Bad Friends - Good Cop, Black Cop

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

New Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors:  https://betterhelp.com/badfriends &  http://hellotushy.com/badfriends & http://shipstation.com code: BADFRIENDS &  https://www.bespokepost.com code: BADFRIENDS YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriends 0:00 Andrew's Tour Dates  0:37 Black Judas and the Scissor Bros.  8:59 Watermelon Sugar High  16:22 Asian Stereotypes   25:43 Bobby's Dirty, Smelly Car  32:58 Rudy Sings Harry Styles  38:12 The Good Cop, Black Cop Routine  49:59 Bobby's World  57:27 Nose to Nose, Tip to Tip More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andres Rosende & Pete Forthun This podcast episode was sponsored by Candy Crush Sponsorships: on for this episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends, I'm on tour. Come see me this weekend. I'm going to be in Florida at Fort Lauderdale. Go to AndrewSantino.com. And also New Year's Eve. I'm going to be in Phoenix doing New Year's shows. And then all next year, I'm everywhere. Go to AndrewSantino.com, AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

Hey, guys. I'm Steve. What's going on? It's really good to be here, and, you know. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? My dude. I'm an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Hey, Andrew. You want to see Judas? Right here, boy. The Sussan bro is in the building. Yeah.

Black Judas, boy. Hold on. Look at this, boy. Look at the photo. Hey, man. That's it. Oh. Oh, I've never seen his face like that.

Holy shit. That was real anger. Oh, that was a pure rage. Washing over his face. This is insane, dude. They were like, Bobby and Tino will love this. Come through, and I say, you know what? No, no, we're not.

We're not. What is it? What is this we're going to love? I don't love this shit. Yeah, I don't love it either. Dude, they're biting off of our shit. Now it's whack. It's whack to you?

Talking to the mic, dawg. I think you're a pro, dawg. It's whack, man. I thought it was. No, dude, dude. What it is, is Shakespearean betrayal. This is betrayal. Look at all these little knives on our backs.

We're doing a Scissor Brothers. We have to put the stuff on. What is this? It's Scissor Brothers Club. Is this Jeremiah? Yeah. Oh, right. You remember?

Right. You remember? Is this brand new? This is? Yep. Do we have to wear the shirts? The shirt is there. I don't know why.

What is that? Do I get an instrument? Oh, straight up. Do you know what this is called? You don't know, do you? Recorder. Wow. I used to play it.

Can you rip? No. You have an accordion in front of you. Oh. I have an accordion in front of you. You have an accordion in front of you. You have an accordion in front of you. Careful.

I love Doc, yeah, he's gay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That ain't. That's really good. Pretty good. That was about my first time. Actually, it was pretty good. My friend, Doc, he gay.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm improving. Every time I do it. Can you come up with a riff? Ready? Yeah.

Rudy. That's it. You know what? I want to be supportive. I want to be supportive. That's a very good premise. A beginning. Hold on.

Rudy. Doc. Fancy. Oh. And then George. And then Pete. Fuck this. I don't like it.

Bro, if you were an Indian dude. Yeah. A snake would not come out of the phone. They would just be like, because that song sucks. He'd just be just. Yeah. Yeah. What's he playing?

Yeah. I'm not going to do my little thing. This is for though. No, I don't want to talk. I don't want to do this. Why are we promoting these guys? I know. Fuck this shit, man.

Fuck these guys. That's exactly what I was saying. I don't like this, dude. OK. This is giving this show more attention, these guys, and they don't deserve it. What the fuck is this? Look at his fucking shirt.

What? Look at his fucking shirt. Oh my fucking god. You bore the fucking shit. Isn't there the wrong with this, fellas? Yeah. We're connected. No, no, no.

We're connected. We're connected. We're connected. We're connected. We're connected. No, no, no. What does it say on the back? Dude, dude, dude.

Trader? You know what it's like, dude? Those guys have Jersey? It's like a Manchester United team, like Christiana Ronaldo. Christiana Ronaldo walking into the Old Trafford training room. Right. With a fucking Manchester City sweatshirt. That's exact.

That's Man City. You know what they would have done? They would fucking burn him alive. Wow. They would burn him alive in Old Trafford, and no one would ever talk to him about it again. I don't know what I did. You don't want to burn me?

Because of the climate? Because of the culture? The culture. So if this happened eight years ago, you would have been burned, bro. Just burned. Hot doc. Yeah. Hot doc.

Hot doc. All right, so real quick, real quick, bro, take that off. Oh, you really want me to take? Okay. 100%. Yeah. Let's get up out of this right away. I want you to take that off.

Did they give that to you? Yeah. Let me see it. You know who they bet that from? Dumbfounded. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice. Here, doc, put this on instead. That's your Jeremiah today. Yeah, yeah. Give me that jersey real fast. Yeah. Okay, hold on. I won't destroy it.

I won't destroy it. I'll be right back. Where are you going? You're right back. Hey, guys. I'm Steve. I own 47, but I act like I'm 12. Are you tired, Rudy?

No. Rub in your eyes. Well, Rudy has done a little change because what happened to Rudy last night is she left the house at night. She came back a different person. Where does she go? You ask? She went to the Harry Styles concert.

Oh, my God. The H Styles? Yeah. Yeah. How cutie, patootie is he? He's so amazing, magical, perfect. Okay. I love him so much.

I know. What's one of his songs? What do you mean? I'm sorry, by the way. Never coming back out. Can't you see it? I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. 'Cannot you look out Can't you see if things just stayed the same. Nananana- Is this a hit? Yeah. Nanananana. No, wait. The lyrics were so bad.

Say it. Don't say it. Just say. What do you mean? I'm sorry, by the way. Never coming back down, can't you see? You're still singing it? Yeah, you can't, you just talk it.

