Bad Friends - Happy Birthday, Sleepy Bobo ft. Chris Distefano

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

Thank you: https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://hellotushy.com/badfriends & http://buffy.co code: badfriends & http://liquidiv.com code: badfriends Subscribe to our YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube More Chris Distefano History Hyenas: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/history-hyenas-with-chris-distefano-and-yannis-pappas/id1352800687 https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy 0:00 Happy Birthday Bobby Lee 3:55 Chris Distefano on Estrogen Therapy 8:30 Yo Momma Jokes 12:47 Andrew and Chris Distefano Gang up on Bobby 14:09 The Sexiest Male Comedians 34:05 Bobby Wears Grey Sweats for Chris Distefano 39:03 Yao Ming Can Squat! & A Fart That Clears the Room 52:50 Chris Distefano is a Teetotaler 1:00:56 Khalyla Scares Bobby 1:17:45 Bobby and Chris Distefano Met at Opie & Anthony 1:24:50 The Worst Things We've Done for Stage Time More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many many more. Go ahead You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started Come see me and Christy Stefano on the east coast as I do October 8th 9th 10th and 11th Go to Andrew Santino.com. You can find out where I'm doing all that stuff Bro Jules fuck man. She's acting like Ally Sheedy from the breakfast club today. Why what happened? We're the mask on the corner right over as if I fucking have it and I go are you gonna take it off? She's like no whoa Whoa hothead fucking crazy introduce our guests Bobo. We're not starting yet. Yeah, we are Did you see I bought you a cake? You smell fucking good, dude. What is it sent? Shut up, Chrissy?

No, I swear to God man. I'll fuck you on my birthday pre-op post birthday. Oh, happy birthday Happy what would you get me? Can we sing? What did I get you? Yeah, fuck you I let you have the day off yesterday, and I bought you a cake. That's his happy birthday. I had a cake yesterday friend How many cakes am I gonna get friend? I got you a birthday gift. Give him his birthday gift give him his birthday Do you see what it says on here? Happy birthday sleepy Bobo noodle. Oh shit You know how old are you? How old are you sleepy Bobo noodle? How old are you? No, you're not you're 49

But that's only seven in Chinese years I look good though. Hey, can we be honest? Do you when you see China? Happy birthday? One dollar, I got everybody on chocolate chip off fucking bars espresso come cake things from the I got some I got some forks, and I got I got no Hey, so let me play this and race I want to play this for you because this is from my family to yours This is happy birthday in Korean. Let's all sing along for Bobby to do it. You're welcome, dude. That was Like that for you in North Korea. No, they don't know. Yeah. Okay. Well, can I say this? Yes. Yes. All right Have you ever met anyone from North Korea? Yes. Yes. No, you haven't yes

Well, it's an Eskimo. You've never met an Eskimo. You've read up a lot of the books and the fairy tales What you could play with them on video games, baby, but you've never met one. I've not I've met someone from North Korea Oh, what's his name? It's a girl. It was a girl. Oh, yeah. I was your concubine. She was a concubine Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was a slave that escaped. She was a female slave that I say she was a She was like a she was working she was working I think in like a shoe making factory and she escaped bro. Koreans don't sweat. That's a fucking fact. You can Google that They don't sweat and they got the gene where the sweat doesn't smell. That's a fact you can Google that he smells Fantastic, I've never had deodorant. I know but you smell though. I

Analyzed it. I have a microscopic equipment at home. There's no pores down there. No, no It's like it's like fucking an Android skin dude. Just poreless. You don't sweat. No, I I know but you bleed you bleed He bleeds. Yeah No, no, that's it's an actual thing if you I'm not even making that out of Google They have a thing in the genes one of the enzymes that produce Korean specifically where they it's either they don't sweat or the Sweat doesn't smell. Yeah, but Chris. How come I come fucking white dude smell like shit What not just Korean you you you job 20 feet and you smell the pit. It's like fucking Beirut fucking water. I gotta be honest with you

I used to smell a lot, but then recently over the past like six months. I've been on estrogen therapy because I'm transitioning Yeah, so I've been on estrogen therapy and I don't smell anymore. I don't smell Yeah, are you really by the way? I want us to look at the camera real quick because yes yesterday or whenever this comes out Andrew let me on his podcast whiskey ginger. Thank you very much. Thank you I told everybody that I was gay and I said I was being very serious, and I'm not I'm a heterosexual Yeah, male. Yeah, I just want to let everyone know I was kidding around, but I am I am not I am a straight male Well, why do you think people think you might be gay? Um because I looked in the camera you set up straight Yeah, because I looked in the camera on the podcast the other day and said it was gay, but I am not gay

So I want to say nope. I'm straight. Okay, but there's a few things that might give it away that you might be gay What is that? You got good skin. You got straight teeth. You wear jewelry. Yes, are nice and in great shape You're always at the gym. You only hang out with dudes. Yes. All right. I'll tell you why you're gay. Why I tell you again Yeah, because when I when I see dudes like you that are like, um, you know handsome with your body size, you know Yeah, I'm a guy. Yeah, it goes dain cook. It goes there's people ahead of you. It goes dain cook It goes dain cook a couple of little Micros on you your friend right here. Yeah, it's a way better. So take off his hat. Take a look at this Look at this guy's hairline. It doesn't oh, where does it start and stop?

Oh, Harry here. Oh fuck. No Bobby. Don't Bobby. Don't fuck. Oh, fuck. I'll fuck you, dude You take out I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. What percentage can I finish my point? Yeah, please Okay, you think that you don't look like him, right? They bully me a bit, right? Hey They always say that yeah, put me in a little hipster. They give me a nookie, right? He's like gentle gentle. Yeah, he's soft gay Oh, that's why yeah, but no, I don't you're not aggressive. I'm not aggressive I don't know. I like I sit on the podcast the other day I don't know that I'm gay, but I will say confidently that I

I I I have sexual women, but I fall in love with men. So I would I would I would very much I'd are mostly gay. I'm emotionally gay. Yeah, but and yeah So but I have nothing against the gay community at all nothing against well support and like the gays well, but I am not gay I'm not gay. I do but I'm not gay, but I am a Democrat. So I don't know But you're because they're mostly gay Democrats. Yeah Yeah, what do you think the percentage of Democrats that are gay? I thought a hundred percent all like like somebody somebody Bobby's a Dem What Bob's a Dem? Yeah, but Bob's gay. He's told me Like somebody the other day somebody dad was walking and he's like, oh and they said the f4

They're like you fucking f's and I was like, oh, I thought I was like I thought it was like a Democratic rally or something Right, right? I was like those guys vote for Joe Biden, which is fine. That's fine. Who are you gonna vote for? Huh? Who are you gonna vote for? Uh in the November election? Yeah, uh uh D-O-N-A-L-D-T-U-N-P No This is why we built the wall We're gonna build the wall with the bodies of dead Democrats

I'm kidding, buddy I'm here but the North Korean though that escaped right lived in South Korea for a little bit And he goes fuck this and went back really was that much better? Wow? No? He just couldn't deal how good it was. It was too nice. It's a free Bobo free Like when they get milk tea and fucking North Korea, they probably don't even get free Bobo No, he was like it's a side for free. Yeah, we're like pussy. I can get pussy any time. I want you know, I mean look It's overwhelming yourself. There is a free look at the TV what you asked not just Koreans But East Asians in general Koreans or any human for that matter wouldn't last very long without the ability to sweat

So humans all produce body odor having said that East Asians do have less act Apocrine sweat glands sweat glands which results in reduced ability to sweat. There you go. Yeah, so I have two African sweat glands Yeah, show them There it is. Yeah, and they're yeah, right? None. Have you been doing a little bit of working out your muscles look a little good Cuz you were fat. It's fat. Oh, you know jiggle the bottom jiggle the bottom. That's how you know No, no apocrine and Fritch But you know what you know what honestly going back to the guy who escaped from North Korea to South Korea and then went Back to North Korea. Yeah, there is a freedom in communism

I would imagine when you don't have a much choice. Yeah, like you ever watch Netflix and it's like there's so many choices Like oh, there's nothing on TV with communism. There's no choices You just have to do it so I could see if you were a product of that and then you go back in and out It's a freedom in and out's communist, right? They're like burger burger with with or without cheese I don't want all the options, you know, like track homes all the houses look the same Yeah, like if your dad was like kind of a bum, right? Mm-hmm You live in a track home and then your friends in the same neighborhoods dad as a doctor

They could brag all they want right they go same idea as a doctor our houses look exactly the same. Yeah, that's true Yes, yeah, that's true. I don't think your dad who would be a bum would have a track home though I don't think it's the mom works so that you're gonna. What does she what does she do what? Well, what does she do work for a track home? Oh the track home company? Yeah, no, she cleans the house How's she's a maid your mom does What size is your mom's feet? I always Small feet for women women three women three. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a kid's half Yeah, yeah, your mom has tiny little feet. No, my mom has beautiful feet, dude

I bet you mock you. My mom has the prettiest feet. Have you ever seen his mom? No Like a hammer like a hammerhead shark fucking realize over here the other ones over here It's unbelievable. It's I seriously show me talk shit about my mom all the time Is a fucking bielder with a beast a bielder with a bielder with a beast a bielder with a beast You're never gonna be your mom is a bill to bear and the fucking eyeballs are on his cheek and it's for a fucking birthday Dude, you're like yesterday was your birthday yesterday. Yeah, there's post in pre. I got you a cake. I got you a cake This is a you know, I'm not a you know, I'm not gonna eat it. I know why don't you eat it? You don't like your sweets. No, I have a fucking you know how many cakes I got Chris from last night

So what keep eating cakes Netflix send me a fucking cake Netflix send you a cake Did they really that's not good. That's just some young girl. You know me the hipster girl. They send you a cake Yeah, cuz Bobby Lee live here, and I was smoking a cigarette What's up, I got a cake. You know, she didn't want to be there. I got cake It was the cast of cuties was on it You know, I've only been a couple things but that was really nice Netflix you've been on a few times I got COVID now, huh? No, no, I got a negative. Oh, okay. He tested negative

Yeah, no. Yeah. No. No. Yes, you can the CDC said you can collect COVID one of three ways In a small room with other people after confined spaces and times breathing spitting and also any sort of fecal matter That's in the air. So if you fart fecal matters in the air, I could huff your fecal matter and I could get COVID But I'm wearing Lulu lemon pants. Oh, they're good $10 pants. So they're not gonna go through this and I just told you I tested negative all for COVID That's true too These are Lulu a spence. Yeah, you smile a bit. Yeah. Yeah, let me see. You know what? You know, but you fucked your teeth. You're fucking gums too big

Yeah, let me say you don't have big gums. No, what do you mean you smile? You know Bobby has 19 teeth, really? Yeah, he's missing most of his teeth. Really? There's one going. I'm saying that another one going Yeah, Frankie. Frankie's gotta go. Oh, no, I name all my teeth. Frankie. She's gone. Why is a bro? I can't do it anymore. Now ask him what happened here. Ask him what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so there's a hole in Frankie Like you got shot in the head. Oh, right. And then when the wind goes in there Everyone suffers it whistles. No, everyone goes. Oh Imagine if you open your mouth and cars going down the road. It's like Frankie got shot and he's dead and he's gone. Are you gonna have it removed? Are you gonna let it fall out?

