Bad Friends - Goo: The Movie & Bobby's Beef with Brian Moses

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors: http://shipstation.com code: BADFRIENDS & https://betterhelp.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Bobby is Andrew's Underdeveloped Siamese Twin in "Goo: The Movie" 6:00 Tagalongs, Lemon Zingers and Everybody's Favorite Girls Scouts Cookie  12:24 Bobby and Andrew Get Manicures Together  18:36 Brian Moses and the Comedy Roast Battles 25:02 Bobby Gets the Best Dating Advice  34:55 An Incredible First Date 48:02 Andrew Chaperones Bobby on a Date 1:05:54 Bobby Ruins Jeremiah Watkins Tape More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo! Why, dude? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Woo! You two are something.

We're bad friends. I want to be your underdeveloped Siamese twin. As a kid, you were born with, like, a mole. I have one on my leg. Right, but maybe can we have the mole in your stomach? I do have one on my stomach. All right, so, and as years go by, it just grows into more of what the people think is a tumor.

Right, and then by age 12, you see an eyeball. No, I'm the guy. You're normal. You're not like this. No, you're not like that because you're the normal one. Oh, I'm me? Yeah, you're you. I'm, you know what I mean?

Coming out. So, go on. Right, there's a finger and eyeball age 12, right? You go to the doctor like, we think it's, we don't know. We're not sure. We're not sure. And then you're like, you're so afraid. Your parents are like, no, we got to get it out.

We got it. We got it. You're like, you have a phobia of surgery. Of course. Right, so you go, I want to wait. It's my decision. It's my body. My body, my choice.

My body, my choice, right? Yeah. And then by the age 18, you can tell it's, but it's weird because you're like, I think it's Asian. My little, my little mole has grown into my size. It's like a mouth. Now the Asian eyes are out, right? Big cheeks, right?

A finger. Yeah. Right. And at night when I sleep, I just, I'm sleeping. And all I hear is, we are Siamese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bum, bum, bum. Yeah.

We are Siamese. If you don't, please, bum, bum, bum. Tell me you don't know what this is. Oh, from aristocrats. No, it's Lady and the Tramp. Yeah. And then one of the cat movies. By the time you're 25.

One of those cat movies. You have a full blown like shoulder head. I'm actually, you're teaching me how to speak. A Korean man is protruding from my body. Yeah, I'm out at late at night. You can hear, because my head is, I have a neck now. Oh, you're eating. No, I'm eating a patik.

I said patik. No, no. We want to do a family? Yeah. I'm not a writer. I'm not a writer. I can tell. Wait a minute.

I think you're just eating something at night. But I'm afraid you're going to gain us weight. Right. So I hear you. And I'm like, and I wake up. Yeah. Cut it out. Yeah.

It's always ramen. We're going to get fat. The slurping. Right, yeah. Yeah. Can we, can we, can it be that you sometimes think it's your dick, but it's just ramen? Sure.

We'll cut it out. OK. It's just a scene. No, it's fine. Can we just have it for me? One, two. Let me throw it out there. All right.

It could be like a dream. And he wakes up. And you're just eating ramen. Juicy plays. You get married. To Juicy? No. OK.

She's your daughter. Got it. That makes more sense. Now you're 50. She's full grown. Yeah. And you've been hiding me this whole time. How could I hide a half Korean man sticking out of my body?

They think you're fat. You guys just think I'm really porky? Fat dad. Yeah, you have like, what do you say to your friends when your friends say, when they're like, Juicy, it's kind of weird. When your dad, when I see your dad in the front yard, he looks like something's wrong with his chest.

Oh, he's just fat as fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't even have to write, I mean, dialogue. But you know what? I love calling them lyrics. Lyrics. When I'm going to go to set tomorrow and be like, these lyrics are not.

All right, fuck that. I'm not going to sing this song on camera. I fucked up. And then because your wife knows. She, okay. I would hope so. Yeah, because you'd have to hide me. That's, it's impossible.

I imagine she doesn't. Every time I get naked, I have like a towel draped over me. And I'm like, it's just a comfort thing. It's like, it's, it's hard to justify writing wise. Well, what is it? What is it? Like, it doesn't make any sense. When you guys are alone, you're like,

when are you going to introduce me to your wife? Let's make it dark. What about this? You're born. Your mom, your wife mysteriously dies. Oh, wow. I killed him. I killed her.

And I, you were sleeping, right? I found, you know what I mean? Wait, are you my uncle? Yeah, I'm your uncle. Okay. She finds two chopsticks in her eyes, right? And while I was eating ramen, I just jabbed her eyes out with the two chopsticks.

Whoa. No, too much. I mean, 824. It's 824. I feel like it's an 824. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels 824. Get him on the phone.

Right, right. And then what happens? And then I have to avenge my wife's death by deciding whether or not I'm going to kill you, which actually kills me. Whoa. Or travel around the world to one country that the one doctor will do this very risky surgery. I have it.

Oh, you take it away. I have it. Okay. You finally, you've had enough. You know that I murdered your wife with two chopsticks. Uh-huh. Right? You're like, fuck it.

I got to get the surgery. Got it. All right? Yeah. And when I get surgically, right? Remove. Remove. You hear that?

Oh, no. What happened? I have two arms. Oh, you're walking on your arms? I run away. Oh. Right? And now I.

You're like, fuck my brother. He killed my wife. You have to wear this apparatus for every day of my life. Right? Uh-huh. Get it removed. Right? You see like little marks, like red marks on the hospital floor?

They can't find me. Whoa. Whoa. So it's now, I know where you live because I live there. Right. Right? And I'm looking for my favorite, my favorite sweater. I need my favorite sweater.

You do. Yeah. And it's at home. And you go to get it. Well, yeah, but you know, you, but you know, this is how you're going to capture me. Uh-huh. He's, he's going to go for the sweater. So you're there getting a sweater?

Well, so you, you make this box like a contraption or like, you know what I mean? Like with like a rat, a rat trap. A rat trap. Yeah. Right. And you put the sweater in the rat trap. Right. You now know you're scared shit.

You helped me set up the trap. Right. She helped you. You know why? You're a Girl Scout. Okay. No. No good layers.

I like this. You're like, you're a fucking Girl Scout. Yeah. And you know all the traps. Do they, they, they know traps, right? And ropes. Well, also there's cookies. She has gross access to the cookies.

I like cookies. And you definitely like cookies. Love, which kind? What's the flavor? We'll say it on the count of three. Everyone's favorite. One, two, three. Lemon Zinger.

Yeah. They have peanut butter ones. Tagalongs. What's a, is there a lemon zinger? I just made it up. Is there a lemon zinger? By the way, look up the kinds. I actually don't know if there is a lemon zinger.

Yeah. I think there's a lemon one. No, there is, right? I think there has to be. Thin mints is the old school. Yeah. Thin mints and then lemon, like a zoom in. Let's see.

Thin mints. Lemonade. Lemonades. Lemonades. I think that's what I'm thinking about. What the fuck is a thanks a lot? That's a great idea. I've never heard of a thanks a lot in my entire life.

And by the way, they call it. Well, I know what the flavor is probably pussy. Oh, thanks a lot. Yeah, because when guys get a thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. That's delicious. Are you going to cut that out too? No.

All right. Wait a minute. What is it? Thanks a lot. Is a biscuit dipped in chocolate with a thank you message right on it. That's really good. You can't go wrong with short bread.

But look, it used to be called shout outs. You know what? Tag alongs are the peanut. They're going out called peanut butter patties. Weird. They fucking I think while tag along is probably insensitive to nerds and losers that were never leaders. Yeah, everyone just follows.

All right. What does Philippe like though? Who's Philippe? Yeah. Oh, that's your guy. I just named it. Fine, dude. I'm sorry.

Was that too premature? No, that's sad because it's my uncle. I never met. He killed my mom. Yeah. My mom said and we have to kill my uncle. Philippe. Let me see the names again of the cookies on.

I think the ones that you like are. I'm going to go with he's big into the short breads. OK. Because I'm short. Yeah. I have no legs. But you love bread. And I love bread.

Yeah. That's great. Short bread. Legless mound of and with arm. But you walk on your hands. But see, I'm thinking in horror films, you'd be walking on your hands. But your face has to be up.

Oh, I know, I know. Your body's up. What? Go ahead. Because you've been on his side your whole life. You grab on to people and they walk you. That's how you get around. What do you mean?

You hold on to somebody and they transport you around. Are they aware? Yes. They don't have a choice. Yes. Wait, wait. So a lady's. Let me just say.

