Bad Friends - Heaven's Back Door

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Starting point is 00:00:25 BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo! White dude and Asian dude. Woo! You two are disgusting.

Starting point is 00:00:38 Woo! You two are something. We're bad friends. So what I'm gonna say to you that is, that's my final straw. Okay, and before when I came here, dude, no, no, no, just hear me out. Hear me out!

Starting point is 00:00:52 Hear me out, dude! Hear me out, right? We're not even gonna air this part. We are airing this. I'm putting my foot down, dude. Put it down. I'm tired of being, don't walk on, tread on me. Don't tread on me.

Starting point is 00:01:01 All right? I have a statement. All right, so here's my statement. I have a statement as well, okay? Since the last podcast, you too, McCone, I've been thinking about the ways you guys treat me. You treat me like, not you. Okay, thank God.

Starting point is 00:01:14 I wasn't even, I didn't say your name. You looked over here, so I thought it was me. No, I was looking for backage. Affirmation? Backage. Oh, backage? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blockage or backage?

Starting point is 00:01:22 My back. I've got your backage. That's right, yeah, you got my backage. Now let you something you scumbags. Listen up. Yeah, all of you Want me to know you're good. Yeah, just those two go ahead. No you go Backing up and I'm being I'm just being Korean. No, no, what I do. No, it's not right. Okay. Okay. I'm trying to back obviously I am Yeah, always. Yeah, right. So sometimes I feel black Hmm, I do too. Okay, you know me and Al Green. What are you tonight?

Starting point is 00:01:52 Are you bill up by you black or Korean tonight? I'm Armenian Armenian today. We'll get them, baby Yeah, I feel I have extra hair on my legs. Ooh, they played chess at the park today. Yeah. No you move your car and I played chess at the park today. Yeah. No, you move your car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so, you know, and I'm being completely honest, okay, and I'm being very mindful, all right?

Starting point is 00:02:11 So, you know, the last time we worked together, you ripped on me a couple of times, out of nowhere, you two McCone saying that I'm a bad actor, which is really interesting because I had directors come over to my house today and to pitch me on a movie. So many different opportunities,

Starting point is 00:02:24 but, you know, to each his own. But what I want to say to you is that and I came in here I was joking around like going I'm not going to do your movie but because you slammed my dick. No I'm being real right. I'm saying my dick is small and I have to spread it around. Very funny by the way. It was. And touche to you. But what I'm gonna say to you is I will not work for you as an actor This is this is the only me not for me Now I'm not gonna do anything with you with or for or behind any front nothing only this pod because look I'm sure there's contract signed. Well, he works for us exactly. So um Find somebody else. I'm not doing it.

Starting point is 00:03:05 Can I read my statement? No, no, no. I don't care what it is. I will not do it. I'm too busy. It was a favor in the first place, but I only do favors for people that have my package. Package. Package people. Package boys. And there's no back there. Let's hear your stupid statement. Let me hear your stupid statement. Yeah. Okay, first of all,

Starting point is 00:03:26 I want to say that no one has forced me to read this. And that I'm doing it on my free will. Okay. I recognize that lately my actions on this show have been less than ideal. I realized that making fun of Bobby is out of pocket. I was taught that in comedy you have to punch up, but maybe I am a little too high.

Starting point is 00:03:48 So from now on, I'll be switching teams, aim a little lower, and I'll direct my really funny jibs at Santino. Thank you. Wow. Okay. What do you think? That's a pretty good statement.

Starting point is 00:03:59 It's not good. By the way, you come at me, I'm gonna rip you to shreds. Right, and also, I know, I'm scared. Literally, I don't trust it. Oh, you think? Literally, I'm gonna rip you to shreds. Right, and also, I know, I'm scared. Literally, I don't trust it. Literally, I don't. Do you think his wife wrote that? Someone else wrote that, that doesn't sound like you.

Starting point is 00:04:12 And also, I want a statement that you haven't written, because that's, you're thinking about it. He's thinking about it, yeah. What I'm saying is, I want a statement from the heart. Not premeditated. Not premeditated, I want you to be in the moment and really feel your feelings and express yourself. Right?

Starting point is 00:04:27 I don't think you're capable of doing that. No, you're not. Because you're a shallow of a man. Yeah. You're right. You're a Baja shelf. Do you know what that is? No.

Starting point is 00:04:36 I got that at BajaFresh once. Yeah. A Baja shelf is a thing in a swimming pool that's like the little shallow area for little babies to sit on. Oh, shit. I learned something new every day. Look at that. That's a Baja shelf. You are a Baja shelf. Dude, you're a Baja shelf for sure.

Starting point is 00:04:47 You're a Baja shelf, pal. I'll take it. No, you don't take it. Okay, I don't take it. No. Yeah, yeah. Bobby, I love you, you are the funniest person I know. That's not working.

Starting point is 00:04:56 That's not working. It's not working. Well, can we celebrate today? What's going on? OJ died. That's not celebrating. What are you talking about? Ding dong, the witch is dead. That's not celebrating. What are you talking about? Ding-dong the witch is dead.

Starting point is 00:05:05 I'm not celebrating. Oh you are you think you didn't do it. Do what? Okay. No no whoa whoa whoa whoa. The glove didn't fit. Yeah well you must have quit. You must have quit. Do what? Murder his wife. No, I- Guy who has no idea. Yeah, he 100% did that. I mean- Right. By the way, the devil got him finally. They tried to put him away in jail, didn't work.

Starting point is 00:05:35 Then he died of cancer. Cancer? He was 74 or 76? Pretty young, that's relatively young. Yeah. 76, yeah. I mean, Richard Lewis died at 76 and he didn't murder anybody.

Starting point is 00:05:46 So it's like... I think Richard died from cancer and he died a happy life. He lived a happy, wonderful, beautiful life. He was a happy man. This guy was tortured his entire, rightfully so. He was tortured to the end of his life. Right.

Starting point is 00:06:00 He couldn't get away from himself. What if he didn't do it though? Who do you think did It could she could it could have been like a double suicide, you know, Kato Kaelin We would have been that stab like what 10,000 times she got it went No, no, he did it He's back I would have done it. Yeah. Yeah, that was the word. That's the worst part about I'm not I don't know anything I'm not a lawyer. I'm a dumb guy

Starting point is 00:06:22 Why don't you have to prove who did do it then? What? No, whoa, whoa. You're blowing my mind right. What? How come you never have to prove who did it? If you find out he didn't do it, how come then it goes away? Well, he did it.

Starting point is 00:06:37 No, but they proved that he didn't. But he still did it. I know. So if he did it, why would you go, like he did it, why would I go, oh, let's find somebody else that did it? No, but I'm saying they, they proved quote unquote that he didn't do it in, in, in, in, in a court of law. He lost civil, but he won the legal.

Starting point is 00:06:57 Right. So legally they said he didn't kill her. He didn't legally. Yes, he did. I know he did. So who then if they say no, who did it? he did. I know he did. So then if they say no, who did it? This is like who's on first.

Starting point is 00:07:08 This is like the newest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you're saying, okay. Legally, when it comes to files. Murder in the first degree, when it comes to it, they said he didn't do it. Exactly. So whom did?

Starting point is 00:07:21 He did. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, and at the ultimate test, if there was a heaven or hell. This is brilliant. Right? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Right? That's where we'll find out. Oh, right, right, right. Now, if I die and I go to heaven and OJ is just chilling, right? How shocked. I would be, there's so many people up there that would be, like if you saw Hitler,

Starting point is 00:07:45 I'd be shocked. Bobby! Great to see you! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hitler? Yeah, that would be- What are you doing up here? Yeah, well I'm like chilling on a cloud, right?

Starting point is 00:07:57 And I look over and it's like, and Dahmer's chewing on something. A human foot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it's like, Oh. Oh, we have machines that do it. Happy that you got in here, Robert. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:10 By the way, Hitler, how funny if Hitler was like, you're not gonna believe this, there's a back door. Oh, he got in. He was able to sneak in. Oh wow wow. There's a back door to heaven. You know what's so funny is even if you're a bad person in the afterlife like Hitler and one of these guys,

Starting point is 00:08:23 I bet you they know enough people to get in still. Just like. It's just like Hollywood in the real world. How about this? If Hitler was alive today. I got one for you too. If you were throwing a house party. Right. And here you go. Oh, I'm coming. I'm coming. There's so much music There's so much. You're in Hey, it's me. It's Hitler. Oh oh How do we I saw I heard this was a party I could go to to have a good time Yeah, but who is the who what do you mean who how did I what's weird is is that this is not like a normal party?

