Bad Friends - Daddy Why You Die?

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Thank you to our sponsors: http://bluechew.com code: badfriends & http://policygenius.com & http://golfcritique.com code: badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino. More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Father's Day Song by: Beta Days (https://www.instagram.com/betadays_stt) & Joe Faria (https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria) Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership

It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob? Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started Your bad friends Welcome to another episode of bad friends everybody. Um yesterday was yesterday was Yesterday was Father's Day and oh boy, I miss my dad and the thing is I wanted to um, write a father's day song And I told you I was gonna do that too. Yeah, you promised me and I thought you weren't gonna do it but I'm being serious.

And I forgot about it, and then we were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late. I wasn't late, I was getting you sugar-free Red Bull, Rudy. Was I getting sugar-free Red Bull? Yeah. See? Okay, but were we here before I called them?

Dude, you called me. It doesn't matter. No, no, you called me and said- Can we do the Father's Day? What's you're angry about? You always do this to me, you trample on me. Trample, trample. You're trample.

You trample on me. Trample, trample. You trample, trample. That's you, trample, trample. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, trample-y. Well, you know, while we were waiting for you, because we were early.

Because I got sugar-free Red Bull, you go. Yeah, and I wrote a song real quick. Because I write a lot of music on my garage band, so I just came up with it. I have an old, older, like weird song, you know what I mean? So I wrote a song for my dad. Okay, let's hear it. All right.

Daddy, I love you. Daddy, why you die? Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Daddy, I can fly. Daddy, I miss you. Why are you dead? Why did you die? Daddy, I need you.

I need you so badly. Laying in your bed. Laying in your bed. Laying in your bed. I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead. And sent it to the heart says what was in my head. You were dead and I whipped out my phone. I can't fucking believe I did that shit.

I'm all alone. I miss you, Daddy. I love you. Okay, there we go. That's a song. Very good. Very good song. I miss you, Dad.

And he died 11 months ago. Wait, was it already 11 months ago? Oh my God. It's terrible. Rest in peace, Daddy. It's been a terrible, terrible 12 months. It's been bad. Yeah, it's been bad.

My dad died last August and then the pandemic. Then the pandemic came. You sound like it's fake. You're saying like it's not a real. It's not real. Yeah, that's DL. Can you? We'll talk about that later.

We'll talk about later. And then. DL, huge. Jesus. DL. And then poured. Then a massive injustice. George Floyd.

That happened once again for the thousands time. And then last Tuesday something happened that was just as shocking and terrifying to me. Same. I have a, I want people to know that I don't know what I don't know. The news that you received Tuesday is the same exact new information that we received. We received. Yeah, we didn't, we were not privy to any of that stuff and did not know. And we found out when you found out.

I think that that kind of behavior is abhorrent. I resent it. And it's not good. No. It was, it was, it was, it was awful and shocking and very, quite frankly, taken us all aback. I mean, we called each other and, you know, you sit in disbelief because you, you don't know, we don't know this stuff and we're finding this stuff out at the same time people are and people are throwing, throwing around questions to everybody.

We don't know. I haven't slept. We haven't slept. I mean, and what we know now is we're, it's really, it's really, it's really disappointing it's really sad. And I think all we can say is we hope, we hope he gets help. And that's it. And that's all we can say.

I mean, I like, you know, that's all we can say. Yeah. But we want to continue to do our bad friend show. Can we do our bad friend show? We want to do our bad friend show. Yeah. And we started with the dead dad song, which I think is good. I have two dads.

I brag to you very, very heavily about that. But when you say that. No. Because you've been saying that all day had one dad. I know your mom looks like a man, but is that what you're saying that my mom looks like a man? I have two dads. My mom is very pretty.

I put, I put pictures of her online. She's a very pretty woman. I've seen your mom. Yeah. She's beautiful. No, she's not. The little BTS troll. I've seen her.

Really? You want to see my mom? No. Yeah. I'm going to show you my mom. Yeah. I want to see your mom. All right.

Here's my dad holding me, by the way, when I was a baby. It's so fucking funny. It's so funny. That's my home. Me as a baby. Look at your dad's head. Your dad's head is huge. It makes sense why your fucking melon is so big.

Your dad's head is massive. Look at how big his dad's melon is. I can't help it. I'm Korean. Do all Koreans have big heads? Yep. We're generally a big headed people. I don't know.

That's huge. That looks like a fucking helium balloon. Yeah. Next to my baby head, it's just my baby and it looks big. Your baby head looks like my head as an adult. And then this is my mother. That's my mother. It's so fucking funny.

Is she cross-eyed? Yeah. She is cross-eyed. Hey, fuck you. And that's my mom. You made fun of my parents. That's my mom. You're the one that said, I have two dads.

I don't know what to fucking assume. I do have two dads. Well, I have two. Technically, I have two dads. You really? So you're... My mom remarried. My mom was a...

Oh, she did. What happened to the OG dad? What happened to OG dad? He's still alive. He abandoned you. No, he didn't. He abandoned the family. Did he abandon you?

Do you have resentment? No. He went away to prison. Is that the one that you were just talking to earlier? No. That was my stepdad. That's your fake dad. That's my stepdad.

My stepdad. That was my fake dad. Not your real dad. Not your real dad. No, that is my real dad. That's not biological blood dad. My biological father went away to prison. Did he really?

Yeah, a few times. Why? See, now everything comes so clear to me. He comes to a point and I can figure things out because I'm thinking to myself, you know what I mean? Where does his like... No, he had... My parents got divorced when I was young.

You're rage though. You're rage and you're anger. My parents got divorced when I was young. Where did that come from? Your original dad? Your original dad? My parents got divorced when I was young. Your original dad.

My parents got divorced when I was young. My parents got divorced when I was young. My parents got divorced when I was young. My mom is a strong, bad-ass, independent, hardcore, beautiful woman who is a fucking gangster who raised me by herself, like a G, started at the bottom. I love your mom. She's a gangster. She's a fucking bad-ass woman.

Okay. Respect my mother. All right. So what happened to your original dad? Unfortunately, he's a drug addict and he got caught up in the drug scene and went away. But I mean, he's been sober and healthy for a long time. And so did he start a new family? I used to joke, my dad has more kids than my black friends have shoes.

Whoa, too soon. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, after George Floyd. Come on, man. Shut the fuck up. So you have other, you have stepbrothers and sisters. Those are half. Those are half.

That means half. You have half ones. Yeah, those are half. And do you ever mention them that you don't consider them real? No, no, no. I don't know most of my dad's side of the, I don't know a lot of them. Like we just went separate ways in life. Oh, so you don't know, you have half brothers and sisters out there.

Yeah, they're your halfs. Do you, that you've never met or talked to? I have one. I have one that's like, that's like a couple of years younger than me. How old is she? Well, I'm 36 and she must be 33. After my mom split for my dad. Is that incest a few point because you don't want to raise together?

I mean, if I do like Latino chicks and come on, no, but I know, I've never met her. I don't even know who she is, but she's a couple of years younger than me and I don't know who she is. And does she have the same last name as yours, Santino? No, because I don't think her, my father and her mother never got married. They just had a child together. They never got married. So she has the last name of her mother.

My dad didn't remarry. Do you have the last name of your OG dad? Yeah, Santino is my, my, my birth name, a birth name. And is your sister. The one that you know, my, my sister, my real sister, well, she's, no, I'm the only child that she's my half. She's from my stepdad and my mom. Wow.

But my, but my, the, the one I'm referring to, the one that's like 33 who I don't know I've never met before is a grown woman who my dad had a couple of years after my parent, my mom and him split. Why don't you guys get together? I don't know. Maybe she doesn't fucking want to get together. Have you tried? No.

Do you know her name and all that? We're not going to say it, but you don't know. No, I don't, I don't know. I don't know her name. You don't even fucking know her name. Dude, it was a story that I didn't learn until literally a couple of years ago. I was told this story later in life of like, Hey, you have a sister. So you have no real relationship with OG.

With her? No, with your original dad. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. You never said, Hey dad, do I have any half brothers and sisters? No, that's what I'm saying. He told me later in life.

Okay. Yeah. But, but also I was like, Oh my God, I have a 34 year old or whatever, 33 year old. It's crazy to think someone is almost your age that you've never met in 30 years, 30 some odd years. That is strange. Right. You've not, you don't even know.

It's blood. Like, like, like all of us have some kind of family member that we've never met before. Like, I know some people have family members that I've heard this from. There was a comic. Oh, I don't want to mention his name. This was crazy though. He learned his father had a had another family was like not married, but was like raising another entire another family with a woman who had kids from another family and they

raised a kids together that they had and it didn't exist until he was in his late 20s. Oh my God. I'm going to be off air who it was. It's dude. It put him in a spiral. It's spiraling. That he's like, wait a minute. I have, you have, I have sisters and brothers with someone I've never even met.

Yeah. 20 some odd years. It's funny because when you find out things about people like that, like that they have another four. No, he's even even dark shit. Huh? Like, you know, I worked with this girl once on a show, which show I can't tell you because I don't want people to narrow it down and go, it's this person.