You just talk it. But I want to sing it! Alright! You know what? I'd love to hear another one. Let's hear another one. Yeah, hear another Harry Styles song. Watermelon sugar, hi!

That song I love. Watermelon sugar, hi! Watermelon sugar, hi! Watermelon sugar, hi! Watermelon sugar, hi! Watermelon sugar, doc, hi! We have Tammy Faye Baker in the room. Back from the dead!

Oh my god, dude, if he had a Sunday morning church service on TV, right, he wouldn't get a lot of followers, maybe eight, but those eight would die for him. Let me hear what you have to say to us, please. Preacher! Preacher! Preacher, doc! I have come to unite the public. I am somebody special.

Love me or hate me. I love my goddamn self. And tonight, is this preacher a narcissist? Yeah. I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to. Yeah, but preachers don't gloat like, I'm the best preacher in the world. Oh, they don't?

No. Oh, they talk about Jesus a little bit. It's just to be humble and talk about God or whatever. Start over. Start over. Start over. Okay. Tonight, we're going to talk about the Lord.

Then after that, you talk about me. Now, God is good. God is good. But I'm great. Amen. Can I get him in? He's a selfish preacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, this is for the scissor bros. Yeah. No, don't do that. Don't do it. Tino, don't do it, date. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. It's my brother. Don't do it.

I don't care. Yeah, you do. I want you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it. I want to do it so bad, too. Because we're out of the studio. I want to light this whole thing on fire.

The thing is, is that my brother is very sensitive. And if you want to start a real war with him, that's not good for us. We would beat him. I don't know, but I don't want him to die. I know what it would be. I know. I know. I know we will defeat them.

I won't burn this because I know that's one of six shirts Doc owns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm J.K. and Doc. Doc dog. I know you got more than that. Anyway, so watermelon sugar. Hi. What's watermelon sugar?

Is that, I thought that was talking about, it's punani, isn't it? Yeah. It's about punani. Yeah. It's punani juice. That's what watermelon sugar is. Yeah, I've never. Do you know that?

That's punani. First of all, I've never eaten a pussy and thought watermelon. Let's ask Doc. Yeah, yeah. You can ask the black guy if he likes watermelon. I didn't. I think he did. I think he did.

Did I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty much. So let me ask you something. When you're listening to watermelon sugar high, Doc, in your car, right? What happened? Does your dick get hard or does your mouth water? My dick gets hard because bombshell.

I don't like watermelon. What? Yeah, I don't fucking like. He's just blowing my mind. You don't like watermelon at all. I love watermelon. You know what, Doc? It makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm glad you said that because I hate rice. I hate it. I hate it. So you don't like it. That's so funny. I don't want to get stereotypical in the show. We can ask at the same time. One, two, three.

Do you like fried chicken? What? What was I? I didn't say anything. You said fried chicken. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. I said, do you like fried?

I started sweating when you said, do you like? I said, French fried. I mean, do you like it? I love it. I love it. Do you like fried chicken? Love fried chicken. You have to be eating fried chicken.

Right. I love it with a pass. Dude, watermelon is the greatest fruit. So good. Ever in Vine. How do you not like watermelon? How do you not like it? I don't like it.

It just don't taste good. But if you put a little bit of chile on there and some lemon juice, shout out to East LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's good that way, bro. You don't fucking... Hey, that's how it goes. You're talking about tahin. You're talking about tahin, right?

Tahin, right? Yeah, tahin is good as fuck. Put that on there a little bit. Have you ever had a fruit park from the side of the road? I refuse. What? Yeah. I refuse.

Bob, watermelon with fresh tahin on it? Can't do it. It's fresh cut up pineapple and watermelon? Is it fresh? They cut it right there in front of you. Oh, I'll do it. Okay, we need to do it. Yeah, yeah.

But it's not like pre-packaged for it. No, they cut it right in front of you. My bad. My bad. Mango, pineapple, watermelon, and then... Let me ask you another thing. So what's the stereotype? The stereotype is black people like...

Can't swim. I've never even heard of that before. Can't swim? I have, but I haven't. I have, but I haven't. Okay, let's go through all the stereotypes of all of us. Let's go through the stereotypes of all races. All right, so we'll start with Doc.

The ones that are in the room. Okay. You're right. The ones in the room, I feel like we can do it because we need somebody to defend themselves. Correct. All right, so let's go with black first because we're already on the topic of it. Yeah. Right?

Doc doesn't like watermelon. That's crazy. Never heard of that before. Does like fried chicken. Loves it. Love it. Can't swim? Can't swim.

How good? I'm good at, you know, maybe half a pool, you know what I'm saying? All right, but let me ask... What happens when you get a halfway point of the pool? He drowns. He drowns. He falls in the bottom. So you can't swim.

He falls in the bottom. Like, man, you know I'm doing a good job. Yeah, yeah. He just drops to the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. It leaves us the effort, Doc. Let me ask you this, Doc.

So if Andrew and I had a boat... Okay, let's go sailing. Deep, deep... Not deep fish. Deep sea... Deep sea sailing. Deep sea sailing. Deep sea sailing.

Oh, it's fishing, right? Yeah. Come, we threw you overboard as a joke. Right? How long would you be able to stay out there alive, you think? About a half a pool like I told you. No, that's not the way... He's talking about how long could you tread water for?

Oh, tread water. Maybe about a good 35 seconds or something like that. Yeah, he's out. He's out. He's still on a day of the parade. He gets... You can't tread water for 35 seconds. Yeah, you're dead.