Starting point is 00:09:03 It's my my friend who's Jewish. It's a permits for. I love you. I know, but I just think that your presence here, it's just kind of rude. He's 12, 13. Are you gonna believe all the rumors about me and not really get to know me as a real man?

Starting point is 00:09:19 I know. I've just read too much, I think. So you've read too much about me? I did. Yeah, but what? You believe everything else you read? I'll tell you think. So you read too much about me? I did. Yeah, but what? You believe everything else you read? Everything you read about me. I'll tell you what. Name one thing I did.

Starting point is 00:09:31 How about this? Yeah. Name six million things I did wrong. Right, right, right. I get what you're doing. Yeah, so anyway, what would you do if he came? I'd let him in. Sit him down.

Starting point is 00:09:42 Sit him down, yeah. Reprimand him for his crimes. He's almost- Wanna know what was going on in his head? What's going on? He's almost too big to not let him in. That's what I'm saying. Is that weird to say it's like-

Starting point is 00:09:53 You know what I mean. He's a legend. I mean, in the worst way possible. Right, he's- But he's a legend. No, this is something interesting. He's so infamous, you would wanna talk to him first. I wanna understand-

Starting point is 00:10:04 Dude, there's Jesus Christ. I mean, in terms of like- I just said Hitler. Glup. In terms of like, you know what I mean, historical, legendary characters, right? Hitler's one, Cleopatra has got to be one. Like you wouldn't say no Cleopatra. Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:10:21 He's hot too, I'm black. What about- I need black people in my party. Like Pol Pot. What? I want to understand. No, they don't know Pol Pot. Genghis Khan. Definitely Genghis.

Starting point is 00:10:29 I want to know. Definitely Genghis. You want to go, how are you so fucking insane? Right. What's going, how did this happen? Exactly. I think his, like, like Jobe. Jobe.

Starting point is 00:10:39 Dude, Jobe's a sad character. I'm letting Jobe in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just all his woes. You know what I mean? How many people died? This is the thing. Dude, Job's a sad character. I'm letting Job in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just all his woes. How many people died? This is the thing. He took my wife and my children and famine.

Starting point is 00:10:53 But then he gave me a hotter wife or whatever happened, you know what I mean? I'd wanna know. Yeah. I gotta know. What drove you? I'm gonna throw you some names and see if you let them in. Okay.

Starting point is 00:11:03 Stalin. Yeah, I got his books. Oh, his biography? Yeah. I got a good one, dude. Vlad the Impaler. Love, would love to know. Why, why?

Starting point is 00:11:16 One of the most fascinating people on earth. Yeah, but what if he brings like, you know. Like a head with him? Yeah, no. I brought my guillotine. Vlad, do you bring your guillotine to the no. I brought my guillotine. Vlad, do you bring your guillotine to the party? I brought my guillotine. I'm sorry, are you saying you're Valentine?

Starting point is 00:11:30 What are you saying? Happy Valentine's Day. Oh, thank you. I brought my guillotine for Valentine's Day. Wow, so that's interesting. Did you hear about this Vietnamese woman? I love her. She's getting the death penalty?

Starting point is 00:11:44 Why? Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon. Vietnamese woman? I love them. She's getting the death penalty? Uh huh, why? Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon, you say it, I bet you, I guess you know. Oh I know how to do it. What is it? Vat Nam, Sinti, real estate tycoon, Chung Mo Lo. Chung Mai Lan.

Starting point is 00:11:58 Death largest ever frog place. We're getting him to learn how to do it. Yeah, I'll do it again you give me another shot here go back Vietnamese sentences real estate tycoon trung my lawn to death is fuck Vietnam I'm gonna do it as a new you know what I want to in a will you reach out to K cal the news Local LA news to see if we could become a newscasters for a day to see if he could do the I want to see I'm not gonna want to give me the shot. Can you imagine him trying to do the scroll? Oh, I can't, dude, I'm so good at teleprompter, dude.

Starting point is 00:12:29 Really? Swim in, swim in, swim in. That's not even moving. It's my eyesight, though. All right. Right. Teleprompters move, this isn't even moving and you can't read it.

Starting point is 00:12:38 Trong Ma Long is the hard thing to say, dude. Trong Ma Lan. All right, here we go. Vietnamese sentences, real estate. No, already wrong. Oh yeah, that's go. Vietnamese sentences, real estate. No, already wrong. Oh yeah, that's right. Vietnam sentences, real estate tycoon, trong my lawn to death in its largest ever fraud case. That's good, but it's so hard to hear you do it.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Why? Because I can hear you going, it's like robotic. I'm a newscaster. Oh, oh. I'm doing it as a newscaster. I'll show you how newscasters do it, you ready? You always try to show me off, man. Vietnam sentences, real estate tycoon,

Starting point is 00:13:06 Trong Mai Lan, to death in its largest ever fraud case. Do you hear like the inflection? I'll try to get it. His was way better. What did you just say? His was way better. He's not doing the movie. I'm not doing the movie.

Starting point is 00:13:17 Those things don't work with me. Okay. So this woman, Trong Mai Lan, sent it to Thursday, dead by death in Ho Chi Minh City for stealing $12.5 billion. 3% of the country's GDP. Wow. Dude, 12 billion?

Starting point is 00:13:33 How did they catch her at some point? It took you that long to get $12 billion? But that's not a death sentence, I mean stealing money is a death sentence. Why do they, they're gonna kill her. It's nuts. I mean, you should only get the death sentence why. The death sentence?

Starting point is 00:13:47 Yeah. If you murder. Bingo. You murder, you get murdered. But who murders? See, this is the, this is- Tape is a good one too. Yeah, rapay, rapay.

Starting point is 00:13:55 Let me ask you though. What? I don't know anything about my long tongue. I'm asking you about my long tongue, song. Okay, song. Song long tongue. Yeah. Try long my gong.

Starting point is 00:14:02 Try long my gong. Go ahead. Open your gong. Try my long my gun. Try long my gun. Go ahead. Open your gun. Try my lung. Okay Try my lung. You're in a good mood today, huh? Try my lung song man. He's on fire today. You know I'm in. I love it You know why? Played with the dog in the backyard before I came here But anyway, so what what is it? I play with the dog in the backyard. No, you're killing it I'm not am I not allowed to find happiness in playing with you know, it's so funny last night

Starting point is 00:14:24 I was at the store and a the backyard. No, you're killing it. Am I not allowed to find happiness in playing with the dog? You know it's so funny, last night I was at the store and a girl comes to me, you know, I didn't know you, but I'm a huge friend of Andrew, but since watching Bad Friends, you know, I got acquainted with you. She's a friend of mine? No, she's a fan. Oh, fan.

Starting point is 00:14:36 I'm tired of hearing it. It's like, yeah, I get it, he's talented. You know, it sucks, you know, sometimes you think. Funny, it never goes the other way. People always come up to me, go, fucking huge fan of Bobby, just found out about you through it, awesome. And I go, thanks, man, that's rad. I don't think, whoa, Bobby.

Starting point is 00:14:52 That's what I said last night to her. No, you didn't. You didn't even let me finish! You just said, I'm sick of hearing it! Because I'm sick of, you know, being so grateful. Fuck you, dude. Let me finish, dude. You're so foolish.

Starting point is 00:15:04 I'm so sick of like being like so proud. You're so filled with joy and pride. Joy is what I'm so grateful. Fuck you, dude. Let me finish, dude. You're so foolish. I'm so sick of being so proud. You're so filled with joy and pride. Joy is what I'm saying. And I looked at her and I go, you know what? I'm so blessed to be a part of, you know, me and the bad friend. What a great guy that I was blessed to be in partnership with. That's right. Jeez, you let me finish, man.

Starting point is 00:15:19 No, I'm sorry. You never let me finish. No, I'm sorry. I don't want to turn into fancy. My bad. That's my fault. Can I tell you something that I did the other day at the store and it was a travesty on my part.

Starting point is 00:15:30 What happened? And I can't name names because I don't want to edit things out. Got it. There was somebody that over the years I've been kind of jabbing on. Making fun of. A little bit.

Starting point is 00:15:43 Ellen's podcasting and whatnot. Okay. You know, Ellen's podcasting and whatnot. Okay. You know, a little mean. So then, last week, somebody goes, that guy's here. He never comes to the store. The guy you make fun of? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:55 No. So I ran out there, right? No, stop. I know, I'm just showing Andrew. And I see him and his wife. I knew who it was. Him and his wife. Yeah. Are you tapping your feet? Yeah. What's going on? I'm nervous, Andrew. And I see him and his wife. I knew who it was. Him and his wife. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:06 Are you tapping your feet? Yeah. What's going on? I'm nervous, that's why. Put some fucking nicotine in your mouth. Okay. No, stop. You've never noticed, I always tap my feet.

