Bad Friends - Pilot | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Bad Friends is a comedy podcast with hosts Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino. This is the first episode. Thank you to our sponsors: http://forhims.com/badfriends & https://www.manscaped.com code: badfriends & https://buffy.co code: badfriends Subscribe on YouTube: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com/ More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com/ More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Produced by George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anchor if you haven't heard about anchor. It's the easiest way to make a podcast Let me explain. Oh, please. It's free. Awesome. That's cool These are there are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer You do it from your phone like on the go. Oh my god That's cool the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many many many many more. Go ahead You can make money from your podcast too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go Bob?

Download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started Could just stop. Can I talk? This is a 50-50 podcast. Okay, go ahead. I feel like you're you think that you're the captain of the ship I am we're we're no we're like the lighthouse. We're the two dudes in the lighthouse It says right here the most the highest though the most she's ever lifted is 200 if you want to Google Let's go if you want to Google friend. Let's go. Don't tell me that my people are weak and yours are strong But if we could too can play that game though, you know, Irish ping-pong players. Let's go. Oh my god Let's go. That's one of my point is is that you go weightlifting I can go ping-pong my point is I'll beat you in ping-pong Hey, hey, that those those are supposed to be turn is that look right on camera the way that the

The way that the bam these the bamboo looks I did bamboo so on purpose because of all you Oh, that's good. I went to Ikea this morning. I got that color for you cuz you're bland So hey buddy. Hey buddy khakis and I'm bland. Look at you. You've a phony ass vintage coke shirt That's such a fucking a 100% vintage shirt. It from where where's it from? I don't know Not fake. It's fake. You're fake. Yeah I am phony. You're funny. Turn it on. Are we rolling already? They're already rolling pieces of shit Don't say that to that. Both of these guys are fucking pieces of shit

Well, I have already known that George is a piece of shit because I've known him for very long Let's do this real real fast. Yeah Let's thank George because he did do a wonderful job on this studio. Look at our new studio Yeah, yeah, yeah, he it's great. It's wonderful when I got here George was it was hanging shit up You do that you do that when when the papa is not here Yeah, you don't do that when he's here ready to go Yeah, George you you you do you know what George said to me last night who showed up last night George I did right with my dog and I said George where

Your wife that what What did you say don't call your wife I'll call her whatever the fuck I want I bought her I Said to George. I said hey man. What are we gonna do tonight? And I dropped off some stuff and he said I'm gonna put up some shelves Yeah, do it one shelf one shelf right do it did it right now if everyone can see at home I don't know if you get it screws sticking out holes in the wall. Yeah, so good. And then that's so good the cacti Yeah, one cacti one the cacti You know what dude one one the cacti don't do that don't Do I'm I pull pot? Yeah, I am

Yeah I bought you bamboo say thank you pull towards you You know what you have though. I'm not even on camera is it it's not even count but here's what you have What do I got you have this hidden rage inside you? It's not hidden at all I know but it's I understand that but when you have because I saw there will be blood and the oil All right, sometimes they can see oil sticks coming out of the soil, right? That's what your rage is but underneath It's bubbling is Bob Olo Bob Olo. Why if you do an Asian accent again, I'm not that's not an Asian Why would that be an Asian accent Bob Olo? No Bob Olo means it's like a that's like a guttural. It's a bubble. Oh, yeah

Yeah, it's a Bob Olo. I read it wrong Bum bum bum me Walking down the street. We're not doing so good to me. No, we're not we're not doing that Um, Bobby, I want to give you something. I'm excited to do this with you real fast. Okay. Will you do this with me? Sure? Okay Do you know what the Oscars are? I love them. Do you know who got who got nominated? Oh, sure So, you know everything Han Solo son, what's his name Han Solo son What the guy if he was on women girls

Adam driver he did. Okay. That's the only one that you know. No, I know more which ones the coprio Did he get nominated for best actor? Yes. Did he really? He did. Yeah. Yeah, fuck. He was great in that All right. So one of the things that got nominated was the movie the Irishman. Did you watch the Irishman? No, okay. We're about to reenact one of my favorite scenes from the Irishman, okay Well, can I watch the movie first before we know? That's the best part. Okay. Can I beat Joe Petro? Okay, you can either be you can either be Jimmy Hoffa. Oh, I want to be Jimmy Hoffa. Do you know who Jimmy Hoffa is? Yeah, he was a union guy Okay, so you want to be Jimmy Hoffa? Did he disappeared? That's right. You want you want to be Jimmy Hoffa? Yeah, okay

That's Jimmy Hoffa's lines and I'm gonna be and I'm gonna be Tony Pro and if people have seen the movie know that Who Tony Pro is okay? I want you to act this out very seriously. All right. Okay. Let's go. No, no Let me fuck. Let's fucking read it. Let's do it the right way. Okay, ready. This is rehearsing This is for the Oscar season. All right ready in interior private club Miami-Dade 1972 Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up. Can I improvise? Fuck, dude. Fuck. Can I improvise? Yeah, okay? Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up Jimmy checks his watch looks at Frank. Hey Hey, fuck it. Fuck it. Yeah, cut you're gonna have to get to the first line if we're gonna be able to do I'm improvising you have to get to the first line without a doubt. You're gonna have to get

Oh, I can't improvise. That's improvising? Fuck it. Oh fuck it. Oh fuck it. You do a record scratch. All right I said fuck it four times. But read that read the thing again. Interior private club Miami-Dade 1972. Hey, forget about it. Okay. Jimmy Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up Jimmy checks his watch looks at Frank. Fuck it. Let's go. Let's give him a few more minutes This isn't right. You don't do this. You don't make a man wait. I know The only time you do that is when Wait, when you want to say something, you know when you want to say fuck you that's the only time

Frank nods they wait Jimmy getting mad or by the second Finally a white Cadillac pulls out front and pro wearing shorts and a short sleeve shirt comes in with his cousin a lot Tony Jack who unlike pro is wearing enough clothes to conceal a piece and join Jimmy and Frank at the table Can you believe this? Why the people are freezing at that the New York and look at us. It's 80 outside. It's perfect Why don't we live here year-round is what I want to know? Hey Hey, it's it's summer. What? Hey summer, you know people are freezing to death in New York in my mind. It's always eight degrees in New York I'm making a point

This is how you dress from meeting. This is how you dress in Florida in a suit for meeting if It's Florida tempak too And you're late What you've laid there was traffic It's never been late for meeting my life wasn't there traffic there was I never wait for anybody Who'd late more for more than 10 minutes? I'd say 15

15 is right no no no 10 I don't think so 10 is not enough you gotta take traffic into account that is taking traffic into account, buddy That's why it's 10. I still say 15 10 fine. We disagree on that more than 10 You're saying something Are you saying something to me? I'm here. That says what it says. What can I do for you? I? Want to ask you for endorsements for something whoa whoa whoa before you tell me let's get the other thing straightened out I Can't do anything about your pension now with feats out there with fix there you should talk about your fits about I did

He says I'll take care of it. No questions asked you wouldn't do that, but he will I meant the other thing The other thing you know, I don't know a apology my apology for what you said when you were sitting a eat your fucking ice cream like some Fucking King that was an ethnic slur you people I'll apologize for that After you apologize for being late your motherfucking whoop Cock-sucker. I'll apologize for being late after I kidnapped your granddaughter rip a guts out and sent him into you in a Fucking envelope. Wow. We did it. How was it was that that on just a good see Was that just like the movie? I just feel like it was that's what I think we should win in a fuck

We should we should win something for that, right? You know what I was gonna do I was gonna print out some old stuff of yours to make you reread from some of your earlier stuff But I didn't want to do it. Why you wanted to shame me in her. Oh my no I was gonna print out your scene from Harold and Kumar because I thought it was one of my favorite scenes you ever did We should do scenes from other classics, you know, yeah, we could do scenes all the time from other Raging bull. I want to do raging bull. You wanna do that. You fuck my wife. You fuck my wife I want you fuck my wife. Why do you go when you were doing that impression of an Italian guy?

Why did you go back and forth between like a weird old Asian guy to then like a like a slow? I know because I don't I don't do it. Yeah, I don't do it Yeah, you did did I really I don't do it. I don't do it Yeah, because dude, I don't do Italian accent. Can you not do any accents when you go in for an audition if they say We need an accent. What do you do? I had to do Boston today. Do Boston for me Can you do I'll do a line and you'd say a line. I'll try. Okay. All right. Go ahead. I'll say exactly from the show ready It's Yeah, he said yeah, what a great

Hold on. I have to look away from it. I have to close my eyes while I do if I look at you while I do It's gonna be hard. Don't do the fucking audition just do a line that you would say if you're bought from Boston Bro, yeah fucking over there. We're uh, yeah, that's where uh, that's that's what we live That's why Brady's the best. He's the best quarterback Quarterback. I can't do it. There's no way I could do it. Great Brady. Uh, Brady, Brady Now you sound like a little Italian Yeah, here's the thing. Did you really audition for a Marvel movie? Yeah, I did. Did you feel good about it? The first take no, but you're not gonna be what are you gonna be in the movie? Not a superhero?