You're a dead... You would have been the first one to die on the Titanic. Who gets you if you can tread? Right? Yeah, probably you don't know Andrew and I could wade in the ocean. Yeah for at least six hours before I die You float God. He floats. Yeah, he's float. He's got a father. Oh, we gotta like do this at a pool I gotta see this. You can eat amazing. He floats. I'm not gonna do six hours of Shit to do man

Public pool Deep-end so mouthy but he looks like a preacher right now Did you go to the Harry Styles concert too, that's what it feels like Yeah, so are you have wine in that thing again? How did you know cuz I can smell it? drinking on the job All right, so the other one was what a no dad Yeah, well, well, yeah, but don't bring up the dad

We talked about it. Don't bring it up. We all got dad problems Yeah It is well, you got to know somebody in jail if you're black Yeah, yeah, I saw it. Do you know somebody in jail right now? Told you What is he in for Can I tell you what he did Let's get he had like a dime bag of weed awful

Well, it was murder. It was something like that. Yeah Well, so anyway, so fucked up you can swim so that's broken right you hate watermelon that's their type of broken Okay What Bbc big black cock Everyone stop talking stop time for that. How the fuck do you know what bbc means? She does just know I don't know But big black I know now

Right, but I didn't know wait a minute You don't know if he has a bbc or not. You better not know. I don't know. It's just a stereotype Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, but you said it a little too. Yeah, you're sure Let me ask you this Jules and this is and dogs that could be offended and I want an answer from you an honest answer Do you think that he has a bbc? Yeah Exactly no, she said maybe there's no way Standard oh, yeah, you see standard cock bro walking around here in my standard, you know

Do you know what that is an IBC? Yeah standard is standard issued black cock? I think that's something I would ask once I was about to get fucked in the ass. I would turn around and go is it standard? you advanced It's from the future. Oh, I got. All right. Is there any other stereotypes that you know Rudy That's it. That's it. All right, let's do Bobby. Korean specifically?

I think Asians. You got to take Asians. Go ahead. I could have defended. Well, because you and her are going to have some overlap. Why? Well, you're both Asian. Right.

But from different parts. I know. But the dog thing is the dog thing. What dog thing? I don't know the dog thing. We love them. That you eat them. No.

No. You do. Me specifically? Your people. That's true. Your people. My- Your people.

You people love dogs. Yeah. Traditionally, your people like dogs. But I have to argue, though, that poor white people eat shit like squirrels and snakes and shit, right? 100% true. We're gonna get to whites and whites. I like that raccoon.

Yeah, they chow down on some raccoons, boy. And he- But he's Italian, though. He's not- And Irish. I got both. Oh, you got- oh, wow. Yeah.

Hey, Doc? Fucking white white. No, but it's I he's white. I tell you it's a little different, bro. They're not They're like I think they're like the black people white people, but that's just I'm not on no, no, I don't know That's right doc. Would that be correct or not? Yeah. Yeah, you're correct. Okay. Let's go to Asians You don't like dog That's a bro Shattered you like dog. She likes to taste dog I don't know the way you responded. I love dogs. I care for dogs

Say I I don't eat dogs say that I don't eat dog. All right. Can we edit that to just plank out the don't part You hate rice No, I should do you love everyone loves rice wider brown I'm more of a white guy. No, I fuck with I fuck with purple Have you had purple rice? I like purple rice. Do you like purple rice? I do. Yeah Yeah, with the little beans in it. I thought for a second you were referring to You were using rice as a metaphor for other shit like what I thought you like perp you're saying you're talking about purples Okay, because Asians are purples dark purples dark purples. Yeah, but you like you prefer white rice over brown rice

I think I think how do you like your how do you like your rice taste for rice? You like your rice brown. He would see. Yeah, look, I've had brown rice. Look what the problem is the problem I think white is just better In terms of rice. Yes, I'm talking about rice. Yeah, so we in terms of rice. They're superior not healthier White rice is the most superior. They were born Superior superior yet Healthy, yeah, you're right. That's true. No white white rice is it healthier for you Drinking more he is

What when did you start drinking dog? I've been drinking y'all Remember when I used to park y'all curls. I was drinking he was boozing the whole time in the parking lot of the comedy store I'm dead serious at one time. I did actually smell on Doc's breath and I was like, man, is this drinking? I thought you know what it was and remember when when Eric was a general manager. He told me to stop Having a glass of wine when I was parking cars because I would always walk car to car with the glass Valet or anyone parking your car has a glass of wine with wine. Yeah, I'd be like, no, I'll park it myself But hide a beer. He's got a glass of wine. He's swirling it. Oh, yeah Yeah, I'll back it in

This is nutty Y'all should see the tannins in this motherfucker I know but when you wake up in the morning when you woke up doc when you woke up this morning Is that like an orange juice for you like you drink alcohol? No, no, no, no This is my my when the sun goes down two to three maybe four in an evening Wait, what glasses tight? Oh what glasses? That's a bottle of wine. Well, but Not every day at all every other day. Yes, I'm like

It's fine wait a minute You you're having a bottle of wine every other day. No, not every other day I would say well depends because I bought a 1.5 liter This is that's another stereotype black guys don't like wine usually do they no no he cracked another one another one Another one crack. I don't like beer. I don't like malt liquor. Well, malt liquor. That's yeah, right? Do you like Hennessy? No, when you smoke cigarettes, you like menthol Fuck you get cigarettes from I don't smoke cigarettes. I know if you do do smoke menthol. I Would guess yeah, me too. He does. Yeah, I guess that too

I feel like there's a bunch of cigarettes on the ground. They're like pick one now He would just grab the new port. Yeah, you smoke spirits, right? He smokes American spirits. What of it? Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, he smokes the regular ones. Oh fucking accuse me of smoking menthol dog What the fuck are you doing, bro? Wait, hold on. Let me backtrack for a second. I really do want to know Did you go to Harry's alone with a friend? Who was the friend grease? What's she what is she wait what she from school from school, huh? What is school done? When is school done? It's fucking November. I don't know when they're done with them You mean for the summer or just for the winter break. Oh, isn't this now? Aren't you done?

