Bad Friends - Phil Collins & Mean Tweets ft. Chris Distefano

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

LAST DAY of Competition Merch: https://www.badfriendsmerch.com Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsors: Shopify, BLUECHEW, Manscaped & Factor • Shopify: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/badfriends • Manscaped: Get 20% and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com code: BADFRIENDS • Factor: Get 50% off at https://factormeals.com/badfriends50 with promo code BADFRIENDS50 YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Last Chance to Get The Competition Shirts 0:43 Chris Distefano & A Case of Lululemon 8:26 Uncle Chang and the Korean Ban on Dog Meat 19:21 Corey Feldman's Secret Handshake 27:48 Bobby Embarrasses Himself In Front of Maria Menounos 36:27 Chris Distefano's Dad Shares Candy with Phil Collins 45:32 Bobby Throws Water at Carlos at The Comedy Store 54:57 Celebrating Little Christmas on January 6th 1:00:03 Bobby is Through with Love More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This episode contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm Rob Gronkowski and last year I missed a fan duel kick of Destiny during the Super Bowl I spent the last year reflecting Meditating hanging out in Himalayan salt caves anything to get the image of that hook kick out of my head So when Fan Duel called and asked if I give it another go I jumped at the chance to lace them up for a shot at redemption. What's this? He's going to try again. And this year, I won't miss. The kick of Destiny 2 is here.

And this time, you get to pick if Gronk will make it or miss. Make your free pick now in the FanDuel Sportsbook app and watch the FanDuel Kick of Destiny live on Super Bowl Sunday. Make every moment more with FanDuel, North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 866-531-2600

to speak to an advisor free of charge or go to connexontario.ca. Please play responsible. Hey guys, bad friends. Listen, this is the last day. Tomorrow is the last day. I is the tomorrow is the last day I mean tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts the last day to get these competition and Hopefully I'll be winning the competition because I'm right now better. Well, I'm ahead right now So better shirt go to badfriendsmerch.com to get these bad friends merch.com also We only have a chunk of dates left to Mekula Reno Sacramento Long Beach Windsor Niagara Falls Tucson And we end in Vegas on 420 man

We're back baby. You ready? Sing us a song. Idi Amin is my friend. No he's not. I'm sure he will be at the end. Yes he will. That's it. That really brought me out to the...

Happy New Year to you. No, no, no. What? New Year is over. Give me the love. No. Give me the truckin'. Give me the fudge.

I don't know, man. Chris DiStefano is down in town, and we love him. His thicky, thicky legs and a lot of gums in his mouth. Keep going. I'm just trying to do some things that AI won't be able to hop. No, AI's going to copy all of us. They can't do that. Yeah, they will.

Yes. They can't do that. Your AI was going to be hilarious. Yes, it's going to be like... My name is... You've shot. You've shot. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today is one of our oldest and dearest friends who we love so much.

It's Chris DeSavarro. And Chris's chaos is looking real svelte. My mother used to say svelte when she meant like a thick boy status. You like that? A thick boy. You know what it is? It's the corduroy shirt.

I think corduroy shirts, I don't know what it is. I just feel like I'm like a blanket. What are we? You know what you're doing? You're doing the Mark Marin route. Yeah. What does that mean? That.

That look. The whole look is the Mark Marin, except for the shoes. And the pants. Marin would never wear tapered off pants. Oh, that's true. Lululemins. I don't think Mark Marin wear Lululemins. Yeah, yeah.

No, no. Lululishmelins. Lululemins. Although he is sour, so he might wear Lululemins. Is that Lululemins? Lululemins. Do you have a men's department? Yes.

OK, Bern. You ready for this? What? Do they? I've been in there. I've never seen this. Of course they have a men's department. You've you have a men's department? Yes. Okay, Bern. You ready for this? What? I've been in there, I've never seen this. Of course they have a men's department. You've been in the men's department?

Also it's gender fluid, dude. It is. Lululemon is gender fluid. Do you know about the creator? Do you know why he named it Lululemon? Hold on. Can we make a guess? Yes.

Okay, so Lululemon. It's got to be somebody's name. Lemon. A fruit. No. You ready? You're good. This is this is Damn, dude, you're good. No, I was putting the two together With you know Sherlock Holmes is on the crime scene you got he's got to put evidence and you're my what's this guy guys name? I'm Sherlock. You're the your Sherlock. Why can't I be Sherlock? You're a hundred

You're not sure More already more already your more more e already rarity. You're more rarity. You're Watson. I'm home. Well, now we've got a case of Lulu lemon on our hands. What do you think Watson? Well, I think. Well, I think why?

What is Lulu lemon? Why are you Asian again? You gotta be British. Oh, sorry! Hello, hello, hello. I don't know. I don't know. Sherlock. Sherlock. Dude, even your British is a... Hello, hello.

Shut up! Let me finish. Why is it called Lululemon? It's called Lululemon and again you can google this because the founder of Lululemon was like a known racist And he named it that so Chinese people couldn't pronounce it. Shut the fuck up. I swear to god dude Google it Okay, Lululemon founder makes names it so Chinese can't yeah funny to watch Japanese people try to say it Oh this guy's the best Say it say it say it Say it. What? Say the little lemon.

Ruru lemon. Ruru ruru ruru. Ruru ruru lemon. Ruru ruru lemon. The reason the Japanese liked my former skateboard brand Homeless is because it had an Elinan in Japanese marketing firm wouldn't come up with a brand name with an Elinan So it's not the vocabulary. It's a tough pronunciation for them. So I thought next time I have a company, I'll make a name with three L's and see if I can get three times the money. It's kind of exotic for them. This is a direct quote.

Wow. I was playing with L's and came up with Lululemon. It's funny to watch them try to say it. Wilson was quoted as saying, this guy, what's this guy's net worth? This guy made so much money being a bigot. This just shows you kids, you can be racist and still be rich. Yes. The whole idea of like racism is bad is not a real idea. Look at Lulu Lemon. Made up by the media. Chip Wilson is his name. Great name.

68 years old, $6.8 billion. Billion dollars. Say billion. Billion. See, they can't do that either. Let's say we're, you know, creating a company and we want a top little lemon. How would we name it? Little lady London. Little little lady London, yeah. Mary, it gotta be, or H, H and L's. Yeah, yeah. Cause it goes to Hari.

Yeah. Harry, no. Harry, Mary's. How about, you're part of the group. Yeah, yeah, Harry, Mary, no. Harry, Mary's... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha loves ladies. Oh, the Little Lizard loves ladies. That's it. Little Lizard loves ladies. That's the company. That's it. So the store opens, right? You're a Japanese person. No, you are. No, you're the Japanese person. I'm Chip Wilson. You know what? I'm the bigot that owns the store. And I'll be a customer. Yeah, I could. All right. So I'm the Japanese Wilson. Yeah, I'm the I'm the bigot that owns this and I'll be a customer. Yeah, I could all right So what I'm the Japanese guy. Yeah, you're my partner. We opened it together. Oh, I see. Yeah, okay, so

How you feeling about a store opening today really good really good? Did you fix the sign out front? Letters were out. What did it say when you were out there? What do you mean? The business name was all out there. Well, first of all, because you told me to get all the leather in here in Japan. Yeah. We don't have the ears and the arms.

No, else not. So I had to go get it from America. Wow. So you fuck you. Sorry about that. Right, so I had to get a ship down here imported here. Uh-huh. Right, so it came last night at three in the morning.

You put it up though. What? You put up the sign? Yeah, what was the name of the store? I forgot, what was the name of our store again? Oh, there's a customer here. Hi. Oh, hello.

We're not open, we open five minutes. Hi. Excuse me, hello. We open five minutes. Okay, no, welcome them into our store and say the name, say welcome to. I forgot the name. Little, little.

Hold on, hold on, shut the fuck up. I forgot the name of our store. Well, you better go on. Shut the fuck up. I forgot the name of my daughter. Well, you better go outside and look. Oh, good luck. I look, I look. Oh, hey, how you doing? What's your name? Hi.

Welcome to... What is it? Little. Little, what? Little, what? Lizard. Little, little, little lizard. Little lizard.