I get out of the hospital and I see a nurse leave. She's done with her shift. She is. I latch on to her calf, right? Is she going, oh no, it's Philippe. At first she goes, she goes, what are you doing? What are you doing? And then you say.

What are you? You would ask? What are you? And you go, I'm a human being. Not in this world. Not in this world. Will she say something racial? Like, you know what I mean?

Half-goog, half-goog. I don't know. Maybe in the 80s. Yeah, you're right. In the 80s. Get this goo off of me. Yeah, goo. Half.

If you're healthy. She says goo. Yeah, get this goo off. And she knows it's about to be racist. So she stops it at that. She almost says okay. Yeah, in fear of getting canceled, she carries you wherever you want to go.

That's what the movie's called. Goo. Goo. That's what, yeah, goo, right? The beginning. But you make people feel bad. You go, what are you, ableist? Get me to where I want to go.

I want to go. Take me to 417 Watchman Avenue. Otherwise, I'll tell everyone that you're an ableist. She drops me off. I'm in a bush. And I'm scoping out the house. Can you imagine? What do you mean?

You on your hands in a bush. How are you seeing anything? That's true. You're upside down. I can climb trees. That you can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just see these two arms just clawing up a tree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? And you just sit on perch in a tree. How about this? Why don't we do this as a little, like, you know, while I'm attached to you still growing up, right? You know we're going backwards. Yeah, a little bit.

You never clip my nails. And that's a whole dialogue. Oh. You're like, can you clip my nails? No. That's why you kill my wife with your nails. Instead of the chopsticks. And with the nails, I can climb trees faster.

That's right. Oh, and that's how we know he's near, because we see the scratches in the bark. Oh, I see. So it's not right away. You guys do investigate it the next day. We discover it. And you're like a detective girl scout lady.

Yeah. And you're like, look at the fucking tree. Well, my friends are all looking at my now skinny dad. And they're like, wow, your dad looks different. And all I can see are the nail marks. I mean, just a side stroke eats a lot of girls, because you're single now, right? Yeah, but I know I'm not getting any girls,

because I still have this big gash of a hole on the side of my body from where a man was. That's true. That's true. We need to call Ryan Murphy with these ideas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I watched his show last night. I started The Watcher.

Yeah. The Watcher? Oh, I watched the whole thing. You watched the whole thing already? Is it good? It's good. Everyone say it's good. The one about the house, right?

Yeah, it's very Ryan Murphy. Do you know what I mean by that? No, I don't. I don't know who Ryan Murphy is. It was good. I got scared. Are you serious? I swear to God, no.

American Horror Story? Never seen it. Glee? You've never seen one American Horror Story. It's been on for like 34 years. I see the billboards. I'm like, oh, that looks weird. Like there's always like two like vampires attached to each other

and like doing some weird thing. That's like the thing we just wrote. Yeah. I'm a hack. You're literally doing this. You think I stole it? Yeah, you did. I stole it from the billboard.

No, but it's very Ryan Murphy. But Bobby Cannavale and why can't I think of her name? Naomi Watts? Naomi Watts. He only got 52% on Rotten Tomatoes. Jennifer Coolidge is fucking and my boy Richard Kine. My buddy Richard Kine does any who kills it. Yeah, they're all great.

You know Richard Kine? Yeah. You know so many special people. He's the funniest person I've ever met in my life. In my entire, I'm not kidding. His, because he's got that very like, it's like old school, New York, Jew, like everything. I'll be eating a meal and he'll go, are you going to finish?

Oh, wait, what show was he on with you? I never did a show with him. How did you meet him? Playing golf. It's, you know, I'm tired of your fucking golf shit, then. Fine. No, I'm tired of it. What did I do to you?

Because you meet so many cool people doing it. And because my dad used to beat me with golf clubs, I have a fear of it and he fucked up my career. Can I tell you a weird story though? I have a weird, aside from goo, we'll go back to goo. How does it end? I think we let the audience decide how it ends. In the comments below, tell us how goo ends.

All right. That's what I like. So I'm going to tell you something weird that happened. Love. Can you take two seconds real fast? Can I compliment you? Go ahead. Your fucking strawberry kisses nails are looking so cute.

Thank you. Yeah. Those are, that color is, it's getting me a little horny. I'm not lying. Are you being real? It's a sexy color. Thank you. And I usually reserve that for like, if when I see it on, you know.

Well, single Bob wants to, because, you know, everyone says that my fingers are like Wolverine hands. Yes, they are. Right. Yes, they are. And I wanted to change that because I'm like dating now. Can we get a manicure together? We're going to get the next one.

Dude, Gels. Every other week. You want to get one? No. This is so fun. You want to get one? Yes, I would love to. What color you want?

I don't care. Yeah, yeah. I got these ones recently. I was getting my oil changed. I went and got manicured. Yeah. I want to be like Bobby. Do they always have to be Vietnamese?

Yeah. Okay. They're just so aggressive. Well, who else can do it that good? Look at how fucking good that looks. I know, but she's like, she doesn't care. You get a Malaysian in there. They're going to fuck it up.

Oh, really? I don't know. Okay. I've never done it. Yeah, yeah. You got to go. I'm still holding on. I'm no way.

I'm still holding on to this. No way, he said. I'm still holding on to this bullshit, uber masculine nonsense, I'm going to do this till I die. This guys don't get their nails painted. That's me. That's you. It's cool. You look good, but I'm not.

I would never. You could get a manicure without getting your nails painted. No, thanks. What is it for? It's for your health. Like you get the guys are supposed to have shitty hands apart of being a guys having a shitty looking fucked up hand. Well, the reason why I got it done is because when I was shooting that softball movie, there was an extra background girl. Good save.

Thank you. Good save. Put that in the books as a good thing. There was a background woman, right? Right. And she was laying on her back and I thought there was some sort of energy between us that like made some flirtations going on. She didn't have any lyrics, right? She didn't have any lyrics.

No, no, no. Yeah, right. And so she I kind of went like this, you know what I mean to wake her up with my fingers. I did some sort of you know, Korean, you know, warlock stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Right.

And she opened her eyes and she looked at my finger. She goes, gross. Oh, fuck her. She looked at my fingers and one grows and at that point I was just like, I got to do something about it. I'm not listening to that bitch. I did. She was a background. So the side thing though, let me just say that this is interesting.

So you know how times you scroll through your because I was doing some some management when it comes to my contact list. You were deleting old numbers. Yeah, no numbers. I didn't understand, you know what I mean? And people that like it says Amy, you know what I mean? Yeah, who's the fuck is Amy? Let's call her up. You know what we should do?

We should call off all the numbers in your phone to people that we should do that. That's actually very fun. Yeah. But then I went to the bees, right? And this is a couple of years ago. It's a Billy Ray Cyrus. What? Yeah.

Seriously? Yeah, I swear to God. I still have it. You do? Yes. So then I a couple of years ago when I saw it, I went to call out. I go Billy Ray. Who is that again?

So that's Miley Cyrus's dad. I've never met him. Why would I have his number? Why would you? And then she goes, it's fake. It's probably you, probably a guy that you know who's a comic or something or you met somebody that looks like Billy Ray Cyrus. And then, you know, you just put him at Billy Ray Cyrus.

That sounds more right. That sounds right, right? But that being said. But check this out when I discovered. Uh-huh. So there's this girl that I'm hanging out with, right? And she used to work for him. I just coughed.

Yeah, that's fine. Okay, go ahead. She used to work for him. Yeah. So I go, oh, well, he's so funny. I told her the story. She goes, what's the number? And as I said the number, she finished off the number.

She goes, that is his number. Wait, what? Yeah. And so I don't know how the fuck I have Billy Ray Cyrus's number in my fucking phone. You imagine you guys were on like a flirty texty DM for like a couple of weeks and you just blacked it out of your mind. I don't know.

Is that weird? Can we call? I don't know if I want to. Who cares? It's like, what's the difference? You never called him anyway. You know, you never had this person. Yeah, but if I pick it up and he goes, who?

Hello, Billy Ray Cyrus. It's Bobby Lee from Bobby Lee from goo from goo star of goo. Yeah. Let me think about it. I please dude. It'd be so fucking cool. Yeah. Really?

It would be so fun. Billy Ray. Sorry. I'm going to take my horse to the hometown or you don't even know this. No, I don't think that there's a horn. It right. Yeah. Okay, good.

So anyway, that was like the biggest song of the year. What two years ago? What was it? How many years? Three? But let me just say one last thing that happened last night. I was sitting there. Did you see two guys walked out to me handcuffed last night?