I'm done December 15. And when I say school, you're not going into school. Are you? Yeah, you don't have to do that I thought she graduated college. Oh, you're in college now. Yeah Yeah, she's in college. So we went from rice to dog. Is that it for you for Asians? Yeah rice dog. Yeah Drive in badly driving a badly You are a bad driver me specifically or my people you specifically your people. Yeah, but I wouldn't just do in stereo I wouldn't put that on my people though. That's just horrible You are like horrible driver like You don't only you don't only do it. I've ever seen with duct tape on his bumper. It's just

Bro, this guy would pull into the comedy store parking lot. Like what the fuck Bobby like this guy And then if his car get fixed it's fucked up the next week. I'm like this guy You don't give a shit about you. He just doesn't care about cars You don't care when I used to clean out your car used to pay me, you know, I'm done with you pointing at I'm done with the pointing bro. I'm gonna tell y'all something bad. Go ahead. Go ahead. This guy's car Is the dirtiest shit you would ever fucking like what's in it? It's too much. Yeah, dude. He's going off. I don't like it Hey, hey, hey on this show

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And diarrhea and fucking diarrhea. I'm not finished. Not just shit. I'm not fucking finished. You want from shit to diarrhea, dude All right, diarrhea. All right, go the zoo is every fucking bad Zoo combined Fucking fish tacos after they've been left outside for about two months. It's just like your your car stink, bro like that she used to be like Okay, no, I was a little angry. I was just a little angry my bad. It hurt your is it hurt your feeling? Rudy is any of that stuff true? Does the car smell? Yeah, it smells like poo and it's just really dirty But not diarrhea though regular poo. Thank you. Yeah, just regular poo. Yeah doc. You're exaggerating with diarrhea

Just regular regular poo dude. Yeah, it's nothing insane. Yeah, it's not runny shit Yeah, and like fish tacos have been out for a month. You know, maybe a week. Yeah How many days in a week though every day every day, right? You don't know which one is Yeah, anyway, so we got that that bad driver. I am your bad driver. You are bad at math What guarantee? Oh, so you're the opposite. I can barely add a plus 12 What'd you say? Yeah, it took him too long 8 plus 12 20. Okay. Yeah, but you had you said that What did you say to just to pause to get to the math in the head? 14 times 6. Yep 14 times 6. Yeah, don't you can't do it really? Yeah

Does anybody know real fast 240? No, what? 84 Pete that's it. Yeah, thanks. You got that? Yeah. Thank you. Uh, what else bad at math? Um, Andrew, I know what pixelated pixelated. Yeah Is it pixelated? What's pixelated your dick your cock because every time you watch asian porn. It's all like pixelated around the clock I just asked a question. Can I can I get an answer? That's all I wanted is an answer. I'll give you a fucking answer. This is still my show friend

I'll give you a fucking answer. All right Can I tell you something privately? They do pixelation in post fuckface It's not like a normal thing that occurs when we pull down our pants. It's just being pixelated. Okay, my bad I'm gonna be honest. Yeah when he said that I understood I understood but first of all, I'm I'm you should have been more offended. That's japanese penises Oh, there we go. He's korean. Japanese people do have weird pixelated vaginas and pussies But koreans don't okay. My bad. Thank you. I'm learning asian stereotype a small penis thing you do average your no I I do think you have a small penis, but it's not not embarrassingly small

It's all like it's supposed to be Your penis is just as big as it's supposed to be So average for you. Yes For grown men. No, I don't think You joke about it my god Can I tell what my gut says? What does your gut say? My gut says get the fuck out of here My gut saying leave now. All right. We just begun. I know we just did okay. That's why I'm staying I'm having fun. I know you are and doc is doc is doing doc is autocontrol. He's drunk as fuck. I know I love it

Oh, yes. All right. Okay, so but you do okay small dick. I got that one fine. Let's move on But we did say yes to that. No, I don't want to I'm not signing off on it. Say yes I'm not gonna say yes on it. Please say yes just to move on. Yeah, but do I have to mean it? You do Yes, okay. Good. Is that the last stereotype that we can think of for koreans? Do you know any? Um, take your time. Yeah, they're not listening. We have the capability of editing out 30 minutes of silence I just know for Koreans, they're usually handsome So does bobby break that stereotype? Absolutely

That's preposterous Did you on the thing jules? Yeah, interesting. No, go back to the mic Interesting that you say that what are you doing right now while you keep looking down Whatever you're you have knives. Yeah, I'm sorry. I went back off a bit I went back off a bit and this is not something that you can go crazy with knives for right, but what are you saying that? Koreans are generally good looking But bobby lee

Is ugly Not the same level Yes, I agree with it I thought about it why not I fucked it up I think I fucked it up like who are some handsome korean men Well, if you look at like I think she's referring to the people that are in kpop Yeah, or it just didn't people that are visually seen in the for the public. I guess

So you compare me with like bts bts john chow these types of people jet lee jet lee jet lee Also korean women. Yeah hot korean men. I mean wow Bolo from the new to dragon brucelly. Oh bollo. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Is that all the stereotypes? I think that's it. All right. Do me

Let's go jewels. Let's white's hard whites very hard because we're yeah whites are very hard What is that? He thinks he really generally believes in his heart. I know this guy. He generally believes in his heart that he's better than us Only in america. I know only in america right only in america because I can walk around and people go. Hello friend and I go. Hello Only in america and I go, excuse me. Do you know how to uh, can I have directions? I go, uh, we'll give them to you You know, and I can walk freely and then cops are like, sir. You were speeding. I'm like, I'm sorry and he's like get out of here Right. Yeah, but in afghanistan though Oh

No, none of us are going to fucking get in afghanistan, man. Nobody walks around No, but a korean dude a fat korean dude in afghanistan. Fuck man Just trying out, you know, yeah, yeah trying to find bro bro break him down a little bit He's only saying whatever that comes to mind. He does. Yeah. He does. Let it fly. Let it fly. Good What What kind of wine do you have in there? Pinot noir Small fucking likes barefoot pinot noir. Get it All right, let's do jewels. What about what about philippinos?

