Bad Friends - Medieval Farts and Reverse Sneezing

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

Thank you to our sponsors: http://betterhelp.com/badfriends & Beach Body On Demand text BADFRIENDS to 303030 & https://www.joinhoney.com/badfriends & http://buffy.co code: badfriends Watch us on YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino. More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started Bad friends mythological madness. It's all in my mind Mythological mythological madness of the supreme kind. Mm-hmm, you know cuz it rhymes and it's about on your mental mental disorders and stuff mythological madness baby in my mind mythological madness All the time right now, but baby I grab a knife from the kitchen and go to the bedroom No, no, no, no

I stab you in the neck Then you take some man and you boil some babies and then you smoke it outside Yeah, and your neighbor says cut it out. So you kill him too. Yeah, welcome to the show. What do you been having crazy dreams? Oh my god, I've been I sue for the last ten years. Um, I Haven't dreamt it at all come on never no It's like ever my sleeps were like almost como type sleeps where you wake up and you go come on sleep Come asleep. Oh, you go. What day is it? What time? You know when you wake up? Yeah, what? Yeah, I don't know what happened, but since the quarantine and since I've been sober this time. Oh my lord

How many hours a night do you get? Oh shit? I get about nine or ten hours, and I didn't go I didn't wake up until like 245 that's why I could text you. I said I was gonna be late. I know well you were late Kalyla actually texted me Here Kalyla texted me this oh, I just woke this I woke up like this Kalyla just said Here you go. He's she wrote here you go. He's on his way. That's what she said. Yeah. Yeah, so here we go There he goes There he goes come back this way come back this way Jesus Your dog look at your dog listen your dog growl. I know listen this dog

No, that's not growling. That's okay. Thank you. Thank you Rudy. What is that Rudy? Reverse your dog reverse sneezes. Yeah, we don't do it normal We do everything reverse. This is a dog sneezing backwards. Yeah What the fuck is that dude we have two dogs that do that what the fuck are you talking about dogs do that? Reverse sneezing. Yeah, it's like when cats go like this cat do this They got and then they cough up some fucking ball of fucking cute balls. Oh My god, no, no googling everything you fuck reverse sneezing is very common and less so in cats So you're wrong about that when pets reverse sneeze they typically stand extend their head and neck pull back their lips and inhale

Repeatedly forcefully through their nose a distinctive loud snorking sound. Yeah Yeah Yeah This is your dog. Oh my god My fucking medieval fart you hear this is not that interesting, but the fucking reverse season easing is I've never heard a fart like that my friend. That's fucking from the medieval days. My friend hear it again It's like the drummer bore boy farts, there's like 15 drummers in there Yeah

Look at my little Smurf under underwear look like Papa Smurf with Yeah, all right enough enough enough enough of those, you know, it's so great about that I do that all the time at the house You do I rewind stuff over and over and over and she fucking hates when I do it Yeah, it makes me laugh so hard when I find something funny like that on a show or like anything Yeah, I have to watch it again and again. Yeah, I do I watch American Idol and the voice like that But my point is this do you ever fart in bed? Yes, yeah, yeah, yes, do you what do you do you squeeze your butt cheeks open so that it comes out there?

So there's no noise it depends if see I usually I fart in bed only if I know that we're not gonna make boop boop If we're not gonna make boom boom if we if it's not in the cards. Yeah, then I'll fart in bed Do you know if it's in the cards or not? You can feel it. Ah, it's about a sense. You can feel it in the air Yeah, yeah, yeah, by the way, did you I got boom boom from our favorite boom boom make a good boom boom From my favorite characters from 90 Day Fiancé. Did you tweet at Ed? Oh, no, so this would happen. So Ted. Yeah, big Ed big head Ed. May oh, yeah, male head Oh, yeah, he was on Instagram live and I got on it and I go

First I kept saying 15 times acknowledge me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and he wouldn't do it, right? Because he's like interview. He's like doing Instagram live with just other people it hurt my feelings. Well, you want it you wanted to do an IG live with Or at least say hey, what's up or whatever, right? So then I started going. Um, hey, man, I'm verified I have a blue check it Isn't that so funny though when you send someone a message on there and they're verified and you are too you automatically go Come on, open it up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's funny because it's like when somebody very do you ever do this when like somebody verified? Follows you on Twitter. You follow them back. Yeah all the time. Yeah. Yeah, why is that? It's because it's like a club

Yeah, you feel like you're a part of a thing. Yeah, like, you know who follows me, but I was and I'm a fan But am I following Louis for Bacalski was his name what the singer Louis Bacalski from England Louis Cappaldi. Yeah, Louis Cappaldi. Who is that? He's one of the biggest singers on planet Earth. I don't know. Yeah What does he sing? There he is. Wow. He's huge his sharp-looking cat. Yeah, he's one of the best singers. What does he sing? What's that song that he sings? You know the song sing it a little bit. No, just give me a little bit Don't don't don't fully sing it. Just just give me the gist

No, the lyrics the lyrics Is this someone you love does that I do it like I'm a lot but yeah, yeah, it's someone you know, that's a great song Yeah, is that the one? Yeah Yeah Here read the lyrics they're there for you I can't read it a little bigger because my uncle I'm blind he goes Now the day bleeds into nightfall and you're not here to get me through it all

I'll let your guard. I let my guard down and think you pulled the rug I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he follows me on twitter Yeah, I love and he's a huge star and I don't know if I follow him back But um, no you didn't it sounds like you didn't follow him. Yeah, but but because he's so big I didn't want to like How many followers on it? Does he have a lot of followers? Millions. Yeah, he's huge. He's like the next edge. How do I not know this guy? Because I don't know. I mean you only like Conor McGregor and like the lucky charms guy What is that what this is music? I like music. Maybe you like only redheaded vibe. I only like redheaded stuff

He's a redhead. I would have liked him. Oh, yeah, okay. This is what it should have gone like. Yeah I'm going under this time and I feel nowhere to turn to nothing all the way I've got me sleeping out. You know, I need somebody to know somebody to heal somebody To hell just know how it feels. That's my kind of stuff. Wow, you can sing kind of huh creed. That's my kind of stuff Sing I can't sing I can I know how to I'm a good, um You know like like monkey see monkey do oh Monkey do oh, I see. I know how to repeat what I've heard. Yeah, I can imitate it, but I can't sing. I can't do impressions Yeah, you can. No, I can't. Yeah, you can. No, I can do um do an impression of oh that's oh deniro. Yeah deniro, okay

No, don't talk. Don't talk. Don't talk. Just do the face. That's good. Now. Give me another face of an impression of someone else You can oh, they really um Uh, that's you No, who is that? Yoko. Oh, no. Oh Yoko. Yeah. Oh, that's good pretty good. Hey, can I ask you something? Yeah, could you mind a lot of people hit us up on the internet and they asked us to play and they asked us to play a little bit of Of some of your psychedelic rock Can we play some of it? No, it's so good. You saw it. I actually really like that song. I'm not even kidding a little bit It's fucking awesome. Oh god

60,000 people watch the video it used probably had like nine hits before you mentioned it And that's you. Yeah, that's me. Look at how you by the way You look so you look so cute in this video. Yeah, and and what pissed me off about laxin superb Yeah, uh the band and I don't know if you friends with these guys anymore But what pissed me off about this music video. Yeah, they punched in on your hands Yeah, and not and they didn't show your fucking face till four four minutes and 55 seconds in the video Yeah, because at the time I was just the seventh kind of doesn't matter. You're important Yeah, but back then I wasn't you were ripping you ripped on that fucking rolling those keys were getting slid on bitch

You fuck you. I'm that serious. It was so fun. All right, and then and then the lead singer It's like it's just him him him. Yeah, kevin shul from chicago. What's up? But they show the band from a huge wide shot and they don't get to you until four minutes roof is in it Alan meadow. What's up guys? That's all they gave you Five seconds. I know that's the only face shot you got right now. I know five seconds of a fave shot That's what they gave you so many people in that band And fade out from Bob, that's it

I know I love I honestly though the song I listen to over and over and maybe it's because from that generation No, but it reminded me of stuff that I love let me say this and I want to defend the band is is that I didn't say Anything negative about I just want to defend it. Oh, just just in case. Okay. Is um, I'll honestly the music was okay. You know, it's just What what drove me crazy is is that see okay? See that shot right there. Yeah, so see that man to the right with the black See that guy to the right with the glasses and this guy that the arrow is on right now that guy. No, it's okay I forgot his name, but so those other three at the end of the year I forgot his name, but so those other three I went to high school with How's it gonna say this guy's balding in high school? No, this guy, right? So we used to play this