Good god. No, you'll be like a that's so fucking rude that you say that you think you have a superhero body It doesn't matter. Yeah, it does Name a superhero that looks like you um toad from X-Men Yeah, yeah, there are there's you know, there's there are superheroes you're not even aware of Dead girl, you know who that is. No, but I guess I can put it together what she is. Yeah, she's dead So you can't kill her That's not nobody wants to watch that. I'm just telling you that they exist Nobody wants to watch a superhero that came there's a Japanese X-Men called Sunfire Son of fire

Did they don't say it like that? Sunfire was named a Pontiac car Pontiac Sunfire. Yeah, I mean I'm not saying it a certain way No, but you're telling you're saying to me that there's no way in hell that I'll ever be a superhero in a movie and I'd never I Think that you're you would never be a superhero in a movie I would never be a superhero in a movie neither would you and I'm in way better shape than you are it has nothing to do with your shape Yes, it does with the power that you that you're born with or if something happened to me name one superhero movie That's really famous where that where the no isn't in shape. Okay. I'm just telling you right name one I got right now

You know there's what's his name? He's he follows me on Twitter. He's in Dr. Strange the fat Asian guy I'm glad you know I don't even know Yeah, yeah, yeah, something wrong. Yeah. Yeah, don't say something wrong ever again. Okay, you fucking I didn't say Asian. I know by him. Wait, what? You can go something wrong. What's the name of the movie? Dr. Strange No, it was Strange Asian Benedict Cumberbatch you would tell at you for Rachel McAdams. No, that's who's in it go further

um There's only there's more Benedict Wong Benedict Wong Benedict Wong. Yeah, he's a fat Chinese dude, but he's from England Fat Chinese guy with an English accent he put in the movies. He doesn't have one. He doesn't really have it It's very it's very in English. Let's my point is is that I just proved you wrong. So go fuck yourself Wait, wait, what what character was he in this? He was Wong. His name was Wong not a superhero. He did you see the movie? No

He did superhero shit while on the journey of a physical like this He went like this he went like this and there was a hole and the people went ran ran in and out of the hole But he did it that he goes. Oh no, he goes Oh, no, no, no, and he does he makes a circle, right and then dr. Strange to go is it done? Go through go through. Yeah, he runs through and then he goes Oh, and he closes it back up. That's also in no, he was also in the Avengers movies and game Big part. What was the part? Oh, he goes he goes but instead of dr. Strange He goes Tony Stark get through

Other people I'm captain America get through right and they go through look the point is yeah, you're not gonna be a superhero Neither am I so in this movie you might Superhero, oh, it's fine. Can I say this what's your superhero? What's your superpower in real life? I think what would your power be if the fucking what dude, dude, are you know what guys like you we need help? All right, but a good time a world of my sponsors Support for bad friends is brought to you Bob man escaped Who's the best in men's let's just be more real about it man. I use lawn. I use this lawnmower on my junk

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This is the third lawnmower 3.0 and I'm telling you I've used the other ones. This one's the best Let me talk go ahead It's a third-generation one of the coolest features of the LED light which illuminates grooming areas for closer more precise trimming You can get as close as you can get 20% off Pre-shipping with the code bad friends at manscape.com. Yep, your balls will thank you for sure We'll get 20% off free shipping with the code bad friends at manscaped.com I want to tell everyone now right now is is that regardless of what you look like who you are, right? You're always gonna have naysayers in your life. That's gonna bring you down

Bad people and there's so there's a reason why and I have to say something else dude about your rage I don't have rage. Yeah, because when I was on the phone I'm not trying to bring you down when you said that you got diarrhea from hilarities. Oh My god. All right. This is not true. Could just stop This is a 50-50 podcast. Okay, go ahead. I feel like you're you think that you're the captain of the ship I am we're we're no we're like the lighthouse. We're the two dudes in the lighthouse No, I'm on the top of the lighthouse. You're down below Regardless in the movie in the movie you die first. So

All right, so here's the deal all right one of the best comedy clubs in America Yeah, there's a club called hilarities. Yeah, it's in Cleveland. I was just there last week, right? And one of the greatest men in the whole world He owns it. His name is Nick and everyone loves them. I haven't said one one of the kindest people So the staff I'm eating dinner there It's delicious food one of the best steak houses in America and I love it and thank you so much for having me there Because you guys are wonderful people and I'm so sorry. There's negativity in your life and it's coming from somebody that's That you're not even aware of well first of all. Yeah. Yeah, so let me let me finish the story

They said mr. Santino welcome when I showed up. Yeah, that's before You accused them of diarrhea. I didn't just let me finish the story Guy you get so angry. Well because you're making up lies. This is fake news. It's not fake news Go ahead. All right. Let's just say as though I'm sitting there and they go. Oh, yeah Santino was here and We just thought that you know, we treated him nice, you know Get a meal this and that and then he goes on Joe Rogan's podcast and tells them that our food is terrible And it gave us chronic diarrhea and was died and it just hurts us. That's not and I looked at let me finish the story you fuck

Let me finish the story. All right. Can I finish the story though? Please and at the end of my story I'll go I'm done with the story and then you can talk fine. All right, okay And so I'm sitting there with them and they're on the verge of tears Yeah, by the way, right because there's the nicest people you'll ever meet, right? So I go I can't believe that he would say something like that because Andrew is a very good guy And I don't know but he said it on the podcast and like, you know, like, you know, Bobby, you know that we Bill Burr, you know, when he did his special in England, he texted me and say, thank you for all the stage time And he really is a kind of guy that nurtures

Real talent and he you know how you go to some comedy clubs and it's Uncomfortable they don't treat you right. Yeah, he's the polar opposite He's good comes from the school of Sebastian Montescalco of class, right? Okay, and when you when you when you belittle somebody with class and you and you start rumors and And and you you bad mouth people and you put that black magic out there your verbal black magic, right? What it does is it just it just creates, you know, just a chasm of darkness, okay? And I'm not done with the story. Okay. So my point is is that What and so then what happened is so let me call Santino right now, yeah

so I call Santino on speakerphone, right and I go here. I'm with the guys at the club and they said that you gave you they gave you diary I don't I don't know that true and then you you know what you did what and you did something so me you embarrass me so much I embarrass you. Yeah, this is what you go. You go fuck you hang up the phone you fucking chink like you went fucking I didn't say that you did on the phone. I All that kind of stuff right and I asked them and I had to turn to them and go What's the story? That's the story, right? My friend has a disease called rage and he's a bad guy sometimes you put me Well, first of all, you hung me out to dry you put me on speakerphone

You didn't tell me I was on speakerphone. That's rule number one Everyone knows in a phone call, you know, you always say you're on speakerphone. Don't you you're on speakerphone and you didn't okay? So you started accusing me second of all, here's how the real story went me and Joe Rogan went there to go see Jessamay Pallusa when Joe and I were in town doing a show for Joe, right? We went there to say hi cuz we love Jessamay's we stopped by the club. They said hi miss Santino Hi, Mr. Rogan. How are you guys doing? I said great. They said you want something to eat? I said sure We'll both eat we had already eaten. Okay, and then we ate another meal. Okay. This is what happened We hung up with Jessamay Jessamay and I hung out a little bit then the next morning

I get on the plane me and Joe Rogan get on the plane. I'm sitting next to him and wake up in a panic I run to the bathroom. I can't really like I can't really see I'm nauseous I throw up everyone I pass out from deep from I'm dehydrated from throwing up like it's it's like hurting I'm throwing up so much. Okay. I sit in my seat. They call a nurse a male nurse Come who's in who's right in front of us come swinging around interesting. Yeah Comes come swinging around. I throw up in the bag three or four more times. Yeah, okay, and then the nurse says what did you eat? I said well we ate dinner. I told him how he goes. Yeah, you a lot of undigested food in your stomach I said, what is this from? What's going on? What do I have? He said all your vitals are normal

It could just be some weird bacteria. Perhaps it's something you eat you ate. I don't really know So Joe the whole time is like what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? I'm like, I don't know man I don't know. I feel really sick. I'm really pale And and and anyway, we land the plane. I get home two days later. Whatever I go on Rogan's show Okay, I say to Joe I don't know what it was and he goes I bet you was food poisoning from the club late last night because we ate really late at night in the middle of the night It was probably like the last of the meal. Okay. I said maybe but I don't know we go on the show

Joe says you got food poisoning the other day. You want to talk about it? I don't mention the club Once I say I got food poisoning. We don't really know does I've explained the whole story on Rogan's podcast And then he goes from hilarities and I said, I know I did not say that My whole point was to not say where I got it from because I don't know if it was their fault And then I got on the phone after you tried to fucking throw me under the bus and I apologize V him and lead to them because I was like, I would never throw you on the bus I don't know if you did it. I felt terrible because they were all so nice to me. So no Your version is funny. It's not true and here and I'm not trying to because I want to make I want to make it known