Little lizard, ladies. Lucky. Welcome to Little Liz's Lucky Lucky Lucky. Hi. Hi. Hi. Thank you. Welcome.

I just saw this store. This is Little Liz's Lucky Lucky. Yes. I, it looks amazing in here. I mean, I don't even know what we're selling, but welcome to, welcome to Little Liz's Lucky Lucky Lucky. You know, it's, I'm a woman from America. Yeah, we can tell.

Yeah, we know. I'm a lady from America and I'm from Japan. So it looked like they had some shit to fit me. Come on in, just not to get in. No, there's so much product. I know. Look at all the stuff we have. Oh, that's true.

I don't think you'd fit into our stuff. Oh. Yeah. I thought I could. No, I don't think so I think you're a little too beefy for us you're too beefy for us yeah yeah fuck I don't know how to know yeah reject

we say it's over here you fuck you're a sword yeah anyway that's okay we're gonna open up a shop yes oh by the way now that we're on Asians let's talk all things Asian now yeah I'm sorry by the way Bobby for you brought it up again I want to say that I am I want to start off also to before apologize for Last time I was in here two years ago. I apologize for immediately coming on to the show

And pushing my eyes back and yelling Donald Trump But he's running again. So yeah Yeah, so. If it happens again. Did you get in trouble for it? No. No. No. You get some heat online, be honest. No, sometimes.

But I just want to say. Because when you did that, you know what they say about me now? What? That Bobby hates his own. Yes. Because I watched that happen and I don't think they shit. Right.

So online now, I can say Bobby hates his himself. You know how? And where he comes from and his ethnicity. So fuck you, dude. No, because no one happens. Fuck you, don't talk, don't talk. Because people have messaged me and said, you know, just because he laughs at that doesn't mean you can say that about all Asian people and they're right.

And they're right. So I want to. No, but I want to say to them, I want to say to the Asian, to the people who are married. I am better, sorry. You know how they say in the black community they say uncle Tom yeah your uncle Chang your uncle Chang right now I think it's right in society But in the chambers and also comedy system of comedy Should be sad give me a break so in the Asian world

I want to congratulate Stephen Yon and Ali Wong and the entire cast and crew of beef for way and Andrews on the show So give them a round of applause Andrew just won a fucking golden. I did first of all I didn't win a golden globe. Did you go but you're part of it? No, he's a part of it. I have nothing to do with it right you're in the show. I'm on a couple episodes I'm a guest star. Yeah, so give them a round of applause No, no, no, I didn't win anything they did and also more importantly than that I just wanted to get that out of the way because this one's I just wanted to you know You start with something nice and you go back

I do want to congratulate Korea as a whole yes We are fine. They finally announced that they are banning the consumption of dog meat in Korea. I can't wait. Woo! But not right away. There's like two or three more years. Yeah, it's not going to be until 2055, but it is going to happen.

No, I'm dead serious. It is going to be a long time. What do they say? They're banning it? I don't agree with it. I think they should, if it's culture and it's customary to do that, then they should do that and not take the dog meat away from the people who love the dog meat because there's pressure

from the Western world to do that. I think if you and your people want to eat dog meat away from the people who love the dog meat because there's pressure from the Western world to do that. I think if you and your people want to eat dog meat, if you are dog meat eating people, then you should continue to eat your dog meat with your chopstick and sit on the floor. Well, they have till 2027 to stock up. By the way, everyone's gonna have fritters, freezers filled with dog meat.

Hey, I know, I'm gonna get you a pet go membership so you can have me for your family Dude all the shelters are like these all these dogs are adopted it's crazy Look at this it says it's gonna go into effect in 2027 and also that's after a three and then a three-year transition period So 2030 they'll have to stop. What do you think so by 2030 they'll go alright guys? We got to start slowing this down. Do you have a dog? Huh? No. Exactly. I don't.

It sounds like it. I don't want animals. I don't, I have no problem with animals. But you live with three animals. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. We have three kittens. And I live, I have, I have, no, I don't want,

I have, I have kids, I have three children. Yeah. That's enough. But I don't want, I don't want any animals. And I don't hate animals. I just don't want to have to clean up there. But have you ever bonded with a dog or a cat? No.

Like, have you ever had a relationship with one? Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never.

Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. two minutes ago. Well, I'll tell you what, the reason why is because when I was a little kid, my mom came home with a Dalmatian. And then that Dalmatian, I let it go into the basement and then it ate all the clerks and I found it's dead body. And that disconnected me from having pets.

And you know what I named that Dalmatian? Cruella. And then you know what my father said to my mother? You know what I overheard my father saying to my mother? After I named the baby Cruella? After I named the baby Cruella? After I named the dog Cruella? He said to my mom, he said, Lynn, I think our kid's gay.

Because I named it, my favorite movie was 101 Dalmatians. That was your favorite movie? 101 Dalmatians with Glenn Close when she played Cruella and that's when I named my dog after, and then the dog ate bleach and died in my basement. And that's why I don't want dogs. But I would have, because I care about culture

more than anything and I wanna make sure the people who have attacked me online know that I care about culture more than anything and if that dog would, if I would, that happened to me today and I found that dog dead in the basement of my house, I would give it to Bobby as an offer for meal for your family. And I would let you have a feast over my animal

for you and your brothers and sisters. Well, thank you. What was your favorite movie as a kid that would be misconstrued like that as kind of like gay? Or like, what did you love as a kid that you were like embarrassed about? You didn't want any of your friends to find out about it. As a kid?

Yeah, like I'll get my example. What he's saying about 101, like I loved Phantom of the Opera as a as a kid and I don't even like I fucking hate musicals, right? I had an Andrew Lloyd Weber poster in my fucking room. I swear to God, dude I fucking thought Phantom was like love the coolest shit and it was so gay. Yeah, like everyone I knew was like Andrew Lloyd. Were you like composers? I was like nine. Yeah, I like that movie little women Annie did dude that was yours Annie Keep going though. Will you sing more? I don't know the rest of that song. We'll just make it Me look at separate the beginning. You know that song. Yeah, she's on the windowsill. Yeah with a little red hair Yeah, I think that's why that's why you and I are in love. You're my Annie. Yeah, I

Honestly, I I'm trying to you know, you know how you know how when people look at red has they get repulsed or they okay No, I'm just being some people get repulsed and they want to vomit and stuff people Which is some people are like that when I saw you for the first time nothing I was all normal human being I feel normal like I feel like you connected with me because of any yes some people look at you You know I mean whatever you know my my no people with red hair right right? Am I not right? Oh, no when I first when you see the freckles in the vagina is there like what does it freckles on the vagina some red Anyway when I saw you I was like Jackie Chan got fat as fuck but I was excited that you got in a comedy yes yeah Jackie Chan that's fun well that's my childhood if you know exactly yeah but Jackie Chan that's what you came up

with right now look up fat Jackie Chan and see if it's not you online yeah watch look at fat Jackie Chan Pat marita maybe no fat Jackie Chan fat Jackie Chan oh there it is. Fourth, no, first image on the second row. Second row, first image. Boom, Bobby Lee. Wow. Boom, Bobby Lee.

And that's him playing Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-un. Anyway. If they don't cast you, I love Annie. If they don't cast you, is that... All right. Seriously. So Annie was your thing as a kid?

I loved Annie, yeah. Did you not tell anybody? No, nobody. You were embarrassed about it? I like that with music too. Like, you know, I don't tell people like Sarah McLaughlin whoa she's so good oh she is I love her but she's great I didn't know I thought no I still good no yeah and yeah and he's great great it's great right no I mean a more embarrassing band if

you're gonna give me a band that's embarrassing give me somebody that's like you you're at it's like I used to get Charles Manson's music You mean Marilyn Manson? No Charles Manson Who's to keep all right? Oh, they're so good. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What's your embarrassing band? Since when I was a kid or like currently oh I know you have way more now than then yeah some reason um back then um I used to I used to love Well like I remember that song, I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. It's fantastic, made of plastic.