This coffee shop called metaphor cafe in escondido Nice And he and his other friend had like a simon and garfunkel duo band But they were so infinitely better, but they were in their 40s. They're just a better musician. They were really good Yeah, and so kevin goes. Why don't you join our band? So then we became like Grateful dead. That's how many people were on the stage. Yeah at one point. I think you see a shot. There's 37 people in the I know I know so then what happened was I didn't want these two old fuckers in the band. Why? He just looked like a lawyer. So

and then um, so what happened was Um, I just kind of stopped going to practice in like kind of rebelling in protest against them in protest Because you were like at the old guys out or not? Yes, I felt like if I just stopped kind of getting involved that they'll throw these guys out of the band But then I remember the meeting Oh, they had like an intervention. Oh, yeah, they know they brought me to the metaphor cafe during the day And I remember sitting there and they all collectively goes you're out of the band

And I literally I remember And I remember tears Just rolling off my face because you thought that your move was gonna you were playing a power move Yeah, I was doing a power move in a backfire, right? Fuck me, right? Right, and then I remember this I go. I don't know what I'm gonna do So what I did was my friend F Scott Collins. Was he a fucking novelist? Sounds like a writer. He lives in Phoenix. He's a great guy. He's

In many ways. I owe comedy to him. Really? Yeah, because F Scott Collins was like this 50 year old dude or 40 year old 50 year old dude bald head a kind of military looking guy That I met in a And he goes Hey, uh, I'm doing this acting actors workshop in pacific beach And I go, yeah, I'm not an actor and he goes. I know but this guy named gary austin. You know who gary austin I don't Okay, well, I'm gonna tell you. I'm okay. I don't like your tone. Oh god. All right. Here we go. Gary austin Yeah, founded the groundlings

Oh, yeah in the early 70s. I didn't know that he got kicked out of the groundlings, but he founded it I don't know how I don't know the politics of it, but if you go in front of The groundlings on melrose. There's a plaque that says his name gary austin gary austin. He died. What did he die of? I don't remember but um, he died like maybe 10 years ago or eight years ago. I remember being very sad when he died Gary austin. Yeah, so gary austin Was like one of the first improvisers Yeah, right. So he used to do So he came down to my friend f scott collins

Um class to do just a series of classes. It cost a lot of money I remember asking my dad for the money he gave it to me to take like 101, right? Yeah, it's but But it was through gary austin Where I was like, you know, we would play improv games And I didn't really know the rules, but he taught me the rules and um, how many rules are there by the way I only know two. Yes, and and never say no Yeah, well, yes, and is that same thing. That's the same rule. What's the other one add information add information Okay, so instead of going how much money I'll so I'll give you an example

Yeah, so if you didn't have improv class right for those of you listening I would be we're in a scene together. Okay, we're gonna say hey teddy. I bought you a birthday gift. Congratulations. Uh, man It's not my birthday See, that's that's not see that That's exactly what you shouldn't do. You know that right you did that as a joke. Yeah, of course. So let's do the scene I'm supposed to do it. Yeah. Yeah, so ding dong There's no door there Yeah, that's so ding dong

Hey, teddy. Good morning. Hey mica Yeah, so that's exactly what you're supposed to do add information right and I go I got you a birthday gift. Here you go. Happy birthday. Whoa a frog. See there we go. I've always wanted a frog see that's how you do it And then that would be still fine. Yeah, that would still be fine Yeah, yeah, that would still be fine because you're so that's those are the rules So but I'm gonna tell you improv is fun. It it's okay. No, no, no, it actually is fun. I'm not talking shit It is cool. I think it's fun when it's done really well Same as stand-up

Yeah, but I've seen the best do it Yeah, I've seen Jordan Keegan Yeah, do long for with ike barenholds back in the day love like love those guys And I used to just kind of go. All right Long form improv they're just like an hour and a half show. I can't do I can't stay for that long neither But I like little snippets. Yeah snippets are fine. Yeah, I'll take little snippets But this is what happened. So gary austin. I was really into it And gary austin had a class in burbank. How many levels did you get by the way?

He didn't have levels. I thought that don't you pay money for every level? He wasn't at the growlings at the time. Oh, yeah Yeah, he got kicked out. I told you Oh, I didn't know how far along that was. Yeah, he got kicked out in the 80s. Oh shit So he's like it's mine and they're like not anymore. Right. That's what seems nice So I went to I used to drive to burbank from san diego And to take his classes and I remember meeting minty kohn. You know, she was on the facts of life Yes, so she was in the class and I remember hearing that pat marita had just dropped the classes But he was doing it doing it too. Wow

So I just remember being like I thought minty kohn was like being in front of meryl street like to me at the time I mean at the time she was very famous But even also at the time a kid from san diego who doesn't know anybody like I didn't know anybody Right, I didn't know how show business worked, right? Right. So I remember just Just looking at all these I thought everyone was a star. Yeah, you know me just looking around going. Oh my god Is that guy a star? He looks like charleston astin or whatever, you know, maybe that's charleston astin. I don't know Yeah So one night I went there. This is actually happened and he goes

Hey, uh, you hungry kid And I go and this is fscout for gerald. No, this is not fscout. This is gary austin I'm just gonna get you. Yeah, gary ast goes are you hungry kid? And I go, yeah I mean I'm gonna drive back to san diego. I could get a meal. So we went to jerry's diner in studio city Love jerry's right. Yeah, and I was there with me gary austin And I don't remember the third person we were with but um, we're eating And I remember like going I have no money. I can't pay for this Oh, I hated those days when you were nervous

And you're like, I'll just have I'll just have a fry from someone's plate. Well, that's what I did I got not hungry. He goes you haven't eaten all day. You have no money, right? And I go, yeah And he goes it's on the it's on the house. I got it. Oh, so nice So we were sitting there eating and they're like 36 cheeseburgers in 97 Yeah, yeah, and the the restaurant was packed. Yeah, it was on a friday night And I had been taking the class for about a month or whatever and I and I go I play the piano as well And he goes

He got mad What do you mean gary austin? I'll tell you hawaii. He goes what you fucking play the piano And I go, yeah, he goes, how come you didn't tell me? Because you know, we had we had a class where we revealed all our talents and we talked about ourselves. Sure And I just because I'm not that great at it. I know how to play chords and stuff You imagine how basic music works, right? But I'm like shy. He goes if you're shy, you're never gonna make it Right. He's right though. Right. Right. And I go, okay And he goes, I'll tell you what kid

You stand on this booth And you get the attention of the whole restaurant Oh, shit, and he goes you pay you get everyone's attention and you tell everyone that you play the piano Right, and I promise you this sounds so cheesy 10 years from now You're gonna be on the tonight show And I said no and I started eating Right, but then you know, he let it go

And we just eat it and I don't know what came over me. I just stood up on the fucking booth Hey, everybody The whole restaurant shut up and I go I play the piano and I kid you not this so cheesy the whole restaurant claps Shut up. No, I'm not kidding you Why I don't know why wow, but they all clap I sat down and Gary Austin looks and he was probably a kid And 11 years later So he was all he was wrong

So the moral is he's incorrect. The guy's fucking bad gauge of time There's 11 years not 10 so Not a smart man. Hmm. You know, it's a story that no, I'll just let's back up for a second By the way, anytime anytime an asian kid stands up and goes I play the piano. I would have been like we know Yeah, yeah, that's really sweet though that he'd that yeah, he did that And then um, so that was my first introduction to any kind of like Maybe

You know me and this can happen Maybe you were gonna be a full-time comedian. No, but I just thought that this is you know I remember taking the class of being excited I remember driving up to LA and listening to the song Los Angeles by Frank Black Because his album had just come out. Yeah, and just going um Just go like I can't believe I'm you know going to LA and doing this so cool though They have a soundtrack to go get it hyped up right and and it's funny because it's you know, you You know when you're a young guy like that 1920 and you

You don't know anybody in show business and you never think That that could be a part of your reality. Yeah And you know in many ways those times I miss I miss don't you miss struggling a little bit? It's funny. I talked I've talked about a little a little bit before but I do miss it I miss it. I don't miss the way I used to get had panic attacks at three in the morning about how I was going to pay rent That that I don't miss at all right But but there was something I joked the other day. I used to live in a fucking dining room I used to live in a dining room three dudes one bathroom

Mm-hmm. They had a bad room and I lived in a partitioned off dining room And I slept on the floor my mat met a mattress on the floor no like bed frame And I had a desk that I got off the street under the freeway Yeah under the tent freeway. Yeah And the thing I missed the most was go when I left my shitty sad Fucking apartment and went to go do mics. Hmm. I was I was the same as everybody else. Yeah I didn't feel poor and sad because I was out having fun telling jokes fucking around. Yeah until you have those vulnerable moments where you're like