Because now the nerve. I think the nerve died. Oh Oh, so since the pandemic since the pandemic. Hey, since the Since the pandemic I've been in a lot of pain. I never told you that wait, sirs You've been to pain this whole time. Yeah, you know when because you know when the whole Frankie's he's whole and then there's a nerve Let's take that Frankie's his head. You could see the fucking nerve. Well, you can't see the fucking nerve matter I don't have that kind of equipment. You said you had a microscopic thing to check out your esparic Apocrine, apocrine, apocrine, but no

Um, no, the thing is it but I've been in a lot of pain. Hmm. So you can use that as an excuse Are you gonna do another thing or no? It's dead. What's another thing? Well, you know, you use pain as your trauma as an excuse for all sorts of fucked up shit that you'd end up doing I'm saying Being late not texting back not hanging out not returning calls. You love it. Yeah, I do. That's why I got it Yeah, dude, it's fucking it's good to be on top Are you jealous of our white privilege? That's why I said it. Let's gang up. I want to see what this was. Let's gang up. Yeah. Now. I know what it is It's the winning team say cahoots the winning team what they say what they say cahoots. You're in you're in what they say cahoots

About you, dude, you know what you know what you are what we say What you're gay, so what do you mean nothing? I'm not gay I know but you know what dude, let me say said this so and I'm gonna say this openly, please serious that Let's just suppose Jesus came down. Yeah. Yeah, not God. Just some Mexican guy. No, Jesus and he goes on You know, you must you know, I mean fuck one comedian male comedian Right. He's saying that to you. You're saying that to me. Okay Do you even you might be? He might be in the top. I'd have to him. There's a couple of other guys who are the top five that I would I would fuck

Correct. Oh color a couple of them are canceled. So I don't want to make name them. Okay. I know Tom DeLewis No, I would say it's the ones that aren't so I would probably he's up there and then I'd have to sit jazz on that Yeah, I'd have to sit just like he seems like he'd be a dead fish. Yeah Yeah, he's angry like he has a frow. He would just take it. Yeah, take it. Yeah, he would just take it And he's also emotionalist. He's like a Romulan to me. There's a lot of you. Who would I have sex with somebody fun like earthquake? He's just funner to say I fucked earthquake. I fucked earthquake Fuck him. I'd bang earthquake level and then another guy a tignitaro. I'd bang

Yeah, yeah, that's a big leaf. It's a big leap from earthquake. Yeah. Yeah, I would fuck him to kick Yeah, I'd fuck him. I'd go after the big dogs. Yeah. Yeah, who rock Chappelle. Hmm. Just for the clout Yeah, you know because I then I have something I hold I'd hold it above their head Everyone would fuck the rock everyone. No, no Jesus coming Chris rock. Oh, no. No. No, I'm saying I'd hold because I'd hold it above I'd be okay. I'm gonna tell you why still to this day jerks off to I jerk off a lot to Barbara Walters I still jerk off to Barbara Walters. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, she's used to be big in the Larry King Do you know you're not big into him anymore? No, I now I now now it's a most people I jerk off to is is Is I jerk off to Barbara Walters? I jerk off to Tucker Carlson

You love a lot from Fox News. Yes, and I jerk off a lot to LeBron James. Oh Yeah, oh, well since we're opening up I jerk off to you let's see the sounds of the lambs when they When they fucking flip the girl over and she has strips of flesh missing from her back. Yeah That's it I think about it. Yeah, it's just something about I jerk off a lot to Jody Foster But from now you ever seen the movie now when she's being raised in the woods by wolves I took off there because there's one scene where they show full bush and I like that Oh, Jody Foster, huh? Yes, but from now not from silence of the land Jerry McGuire

Yeah, the beginning scene in Jerry good and gets takes his thing off when he says show me the money That's when I come. Yeah, he's I went to Arizona State Jerry. I bust right there Yeah, that's the real sex scene at the beginning of that movie is so hot It is really hot that is and you know, it's another one I used to seriously swear to God jerk off to all the time true lies when Jamie Lee Curtis was About what about 35 40 seconds in her little top of her nipple comes out and I would fucking jerk off And I would always fucking hold it and I would wait until fucking Arnold gets punched in the face at the end When he fucking his lip is all bleeding and then I go

Fucking do it dude. Yeah, my mom do you find yourself? I mean, I don't want to go to blue, but we're here already We're already here. So, um, do you do mastery offense? Yes. Yes, and I and I don't jerk off like this I think I've talked about this before I don't do like this I make my hands I lay down on my back and I make my hands like I guess it's kind of like a pussy or Whatever and I rub the base of my penis and I come directly to my belly button. I swear to God. That's true story No, I swear to God, I swear to God I swear in everything I would jerk off a lot and I still jerk off like that So like people like oh jerking off in the shower is the best I can't because I don't do it like that

I have to lay lay my penis against my body and and push it down You know what I do physically push force against I push down and I go to the base of my penis Yeah, and I push down right above my balls in the lower part of my penis shaft And I just push keep pushing down and then I and you know, I come into my belly button usually Yeah, yeah, you know the hole of the penis. Yeah, you blow on it You're either I don't blow on it, and that's what's fucking weird and then you know that's fucking weird That's damn right right below the ball, right? I take my two fingers like this and I squeeze as hard as I oh Yeah, the blowing was weird right

You're insane you squeeze your penis as hard as you can it feels so good. No, it does not I make it I mean I talked to it if you talk to your penis Yeah, and it goes like this. Yeah, dude. I don't know who's Dave because you know my penis, right? I want to get I fuck I talk about but I used to call my penis by a girl's name What was the name? Well because well that just because I don't cuz she listens to the podcast. Yeah, what's her name? Yeah, I'm not gonna. I'm gonna make it up. Yeah, go ahead Katie. What's the real name though? No, yeah, what's the real name? That's a really later. What's your real name?

But this kid girl Katie I used to work with right went out with this other so I liked her right and then she went out with another bus boy So okay, so Here's the ball the bus boys. Yeah, so I was a bus boy Yeah, no shit and this guy Dave was a bus boy and then she was a waiter waitress server server whatever yeah, and then um, you know I used to Like walk by her where she's like taking orders and smell her hair. Oh my god. Wow. It's like a psycho. Yeah I'd have a fucking bucket like this Smell it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What would Katie say? She didn't know she's walking taking orders like what would you want to hear?

Oh, she had no idea your hair sniffers and I would try to get as close as I can and sometimes if I slipped hard enough One here would go shooting to the nose But then like she she did this other guy Dave liked her and then she Um, she she went out with him and then they got married their children. Oh really really Katie and Dave So I call like penis Katie, right? Right, and I squeeze it the tip cuz they what's up with Dave and then you fucking come out She the one that got away Well, no, because I had the one the love of my life is I live with her now

Yeah, but what Kala didn't get away did that one get away to try and do we won't let her though That's trying to yeah, you know what we won't let her that's right I've noticed ever since I've had genital warts. I have a I when I my penis is so much more I'm coming so much quicker when I masturbate because I was removing them, but now I haven't removed them and Notice that since I've had genital warts It also is good because I'll be honest with you guys. I have my penis is about five and a half inches But it's six with warts and I feel like that makes it worse on the tip the warts are on the tip Oh, the world I thought because you know imagine warts you would think that it's the width part that would thicken it

Right, but you I've never seen the warts just congregate on the tip. I actually have what's known as geno anal Geno geno anal warts or genital anal warts where I have I have I've right now Maybe ten warts a couple on my testicles one on the base of my chef two or three on the tip of my penis And then I do have one on my asshole and that's normal and because at first I said Because I went to the doctor and I said and I said, you know, I've never had I've never had MSN man sex with man But I do have a ward on my asshole and he said that's not that's just it's fine It's all from the ward family and he said would you like me to remove it? And I said no because I've recently found out that my penis and asshole is more sensitive like right now

I'm sitting on my the ass on my warrant. I do have a heart. How do you not know that it's not a hemorrhoid? Um, because I don't what I don't I don't bleed when I when I shit anymore Did you ever have hemorrhoids? I don't know but I was I was Shitting pure blood for a little while But Yeah, when you ship like I don't know baby when I should pull pure blood Immediately, I just kind of stand up right and I go to a facility called, you know the hospital the hospital No, you didn't do that. Not me guys. Have you ever shit blood? I

Think one time it was beat. Oh Yeah, it was beat. Yeah, right, right, but I thought it was blood. Yeah, cuz I didn't know honestly I had beat I love beats by the way You who were you love beats? That's one of my favorite veggies. Really? Yeah, I like the way it bleeds You know, I mean, it's cool, but I like the texture everything about it, right? But sometimes I like don't chew it. Mm-hmm a solo beats whole swallow the whole thing like if I've had a salad, right? There's a big chunk of beat. I don't even swallow. I just suck it a little bit. I love sucking juices me to that's my thing Yeah, any kind of juice, right? I suck the fuck out of it. Yeah, you know, I mean lollipop

Yeah, right like even like if I have a lot like if I have a boba and there's some juice and like there's some sort like Oh, yeah, I think yeah, I'll dig a hole. I'll suck the fuck out of you Yeah, you know that little gum with the little thing. Yeah with the juice in the middle. Yeah. Yeah, I Sucked the juice out before yeah the whole fucking thing in my mouth. Yeah, that's why either the burgers the juicy Lucy You ever eat a burger when you buy it and the cheese comes in him to do it one time. I was in Minnesota That's where they have yeah, and I bit into a juicy Lucy and the cheese hit my esophagus and I came because it was just Anytime I get violently hit my you'd be like, it's an automatic thing. I don't know why we're in the juicer What was it? I had a point to make what was it? That the Holocaust isn't real. Yeah

That's why I know that the Holocaust is real. Yeah. Oh hoax. Yeah, just like over just like coffee I don't you do think COVID is a hoax. You told me that the other day you said I don't want to talk about an air But I don't believe in it. I don't fucking believe COVID is a fucking hoax, man That's why I haven't left the house. Come on, man. What are you fucking saying shit like that? Well, I think that our hoax is what's a hoax. Um, I think that um, I'm gonna get in trouble here, but I Think that The Sun is a hoax. It's not there. Well, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Really? What is it? What is it? It's just an illusion. You know how we illuminate light from our eyes?