You know the most I know a lot so, um They're great Performers singers. Yeah, the dancing's off off the scale and you can do almost none of that You can't she can't sing or dance. Well, no the singing at the beginning of the episode was good Can we hear a little bit of let's hear a little bit more hair styles. Let's hear it ready go We'll be fine line We'll be fine line. Yeah, we'll be all right Sorry about that to the list. Let me if I bought that song off of itunes. I'd do an instant refund

What were you saying we'll be fine line we'll be fine line Yeah, yeah, it's okay. You can't sing drunk too. Yeah, she's drunk. Yeah, that's what it feels like Okay, can't sing. You can't can you dance? No box. Can you box? That's big big philippinos are huge boxers No, there's one guy that's good. It what sucks about the philippines one guy is good Yeah, but it's so small. I know but everyone goes, you know, mani packet mani packet one of the greatest of all time I know but it doesn't necessarily mean that like everyone can do it I don't know. Mike Tyson is one is probably the best of all time and You know

Okay, so what else for you a lot of men are actually women And actually a lot of women are actually men But I'm not a guy. I think their views on um gender gender and lgbt stuff and all that stuff is more evolved Wait a minute though Is are the Filipino people cool with it? Or is it they are they're more accepting like if you were a guy and you're dressing walking down the street Wearing a dress or whatever and they leave them alone. I think so. Yeah, do they didn't people don't bother people like that Yeah, you always see a guy like wearing really short shorts that you can almost see his penis They call them lady boys, right?

Yeah, lady boys. So when we went to the Philippines and we did um my talent show there in saboo We had a category that was like other So it could be anything right can be non gender. So we had a lot of jules was there. We had a lot of people that were um From that community right perform right and they were the greatest performers. I've ever seen in my fucking life They don't give a fuck. They like themselves on fire They just gas up like they don't give a fuck They'll jump over a wall. I'm sure like the bigots love that dog. Yeah, you should lie yourself on fire, but they are Dude, and I'm pitching a show

You know, I'm doing that right? Yeah Where it's um a talent show in the Philippines. Yeah, I'm gonna fly out two other comedians to be the judges Yeah, I'm right here. You want to go? Why wouldn't I go? I kill koi would be better You said two others, who's the other other someone else, but like, you know, oh my god, joy koi would be joe koi would be better What is he Filipino? Okay, joe koi, and then who else there's not another Filipino girl. I'm like this pad or something would be fun I get it. Okay. Anyway, so what is there anything? Is there anything else What are the stereotypes? I'm trying to figure out. Well, you know, Filipino is more than anything. You've lived with them for years. Uh,

You are Filipino partially. They feel comfortable walking around with no shoes. Is that things? Yeah, she She loves it. She lives no shoes. Do white. Do me. Okay. Do white or irish or italian What white so you guys like to um Wedge yourself in other people's situations. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? The best at it. You're the best at that Yeah, so that's a check check Right. Um, you like to I would really say your inner thoughts I feel uncomfortable right now Right whereas a lot of these things you should just keep to yourself. I gotta let it out. I know you don't but anyway

Yeah, you don't okay. Okay. So those are two two checks. Pop up. All right number three. Um Um You like to pretend right that you're you care about poor people And at times you're philanthropic and um giving but it's all to serve your own ego That's right You are the shit. That's too nice. What can I tell you? It's not it's too nice. Oh, he wants to do the real stuff Oh, fuck. Yeah. Go ahead. Give me the real rhythm fucking horrible in bed like

No, I ain't gonna say horrible in bed, but you know You know Barely average cocks. It's it's all over the place. Bobby. This is uh, I was gonna get that I don't you was kissing ass to me. Like you were an investigator. If I'm an investigator, right? If I'm interrogating this is good cop black cop. Yeah, if I'm interrogating if I'm interrogating, right? I'm murder suspect, right? I'm my first question isn't about the murder Right. I want to get into like, you know, so what were you July 12 during the day? Right, but you know, I can I say this you do massage the witness a little bit better

What do you mean? You massage the witness if in a in the beginning you don't go really straight to murder really good I think I'd be good. You would you'd you'd be like, what have you been up to lately? Yeah, you really kind of dig in I would even go and doc's like you a murderer, bro Yeah, let's say you're a murder suspect. I think the first thing I was like, oh cool sweatshirt Yeah, I'm a murder suspect. No, you know, you wouldn't bring the murder object in the fucking You're not gonna there's blood on it and fucking evidence. You're not gonna walk it like that. What do you want to know? Dripping with blood on my hand. Well, you know, uh, we found 15 school kids, you know what I mean stabbed with these little knives Yeah, yeah, I heard about it

Yeah, yeah, I heard about it and um, you are in possession with one. Oh, no, I just this is I was doing a school project myself Oh, you do. Yeah, what's the blood? What my blood? Maybe have that to do DNA testing. This is my scissor. Get it. We they would grab it. You would at some point Yeah, but what if I just put it up my ass? I'm sure they have the technology. Good luck getting that up. I farted right back out I would wedge it out of your butthole, right put it in one of those bags. Yeah, and that would just go to Any DNA spot? Yeah, wait investigate me like I'm a real murder suspect

Let's see how he would do it versus how you would do it. All right, so we're both coming in You're both cops. So what is he accused of and Rudy is a cop too. She's in there. So there's us three are in there Oh, it's not accused There's a murder and you have to and you have to figure out if I did it I understand that but who are you to the murder? This is what you're trying to figure out All right. All right. All right. So it was better than me. All right. So we walk in I'm arrested and I'm at the table. I have to do a thing where I walk in with you guys