What? Yeah, the store at the store. And they go, we're doing it. Wait, what are you doing? The thing that you and Andrew were going to do. We were hanging. This is day three. No fucking way.

And they were handcuffed. Did you just hear with this? What he just said? I don't quite get it. Two people were handcuffed at the comedy store together. And remember, we joked on the show one time about us being handcuffed together and lasting 30 days. What was that?

I don't even know. A week. A week. Yeah. And they go, day three. And they didn't look healthy. No, they didn't. Like one guy's eyes were bloodshot.

And he kind of looked deranged. And the other guy that was talking was like, we're doing it. So they're handcuffing themselves? Yeah. And I'm like, why? They go, because you guys did it. We didn't do it. We did not do it.

Yeah, yeah. We did not do it anyway. I go, why? I did not see those guys. Yeah, yeah. They were there. That is creepy. Why would they do that?

Also, you guys got to keep going and send it into us. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to keep going. You got to keep going and send it into one of the producers. Send it into Fancy. You guys should do like some more volunteer work or something if you're this influential. Yeah, what should we do?

Some charity shit? We've talked about doing charity shit. How do we do charity? Well, what do we want to do? Soup kitchen. What's that one? It just sounds sad, soup kitchen. I've done it before.

It's actually, it's not, it's not sad. Isn't there like a pizza kitchen we can work instead? Well, they do like more than just soup. They just, I think they just call it that. You know, we did that in the Philippines where we brought boxes to like this village. They had no running water or food or anything. And as soon as we came up, we had like 200 boxes of food

and these kids ran a completely naked. They hadn't taken shots. It was so sad. Yeah. Right. And it just breaks my heart. That's why I can't do it again. That's why you can't do it.

I was like, this is it. This is tearing me apart. I can't get that sad when I do charity. So I'm not going to do it anymore. I'll do it once and then done. Should we bring in our little, our special guest who's here for a, just for, just to say hi to pop in. What is he doing?

Huh? What is he? Well, you're going to talk to him when he gets in here. All right. I hope he doesn't have attitude. There he is. Hey, what's up, man? How are you?

I feel great. We're a dude. Sit down. Let's talk, let's talk about it. You guys know each other, don't you? Oh, yeah. Since the beginnings. No, I'm talking about juice and Mo's.

So our special guest that's come to the studio is an old friend. Someone that Bobby has a lot of beef with apparently. I have no beef. I love it. Well, you guys can hash it out. There's no hash. Brian Moses has stopped by. Mo, thanks for coming.

Thank you, Santino. What's going on with this guy? Yeah, I don't know. I walked in. Because I'll tell you what. Okay. I might as well. You know what I mean?

Right? I heard you say you're Filipino. I'm just like, he's Korean. You are. Is that attitude right there? See what he just did? Is that attitude right there? Let me ask you something.

Okay. Okay. And let's just see, let's get real and let's be more, let's get real. All right. In the last five years, maybe since you did Rose Battle, maybe, you know, I feel like there's a little bit of an attitude toward me. Like, you know, really say hi to me. You don't want to talk to me.

You sort of distance yourself. I feel like you feel like you're too cool. Is that what the deal is? No, no, no, I feel, I actually feel the same way. I feel since Rose Battle took off, you've been kind of weird to me. Oh, I like that. Why would that be? Because the thing is, is your, the Rose Battle is what took you off into a

different plane. And you never came back. No, I stayed the same. So once, just a science. He's always been an asshole. Yeah. Science is, I've always been an asshole, right? And then something happened, right?

Science. Yeah. And an element shifted. Okay. But one element stayed the same. What, what's the element? I'm the element of this. Oh, you're saying so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two things that were on the same plane, explosion happened, right? One of them crashed into a World Trade Center. Right. And one stayed here. At the Pentagon. At the Pentagon. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't forget, building seven. Wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what you're saying? Yeah. You're saying I'm more like I hit that tower. Is that the one Renazizzi was in? Anyway.

Here's, let me, let me try to break down what Bobby's saying. Yeah. And here's why he's mad, I guess. I'm not mad. Here's why you- I just want to get it out. You want to get it out because you really like Moses, and you think he doesn't like you anymore.

That's really what it is. No, it's not that like, it's like- Yes, it is. You think he doesn't like you anymore. Bobby, you told my parents I was talented and gray. You widened them and told all these great things about me. I mean, I thought we were really good friends. So I walked, let me ask, I don't remember, but I went up to your parents,

your biological parents. Yes. Yes, I know. And what exactly what did I say? I don't need how. I don't know. Well, he's right. You might have said that.

I never said he had. You're very funny. Yeah. Yeah. But what did I say to you? That was very funny. What did I say to your fucking parents? Now you said your son is very talented.

You don't see a lot of young black talented people here besides. And you like listed like a bunch of black talented people in front of him. How many like Eric Rose, Kobe Bryant, Richard Pryor. Did I did I did I make you look good? You make me look great. Okay. Yeah. Then why the attitude?

And here's another beef I have with you. I have two now. This is so dumb. It's just why can't I do it? I do whatever you want. I'm just laughing at it. Yeah. This is my domain.

She has. Okay. Sure. You come into the lines then you might get bit ship station. Hey, everybody. We have an online business here at Bad Friends and we only use ship station. It's the best. The most wonderful time of the year is also the most hectic time of the year.

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Because I've talked to a lot of females since I've been single. You're single? Yeah. And this is another beef I have now. You haven't even told me that. I'm into Asian. Well, first of all, all right. Do you want Kalyla's number?

Are you saying him? Him. Yeah. Oh, oh. If you're a part of the comedy community and you don't know that I broke up with Kalyla, that means somebody's drifted away. Is that agree with me? Time out.

Time out. It means somebody drifted away. Do you agree with me? He knows you broke up. He's teasing. Do you really? This is how I, this is how I- That's your comedy at my back?

No, no, no. That's my pickup line. So you're like, oh, shit, you're readily single? That's how I do. Let me get to my second piece. How do you not understand that that's what he's doing? Oh, I didn't know. Well, we got to get you around more black people.

You think that's it? Well, here's what it is. Why do you do that? No snitching. Let me tell you, let me tell you, no snitching. These guys, these guys, man, they're like a vault, a big black vault. I don't know anything, Bobby. I know nothing about you.

Oh, wow. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. I don't even know it. All right. I know your brother's name is Stephen Lee. He has a better podcast. Oh.

I'm going to let, that's good. That's, it's funny. Yeah, he's doing his roast thing, which I like. First of all, that's his technique. Part of the reason that he wanted to come say what's up is because he's got, he's got some. Okay. Before you do that, let me get the second thing out. That's fine.

Okay. Wait, the second thing already was you thought that. No, that wasn't it. Okay. All right. The second thing is, is that I've heard from many, many women in comedy that you eat the best pussy. He does. But how?

I can attest. It bothers me. Why? What's your technique? Like he's going to share it. I need to know the technique. I can't teach you how to dunk Bobby. And that's a layer joke.

Yeah. There's so much going on there. Do you, let me ask you out of your skill set, you as a person, do you know that that's your skill set? Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, Moe's for real. Now that he is single, you don't have to do it for him.

Do it for me. Do it, do it for me because you love me. I got you. I love Bobby though. San Diego legend. Thank you. Sure. Give him one, one tip in the, in the, in the eating kitty faction, give him one tip because

he knows he's, he needs any of them. So give him one little tip if you can, just one tip, just one tip. I mean, act like you like it. Act like you like it. Oh, smile. Not even smile. Just like really get into it. Like don't, don't do the, here's the thing I think a lot of guys fuck up.

Yum, yum. By the way, this is supposed to be a secret. Nobody's supposed to know this. Mom, don't watch this. Okay. Yeah. But just, it's not even act, like just really like it. Don't look a girl in the eyes.

Like girls do the thing in porn or like, you know, like they're blowing a guy and like they're looking into his eyes. Like guys don't ever look in a girl's eyes when you're going down on them. That's weird. They don't like it. I'm always like, don't look at me. Yeah, don't look at me. You like this.

You're like, you're trying to prove to them. You like, like, just do it. It's almost like you're not scared by your comedy. Don't be scared by eating pussy. That is such a good line. I don't lock eyes. I close my eyes because if you're closing your eyes, it looks like you're just trying to get through it.

He's saying, look like you're enjoying it. But not lock eyes. That's a lot of rules. It's like you're swinging with sharks. Just don't look up. Don't paddle your arms. Don't lock eyes with a shark. I mean, that's a lot of fucking things.