Sure. So I worked with this person on the show and this person like, um, whenever I do scenes with her, like they would say cut and I go, that was good. And she would just kind of look at me like that. And I go, did you like it? And I go, how would you do this weekend? You know what I mean? You go to craft service, right?

She's lunchtime. She's eating the spoons. No, she's sitting by herself. Right. Oh, the ghost sit with her. I do. I would go, I would go, you know what I mean? You know, like, like I'm the popular kid at school.

You with my Letterman jacket. Yeah. Can you imagine one of those high school movies that all the good looking kids are nerds and you're the popular kid? And you walk around, you're like, what's up, ladies? I was like, Bobby's here. Yeah. Yeah.

I like to hang out with the stoners or whatever. Right. And the weird nerds. So I go, I would sit next to her and go, wow, fuck. You know what I mean? Chicken again. Or something like that. She would just eat chicken.

Well, no. We, you know, sometimes craft service, they just have one piece of kind of meat. Oh, yeah. Because it kind of a ghetto. So I go chicken again, and she'd just be like, yeah, chicken. And she would just eat it. Right. And I was like, I can't get through like we're on a show together.

Yeah. Right. Were you acting in scenes together? Oh, yeah. Yeah. One time. Wait, wait, finish this though. She was eating alone.

Yeah. She would eat alone a lot. And I would go and she would just give me cross eyes and go, yeah, chicken and just eat. Never ask about me. But you'd sit there in silence. You'd just eat a meal with her. You'd sit in silence and just go, what else can I say?

You don't need to get it going. Yeah. You know what I mean? Wow. The new fucking Radiohead album, I don't get it in rainbows. I don't get it. She's like, what's a radiohead? What's a rainbow?

What's a rainbow? Do you mean your car? Yeah, it was that kind of thing. So what? And then one time in the scene, I had to pull her hair. What? Yeah. In a scene, I had to pull her hair.

Like a sex scene? No, it wasn't sex scene. It was a violence scene. Like you were fighting her. Yeah. And she had wig on. I didn't know that. So I pulled the wig and the bobby pins were going to her scalp and I was pulling it and

then blood was coming down into her face. And she was going, what the hell did you do to me? Because maybe I was trying to get a response out of her. How did you not know? I don't know. I was like, talk to me. Like that. And blood was coming down her face.

She went crazy on me. What the fuck? Yeah, dude, you're causing her to fucking her skull is impacted with bobby pins. So then one day I just went to, you know, another friend that's on the show and she goes in college. She was in college and she found out that she got a call that her dad killed her mom and then he killed himself. Oh my God.

So that ever since then, you know, I'd see her eating by herself. I would just sit with the other people. So fuck daddy, I love you. Wow. Have you worked with crazy people? Not. Well, yes. Yes.

Yeah. Crazy is in like their mean. They're very, very mean. Yeah. And I don't, I don't, you know, look, I've all of this, all of this, I've worked with people and I've talked about it before. I've worked with people on shows where they, um, they're acting and their process tends to be very heavy and it drains the room and it makes you feel kind of uncomfortable that

you're like, am I just, I'll tell you the number one person for me. Okay. I'll say the name. I'm going to fuck. Okay. Brooke Shields. Really? Brooke Shields.

I said it. Is what mean? Is an absolute. I fucking hate her. Bing, bing, bing. I fucking hate her. Wait, why? Fucking hate her.

Dude, what did she do, dude? Dude, I fucking hate you. What did she do? So, um, and I'm going to, I'm going to expose all kinds of people right now because this, this story, I, I've always like kind of held in my heart. Yeah. But fuck it. I'm going to fuck.

What did she do? I'll tell you what she did. I'll tell you what they did. So I'm, I'm mad TV, right? Yeah. And so I get a call from Fox television. They go, Hey, we want you on this other show. What was the other show?

It was called new car smell. That's kind of shitty idea. Right. It's got that new car smell. Right. So let me guess. It's a sitcom about car salesmen. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. Um, Brooke Shields is the star. Okay. And, um, so then I get a call going, you know, us as a network, we want you on the show, but the show runners don't want you on the show. Why? Because they want Getty want a knobby.

Oh, you knew who that is? Yes. He does. He was a long duck dog from 16 candles. Yeah. I, I, yes. So then I just call. Is he, is he alive?

Yeah. So, um, I was a kid. I was what, 28 years old. Yeah. So I go, yeah, I don't want to do it then. And they're like, it's a lot of money. It's a great, it's a network prime time. You're on a late night Saturday show that no one watches.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You got it. Come on. We want you. Yeah. So I go, who else is in it? And they go a couple of names.

David Tell. Huge. Right. Um, you know who else had a couple, a guest star was Jimmy Schuber. I love Jimmy Schuber. I love Jimmy. So I go, yeah, I'll do it then. But then, so it's the Cullen brothers are the show runners.

The Cullen brothers? Yeah. So Rob Cullen, Rob Cullen used to hang out with dice. Huh? And dice me and Rob Cullen went to Vegas one time when I was a kid. I was 25. And, and, and dice lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Dude, I've heard he loves gambling.

Yeah. So dice took me, he used to call me Ching. So I was, I was, I was, I was working the back door. Yeah. And he goes, Hey, Ching, you know, me and Rob Cullen are going to go to Vegas. Get in the fucking car. I'm working the back door. They want to drive to Vegas?

No. Oh, I'm wearing a comedy star t-shirt and I have no money. And I go, What? I'm working. No, I talked to the manager. So I literally no money, no clothes. Right. Just got in a car with them and drove to LAX.

To go to Vegas. Yes. What? Yeah. You dice and Cullen. Me dice and this guy Rob Cullen. Okay. So we go to Vegas and we're sitting at the blackjack, the high end ones.

And, and dice would fucking throw down $10,000 hands. $10,000 hands. Yeah. He was making that kind of money. He was a multimultimillionaire. I know, but $10,000 hands. Yeah. It was crazy.

You crazy. And I'm sitting there going, and he would lose 50,000. You know what I mean? In 20 minutes. And not care. And not care. And I would just be like sweating because he brought me because he thought I was a good luck charm.

Right. Ching will bring us luck. Ching, he lost a lot of money. Yeah. And he goes, you're not good luck. Yeah. And the next day, right? So I had that experience with Rob Cullen.

But he liked you. Yeah. We're friends. Okay. So then, um, now I'm on a show with his brother and him are show running and they didn't want me. They want to get a one knobby. And so I had like two pages of like dialogue in it and, and David Swimmer was the director

from friends. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know. I directed it. The swim dog. He walked up to me and go, Hey, man, they cut a page. It's your page.

Yeah. And I go, okay. So yeah, it's just this big chunk in the front. So, you know, you're, you're introducing, you know what I mean? You're introducing yourself. Yeah. But it'll be great when the show gets picked up. You know what I mean?

They'll give you more lines. So go, okay. The next day, chunks gone. Chunk is gone. And I go, what do you mean? Yeah. Just gone. You have a line now.

And I go, what does that mean? Listen, you know, I'm, I'm on friends. I was on friends. I know how these work. These things work. You're fine. Yeah. You just want to test.

Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. But in my, in my head, I'm like, you're fine. I was on friends. Yeah. What does that even mean? I don't know.

I was on one of those successes to come. You're fine. You have the experience. You have the experience. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're going to be fine. You're like, what do I do then?

You walk in. You walk in, you walk out. You don't even say hi? No. You sound like me and disaster artist. Right. So, but then, but, so I'm on it for like a week and a half or two weeks a lot. You know, so you're rehearsing every day.

Oh God. Every day gets worse and worse. And now boils are forming on my head. What do you mean? Stress boils? Yeah. Gigantic boils are stressed on my head. Yeah.

And I was smoking like 15 packs of cigarettes. Because you thought you were going to get canned from the show? I don't know what was going on. I had never been in the situation before. Right. It was so uncomfortable. But then like I would, I thought, you know, Brook Shields is the star. So, I remember walking right up to her one morning and she's at like craft service.

I look her right in the eyes like a good morning and she just kind of looks at me and walks away. That's why you hate Brook Shields? Yeah. Bob. That's such a stretch. No. You said good morning and she just walked.

She didn't talk to me all. What if she didn't hear you? No, no, it's not that. Or see you. She's taller than you, isn't she? The scene that I'm walking in. She's probably fine. Ten.

The scene I'm walking in and out of. Yeah. I'm obviously there on set rehearsing, right? How tall is Brook Shields? Rudy, were you looked at? How tall is Brook Shields? Right. I'm obviously right.

Yeah. And she won't even lock eyes with me. I don't. You don't think I fucking know when somebody doesn't like me? It's not that. What if she didn't? No. It's this.

She knew I was on my way out. So she. She didn't need to. She wrote you off. Yeah. She didn't need to make that connection. Right? But here's the answer.

Yeah. To everyone's question. Mm-hmm. I'm still here. Papa's still here. I'm still here. Papa's still here. Right?

And it's like, I think I deserve a little bit of an amends from the Cullen Brothers. I don't think she did that on purpose. How tall is she? Six. She's six feet. Six foot? She's six feet tall. She's six foot five?

