Bad Friends - The Elf On Our Shelf

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Get our CHRISTMAS MERCH at https://badfriendsmerch.com Thank you to our Sponsors: https://betterhelp.com/badfriends & https://bluechew.com code: BADFRIENDS & https://displate.com/badfriends?art=636badeb419b0 & https://sportsbook.draftkings.com code: BADFRIENDS [If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. $150 in Free bets: New customers only. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pregame moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 free bets. Ends 12/31/22 @ 11:59pm ET. Stepped Up SGP: 1 Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Min $1 bet. Max bet limits apply. Min. 3-leg. Each leg min. -300 odds, total bet +100 odds or longer. 10+ leg req. for 100% boost. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See eligibility & terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms.] BAD FRIENDS TOUR Feb. 16 2023 Vancouver, Canada: https://jflvancouver.com Feb. 17 2023 Spokane, WA: https://firstinterstatecenter.org/event/bad-friends-with-andrew-santino-bobby-lee Feb. 18 Seattle, WA: https://www.ticketmaster.com/bad-friends-with-andrew-santino-bobby-seattle-washington-02-18-2023/event/0F005D86DE7E2C3E YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Bad Friends Tour 0:53 Korean Santa & His Favorite Elf 6:38 Rudy Meets An LP 16:43 Are Bobby & Brad Uppity Comedians? 21:25 LPs Can Also Be Serial Killers 27:13 Cheering Ballon Sticks 36:54 Standing Out to Bullies with Comedy 41:29 A Noodle of Asians 53:59 Rudy's Interesting Interview with Brad 58:27 Thumble: The New Dating App for LPs 1:08:25 Bobby & Andrew's Christmas Gifts   More Brad Williams Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bradwilliamscomic Twitter: https://twitter.com/funnybrad Tickets: https://www.bradwilliamscomedy.com More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger:  https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino  Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Rudy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendrudy More Fancy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/   Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod   Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom  Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producers: Andrés Rosende & Pete Forthun This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, bad friends, if you want to celebrate New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve with me, either of those dates, I'm doing four shows two nights at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston. Go to AndruSantino.com for those tickets. AndruSantino.com. Boston show up, show out, New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve. Also, not officially a part of the Bad Friends Tour, but Bobby and I are going to be in Vancouver for just for laughs on February 16th. Then we're going to be in Spokane for Bad Friends on the 17th and Seattle, Washington for Bad Friends on the 18th. Those links are going to be in the description down below to buy those tickets to come see

the Bad Friends beginning of the official tour that starts a month later. And we also have Dreadle, Dreadle, Dreadle, I made you out of clay, when you're dry and ready, I just found out I'm gay. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, have you been good this year? I don't know, but you get one anyway. Well, Asian Santa, we brought someone from your workshop. Let me introduce you. Every year, I get herbs all the time. Sometimes when they don't do job good, I kill them. Oh, you kill the elves that do a bad job? I drown them in ice water. There's a lake. Why ice water? Because I see a lake. Oh, an icy lake. I get it. You know how you fish? You dig a hole? I do, ice fish. Yeah, I put everything there. Oh, you put one of your

helpers inside it. Yeah, they go, stop, stop. I don't like, you know, I don't die, die, whatever, you know. But this one right here, he's been with me for 89 years. One of the good ones. He is so fast, very good. In my mind, I thought he Asian. Oh, you thought he was Asian? Oh, you're not. Why? Why would you think he's Asian? Because he works so hard. Not because of his height? No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah, that too. Because he's similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Asian height. That too, that too. Anyway, my favorite elf in the workshop is Brad Williams. Brad Williams. Oh, he's scared of Santa. Yeah, fuck you, you don't get ice water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so here's, I guess Asian Santa. Can I speak? Can I speak, Brad? I guess this is Asian Santa's favorite,

favorite helper. And how do you feel about Asian Santa? Do you get along with him? Oh, his dick is so big. It's so big. And he's such a, and he's such a vigorous lover and, and, and, and such a generous leader. And can I say, well, I'll tell you what we eat. He's being facetious, by the way. Do you know what that means, Asian Santa? I don't know, facetious. I know Confucius. Confucius say facetious. Is it Confucius? Yeah, Confucius say facetious. I know that one. He's facetiousness means he's, he's, he's, when he talks about your big penis on the, he's kidding. And what do I feed you at night? What, a Christmas Eve? Oh, the best, the best food. The best food. Reindeer sashimi. Wow. Reindeer sashimi. The underbelly of reindeer. Fatty, fatty, fatty tissue. Very tender. So tender. Very tender. So reindeer toro? Yeah. But now Rudolph, because,

you know, he's the leader. You know, I can't see without him. Yeah. He got the red nose. How do you see in the night so well? The Rudolph, as you're dashing through the snow. Because of my eyes? Well, what? You know, let me tell you something. You know, there's more than one Santa. I only do Asia. Oh, you're just for Asia. Yeah, you know that, right? No. I can't go to Cleveland. Imagine me coming down to Cleveland. They freak out. Yeah. Yeah. But in, you know, they're saying hi. What do they leave you? Oh, they leave me dumplings. Oh, I know almond cookie. I love the almond cookie. Pork bao. Pork bao is good. Yeah, yeah. Pork bao is good. So you, have you ever been to the United States and delivered gifts? No, never, never.

One time, you know, Santa called me the real Santa. The real Santa? Yeah. You know, that's what we all, because the African Santa and I. Oh, you get along. Oh, the African Santa, yeah. So you commiserate with other minority Santa? Let me tell you about African Santa. Tell me. He only has to do three houses. You know why? Why? They're all bad kids. Oh, really? That's African Santa right there. Yeah, there's African Santa there. So he only has to do three houses. Now, do you visit the Philippines? Where's that? No. No. No, because it's like, I'll tell you why. Tell me. You know, I'm on the mainland. Correct. At age, right? Yeah. And at five in the morning, you know, my last house is probably, you know, Vietnam somewhere, you know,

Laos Saigon or something, you know. Right. And I'm tired. You know, they don't get much anyway, you know. So, yeah, yeah. And then it's like, I go, do I go to home? North Pole? Oh, I go to East Pole. East Pole. Yeah, we live in East Pole. Do I go home back to East Pole? Right. Or do I go all the way to a little island where they don't give a fuck about nobody, you know, so I don't go. Have you ever gotten Christmas presents, Rudy Jules? From Asian Santa? No. No, you were bad. Yeah. I remember you. No, we're not giving it to her. I can be your helper. I can clean. Well, she could clean. I mean, okay. Is it too much? Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. Let's keep it going. I was going to talk about how you can't go to North Korea. He delivers there. He delivers

there. Oh, I can deliver there. Yeah. Welcome, Brad Williams to the podcast and happy holidays. Thank you. I think it's now an authentic holiday episode. Yeah, with you. Yeah, with you. Yeah, with you. It just looks right now. Have you ever met Rudy Jules? Have you guys met before? No, not in person, but I've only slid into her DMs a couple of times. Oh, my God. That's weird. Brad, Rudy Jules, are there dwarves from your land? Yeah. Where? Name one. I don't know them, but I've seen them. Where? Like when I ride like Jeepney and they're just like, they're just like a Jeepney. Like a Jeep. Like where you commute. Oh, it's like a safari. No, no, no. There's a dwarf. There's a dwarf safari. What? You got a Jeep. They're just out in the tundra, you know, running

around. They go spear fishing for dwarves? Oh, wait. So what in the Jeepney? Okay. So when I ride that, like outside. All right. That's a hippies bus from Berkeley. Yeah. That's not it. But wait a minute. You ride around in this looking for little people. No, no, no. Do you have a net? Sometimes. When you find them, like, you know how when you throw, you have to hit a fish in water, you have to aim below it? Do you have to, how low do you have to aim to hit little people that you're trying to kill on the street? I mean, this is insane. You do this. They have one of those scoopers like those carts have at the golf driving range. Yeah. Yeah. Just rolls us up. So you're just collecting little people. Yeah. Yeah. That's nuts. It's a Filipino tradition. I'm into it. That's why I've never