Starting point is 00:16:15 No, but it sounds, you know what it sounds like? What? When a kid's legs are swinging off a toilet and they're like just hitting the ground a little bit. That's what I'm doing. Yeah, we can lower your chair, buddy. Okay. All right. I'll stop doing it. It's okay. Distracting? Yeah, very. You know what, I'm doing. Yeah, we can lower your chair, buddy. Okay, I'll stop doing it.

Starting point is 00:16:25 It's okay. Distracting? Yeah, very. You know what, I'm gonna take my shoes off. Take them off. I don't wanna distract you today. You're a hulu. But-

Starting point is 00:16:32 Oh my God. Today I'm gonna call you hulu. But anyway, I see him and I go, what's up, man? What's up? And I give him a hug. He gets up from the table, gives me a hug. He's sitting in the audience? No, he's outside in the patio.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Got it. And his wife is, I've never met his wife before. So I go, hey, I put my hand out and she looks at my hand and she goes. No way. Yeah. She denied a handshake. Handshake.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Wow. And as I pulled away. Rage. Not rage, rage no shame Really? Yeah, because it's like I felt guilt Well, you didn't do anything wrong. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Oh, it's real brip brip. You make fun of yeah Okay, but but but but let's say this the person you're making fun of is a comedian Don't say that. Okay, we make fun of each other exactly. Well, that's what comic you make use you make fun of me all the time But you know what? You know, it felt at times it felt like I was punching down maybe

Starting point is 00:17:27 hmm so so as I pulled away it just it was like a Rain of shame and I and I walked away and I literally almost burst into tears Really because of the guilt it got ya. Yeah, because it I've talked shit for so long. But why did you talk shit? Because you really liked this person? No, because we were very competitive when we were younger.

Starting point is 00:17:50 Right. So as I walked away, I just, I became a changed man. And I got, you know what, dude? No more of that. You're gonna correct your ways. You're gonna contact this person. You're gonna make amends. And you're gonna make it right.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Did you? I didn't have his number. I don't have it. And I know the next part is, and I'm not gonna find it. No. You're not looking for it. But I have his Instagram. Okay.

Starting point is 00:18:18 So I DM'd him. Oh, right, right, right. So basically I said, I mean, I could read it to you. Read it. Really? Yeah, I'd like to hear it. OK. Because you're known to hyperbolize from time to time all the time.

Starting point is 00:18:30 But, you know, I'm going to be real here. I want to prove you. I want to prove to you that this is real, dude. I believe you. I'm not. I want to hear the verbiage. OK, here we go. So here it is. Why is it not loading? You probably. Oh, there it is. OK. Do you so you want to there it is, okay. So you wanna read it?

Starting point is 00:18:45 Yeah. Hi, so and so. It was good to briefly see you last night at the store. I noticed your wife didn't shake my hand, which is totally understandable. I've said things about you in the past on podcasts that I regret. I hope we can meet for coffee

Starting point is 00:19:03 so I can make amends to you one day. If you don't want to, I totally get it. I just want to say sorry. Wow. Okay. And? So he goes basically like, understood thank you. That's it, understood thank you. Exactly, which is fine.

Starting point is 00:19:18 No, no, verbatim understood thank you. I could show you the fucking- I would like to see that, because that's awfully short. Wow. Yeah. That's awfully short. Wow. Yeah. That's basically saying, fuck you. Yeah, and I deserve it.

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Starting point is 00:23:00 Well, what about two? Right now, get a small, organic Fairtrade coffee and a tasty bacon and egg or breakfast sandwich for only $5 at A&W's in Ontario. I feel like now I'm planning to maybe try to do other things. What do you mean? To make amends. Oh. Figuring it out.

Starting point is 00:23:22 Go further. To go further with it. The program says go further. I'll go further, right then four days later his wife contacted me on on DM. Yeah What is that? He goes? Hey, she goes basically she said I'm confused like I didn't see your hand. Oh My god I'm being a immense for no reason. I'm being immense. Mistake immense?

Starting point is 00:23:51 I mean, mistake immense. A mistake immense. Now I feel like, wow, you dummy. Yeah. You could have just moved on. Do you think she saw and she's playing, she's playing? Now, now that would be crafty. I would say the other side would be,

Starting point is 00:24:06 this person said something to his wife and said, why don't you shake Bobby's hand? I thought we're okay, we're beyond all that. And she was probably like, well, I didn't see it. I don't think I saw it. And he's like, you saw it. I was sitting right next to you. No, I don't think I saw it.

Starting point is 00:24:20 Yeah, but the way he got up from the table to hug me, it was really excited hug. Well, yeah, you're an excitable person. Thank you. Well, so that's not validated. No, I'm going to show you what it was like, okay? If there was a comic, let's say Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan.

Starting point is 00:24:38 Right? You know. Oh, he comes in like that, huh? What are you doing? I'm not going to act out. Can you move on? Oh my god would Fucking guy wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute to be fair. He is doing his job Yeah

Starting point is 00:24:53 We act out what are you talking about? I always act out What do you come here getting a special shot for man? It's like Christian Bale was right on the movie Was it Christian Bale right on the movie set when he fucking went on that rant? was right on the movie set. Was it Christian Bale right on the movie set when he fucking went on that rant? Good for you! You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:25:10 I'm not working with you again then. Because I'm fucking performing and you guys are fixing the lights and jabbing and all kinds of... I can't work under these environments! I want a professional fucking show dude. Dude, he can't work under these environments. Alright, so stop moving down

Starting point is 00:25:26 So it's like let's not fuck Joe Let's say a comic that was above me that had said some shit to me And I had a little bit resentment hell and I haven't seen him in a long time Dave Chappelle right he walks out to me Right I think my my hug would have been I would go through a process like should I hug him? Like there be moments of like what do I do here? I would never hug him right,, I would go through a process like, should I hug him? Like there'd be moments of like, what do I do here? I would never hug him. Right, but I think end up, yeah, I would. I would never hug.

Starting point is 00:25:51 If someone I know is like talking shit about me and we don't know each other that well and it's like. It's like, there we go. So basically this person that I supposedly slided, that has no idea that even I did that. I'm sure he has a pretty good idea you did. I'm sure it got back to him somehow. But they weren't bad what I was saying.

Starting point is 00:26:10 We were- But I mean, if you're mocking somebody and you don't know them that well. I'm not mocking. It's like, you know, I'm telling true stories about things that I've perceived. But you know, perception is the eye of the beholder really. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:26:23 So I perceive things, obviously. The other day, Dice goes, yo Ching, you're telling that story wrong, right? About the gambling story. And I go, but that's how I remember it. Right. He remembers it in a completely different way. He thinks your name is Ching.

Starting point is 00:26:39 Yeah, right. I mean, that's a big problem. So like in terms of like, you know what? I'm glad I made Amends. It just got a little weird and that's it But making the amends is him. That's that's the important part. I'm ready to matter. I'm ready to do it I have a couple of wars out there that I want to squash. What's another word you want to put out Yoshi? From Super Mario Brothers. Yeah, you know that guy. Well, I go to a different time. I go to a different I can get into the cartoon. I've seen you get into the sewers outside of the studio.

Starting point is 00:27:05 Yeah, yeah. And when you do, you go, but yeah, yeah. Bob? I've seen the rat from fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Splinter. Yeah. Well, I don't call it, I call him dad. By the way, was that a white guy that did the voice of Splinter?

Starting point is 00:27:17 Why? Because it should be, if it wasn't, because it's funnier. I'm going to cancel him. Yeah. If he's not Asian. This is like a- Jackie Chan. No way. Have you heard of them?

Starting point is 00:27:25 No, in the new one who was the original voice of splinter Kevin Clash guarantee you that guy is fucking white. Yes He is yeah, wait. Wait, you don't know Kevin Clash. I don't know who that is You don't know Kevin Clash say it again, and maybe I'll remember It's just like I'm sorry. It's like say let's stop but don't take him off. Take him off. He's black? No, no. Look at me right now. That guy was black.

Starting point is 00:27:48 Stop. Okay. Okay. Yeah. You know what? And I don't want to start an argument with you. No, you're doing it. I hear you brewing it right now.

Starting point is 00:27:56 I'm not brewing nothing, dude. The coffee maker is warm right now and I feel the drip about to happen. All right, what I'm saying is it's surprising because you're somebody that, when I talk to drip about to happen. All right, what I'm saying is it's surprising because you're somebody that, when I talk to people about you, I go, yeah, he knows tidbits of information. But I don't know Kevin Clash.

