Bad Friends - Rudy v Jessie
Episode Date: July 25, 2022Thank you to our Sponsors: Install Raid for Free ☑️ Mobile and PC: https://clik.cc/zkBWB and get a special starter pack 💥 Available only for the next 30 days 💥 & https://betterhelp.com/ba...dfriends & https://www.bespokepost.com code: BADFRIENDS & Head to https://www.viator.com to check out their latest website! Offering over 300K+ experiences you’ll remember and use code: viator10 YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 What People Do with Bobby's Glistening Body 6:46 Juicy's First Impression of George 15:26 The Ice-cream Salad 23:49 The Reason Why Bobby is Mad at Andrew 30:50 Bobby Is Not Nice to Chevy Chase 25:54 Jessie Can't Full Us 44:55 Bill Bellamy Doesn't Remember Bobby... Ever 51:14 Jessie Messes Up With Faizon Love 58:29 Fancy's Popularity Infuriates George 1:10:46 Rudy Starts Enjoying her Fame 1:16:34 The Most Insightful Question More Jessie "Juicy" Johnson Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson Twitter: https://twitter.com/jetskijohnson More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
RAID SHADOW LEGENDS! Bobby's playing it right now, as we're doing this ad. Have you ever dreamed of fitting
an amazing, truly AAA quality game right into your pocket, something you can dive into and play at any time?
Now you can with RAID SHADOW LEGENDS. I gotta tell you, the graphics on this are
bonkers. It was wild. They scored millions of champion combinations, master countless tactics as you take on RAID bosses,
dungeon runs, campaign battles, and PVP arena matches. You can build your team, develop your champions, and RAID your way.
Let me just say something right now, okay? The quality of this game is like a console game. It's so beautiful.
It's gorgeous on your phone. It's gorgeous. It's fun to play guys, and um,
yeah, I'm totally into this man. RAID SHADOW LEGENDS has an insane variety of bosses. Fancy,
what's your favorite? Yeah, Andrew, my favorite character is Hellraiser the Dragon.
Let's talk about how you guys can beat him. The Dragon got two main tricks, terrible breath, and a host of debuffs.
It has a skill it'll use every few turns where it rears up and prepares to breathe on you.
When it does that, a chunk of its health bar will turn purple,
dealing off damage to remove the purple part of the health bar, and it'll cancel the attack, like here, you see?
It's on top of that. There's some amazing
new characters, a new set of skins for the amazing Tundra Guilt Malat. Wow. They look incredible, and we can't wait to see them.
There's seriously never been a better time to get started, and if you use our link or scan the QR code right here,
new players will get a free starter pack worth almost $30 to kickstart your game.
We're talking a free champion Tyrell,
200k silver, one time boost,
one energy refill, and one ancient shard, so you can summon an ancient champion as soon as you get in the game.
That's pretty incredible, man. A 2k silver, a 1xp boost, and a one energy refill, and the one ancient shard.
That's right. What else do you need to know that bad friends want you to download this game and check it out?
RAID SHADOW LEGEND!
You two are bad friends!
Who are these two idiots?
Why, dude? You're an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
Who are you two or something?
We're bad friends.
Hey, Bobby's here!
What's up, Bo?
We're not starting yet.
I'm not my energy.
No, you're right.
Anyway, on the internet, my ass is glistening from the live show, because I put oil butter on my butt,
and people are going, I'm jerking off to it, or, you know what I mean, this is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
Two positive comments so far.
I'm jerking off to it and this is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
But the thing is, I feel like I'm being used.
You are being used.
You are being used.
Welcome to the internet.
Welcome to comedy.
Welcome to being a personality.
You are for other people's enjoyment and entertainment.
Yeah, but not in a sexual way.
No, no, no. Sex is part of it, buddy.
You are a sex object.
I want people to respect me for my mind.
That's why it's broke.
You're all body, baby.
You're all body.
Look, we hung up your thong behind you.
We had Bobby's mom on there, which was probably one of the greatest guests we've ever had,
other than our newfound family friend, Jetsky Johnson.
Give it up for the Jetsky.
Juicy.
Juicy.
Jetsky's gone.
Jetsky, Jetsky.
Well, that is her nickname.
That's her new name.
You don't like Juicy?
It's Juicy now, officially.
Do you not like it, or does it make you feel offensive?
I like all the nicknames.
I'm a big fan of nicknames.
So it's going to be Jesse, Jetsky, Juicy, Johnson.
So sick.
Yeah, that's it.
So sick.
For now.
Has anybody tried to create a nickname for you that you didn't like?
Like the C-word.
Yeah.
You're like, I don't want to call me that.
Did you say that?
No.
Sometimes people say, like, what do you prefer, Jetsky or Jesse?
Like, they're asking me my pronouns, and I'm like, you can call me whatever.
And then they're like, OK, well, why don't I call you a bitch?
No, no, no.
You don't call Jetsky a bitch, baby.
You're part of Bad Friends Mafia.
You know who named you Juicy?
One of you guys.
I did.
You did.
Juicy, baby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think Juicy is the move.
And we should introduce Juicy, our new family member, to someone that's on her way out,
if she keeps up her attitude, Rudy Jules.
Yeah, Rudy Jules.
Hello, Rudy.
I like Juicy.
Juicy's very sweet.
I know.
Oh, that's funny.
Yeah, but that's not...
That's not...
I like her angle, dude.
That's a good angle.
That's a really good angle.
He's smart.
It's a smart angle.
It's a Filipino angle, and that's how you guys survive.
You know what I call that angle?
The derte.
The derte?
Yeah, the derte angle.
What is that?
He's the present.
He's a terrible person.
Oh, derte.
Yeah, derte.
Yeah.
That's a derte angle, and what you're trying to do, I like it, but I see right through
it, OK?
You like her?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you like about her?
And she wore her bad friend's shirt today.
She's looking to not get fired big time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's been sweet. She showed up early.
Yeah, she drove herself.
I know.
Like, usually I have to drag her into the car.
She said, I'll be there prompt, prompt.
Prompt isn't...
Oh, you don't want to get fired.
Yeah, prompt.
Prompt.
I'll be there prompt.
Prompt.
Right.
She's not your competition.
No, not at all.
I'm not.
I'm just saying I like her.
Oh, defensive, defensive, defensive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you like about her?
You don't know anything about her.
You know nothing about her.
When I came in, she just, her vibe is just very sweet and nice.
Correct.
That is true.
Why don't you guys have a conversation then?
Right now.
I'm not good with conversation.
No, you have.
Your job is on the line, my friend.
All right.
All right.
So just, you guys were talking earlier about anime and stuff.
What the fuck, man?
We already did.
It's done.
We did.
I'm impressed with Rudy because you are, how old?
20.
Yeah, you're young.
And when I was 20, I was working at a smoke shop.
I dropped out of college.
How old are you now?
I'm 32.
Oh, ancient.
You guys look similar in age though.
You look so young.
You look so young.
Thank you.
Juicy looks so young.
Yeah.
32.
I'm only six years older than her and I look like I'm fucking her dad.
Yeah.
I could be your dad.
Yeah, on TV.
No, no.
If we walked into a restaurant and I was like, my daughter wants something to eat.
Oh, they would buy it.
100% they go, that's his kid.
I could be your grandfather?
Yeah.
Great, great grandfather.
Great, great opa.
Opa, opa, opa.
On TV.
On TV, yeah.
That'd be weird.
And then who would she be?
If that's our kid, then that's our what?
What?
Skin tag.
Made?
What would you say?
Skin tag.
That's our skin tag?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Like she looks like she'd grow on your neck.
Yeah, I'm like a backer.
And they're like, hey, get that removed.
I go, no, that's Rudy.
You can go to the dermatologist.
I go, no, that's Rudy.
You look like something I developed when I get skin cancer.
Why?
She grows on me.
Because whenever white people like me get dark spots.
When I get dark spots like your color, then I have to go to the derm to make sure it's
not cancerous.
You're my cancer.
Yeah.
It's like a benign.
You hope it's benign?
That's a benign.
You better hope it's benign.
Yeah.
Malignant's the bad one.
Benign is the good one.
You really watch anime, Juice?
I've seen a few animes and I really like them and so I was getting some recommendations.
She's obsessed.
Yeah.
What's the new one you're on?
We talked about it already.
Coggy.
Coggy.
No.
You're making that up.
No.
I said Coggy Osama.
Oh, Coggy Osama.
What does that look like, George?
Coggy Osama.
George is the only producer in the house today, by the way.
We're putting him to work.
Everyone's gone.
Coggy Osama, love is war.
That's sick.
That's a great title.
Love is war.
Love is war.
Look at that.
Oh my God.
What is that there?
That's a Coggy Osama.
Oh.
Now, who is that, Rudy?
I'm still watching the first episode.
So you're not watching it?
So you're not into it?
No.
I'm still watching.
I'm trying.
Wait, wait, wait.
So we ask you, what are you into right now?
Crocus shit.
Right?
You're a crocus shit, man.
And you go Coggy Osama.
It's fine, right?
But you're like, I'm still watching the first episode, which is you haven't seen it yet.
I'm already into it.
You're going to finish it, too.
Yeah.
Like every episode.
Yeah.
You watch it like you read a book.
Yeah.
Time out.
Yeah.
George, what are you doing?
You're in it.
You've been doing this for 30 years.
What are you doing?
No, legitimately.
I don't know what you're doing.
God, he's crazy.
I'm getting it loaded up so that it's right when you're done talking.
What are you holding up?
Uh, Coggy Osama, love is war, a 10 out of 10 anime.
Oh my God.
We weren't even going to do that.
It's not even a thing.
Let him do it.
Now we have to see it.
Here we go.
Oh, somebody else's review.
Oh, this is stupid.
It's like, just turn it up.
Just turn it off.
George Kimmel.
That looks good.
Juicy, what's your first impression of George?
Have you met him before?
Just now, we met.
Hey, remember, I book everybody who comes out here.
No, you don't.
She doesn't book.
Just so you know.
Honestly?
Just so you know, he has fucking zero power at all.
So just be honest.
If you want to be booked on anything ever, you ask Bobby or me, no power.
No power.
Just judge freely.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
But it goes through me.
Be quiet.
Be quiet.
What's your impression and be honest, please be honest.
And I'll know you're lying.
Just look at us.
Don't even look at him.
No need to be too honest.
George, I swear to God.
I think under these working conditions, he's really holding it together.