We illuminate light from our eyes. Well, we are you know, everything is an illusion, right? Sure And every everything's transfixed into a visual cortex. Yeah Dude, well Don it's funny because the reason why we brought Don here is Don's a director Don Don No, well, no, no, we're gonna do we're gonna do a movie pandemic pandemic pandemic 2020 is what we're writing I told Andrew about this yesterday. We're gonna we have parts Andrew Of course, we would think Andrew wants to play the president. He wants to play president Trump Yeah, red hair red face Yep, I was gonna play Nancy Pelosi and then you're gonna play the corona virus

Under the microscope we're gonna do under the microscope on the spore No, it's just gonna be you can actually even CGI like I go in and they put the green suit on me Uh-huh, they put the balls on they want you to get tattoos. They want you to get real coronavirus tattoos Yeah, little red nodules all over your body. Okay, Ken Jeong, Kim Jong-un. Ken Jeong would love it. He's dead though Kim Jong-un's dead. No Ken Jeong. Ken Jong-un. Ken Jong-un. Ken Jong the actor. It's Ken Jong and Kim Jong-un related No, why do they look the same? They do look the same. I can never tell who they look the same. I'm just kidding. You know who Ken Jong is. Huh? Yeah, yeah, he did the special when he was pregnant on Netflix

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Have some care. Very underrated special by the way Hey guys, um during this pandemic, I use this and it saved my life You know, it's it's it's nice to have a to get a therapist, you know and talk about your feelings and what's going on Yeah, and it's I've also used a couple this as a couple therapy with me and McIlilah. Yeah, that's really good Yeah, well when you were going through your tough time, I know you used a lot of therapy And that was good to get you back out and back sober again Wait about better help it assesses your needs and matches you with your own licensed professional therapist You can start communicating in under 48 hours. You know that Andrew? Yes, I did because I've used it before you can do it from wherever

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It goes right into the hole and it cleans it out. No, you know toilet paper. It's obsolete a thing of the past I think of the past. Yeah, no, we both use tushy We have it I have it at my house and here at the studio and let me tell you something if you don't have a but hole Stop listening if you do. Yeah, yeah, you're gonna like this tushy cleans your right out If you don't have a bottle you should get one you should get one. Yeah, you'll find one. You're probably like backed up They're packed up. There's no electricity. No additional plumbing. It's simple simple to use and it cuts toilet paper used by 80% You're saving the planet earth. You don't even have to wipe honestly. I tushy and I get in the shower. It feels so good It's a simple bidet attachment

It's got a 60-day risk-free guarantee and a 12 month warranty join millions of happy Hello tushy customers right now and have a clean but with every flush tell them get your butt clean go to hello tushy.com Slash bad friends to get 10% off. There's a special offer for our listeners. It's gonna go away. So go to hello tushy.com Slash bad friends for 10% off. Hello tushy.com slash bad friends. Anyway, why do I say about the juices? I have my mind. Oh, you really wanted to talk about the juice for some I know but my mind. I was talking about It's good Is it good? Mm-hmm. No, it's not it's not good. I swear to God Hey, hey, do you know why?

Because I have oh, you know, I've what's that thing called OCD not OCD you have you have a ADD. Hey, what's bigger? This or your mom's foot? What's bigger What is that is that ice cream is that a chocolate chip cookie bar is a chocolate chip snicker doodle bar doodle bar What is it coffee cake? No, baby, you don't like sweets, huh? I like you know, it's so funny. I'm savory over sweet So is he he's the same way this guy will eat 14 fucking steaks, but he won't eat. You know, like if I eat a cake I will not eat the icing. I'll only eat the breading part. Just I hate icing. Really? Yeah, it's the I hate it

What is it? I don't like it's pure sugar sugar sugar sugar. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah, let me say let me out because yesterday my birthday, right? Yesterday was your birthday. I want to say something. What did Rudy get you Rudy? What did you get? She gave me three cartridges for my Nintendo switch 49 49 so can I just say something 49 years old? So, you know, my therapist was like, um, you know, because you know, I have a thing about my texting people back Yeah, it's the thing that we have together bingo. Yeah, so um So she's like, I think you should be

What do your therapist say Bob I Know but Let me just kind of just fuck the therapist for a second. Okay. I just want to look at you, dude You know when ones when one's speaking, right? Especially the host of it, you know, right and you do fucking, you know, that style of farting, right? Which is the worst style Right, it's acts cheeks clothes. Probably a little swept old up, right? And there's a little force going Timing, yeah, you're pushing a little bit too much. I hear I hear I know far because I've done it before

Well, if you're gonna wear Lululemon pants, you might as well test them So anyway, so let's go back to the thing my headphones are coming off, but I can't adjust them because I have chocolate on my hand Will you get him something from out there? Can you can somebody come adjust my head? But there was like, you know, you have a problem with testing so you should text everyone back Thank you when they say you know text you happy birthday, right? I knew that's why you responded so fucking fast. I fucking do it. Dude. I fucking knew something was a foot Yeah, when you responded immediately, I was like something's up, but you should see my face doing it How many texts did you get you think happy birthday 75 maybe 75 to 100 I texted you happy birthday as well

Yeah, I did text back. Yes, you did. Thank you. Okay. You're welcome. I didn't want to but I appreciate it But here's what she does now. I'm gonna ask you. Yeah, I texted people. Thank you I even some of them. I even did an extra word to make them feel like it's just not like, you know I know what you said, right? So it's like, you know, if it was like like Candice Thompson, you know She's a very funny comic. She texted me and I said, thank you Ian You know me just to make a joke. Yeah, but half of the people I texted back then did another Text back to me because they're so fucking surprised. I know but no But then do I respond to that text as well? Well, you know, does it end here? So it's like, it's fine

I wrote happy birthday asshole and you wrote thanks red. He added a one word Yeah, to make it more specific to you, but I knew look at this. I texted you at 143 You texted me at 143 you texted me the same minute. I because of my therapist What did I what did I say to you? Okay, by the way 143 143 that used to mean I love you when you had beepers Remember that 143 143 is I love you eight to three was thinking you eight zero zero eight was boob So I said to I said to Bobby Lee I Said to Bobby Lee happy birthday, babe And he wrote back thanks tits and then I wrote I do have tits and then he just left it on red

Right. So the third one was the one was like, do I text even back because now I'm in a text chain with fucking 60 people So there should be a rule that if you say happy birthday did somebody on the text You know me and then the guy says thanks that should be it that's fine I texted you so that's not what that's not it. No, it is it I know but people don't think it's it So then they keep going on the relationship going and then you got to go. I'm not responding to that I don't have to respond to that contextual right like you you have a different relationship with some people So some people some people that okay someone you don't know that well, right? It's a text you happy birthday Thanks, that's all I need someone who you're good friends with that

You do know well that knows you well if they're gonna engage more then you engage more that's how text works But a good friend a good true friend that loves you which I believe Andrew does me knows and and I love you I love you as well Unconditionally an unconditional text means I send happy birthday and I don't respect it I don't expect anything from you anybody who gets upset about why they're not responding to it does not love you unconditionally the way They you may think they do it's exactly what I'm saying unconditional love is what you should seek So really you should only have that from a few people and I believe you just hit it on the fucking head Yeah, you should have it from that you just you bro

You just did it for me just values and metrics what I want to tell you dude Is is that do you have unconditional love for me? And it's so right if you text me and I don't text you back nobody loves you Don't act like a fucking biatch Because then it's not unconditional the way you've been acting like a fucking pussy biatch you biatchy It's in he knows and he knows I love doing that like I want to throw this cake at a stupid fucking

No, but if I do because who's gonna clean it up? You're a pussy us. Oh, yeah, I got crumbs over here He'll never clean this up really he goes back to his booger layer after this He doesn't have to fucking do anything. He's gonna nice, but he knows if I throw the layer. Oh, I see you're attacking now I will I am yeah, could you call me a bitch so I'm gonna attack you back You little short fat piece of shit. No, I'm not kidding. How about that you fucking load of the earth turd? I? Love to getting him I get him there cuz he knows I get so deep He's one of the only people that gets me fucking actually like an angry and angry man And you call them a load of the earth turd you fucking that's funny man. He's a floater

He is yeah fucking piece of shit. I love him. Why are you on a beanie? It's 92 outside I know because I want it because I was I wanted to press him, but the thing is is that by the way He knew you were coming but he knew you were coming he got really fucking excited And I know he chose his outfit particularly because he wanted to impress you yeah stand up and what do you what kind of what? Are you wearing below? What are you wearing below gray sweats? What the fuck are you talking? Yeah, but gray sweats because that makes your dick look big That's exactly that's all the girls wear great all the guys wear great Thing that's a thing. That's a thing. Yes, what's great sweats is a thing

Yeah, let me see Yes, see stand up again stand up again Yeah, I've touched businesses before I You never played sports, so you never saw other men's penises like that though, huh? Bro, that's so insulting that you say that well you never played sports dude I was on the junior varsity wrestling team in high school. Mm-hmm. You know that right? Are you serious? Yeah, well for one year. No, I wrestled all through middle school I was on the tennis middle school doesn't count in high school. You play for one year in high school. No three years

I was on the tennis team No way. Oh, yeah, really? You played three years of tennis if you could look at my early Instagrams, dude I have photos of my high school yearbook. How are you so unathletic now? You have tennis hair right now by the way Bro, I'm 49 you fucker. I know what your body looks like. This is what your body looks like no All right, so I just want to say this no one surprised that this is what you turned out to be so Tuesday Yeah, I shot a Short film Appropriate right and I and I you would just call it a film. Yeah for you. It's just a you shot something. Yeah