been there. Do they drive the thing? No, like sometimes I like I usually drive that and then sometimes I just see them like in the streets, like sitting and then just walking around. How do you know they're not kids? Yeah, how do you know? Yeah, how do you know? I don't know. Do you check for pubic hair? How do you know? How do you know? Is it kids or maybe you're seeing like a thicker kid because like Filipinos general not that tall. And you have a half Asian wife. I do. Your wife is Asian. You have a half Asian baby. Yes. Your wife is not full Asian. She's half Chinese. So we have a quarter, eight quarter Chinese. Your wife's half Chinese and half what? We don't know. Oh, wow. The mystery. Yeah. That's like Bobby. We don't know. Yeah. So your baby is what now? Home. I

know. She's a quarter Chinese. Quarter Chinese and then 50% white. Probably 50% white. Probably more than that. No, it's the 25% of the door park. He's native. Oh, I'm from America. We don't have our own land. That's right. He's native. Oh, my God. I mean, we have our own park in China, but that's a whole nother story. What's that? Oh, thank you. Gave Brad an apple. There we go. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. Now I could, you know, you feel better that way or no? Yeah, puts my back in alignment. Well, because those seats are so, the fact that we got these seats for them is so mean for our guests. Yeah. Because they're not good for anybody. That's true. But are they fun to look at? They're fun to look at. You better believe it. Fantastic. Can I just say

something? You're probably so hard to follow on stand up. Oh, I thought you went like in the street. Yeah. That's easy. Small steps. It's easy. Yeah. No, I keep duck behind things. It's very hard to follow. Well, you're hard. You know what? You're hard to find, not to follow. Yes. Yes. I got you once I got you. Yeah. Yeah, I kind of stand out. But before that, sneaky. Oh, they're sneaky people. So wait a minute. You're saying I'm feeling I'm being canceled. No, not that sneaky people, but he's sneaky. Why are you being, why are you being canceled? Well, I don't want to like, you know, anyway, joke about one of our friends. It's all right. It takes a long time for a dwarf to write a letter. You're fine. It's a small hand. I didn't know. You've never seen him on his

computer. Oh, all right, right. I got to run over, jump on the A, run over, jump on the L. All right. Yeah. It's a whole ordeal. We don't like to write. The moment he makes a mistake, he's like, delete is so far away. It's a bigger key. I got another friend to hop on it with me. Right. It's not that heavy. What do you mean Brad's hard to follow? He's a great comic. Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're trying to say? Very good stand up. He's a great comic. Thank you, Bob. And you have a residency in Vegas. Is that what it is? I had one. Yeah. What happened to it? My contract ran up. Give me the show up the show. What's it called again? It's called Mad Apple. I was in Mad Apple, the Cirque du Soleil show in Las Vegas. I helped

watch it. Cool. Yeah. It was a blast. I went on after the guys that juggled each other with their feet. Wow. Look at that thing. Yeah. You did that. How many shows a week? 10. 10 shows a week. Oh my God. Two shows a night. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Friday. We had Wednesday, Thursday off. That was our weekends. Wow. Yeah. It was a blast. I did it for, like I said, like four months and it was wonderful. I liked being in a Cirque du Soleil show. I worked 10 minutes each show. Amazing. It was great. And you don't want to do another run or no? The answer to every question is always money. Yeah. How much? Yeah. That's what he responds. How much? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And didn't pay enough. They did it first and then we started seeing

my stock kind of rise and things like that. So we're like, all right, now if you want to do it again, you got to pay me more. And they're like, no. There he is. Is that you presenting? Yeah. Oh, that was me at the launch. There's me on stage. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But it was a blast. They're an amazing company to work for. I got free physical therapy. So great. You went there and did, what do you do when you open up the show? You do like 15 minutes up top? 10 minutes. You do 10 minutes to stand up. Oh, so physical therapy. How long for, I mean, probably not that long. I mean, it's probably like beep and then it's done. They go, they press up the spike, beep with the finger and then I got your bread. I'm healed. I'm healed. I'm good. I had a good done. Free physical

therapies. Yeah. I'm only like an inch taller than them. I don't know why I'm making these jokes. I know. So fucking silly. That's why you're making the joke. Because you're like, oh, ego boost. Brad's here. Yeah. Fine. I can finally get these jokes out. You think you can beat me up? Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah. You always say that. My money is on bread. Like with, I mean, without, but in what shadow of a doubt, what in any fighting or like, yeah, like I wrestled in high school. So, okay, me too. So did he. Oh, he did. Yeah. Okay. That'd be fun. Okay. But like, but like, how old are you now, Bobby? 51. 51. Yeah. What are you 38? But that's like 51 and dwarf. Yeah. So yeah, we're about the same. We're about the same. I think it's a good tale to say. It's

a good tale. Yeah, it'll be fun. He's got the reach advantage. Boxing, he could probably beat me. I don't know. Taekwondo, definitely. That's a leg martial art. Leg is definitely. Yeah, leg will fuck you up. When it comes to grappling. Like UFC rules, maybe, if you can get a hold of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because he's got the holds down. Yeah, dude. Pretty good though. How do you think he fucking made a baby with his wife? That's all holds. That was all holds. And she's tall, right? How old is she? She's 6'4". Yeah. To me. No, she's like 5'8", right? Yeah. Yeah, and how tall are you? Four foot four.

So yeah, everyone when they see us together is like, fuck, that dude must be rich. Yeah. Little they know. Little they know. Just your dick. Can I say something to you? It's all dick.

Doesn't it infuriate you because when I used to date, I used to date taller women and people always make remarks. Doesn't it make you angry? Somehow I don't think they make remarks to him. The way they do to you. What do you mean? Well, because I have a condition. You're just small.

No, no, he has a condition. That hurt, but that hurt, but I'll let that slide. Right, for him, it's like recognized by the government and our society. With you, it's just unfortunate. Right, but can I ask you this? Which that's because there's nothing we can do about it. It's not like we're doing something to be our height.

Yeah, but you use yours to your advantage to build character. Bobby's doesn't really, there's no plus. No, there's nothing that's good for him. It's all minus. It's all minus. He doesn't have an organization he can join. Like I can go to meetings.

Right. Yeah. Can I go to your meetings? I'll tell you. Five, five, five, three, five, three, five, three, five, four on the good day. That's what we said. No, it's too tall.

What's the height and limit, five? Lie, five, five is a lie. Five, five. Google it, five, five. Four, four, ten. Four, ten is the limit. Are you being real? Yeah.

That's the legal limit. If you're four, ten or below, you are legally considered handicap. What if a dwarf had gigantism? You hear me? That's insane. If a dwarf had gigantism, would he be like, he would be five, four.

There gotta be, there are, now there are. Adam Rainer was a dwarf and a giant at the exact same time. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Bobby was right. I was right. What?

Which one? Oh my God, like he's eight? What? No, that's not the point. He was standing on someone's shoulders. Go back to all and let's see. Go back to the actual post. Click on the post itself, Adam Rainer.

The insane story of a man who was born a dwarf and died a giant. Wow, wow. So obviously what happened was he was born a dwarf and then the pituitary gland, right, overflowed. Isn't that what happens when you become a giant? Yeah. Gigantism is usually assist on your pituitary,

which means you grow, it's throwing all of this. Andre the giant had it, the rest of the big show. But it's great in a circus because you can reinvent yourself. Right, you're a dwarf in the circus and they're like, oh, we've seen it. And all of a sudden the next day it's like, oh, this is a new thing. Oh, look at the tits on her.

Yeah. It's great. That's actually really, God bless Adam Rainer. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Look at that. Over the next decade, he grew from just under 410, half to be, to a shocking 7-1 during this period.