Let's just say she was in heels that day. No. She's six, one, six, two. She's six, one, six, two. Two weeks? Come on, man. But you're so low to the earth. How do you know she.

All right. She could see right over you. And she hears a little voice. No one said hi to Peter Dinklage on fucking Game of Thrones. Did you not hear that story? The first day he showed up, they didn't even know he was there. He acted the whole day. They didn't even know he was there.

Yeah, that's so fucking funny. That's so funny. Don't say fuckbrookbrook shields because of that. That's such a small. Real thing. She didn't say like you suck or fuck you. This episode is sponsored by Bluetooth. Guys, remember when you were always ready to go?

Now you can increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed. Bluetooth. Bluetooth.com. That's blue, like the color blue. It brings you the first chewable FDA approved active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. Yeah. It's prescribed online by licensed physicians. You don't got to go to a doctor's office and get embarrassed.

You can do it from your own home. Yeah, basically it's like you can chew it and then point, point, point, point. What's the point, point, point, point? What happens? It's your pee-pee getting hard hard. Oh, okay. Well, it's delicious. It works very well.

It's easy to do. You can take it out of full or empty stomach. I tried it again five days ago. It really fucking works. Bobby just came over, ate three of them and just stood in my living room for an hour and a half. It works very well, guys. If you're looking to get some extra juice downstairs. It ships right to your door in a discreet package.

Yeah, we've got a deal for the listeners. We've used them. It's very fun. Go to Bluetooth.com. Get your first shipment for free when you use the special promo code. Bad Friends. Pay $5 for shipping. Again, that's B-L-U-E-Q.com.

Promo code. Bad Friends. Try it out for free. It's better, cheaper, faster. We like it. Bluetooth.com code. Bad Friends. There it is.

Policy Genius. There's never a bad time to save money, people. But now more than ever, finding smart ways to put some cash back in your pocket can make a big difference. So, Bobo's got a brand new house, and so do I, and comes along with Home Ownership is Home Insurance is Stinks to Shop Around. Policy Genius is the one that's going to help you do that at the easiest possible way. You barely need to lift a finger.

Go to PolicyGenius.com, answer some questions about yourself and your property, and they're going to compare your rates against other ones. It's simple and so easy to do. If Policy Genius finds a better rate than what you're currently paying, they'll do all the work to get you switched out. You don't have to do anything. You just swap it out, and usually people do save money. I used it.

I saved a little bit of money, but Home Insurance is a rip-off here in California. Policy Genius, they'll compare your home and auto policies across different ones. They've saved their customers, on average, $1,100 a year just doing that. If you want to get a little bit of cash back in your pocket, if you're a homeowner, see how much you can save by reshopping your home insurance rates at PolicyGenius.com. Wait, can I give you a story of embarrassment now? How about this? I'll give you one of them.

Okay, go ahead. Not fuck these people, but here's how I felt, like a real moron. Okay, go ahead. Okay? I get a phone call that they're like, they're doing a read-it-funny-or-die, and they need you to read for this movie. It's called House Something, Will Ferrell, and it's the gambling, you know, they had a-

Oh, the gambling movie. The Casino movie in the house. Yeah, with Amy Poehler. Exactly. Yeah. I get amped. They're like, they love you. They don't even need, they're just gonna have this role for you as this, like, dude

that comes in, pretends to be a cop, but he's really just like a fuck-up looking to steal stuff. Uh-huh. I go to funny-or-die. Dude, I'm so good in a room that I'm, when I have confidence that I'm like, I'm gonna be fine. You know what I mean? Like, I never go in shook.

I'm never, like, nervous. I'm always like, I'm gonna be fine. What the fuck? Dude, who cares? I've done a million table reads. I get in there. You did a table read, not an audition. No, no, we were reading for this.

They already were giving me the part. Oh, sir. You're now a table read. Yeah, because they said they didn't have time to cast. They had to shoot the movie. So they were like, we're just gonna give, they're like, we have a role for you, you can have it. You have to read though, and you have to read, they go, you have to read the role, and you

have to read two other roles. Oh my, I hate, don't you hate when they do that? I don't want it. Yeah, I don't know how to do the other one. You show up, you show up, you worked on the lines that you're playing. I know these roles. And then when you show up, you see in the front page, cop, you know what I mean, passenger number one.

Mailman. And yeah, and then you go, I have to read these. And then you have to do a different voice. And first take. You've never done it before. You've never done it before. And then someone, a production assistant comes up to you and goes, we've highlighted a couple of their characters.

Yes! Oh my God. So I'm like this, I'm thumbing through them trying to find where the characters are. Because by the way, if you mess up the rhythm of the room, you look like an asshole, right? So here I am, I'm going, Will Ferrell's right there, Amy's across the table, Kroll is there. Nick Kroll. Yeah, Nick's like the only guy that I like, no, no, in the room. And Nick's like, what's up, man?

I'm like, hey, what's up? So that made me feel comfortable. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I get to. Great guy, by the way. Yeah, love Nick. I get to my line that I know. And I fuck it up, and I fuck it up so bad.

Why? Because, because- You got nervous? Yes. I know you get intimidated. Because Will Ferrell looked over at me when I was going to read my line. Oh, no! Is it to say like, oh, this, I don't know this guy.

Let's see if he's funny. Oh, no! Dude, I ate such a massive, a massive, thick, veiny penis. Did you blush? Not, can you get more red than this? Oh my God, yeah. No, I was so embarrassed. Dude, I literally, let's just say the line, and it was quick, it was there, they got to

be outside behind, they have to be outside because I just climbed through the roof. It was something like that. Like, people were on the run- But now tell me how you said it. They have to outside if there's a roof. Hey, everybody just kept going like it didn't happen because they were like, Jesus fucking Christ. They just kept reading.

Yeah. And nobody looked up. Nobody looked up at me. No one looked up at me to be like, it's okay, it's okay, you fucked up. No, they kept going. I'm getting PTSD. What do you think I did for the other lines? I fucked up!

I fucked up every fucking line. Yeah, yeah. I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating. Every fucking line. And here's the thing. For me, and especially for the other ones. I'm reading it. I can't read.

You're literally reading it. Can't read. I can't fucking read. I'm in there. You get so nervous. So nervous. That the lines become blurred. Let me do this.

On the way out? Yeah. This is the face of it. You're me and I'm Will Ferrell. Yeah. Ready? Yeah. So say, say, everyone, goodbye, everyone says goodbye.

And you're me and you say, and you say, thanks a lot. Just say thanks a lot to me. And you're Will Ferrell. Yeah, go ahead. Hey, thanks a lot. That's what he did. He breathed in and looked away. And by the way, every right.

Will is right. Will was right. He breathed in and looked away as if to say, you should kill yourself. You're not, yeah. You should have killed yourself. It's on the eighth floor. Jump out. Jump out of the window.

Wow. Yeah. You got the part. Blop, blop, blop, blop, blop, blop. Hello. Hey, what's up, man? It's your agent. Hey, it's your agent.

Hey, what's up? Yeah. I think they're going to slice up some stuff and move some stuff around. So we got you some stuff later this week. Some auditions. I was like, oh, they're going to cut it? He's like, yeah, they're going to cut it. They cut the whole roll.

But you know what? I thought for a second, I thought, they're just going to give it to somebody else. I like, I lost, I fucked it up. They did cut the roll. But that being said. But you know why they cut the roll? Because I fucked it up. Because you fucked it up.

Yeah, because I fucked it up. Or like, this part is not well written. Shouldn't be in here. Yeah. And by the way, it wasn't the writing. Because an actor can't even fucking do it. Wasn't the writing. Yeah.

It was every inch of me. It was me. I literally, on the way home, I'm like ready to throw up in my car. And I'm like, oh, they're never going to work with me. Like these people are going to be like, that guy sucks. You know what I mean? And guess what? Never worked with any of those people.

They think I suck. I was like, they think I fucking suck. Because I shit the bed. Was Amy Poehler in the room? Yeah, Amy was there. Oh my. Yeah. Sitting right across from me.

Oh yeah. I've been. She was sitting right across. You're Will Ferrell. That's Amy. Nick is over there. Nick said goodbye. Because Nick is a good dude.

And Nick knows me. And he was like, later man, take it easy. Like he was very nice. But I'm sure he, on the way home, was like, what the fuck was that? When I was all spilling up together. So this is, you know, the actors are on one side, right? Yeah. And for some reason, they had the executives just literally on the other side of a table

like this. Mm-hmm. Right? Like two feet long. Right. Two feet long, right? Bobby? So you sit down like this.

But so, you know, you have like a name card, right? Yeah, they put your name card. So my name card goes Bobby Lee Arthur. Who's do I play? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We remember. Then there was a name card here. Peter Roth, president of Warner Brothers.

Peter Roth was sitting across from me. Yeah. He'd come in. I like this. I could see his fingernails right here, right? Hands like this, right? Peter? And it was, dude, you lock eyes with them.

Bobby, how was your weekend? Like you can't even speak English. And then one time, it all over laughed at me. He came in for a hug and I went like this, right? You blocked it. I wanted to do like a hand thing, this, like right, but he came like this. So I went to the center of his chest to sternum and he goes like that. He made that noise.