I would put on that song when I was winding down in the gym to get me pumped up and I would imagine myself singing that song to all my classmates. I don't know why, but I love that. That's, I always imagine myself singing songs. And I remember being at Force Fitness and Ridgewood Queens on the treadmill hitting it at 9.0 with incline going

And but meaning it dead seriously with a CD, you know cassette, you know the CD Walkman and I And I listened to a lot of in sync. Yeah, I loved in sync I loved Backstreet Boys. I would listen to all that. And right now, my favorite band is the 1975. I go to all their concerts. You're friends with these guys? Well, yes, I've slowly, but surely, slowly become friends.

With one of the best days I had in my life was about three weeks ago when I was texting the lead singer, Mattie Healy. And I said something to him, and I made him laugh. And I screenshot it and saved it, and asked Jasmine to print it out. And she called me an FA double G-O-T. Yeah, yeah.

A fajo? A fajo. A fajo. Let me ask you something. Are there people? Okay. As you get, you know, as we get a name, right? Sometimes people that we didn't like before now like us

because they were famous or whatever. Like who? And then we start liking, I don't want a name name. Name name. Is there anyone like that where you're like, before you had, you were Crist Stefano, you're like, before you were Chris Di Stefano, you're like, ah, fuck that guy. But now that they're reaching out to you,

let's hang out, then you like them now. No, I think what's happened though, is people that I used to tweet at, like just talking shit, having fun in 2012, 2013, where I was just letting stuff rip, That's how I used to be. They've now, you know, some of those people I've seen it, like Joey Fatone from NSYNC.

Ah. You're fun. And now a couple of fun guys. We never really spoke, but I know that, you know, but I'm, you know, in 2013, 2014, out of no, for no reason, I would just tweet, you know, you know, just crazy stuff about Joey Fatone for no reason. I would, you know, for- Like what? Likeone for no reason. I would, you know, for-

Like what? Like- There was no- I don't even actually remember what I would- I would like, just random days, I'd be like, hey, what's up? Good morning on this beautiful Wednesday. I just want to say, I fucking hope Joey Fatone falls off a cliff. You know, like, oh, for no reason. For literally 0-0-0 reason.

Does he remember that shit or no? No, no, no, but, you. But now I know people are closer. I've been around him a couple times. He's such a great guy that I regret doing it. But I was literally tweeting stuff back then. I've tweeted. I was talking to Don DePeta about this, who I always travel with, who just got a haircut.

I think it looks very nice. He shaved his beard, too. He shaved his beard. He looks good. He looks like a good boy. And I told him that there's so many things when people weren't listening, people weren't listening at all in 2011,

I would just tweet and think it was funny to the hundred people in different times. And then sometimes they'll pop up or a guy around my social media would say, hey, do you want me to permanently delete this tweet? And I always say no, I'm just like whatever, but I would just say not shit back then that could cause a lot of time today.

I want to know who you're talking about. Well, I can blanket. No, here's what I say. Oh, so what I'm saying is that there's one guy that I was that he was a fan of. Maybe I would make fun of or whatever. But what I actually summon person I acted like. Like a fucking bitch. Who? Who? Corey Feldman. Wow.

So I was like at a premiere and I was sitting next to Kalilah and Ike Barronholtz was sitting here and I looked to my left and I go, oh my God, it's Corey Feldman. And you got so tight, you got all. I got so shy. You got hyped up about it. Did he even acknowledge you?

And I looked over and I walked up to him and I go, hey, and his bodyguard, he goes, hey, I'm a big fan. And then Corey put his sunglasses down and he goes, hello. And you know how they just shake like this? He goes hey, I'm a big fan and then Corey put the sunglasses down he goes. Hello And you know how they should shake like this and then you have to reach out. Mm-hmm, right? It's not this I don't like that. No, I love it. This is so fucked up not this is like many hit this They leave a gap. So you put your fingers in there and you slide it. Oh, you pack man. Did yeah, yeah

You pack man it's like a toaster and you put your fucking hand. How long do you leave it in for? Two or three? Two minutes. Yeah. Yeah, I want it like medium burnt. Are you still friends with him? Yeah. What?

Are you still friends with him? Never got his number, nothing. But he goes, hello, like this. Put this song, wait, he went like this, he went like this. And the guy, so the bodyguard goes, big fan. And he goes, doesn't even look at me. He goes, hello. Then I figure it out for two minutes, right?

Ding! Right? And then I walk out. I want Corey Feldman on the show. Get on the show, Corey, if you want to fucking come on the show. The only thing I have, I grew up in New York, a big Yankees fan, New York Yankees fan, and Bernie Williams, the centerfielder for the Yankees, was always my favorite baseball player.

And then out of nowhere one day, I got a message from Bernie Williams Instagram. You know, it wasn't him, his guy runs it. He was like, hey, Bernie Williams knows your comedy. His daughter is a fan. He wants to know if you want to perform at his 50th birthday party. All the Yankees will be there, Joe Torrey,

and A-Rod, and Jeter, and Poseidon, all these guys. And for me, I was like, oh my God, I was like, I have to do this. Like, this is like a dream come true. And I went out there for Bernie Williams' 50th birthday. In front of, in a room this size, it was a private obviously party with the classic, you know, Forch World Series title winning New York Yankees.

And I absolutely bombed for 15 minutes in front of them all to the point where Bernie Williams was like on his own while I was bombing, started clapping me off. He was like, happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Wow. Yeah. And what are you feeling when that's happening?

It literally, I swear to God, I was locking eyes with Joe Tori, who was like the legendary, you know, manager of the team. And he did not crack a smile, nothing. He was just looking at me. I almost felt like he was saying, like, just, dude, please, please, sir, just stop. Stop. Stop. The only person who was laughing was Bernie Williams, manager who booked me, who thought it was absolutely hilarious.

And I was just eating my dead. Why didn't you bomb? Must be the funniest thing imaginable. Well, you laugh a lot, I'm sure. You're like kind of laugh your way out. Because you're not going to care. I don't think, I think in your mind, you're smiling. You have a smirk. Right. And you know you're bombing. Yes. You know, you're self aware. I'm self aware. Yeah. Yes. I'm self aware. I felt the sweat running down my back onto the top of my ass crack.

Yeah. Even though it was the middle of the winter. Yeah. I saw A-Rod, I mean, not caring. I did the best I absolutely could. I cursed way too much. There were kids in the audience. It was absolutely the wrong choice. And I ate it really, really hard

in front of my absolute hero. Not even that much money, it was an opportunity. It was just an opportunity. And then I did the same thing about four years later for the owner of the New York Mets. I bombed even harder for the... You learned, you learned. I swear to God. I bombed even harder for the New York Mets staff.

And Tommy Metola, Tommy Metola was there. Yeah. Great guy. Famous music producer. Famous music producer. And I said, I was bombing again hard. And I said to him, I said, Tommy, I said, Tommy Metola, I said, Tommy, you know, your ex-wife, Mariah Carey, I said I had a picture of her in my locker.

And again, you know, just, I didn't even know where that was gonna go. Why? I don't know, I have no idea why. And he goes, and he said, you know, something happened, I said something after that, and then Tommy Metola in the middle of it. He goes, yeah, he goes, why don't you, why don't you talk about my ex-wife again? He goes, that was a good one.

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So now I got in with the Mets through bombing, you know at his event, you know at at the owner So there you go any game? Sometimes bombing pays off. Wow. Now with the Yankees the Yankees have now the Yankees have said I'm not like Yeah, but that makes sense. You can't bomb with the camp on camp on with the wow and and because I'm friends with the Mets Can't do anything really with the Yankees anymore. Wow kind of lost my Yankees You're a diehard Yankees fan. I Am but you know, it's a weird predicament. It's a weird thing. I don't like it because I'm city first They the whole thing of having two sports teams in the city just sucks. I hate that like Chicago

It's you there's only one team to choose. That's the cubs right? It's the cubs the cubs you just choose them Yeah, you love those bomb nobody's gonna root for the white socks with the Yankees and Mets They both have great fans. Yeah, that's you know, that's different. You don't get killed if you go to Shea Stadium now No, it's just a city field now. Yeah, yeah, it's- No, no, Shea Stadium. Okay, Shea Stadium. But- Shouldn't we reserve the name for what it is?