Fuck I can't pay for this cheeseburger. You know like those moments are bad or terrible But when you were out and you were nothing mattered. I had no schedule You know, you're you're usually young and single and and dumb and down to do anything So there is no time. There's no schedule. Nothing matters. Yeah, I miss the fuck out of that. Yeah But don't you miss like when like I remember coming to LA and there was this guy named Vic Dunlop Do you remember Vic Dunlop? No, but I love that name the guy who made Dunlop Sporting equipment that guy No, Vic Dunlop Vic Dunlop died

Dude, all these guys died from your story. It was a comic. Oh shit Dunlop was a big pretty big comic. I guess in the 80s. I remember watching him on shows and whatever It wasn't the biggest kind of was he was he funny. Do you like him? He's a fat guy pretty funny. Yeah And I remember Vic Dunlop. This is when he Was going down and obviously like he was not playing the store anymore his health or his abilities his abilities I guess, you know, and he used to run this coffee shop in Pasadena I remember Vic Dunlop calling me one time. Hey kid. This is when I first moved to LA. I'm doing this coffee shop You should come play it kid, you know

And I remember like turning to my roommates going Do you know who that is? And they're like who the Dunlop as if it was like Tom Hardy or some shit. Yeah. Yeah, but you get excited about it's huge Yeah, or when I remember one time Byron Allen Right, I was doing an open mic. Yeah, and he came up to me and he goes There's a long time ago and he goes you know about timing kid keep going And I remember like laying in bed no money

You with like 15 dudes in a fucking one bedroom apartment, right? But just laying there next to all your friends going to sleep going That happened. I know it's so dumb. No, it's great. I know it's dumb to talk about now. Now it's like I see guys. I'm like, fuck you. Right. That's what you do to everybody. Yeah I can see Adam Sandler go. Fuck you. You know, whatever the feeling was cool back then But back then it was so magical and um, I you know many times I miss um that innocence and and that um I like the struggle Better help better something interfering with your happiness or it's preventing you from achieving your goals

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Right, if you want to start living happy. Yeah, and you don't want to be like rude attacking people in your dream dreams Mm-hmm vampire eggs vampire eggs and all that stuff. It's more affordable than than what you're used to It's great. Go to go to betterhelp.com slash bad friends. That's a better HELP and join the other 700,000 people taking charge of their mental health online with experienced professionals There's a special offer for our listeners at bad friends go to go to betterhelp.com slash bad friends And you're gonna get yourself 10% off that's right first month betterhelp.com slash bad friends. Yeah Beach body We both got beach bodies even though bobby hates when I wear shorts. Okay, we're stuck inside

I'm very white, but I'm still trying to stay in shape. I challenge bobby too You know, I just love online workouts because especially beach body because they have the best trainers on planet earth I feel you know, I mean this is a company a company behind P90x insanity and 21 day fix They have trainers like super trainers like tony horton jule freeman jericho is my favorite jericho matthews and autumn calabrese calabrese la catalina I made I made bobby try the morning meltdown 100 and it was actually very funny And I did it one morning

I did it one morning and I it was so fucking hard But the thing is is I felt like I accomplished something after or they pushed me to the limit And I just feel like uh, I just feel really good. I'm gonna do it again I I hope you do it again, but the next time you do it like I told you you have to wear clothes That that you can't do those. I do it naked because I sweat a lot I know, but it's a little ridiculous. All right, work out on your own schedule. Workouts are short as 10 minutes They don't require extra equipment. Yeah, you can do it anywhere. Bob did it from his computer You can do it from a tablet smartphone. Roku Roku Apple TV

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Get your blood pumping get your butt blood pumping guys And right now our listeners can get a special free trial membership when you text bad friends to 3030 30 30 30 You'll get full access to this entire platform for free all the workouts the nutrition information all the stuff that you need to know Totally free totally free from the comfort of your home again. Just text bad friends to 30 30 30 What was the first time when you did stand you just stand up in chicago or here first here? Well, no, no, no, phoenix in arizona when I was in school. Oh, you went to asu. Yeah Me and your brother bonded so close. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, so you would ask you. Yeah, so you just stand up where?

There was like a local bullshit coffee shop in in glint mesa or glendale or one of those spots All right, right, but but I used to go to the tempi improv But I couldn't get up there. I was of course there even the open mics was not the open mic was for people that were like comics Yeah, it was dan murther back then I don't remember. I don't remember was anime you get there We had just missed each other. Oh really? I know so we talked about that. It was that we just remember the first night you killed I remember the uh, I remember one of the first nights Yeah, yes, I remember one of the first nights that I did really really well. It was at a place called room five

It doesn't exist anymore here on the brea. Uh-huh. It's above an old like I remember that place Armenian restaurant Yeah, that place that was the first place I ever did really well and the guy that used to run it was like a crazy alcoholic What was his name? Do you know him talking about no rick something? Maybe yeah, dude? He like you'd show up and he was so nice good, dude not a bad, dude I'm just saying you'd show up you like what's up, man? You're like what's going on, man? He's like nothing man lineups over there. Ba da da da da within like 10 minutes. You turn back around. He'd be like Hey you fucking yeah, you black the fuck out and he would black out for no shit four or five hours

He would sit and drink and drink and drink and then he'd go are you drinking? Yeah, like no no and he'd go take in your fucking tickets because you would to give those remember when you used to get Drink tickets all the time. Yeah, we're back. I'm taking your drink tickets He would just take my drink tickets get wasted and I'd never get paid. I never ever ever It's supposed to be five or ten bucks. I never got paid Yeah, but I killed in that room for the first time when I ever like really Like really did it. Yeah, and then what it was so when you killed Yeah, let me tell you because you know who was there this the guy who used to come around the store doesn't come around anymore

Christian Harloff. Do you remember him? I love Christian. I love Christian. Yeah, he had said something Christian was a regular at the store at the time and was yeah, I love Christian Harloff. He was going all the time He was killing. Yeah, and he came up to me and he was like In so many words He's like, yeah, man, you're uh, you're gonna be better than this place pretty soon and I was like, oh Thanks, man, and I had just done so well that I was kind of riding on this high and I he getting his respect was huge He was a regular at the store. That was a big deal

Yeah, for back then people knows like when a regular was like, yeah, you're pretty funny You were like also when when chris delay and I saw you perform and we said to you It didn't matter because I knew I was good already. I was already better than you guys then When you and chris were like, oh, this guy's great. It's like, yeah, I'm better than both of you guys Do it right into your own microphone Did you get that did you see him on that frame? Yeah, perfect. That was sad. Scoot over this way a little bit. There you go. Why was it sad? Because I when I the drumming the drummer boy, but it didn't know but that's what you did No, when you and chris said something nice about me, it was it was it was very wonderful

It made me I want to ask you when you talked about the grounding saying because I totally forgot um Um, ucb closed down. Do you know that forever? That's what I read online. Yeah, I don't I don't know if that's true What do you mean? That's it's fucking everything's closed. It's quarantine, baby. No Closes ucb closes upright citizen brigade Uh training center will be closed forever. Yeah forever. Wow, new york not la not la new york Yeah, new york. Yeah Sad, you know, it is sad. Um, it's you know

It's one of those venues for me like Largo where I it's a little You'd go there and bomb Not just bomb. I just when I walked went there. I never felt like I was a part of it Well, because you're because we're not that's an exclusive little group I know I mean you would get invited to do some sort of improv show or do stand-up in an improv show You know, they always had like a hook. It couldn't just be stand-up. Yeah You got to stand up But then there's an interview where we you have to play a character

Um, someone's going to throw something at the audience at you just out of nowhere And it's an object that we gave them and so you just have to play with it. Yeah It might hit you in the face. Am I not? Yeah, and it's and but it's one of those places where I go I always thought to myself. I'm not cool enough or well, they always had kind of there's always a vibe there, right? But this this is the only way I explained it whenever I would feel like shit because I go there and do a show and do Fine or something. Yeah, and I was like, what the fuck it's the same jokes. I do back at the I always would walk away going. Ah, this is how people feel when they come to the store. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, so I felt the balance was right

Well, I was like, oh, I deserve to feel like that because I know people come up to me and they're like Fuck a story makes me feel like shit whenever I go. I'm like, what? Yeah I think the stores for people that experience trauma. Yeah a lot of it Yeah, because I know a lot of like wholesome just nice people with good upbringings Who get a really strange vibe from the company store where like they feel just as soon as they get there Like gross. Yeah, and just intimidated. Yeah, it is though. It is very intimidating. Yeah But it's it's just, you know, you can't fuck with the history man. No You can't fuck with the history and the the level of

Of talent. Did you when you when you bomb for the first time? At the store like do you remember your first like bad bad show there? Yeah, I can tell you what it is. Yeah, and and Come on, baby. I know I'm going to say but I have to think about come on. I don't want to start a war Let the papa tell a story Um, you're not going to start a war. So this is what happened. Oh fuck. Sorry So this is when I was opening up for Mencia a lot. Turn it off. Okay, because I want to pay attention All right, relax your volume thing on the side. I don't know how right there where your thumb is