And then later we had dinner and Oliver was laughing that I did that. Like making fun of you. I was just trying to, you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's like all those little tiny things. They matter. They matter. Yeah, because we look like idiots.

They matter so much. I know it's so stupid. Why do they matter so much? You don't mean it. I want to be a good guy. I want to do the right thing. You want to be funny? Yeah, yeah.

Can I tell you that, you know who showed up people more than I've ever seen in my life? He's a cool dude. This is not me talking shit, but Bill Bellamy, I did a pilot with Bill Bellamy. So a friend of mine wrote a pilot for Bill about his real life, which is his mom got a divorce and then later in life started dating ex NFL players. So all of his stepdats were like these big jacked ex NFL players. And Bill Bellamy was supposed to play, they get my friend that wrote it. So Bill Bellamy on the first day where I, dude, I sit down at this table and this is

not on me. I'm making him laugh because I'm mocking his two friends. I'm supposed to be, it's supposed to be three black dudes in this white nerd from the neighborhood who's like the dork that they just let to play cards because they feel bad for me. So I was doing this character where they would say something and I'd be like, I hear that bro holler, you know, and Bill was loving it. And dude in between scenes, he literally is like drew drew drew drew and I'm like, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, uh, he said, will you grab me? Are you getting a coffee? Were you getting a coffee? And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go get something. He's like, yeah, yeah. Will you get me one too? And I was like, yeah, for sure. So go get a coffee.

And on the way back, he's like berating them when I'm behind, like behind my back to his mind, but like in a positive me way, like he was like, man, y'all better step the fuck up. Y'all are regulars on this show and this motherfucker is funnier than both of y'all motherfuck. You want to lose your job? You want to lose your motherfucking job? Dude, it was and I, he doesn't know I see him. And he's like, yeah, y'all ain't funny.

That bullshit that you said, but that shit wasn't funny at all. Motherfucking. Why would you say that? He was lighting them up because they're friends. He was his friend. But he doesn't matter. Dude, he was checking him. Yeah.

And he started laughing. He wasn't being like as mean as I'm making it. He was just being like, y'all a garbage, he, he's going to take your row, bro. You are trying to say some dumb shit. Then when I sit back down, he's like, thank you, bro. These two guys fucking hate, I mean, now they're like, they hate you. Fuck this dude. Yeah.

Because I was funny. Like I was, all I was doing was slinging bullshit lines and I was a day player saying never outshine your master. Oh, bro. Well, bro, I didn't, Bill was, Bill was, it's his scene. It's his show. But these two guys, I'm just trying to have fun with them. But that's what, that's why he did that.

I know. Because you outshined him. I know it was bad. So I, so, we tuned it down big time. We tuned it down. Like I just took it back. Yeah. And then they would take heavy shots.

Slink Johnson. Do you know who that is who played? I love Slink. Yeah. He was great guy. He was, he was in that, he was in that scene with us. Yeah. Slink started just shitting on me.

I mean, and it was funny. Yeah. But he was sick of it. He was like, you ain't going to be funnier than me. So Slink was the whole time. And we started, I, we've got a friend. What was this? It was a pilot for CBS.

It was four years ago. Four years ago. I don't even know. Four, five years ago. Yeah. How many pilots have you done? I don't know, six maybe? Seven?

Yeah. I have no idea. Me too. I mean, I did the worst pilot of all time. I did how I met your father. There's been off to how I met your mother. I've talked about that. Oh, I, I did problem child.

Time out. Do you hear what I said though? Yeah. The most successful, one of the most successful sitcoms of all time, how I met your mother. Yeah. I did how I met your father. That would have been great. Oh.

It must have been great. It was so bad. The network don't, don't, they don't let people see it. I had to sign an NDA when I went and watched it at the network that I wouldn't talk about scenes, characters, anything, nothing. It was that bad. Who else was in it? Well, Greta Gerwig, it was, it was going to be the star.

Oh, wow. And she wrote it. She co-wrote it with Emily Spivey, who's a great writer. I've talked, I've told the story. She didn't maybe not say the name. No, no, no. That was public knowledge. Yeah, but they did a good job.

No, they did do a good job. What I'm saying is there was no, it didn't, we didn't work. It didn't work. It's, it's like I, me and Drew Tarver were boyfriends and that was the other thing, man. They wouldn't let us kiss. They didn't want us to kiss. And Drew was like, well, you know, cause we went in to like do a kiss one time. Like he was just going to kiss me on my cheek.

And the network was like, I just think the kissing is a little much, you know, they didn't want us to show affection. So how do I, this is my boy, this is my boyfriend, otherwise it just looks like two guys. Have you ever worked with anybody that was so good that you're like, I think I'm going to quit my whole career. Almost everybody I've worked with. Yeah. So many, so many people.

I did that show. Sean saves the world. Oh, I love. I did that show. I played his boyfriend. We had a kissing scene when you brought that up. Yeah. You thought about it.

Sean, what's his name? Sean. He's on Will and Grace. Hayes. Sean Hayes. Yeah. Do you know, I didn't know much about him. I used to live in his apartment.

Really? That was the first thing the landlord said. And when I watched him do it like rehearsal, yeah, I literally went, oh, I'm in the wrong business. Yeah. He was so good. So you're a pro and I'm a hoe. Yeah.

Because what people don't realize is that, you know, I signed up with a bunch of homeless people to be honest and crazy street people to do amateur night at comedy clubs. Yeah, same. That's us. And you first start off, you're with a guy, like a guy in a green suit. Yeah. Right? Like, was that guy that Robert William Appravaya?

You know him? So a homeless man, crazy person. Who's going to the same audition you are. Right. Right. And then you're like, or some like other homeless person and then you're like, for years, that's your school. Right.

Yeah. Right. You're performing with mentally disabled people and people with problems. Yes. And then all of a sudden one day you get an opening job, you know, me for somebody or you start featuring and you go, oh, it's a little better. But that's pretty much your training and then you end up like with, then you're on a show with a professional watching people with that can sing and dance and tap dance.

And you're like, I could fart into a mic, would it not make the mic smelly? Well, that's my talent or whatever, you know, you don't have. So Sean was so. Oh my God. He's so good. Yeah. He's like shocking to watch. Yeah.

It memorizes line string rehearsals. He knows it. I'm going to mispronounce his name. So I don't want to say it. But oba, oba. That's it. Fuck. You got to know.

Oba, oba. Oh. No, but the best actor I think I've ever worked with was on I'm dying up here. And I don't, I don't want to say it mispronounced his last name. So I don't want to sound like an idiot. Oba. Boba. Tunde.

Boba. Tunde. Do you know him? Oba. Boba. Tunde. Dude, this guy is. Let me look.

Let me look. Oba. Boba. Tunde. Oh yeah. That guy's I've seen him before. He's great. I mean, his face is like, don't.

He's like a slick club owner that there were times when we were done with the scene, his name was Barton Royce or whatever on the show that I thought it was up club owner Barton Royce. I like in my mind, I was like, oh, that's Barton Royce because he would walk up and he would still kind of be in his vibe. Yeah. And he'd be getting coffee. He's like, what's going on, kid?

Really? I feel like I was in a fucking a leg move with that. Yeah. He was one of those guys where you watch him and you go, oh, he's just, he just is better than everybody than everybody. And he knows it. There's no way they don't know it. Those guys in fucking know.

I love those evergreen, those evergreen working actors that have been around since the seventies. Yes. Sometimes you're on a set, right? Yeah. With guys you grew up, you know, watching you just like, Rick Overton was on our show and Rick is phenomenal. I love Overton. Yeah.

He's a fucking legend. The guys like that where you're like, oh, you've been good your whole life. Yeah. And you just kind of go, what am I doing here? What am I doing here? Why did you guys say yes to me? Yeah. It's crazy.

But people that are good their whole life, let's talk about the DL thing. DL Hewley collapsed on stage. A great, by the way, a great comic who I've always thought was kind of in a class of his own. Like when Pablo, when Pablo passed out on stage. That was from drugs. I understand that, but he fell because of drugs. I understand that.

But they did both fall. Yeah. But DL was sick. It doesn't matter. They both fell. Okay. Same story. I'm just saying when you see a fall.

Yeah. Because they always happen in clubs that I play. That's funny. That's so true. Right. So you, you know exactly what that room is. Yeah. Right.

So where was Pablo's fall? Sac, Sacramento punch line. Oh yeah. Sac. That's right. So I played Sac thousands of times. Right. Yeah.

Oh my God. I remember that little. I know that table. That table where he almost cracked his skull in. Where did, where did DL fall? Xenia. Xenia. That's right.

Yeah. And I played that room as well. So he's on stage and he's sitting down. Is that what it was? Yeah. I think he's sitting there. Okay. So already in your head.

Cause I've never seen DL sit before. That could have been a clue because you see how fast his manager and his people gotten to save him. Well, I mean. Yeah. Because they knew that he was sitting there. So he must have been like, amen tired. I don't feel good.

