to BadFriendsMerch.com to get that now. BadFriendsMerch.com. I am running new jokes to put together my new hour. I'm in Houston, Tampa, Phoenix, Nashville, Dallas, San Francisco. I'm just doing a bunch of clubs to put together the new hour. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets, AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Why dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're two idiots. Ooh. Why dude? I'm an Asian dude. Ooh. You two are disgusting.

Starting point is 00:00:45 Ooh. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hey, it's good.

Starting point is 00:00:54 Wow, Long Beach. I know this guy, but that was good, huh? I loved Long Beach. That was such a fun time. Did you not have so much fun? Not just fun, it was just kind of magical too. And sometimes there's magic. There was magic in the air.

Starting point is 00:01:05 Yeah, and I'll tell you this, proud moment. What's your proud moment? Proud boy moment? Yeah. I think a proud boy moment last night was all of our agents and managers showing up simultaneously. And talking.

Starting point is 00:01:16 And they talked actually for the first time in a long time. There was hugs going on talking. I was like, what's going on here? Couple of hugs, not a lot of hugs. And then I had all, what? What about the goop? That's what, that's my, that was the win. I was gonna let's going on? Couple of hugs, couple of hugs. Not a lot of hugs. And then I had all, what? What about the goop? That's what, that's my, that was the win. I was going to let you get there.

Starting point is 00:01:29 I didn't want you to get cut off by one of the producers. I wanted you to get there organically. But that's okay. I know we were going to get there too. The proud moment last night was for the fans. Hearing backstage people go goop, goop, goop, goop. The goop did five minutes. Ten? Ten minutes? I don't even know.

Starting point is 00:01:45 I mean, he, Yeah, and you told me, could I told him? So, this is what I told him. What'd I say? Can we just talk? Go ahead. So you can't, you can't tell me,

Starting point is 00:01:53 the Goop can only do like, like just bring him up and then take him out. Well, here's why. I know, I understand why. We started 25 minutes late. The fans, I was like, oh, people are being, people are gonna get honorary, right?

Starting point is 00:02:03 And also, this is my production brain. the seats were, there was no middle row. So if you were in the middle and you had to get up to piss, you had to get up and be, excuse me, excuse me, yeah, yeah, yeah. For like 60 seats. Yeah. So I was like, man, people are going to be antsy to get the show going. So we started late, then we had two of our friends who are store employees go up first. So now the show is, you know, now we're getting deep

Starting point is 00:02:25 into the show and I thought, all right, if Goop goes on now and drags his feet, we're in some trouble. But when I talk to him, I know about, here's what happens. You tell me, maybe the Goop shouldn't do it or may just say hi. Because he was so nervous about it. He goes, I don't want to do it. The thing about the Goop, dude. He came through. Not just came through. Guys like the Goop, came through not just came through guys like the goop dude They say I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sweaty. You know me. I eat skittles. You know me You know, I mean I have all these conditions. Yeah diabetes. Yeah, right? He goes up there and he hits a home run and I realized that night. I go. He's one of those. Yeah, he's a liar

Starting point is 00:03:03 He walks around going I don't know nothing, but you know everything. Yeah. He's a liar. He walks around going, I don't know nothing, but you know everything. Yeah, he does. Right. He's like my brother in that way. My brother acts shy and stuff, but then he can do it. He can do all of it. Yeah, he can do all of it. My point is, is that goopy or liar, I bet you money too. He taps ass. Yeah, he taps ass. Probably five times an eye. We're not aware. We think he's five five different women. Wow Edmund Wow and one durable. Oh

Starting point is 00:03:35 Yeah, and that durable dies well a painful death you get a new one just Inside oh, we have some self what he hangs himself. No, he's in the hole. He's in his asshole He just grabs a butthair and just brings it inside. Yeah. The goop crushed last night. He crushed, and then who else crushed? Ramsay and Angie, two employees of the store, did great on the show. They opened the show, then the goop, then Jet Ski,

Starting point is 00:03:54 and Bobby and me, and the crowd was on fire. And then Angie, today she goes, thank you for the greatest moment of my life. Really? Yeah. She said it was the best moment of her life. You have to understand these people that work the door, when they get the belly room, the OR,

Starting point is 00:04:10 every once in a while, they don't get thousands and thousands of people cheering them on. And so it was a magical moment for her. And then some celebrities showed up. We won on that name, who? Some celebrities showed up. We can say that's not a big deal. Our friends, Rob McElhaney and Caitlin Ol celebrity showed up. We can say that's not a big deal. Our friend, my friends Rob McElhaney and Caitlin Olson.

Starting point is 00:04:28 Yeah, from the Always Sunny showed up. Yes. Super sweet and kind. They absolutely loved the show. Rob texted me this morning. Yeah, yeah. And he was like, how fun. Oh, wow. So happy for you guys.

Starting point is 00:04:40 He was like, how fun. And I told him, I said, I'm giving you a heads up. This is not a typical stand up show. Because they were like, hey, we want to come to that show. And I said, it's not going to be what you think. It's going to be weird. There's going to be stand up. There's going to be bits from the show.

Starting point is 00:04:52 It's going to be kind of unique for our audience, for the bad friends. Bad friends audiences, they know what's coming. And he was like, it was perfect. It was so funny. They were both like, oh my god, they were so sweet backstage. Oh, dude, who else did we have? You kidding me? We have Dunn found it back there. We had your boy, Gene Hong. Yeah, yeah, so they were both six. Oh my god. They were so sweet backstage. Oh dude. Who else did we have you kidding me?

Starting point is 00:05:05 We have done found it back there. We had your boy Jean Hong. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah We had a lot of cool people come and then what happened then the agents mm-hmm. I know Can we get some money before we leave oh This is what they did now they. They flew into my dresser, well, they first went into your dresser room. Yeah, they all went into mine. Yeah. Your agents came into my dresser room.

Starting point is 00:05:29 I know, all my agents went into it, and I was like, I was like, what, I heard the flapping. Mm-hmm. And the insect, and tennis. And they were buzzing around. Right. We're making fun of agents

Starting point is 00:05:38 because they're just kind of buzzing. Yeah, they're buzzing, yeah. They're always like, So they came into my room. Zzzzzzzzz you. And they were like, this is our new one. So they had a new agent. Yeah, they did bring somebody new. You're right. And they're saying, she's your girl now.

Starting point is 00:05:53 Like it's a sort of sacrifice or something. And then I go, who is she? She's like, she's the one. And every year, there's a one. There's a one. They promise me the world. And guess what? None of it happens.

Starting point is 00:06:07 I don't even get the world, I get not bad. You get like, you get like Ohio. You don't get the world, you get Ohio. Ohio. I get a couple of gigs, couple of lines and some things, but they're always like, yeah, it's coming. It's gear the next big thing. It's not.

Starting point is 00:06:24 No. And you know what, when you realize that. That's okay. It's gear the next big. It's not not and you know what when you realize that that's okay It's great. Yeah, I feel more at bay. I feel more at peace. Yeah with the world. It is what it is It is what it is dude. Also last night Pulling the Australian kid from the crowd was great. Oh, he was fantastic dude What's such a what's a sweet boy and it's nice to know we got fans down under he didn't kiss me though I was a little annoyed by that. He didn't kiss me though. I was a little annoyed by that.

Starting point is 00:06:46 Annoyed. Yeah, pissed me off. That would have killed. Cause here you were face to face. You're a handsome guy. He's a handsome guy. Why not make the moment more special? Why not make the moment a little bit more special

Starting point is 00:06:57 and give a look? One little smooch. That's all you wanted. Yeah, but he kept like, I was like, I can't force it. I know, you can't. There's thousands of people watching. Three, actually. Yeah, that'd be bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of witnesses. Your honor, we have all the witnesses. Yeah, it was a like, I can't force it. I know, you can't. There's thousands of people watching. Three, actually, yeah, that'd be bad.

Starting point is 00:07:05 Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of witnesses. Your Honor, we have all the witnesses. Yeah, it was a beautiful theater too. What a beautiful. That's where Richard Pryor shot Richard Pryor Live in 1979. Wow. Do you know that?