Starting point is 00:28:14 Stop talking, man. Who is Kevin Clash? Just get to it. How about, stop this, stop, be quiet. Do any of you fuckheads know who Kevin Clash is? Everybody knows Kevin Clash. Do you really, do you know Kevin Clash? No, he doesn't. Do any of you fuckheads know who Kevin Clash is? Everybody knows Kevin Clash. Do you really? Do you know Kevin Clash? No, he doesn't.

Starting point is 00:28:26 Okay. Thank you. Have you heard of Elmo? Have you heard of Elmo? Is that the red one? Yes, it's the red puppet that's full of love. You know why I don't know that? Let me finish.

Starting point is 00:28:52 Because I'm a big boy. Oh, you're a dumb boy. And I'm a big boy and I don't pay attention to the Sesame Street voiceover actors. What the fuck are you on about? He's not a Sesame Street voice actor. What is Elmo? I'm going to tell you. What is it? I'm not tell you. What is it?

Starting point is 00:29:05 I'm not done talking. Finish. All right. So, Kevin Clash was a guy, he grew up in Baltimore. Okay. What are you Wikipedia? No, I'm just telling you,

Starting point is 00:29:18 because he's a legend. Okay. It's like, I know things about Lou Reed, I know things about Kurosawa. I know both of them. I know things about Kevin Cl. I know things about Kurosawa. I know Lou Reed and Kurosawa are not Kevin's the voice of Elmo is All the you fucking so dumb get fucked the Elmo is Lou Reed. That's a comparable thing. Yes. Oh my fucking god Oh my god, you're gonna make my throat sore dude. You're so dumb dude. Do you know him personally?

Starting point is 00:29:45 I'm a huge fan if I met him it would be like why are you a huge fan of the Elmo guy? It's not just an Elmo guy dude. He just revolutionized puppeteering When the fuck have you been a puppet fan? How deep is your puppet game? Well I mean I know the materials they use. Who is the voice of Burt? Burt was Frank Oz. Who's the voice of Ernie? It was um I don't know. You shouldn't know this. Yes I do. Why? Can I finish what I'm gonna is the voice of Burt Frank Oz? If I'm gonna be sick, I cause is one of a Bert or Ernie what? Eric Jacobson and Peter Lin okay fine, so you're not deep in the Muppet game I'm not I'm not saying that I am a Sesame Street fan

Starting point is 00:30:39 Listen listen, I'm not gonna can I just finish what I'm gonna say before you get angry. I'm already angry All right, all right, she yelled at me about fucking Kevin Clash and no one knew what I was legend I saw the documentary about him Him playing Elmo No, no, you know you're No, I saw the documentary you look up documentary about about Kevin Clash. All right becoming Elmo. Okay, I watched it Well, then you would have known who he is. Yeah, I'm just doing this to brew you up, baby.

Starting point is 00:31:06 All right, okay, take off, right? I'm gonna ask you questions about Kevin Clash. Please. Really? Yeah. All right, so, you know, how old was he when he first met Kermit, not Kermit the Frog, but there's a guy named Kermit

Starting point is 00:31:24 who created Kermit the Frog, that guy in New guy named Kermit who created Kermit the Frog, that guy in New York. 42, 42 years old. No, he was in high school, you didn't see it. That's what I said. He was in high school. That's what I said. You don't know what you're talking about.

Starting point is 00:31:34 Stop giving him information. Let me give you the fucking lowdown on Kevin Clash, okay, real quick, okay? Yeah, our fans wanna know. Well, then we'll just move on then. No, I wanna hear it, I actually do. Okay. Might be a lot of Kevin Clash fans in the house.

Starting point is 00:31:45 He's a legend. I understandably. Okay. So what happened was, you know, he was, you know, his parents were both, you know, African-American. Whoa, slow down. All right, sorry, right? They grew up in an impoverished area of-

Starting point is 00:31:57 Baltimore. Of Baltimore. See, I knew that. And you know, you know, back then, like, you know, people would make fun of, you know, kids that, what he would do is he would take his dad's, like, pimp jacket and like cut that, what he would do is he would take his dad's pimp jacket and cut out, what's so funny, and cut it all up.

Starting point is 00:32:10 Why is it a pimp? You mean it's just a jacket? Like a furry jacket. Was his dad a pimp? No. Then it's not a pimp jacket. Like make it racial. No, I'm just saying, right?

Starting point is 00:32:18 And then he would like, you know what I mean? And oh boy. Yeah, I'm motherfucking Elmo. That was the first version. Yeah, yeah. So. What's up big bird? Yeah, and his mom would like call Sesame Street

Starting point is 00:32:30 and go my son is really into puppeteering. Here's this kid impoverished black kid, right? And then he hooked up with Captain Kangaroo. You know Captain Kangaroo? Yeah, we know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very famous. Gave him a job, gave him a job, right?

Starting point is 00:32:46 Right. Then he fucking meets Frank Oz and he meets Jim Henson. Jim Henson. The legends. The names that people know. Jim Henson, the legends of the game. Yep.

Starting point is 00:32:56 And Jim goes, well, why don't you come and work? Well, he first offered him in Dark Crystal and then he couldn't do it for some reason. It almost destroyed the relationship. But what happened was- Had to sew back together all those pimp jackets. God. Well, if you ruin a pimp jacket,

Starting point is 00:33:12 you gotta put it back together. That is true, of course. Cause when daddy finds out, he ain't gonna be too happy, baby. So he's at Sesame Street, young, you know what I mean? I think the first black puppeteer, which is cute. That I know is true, yeah. Right.

Starting point is 00:33:26 And there was, so Elmo wasn't always Elmo. A bunch of puppeteers tried to make this puppet work. I bet you there's a bunch of puppets laying around and people pick it up and go, what about this? You know what I mean? And they're like, no. Elmo, don't talk to me. Or whatever.

Starting point is 00:33:42 Elmo. Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah, it didn't work. So he, so some guy threw Elmo at him. You make it work. Can't get it to work. You make it work. And so Kevin Klash took it and he thought about it. And he thought about what do kids love?

Starting point is 00:33:58 What does the voice of love sound like? What is love? And he goes. I did see the documentary, by the way. Pure love. Pure love. And so that's why he came the documentary, by the way. Pure love. Pure love. And so that's why he came out always hugging, it became a hit.

Starting point is 00:34:09 Elmo! Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then what ended up happening was he became the executive producer of Sesame Street, eventually. Traveled the world, you know what I mean, as Elmo, helping disabled kids and stuff like that. I don't, I did the body.

Starting point is 00:34:22 That's okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry. It's instinct for you. Well, yeah, I mean, I have't, I did the body. That's okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry. It's instinct for you. Well, yeah, I mean, I have spinal, I have spinal wifedia. Anyway, to me, he's a legend. Come on, finish it. You were at the point when you were saying,

Starting point is 00:34:33 He became executive producer of Sesame Street. Travel the world. Travel the world, entertaining kids, and you know, in impoverished lands. Can I ask you something? Yeah. This is me, I'm not making a joke. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:44 Because I saw the documentary, it's great, he's wonderful. Do you think that you secretly wanted to become a puppeteer? Is that why it touched you? No, no, I'll be honest with you. I'm always interested in people who are a minority in an area where they don't traditionally have minorities and being somebody that becomes a pioneer. I really like that storyline.

Starting point is 00:35:07 What are some other ones like that? That's the only one, the peanut butter guy, but he didn't do the peanut butter, so I don't even know. Pfft. Washington, Carver Washington? George Carver Washington. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently he didn't invent it.

Starting point is 00:35:18 No. Yeah, yeah. I'm interested in people that are like, like for instance, like the first, we should do a documentary about the first Asian male American porn star. Has there been one? That's what I don't know. Yeah, I doubt it.

Starting point is 00:35:34 But if there's one that rises, I would probably go, oh, that's my guy. I just got to be honest with you. I highly doubt an Asian male porn star has really made it through the system. Why? Well, there's checks and balances, aren't there? Wait, what? Stop, stop, stop. Stop.

Starting point is 00:35:49 You're really gonna piss me off, right? Here he is. Yeah. Kenny Stiles. Stiles was born to a single mother who was a sex worker in Thailand, so his mom was already in the business, inheriting the business, if you will.

Starting point is 00:35:59 Yeah, yeah. Look, Kenny's doing it. They moved to the United Kingdom where she married a British national, and then this guy is now a porn star here. He's from Lamphum, Thailand. By the way, I don't know if you guys know this about Kenny Stiles. 2006, he won best male newcomer.