You guys all walk in you go walk in together You're not walking in right you're gonna stay okay good. She's in the room They don't have any of those in there Oh a stenographer she's a stenographer inside the jail cell I want my phone call. I want my fucking lawyer. All right. Hello I want my lawyer. I want my phone call and I want my fucking lawyer right now It's unconstitutional what you guys are doing to me. Hi. So, um

I'm detective chow. Hi detective chow and this is um Detective Jackson detective Jackson Won Jackson won Jackson the detective won Jackson Um, we asked him to change his name, but he wouldn't you know, you don't look like a wine I know it's a little confusing. Well, you know, don't worry about that. Hey, you don't want to be in question Hey, all right one relax. How do you spell one? W on is that it? We got a smart one here. Bobby smart mom. Who's bob? I mean, uh, yeah Chow chow. What's your last name again? We're leaving work to get over 30 years

I do not know each other. Did you hit your head and had it ready? I apologize. What's your last name again? Well It's chow. This is officer chow. I remember when we were on my wedding. Okay. You were my best friend, but Are you okay? Do you need to step out? Do you need to step out for a second? Let me just Are you got it? Let me gather myself. Oh, no, no, stay here. Okay. So, um By the way, I'm using this in court to say that the fucking that the interrogator was is doesn't know his partner's name He's out of it and he's drunk on fucking wine. I'm winning this case immediately Already we're not gonna do mr. McGivans. Mr. McGivans. Hello. Hi. Hi Charlie Charlie McGivans. Hello Charlie. Yeah, nice sweatshirt. Oh, thanks a lot. Which get it. That's A&E's

Oh, yeah, yeah, you like comedy. It's an insane asylum. Oh, it is. It is clever name. Yeah, where's this insane asylum? Uh, right right here in LA in LA. Yeah, um, have you heard of uh Uh, that is insane asylum Let me tell you something cop. What do you want to fucking know? Anyway, I'm not playing games. All right So july 12th, where were you that day? Do you remember? It was a thursday. It's no it's november fucking 20 something. How would I know what I was in july? All right, where were you in july in july? Yeah, I'll tell you where I was on july 12th. Where? um

Don't look at him officer jackson and I got a call that a woman was chopped into 3000 little pieces Duck food What? Yeah, somebody chopped your wife up to make duck food My wife was killed six months ago and I never knew about it. What? What shut the fuck up jackson? Jackson you already know this jackson jackson. You already know this

Good Another episode of good cop black cop All right, good cop black. What so anyway, we found your your wife remains by the lake Yeah, I want you guys to find the killer. Why am I arrested? Because um on every little piece of every little piece of your wife, right? We found a fingerprint Really? Yeah on every little piece and whose fingerprint yours. Do you know why she's my fucking wife? We live together right what my point is is that dead body, huh? So on her dead body. Yeah, she was alive. What one point I was hugging her and kissing her. She's my wife and then someone killed her

That's why my fingerprints are on her. That's a very good argument, but We also found brain matter. Yeah Just Fingerprint marks on the brain. What about so how did you in the back of your trunk? What about that, huh? We'll get to that in a second jackson. Can we go to the brain? What about the can we go to the brain first? Thank you I Did you guys come in with a plan jackson?

Because really jackson's really sabotaging all this when they can't interrogate in here us or you Be quiet jackson This guy's something Shut the fuck up. Mr. Charles. Mr. We give it. I'm so sorry. How quickly would he be kicked off the force? I know. Can you wait here for a second? How about if we get a different partner? All right, so I'm we leave we come back right new partner new partner. You're still there in the room. So Mr. Jackson's still in the room because he is a detective

But I brought detective, uh origami. Oh, yeah, hi miss origami. Yeah, so um, hi. It's miss I said miss origami. You said mister. I think we should be hung up on that one point I'm trying to get you guys to catch some murder and you've arrested me for no reason Well, that right there you getting her name wrong proves that you killed your wife. All right, detective jackson jackson's off Yeah, you're on probation. You're you're on probation. All right Don't drink next time. Anyway, so jill I told you have no idea But we found every we found fingerprints on every even inside of her body the remains Yeah, how is your fingerprints on like inside of her body? Yeah, how do you love your wife, sir?

You've never put your hand inside of your wife's body. Yeah, but I haven't stuck my hand inside her brain Well, then you guys don't know really how to love each other That's real love. That's real love. Oh, I feel like you have got no evidence. You've got no case. Anyway. Well, anyway, thanks for coming in Thanks a lot No, we're not done. Yeah, we're done. No, we're not done. I'm getting a new staff. Wait, let's see what jackson I'm firing the two people working. Let me see what jackson. Let's see what jackson has to say Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead officer jackson. Now we're in court. We're in court He asked you the day and the time of the crime. Where were you?

On july 12th. Do you know exactly where you were on july 12th? That's insane. How could I know that? I don't know. I could tell you in the month of july my wife and I were both getting back from hawaii I had to go on a business trip. I have I've tickets to prove all that you said the month we asked you for today See what i'm talking about. That's why you gotta dig deep. You gotta dig deep jackson because this guy jackson knows he's Okay You okay, so you was on a vacation We were in hawaii together. Not a mistake. Yeah. Yeah Come serenity now. Yeah jackson you're on probation

Can you let me can you let me do what I told you? Him in this fucking wig is killing you I take criminals every day mr. Child or the So where were you? You you said the month yeah in the month of july but we said july 12th We got back we got back from hawaii the the end of the first week He started end of the first week in july. Maybe that was the fourth or the sixth And we were home the whole time together. Okay. Yeah But she was killed