Go does it feel good No, I'm gonna ask is it feel good to be tall. Yeah, he's not tall. He doesn't fucking know what He's not good and then the little the fat little guy gook. Well, the little guy, right? Yeah, I'll G. Yeah Right you poke you poke. Oh, that would do. Yeah, does that feel good to you have G in the FLG? He's your height. How are you five a hate and a half? He's your height. Oh my bad Yeah, feel good. Anyway, yeah, it feels good. So I shot this thing with it was just me and Vince Vaughn doing it, right? Wow, that is tall position. Yeah, right. He's tall. That was like the movie His stomach his stomach, right? It's a little baldy. Mm-hmm. And then we're talking about like our age and how we

Metabolize men our age and televised harder, right? How old are you? I am turn 36 last year young man still, okay? When you're 49, right? It's just harder to lose weight. I believe it particularly when you eat pizza every day And you don't exercise how's your cholesterol and blood pressure through the fucking is it no good? Is it no good? Yeah, it's bad But you know what's interesting about Koreans and all Asians is no matter how out of shape you are you can still get You can still squat all the way down where your assholes just like a millimeter off the floor and smoke a cigarette all Chinese and Asian men all people from Asia can squat down really don't smoke cigarettes on their bricks Yeah, I know you know Chris 100% believe you were Chinese. He was convinced. He was like, there's no way you're Korean

He doesn't believe it. I didn't believe it. He doesn't he needs proof He thinks he's like there's no way he said all Asians are from China He thinks everything branched from China. No one is originated from anywhere Just like I believe all whites are from Germany. I just want to say that's probably true To make an argument against that the squatting and the smoking. Yes, so um before West the Westerners took over fucking America All right, it introduced them to like fast food and you know For the Westerners took over America or a no when the Westerners took over Asia like in terms of Corporations going in cultural going in there, right? Right, you know, generally Asians were small, right?

All right, but no because now you the average height of a Korean right is what a male is like five four No, five five five eight five nine really? Do you have proof on that? Because I feel like it's on it's about five five five six. It's just so insulting. No, I'm being serious I'll bring it up finish my point though. I'm gonna guess by the way. I just want to put in a guess I'm gonna put in a five seven five seven I'm gonna average height of Korean male 170 centimeters. That's tiny right here. That's like a little tiny. Yeah, it's like a trophy Yeah, what is that in a feet?

170 centimeters in feet I would say a one what is it centimeter 100 centimeters make an inch is that right? Yeah, and then and then 12 inches 12 inches is a foot. That's five five 170 centimeters is five five. All right. I was fucking right, bitch. All right, but they finish though Let me finish though. Okay. Go ahead finish, right? But probably 20 years ago the average height was probably five three less 20 years And now we have Asians that are much taller like if you look at Korean soap operas whether they're six foot six two those guys are genetically modified Yeah, I was made in a lab. Exactly. Yeah, I mean was made in a lab. Yeah, I mean was made from the same fucking Petri dish

They made corona virus in So yeah, yeah, I mean is a freaking shank. Yeah Shank say Clifford. He's Let's bring it. I'm drinking shank, right? Yeah, so I'm regular. That's what it is. All right. Here you go Yeah, the point is this but here's yeah, I mean, right the reason why we could squat like that It's because we're shorter dudes, right? Yes, right, but yeah, I mean can't do that. Yes. He can yes He can do that. They all have all the Asians have unbelievable unbelievably loose

Hip flexor muscles Because they need to get down to smoke cigarettes. It's part of what they need to do. Look at that. Look at how low He is there's him and Bobby Lee right there You can look at how low he is how low his I know that's not what he's saying every human can do that. No, they cannot. No, but not like that not like that Stand right there and do it. Okay. You're looking at this. All right. Yeah. Yeah Right, yeah, hold the pose Yeah, but it's still the same athletic muscles look at the ability to do that

No, dude, it's uh, there he is smoke it is smoking against the magic and what's he's saying? Look at Dwight Howard's arms Jesus fucking Mugsy Boggs look at Mugsy Boggs Michael Jordan used to call Mugsy Boggs a fucking midget you ever seen that He said talk shit like take the shot you fucking midget and Mugsy Boggs It was like it was so upsetting it was so emotionally scarring because Jordan would just call him a fucking midget with the T You see that that was right. Oh, tiny man He's saying what Jordan Yes, because I would say if Michael Jordan called somebody the F word, you know, I mean, what's the F word agate without the F

Mm-hmm with the F. No without the F. That's the word So I don't get in trouble. Oh god an agate, right? You wouldn't say would you say that even in the what do I say? What let's say Michael Jordan called some other guy an agate, okay, right? Okay, would you have repeated that what I've repeated that word? Yeah, um, no quoting. No, but that's because but that's because agates are our real people and midgets aren't Like they not have I don't have real like they don't have full social security numbers or full lives Oh, but the agates do so then, you know, yeah, it's like, you know when they say count to three count to three one, two, three That's the last one right and there was two midgets and they go four people die. I go, you know, I mean, I go three whatever

Is that what I do? That's what I do in my mind. I got three people die three people die Yeah, but what can they can make steak you people can make steak you for my god. Sorry Oh fuck you, that's fuck you. I hate the chug a shake Chug a cake. I can't smell it. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's going my way. I don't know why. I'm sorry. I can't smell it Do you guys ever do you ever fart on the podcast? I apologize if I did he does fart I was eating sushi before with a fork when he fucks. I fart only when I eat the sushi with a fork I fought with a chop of sticks. I don't fart I'm sorry sit down. I can't do it sit down

It smells so fucking bad dude deal with it. I'm sorry I'm sorry Bobby because I ate it. I eat chocolate cake It does smell and I had salmon with a fork and I apologize Sushi with a fork. I apologize. I'm sorry. I swear to God that won't happen again I have realized I'm a guest on the show and I apologize. No, I apologize. I Can't smell or taste anything. I don't know what the fuck but my little lemon pants. It will be no holes I haven't been able to smell or taste for the past like three three days. I can't smell anything. Are you serious? You really can't smell anything either. Oh, right. That's one of the symptoms. No, it's not smell not smell is and

You can't smell or taste and you fucking are the other you were when we were doing whiskey ginger You were like I told you I'd like that little like a little Striations in the lungs. I told you when I was physical therapist I used to see people like that and I don't think I have COVID but I remember like the cough I was like that's coming from the center of the chest. Fuck. Yes, maybe you're just depressed. You seem depressed I am. Yeah, you seem it because of you Okay, here we go. No, no, I'm serious. You do make me depressed most of the time. What what a lot? Well, is it this make you depressed? Let me just ask, okay?

Hey, I just out of nowhere like does a man do this to another man? He's about to get mad. Look at him He just did not breathe it right unconditional love. Remember this and merchandise on what shirt do you like? And then I don't respond. Hey, buddy, yellow blue or green, buddy, right? I didn't say buddy. I didn't say buddy Oh, whatever. I said, which shirts do you like for the show for merch for the show? I go, I don't care Come on, buddy. Pick one. Yeah, pick one. No, if Yanis was like, hey, what shirts do you like? Would you be like, I don't care. Would you go? I should put in my fucking input If you didn't care what you'd say you don't care If if Yanis if Yanis said if Yanis texted me and said what merch do I like what merch do I like?

I gave you options and it's like option if he sent me that text the first text I'd say back is say do whatever you want agate Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter man. You're right. You know what it gets you crazy. You're right. Yeah, you're right No, no, no, you're right. I love that. I don't you're right I'm like a fucking dad and when the kid is here I'm not gonna say what I want to say and when he when the kid leaves. Yeah, then mom's gonna fucking get it I'm gonna beat the shit out of you when the little boy goes off to school. See little mommy's gonna fucking get it It's insane. That's crazy. I'm gonna beat the shit out of him. That's crazy. I'm gonna beat the shit out of you

You little bag of rice. I'm gonna fucking beat the shit out of you What do they go race the first thing that goes right you go racist against me all the time Well, how you talk bad about white people what you can't be racist. Oh really the fucking oppressor I can't talk about that oppressor. I'm not the oppressor. I'm not the oppressor. I'm not the oppressor I'm not the oppressor. Look at the oppressors like a bitchy now Just oh press and just take it. Well, okay, you know you I then I open you shut up. Yeah, you shut up You shut up or I'll send you back To to you know, you'll be right back on a boat. What race are you? He's Italian, but from the south

I thought I could I find some solace You know me and right ombre, you know me, but he's like I'm Italian. He does look max. He looks Mexican Yeah, I thought my daughter's Puerto Rican so you can say that stuff to me because I have your daughter Puerto Rican Because I I had said my balls do Zumba Because I had sex with a spicy Latina five years ago. Yeah, is that your wife now or no? No, not my wife, but I think soon to be we're back together and it's been great I was Chrissy Colt parents for a while, but now I'm back back in the house Oh good. So just waiting to get killed through domestic violence. Why are you gonna move out here? No, no fucking no

I'm gonna stay in New York. Yeah, now I'm gonna stay in New York. I love do like it here It's been on fire since I've been here for a week or better today Well, it just goes I mean it keeps going on fire and you know, you start to wonder why and You know Jesus, I think is sending a message. Yeah, he's saying You wouldn't know so you you would even what if you got a big show out here? You would never move to LA. I I don't want to say now I just can't go too far from my daughter even now being away from her for just a week and I have to know Would you move the family? I would move the family if they all came with me

I don't care where we'd go. But if you ask me, I do like to be I do like to be close to Like, you know, the water like the Atlantic Ocean like being close to Atlantic Ocean And I like being near Puerto Ricans and that's New York City. It's a better ocean the Atlantic Pacific I would say Pacific. I like the Atlantic Ocean better because I but I'm I'm sexually attracted to fishermen. Yeah, you know Oh, yeah, yeah, because when I think of Atlantic like I think of like, you know, the very very the Matthew Perry No, no, the the the Godzilla with the Matthew guy who killed a woman in England Matthew killed a woman in England. Matthew Matthew got drunk. He killed a woman in England

And then he went out what he also was married to the Sex and City lady Matthew Broderick that Godzilla I had to go that way to get there. I got you right. So, um, I don't know if he did I don't know if he killed somebody. I heard yeah, well, you didn't know He was Godzilla. He was Godzilla. What do you mean? He was Godzilla Matthew Broderick played Godzilla My point though after my point after my point though, right? Look up if Matthew Broderick killed somebody. He did. Yeah, in real life. You're saying we're in a movie Okay, hit them with a car. Yeah. Okay. What is that one Brandy? Remember Brandy did that, too? She got oopsie whatever she killed somebody. What is it fucking Caitlyn Jenner same thing, right?