Starting point is 00:36:14 Wow. He's regarded as the first heterosexual Asian male porn star in American pornography, the first one. I know. And what's his name? Kenny Stiles. Kenny Stiles. Well, I would like to know him. Well, let's see his penis Kenny Styles penis. I'd like to see what he's packing. Okay. Oh, it's a cute little penis

Starting point is 00:36:32 That's pretty good. He's working as hard as he can to get it. I Mean that thing is working over sucking in he's that working because look at that way. Yeah, that's the more realistic version, right? Yeah, zoom in on that. Yeah,. Dude, you're being mean, dude. Being truthful. Well, but why is big dick- I like my porn stars black, okay? Refute that. I really can't.

Starting point is 00:36:55 Yeah, you can't. Look at this surprise. Oh my God, I can't believe this. Ah! You could have put it in your mouth. Oh my God. Anyway. Well, you know what?

Starting point is 00:37:05 Let's learn. How about this? I'm reaching out right now. Okay. I'm reaching out verbally to Kenny Stiles. If you want to come on Bad Friends. USA number one. We would love to have you on Bad Friends.

Starting point is 00:37:16 Yeah, yeah. That's the first heterosexual Asian porn star in America. We'd love to have Kenny Stiles on the show. Yeah, so, you know, is there like, how about the first Asian NASCAR driver? Never gonna happen. Why? There was one actually.

Starting point is 00:37:32 Fiery accident. Yeah, he went in reverse. Yeah. I put his blinker on. Oh, Fukuyama, that's right. He must've been great. Japanese race car driver. He attempted to complete NAS,

Starting point is 00:37:43 you know, he attempted to get in a NASCAR and it didn't work out. Okay, well, it's right. He must've been great. Japanese race car driving. He attempted to complete, you know, he attempted to get in a NASCAR and it didn't work out. Okay. Well, it's interesting. What is another thing like, like what would a black person guy not be good at? Careful, careful. I know, I'm trying to be very careful.

Starting point is 00:37:56 And what I'm saying is that in your thinking, you think it's- It's not not be good. No, no. It's unorthodox. Unorthodox is what I meant to say, right? Like you would never think that a black dude would be one Of the best puppeteers. All right. Why not though? It's just in my mind. It wouldn't it just doesn't make any you know, like

Starting point is 00:38:12 She drowning Look at her she's drowning. She's sound. Yeah, that's is that a black swimmer. Yeah, they're like the pioneers in black swimming It's incredible. She needs something to lean on that. Look at her They're like the pioneers in black swimming. It's incredible. She needs something to lean on. Look at her. Yeah. Wait, can you look up Charleston?

Starting point is 00:38:30 You know our boy Charleston, what's his name? The guy that we like. Listen, what's his name, McCone? But it's like the Jamaican Bob Sled team. Look at this, Bob. Okay. Here we go, man. Her to help black people.

Starting point is 00:38:42 Apartment swimming pools. Kinda shit is that. of shit is that. Kind of shit is that. Apartment swimming pool. This motherfucker Moflin ain't open during neighborhood, no way in the apartment. They ain't never open five days after week. Ain't never.

Starting point is 00:39:00 No, no, no, no. Yeah, they damn their help us, homie. Because if it wasn't for them apartments swimming pool, they ain't getting no water during the summertime. Yeah, talk about that. Talk about it. Yeah, mama ain't taking them to Hurricane Harbor to pay that shit in now.

Starting point is 00:39:18 No, really. Yeah, that's swimming pool. That's summer swimming pool. Take your ass down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, that summer swimming Yeah, that's summer swimming pools. Yeah, a lot of time, that's where you get your furry little piece of pussy head

Starting point is 00:39:29 when the apartment complex. Yeah. Bro, I fucking love that guy. What's his name? I wanna see him. Charlton White, he's fucking hysterical. All right. The swimming pools.

Starting point is 00:39:41 Yeah. He ain't gonna swim, but he's arguing that they're not open five days a week in the black apartment complexes complexes like they shut down for most of the week. That's it Mando, you know, sometimes I'm hanging out with people did like me not you because you always smell good to me Thank you, but sometimes I'm with you know, somebody go ahead and name him John Hakeskins John Hakesens? Yeah. That guy stinks. Stinks, right? He's a stinker.

Starting point is 00:40:07 He puts deodorant in his pits, but whenever I'm with John, I'm like, why don't you do it all over your body? You should have it all over your body. But they have it. They do? Yeah. With Mando. Mando, dude.

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Starting point is 00:42:28 That's dairy farming forward. You know, by the way, in your pool, in your backyard, I learned this. You know what's illegal to not have it fenced in? If a kid crawls into your backyard, like a kid in the neighborhood, and he falls in the pool in California, they can sue you. Well, mine's fenced in. No, you're not. There's a fence around your property,

Starting point is 00:42:46 there's not a fence around your pool, like that. Any property of the pool in California must have a property fence that is at least five feet tall. Do you have a pool? Yeah. You have a fence around it? No. Well, we both fucked then.

Starting point is 00:42:55 Yeah, I thought, dude, somebody brought this up to me, the real estate agent was like, there's no fence, right? I was like, no, my house was built in 1940. Oh my God, imagine, what would you do? Well, I'd move. I don't want a dead kid ghost outside. Imagine going into your backyard

Starting point is 00:43:11 and you see, you know what I mean, a kid floating. What do you mean? That's just gnarly. It's gnarly. That's awful. So what do you do? You're just like. You know what I would do?

Starting point is 00:43:21 Get back on the road and do stand-up? No, no, no, I would pick up the kid. Oh my God, I'm not gonna touch him. No, watch what I do. And Get back on the road and do stand up? No, no, no. I would pick up the kid. Oh my God, I'm not going to touch him. No, watch what I do. And put him in the other swimming pool, next neighbor's. Oh, smart. Yeah, it's somebody else's fault. You put him in the neighbor's swimming pool.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Right, transport him. You transport it. Right. And that was the way, right? So now you've broken multiple laws. What law did I break? What? What?

Starting point is 00:43:41 The swimming pool law, yeah, but- Tampering with- You can't move a body? No. I don't think so, no. Why is that illegal? I don't know, man, but it definitely is. If I didn't kill it, and if I didn't kill somebody- Hold on.

Starting point is 00:43:54 In some states, you can transport a human body by ground yourself without the services of a funeral director. So, you could be like, I was just transporting. Yeah, what states are that? Definitely not here, you know, that's gotta be. Your neighbor- And the other neighbor- If your neighbor saw, what states are that? That definitely not here. You know, that's gotta be your neighbor. And the other neighbor, your neighbor saw would he snitch your neighbor looks over. He's in the bathroom and he's brushing his teeth. He looks down. He sees a kid in the pool. Oh yeah, he would. He would snitch. Of course. But then you, the other guy though, that my other neighbor is a

Starting point is 00:44:20 writer on Babylon five. Is that still on the air? No, but it was like an old sci-fi show. Yeah, it was like 30 years ago. Right, right, so he's an old writer, right? So I got a comedy producer on one side. And a Babylon writer. And a Babylon writer. Wow. I would put in the Babylon writer.

Starting point is 00:44:36 Right. They both have pools. You have to put in his pool. I just know the best way to go to his backyard. Well, the writer might figure out a good story to tell at some point. He might write, that could be a book. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:46 A body is found in my pool. It's probably his also, the kid would probably come from him. Jesus Christ. This got sad. What? Does he have little kids? No, but grandkids, that's not that big of a deal.

Starting point is 00:44:56 Okay, yeah, yeah, that's fine. I mean, that's pretty hard. No, no, grandkids are fine. Yeah. Or what else, what else could you do? Or could you? Drain the pool, first of all. I mean, you don't, you gotta could you do? Or could you? Drain the pool first of all, I mean you gotta drain it.

Starting point is 00:45:07 Why? Well, I don't go in there. That's true, you don't. Yeah, yeah, it's all for show, like to girls, I have a pool. You've never been in your pool. Never been in there. Isn't that amazing?

Starting point is 00:45:17 Yeah. You've never once been in your pool? No, never. Do you have a hot tub? No. Okay. It's like a salt pool or something. Yeah, salt water pool, yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:23 But you've never gone in? Yeah. Do, do, is that? Do, do, do, do. Do, do, pool or something. Yeah, salt water pool, yeah. But you've never gone in? Yeah. Do, do, is that it? Do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do. Yeah, go ahead. Do Asian people? I'm a great swimmer.

Starting point is 00:45:32 No, no, no. I'm saying, but like culturally. We swim. So if you went to a pool party. I go in the pool. You don't go in your own pool, you go to- By myself? Just waiting by myself in the,

Starting point is 00:45:42 I'm not gonna do that. It's so relaxing. I do it. Okay, maybe I will. But bath. I'm not gonna do that. It's so relaxing. I do it. Okay, maybe I will. But wait, I'm asking you. An Asian guy, Gene Hong, throws a fucking house party. It's mostly Asians. Are you getting in the pool?