Hilarities is a great club. They're great people It well, I don't know if there was fault or something else I ate and by the way food poisoning happens big deal It's not the end of the world. I might have just ate something weird But here's where you weren't I did blow a guy at 230 before I cook before and there's a joke and that's how he That's how I am the defense mechanism. Yeah, you know, I can I just say something? I like to be rebuttled I like to rebuttal you. Okay, rebuttal me then rebuttal me about a story that you weren't there for Because I'm gonna tell you where you went wrong. Can I say that as a friend? Okay? All right. Is is that when you go, I don't know what's wrong with me. Yes, you do know what's wrong with you. What you're weak

Red-headed people have weak everything, right? So whatever it is So you you're saying you're saying Koreans are the strongest people in the world Oh, here we go. Here we go. Have you you were pressed by the Japanese for 50 years? Were you? You're my people were okay. All right. Why because yeah, Olympic weight lifters Korean Let's see the lineup yeah, yeah Yeah, Jang me run great great weight lifter Jang me run you can take two rice fucking pots and with one hand and pull it with those right way weight lifters from South Korea lift

List ready. Yeah Jang me run great. She is currently based in go Yang your top way. There's a woman great your top way left Oh, yeah, he is the is the epicenter of Lifting all right. She can we have a great gym called Gym and it's the best It says right here the most the highest though the most she's ever lifted is 200 if you want to Google If you want to Google friend, let's go. She lifted 200 sonatas. All right, you want to Google all right. All right Jihoon Min

Jihoon men South Korea weight lifter. He completed featherweight division In a Beijing Olympic Games in 2008 last time he failed to successfully lift a clean and jerk He was disqualified. These are some of your best by the way. I'm naming that's great. That's great Don't try to tell me that my people are weak and yours are strong But if we could too can play that game though, you know, you're the one that came after me You came after me a Irish ping-pong players. Let's go. Oh my god. Let's go That's one of my point is is that you go weightlifting I can go ping-pong my point is I'll beat you in ping-pong I'll beat you in ping-pong you want to put some money on it George George

Let's play ping-pong then. Yeah, let me just say this okay You know that Frank Calliando is a master at ping-pong and we've I've beaten him before okay So your little red-headed mouth with your little fucking red lips Slits my little red lip slits. Yeah, you're a little red lip slits and when fucking vocal energy comes out of there It's fucking bullshit It's the same kind of diarrhea that came out of your asshole in Cleveland and it's coming out the other end first of all It's on a flight and it was it wasn't diarrhea. So that's where you went wrong. I threw up and let's just move on you've made up Just say I'm sorry

I'm I'm sorry that that that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that that got out. I'm sorry I apologize that that got out. I'm really bummed out because they were very cool people They're the best people in the business Why did you have to bring your little video game everywhere you go because I you can't leave home with that you can't leave home without that It's not a little video. It's called a switch Okay, yeah, and you're 50 48 how many 50 year olds do you know have a Nintendo switch? I don't know any you you don't know any No, I don't know you've got to be the only one. Yeah, let's see the statistics on that

How many 50 year olds in the United States have a Nintendo switch? There's no way there's a statistic on that You'll just say Bobbily. It'll go to my fucking six You know who has you know, it says your name is first Bobbily and I just could I was number two on there who jang me ran So, um, let me talk about the switch real quick. Yeah, cuz I'm honestly, I know I tease you a lot about the video game thing Does this really help with your anxiety and shit? Does it help you? It's not just this it's not because of a switch is I mean if there was one game that was not on it Then I would not play a switch. What game is on it? Stardew Valley

So if Stardew Valley, remember I was playing on the Xbox, but Stardew Valley Stardew Valley Stardew Valley If you do another Asian access that was an Asian that was robotic Stardew Valley. Oh, that's true. That was robotic Yeah, Stephen Stephen Hawkins Stardew Valley Stardew Valley. Yeah, okay. That's it. You have to go up Stardew Valley. Yeah Rest in peace. Rest in peace. What Stardew Valley? What were you gonna say about the Stardew Valley? You fucking pretzel You think they folded them up? You think if you're paralyzed and you die, they just fold you? They don't need a you don't need a long. Well, they could put you in a dwarf casket actually. Oh, yeah

Yeah, yeah, that's really good. Yeah, like if you know if Brad Williams dies They'll use Brad or Stephen Hawkins. He already has his shoebox picked out And he just had a baby, you know, you didn't have a little baby. Yeah, and the delivery was 20 seconds long Because all she does is queef and just fell on the ground. Yeah, and it was like a little thing like that. Yeah It's like a rice pot I love little people. They're cute. They are so cute. Well, his is hey, he's got half Asian He's got a half Asian baby. I know he does and it's his wife is Asian or she's she's no she's full Asian She's full. Yeah, which one is she? I have no idea one of the good ones. Maybe no no

For sure. What are the good ones? What are they? Yeah, pretty anything non-Asian really? No, no, but in terms of the Asians What are the oh? I think Japanese right? Yeah, aren't they the good ones for what? Cleanliness they're very clean best looking women. I don't think so. I really I would disagree with you Which is what's the best looking women Korean? I think you get to look at numbers, right? It's what probably China Filipino Filipina's a tie You know what you because I actually you know, I've always loved all Asian women I'm being genuine right now

I think all Asians have very pretty women, but I've never dated one because I was always I Was for some reason intimidated by Asian women. I don't know why I never tried to date an Asian girl But I always actually that's not true I hooked up with one Asian girl when I first moved here with you to use when she was at UCLA But we never talked really again. We hooked up one time was she Full Asian or half full. Oh, was it nice. She was awesome You know when if you did an Asian woman, I wouldn't be creeped out It's when guys like look like Mitch McConnell. Yes walking down the street with a 19 year old

What I hate that is that's fetish? It's not just fetish like cuz I was in Thailand and I would see like 90 year old X packs X Pats Pats not X packs or whatever and And I'd see 96 packs And they would walk down the street with like a 19 year old 18 year old young girl. Yeah, I don't like that It's so fucking gross. It's so gross like my brother's neighbor. I can't say his name. Why I can't is he a creep? No, but could they do business together and I love the guy. Oh, but he can't get any women. I got right now Is he ugly? No, he's he's like George, but with chunks. Oh, he's like a fat George. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah fat George is not so good

Yeah, yeah, it's skinny George ain't that good either. Yes, it is skinny George isn't bad. Well, he's getting pussy but it's like this guy could get it if he tried but he doesn't try so I guess his Dream is to go to Thailand eventually and get a wife Really? Yeah, does he do the thing where he orders them easy? You know, you can set it up online that when you get there. They're already waiting for you Could you do that? I saw a TV show all about it. Yeah, what I need to do is get me the top thousand Put them in a room if I was you know the top thousand Tie girls. Yeah, okay that you have available and you just get the pick. Yeah, and I could just walk around

That's sex slavery. What's your name? Right, and I go it took can I just call you took? No, it's took took I go fuck you and I'll walk by you know, I mean that's already it's already an issue Yeah, yeah, if I want to do one talk. Oh, you only want to yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then if you know, they're hot But then they open their mouth and it's like Chernobyl in her mouth. Yeah, I can't do that Yeah, yeah, it's like okay pass on that right Chernobyl in their mouth You know how sometimes they open you know, you're they're hot and then they open their mouth

And it's like one tooth one tooth here and the rest are like roots Don't like it You see that all the time. Well, I've been to Thailand in the brothels a lot. I probably had like would you ever have a lady boy? Would you be against it what You have oh have I yeah, I have not but would you ever do it? I when I was so I did this movie in Thailand it was called final recipe and Michelle Yao was in it. You know that is no She was in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. She's a big Chinese star. Yeah, that's fine

But anyway, Michelle Yao is like the Meryl Streep of Asia like she's huge really she's in crazy range Asians Yeah, she's one of the biggest actresses in that movie either. I Really seen almost no Asian films name another see parasite. Nope. Oh, you have to watch that keep going on name any Asian film I really I don't know the dragon noop Go ahead old boy Yeah, yeah, ask me a buddy. I didn't see the Irishman either. Did I hurt by the way? It's not Irish. Are you Irish? I'm Irish. Yeah. Yeah, the movie's all about Italians. Anyway, there's one Irish human in it But just because the word Irish I couldn't see it. That's why yeah, so you've never seen an Irish movie

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so anyway, I was in Thailand and The first night The producers go we're having a big dinner with the president of Samsung Of course a bunch of movie executives Michelle y'all at this really fancy restaurant First of all it took me 30 minutes to even get in because I had one shoe My slipper I couldn't find it why because I was running and it slipped off and I turned around couldn't find it Like in the hotel no in the streets I was trying to find it