Like, I still call it Staple Center. I don't call it Crypto when I go downtown. No. It's called the Staple Center. No. I'm not gonna give it up. I'm gonna stick it out. You should.

It's not Crypto. Crypto, I'm going to the Crypto Arena. If the Chaser- If I- They call it the Crypto.com Arena. If I transition and my name is fucking Barbara Call me Barbara your name is Bobby. No Barbara. I met you as Bobby. I don't get Bobby and if I try to sit on Barbara I don't give a shit if you cut off your dick in front of me. Your name is Bobby. My pussy will be real tight

It's just bo bb. I that's all it is. Oh good point. Yeah. Oh, yeah Change it no, you'll be bi Can you that no Bobby all tough like keep the E please. All right Bobby. I eat Fuck it. Um, have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of a celebrity? I Don't know if I was I have one. Okay, you go. I was at Maria Munoz's Christmas party. What yummy? You know who that is she's beautiful news Maria Munoz. What the fuck you thought about 15 years ago like she's not she doesn't know who I am Yeah, but that year she did she still doesn't know who you Maria Munoz think she hosted the Golden Globes

Did you see John Choi on the Golden Globes? He's so cute Audience didn't get him they didn't Jamie K. They were kicking her old school Oh kicking she's in yeah, right. She's like the love interest So I'm at her party and I'm like by myself sitting at a couch in some backyard I'm sitting next to a guy. I swear to fuck that I thought he was like a software engineer. You know what he's wearing glasses, you know what I mean? White dude. White nerd.

Yeah, like he's editor. He looks like an editor. Okay. Right? So he's like, hey, you do comedy. I go, yeah, yeah, killing it. I like to kind of look at him like that because I don't like no one else will talk to me.

Steven Spielberg. No, but he goes, what's it like? I go, yeah, I'm just playing these rooms, 150, 200, selling them out. So you're boasting. I'm boasting. Yeah, you think it's a shit. Like an idiot in this movie, you know,

we'll see what happens, you know, that. And I talk about myself for like 30 minutes. Nice. For 30 minutes, I talk about myself, right? And when I was leaving, I got off, I got to see you later, dude, and I walk up, and then I forgot it was Jamie or somebody came up to me goes Dude, what's Josh Groban like? Oh?

There's Josh Groban. Yeah, and I go You just talk to Josh Groban for like 30 minutes. You had no idea. No, I never yeah, I had heard is the name Yeah, I just couldn't put a face to the name and then Shame no. Yeah. Oh seriously the still likes you. No, I still want to turn around. Go dude, I'm a loser. No, no, no, no. What you're what you're having is you're having that spotlight kind of thing where you think they're thinking about you and upset it, but he didn't he didn't know he had. But I know, but if he's settling out, probably theaters or whatever he's selling out, right?

I'm saying I'm selling out the Sacramento punchline. Right. It doesn't fucking look good. Yeah But he's not a comic so exactly it's different if he was a comedian it'd be weirder, but he's a musician. It's two different world You're a big star. I guarantee you I listening. I've got nothing Bobby. I guarantee you nothing Literally, I guarantee you do fuck you dude. I guarantee you and thank you I literally guarantee you, do fuck you, dude. I guarantee you. Josh Groban, thank you so much. Josh Groban went home. I guarantee you, Josh Groban went home, told his wife or partner he said,

we gotta go see Margaret Cho. She just told me how well she's doing. And then he went and saw Margaret Cho and she couldn't understand why he was at the show because she thought he was with you. So it's fine. Yeah, all right. He's with you. Very good. So it's fine. Very good. I had very good.

Did I tell you Australian story about Russell Crowe? No, you never you told me. No, that's the best story. You got to say that story. Say the story because you know what? I'm going to take a bar from Marcus really, send the Stoics. You never step in the same river twice.

That's right. And also, I also kind of say that. And I think I'm doing a movie with them with Russell Russell Crowe in two months so she'd be like locked in so it's like are you glad you know I want what are you glad eater too are you you got a present yeah let's see what the gift that you fuck yourself no no no Bobby hold on let me see if I brought us something back from there is Little Bobby. Oh, no, I know what it is a little butt crack. I know what it is

It's a it's probably something that's gonna make me take a nap. Oh weed. No, I know what it is This is from fancy brought us back from Spain because he got back from Spain Spain. Oh, look at this Is this an astray what is stupid mask is it a it's a personal mask is that for the next pandemic what is that no get out of these are actually honestly these are cool yeah these are very and what is this going to be broken on the floor his fingers are all bloody yeah does this go on my wall these are great now is this for good luck yes the price tags in here no 699 fucking cheap gee these are beautiful oh that one looks more like

you yes cuz those the eyes are closer what is this one this is not luck yeah it's death is here is it death so death. So fancy explain. What are these called? What is this called? It's called Sargadelos, which is a ceramic company Sargadelo in Galicia What does Sargadelo mean and there's no it doesn't mean anything It's just the name of the of the guy who okay who created it and it's all based on like the mythology of the Celtic Region where Galicia is from Wow So did you understand anything? No, but these are one of those things to 200 years from now of the Celtic region where Galicia is from. Wow. So all of it is not.

Did you understand anything he just said? No, but like, these are one of those things 200 years from now, like at the antique roach show. It's gonna be worth like 500 grand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easily. It could be, because it has one of those marks. So I could see it at an antique store and somebody was buying it for a dollar

and then going to antique. Some guys like, this is a salgadano. I don't even know where you got this from. Yes. But the fact that you have a salgadelo. Yeah, yeah. You know, in good condition, these things would auction for anywhere between 250 to $400,000. This, my friend, is an impeccable condition. A sargardello like I've never seen. He still has the box. Oh my god, in the box in the papers. Rarely do we ever see the box. We never see the box. We would have sacerdello. But oh wow.

I would value this at anywhere between $700,000 and $4.8 billion given an auction. This is very nice, Fancy. Thank you so very much. Are you going to put that up in the house, the sacerdello? This is going to go in my garage. There you go. My fucking house.

What are you out of your mind? No way. I value my home. There you go. No, we should bring this to an antique store, see how long it would take for them to sell it. You know, what's gonna really happen? We're gonna leave it in the studio and never see it. Oh, that's right. That's right. I thought I'd leave it here Can I have it? No, bring back a gift for my kids

So stupid so here I was down in Australia shooting shooting that that movie and we were out I'm gonna say it. Well, really scenic. It says come on. Yeah, but we're out. I'm gonna say it. Well, really, Sineke, it says come on. Yeah, we were out. I was at, this is too many names, but we were at Zac Efron's house when we were drinking and hanging out. And then Pete Fairley, the director, calls and goes, hey, do you wanna go to Russell Crowe's house? And immediately I was like, yeah,

what the fuck, of course I wanna go to that. But there's a little bit of social anxiety come up, even a tad bit of like, shit, don't blow in front of Russell Crowe, even though I know you've been around everybody? No, because we were with so many people. I knew it wasn't a small get-together. There were already people at his house,

so it made me feel comfortable in that. If it was just us, I'd be a little fucked up about it. Right. I'd be like, I don't want to go to Gladiator's house. Right. So he's like, yeah, dude, he's got a great crib. He's going to have us over. So we're drinking, and I'm getting a little stony.

And we show up to the gladiator's house and it's exactly the way you think it would be it's fucking beautiful I mean beautiful on the water and everything yeah like we don't I don't deserve to be there right you know I took my shoes off and then one of the guys was like please you I thought we were I took my shoes off because I thought don't you take your shoes off I mean you people don't you take your shoes off yeah I yeah I would when I go to people's houses I take my shoes off well I always because my family's Puerto Rican you take your shoes off? Yeah, I yeah, I would put I go to people's houses. I take my shoes. Well, I always because my family's Puerto Rican I take my shoes off, but I always have a backup here of chanclet us

He's a legendary actor right a list a list legendary I was walking to like Robert De Nero's house. I'd be very aware about not touching things I wouldn't go. Hey, I wouldn't probably go I'd blow it I'm my point is that there are some people like that and then there are some people are like, ah, fuck it. I'm gonna throw the glass down. Yeah. So who would be like Steve Buscemi?