Starting point is 00:45:54 If you say it's a pool party. If there's a pool party, I've been always known to do gags in the pool. You're a gag in the pool guy. And have fun in the pool. But my point being is if I'm alone in my house, I'm not gonna go in the pool. You're a gag in the pool guy. And have fun in the pool. But my point being is if I'm alone in my house, I'm not gonna go in the pool by myself. Do you ever take a bath?

Starting point is 00:46:10 Yes, it's not in the pool. It's kind of the same shit. Instead of, in terms of like solo relaxation and water, what's the difference? All right, I'll do it this summer. I want you to do it. I'll do it this summer. Anyway, what are we even talking,

Starting point is 00:46:21 oh, the dead kid in the pool. Dead kid in the pool. Yeah, I would just call the cop. Yeah, call him, yeah. And then what, do I go to talk? Oh the dead kid in the pool. Dead kid in the pool. Yeah, I would just call the cop Yeah, call him. Yeah, and then what do I go to prison? You might yeah because I don't have a fence around my fucking pool No, cuz they could tell that you tried to move the body. No, I wouldn't move it. They could tell There's like so much water on the side of the pool where you drag drug him out and tried Yeah, then they're like, did you try to remove the body? What would you do?

Starting point is 00:46:46 Hit the pool cover, woo. Woo. I was just pretending it never happened. Oh, you have a pool cover, you just press a button? Woo. Wow, I gotta get one of those. No, I don't have one of those. You would have to call.

Starting point is 00:46:59 Yeah, you call it. By the way, it reminds me, my dad's, one of my dad's best friend, they have a beautiful big pond in their backyard back home in Chicago. They go in that? They go in the pond, it reminds me, my dad's, one of my dad's best friend, they have a beautiful big pond in their backyard back home in Chicago. They go in that? They go in the pond, in the pool. No. No, they have a pond, but they have koi fish in there.

Starting point is 00:47:12 Koi fish, you know they do, they suspend themselves in the winter in the frozen water. They can, they animate, what is it called? Well, don't look it up, don't look it up, don't look it up. I wanna guess what it is. Go explain yourself. The koi can live in frozen pond water. They freeze.

Starting point is 00:47:29 They freeze. And then they thaw out during the summer. Yeah 100%. Because frogs do that. Yeah but these koi do it and I was like, wait, didn't you have to take out the koi? He's like we had to net the koi pond because coyotes would come and eat the koi. When they're frozen? In the middle of the night, no no no just regular.

Starting point is 00:47:44 But he was like we take it off in the. When they're frozen? In the middle of the night, no, no, no, just regular. But he was like, we take it off in the winter because they're frozen underneath the ice and you can see their dig marks. Still, the coyotes stuff are trying to get to them. Oh wow. But it's so thick and deep. Of course. They can't get to it.

Starting point is 00:47:54 Wow. But so the koi fish are just there frozen under the water. What do they dream about? What do you think they dream about for five months, six months? What could you dream about? No matter what they're dreaming about, it's pretty like, it's always like,

Starting point is 00:48:06 they could be like dreaming about like, you know, you know what I mean, I'm at Disneyland, right? But- Do they get to go to Disneyland? Yeah, but the whole time they're just cold. Freezing. Yeah, at Disneyland. Show me what koi fish frozen thing is.

Starting point is 00:48:19 I don't know why I'm doing this, look at my hands. No, that's how they freeze. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's not frozen pond. That's not frozen. Give him a frozen pond. There, that one was frozen. That's frozen too, dude.

Starting point is 00:48:29 That's crazy. It's crazy to me. Look it up, look up the, you looked it up. Walt Disney had a theory here. He knew what he was doing. Yeah. Go back to all, the original. Yeah, that one's frozen.

Starting point is 00:48:40 Just chilling. Go back to all, just so I see the text of it all. What did it say in the beginning? Neither goldfish nor koi, wait, nor koi can freeze into a block of ice, the thought in the spring. That's not true? So what, it just, they stay in the water when it's cold?

Starting point is 00:48:54 The fish are warmer and safer with ice. Oh, so it's frozen, but underneath the water, they just stay still? I guess so. So you just lied. No, they're from I guess so. So you just lied? No, they're fr- no, you just lied. No, I didn't lie, dude. Yeah, you did. You said they're frozen.

Starting point is 00:49:12 They look frozen. But they're not frozen. Well, they're obviously in freaking water. Now you know they didn't freeze. Thank you, dude. I'm informed. I mean, just don't throw out facts like you fucking know. That wasn't a fact. That's what your problem is, dude. Liar. You're a liar. The coys metabolism slows down to a crawl They spend most of their time treading water at the bottom of the pond now. We all do that

Starting point is 00:49:29 No, they look frozen when you see it. You've never seen me in the tundra. I do that too I go right into the pool it I could be in any environment And you know I mean and I will I can bring my body down to barely alive. You're doing it right now Point point my body down to barely alive. You're doing it right now. Point. Point. Pointed. So I guess they don't freeze. Wow. But they just stay in frozen water.

Starting point is 00:49:54 But there are frogs that do it. Google that. Are there, let me see if, I want to see if I won this point. It's not a point. It is. You got yours wrong. I'm going to say about me.

Starting point is 00:50:03 Are there frogs that get completely frozen and then they come back alive 65% of the body's frozen solid so no they don't completely freeze. That's pretty that's a lot That's more than half. Yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of frozen. They're half. Yeah. Yeah more than half look at him there That's it. Yeah, look at that guy probably bummed Yeah, probably bummed. He's just like ribbed. Is he conscious? Ribbed. Ribbed. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:28 Well, like, you know, like a bear's hibernation. They're not sleeping the whole fucking time. That was something I... When you were a kid, didn't you think that they slept the whole fucking time they told you that they did? They don't. They don't sleep the whole time. No, they play Jenga. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:42 And Uno. Yeah, some of them do. Well, black bears probably play dice. Yeah. That's a good one, that's a good one, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's funny.

Starting point is 00:50:55 Prum protein is useful. Bears do wake up, however, move around inside the den. Yeah. So what they'll do is they go in and out of sleep, but then they quickly go back to sleep. So they're not sleeping the whole fucking time. I would, you are like that. What?

Starting point is 00:51:10 You would love if career wise we could hibernate for a little while. If we could sleep for like a month or two, straight. But do I have to gather before? You've been gathering my guy. Like squirrels, they gather, right? Bears do too, they gather shit. They gather shit. Well, what happens is it says, go back to that article it even said you would make Carlos gather for you

Starting point is 00:51:29 Yeah, a hundred percent eight to twelve degrees. They're lower the structure. That's it. There is one. He's taking a shot No, you did that was a lazy shot. That's like you're lazy. You let Carlos do your gathering. So that's another No-movie, you're a bear. You know, it doesn't mean you can do it. You you broke your contract Gathering so that's another no move You broke your contract Yes, you did you wrote a fucking did you not read a contract right? He just broke it you did No, fuck fuck dude. You even said you were gonna make fun of me, and you didn't you made fun of him. Yeah, yeah It's difficult to do it right yeah, yeah because you're mean Okay So you know I don't know maybe Ronnie Chang's available. We'll see what happens. I doubt it anyway

Starting point is 00:52:15 I'm so busy look at him nap in what that go deeper in no he's too exposed Well, he doesn't even know how to oh Oh, wow. No, see, they don't need to be like- Oh, they don't even go into a cave. They can go underneath a tree. As long as it's protected, right, yeah, there he is. That's his little spot. Whoa. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 00:52:35 That's interesting. Where do they go if there's no cave? That's what it says. Yeah. Oh, that's how you know the difference? Shoulder hump? This is good information. But why can't let me

Starting point is 00:52:45 ask you something if I made his business I don't know how I'm gonna get money for I put if I can you build them a house build a bear house yeah like a bear house well you think they would get in instinctually a sanctuary a bear sanctuary yeah yeah yeah let me get more domey But I don't know dude cuz they're cavernous creatures like they like caves not houses They like to be k cold caves underground or close to the earth like my dog By the way, yeah, I bought my fucking dog a cool little dog house thing and she never goes in it It's a waste of time. Oh, dude. I was like, why the fuck did I get you that? I spent $15,000. I What's my day on the cat?