I'm hoping off. Oh, look at that. That's very that's responsible. Yeah, Rudy's laughing Rudy likes it. Rudy loves it. So yeah I was living in San Diego, but Mitzi had made me a paid regular At La Jolla or at no what I I got lucky. So two years in Paulie called me and goes did I say an open mic? And I'm looking for an mc for my vegas show And I go I was working the door in La Jolla and I go No, all right. Yeah, so he flew me out there and it was in front of this. He was huge at the time

5,000 people. Where was it at in Vegas off of the river? Wow, right? So Steve stripper was like the guy there You know stripper. Yes, 5,000 people. Yeah, and I remember a stripper going it good He called me ching because dice used to call me ching. Yeah Dice used to call me ching C-h-i-n-g C-h-i-n-k. Yeah. Yeah. So he's ego. What are you saying? Which one are you saying? Ching with the g. Oh my god. Yeah. Not chink Not chink. That's illegal. No, it's not. It's cancel. You can't you could have said it back then we said it all the time

Yeah, you guys did just a Shane Gillis got canceled from it. That's now So stripper used to call me ching and then um, yeah Yeah And he go a ching you do if you do six minutes I'll break your legs. Oh, yeah, if you do four minutes. I'll break your legs You do five. That's it. That's what you gotta remember just being I like my legs You know me just like you're literally taking it literally. Yeah, you know, yeah

It's also Vegas. Maybe it was living while you'd hear stories that he was connected to the mafia or whatever. Yeah, he was So I remember it was I had been doing comedy for two years And I went up. I don't remember what I did And then I brought up wild willy parson's. I don't know wild willy parson. His picture's still down the store Wild willy parson's went up. It's 30. But when I got off stage Backstage huge place, right? Yeah, I see Mitzi coming up to me. Oh And I'm an open mic

She goes, hey mommy There you go. What is that? That's her. That's what she sounded like. I know but you do it like she's like Yeah, that's what she sounded like. Bobby. Bobby. Yeah Yeah, yeah, Mitzi. That's how I used to sound scared. Mm-hmm. What? Yeah Why? What's what did I do something wrong? And she goes You're a regular at all my clubs

Oh, wow, and that's how I got in Damn how lucky that must have felt so fucking good. So lucky. So I was living in San Diego in a regular But men see he goes a dude a bro. You come up and do you know come to la bro So I went up there on a saturday night and mitzi saw me there And I was hanging out with carlos in the main room green room And carlos goes a mitzi put him up Right you're a new comic. I'm new. Yeah

Yeah, and and mitzi goes yeah, you go up and Joe Rogan says Joe Rogan's there And Joe Rogan goes mitzi. He's fucking seeing the eagle. He's not funny Or something like that He's not fucking funny, right? Yeah, he'll be fine. That's what she said. Yeah, I went up there Not only did I not hear any laughs I hear Rogan in the back on I fucking told you he's not funny He's not fucking funny mitzi. He's from La Jolla Yeah, right and I remember eating it so bad. You can feel it. Oh my god. It was also like

One of those sets where I went. Oh, maybe It I'm not gonna make it. Yeah. Oh, you know, maybe yeah, maybe it's just like I was a local San Diego what who am I competing against? You know, right? But maybe in the big leagues I just don't have it In retrospect is because I just didn't wasn't you weren't ready. I wasn't ready. That's all you were good You just weren't ready. I wasn't even good. I wasn't even good It was just like I just know what it wasn't ready. Can you give me one of your jokes that bombed? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah I used to do um

I'm so lonely right I'm so lonely When I used to when I masturbate I grabbed my own ass Right, and I go and then I turn around I go Do me do me and I start screaming Yeah

And then my opening act my opening line was I used to make my hair really messy. Yeah, so it was out of control And I would go I'm not really asian I just woke up Oh my god And it used to get Crush in San Diego in San Diego, but and I did in the main room Nothing nothing

And that was so funny yesterday The sclar brother and I did something with them and the sclar brothers was around back then What did you do with the sclar brothers? I could help it. I thought we're quarantining No, I didn't I did it through Oh zoom zoom. Oh, okay, but why because We I know but the thing is I know I like them too. I know I like them too. Yeah. Yeah. They got mad at me by the way Well, I mean I just finished. I made fun of star wars Oh, I hate star wars, but they um

They went through my agent and my manager Um, they kept calling me and then I don't respond. So then they went to abby And matt and they called me. Hey, what about the sclar brothers and I went Well, did you they have my number? So then when they directly called me, I couldn't say no So that's that but anyway the sclar brother. Let me just finish this and then you go into this The sclar brothers. I remember I was so bad back then that they pulled me aside one night And they go, hey, um, you know, you're confident up there

But like we don't know anything about you Yeah, you know, because they're like really direct and I go, what do you mean? Like I mean, you're just doing jokes about they don't make any sense You're doing ninjas on southwest, right? He's doing big cults ninjas in southwest. Yeah, and he goes it just that's You know, you there's nothing that we know What's the premise of what's the premise of that bit that ninjas in the south because back then in security checkpoints They used to have um a big a weapons like no weapons and then they had tomahawk was one of them They all said num chucks. Yeah, right. Yeah, and so I go

I mean, how many ninjas are you know, I mean That's their job to sneak right and I you'll hear you see a smoke bomb and then they're in this overhead compartment, you mean and then I used to go you cannot see me That's a good job. That's a good job. I did not tonight show But um, they go um, so then I remember going Them saying that and I remember going I fucking hate the sclar brothers. Yeah for years for how long for like five years Yeah, when I see this club, but then when I got what they were saying And when I started doing what they were suggesting, right? I went they were trying to help

Yeah, they were just trying they were just trying to give you some give you some tips Oh, just a direction to go You know who said the meanest thing about those guys and I love them. They're great dudes. They're nice to me I love them that the meanest thing and they said this on stage They said David tell gave them the best and the worst meanest intro of all time What was it? They brought up a tell a tell was at the store. I love them and they did they did they were they did they did very well And then they bring up Dave

Dave gets up there You know, he's like already he's like he's like, uh Give it up for the sclar brothers when people start clapping. He goes I didn't know boring came in stereo Wow, and they both were like and I don't get here. My it was Randy or something. Jason's was like I was they were both like honored Yeah, to get like shit on by him. Yeah, but also they were like, maybe he means it Yeah, like because he's good like that. You knew who makes used to give me the worst intros who?

Mark Maron Oh, well, yeah, what the fuck. No, it got to the point. I could see him doing that on purpose. I had to say it That you were like, thanks for the shitty intro. No, I had to pull him aside and go Literally, I'm gonna I I'll kill you I could kill you if you do that again. Yeah, he goes. What do you mean? I I can't do it. What was it? What was the word? What was this next guy? Um gives you high energy because you know, he wants you to like him Fuck you, right? And he's like kind of a dancing clown. Fuck you, right?

So here comes, you know, mr. Needy. Fuck you, right? And I remember just pulling him aside and go, you know, you might be right I mean, you might be right. Sure. I might be needy. Yeah, and I might I might I don't play a guitar or do Props, but only your friends get to call you mr. Needy. Yeah, but it's also it's like there's certain theatrics that I do That may be through time I'll let go of but it's just not your job, you know, I give great intros You do you give probably the best in the game. It is really funny for a comic to say someone else is needy We're all fucking needy bitches. That's why we're on stage doing comedy And then but then the mark over the years after that gave me the best intros

He said one of the nicest things I've ever heard in my life. We talk very sparingly as mark does marks like that And when I was on that, I'm dying up your show The show had said they were going to submit me for consideration for an Emmy And I was like, why? I was like, I don't that's you're a great actor. No, but I was like, that's a stupid idea

I don't even want to be I was like, I don't even want to be in the idea of that world Jules, we should watch the show he was on. No, it was on a showtime. It was called But let me just let me just finish and Eric Griffin's on it too and now magical Jim Carrey Jim Carrey produced it Yeah, it was on showtime. It just came out a year ago. It got cancelled. It doesn't matter. We should watch it Anyway, but but but I'll say this they said they were gonna they were gonna put me up for an Emmy And honestly, genuinely when they said that I did tell my age and I was like, I don't really want to do that Because I know it's a political process. I don't want to do interviews and stuff. I don't really like that stuff I'm not good at that. Right. And I'm not good at hiding my

Poker face like I don't have like when they're like, how was the show? Like I don't give a fuck. What do you mean? Why do we talk about it? I don't like yeah, so They said that and then because mark is on The the why can't I think of the wrestling show? I'm so stupid. It's called glow glow and they're on showtime as well Or other on each HBO Netflix. Yeah, whatever it is. Yeah, it was at the same time that people were getting Considered and mark came up to me Out of nowhere We always say hi and that's kind of it and he goes, hey, you're really good on that show