Would you be nervous going to his house? No, he lives in a house. I know, right? They would live in a condo or something, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Buscemi lives in some kind of weird shed. I would go to that one for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's staring his teeth on. Gold bloom, I'd want to see gold bloom. Oh, yeah, yeah. But Shemi lives in some kind of weird shed. I would go to that one for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's staring his teeth on. Gold bloom, I'd want to see gold bloom. Oh yeah, yeah, that'd be fun. I'd want to see where he lives. I want to see where Tom Cruise lives. Mm. I'd want to see where he lives.

Really? You win it? Would you go to his party? I would go to Tom Cruise's party. I would 100% go to Tom Cruise's party. Hey, what's up, man? You gotta take off all your clothes before you come in. Sure.

Leave your shoes on, but take your clothes off. They say he knows everybody's name. He remembers everybody's name, Tom Cruise. That is supposedly what... Cheers. That's my house on Staten Island. Dude, I would go to one Tom Cruise party, but you wouldn't make it out. Right. You'd have to stay. Right. That's what I've heard. Once you go in, you don't come out.

Yeah. Well... You know, get out. He does get in. Get in. Get don't come out. Yeah. Well, you know, get out. He does get in. Get in. Get in. Get in. I am the, did I ever tell you my Phil Collins story when I met Phil Collins?

No. No. All right. I told the story. I thought I told it here. Maybe I didn't. It's one of my specials. But so I get to go, I get invited to the Knicks game,

right? This is like 2016. So it was Easter Sunday and the Nixon Philadelphia 76ers were the bottom of the league. They were the last place NBA teams. So nobody wanted to go on Easter Sunday and sit courtside at the next game. Like I was very I had never gotten a call. I knew some people at MSG but I never got in the call to sit courtside.

So they call me the morning of they're like, listen, we got two empty seats. You can sit court side. Okay, bring somebody. Don't talk to anybody. Okay, this is, you know, Madison Square Garden. Don't talk to anybody. They said there probably will be a cup. They said we know there are a couple of other big celebrities are going to be sitting around

you guys. Don't acknowledge them. Don't talk to them like, you know, we're giving you this opportunity, you know, for whatever. But it was because it was Easter Sunday and it was the last place teams and people didn't want to go. So I call my dad. So my father's like 100%. I'm in, you know, we used to sit in the upper, you know, rafters, whatever.

So we go and we sit down and my dad immediately start, I was sitting here. My dad was in the middle and then there was famous guys sitting next sit down and my dad immediately start. I was sitting here. My dad was in the middle and then there was famous guy sitting next to him and my dad immediately starts talking to this guy, just immediately starts talking to him, chatting him up, talking about crazy shit, you know? And I swear to God, I didn't even look over to see who it was because I was like wildly embarrassed, but I'm not gonna tell my dad not to say anything.

So I hear my dad telling this guy that his son's a comedian. I hear it. And then, and then so, and my dad, he's talking, and my dad goes, Chris, where, where, where are you again next week? And I'm like, this guy's gonna come show. I swear to Christ, I was performing at Banana's Comedy Club. I've been there. It's inside of Hollande Express in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.

I've done it, yeah. It's off the side of Route 17. Yeah. So it wasn't even remotely close to being sold out. Like I had, I had sold like 100 tickets over the course of a weekend. Is that the old Jewish couple that owned it? Yes.

Yeah. After you're done, I got to tell you something. Yeah. So I'm like, Bananas Comedy Club. Because yeah, so I said, you know, don't, Bananas Comedy Club down. But I said, we're not supposed to be talking to these people. Like, just let's watch the game.

And I hear my dad and me they go. Yeah, bananas comedy club That's real B if you are in New York, you know come through and then I'm like, okay, so my dad, you know, it's talking whatever My head Easter candy. Okay, the guy my dad was talking to Easter candy and my he's given my dad Easter candy And I'm like, oh my god, my dad's like you want to get Cadbury. What do you want? I was like, I don't want any candy just trying to watch the game so they put they put Phil my father's talking to Phil Collins he had no idea he had no idea who Phil he has no idea what Phil Collins is doesn't know anything they put Phil Collins up on the Jumbotron

kiss cam with your dad no they put him up on the Jumbotron yeah and they I've never No, they put him up on the Jumbotron. Yeah, and they play I've never seen this They play you normally they just throw a picture up or whatever they play Coming in the end tonight do do do do do do do and I've never seen this in Madison Square Garden during a live game You know during a timeout they put the lights down Put this guy in the Jumbotron.bo tried he got a standing ovation yeah because he's Phil Collins okay yeah and my dad turns me goes who the fuck is he and I go yeah that's Phil Collins yeah yeah within five seconds of the lights coming down yeah I have my head down I'm like oh that was pretty cool yeah I see

that people walking with the cameras. Yeah. And I see their shoes stop right in front of me. Wow. And they take the camera and the lady comes over. I swear to Christ, the lady from the next staff comes over. She goes, Chris, uh, De-Stalacalo? De-Stalacalo?

I said, DeStefano, she goes, you're up next. I said, what do you mean? She goes, we're going to put you on the Jumbotron. Just wave. It'll be great. They put me on the Jumbotron. I swear to we're gonna put you on the Jumbotron. Just wave. It'll be great. They put me on the Jumbotron I swear to Christ. They put me on the Jumbotron. I have video footage of this. Yeah, they put me on the Jumbotron absolute pin drop silence Nobody's saying anything I swear to Christ and this is not a bit I swear to Christ

Yeah, the only thing I feel is my father's hand rubbing my back. He's going, it's going to be all right, Chris. It's going to be all right. And then I swear to Christ, I'm getting my back rub by my dad. As soon as it's over, all of a sudden, a hand reaches across. It's Phil Collins with a bag of Easter candy, a bag of Cadbury eggs.

And he goes, and he goes, it's gonna be all right. I swear to Christ. But then my dad, so that was like a horrific experience, but then because of the bomb and all that, and my dad has just got like that gift again, Phil Collins like loved my dad. Like they were talking, he fucking loved my dad. Then he started asking me, he's like, oh, so you do comedy? And I said, yeah, you know, like trying whatever. And he was like, well, you know, if? And I said, yeah, you know, like, try and whatever.

And he was like, well, you know, if they're putting you up there, they must think you have potential. So just keep going. Wow. And look what happened. Did the people know who you were then? Maybe because you're a New York guy now?

No, no. Now, no. No, not at all. No, no, no. Because you're a New York guy. No, there's not a New York guy. No, there's not a million New York guys. They know you.

Yeah, no. No, they did not. They did not. And it was, yeah, it was wild. Tell me about the old Jewish family at Go Bananas. Oh, I didn't forget it. Why? They're going to top that story, man.

That story was so good. It was a good story. Phil fucking Collins. Phil Collins, bro. But it was it was you know, I can feel it Jiv night, oh Copping what you said, bud Man scapes roses are red violets are blue your balls, and your date will thank us too.

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You really do. Yeah. All of it. Yeah. And it's like. That's why when you get home late at night, what do you eat? I eat factored in. You get yourself some factor, baby. Get started on your resolutions with factor. You're ready for the new year.

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badfriends50 to get 50% off. I'm going to privately tell you, I'm not going to say who, but somebody told me they were like, I can't explain this to you, but I'm so attracted to Carlos. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I was like, wait, seriously? Wait, Bobby, are you mad at that? Yep. And, wow. Yeah, and I was like wait, seriously wait Bobby

Are you mad at that? Yep, and she was like something about I get it something about this ball No, no, she loved the but your bald and your hair. It's like Stavros Stavros is another reason like she was obsessed with his head She was like yeah, she goes tell him not to shave his right. It's like it's like you look so bad. It's good his right. It's like, it's like you look so bad. It's good. No, no, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm sure you've talked about this before. How they're like, they're switched. Like, Carlos, like the way fancy talks, his name should be Carlos and Carlos should be fancy. Like when fancy starts talking like I got you a gift, that guy's name should be Carlos. Yeah, yeah, you're right. But then, and then, and then, and then.