Starting point is 00:53:27 On the cat sanctuary and he'd never been out there. No, I need some time. I'll go I'll open up the door Come on. Nothing. No, they're just going no. No. Yeah, they even say it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I bought my cat I already think I already said this expensive bed Yeah, and I caught her once Bojo sleeping in the middle of a rolled yoga mat He was in there like this right next to the expensive bed It was I mean being in them inside a boa constrictor is probably more comfortable than a fucking rolled yoga mat Cats they don't they don't care and they also don't care about healthy well What what do you mean? Well what you gonna slam me slam me? I wasn't slamming. Well, you're their owners unhealthy

Starting point is 00:54:16 Why would they be healthy? You well, oh my god you know what they don't care about healthy what they're healthy living no I'll go and go I'll go to the fucking pet food store and gum. Hey guy. What's the best like the premium? dry food No, it's not I know Yeah, it's not even origin It's like, you know, I mean there's one that's in French writing and the the bag feels like not paper But like there's a sheen on it.

Starting point is 00:54:45 Oh, it's like a matte finish? Right. And the font on it is like old English, but in France. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's it called? It's like Bourglaise, Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg-Bourg It says right yeah, and I buy bags of this shit. They don't like it. I go to Vaughn's I get the cheapest fucking dry. They love that well you could buy it You know you could buy them just canned tuna and throw it in a cup. They'll eat that shit They might know my cats won't even do that well you see they've you've got them accustomed to like good shit

Starting point is 00:55:14 It's either like it's either like if I go to um You know like we're crock potting chicken right now at my house for my dog Wow We crock but we do the big crock pot. Yeah. We feed her dog food that has the nutrients and vitamins in it, but she fucking loves chicken. Loves the chicken. So we'll do a big crock pot.

Starting point is 00:55:35 Although, can I, the last thing I wanna say too about my, I've been talking about my interior designer. So when they put up the paint. They paint it or they put up wallpaper? Some wallpaper, some paint. Got it. I literally was like, this doesn't look good at all. You didn't pre-approve it?

Starting point is 00:55:55 I did, but once you see it live, you're like, ah, it feels weird. But then once they put in the furniture and the drapes. It looks beautiful. It's just incredible. I've like, I've never felt, I like. Are you saying you're inviting the boys over? Never, I'll never, never.

Starting point is 00:56:10 You guys come over to my house, you came over today, McCone. Yesterday, yeah. Yeah. You let him in or? No, he just stays out. In the driveway, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:18 Here's my suit. Did you drop off his suit today? It's here. I got it back today. So you're wearing a suit and tie? I'm coming to picking you up tomorrow. 10 a.m. Me too.

Starting point is 00:56:29 You're wearing a suit and tie? No, just a suit, a t-shirt, you know. I'm wearing a wife beater. No, you're not, no you're not. I am, I'm wearing a wife beater. Yeah. And board shorts. I'm spiking my hair like Guy Fieri.

Starting point is 00:56:43 That's so, please do that. I'm gonna. No, really? Why not? Please do it. It's TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta have fun.

Starting point is 00:56:51 But you in a suit is so funny. Well, should I wear like a Hawaiian shirt beneath it? Absolutely not. Wear a suit, wear, you're dressed up. You're the patriarch of the family. Are you nervous? Not even a little bit. I am.

Starting point is 00:57:02 Why? Because if I can't be flavor- Flav, what can I do? Well, this episode will have come out. We're playing Flavor Flav's family on Family Feud. If I can't be Flavor Flav, what else do I do in life? Ah, you crazy! I know. He's gonna smoke us.

Starting point is 00:57:19 You think the Flavor Flav family's gonna smoke? I don't know, we got some good ones though. We do, but I think Flav is better than we think. Don't, listen. Don't underestimate the Flav, dude. spoil. I don't know we got some good ones though We do but I think Flav is better than we think don't listen don't underestimate the Flav dude I know I wanna I want to tell you something for real. How cool would it be if Chuck D showed up? That'd be a- that'd be great. How do you know? We don't know. We don't know. That would be fucking amazing. That'd be amazing I just got fucking- if Chuck D just popped in. Oh my god. Yeah boy How great would that fucking be? Wow. you know how bad McCone wants to go?

Starting point is 00:57:45 But do you have to try? You don't try for the laughs. I'm going for it. I know I've been thinking about it. We're going for the laughs. But you're gonna try to be the right answer, no? And then I say, if you had two choices, the right answer or the funny answer,

Starting point is 00:57:58 what you're gonna do? Funny always. Oh man. We gotta. No, but I will say this to you. Of course I'm gonna try my best. Okay. Why are you picking up a gun? I was just putting it down. Well, but I will say this to you. Of course I'm gonna try my best. Okay. Why are you picking up a gun?

Starting point is 00:58:06 I was just putting it down. Well, why'd you have it up? I was holding it over here and then I just. You've been holding a gun the whole show? Yeah. Just in case. What the fuck is going on over here? All right.

Starting point is 00:58:17 Wait, I need to ask you this. Yeah. I wanna play Fast Money. Yes. It has to be me and you. It is. If we win. Yes.

Starting point is 00:58:24 You preselected that? Yeah, it's you and me Okay, well who would it be? Anybody else on no, no, no, it's you and me fast money. Yeah I'm so nervous that I just asked you I know I had to lie Are you nervous? Yeah, very I'm so nervous. I know yeah, because it's like fast money. I could get all zeros me, too Okay, but if we do get all zeroes together I mean amazing should we do should we go during fast money should we do it purposely yes to get no points? Yeah That's even a bigger challenge. No, but we're playing for charity. So we want to win the money for the charity. I

Starting point is 00:59:03 Think they automatically do it now. I know they do, yeah, they gotta. So if we get, the challenge is now to get all zeros. That's a good challenge. And fast money. Yeah. You mean, so it's like- That could be actually funnier than us actually trying.

Starting point is 00:59:16 Yeah. You know, if he's like- Name me a color on the Rubik's Cube. Scoovage. So, that's so good. Scoovage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, Scoovage? Yeah. Show me Scoovage. Scoovage. That's so good. Scoovage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, Scoovage?

Starting point is 00:59:26 Yeah. Show me Scoovage. Yeah. I think- Orange chicken. I would say orange chicken. Orange chicken. But you'll get points for the orange.

Starting point is 00:59:34 Oh yeah? What if our answers are all Asian stuff? Oh, fuck, that's good. If he's like, when your spouse comes home late at night, what's the first thing you think of? Rickshaw. Right. That's a good one.

Starting point is 00:59:50 Name an age when a man's body starts to fall apart. A soul. Yeah. Really, you think so? A soul. You don't think that'll be good? I think it'd be so funny. To tank it is almost funnier than doing well.

Starting point is 01:00:03 Let me ask you something. All right When you're driving around, how long would you take before you ask for help kimchi? But say it confidently. Yeah, yeah, not even skip a beat. Yeah. Yeah, right. You're Maybe a color on the rainbow Walk Name me a color on the rainbow. Walk. Okay. I think we should do it. No. Come on.

Starting point is 01:00:29 Well, we're gonna commit to it on the day. How about this? Depending the mood of the show, we'll make a shotgun to say, you know Steve's gonna hate it. Here's another thing. He's gonna be so mad about it. My fear is this.

Starting point is 01:00:38 No. Not only are we bad, but we're not funny as well. Well. That's impossible, no. I did not know that. Thank you, Carlo. It could be completely be complete because the thing is when people are funny on that show It's not that they're funny people yeah, but it's just they make a mistake That's like you know that Steve can do like an awkward like stare or whatever or make it weird you know We if we try to be funny it could come across as hammy I know what you're saying, so we can't try to be funny, it could come across as hammy. I know what you're saying.

Starting point is 01:01:05 So we can't try to be funny, like do an accent. I don't know if that's true though. I think that if I go, I'll be really excited. So, hey Steve! You know what I mean? See, but then it's gonna come off as hammy. No, okay, be real, you Steve. Oh man, we got a good one for you today.

Starting point is 01:01:21 Introducing the Lee family. First up is Bobby. Bobby, introduce everybody here on the lineup. What? Introduce everybody in your family. Oh man! How you doing, man? You good?

Starting point is 01:01:34 I'm good, man. I'm just a little nervous. You still do stand up? So we got here Andrew Santino. I love him. Yeah. His stand up. You're gonna go all down, he goes down the line, right?

Starting point is 01:01:43 His stand up is so good, this guy. I love this guy. Yeah, yeah. But he'll ask Kailila. Who else we got, who's that? My ex-girlfriend Kailila. You brought your ex to the shelf. And then Esther, I don't know her that well.

Starting point is 01:01:54 Who that little nugget? Esther Pavisky. That's an adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Gene, so. I think we're gonna do great. Here's the thing. I haven't been excited.

Starting point is 01:02:07 The reason why I want you there too, is if the ship goes down. We're going down together. We have to go down together. Yeah, we will. We have to go down together. If it sinks, we sink as one. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:16 I won't let you down, baby. Although, if the ship sinks, and we're both on a door. What do you mean? You know, like the ship sinks, and I got a door to hold onto, and then you're swimming in the water, and you're like on a door. What do you mean? You know, like the ship sinks and I got a door to hold on to and then you're swimming in the water and you're like, I'm cold. Can I get on the door? Yeah. Oh, like in, I get it.