You know I mean and then I was wearing like a kind of a wasteland t-shirt, but it had ripped So that my breast was hanging out right and I had like raw denim on but it was like ripped up And you didn't want to look nice for this night. No, that's how I dress did the draw draw a nice dinner The rod denim is $1200. I know but I know but but but you'd want to wear something like slacks to a nice dinner I don't know. I didn't know I didn't know much about I thought I'm in the movie. Okay, so I go to the front They go no no no no no homeless or something. Whatever And I go and I go I'm in the mood, you know, I mean and I had to have a guy go in there, right? So I I sat down

with also Not the king of Thailand, but like a part of the royal family and we're in this gigantic beautiful ballroom Yeah, and I sit down and and it's crossed from Michelle Yao and if you saw crouching high and hidden dragon They do like a lot of kung fu scenes were like jumping from rooftop to roof right tree to tree, right? So, um, I wanted to make a joke Right, so I look at Michelle you yeah, and I go hey after dinner. Maybe you can teach me how to Run on trees and she goes she looks me right and she goes that was why I walk Like I thought that that was like what she could do. Yeah, right. Yes

So then after that no one would talk to me So all the other tables around this gigantic table or all the assistants and all the younger people Yeah, so I just got up from the thing and I sat down with you know All the other assistants and stuff and that I could they could speak English and whatever, right? She spoke English too. I know but she's with these fucking old Asian people So she what was what was the language being spoken at the table English? Oh, that was the dominant language being spoken She's not Thai. She's from she's Chinese or something. Don't you guys all know each other's languages? No, I feel like you could just click on and

No, you can't do that But so I'm sitting there with all these young people and one of the producers of the movie gets up from the big table He comes up to me. He grabs my wrist to the point where he's leaving like mark. Oh shit, and he goes you being rude Oh the right and he pulls me back to the main table because he thinks you're being rude because you walked away Yeah, you were doing the right thing. I was doing the only thing. Yeah, you have to get out of there I had to get out of that. You had no business being yeah Yeah, so then I sat through this thing food was great Didn't say to anybody, but I knew and I had to be there for two months

What yeah, so these people had to get along with you for two more months. Yes, I'm like Jesus gonna be the worst two months But then I go but I'm in Thailand. I'm single Oh, right. So maybe two nights after that. I went to the lady boy district Just just a look two nights Yeah, because it's by the hotel three blocks from four blocks from so you go down to lady boy district What happens and I'm just kind of cruising. Hi, baby. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna come inside. Yeah, if they touch me I'm an American, you know, I mean don't touch me But do you think you get a better deal because you they know you're Asian

If they say no, no, they think they look at me the way I'm dressed all that that I have no money Really? Yeah, they think that I'm the guy that like steals sake But do you think they upcharge for for for white man? No, I think I think that they have these desires to marry a white man and They're gonna just like a pretty woman, but in Thailand, you know So the way you walk around I walk around I'm looking but I know that they have dicks So I know but in my head, I'm like, can you see that don't they tuck their dick? You can't see they're wearing like little short panties and some of them. I swear to god If the circumstances are right

You would Blowjob you got a blowjob. No, I would get one you would but you wouldn't do sex. No Because I don't I don't like asshole love Hmm. I never liked it. But the way that they groom it that I think it's supposed to it doesn't I don't like asshole love I also heard a story once. Have you ever had anal sex? One time with Kalilah No way. Yeah, she would let you fuck her in the ass one time Well, I first stuck my finger in there a couple of times. Yeah, I've done. Yeah, I do the finger

And I go up and down side to side to get some room going. I don't like it too tight You put you're doing like a yeah, like a crucifix like a crucifix like a crucifix and I did a pentagram I might have done a swastika So then I stuck it in there it was so dry Well, yeah, it was so dry. It's a butthole. What do you think it's wet? It doesn't get wet. It doesn't get wet I don't I didn't even come. I think I washed my dick and fucked her You washed then you went in. Yeah, you should have washed after did you wash after? No, I I stuck my penis in the dirt hole

Then I go I'm not into it. So I went and washed my dick and then I did vaginal sex Uh, yeah, okay. Yeah smart. But then what happened was um And I didn't know where to go for like to get regular women like a brothel Oh to get you were in the lady boy district. Yeah, but I didn't know where to go to get regular just a prostitute. Yeah So I didn't do it. I just but until one day I had Four days off. You know how like sometimes you're in a different country. It's a big stretch It's a big stretch and you have near you're not so what I would do is I would go to lobby And just sit there and drink coffee and the bar by the bar

No in the hotel lobby and then you just wait for someone to approach you. No, I would just sit there all day I didn't know I didn't know anybody really. Yeah, it was really sad. But then to I gotta say it say it to movie executives from the the asian Movie company. Yeah, we're there. They walked by me and they go Hey I go, I know you guys and they go. Hey, you want to And I go I already I didn't know what that meant

You know, but I just got up and I just followed them and they took me to this place called Amsterdam It's not an amp. It's a place called Amsterdam. Got it And you go in there and it's a restaurant at first. You sit there and there's a fat madame You know, I mean, you know that there was always a fat lady that no one would ever fuck but she runs the place Yep, and she's very funny. Yeah, and then there was like a all-female choose the pimp. Yeah rock group going Run it be run it be, you know, I swear to god run it be run it be Right the beetles. Yeah, they're beautiful. Yeah, yeah, right as a gentleman Right, and then um, and then we ate fruit

What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, because you're gonna yeah Yeah, I don't know. They just brought this the biggest fruit plate. I don't know why no, I don't know why Do you know that fruit makes your cum taste better? Oh You've never heard that before ate a lot of it. You've never you guys know that don't you? Sugar high sugar high sugar content makes your seamen taste better. Why that's why they did that? Wow, so i'm eating it and then um, I go I just turned it out go what happens And they go

Then we go to another room and in this other room Is football bleachers I'm not kidding you Like we're going to see like a game about to happen like a usc football game Bleachers, but instead of fans There's women. Mm-hmm. Yes, and they're all just lined up. They're all sitting there Like I was gonna do my one-man show, right? And I sat there and I go, how does this work? Do I just grab it? I'm what the fuck up and the fat madams there

Yeah, and she goes no you uh, look at the number So they have a pin And they have a number and then they have letters on the number. What yeah So and it you know like this is sex slavery. It would say 237 and it would say B 237 Come on And it would say um sm SM which means supermodel And they were higher right and then there was like they were more expensive. Yeah, it would say yeah

It would say zero v. V is what vietnamese. It's like pennies I Didn't make up the rules every human is equal. I'm just telling you what this place was like. You're just an attendee I'm an attendee, right? And they were hot. What's the difference in price? Between a v and a sm. I know hundreds of bot. Well, how much is a bot? I don't know But hundreds what is a bot? What a bot is their currency? Yeah

Yeah, but I think so is that what it's called. I think so I think our research people should do it not you tie bot. They work. They're done. They're not fast enough There's no way they're not fast. They're not fast enough. So then um, I would the first night I go um I'll take oh my god. I'll take 403 sm Oh, that's a good one Right and so they bring you down and then you they follow you back to your table where the fruit is And you have to kind of have like a conversation You'll find you know that kind of thing. Why do they want to talk to you? I don't know

By the way, 500 bot is only 16 dollars american. Yeah, so you paid 16 dollars for a supermodel. Yeah Oh my god. So then you go up to a room and then you take a bath Yeah, they want to clean you because you probably they probably think you have dirty pee pee No, that's what I thought at first But they think she went get on your Uh, don't you sit like I hand your knees on hands and knees like she wanted me to do like a Doggy style sitting in the bathtub where the nozzle was by my butthole Oh, and she goes, okay now

Take a soap and she poured the soap in my asshole and she would she would rub it And then wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She would pour soap in your butthole. Yeah How does she rub? What do you mean rub it? She's like this and then she the and then the water would go into your butthole and then she would scrub it With she would scrub your asshole with like a stick with like a no with like a like a you know, like a what a luffa or whatever Okay, and then she would rinse it and then she did it three times She rinsed your butthole three times more more, you know, which makes you feel Yeah

Which makes you feel like Right like they were bringing it in you like you do this for everyone, right? She's like most one You fall Okay, ma Right. So then so then she goes. Okay. She drives you off and she goes. Okay. Get on your stomach And you lay on your stomach And I I don't know What to do I'm just do you know, we when you go to a different country you just kind of you're trying to yeah

You're following your figure and following the rules, right? And I remember sitting there On my stomach and there was a gigantic clock Like an old-timey looking clock. You mean you're on your back or your stomach? I'm on my stomach on the bed now So you're laying face down on that and on the clock and I'm like, what's going on? She's gonna give me a massage and then I go, oh And she was eating my butthole Yes, okay, and I didn't ask for it And well, you did you let her wash your asshole three times. What do you think that was for?