Caitlyn Jenner did kill someone on August 5th 1987 when driving a rented BMW 316 in Inesgling, Northern Ireland Broderick crossed the wrong lane collided head on with a Volvo the driver Anna Gallagher Hannah Gallagher 28 and her mother Margaret Dorothy 63 were both killed instantly. He later forgave Broderick amid plans to meet him in 2003. Okay, there you go. He got forgiven. I know, but does that you think that way is on you? No, not at all I do. No, no, no, I think if you kill somebody. Yes, not if you're rich enough If you did he still lays in bed, if you got enough money, he doesn't care anymore. He paid the family Mark Wahlberg killed somebody too. They say Of course it's not true. Yes, it fucking it fucked with his head probably for a long long time

Yeah, it affects every aspect but not Caitlyn Jenner because fucking Caitlyn Jenner paid them off and then got a sex change And then the thing went away. Do you know about that? No fucking he killed someone on the PCH when he was still Bruce Uh-huh killed someone on the PCH and then paid them a quarter of a million dollars And it went silent then he became a woman and got time one woman. Do you think then that is the reason what do you think? You know, I think it helps speed up the transition in an effort to hide his identity That's why he became Caitlyn because of the crash. I think I think it helps speed up the guy their hair I mean, I Right, I think I sped up the transition though

I he killed someone and then not too long after it was fucking I don't think that was the catalyst But I do think it I do think he wanted to get the fuck away from it to get out of the accident Right and turn the attention to something else Yeah, that didn't happen fuck that we went out cuz now if you have children, would you allow them to get a sex change? If I have a kid and they say I want to be a boy and they're a girl. Yes, I'll say sure when I'm fucking dead, right? Right. No, I would do I would say I'd say yeah, you when you're a grown-up when you're a grown-up And now when you're a kid, I think yeah because if before 18 they shouldn't yeah You can't you can do that you should legally be allowed to do that, but you as the father have to also get a sex change with the child

That's what I believe both parents. What about both parents both parents and yeah swaps. They have to swap actually Yeah, that's what you have to do Yeah, if you want if you're gonna allow to get your child to get a sex change then I'll you the mom takes the dad's dick And then I'll cut some fat off my ass and make a put all comes a fat of her ass and make a pussy And then if we like comfortable in our bodies for a year and our child's under 18 Then then they're allowed to then get a sex change my daughter right now is five years old if that's what she wants if she's listening That's up in 13 years old that she can have my you don't I'm gonna get my penis you would never do that. Yes, that's crazy I'll take the warts off. Well, what was it?

I'm gonna open. I'm gonna be really honest. Yeah, be honest if my daughter was 18 she goes dad That's that's your daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't do that with your verse anymore. Yeah, it freaks me out Alright dad. I'm gonna do the sex change operation now socially Yeah, think about it. Yeah, I would have to go because I'm a liberal I'd have to go. You're a hardcore fucking lefty. Yeah, and we have a word for that agate Right I would have to go All right. Well, what are the procedures? What are the what's the next step, right?

And then she would go through the transition and but the whole time Hmm Do I have to be like yay? Yes, if you want to work in television and film or do or can I go? It's just what the truth is I hate I wish that this wasn't the case. I think that's what it would enter my I'm just me I'm not no jokes. It's jokes aside. Yeah, y'all know my head. I'd be like, you know I don't want this for some reason. I'm not really fully on board But I think I have to be socially so and that's what she wants. So I just is that alright for me to say sure

Yes, of course. Yeah, she's an adult who cares if your daughter's an adult and she's like I'm getting a sex change Why would you even fucking care anymore? She's an adult. You can do whatever she wants. Would you care though deep down inside? There would be no question. No, why but so then I'm the bad guy. Yeah If my kids are grown up and says I'm gonna do something I go good luck. You're fucking out You're I would really do that If she's a grown-up if she's an adult that makes decisions and is Outdoing it being an adult. Yeah, what the fuck if she's fucking nine and it's like I want I want to I want a penis. I'd be like, well, let's talk about it in nine years because Juliana's 18

I know she if she wants to get a penis go go who cares? I would allow I have I have a five-year-old daughter So I would allow her if she came up to me tomorrow and was like I think I'm a boy I want to start dressing like a boy. I would allow that I would allow that dressing like yeah I would not allow her to have any type of operation until she's 18 and has been living comfortably in that body And if she's like I'm I'm now making my own choices. I would say then you have to do what you'd like to do But my son's not playing softball. He's not no Yeah, he don't he don't play softball

Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, same thing just smaller ball. Same thing. Yeah, smaller ball. That's it Just practice on the tinier one. Yeah. Yeah, I'd let the kid do anything whatever they want when they become a grown-up But you don't let your kid do anything on their own. Yeah, she can't do anything My daughter wants to do all types of crazy shit. I won't let her do it But what's the crazy shit she asked you to do so far? Yeah, right now? Carowen, what did you say? I said, how do you shut that down? I? Told her I told her that you know She shouldn't do it and that if she wants to do it she's gonna have to do it when she's with her mother

She can't do it with me and then her mother gave it to her when you're when you're when your kids old enough Yeah, she goes daddy. Did you ever do drugs? Yeah, I well the gods on his truth is I never have done drugs Nothing not what I swear on everybody not once in my life. I smoked a little weed once. Yeah, that's it That's the only thing I've ever done. You've never been drunk. Have you been drunk? Yeah? Yes, I've been drunk if you want to cut those a drug. Yes, I've been drunk He means no weed no coke no fucking no I smoke weed five times in my life never I did an edible once in my life Never did any cocaine mushrooms heroin nothing not a zero. Wow, nothing nothing a couple of drinks I've met comics like him before they exist. Yeah, there's a lot of them

Yeah, yeah Mencia used to be like that. No, no, but he drinks Mencia didn't even drink, right? That's true Yeah, no, he still likes to have a couple of sodas. I'll have some drinks. I'll have some pops. It's just so weird Thank you for Buffy by the way, that's the one good thing aside from the birthday cake, which is cheap But Buffy is the most high-class thing that you ever bought me That was the nicest thing because the cake sucked But the thing is is that when you when I take the fucking Buffy, right? It is the most comfortable Blanket I've ever had the Buffy is the most comfortable comforter you've ever had and I gave it to you and you appreciate me Yeah, you know why cuz it's soft hemp. It's a linen fabric. It comes to all this easy breezyness. It's softer than cotton

It's more durable. It's better for the environment absorbs five times more co2 from air than trees. Yeah, it's naturally resisted Dude, I've never ever sweat since I've had a Buffy. Yeah, I swear to God in my life I used to sweat in everything now that I've got this I never sweat at night So if you are like me, man, you got to get one you have to get one We both have it. We both use it. It's definitely worth a try. It's good for the environment and it's soft on your skin And by the way, here's the best part about Buffy. You don't like it. You don't like it. Send it back Okay, you don't like it. Just send it back. That's how easy it is. They guarantee you're gonna love it For $20 off your Buffy purchase visit Buffy dot co and enter the code bad friends guys

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We get thrown off the team for that and also I will always worried it would like fuck with my heart Somehow but now I've just been you know, but now I lend bias or something Yeah, but now I but now my cholesterol and everything is through the roof because I eat like shit So it's my cholesterol and blood pressure is high Donnie was in the room with me when the doctors came to give me a COVID test and the blood pressure is too high baby So I'm gonna have to go on blood pressure medication is stroke run in your family. Mm-hmm. What about diabetes? No stroke no heart attack dive my dad's diabetic, but you know, he's a fat muffin. Yeah, but you might you might be pre pre diabetic I know my blood sugar my a1c, which is the main. Yep factor. It's 5.2. So that's fine. I want blood pressure medication. Yeah

How long For about a year. Yeah, I need to be on it. What was the blood pressure at its highest reading? What was the I don't know what the number is top number bottom. It's really the doctor told you have to go the doctor like Trumbled they people trumbled in the room. Really? Yeah. Yeah when they did it they go They couldn't they almost drop the thing, you know, why one day in One day we were doing the show and he had ordered 10 luminalis deep dish pizzas And he ate them every every single day until the next show we did the following week Yeah, and then I told him baby's got to stop and then he did once or less

Okay, I have we have six luminali pizzas in the freezer, right? There's one here at work. Yeah, right one here at the studio We'll not eat them Right. I have one the last time I ate it Last two weeks Last two weeks. What what what do you um? Have you taken your blood pressure since? No, but dude last night, um Here's what happens. I know when my blood pressure is high is when like, um

My neck hurts. Mm-hmm. Right. Look at her laughing. She knows what tools So it's for two weeks, you know, I haven't been eating pizza. What I want not right. Yes two weeks. No pizza. No Two weeks. Yeah, ask her. What have you been eating? I go I'll go do like, um tender greens and get a salad very good, right? Or do and I do that while you're laughing Huh, you're acting like Alice sheety from the breakfast. I don't like that. All right And I'll go to creation and only drink juice. $40 juice. Yeah, $40 juice Um last time, you know, no big deal. I was playing and did you have some cake for your birthday? Yeah, a little bit. I was playing video games after headphones on. Yeah, and my brother and I were um

You know, we're in a house And we could hear footsteps coming in right and we're scared, right? I'm like Steve wait Flank um flank um, right and I'm upstairs with the gun, right? We already had a loadout, right? So I have my loadout, right? I'm just you know my point, right? all of us in here is Right and literally right my fucking neck clinked Like that and then my left arm came numb Um, and like I almost had a fucking stroke. I turn around is these fucking little fucking island gooks