He's got a pretty hostile boss here.
He does.
But you know what?
Who's hostile?
You.
But they've been working together for 20, how many years?
Long time.
Over 10.
Over 10.
You just said that I was a hostile boss.
Well, you're yelling at him a lot.
Yeah, he does yell at him a lot.
I would be crying if I was George back then.
But here's the difference, Juice.
Here's the difference, Juice.
Yeah.
You don't get yelled at because you don't do that kind of shit.
He yells because George does that stuff.
You wouldn't get that.
Let me see something.
You're too good.
I found the boss at Home Depot.
Oh my God, yeah.
All right.
And I had an employer, right?
Taking the chainsaw and he's like trying to attack dogs, right?
As a boss, I would have to go, hey.
Cut it out.
Cut it out.
Number one, don't use that.
It's a brand new chainsaw.
Number two, don't try to kill the patrons' dogs, right?
That's the wood slicer, not the dog slicer.
Exactly.
Thank you so much.
And you would be the good employee that would say that.
Employee of the month.
You would come in and go, what would you say?
So I'd say, hey, and then you come from behind and go, what?
That's what you just said.
Oh, that's the wood slicer.
The dog slicer is all of five.
Five of five.
Exactly.
And you would get a raise.
The point is, if I didn't yell at that guy for doing that, then Home Depot would be a
difficult working environment.
It would be lows.
It would be lows.
It would be lows.
It would be lows.
And we just can't have that around here.
This has to be Home Depot.
Yeah.
This is Home Depot.
This is Home Depot.
Okay.
Did you stop?
Turn that off.
By the way, YouTube is going to have a cut ad right now that, they're going to run a
Home Depot ad because we've said it five fucking times.
All right, right, right.
This is what happens.
YouTube is listening so diligently.
That's why I'd like to say something to YouTube.
You guys are fucking bullshit.
They're fucking bullshit.
You know, they keep-
You guys are great at my favorite kung fu.
Fuck them.
No, it's Google now.
And you know what they're doing to us?
YouTube's great.
They keep taking away us.
They pull us out of the algorithm because we say crazy shit.
Well, don't say YouTube sucks then.
Maybe that's-
Let's just start there.
Let's start there.
Fuck YouTube.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't think they like it.
That should be the cover.
Should I do it too?
Yeah, do it.
Fuck YouTube.
Hey, YouTube.
What?
Hey, face YouTube.
Hey, fangu, fangu, fuck you.
Fangu, fangu.
Fangu, fangu, fangu, fangu.
Hey, suck it.
Suck it, suck it.
Suck it, suck it.
It's at the 10th regions of my fucking papo.
There it is.
Yeah.
Anyway, say something, guys, about YouTube.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, guys.
More of a Vimeo girl.
Oh, sick guy.
In your face.
In your face, YouTube.
What about you?
YouTube, eat shit.
Eat shit.
Eat shit.
Love that.
Then that's from the characters.
Well, you got a lot of shit from last night?
No, no, no.
I wasn't too bad.
What do you mean?
You got so much love on the live stream.
Yeah.
I think people loved it.
I saw one comment.
One comment is all I need to survive for like a full month.
I saw one comment that criticized why we actually never put my finger inside of your butt.
Why?
I said we never got a tip.
We said we would do it for $1,000.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He wanted me to put it my finger in his ass for $1,000 all the way, and then for 10 grand,
put it out and taste it, which I would have done.
No one had the balls to tip 10k.
Yeah.
Would you have done that?
If for 10 grand?
Yeah.
I mean, it'd be hard to say no.
Yeah, you couldn't say no.
So it's a lot of money that someone gives.
But I mean, who do we have some Saudi fucking prince watching the show?
Yeah.
Would you stick your finger on my butthole for $1,000?
No.
Well, let's play this game.
She's a decent human being.
You're a decent human being.
Okay, so 10,000.
I feel like any butt play is not great for my image.
The rest of my career.
We're at the end.
We're at the end.
See, we can just do it.
Our career is over.
Over, over, over.
Oh, I see.
So any butt play.
You're putting your finger in his anus you think is damaging to you?
You're in control.
You have the power.
Yeah.
How about you sticking your own finger in your own butthole?
That's different.
That's only fans.
That's only fans.
Yeah, that's a whole different thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what, you're right.
You're like a daughter to me, so I don't want you to do any of that kind of stuff.
Okay.
Would you eat things on the internet?
Like how about this?
What if we said, here's a bowl full of maggots that are alive and put some cereal, like
we'll put oat milk in it just to make it tasty.
Oat milk is delicious, right?
It's a live maggots.
Would you eat it for how much?
Oh my God.
It's 100 maggots.
100 maggots.
I have to eat all 100?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So many maggots.
How about 20?
Like 10 maggots is a lot.
Yeah, 10 maggots.
How much for 10 maggots with some oat milk?
10,000.
I'll do 1,000 a maggot.
That's pretty good.
Good man.
How about you, Jules?
I want to try frogs.
Yeah, she wants to eat the fucked up shit.
You know how much you would have crushed that show?
Frogs?
Yeah.
What was that show?
20 frogs in a bowl.
20 is fine.
But it needs to be fried, not raw.
Right.
Of course, we're going to cook the fucking frogs.
Yeah.
What's Rogan's show?
What was that called?
Fear Factor.
Yeah, you would have killed on Fear Factor.
It would have been so good.
There's nothing that you wouldn't eat.
What were they?
I mean, they ate a lot of like, you know, I don't even know.
It was like testicles of certain kinds of animals or the asshole of an animal, you know?
You know what I saw?
I saw a tweet the other day and I thought of you.
I almost sent it to you.
Someone goes, wait till pro-lifers find out about belute.
And I was like, that's incredible.
That's so true.
I thought about that, yeah.
Yeah.
Wait till pro-lifers find out about belute.
But pro-lifers eat egg, it's the same thing.
Yeah, but belute, it's developed.
Oh yeah, that's true.
It's like a fucking bird.
You know what belute is?
Uh-uh.
I'm figuring it out in context.
We ate it on the show.
We ate it on the show.
Tell her what it is.
Tell the tell her what it is.
It's like a raw egg, but inside there's like a baby duck and it's like a really good food
in the Philippines.
Look, there's a photo.
Oh my God.
And they eat that on the street.
You know how we have tacos and hot dogs on the street after a bar?
This is their bacon wrapped hot dog.
Yeah, that's their bacon wrapped hot dog.
You put vinegar and salt and it's really good.
You need it.
You need it.
I threw up.
I almost threw up live on the show.
Yeah.
And a lot of it has hair.
Yeah, I was just going to ask.
Is there like a leak?
Yes.
Yes.
The smell is unbelievable.
And they are still kind of, they say things like.
Damn.
Please.
Please don't eat.
Don't eat.
Please.
Don't eat this fucking one.
Didn't care.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Would you eat that?
I don't think so.
No judgment.
No judgment.
It's a cultural thing, but yeah.
Yeah.
So if you were in a country, different country and they had some sort of weird thing that
you know that the people ate, you wouldn't eat it, you would refuse?
My dad's always like, my whole life, you know, you should at least try something once,
you know, with food and stuff, but like there's certain things that I just don't sound good
to me.
Like, you know, this sushi with the egg on, there's like some kind of sushi.
Like uni?
You mean uni?
No, no, no.
What's it called?
What's it called?
What's it called?
It's called.
It's called.
It loves it.
So it's just an egg, right?
I think so.
Like raw egg or something.
I don't know.
There's some of that stuff that I'm like, I could maybe do it without trying it.
Yes.
An egg.
Like that.
You mean the yolk of an egg?
Yeah.
There's some uni down there with the egg yolk on.
Like, you know what that is, that the little red stuff is, it's raw.
Fish eggs.
Yeah.
Will you eat fish eggs?
Isn't that what caviar is?
Yeah.
Yeah, you already ate it.
You already ate it.
Yeah, I already ate it.
You ate it already.
Those are just bigger ones.
I don't know.
Yeah, I should be more adventurous with things.
Sometimes you just get set in your ways.
What's your ways?
Like what's your go-to meal?
Yeah.
Salads.
A lot of salads.
That's what lately I've been trying to be like just be healthy and be consistent
with food.
Salads.
But then occasionally like pizza.
Pizza's so good.
Yeah, yeah, pizza's good.
Yeah.
I fucking hate salads.
I eat them only because I know I'm supposed to.
Otherwise I would never fucking eat a salad ever again.
Salads fucking suck.
It depends on what it is.
I don't give a shit what you put in there.
I like when they have candy things in it.
Fucking sucks.
Give me a fucking sandwich.
Like candied walnuts with some cranberry.
I like that kind of stuff.
Then it's not a salad.
At some point they're putting some.
And ice cream?
Remember the ice cream salad?
Ice cream salad?
Oh, that's right.
We had ice cream salad.
Well, that's not salad.
No, it is salad.
It was a fucking picture.
No, no, no.
Stop, stop.
Just let me describe it.
Can I describe it?
Thanks, bud.
Back on the right track.
You see that?
Yeah, we're back on the channel.
Because we had it together, right?
Yeah.
It was in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Yeah.
Really nice restaurant.
Mm-hmm.
Beautiful salad, right?
On top of it is a feta.
Right?
It's like a goat cheese.
Mm-hmm.
A goat cheese ice cream.
It's cold and it's an ice cream.
It's literally ice cream.
On lettuce.
On lettuce.
No, thank you.
Oh, fucking.
Candied walnuts?
Yeah.
Cold.
Ice cream has no business on salad.
I saw.
Ice cream has.
It's so good.
That's all it took?
I mean, that's convincing.
Are you sold?
I'm telling you, I took a scooter every day to go get that.
Get the fuck out of here, you guys.
Lettuce has no fucking business being with ice cream.
Yeah.
I'm telling you right now, dude, it would blow your mind.
Check this out.
Chaka, chaka, chaka.
What would it be like without the fucking salad, just the ice cream?
Pretty good.
So what do I need this salad for?
Because they work well together.
They compliment each other.
How is that?
What kind of lettuce is it?
And so we opened with that.
You know, usually ice cream, you close with it.
That's an opener.
We open with it, with some, you know, bake, you know.
What was the middle?
Who featured?
A featured, what would we eat?
Deer or something?
Yeah.
And who was the closer?
The closer was like.
Who was the heather?
Some ribs.