But do you know what his real name is? Fancy's real name? Fabrizio. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Fabrizio. No, his name is And Carlos. Yeah, yeah, you're right. But then, and then, and then, and then. But do you know what his real name is? Fancy his real name? Fabrizio. Yes, yeah, yeah. Fabrizio, no, his name is Andres. Andres. Oh, yes, Andres. Andres.

Which is just Andrew in Spanish. Right. Just me in Spanish. Carlos physically assaulted me in the original room. Like physically, literally physically assaulted me. A couple of nights ago. Well, I know, look, but that's because he looks like Ari Shafir, that's too.

Yeah. Did you not? And I want an apology on air, dude. What did you do? No, no, no, Bobby, you called me and apologized for what you did. What did you do? Bobby threw water on me in the OR.

Oh, what the hell is that about, dude? We're going to have the audience during someone's set. Oh. The thing is, who is on stage? I think Adam Ray. He can take the bit. Why did he throw water? He threw water? No did he throw water?

No, what Carlos and McCone do from our show? Mm-hmm. Yes, you do. No, I yes you do You did I did that one time. Yeah. Yeah, you do all the time What they do is they pull their way their bad friends away Oh, and they sit in the booths in the back in the original room. We're like the comics sit They told me I shut the fuck up for a second okay the paid regulars can only sit you know what it is like in the right or that corner booth yeah I'm a little I walk in the OR and they're sitting like they're smoking no but yeah there's nothing in their fingers you guys are doing this and not even smoking and you know what

Carlos did he did the fucking oh wow he felt man you did wow but they were sitting down at the it drove me crazy. I just threw water on them. I get that. Yeah. So I got up and grabbed this dick. Yeah. Oh, that's not okay.

Yeah. Do you want to clear the air? Well, I want to apologize for that for real, but also something happened at the airport with your mom that we never told you. Uh-oh. Okay. Okay. Is it gonna upset me? Yeah. What then? Is it what I did with her in the lounge?

In the Delta lounge? It's worse. Oh, shit. I just that was bad. What you tell it to me. Tell it to me. I'm fine. Okay. I want to look in the camera. This camera right here. I'm embarrassed. I'm going to be real. I know my real reaction. Go ahead Carlos gave her a bump of coke No, she was going to her We were in different terminals and she didn't want us to help her anymore because she was over it And when I was hugging her I hit her in the face Really hard like I swung You physically assaulted Bob's mom and she was like, oh, it's okay But then I was like super apologetic, but I definitely hit Bobby's so you gave her CTE

Wow, wow, that's so fucked up dude. It's not right over bro. What I was sober at the time. Yeah, I was how do you feel Bob? I get to hit your mom now Yeah, how do you feel Bob? I get to hit your mom now It's only fair dude. I get to hit your mom as hard as he can close fisted to yes, she can take it. She's young Yeah, and she's spent she's Mexican right? She's from how she could take the hit. There you go Imagine Carlos his mom is the one that has the hair like him My dad's bald I'm just taking it crazy far. It looks it really does look great when you guys rock it with confidence It looks awesome. Hell yeah. Why don't you tell Bobby? What's up? Oh tell Bobby

Tell him what's going on. Tell me you told me Be honest. I'm home The honest moment of bad friends. Okay. Okay when Andrew walked in earlier I didn't want to tell him this and it was actually it was hard for me to say but I have three days sober now I will I went out a little slip up. Yeah, I know I told him it's all good It was hard though I like I didn't intend to drink that night and then I drank and it was the same thing It was crazy because you went on a date. Yeah, and you felt pressure to drink. Yeah, I felt nervous

So I had a martini and then did she order a drink? Yeah. And you felt pressure to drink. Yeah, I felt nervous. So I had a martini. And then. Did she order a drink? Yeah, well, I bought her drink. No, but I'm saying like, who ordered first? She wanted a drink. It was like, yeah, we're going to get drinks. Did you tell her I don't drink?

I didn't say that. Yeah. Are you afraid to say that to a girl when you're on a date? Right now I am. Yeah. I mean, you know. That's normal. Yeah.

You know what they say, right? For the first year of sobriety What do they say go to a meeting every day? No, that's not that should be in a relationship. Oh I saw Mm-hmm. Okay, should be in a relationship. It was tough. It was work on yourself. Okay. It's all the same and no more glory holes But Kenny Kenny be out there getting pussy. No, you're not supposed to. But I saw a glory hole on a dating app. I think I sent you the picture. I know you sent me the glory hole picture.

I trust me. I log all of them. But when you said it to me, you didn't go to it though. I didn't go. And I didn't go to the milking table. I told you not to go. Yeah, I didn't go. OK.

Yeah, I didn't go. You can't go. No. Just take a year off. From glory holes? Yeah, I think so. Let's do it, do it, do it. Is that not in the book in the 12 step

It's not in the book, but what's like the four hours talking to Jimmy Schubert the other day, you know Jimmy, right? So funny Jimmy. Yeah, 59 years old. Yeah, right. You like Jimmy rips so funny ripper He's one of my best buddies. I love him love him, right? He goes yeah guy. I'm going to Philippines right now. What's he doing in the Philippines? He's ripping ass. Sure, right? You can rip ass at any age I'm going to Philippines right now. What's he doing in the Philippines? He's ripping ass. Sure. Right? You can rip ass at any age. You're young. It's still gonna be there, your dick energy.

Look at me. My little dick energy. It's still working, baby. Nobody calls it rip ass, by the way. What? I didn't know that. That's farting. Rip ass is farting.

What do you mean? That's farting. You said Jimmy Schubert's going to the Philippines to fart. That guy's flying a 17 hour flight just to let it all out. You can still rip ass, actually. Hey, I'm in the Philippines. Dude, Jimmy Schubert calls turds sewer pickles. Sewer pickles.

He's like, I got a sewer pickle. It's always going to be there at my point. You can rip ass your whole life. But I think it's also, it's good that you're being open and honest. I think that's a big thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you gotta.

Yeah, that's why I told you today. Well, I'm appreciative and we wanna keep promoting you to stay good. Thanks, bro. And stay healthy. I put the bottle down. No more drinking for me for a while. Really?

Why? It's been gone for a while. I don't know, I just felt like I needed to do it. How long, for how long have you been not drinking? The holidays, since before the holidays? Yeah. Did I inspire you? No. Okay. No, okay?

No, you don't inspire me at all or influence me or no, no, no, no, you know what it really was was like Just getting older. I don't know. Yeah, I get it I don't know I just I get a little bit older paint the body pains are a little bit different now and you have a couple and Yeah, I don't know and I don't want to end up looking like Andres, you know what I mean How would this on today fuck fucking 13? Do you enjoy some of your time in, Espana? Yeah? It was good. It was good good to see family. Are they proud of you? They don't know what I'm doing. I hide this from you You're embarrassed about this. Yes Wow, but a lot of people are what you're embarrassed about working for bad friends. Mm-hmm. Well, yes, no, I get it

No, I don't I don't get it. I get it. I don't get it We're one of the top podcasts on planet Earth. No, I know but conquistadors all of the history of these guys, you know They're so right. Yeah, right. I Mean he'll tell you all the history of Spain to give me give us a quick synopsis of the history of Spain go me Yeah, no, I only know I only know America. Oh, you don't know Spain? Spain, well, I know Spain, you know, had territories in the United States, you know, that's why Cuban people speak Spanish and how influential the Spanish colonial empire was, the Invincible Armada, or you would say the Invincible Armada.

I know them, but I don't know the history of actual mainland Spain. I don't know it as well. Other than they're like, you know, they're the original, you know, people speak Spanish and most countries that speak Spanish is because Spain conquered them. Right. Mexico. Mexico is not, they don't, they don't speak Spanish. Puerto Ricans don't speak Spanish. It's just the Spain. This is what it is about when people attack white people. It's like, well, then you have to attack Spanish people too, because they were worse, they were worse than, than our whites. Yeah, and you know who was the absolute worst

Asians Koreans very bad, but you know they're not we read on this show that they have the largest unbroken chain of slavery in the history of the World yeah aside from that That were great. That's it. Yeah. Yeah, that're great. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's insane. Yeah, but do China, the countries that Japan occupied, do they speak Japanese? No.