Rainer also began developing a severe spinal contusion. What is that? Curvature. Well, yeah, I mean, it's natural you go from 410 to 7-1 in a year. Right. That's three feet. I imagine that didn't feel too good.

That's nuts. Good God, man. Oh, God's crazy. But imagine, mad scientist, when he was a dwarf. Yes. He had a big pipe and he thought, look at me. Yeah. And at 7-1, not so big anymore.

You see, it's all about perspective. That's right. People ask me all the time, like, oh, Brad, dwarves, did they have big dicks? Go, no, but on me it looks fucking huge. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Brad leaned forward with no hands, like a kickstand.

Yeah. I've seen him do it. I can't fall over. It's nuts. It's nuts. We both wobble, but they don't fall down. Can I make another observation? I feel like I'm not an uppity Asian.

Like, there's comics, right, that are like. Who's an uppity Asian? I don't want to name him. Name names. No, we don't. Well, you know, he's a talented guy, and I like him, right? But Ronnie Chang. You think he's an uppity Asian?

To me, in my circle of, you mean, dirty Asians. You mean he's very judgy of people like you. No, no, no. He's elevated. You know what I mean? Like, you can't go up to him and do an accent or whatever. Right, right, right. But I feel like Peter Dinklage is umpity, right?

And you're like more like me. Like, we can take jokes and stuff, is what I'm saying. This is interesting. You think Dinky would be a dinky. Take it, call Dinky. Why? Yeah, call Dinky, call Dinky. It's a horrible nickname for him.

I was trying to give him a nickname, and it just came out. Very condescending. You think little Dinkler? You think Dinklage would be an uppity dwarf, like if Brad made it to you, because here's the deal. Brad, one of our long, long, long, long buddies, he's able to make great jokes about himself,

take the piss of himself, as we say, to kind of like lighten the load of the world. And obviously wants to be treated with respect, but. Give me another Apple Box. Yes. But the guy's got a great sense of humor about it. But do you think, right, that's a valid question. Do you think Dinklage, like you imagine,

okay look, you're on the set of a movie. You go up to Peter and you're like, hey man, great to me, he's like, hey, and you throw out a classic Brad joke. You know, you've got him fucking in the chamber. I know you do. And he looks at you and is like, I don't really fuck with that shit.

Do you think that would be him, or do you think he'd laugh along and make a joke with you? I think that might be him, because he's the guy that when he hosted Saturday Night Live, he told the writers no dwarf jokes in the entire show. So none of the sketches have anything to do with him being a little person. It's never referenced.

Wow. And you, if you got to host that show. Oh, fire away. Yeah. People with the cast members would just. Out of a cannon. They would lean on him, and use him as a fucking, you know what I mean?

Yeah. They don't give a fuck. This guy, this guy's the best. I would play the part. He comes a cane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would play the part of Pete Davidson's dick. That would be my part on this one now.

See, but that's, look, I think, I understand his prerogative, but like, I get the perspective of shitting on ourselves. It's way more fun. It's way more fun. And that in kind of like what you said, it takes the bullets out of the other person's gun, because you're like, oh, now you can't make fun of me

for this, because I'm already doing it. Right. So I like doing it, but obviously I'm not wanting to tell Peter that he's doing it wrong. He's amazingly successful and talented. Yeah, he knows what he's doing. That's one of the reasons why I hate him.

And yet, he's not on Bad Friends. And also, and yet, he did that Gary Oldman movie. Oh, you mean the most offensive movie ever made? Yeah, yeah, he did the most tiptoes. He was on in the most offensive movie ever made. You would have done that movie. Oh, where? Everyone, look at the trailer tiptoes.

Where Gary Oldman did Short Leg? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've shown it on this show, because we know how much you love tiptoes. In fact, one of the searches, the top searches tiptoes movie clip from our show. Yeah. It is?

Don't show it. Yeah, we're not gonna show it, yeah, yeah. Yeah, look, go back to the search, real fast for fun. Like two Academy Award winners. Yeah, there's Andrew. Yeah. Just, Andrew Santino rips tiptoes,

says Gary Oldman can act his way out of a paper bag. Guy can act. Did you see the movie? I did. I watched it and reviewed it for... They have to. It's a part of their... Oh, I see it.

Yeah, hey, never find yourself in this scenario. That is why we watched the movie. 100%. Wow. That's teaching a lesson. It's the worst fucking movie ever. But like there's so much shit I could break down about that movie.

That's just like the way some people watch The Godfather. I watch tiptoes for the exact opposite reasons. Wow. To just break it down in terms of... It's a case study. Yeah. What is the most offensive thing about the movie? Oh, well, I mean...

Aside from the Gary Oldman thing. Yeah. Gary Oldman being on his knees and his arms in his shoulders pinned back so his arms were smaller. That's pretty fucking wrong. Yeah, yeah. But then...

What was the other one? They went to an all-dwarf party. Oh, right. During that one. Oh, right, right. That's where Peter Dinklage was, right? Yeah. And...

In the world of... Peter Dinklage's accent was very offensive because he was saying it was... He said something and then his accent wasn't consistent the entire time. Well, that's a pretty good dwarf dance. That's McConaughey. He's not a dwarf.

Oh, sorry, my bad. Oh, that's McConaughey, my bad. And there's multiple Oscar winners in this movie. That's the crazy part. In the world of... Let's not prop tiptoes up anymore. Yeah. In the world of wokeness...

But it's available on Amazon Prime. If you wanna see the worst movie ever. It's available for streaming on Amazon Prime. In the world of wokeness and equality... Yeah. I think there should be an all dwarf movie. I mean... Or show, or TV show.

Show, yeah. I'm actually... I'm pitching one of those right now. And no tallies. I mean, they're gonna be the victims. There it is. Ah. Yeah.

Victims of what? Like murder? Yeah, it's an all dwarf murder show. It's a dwarf murder show? That'd be fun. Yeah, we're, you know, murder podcasts are real big. So we're trying to do like, all right, but there needs to be a dwarf serial killer.

Has there ever been one? I mean, maybe not killer, but definitely like ACL terror or something like that. I have to go for a better show. Calle to Santos Corino. What? Oh, that's a one guy. Also known as Epicito Orejudo,

the big-ear midget, was an Argentinian serial killer who terrorized... Wait, wait, wait. El Petizo Orejudo. Say it again. Say it how you supposed to say it. El Petizo Orejudo. El Petizo Orejudo.

The big-ear midget was an Argentinian serial killer. Don't say that again. There's no way. I'm reading Wikipedia. I know, but there's no way to say that without laughing. Now I know. That's his name. Now I know how I will identify bad friends,

fans in the audiences of my stand-up series. Is that what I call you? Say it, fancy? El Petizo Orejudo. There he is, dude. He's gonna yell it out. So this guy was a serial killer in Argentina when he was 16 years old.

Wow. Go to his Wikipedia. Let's find out how he died. I want to see how he was like, I wish he would have been a boxer, and that's how he would have been announced. Or like, you know, like a UFC fighter. El Petizo Orejudo.

That's great. Where, and he died from what? Who killed him? Someone finally got him back. A curb, it was too high. Somebody bumped into him. Well. All right, so go on, go zoom into his photo

and that thing below it. It says, how many murder, four murdered, is that what it says? Four murdered two. That's a lot for him. Hey, that's a lot for him. This is my favorite. Four murdered two assaulted, five attempted.

Couldn't get the job done. I don't know. I don't know. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Unfortunately, Andrew, life doesn't come with a user manual. So when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck.

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and important safety information. And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. You know what, that actually makes me proud that there are- You're represented. Yeah. Why don't you do a biopic about this guy, Brad? I'll play him.

I got to now. They're gonna say he's not Hispanic. Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is. I mean- Guy's from Denver. Oh yeah, that's right. My bad.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. From Orange County, but fuck it. Well, you're a Denver fan. Yeah, I'm a Denver fan with sex. That's where I associate you with. Sucks this here. I forgot that you're from Orange County.