I don't maybe I smelled down there. I don't know what it is. No, she was gonna. She washed my dick ones too. Well, yeah Yeah, yeah, so and then literally it was I'm not kidding you it was 15 minutes To as soon as it went click 15 minutes. She was done She just ate your butthole for 15 minutes. She went and that was what she just got off Did she tug on your on your pole? No, that wasn't the beginning. That's like the appetizer Yeah, my friend and so then uh She put a condom on me. No, she blew me without a condom. That's why they make you eat fruit She blew me without a condom

and then um, then she put a condom we had sex and then I Which ran into the two executives in the hallway and they did they Was like one of the like a ride of passage, you know She did and then I went there every single day For a month and a half every day

I would shoot and give me my per diem. Give me my per diem Yeah, and you'd probably spend what the whole course of the time you spent a hundred dollars Yeah, and the per diem was a hundred dollars in american money. Yeah, so yeah, right? So then I would take a moped And go and it got to the point where And I feel so bad about it. Why do you feel bad because I got to the point where I couldn't get I couldn't yeah I couldn't get hard because I was fucking so much Wait because you would go every day. Yes, and not only that I was hurting other women's feelings Because you know, I'm funny

Right. So I make people laugh in the room. So then when I'm in Go ahead. So when I'm in the bleacher room You're telling and there's a girl and there's a girl that I had four days ago that I had like a connection with And but I had to pretend I don't know who they are because I want someone different. So I have to go You know, like pass them and as soon as they pass them they go When they look down. Yeah, they get sad down. Yeah. Yeah, right God, that's all and then it got to the point where I one time I even said, I'll just pay you. We're not gonna do anything We're just gonna watch tv. Why you just were lonely. I just lonely. You want to just companion you? Yeah, that's kind of cute though

Yeah, you knew also brought there was um, but he didn't he just wanted to go for the experience. You should say his name Fuck it. He didn't do anything. All right He didn't do anything. Okay, you know, I went to Beirut and had a bra I went to a brothel in Beirut Yeah, and and they didn't do anything Danny Masterson and his brother went with me just to check it out Yeah, well, I'd go to look at it. Yeah, they didn't do anything and they just they just left But you did I live there. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, I got Yeah, I paid rent But like I went with the remember in the dark night

Of course. Yeah, the Chinese guy. Yes. Yeah, I took that guy to a to a brothel Yeah, but he just wanted to you know, he was one of the leads of the movie. His name is chin han great guy Yeah, and he goes um, he went we had the fruit plate and he just left He just wanted some fruit Maybe or he just wanted to I guess I think enjoy the fantasy. Maybe I don't know what why but you know It's kind of like going to a strip club though People go to strip clubs and they get blowjobs and they get tugs and all that stuff And some people just go to strip club because it's an like atmosphere. It's like a place to be

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like I don't really love going to titty bar, but I'll go to titty bar with friends But I don't really get dances. I kind of just I'll throw a couple bucks on the stage for hands Hands you guys hands is the best because um Hems is a product that I wish More men would use because you get Expert advice back in the day when you didn't I didn't have any money I just let my hair do what it did and my dick didn't work. You know, I had like chunks of hair

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offered value only if prescribed three month minimum subscription Additional restrictions apply see website for full details and important safety information. Remember. That's forehems.com slash bad friends Oh my god, where were we? I was in the saddest titty bar. I've ever seen in my entire life. It was so No, no, no, no, it was out of town. It was out of town and it was so sad. It broke my fucking soul Maybe it was in Nashville, but I'm not kidding. You dude. I got out a hundred dollars cash and people were like people were with We're like, I'm not gonna spend any money. I get a hundred dollars in singles. Okay. I'm not I'm not fucking kidding I walked into the showroom and I was like, oh

my god The mo and I mean the most unattractive people I've ever seen in my life dancing One woman had a tit that was regular tit And and then and then a tit that was like deflated Like she could only afford one of the boob jobs. I swear to god on my fucking life One tit was full and one was gone one had left One was one was out of cancer one went and got something. I don't know I don't one was out for milk and the other one was there. Yeah, and it was unreal, dude

I felt so bad. I took the hundred dollars. Yeah, and I'm not kidding. You jammed it right where the tit supposed to be I threw it hit her in the face as I get your other tit done No, I'm not kidding. Yeah, I politely put the stack of money on stage politely and I walked out I was like, oh, that's so sad, dude. It was already so fucking sad. Yeah. I wasn't even gonna pretend I put the money down I nodded and I smiled politely and I walked right outside of the park and I smoked a fucking cigarette and I don't even smoke I was so sad and hurt that I was like Fuck give me a fucking cigarette because you know these women, you know, a lot of them are just trying to go to college

But most of them Come to these strip these these jobs with all this trauma. Oh my god all this history. It's all it's sad It really is a sad. I don't like strip clubs. I don't go anymore But first of all, I just I'm I've never cheated on my girl any of my girlfriends. Yeah I partake if I'm if I'm single I will partake in cd activities Sure, but at the end of the day from now on in I don't go to strip clubs. I don't do any of that shit Well, look strip clubs are kind of sad. I will say this though. I don't feel bad for any of the girls in like Vegas Vegas is a They're playing you hard like strip clubs and anywhere else

It's kind of sad. They're kind of they usually come from a tough place and they have to like Do that to make a good living and like that suck Vegas those girls go there Willingly knowing they're gonna fucking clean house. There's girls in LA Who are actresses that go there for the weekend to do their thing and come back because that's how they pay rent They're playing people. They're making thousands and thousands of dollars. Vegas is not feel bad for me stripper That's like you just brought up something. I had never told this before tell it But then when I used to go to Vegas I used to see one girl You mean you would call her every time you went she was a prostitute. Mm-hmm. Her name was I'm not kidding you million

Million that was her name. Am I llio? Yes million million And it was she was so hot. Yeah, and so expensive white black Asian white girl white girl a grand She was one grand every time he had sex. Yes And in fact for the whole night to go out for the whole night. No, she would come up $1,000 come have sex and I'm leaving In fact, she's so hot that I was there in the palms ones And my I can't say his name but my friend he admits it But um, my friend Louie had no money Louie CK. No, my friend Louie Anderson. I can't say his last name

And I'm strong. I can't say it. Um, yeah buzz Aldrin I'll get it really Yeah, no, but um, and I went out went upstairs had sex with million came back down. He saw him. He goes I know that you just had sex with her but I have to have sex with her now too That's how hot she was and she would text me from time to time Um, tell me what she's doing or what movie she saw we had we're friends. You're still friends. No Because one night many years ago She called me at like three in the morning and she goes Bobby

I'm scared Like what's going on? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. And she and Bobby She's dead Maybe or maybe she her dog was she a dog was chasing her. Oh, yeah, maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe we should cut that out, huh? No Who knows what's gonna last in this podcast, right? We've been jumping all over the place. That's great No, it's been incredible, but I'm also gonna we're not cutting that out You're gonna leave that in yeah, but rest in peace million

No, honestly a million if you're around, um, yeah, please call us yet or just you know, please call Send me a message on my space because that's when I knew her. Yeah, man We're gonna start I want to start taking phone calls on the show. These guys have a bluetooth capability Yeah, so can we call million if we can get a hold of her? Yeah, I wanted to see if she's okay Yeah, yeah, because she was a nice girl. Let's let's say this because we need to clear our tracks real fast All right We respect these these women that work in sex work. I really genuinely do I know it's hard and it's and there's a lot of trauma that comes along with some some people not everybody

But some people have a tough go right, but I'm just saying I'm just saying Not all people come from the same situation. So it's not like all of these people go through trauma But a lot of it comes from tough places. So million probably was in a bad situation Yeah, somebody was taking advantage of million. Yeah, she was in a bad situation. Yeah, and I hope she's alive I hope she's alive too. And it was a very very long time ago and also on top of it um Is is that stand-ups too in many ways are similar to strippers Hmm in the environments we live in clubs because we're selling ourselves

Yeah, we're out performing and selling ourselves and we do it for free It was worse as if you're a young stripper, you could make a lot of money But as a young comic you can't but it's the same kind of environment And I was I always thought that a lot of comics that I knew had the same kind of backgrounds as strippers a lot of family stuff if you look at it like I got like big j orcerson or Or even a tell there's some things going on. It feels like you know, I don't know I don't either but here's how I'll make the comparison that you're trying to make Usually comics have some sort of trauma as a youth that makes them want to perform and be in front of people, right? Okay

Most comics no, I'll take it back All comics are addicts one way or another whether they're addicted to drugs alcohol performance Um sex money attention all these things. We are addicts end of discussion. Yeah, I had lunch with louis Howie mendell howie mendell and I go dude you work Way too much like you have 20 shows you're pitching and he goes because if I sit still I Remain with this and that's a scary and I can't be there Right, so it's like it's it's his work addiction is the same as how I used drugs and alcohol, I believe right Yeah, I mean, it's the same thing. You're