I said, oh, thanks mark and he goes, you know, I voted for you. I voted for you Really, I swear to God in my life. Yeah, I was like seriously. Yeah. Yeah Yeah later, man, and he left and I remember I called my wife I thought I go that's the nicest thing mark was like so out of nowhere because he doesn't really do that I don't know what he did that. Okay a year ago. He came up to me. By the way, then I DM'd him Like a week later and I was like, hey, man, I just want to say like that that was really awesome Yeah, you did that and he left me on scene Which is mark being like, yeah, fuck you said to me last year he goes

You're working a lot, right? I see you all the time working a lot. Yeah I go, yeah, that's crazy. He goes you deserve it That's so nice. And when mark does that Yeah, you gonna grab one card bubble? I can't. Oh, okay. I can't do it. I tried. You can't? I have no feelings Honey, we all shop online a lot. Bob shops constantly. I can't get him around a computer I can't without him shopping and I would love to have coupons and to get me a cheaper deal on the things that I buy And that's why honey is so important. Yeah, it's a free online shopping tool

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And you have to fend for yourself back back Talk I want to talk about that real quick. Okay, so ed. Oh, so ed from 90-day fiance is was dating. Are you gonna put her up for bait? No, he don't not see each other anymore So she he's single. He's single. So and so this is perfect. I think rosemary. I think rosemary said He only gave me two things. I think he only did the show to get famous I love it. I like even more now. I love him more. So then I looked at A rudy and I went, um For the team for the team

Fuck him for the team You use her for bait again forget to scale him on potigra belly for mayo headed. Yeah, you what why you don't find him attractive Say it in the mic. No, why? He doesn't have a neck He doesn't have a neck. Yeah, he looks like a melting candle God, it's so I mean look. I just there's I come on. You know what? I mean It's so creepy. Everything about that thing is creepy to me that show or him The show is I love the show. It's still creepy, but he's really creepy the fact that he's like

You know, can I give you a kiss kiss? Oh, I know Or also it's like, um, yeah when he was giving her the foot massage Gross any fucking guy that says I give the best you don't Don't brag about your own skills. Nobody does that. Nobody brags about a foot massage, by the way I give the best foot massage when you say that it's like get the fuck away from my feet But then they zoomed in on her leg and she had legs like like hairy hairy legs. That's cultural. She has hairy legs Yeah When you lived in the philippines, did you just grow it wild? Yeah, and when you got here it was like

Yeah Wait, is that is that super normal that no women shaved their legs? What about the armpits? Yeah, we don't but don't you doesn't it bother you to have hairy legs or no, it doesn't matter Get closer to the mic jewels. Not really. No, but armpits kind of bother you though, right? Yeah, hairy armpits Kind of but when I lived in the philippines, it didn't matter. It doesn't matter, huh? Culturally, do any women there shave legs and armpits or no? Some do but it's rare, huh? Yeah, it's rare But I guess they don't feel they don't get like um, well, you don't get but I would imagine you don't get that much

You don't get thick hair, right? Yeah. No, I imagine like your legs don't get like like asian hair tends to be very thin like that Yeah, like you're like your leg hair. You don't have thick leg hair gookie monkeys. There it is It is funny that the women don't shave their legs, but so many of the men there do Isn't that funny the men shave their legs, right? There's men that love to shave in their legs Dude, can you believe this? Look at I saw somebody sent this to me today Harvey Weinstein says he's free of coronavirus symptoms this fat piece of shit Who walks around debilitated with a fucking walker said he beat the virus? That doesn't make you mad

Doesn't that blow your fucking that's how you know that they've got a cure. That's how you know How the fuck does this how the fuck does this fat blob slob piece of this guy? Yeah, but but you know that that's an act, right? Even if that still looks like he should I understand that but the thing is he no this whole feel bad for me thing Yeah, I'm in a walker. It's an yeah, that's an a complete act. He's not as frail And who is this character behind him from guess who who's this guy from? What the fuck is that? Yeah, no, I know this is an act. I know this is an act There's a okay. I know dudes like that. So the the guy that owns mad tv

What do you mean the guy that started that no, he is like he's a big kind of old Hollywood mogul His name is david salzman. Do you know him david salzman? Yeah, it sounds familiar So he's a he he used to produce back in the day dallas. Oh, yeah, judy He also was partners with quincy jones for many many years, right the greatest producer producer in the history of music Right. So david salzman. I he still hangs out with the laugh factory. He's like this old. I love old easy He's older than him. Well, he's only 68. Yeah, I thought yeah, but david salzman has got to be in the 70s, right? Right, but salzi if you fucking touches the legs I always grab his like groin and his like thighs and stuff. You know what I mean?

Yeah, and it's literally like Made out of cement. He's like hard as a rock. It's he's so strong solid, right? So I think that like old Hollywood moguls like salzman. I think height Weinstein's in that way Really? Yeah, they look frail, but they're super like they do shit at night that we're not aware of Right. They they fucking do matzo ball fucking, you know, I mean matzo ball whatever the do we do They lift matzo balls for whatever. I don't know. Welcome to the Jewish gym But I know what you mean. You think you struck. This is an act, but still though, dude The fact that he beat it the fact that he beat it and guys like like this like look at this kid Washington state

This football player 22 years old in great shape and he dies. That's how you know something's going on No, I I think there's a cure. Dude, if you're rich enough, they got it If you're rich enough, they got it. You think though, how do you think magic beat aids before everybody else? He didn't beat it. Yeah, he did it. It's undetected HIV is undetectable in his blood No, it's it's undetectable in his blood. They literally can't detect it and now Now they have two people that they've completely quote unquote cured undetectable, but it took them 20 years It's like these serial killers that find jesus and you know, they find jesus in jail. Yeah, and they go. Yeah, I'm I'm saved

Yeah, no matter. I don't give a fine. I believe that right. Yeah, but deep down inside They're not saved. Yeah, there's something going on. Do you think if you do you think if you got really sick, you'd find jesus I can't do it. No, no I can't I can't I just because of the crusades and just because of just their ideology and their you didn't have any religion grown up anyway Not really. No, but it so I know I know I know, I know, I know, I know, I know the church. Let me ask this though You know how like whites always have white jesus in in catholic churches black people have black jesus sometimes in their church Do asians have asian jesus buddha? No, but i'm saying but there is there ever jesus that's asian doubt

No, like if you walk into a church the number one religion in korea is christianity. I don't know if you know this Yes, I do it is and if you look at their jesus, right? It's not like So funny though. Can you I mean it's a white it's the white one up on the cross like this Behind the pulpit, but they use the white one. Yeah, that's my point in black churches. They will use a black jesus No, they use the white one. Yeah, I think because I think um, it's the safe one Yeah, I don't know. I think asians secretly, you know, they admire whites Not all of them. I think they're they I think they're on the same kind of you know, there's some oppressing going on

Right, right and um capitalism You know, there's the number one thing really in in asia in korea. Yeah in china obviously capitalism Rules rules. Yeah. So what they have they have like a they're okay with white jesus Yeah, it's like I know so many korean chicks that Are married to white dudes But if they were married to a vietnamese dude or any other person mom and dad would lose it They would they would disown them. Wow. My cousin. I kind of want to say this out loud. Say yeah, eddie. Yeah

married a vietnamese Woman, she's really nice. Yeah, I love her. What's her name? Yeah It doesn't matter. He married a vietnamese girl Tran And my uncle and i who I love jogging up on jogging oma jogging oma and jogging oma. They didn't go to the wedding No, yeah, they because she was vietnamese Damn, really?