Like creme brulee or something.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I don't usually eat dessert, so I forgot the dessert, but yeah, we had a rib brulee.
Why don't you eat dessert?
What are you talking about?
He ate ribs for dessert.
Fucking moron.
My dad calls them pig sickles.
Pig sickles.
That's so good.
That's so good.
Pig sickles.
Your dad is the fucking man.
Where is your dad?
North Carolina.
That's right.
When I feature for Polly coming up next week, I'm going to visit him at the end of the
tour.
Are you doing good nights?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Raleigh.
Have you done any dates with Polly yet?
Yeah, in Vegas.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was fun.
We talked about it right, right?
I don't know.
Yeah, last time we talked about it.
Dude, so funny.
Polly came into the store the other night, and he was a pop-in on the pop-in sheet.
Yeah.
And I was doing Tiger Belly.
I was doing Tiger Belly live.
Yeah.
And he's like, what's up, bro?
And I was like, hey, man, I got to be honest with you.
You can't jump me.
Like I love you, but I have to go do Tiger Belly with Bobby.
I'll be late.
If this happens, this will fuck up everything.
Yeah.
He goes, you're good, dude.
You're good.
And I go, also, I don't know if you want to go next anyway, because Argus, I'm not exaggerating.
Argus threw up all over inside the green room bathroom.
What?
Wait, listen, for people that don't know, Argus Hamilton is one of the most legendary comedians
at the comedy store.
He's the fucking man.
He opens up the show.
He has new shit every single time I see the dude.
He's an OG.
Respect.
Yeah, I love him.
Respect.
I love him.
Argus says to me, I'm not kidding.
He goes, oh, man, I'm sorry.
I threw up all over the place.
And I was like, are you sick?
He goes, I don't think so.
I think it's from the Carnies hamburger I just ate.
You ever had one of those?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like, Carnies the train on Sunset?
The hot dog place?
Yeah, yeah.
No, I've never had a hamburger there.
He's like, well, don't do it.
Dude, he puked all over the green room bathroom, poor guy.
And then Danny made him take a COVID test, because Danny was like, nervous.
He was like, why are you, how do you not know if you're sick?
Yeah.
Because Argus was like, I don't think I'm sick.
And he's like, what do you mean?
What does that mean?
He's like, you would know what's going on.
So Danny went and got him a fucking COVID test and made him take it.
Yeah.
And I told Polly that.
And he was like, really?
I was like, I'll wipe down the mic before and after.
It's a fucking circus.
It's a fucking circus.
Yeah.
Argus saved my life.
Did he?
Yeah.
He got me sober the first time, one of the guys.
He's been sober for how long?
40 years?
Yeah, it's crazy.
But although I can't, if he's speaking at an A meaning, I have to leave.
I have to leave.
I have to leave.
Why?
I can't do it.
Does he do jokes?
He does his act.
And then it's like, he does his act.
You know what I mean?
It's tough.
It's tough.
Because he starts, you know, he'll say something like, yeah, me and Sammy Davis, Davis, Jr.,
you know, we used to, you know, he told me this one joke at a cafe and it's like, yeah,
but we're trying to get sober.
Yeah.
Just make me want to get fucked up.
Yeah.
I'm not the sobriety.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But he's a good man.
He's a good man.
He's a good man.
He's a good man.
I don't want to, you know what I mean, he's got to come, because he didn't talk to me for
two years.
Okay.
Yeah.
Because I don't know, one night I had to follow him and I was in a bad mood.
And I said something like, you know, runner plus for the old bitch with the wig.
Yeah.
That would make something like that.
Something like that, right?
Yeah.
And I'm on stage.
And I could see him in the back, just, you know, just his silhouette, just kind of like...
Takes off his wig.
God damn it.
I mean, it was just like, I felt so bad.
Yeah.
Why would you say that?
I've said so many bad things.
By the way, he doesn't have a wig.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I don't know what the joke was.
It was mean.
It was mean.
Right.
And now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp.
Hey, man, we've talked on this show pretty openly and candidly very often about mental
health awareness, about getting help.
If you need it, BetterHelp is, of course, online therapy that offers video phone and
even live chat sessions.
You don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.
How well would you take care of your car if you had to keep the same one your entire life?
That's how our brains work, Andrew.
Yeah, it is.
So why don't we treat them that way?
We should.
We really should.
There's plenty of ways to support a healthy brain, like learning a new language or taking
power in apps.
But there's also BetterHelp online therapy that helps.
Yeah.
I actually use BetterHelp online therapy.
I love it.
It's changed my life.
You can be matched with a therapist in under eight, 48 hours.
It's more affordable, like Andrew said, than in-person therapy.
Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Bad Friends.
Get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Bad Friends.
That's better.
H-E-L-P.com slash Bad Friends.
Be SpokePost.
I love Box of Awesome.
So do I, man.
It's a box that has all your little favorite things.
Yes, it does.
To get started, all you have to do is go to boxofawesome.com and you take a quiz.
But it's not really a quiz.
There's no wrong answers.
What you tell them will help them pick the right box of awesome for you, and they release
a new box every month across a ton of different categories.
Honestly, they're the best for gifts.
They are the best.
Birthday, Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Martin Luther King Day.
That's one of my favorites.
Yeah.
Labor Day, Memorial Day.
By the way, that's where Rudy got her for her original set of knives was from the outdoor
collection box from Box of Awesome.
Plus, with each box of awesome, you're supporting small businesses.
90% of everything that comes in Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand.
That's cool, because every box is valued around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that price.
You have to check it out.
It's free to sign up.
You can skip a month or cancel at any time.
What's your favorite box?
Scorch.
Oh, yeah.
I love hot sauces.
And they're all from...
Small brands, right?
All over the country.
All over the country.
Texas, Nevada, California.
Even right here in California.
You know what I love.
And more.
What?
Carnivore, baby.
That's right, baby.
You're a big guy.
That American barbecue rub in the Carnivore box.
My great American spice company in Rockles, Michigan.
What's your favorite box?
Which box is your favorite?
The slash box.
Slash box.
Yeah, that's right.
You're such a sicko, man.
You're nuts.
But the knife in the slash box is made from bare bones based in Salt Lake City.
So go to boxofawesome.com and use that code BADFRIENDS.
Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the
code BADFRIENDS at checkout.
That's boxofawesome.com.
The code is BADFRIENDS.
What do you...
You said anything mean?
That's a good rule.
That's a really good rule.
But when you're one of the headliners on the list, here's our rules at some point.
If I don't know you well, I don't talk anything about you.
That's probably smart.
I don't like this idea that people say stuff when they don't really know somebody.
It's like, what the fuck is that?
You don't know that.
You don't know how they're going to take it.
My rule is always like, him and I, it's no rules.
There is a rule, and I'm going to tell you something right now.
You did this thing.
And I'm going to do it every time.
You did something the other day that made me so fucking angry.
It crushed.
For you.
It crushed for me.
For you.
So good.
You did your set.
I had a really good set.
I had a really good set.
Then I gave him an incredible intro, and then he came out and I just kept coming back out
on stage.
No, no.
That's not it.
That's not it.
He just walked through the fucking crowd.
Yeah.
So I'm on stage doing my jokes, and he's walking around the crowd and people are cheering him
on.
He left the building.
I'm like, okay, I'm going to go into my act.
He runs back in, right, and everyone's cheering, and in my head I'm like, if he wasn't like
a guy that I loved, I might kill him.
You would do this to me.
You would 100% do that to me.
Not when you're doing your joke.
That is not true, Bobby.
Not when it's your turn.
That's not true.
Because when I'm in the OR, you've come back up on stage and fucked around with me when
I'm in the OR.
You've wanted that.
You've asked for it.
I didn't ask for it.
Oh, cut it the fuck out.
Hey, you!
This is an agreement you and I have for the rest of our lives.
No, that's your agreement.
I want to create an agreement.
Okay, go ahead and create one.
Right.
You're allowed to do it after you say my name, right?
First ask me first, before.
Never.
Okay, that's not the agreement then.
Well, it's the one I'm making.
I know.
Would you would negotiate this?
I wish you guys would do more back-to-back spots at this store.
I like stuff like that.
Why?
Because we're friends and it's fun.
We're friends and it's fun.
Yeah, it's exciting.
It's live theater.
Marin brings me out the same way.
I've told you this every time.
He goes, try to be friends with this guy.
We hung out once.
It didn't work.
Andrew Santino.
He does it every time.
Wait, I try.
Every fucking time.
I tried to be friends with a guy.
He goes this next guy.
He's all right.
Do you think he's maybe trying to see if you ask him to hang out more?
Yeah, it's 100% what he's doing.
I think so.
No, Marc is a sweet.
He has become a good friend.
I love him.
He's just so funny about hanging out.
He's like, why don't you ask to go on hikes?
I'm like, I'm squeezing in things during the day.
I don't have huge gaps of the day where it's like I can make my way over to his house and
drink coffee and play with cats and go hike.
I don't have a lot of time.
He loves cats.
Don't shame him.
I didn't.
I just said I didn't want to play with him all day.
The man loves cats.
He's allowed to love cats.
I love the guy.
He's got eight of them.
He loves them.
He brings me on the same way though.
He always goes, we tried to be friends.
We hung out once.
You should see what he used to say about me.
What would he say?
I can't even say it.
Say it and we'll beep it.
No, it wasn't the stuff that you can believe.
It was just kind of just so mean that I had to go afterwards one night.
This is before I was, I'm very good friends with him now.
Yeah, he's the best.
I love him now.
What happens?
In fact, when he does Largo, he always invites me to open and I just love him and he's family.
But 12 years ago, he would say, this next guy, he's a dancing clown.
He needs to give you energy and an attitude to get laughs.
Not really good joke writer.
How much of that do you think he meant?
All of it.
How much of it?
I didn't know him.
Did that hit home for you?
I would just be rage tears in the back.
Would you still get out there and dance like a clown?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's my talent.
That's all I know how to do, you know what I mean?
That's the thing, because you're watching it going, it's true.
I mean, it's mean.
It's mean but true.
But true, right?
That's Mark.
Mark is mean but true.
You mean true.
Yeah, I could say things about him.
You know what I mean?
Go ahead.
He gives no energy to you.
Yeah.
No on stage.
He gives no energy on stage.
He's bitter.
You know, angry.
I mean, I could say things but I don't do that.
He's a legend.
I say the good things.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I have give great intros.
You'd give some of the best.
The best in the world.
You've seen a lot working at the store.