Starting point is 00:07:15 Sometimes I'm like, wow, this is crazy, but zoom in if you don't mind. At the bottom, this was in the hallway on the way to the stage. I saw it. And it says, on December 10th, 1979, Richard Pryor filmed Richard Pryor Live in concert right here on the Terrace Theater stage. H saw it. And it says, on December 10th, 1979, Richard Pryor filmed Richard Pryor live in concert right here on the Terrace Theater stage.

Starting point is 00:07:28 Hailed as the single greatest standup performance ever captured on film. This film not only had raw humor on police brutality, sex, race, marriage, but also helped kick off the standup boom in the 1980s. Performing in the same stage as Richard Pryor is both an aspiration and a profound honor, symbolizing the completion of a comedic journey.

Starting point is 00:07:45 Break a leg out there. I thought that was a, what a beautiful thing. And I read that literally before we started the show. Wow. Because I kind of saw the poster. You see posters that you pass through these hallways and you think, oh, they showed like Elvis had performed there. They said the Beatles,

Starting point is 00:07:57 like they had all the posters in the basement. Yeah. And it is amazing. You're like, we're sharing these age. But this just hit me in the chest for some reason. It was like, wow, this dude filmed there, chose there there chose there the Beatles performed there Beatles and the Rolling Stones probably Beatles stones Elvis Dude the basement was the amount of people that performed there was shocking yeah, and I think we forget sometimes we're in that same venue. We're not Elvis

Starting point is 00:08:20 First of all we are Elvis. No, we're not. We are our Elvis. Yeah, Elvis. Yeah, okay. We're Elvis with a butthole. Elvis didn't show the audience their butthole. Yes, he did. That's why he would shake it forth. He was loosening it up.

Starting point is 00:08:35 Like I 69 the fucking Australian guy last night with my ass out. Yeah, Elvis didn't have the balls to do that. Yeah. And I'm like, 60 knotting this guy, this Australian guy. He's freaking out. And I look and I see my manager looking at me going And I'm like I'm sorry. There is a tape I heard Google this Elvis

Starting point is 00:08:56 talking to girlfriend from war Well, there was a recorded phone call of Elvis talking to his girlfriend over the phone from war. No, it's funny She's like pissed off cuz she's like what's going on out there with all the other girls and he's like No, there's no other girls, baby. She's like, yeah, this is it. This is it. Okay. Play this I don't think about my target. See he's dealing with it. They haven't changed. They haven't changed. Throughout the time cavemen did this. You know what I mean? I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I You're me Wow they haven't changed she says at some point

Starting point is 00:09:57 I'm not a baby. I'm a I'm a ground lady. She says at some point. I want to smack you and beat the shit out of you Yeah, she's like I want to hurt you and hit you But you hear this whole in need of wood conversation and I swear to God I had the same thought I thought. Is this the same, nothing was different. We have this fascination that back then there was like a glitz and a glamour to it. Where it's like, you know where it's like, my love, I miss you so much.

Starting point is 00:10:14 I can't wait to get you. She's like, I miss you too. I can't wait to feel your embrace. And so she's like, I wanna hit you in your fucking head Elvis. Yeah. And he's like, you ain't gonna do that. You ain't gonna do that.

Starting point is 00:10:24 It's exactly what happens today. But. And he's like, you don't go and do that. You ain't going to do that. Yeah. It's exactly what happens today. But he had power that we don't have now. Well, he was the global. He could literally walk into anywhere. Hey, baby. Yeah. But listen. And they were like, OK, I mean, there's no other. So I guess. So I guess. I mean, it wouldn't even that's how much fame he had.

Starting point is 00:10:44 Yeah, sure. This is when like the Beatles show up and people would faint. Who's who faints now? I mean, it wouldn't even... That's how much fame he had. Yeah, sure. This is when, like, the Beatles show up and people would faint. Who faints now? If somebody fainted for you, I'd love every single second of it. No, I would be concerned. I'd go, are you okay? You know? Get him to the hospital. No, I'd leave him there.

Starting point is 00:10:57 No kidding. Well, anyway, we shared the stage with some of these great legends last night, and we only have four shows left, and boy, oh boy, is it... Is that four? It's only four left. We're doing it. Well, Australia United States. Oh Yeah, no, yes, we are going to Australia in November the dates are going to be announced Finally, we are doing it. We are going we're very bad your money in 2025. We'll go back out No Yeah, I bet your money if it's okay

Starting point is 00:11:24 I'll bet you anything you've got because it would take two of us to say yes. Okay, good, can I? And I'm not gonna say yeah. Yeah, yeah. Really? I think I wanna reformulate the, I think I wanna work on my hour.

Starting point is 00:11:35 Okay, 2026 then. 2026 will be out. And that's the last one. And then we're done. For good, yeah. Yeah, we'll be done for good. Fuck that, you know that's not true. You and I will have to do this until we can't do it anymore. I don't know man. Fuck you

Starting point is 00:11:48 What do you do you got going on? We don't know start. We don't know what? Stardew Valley Stardew Valley hunt hunter chocolate tears. Oh, could I see another thing about you? Yeah, go ahead? I know what you're gonna do What am I gonna do? It's what you do it to me during the meet and greet if a friend if a fan says anything to me about anything I'm interested in which they almost never do but if a fan says hey Santino Can I ask you a question about XYZ you always go? Get the fuck out of here nobody but then Am I wrong Carlos you're there?

Starting point is 00:12:17 Time he's there every time and he knows go ahead when they bring up golf you get really mad because it's about your dad Mm-hmm. Yeah, because I have trauma associated That's not true. Don't do that. That's such a Because it's not about him Why you get mad cuz it's not about you Last night and it's fucking wrong. I'm so glad you brought it up dude. Go ahead. You brought it up you dummy Dummy When it's not about you for three seconds.

Starting point is 00:12:46 You talk about golf, it's fine. I'll just roll my eyes. That's what you did. But it never happens is a thing. They always talk about your stuff. Yeah, thank you, Carlos. Oh, no. Thank you, Carlos. Oh, really? No, that's true though. No, can I just say what you did last time? Yeah, well, you're not like the truth. You don't like the truth. Yeah, yeah. Every fucking nerd comes up, I have a starware shake that I made with our faces on it, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Starting point is 00:13:04 And then I just sit there and smile and I don't and I'm not rude and then you go Who's your favorite? Whatever no, I just let you do it But then last night you were fucking ho ho humming on about fucking farming No, that's a girl comes to me. She goes There's gonna be a new um Not DLC, but a new like update for start to valley. I go well, maybe I should be a new, not DLC, but a new update for Star Do Valor. I go, well, maybe I should start a new,

Starting point is 00:13:27 you know, main farm then. You should, I go. And then we start talking about like, I go about the melons and how the gigantic melon forms. When you crop like the same kind of seed, sometimes with Cauliflower Melon, a gigantic one formed and you have to chop it down with an axe. That's the-

Starting point is 00:13:43 Whoa! Okay, that's fine This is what you Stop and then this is what you did Look at how big it is right but then for four or five minutes you go melons you fucking nerd Yep, and you rub it in my face even after like ten minutes go by you'll go fucking melons dude Chopping down with axe fuck you and I'm like dude. I don't say that about when you talk about yeah You do when anybody says anything nice to me you go. Oh shit the fuck are you talking about sports?

Starting point is 00:14:19 You're racist the way you just did my That's fucking racist dude. Have you see that? Have you not been watching this show? Are you not on this show dumbass? You didn't do it in a comedy way. You did it in a fucking racist way, dude Really dude again. Look at that No, really dude. Well the lights are hitting me bright All right Anyway, fuck you dude. Fuck you. Anyway Anyway loser. See? I'm not a loser, dude. I'm a winner I'm tired of people whatever you tell to yourself, dude. Yeah, I'm a winner nerd. Yeah

Starting point is 00:14:51 It's what let's get so big No, can I just explain to you what happens and I think I think we're miss right when you plant melons in it. Yeah, dude. No, just let me finish I think you miss understanding you in your underwear with like food on your belly Just being like look at all fake the watermelon star You're fucking your idiocracy. You're literally what my judge wrote about. Yeah, like just numb Stuffed with junk food watching a melon the melon is big You know what's so funny I like I'm up to walk there's I like I'm about to walk there I you really got me on the fan. It's a battle. I like I I like some of the nerd shit

Starting point is 00:15:39 You and I share a lot of nerd shit in common actually well then there we go with the fuck's the problem dog But let's be honest. OK. All jokes aside. Yeah. You know I love when you connect with the fans. I don't like it when you're mean to me about what I like with the fans. That's my retaliation.