Next time you're playing Stardew Valley, look in the mirror and whatever that looks like. That's great. Thank you so much. She knows what she's talking about. Alright, so that's one tip. Women are the best at eating pussy. Never lock eyes. Never lock eyes.

Okay. More please. And if she gets too onerous, you've got to punch her in the nose. That's the only way to get away. You know that, right? Right. Like a shark. Like a shark.

Yeah. What's the second thing you think? You know, promise them that you'll vote. Women seem to like that. Midterms. Oh, midterm voting. Yeah. Roe v. Wade.

Roe vs. Wade. Right, right. That's so hot. But if I'm eating out. Yeah. But if I'm eating out Marjorie Taylor Greene, I would have to say a different thing. What would you say? I would say, yeah.

I would say, yeah. Roe vs. Wade. No, no, no. Just say something about Alex Jones was right. Sandy Hook is a, you know what I mean? Yeah. I believe in reptilian shapeshifter. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I see. Kanye's a new Hitler with a beat. I don't know. Something cool. I know you guys are joking, but I'm kind of on board with most of those things that you just said. Yeah.

I know you guys are teasing around. So those are two things. Don't lock eyes and talk about voting. No. Act like you like it. Act like I like it. Don't lock eyes. Act like you like it.

Don't lock eyes. Let them know you're going to vote. Let them know you're going to vote. That's the three. I just quit the voting thing, but okay. I'm going to try it, but I feel like it's, I'm not going to, see this is why. This is why you don't eat more pussy. See?

Because you're not voting. Right before you go down. The legs are here and you just, you go down right before you go in and then pop back up and we go, I'm going to vote. And then go right back in. Oh, I see. Yeah. What if I pop up and I have that voting sticker on my head?

Even better. I voted, right? That circular sticker. Actually, you know what? Go down on them, go down on them, make them come and then pull your head away and go look. And when they look down, they see you've left a sticker right there. Right. Let me get like a fortune cookie though.

Okay. That's good. That's really good. That's really good. That's good. If you pull a fortune cookie out and go, what is this? After you went down, crack it open, it's an I voted sticker. Right.

Or I'll put it on. With my jit. Oh, I'm not jerking off. Don't make it disgusting. You don't want to like it that much. I don't like it that much. Okay. So those are, you know what?

These are things. All right. So we squashed your beef at you for some fault. I apologize. If I was acting like you in any way, I apologize. I was just, I was just, I was keeping that same energy. You know, I disagree with you. I feel like that I am very nice at the store.

You are actually. Am I not? Yeah. You're there all the time. He had a bag and I go, oh, what's in the bag? And he goes, oh, it's just a bunch of food here. You guys can have it. I was going to throw it away.

Oh, that's nice. Did you ever end up eating it? Yeah. We all ate it. Okay. Yeah. I was like, oh, I'm going to eat this. Like the first, my first day on the job was like April 1st, April 2nd, 2010.

And Bobby came up to me. It was like, oh, you're the new black guy here. I got some, I need some jokes for like, for this thing I'm doing with Wilbur. We're all, we're all the ball drama, he had said. And then it was me and real battle. We're there. Love. And I remember that.

Bobby's like, give you guys a hundred bucks each. And then real was like, cool. I'm going to go get your rod. I was like, I'm, I'm right here. And Bobby's like, cool. I was giving it to him. But if you got better people, I'll go get them. I was like, that was my introduction anyway, um, why are you here?

One Monday night comedy store, Halloween night at the comedy store. Yes. There's a comedy show on Halloween night. And it's roast battle league. Number one is the very first roast battle league event. What's it? What's a roast battle league? So now, you know, we have roast battle and there's roast battles everywhere, every continent,

but Antarctica. So now we're bringing the best roast battles in the world, bringing them into Halloween night and basically doing like the UFC thing. So basically the best guys who roast battle battling each other. Let me ask you some questions. I'm very curious about it. Yeah. Are you flying people out or are they getting?

No, we're flying people out. That's amazing. So where's the farthest place you're flying somebody out from? London and Tokyo. Holy shit. Tokyo. There's a Japanese dude. There's no, it's Japanese girl.

Itzy. She's on the next one, the roast battle two. Roast battle league two, but the roast battle league one is a London cat. We, uh, we, and yeah, Tokyo's coming. It's every Monday now. Every, no, no, every month, but Monday night is the first one. Monday, Halloween night, Halloween night, Halloween night. And you put them up.

Where do you put them up? We're going to have to break before you go. We're going to have to break your heart. This will come out after that now. It's all good. But, but roast battle two. Roast battle two. Yeah.

Every month at the comedy. So we're doing a roast battle league event and we're building up to battle mania, which we're going to do in July. Fuck. It's incredible. You know what? Cause I, you know, I've judged it before I've, I've watched many, many of you've seen me in the audience.

I love it. And, um, I just, have you ever done one? No, but what I will say is I feel like I can't do it. When I watch what you built at the comedy store, cause I've known you for a long time, I was, I've said this to you multiple times how like happy I was that, that what you put together became so, this is like viral in real life. Like that show became viral in real life in the comedy world. So much so for people that don't know is all these other fucking cities everywhere we would

go would copy it. They would do their roast battle in Nashville and in Miami. I was in Philly and they all did it. But it, it started in our house upstairs in the belly room at our club and watching most put it together. And I've judged, I don't know a thousand fucking times, but I used to, sometimes I used to get so stoned after my set and I would go sit in the back of roast battle, but not say, I would say hi to him, but I would just sit and watch because it was like watching a show.

I mean, it was, it was, it was such a fucking event that I would hide in the corner cause I wanted to feel the energy without being a part of it. It, it, it's the hardest I've ever laughed by far and number two, what I love about it is, and it's not funny what I'm about to say, but it's like, it's the biggest expression of free speech. It is because I feel like the wokeness and all that stuff doesn't apply to it and there's a freedom to it. And it's like, it feels, I've never felt more American being in that room.

Yeah. Because you can say, cause I've said, I've, I've said, I've heard the shit that I even would be like, I would never fuck it. That's crazy. I love that. But it's great because it, because it doesn't matter what, you know, like different races and genders and ages and backgrounds and everyone makes fun of everybody for everything. So there's no rules which makes it all free, which makes a handicapped person making fun

of a black girl, making fun of an Asian guy. Like it just, everything is. We're making fun of a guy's dad that died two weeks before, I mean, like just no holds bar. Yeah. And I fucking love it. It's incredible. So what we achieved today though, is we squashed this fake beef between you and Moses.

There was no beef. I love him. That's what I'm saying. He taught you how to go. I want you to really teach me because it's like, I'm being real, I want to take a class. Will you promise me that? Bobby, let's just do it right now. What's your goal when it comes to sex?

Oh, no, I can fuck. No, no, I don't want to fuck. Wait, that's your first, that's the first problem. That's your problem. I can fuck. It's not about you. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's it. See, the first thing he says is I. Yeah. It's not about you. Oh my, you're just blowing my mind right now. You're right. It's her. Her.

I'm setting up. I'm sitting up. I'm sitting up. I just had a fucking spiritual awakening. You're right. So now it's single Bobby. Yeah. It's sex is never about you.

It's never about me. It's not about you. It's about her. Absolutely is. Oh my God. He's like my fucking, you know, character. I'm your sensei. Yeah.

Yeah. He's my philosopher. Does the woman go in with that attitude as well? Because then what are they doing? Right. That's true. That's true. Well, Juice, when you're in it.

You're in a misogynist. When you're with your boyfriend. Do you feel like it's about you or about him? About him. Because you want to be a great lover. Yeah. But then if we're both doing that, what are we doing? Somebody's got to be a sub.

Oh, you think it cancels each other? You think it cancels each other off. Yeah. So if two people are way too giving, then it becomes cuck, then cuck has to step in at some point. Yeah. I'm cuck. And this is Mr. Cuck.

Right. I see. Yeah. So is this something that you asked before? So before I go, this is going to be about you. No. Right. And just make it about you.

You're literally, you're making it about you again. Oh, by even, by even asking the girl, I'm making it about me. I'm doing this for you is literally saying you're, you're doing this so she knows about you. So how about this? I'm going to ask that. Yeah. I'm doing it to make it.

No, no, no. The girl, I look at the girl and go, excuse me, Cynthia. I'm just a random name. Right. Excuse me. Excuse me. Cynthia. Hi.

Before we do this transaction, right? Not the right word. No. Transaction? Is she an ATM? No. Okay. Let me say Cynthia.

Hi. Can I say hi? Let me say hi. Oh, you want to say hi. I'm Cynthia. You're Cynthia. Yeah. Let's see how it plays out.