I don't feel good. I've had that before. I don't feel good in the middle of stage. So he's sitting there. And so people were like kind of attentive and try to find it. Go ahead. And he falls over and you hear the gasp. Yeah.

And you probably have some, you know what I mean, audience members going, do I get my money back? Yeah. You saw a couple of those. Yeah. Well, that's the first thing they want to think of. Yeah. Yeah.

Do I get my money back? Hey, is there any way that I could get paid for that? Pay to get paid in return for this? Cause I didn't want to see him fall. Yeah. Yeah. The opening act was very funny though. Yeah.

Have you ever passed out on stage? No. Never. No. Hold on one second. I've been choked out on stage. Golf Critique. I'm a big golfer.

Bobo knows. I've taken him to a driving range and man, can he bomb it down to fairway? Golf Critique is quickly becoming the best search engine in golf. If you do play golf like me, I love it. Go on there. It's the best way to see user operated friendly ratings of golf courses and instructors things in your area. You become a member right now to have a shot at winning $25,000 cash in golf with Holly

Saunders and Brian Earl Rocker. It's Brian Earl Rocker. The ex Chicago Bear could play golf with you. If you go sign up, you get $25,000 cash. That's going to be announced soon. Go to golfcritique.com to sign up. Put in our referral code 26793. That's 26793.

Click the link below. Once a member write a review by August 8th and you can win $25,000. Wow. Eight finalists are going to go play golf with them in North Carolina. Do you want to go down there and play golf, Bob? No. Come on, Bob. Well, you can go.

One of eight people can go. Go to golfcritique.com. Get your ass signed up. Use the promo code BADFRIENDS to check out. Receive 15% off of the premium membership at $4 a month. It's pretty good. You can win 25 Gs. Golfcritique.com.

Use promo code BADFRIENDS. Wow, wow. That video is so creepy. It's so ominous. Yeah. Right? To watch him? Look at him.

His buddy is waiting for him because he can tell he's wobbly. Oh, my God. It'd be funny if he regains consciousness, stands back up and goes, Bitch! Bitch, got it! I guess that was a joke. I got ya. I almost passed out.

I almost passed out on stage when I first auditioned for Last Comic Standing. Oh, really? Yeah, my feet tingled. Why'd you audition for that? It was obviously, I was brand new. It was my second year doing comedy. I drove to San Francisco with my friend, with my buddy, and we drove and we waited out.

You know, can I tell you something? Yeah, yeah. That was one of those moments in comedy where like, you're like, fuck man, it sucked, but I'll never forget those moments. We slept outside together. We told stories all night. Everyone was coming up and down. People we never met before were like, would you guys come from?

Would you come from? To audition? Oh, my God. It was kind of, it was like one of those things. I mean. And were you, and also I remember those early things, you know, for me, I would get really worked out for them. Oh, my fucking God.

It was so nerve-wracking. All night long, thinking about what I was going to say. Yeah, yeah. So what happened? Did you get it? Yeah, I got it. I won the show. I'm dad fan.

I'm dad fan. Oh, it was the first season? I'm dad fan. I did a show called Friday Night Videos, and I was in San Diego, I was an open-micro, and I got it because my manager hooked it up for me. I used to have this really, this older black guy named Worthy Patterson. What a name. It's so worthy.

I see him in my head right now. Yeah. Big heavy, a big heavy sack guy? No, skinny. Okay, let me take it back. I got it. Skinny guy. Yeah, yeah.

Hats? And it's so funny because I remember Worthy. The reason why I left Worthy, they used to call him Worthless. Worthless Patterson. Yeah, yeah. They used to call him Worthless Patterson. Because he got no gigs for it? He's a great manager, and he really, he, you know, I was such a, so green.

Sure. That I just, I blessed the guy. I love him. Yeah, because they, those guys, it took a shot on you before you were. He's a great guy. I still run into him today. Oh, really? And he works for a big management company.

He has a bunch of clients. He's great. I thought for sure you were going to be like, no, he's at the Panda Express on Sunset. No, he's a great guy. He's a scoops, big scoops. So but Worthy to got me this gig, right? So I drove from San Diego early because I had to be there at like two. I left San Diego at four in the morning and I drove to Burbank and I sat in my, I had

this chunky fucking truck and I remember there was a little park in Burbank there, but right by where the tonight show was. Oh yeah. There's still there. There's a couple little parks. Yeah. And I just pacing my act. All night long.

Yeah. Till like four in the, six in the morning till two. Damn. I had no food, money or anything. No, of course not. Starving. Yeah. And just doing my act and the smoking, doing my act, you know, the ninja, the ninja, the

ninja crossed the road and, you know what I mean? And all these bits, you know what I mean? Like masturbate alone. You know what I mean? These bits. You know what I mean? Grab your own ass when you masturbate. That's why I'm lonely.

You know what I mean? These bits I used to do. Yeah. You still do. You still do those. I've heard all those. Just a couple of years ago. I just, I've heard all those.

Stop it. Anyway. I show up. No, you said your dad. What about your dad? My dad, you know, you're not funny, Bobby. All those bits. You know what I mean?

Knock, knock, knock. Who's there? You're not funny. All that stuff, right? Right. And I, and I remember. I still love those. I don't do that.

Fucking joke anymore. I still love that joke. Fuck face. I'm just saying I love it. So then I'm, I remember backstage and just ready to go and then going and then hitting the stage. And I'd only did, did comedy 60 times. Oh, you were so new.

Yeah. 60 or 70. Your first year into the gig. Yeah. And I remember the lights coming on and there's an audience and just nothing came out. Nothing. Just nothing. A ninja dad.

And then I pulled my stomach out and I started doing this weird stomach thing because, you know, your survival. Yeah. You just kick in. Yeah. I would go like grab my penis and go like that. Yes. And then like make noises.

What the fuck? Yeah. Just like anything because my jokes were working and do like birthday right and do whatever. And then afterwards worthy. Yeah. Yeah. Man. They're not going to pay you.

What? They're not going to get paid. No. What was it? What was that? NBC? NBC. So then, um, let's go get that money.

But then what's funny is then I go to worthy like five months later and no money. And I go, hey, can I, can I get a commercial agent? And he goes, yeah, man, you're never going to work. They're not going to. You watch television. You just don't see no Asian guys on television. Is that what he said? Yeah.

Yeah. You don't see Asian guys on the airport. You're local. Zulu. Right. Zulu. Back then. No.

Yeah. Zulu. So then I fired him and I went, you know, with Abby, my manager now. Yeah. Yeah. And then she got me an agent and I booked 20 national commercials in one year. Wow. That's insane.

I did. I'll pull your logo. I did do one of them. One of them. This is how this is how fucking this is how hungry I was. I would call my agent and go, whatever, even if they, even if it's the polar opposite of me, send me in. So one of them, he goes six foot eight black guy.

Yeah. Yes. No. One of them was, so they're looking for a Brad Pitt looking guy, you lock cabin, you're chopping wood. You. You're cutting a turtleneck. It's for Maxwell house.

How could that not be you? You're right. Right. So I go, send me in. So I show up and it's all these guys that look like Brad Pitt in turtlenecks. Real good looking dudes. I'm not. I'm wearing this.

Yeah. And you're at your belly showing my belly showing. I'm wearing this, right? Because I knew that in those kind of commercial auditions, there's no line. You're right. You're just drinking coffee on a porch and you go chopping wood and just doing that, right? So in those commercials, you know, what do they do is they ask you how your day was. They just want to talk to you right?

Right. So they turn the camera on. They go, slate your name. You go, I'm Bobby. Profiles. You do the profiles. So what were you in a whole Halloween as soon as they asked me, you just go into this bit.

Yeah, you have to. You make, you just make them laugh, right? And then next year. No. You get a call. All right. So it's that down to you and four other Brad Pits because they love you. So then you call, get called in with everyone in the room, right?

And then ask me a question. They ask you a different question. I don't give a fuck. I got it. Right. Make them to laugh. Right. Make a funny dance, right?

And the next year, you know, you're on a porch. You get it. You're on a porch with a turtleneck. I did a muscle walk. Drinking the coffee, chopping wood, never chopped wood before. And they just want it to be funny. I know they just, they go, you know, they go, what can it be a fat Asian guy? Hey, why not?

That Asian guy's like coffee, wood. They like wooden coffee. And I would get a lot of those when I went, you know, just send me in where all the white dudes are being sent. Yeah. Don't give me the chinchangi ones. Yeah. Those are for me.

Yeah. Those I liked. Yeah. Anyway. I don't know if that's interesting, but probably not. Yes, it is. It's not. Yes, it is.

What are you looking at? All your text. Eric Griffiths keeps texting me. What is he? What did he say? He always says, oh boy. Low bar. Something, something.

He's too much. I love him. No. We do. Well, we like him. I don't know if we love him, but we like him. Call me back. Okay.

You know, you know, I know you don't, you know, I know you don't like talking about Karen's. I don't. It's just, we've talked a lot about Karen's. I know, but every week there's a new Karen and they're, they're more evolved. They're more evolved than they have different fucking. They're changing shape. Yeah. What's the new Karen?