Starting point is 00:15:54 Because if a fan goes, Santino, I'm wearing a bull's jacket. And you immediately make fun of them. I don't make fun of the fans for liking your stuff. I don't make fun of the fans for liking your stuff. I make fun of you when they're gone. Am I right, Carlos? You see it first hand. You see it first hand.

Starting point is 00:16:10 Look at that, what you paused. No, he knows. No, he's trying to. No, here's what is. Cause you're such a fucking manipulative, gaslighting bully. Look at what he's doing now. Andrew is right in it.

Starting point is 00:16:19 Thank you. I know it is. You get mad at the speed. I know, but does it carry over into two or three other? Well, this is a whole new argument. Yeah, it's a whole new argument. Exactly. You're making a total. I let it go quick quickly Yeah, but you I'll say you let it go quick. Yeah. Yeah, he does not but you bully He sees but you bully the fans and I don't bully your fans. I don't oh you don't bully my fans No, we just we just went over this two seconds ago. Like when they go we got you gummy bears You're like gummy bears.

Starting point is 00:16:45 No, I've never. I know you'd, I just made that up. Yeah, I just made that up. I just made that up. Thank you, see? Yeah, you're right. I made that up. Let's get back.

Starting point is 00:16:52 I don't even know why we're fucking doing this. I'm not fighting with you. I kind of just say. I don't want to fight with you. I love you. I don't know, man. I'm supportive as fuck of you. I know you are, but I'm just saying, you know,

Starting point is 00:17:03 here's one, here's the one thing that happened with one of your fans. He goes, this has never happened with any of my fans. He looked at me and he goes, I just want to photo with Andrew. And it happened in Atlanta. You remember that? And it hurt my feelings. Okay.

Starting point is 00:17:19 Well, none of my fans would do that. Here's how selfish and unaware you are if you want to get into this. Many, many, many, if not multiple times, every time. You've named one shitty instance. Multiple times, do we have fans in the meet and greet? Multiple times. They be-line to you, they're so excited, they say hi,

Starting point is 00:17:35 they don't even look at me. What's there not to like, baby? Or say hi. Or say hi. Well, if they knew the real you. But they don't even say hi or look at me. And I just politely do the thing and take the phone. Oh let's move on, let's go.

Starting point is 00:17:49 Oh you don't like that. Oh you don't like when it's real? Yeah, yeah. No, cause I handle it professionally. Oh you wanna go? I handle it professionally. I have nothing else. Yeah you do.

Starting point is 00:17:57 Thank you. I handle it professionally and I move on. And I move forward. Let's talk about something more fun that can get you and I because as best friends, I don't wanna. I don't know man. Shut up, don't do that. What are you doing? Don't say I don't know. I move forward. Let's talk about something more fun that can get you and I because as best friends, I don't wanna- I don't know man. Shut up, don't do that.

Starting point is 00:18:07 What are you doing? Don't say I don't know. I do know. Say I love you right now, one, two, three. I love you. I like to love you. Oh you son of a God. Say it.

Starting point is 00:18:15 I won't, not right now. Say I love you. At the end. No say it. Why? Say it or I won't move forward. You're acting like such a baby today. Say I love you.

Starting point is 00:18:24 I won't. I don't like when people tell me when to say it. Say I love you. I won't. I don't like when people tell me when to say it. Say I love you. You know I do, right? Say it. Do you not know I do? I don't know it right now. Right, there are times where I love you.

Starting point is 00:18:34 What's that laugh? I don't know it right now. Okay, I'm gonna say it around the road. Andreas, I love you. Macon, I like you. Carlos, I like you. McCone. I like you. Carlos, I like you. I don't get love. No.

Starting point is 00:18:50 Not lately. Not lately. Andrew. Cheers. That's so much better. Cheers is like, you know, you're putting a glass up to the world. They clink it. They did it at Lord of the Rings.

Starting point is 00:19:03 Well, you're sober, so let's not do it, cheers. Okay, let's do a liner. Do people, when they smoke crack, when people smoke crack, do they cheers pipes with other people that smoke and grok? That's so funny. Do they do a little clink and then lose teeth? Yeah. Say I love you right now.

Starting point is 00:19:17 Why? Say it. I love you. Say it for real. I swear to God, I just said that. Look at me in the face and say it for real, otherwise we will end the show tonight. Well, you're acting like such a baby.

Starting point is 00:19:25 You know what, can I say something? You need to grow out of this. It is so funny when he says you're acting like a baby knowing you're the biggest baby. Hey. You're the biggest baby I know. All right, I love you man. Love you too.

Starting point is 00:19:38 Love you dude. All right, let's do something real. I love everything dude. No, no you don't. McCone, let's talk about McCone. This fucking idiot. Get up to the mic, you dumbass. This moron.

Starting point is 00:19:49 Oh my God. Duck down so you can talk to the mic. Yes, keep your head like that. So this moron, we're leaving Sacramento, right? It's a 30 minute ride from the hotel to the airport, okay? We get to the airport, right? Plenty of time. It was not too early in the morning.

Starting point is 00:20:04 It was fine, right? We had a noon flight. Plenty of time. It was not too early in the morning. It was fine, right? We had a noon flight, plenty of time. We get there. Macon in a moment of panic says, I left my car keys in the hotel, right? And I said, dude, what are you gonna do? And he goes, well, I don't know. I'm calling around to people and I'm trying to figure out how I can do my week without my car

Starting point is 00:20:23 because I have an extra key. My roommate can bring it to me, but it won't unlock my car because I need the digital whoop whoop because somebody tried to break into my car with a screwdriver. This guy's whole life. It's Kramer. He's Kramer, right?

Starting point is 00:20:34 So then I said, okay dude, then you need your original car key, otherwise you're not gonna be able to get into your car and who knows if they're gonna ship it, blah, blah, blah. My assumption, Andrew Santino's assumption, he's already contacted the hotel about his key. Of course, you would obviously. Thank you, Bobby.

Starting point is 00:20:48 This fucking moron didn't do that. No. He decides, he decides, I'm just gonna take a car to the hotel cause I'm pretty sure it's there, not checking his own backpack on his person. Wait, not checking his own backpack on his person. Gets off of our flight, doesn't take our flight,

Starting point is 00:21:05 books another flight, pays for a flight to go to LAX instead of to go to Burbank. And what happens Dumbo? Okay, well first of all- He found the keys in his bag. I know that. The keys were in his bag the whole time. The whole time.

Starting point is 00:21:16 I have a new backpack, I'm not familiar with all the crevices, how deep they go. I was rifling the whole car ride and I couldn't find it. Well then you know what? If it's too many crevasses, we need to get you a one bag crevasse, which is a purse. We're getting you a purse for the next tour and all your stuff is going in one bag.

Starting point is 00:21:30 Is this fair? Yeah. You're getting a purse. That's fair. To be honest, Bobby, when he heard this story said, you sometimes lose keys in your backpack. Me? No, him.

Starting point is 00:21:41 Bobby? Oh, that night before Bobby left Long Beach, don't even back in the room and I said Jesse There's a there's a charge in one of the rooms is that yours? I know it's Bobby's I think he's about to leave can you grab it? So I cannot I can't notice this is up I can't air this podcast we can't air this podcast because I'm about to go off now light them up all right all right Hey guy, let me say something guy. All right, light him up. Did I leave did he leave you're about to know what? You're like, oh my god All right, you know what I was out there smoking a cigarette with friends. I haven't left yet

Starting point is 00:22:25 You had all you can I say this to you shit box you fucking are My car was right there. Yeah, what would have happened is this oh My keys are back in there. Yep. What's the big deal? Yep. Did I go to the airport and forget it? No No, you didn't you didn't have to cuz I was there No, you weren't gonna save me What no you weren't you didn't save shit dude, and here's another thing you didn't say your job You're fired you piece of shit. You later. How could you talk to me like that? Honestly you white fuckers dude. It is the whites. It's the white you would not talk to Andrew that way

Starting point is 00:23:03 No, no, Be honest with you. No. And let me say something. The little relationship that you and I had is now suffered. It's gone. It didn't exist. Fuck you dude.