And then he can tell you what you did wrong. No. Let me tell you what you did wrong. All right. Cynthia. Hey. Hi. Hi.

I had to say the last hi. It's like an OCD thing for me. Don't break character. Stay in the fucking character. Start over. Someone say action. Action. Cynthia.

Yeah, Bob. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I have to say hi. Hi. Is this an Asian thing? Yeah. Anyway, so listen, Cynthia, what are you doing this for? I mean, what do you think? Is it about you? Or is it about me?

I don't know what you're saying. What I'm saying is, is that we're watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I know. And I love this movie. Michelle Kwan is amazing. It's so good. She's amazing. So are you?

And she's also the Asian Meryl Streep. I'm aware. You know. Yeah. Right. I did a movie with her once. I'm half Asian. You know that.

Right. Anyway. What I mean by that is, is that everything's about you when I'm doing this transaction. Everything's about you when I'm playing, when we're playing this game. This is not a game to me. Yeah. It's going to be all about you. I mean, while we interplay in this, you know, formal physical activity that we're partaking

in. It's, there's formality to this. I just want this to be loose and fun. Is it over? Yeah. I'm home. Have I lost? Have I lost?

By the way, while you were doing it. Brian, have I lost? I feel like as, as the guy in the part, I feel like I'm losing it. That was the most boring porn I've ever watched. Oh really? Yeah. For an Asian porn. Yeah.

This is not, let me do it. This is for real, right? I already called the Uber by the way. Cynthia. Cynthia. Yeah. Actually, honestly. That worked.

That's hot as fuck. Yeah. That's good. That's fine. Right. The chogi too much? No, no. The talking too much.

Yeah. Make it a silent movie. Yeah. That's right. All right. Oh. Oh. Perfect.

That's it. You're right. That's your perfect date. Dude, dude, dude. You should do a masterclass. How much would you charge for a masterclass on how to go down? I wouldn't because I'm not a misogynist. That's amazing.

Dude, you're a cult leader. Why is that much? Well, yeah. Because I'm making money off of the exploitation of women's pleasure. So you would charge nothing, but you would still do it? I'd do it for free. Yeah. It'd be a community service.

It's amazing. Or you'd take a fee and then you'd donate it to a woman's sex toys. Sex toys? What? No, to a woman's charity. Yes. And if that woman is against the, I want to say, ad as a matter. Candice Owens.

Candice Owens. Yeah. But that is a true thing that you will, I don't want to name the girls, but there have been a couple of girls in the comedy community that you've eaten their, you know what I mean? Beautiful vaginas. Supposed to be anonymous. Anonymous.

And they've all hands down, locked their eyes with me and said, Brian Moses is the best at that. And clap. No, no, no. This is just for you. It just feels weird to clap on my own. I know, but I like watching it. Yeah, yeah.

There it is. You guys are constantly clapping towards the black man. We appreciate that. This is a jealousy thing for them. They're fucking good at that too. All right, right. Yeah. Yeah.

These blacks are getting too many hand claps. See what I mean? Yeah. Whether it's sports or music or I'm tired of it. Yeah. Asians, you guys have, you guys, you guys love the culture, right? Basketball. Love it.

B-bots, you know, yeah. B-boy style. Yeah. Breakdancing, hip-hop, all that shit. Yeah. Video games. What can I argument though? It's a, I know that a lot of black people in the 70s love to go see Kung Fu festivals,

and so we've influenced you guys on as well. Listen, I want to break the myth for that. Here's the myth. Here's the myth. Yeah, no, no. We love it. And here's why. Because black people in the 70s were all poor and B-movies were free.

Yeah. So you get them for free. But you had your own. Dolomite, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. Black exploitation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Black exploitation.

But you guys love, but no, but I've met a lot of black women. Hell yeah. They take me to the Kung Fu festivals in the 70s, you know, and I'm being real. That's a, what, you think I'm wrong? No, I just wait, man. What? Yeah. How old are they?

They're my age. They're my 50s now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying that, you know, it's not, it's not, it's a two-way street. What's your dad's name? Robert. Oh, Bob.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you ask me that? Because I was like, your last name's Lee, the 70s, Kung Fu, Bruce Lee. Like, there must have been a lot of confusion. That was never, I think. I'm not even joking. I mean, like, is your uncle or something? I don't like it.

You don't have an uncle, Bruce? No, I don't. No. No, there's no, nothing. No, I'm just, the problem is there's no relation. Okay, that's good. Yeah, yeah. There's absolutely no relation.

Would you name your son, Bruce? I didn't just, no. Because of, because of teasing. Because he's not going to know karate. Isn't that interesting that Bruce, Bruce, as an Asian guy, very weird that it's an Asian guy's name, but there's nothing to make fun of. But Bruce White Guy, for some reason, just an easily-teasable name. Oh, my God.

Hate of Bruce. It's hate of Bruce. God, I hate of Bruce. I know of Bruce. Oh, you mean... Has there ever been a black Bruce? Same Bruce? Yes.

Is there a black Bruce? There's no way there's a black famous. I was thinking Bill Duke. No. No. It's not a Bruce. Maybe I have a theory. What you got?

Maybe white dudes named certain names. If you put it to an Asian guy, it switches it. So what's another name the white guy can? We know an Asian guy. Ken Shamrock. Yeah, but is Ken a weird one for whites? A weird... When you say weird, do you mean annoying white guy?

It's like Bruce. Chad. Chad. If you did a Korean dude named Chad, would that be weird or cooler? Kind of tight. That's tight. Yeah. Chad Hugo.

There goes Chad Koo. Yeah. There's Chad Koo right there. Chad Hugo is the Neptune's producer. Oh, really? That's true. I guess if you take a white shitty name and you give it to an Asian, it makes it okay again.

Maybe like Curtis. Yeah. Andrew. Andrew. Yeah. If you take a Russian name. Slow down. Slow down.

Brian. Yeah. Wait a minute. Like you know your name. We tried. We tried that. That logic. Black or white.

It doesn't work. You took white names. It just didn't work. I mean, it's bad. I have like three white names. Yeah. I'm going to give my kid, if I have a kid, have a kid, just an unusual name. Black.

American black. Like what? I don't know. LeBron. Yeah. LeBron Lee. Bernard. Bernard Lee.

French. Yeah. Yeah. Bernard. Yeah. How about like, how about like. Yeah. Latavian.

Latavian Lee. That's dope. The alliteration is amazing. Latavian Lee. Latavian Lee. Latavian Lee. That's the next one. Hell yeah.

Latavian. Any J really. Jamal. Jamar. Yeah. Jaquan. Jaquan. Jaquan Lee is sick.

Jaquan Lee is sick. That dude is dope. Jaquan Lee. Jaquan Lee. Jaquan Lee. That's so dope dude. That actually sounds very cool. He's a producer.

What kind? As it comes out. Hip hop. What? Hip hop. I don't think so. Oh he directs like. I think a name influences what you become maybe.

I agree. Yeah. Yeah. Please go to the comedy store every Monday, once a month, watch Rose Battle. No, no, no, no, no. Let's not say that. Once a month. Yeah, just once a month.

That's the Rose Battle League. So this is the new iteration of Rose Battle. Rose Battle is traditional every Tuesday, but there's Rose Battles all over the world. And they broadcast, so we're trying to make a league, kind of like the NBA. Everybody plays basketball, but there's only such thing called professionals. So we're bringing all the professionals in once a month at the comedy store, hopefully on a Sunday or a Monday, flying them in from Tokyo, Sydney, Australia, Barcelona, Spain. Amazing.

London, New York, Chicago, Austin, Bay Area, LA, all over the world. And we're bringing them here. So check the comedy store website, thecomedystore.com to go see when those tickets are going to be up and moving around. I have one last question though. Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about this earlier. It's a specific style of writing, right, roasting.

I've never learned to do that style. Right. Are you good at that style? Could you write a roast joke? No. I don't think I could, but you're good at it. It's just, it's just. So let me, let's, let me, I want to try to roast Juicy.

You help me with it. Okay. She's done it. I know. So what, what would I start with? Let's say I was battling Juicy. I would look at her like, so I would write down what I see like physically, right? So she looks like a low rent bono with those glasses.

That's one. That's one here. Right. I would look at her body and go and write down things that I saw in her body. Like clothes she's wearing. Clothes. The shape of her body. Yeah.

You can go easy with it. Just, you look like this. Right. And then you start from there. It's, it's basically just like a writing experiment. Yes. Like you, you look like a soup dumpling. Oh, that hurt.