We may have to cut that part out. Nah, I'll leave it. It's pretty personal, but it's real. It is pretty real Yeah, they didn't go to the wedding. That's kind of harsh. Yeah, so um I remember just growing up getting in fights with my parents about all that stuff inside Like did your parents ever tell you if you marry if you marry? If you if you there it is if you get If you get I'll rip your dick off. Yeah And like you're eating Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't say anything about being gay. Yeah, he would just make these statements If you grow friend is a block

I kill everybody You know what I mean? Yeah, and then you hear stuff like that, but then as you get older you go. What that that's crazy Yeah, what the fuck you're talking about. We're all the same but for them But then they would change so one like when obama ran for president the first time Mm-hmm. We're gonna vote for um Uh, who's the guy that he's running against not mccain. It wasn't mccain. Yeah, John mccain right mccain because we live here in Arizona And I'm like no you're voting for obama

Okay I mean they were like they just would they would just do what I would say because they realize at some point Your parents kind of realize that you might not you might know more than them Yeah, also, they know that I will be like, you know, it's like, you know, you'll be alive when they're gone It's not even that. It's like I really believe this It's I know a lot of white kids, right? They go right here. I know but not you're not this this kind Okay, white kids. Yeah, my parents are huge maga maga maga, you know, I mean and I'm like, oh, but you're not Yeah, man, it's crazy. It's like that point of view is crazy

I go, but how do you you know, it's your job to change them Yeah, but a lot but like your parents. What are they? That's hard. I think they're probably they're they're traditionally conservative people But they're not maga maga people but they voted for him. No Okay, I mean, I don't know You've never asked Really, but I just I mean we make fun of them so much that I just figured we're on the same page Like that like my twitter with my my my my text with my parents and my sister. Yeah, it's us just sending trump clips

Yeah, yeah But they're traditionally conservative people. Yeah, it's all my parents, but it's like, you know, um I I just try to sway there, you know, like my mom I told my mom like because I like because I liked Pete Buttigieg She liked him too. Yeah, I gave veteran I thought that was a good liberal if you're gonna have a liberal candidate. I was like get a gay fucking veteran in there A guy who sucks cock and shoots guns. Yeah, that's the one get him in there I I thought he was I think he was too young people don't like young guys for some reason this country is obsessed with old Pratt, what is our why do we like old guys to be a president? Why can't it just be someone young?

Because I think that it it because you're like he's been around because George Washington wore that white wig Yeah, and he looked like he's a 90 year old angel. That's because he was bald I know my point though is is that it always had they always had like, you know, older dudes through generations Because it feels like we know more than you. Yeah, but they don't no no shit. Yeah, no shit because look at canadian's guy Who's canadian? Oh Trudeau. Yeah, he's a young guy. Yeah, young guy. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah He you can tell he's just power fucks. He power fucks. Yeah. Yeah, like Right Where is Trump looks like he does sloppy fucking

Like you hear this noise You know what I mean? And then I'm done. Yeah, right? He goes. I'm gonna wait to wait. Do you feel this a lot? Yeah And then it's done. I'm done and it's like in her belly button. Yeah, Melania's belly button and she's like This feels good to me and I am liking this. Yeah that poor fucking robot slave. Um Look at this. I want to bring up this article. I wanted you to see this. This is really sad I got a couple of nose piece news pieces. I want to share with you New york, uh, man and girlfriend quarantine in mexico are shot and killed

This is why we're at the fucking bottom of journalism right now By the way, you want to know why we're at the butt bottom of journalism? Okay This minivanny Burke out of nbc news. Look what she did new york man and girlfriend quarantine in mexico shot and killed Okay, this is really sad. He goes down to mexico to quarantine with this woman. He loves right? Please say 20 gunshots fired at the vehicle Nobody's been arrested All right, he met baka physical education teacher in juarez during a trip to texas. He goes down there to quarantine He was a good dude. His friend said this one really fucked me up

Another friend adam howe said landers had been in mexico for about three weeks and the last time the two spoke was a few days before his death Howe said landers told him he was Trying to learn spanish and joked about gaining weight from eating too many churros Why the fuck is that in an article about a guy who got shot 20 times Why the fuck is there a joke? John learned spanish. He was eating too many churros. Anyway, he's fucking dead. Why is that the joke they put in there? It might not be a joke. I would if that's real Why would that be the thing? Okay, that's information. I want to know ready. I'm nbc news. Yeah. Yeah

I'm who am I playing you? Hello. Hi. Is this bobby lee? Yeah. Hey, bob. We uh, we have some terrible news to tell you We a friend of yours a guy who you do a podcast with andres antino was brutally gunned down and murdered What yeah in mexico and juarez. He was killed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes Yeah, can we get a quote from you, please? What what what what can we say about what can you say about him? Uh, what I like about him. He doesn't look good at shorts. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, he's got thick orange Orangey thick orangey, um, jungly eyebrows. Well, he used to because they they they shot his head clean off his body about 150 bullets Yeah, and then he um

His skin's so pinkish. Okay. Thank you, bob. Yeah, that's what I would say that would be the quote his skin so pinkish Yeah, okay. Yeah, and he liked to drink beer I don't like beer. I don't know. I would just make it up. Oh, so that's what this guy did. Yeah Yeah, I would just make it up. I would just make it up. He's like he probably was getting away from eating churros And they're like, no, he's dead. He's like, haha. Yeah, okay. I would say um That's what you really deserved it. That's what you would say. Yeah, let me ask you that. I'll be the reporter. Okay Be real though. Okay. You know what? You're right. You're right. You know what? You're right. You're right. You're right No, I'm gonna be real. You know, I want to do a real one too now. Okay. I'll do okay

I'll call you but then I want to do a real one too. Okay. Let's be as real as we can. Okay. Call me But if you're not real, I'll know. Okay. Okay. All right There's no no number Oh, I'll call it again. Oh, what right to voice mail? Okay, hello. Hello. Who's this? Hey, um, no, we don't want any No, I'm a reporter for the philadelphia inquire. Oh my god. I've okay. What why so anyway? We just got some startling news and um, I just we just want to get a quote from your Or uh, you're a guy that you are associated with. Um, I'm sorry. I'm a what what is he to me?

He's somebody that you do you work with. Oh my god. Who? Um, bobby lee Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, um They just found um Parts of his body just he he's dead. He they chopped him up and they put him in a dumpster Jesus, and then one dumpster was in front of a bit behind a pf chain. The other one was behind a Pan express we have no idea what the connection is but while you're laughing sir. I'm not yeah, and they found his foot in um Um, uh, Alejandro's desk. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. That's terrible. Yeah, so how do you feel?

Do you have any quotes or uh Yeah, I got a couple of quotes. Um I mean just off the top of my head. I guess a Uh, a fork in the road emerged and I took the one less traveled No, I really do I loved bobby very much. Um, it doesn't sound your emotional. No, no, no. I mean it. I mean it I mean it. I did love him very much. He was great. He was a wonderful dude a very very good comic And i'm gonna miss him very much And uh, I think it's sad. I think it's sad that he's gone now and

Can never really tell his truth um, but you know What's that? What's that? What's his truth? Is that what he said? Yeah Because let me say something. He was into bestiality. He had sex with all of his animals. Okay, put that in the paper That's how they reverse sneeze. They begin reverse sneezing when you put your when you put your pit bay in their butt That's how they reverse sneeze I would I would be so sad if you were gone, but that's not real man. Yeah, I'd be so sad if you were gone

Yeah, I don't want I don't literally be just be like I would literally just be like What? What what happened, but you'd be still be playing. Yeah, I'll be playing. Yeah. Yeah, which are three You're trying to upgrade my armor. By the way, somebody told us that witcher was on your phone or stardew was on your phone You said no, it's not. Yeah, it is. Yeah, but it's not the kind of I'll get mad at them version the version on your phone can't be as complex as the actual console one. Okay, okay Tell me about this here. Hold on police show photos Crystal meth in hotel room where Andrew Gilliam was found. Andrew Gilliam is the uh

He's the guy who's running for former democratic candidate for florida governor This guy this this party boy, dude. Check this out. This is my favorite shit crystal meth was found in there Look at this shit. He uh Dyson said he was a porn star performer solicited business as a gay male escort party But look at how many drugs look at how fine this is Here's what was in there Cytolapram, gabelophantin, Xanax, a vile-containing mixture of pepperavine, fentilamine, Alloprosodil, and a combo used to treat erectile dysfunction. Oh my god This dude, Pud, do you know what any of those are except for Xanax? I know what Xanax is. I know what, um

No, I don't know any of it. Fentilamine and a prosodil, alloprosodil. Yeah Oh, oh, this is a combination used to treat but all these they put together to treat limp dick. Yeah That probably um, well the what it's not because he has mental disorder is that meth affects your yeah You're able to fuck like a champ. You could fuck but you can't it's difficult to get hard when you're on meth So these things combine get you hard. It's like when people do like, you know, people drink and they get sleepy Yeah, this is they combined it with cocaine or they put, you know the drink vodka Uh red bull vodka red bull something like that to to even out. I know but that sounds like a lot of cocktail of drugs to like Even out one

Did he die? No, dude, he's alive. Oh, he is this guy's alive. Why is it news? They busted him with because they released all these photos of meth. They were like what happened to this guy who's running for governor He got busted in a hotel room. He said he was at a wedding That's my favorite thing is when they were like, oh, no, I was just at a wedding having some fun I ended up in a hotel room. None of that stuff is mine. Look at all these fucking pills Do my neighbor used to throw pill parties in west hollywood part pill priorities Like he would throw but he would not like this dude. You didn't like it like this

Ask joe. Do you ask joe ds? No, no, what i'm telling you is he would have gay Gay methed out fuck yeah, that's what i'm saying Oh, okay He would no shit All hours of the night He would have guys coming and going and coming and going by the dozens I mean dude would be coming and going and they would be fucking and partying Yeah, till five six seven eight in the morning. I love that and the only reason I know