Sneaky little island gooks like they did in fucking platoon. Yeah, right in platoon the whole Ho Chi Minh Ho Chi Minh, right? They dig holes They live in a tree for three weeks with a banana and a fucking handgun That's why they won the fucking war. Banana is good to lower blood pressure. I know but yeah, right But that's how they won these little fucking little fuckers, right? Yeah, they know where all the holes are Yeah, they don't give a fuck. I'll just hide in a hole for fucking a month when somebody comes they snatch them She put it on instagram. Did you guys put that up on instagram the video? Right. I almost had a fucking stroke. So, you know when when I get you know

What are you doing? I'm gonna show I'm gonna show everyone the nice video of you almost Yeah, but go ahead say you almost had a stroke. Would you turn around? I almost had a fucking stroke, dude, and I and I looked at Kalei like uh, you can never do that again Right, I could fucking die right but you could you weren't gonna die. You weren't gonna die though Dude, I know but I could have a stroke. No, but the chances of you as 49 year old with having a stroke or a heart attack is low Even with high blood pressure Yeah, it's all prevented if they're they want you to go on the medication now to prevent something happening when you're Well, that's why I've been taking it every day. I take it every day. Yeah, yeah

Wait, you but you're not oh well your dad did die of a stroke. Yeah, dude All my family members, right? Had had strokes and they've been paralyzed from the neck down. They smoke cigarettes though cigarettes is big Oh, you smoke too. Okay. Yeah, okay. So, you know, I told you about my grandmother for 25 years She never left the house Right, and then you know, I told you about the welts and stuff didn't have a grandmother too got run over by a tank or something What was that story? Oh, you told me that on tiger on tiger belly. Yeah, I had a aunt You know, I mean who was run over by a mill. Oh, there he is

Happy birthday Oh, it's so funny. I like at the end the last part when they just stare into his face I would have came at the end and hit him with a fucking wiffle ball bat. Look at his face Happy birthday to you Oh, man, that's so funny to me, dude You're gonna be fine You'll be fine. Do you have an insurance policy on yourself? By the way, do they have an insurance policy on you because if they fucking kill you, they're gonna get paid

Is there any money to be had or is it just savings? Well, um, colada said that, um Um Colella said that if I um, if we have a baby, yeah that she she needs her to be on the will She needs to be on your will. Yeah, of course because she's gonna raise your child Yeah, I got a life insurance policy if I die my kid's mom will get it all How much is your life insurance policy for two mil? Wow. Yeah, you're worth a lot. Yeah, the blow job she gave me a couple weeks ago. No Go on

Well, I don't know if there's a problem I can ask a question. Yeah, uh, so she likes this actor. What's the actor that she likes? Who takes a his spat in some hispanic actor that she likes Michael Pena? No, if it's him, I'll kill myself. Uh, uh fluffy. No, really glaceous. Yeah. So anyway, I go She was we're hooking up and I go Blow me I go blow me like that actor the guy that you liked, right? And she did things That she's never done before to my day because she pretended you were who some other actor, right? She said I got an I want to know who it is shaft and she started licking my balls, right?

And she spit on it and she was like sucking on the like I was like and I go stop I go stop doing it like that. And then I got I got mad. I go That's you do it better for the other guy. Yeah, of course, but that's okay But that should be okay in a healthy sexual relationship fantasy fantasy fantasy. You don't do ever fancy. You don't ever think she's somebody else I want those moves too. You went you just got him. You got exactly Yeah, but that's for me. No, well, you're not you anymore. Yeah, you're not you anymore. You've been together too long Because if I'm you know, our girls should I do it like Natalie Portman? I wouldn't go And do you know, man spit and do the whole fucking thing. You know, you'd sit and have a conversation whether she's Natalie Portman

Not an award-winning actress. Yeah. Yeah, what do you what do you mean? Do you ever visualize she's somebody else? Or when I'm in my mind, maybe yes. Yeah, do you do it? You have to yeah, you don't have a choice. You have to what do you mean? Yeah, once you've had sex with your significant other enough, dude, your mind has to make make up that there's something else Yeah, absolutely, man. We do role-playing. Oh, you do what role-play I I'll say it and then and then I'll I'll see if it's okay to say it. Yeah Yeah, we'll see if it's okay

Hold on we do camps. We do camp stuff Like you're camping No, like we're in a summer camp Like she's a counselor and you're a student No, shit. Nope. What is her name? Does she have a counselor name? No, I just call her counselor counselor You're like counselor Kalilah. Yeah, and she's like, yes little boy. How old are you in this fantasy? Are you Jewish? Do you put on a yarmulke? Is it Jewish summer camp? But I've asked about like Jewish Jewish people do I've surrised this I could do. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, no dairy

Go ahead. So I um Yeah, I'm a kid You're a little boy and you're what happened. Did you be bad? Were you bad by the lake? Look at look at her Is it uncomfortable? No, it's fine. Okay. Do you want to her out? She can get out of the room while you tell this nasty story It's not nasty. Well, it's beautiful. Okay. Yeah, so I'll go like you're getting trouble by the lake. What did you do? Huh? What did you do bad boy? She's like come here. Tammy. She'll just give me a name. Tammy. Yeah. Yeah What did I do wrong? I'll do it boys. Yeah, we're like, you know, yeah And she's like, you know, you know, I told you, you know to put away the equipment and you didn't put over the equipment

Right, you left the balls out. No, but I know I was playing with Johnny and the boys or whatever and then she'll go like Yeah, but when I say something so let's take your pants off You need a spanking. Okay I'll go Okay All right, and I'll slowly write meanwhile like when she sees the underwear. It's just Already, right? Hard as a rock. I like it. Yeah. Do you have a little boys underwear for the course? Of course. Yeah, I only have a tiny weddings. So I wonder it's one pair

There's a brown streak and it's only wet in the tip that it's a tip. There's a tip there That's wet. Yeah. So um, and then she'll go um lay on your back. I'm gonna give you a spanking, right? And I'll go I'll lay on my back, but how can you spank me if I'm on my back? Right, right. She goes you're clever, timmy Right She goes you know your magic step I go you need you mean my pee pee Your magic step and I go Right yeah take out your pee pee. What are you gonna do?

I'm scared. Oh, how do we say that? You scare? I scared Right. Yeah, and then she okay, you know what I mean? Let me kiss it like a lollipop I'm already coming Juices are just like you know what I mean? It's like bubbling. Yeah, I mean like a little fucking cum bubbles. That's hot. Right, right. That is hot Then it's like, you know, I mean But then it turns into Well, I'm timmy and she's on top of me, right? She'll go

She'll switch it up Which is I don't like She's like I'm mark now No, no something like that. She'll go like, you know What do you like it mark or frank? So I have to be a play a different character. Oh, she wants you to switch So like she's now Fucked everyone at the camp. Oh Yeah, you know what I mean? Like she's like a cereal. She's like run a train on me

But now it's now it turns into like very aggressive right where like I've already now I'm mark And I've already heard the rumors Right, you know what she's been up to I knew all the things and I don't want to because maybe I'm gay or whatever Right, so it turns into me trying to get not maybe yeah, what not maybe yeah No, we are did she choke you. Did she ever choke you? Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah, I was a little upset with you I was a little hypocritical of your fantasy Um when you was timmy and all that and andrew that's why andrew and I were looking at each other Because you the fantasy even though he was just talking so much shit about us

His fantasy I was presuming was he was acting like he was white because yeah timmy frank until he said I scared then I knew he was chinese No, no, no, no, you got it wrong. What I am white in the fantasy In the fantasy I'm white right right and what is she is she white in the fantasy too? She's columbian. Is that white? Oh, no, it's not. It's no columbian. It's latina latina. That's basito joe joe biden She has like a mustache a little mustache. Okay And um, I love her. She's a guy. You know that in the in the scene. Yes Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I did it. I did it. Yes. Okay. No, she's a girl and uh, no, um

And then like I scared don't oh, bro. He just When I say I scared right it's like, you know, um, not asian. It's just a kid Playing around, you know, I mean with his accent a little bit. Oh, right. So it's that that's what it is So it is a white kid. Do you have fantasy? Do you have fantasies of being a little white boy? Like often? I've had fantasies like that. Yeah, do you ever fantasize of being not white me? Yeah. Yeah, really? Of course. I call those nightmares Yeah, exactly dude. Oh I did this gig once. I had a fan. I had a fantasy that I wasn't so pale one time I had I've had fantasies that I was when I went my wife and I when we have sex we we play we role play

Really? Yeah, but it's nothing like that. It's always small small happiness victories, you know It's like we'll be fucking and she'll be like I fucking I paid for the new water heater and I'll and I'll be like, oh She's like, oh, and I'm gonna fix the draw. I might paint the bathroom by myself without your help Oh, and she's like, oh, and I'm gonna cook and clean and I'm not gonna say anything and I'm like, oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and she's like and then also I invited a bunch of my friends over To just hang out with us. I'm like, yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, and she's like and then and then you can just like leave the country forever and go live somewhere else

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Bobby Lee is next and Bobby Lee comes in next. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I don't have we don't have I don't do ever do fantasy stuff. I just imagine I know she thinks I'm Tom Hardy. She wishes I was Tom Hardy. Yeah, that's her fucking. You watch you never watch porn and do it We'll watch porn and fuck that's fun. Yeah, I watch porn and then she just blew me Yeah, but the first time I as an adult I slept in a white person's house Was I used to do these back in the 90s. I used to do These uh, NACA. Yeah, the college the college thing. Yeah, you would go to like the regional thing, right? Did you ever do NACA? I did. Did you ever go do colleges? I did. How many?