But you do. It does work. But it's like a, there's a few things. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Soup dumpling. Yeah.

Oh, that's good. Cause I'm wet. Okay. Good. You're wet. You're round chunky. And soup is like a thing for your people a lot. It's a race element.

Yeah. So like if, let's, let's say Juicy's mom died a week ago. Is that too soon or? No, it's not. It's too late. Yeah. Oh, it's too late. It's got to be same day.

It's got to be same day. Same day death stuff. No, no, I'm kidding. You can't usually. A week. Yeah. It doesn't. I don't think that's the best.

A week. If you want to ask your opponent. What's up limits? Oh, shit. They do that. Oh, shit. So we're about, we're about consensualities. All right.

So, so listen to you and our roasting of juice. I'm being real. What do I stay away from my mom dying? It's too fresh. Okay. Yeah. Stay away from that. Your mom really died.

No. I'll start filming. I started filming. I feel like my mom watches every episode. We do love we love her so much but what would really be something off that's off limits. Um, I Guess I don't is it would it be okay to be like I guess I couldn't say I wouldn't know till I hear it because it'd be too late Yeah, you can't say I know his limits. I don't really know if I you know mine. Yeah. Yeah yours But maybe what about what about no Daniel stuff? I wouldn't care. That's you. Yeah. Well, he's a comic. So that's different

That's different. He's a comic. Yeah, I feel like you don't have any All right, Mo's give us some love and then we'll we'll cap off and finish another minute or two after. I love y'all man Thank you guys so much. We love you. Thanks for coming. It was make sure we'll League baby Rolls-Baddle League, babe Viator Viator guys is the world's leading travel experience Marketplace. I'm so excited because I used it for Andrew. He got me worse birthday Okay, so what do they do if you're wondering what it is?

They offer everything simple tours to extreme adventures and all the niche interesting stuff in between They put the critical combination of extensive options ease of selection and flexibility your fingertips to help ensure that your time is wonderfully spent And this guy got me an experience the Napa and Sonoma wine country full day tour from San Francisco How was it? It was actually very fun. I went up there to San Francisco and I honestly I thought I was gonna hate it Yeah, because I I was like this was a Bobby thing He's gonna it's gonna be fake and stupid and it wasn't it was incredible and fun and immersive and boy Oh boy, do I like my shot and a that's why I love Viator Viator is the world's leading travel experience marketplace guys They offer everything from simple tours to extreme adventures all niche interesting stuff in between

Yeah, and let me tell you something about this you you think they don't have anything there for me Yeah, they do. They have it. They have it. They have it get on the website and find out what's going on That's why we love Viator. All right, they are the world's leading travel experience marketplace And I got to tell you they have simple stuff, right? You can do something very easy like sightseeing Yeah, or you do a town do sightseeing you can do something very complex, right? You want to get in a car and you want to drive with a professional race car driver and go whipping around a track? They got it baby. Viator has over 300,000 bookable experiences to choose from and over a hundred and ninety countries Bobby doesn't know that many countries download the Viator app now guys and use Viator 10 for 10% off your first booking one app over

300,000 experiences. You'll remember do more with Viator Can I propose something? Will you let me know please? What is it? It's already what is it? What is it? Relax? No, what is it? Will you let me chaperone you on a date? Like can I be there while you're on the date do my moves are already pure My moves are pure dude. I have a okay. Let me propose something else. I Have a system down. Would it be chill? Yeah, if you told me where the date was and I did like a private investigator like watch you from afar

But you can never show yourself. I swear to God. I will not I swear to God I swear to God, but yeah when you go back to your house or whatever Yeah, and or you go back to her place or a hotel or wherever you guys go Yeah, I have to be able to have access to see it. So you have to like leave a blind open or like Now about this, huh? I'll do that. Yeah, if we do a thing like Don Rickle with Frank Sinatra did it with Don Rickles. Love. Yeah, I mean it's like one of those things were I heard Decaprio does it where he'll just go up the table and like if somebody's on a date This guy's a great guy. He's like one of the best like make me look good

Do you know this story? No Don Rickles or Frank Sinatra apparently Frank Don Rickles went up to Sinatra and was like Hey, I'm gonna date with this pretty girl. I want you to come they find themselves at the same restaurant Yeah, right because she goes. Oh my god, there's Frank Sinatra and he goes Oh, I know him right and he goes to the table and what does he say go ahead? No, no He says to Frank. I want you to come over and introduce yourself to this girl that I'm dating the presser Da da da Frank's like alright and he Frank Don goes since it down and then moments later Sinatra comes walking over and in the middle of the you know Middle of the meal Frank's like hey

Just want to say hi Don is like one of the best guys and Don Rickle looked up and he's like I'm eating Can't you say I'm eating a meal on a date with a girl? So great, it's great, but but we can't do that if the girl knows who I am through you So she know but it's so weird the some of the girls. I'm dating. They don't know who you are great That's great. So you don't know they don't know they know vaguely that I'm a comedian Okay, good. Let's make sure to keep it away from a girl who doesn't know your comment who doesn't know the show No, they know I'm a comedian right, but they just don't know the familiarity is of like who I asked them I go do you know who burnt Christ? I got I don't know if the girl doesn't know our podcast

Yeah, then I'll play that game with you, but it what's the game because it can't be that What do you mean? I want a different scenario. I don't want to get you see I'm eating Well, how about this? Yeah, how about this? Yeah, how about this? Yeah We find out where you're eating. She doesn't know who I am. Yeah, we taught we call the restaurant You know, we've pulled in a favor and let me serve you guys for the night. I Will 100% do that. There's no why why I don't want that. I won't fuck it up I wanted to be in and out. You want to go to in and out burger? No, I want you to Be not I don't want you to be you. No, I'll be a character when I'm serving you guys

I want you to have a suit. This is better You're a suit like an agent bigger Wall Street, no like in the business. I produced you produce movies So I'm a producer and I wear a suit your suit You come you come to the table. Yeah, and go and you say something very like complimentary So I'm eating. Let's say let's just act it out. Okay. All right. Are you enjoying your smorgasbord? Yes, thanks great so much Morgan. Yeah, it's such a good stroganoff here at this restaurant What is that stroganoff? Is that right? It's like a meaty noodle II?

Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt How good is this stroganoff at this place? Oh, it's really good. Yeah. All right. Have a good night. That's not what I want That's absolutely not what I want. Okay. Okay. That's absolutely not what I'm gonna hold on. Yeah. Yeah Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt you guys. I'm sorry. Yeah, wow, you have beautiful eyes Wow, that's your reaction. Sorry. I'm a big you've got to do something about it I'm gonna big producer in Hollywood. Oh, what do you have your produce? Narnia blah blah blah I don't Yeah, just I mean well blah blah blah is this that's a new note that we have a film blah blah blah come out

All right, Jordan Peele blah blah blah. Oh, yeah, we kind of stay in line with these vague titles that he's doing We really like it. You know, like nope and, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so I just wanted to tell you, I think you are such a talented actor and comedian. Oh, thank you.

And I just, and what is that smell? You smell so good. What is your name? I'm Juicy. No, lady. Wait, what is my name? Wait, what is my name? Lady.

Pick a name. Pick a name. Oh, my name, my name is Cynthia. Cynthia. Cynthia. Cynthia. I got to be honest with you. I'm sorry.

I want to get back to you, but I just, God, you are stunning. Beautiful. Are you sure you're not just smelling the stroganoff? No, that doesn't, I'm smelling something different. I am smelling the stroganoff. Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry. Sorry.

I am an actress. You are? Yeah. Oh, wow. Sorry. Cynthia. What about back to me? And this is what he was talking about eating pussy.

You made it about you again. Let it be about her. I feel like this executive is trying to get this pussy though. He's not. Yeah. I feel the energy go toward you. Cynthia, do you feel that? Yeah.

Right, right. First of all, he's being polite. He's being polite. Stop. Don't break the fucking. All right. Cynthia. Cynthia, what's your last name?

Cynthia. Why do you have to look at the ceiling? She's on the spectrum. She's on the spectrum. She's on the spectrum. I noticed that. Yeah. She always look at the ceiling when she has to say something.

Oh, what's your last name again? Chang. Oh, Cynthia Chang. It is? Your name is Cynthia Chang? Yeah. Wow. My last name is Boris.

I haven't changed my name back. Oh. Asian fetish. Got it. I'm Asian. That's all she does. I like it. Yeah.