You're you don't want to feel You don't want to deal with what's really going on, right? And so, you know, you know This podcast should have been done three months ago, but I was going through my old ordeal Yeah, and I've been working on all that, you know, because I no longer I want to feel more and I want to be present more, you know, you are you definitely are for real Don't say it with that face because then it looks like you faked it. No, no, I'm not yet. No, I no I do believe it I think you're more I think you're more present that you have read by the way When you approached me when you told me what was really going on when we had a conversation

Okay, you know, we had a couple conversations when we had one and you really told me what was going on I was scared You were I just didn't know what was going to happen to you, right? I thought maybe you know, and you kept saying to me For the fans to know people were like, what was your show coming up with the show? the reason that the show got delayed was a myriad of reasons both my career your career and then your personal stuff and You kept saying to me the show is gonna happen the show is gonna happen I did I think you didn't get it that I didn't care about the show

No, I didn't care anymore. I understand this didn't even this means nothing And it bothered me Because you kept getting wrapped up in the idea that I cared more about the show I didn't care. Uh, here's why I wanted to make sure I wasn't let me fucking finish I wanted to make sure That you weren't gonna go down A real dangerous path because I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not gonna mention his name because I don't want to I don't want to slander him But there's a gentleman who's in comedy who's an extremely funny individual. You know exactly what I'm talking about

He's had a lot of struggles with addiction. He's come in and out and in and out He's had some extremely hard times and he is very funny. Yeah very talented recently. Yes. Yeah, okay So when I see those things that happen to people to our people our crew our crew. Yeah, I get fucked up I'm like, dude, this is not a it's not fake anymore. It's not this fantasy that it's all gonna work out. Let me scoot this bamboo closer to you Here's the thing When I said that to you, yeah Well, it was because I wanted to do it and I knew that that this is the right move to do

And I'm I wasn't telling you that I was saying it to you But it's my reminding myself that I need to get better so that I can do this, right? I understand. So that's what it is and um You know, I did I I wanted to kill myself And I got to that point where I was like I don't want to be here anymore You know, and then that thought

became really Depressing and scary to me. Do you really did you I'm genuine. Did you really wake up? And say I could leave and it won't matter. Yeah, you really felt that you felt I could go and it doesn't mean shit Do you not think do you not think about? Because I'm being serious a lot of people say when they go through depression or they go through suicidal thoughts Do you does anyone ever enter your into your mind anybody else enter your in your mind or no?

But you have to understand the state that I was in. Okay. I hadn't no you don't because I lost I gained it back But I lost 25 pounds in a month and you gained. Yeah, you did you gained it right back Plus a couple if I'm being very honest with you. Go ahead. No, but you lost a lot of weight. You did and you look good But go ahead Okay, I'm glad you're healthy. Go ahead Don't say go ahead the way. All right. That's fine. Go ahead. It's rude It's rude. No, you look good. Go ahead. Don't say go ahead again. I didn't say go ahead. All right, so I

Um, I lost 25 pounds. I could not eat in fact when I was in Portland at helium I I hadn't eaten in days and I took Steven Randolph and Chelsea skidmore To a nice sushi restaurant and I you know what I'm gonna try to eat with you guys I took a half a bite of a yellowtail sushi and I vomited on the table Holy shit, I could not hold anything food. Are you on anything? No, I was only weed, right? So that scared me too. It's like I'm only smoking weed. How come I can't eat and then all of a sudden I couldn't sleep. I would get one hour two hours a night If that were you panicking at night, too? Or were you just no, I just was just awake

thinking about my dad thinking about my relapse thinking about a myriad of things but then as The non-eating continued and the non-sleeping continued. It I became manic and I started thinking insane things Like what? I'm just gonna jump in front of this bus or you know, because you you're not giving yourself nutrients You're in this your thyroid is out of control and I was just in a space. I had never been to before right And a miracle happened. I ran into a friend of mine

And she goes you look like shit And I was telling her what it was going on Like I don't know what the fuck is going on because I can't eat sleep and I want to kill myself Doesn't that right and I'm using and she's like you guys see my therapist I saw the therapist and and as soon as I started talking about My past trauma with my dad The way that he beat us and all that stuff I was driving away from the therapy session and my hunger came back

Wow And so I ate three meals that night and then I sat there and I went what the fuck is going on There's something that has to do with my dad dying The history of how I grew up and my physical condition now and mental condition And so I went away to a place and I figured it out And it worked 100 it changed my life. So I have almost 50 days sober now. Um, I'm going to meetings every day Do you don't clap for 50? Yeah, but they didn't why didn't you guys fucking clap? No, no, fuck. You know, George. Fuck you, George. No, no, George, honestly

Fuck you, man John is high. John's a fucking ripped out of his head. Yeah He doesn't know where we are. He thinks we're doing just kidding news right now You know, John fell down the stairs twice. Of course he did that. There's four steps. Yeah, I know He fell down twice on the way up. He goes. Oh the stairs are moving I said, it's not an escalator John. Those are fucking regular stairs If there was four types of Asians you could fucking put down on a list Yeah, he'd be type number nine 100 they don't even exist 100. Yeah, it's a it's a medical phenomenon on this guy

He is made in a lab. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but my point is is this so You know, I know this is I got pretty serious real quick No, we still have some we need to get a little bit serious about this part of the show Is recollecting the mental health of you, me, our friendship. Yeah, because it that's I think that's the that's a huge portion of our relationship Yeah, yeah, because it comes in sometimes it gets all over the fucking place When you told me that you're I don't know if you want me to share it, but I don't yeah, you did when you told me that Your dad knocked your mother's teeth out of her mouth I saw it in my head and that was the cra- it was the most

It was the most real I've ever had connection to that. I don't know physical abuse For mom and dad. Yeah, but when you said that to me, I felt it because you're my friend But the most traumatic thing is not just even that it's You know when I was a kid and my mom got me a cat Right. Yes And she and I and I've never had an atom or a pet it was a kitten And this kitten I remember all summer long. I would sit with this kitten all day long and we would play

And he would purr And he was my friend. Yeah And the one day I came home and the kitten's gone Completely gone. I go mom where my mom goes we gave it away And then I started crying go why and then my dad goes Stop crying Right and then they came went in the house And I sat there where like where we put the kitten in the garage, you know, I mean where he used to live

Where he used to live and I just cried all day No one to talk to No one to explain anything to me. What about steve? steve was Really young he was like three because the gap was so big age wise for no just three years But you know when you're six or seven right and he's four he didn't get it He didn't get it. So it didn't really affect him. He didn't affect him as much as it did me

And they my parents did that with two other animals Why was so what it was a habit for them to take it and give it away? Yeah, why? Because they think that they can do it and then like a month later They don't know they break they break and then they just give it away because the responsibility or something. Yeah So then what ended up happening is um, I um, so but did you ever see where they went? Did you know where they went? No in the middle of the night? They would just take I would go to school come home. They're gone Did you ever but but by the third one skippy? Yeah, I didn't care

It was right. They were just desensitizing you because I didn't bond with skippy. Do you think what did you ever? Did you ever do you think maybe you guys? Maybe you guys ever ate him. Do you think you ever ate him? Do you think if you do you think maybe if your mother maybe she cooked him? A bro bro, even if that did happen, maybe I don't want to know I think you did If dude because that Would fuck me up that would fuck you up more in yeah, so don't why did you even throw that out? Forget I said it You didn't we did not eat them

But what was weird is is that but now you love animals because of that shit No, because in my in my 20s I my my buddy um Seth had a BB gun and I used to shoot kittens in the face with BB. Yeah, I did that shit. Yeah You're a serial fucking killer. That's what serial killers do. They hurt cats. I know because I I know I'm an animal lover, but because I know that they hurt me emotionally that I just became Desensitized to them so you would hurt them to get back at how you felt when you were a kid Yeah, and then what happened was when I met Kalilah now I have six animals. I know and I love them more than life itself

and um It makes and because I have them It makes me angry or about how what your parents did, but that makes perfect sense. Yeah, because I um So given that and the abuse and just you know at 12 years old. I did meth crystal methamphetamine And I did hard drugs at 12 and no wonder like I just survived. I had to survive. Yeah, and I had so much pain as a kid and You know my therapist and all the people that saw me in Arizona. They were saying It's a miracle that you even have can function

Yeah, because and and they said the reason why you could is because god gave you one skill set humor And you were able to create a career off of that And that's the only thing I know how to do. It's the only thing I did diligently and I did every day. Yeah, and um Thank god for that. Yeah, otherwise Who knows what had happened to me. I don't I don't want it. I don't want to know. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't want to know I could have been like the asian edgine You're right. Just like making like gloves out of human skin. Yeah, whatever. You know, I mean

Who knows? Well, you could have turned into a really bad That's what I mean. You're an inch away from being a serial killer I could have been but no because when I was born And this is gonna sound so cheesy and new agey but as a baby I was born an innocent Kid that needed simple things like nurture all of all of all that stuff But your environment is what fucks you up. That's my point is this is so my original self my original child who I am Is is that's who I am?