I forget anybody's from- Oh, I'm the whitest of the white. Orange County, that is so white. It is really, it's unfortunate to me. Do you know where Orange County is? You've never been down there? No. You would love it down there.

Why? It's all white. Yeah. It's what you love. All white, all white. No, it's- I don't know. No, it's all white.

It's all white and then a lot of Asian. My high school in Orange County was 58% Asian. What kind? Mostly Korean. I meant good or bad. Oh, okay. Yeah. Mostly Korean down there.

Yeah. But that's funny, because you're San Diego. But I understand military kids down by you mostly is what you grew up with, military kids, right? No. You didn't have a lot of military kids? A lot of white people, but not military. God bless.

That was more like Mir Mesa, maybe. Right, right, right. Oh, that's north of you. Papahue, no. But there was a lot of whites. A lot of whites. Yeah. A lot of whites.

And God bless, you know what I mean? I love the whites. They're great people. All right, slow down. What? You don't, so don't. No, you guys invented electricity. That's great.

You want to get into inventions? Yeah, I'll get into inventions. What did Koreans invent? Holy shit, that's a good one. Just put it in there. I know, I know. Kim Jong-un's haircut. All right, so Koreans invented internet cafe.

Okay. Great one. Be honest. Milk cartons. Dude. How would we carry our milk if not for the Koreans? Listen to this list, you guys. Cheering balloon sticks.

Really changing the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rain gauge. What about the MP, what does it say? MP3. MP3s. Okay. Oh, that thing we never use anymore.

But we did. Yeah, for like an hour. Yeah. I don't know, I didn't your head on cheering balloon sticks. Yeah. Yeah, that's a solid one. What's that say? Milk cartons.

Milk and egg cartons. Oh, egg cartons. God bless. Yeah. You invented the wrap around TV. So, you know, watch your fucking tongue. No, I just said that you guys are fucking amazing, man. I know you're being facetious.

Confucius say you're being facetious. Are there any dwarf inventions? Oh, shit. That's the Google app. Besides like devices we have to use to wipe our ass. I was gonna say, I bet you guys, by way of struggling through things, have invented some dope shit.

I mean, I've got a claw that like closes my trunk of my car. Oh, you do, really? Yeah. Wait, it's not odd. Boop, boop, it doesn't do. No, it's a 2014 and they didn't really have it. So, you know what's crazy on the trunk of my car? They have this thing for,

a lot of companies have this now. Let's say you have groceries in your hand. You can wave your foot under the back bumper and it'll close just by waving your foot as a sensor. Oh, wow. Imagine, you just walk right under it and walk right back out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I know what you guys invented.

Probably stilts. Right, I think. Lift lifts, chew lift. Yeah, yeah. I gotta ride those rollercoaster somehow. By the way, look at this guy. This is Carlos, our favorite. He writes, has a dwarf invented anything?

So condescending. I'm so condescending. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First year. Well, German folklore. You're always human to that. Oh, you know what? A dwarf has invented something.

I do know one dwarf inventor. Not necessarily an inventor, but he, all right. The map of the human body, like how, like modern medicine, like where the organs are and everything like that, was a dwarf. I think it was an Italian dwarf. Fuck, I don't know his name. But yeah.

Look at him here, down here. I got the map of the body. Is that Leonardo da Vinci? Was it Mario? Yes. It's a me. It's a me. I drew a map of the human body.

Wait, is Mario his dwarf, right? Yahoo! Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, Toad is. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Toad definitely is. Dude, how was that guy Italian and Japanese at the exact same time?

Yeah, there you are. How was Mario an Italian and Japanese dwarf? He was the first mixed race couple that came. Okay. Like, it's so Japanese. That's amazing. Here we go. Do they have Mario like in the Philippines?

Yeah, we do. What game is it? It's the racing game. What was the original game Mario was in? This is great. Not Leonardo. Who made the first diagram of the human body? Leonardo da Vinci.

He was Italian. Who was a dwarf? Yeah. How tall was Leonardo da Vinci? Yeah. Let's find this out. Because you might be lying. No, no, no, no, no.

He's lying. Leonardo da Vinci was 5'9". Okay, so no. Just out of your range. Did you just make that up? No, I saw it on Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson. What does that guy know? He doesn't know anything.

That was really sad. What? He threw out one guy and it's not even true. Oh, it is. We got to find. Yeah, yeah. I forget what he did or what he discovered or. Maybe it was like he did it for the dwarf body.

In Philadelphia, there's a museum there called the Mudder Museum of Medical Oddities. And I went there because we go to these cities multiple times. You get to see all the stuff and you're like, I see something different. And I went to that museum and there is a full dwarf skeleton right as you walked in. It was weird.

Just a skeleton of a dwarf? Yeah. And it was my type of dwarfism. So everyone else who was there probably thought I was checking on my grandfather or something. Aw. What's your type? What do you mean?

Happy. What's your type? I have. Bro. Bro. I know. Yeah. Bro.

Bro. Bro. Yeah, that's it. Honey, I shrunk Brad. Brad, what is the type of dwarfism you have? I have achondroplasia. Achondroplasia. It's almost common, right?

It's skeleton. I've ever seen that. Would that skeleton even scare you if it was running after you? No, it's so cute. I literally want one. Fancy. It's like, bro, if that thing came from the grave, we wouldn't be scared.

Boo. Hi. Hi. Oh my god, that's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Boo, I'm going to skull a little bottle of it. Wow. Whatever dwarf organization is going to get us for this. Oh, I know, right?

LPA. LPA, Little People of America, yeah, they're getting us. Wait, there is one? Yeah. What are they called? Little People of America? Yes. And they have power?

I mean, defined power. Like eight volts, maybe. No, in terms of like, they're lobbying power. They have a lot of power. I'm not, I didn't ask that condescending. I'm literally learning about an organization. You know what kind of lobbying power they have? Organization.

You ever heard of reaching across the aisle? Yeah. That technically used to be called reaching across the aisle over the dwarfs, is what it was. That's how rude it was. They have no lobbying power whatsoever. Look at him, yeah. LPA is Little People of America.

Yay. Oh, wow. Make no mistake. Brad is someone we love and respect. We love him. We're just having fun, LPA. His wife is beautiful. He's a great stand-up.

I don't view him as anything. That sounds terrible. I don't view him as anything. I don't exist. I'm so sorry. We didn't edit that out. No, leave that in. That's insane.

You have to leave that in. Oh, you're real. I love you. Leave it in. I don't view you as anything. You're like, not even a human to me. No, you're fucking cool. Come on.

I will say this, though. Being buddies with Brad and going out to dinner with Brad in the real world, you've never eaten together, have you? No? No. I think we have. We must have. One time at the Calusa Casino.

That's right. We had a dinner, and that's when I saw your penis. So Bradley and I will. Yours is bigger. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. That's a sad for me.

I mean. Brad and I went out, well, we've gone out multiple times, and steak. And I will say this about fucking Brad. LP aside, this motherfucker can fucking eat. It's insane. And then he'll go. He'll do a thing where he's like, no, no, no, I had less.

I'm smaller than you guys. Nah. The guy had more than I had, wanted to pay half. That's what he says. I pay less. I eat less. It's insane. It makes sense.

Guy gets a tomahawk steak. Yeah. He finishes the whole thing. I'm not kidding. Like, 32-ounce fucking steak. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Doesn't even fucking think twice. Yeah. Well, yeah. I get a baseball fillet. This guy's fucking. He's got the whole cow in front of him. It's a Napoleon complex. I feel like I have to prove myself every time.

Every time we go out for steak, you finish like the biggest steak possible. Can I ask you about Napoleon? Sure. I don't know anything about it, because I've heard that before. Pretend you do. Yeah, yeah. So they say Napoleon complex.

So you assume that Napoleon was small? He was. How old was he? He was 5'6". Yeah. That's average height for that era. Yeah. Right.