Very good jackson very good jackson Yeah, I don't know I'm telling you on the on the 12th. We were together that day I went to work as I always do I came home and she was murdered. I told you guys that in the report You came home and she was murdered That's exactly what I said jackson. He's guilty He's done. I'm sorry jackson. Oh, you hear what he did you hear what he said, right? I'm sorry jackson. He came home And she was murdered

Jackson, this is America not the ukraine. I mean we have different ways. We need evidence Okay, your honor. He says he was home and she got killed. He is guilty. Yeah, he'd be the worst detective I think one of the worst of all time have all time. I thought I did pretty good Ship station Ship station. Are you shipping stuff? Then you should use ship station If you're selling anything online guys ship station is the thing for you That's what we've been using here at the show To ship out stuff that you get from us like bottoms of turtle island shirts or i'm a bad friend tease

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Be spoke post has a thing called the box of awesome Yeah, and what it is is the best Christmas gift you probably can give to anybody All right, so bobby got me a box of awesome, which I thought was very cute and sweet and I got a Garment bag you want to bring it to me bring it to bring me the garment bag Uh box of awesome, uh, is this incredible thing where it's got a collection for every part of your life You take this quiz a box of awesome.com your answers are going to help them pick the right box of awesome for you They release new boxes every single month across different categories. It's free to sign up Um, and then it only costs 45 bucks, but it has over 70 dollars worth of gear inside. Thanks. Thanks, george

Yeah, look at this bobby got me this it's blue because that's my favorite colors And this is very nice because it's very thoughtful. I don't own suits, but I do like to put shirts in here Yeah, that's why I got it for you. I know because I travel so wrinkly because I'm a wrinkly boy. Yeah, that's right Uh, but plus each box of awesome you're supporting a small business 90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome Is from a small and upcoming brand get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at box of awesome dot com And enter the code bad friends at checkout. That's box of awesome dot com code bad friends for 20% off your very first box It's just I don't know this man that's sitting in front of me right now doc. Yeah, he's confident. No, this is unlike him Why because he's usually quiet

To himself You know, he's sort of like this is black magic as he's come alive I know, but it's I've known him for 20 years. I've never seen him like this before He's drunk He was pumping himself up in the car. He's like, I'm going in. I'm a fuck Did you drive here? Yeah, I'm not drunk. This ain't no fucking Please wait like 30 minutes before you drive home. No, no, I'm not drunk You buzzed a little bit. No

I feel like I'm being interrogated again I feel like I'm not being honest I'm being honest too. I wouldn't I wouldn't play with y'all like that. Okay. Yeah, that's real talk Okay It's been a heavy episode It's been this episode has been interesting. It's been wild weird as fuck wild and weird. What is this? You like it? I think so. I think I like it. I like a lot. Yeah. Yeah It's a new depth

You go deeper and deeper in yourselves and you find Serendipity remember that word That's not what serendipity means Oh You said I said, what did you say it mean again? I fucking forgot serendipity serendipitous means like something That's kind of universally happening out of pure luck and randomness that comes together It's serendipity like it's it's serendipitous that bobby called you that day to be on the show

Uh, and it was serendipitous because it this worked out. Okay. Yeah, that's serendipitous. That's exactly what I'm telling you right now It worked out. Yeah. Yeah I Love you bobby. I love you too Little one. Are you are you going somewhere for Thanksgiving? No, I'll be here. I'll be working on Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going Over I got a latino family That's been like taking me in since 2000

Wait a minute. This is something you're that guy. Oh, yeah Google, you know where from google guy text soi days and one de los locos I least call a rebel achievers for the east LA compass out there We do it easy See we've lost all control of the show I'm sorry. I love it. I love it man. I really like it. It's weird. Tell me y'all y'all feel like Hey google man text woman on accident

Thanksgiving Do you know this story? No every year this warms my soul I want to be more young man who was accent. That's doc young man was actually invited to grandma's Thanksgiving as a teen Keeps a tradition going so in 2016 Jamal hinton And Wanda Dretch. They're still going so the first two met when Dretch from Mesa just sent it Oh, she sent the text inviting him for dinner and it was meant for her grandson

Uh, who had changed his phone number instead hint and got the message sitting in class in desert vista high school The two figured out the mistake They sent selfies to each other and then she was like come over to the house and they're on their sixth year of having Thanksgiving together Some random kid this young black kid jamal who and then he goes to this older white woman's house. Wow After drenches husband died What what are you all right, doc? I Little bit of tearing

Did you bring good bad stories like that? You know, that's fucking this shit is beautiful Did you feel the energy off that damn story? I think I told it poorly I think we entered a different realm. I mean I fucked up the story. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It fucking Drove him into it. You hit home, bro You hit home. That's a black kid and a white lady, right? I think so. Yeah, give me a hug, bro. Wait. What the fuck? We making strides here, bro We've been friends for a long time

Oh, what is this? This is crazy. What's wrong with you today? Sit down, doc. Sit your fucking ass down, bro. I love this guy, bro Bro, this shit is like uh, we bringing the whole fucking we got fucking korea You go get a little pain I remember and fucking me and this guy. Yeah, man. This is another dynamic. You better feel that shit, bro Oh my god. Feel it. Okay. Sit down. You bro Doc, you bro

It's out of control Doc, can I okay, let's let's investigate everything. Let's investigate bob for real everything He says could put a cringe in my body. What happened? What happened today? What's going on today? Yeah, something happened. I'm gonna tell you something. Here we go. I came here And I was like, you know how to love the mic Yeah, I came here and I said, I love these guys, right? love jewels Of my little korean brother

Love my little anglo-saxon, right? And I said fuck. It was just the energy today, bro. We was You don't feel that I do You don't feel that I everybody feels it Like I think I don't know if you want to do it today, but we we need to do like a group hug one time Just to show you hustled me already Which is me and you go but bobby didn't get in and then I feel like I'll come over here. Okay, and I'll give you a hug