This is the new, I call her the sorcerer San Francisco Karen. San Francisco. She's like a sorcerer. What's her name? You know her name. Just put San Francisco Karen. It'll come up. You know what's so funny about this lady?

Yeah. When I saw this video for the first time, Lisa Alexander apologizes for Karen-like confrontation. Yeah. When I saw this woman. I just need to talk about it for a second. When I saw this woman, I literally said out loud, San Francisco, I said it right away. I could feel it. You could feel San Francisco.

Yeah. It's got that San Francisco vibe. Yeah. So talk about, or this is it right here. Are you sure that's it? Yeah. This is him. A white couple call the police on me.

A person of color for. Back to us. So this older Filipino man who owns the property of his, you know, his house, he owns his house. He owns the property of his house. Is this your property? Here she, that she says, is this your property? Look at that. There's a sorcerer.

That should be the. There's a Salem witch. Right there. San Francisco treat. That should be the fucking commercial. Let's play the clip and let's talk about it. Is this your property? Hi.

I'm asking you if this is your property. Why are you asking? Because it's private property. So are you defacing private property or is this your building? They're going to smile. Oh my God. No, you. We don't have people's property.

Okay. Absolutely. Just respectfully. Sure. So we're just saying absolutely your signs and everything and that's good. This is not, this is not the way to do it. Okay. It's private property.

But if I did live here in a one-way property, this would be absolutely fine. Now. Let's get her in frame here a little bit more. Okay. Let me tell you something. Let me just pause right here. Pause right here. Now, if this is happening to me.

Outside of your place right now? Yeah. If I'm this guy, this is what I'm feeling. Thank you God. All right. Yeah. Give me yes. Yes.

This is, this is what I want in life. Yeah. This is turning you on. This is, I would be so turned on because I would play it exactly the way he's playing. Right. Where he didn't, he never said it was his property even though it was. He kept going. What does it matter?

No, you have to fucking throw off your fishing. You're fishing. Yeah. Yeah. You can tell. Here we go. He keeps fishing now. This guy's a brilliant man.

This would be absolutely fine. And you don't know if I live here or if this is my property. Perfect plan. Oh really? Because you live here right? You said so. Because we know the person who does live here. Oh, we know the person who lives here.

Line number one. And now as, if that was me, it would, a thing would turn in my head like a little noise. Right? Yeah. And it would make me more excited because he knows now, you know what I mean? Well, this is his chance to go. What are their names? Yes.

I thought he was going to be like, who does live here? Yes. Because I thought, I think I know them. Do we know the same people? Yeah. Yeah. And he should just said his name, right? Yeah.

If he just was like, oh, is it Marcus? Is it Marcus and Jan? Do they live here? That's fucking me. Okay. Then I suggest you call him or call the police because you're accusing me of a crime, correct? So she realizes here, fuck, I'm fucked up. Well, she does call him.

I know. But she, you can feel her right now in her, in her voice go, I'm, I'm asking, I'm asking. She knows. Here's what drives me crazy. Yeah. You love parents. Assumption. Yeah.

Is the assumption that this guy doesn't own the fucking place. Right. Right. Because to me, if I see a guy painting on a wall or whatever, my assumption is a, if it's not my fucking wall, it's none of my fucking business. Yeah. In fact, if I ever see anybody painting anything on something, I don't care. I don't care.

I don't care. I don't give a fuck. Even when like, show those dude, you know what I mean? What are you going to go ask them what they're doing? Yeah. What are you spying us up to? I know. Are you nuts?

Yeah. Mind your own fucking, keep moving. The worst thing that can happen is if someone is fucking, like, let's say someone's just graffitiing on a building and you go, Hey, don't do that. Now they're going to beat the shit out of you. Mind your own business. Survive. Survive.

I'm not answering you. Okay. That's fair. Yeah. That's fair. So you, your choices are to call the cops. I love it. If you believe I'm calling a crime and I will more than be happy to talk to them.

Okay. Thank you. What's your name again? I'm Lisa. Lisa, what's your last name? I asked her, Lisa. What's your name, sir? Robbie.

What's your last name, sir? I'm nervous. I'm sorry. He's backing up a little bit. He goes like this. He goes, Yeah. Robbie. Robbie.

Robbie. And now he's like, What's your, what's your name? Robbie. Let's hear what I think his name. I think he said Robbie. It's just the way he backs up is great. Yeah. What's your name, sir?

Robbie. What's your last name, sir? What is your first name, sir? I'm not answering. I'm not talking to you. You're talking to me. I'm asking you the questions. That's another right, the right move.

I'm asking them the question. Yeah. That's what you're saying. He's doing that. He's doing the right move. He's going, I'm asking you. Because basically I'm just going to translate to you people. All right.

Basically he's saying is that. You people. To you. Okay. Basically what he's saying is, is that like, I am just doing what I'm doing. Yeah. Right. I don't know you.

Yeah. Why are you leaving? Why are you bothering me? You're in my shit. Yeah. Right. So I don't have to do shit. Right.

That's basically the translation. Yeah. It should be, it should be known. This is sidewalk chalk. And there are people right online because I've been obsessed with this. Yeah. I have read a guy goes, well, why don't you just say your name and just say you own the property and, and let it go.

That's people's fucking thing. I know. No. Because he doesn't want to, he didn't do anything. Time out. Well, you're, no, because he doesn't have to. Why are you bothering me? You're, you're, they're coming to him.

He's not doing anything. Imagine if I'm on my front lawn. Oh my God. And I'm just trimming something. And the guy goes, is that your lawn? Do you live on that lawn? Is this your house? It's the assumption.

They're assuming he doesn't live there. It's the assumption. It's very obvious. It's very obvious. When people say, why wouldn't you just say your name? Because why are you bothering me? Okay. Now go keep going.

This is what freaks me out of the video. Oh, okay. Well, then call the cops. Lisa and Robert. I'll be right here. Okay. Thank you. Bye.

What's that? What happened to the wire? Her finger on her. The finger on her. When did she do that? She's touching her chest. No, she doesn't think what she does this. I didn't know.

I didn't see it. We played the whole clip. Yeah. I think you've passed through it. No. You keep playing. Is your property, hi, I'm asking you if this is your property. Why you asking?

Because it's private property. I think when you zoomed in all this, we could keep it. Are you defacing private property or is this your building? You're free to express your feelings. No, you, we do. We don't have people's property. Okay. Absolutely.

It cuts away. Why I don't know hold on Okay If I did live here and it was my property, this would be absolutely fine and you don't know I live here I imagine can this be my background for my computer I imagine right for somebody I imagine having sex with her And she just goes and when you're coming Oh my god, if that happened when you're having sex with somebody like that It would it would be burned into your fucking psyche forever while you're having such you this is private property

This is fucking sorcery right there You know, this is what's funny about San Francisco and also I'm gonna talk a little shit about San Francisco I like that city. I like performing there. Okay, but I gotta tell you every time I go I go up the visit arrow Or whatever that's called Elephant Heights or whatever the fuck. Yeah, you look at the amount of fucking wealth there It's sickening. It's in you're like these fucking rich fucks could save the world San Francisco is this like liberal Island where they're like we were the most progressive. Yeah, meanwhile, there's a house worth 50 million fucking dollars You're too young to know what I'm talking about here. Okay Don't do that. I know who Kat Stevens is dad

You're too young to experience this. I hate when people say that but go ahead. Okay. Yeah, go ahead Is is that I've been playing the San Francisco punchline since the late 90s. Yeah, I know I wasn't born yet Go ahead and the difference between The audiences now and then night and day in what way in this when you played San Francisco You would couldn't sleep because you couldn't wait Because the audiences were so wild Right you would see a lot of

Different colors a lot of different kinds of people different kinds of people Nick's hippies, but not only just beatniks but also just like every type of person but what it was is There enjoying it and you could say whatever you want and they would stand up and it would be you would crush Harder than in any other room. Can I tell you and now? It's like doing a fucking EA convention. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna completely combat what you just said. No way I just play I just played last year. I just played up there at Cobbs. I Literally said to my agent. I cannot believe how free it was in my mind

I thought fuck San Francisco has always kind of been this tight place the last couple of years The Pacific Northwest has this thing. No, dude, San Francisco was fucking Incredible now granted. I'm sure a lot of those people didn't live on the island. They weren't a bunch I'm sure they cobs. I play I play both of them, but Molly wouldn't let me play punch because Because of what happened because of the fucking You know the lease and they couldn't all right contracts had to change for everybody So she was like, do you want to sell more tickets or not? I said, I don't want to play cops I don't want that big room. I like the small punch and she goes

Do you want to sell tickets or not? And I said, okay So I went over there and I sold out four shows at Cobb so it it was well worth it And I got to tell you every fucking audience not one. Oh, none of that. Oh, maybe I should play cops It was fucking awesome. It was fucking off. I used to think that I was nervous about the Northwest being like Oh, what if they they don't like that? I do a question about now because the last time I played cobs, you know Ask Al magical. I had a nervous breakdown and I collapsed into the kitchen And I took my shirt off and I started crying like a little baby