Who gives the worst intros?
Oh, my God.
Wait, can I defer and tell you some of the crazy that happened last night?
Yeah.
The AC was out in the original room.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's it.
It's 94 degrees last night.
So hot.
Yeah.
I was just throwing, which did nothing.
And in the middle of the show, like five comics in, I should say, Greg Fitzsimmons was
on stage and a lady stood up in the back and said, my husband, he's choking.
I need a doctor.
Can someone get a doctor?
I know.
I love it.
And then I'm working the room and I know our security Joe's an EMT, so I go, Joe, Joe,
Joe, we need Joe and he comes in and we clear it.
And also we're thinking, how's he choking?
We don't serve food there.
There was no food.
Yeah.
He wasn't choking.
Kaylee, who plays the piano, before we figured out what was happening.
Kaylee Chase.
Kaylee Chase.
She tried to give him the Heimlich maneuver and two people yelled out, you're too weak.
No.
And then choking.
Really?
Yes.
This is in the middle of Fitz's set.
The lights come on.
What's Greg doing?
Greg, I already respected Greg a lot as a comic.
I respect him so much more now.
He was like, okay, everybody, let's just stay calm.
Let's give him some room.
Everybody just stepped back and then they said, okay, yeah, it looks like he's breathing
out and people started clapping.
He goes, let's keep the energy down.
Like he was like controlling the room, keeping things light, not trying to get laughs like
during this guy.
That's really nice.
That's really nice.
What a gentleman.
One of the best comics in the country.
Yeah.
And then Joe got him out.
He was, the guy was fine.
I think it was just he'd exhausted.
He got him out to the patio and then Greg got the show back rolling and then brought
up Moshe.
Moshe Cashier called 9-1-1.
It was like all the comics.
All the comics were saving this guy's life?
For backstage.
Moshe was about to go up next.
So he's huge.
Oh, wow.
Another great guy.
They were all helping this guy.
With Kaylee Chase.
Can I just say something embarrassing that happened?
Sure.
I love Kaylee.
I love Kaylee.
Fitz.
At the telling.
I was calling Fitz because I wanted to hear his story.
So I love Kaylee Chase.
Right?
The pianist.
The pianist.
I adore her.
Is she permanent now or are they still switching with the other, with like, they have three
keyboard players.
Yeah.
Are they all still rotating?
Uh-huh.
But she's like, she's also not.
I didn't know who her dad was, right?
Sure.
So one day.
You know who her dad is now, right?
Yeah.
So one day.
Oh, I know.
This is because of the story.
Chevy was, Chase was on stage.
Chevy was Chase.
Chevy Chase was on stage and I didn't, he was eating it.
I mean, that's just point blank.
And I was at the cover booth.
What do you mean?
He was bombing?
Yeah.
Nice.
And I was at the cover booth and Kaylee's behind the counter and I got this fucking
fuck face.
Oh my God.
This fucking idiot.
She goes, he's my dad.
I go, oh, anyway.
What am I up to?
You were shitting on Chevy, Chase?
Oh my God.
Fuck you.
Why?
Why would you audibly be like, this fucking loser's eating shit?
I didn't say that.
I didn't say loser.
You're playing.
You're putting words in my mouth, I go, this fuck face.
Okay, fuck face.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I said fuck face.
I apologize.
Right?
I was, you know, I was, cause I showed up and I'm like, he wasn't on the list.
You know, you know, and then he, after his set, he didn't even bring me out.
He just walked off stage.
My point is, is that, you know, I mean, I, you know, you should watch, I should watch
my mouth.
Yeah.
I see things and I, you know, regret it all the times.
He's a legend.
He's a legend.
Guys do that all the time though, when they come to the store and they don't know the
rules about bringing up somebody, they just walk off.
That happens all the fucking time.
All the time.
I hate it.
And you, and then you got to go out there and be like, hey, and it's so uncomfortable.
Oh no, not anymore.
Paul Rodriguez did that.
Paul Rodriguez two weeks ago did that.
And he comes up to me and goes, Hey, bro, can I go before you five minutes?
I'll do five minutes.
And I go, okay, right?
22 minutes in.
Yeah.
He's still on stage.
And I'm looking at him and I'm like, you know, like, you know me, I fucking told you.
Like a little bitch.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
And he just walks off stage.
He's supposed to bring me on.
Right.
And for a second, I'm like, should I just run up there?
I go, no, I go, Paul comes to the side and I go, get back up there.
I yell at him and say, and bring me up.
Right.
And he did it.
But my point is that normally back when I was younger, I would just do it.
I would just go up on it, but no more.
No, I had to fight for my right.
You got him right.
You do your job.
Do your job, bud.
You know what I mean?
I don't care who you are.
You're a legend.
I get it.
I get it.
I get it.
But please do your job.
Who's allowed to do that to you?
Just walk off stage.
Martin Lawrence does it.
Yeah.
I let him do it because he's more.
I love Martin Lawrence do it.
Who else?
I mean, Chappelle or Bertha, they bring you up.
They know the rules.
They know the system.
They know the system.
Yeah.
But yeah, Martin does it.
It's done it nine times to me.
But I don't know.
But I already know he's going to do it.
So you're prepared.
So whenever he's before me, he's always before me.
He always brings me up.
Yeah.
I don't know why they do it like that.
They put, you know what I mean?
Anyway.
Emily told me she likes to watch you kind of scramble.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's why.
So whenever he's on stage, like when I know he's done, I'm always pacing like, how do
I do it?
How do I do it?
How do I do it?
It's something funny to do.
Not only that.
Or I always hope today is the day.
But he's going to.
He's going to.
Yeah.
I think today is the day.
Oh, he's putting the mic.
He's leaving.
He's gone.
He's gone.
He's gone.
Right?
He's gone.
And then I run up there and it's, oh, never.
I was, it's never, it's never good.
I was going, anyway, I was, I'm Bobby Lee because you have to see where you are.
And they go, all right.
All right.
Right.
Yeah.
We know you.
Yeah.
Movie, a real movie, bonafide movie star.
So yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
It's really sad.
It's so sad.
Yeah.
Is he still, is he, he's back doing shows again here?
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, every once in a while, right?
He's still coming.
Yeah.
I haven't seen him at the store, but it's always, sometimes the nights you're not working
and then they text the group chat.
They're like, oh my Lord is here.
Yeah.
I wonder if he's doing that.
He was doing that wet pussy joke.
It's like a 10 minute wet pussy joke.
You know, can I just say.
Have you ever heard it?
Yeah.
He's literally 10 minutes on wet pussy.
I'm not, I'm not exaggerating.
I'm not even remotely.
It was good when he was in his young, when he was young, it was funny.
It's a little weird now.
Yeah.
He's 60 now.
Yeah.
It means I love wet pussy.
And you're like, and you're like, and you're like, don't you have children and a family?
It's weird to hear him say it because he goes on and it's a lot of metaphors and analogies
about wet pussy.
And at first you're like a champion, like the song WAP.
You're like, hell yeah.
Yeah.
It's as if WAP was like 40 minutes long.
By the end you'd be like, this is a lot of wet pussy stuff.
Yeah.
I support big wet pussy supporter, but also I don't need so much time about it.
It's a lot.
And he did a bit about like, I like it when they spit on my dick.
Yeah.
He does a lot of that stuff.
Yeah.
And it's just like, ah, yeah man.
No, I love it.
I love it though.
No, I love it.
I like it too when they spit on your dick.
Yeah.
And you, I like it.
Don't you like it?
There's a humor.
There's a little degrading.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're their bitch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That on your little penis.
Spit on it.
Okay.
Anyway.
But Marty, he's a good guy.
No, he's a great legend.
Great comic.
Okay.
So tell me, who does the worst intros?
Oh God.
This isn't you being mean about that.
So what you did, what I loved about what you did though is you, because it's an uncomfortable
question.
And when he asked you the first time, you diverted, you diverted to the great fits, but you can't
fool us.
We were, we're always going to go back to, we were always going to go back to.
It's a hard question because all that last night was so crazy.
And then I didn't get home till like two a.m.
You're diverting again.
You're really diverting.
Really ducking.
Really ducking as well.
Have you guys ever been in a situation where someone passed out during a show?
She's so, she's so good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I've never seen any, like I've heard of stuff like that happening.
Yeah, but you guys have it around so well.
Yeah, we've been around for a long time.
You're a professional dude.
Do you see?
I'm telling you right now.
Already, dude.
Already.
You were already a part of the family.
You know that.
You got a lot of followers.
New followers on Instagram, right?
Did ya?
Yeah, it's crazy.
Yeah, how many?
At least like five thousand.
Yeah.
And it.
Even more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more
and follow her.
But let's go back to the questioning.
Oh, go back to the question.
Yeah, lawyer, please.
Question, have you guys ever seen anything like that
when you were on stage?
What, seen what?
Like while you're on stage, somebody pass out,
whether it becomes real and you have to handle it.
I saw a guy drunkenly fall forward and smash his head
on a table and split it wide open.
Jesus.
I was in somewhere in the Midwest, I can't remember.
But I, you know what's so funny?
You know when you watch something, I watched it happen.
Like I knew it was coming almost.
You know when you notice that you're like,
watching in slow motion, I watched him kind of stumble
and my brain literally like preset it.
My brain was like, that guy's gonna fall
and hit his fucking head.
And sure enough, he like tripped over a chair
and his head hit right on the corner of the table.
And it fucked my whole show up.
I was right in the middle of a good fucking bit.
And so I said, don't help that guy.
Let him fucking bleed out, I have to finish this bit.
No, it was so fucked up, I felt so bad.
I mean, he split his head fucking wide open on a table.
I was a doorman at the store once.
And it was New Year's Eve.
Oh, and my shows are so great.
It was the worst.
Fucking terrible, terrible, right?
You're running around like a little monkey.
I'm just running around getting like hats and glitter.
Oh, I don't know what it was.
Fucking hate New Year's Eve.
Really quick, last year, Holtzman was on stage
during New Year's Eve and he brought in the new year
and there were people in the back
that were literally saying, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Cause they were like,
why is he bringing in our new year?
Why is Brian Holtzman doing, what is going on?
Cause he was just like, you know, women's sock.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what is going on?
Fucking work, let's piss this shit.
He just yells and yells.
I love Holtzman.
Yeah, he's awesome.
I'm running around, this is 19, probably 97, right?
Door Hollywood, running around.
When you were born.