They let them keep their language. But the Spanish did not. You talk like we talk. Yeah. What do you mean? That's a Spanish actor? Yeah. The Spanish Inquisition, very bad Spanish Inquisition, but people just want to talk about whites.

Oh, you want to talk about white people being, what about the Spanish Inquisition? Very not good. No bien. No bien. No bien. No bien. I think they consider us white. Right. Who does? Not us. Exactly. I'm not inviting you to a party. Let me see your papers. Where were you on Jan 6? Were you there? Did you go to the anniversary? I was looking. Yeah, he was thinking about it. For me, it was if Jan 6th was a hell of a holiday this year because it was my holiday, of course, storming the Capitol, but then also it's little Christmas. I know you said that. It's so wild. That's the Puerto Rican Little Christmas. So I had a big, big day. That was my big day of the year.

Little Christmas. Little Christmas. Little Christmas. Pequeña Navidad. Pequeño Navidad. What do you do on Little Christmas? Three Kings. Three Kings Fest. And then, you know, in Puerto Rico, so we just kind of, I give my family gifts, wrapped up in aluminum foil. And they fuse that foil to clean with it.

Yes. Like, they're gonna go fucking screw it. Yes, and then I say, come on, this is what we're gonna take our lunch with. Best day of the year. Best day. When you pack the kids lunch, what's the lunch that you pack? So like sometimes when Jazz makes lunch, she makes like lunch or then sandwiches and stuff. Who's Jazz?

Jazz is my girl. Who's Jazz? Jasmine, my girlfriend. My girlfriend, mother, my kids. But the other day, my kids, Jazz, she'll have early, she's a fitness instructor, so she'll have early classes sometimes and she asked me to pack the kids lunch. And the other day, I didn't, I had no idea what to give them for lunch, so I just took

out Tupperware's and I gave them leftover tortellini alfredo in Tupperware's. And then they couldn't eat it because it was like frozen together. And they called the school, like, you know, they're like, you know, kids have no lunch, they can't eat this lunch. And Jasmine was like, what did you give them for lunch? I was like, totally, you know, Frito and Tumblr, she was like, are you a fucking asshole? Why would you do that?

I was like, what did you want me? They don't have a microwave at school, fucking heat it up. No, the kid, they won't let, dude, you know what it is crazy with my, how much the world's changed in the pandemic. This was one of the biggest, most fun parts of lunch that they've taken away.

My kids in school cannot share their food with their friends. You can't do trades. You know, I would trade you with Dunkeroo for some... Some kimchi. Yes. Kimchi, by the way. Probably wouldn't make that trade. Yeah, oh, why?

I'd be like, don't talk to him. He has nothing good to offer. Oh, really? Gochujang. No thanks. Kimchi jjigae. No. I would say, Bobby, why is my food is barking?

Um. Um. So, but, but, um, they won't let them trade food anymore. It sucks. That is bullshit. That was such a big thing in school. But you look forward to. Swapping.

Yeah. Cause there was always a kid who had all the, all the good shit. Yeah. I never got good shit. I never had anything fun. They made me eat lunch at school. What? Yeah, we all my kid eat lunch at school. No, no, no They didn't pack we had food at yeah

Yeah, you'd have school lunch the fucking fucked up pizza all that stuff tater tots shitty pizza burgers How often did you steal? Did you steal the food from the cafeteria? No, you know what I would do I was escaped because the coast I you know we belong to Stone Ridge Country Club. Oh Family looking your lips after you say I love it. It's devious So we went to Stone Ridge we would escape go to Stone Ridge They had a restaurant and because my parents were members. I used to get gourmet hamburgers and then sign it over Right, that's unbelievable. You live like this. Yeah, yeah, and then I would go back to school.

Wow. And people were like eating these fucking ham sandwiches. I just had a gourmet fucking stick-ass French fries. Oh my God. A Diet Coke. Steak fries? Love it, yummy. And a Sunday. I used to steal from our cafeteria all the time. And I'd put the burgers in my pockets.

I'd have as many burgers I could put in my pockets. I loved stealing from school. That was like my favorite thing, dude. How much shit could I steal? Just steal it all. I was a big thief, because I didn't want to pay for it. I didn't have any money anyway.

Right, my school had, did you guys have this? In the 80s, we had a fucking whole area with a fence. Smoking stuff. Yeah, smoking, we had smoking, yeah. Yeah, we had a smoking school. In high school. No, couldn't smoke. Kids just smoking cigarettes. We had a patio off of the main off of one of our main

Kind of like oh actually it was the it was a freshman sophomore cafeteria And there was junior senior area Yeah, and then off of there was an indoor as a patio and you kids could smoke out there Right, you were senior you could go out there and smoke I thought that was so fucking wild because I didn't think much of it until later that I was like Wow, that's crazy They used to be able to fucking just walk outside and smoke and come back inside.

I was scared because it was the heavy meddlers. It was the cool guys. And we had Mexican heavy metal people, so they're scary. They're scary. They're scary. They all look like slash. I hate it because the honeybuns, I used to like honeybuns. And the honeybun machine was over by the smoking door.

Yeah. And I fucking never would go over there if there was older kids by the door smoking because I didn't want them to make fun of me. Right. You know, but so if there was, if there was nobody outside, I'd go get a honey bun. But that was my biggest deflection was smokers. I've been trying to talk about my love life all day, man.

Love life. You haven't even brought it up once. And then I want to talk about my love life. Yeah. Are you doing good? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Mm-hmm. Could go ahead. Um, I have a new theory. Okay. I'm going to edge love So you're gonna edge love you're not even know what I'm you're not gonna go

You're not edging in sex, but love you're not even know what I'm talking you're not gonna go edging in sex But love you're not gonna go all the way in with love. I'm not even gonna meet them. That's not well. I don't know if that's I'm not gonna check it out. I think you've misinterpreted what edging it. No, no I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. Okay. All right. May I explain please like in like insects, right? I'm about to come. I'm about to come right, but I don't come that's edging. Yeah, that's ed sex, right? I'm about to come. I'm about to come, right? But I don't come. That's edging, yeah. That's edging, right? Yeah.

I'm gonna see her. I'm gonna see her. I'm not gonna see her. Right? So that mystery and that, you know what I mean? Like what's gonna happen is always there. And they just never see each other. Could you be feeling this time doing something constructive?

What do you mean, man? I don't know, like comedy or job or like anything. No, this is side stuff. But you're not really doing it. Yes, I am doing it. It's like you're mapping out the plans to a building and you're never going to build it. That's exactly, you're edging architecture. Why would you be an architectural edger? Why?

Why? Because it's like a dream of it. Because what I realize is once you hook up, it loses that magic. Sure. Well, that's a piece of it. Yeah. It's all about the chase, the anticipation of it all.

The hunt is better than the kill. Right. So it's like, what? I said, it's such a drug addict. There's a drug addict thing? Of course. Of course. You're chasing the endorphins of it.

That is the definition of what you're doing. Yeah, because I realized being single, and once you do it, and then once you're in the smashing, and you come and you do all that, it loses something. So I'm just gonna try this for the next year. This is, this is, dude, this is why TikTok, every girl on there is like, men are fucking me up!

Why? Because this is gonna fuck them up. No. Are you masturbating to them? No. You have to. You don't come. You lie, lie. What? That's a terrible lie. Yeah. In

fact, last night, I haven't masturbated in four days and what? You haven't. I'm not overrevealing this, but I swear to God, four days I didn't masturbate. Last night I go, you know what? Bobby deserves a little session, right? So, you know, I have a machine. I have a machine. Suckmaster 3000. Right, but it broke because I got too much water in it Oh, they do in the bathtub, right? So like the electric electrical two components Rusted Rusted yes, I put the batteries in there and sitting in the tub. Why don't you do it? I have to do in the bathtub. You have a water jerk. Yeah, he likes it

It kind of the wall. Yeah, a water jerk? Yeah. He likes to sit at 90 degrees when he comes. It's the kind of, it taps into the wall. Yeah. I got too much water, it rusted. Yeah. So I took the actual vaginal part out. Yeah, right. And I've been gripping that and doing it. Sure, sure.