Starting point is 00:23:15 I've made up for it. And let me say something. It was nice to your fucking parents. Yeah. Right? Your farmer parents like, hey man. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:23:23 You know what they just got? Outside of the woods looks like. I'm like, hey, man. You know what I mean? Oh, this is what outside of the woods looks like. I'm like, yeah, welcome. Well, the one thing you did like about his dad was he talked about those big watermelons. He was like, big watermelons out there. Yeah. Got to cut them down. Is that a stardew value?

Starting point is 00:23:38 It is, yeah. Okay, stop. Come on, it's a fun. Stop that, stop that, stop that, man. Anyway, get back off the post. So, anyway, let's go, so get back off the post. So, and Andre, oh no, let's go back to this. Andreas, get back off the post. So, get back off the post. So, And,

Starting point is 00:23:46 Oh, let's go back to this. Andreas, fuck you too dude. Oh, I like this a lot. Yeah, I just said to make McCone feel better. I go, sometimes I lose my keys in my bag. Just to make him feel better. Right.

Starting point is 00:24:00 But you just use it against me. It may look like me look like fool. No, just how sympathetic you are. See that in the mic. What did he say? I don't even know, but I think it's a fucking bad look like me look like fool. No, just how sympathetic you are. See that in the mic. What did he say? I don't even know, but I think it's a fucking bad thing. Yeah, me too. It was just to show how sympathetic you are.

Starting point is 00:24:11 No. Oh, I see. I think you said pathetic too. And I was about to go rage. Yeah, man. I was hoping I was like, dude, this is gonna be good. Yeah, yeah. Might break a neck.

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Starting point is 00:24:45 I wish I had Morgan and Morgan because they're America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide, more than a thousand lawyers and they got over $20 billion recovered. Keep going, man. For over 500,000 clients. Yeah.

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Starting point is 00:25:44 for doctor stuff. Me neither, I never know. Yeah, you me say, I don't even know where to go for doctor stuff. Me neither, I never know. Yeah, you call friends, they don't know, nobody knows. No, it's something. And also I don't know the doctors, right? I want reviews. You need to know that people have gone to them before and you-

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Starting point is 00:26:53 That's ZockDoc. Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash Bad Friends. ZockDoc.com slash Bad Friends. MacCone, let's just start some boundaries. I'm gonna start some boundaries with everyone in this room right now. Okay? You're fine. Thank you, I love you. I'm gonna start some boundaries with everyone in this room right now. Okay? You're fine.

Starting point is 00:27:06 Thank you. I love you. I love you too, man. Thank you. You're welcome, dude. I'm glad that we're back. Get rid of these guys. No. The boundary is this.

Starting point is 00:27:14 I think I've been too nice. I pinch your ass. Don't I pinch your ass? In a loving way? What's so funny, man? In a loving way. It's just the ass pinching. Yeah. I don't do it like a rub like a sexual I just pinch it

Starting point is 00:27:27 cute What a cutie Spanish right you Macon dude. I swear to God dude It's gonna take a while for you to get back Take it back what you said, but don't say anything But take it back, but don't say a word Very good. Good Carlos. I don't know what you did You did good Carlos has stepped up a lot by the way goop the goop when he got off stage

Starting point is 00:27:54 Let's talk about the goop. Did you see what he came up to me and he I said goop man You did so good and he goes. Thank you Andrew I I just I and Um, and then he pulls out of his pocket a pack of sour skittles. Yeah, I did. And I said, is that your little celebration skittles? And he said, well, not told.

Starting point is 00:28:11 I don't have to talk anymore because I don't want my mouth to get cut when I'm still here. He just lied to you. Why? He ate him there? No. What?

Starting point is 00:28:19 The skittles were a fallback plan. What do you mean? To his act. Is that real? Yeah. He goes, I'm bringing Skittles up here because if I'm bombing I can eat the Skittles and I go it's a prop? Yeah. I really love that guy. Right and since he killed he didn't need to use

Starting point is 00:28:38 it so he lied to you dude. Wow dude that's two lies out of the goop. Oh yeah two lies dude. Well hold on Lance. Oh my God. Oh my God, I can't believe it. I thought you were kidding. That you got Lance and I was like. Okay look, we have to tell, I'll tell our audience, we have a guest on the show today who I met at the Comedy Store.

Starting point is 00:28:57 I'm kind of a fan of a new fan. Never really met him. You guys have never met? I'm a fan of the albums. All right come on, Lance can you please come in here and take a seat down there? Great to see you, man. It's great to see you live. Hey, man.

Starting point is 00:29:11 Which one? Blue. Blue is fine, yeah. Blue is fine. Blue is good. Blue, unless you want pink. You like pink? No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:29:19 Blue is good, right? Yeah, it's good. Put on your headphones there, Lance, if you don't mind. Oh, fuck. You have a water? Yeah, we have water, man. Yeah, good. Put on your headphones there Lance, if you don't mind. Oh fuck. You have water? Yeah, we have water man. Yeah man, demand's pretty quick. I know.

Starting point is 00:29:30 It's just standard as all you have. Probably a water right by your foot there Lance. Oh, cool. Wow. Thanks man, I fan too dude. You seen it. Yeah, no for real. Yeah, you're in a lot of stuff.

Starting point is 00:29:40 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What have you seen him in that you like? New sexy, that one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that one. What else? him in that you like? New SexyDee. That one? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that one. What else? You don't have to put those out if you don't want.

Starting point is 00:29:49 I put them on. I pro, man. I do podcasts. I know how it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have your own podcast? No, I don't. I used to back in the day, but then I got close

Starting point is 00:29:57 on a Hollywood job. So I delete, delete, delete. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Paper trail. You seem pro Israel to me. Wo bro. Out the gate, dude. WhatIsrael to me. Whoa, bro

Starting point is 00:30:10 What out the gates? Oh God, let me thrive before cancel. All right Give me a minute outside of our show in Long Beach. There was a Propel's I know March and half of the fans said they couldn't get through the traffic I know they get in were you down there by any chance perhaps Right, I don't want to yeah, I don't want to ruffle those feathers So I've seen you at the comedy store. You're a pretty funny guy, perhaps, dude. I don't wanna, yeah, I don't wanna ruffle those feathers. So I've seen you at the comedy store, you're a pretty funny guy. Thanks, dude. You're on your way up, you've only been doing it for how long?

Starting point is 00:30:29 I mean, I'm there, on my way up. You think you're- Oh, you're on your way up. Why am I here? If I'm on my way up, why am I here? Well, I mean, I'm doing this as a little bit of- No, I know, I'm just saying, I kind of arrived. It's pretty cool.

Starting point is 00:30:43 Right, this is cool. Yeah. This is cool, but how long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I don't like his energy right now. It's a little aggressive. It's a little aggressive. Yeah. Yeah, but this come back in maybe What do you do come in? Yeah, redo it So comfy right now, all right, well let's stay there then maybe I marinate on it And then if I want to redo I redo. Alright, you can redo it, yeah. Okay, what if I come in and it's even cockier? You gonna...

Starting point is 00:31:08 See if we can do that. Cockier? Oh yeah, I can go cockier. Yeah, yeah, go cockier. That was me raining it in, Bobby. Okay, let me see what... That was me being humble coming in. I wanna see what you're probably dancing, huh?

Starting point is 00:31:18 Mino filter? Yeah, yeah. Mino filter cock coming in? We don't want a filter. We want you to be free. Okay, straight to... Okay, here we go you ask I put a limiter on it but you go go full-length sorry

Starting point is 00:31:35 ladies and gentlemen our guests Lance can stop a list is here let's maybe you sit down in the blue chair there. Yeah. Wow. Wow. So my childhood, growing up, it was tough. Give a power raid. I went power raid this time. I was being humble going water.