Yeah, and some guy comes up to me goes,
before you.
This Bulgarian man knows, wants to talk to you
because your family members passed out.
I go, my family, what?
What are you talking about?
He's like, do you know Bulgarian guy?
I go, I don't know no Bulgarian.
I go and there's a Bulgarian man.
And then I knew who he was.
And he's married, at the time he was married
to my cousin, Jenny, right?
This is a real member of your family.
My first cousin, Jenny.
Bulgaria.
So my mom, the mom that you saw here, right?
Yeah, yeah, mom.
Her brother's daughter.
Is married to a Bulgarian.
He was, no longer.
What happened?
This is how he died?
No, they divorced.
Anyway, he comes up, bubby, bubby.
I go, oh yeah, he goes, Jenny, I think she died.
And I look in the hallway, is Jennifer,
just passed out little vomit out of her mouth.
Oh my God.
It was so embarrassing.
She didn't die.
She didn't die now.
She was just drunk?
And I just, I didn't even help her up.
I just said, I gotta work.
Oh my God.
And I just continued to work.
Viator.
You know, when I go on vacation,
I mean, I don't know where to go.
I don't know what to do.
But that's why I need Viator, right?
Because what is Viator?
Viator is the world's leading travel experience marketplace,
offering everything from simple tours
to extreme adventures, all the niche,
interesting stuff in between.
That's right.
And they put the combination of extensive options,
ease of selection and flexibility
at your fingertips to ensure your time is wonderfully spent.
Viator is the place to go to book experiences
that will create long lasting memories.
Basically, you'll become Lara Croft.
You will be on vacation.
You'll be able to do whatever you want, man.
Yeah, it's the best.
This is the best part about Viator.
They're the world leading travel experience marketplace
and they offer simple tours, right?
Very easy stuff that you've done before.
I don't do that.
And extreme adventures.
I do extreme adventures.
All the niche stuff, right?
You want to jump from the trees.
I'm like short round.
You want to get down waterfalls.
You want to shimmy down a waterfall.
No, they smoke Dr. Jones.
That's me.
That's you.
You want to see the planes coming.
Plus Viator has over 300,000 bookable experiences
to choose from in over 190 countries.
Download the Viator app now and use code Viator10
for 10% off your first booking in Viator's world
of wonderful experiences.
That's right.
So if you're going on vacation anywhere
and you're looking for incredible experiences
and great trips that are a little bit out of the ordinary
and not what you're totally used to,
check it out.
Viator, one site over 300,000 experiences.
You'll remember, yeah, download the Viator app now.
Use that code Viator10 for 10% off.
Do you have any crazy people in your family?
No, I really don't.
You come from like a solid base.
Yeah, I love my family.
Andrew, that's the question I got.
I'm going to.
Okay, good.
You love your family?
Yeah, my mom's side is like,
my mom's side is really big.
Like I have cousins and aunts and uncles.
So my dad's side is, it's like,
literally just my dad and my stepmom.
Oh, but you know what?
Who gives the worst intros at the comedy store?
Probably me.
No, no, no, that was me.
You're so sweet.
How did she get out of that one a third time?
It's pure.
I don't want anybody to feel that.
Okay, so here's the deal.
The reason why you don't answer that question, right?
That's really, it's because you want,
you don't want anyone to be mad at you.
Yeah, that's part of it too.
That's part of it.
I'm a peacekeeper.
You're a peacekeeper and also a lot of the guys
are probably headliners and stuff.
Yeah.
Right?
And you don't want to burn any bridges.
I also like really can't think of anybody
that I'm like, wow, that sucks.
I bet you can.
Yeah, that's not true.
And I go up first.
I go up first so nobody brings me up.
So maybe you guys are thinking of your issues.
I know what you're doing and I love it.
You're crafty and you're survivor, right?
But let's be honest.
That is not true, you just said.
All right, so here's the deal.
You don't have to answer that question, right?
Oh, thank God.
You don't, right?
Ron White's called me Andy San Clemente like seven times.
I'm not even exaggerating, like seven times.
I can't think of it.
Andy San Clemente.
Literally.
Andy San Clemente.
I've reintroduced myself to him no less than five, six times.
Not only that, dude, you know what he says to me?
Who are you three times?
Yeah, doesn't know.
Who are you?
Well, you know, he's sober now.
He talked about it.
I go, you're bringing me up.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
And you asked me, who are you last week?
He doesn't know.
No, he doesn't know.
No, I think, but he's sober now.
So I think he probably is more in tune.
Yeah.
He got clean.
He told Segura that he got clean.
I don't give a fuck.
See, I love burning bridges.
I'm gonna say something else.
That's not burning a bridge.
That's just the truth.
He called me Andy San Clemente.
Here's a guy that for the last 30 years, I've met him.
I'm not, probably over a hundred times, right?
He doesn't care to even memorize my face, my name.
Give me the initials.
B.B.
Brenton Biddlecombe.
And he's been pulling that shit all the time.
Oh my, for way too long.
Brenton Biddlecombe.
How funny.
You're the cute guy.
Wait, B.B.
Yeah.
B.B.
And is it a legend?
Not a legend, but you know who he is.
He's black.
Brian Botano.
He's black.
Brian Babylon.
Black guy, B.B.
B.B.
B.B.
Do you know B?
B.B.
He's not a regular at the store.
He was on MTV at one point as a DJ.
As a VJ?
Yeah.
Wait.
Or something like that.
Like a-
Black Bart.
The pirate.
He's a comic.
He's a comic.
Oh, okay.
Legitimate stand-up comic.
B.B.
B.B.
B.B.
So, will you say his first name?
Yeah.
Bill.
Burr?
B.B.
No, black black black black black.
Oh yeah.
Not married to a black woman, black guy.
Bill Burt.
No.
Bill Bellamy.
Yes.
Yes.
Fuck.
Bill Bellamy.
I can't believe I didn't get that right.
Yeah, Bill Bellamy.
Even today, if I was standing in front of him,
I'm not in his wheelhouse, you know what I mean?
There are people that like that out there.
Yeah, but there's also a part of it.
How many you, how many yous does he meet?
You have to think about that.
How many Koreans does he meet?
No, just like people in general,
how many people are meeting Bill Bellamy?
Probably friends of thousands.
Really in a green room at a comedy club, you wouldn't know?
I'd probably try my best,
but I'm sure there's some comics I'd forget
unless they crushed and then I'd remember them.
Yeah, well, that makes me feel bad.
Well, that wasn't a shot at you.
No, I'm just saying it does make me feel bad.
Why?
Because you didn't do good enough for him to remember me.
Well, I just feel like if I've been in the business
for as long as I have.
So long.
With the amount of things that I've done.
So many.
I don't care of regular people.
I mean, there's so many,
99.9% of the people on planet Earth
doesn't know who I am, right?
But as a comic, you would think that eventually
you could memorize somebody, you know what I mean?
Face and name, that's all.
What do you think, Juice?
Yeah, I like when I go in a green room,
I just try to meet everybody if I don't know them or...
What do you do if somebody goes like this?
We've met before.
And I go, oh yeah.
That's what you did?
You lie?
No, I genuinely remember all the good times we had together.
Let me ask you something.
See, but that's because your disposition looks sweet
and happy and you can go, oh, I'm sorry.
But when someone has said to me like we've met before
and they do it with a little bit of attitude,
it's like, well, what do you want me to say?
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm sorry that we had...
Yeah, people are complicated, man.
Sometimes I will have met someone a bunch of times
and they'll be like, oh, hi, I'm so-and-so.
And then I just go through the dance again.
And I go, oh, hi, I'm Jesse, because I, you know...
Yeah, I had a guy do this to me.
What?
Does that do it well?
He did this thing where he...
I just introduced myself to be polite
because I walked into a room, there's five people in there.
I know who he is.
In fact, I knew who he was before I met him.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
His presence is known.
He's kind of a popular guy.
Yeah.
So I walked in, I go, hey, what's up?
What's up, guys?
I go, hey, what's up, Andrew?
Just to remind...
Just in case.
Yeah.
I was doing it in a case he didn't remember.
Yeah.
He goes, I know, dude, we've met like five fucking times.
Yeah.
But with real attitude.
And I was like, I'm sorry.
I thought maybe what if you didn't remember me?
Bill Maher.
What?
You're Bill Maher?
No, I did it to Bill Maher.
Bill Maher was standing in the comedy store once.
I walked in and we go, hey, I'm Bobby, I'm...
I know!
Sorry, I guess.
I'm sorry, I didn't know that you wouldn't even...
Because Bill Belmi doesn't know who I am.
He just assumed all Bill's don't know who you are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just thought another Bill that didn't know me.
Yeah, that's all.
You know what I mean?
I thought it was an issue with Bill's.
But my point is is that, but he did that.
He goes, yeah, I know, we've met, I know.
We were in Hawaii.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And I did this film festival in Hawaii
with Freddie Soto years ago and I met him briefly.
And he remembered.
That's pretty powerful.
That's pretty cool.
But my point is, I didn't know that he would...
I would thought there's no way he'll remember.
So I'll just open with, hey, I'm Bobby, I'm a comic.
I'm a big fan.
That's the move.
I think that's always the move.
I think that's the move.
And then they can just go, if they do...
I think the move is in and if you do remember someone,
you just go, yeah, no, great, great to see you again.
And it just let it go.
Yeah.
Don't have to make a fucking...
You do have a big thing with Bill's though.
I do have it, yeah.
You, Bill Clinton, that whole thing with him,
that beef that you had with Bill Clinton.
Oh yeah.
That's insane.
I love the...
I said to him like, you're great at the trumpet.
He goes, sacks.
Yeah, sacks.
He was so pissed off.
I play the sacks.
Yeah.
So was he?
Yeah.
I'll play the sacks.
Yeah.
But the reason why I...
Cause the generations even, like rest in peace,
Richard Jenney, right?
But I remember...
Do you know who that is?
You don't know Richard Jenney.
He used to be like considered one of the best guys.
He's a great joke writer.
A great joke writer.
But I remember I was a kid
and Johnny Sanchez and I saw Richard Jenney.
And Johnny Sanchez was a huge Richard Jenney fan.
And Johnny Sanchez goes, hi-fi Richard Jenney, right?
And Richard Jenney just walked past him.
And then Johnny was left with his hand out like this.
And I could see Johnny's face just like almost
falling apart.
Because he was like, he was a huge fan of Richard Jenney.