That's fine. So I was like, what? What if? No. What if you got rid of the vaginal part and then just gripped it with your hand? Have you ever done that? Yeah.

I've done it so many years with that. Okay. Tired of it. Oh, you're over it. Oh, you're over it. I've done it so many years with that. Okay. Tired of it. Oh, you're all... Pass. Oh, you're over it. I'm over it. So it is...

Get it. If it ain't broken. I know. When I would get bored of like my hand, I would jerk off with my catcher's mitt. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Right? So, yeah, so that part...

You're talking about your girlfriend's face? Oh! Let me finish my thing. So last night, I'm in the bathtub and I was like fuck I can't fuck it Yeah, right, so I'm gonna edge it all. Oh you're edging all of it. I'm edging all of it, dude What do you guys think I I mean, I think we voiced it halfway through yeah, that idea I think it's gonna work. I think it sounds like a bad idea does let me try it though I think what about abstinence in general just saying no, thank you to everything and then you don't have to set yourself up. Because I like the cutesy shit.

Okay. That's fine. I like the babes. Right. You want to be a cutesy poochy. Hey babe. Hey babe, my podcast every Thursday. Yeah, go check that out with Sel Volcano. What? What's your love? What's your love? You want to talk about yours? Oh, well no. I was, I uh... You sounded like you wanted to.

I don't know. I was I sounded like you wanted to I Don't know I was gonna think of a Kali la joke, but I couldn't I No, I'm good my thing. Oh you want to fuck Kali la no no I actually don't yeah I actually don't why don't you say it's nicer. Do you want to hang out with her? I don't yeah, I don't love her so much I don't want to I don't wanna fuck my life. I, um... So funny, dude. I'm a crazy person. I'm a crazy person.

Hey, whatever, dude. You only live once. Yeah. This might all be a simulation. Let me put this there. What about this? This is brought up by my podcast partner, Mike Cannon, who's with me now in my podcast every week of Chrissy Chaos.

He said- Is that that guy a little guy there? No, no, Mike Cannon's back on the East Coast. That's Don DePetta, that's a little Don. And then Steve, that's Steve Ciaconi, right, Sironi. Yeah. Steve Ciaconi, right? Where do you get a little Manson guy like that?

A little Stevie like that? I got him at the guitar, I got him at Guitar Center. Yeah. He was on the shelf. You know, he's got like the handsome structure of the phase. But if he was taller, he'd be good. But he's so small, so it ruins it. Right.

Yeah, he's like a wish.com version of another man. It's almost there, but not. Right. Tell him you're going to do shows down. This will be out by the time you already did them. Were you doing in Bray? Where are you at? No, I'm doing the Magnolia Theater in San Diego.

And then I'm doing the Wiltern Theater in LA. And let me tell you, I got two words, big mistake. Kids about 50% sold on both shows, big mistake. Where's the Wiltern? Huge! When's the Wiltern? Saturday, this Saturday. It'll sell. We'll tweet about it.

I literally have 50% of the room sold on both. I was like trying to beg my edge. I was like, can we just cancel? And he was like, no. Bring up Christy comedy right now. Yes. And I also need help in Nashville at the Ryman. Kid bit off more than he can chit-chit you love we had a great time at the right at the Ryman yeah so upcoming shows there

upcoming show I feel like I'm slowly slipping out of comedy no dude you're not I don't know why it's just a it's an honest feeling I'm hoping it's gonna go away the Wiltern there it is fuck me let's see let's see how bad go to the seat view map we'll just see what yeah We'll just see what it looks like. Yeah, we wanna see what it looks like. Let's see what a shitfest this is. No, what do you mean the floor's totally solid? No, dude, go to the arrow up top.

But I'll tell you what. Is it a plus symbol? Yes. Go to the plus symbol in the top right. See it, click on that. Okay, okay, but. What do you mean that's sold out? That's just sold out.

Andrew, Andrew, no, you know what they do here. They're blocking out seats on the digital map. So it forces you to buy. That's, I don't think I've sold though. You're sold out. I think there's curtain, no, I don't think I've sold those. You're sold out. I think there's curtains. No, there's curtains up. You're selling out.

No. You're selling out. I'm telling you, there's no way I have that many tickets. Bob and I are going to promote it. You're selling out. Fine. You're not going to come to our city and not sell out. Fine.

But it wasn't, when I come to LA, we probably should just do the comedy clubs. That's probably the better idea. Well, here's the problem. It's like with me and this guy in New York. Like I'll see you in a week when I go to New York. When someone's like, hey, do you want to go play? What did I play that you came to me? What I played city town hall? Town hall. Yeah. And they were like, you want to do that again? No, I'd rather just play the cellar and whatever

and work out because it's a workout city. LA is tough to get to work out city. We're all here. Yeah. And I also did the Brea improv, the Oxon improv. Well, those are good because they're away. Right. But, but I would it it has something to do with Why don't you just do Irvine and improv? No, I so much money. I should have I should I it was it I probably next year and moving forward, you know, if I hey, we're playing Reno. We're doing the grand Sierra I'm all I mean that my tickets there are so beyond dog shit. It's unbelievable. What do we what a full fucking zero?

I am what do we got really funny? I have like 500 tickets sold out if there's 2500 seat look I mean Let it load I mean there is you cannot imagine I I think I have 10% of the room sold there I'm just going because the next day I'm interviewing Jerry Rice at the Super Bowl. Oh, that's cool, right? Well, you're in Reno. What day February 8th Friday. We're there on the third. We're there before you. Shiaza. Yeah, but our tickets are bad in Reno too. You know why?

Fucking. It's a casino. It's a casino in Reno. It's a nice guarantee up front, so that's why I took it and I figured out, and I love state capital, so Carson City's capital, Nevada, is 20 minutes away, but I mean, I mean, they're laughable.

The only one I'm doing good in is the Warner Theater in DC. That one's almost sold out. Hey guys, let's be the comics that only do clubs now. We should make the money It's just too it's just it's a too much We're playing ten shows at big theaters come after that after that All right Yeah What the fuck and I do a sugero thing in the summer and after that right clubs, but yeah, let's talk about our little beef

You're leaving me for Segura, huh? Oh come on now Go ahead and say it go ahead and tell the world what you did when I call him up He goes out to Hawaii for Segura. He does a show for him and then he tells me I'm gonna do a bunch of shows of Segura later to oh you leaving me for Segura six not about Six show that's as many as we're doing in the new year right we did 50 you and I yeah, right? Yeah, and then you're a bona fide one of the greatest headliners you know me not me no So I'm just I'm just wherever the wind takes me, I go. No, it's okay. If that's how you want to end this whole thing, it's fine.

It's not, we're not ending. Dude. If this is how you want to end this. Shut the fuck up. See? See what he's doing? Let me see. Yeah. I'm sorry guys. All right.

I want to see something real in here, dude. Tom Segura. I mean, he's famous. You know what, you know what Bobby? You know what I think you've been hearing in your head and your Asian head. I think you've been mispronouncing the word loyalty for loyalty. loyalty. You take your loyalty. Wow loyalty so that L and R is a big one for you right now Thank you. Thank you loyalty, but we're saying loyalty loyalty. You want to talk about loyalty?

You want to talk about loyalty right now? Are we doing Australia? Yeah, we are guess who's not going Russell Crowe This I'm doing six shows. I'll never do it again. No, no Does it hurt my feelings? Yeah, it really does a little bit. Yeah, I mean real. Yes Tom Segura Those guys you're gonna go with those guys me Tom and Jessica's curse on I love Jessica Kerson But yeah, I'm Segura. Yeah. Yeah love Jessica Kersan. But Tom Segura? Yeah, he doesn't need two lesbians open.

He's such a nice guy to me. He doesn't need two lesbians open. Too pleasant. Thank you for being a bad friend. Oh my god, does Stefan know he's here? Dude, I haven't seen you in so long. We can be fucking about... Before we start shooting. Yeah, go ahead.

That's why they don't have Asians on these shows. Honestly, start Asian hate agaisn. Yeah! Woo! Yeah! Woo! Yeah!