Starting point is 00:31:59 We don't have power. Sorry. Sorry. Where did you grow up, Lance? I don't really say where I grow up. Okay. You know, I'm not doing like a one-man show. Who give a shit?

Starting point is 00:32:09 Tell some jokes, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my dad told me, who give a fuck? Was funny. Yeah. I don't care about your bio. I don't want a spotlight of you on stage. And then this happened to me.

Starting point is 00:32:21 So when you see comics, you don't like them when they get personal and talk about their own life. No, I go, who give a fuck from the back? Right. Because I'm up next. Right. Everyone crying. Right.

Starting point is 00:32:31 So you like to talk, just joke. People eating chingar, chicken fingers. Chingars, what the chingar? Whoa, you know Freudian slip. Yeah. Where did my fucking water go? He just called me a chingar, dude, and I don't like it. I love it.

Starting point is 00:32:42 Did you hear it? Yeah, chingar. Yeah, I'm not a chingar, dude. All right, I spilled a little. That is... I'm a chinger, dude, and I don't like it. I love it. Did you hear it? Yeah, chinger. Yeah, I'm not a chinger, dude. All right, I spilled a little. That is... I'm a chinga. Chinga. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Not long dude, maybe what five year old you have any material out you have special I don't have material I Just show up

Starting point is 00:33:10 Cuz I do comedy store you guys do comedy store People go up there and they go I mean I'm in problem with my girlfriend lately And I see this motherfucker talk about her problem with his girlfriend. Yeah, he onto like girlfriend number three Doing same joke because jokes still work. So he doing pretend extemporaneous. Who are you saying this about specifically? Every comic. Really?

Starting point is 00:33:34 Every comic on stage saying, this just happened to me, all right. You ever notice this? Every night they do it. Bubbly? Bubbly, bubbly, yeah, sorry. Go ahead, dig. No, you do, you do.

Starting point is 00:33:45 But I just show up. I go go up I start dancing for a minute. They play club music. I dance for a minute Yeah, set the tone. I've seen it. Yeah, and then it's fun And then I just do Q&A from the audience I go anybody have any questions for me Lance to you There's a rumor and you can squash this if this is I'm not gay I know. Well, can we just form our opinions? I just want to squash. Form our own opinions, though.

Starting point is 00:34:11 Okay, yeah. But what rumor? Do you have beef with Bill Burr? Somebody said you have like big beef with him. Not big beef, slight beef. What do you want to tell us what happened? I mean, it is a great way to kind of get it out. Just I fist bump, you know,

Starting point is 00:34:24 and maybe he moving too fast to not see the bump. Oh, so you punched him? I didn't punch, no, I do respect fist bump. I like what he's doing. I like how he trash women sometime. The rumor is that you- Sometime. He doesn't trash women, dude.

Starting point is 00:34:37 The rumor is you hit him a little bit. What, like I punch him? That's what's going around the store. People are saying that you assaulted- When I say trash women, I mean respectfully. When they need to be knocked down a peg. Right, right, right, right. Not like, yeah, not Andrew Tate,

Starting point is 00:34:50 although that's cool sometimes. You know, like I don't like all his video, but some video, and you go, you got a point, you know? Like I would never at a party be like, hey, everybody check this out. But when you in your car, you go, yeah, you bring up a point. Are you a citizen here in the United States or no?

Starting point is 00:35:05 You know, I'm here. Could you vote? In theory. Would you vote in November? I would love to vote. Yeah, who would you vote for, you think? The pause says everything. It's tough though,

Starting point is 00:35:17 because Biden or Trump pretty much, right? RFK. Basically, yeah, RFK. Nikki Haley's probably not gonna run. You're going to do RFK. I have no idea Hmm Who do you think you'd vote for the Lance? It's tough because Biden not great

Starting point is 00:35:32 Trump not great RFK is a new option. Yeah right now. Yeah, but he too small time. Maybe you could run I America not ready because I don't know to get the haircut or anything. I don't want to you don't have to cut your hair But as a president, what would you be, what like laws would you enact? Okay, so if you are, if you're in a drive-through for in and out and your car is in traffic. Yeah. You know, you go to jail.

Starting point is 00:35:56 Wait, what do you mean? Oh, he's- You have to be in the parking lot, in and out. I know, mine is so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Oh, I feel, okay. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:36:04 What you're saying is this, now again. So sometimes the one on Sunset. All of them, sometimes there's so many fat people who need in and out so bad. Right, and they clog up Sunset or Orange, what I'm saying is... Look, it's not going to happen to you today, alright? Go to Burger King, go to... When they're willing to be in traffic with... And they're about to die, they're about to get T-Bone by car because they're so fat and want to be in a drive-through.

Starting point is 00:36:25 I would get rid of those people. Okay, that's a good law. So just correct. First order of business. Your administration, that's the first law that we... I would drop a bomb on the traffic. Okay. You know, if you are inside the parking lot, you're safe.

Starting point is 00:36:38 The shrapnel won't get you. I gotta know, can I be your vice president? Because I have a law. Please, what is your law? Right, Chick-fil-A you open on Sundays. Yeah, yeah. I know you're Christian. I, you're safe. The shrapnel won't get you. I gotta know, can I be your vice president? Cause I have a law. Please, what is your law? Right, Chick-fil-A you open on Sundays. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:49 I know you're Christian, right? And I know you have moralities and a value. Open on Sundays, you live in America. Yeah, like Hindu people can operate it on that day. Right. To the so brilliant job creator. Right. That's so brilliant.

Starting point is 00:37:02 Yeah. And if you love Jesus, you stay home. And you have atheists, you stay home and you have atheists, you have Wiccans and stuff, operate. Yeah. You have a warlock. Do you have any redheaded people and where you come from? Have you ever associated with redheads at all? Or even do you know anything about Asian people?

Starting point is 00:37:18 It's very rare. I mean, I don't see a lot of you. See, we see you. Yeah. What do we do there? Where from where you're from? Laundry stuff. Oh, we see you, yeah. What do we do there? From where you're from? Laundry stuff. Oh, so like here? Oh, here still?

Starting point is 00:37:28 No, but from where you're from. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This magical place where you're from. Right, right. You see people that look like me. What do we do there? Yeah, some laundry. One guy have GameStop.

Starting point is 00:37:40 Oh, there's a GameStop. We run a GameStop. He was doing laundry, but he made enough money to follow his passion of video game. Wow, he still has a he made enough money. Yeah. Follow his passion of video. Wow He still has a game stuff out there. Okay. Yeah, what did you do before you did stand up? What I do just odd job stuff task rabbit, you know building furniture and a little modeling here and there You were a model. Yeah some model stuff at leisure So I wear the jogging suit and then for like what for for Lulu lemon or one of those lower brand, you know

Starting point is 00:38:05 Yeah, not Lulu Lulu was like pinnacle. Yeah, but cheetah was pretty good get for me like champion Some no champion really good to not cheat like cheetah sweatpants. Oh cheetah sweatpants. Yeah cheetah sweatpants. Wow. They good high Sierra High Sierra high Sierra. Yeah one time. There's a small like small time gym You ever see people like a wallpaper on the gym of like a guy doing a squat. Mm-hmm. I was a high Sierra. Yeah. One time there's a small like small time gym. You ever see people like a wallpaper on the gym of like a guy doing a squat? I was a squat guy. Oh, wow. Just to like show form.

Starting point is 00:38:32 Mm-hmm. Yeah. So how long have you been in the States? It's a while now, man. I'm pretty assimilated. Like I know, I know lingo. I know stuff. Like what, like what, like what give me a say? What lingo?

Starting point is 00:38:42 Ik, you know, ik. Ik is a good one. Yeah, yeah. Girls have ik. Yeah, yeah. What is thatingo you know, it's a good one. Yeah. Yeah girls have it Yeah, yeah, what is that? You know like a chick fat or something? Yeah It's like a it's one of my eggs. That's one of your eggs. Yeah, I don't like a list of Lance's x Weird face. Oh, who does anybody in here have a weird face? Weird but glasses. Yeah, nobody's good Pretty good faces. Yeah, here you're hiding. Can I see He's a little weird, but he has glasses. Yeah, nobody is good. Pretty good faces, yeah. Here you're hiding, can I see your face a little more?