Oh, Rich.
And he stood there for like,
I don't know, 20 seconds like this.
I think he was trying to milk the laugh.
Cause he knew I was there, but he was still embarrassed.
Right?
So, but I just always remember this.
Well...
Yeah.
Johnny also saw a ghost.
Who's dead and who's alive.
You know what I mean?
That's what Rich gets.
Well, he didn't, he killed himself.
I know.
I know.
Which is sad.
You gotta high five somebody, dude.
What?
If you, if you, if you...
What, what, what did you say?
Somebody goes to high five you
and you don't high five him.
What if that was his thought?
I should have high-fived Johnny Sanchez.
Why didn't I fucking high-fived him?
High-fived Johnny Sanchez.
It's awful.
It's awful, terrible.
That's awful, that's terrible.
That's terrible.
So you're not gonna name any names?
No, she won't.
I almost didn't recognize somebody.
Who?
At the store.
I was working the law and someone pulled in
and they weren't on the line-ups.
It was Faizan Love.
Oh, Faizan, yeah.
And I've seen him in movies,
but I didn't recognize him
and I was asking him if he's on a show
and he was, he was fucking with me
and he's like, no.
And I, and then I said, well,
this is for paid regulars.
He goes, how do you know I'm not a paid regular?
Oh, oh no.
And then I thought he was just a customer
trying to park there.
And he was like, Ian Edwards was standing there.
He goes, I'm Ian Edwards.
And then they all start cracking up
and then, cause he's got his friend in the car too.
And I'm like, I know Ian Edwards.
And then he just opens the door and gets out.
Like a big fuck you to you.
Yeah, fuck you.
I was like in my feelings about it.
And then I realized who it was
and I felt like an asshole.
And I messaged him the next day, like apologizing.
You messaged him what via?
Instagram.
And I was like, I just felt really bad.
And then he said, you don't have to apologize.
What's your cash app?
And he sent me $150 for parking in the lot
because he was like, I didn't see you when I left
and I have to tip.
Faze on love is the motherfucking man.
Yeah, he's awesome.
The fucking man.
And the next time he pulled up in the lot,
we had like a laugh about it.
But yeah, it's when you're on the other side of it
and you don't recognize somebody, so.
It's so funny.
Cause I don't know how to handle those situations.
Like that's funny.
I just shut down.
Like I did, I went to the comedy cellar
and I fucking walked down the stairs and the guy goes,
he like slapped his hand on my chest
and he goes back to fuck up
cause he was talking to two other customers.
And I was like, oh, I'm just gonna go downstairs.
He goes, you ain't going to fucking nowhere.
And he's not really looking at me.
He's like looking down at my body.
Do you know what I mean?
Like he's looking at me kind of, but peripherally.
And he goes, you ain't going to fucking nowhere.
And I was like, oh, all right.
And like a bitch, I got on my phone and I stood there.
And then he looked up at me, he goes, yo, oh shit.
And then he felt bad.
He's like, yo, that was you.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't even.
And I was like, that's okay.
I had to call someone.
I shut down so fast.
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't, I don't know how to, I was like,
cause I don't ever want to be like, I'm one of the,
I'm one of the things.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to do that.
That's what, when I go to New York.
It's embarrassing.
I don't want to do it.
I don't go to any comedy club in New York.
No, I know you're, I know.
Because I don't want that to happen.
I feel like no one knows who I am.
So I don't want to just show up at the cellar
and then have this happen.
No, they all know who you are.
Yeah, but I don't know that.
You can't assume that they do, but you, yes, they know who you are.
You, yes.
It's kind of nice too, though.
Like you guys probably miss this or you don't even remember,
but it's kind of nice.
Nobody knowing who you are.
When you go to a show, yeah.
Cause you go in and they're like, do you have a ticket?
And then I'm like, oh, I'm on the show.
And they're like, oh, what's your name?
And then they'll check me off and then I'll go and,
you know, do good.
Go crush.
And then they know who you are.
Oh, and then you gain their respect.
All right, let me do like that.
I like being like an underdog and kind of being invisible.
And then just shining.
It never goes away.
Trust me.
Okay, good.
I was worried.
I'll give you a better example.
Now that I play like small theaters, not all the time,
but like clubs will all know who you are because they're like,
they do meetings and the staff, they're like,
here's who's coming this weekend, blah, blah, blah.
So they all kind of know who's coming.
Even if they don't know you as a comic or like,
he's the fucking redheaded guy.
You'll see him when he comes in.
See small theaters, they don't give a shit.
Fuck about that.
You don't mean fuck all.
We've multiple times, me and O'Connor,
I've walked to the back of the theater
and a guy who's working like one of the crew
will be smoking and we'd have an O's in Pittsburgh.
And I was like, is this the artist entrance?
And he was like, yeah.
And I was like, oh, we're the guys.
And he's like, who's your contact?
And I'm debating on if I could get in
with one of the stage hands.
All right.
And a piece of me was like,
let's just go back to the hotel.
Yeah.
I didn't want, because his attitude,
they don't give a fuck about you.
You don't mean shit.
They don't know who the fuck you are.
I played the Chicago theater, it was 3,700 seats.
Half of the back staff doesn't know who you are.
Theater people are like that.
They don't give a fuck about you.
You don't mean shit.
So that doesn't go away.
People not knowing you, that doesn't fucking.
A whole room is there for you.
And there's a bunch of people that are like,
who the fuck is this fucking piece of shit?
Yeah.
And then you'd be like,
can we get some waters downstairs?
And they're like, the waters are up back.
You're like, we'll go get them.
Yeah.
It never changes.
Which is, that's, it's nice.
It's humbling, because it's like,
you're not getting hand and footed.
Even at those big venues, they don't,
you mean dog shit to them.
You're just another idiot that's gonna come in,
do the show, and then they're like,
you guys gotta get the fuck out.
Well, part of me was kind of hoping
that part would change.
It does not.
Okay.
But it's also, when it's just,
amongst your peers, the reality.
You know, because I'll run into like a kid
from high school that went to high school,
what they'll be like, oh, my life must be
completely changed or this and that.
And it's like, honestly, dude,
I feel the same as you do,
because at the end of the day,
five times during the day,
well, someone will,
it's never like even a big deal.
They're like, Nosotras papaya.
Well, yell out of the car and you're like,
oh, cool, right?
But normally you're still waiting in line.
No one knows what the fuck you are.
You know what I mean?
You're just living a life like everyone else's.
Every once well, if you're at a club
or you'll get a perk.
And if you're at the Ace Theater Saturday
when we did the Tiger Village, obviously there,
you feel special because everyone knows who you are
because they're all congregated into one area, right?
At your show.
That's why comics do shows
because all your fans are in one area.
You get to feel good.
But when you're out in the real world,
you're just, you know what I mean?
At the DMV, just waiting in line.
Yeah, you're just another asshole.
I mean, you're just like everyone else.
Do you get recognized, Rudy?
Not a lot, just sometimes.
And I don't like it because I don't know what to do.
Wait, why don't you like it?
I don't know what to do.
They say, I love you, I like you.
And then I don't know what to say next.
Do you ever say, I love you, I like you back?
No.
Let's replay it.
Love is a big love.
Hey, hey, hey, are you Rudy Jules?
Oh my God, that's fucking Rudy.
Rudy Jules, we love you, we like you.
We love you so much, we like you.
I like you, I like you too.
And we love you.
We love you.
Hi.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
That's what I do.
All right, we love you.
We love you.
Will you take a photo with us?
Sure.
Oh fuck, you must be rich on that show.
Will you cash app us?
I don't have money.
I have to go, but it was nice meeting you.
Wait, wait, don't go anywhere.
Don't, don't.
My buddy wants to send you a song.
He's a notice.
We're also on the same flight, so they haven't called our.
Yeah, we're all flying together.
We're all flying together, right?
I have to go to the bathroom.
I didn't need to poo, so.
Let us come with you.
Yeah, girls go together.
I'll go with you.
Yeah, she'll come with you.
Yeah, yeah.
She can't come with me.
Okay, we'll just wait outside.
Okay, okay.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Bye, guys, I'll get the picture.
Okay, good girl, cool.
That's how you are, what are you feeling inside?
I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
Really?
Interesting.
So you want no one to recognize you ever again?
No.
Yeah, well, you came on the show,
you wanted to be on the show, so that's your fault.
Oh yeah, at the Tiger Belly show,
there were like two girls,
and one of them was like, hey, can I get a photo?
And I was like, sure.
And then her friend took the photo,
and then she was like, do you want the photo?
And the friend was like.
Oh, okay.
George and his story is wrong.
He wanted to add it.
Let's just analyze what he just said here.
You know what pissed off George the most about that?
That pissed me off.
Yeah, go ahead.
That pissed me off, right?
Yeah, it did, I know it did.
It's like, you know, we're holding court,
telling stories, right?
And you know the whole time he was thinking.
I think I got a story.
Hey, I just wanted an excuse to get this camera on
so that I get a little more screen time,
a little more famous, with Andres not here.
I think I have a chance to shine, so.
That irked him so much after the Tiger Belly show,
Fancy walked outside.
There was a cheering of Fancy, Fancy, Fancy.
Fancy, Fancy, Fancy, Fancy, Fancy.
Dude, it was huge.
It must be easier to cheer than Pink Dick.
Like it's just, it's a much easier cheer.
Nobody cheered for George.
George literally came out, no one said anything.
Fancy, Fancy, they lost their minds.
Do you know why George, you do bullshit like this.
I'm gonna tell you something.
This is what he does, what's so gross.
We're at the Ace Theater.
You know the doors open at seven, right?
Yeah.
And so, you know, the lobbies flooded
with Tiger Belly fans or whatever,
merch line or whatever, right?
This fuckface goes out there
and just kind of walks around.
Oh, you sick.
He wants to see, and he's like,
oh no, I just wanted to see what the merch was.
What the merch was.
I just wanted to see what the merch was, you know?
I was for fucking compliments.
Yeah, you're fishing hard.
You little bitch dude.
You're fishing.
And it took a long time to get them, you know?
I was walking, I was like,
they wouldn't even let me to the front of the merch line.
They were like, no, no, no, no, not you.
Get to the back, get to the back.
What do you, what compliments did you get?
Hey, great job being in the background.
They, there's a lot, yeah, way to not talk most of the time.
He, when he gets to the thrill,
well, because when they look at him, it registers.