And Natasha leisure had to pick me up because you were just eating it. No, I did a corporate event at cobs Oh, we're Facebook. Well, dude, and I was last it was in Edwards was there, too And I bombed so badly that I took my shirt off. I went to the kitchen of cobs I went into a thing and then also just so that's the first the second time at cobs before that Yeah, is where Ken Jeong physically assaulted me He punched me try to punch me in the face and the steeper had to Separate us when you guys were on tour together. That's a long story But he separated us and I had to get back on a plane and go home

Damn, so I had two bad things happen at cobs. This is why you got to wipe that away from your brain It's still there. It's gone. Hey, look at me. I need a science. Say on gone. Okay mum. Bye. So It's gone don't you don't think about that it's change that stuff has changed a lot trust me. I know what you're saying So two things yeah, Bobby came over last night Oh my god, and we ate dinner together and we had we had steaks and Bobby ordered. I'm gonna give Bob's order There was only three of us, right? Bobby ordered prime rib

to corn on the cobs artichoke Steamed spinach. I'm sorry cream spinach the garlic bread the big order a couple clam chowder right We had We had and you and you ladies and wife had fillets and onion rings. That's it and and and green beans and salads and

And that's it. No, there's one more thing you ordered that I'm missing that you ate the fucking is you ate the green Be green beans and the steak. Oh, that was mine. That was yours. That's right That was mine. Yeah, yeah Bobby ordered and to die coax to die coax Yeah, Bobby ordered everything on the menu everything on them on one side of the menu and when we were calling the guy kept going like this Okay, and then I add it. He goes. Okay. Oh and barbecue baked beans. Yeah, and you had barbecue baked beans. That's right. That's right And then he started okay, okay, and then it started going how many utensils would you like 36? Yeah He couldn't fucking believe I said just three people. Yeah, the guy goes three people because I haven't ordered at a restaurant in a very long time You ordered so much food. It was insane. Eat most of it. You ate a lot of it. Yeah, you had a lot of it

I know I did the only one the one thing that you do that most people can get over that I can't with eating you slurp you slurp the beans you slurp It was hard to watch. I love you, but you were Big beats And when you dip that steak in the horseradish sauce my my my my my too much a sauce Yeah, you were like It was I was astounded at your etiquette

Yeah, because I eat like a fucking you guys sit there like fucking like grown-ups. No like it's a you know like pilgrims like fucking Little house in the prairie Pilgrim, what does that even mean upright upright white people upright, right? You pick up your tensils, right? You lock each other in the eyes, right? And you just you know me in like stepford step stepford wise the whole time we ate we go like this We go is this your private property? Yeah, do you live here and doing this move? Do you live here? I eat like a fucking immigrant you You know, I want to eat what I eat you eat if I imagined the original humans ate

That's fine, but they hunted all day. That's right, and they exercised all day, and they and they finally got food That's right, and then they had to wait to cook it and then when they were done. They wouldn't wait They would just ravage it. Yeah, we ordered out Picked it up. You didn't even have to go get it. I had to wait And I fucking I had to fucking fucking wait and sit in your uncomfortable living room I'm not comfortable couch and just do small talk. What's uncomfortable about? Oh, what's uncomfortable gray walls? What's uncomfortable about it? It's you your house looks like a fucking Anthropology store

Okay, just cocks and fucking tander Lee and just light and light an area nice It's like a fucking bullshit and I have to sit down a booger cave You live in a booger cave. Oh with skin shrapnel all over politics I don't go fuck Don't go fuck about look at my backyard. We go in backyard. I'm like this is fucking. What is this? How nice is the backyard beautiful? Yeah, what do you mean you know me and I have to pretend And then what do you like to eat? Come on white. Let's fucking do it. Let's eat now now This is you just being racist. I'm not being racist, so I don't wait you just don't like no

I don't you just don't like what don't yell dude you act silly you don't like white No, I'm just saying I don't I had to wait and pretend like you care that I cared about it Wish you had a video game controller And I had to sit there and eat there and and then be and now I'm not gonna do ever do it again Because now you're making fun of the way I eat. No, I wasn't making fun of them You're the slurping and the slurping two things. Yeah one when you left you literally said hey I really enjoyed this and I do want to do it again. Didn't you and then you got in your car I got a cigarette

And you and you and then I called you and we had a conversation and you really did enjoy it and I said you know what I've never done it before so yeah, it was different. It was different and I asked why can't Rudy Rudy come But you didn't want her was she on is she in trouble Rudy doesn't like you Look at that face. That's that calls out bullshit. He doesn't like you that you not like me that much Would you not come over and I would have a good dinner for you. You don't want to come over, huh? She's paranoid because like even on the way over here. I joke. Can I get some coffee? I'll tell you an uncle auntie Calila that you do it I'll tell auntie Calila. We have Jeep. We have GPS on the in the car. We'll know she'll know

It's like she's a fucking and you know all these people in the inner echo You got to be nicer to Rudy. She has to be nicer to me You you do you do take a lot of abuse from Rudy. I will say from her. Yeah in Calila all the fucking time I'm tired of you guys boss him around. I'm not a fucking bullshit Thing she did here we go So I go to gold belly and I you know, I haven't told you how mad I am about what's gold belly Gold belly is an app online and you can order food from all over the country Well, now I want to see a gold belly. It's an app online and you can get you know delicious

They have like recommended things so I get my luma knowledge from there I get pizza's from there love I get barbecue, but I also get this um I Get big I get chicken pot pies and beef pies. I love love chicken. All right. What's it called? So we can rep I'll show you I have to go in my gold belly real quick. Are you are you a pot pie person? She doesn't like it you know how pot pies you eat pot pies and it's so hot that even when you're done It's still hot. So here's gold belly right here and I'm gonna show you some of my Transactions here. So this is it you can go over here and get bagel by the way. This isn't a sponsor of ours We're just telling you I like it. Yeah, so my account, right? Mm-hmm, and I go to

my orders, okay What do you order from gold? I also I've gotten Luma Nadi's four of those I love Carol Bob kitty party family meal. It's curries like Indian food Kedi boy Kedi. Bye. What I pie pizza I get deep peach pizzas there, but this is what I get pan berries double crust hand pies Wait a minute you you get you get pizzas from Luma Nadi's and from pie guy again from six different companies Jesus so I get this thing called pan berries double-crust hand pies Okay, so they come frozen Look at listen to me when I'm talking to you. I am listening to you. Okay. I'm just looking at this belly thing

So they're in they come in a box. This is gold belly and I get 12 pies. They're about this big Okay, listen to me. I am and so um, they come to the door and Kallala has a thing where I can't touch anything that comes to the door Rudy has to clean it all and disinfect everything. Right. I know You made her disinfect the red. She lives my she leaves my pies out there For two days Melt Right

So then she doesn't tell me. Yeah, and she freezes them that way I'm so now like now the pies come in a plastic wrapping right when they melt all the filling inside pours out pours out So the plastics filled now frozen with the filling that's inside the fucking pie, right? Yeah, she just puts in the freezer and she doesn't tell me wait. What are you talking about? Hey shit? Hey shit. I wake up one day. Hey shit. I want pie today. Hey shit. I want a pie today Right, I go to the pie and I pick them up and the fucking the pie the crust is still there But there's holes in the bottom where all the filling it spilled out into the thing. Mm-hmm. So now I'm just getting crust Yeah

Right all 12 of them are that way and I've been eating it that way, but all the shit fucking it was down Did you apologize? I? Only made the mistake once and because you didn't tell me that the package arrived Because I never go down and I don't know when it arrived. She didn't know and The fillings didn't go out only the oil went out. Oh, hey, hey Hey, you can relax Sit down Rudy Rudy No, no, no Rudy. It was just the oil. All right. All right. So was he exaggerating? No, stop. Stop rude Bob. I love you stop

Rock rude Bob. Let me tell you this Andrew. All right When I'm order, okay, so I'll show you my orders, okay? I want to see I want to show you my orders, okay? So this okay, so I get let's go to it I fall I fall deeply in love with you when you get into these things So I okay the way I look at you when you're like a little a little you're like a little too excited right now Okay, so I got and so I know braised braised pork pies. Yes, two country chicken pies. Okay, two breakfast chicken southern chicken pies. Mm-hmm. Oh look, I didn't get oil pies

Since I didn't get oil pies how the fuck is there not oil is on that menu oil is there no Fucking thing. It's the filling not the oil. It's not the filling because if it won't be the filling There will be like me. No, here's a wait timeout. Let me investigate. Is there meat spilling outside from outside of it? No, here. Oh, so it isn't it's something else. All right. Oh, when you open up a pie a panberry pie. It's delicious It's my eyes. I see it. Go ahead. Oh, imagine this. I am I imagine this Imagine the filling inside the pie is a stew. Oh, I love it. All right When I ask you what a stew is what does that consist of? Chunks of meat and potatoes and carrots

But what's the most important thing in a stew the gravy the juice juice the juice, right? Yeah, the most important thing is the juice juice right the juice juice juice is gone The juice is gone. The juice is gone. The juice is gone. The juice has now filled the bag plastic So when you open up, it's frozen. So I have to put just beef Mm-hmm, right and potato chunks With no juice. Can you just crack them and put them back in the pie and cook that you can't you can't it's like a frozen Ice block you can't crack them off You could you can crack it and put it on top of the shell of the pie why is that have it melted over that sounds good, too

That doesn't sound good. That's some good because I don't want a moist ball. I Don't want a moist ball above the most balls. So you never apologized for that and I'm being nice to Rudy I Never yelled at her about it. Yeah, that is what she did. Did you not do that though? Okay, say I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. She's so fucking nice. She's a nice girl. That's why I didn't yell at her until now No, I've been eating these fucking Balls of dough. Yeah, you know, I mean, yeah, they're delicious, but that's not what I want That's not what you initially intended. Hi daddy wants a pie. Yeah daddy wants a pie. Well, how about this?