Whenever I did NACA 2016 or something like that. I got like 30 of them. Wow. That's what I did I did one in Indiana and real money Illinois, Indiana So I had to go to Illinois in Indiana for a whole year Right and do all the schools right that's fucking incredible But they would book you in clumps so they would go like all right So Bobby's gonna play this school in Muncie and then he's gonna go here, right? But Two days here. He we're not gonna fly him back home, right? So he has to say somewhere So they had me at a faculty old man's house

And his wife and they lived in a wooden house, right? Crickety and they go, um, so young man bedtimes at 10 and You're sleeping in the attic. I'm not even know what an attic. Why aren't you like 30 years old when you were doing this? Oh, yeah Yeah, so go for two I had no car right and they also lived nowhere near anything else So it was like the wooden house and just snow. Oh creepy. Oh, you were in get out. Yeah Yeah, you were in get out and then I just remember smelling things

I've never smelled before like like foods No, it's cabbage. Why people's houses smell like Baseball glove mitts. Oh, love it. Oh, right. Oh god. I love that in combination with some sort of coffee asking Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, right. Yes, and then some sort of like, you know, um, you know Pumpkins pumpkin spice. Yes. A pump. Yeah. Yeah, yeah A hint, right a pumpkin spice in the air, right? Pumpkin, right? And then there's it's everything's you guys creak. Love the creek Well, we like creaky floors. Well, you I don't know if you do it with your mind Or if you do it with your fucking body, right? But you guys love to make well because we believe in ghosts

You know, so we like creaky stuff freak us out. Yeah, because we believe in ghosts There's only ghosts are white. There is no Asian ghosts. They don't mean that's ours And then what's up with you look like a ghost. Thank you. Yeah quilts We like quilts. What the fuck is a fuck you and the quilt. We love quilts. Well, we love the Amish. You know, what's a great thing too? It's called it's called a quillo. I used to have a quillo. It's a quilt inside a pillow. Oh Shout out the Amish people. I just remember like like I I don't go to bed to like I've always been like that four or five in the morning Yeah, so I mind you and I'm starving You can't go to the kitchen before 10, you know, I mean after 10. Yeah

So then I'm like starving three in the morning. No money, right? In a dark attic with a quilt It's freezing, right trembling right and like you you start thinking things like Should I just get out of the business? Why don't you go downstairs and just get food? They wouldn't let you they had that like a rule that you couldn't and you didn't want to creak Oh, yeah, I don't want to creak also. I don't know. I don't know. Don't you have those little shoes those little tiny shoes that tie your feet Don't you bind your feet? Don't you guys bind your feet at night to make your toes smaller?

Yeah, how did you eat? Did you bring your own chopsticks or did you just use their utensils? How do you so much pizza with chopsticks? You didn't want to go downstairs you want to get out of the business, but then what what woke you up to stay in the business, huh? The money the checks Bobby close your eyes close your eyes Count to three We're just kidding that's so racist. I'm just kidding That's the most racist thing you've ever heard. Well, I'm I'm my eyes are obviously closed

Right Right You you really couldn't tell well, okay close them now. Let me see. Oh, yeah. No not really can't really fucking tell The first They didn't even know the people in Indiana didn't even know you were Asian poppy. They just thought you had allergies or something It's a fever season. Yeah, no, but can I ask you Bobby though? Why didn't you just go because I you know I I understand at that point, you know, I know there was some money to be made But so why didn't you just stay in like a remod or like a bullshit hotel instead of the white people weird white people's homes?

Because you you know what back then I had such little money. Yeah, they control you have the college books college, you know, but they control everything. Yeah, but then they controlled everything the money right away and all that right, right, okay Imagine having no money Okay, your bank account and you're relying on these checks and then but these checks you won't get for another four fucking months I understand it's a terrible way to live But and it's like at the time, you know, I had no choice and then the gigs were terrible, you know, you've been done those gigs Sure

Yeah, and you also feel scared to not do what they tell you to do Absolutely So you're like if I if they told me I have to stay with these old fucking weirdos I have to because if I don't they'll go you're never working again We're gonna make sure that you don't you know, that's the fear in your head is like well I'll just play by their fucking rules and I'll just do what they asked me right dude for years I never asked for a better room You know when they like check in in the beginning and they put you in a hotel next to like the fucking dumpster in the basement

Next to like the elevator Sure, and I used to just be like I can't ask for a new room because I didn't pay for it and fucking They'll tell me to go fuck myself and then finally you get the confidence to be like Hey, can I not sleep near where the janitor masterbates at night? Like I don't want to be in the fucking crowded weird corner of the hotel and they're like, oh, yeah Yeah, we didn't you just have to ask right, but you're nervous back then you don't want to fucking even ruin the relationship now I wouldn't ask now. Fuck yes But it just comes from a play it just but I only started doing those things when I

Had my daughter because I started a lot of self-worth came when I became a father because I would start to say Well, I need to feel good about myself and and justify leaving her for X amount of time So I if I'm going to be away from her what helps me feel better about myself is if I'm Ultimately comfortable and that that's why I would upgrade the room So I would never introspectively look at myself until until I had a daughter Right, but at the comedy club Do you do like if there's something not right with it? Would you say something? Yes, and I wouldn't stay in the condo anymore just because I'd say I don't do

I'd rather not do the gig than do the condo and it's not a I think I'm so good Oh, let's have a club owner, right? Yes, and you're headlining, right? Yes, and and I say to you you come and I go Hey chris big fan. Ha ha. I love the hi-ya-ya now. Yeah podcast. It's great. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but um Um, yeah, we love it and that the punjab. What's this the hairy guy that you're doing with? Oh, uh, Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's Turkish. Very funny guy. Yeah. Easy punjab or yeah, youngy small hands. Yeah so, um Anyway, um, there's no green room because um, you know during the day we do this, um, you know We do a one-man show, you know, Todd Mcgivans is doing a one-man show. He's fucking so funny funny

You know, he's doing a one-man show about his trauma and how was he was he was molested by pygmies Oh, Bobby Lee doesn't act just like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And and then I walked the fucking Italian guy Um, but no because yeah He's pro pygmy. Yeah. So and then he goes anyway, so there's no green room and um, it's weird It's like we're you do great numbers for us. Thank you so much But we don't really have any water for you. So if you can go across the street and go to the Just go get your some some water if you want some right no green room and you get your own water

We have a hallway. We're the next to the bathroom. So just we have a couch there. You can just hang out there. Yeah What would you say? I initially I would I would have just done it and taken it but today. Yeah today I would I would just say no you have to you have to go you have to go get me water I would tell him you have to fucking go get me water And then uh, and then if he didn't I obviously, you know, because I'm u.s. Passport, whatever I brandished my weapon And I put it in his fucking mouth And I'd say listen fuck nuts. Yeah. Yeah, do you go get me some fucking aqua fenas right now some jelly donuts with some straws

Because I've never done drugs. So instead I snort the jelly. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking put two in the back of your skull I'm gonna get gonna get away with it because my father's a criminal. That's what I'd say Yeah, that's what I'd say to you would really say that yeah, and then I without the gun you would say that probably I would I would probably say something similar I'd say something like yeah, I'm not you have to go get me the water now because uh, you know Fuck them. It's like, uh, they can't treat me that way anymore But I say that but again, that's probably more fantasy because probably I guess yeah, maybe I would I don't know I'd probably call my mom and ask her tell her tell her tell me what to do. I'd say go to yeah

I would I don't know. I don't have a good answer. I would probably do even something like I'll be passive aggressive You are fine. I'd say I'd say that's fine It's just that I'll just tell every and I you know, I don't know if you know, but I know everyone I'd tell everyone effort to play this You know what he would do he would come on this show and talk shit about it Yeah, and light them on fire and then and then the internet would take course of it And then the club owner or the or someone would reach out to hammer a manager and go Hey, why would you being?

Why did you say that about the thing and then he would let other people deal with the the ramification ramifications? He's very good at that. No, but that's smart. He drops a bomb and goes they fill you gotta put put people to protect you You're so funny. No, I had a couple of bombs like a couple of zero. You guys met at open anthony. Yeah Open it. Did you ever do open anthony or that was never? Yeah, that was like the last like that was like the new york Fucking, but it was also like I had nothing. I had no connection in new york I started out here and I and I continue my career out here and I never when I went to new york The only reason I got spots is because they knew who I was By the time I got stuff out here

I understand when I went to new york people like you're gonna bounce around and do shows like I didn't fucking know anybody I'd do the stand or stand up new york or whoever would let me in but that's where you learned I learned how to do podcasting Open anthem is opening the same with me because when I went there I'm like because you know how you do normal radio shows and like so we don't talk about sex Here and we don't talk about um, just do your act. Yeah, that's what works here You know, man, you're like, I don't want to this is not fun. They're like bob. You're from south korea, right? Tell us about it. Yeah, but then an open anthony, right? They're like, you were molested. Ha ha ha whatever and I was

Oh, I like it. Yeah And open and it was good because what you what I learned the would learn the hard way and They kept inviting me back Which I was thankful for because it did not go well the first three times is when you bomb There's no fake laugh when you bomb they fuck like what if you bomb in front of like One time I was on it was me rich boss Bobby Kelly Collin Quinn opie and anthony and I said something that fucking bombed and then it was which if that was a radio show

They would just laugh and ha and then move on and what do you think about the con? But it's not that it then the camera's on you and it's like what the fuck are you doing? And then it's just and then it's just for an hour just ripping. Yeah, I love but that's how you get the skin You know, I you know the first time I did it. Did you know that I left? Yeah, when you started to cry or whatever. Yeah, yeah, so I remember that because I didn't know what it was Right, so I show up. It was Norton It was Greg. It was Patrice. It was a bunch of people, right? Yeah, and they were ripping on me so hard I didn't know what it was

And I just stood up And I left you walked out. Yeah, and then so the next year I had to do it again And I and I looked at the like press thing. I go. I gotta do it again Right, so but this time I go I'm going to go in Like self deprecating myself. Yes, smart, right? Yeah, I'm fat. I'm ugly. I mean just what I went crazy And that's what fit in there. You know, I mean, so yeah, it was really a hard at first But it's it it changed the way I approached things man. It was a really cool show

You just have to get used to I remember like one time piff the magic dragon came in and he was a little late And I felt bad because like I am stuck in traffic He's got his fucking dragon costume on even though we sell tickets. You're like Jesus. It's gonna suck I don't know him. No. Yeah, American Gut. He got America's Got Talent Yeah, like one America's Got Talent. He's got millions of dollars, but he's got to walk around in a fucking dragon suit And I remember he was like late magic. Yeah, so, you know, you feel bad You're like, what the fuck this kid's in a dragon suit was the summertime But he's got to do it. It's the act. He's making real money

So so he sat down and I was they had some Sandwich shop had come with sandwiches and I went to go give piff a piece of sandwich because I felt bad and Jim Norm was like, don't give him any food. This isn't a fucking fort and then he just And then Jim and then He said and I was like, I just want to give the kid a sandwich because he gave him a piece of food You get the fuck off my show and I was like, oh, this is great. You know, he said this isn't a fort So that's just how they are, but it's great. I don't know. Why do I not know who piff is? You would have killed on opening Anthony. You would have been the guy for them