Yeah, that, oh, that's that.
That's the guy.
That's the guy from the show.
And that's what he gets off on.
Right.
Right, finally you have respect.
Sick, twisted fuck dude.
Fucking, twisted fuck dude.
You're fucking, twisted fuck.
Look at him, look at him, gross.
Rudy, well, I hope you get recognized
more and more, and by the way,
to the fans out there.
Good story though, Joy.
When you see Rudy, when you see Rudy
in the major metropolitan area of Los Angeles,
please go up to her, please take a photo.
She loves hugs.
She loves that stuff.
You love, and she wants to engage.
She doesn't want to just say hi.
She wants to talk to you.
She wants to know what's going on.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, you do.
Just wave, then go away.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Too informal.
You want something more proper.
You want, I think you should really let people open up to you.
If you're going through a divorce,
or if your kid just went off to college,
why don't you fucking tell her about it.
I think you should open up,
let people open up to you, Rudy.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Well, when you went back to the Philippines,
did you hang out with your old friends?
Yeah, I did.
And today.
Did anybody in the Philippines know about the show?
Yeah, some of them are really fans of the podcast,
and they listen.
And the Philippines.
Wait, your friends do?
Yeah.
And they listen.
Yeah, and they keep asking,
like, when's the next podcast?
I want to listen, I'm excited.
Do you feel good?
Be honest.
A little bit.
Yeah.
Especially like when the other girl.
So there's this other girl.
Can I explain?
All right, there's another girl.
So she lives from the Philippines, right?
There's a girl that wants to be a social influencer,
or an influencer.
What's that called?
Influencer, yeah.
Influencer, right?
And she's trying to get, you know what I mean?
She wants to be famous.
Famous in this.
But it's, I love it when somebody doesn't want to.
Rudy.
Rudy, right?
And she just falls into it.
And wins the lottery.
Yeah.
And she, and even if we told her,
you're no longer on the podcast, she wouldn't care.
Yeah, it doesn't matter to her.
She wouldn't move on with her life.
Yeah, doesn't want to be here now.
Yeah.
She doesn't want to be here now.
That's true.
She doesn't want to be here now.
Yeah, yeah.
But my point is that, so that must feel good a little bit.
Yeah.
So the other girl, though, is she your competent?
Like, do you guys have beef?
No, we're friends.
Did you hang out with her?
Yeah, one time.
Because she has to do like other influencer stuff.
What are the influencer stuff she does?
What does that even mean?
Like, they have a meeting, and then they promote stuff,
and then they go and take photo shoots.
And did they invite you to any of it?
No.
But you're bigger than they are.
Who has more followers on Instagram?
Me.
Oh, wow.
And they didn't collaborate with you at all?
No.
They had this opportunity?
They don't know me.
How many followers does she have?
You were hanging out with them.
You were at the meeting.
Right.
How many followers does she have?
I think she has like 20.
Yeah.
Like, over 100,000 followers.
Yeah.
That's got to feel good.
Yeah.
How many followers do you have on Instagram?
18 now.
18,000?
Before the podcast.
I bet there's more now.
We're getting that.
We're getting that.
That's going to get.
We've got to get you to 50, man.
Wow.
At least, right?
Rudy, I kind of want to look up the other girl,
even though just because I want to see how many she has.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got recognized at the store last night
during work from Bad Friends.
Really?
From Monday's episode.
What did they say?
I was doing the whole, like, there's a two-drink minimum.
I'm showing them to their seats.
And they go, wait, excuse me, are you just on Bad Friends?
And I go, yeah.
And they're like, you were awesome.
We loved you on there.
And it was really flattering and nice.
And then I had to go, oh, thank you.
Anyway, there's no cell phone you.
Photos or videos?
That phase on love story made me cry.
I saw you get emotional.
Yeah, I got emotional.
Yeah, I shut it down.
Because he's from San Diego.
And I've known him for a very, very long time.
And I just know his heart.
He gave you $150?
Yeah.
He's a good dude.
He's a fucking, that's a big, fast dude.
We should have him on this.
Love to have him on this.
We should have phase on love on Bad Friends.
Love to have him on.
Yeah, he's the best.
That's it.
It was a very sweet story.
Yeah.
He's the man.
Yeah, I was really embarrassed.
It's embarrassing.
And you shouldn't be, by the way.
But I know.
But I learned, you know, you learn so much at the store.
Like, it's a school.
And I felt like I should have just kept things lighthearted.
But so many people park in that lot.
It gets you on edge.
So is there going to be parking a lot where they are paid regular,
but they don't get spots and they give you attitude?
No, not really attitude.
Most people who are parking there,
like if someone comes for fallouts, they'll be like,
hey, is it OK if I left?
Like, they make real good sure that they're OK.
Also, she's not going to tell you.
I know what you're trying to, I keep fishing.
But people come in that are customers
or they're like on a development show.
One guy, I'll tell you a story.
OK, great.
This is what we want.
So there was a show in the belly room.
And it was an independent show.
So it's not paid regulars.
And they're allowed one car per show.
Well, someone rolled in on a motorcycle.
And they had the one car.
And so at first, I told him, you can't park here.
But since it was the bike, and he was saying, you know,
it's small, I can't, I just put it up here.
I said, OK, yeah, you can put it.
That seems reasonable.
It's just a motorcycle.
Yeah, and he was, you know, at first he was kind of upset.
He's like, you know, I've parked here before, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, don't give attitude, buddy.
Yeah, he got a lot of attitude.
And he ended up saying, yeah, it's fine.
Just park up there.
So he parked the bike and then came up.
And then went to his friend.
And you know, you guys, he's talking to his friend
where you guys are.
And I'm sitting, I'm standing right here in the lot.
And he starts speaking in Spanish.
And he then points to me and says, puta.
And it was like, I don't speak Spanish,
but I know what that is.
We know, bitch.
Yeah.
I need to know.
Who the fuck is this?
The fuck is this motherfucker?
But then I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Who the fuck is this?
I don't know.
We'll make a deal, all right?
We will bleep the name out.
We will bleep the name.
I don't even know his name.
Yes, you do!
You don't know the guy.
Juicy, juicy.
I could find out.
Yeah.
But I was like, why was this a guy I want to even know?
You know, so.
That's a great mindset.
Why the fuck would it be?
She's lying because she's playing political fucking.
No, she's not.
And she doesn't.
No, no, she doesn't know who he is.
He's probably not.
You don't know his name?
I really don't know his name.
But I told him.
He was on a book show that she has no clue.
So let's investigate.
He has a bike.
I'm going to figure it out.
Off the air, we're going to figure it out.
No, I'm going to figure it out now.
So yeah, yeah, I'm going to figure it out.
He's on a fucking bike.
It didn't tip me either.
Right, he didn't tip, right?
He was on a Friends and Family or some sort of night show.
Belly room.
A belly room.
What show was it?
It was, well, see, that's why.
Because it was like, it was the Spanish show,
which was cool.
So I don't want a dog on the show.
Yes.
Wait, what night is that?
It was a one-off.
This is what you do.
You call Francisco Ramos.
Yeah.
And that was, I love Francisco.
So I don't want to talk to him.
And you find who rides a motorcycle?
Listen, listen, I don't know who rides a motorcycle.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, Seth, you know.
But everybody said that guy is cool.
He shouldn't have talked to you like that.
That's right.
So maybe he was just having a bad day.
But there is a small chance he wasn't calling that to me.
But the timing of it was like he most.
Seems a little loud.
I just want to have a message.
I want to have a message right now.
And this person is watching right now.
Right?
I'm telling you right now.
They're not.
They're not.
I don't want to make enemies with this guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah, you never know what you do.
Yeah, we're not going to say his name ever, right?
I'm not even going to push it.
I won't know his name.
But listen here, Chunchicho.
But listen here, Chunchicho, OK?
If you ever do that again, we have a very big problem.
Very big problem.
And if you have a war with her, you have a war with us.
You've got a war with us.
Right.
And you may think, who gives a fuck this and that?
You know, it's funny.
I'll tell you what's funny.
Can I tell you what's funny?
It's funny.
What's funny is when we did the live here, right?
Yeah.
Our buddy Bart's doing it, right?
Love him.
Bart and I talked to Bart and I was like,
when did we meet?
And we met in 1998.
He said 23 years ago.
Yeah, yeah, whatever, right?
And a lot of my relationships, right, go way back.
They're deep, deep historical relationships.
And I've done a lot of favors.
And I have a lot of really positive relationships
with people.
And it's just a phone call motorcycle man.
Motorcycle man, it literally is just a phone call, you know?
I wasn't very dry.
And I did, but I'm not done.
I can say.
See, this is why I don't tell you things.
Yeah, I could.
I'm just saying, you know, I can go, hey, Dave, Becky,
oh, whatever, you know, I'm not throwing names out there.
But Andy, but I just did.
You know what I mean?
But any one of the biggest managers in the world.
You call it Andy, but motorcycle man is a piece of shit.
And anybody's picking up your phone.
Right, right.
Hey, you know, any comedy club.
And let's do a stoop from Columbus.
Yep.
I could go to specific markets.
Oh, right.
We could hurt you regionally.
Regionally.
You want me to go regional?
I can go Ohio, right?
Ohio alone.
Yo, stoop.
This guy, piece of shit.
No.
Over.
Over.
Hey, um, um.
Go ahead.
Batch cough.
Batch cough.
You know, patch cough, right?
He owns all of the improvs in Florida.
This guy?
Yeah.
God.
What if you found out he was like one
of these really good friends you've known for like 25 years?
It could be.
He can't be.
No, just know what hands.
Because any of my true friend would not
call anyone a puta.
Yeah.
Right.
Just for both of you.
But how funny would it also be?
Because I thought about this, too.
If he was like, he had a really bad day.
And he was talking about someone at the grocery store.
And I would just stand here right there.
Yeah.
That could be.
That could be.
Let's put an asterisk at the bottom.
Yeah, I got it.
I just got an asterisk.
That's why we're not saying his name.
And that's why I'm just saying.
If you did say it about her.
Yeah, yeah.
That there are relationships that you were going to.
If you were saying it about someone at the grocery store,
carry on.
Carry on.
That's fine.
Yeah.
You're allowed to get mad at someone.
We're giving you a pass on this.
You're getting a pass.
You know people, right, too, right?
Oh, yeah.
You know some people, dude.
You know what I mean?
I know who you know.
And that was the same night Faizon came in.