So I just want to let you know I'm a huge producer in Hollywood. Thank you. And we have a role. Anyway. We have a role for you and blah, blah, blah. You do? Yes. But unfortunately, we're going to have to have you, you would have to leave the dinner

right now and go to set. There is a, there is a, the role right now. They're shooting right now. Right now. Yeah. No negotiation. I don't know. What am I getting paid?

What? Free? No. Oh. I mean, I just assumed a guy like you would get a million dollars a role. I'm in. Well. Goodbye, Cynthia.

You see. For that. Bobby. Yeah. Fuck Cynthia. No, no. Good luck. I'll give you money.

I go. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, as your friend. Cynthia Chang. Was that your last name again? Yes.

I feel like Cynthia Chang would know. I would look at her go. Listen, I'm so sorry. Raincheck. I'm going to go for the dinner. I'm going to do blah, blah, blah. Who's in blah, blah, blah? Jordan Peel.

No, who's directing? Jordan's directing. I would be weird that Jordan wouldn't call me. Adam Scott is the star. I love him. Right. And when am I playing? Adam Scott's fuck toy.

Cynthia. Bye-bye. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Let's how the dinner really will go. You'll be on a dinner date and I'll walk up and I'll go. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. I'm a massive Hollywood producer. Okay. That's weird to open that way. Sure it is.

But I can say that because I'm super rich and famous. Okay. What's your name? Borgeson. Hey, Borgeson. Borgeson. Borgeson. Borgeson.

It's not that hard. Borgeson. Correct. Hello. Thank you. And I got to tell you. Yeah. I haven't wanted to work with you for so long.

Thank you. I can't get a hold of your team. Really? I've been calling and calling and calling. That's odd, Borgeson. Why would it be? That's weird. I mean Borgeson.

Okay. But I try to get a hold of your team and for some reason. I'm sorry. I cannot get a hold of them. Okay. So I want you to be a part of this thing with me, Randall. I just, I need you in it. Randall?

What? What? What? Yeah. Randall? Do you go by Randy? Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Cynthia? Yeah. Sir, I'm sorry. What's it? No, I'm sorry. I think you think I'm Randall Park? You're not Randall Park? No.

Oh my God. Wait. Okay. You're not Randall Park? Wait. You think I'm Randall Park, Cynthia? I thought. Yeah.

I'm Bobby Lee. Oh, gross. No. Uh-oh. Hot dog. I do want to put you in. Yeah. Yeah.

You don't know my skillset? Uh-oh. Hot dog guy. By the way. Yeah. Herb is taking you as well. Fantastic. Juicy.

Let me just do this. I'm serious. Let me talk to a restaurant. We'll shoot it. And we won't do anything rude or fucked up. But let me be a server. And you'll never reveal that this is shot. And then we'll have to air at one point.

So we'll have to tell her that this is a prank. That's fine. It's not really a prank. There is no joke. Because she'll definitely not know me. Let me go up and get your autograph. So good. Great.

Can we do this, please? Okay. Please? Okay. It'll be so much fucking fun. It's going to backfire. I can feel it. But let's do it.

In what regard? If I'm on a date. And I don't know. And characters come up. Right. And I'm like. Sounds cool. Sounds fun.

I know it does fun. Right. And no one tells me. Right. And then a month later, I see it online. Check it out. We're never going to make her look bad. Never.

Ever. I'm not going to say anything negative towards her. It's just going to be goofy, funny stuff to see how she reacts. And by the way, this is a testament to how cool she is as a chick. If she's down with you and knows you're going to be a comedian for the rest of your fucking life, you're going to be surrounded by weird, strange people. Can I tell her afterwards? That night?

Of course. You can never tell her. She has to see it herself. She has to see herself. No, no. Of course you can tell her afterwards. But I mean, it would be so fun to see how she reacts. If a server comes up and starts rattling off bullshit and then a fan comes up.

You know what I mean? Then we can even get... Okay, let's do it. You down? I want to do it. You'll hide your cameras? Yeah. And so you'd have to be...

They're going to shoot it on iPhones. And we're going to have my... And I'm going to be mic'd up and we'll put a mic at the table. I'll be mic'd. You need to be mic'd and we'll have the mic at the table for her. Hidden camera. We can do it. We can do it.

We can do it. We can do it. We can do it. We can do it. We can do it. Oh my God, it's going to be great. Oh, that's good too. And by the way, at the end of it all, if she's like, fuck this, I didn't like that.

We don't have to air it. Yeah, but then she's done with me. Okay. That's fine. That's a price I'm willing to pay. That's right. Okay. That's right, Cynthia Chang.

Right. By the way, if she's not cool enough to go along with something so monotonous, how is she going to date a fuck... A you? Because... Do you know who you are? I know, but if there's a camera, I'm going to be acting. Don't act.

No, I would have to say funny things. Well, do it then. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, that's your nature. You're going to say funny things on a date with her anyway. Do you... Are you not funny on dates? Yeah, I don't lie, but if there's a camera, I'd say ridiculous things like, yeah, I do

naked skydiving in the weekends. And what would she say? She'd say, well, I want to go home. I don't like that. I go, no, we're going now. Skydiving naked? Yeah. Strap me up.

You put on a strap on. She puts on a strap on. Fucks you. Yeah. That's tandem. Wait a minute. Are you not funny on dates? Not really.

You're not like sweet. I'm cute. You're cute. Yeah. Like what does that mean? Like I'll do twitches. What? What does that mean?

Oh, like you have a... Yeah, like I do things to make me seem eccentric. Eccentric. Eccentric. Yeah, yeah. Eccentric. Eccentric. Eccentric.

Eccentric. Borgeson. Borgeson. So wait a minute. What do you do? You do things to do... What do you say? I'll go like...

Do a little weird thing. Oh my God. We have a different definition of what cute is. And then they'll go, what is that? I have twitches. Is that what you really do? Yeah. You do stuff weird stuff like that.

I do another thing where I'll step away from the table. Yeah. Like she'll say something and I'll think it's shocking and I'll walk away. If she's like... She'll say something like, I don't know much about the Beatles and I'll go, and I'll walk away and I'll do like a little shake, you know what I mean? And come back. And come back.

That's actually kind of funny. That's cute. Yeah. Right? How about when it comes to time to pay the bill? Oh, I tell them beforehand that you'll never pay. Really? Oh yeah.

See, I think you should slide them the bill and see what they do. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know. I think... See, that's... I think that's fun. I don't... No, that's not cute.

You slide in the bill and then you go... Really? I think it's funny just to see how they react. Yeah. Or you know what you should do is you go... You pull out a card and go, do you want to... Do you want... And then they'll think you're going to split it.

You're like, do you want to go one quarter of me? Oh my God. The dread of it. One quarter of me, one three quarters of you? Yeah. Because you did eat a lot more bread. Well, then I would have to go all the way then. So I'll go like this.

You get this, right? And I know I picked you up, but you found your right home? You got your own right home? What do you think of that? You know, you should ask. I dare you to ask. Be like, can I have five bucks for gas? What?

Gas has gotten out of control. Just throw me a five. Five. Five gas, please. Yeah. It's not that big of a deal. Okay. Or you know what you should...

Or how about this? Oh God, I would love to do all this stuff if I was the server. Like if the server has no... I would have no idea who you are. I'm not a fan. Yeah. Because I don't want to do a fan thing. I'm just being that annoying server.

I'm like, can I get you guys something to drink? And then she... Does the girl get a drink when she's on a date with you? Yeah. I let them. I explained to them. I don't... It doesn't freak me out if you want to drink and drink.

Right, you don't. Right. I want to make them, you know, feel comfortable. So I would say, ma'am, are you... What would you like? What kind of drink would you like? I'll have whiskey on the rocks. Oh, whiskey, wonderful.

Now make it a double. A double. Make it a long island iced tea. Two drinks at once? Yeah. Sounds good. I like to chase the whiskey down. Smart.

Sir, to drink? Diet Coke. Oh, do you not want anything to drink? No. Are you sober? Yes. Oh, you are? Yeah.

You got to get rid of this sober fucking loser. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. How about if I have a contract? What is it? I go, in the middle of the dinner, I go, oh, by the way, I forgot to do this in the beginning. I have a contract. Like an NDA.

I have to pull it out. That's so funny. And that's got weird shit on it. But you know what it has to be? It has to be like a scroll. Yeah, it's like a scroll. Yeah, you have to have a scroll. Oh, like a Dead Sea Scroll.

Yeah. So it looks old. Yeah. Can you get old paper? Papyrus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Papyrus, he knows where to get it. I've shown thousands of women.