Don't go. No. No. I said a group hug bobby. No, no, you gave you a single come No, she doesn't she steps out of this. Yeah. I want my individual hug. Well, can we can we can we do like a contract right now first? All right, what do you mean your contract with the kid because the contract gotta be no violation. That's You understand what I'm saying. No, I don't yeah be clear. Well, you know, no No cup in the buttocks no cup in the buttocks and uh That's not how I hug but all right, that's a three second rule three second rule pop up. See how we were

Well, maybe about me and that was 20 seconds long 20 seconds. I get 20 seconds time out time out 20 seconds. I know but time out Yeah, you don't understand what 20 seconds is It's an eternity To him. It's an eternity. Okay, but I get the 20 seconds. Okay. I'll give you a 20 the three second rule refers to food on the ground I'm not hugging. What are you talking about? Oh, I thought it was yeah, what did you think the three second rule was? There's five seconds. All right. Oh, it's five seconds. Did you hear uh francy francy? Yeah, they do a different in spain. Okay. They do it. Okay. All right, so we'll go give Bobby a hug You got a timer. You got to put this on a uh on your phone. Yeah, I'll do it right now

We'll do a time. All right, you want and you want how long so no 20 Is that it? No cupping No cheek-to-cheek just just plain old Just hold up. Just plain old. You know what doc. All right. I love you buddy. All right get over there Don't where are you guys going right here? Yeah in the middle. We'll go in the middle Can you get it right here? Yep All right, all right, and when you're I have some rules. Okay. Okay. I have some rules too

Well, what are the rules saying in your mic? What are the rules? What are the rules for me? Get right there For for me hugging is about chest to chest So the chests have to be locked in together, right? Yeah It's like, you know when a spaceship is trying to lock onto another spaceship that that type of that we're locked in You don't want to fuels this the fuel cell the what? You didn't see interstellar you didn't understand it. I can get I can guarantee you that All right. So anyway, so chest to chest, right?

And um, that's pretty much Okay, that's chest to chest. Yeah, okay. Can I make it with some rules? I think chest to chest nose to nose is how you get a really good I know that nose to nose is a good one. I think chest. Yeah. Yeah, just just nose to nose is I think you guys got to be chest to chest No, no, we touch noses We touch noses I'm I'm quarter eskimo. You know that he is Yeah, I'm yeah, I'm quarter eskimo. So chest to chest nose to nose. What else?

Chest to chest nose to nose. Yeah, 20 seconds and tip to tip Yeah Yeah, no tip to tip Tip tip tip. I will I will do too. I'll throw it in there Yeah, please in the end in the end in the last five seconds tipped it. I will also Can I just throw one last one last thing? This is how we hug I have I have carpal tunnel on both hands. You do right? So I have to do underhooks. I know that yeah

So I have to do underhook chest to chest nose to nose, right? I need all right 20 seconds chest to chest nose to nose underhooks You cannot start the clock until we touch noses. Okay. All right. Hey, man. I'm not making the rules I'm just obeying them. I'm not making the rules. I just obey them Get over there You say when Bob say when chest to chest Nose to nose nose to nose nose to nose Yeah Hold it. Hold it

Hold it. Hold it. Hold the nose doc Hold it ready one two Okay, go Ready one two three go Hold it hold it and feel it doc you're into this love Fucking six seconds and six seconds I'm starting over You did six seconds

Okay Yes, dude, and you got six seconds is all you got We got to go All right ready all right ready and Ready one two Come on dude. Give them nose to nose or one two three go. Okay. It's on it's going Hold it doc Dick to dick dude, don't give up 10 seconds

Come on. Don't fuck up doc. So close. Don't fuck up six 18 19 20. All right. You did it. You did it That was pretty good Very good Very good Thank you so much for that doc. Honestly. Thank you. Did you like it? I did like it. That was a pretty good hug I think the best one I've had in a while. You hooked. I hooked it up. Yeah. Thank you so much bud. You're welcome Yeah, yeah How do you feel about all this shit rude? Are you are you into this? What is that?

Very intense very intense very intense should not if I left hey jewels if I left kalai law And I said to you I'm getting doc now. How would you feel about it? Would you be supportive and we got married Supportive, but I wouldn't go to your wedding. Well, that's not support. That's the opposite of supportive. Yeah No, but I just make an excuse, but I would say oh, well you have a commercial audition What the fuck are you talking about? I'm telling you in advance. She has an excuse. Yeah. Yeah. I can't go to your wedding I have dumb doing something but I support it. Oh you support it. How do you support it then if you don't show up? I'll give them a gift

What gift what can we owe you give us? dildos How else You don't like toys. I mean our marriage bro our marriage is not to survive on just anal sex alone No, you got if you have we need to we need devices dude, you know, I mean Like I'm sending off emails and you're like you you're on your belly. You're completely naked. I'm sending off emails Just listen. Look at me right now. I'm trying look at me doc It's hard to look in your face, right? We have a king-sized bed, right? We get a brand new house Cal King Cal King, right?

I'm in my pajamas. This is one in the morning, right? And you're on your belly completely naked, right? Yeah, come on, Bob. Right? I go I gotta send out these emails. Yeah, you're busy and he's like come on man. You're in Well, my little black hole exposed So I take one of the devices that I get from jewels And I'm doing emails, but I'm just you I mean and you're just I know you're just Chocolate milk all over my hand for some reason Right, I'm doing emails business

Very good. Here's the speed that everyone would like in this room ready Everyone in this room would like this. This is the speed of the vibrator Here's the speed ready Very good. And I press a button. Bobby speed My speed Doc speed Oh, yeah, it's gonna swallow the line, right? It's a little contraption and dude

I'm a child. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Oh my god You