And there were like other customers
trying to park on the ramp.
So that whole night was just like nobody's
talking with me tonight.
And then Faizon came in.
See what you started, motorcycle man?
Oh, God, you're going to get me fucking riled up here, baby.
Motorcycle man is just found himself in a bad place.
Yeah.
And you know what?
For the future, if anybody does go into the comedy store a lot
and you decide that you're going to be a meanie-weenie
and you enter the fucking gates of hell with juicy,
you got to answer to the bad friends man.
I'm going to call Rudy.
She's going to slash their tires.
Yeah, she will.
This crazy bitch, we should put her in the parking lot
with a knife and just stab people's tires.
She'll do it.
You will, won't you?
I'll do it.
Yeah, she doesn't give a fuck.
I also want to encourage you, right?
So you did the Korean soap opera sketch we did like that, right?
It was so good.
Is it available for people to see?
No, we're going to use it for the other lives.
So good.
It's so good.
But your acting in it was really good.
Can we support you in that?
Why don't you want to do stuff like that?
Because I don't know.
It's embarrassing.
Why is it embarrassing?
I don't know because people are going to watch it.
Were you embarrassed that night when they played it
in front of 1,600 people?
Yeah.
No.
I saw your smile.
I saw your smile.
She was texting in the referee jersey backstage, smiling.
Yeah, you were smiling and you were having a great time.
Yeah, you were.
And you were wallowing in it.
I guess.
Yeah, you were.
I think wallowing is negative.
You were swimming in it.
You were swimming.
You were swallowing in it.
You were swallowing.
You were swallowing.
You swallowed all of it.
All that happened is you swallowed.
You put it right in your belly.
Yeah, you loved it.
Right?
And honestly, it made you look good in front of your boyfriend.
No, I made him not watch it.
What?
Why?
He saw you on stage, did he not?
Yeah.
He saw the cheers.
Yeah.
That's so cool.
It gives you the advantage.
It gives you the power dynamic.
You've got to make sure you get a prenup because you're powerful.
Yeah, yeah.
You're the rich and famous person.
He can't boss you around.
No.
And I hugged him that night.
I whispered stuff in his ears.
You know that, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I said, watch it.
I think we should continue to act.
In fact, what we should do, because Juice wants to act too,
we should do a fucking, we should do a bad friend's acting
show.
Debut show.
Yeah, we should debut an acting show.
We should do a real drama, a drama.
I love that.
You're good at drama?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, but it will be funny though, right?
Like, it will be dramatic.
Yes.
No.
I mean, I kind of want to do a drama.
All right, how about this?
If you're good at drama, I want you to break up with Bobby
right now.
Like, it's a real drama scene.
Like, you found out what was really going on,
and you're breaking up with Bobby.
You found out that he doesn't love you,
and he told everybody in your friendship circle.
So we were dating?
How long were we dating?
You guys were dating for 30 years.
40 years?
30 years?
30 years.
No, you dated for four years.
Four years, obviously my bad.
And you found out from your group of friends
that he's been saying how bad he wants out,
and he just can't do it anymore.
He also might be in love with someone else.
Can I be a different guy, though?
No, it's you.
All right, but can I have a different voice?
You can do anything you want.
Hey, baby.
That's great.
OK.
Hey, juicy, what's up?
Bobby, we need to talk.
Yeah, well, what are we doing now, baby?
What's up?
We're talking now, right, baby?
I mean, who are you looking at?
I'm not here.
Oh, you're the director.
I know, but you don't look at the director
in the middle of a shoot.
When I act.
Cameras are on.
Don't look at the director, Z-fuckin.
No, don't.
See if I'm doing it right.
Don't look at the fucking director.
See if I'm doing it right.
See, actually, the good director.
All right, and now I got to piss.
Hold on.
This guy, now he's got a plan.
See?
But Juice is already prepared.
Do you see how deep she's already in it?
Yeah, I'm in it.
Any notes from me, director?
Yeah, stop fucking looking at me.
Oh, my bad, my bad.
Just do the scene.
Where's my marker here?
Yeah, you're on it.
You don't have to move anywhere.
You're sitting down.
Oh, sorry, my bad.
All right, ready?
All right.
And action.
Bobby, we need to talk.
Stop fucking looking at the director.
Look at your scene.
It's my first job, man.
OK, it's all right.
It's fine.
So what you saying?
Not to look at you?
Never.
Yeah.
Never.
After I say action, only look at me.
How do you expect me to work with this?
I understand it.
I'm so sorry, Miss Juicey.
I'm so sorry.
Miss Juicey?
Don't look at me.
I won't even look at you at all.
Where's the camera at?
Right there?
No, I'm not going to tell you where the fucking camera is
because then you're going to look at the camera.
That's the camera right there.
I'll just look at the camera.
No, no, no.
I'm her.
Only at her.
Only look at her.
And action.
Bobby, we need to talk.
Hey, Juicey, what's up?
That's what I thought we were doing right now.
Yeah, but it's serious.
I went through your cell phone.
Yeah, you a bitch.
I told you not to.
Is that the right line?
Line?
It is bitch, yeah.
It's hey, bitch.
I told you not to go through my shit.
OK, a bitch.
I told you not to go through my shit.
Yeah, well, it's too late for that.
I saw I saw all those pictures.
I saw those fingers in your asshole.
Do you want to tell me who's whose fingers those were?
They're my fingers, baby.
What's up?
No, both your hands were also in the picture.
You were doing this.
That's right.
Shit, you caught me.
My bad.
I was doing like this because I was doing a home alone.
I was doing a home alone fucking thing, man.
Yeah, like, oops.
Which I thought was our thing.
That was our thing.
My bad.
You know who that was?
No, that's what I'm telling you.
It was my mom.
All right, we got bigger problems then.
No, because I have bumpies down there.
You know my mom's a doctor, right?
You never told me your mom was a doctor.
She's not.
What's the line?
What's the line?
What are you trying to break up or something?
No, what was my, what did my mom do in the fucking script?
What does my mom do?
Uh-huh.
Oh, oh, because your mom says you
got to break up with this white bitch.
Oh, yeah, so my mom says I got to break up
with this white bitch.
You know what?
Yeah.
It's the first thing your mom's ever said that I agree with.
Dude, is this why I cry?
Yeah.
Uh.
So it's over?
So it's over?
Say goodbye to these.
Pretty good.
Really good.
Really, really, really good.
What about mine now?
Not really good.
Not good?
Not good.
Yeah, I think I made the wrong choice.
Yeah, but he made a lot of bad choices.
He made me look good.
Yeah, you look, you shine.
It's all Bobby.
You shine so heavily.
Yeah.
Wait, I have a question.
When you, when you, when you were my age and you were pooing,
does your asshole, like, bleed a lot?
Let it sink in.
Just let that sink in.
All right, now I want to answer this without being funny.
Yeah.
Just let it, yeah, just let, let the moment.
My asshole has been bleeding a lot.
We get, we get what you said.
And I haven't done anal.
We didn't need, you know what I mean?
And you haven't done anal.
No.
Right?
Yeah.
Doctor?
Yeah, doctor.
OK.
Yeah.
Let me ask you, are you, are you pushing?
No, I don't even wait until like it just drops.
You wait till it comes out of itself.
You eat those baby birds?
Yeah, the blue, the blue.
No.
OK, so you probably have hemorrhoids.
No, it's just bleeding.
Your ass is just bleeding.
Yeah.
Like right now, is it maybe blood?
Maybe.
Wow.
Are you being real?
No, honestly.
Yeah, I'm just like.
So basically, is it like.
Rudy's dying.
Is it like the shining where like you poo
and then it's like the elevator or blood?
Blood poop.
Let's see, but what does it mean when you just,
it's usually hemorrhoids.
I don't want to get hemorrhoids.
But you haven't gone to a doctor?
No.
Yeah.
Well, my next question is how come?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
We're doctors.
Yeah, so am I.
Why don't you go?
I'm just tired.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Rectal bleeding is a symptom of conditions like hemorrhoids,
I said it, fissures, inflammatory bowel disease.
You could have IBD.
Ulcers and, well, the last one's cancer.
But you may notice rectal bleeding on toilet paper
in the water, toilet, or in your stool.
Is it everywhere?
All three of those?
The trifecta?
No, just the paper.
Just on the toilet paper.
Maybe we do a bad friend's trip to the doctor.
I think that'd be cool.
I think we should do that.
Make it a real event.
Are you wiping too hard?
No.
OK.
I'm not a doctor.
I don't play the dumb question.
No, that's not a dumb question.
You can wipe too hard and cause it to tear.
You can?
Yeah, you can dry it out and tear it up.
OK.
We've got to get this taken care of, man.
Yeah, we've got to fix this.
I think you were kidding around.
You're not kidding around?
No, I keep telling you.
Oh, fuck.
Man.
It's my fault.
Yeah, you're a bad dad.
I'm a bad dad.
No, we've got to get this fucking taken care of.
I think you're saying, as a joke, I have a bloody butthole.
We thought you had maybe a little bit of diarrhea
once in a while, which is normal.
Yeah.
You're having it all the time.
Yeah.
Yeah, you have IBD.
There you are, constipation.
Yeah, one or the other, right?
They kind of go hand in hand.
They're cousins.
All right, well, we've got to take you to a doctor.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, we have to fucking go to a doctor.
But we also can use it in the show.
So we'll do it.
You're right, Juicy.
Yeah, we're going to go.
We'll take a bad friend's trip to the doctor.
You'll feel better if they go with you?
Yeah, but the camera shouldn't be on my ass.
No shit.
It would help the story.
Yeah, it'd be good for the show.
Yeah.
We can animate it.
But Juicy will be in there with you
so it'll be a woman in there with you.
That'll make you feel safe.
I'll be holding the camera.
You shall be holding the camera.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Let's let Juice do it.
Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead, Juice.
Can we do it together?
Yeah, do it together.
OK, OK.
This one?
Yeah.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Timing was bad.
Let's do it again.
One, two, three.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Love it.
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Do a Woody Allen.
Do a Woody Allen.
I wasn't.
That's why I stopped because I couldn't do one.
First of all, there it is.
Yeah.
I don't know why it's just my bad.
Woody?
Woody.
It's me, Suni.
Suni, can you come with your bed?
I don't know if you should.
I don't know if you should.
I don't know if you should.
That's a really good Woody Allen.
I was not.
It's bad.
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Yeah