So why did they say Napoleon complex? There's a story behind it. Like, it was like, that's how his enemies made fun of him. And then that's the rumor that just spread. But you're right. He wasn't actually that small. Well, they call him small man syndrome. Apparently, he was a tinier man.

So he might have been 5'6", but he wasn't like thick at all. He was skinny. So a skinny 5'6 is small. That's quite small. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Like Carlos. How tall are you, Carlos?

5'6", 5'7". But Carlos is like cancer skinny. Right. Like six skinny. Right. Yeah, like something. Like it's bad. Something happened.

Something happened. Like I didn't even know that. Stage four or something. You don't know how skinny you are. You're the skinniest person I've ever met in my fucking life. Are you serious? How much do you weigh? Like 130.

130 pounds? That's the same weight. That's me in sixth grade. That's Brad. Brad's 130 pounds. I'm 4'4", and I'm the same weight as you. You weigh the same as a 4'4 man. So obviously.

So yeah, obviously. This is a wake up call. We'll wake up. Start beefing up, buddy. No, you've always been thin since I've known you. You've never even been like pudgy. Yeah, I think I would fluctuate a little bit, but. No, but not like.

Are you one of those guys that, and you could eat like anything and then the next day, like you never gain weight? No, I'm actually just super strict about what I eat. He's got a eating disorder. Oh, like he doesn't? Just say it. Does he? I probably have a small one, honestly.

Yeah, like you feel like when you eat something unhealthy, when you eat something unhealthy, you're like bad Carlos. Yeah, yeah, I feel like shit for him. That's not good. Bobby, do you do that? What? Would you eat something unhealthy or are you like bad Bobby? No.

Yeah, no. Would you just have to eat for now when we just had dinner? We had eggs, bacon, and oh yeah, crepes. You had crepes? Yeah, with Nutella. Nutella, and you had little sausage bits. I love little sausages. And toast, and bread, and you had some of Max's pasta.

Yeah, it was good. Brad, let me ask you something. Yeah. Number one, I have two questions. Number one. Six inches. No, I don't, I get it, it's OK. I'm a believer, OK.

He said you're 4'4". No, yeah, no, yeah, we're good. Go on. During when you were growing up, like in middle school, high school, and when this time of year came about, were you bullied at all in any way or teased? It wasn't this time of year. It was any time of year.

All year. Yeah. You were. Yeah. All year. Like, what would be something that really scarred you? Oh, jeez. But so here's the thing is I was always,

and it's kind of why I'm a halfway decent comedian, is that I would literally write jokes at home. And I would write comebacks. So when kids would make fun of me, I would literally do research on them, and write jokes about them. And then when they made fun of me, I would make fun of them, and then I would have the better joke.

You were made to roast. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so there's, I mean, it's a story of one of my specials, but it's true, there was, when I went to kindergarten, my dad had kind of told me that this was going to happen. So we wrote jokes together. And this kid ran out to be in kindergarten when, like, ha ha, you're little, and I just said,

ha ha, your mom doesn't live with your dad anymore. Oh, I love it. Because you can go there. Yeah, and then. Yeah, go for the jugular. I love it. And then I grew up in Orange County, so I had about a 75% chance of giving that right.

So I did. And then the kid cried, and I got sent to the principal's office because I had the better joke. Wow. That's what's funny. You get sent to the principal's office when you have the better joke. Yeah.

It's not who shot first. No, it's like, oh. Who shot to kill. Yeah, and I shot to kill. And then, yeah, and then the principal actually called my dad at work, and then my dad answered, and then he said, like, well, did my son start it or did he finish it?

And then the principal goes, well, he finished it, and my dad goes, well, I got no problem with that. Click. Oh, good dad. What I love about it is that you use your defense mechanisms and survival techniques, and you turned it into a career. Yeah.

That's fucking amazing. It's kind of cool. Yeah, it's cool, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like been training to be a comedian since day one. Yeah. Draft King Sportsbook. Oh, I love betting.

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It's like, I'm a hodgepodge of a bunch of different things, like Dutch, Welch, German. By the way, hodgepodge is a great new name for little people. Yeah, it really is. See that gaggle of hodgepodges over there? The gaggle? What is a group of dwarves called?

Minions, right? Insane. We'll never not bring it back. I can't do better than that, Joe. That's pretty good. What's a group of redheads called? You're called a not of dwarves, a not. A not?

K-N-O-T. Yeah, that doesn't, I don't like that. Well, you tie them together if they get out of control. Oh, that's true. That's what they mean, right? And then? What do you call a group of redheads together, Brad? You're quick enough.

You're in escapes. It's a slipknot. OK. What's a group of redheads, Brad? A rootophilia? A rootophilia. The technical term for the fetish of redheads is rootophilia. Oh, that's a fetish.

A ginger fetish. Oh, yeah, so there goes a bunch of rooties. Is there an Asian fetish? Is that even a real fucking question? It's called the internet. No, Asian male fetish. It's called the internet. No women, no.

Asian women are fetishized, but not Asian men. Well, because you guys aren't at the thing. No, what is the thing? Fucking. What's it called? A large group of Asian people. What do they call them? A noodle of Asians.

Like a primary line. You gotta be fucking kidding me. A noodle of Asians. We already clicked on it before, too. It's not a sushi boat of Asians. Well, you know that it doesn't make sense, because you guys are all layered on top of each other when you're together.

A noodle of Asians. Like a pride of lines or a litter kitten. I love how it gives you practical use of it. I couldn't take a photo of that statue, because there was a noodle of Asians all around. It's insane that somebody wrote that on the internet. The internet is so fucking insane. It's insane.

You know what's offensive about it is that rice and noodles are always associated with Asians, but there are so many cultures that use those things. Not as good as you guys. What do you mean? But you do it the best? Yeah, you might have far too bad. We do rice the best.

Yes. Yes, yes. So you've been to a restaurant like? Go to a fucking white person's house. The rice is going to be shit. It's going to be shit rice. Right. You go to an agent.

Can your wife make some fucking bomb ass rice? Fuck yeah. Different story, dude. Way different story. You don't know, man. You go to a white. What about noodles, though? We can't.

Whites don't do noodles. Italians do it? That's spaghetti. That's different. That's not a noodle. Pasta. Pasta. But is a noodle pasta?

Are they two different things? Two different things. What's the difference? Italians don't make noodles. They make pasta. You guys make noodles. So you never go, can I get noodles with meatballs? No, you never say that.

No, he says spaghetti with meatballs. All right. You're right. Like an adult. Noodles are usually made with flour milled from common wheat. Pasta is processed from durum semolina, which is coarser than typical flour. OK.

So the big difference. I stand correct. You make noodles. We make pasta. OK. Olive garden. That's their slogan. What do you prefer, Brad?

Noodles or pasta? Noodles. Fuck yeah, man. I would have said pasta eight years ago. But then I met my wife and then she made noodles the right way. And I'm just like, oh, this is way better. Pasta for me, 100%. What do you say?

Throw some fur. 100% pasta. All right, in a hot, fuck you guys. In a cold winter day, I'm going to ask the room. Cold winter day, right? Would you rather have a bowl of spaghetti? Like we have right now in Southern California. Cold winter day, 58 degrees.

Yeah. Yeah, chilly winter day. Or would you rather have a nice bowl of ramen? I had, by the way, you're relegating it just to spaghetti. I had fettuccine with short rib last night. So you can go fuck yourself with that bowl of ramen. In fact, we actually said, do you want ramen? Me and the old lady said, do you want ramen?

I said, what if we get that place that we really love and get some fettuccine with some short rib and some of that fucking olive bread? All right. Come on. I guess what happened today. How about you? What happened today when I ripped that bread

and I dipped it in Fred's pasta, would you say? Don't make me say it. Say it. It was good. So fucking good. Because I don't want any bread. I ripped the bread in half. I dipped some of the pasta sauce.

I put it on his plate. You can enjoy both. Nah, we're superior. Pasta over noodles. Look, there's other things that we can't do. But we have udon too. That's a good thing. Udon's fine.