Starting point is 00:39:10 Holy fuck. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. But pretty standard face, good, yeah. He have a lot of accessories going on, like mustache, he's like biting a little bit of me. What about my face?

Starting point is 00:39:22 You have great face, man. Oh, you've always thought that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Like very castable. I can put you in everything. Like I see you, I picture you handing a beer to your white best friend.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Right. Yeah, no, no, like, you sure? But like a commercial too, like a Miklope Ultra. Right. He kind of have a long jog. So let's do that commercial. So you're, he's the white friend? This is the commercial, right? Right, right. Yeah, do that commercial. So you're he's the white friend. This is the commercial right?

Starting point is 00:39:45 Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so he's doing something you ran five miles before You know, yeah, get your heart rate up and then but you're still a fit guy You know, you still like beer even though you you run a lot, right and at the very end of the commercial. Yeah, yeah You're right. So yeah, yeah, yeah, perfect.. Thank you. Yeah, the smile, maybe a bit much. It seemed like you have like mental. Will you direct me? Is that your natural? Cause it seemed like you have mental problems.

Starting point is 00:40:12 You smile like that. Oh, it's just direct me. So that was too much director? Yeah, a little the smile. A little weird. Ready? So he just won. So your wipes, you've done your run, and but you still want a beer.

Starting point is 00:40:22 I love a beer. I'm so tired from that run. Here comes your boy. Okay. Why are you looking at me? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you run, but you still want a beer. I love a beer. I'm so tired from that run. Here comes your boy. Okay, why are you looking at me? Oh, I'm gonna get him. Yeah, yeah, you look at him. Oh, my bad, my bad. Give him a line at least.

Starting point is 00:40:30 Yeah, yeah. A line will probably help the rhythm. I think it will help me. This should quench your thirst and get you fucked up. Okay, ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh man, what a long run. I'd really love a beer.

Starting point is 00:40:43 This should quench your thirst. Get you really fucked up. Yeah. Well, he kind of bobbles the line up top. Well, give it ADR it or? No. I'll do it again, right? You mouth it, I do the line for you. Oh, okay. So I ADR on the spot. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:40:59 Man, I'm really tired of that run. I love a beer. This should quench your thirst. It'll get you fucked up. Print it, check the gate. Wow. That was pretty good. That's a pretty good thank you so much. All the films from when we were in our youth, all the films that were dubbed over.

Starting point is 00:41:16 Yeah. These will gauge your thirst. Yeah. Are you a fan of cinema? I love cinema, dude. Like my dream, you know, we meet at the comedy store and you see me rip and shit and like you do okay I do I mean the the the building shakes. It does shake yeah. You saw it shake. I see it shake yeah. There's this heckler

Starting point is 00:41:36 video and there's footage of me. It was an earthquake at the same time. No no give me credit come on. All right yeah and I didn't know how you got that camel up on stage that was amazing yeah yeah it was a full-blown camel on stage. It's a No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, it's a little kind of I don't want to give away exact on this. I know but it's still a crowd I don't do you I don't even do that bit that much anymore. So yeah, all right, you don't not anymore really I've seen you do it five times when you were where do I store? No now you don't do it the store anymore But you saw the car or something. Oh, we saw you do that you close with the camera But then David Copperfield was like I do a similar thing and so I have to start. And to juggle three koala bears is,

Starting point is 00:42:25 I mean, I just don't, and they're alive. And they all have herpes, because koalas, they all have herpes. You have to dodge, you have to like, dodge their lips when you're juggling them. Incredible work. Thanks man, thank you. But yeah, I want to get into cinema.

Starting point is 00:42:37 Like I want to be in action movies is my dream. Whoa. I would do a rom-com to, like whatever I got to do to build my way up. Well, let me see, how about this? I'd like to see your cast ability because we are making a movie right now. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:49 Why don't you show me if you're the love interest for Bobby. Bobby's a sweet little lady and you're obviously you. I'd like to see, you know, you flirting with her at a bar to try to see if I could put you in our movie. We do have a scene where, you know, we have a scene, we need a guy that's flirting with this girl and they end up getting into a big fight scene physically, but let's just see you flirt and see if it works.

Starting point is 00:43:09 Sure, sure. So we're at the bar? Yeah, you're at a bar. It's actually, it's in New York. It's in the village. It's kind of a hip, cool, young bar. She's a NYU grad student. Okay, how old is she?

Starting point is 00:43:23 Grad student, she's 23. 23. 23 years old and... Tight pussy? Huh? Tight pussy? It's pretty tight, yeah. From what it looks. Well, it's, you know... Hold on.

Starting point is 00:43:31 Oh, sorry. I mean, it's just that I don't want people to talk about my pussy that way. No, it's tight. It is tight. It is tight. It's tight. All right, I mean, it's not tight.

Starting point is 00:43:39 Why wouldn't you want it to be tight? Why are you throwing away tight pussy? Okay, fine. All right, let's go. And her name is Camille. Camille. And let's see how this takes place. Go ahead and action.

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Starting point is 00:46:14 Camille, right? Yeah, how'd you know? Just your reputation proceeds you. Oh really, you mean at law school? Yeah, and everywhere. Oh, thank you. How many what's your name? Oh, I mean my name is Lance Lance. Oh, I think I've heard of you. Oh, yeah, can't stop unless hopefully all good Holy shit. Yeah So I need legal help. Okay. I hate a guy with my car. Yeah

Starting point is 00:46:41 Yeah, what would you do? It was totally my fault But I needed to not appear so I'm sorry. What did What would you do? It was totally my fault. But I needed to not appear so. I'm sorry, did the police show up? The authorities? Iran. Iran. Iran. So there's probably a warrant out for your arrest?

Starting point is 00:46:56 Perhaps, but I'm trying to get ahead of it. Okay, you get ahead, okay. But aside from that. Did he die? Maybe. Okay, well. I didn't really stick around to find that. All right.

Starting point is 00:47:06 But let's table what I told you. Okay. I want to fuck you tonight. Oh, wow. What a turn. Are you okay? No, I'm just sorry. I just, you know.

Starting point is 00:47:19 Can we get there some water? No, I'm fine. I got water right here. What a switch though. That was really fast. I move fast. I know you do. I see something. I got water right here. What a switch though. That was really fast. I move fast. I know you do. I see something I like.

Starting point is 00:47:27 I go for it. You went from your wanted fugitive. Allegedly. And then you went a fuck. Yes. Okay. Well, let's deal with the first problem first. And then maybe I'll think, do you like loose pussies?

Starting point is 00:47:40 They're not ideal. I've had five kids. What? It's loose. It's pretty loose. Bye. Hi, I'm John Quinones from What Would You Do? We just did a scene from What Would You Do?

Starting point is 00:47:58 Yes. And you, you failed. I did? Yeah. Okay. You were gonna have sex with Lance. I was, yes. Bad.

Starting point is 00:48:06 Bad girl. Why? He's a fugitive, he murdered people. Shut your mouth. You want to be added to the list? Wow, wow. Great. Lance, I apologize.

Starting point is 00:48:16 Very good. Very good, Lance. Skill set is pretty incredible. Yeah, I feel my range is pretty, I can do high octane, like get on the motorcycle, but then I can bring it down and tell you, I like tight pussy. Are you a single guy?

Starting point is 00:48:26 Yeah, I'm always single. You've never been in a relationship? No, sometimes I do fear that way, where they kind of want that. And then I get very busy. What do you get busy doing? You know, work. What are you doing working?

Starting point is 00:48:37 You know, writing, acting. When's last act? Just nebulous stuff where they can't keep tabs, you know? Like I don't work in the, yeah, you know, like when you're an artist, you go, oh, I'm my process. And then they have to respect the process. You do have to respect. And then if they get really, really upset,

Starting point is 00:48:53 I just say, baby, you're my muse. And then they like, cause they have no talent themselves. So they are like to know that my jokes and my art come from me being bad to them is alluring to them. Like that's why Picasso, you know, Picasso had so many chicks and stuff. I just don't think you have a lot of range.