Yeah, but it's a great company if you ever go to Goldbelly You got to get these panberry panberry pies and I love the mushroom chicken. Why are you? Let me ask you this Why are you guys leaving it outside for so long? That's a disinfectant. Is it what that is? Yeah, you're not supposed to leave it out there for Days, why don't you guys just spray it inside take it right take inside and spray with alcohol because she just you know We live in a you know Listen to us people have different points of view on this about the Pandy. Oh, right? And you know, we are taking it real safe

Sure, and we and you know people go are you scared? Yeah, I'm scared. Why wouldn't you be I'm a smoker. I'm scared You're are you seriously? We had this conversation when Sebastian said to me once, you know when the pandemic started goes you've nothing to worry about You're gonna be fine and I go Sebastian. You have nothing to worry about because you're athletic I don't that doesn't make a difference anymore. Oh, you have a great body That doesn't a great Italian body. I know trust me, but for me You know, I don't think the smoking thing is gonna be the detriment for you. What is it? I? Don't know who you just said it as if there was a detriment. I just think I think it that health has a lot to do with it Yeah, beyond the smoking. I'm talking about just diet. Oh, yeah, what did I do today when I woke up?

yoga Yeah, did you 30 or an hour? 45 oh you did 45 we were supposed to do 75 how intense though was it straight with a lot of stretching Why did you add that part cuz she knows cuz she knows what I'm asking she knows exactly what I'm asking was it hard Yeah, it was kind of hard. Did you sweat? Yeah, did you why are you looking at her? Did you sweat? I know she sweat because she probably puts in the effort How about this because you were supposed to do Wednesday with us? I know I bailed and you bailed I bailed you bail First of all, I have you bailed on a lot of things. I had a sever in my leg. Did you ever play war zone with me?

No, did you ever go to the Korean spa with me? Well, we can't go yoga. We can't do anything. I back up everything I say did I come over to your uncomfortable house I did did I eat dinner we had a good time. Yeah, shut the fuck up. You're being such an exaggerated. I know I bailed on yoga for one reason and I can tell you this right now. I am going to I am going to a I'm going to podiatrist next week. I think I got to get surgery on my fucking leg now No, you're doing well. You'll go with us Wednesday. No, I'm serious. I've let this go for too long. This is bad Look at how gross that looks you see how red and both swollen it is Yeah, I let it go for too long and I thought I was like, oh, it'll just heal itself

Yeah, so I wake up Wednesday morning and I go fuck And I'm thinking no man, I'll just go walk around the neighborhood I'll take the dog for a walk and I go inside my ankle is swollen your dog though. Yeah I You know your dog reminds me of my brother's dog Really? Yeah, just you can tell I don't know why you got lucky But you could tell he's a good guy the it's a girl so

It's a girl whatever we did put a penis on it, but it is a girl It is the most loving it sat next to me. She went right up to you You know what's so funny is when someone says that you got lucky. I believe that to be true I used to think I was like no dogs take after the way you treat him and no no No, you know I have I have good friends that have dogs that are just fucking assholes that tear shit up that poop on everything She doesn't do any of that stuff. We have one of those you have an asshole. Oh, I have a fucking I have an update on fucking What happened? Oh, this is a great one. This is great. So Did I tell you we ordered a spa for it? Yeah, so that you know spa. Yeah, then she ordered a

Full-blown tree thing that came to that you guys are gonna spend 50 grand on a bird. All right, are I gonna just show you what my fucking patio looks like It's it's it's disgusting I'll show you what the paddy. Have you guys sprayed it down at all or cleaned it off? You can't really see it, but like let me see oh Bro get a hose right so this is essentially, you know these branches, right? There's the spa that they ordered. Oh my god. There's so much poop. There's so much. I know Why don't you guys can you know so what happened this morning is?

Put some of those meat pies outside and he's gone Today. Yeah, he's gone. Right. So then what happened was he flew But couldn't fully make it so he ended up on somebody else's lawn, right? And you know It's like going I'm leaving the four seasons. I'm going to a motel six, right? He went from tip-top to bottom. Yeah to bottom and now he's on somebody else's lawn none of our business Kalyla probably cares None of our business. Mm-hmm. Do you miss Leonard? Um, you know what? No, you don't we talked about in the car wings

They're still broke. No, no, no, no his wings are broken still I said it asked her in the car and you have to be honest with me. I go do you love Leonard? She goes yeah and I go Which if Leonard died would you cry? She goes no And I go then I go have you ever cried in a movie? She goes yeah What movie? No, it's just a love story. I love what which one a walk to remember. Oh, yeah

I want a movie and I go what scene when she dies, right? I go you love that scene more than you love Leonard Oh boy. I said, I don't know if I would cry you wouldn't cry I would cry. No, you just told me in the car that you wouldn't cry. I thought I don't know she would cry It'd be it. She wouldn't be heavy, but if she would cry If the dog if one of your animals died would you cry? Yeah, because I love them, but how for how long I Would it would devastate me for how long I would get one of them cloned Do you know that really can you do that? Oh, yeah, you can get your animal clone now. Oh, yeah I was a how it was a Meryl Streep did it. How expensive is that? 50,000

You would do that fuck. Yeah, Gobi. Yeah, wait. Can I do that? How old are that? How do you do that? You got to get their fingernails or something you send it to Korea right before they die You got to get their DNA send it away send it away. How long does it take and they clone a couple of months? Wow, this is a great idea Then you really never lose your family dog Meryl Streep or one of those actresses did it. She heard dog Brooke Shields No, she was the inventor of it. The Brooke Shields clone your dog. I Can't believe that you it has a clone. You're gonna clone Gobi. I

Would go clone don't go be but then you think right isn't that creepy clone a dog. They can clone humans You don't think they've I think they've done it already. Yeah, but then but then if we can clone humans I've always asked this question. Let me ask you this question. Oh boy. Do you believe in God? I believe in a being. Yes. Okay. I don't know what it is, but I know it's there So if we can clone a human mm-hmm. Are we creating live or is God still creating life? Hmm Okay, well, that's complex. I don't I believe in a thing. I don't believe a man in a man in the sky I don't believe in that. I believe in a universal power and energy. That's massive that will never be able to wrap our brains around

So in that regard It's all creating without our knowledge. These things are being created without our knowledge So do I think? We live in a fucking alternate universe dude None of this is real This is a simulation you're freaking me out. This is you live in a simulation freaking me out Let me let me give you a theory. No, no, no, let me give you a theory It's not some way you look at her

Okay, the way she looks to you right when you look at her you know her characteristics You've seen her before you've created that image of who you think she is in your mind that energy is real She exists, but she looks different to me than she does to you when you look at her right now You think I see her the same way you do like she looks Cambodian to me You look Cambodian No, but what you see of her physically all her physical attributes. They don't look the same to me We just assume they do Because we live in a fucking simulation. We've created these universes the way we want to create it's funny because I first thought

You know when she first moved it mushrooms, right? She looked like a mushroom. No, she I thought oh, she looks, you know, like a young but now she looks exactly I don't know why and she do you take offense to this? Looks like she takes offense of this But she looks exactly like her mom to me Well, that's not why I mean she's a child of her mother Why would it be you were you see reflections of her and I call her her mom and she gets really angry. Well, that's annoying. I call her honey Why that's her mom's name. Oh your mom's name is honey. Yeah

Is that her real name her full name is honey loose honey loose. That's a great name honey loose. Yeah, honey loose But you know Filipinos they they they name their people's yeah, there's kids names crazy shit What do you mean like a like like three people have named their kids COVID? Yeah, that's that's fine. I know it's kind of cool or paperclip. They just named their kids in a weird sewer head. Yeah, you know what yeah Thank you for being a bad friend Here's a little song we wrote For all the dads out there We see you

We see you working on that grill Get real hot Yeah You know that long looks damn fine that if We understand what all the mom She got the dad in his new balance Tommy Bahama Three buttons undone

Yeah, there goes your dad riding on his mower Just listen in the hot summer sun So high Dad by See our boats coming through So high We won't Tell you what we want to do. We won't fuck your dad

a good time will be When we fuck your dad We know your mom will be mad When we fuck your dad Show me how to try Oh, yeah, we want to fuck your dad's everybody We want to fuck your dad's We want to fuck your dad's

We want to fuck your dad's yeah Happy Father's Day Yeah