That was if you lived in New York, you would have been a regular there. You wouldn't know and all those I wish I lived in New York. I when I started I started out here and I thought it was a bad decision But I already moved out here Right if for me it was like, am I going to move to New York or am I going to move to LA? The difference between living in New York and LA is you have a Mercedes and I have a Chevy Equinox That's the difference That was we talked about the funniest quote that Tim Dillon ever said to me was like, I gotta get the fuck out of New York All my heroes take the train. Joe Rogan's going to gigs and spaceships and shit

He would I mean, honestly, it's it's it but the difference is like we just The difference from why I had to start out here. I think was New York to me was Too tough in my mind. I was like, I'll never make it in that comedy scene out there. There's fucking because they're all Most of you guys are East Coast guys that grew up there, right? Yes. Yeah, not out here It's assholes from everywhere So it was more comfortable for me to go if I'm going to go to a place where most people aren't from there At least we'll have that in common. Yeah, right that you're from even you from San Diego. It's like this isn't your home You know, so like even guys that are local here. No one's fucking from here, right? Like the only guys I can think they're born and raised in LA were like

Shit, I don't know what famous comic what comics do we know? They're born and raised you. I can't name fucking one I don't know any of my friends that were born and raised here They're born and raised in Los Angeles in LA. No, I don't know any I mean surround near LA A lot of guys are from like either Riverside or inland or Orange County or but no one's from like Hollywood or LA No, right. Yeah, so I felt comfortable because then Whenever I go to New York is like you're off of Brooklyn or Queens or whatever. I'm like, that's like your home So you're already safe right to me. That was the scariest thing. That's yeah I think too like sometimes people I remember early on would be like, oh, you know, it's crazy really taking a leap due in comedy

It's like I'm not I'm taking the train six stops To fucking live my dream. You know, this was insane. This is insane What you guys did is left your home. Yeah to come that to me is way more impressive Then I took literally took if it didn't work. I could just take the train back. I was living with my mother If it never worked out, what were you gonna do? I was a physical therapist. I was a pediatric therapist Yeah, what I mean, that's I had a doctor degree to have it still in physical therapy So I just fucking was a pediatric physical therapist It's just what I when the when the pandemic hit governor Cuomo from New York

Just gave every healthcare professional that's licenses had expired or lapsed. They didn't have any criminality on it or anything They just reinstated our license. I got an email. They're like congratulations. You've been reinstated. So now I'm a technically I'm a licensed physical therapist. I could give both of you guys advice on camera. No problem. No, I cannot be sued And I haven't I haven't done it in six years. It's been lapsed for whatever six seven years when it yet I left I became professional community or left physical therapy to do comedy full-time in 2013 So yeah seven years So you were taking on you were taking on PT clients while you were still doing stand-up. Oh, of course, dude That's how I used to go any any show I got on in the beginning would be doing the open mics and then either

You know bringing three people handing out flyers or but most of them were Uh, hey, I have a bar show. I don't know who you are, but heard your physical therapist, which is a doctor to them Can you take a look at my back or my knee or so many dicks? I'm not even trying to be funny It's like so many comedians would be like can you look at my penis for what for like something wrong std's and I'd be like But I'm a physical therapist like I can I give massages They were like, yeah, look at my dick. Look at my dick and I'd be like look. I'm not licensed to tell you this But it is her piece But I'm not but don't but but then they would give me spots on the show

So so many comedians that like I've looked down their fucking dick holes many times and like, oh, okay Go up go do five and that's why I got the nicest the nice truly the nicest dick I've ever seen and it's by the way, it's clean as a fucking whistle comic dan soter sody beautiful beautiful cock Beautiful cock. He's got that deep guttural voice too. Yeah and clean clean clean. Who's the dirtiest dirtiest dick I've ever seen Gary Goldman Who's the dirtiest cock that I really saw that was like oof They were like flies coming up. No

I don't know. I don't have a dirty penis I can't think off the top of my head now. Who had just a real disc joe de rosa disgusting cock No, I love you joey d joey joe de rose Yeah, but that's that's well, it's funny to think that you You could if this all falls apart you could still do pt like if this falls apart You're not you're fucked if I like if you get out of comedy you're you're can't you can't do anything You'd be a great pt. By the way, Asians are great pts. Thank you. I'll do pt because they have little hands They get in between the bones you go right in between the bones pitty pitty. Yeah, they go pita almost in my filipino

Now filipino, you know, it's a sense that you say that like first I I would have I'd have to work I would figure it out. No, you wouldn't it's like if there was a zombie apocalypse, right? Oh my god, it's gonna go. Okay. I'm gonna die. Yep. No. No. No, I'm gonna go. Yes. No, I'm gonna do the fucking What is this? No, dude, the window right and the fucking wood plant. I'm gonna board it I'm boarding up the windows Right, and no, you're not you don't have a hammer in your house or nails or fucking wood. I'm gonna fucking farm, dude Shut up. Oh, baby. We gotta eat. I'm gonna farm plant seeds organic seeds

This is a guy that orders food every fucking night. He's never cooked in his life. Bobby's very smart and very I remember when we went out for that breakfast after the first time he met you were the one who told me you said Hey, you should have some real estate. You should invest. You're very good and smart with your money. Thank you Very good. I don't remember that, but thank you. How you do? I'm gonna put the barbed wire I'm gonna do it Put the bar bar on the top of the fucking fence, right? You know what I'm gonna do? Cement bricklayer. No, the Chinese do that. Yeah, and they're good at it too. They're good at it with the Chinese Right and then put the fucking pole in the ground. So when

I think they get stabbed, right? Here's you. Here's you in reality. It's a zombie apocalypse Oh, just gotta go to the internet? Yeah, there will. Yeah, there will. You think nerds are gonna take Nerds will preserve the internet before anything else. Everything else will fail. They'll like we need to have fucking internet They'll still you'll still be online playing a game. There was a there was a good call Korean zombie film on Netflix called hashtag alive Pretty good, right? Never seen it. Yeah, and it's about a Korean kid Right. He's living in an apartment complex. Everyone goes zombie, right? And he now has to survive I I did when I was watching the movie. I didn't think uh, I died

I Would die you wouldn't I think you're a survivor body now. You're wrong. You are a survivor I need like ramen or something, you know, I mean Here I couldn't serve It's relax. I got you the lobster flavor for your birthday Oh god lobster sounds like the fucking word. It's this is a nang shim Ball noodle savory soup lobster artificially flavored. It's bpa free. No offense. No offense, but I'm not gonna take it Are you seriously? Yeah? I bought you a gift. That's food. That's a dollar. No, it's not

But then I bought you the chocolate chip. Uh, espresso. I don't know why You know, it's so funny. I went out of my way to get this cake and I knowing that See, there's a relationship that you have to understand about like I already knew that this was a waste of money and time But I did it anyway because unconditional love is what I thought that the council I'm gonna say that the cake in itself, right? Yeah, I'm not probably gonna eat it. Of course not, right? But the idea that you went out of your way to buy it, right? It flutters my heart But would you ever say the blood pressure medication? Yeah, that could probably It could be having a stroke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thank you so much for it. Do you mean it? Yeah

Can I nitpick a bit? Yeah Yeah, I like the nitpick because I know it's coming. Yeah, it's just you know, because you know I got cakes from my girlfriend last night, right? And you could tell that it was from a high end Like a high end bakery and that you know, she she put like a month in It's one of those places like you got a lesson a month in advance because we enrich the wheat or whatever However, they make cake, right? Yeah, they enrich the wheat. Yeah, and we get like, you know, me Himalayan Himalayan salt double zero flower. Oh, you know, I mean duck egg instead of red. You know, I mean, they really

Well for you. Yeah, yeah, everything's organic and American free, right? But um, this was like ralphs That's ralphs Two things that's we made 10,000 of these and we don't give fuck. First of all, how much is that $3.99? First of all, it was put stuff on it. That's what that is 1899. Yeah That's vans Yeah, no, really. Where'd you get that? You know vans. Yeah, exactly. It's not from a bakery It's from von the bakery at vans the grocery store. Oh, yeah And the woman said I said, can you write stuff on cakes? She said no

We usually can't write stuff anymore because of people want obscenities or something gross and we can't do that So you did that. No, she said she said but I will write happy birthday I said, well, will you write his nickname? Yeah And she said, uh, I don't think we can I said it's my friend bobby lee. She goes the comedian I said, yeah, she goes. I love him. I said, really? She goes. Yes. She goes. I'll be right back So she wrote happy birthday sleepy bobo noodles I did not tell her to say that she wrote vans for racism. I she wrote that. Why right? She was asian. Oh, that's fine. She was asian

But um, so I appreciate the gesture. Yeah, it's in my heart. Martha at martha at vans. It's ghetto shit. Oh, this is ghetto shit elevate your game This is ghetto shit elevate your game. Is there anything fun if you cut into it? Yeah You might not write italian Don't do it. No, I'll do it. I'll do it. It'll end everything. Yeah, it'll end the episode Fucking punch him in the face Exactly oh Threaten me again do it say I won't do it

All right, but all right. I'm gonna do it, but I will do it I promise you okay, but I'm gonna I promise you if that cake hits my face Uh-huh, you haven't seen the side of me and it's gonna cause problems So you're you think I'm scared of you bitch. You think I'm fucking scared of you. You're a full-blown pussy Right if you don't fucking throw that cake at my face So you said don't throw it at your face And now you want me to throw it at your face I don't want you to do it, but you're a pussy if you don't but if you do it

It's gonna end the podcast. Oh, oh, this is it forever. This is the last episode But if you're put your pussy if you throw it how much longer you're gonna do the podcast anyway though, dude Maybe another week or two Do it dude Do it fucking Democrat. You know why no, I'm kidding. No, do you know why I'm not gonna throw it? Do you know why why is the pussy no no because because I'll have to clean it up right because he doesn't do anything here He's a lazy piece of shit. He shows up late and doesn't contribute at all. All right, so I don't want to clean it up Or worse comes to worse. He'll make fucking he'll make Rudy clean it up, which is even more disgusting. Is it good the cake?

You don't bring any utensils. No, no, there's utensils there if we want to eat it. Let's eat it Happy birthday you piece of shit birthday looking at the camera there Chris and say thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad lad Chris say it. Oh Thank you for being a bad friend Now say it. Thank you for being a bad friend