Yeah, but your environment fucked you up. I understand that but that doesn't that's not who I am Who what what God made me was this a good kid? I'm a good person. You are a very good person No, you are You're a very good person But you are you are You're a good person. This is a terrible guy So one of the worst people you're a terrible. You're a good person. Here's the thing. Why do we friends with him? You're a good person

You're a good person But you just call me for serial killer, but yeah I could easily Easily see you becoming a serial killer and I mean that If your picture popped up on the evening look right into your camera look right into yours and then do do smile Serial killer tonight on the evening news. I didn't know you're gonna do that Go ahead. Look at them tonight in the evening news ktla bobby lee found harassing kittens off the 101 freeway No having sex with them and lighting them on fire more on this at 10 p.m. Here's the thing is is that a lot of people that come from that

Trauma they've victimized Other people they do animals first and then they get to people. No, but what I you know when I say I shot One time I shot a cat with a fucking BB gun in the face. All right. That's fine. All right insane All right, all right fine. You're like a kid in my neighborhood We were this big this big heavy set kid who might have been a little slow upstairs. We don't we don't really know not You're calling retarded. No because he's not that's what you just said. No You he just said the kid was retarded. That's not what I said. He was a little slow. He was a little he was a little slow Okay, stop

Trump he was a little slow. You know what he used to do. He we would catch a like a river catfish like river fish You know like bottom feeders. Yeah, and he would catch them and he would take the hook up and you'd be like Watch this and he would throw them and smash them against the the brick wall Oh, terrible person. I know and and when I see his eyes sometimes and I shift to you and I see your eyes I see the exact same thing. It's harder to see but I but when I do see your eyeballs Yeah, I when I do can when I look through your tiny windows, you know what you are I can see that little that thing inside of you. You would kill fit you're the chief You're the chief of every fucking police police in the movies. Yep

Hand me your badge and your gut and they're trying to go they're trying to go But I didn't but I was saving the put your badge and big. Yeah. Yeah a piece of shit. We know what you did Yeah, that's you. I know what you did. Yeah Here I won't stand for it on my tongue. You're a villain in every movie, huh? Why don't you take your little Chinese tush and get out of my precinct? Oh shit? I know what you're up to Wang duck down Take your rice in your duck and keep it moving But I what I ended up doing is I victimized myself

You did yeah And I'm no longer going to do that anymore What's your what is your tip for people that might have that are going through bullshit and trauma and and stuff that they can't control What would your tip be? I'm not saying their trauma is bullshit. I'm saying they're going through a lot of bullshit What's your tip to these people that really need a little bit of an answer? Well, if you went through I mean my my opinion would be and it's obviously my Opinion is is that if you're going through some sort of if you had a traumatic childhood Abuse it's it's going to show up in your life

At some point and a lot of times it shows up in physical ailments Right because you hold trauma in your body so people that Have experienced trauma have more chance of getting cancer strokes. Is that true? Yeah, women that go through trauma as as a child sexual trauma have a thousand times more percent of getting raped Oh, right. Yes, right. Yes, right raped and all that stuff physicals like, you know Shortness of breath can't walk You know back aches neck aches because your body holds on to so much stress

Yes, and it creates stress and that shit needs to be dealt with and released and and um So I would say if you can and you and you can afford it go see a trauma therapist Yeah, you know and talk about those things do emdr Do all the things that you need to do because I'm going to tell you and and you know I'm the biggest skeptic in the book because I've been in recovery for 30 years and I'd been to so many institutions and I thought that this place was for loonies And I walked away from it going if that's a it was a life changer you look down on it initially

Yeah, because I didn't know what it was. I didn't even really know what my problem was and then I went there and um I feel like I was carrying around a Mack truck on my fucking shoulders And I feel so much looser and freer and the weight is gone and I'm so much happier. Yeah You look happier. Yeah, I mean, you know, you don't look physically better, but that's not that wasn't the problem with you You can't you still have the same you still you're still the same good old six It's so funny that you laugh it's you especially George Because let me say something right now. I picked you up when you had nothing Right John

And now he has a little mini empire and he's fucking like the emperor is not crazy that he's gotten so much And I said on our podcast. I didn't want to talk to about him or involve him and now he's already involved and he's snake He's a little He's a little snake his little giggles, right? He wants everyone to know. Yeah, because people know his giggles that he's in the room Yep. No more giggling friend. You're giggling. These are over. You know what? No, no, no I'm gonna we're gonna put we're gonna put we're gonna put a little lapel mic on him. Yeah, and every time he giggles He gets whipped at the end Oh, yeah, every time John laughs. He gets two lashings. Yeah

Yeah, how about a ruler and we? Yeah You know what happened to my my mom used to happen to my mom all the time in catholic school You know catholic school is like They they used to beat the shit. I mean beat the shit out of these kids. I'm not kidding like the nuns My mom would say first of all they would hit kids in the face open-handed And and and and when they when they'd walk around with the ruler Do you know this they would they would smack you on your arms until you would bleed with rulers

But how do they think that that helps because they're because they probably they're going through weird trauma So they're transferring it on to the kids. So they're beating the shit out of the kids because somebody fucked them up You you want to I know you're working on a baby. Yeah You want to see a video? No, no, no We have a homemade video But your anger Are you gonna my anger today was because let's let's tell the crew real quick what's going on Let's tell people that are here's here's the thing we didn't when we came into this today

We worked so hard on putting this studio together. This is a brand new beautiful studio It's incredible. Okay, Bobby gets to float in on a fucking cloud Like a video game character Like it's a fucking like it's a special power and he floats in and he first thing he comes in he's like This color is bad. Fuck this color. I don't like the blue. Oh, did you do that? I'm Joe Pecci And he complained about the shelf because George didn't put up the shelf yet because George was A bit rewiring stuff and we're we're falling behind on time schedule wise, but you you came in

And you were early which pissed me off It fucking pissed me off because I'm responsible. You're never early, dude I'm oh, uh, George. Am I early time out? What time did he tell you to be here three o'clock? No way. Yeah, you were here at 2 20. I know Because I had therapy and nc in seno. Yeah, would you want me to wait down the street in a car? Oh, I don't five seconds from here. So do I we live five seconds from here I was surprised that you were early it fucked me up

I was building a table and you came in and you criticized his face you turned me up The veins and then I realized he has little pop marks on his cheeks like edward james almost right But you so do you so first of all so do you when you use it face fucker you still have zits How about some propitia or something you still have it proactive you still have Propitia You still have zits by the way, I don't have any zits on my face right now, dude Take a photo of our faces and go to a fucking dermatologist and who has worse skin This is this is a scar from my youth. Yeah, because you pop pop, but the rest of my face and I don't wash my face

Fucking you still have zits. I don't have any zits on my face. Okay. Well, it looks like it It looks like you hold your whole head looks like a fucking boil. This is just red It's a red boil that they pop and a juice your whole head your whole head. Yeah looks like a like, you know the lemon head guy That's what you look That's delicious. Look this That's a racist on bobby lute. No lemon head. I'm saying lemon head the candy. Yeah, this is you And I'm gonna have a cop child and I'm gonna have that rage you cannot rage out on your child. Yes, I will Yes, I will you won't okay. You're gonna scar it. Let me tell you something

Yeah, you're my kid ready. Yeah, what happened? Um, Billy down the street. Yeah, he hit me on the leg with his with a baseball bat with what a hard bat or a soft bat That's no soft bat. Yeah, go get my hard bat out of the garage. Come on. Let's go. Okay. We walked down the street. Hey Do you hit him? Yeah, this is the 1950s son. This boy's life. This is fucking crazy. Take my bat. Take my bat now start hitting him back right now Hit him as hard as you can But I'm a girl. I'm your daughter babe. I don't it You gotta call me babe. I see you gender. Oh, you don't that's why I shaved your head

I was mad. You were a girl. Okay, so you're gonna be a boy now. You understand. Yeah, your name is mark So I just want you to be loving. I am gonna be loving. I'm gonna be very loving. I'm gonna be very loving I'm gonna be very loving, but I am gonna hit it. I'm gonna hit it I'm gonna teach it what's really going on. Yeah, you know how they say you let it cry You got to let it cry out. Yeah, if my kid cries too long. Yeah outside putting it outside I think you need it like for rage. This is my therapy You're my therapy. No, you don't need I don't have I went to anger stuff. I've gone to stuff Okay

Can I just say this normal people don't go to things like that's a why when I was a kid because I Because I got kicked out of every school I was ever in for fighting Because you're a rageful angry because the world is Fucked so I would punch kids. I used to punch people all the time. I loved it, but dude Let me say something about this guy. If you if I grew up with you, I would have punched you as hard as I could Every day and I would have probably killed myself then 40 years down. Well, then I wish we met then Wow, that hurts so bad But I want to say something positive. No, I'm kidding. First of all, you know, I'm kidding second of all

We wouldn't have grown up together. You're fucking 30 years older than me. Go ahead So and I believe this in a cosmic way, yeah One day I'm driving down the street with Kailah and her niece, Juliana We're like, let's go eat. Let's do something. So we and just I just let's just bowl. I have a bowl. I do you know how to bowl? And they're like bowl Okay, yeah, where's a bowl? I didn't know where a bowling place is So we google it. We drive around and then we find it

And I'm like, I don't know how to do it. They put me the shoes on. I don't know how to do it. And so we go and then we're bowl And I turn to my left and I see Andrew Santino his wife and some white nerd That's our slave. That's our slave. Your slave. We have a little white sex slave. Yeah. Yeah, in case we get horny And they're literally in the next lane over. Yeah, one lane over one lane over One lane over and I turn to him And to me, I just the odds of it, right? It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Do you want to know what you said?