Starting point is 01:02:34 Thank you. Yeah, yeah, Titanic. Why didn't she let him on the door? There was plenty of fucking room. Right. Why didn't she let him on the door? Look at how much room is on the door. If I would, but here's what I, but he fucked up.

Starting point is 01:02:50 Look at how comfy that bitch looks. And she's got a fucking life preserver on. But this is where he fucked up. I thought about it. Falling in love with her? No. What? He's in the water.

Starting point is 01:03:00 Got it. What I would have done is looked her right in the eyes and said, hey Rose, it's much warmer in the water. Oh, she pops in. I jump on, right? And I go, sucker! And I start wading away, right? What do you think? That's good.

Starting point is 01:03:17 I start wading right, right? Smart. Go shark! And I start wading away. Bye, Rose! Bye, Rose! What would you do? There's no way you would, you're a human, you just met the bitch.

Starting point is 01:03:26 Your instinct. On the boat. You didn't know her. You just met the bitch on the boat. A Titanic passenger list reveals that there were eight travelers of Chinese descent aboard the Titanic, but only six of them survived. Li Bing, Cheng Chip, Cheng Fu.

Starting point is 01:03:39 There's no way. Cheng Chip was on there? Cheng Chip. I'm such a big fan of her work. Cheng Fu, Ling He. I've had that at the restaurant. Feng Leng and Ah Lam. Dude, it's, you know.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Have you ever had Ah Lam? It's delicious. Dude, I know. You know what makes me even angry after you read that? Not a one person in the, you saw them in the movie. Well, they all, six of them survived. At least in the background walking by with a plate. First of all.

Starting point is 01:04:08 They didn't even fucking do that. No, those were passengers. They weren't workers. Look at, well the guy on the left definitely was, almost died. Look at his face. Jesus, he got shot? I don't know, what happened to his face? Dude they looked.

Starting point is 01:04:20 Now this is a movie I would love to see. The six Chinese. The six survivors from the Titanic. Yeah. Oh, they probably did sneaky shit though. Sneaky shit. Yeah. What do they do? What were they up to on the boat, you think, these Chinese travelers? The tragic tale of Masabi Honsou, the Japanese Titanic survivor who was ostracized for not going down with the ship. Oh, from Japan, the culture. Wait.

Starting point is 01:04:52 Yeah, the culture goes, you should have died with the, everybody else, your honors. So he survived and they were mad about it? Like Shogun. Like in Godzilla minus one, the theme, right, and the theme was like, you know, he didn't go down with the Banzai, so when he came back to the, you know what I mean, you know, the military, right? And the theme was like, you know, he didn't go down with the bonsai, so when he came back to the, you know what I mean? You know, the military, you know. He's disgraced.

Starting point is 01:05:10 He was disgraced, he goes, how are you alive? He's the only, this dude was the only Japanese traveler to board the ship, and he survived. It's incredible. Give this guy his flowers, why would they want him dead? He was prepared to die when an officer said there was a space on the lifeboat. I will take my life. Is a space on the lifeboat. I will take my life.

Starting point is 01:05:27 Is there space on the lifeboat? Right. Right, right. I love him, like his eyes darting. That's really funny. Yeah, yeah. You think there's room for one more? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:42 According to Metropolis Japan, he was shamed for not adhering to the women and children first principle, avoiding honorable death. Hansel was object to what the Japanese refer as murahachibu, or social ostracism. So they fucking ridiculed this guy for living through the worst tragedy he could have lived through. Oh my god. That's fucked, man.

Starting point is 01:06:01 He lost his job despite being hired part time. The stigma followed him for the rest of his life. Hanzo lived in quiet shame as a recluse and- Why did I lose my job? Oh, because you are alive. Right? Even upon his passing, mention of the Titanic had been forbidden in his home.

Starting point is 01:06:16 That is a part of Japanese culture that you're like, guys, let it go. It's bullshit. Get rid of that. That's insane. That's bullshit. It's bullshit. That poor bastard. Poor bastard. Women and children were on.

Starting point is 01:06:26 There was a spot. Oh, so could I just say this? Back then, racism was prevalent. It was at its all-time high. Right. Imagine him on the boat and people are scooting away. Right. They would do that.

Starting point is 01:06:38 They don't want to touch him. They don't want to touch. No, racism at its all-time high. Yeah. What a lonely boat ride. I mean, how quiet. Nobody wants all time high. Yeah. What a lonely boat ride. I mean, how quiet. Nobody wants to say anything. Yeah. Because he's there. They're afraid he's like, you know. But what if he said something made everyone laugh? It's dead quiet.

Starting point is 01:06:55 Dead silent. And then he looks at everyone and he goes, had all. And they all just start laughing. I think I would have been really funny on that boat. Don't you think? Oh, they made a movie? There's a North Korean on the Titanic? There's a North Korean version.

Starting point is 01:07:15 Oh my god, that's so funny. It's quiet. They did it 100 times in a row to perfect their story. Wow. They what? Kim Jong-un made a, or someone made them watch Titanic or a hundred times so that they could know the story so well.

Starting point is 01:07:30 Wow. And so we made it North Korea. Is the graphics as good? I don't think so. It looks the exact same. It's called Soul's Protest. Oh, we gotta get that movie. Can we buy that?

Starting point is 01:07:39 There's no way to find that movie. Hey, how about quiet on the boat, the water splashing by. Everyone's staring. He's sitting there, a Japanese guy, and then he goes, more like a not so nice boog. Dude, imagine him trying to do a bit. He's trying to do a stand up. He's trying to do a witty bit there. That's so funny. And it dies. It dies. Imagine it bombs so bad. But one kid in the back is like...

Starting point is 01:08:15 The whole movie is on YouTube for free. You better believe it is. Yeah well they want propaganda. Oh this looks exactly like the original. What if the Japanese guy goes, what if the Japanese guy goes. Turn it off. He goes, just dead quiet, it doesn't might not work, but he goes. Water swishing by.

Starting point is 01:08:34 It swishing by, right. Yeah. I know it's really cold, but nobody say, it's so nippy. I don't know. He goes, I don't know. Because the captain said, iceberg not that big. I guess he was Wong.

Starting point is 01:08:57 Who was driving that ship? A Chinese guy? Dude, him doing bits on the boat. That's so funny. I would fucking lose my shit. That's such a fucking insane concept. It's insane. And the poor guy ridiculed, lost everything. He probably killed himself.

Starting point is 01:09:14 No he didn't, he said he died his natural death by himself in his house alone, jobless and alone. I mean come on. By the way, did you see this clip of Trump going to Chick-fil-A? Have you seen that? No. It's fucking hilarious, dude. This guy, he's a nonstop media fucking frenzy, this guy.

Starting point is 01:09:32 Donald Trump went to Chick-fil-A yesterday and was talking with the workers and it was such an organic moment because you had all these people. Yeah, super organic. Super organic. Were Trump supporters as well, minorities. What are the chances? moment because you had all these people. Yeah super organic. Super organic. Were Trump supporters as well, minorities. What are the chances?

Starting point is 01:09:49 What good looking people. That was worth it. I love those like you have. That's beautiful. Good, he's hilarious. It's art, right? Why are you doing a little bit of that? You're lying! He's hilarious Yeah, everyone's getting rich that works at fucking Chick-fil-a Donald Trump is so fucking detached that's

Starting point is 01:10:25 Hysterical he doesn't know We'll take 30 milkshakes. I'm sure you're all billionaires. When you get out of here, do you fly or drive? What a fucking goon. He's an asshole. Are you all Republicans? By the way, this is a note to our fans. When you walk into a Chick-fil-A, ask if they're Republicans.

Starting point is 01:10:43 Don't order yet. Hi, welcome to McDonald's. How can I take your order? Hi, are you a Republican? So what I want to do is I want to end this podcast by asking Andreas, when are you shooting your movie? When John available. So have you gone through the casting process? I'm on it right now. Cool. Good luck. Thank you. Let's see this final clip to end the show.

Starting point is 01:11:08 What is it? After we finished filming, O.J. said to me that he had a surprise for me, and I genuinely was surprised. Just did you do it? No, I didn't. I think it was his idea of a joke. Nope. And this is it.

Starting point is 01:11:22 Didn't I do it? No, I didn't. And this is it She shit her pants, huh? Dude, I would be rest in peace. Oh, yeah, you fucking ass. What a fucking asshole. Oh my god, dude That's insane. Thank you for being a bad friend. Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today.

Bad Friends - Heaven's Back Door

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