Yeah. It's got to have one of those things. You know how you roll the roller thing? Yeah. Yeah. And just go, just sign anywhere. Right, so I have to write. And it's got to be in, like, like it's made.

Feather pen. Feather pen, but it's something like blood writing. It's red. It's red. Yeah. Right. And you're like, don't worry, it's my blood, but it's old. To whom it may concern?

No, just sign your name. No, no, no. It's got to have all the things on it, though. Yeah. Oh, well, it's going to say. Yeah, what is it going to say? I can no longer, I can never again speak of this incident for the rest of my life, for the rest of my natural born life.

My natural born life. So they can't talk about you ever again. Right. You have to do the ancient moon ritual Korean style. Oh. On the 23rd of every month. And then she has to ask me about that. That's good.

And also you should get one of those thumbprint things. I get a little ink for make her put a thumbprint on there. What are those people? The notary guy? That's what a notary. Yeah. We have to have a notary guy there. That's great, right?

You play the notary guy. I'll be the notary. Right. I have a notary guy, right? And you do the thumb thing, right? Your thumb. This is good. This is good, right?

This is really good, right? The third line is what? The third line of the contract? Yeah, it is. Yeah. You have to, well, you have to have sex. You have to have sex with Bobby. Something like that.

Yeah. That's fucked up. But how do, you know? Yeah. We can't just make them sign yes to having sex with you. Right. Yeah. That seems bad.

How about in parentheses, optional? I might have, check yes for might have sex with Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might have and then have a yes and no thing. Correct. Aw. Oh, no, like kindergarten, it just says, would you want to ever have sex with me? Circle one.

Yes or no? Do you want to bang bang? Do you want to bang bang? Yeah, yeah, yes or no? Yes or no? Yeah, yeah. And she circles? Oh, parentheses, optional.

No, no, no, it's either yes or no. Okay. Or maybe. Or maybe. Or maybe. Or maybe. Or maybe. Or maybe.

Or probably. Right. No, you know what? It should be the scale of one to five, how they do strongly disagree, strongly agree. Right. Can I bring my trumpet? And go, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. We got to shoot this.

Yeah. She's got to shoot this date. And here's the deal. Right. I have a buddy. Yeah. Who has a place. Yeah.

A restaurant where they have like a private room, one of those like, you know, like a, and it's perfect. We can put it in the private room because you'll tell her it's special, but this way she won't be embarrassed because it won't be in front of other people. Right. And then we need a dwarf. I'm going to call Brad Williams right now. Yeah, yeah.

No, you know what? What? Let's get Brad Williams a red wig to look like me. And then in one scene, I'll go, oh, I forgot your green beans. And then I leave and he brings back the green beans. Right. Wearing the exact same thing I'm wearing. Right.

I don't talk about it. I come in sometimes. He comes in sometimes. That's awesome. So we have to establish your name first so I can call him the same thing. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

No, you'll go out. Like I'll say my name's. Jing. Jing. My name's Jing. Yeah, yeah. And then I drop stuff off and you go, you'll deliberately go, say your name and I go, oh, Jing.

Sorry, I should have been Jing. Right. And then when he comes in, go, sorry, say your name again. Brad comes in. And he goes, Jing. I should already know. You just call him Jing national. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got it. To confuse her. So are you the same waiter? You probably wouldn't remember the waiter's name. Okay. Whatever. I'll figure that out later. Yeah.

We're doing this. Okay. You got to find a girl who has no idea about the podcast. Doesn't really like the comedy world and we got to do it. Okay. And I'll call up my buddy. We'll put fancy to work. Okay.

We'll do it. I'm so excited. I'm so excited too. But I'm also a little nervous for you. I'm nervous too. Why? Just because I don't, I know it's going to be different for you. It's going to be hard.

No, if it's for the cameras and for a bit, I'll do it. That's right. Because if it's not, it's even hard. That's weird. I would never do it for, if it's not recorded. Oh, can I just say that I did something the other night and I feel so bad about it. Yes, I love this. And I feel so bad.

And I don't, I think he's mad at me. So Jeremiah Watkins was on before me in the OR and he had a camera set up. Right. And while he was on stage, I just stood him from the camera. Back or face friendly. What? Back or face friendly. I just stared at it.

You stared into the lens. In the lens. And then at one point I moved it for a while. It's great. It's facing the wall. Very funny. And then he says, good night. I put it back in place and then I went up on stage and I, can I call him?

Yes. Yeah. Let's see if he knows, knows what happened. All right. He reviewed the tape. You know, Jeremiah's reviewed it the moment he got home. That's so funny. Yeah.

And all the dormant, everyone was laughing. Why do you think he's mad? He didn't say anything to you yet. Did he text you? No. Did you know he's fucking upset? Let's just see. I mean, I think my money's on, he's bummed.

Yo, yo. Yeah. The other night when you were recording, did you see the tape? Yeah. You messed my freaking footage, dude. Are you mad? I'm not thrilled about it, dude. Really?

I was trying to tape a set, man. Are you mad, though? I'm not thrilled with you, man. You're not thrilled. I'm not thrilled. It wasn't funny at all in any way. I mean, you know, in a Bobby way, where I'm like, oh, Bobby. So you saw me.

So what did I do on the tape? I stared in it. You showed them like your nipples and stuff. Oh, yeah. I showed my nipples. That's right. I showed my nipples and then what else happened? Yeah.

And I was like, oh, OK. Classic comedy. I get it. It's funnier than what I'm doing on stage. And then I moved the camera for a bit. Well, that's what pissed me off is the moving of the camera. That lens is like giant on that thing. Yeah.

And then while you're moving, I was like, is he about to drop this camera? Oh, right, right, right. So there is a little anger. Dude, you know I have a dormant anger within me. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Well, because I talked to Saul at the cover booth and he goes, he goes, yeah, I told

Bobby to do that. I go, oh, you're both on my list now, man. Oh, I'm on your list. I'm on your list. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. I'll double down.

What do you mean you'll double down? I'm going to double down. And I'm going to tell you something. You're doubling down. I'm going to tell you anytime you set up a camera. Oh, my God. At the comedy store, they'll be mischief. What if I'm trying to get a freaking tape, dude?

You don't need a tape, man. You should submit the one with Bobby. OK. So I dare you. You dare me to freaking what, dude? Set up a camera. Are we reopening up another war, dude? Yeah, dude.

I'll have a war, dude, with you. All right. I dare you. Set up a camera. You're not going to see a set. I'll tell you that right now. Oh, my God. Dude, you're going to force me to have somebody sit with the camera.

Oh, my God. Bobby's starting a war, dude. I love starting wars, dude. That's crazy. War. War. War. Bobby is starting a war with Jeremy.

I love starting a war. Because he was butthurt. He was upset. He was funny. It was funny. Yeah. Because I could see if he was doing, like, you know, a late night spot. He's doing, you know, Jimmy Kimmel.

Yeah. And I walk in front of the camera there. Maybe he is. I mean, that'd be hilarious. That'd be hilarious. That would be so funny. If I told Jimmy, I'd go, I know Jeremy has a late spot. And walk in front of the camera.

Can I just walk in front of the camera? It would crush, by the way. It would crush. It would be insane. It would be insane. Did he say he had a set for something? Yeah. Always filming for taping?

To tape? Yeah. And he has to do it again, I think. Well, yeah. I'm going to call. I need to know where his spots are. All you have to do is call. You know who to call.

I'm going to call. And I'm going to see. You want to do some? Please do some. I just like supporting this beef between you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this is very funny. It's so fun to do.

You looked in the camera? I looked right in the camera for about two, three minutes. And I did a couple of dances. So he really... Also, the people in the back, the audience members. Loving it. Were laughing. And he thought that he was...

They were laughing because of him crushing. Yes. But they were really laughing because I was being really funny back there. All right. Well, we know what we're doing now. Yeah, yeah. We're setting up a fun date for you and we're continuing this war between you and Jeremiah. What do you guys think?

Yeah, it's true. I think we're in. I knew he was upset. Yeah, I could tell. He definitely... He had that... No, no, it's fine. But it's not fine.

It's not fine. No. I love it. Well, let's see where this fucking Watkins Lee beef goes. Yeah. I'm excited. It's pretty cool. Watkins Lee beef.

It's pretty good. Watkins Lee beef. I want to say this to the fans before we go. We're working on the tour for next year. We're working very hard. Also, we're going to probably do a couple more bad friends live at the store before we do that. We're figuring out dates and all that stuff.

So, in the meantime, we love you. We've also got Christmas merch coming up. Holiday merch is going to be coming very soon. Let's say goodbye at the same time. Thank you for being a bad friend.