Is because I would come home late from the store and I'd see them and he kind of had a few moments with me like hey You're cool, right? Like you're not a snitch and I was like Yeah, I'm not a snitch. I just don't want I don't I don't want people coming at five in the morning. You know what I mean? Yeah, like two a.m. Is fine three Look, let me say this is my ps. If you're gonna have if you live in in a gay neighborhood and you want meth fuck parties That's chill, but on weeknights Can you keep it to like three a.m. For him? I know six a.m I can hear you guys fucking and banging the slapping

Well, I was snorting and slapping because I was only straight guy in my complex And you know what my old Italian my old Italian landlord the funniest thing on earth when I go to look at the apartment just she she's uh Nuncia that was her name. She goes you're uh, you're a santino. I said, yeah, I'm santino. She goes. You're not italiano I said no, no, no, I am my father is I just I my mother's iris. She goes. Oh only half And I said yes only half and she goes Okay, well here is the apartment and I go. Oh, this is really nice and I look around and I like it and I go This is pretty great. I would love to take this apartment and she and she go. I'm not gonna. She goes. Are you um

Are you a gay? Yeah Yeah, I was like no, I'm not I'm not gay and she goes really Yeah, that's a good you yeah, but you seem gay to your people probably yeah, and then I said no, I'm not gay and she goes Yeah, everyone here is a gay. It's in middle of west Hollywood. Yeah, I go. Yeah. No, I like the neighborhood. It's close to comedy clubs That's where I work. So I wanted to stay close to comedy clubs and she goes Okay, good. Well, this is good for you. This apartment is good for you. It's so good for me You you seem nice and I was like, uh, I can't believe somebody would give this apartment up not making this up This is a fact. I have proof of this. Yeah, she goes the man who lived here before he died

Yeah, and I go. Oh really? Oh my god. That's terrible. Was he an older man? She goes. No, he was young. He had AIDS She said it like Like a matter of fact no big deal. Yeah. He was young. He had AIDS So the laundry key is over there. I mean, it was no big deal to her and I and so she because you have to disclose To you if somebody dies in the apartment, you know this. Yeah, I know that. Yeah, he died in the apartment of AIDS I had a AIDS ghost. Yeah, I had AIDS ghost Yeah, my um, you know, la Jolla. Yeah, you know the condo Oh, do you ever stand that condo all the time? I mean

Back then back in the day that yeah when we were struggling and there's a there is a etched into one of the cabinets Is bob bobby lee as a homo somebody wrote that in there probably is there really? Yeah, that's etched in there in one of the drawers or whatever Yeah, um not But in the late 90s, I used to emcee there and mitzi paired me up with steven more I don't know who that is. You don't know him. He has HIV and another gay guy named brian bradley. You don't know And brian bradley used to used to do an improv shoot with um robin williams Wow, so they they all come from the zoo in san francisco So anyway, brian bradley and and we're in the condo late at night

And they go you want to hear a story about this condo? And I go, yeah, I like history and like uh in 82 Right, steven. You were there steve goes. Yeah, I was there We had about 150 men here And we did 150 man train

In sync Like through the rooms They were just like it like like like what's that movie where they were you the human centipede very long centipede? Wow, right. Yeah, very Right. Um, what is that? Oh And he goes yeah, and we would just like we would say out loud pump and they would all pump together, right? Pump no and they would all pump together, right?

It was just like a wave of decks going in about so drunk that it was just we just came all over every All over the sheets and the right and I remember the next night. I didn't stay there I would have slept on the fucking beach. Yeah. Yeah, it was like I couldn't touch anything That place well that place used to be the dirty place, huh? Oh, you're there when it was blue with carpet. It's calm It's 20 year old come. Yeah, it was wow Yeah, I mean what fun. Oh my god. If I was gay. Yeah, and I was there Oh my god, I would have been I would have been the middle. No. Yeah, I would build the train See, I think you're you're closer to the back

Well, what does it matter unless they need someone they need someone who's low to the ground who's got good center of gravity Yeah, to push the train forward The caboose is always the strongest And you got a little I know I also I also I don't know if I was gay I don't might not like the anal part of it. Well, what would be the one I want to be the one You want so I'll be the caboose the very end so I have no one in back. I'm saying right you give I'll be the one yelling out to everybody three two one Pump pump, right three two one. We don't all pump together, right? And then hey, Bobby

You want to get in the middle of the caboose? You know what I mean? Ander anders in the front. Yeah. No, I'm in the dead middle I want it both That's you would yeah, you would only give you wouldn't receive the human centipede What uh, what how great? What do you mean? How awesome do we see the human centipede? Oh my god What it is is these Well, just if you haven't seen it you should see it Yeah, by the way, all the criticism that we get from the show that's saying Rudy's too young to hear any of this stuff Tito Bobby is the one that elicits all this information to her and she's also

18 18 years old. So yeah, it is still quite young. It's still quite young. She's right in the cusp of being far too young It doesn't matter like you know the term barely legal. Yeah, she's ready. She's ready. Sure. Yeah, go ahead It's a movie called your family. It's a real real movie And he's these I forget the gist, but it's these two girls. They're out in the europe. Yeah partying. Yeah And um, they get captured by some german Surgeon it's always nazis. Yeah some crazy german surgeon and basically what they do is he does is he surgically puts One of the woman's mouth tied to a japanese man's

asshole Right, so she's like like just surgically his asshole like showed like so. Yeah, and then her friend is in the back of her surgically Right here and they they walk around like a human centipede Isn't that what just the gist of it? That's it. Yeah, you like that. You like that rude. Is that cool? No, no, and then the japanese guys the smartest one, of course. I remember he went. Oh, fuck this I have a human being a little centipede right and he Took some glass and he killed himself. Yeah, he knew better. I would kill myself too Yeah, hey speaking of gay stuff. Can I show you something? Yeah, you know thio, you know thio von

We know thio von, you know thio von. Hey, man, you know thio von. I love thio. Yeah. Hey, man. Yep Theo Theo has a producer gianni. Do you know gianni paolo? I love him. He's done my podcast sexy dude, right? Love him Good actor, so he was joking around with me and he we were supposed to do something for him today But we didn't do it, but he was joking around with me and was like Uh, you know, I'm gay stuff like that and I was like, okay. Yeah, that's gianni's gay I don't well look at he sent me this and you tell me okay. Tell me if this is gay This is a real dildo Santino

I'm gayer It's Out of nowhere It wasn't a competition or anything. He just sent it to me. Why would he do that? I don't know. I think he's on meth Yeah, he's he's real. He maybe got He's always been kind of a lot, you know kind of out of nowhere. He sent this to me Wasn't that weird though? That's very strange to send this like what the dildo looks like but like a banana It's real though. He said he said it's real because the way it bent look at how it bends when it hits his butt. Yeah

Yeah, how about here? Oh, you know what you don't like this song. I'm gayer. You know, what is he doing? He did the work What do you mean? He started going up and down. He bounces. Yeah So he knows what he's doing. I like it when they the girls do that If I do the work, I don't like it when you push up. Yeah. Yeah, he does the work Do you do is that is that a big problem? Do you when I am again? There you are. Yeah, when you push up You don't like pushing up When Kalala's on top of me

What I do is I go I whisper to her Wait a minute You do it You do it and she goes you want me to do it? You do it And she just like She you know her ass she'll go

And I'll just be like I just be like oh Jesus Rudy put close your ears. Here we go Oh, man Here we are Yeah that time I don't give a fuck. It's quarantine and it's like is every are you guys going nuts because of it? Hey, tell me this though. Are you you talked about your dreams at the beginning? I'm interested for real Do you have have you been having like violent dreams? I've had really weird weird dreams, but not negative

They're not violent. They just you know, it's like they just don't make any really sense. Give me Today last night I had a dream where we received vampire eggs. Oh, yeah, I sent those to you No, and then I remember going what are these and then Kalei like going in the dream they're vampire eggs Yeah, I go. Is it the chicken? That's the vampire or human. I don't get it the human beings And then we cut to we live in a stone house. This is not funny because I'm just telling you exactly I want to hear it. Yeah, so we live in a stone house Which is not what our house looks like and I remember being in this gigantic kind of gardening backyard And I'm somehow behind a bush

smoking and squatting Yeah, squat smoking. Yeah, and Kalei was talking to some scientist or biologist About vampire eggs. Oh, wow. And then he starts going into a story about some Puerto Rican girl Who lost her all her money or something and then I remember thinking to myself we have this wooden vacuum cleaner that I found Right, it's like an ancient wooden vacuum cleaner that we found Yeah, and then I remember thinking to myself should we give it to the Puerto Rican girl for her to sell