What? Look at these ugly pieces of shit. And then you know what you did? You turned around with rage at first. Immediately. He was like, this is Andrew. This is what Andrew did, right? Look at these ugly pieces of shit It was crazy and then once you realized it, he went I go, Bob. Bob, right. And then he goes, let me bowl for you Bro, you're talking about A professional midwest. He does a fucking spin It was fucking incredible dude. It was so fun. You're so good at it. That was the universe that brought us together that day

Again, that was so funny, man. Yeah, guys. I just got back in the town But do you believe in stuff like that cosmic things? 100%. Yeah, I do. I don't believe in fate I think fate is bullshit because I don't think anything is supposed to happen to you. Yeah, but I think the universe makes things happen Coincidentally, I think things kind of happen and it's the universe giving you tips like, hey, this is a good. This is a good. This is a good This is a bad, but do you do you do you equate that to God? I don't really believe in God, but you believe in some sort of I believe in a user. I believe in the power of the universe I believe in the power of connection and people and energy

And something matches things together So yeah, I see that as God. Sure. That's what you say. I don't like the word God I know I I'm not saying Jesus I'm not saying a biblical God I know but God as as a God in the frame of reference of where you're taking it from is is from Christians Like you're thinking Christian God. I mean Zoroastrianism has a God I know but you were thinking of Christian God when I was thinking about Zoroastrianism You were thinking about Christian God. Okay, fine. So you're telling me you're really thinking about their reference of God

Or you're thinking about the Christian God Zoroastrianism. Okay. I believe it. I before before Christ if you say it I don't believe it. Yeah, I just have heard God my whole life from the Christian perspective Yeah, and I don't like the thing that they say I don't believe it's a white dude and appeared up there now Also, where did he get the clothes from? Exactly who made the shoes. Why would he need clothes? Where are the shoes can control the environment of how the temperature is? I don't like it. Like I don't like to put this face in the clouds. It's a white guy's old And he wouldn't be on a cloud. He'd be in like some sort of temporary chair that you know, I mean he'd be floating on tits He would have a bed of tits. Yeah. Yeah, that's the bed of huge tits

Yeah, or he you just he wouldn't even have need a body But why it's not even a chick. Yeah, it's not even a dude It's not a chick that whole competition with people like God is a woman's like God's first of all God is not human If God is real whatever you think it's not a fucking one of us. It's not no, of course not It's that fucking bamboo tree that I got for you before he has no judgments against gays or certain ethnicities Well, sure sure some some And definitely dwarves. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's like, I'm not gonna work on this one. That's just him having fun. Yeah Yeah, that's him having a good time. He goes this one's not done yet. Lordy goes. Let me just put it out there

See what happened, right? Yeah, and then the kid gets on the Game of Thrones And he's like, oh fuck that wasn't supposed to happen No And he's breathing and they're breathing with normal size. That's weird I don't like this at all We love we're friends with so many dwarves so many little people little people we're friends with inuits What I don't know any you mean natives what? who

Don't talk you fuck Who's in you have an Inuit friend? I don't know. I don't know Inuits are natives, right? They're natives. They're Eskimos Oh, we need to get you a mic so you can fucking handle we can do we got to get him a mic We'll have one we have to control it. Can we have a button over here where we can turn it off? Yeah, okay, perfect Can we just have a better looking sidekick? Than him. Yeah, well, let's get somebody like John's better looking How about just have are you gonna be here for a bunch John? You should how about this we'll just get one mic there

And then anyone can talk whoever has that you know we're gonna do for the next episode What seriously what we're gonna hire an actor or an actress off Craigslist and they have to talk through him or her So someone that we really enjoy talking to yeah Yeah, someone that's like cool and fun and they get the audition that person a hundred percent All right, but they don't get to speak they get to speak through that person Yeah, we'll have to get a camera over there and put it on them. Is that is that okay? I'm is that okay? Of course, it's okay. I do whatever the fuck I want. I'm telling you what to do Yeah, but is that okay? Okay, great

That's long enough, right? How long did we go? How long has it been? Hour 20. And a buck 20. Do we know what part of this episode that we like and which ones we hate? I like it all. You like all of it? Don't you? I think we reached a lot of good heights in fact to be very honest my old lady asked me What what the key points we're gonna hit on I said I want to do this scene. I'm not joking I said I wanted to see him with you and then talk about a little bit of the business stuff

But we didn't even get into some stuff I wanted to talk to you about And I wanted to know about Genuinely mental health and how you're feeling and you did it on your own which is surprising Yeah, I and we're and we're gonna make some big changes for the second and third and fourth and fifth This is this is our first this is our first in our lives. This is it. We're never doing it again Okay, enjoy this. All right. I'm not gonna do it again. By the way, shut up You know the secret episode? Yeah our secret episode. Yeah, so I have the file I'm gonna release it

But here's what I'm gonna do the one that we're not supposed to release. Yeah I want to I'm gonna I'm gonna raise money and then we're gonna donate all the money To what us? Yeah You know I think we're gonna because I think because you know Chris D and Yannis They did an episode or something and they're they put it if you it's really racist and bashes on people Yeah, not racist, but it bashes on other people Yeah, not racist, but it bashes on other people. We do and they're and people they they will reduce for a million dollars And some people are considering it that's here. They said who would have a million to do that

Oh, you're saying they have the crowd fund a million. Yeah to release it. Wow We should release it to like a special patreon I was I was thinking about I was like, but it would have to be it's you know, what have you listened to it? Yeah, is it racist? Yep Is it sexist? Yep Is it gonna get in trouble? Yep I'm not kidding. I have I have in my car in my center console There's like a slot for SD cards like there's all there's USB and there's SD and I put it in one day

I'm not kidding. Yeah, and the moment I started driving and I started listening to it. Yeah, I took it out I was like, oh my god, that's so fucking bad I remember driving away from it going if he releases that my career is over We talked about it right away. I was like, we can't do it. Oh my god You know why though because the energy that came into that room when we were doing it That was on an old studio in Hollywood. Yeah And your energy was bullshit when you walked in and my energy was really bad was pissed off Yeah, and it was too fuses and it was it was over one time him and I did one

An hour remember we did an hour. Yeah, and we stopped and we go we have to do it again We started over. Yeah, it was terrible We needed to walk away for a second. It was really bad because something was off Something was wrong. I mean, you know what that's gonna happen. Well, but I know what it was What was it? Be honest. Let's get this podcast. I don't want you to fucking okay Tell me the truth. You were being Trying to find a good word

No to be real see it. I know I want to find the word don't say I find the word you were being Brat there needs to be a new word for brat. You were being a fucking brat a little Entitled bitch. You were a bitch. You were a fucking cheerleader. You were a little cheerleader You're the top. You're the best in school. I'm Becky and I get everything I want, you know And you were and you showed up to the party and everyone was having fun without you and you were like get out I'm Becky, you know and you were a brat. You were a fucking entitled brat and you were acting mean and you were You were saying you were like poking at me Where are you going? Let's end it

Let's just fucking end it. No, we did good. Put your fucking headphones on You were being a brat I guess it's ended. You're doing it right now I'm Becky Fucking asshole. That's what you were doing. The voice though. I'm Becky I'm Becky Alright here This has been fine

Oh you don't think it was good? I think it was fucking awesome actually. I think it was really really fun I think it's a good start to this whole show man Yeah I don't know how we're gonna end it, how we're gonna start it. Bobby hated the music I put up the music that I had potentially. You hated the art, you hated the music You didn't want to call it red and yellow I'm gonna bring some stuff from home here

Yeah do whatever you gotta do To make me feel at home Oh you want to help out? Let's just end it Oh you want to help out on the show? Oh you want to help out on the show? This has ended From Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino

Bad friends Bad friends We'd like to say Goodbye Thanks for being a No Tata What do we say? We rehearsed it

Oh yeah Thanks for being a listening Thank you Thanks for being our bad friend Thank you for being our bad friend At this one, two, three Thank you for being our bad friend