Not as good. Ramen over udon. What about fa? Fa is so bullshit. What? Nobody likes fa. By the way, fa is the same fat. Fa is like pinkberry.

Everybody was like, whoa. And then like a year later, everyone's like, fuck this shit. This stinks. Fa is whack. There's no flavor profile. Glass noodles are whack. See, here's my thing about fa. You can't go get it at a place that has a funny name.

They all have fucking weird names. You just got to go to a place that says fa. If that's all it says, it's good. But if the name of their restaurant is. Fobulous. Go fa yourself or whatever the hell. No, it's not going to be good. The proof in the pudding is that fa has not

lasted culturally longer than it thought it was going to. It thought it was going to keep humming along. You don't like crafty names? I like crafty names. The comedian in me likes it. But in my experience, the food is better at the place like, no, we don't have time for cute names. But is that psychological?

Like this guy, you know what I mean? Well, let me say this. What do people do to you? We've actually, you and I have had this personal conversation for real. What's the thing that people do the most at a restaurant when you go that bothers you the most, that's something they treat you like?

Oh, Jesus. Or what they say to you. Someone always makes the joke kids menu. Yeah, kids menu. They always make that joke. Booster seat. You said one time. Yeah.

And then. Your friends make that joke? No. I'm talking about ignorant people. Just like people in general. That and like, once you become known as a comedian, one day you'll get there, Bobby. Once you become known.

I love you, Bobby. I'm going to love you, Bobby. Please do. But once you become known as a comedian, people when they meet you just think they can automatically get to that level of, OK, we're joking with you. So I've had the thing where the host of the restaurant recognizes me and then looks at the group of four

and goes, so three and a half? Oh my god. And you're just like, you son of a bitch. That's insane. That's so insane that every day deal with that fucking bullshit. You told me one time a guy said to you, I think it was outside of Ray's old place. And you were getting in your car.

And I think that's where it was. And a guy said to you, you need help getting in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, god. No. What? Like getting in the car. Would you ever fucking have the, like,

why would you ever go up to someone and say that? I don't know. You would? You would never help. No, I was just thinking about something else. Sorry, that made me laugh. Say it. I can't.

Say it. And I really mean it, though. Go ahead. I'm about to say it. Please. Dude, we shit and fight him to Magic Mountain so he can hold our stuff while we're on the ride. But you know, because the wall and stuff,

like he could be that guy. We know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm your own locker. You're my locker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you guys want to rent a locker? You've never been there.

We brought one. Oh, I've been. There's like, there's four rides I can't ride. Because I'm. Which one were the four you can't? OK. X2? No, I can ride X2.

You can? Yeah. That's 48 inches. It's the ones that are 52 inch or 54 inch. I'll tell you what's fucking bullshit. It requires. Let me make a statement right now that I stand by. Good.

The fact that you're born with this. Yeah. It is unhelpable. All right. It is something that you cannot control. Right. And they haven't fucking rigged a way to make a seat mechanism so you can ride the ride.

As an adult, it pisses me off because you get on a fucking airplane. You can ask for nine seatbelt extensions, something they can help a lot more than you. I'm not saying all of them, but they can help that out a lot more than you can. Yeah, right. But you're just fucked?

Yeah, and the even more fucked up part about it is the type of dwarfism I have. My torso is average size. Yeah. So they're making this judgment based on, well, if you're 52, your torso is smaller. Because your torso is puny because you're skinny as shit. Yeah, you don't have a big torso.

You could slip. He got slipped right out of a ride. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, he can do it. But then most people, when I go to the barber chair or I go to a restaurant and they go, oh, do you need a booster seat? And I go, no, fucker.

And then I sit down and I'm just as tall as everybody. Right, because your torso's long. Yeah. You saw my legs kick out and you laughed. I saw that. Don't do it again, because he's going to keep looking at it. He got to do it again. That wasn't it.

When you fart, does your legs go up like that? Imagine when he shits. When you shit on the toilet, how fun would that be every time? I shit, I shit. Oh, god. I'm just saying, I'm going to stand by what I said. I think if they're going to make exception for people that are overweight and they say, well,

it's a condition for them to help, they can't fight, that's, you know, they can't help it. It's like, well, then you can't help this disability. Why isn't there a functioning thing that makes it so you could ride rides and do all that shit? Yeah. You do that with your car. You show me your car.

Yeah, it's all tricked out. The weird part is when, like, so I've been to a public bathroom before where, like, all the toilets are high, but then they have the handicap toilet on the side. I'm like, OK, cool, I'm going to go to the handicap toilet. I didn't realize that the handicap toilets a lot of times are higher, but they just have the bars.

So now I'm doing, like, a gymnast routine. Chocolate. Back myself up on the toilet. Assholes. I mean, yeah, the, yeah, when I get into a hotel shower, the amount of times I've had to, like, cirque de midget up the wall to, like, make the spout actually point down.

Oh, that must be a thing. Yeah, because sometimes I turn on the water and it's just hitting the back wall and I'm like, I got nothing. So how do you get up there? You get a chair in there or something? I've fucked up. I've literally called the front desk and had them send somebody up.

No. And, like, lower the shower head because I'm like, I can't take a shower. Fuck you. And I don't want to die trying to climb up there and then slip. How'd Brad die? Well, the shower wasn't right.

You're not going to believe this. But if I read that on Deadline, though. Well, we do be so sad. We do 20 minutes on the show. Yeah, I'd be so sad. And it's strange you say that. I think about that shit all the time. Like, there are so many ways for me to die and it's hilarious.

Like, just because I'm a little person? Yeah, like, give me example. Oh. Car crash? No, no, no, no, no, that's not funny. That's not funny. No, they will. They'll type something like, yeah,

the truck ran over the Mini Cooper. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like falling off a ladder, like a. Or if you died on the 405, your body ended on the five. You got to hit that far. A little person was thrown over the interchange. Yeah, it's like there's like, unless it's like old age or of a disease in the bed, like, that's the only way

it's not funny. If I die any other way, it's funny. Tell me this, has there ever been a dwarf pro athlete? I mean. Come on, man. I'm being serious. That's crazy. OK, there was a guy named Scarimanaloo.

I can't spell that. What's his name? Scarimanaloo. Is he the guy that drew the first anatomy of a body? Turkish weightlifter. See, I told you there was going to be. There's one. Google dwarf pro athletes, because there's

got to be more than one. And by the way, do most LPs not like LP anymore? Is that gone? Is it dwarf now? What's the preferred? Little person in LP are like the two, like, you're safe. LP is. Yeah, you're absolutely safe.

Dwarf, I thought, is safe now, no? Yeah, unless they don't have dwarfism. Not all of them have dwarfism. Oh, yes, Eddie Godel. Yes. Eddie Godel. Yes, a professional baseball player. I remember him.

Had one at bat. Yep. Wait, wait, wait. This is real. That's a real photo. Yeah, there's no way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, it is. That's a real photo.

Eddie Godel. Yeah. Played, had one at bat. St. Louis Brown's doubleheader, 1951 weighing 60 pounds, standing three feet, seven inches tall. Just so we can walk. Wait, wait, wait. Isn't that crazy?

They bribed into a baseball game so we could get a walk. Let me tell you, zoom in to what Louis Brown's owner Bill Vec said. Zoom in right there. As in rec said of Godel, he was by golly the best damn midget that ever played the big league ball. He was also the only one. I love that he threw in a by golly.

But was it like a Rudy situation where like, let him play one game? Yeah, essentially. Born in Chicago, by the way, died in Chicago, my man. I want Rudy to try to be a part of the show right now. Why don't you talk to Brad and ask some questions and say hi. And be honest about because you've only seen them in the tuk-tuk's.

Tuk-tuk's? Whatever that thing that you brought. Doesn't have to be about Brad being his word. You can just talk to Brad and say hi. Right, so just ask any questions. About life. Be a part of the show again. OK.