So that she can make the money. Yeah, so that it all shifted to the wooden vacuum cleaner Well, that is the focus. Yeah, right and then all of a sudden that was it. That was a dream What do you think that means? I don't know but when I woke up, you know, when you have a dream like that you wake up and you go Did that make any sense? Yeah, but that but I like it. Yeah, but it's like just abstract and weird Wooden vacuum cleaner must mean something. It wasn't yet. It was a vacuum cleaner, but it was like in a wooden kind of bamboo thing And you would lift it up. It was solid wood and then but it was ancient. Yeah, like back and then that's what they used Is it what they used? I don't know. Yeah, I don't that was it and then the vampire eggs went away

They disappeared it just wasn't in a part of the dream anymore It was like almost as like part two of a of a movie and then the second one didn't make any sense I had one of those where I kept entering different rooms the other day. You know when you like walk it I walked into a room in my head. It was in my house, but it looked nothing like my house. It looked like a like an old You know like uh Do you remember do you remember the first season of Westworld? Oh, I loved it. Remember the house that that she lives in that you know I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah It it was like that like out in the middle of nowhere

But I remember thinking I had to get in I had to get in one of the rooms to find my dog I was like, that's where my dog is. Yeah. Yeah, and when I walked into the room In the house no dog no room. I'm not I'm not there at all I'm like outside of a storefront and it's raining and there's like a and I'm underneath the awning And I'm looking out suspiciously because I think something's chasing me. Yeah. Yeah But what like I wish I could wake myself up and be like, where's the the dog is still gone I lost the fuck I wanted to see the dog. How'd you get to the fourth storefront? I have no idea

But it was rain it was pouring down rain and I think that it was from and I said this when I woke up I said, you know what the storefront felt like the night I hit a guy with my car Maybe it was my brain re-accessing I hit a guy with my car when it's pouring rain and I let one of those that believe that dreams Tie into reality. Yeah, there's a there's a sort of subconscious thing. What do you mean? That's literally what it is It's your brain firing synapses going back and forth and gathering or it could be my brain There's like a little david lynch in my brain. There is a little and I'm gonna direct a movie

You're a david lynch in your own brain. Yeah, well, whatever, right? Yeah, but I'm saying it takes pieces of reality to create those. Okay. Number one. I've never I don't know what a vampire egg is Yes, you do That's never been a thing a vampire egg is it's absolutely a thing vampires lay eggs How do you think you get more vampires? Rudy, please Rudy Rudy, please Yeah, but you're taking pieces of things from your life. Yeah, but that doesn't make so I don't know anything about

That and do you play any video games with vampires in them? Oh, you know, what's so funny? Mm-hmm In in stardew valley, there is an egg You know, it's it's it's they're called void eggs void eggs and that's what the eggs look like Like vampire eggs. Yes. They were black. They're black eggs with like red like It's kind of glowing. Yeah, so maybe that's where I got that from that's right. They come from somewhere Right, but then the wooden vacuum cleaner. I don't know Well, I think you you wish you were okay. I would say it's because you wish you were cleaner You wish you could clean better. I don't know man. It's a stretch and you're asian so it's bamboo wooden

Yeah, and I think That's gotta be that's gotta be something there. Yeah dreams are a reflection of some part of our reality Rudy, do you have crazy dreams? Yeah, you do. Yeah, she's not gonna explain any of them. It's gonna be one word. It's fine Fine Explain a dream that you had give us a dream. It's mostly um, get closer to the fucking it's mostly violent dream Violent. Yeah, like what? Like me get closer to the mic. Don't back away like me killing Whoa, really? Really? Yeah, take the mic from the things you can hold it that way. It doesn't have to be in that stand

You can take it out. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, rip it. She doesn't know how to do it. Just pull it out Just just get closer to the mic. All right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, don't get close to the mic. Don't go away. You killed somebody. Tell us Yeah, you don't sway your mind. Just keep your mouth right where the mic is She's like swaying her fucking thing because she doesn't want to talk here. Pull up on just pull up It'll come out just pull up on the mic. It'll come right out of that stand. There you go. Yeah There you go. Tell us. Yeah um, I don't know I just

I'm in a place and then I see a lot of people Yeah, and then I just see a knife and then I just start stabbing You just stab random people. Yeah, why why are you doing that? I don't know Do you feel it? Do you feel like remorse or anger as you're doing it? Like are you mad when you're doing you're just doing Wait, but why am I doing this? I don't like I don't want to do it I'm like, um happy. You're happy. You're killing people. All right, put the mic back on the thing Put the mic back on the thing. Oh my god What are you doing? Why do I kill in my dreams? I want to know what's wrong dreams?

Okay, look dreams of murder may signal real-life aggression people who dream about murder may be more aggressive during waking hours Controversial new study finds the researchers are finding people a dream of killing others tend to be hostile introverted and often don't get along with others when they're awake Well, I have to say this she is a little introverted in the house, but are you hostile? Is she hostile? No, she's the kindest girl like I know so we think no no no at nights. I have my five in the morning meal And it's usually a greasy pan. Yeah with like meat stuck to the pan, right? And she wakes up to like this chaos like a mad scientist. Yeah a meat pie, right gross and she every morning I don't ask her. She just cleans it. That's really nice. She does all the dishes. She wipes down counter That's what this is what this is as she's cleaning. She's like I'm going to kill Bobby

One day Tell me tell me another dream so we can try to dissect where it's coming from because you're not an angry person No, what's another dream that you've had? It's not really happy dreams Oh, no, are they always sad? Yeah, and like someone is Chasing me Oh Who's chasing who's chasing you? It's like tall. It's like a slender man

Oh slender man is chasing you Why am I being chased in my dreams? Let's find out what this one says if you're dreaming about being chased It generally means you are avoiding an issue or a person Your subconscious is telling you you need to confront the issue And what the person in order to get on with your life. Look at that as a slender man right there That's you getting chased by slender man slender man One of the most important factors in a dream is where you're being chased or who is chasing you. Where are they chasing you? I don't know. It's just like woods or a road the woods or a road

Woods or a road the woods or the woods or a road the woods And then what and where are you like where are you going to do they ever get you? No, but I'm stuck Like you can't like you can't get up. Yeah. Oh, I hate those. I hate the slow running. Oh god I want to run fast, but you're going so slow Have you ever punched in your dream? Oh, yeah And you can't punch you when it feels like you're punching through Jello. Does that happen to you? No No, so when you stab can you stab at your own rate or is it slow?

Slow, it's slow, but it's not it doesn't feel like it's resistance. It feels like you can actually stab him Oh my god You have like a little demon human in your house You might have to go back to the Philippines. What do you think? How much your flights to the Philippines right now do you think? I don't think you can get there Really? It's not even that If she wants to come back, she's not going to be able to come back But you think we can book her the flight from LAX to the Philippines

Look LAX to the Philippines. Let's see what we've got on the docket to Manila non-stop for $900 She lives in Cebu. Doesn't matter. She can walk There's an island you fuck Oh really? You can't walk to an island? You walk to the end and then you swim to the next island We could put you on Korean Air one stop Yeah $844. Should we buy it right now?

No, no, no, this is a return. We don't want her to come back The problem is Andrew, the problem is because of the present that we have Her coming back to America if she wants to come back to go back to school She's not going to be able to do it I don't like it. I don't like little Filipinos Why is it so hot in here now? Because it's 98 degrees outside today It is, yeah? We can't put the air con on?

We're going to put the air on in a second because I think we can hear it I want to elicit a competition for everybody because Bobby brags about his house and somebody hit me up online and was like, Bobby always brags about his house What does it look like? Show your house? Bobby's obviously never going to show his house That would be foolish When did I brag about my house? Just last episode you were like, I got it big

I'm kidding, I'm going to be honest with you I want everybody to draw a 3D drawing I want someone to draw a 3D drawing Completely honest with you You went to Sebastian's house, right Rudy? Man of Scalco's house How big was that house? Very big, right?

Yeah, it's like $50 million or something So let me ask you something How many times bigger do you think Sebastian's house is? 10 times 10 times This is coming from a murderer by the way No, no, no, no, Whitney Cummings Her house is probably 5 or 6 times bigger than my house

Yeah, it's very big Delia has 7 houses now I know, so that was my point I have one fucking house One nice house I want people to draw the house what they think it looks like So people send in your drawings To what you think it looks like

At badfriendsmail.com Because I really want to see what they think your house looks like What does your house look like? Extremely modest, ranch How many bedrooms? 17 How many bedrooms? 3

You have 4 bathrooms 3 3 Pool? Hot tub? Yeah, same as yours But you're on the Hollywood Hills Alright, look, people send in your drawings I want to see what you guys think the house looks like

And also, if anybody out there knows what dreams mean Can you please let us know what's wrong with Rudy's dreams And we can dissect them next week Because I really want to find out I love you, say goodbye Being a bad friend