Starting point is 00:49:12 What the fuck? Yeah. What do you mean? I don't think you have a lot of range. And I just want to do a different movie scenario if I may. Yeah, like Dear Daniel Deleuze. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:49:21 We're on a different planet and we're an alien species, right? So CGI? Yeah, we're just some CGI, but I'm an alien creature. It's like Star Trek nine. Right. All right. And you're playing an alien. OK. OK. And with the same scenario, we're at a bar. OK. So you're coming to me. I have a drink, right?

Starting point is 00:49:44 Holy fuck, he has it. Wow. Dude, he has it right. I ain't got a lot of people. I'm just a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little

Starting point is 00:49:59 bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little Yeah, it's all that. Lance, let me ask you. These are the real likewise. You seem to be connected to the universe that we live in. You know a lot of people that I know, although a lot of people don't know you well. What are some comedians? If we name comedians, because I know I said you had a little bit of beef. Nah, slight beef.

Starting point is 00:50:17 You're trying to stir pot between, you know, biggest guy in comedy and me right now. No, I'm not doing it. I just people said that you and Bert, who do you... Where? Where do you say like it's trending or something said that you and Berr, who do you? Where? You say like it's trending or something. It's just a fist bump that, you know, a miscommunication.

Starting point is 00:50:30 All right, let me name some comics and see if you have an association with them at all. Sure. Okay, is that fine? Yeah. Okay, how about, how about Jess on it? Jess on it, yeah. I know of him.

Starting point is 00:50:40 No beef with him? No beef. You like him? I like his style. You think he's cool? He wear a jean jacket too. What about Spade? What about Spade? You like David Spade?

Starting point is 00:50:47 Love Spade. Longevity. Right. Great. Chicks. Great with chicks. What about Fahim? You know Fahim Anwar? You like him? Nah, he's okay, I guess. Why did you pause? Why?

Starting point is 00:51:01 He all right. He kind of, you know, what I'm talking about. He has a great special coming out. That's great. He does. He's know, what I talking about. He has a great special coming out. That's great. He does. He's putting in a special right now. Yeah. Where is it? Where is it going to be? What do you mean? Where is it going to be?

Starting point is 00:51:15 What's the home? Netflix? No, it's going to be on. It's going to be on YouTube. It's called House Money. Oh, how's my favorite 28. Can't anyone upload on YouTube? Yeah. Oh, yeah. But that's not let's not talk shit. You don't have a special on YouTube. I donth. Can't anyone upload on YouTube? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, but that's not, let's not talk shit. You don't have a special on YouTube. I don't need to.

Starting point is 00:51:28 Every time I go on stage, it's special. Okay. I highly doubt that. Yeah. No, for real. Ask audience, just the building. I know, but I'm saying you can't take shots of people that have been in comedy for a long time that are doing shit and you haven't proven yourself yet.

Starting point is 00:51:40 I mean, maybe not on a large scale, but anybody who know comedy and shit, no Lance is fucking, you know on the rocket ship The success. I don't know. We've asked a lot of people I don't I would say some people know who you are, but I think you need to be humbled a little bit All right. Yeah, I take your note. I take your note, but you know for him, right? I know of right. So you've talked to him about the house money. Have you now? We haven't talked about that Maybe I don't know. Yeah

Starting point is 00:52:05 She a great special. Yeah. Yeah. It's a. Yes, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, sure. Yeah. She a great special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great special, right? I've never seen that. I know. It's February 28. Who's going to watch it? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:52:12 Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I will watch it. I'll watch it too. He's my old friend. So I love him. He's my oldest friend in comedy. I met him when we both came, when I was out here

Starting point is 00:52:20 and we started together. So that's why I don't want you to disrespect me. Sure, sure. No, I hope to have a YouTube special someday too. Listen, Fihim Anwar- Again, I see that you're being kind of- No, I'm being real. I don't like it.

Starting point is 00:52:32 I want one. Don't disrespect my friend. Okay, I'm- You're on our show. I don't like that kind of big one. Sorry, I don't like it. All right, that's not a good one. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:52:40 Well, I mean, come on. Fihim Anwar is one of the best comics on planet or like- He used to open for you? He used to open for me and he is a sweet kid. You could see his talent from just the first time you see him. Sounds like he's dying. No, he's not dying. He's not, but Lance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:56 Does he have illness? Does he have illness? He's the sweetest kid. The left side of his face is very nice. And we're just part of the guy, you know? We are. Well, that's cool. All right, well.

Starting point is 00:53:06 When I do a special someday, you guys, you give me this type of thing. Maybe. We'll see. I mean, look, if you kind of stay in your lane, that's what we like to say here on the same. Stay in my lane. Yeah, don't step on toes again. Let's not step on toes.

Starting point is 00:53:18 Yeah, they're hierarchy, they're respect, you know? That's what I'm, because I'm so new to stand up, you know? I'm only five years in and I don't realize that there is like, it's like the mob. You got to pay your dues. You got to pay your dues. Kiss certain people. Kiss the ring. Yeah, you can't, you can't like talk about certain people a certain way.

Starting point is 00:53:32 That's a secret cow. It's just rude. Yeah, it's rude. It's rude. Yeah. But in hip hop, you take shot at people and you become fucking. Yeah, but were you ever a hip hop artist? Nah, I love it though. You do.

Starting point is 00:53:43 Big fan of hip hop. Who do you listen to? Right now, I mean Kanye. Oh, that's a tough one. No good? Well, no, no. His talent is there. I just think publicly he's having a tough time.

Starting point is 00:53:54 Sure, sure. But I mean, you could play his music to the most Jewish person and he's still... Even with the curls and the yamaka, you'd be fucking... Wow. Yeezy's still comfy, you'd be fucking. Wow. Yeah. Yeezy's still comfy, you know? And what you learned how to dance, is that improvised? It's improvised.

Starting point is 00:54:09 I'm glad you asked. I'm glad I did too. Yeah, I just, music come on and then I kind of black out. Like I go into a fugue state or something and I'm not even dancing. I'm a vessel for whatever the music is. This is how you get laid typically? Typically. no words. Just, you know, if we're at the club or a rave or something

Starting point is 00:54:28 and the music come. Yeah. And after I'm done. You know what, I'll be honest, I think I dance pretty good. Maybe can you critique some of my moves? Sure, sure. All right.

Starting point is 00:54:37 Oh, my God. What is this? So, let me, I would just do maybe some dancing. Maybe see. Oh, get ready for the beat to drop Bobby Oh shit the drop before the drop check his vitals everybody oh yeah put it in the air holy shit Wow one thing I will say what do you think what do you guys think he feels it not good no that I think it's very good

Starting point is 00:55:26 Also what I like no real no I just I took a risk. No, it was a really good risk curious What were the sounds you making my emotions? That's pure emotion. I think the risk was cardio hurt. Yeah, I could tell the motion of pain Yeah, my body hurts Lance. Do you think you can upstage him? I mean, no, no, no, no, no, upstage bad word. Yeah. Because that was uniquely Bobby. Yeah, thank you.

Starting point is 00:55:51 When you go to a club, not one other person will be doing that. Right. They should. Well, if you open up a class and you want to, if you want to impart that to other people's ass. Well, that was purely improvised. Improvised, yeah, I could tell.

Starting point is 00:56:04 Well, what song would you prefer to impart that to other people. Well, that was purely improvised. Improvised, yeah, I could tell. Well, what song would you prefer to get down to? Choose, do you have more royalty free music? He always, yeah, that's what he's, yeah. Cause I don't like popular stuff, other than Kanye, you know. Right, all right, let's hear something else. Let's see if it gets you down. This, turn it up, man.

Starting point is 00:56:23 That's pretty good. Yeah, crank it up do I stand? yeah put the water down it's hard to then oh shit oh shit

Starting point is 00:56:36 turn it up oh shit oh shit Shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh that's the real one. Oh that's the, oh shit. Oh.