Hi, Brad. Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you in person, finally. It's good so far. I want to know how you met your wife. I'm curious. Love this.

I love it. About seven years ago, I decided to take a brief hiatus from stand-up comedy. I got offered a morning radio show in San Francisco, California. And I had to move there to do the show. So I moved there. And we're doing the show.

And me and two other people who are now down here in LA, Kevin Klein and Ali, they are now on K-Rock. But I was doing a show with them. And I didn't know anybody because I had to move to San Francisco. And in order to meet people, we decided to play a game called Tinder or Grinder. Every day, I would flip a coin. Basically, when it lands on, I have

to go on either a Tinder date or a Grinder date. This is insane. This is awesome. And that was to meet people. First day, I flipped the coin at landing on Grinder. And I made a profile. And it's just so great that I'm on this podcast. I'm sorry.

I made a profile. And I immediately matched up with a very large, red-headed, bearded man who told me to only refer to him as Ginger Bear. We've been friends for seven years. I think it's a fucking coincidence. He's Ginger Bear. I'm gummy bear. Let's do this shit.

Side note, if I was on that radio staff, I would have waited that coin so you got the Grinder side every fucking time, every time. Go ahead, though. So you're flipping a coin. So I went on the date with Ginger Bear. It was a great date. Gave me a lot of sympathy for women

because I had no sexual interest in this man whatsoever. But at the end of the night, I felt like I owed him something. You give him a little tug? Yeah. Well, you don't make eye contact. Yeah, you just look the other way. Yeah, it's fine. So the next day, we're like, all right,

we're going to play Tinder Grinder again. And then a listener called in and said, yeah, you guys are doing Tinder Grinder. You should try Thrender. And we're like, what's Thrender? And they're like, oh, that's Tinder for people trying to have threesomes. And I'm like, OK, I'm in.

And just so you know, I'm not lying, Tinder sued them for copyright infringement. The app is no longer called Thrender. It's called Field, F-E-E-L-D. You're welcome. So I go on the app. I match with two women. We're all going to go on a date together.

One of the women does not show up for whatever reason. I went on a date with just the other one. And two years after that date, I proposed to that woman. Because when you find a hot Asian that is into three ways, you lock that shit down. So have you ever tried a threesome? Yeah. That's how he met his fucking wife.

You think she was going to do it? Yes. Yeah, it's not every day. It's not every week. It's not in every month. But every now and then. It's great. That's cool.

That's cool. With another girl? Yes. Yes. Never a guy. Never a guy? I've been invited over. She likes you, Andrew.

I've been invited over. You're very cute. No, but this guy, by the way, when we went bowling, when we were in that bowling league at the fucking Roosevelt, yeah, his wife came one time. And you guys brought a girl, right? Or she was meeting you guys there or something like that? No idea what you're talking about.

Yeah, I love it. Right on. Right on. Anyway, yes. Hey, Nicole. Yeah, they do. That's incredible. The fucking party animals do.

Yeah. And it's a lot of fun. Because when people, and we're very successful when we try to do that kind of thing. Because when people see a hot Asian and a dwarf, I mean. You're clicking. I'm clicking. That's everything on the bucket list.

Like, you can't. It literally, it's three for three. You have a dwarf, you have an Asian woman, and it's a threesome. It's the three things that people are looking for. I want to fuck two other people. One's got, one could be, a dwarf would be neat. Yeah.

An Asian woman? Yeah. It's it. It's great. It's funny when I watch. Fucking grand slam. I'm born. I always sometimes, every once in a while, I'll experiment.

And I'll look up Asian, not Asian, dwarf man, right? And whenever I can find a dwarf man with, you know. Just one guy jerking off? No, no, no, no. A dwarf man making love to a woman, right? It's something about it. I just, it really does it for me. What do you think it is?

I think maybe I relate to the dwarf man. I don't know what it is. You see yourself? I think I see myself in them, but I like that. Be back to Rudy. Go ahead. So yeah, that's how I met my wife. OK, next question.

So good at this. I don't know. You're doing good. I'm serious. You're doing great. The first question was a banger. Yeah. You're good.

Don't be shy. Whatever comes to mind. Whatever comes to mind. Whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no limit. There's no, no holds barred here. No wrong answers.

Have you tried a dating app that's only for little people? Oh, that's a good question. That's a good question. That's a good question. I have not tried it, but there is one. What's it called? What's it called? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's guess. Give us a chance. Give us a chance over here. Yeah, yeah. Hold the moment. He was like, what's it called? I don't know if it's still there. I don't know if it's still there.

I got one. OK. What's it called? Thumbel. Is it called Thumbel? Oh, my god. Bobby, I take back every bad thing I've ever said about you. That was the funniest thing I've ever heard of my life.

Oh, my fucking god. If Thumbel isn't a fucking, if that's not a publicly traded company soon, Thumbel is so good, Bob. That's so great. Thumbel. Thumbel. Yeah. That is right up there.

OK, you know, Bobby, did you ever do the opening Anthony show? Yeah. OK, so Anthony, one time I was on the show. Yeah. And they asked me if any dwarves get mad at me because I do stand up and I say the word midget and stuff like that. Yeah.

And Anthony stops and goes, yeah, does anyone call you an Uncle Tom Thumb? That's really good. And you're right up there with Thumbel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right there, man. That's great, Bobby. You still say the M word?

Yeah. But I say all of it. I say dwarf, short stature, LP, little person. But I thought dwarf is OK. Yeah. But M is not OK. M is not OK for a lot of people. I would say most don't like you to say M.

Yeah. But see, for me, it's all about the context and how you're using it because, and I told the story on Marin so I apologize if you're hearing it for a second time. But when I did a show in Odessa, Texas, and there was a heckler, and we had to kick him out. And at the end of the night, show's done. I'm walking to the car with other comedian.

And we see these lights turn on and it's a truck. And they start driving towards us. And some guy leans out the window and just yells out, kill the dwarf. He said, kill the dwarf. Jesus Christ. So I wasn't like, oh, thank you for using the proper term. All right, Rudy, go ahead.

More questions for Brad. I know you've got him lined up. OK. Do you poo every day? Yeah, how do you think they make? Time out. I don't know. Wait.

How do you think we got these things in here? So good. Yes. Reese's Pieces. Yeah, where the fuck do these things come from? The dwarf poll you fucking idiot. But think about that question, right? She equates size with frequency of bowel movement.

Do you poo every day? Yeah, that's the way to do it. So you think that the food goes through the body in it? No, because I don't poo every day. I just want to know. You would think that he would poo more often. Yeah, because it's a shorter way to do it. That's why I'm asking.

No, but that's not what you're asking. You were asking as if, like, do they poo every other day? No, just him, because I don't poo every day. Yeah, so do you poo every day? Yeah. Or you would have asked, how many times a day do you poo? Right, so I don't think that was the question. Anyway, that's interesting, though.

Let her. It's fine. It's her question. Let her dig out of this. So I'll ask it again. Whatever you want to do. Well, yes. So to answer your question, yes.

I have a bowel movement every day. And thank God, and I don't even know if they're a sponsor of this show. If not, they should sponsor me just in general. My tour should be sponsored by these people. Squatty potty. Oh, right, right, right, yeah. Love me a squatty potty.

What's a squatty potty? What do you mean? They used to sponsor the show. Basically, your legs are on the toilet. Yeah. Your legs are on that little thing. They used to sponsor the show. It's what this Apple Box is, but while you're shitting.

Oh, wow. And it's designed to go. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen those. They used to sponsor our show, didn't they? Yeah, yeah, I remember. Yeah, yeah. It's an amazing product. Yeah, it's great.

I love it. And please sponsor my tours. Squatty potty. It straightens out your intestines. You know they say your intestines, if you unravel them, would wrap around the earth multiple times. Do you know that? What?

My own intestines would wrap around the earth? Yeah, multiple. I think it's twice or something like that. It's something insane. Do you ever see the intro? Look, Google it right now. Prove that I'm right. One human being's intestines will travel around the world.