Starting point is 00:57:03 Wow. Wow dude. Yeah. Wow. Wow. In my face. Wow. I'm horny. I'm horny. Yeah. Oh shit.

Starting point is 00:57:11 I magic mic'd you at the end. You magic my mouth. Yeah. So thank you. Thank you so much. That was incredible dude. But yeah, you know thank you so much. That was incredible, dude.

Starting point is 00:57:27 But yeah, that wasn't prepared. Cut mine out. Nah, leave it. Mine sucked. Nah, yours was good. I was like, meh, I'm gonna put the mic on. But you make cool noises. I thought it was really good.

Starting point is 00:57:37 You know, mine was sucked, man. I would dance it all, dude. No, you did. But to do all, you know what I mean? I love all of it. But what's great about yours, because I was doing a lot of movement Nah, you're doing it's like a master. No, you're like knives in now. I'm a fool

Starting point is 00:57:51 I'm a fool your knives in right now. I thought it looked good. It was good. No, no, no, no, no, no Bobby Bobby Bobby here difference. I was moving around a lot. Yeah. But you had suspense. Yes. Oh, I see. Stationary suspense. So it's the movement without movement. Wow.

Starting point is 00:58:13 Yeah. Right. And that's important. But I was OK. Because it's it's. I was doing a lot. Right. I was doing a little bit a lot.

Starting point is 00:58:20 Yes. You're doing a lot. Little, little. That's you're doing a lot with a little. Yeah, little. You're doing a lot with a little. Yeah, yeah. Also, if I do that at the club, I get sweaty very fast. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:29 And then my chances of fucking go down. Right. You're not going to be sweating as much doing what you do. But can I say something? I'll be real too. When I was watching you dance, I could feel my pussy tighten. Yeah, but you're not in my market audience.

Starting point is 00:58:42 I'm saying that my pussy without real tight. Did you or not? I think the whole market got tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever saying that my pussy was not real tight. Did you or not? I think the whole market got tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever your market is, that market got tight. Yeah, I was just like a virgin. Oh, okay, so that's good then. Yeah, that's a good thing, yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:53 Okay, okay. Not bad for you. Yeah, for me. Because sometimes when pussy get too tight, then it's like you don't want it so tight you can't get in. Okay, yeah, okay, anyway, yeah. Right, okay. I understand.

Starting point is 00:59:02 All right. Consent, consent, not, you know, like. We understand what you're saying. No, no, no, you know what I mean? Like. We understand what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, okay. I understand. All right. Consent, consent, not, you know, like. We understand what you're saying. No, no, no, you know what I mean? Like. We understand what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes without saying. It goes without saying. It goes without saying. You know what I mean? It goes without saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I beg consent.

Starting point is 00:59:16 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. We know. We know. Yeah. But when you say it so much. Yeah. But I just like to reiterate that yeah I for that yeah it

Starting point is 00:59:25 goes without it's just move on yeah right yes yes we agree we agree we agree to disagree anyway can I ask you a question yeah um do you dance I don't I don't yeah I could tell that but I I can try yeah I would love because like we both kind of bore our soul right here yeah I can yeah I would like to stand or I'd have to feel the music I guess, I can. Yeah, go ahead. You're gonna stand or probably... I just have to feel the music, I guess. Oh, I guess, yeah, yeah. You go clubbing us sometime together?

Starting point is 00:59:50 Maybe. Yeah. It's so good. It's so good. It's got red. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good. It's so good. Oh my god. It's so good. It's so good. Oh my God, it's less is more.

Starting point is 01:00:29 Right. Oh my God. Oh, that was so come on. Clap. Oh, so good. That is pretty good. It's as almost as if he didn't dance. I thought it was building up. You move people to tears.

Starting point is 01:00:42 Move to tears. I don't want to be. I'm a little embarrassed. I just don't ever really dance much, but. It's interesting because it seems, it's like build up, but that it, you know? You think it building up to a drop? No, no. Like you're all build up, which is great.

Starting point is 01:00:58 Do you have any notes? There's no notes. Okay. Kind of angry at the beginning, kind of upset and hitting the table. Yeah It was almost like you you got bad news in the morning, right? Or got told he had to stay late to work and your uncle Jack died, right? And you just kind of like what I'm I've never danced in front of people. I've just that's the first time I've ever No, you know to be honest with you, I'm embarrassed about mine. Why?

Starting point is 01:01:25 No, yours good, dude. No, mine was too much. It was the opposite of his. I went all climax. There was no build up. But that's okay. You can have another chance. Sometimes you don't need foreplay.

Starting point is 01:01:35 I wish I could learn how to do that style. I gotta be honest, that's unteachable. That kind of stuff. Oh yeah, that's what I thought gathered. That'd be great if you do open up a class. Like in- Dance class? Yeah, yeah, with great if you do open up a class. Dance class? Yeah, yeah, with a rolling chair and a desk and all these hot chicks are learning.

Starting point is 01:01:49 I mean, I would do it if, I mean, I would just have some business investors to get that kind of thing off the ground. That'd be fun. Do you have the time to do that even? You seem kind of busy with stuff. No, no, no, I have a lot of time. I don't have much going on.

Starting point is 01:01:58 I can't got it. Yeah, yeah, that's part of it. That's similar to what you do. Yeah, that's a part of it. I kind of want to learn too. Yeah, let's learn it, learn That's similar to what you do. I kinda wanna learn too. Yeah, let's learn it. Learn it. And then you do this a lot? Just kill him to get me involved in the move.

Starting point is 01:02:12 Yeah, he's... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. So that's your signature move. Yeah, my instinct instinct he just shoot like lightning balls. Yeah, I try to do what you do But I just my instincts goes there. It was too much. It's very I think you're right. No, I like it I couldn't stand that pocket. It's very simple. It's a discipline. Yeah, what you did was a discipline It's a it's a it's all I've ever known So that's all you need to know. It's all I need to know. Yeah, that's all you need to know. Stay deep in the water.

Starting point is 01:02:45 Wow, dude. With that kind of stuff. Incredible, dude. I really can't go further. I will. Yeah. That was amazing, dude. And thank you guys for sharing your dance with me.

Starting point is 01:02:53 Thank you, dude. Thank you, Lance. Yeah, oh my God. I feel like you came in here really hot heavy. And I think the bonding is stronger after. To be real? When I knew you. Part of it, you know, I scared.

Starting point is 01:03:04 You're scared of us. I'm scared too of it, you know, I'm scared. You're scared of us? I'm scared too. Well, you know, yeah, yeah. You put on a bravado to protect you from being injured or hurt as a person. Anyway, Fihim special. Oh, yeah, you wanna plug a special again? What's it called again?

Starting point is 01:03:19 I have no idea. House Money. Oh, House Money. Everybody watch Fihim special, House Money. It's on YouTube, February 28th, and it's gonna be great That's our boy. He's our boy. I want to thank Lance can stop us for coming. Thanks. Thank you so much Very much. Yeah, can you say this to the camera Lance? Thank you for being a bad friend Oh, I would love to what camera you want that one right in front of you. That's facing you and that was my line

Starting point is 01:03:42 Thank you for being bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. I look in there, yeah. Do here? Yeah. Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo! You know what, let me do you.

Starting point is 01:03:58 That's pretty good. I'll do the voice and you do the. Oh, okay. So like repeat friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ready? One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend. Let me try. Ready? You do that. Okay, so like repeat from. One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Starting point is 01:04:07 Let me try. Ready? One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend, man. Let's try again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me again? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:19 Thank you for being a bad friend, man. You don't have to say man at the end, but that's fine. I'll do it again. Yeah, go ahead. Thank you for being bad friend. Wow. Let me try one more. Okay.

Starting point is 01:04:32 Thank you for being a bad friend. Good. You do one. Thank you for being a bad friend. All right, I'll do one. Ready? Thank you for being a bad friend. Oh, that's good'll do one ready. Thank you you for being a bad friend All right, that's good now one more. Come on. He's gonna keep doing this all night. Thank you for being bad friends

Starting point is 01:04:55 Ready yeah, thank you for being a bad friend Okay, good. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you, I love you so much.

Bad Friends - Bobby Loves Giant Melons

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