Your intestines can wrap around the earth. If they're when they're unwound, if veins, oh, maybe it's vascular, it's something that can wrap around the fucking earth. I forget what it is. Your blood vessels can stretch around the earth twice, two times. Your blood vessels, there's so many blood vessels.

They say six. That's insane. No, no, it says it cannot stretch. Twice. Your blood vessels can stretch around the earth twice. Brad's can stretch around a basketball twice. Stop it. It's not even funny.

All right, go. One more question. One more question. Come on, make it count. And make it count. Do you count? I don't know. Do you poo every day?

Might have been one of the best ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, be the winner. Let's try one more. You know she's got another one. Traveling around that brain of hers. So much creative energy. You ever looked at a dwarf and, OK, yeah, yeah, go. Have you met Peter Dinklage?

We call him King Dwarf. He rules. I have not met him. He refuses to go to the meetings. He's a bastard. He tried to take the dwarves out of the new Snow White movie. Did he really? Really?

Well, that was the thing he said on Marin. That he was like, oh, they're redoing. They're doing a live action Snow White. And they made Snow White a Latina, which is great. Makes sense. And then they had a. Snow Brown. Yeah.

And then he said like, yeah, but they're still having. They're trying to make this woke Snow White, but they're still having the dwarves in it. You know what made me mad? See, that doesn't make any sense. The dwarves are people. Why wouldn't they still be in it? It was just about a girl and her friends.

Yeah. So this bitch like dwarves. Yeah. Would be made into a live action film. Disney said Tuesday it was consulting with members of the dwarfism community. Well, who are these members? Yeah, were they at the meeting?

Where's like, do we have? Do you got to be in that movie? Where's the dwarf Al Sharpton? Which one are you sleepy? Which one are you? I just want to see the dwarf Al Sharpton. Dude, if you don't get in that fucking movie, we're going to protest.

Yeah. You're like, how many are there? Dwarves? In the world? In the snow whites. Seven. The seventh war, right? Shit, it's in the title.

If you're not in the top seven, you got to be in the top seven. I mean, yeah. Dinklage. Well, who would he be? Let's see which one would you be? You wouldn't be bashful. I know. You wouldn't be grumpy.

You wouldn't be grumpy or sleepy. No. Dopey. You'd be either dopey or what's the other one? Come on. Go over. All right, happy, sleepy, dopey. Happy.

Dopey, dopey. Sneezy. Bashville, Sneezy. You could be Sneezy. No, I don't like that. A few more. Doc. Yeah, Doc. You could be Doc. You could be Doc.

You could be Doc. You could be Doc. OK. You could be Doc. And of course, Bobby will be the Huntsman. Yeah. Let me be the magic mirror. A month ago, I got an audition.

Two months ago, I got an audition for Time Bandits. They're redoing Time Bandits? Yes, and he was doing it is, anyway. And I said no. You said no. Yeah, because they wanted me to read for, oh, the dwarf part. Yeah, but they're not using dwarf parts now. Son of a bitch.

Does that suck? Yeah, they're like. Those are the Time Bandits. Yeah. Well, because Tyka is doing it. Yeah, that's right. You said that. Tyka is doing it.

And I go, there's no way I can't. Oh, Tyka YTT. Yeah. Yeah, well, and this is real. I was in an audition right before the lockdown happened, back when we still did in-person auditions. And I think I did OK for the part. And then they looked at me and said,

just so you know, so you don't get your hopes up, we're really looking for a minority hire. Wow. And I just looked at him like, yeah? Yeah. Because it wasn't a dwarf part. Yeah, it was just a part. And then they're like, oh, I'm your guy.

Yeah, I'm like, yeah, there you go. I'm the only one that still has a separate drinking fountain. Yeah, so would you consider a minority? What comes out of those? Kool-Aid? What comes out of yours? Frosting. How many dwarfs are there in the world, by the way?

Let me see the dwarf world population. Dwarf world population. Yeah. How many dwarfs do you think? Stop. Before you go, how many dwarfs do you think are in the world? Because I think you might. You're right.

I'm doing quick math. It's 1 in every 36,000. 1 in every 36,000? Yeah. Then there's 8 billion people. I can't do that math in my head. Let's go with 800,000 little people. Can I ask you a side note?

Aside from this fucking little talk about little people, why does Adam Ray not like me? Adam Ray loves you. I was not invited to his wedding. Oh, yeah. You were. I was. You were.

Yeah, but why would you? 651,000, Brad. You're pretty close. Wow. Well, yeah, because I sensed it. That's pretty good. Right. You guys know where you are.

How many redheaded people are there in the world? 651,000. Well, the entire country of Ireland. How many redheaded people in the world? Google that population. I'm here. There's only like a million. I mean, it's not that many more than you.

What does it say? 1 to 2% of the human population. OK, so that's. That's more than 600,000. Yeah, 70 million. 70 million. 7,240. Well, that's a big gap.

That's the problem, because they don't fucking know. Yeah. Because most of us stay in hiding. A lot of us don't come out. You have stuff in your stockings, too, if you want to check it out. Well, we'll come over here. OK, that's fine. Did you guys get Brad a stocking, as a guest?

No, I only got YouTube. Where's the stocking? The redheaded. Yeah. Oh, oh, shit, not even. OK, thank you. So for A for Andrew and B for Bobby. B for Bobo.

Oh, wow, look at this. What's that? Andrew on the North Pole Express. Look at this sweet book that I got. What did you get, Bob? What is that, buddy? Is that a butt plug? What the fuck is this?

It's coal. Did somebody get coal in their stocking? Is there a bad boy this year? Bobby was bad. Can I read you this book? Keep doing it, Bobby. Don't keep putting your hand in there. Andrew sees a present wrapped neatly with a bow.

The label has a name, and the wrapping seems to glow. The present is for me, cries Andrew with the biggest grin. Andrew opens it to look inside and suddenly falls in. Andrew's in the frosty woods looking at blue skies to find a world inside a box. Such a big surprise. The signpost on the trail shows which way to go. Santa's house, Andrew says and all,

then runs through the sparkly snow. Andrew spots a village and a family up ahead. Andrew grasps and can't believe they're made of gingerbread. The daddy smells it, Andrew. You wanna see Santa's house, I guess? You'll get there so much quicker on the North Pole Express. Now get in my van and I've got some treats. Take off your clothes, let me warm your feet.

Put them in between my comfy butt cheeks. Now give me a kiss, off we go. Sit on my lap, it's now your seat. What is this? A Jeffrey Epstein Christmas? What is this? It's a Christmas book from Target on Sunset. Kiss me, little Andrew, kiss me right here.

Don't bother if it cries, that's not actually a tear. Wow. What is this? I mean, this was at the checkout aisle. You'll be okay, just keep your mouth closed. Open of course right now and now take off those clothes. Wow. Chug a chug a choo-choo in your poo-poo.

Did I say that in there? No, it sounds like lyrics from the bank of boys. It sounds like lyrics from the bank of boys. I just made all that shit up. But also chug a chug a choo-choo in your poo-poo. By the way, for all the fans of the show, when Andrew starts reading the book, isolate the clip. No, no, no, Bobby.

When Andrew starts reading the book. He's pissed off. Just look at Bobby and someone put the song. Hello, darkness, my little friend. Bobby got cold and he's upset about it. So Bobby say goodbye properly to our guest and say thank you for being here. Thank you Brad, thanks for being here.

Well, I'll tell you how to be honest with him. Not being real, I really want, no, okay, let's go with real. Sorry. I've always loved you. I think you're a beast and I think that, it was a real surprise that I knew you were coming today. It was a blessing.

Merry Christmas to you. It's a Christmas miracle. It's your Christmas miracle. Happy Hanukkah. And happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah, Kanya. Kanya and then Kyrie. And thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. I love being a bad friend. Let's have Rudy say it and then Brad say it. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. You're perfect.