Bad Friends - We Go Cruising

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, Bob Lee here. I normally don't promote dates, but I'm going to be at the Brea Improv, May 3rd and May 4th. Come check it out. Hey, it's Andrew Santino. I definitely promote dates. I'm going to be in Tampa April 26th, 27th. Then I'm going to Phoenix May 3rd and 4th when he's in Brea. Then I'm in Nashville May 10th and 12th in Dallas, Texas, May 31st. Then I go to San Francisco. We added shows in Dallas and San Francisco. Go to AndrewSantino.com for tickets. AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends.

Starting point is 00:00:29 Who are these two idiots? Woo. White dude and Asian dude. Woo. You two are disgusting. Woo. Are you two or something? We're bad friends.

Starting point is 00:00:40 Put the lotion in the basket, Jesse's girl. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, back. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's back. Thank you for having me. I wanna talk like this the whole time. Oh good, that'll be good for us. It's a new character I'm working on, guys. You'll see the variety of characters I come up with this year. It's because you've been having a lot of sex. Oh, what about this guy?

Starting point is 00:01:14 I can do that too. I'm not having any sex. I thought you were. No, that's crazy. That's crazy talk. He's having a lot of sex. No, I'm born again Christian. Then what's this?

Starting point is 00:01:22 Oh wow. What's that? What's this? Oh? Right Wow The fake paparazzi who's that I don't know that I don't know who that person is who's that? Watch what she does here though We got Bobby Lee getting into his tent. I go so this is what happened. We go around the car. She's so nervous. Then I go, what are you doing on this side? Go around.

Starting point is 00:01:49 She was... She thought you were Uber? She was like, what is going on here? Because they're flashing. And then she was like, I can go around. You should have opened the door for her. I don't do that anymore. Why?

Starting point is 00:02:01 What do you mean, anyway? Because I'm Jesse's girl. Oh, you're Jesse's girl. Yeah, anyway. So, wait a minute. What's a Hollywood curtain? Where was this? What restaurant? Oh, I'll show you what it's called.

Starting point is 00:02:12 I forgot. It's an Italian restaurant called. God, you're so famous. I'm not fam, shut the, I love you. Giorgio Baldi. Yeah, Giorgio Baldi. Oh, nice. Have you been there?

Starting point is 00:02:22 No, no, I'm not fancy like you do. Shut up! You're more fancy than me! You're the one that knows all the restaurants in every city that we go to. You're the one that knows all the... You have to do the playlists. Whenever we're in a restaurant, I got the playlist

Starting point is 00:02:34 because you know all the music. You know everything. So don't tell me that you don't know. I wish I had Jessie's girl! Okay? Bobby Lee steps out with an unknown female on a rainy night in L.A. Doesn't bother opening the door for her

Starting point is 00:02:48 to his dented Audi A5. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Bobby, Bobby. Is that your dented Audi? Shut up. That's awesome, dude. That's so cool to get paparazzi'd like that. So here's, I want to start off the show by saying,

Starting point is 00:03:06 I want to apologize to the people, the women that have been in Miss America pageants, and then they, you know, they get asked that question when they're in their bathing suit or whatever. And what I realize is this, those pageant questions are difficult. Let's hear it. No one can answer. So I want to do a thing to see if we can answer

Starting point is 00:03:27 if we were a Miss America. Good. Here are the categories. What do you mean? There's categories? Yeah. It's like true, yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:37 No, but you know how they, so give me, so I'm Miss Korea. You wish. Yeah. Yeah, you're Miss North Korea. I can be North Korea? You sure could. All right.

Starting point is 00:03:47 You know, so I'm up there in my bathing suit. And who's the guy, who's the Mexican dude that does it? Mexican dude? Yeah, who's the guy that Holly, Mario Lopez? Oh. Is that his name? Yes, Mario. Mario, doesn't he sometimes ask it?

Starting point is 00:04:01 Let's go back to when Trump used to do it though. All right, all right. How did you prepare for this pageant? How did you prepare? Miss North Korea, some say best sedates. Not that question, give me another question, like more of a worldly question, here we go. What pageant queen did you look up to?

Starting point is 00:04:18 So I'm, Miss. Give me the question, zoom in. Yeah, Miss, yeah. All right, here we go. All right, Miss North Korea, what makes you unique? Oh, what made me unique is that... Hold on, hold on. Stop, stop for a second.

Starting point is 00:04:32 You're already done. That's insane. You lose. I know. I want to do it. I want to say... It's very difficult. It's very difficult.

Starting point is 00:04:40 But I want to be as... I don't want to go for comedy. I want to really see if I can answer it as Miss Something. You don't want to go for comedy. I wanna really see if I can answer it as it missed something. You don't wanna go for comedy? No, I wanna just see if I can be like, if I know. If you don't wanna go for comedy, take this bit to that Tiger Belly show that you did. Go ahead now.

Starting point is 00:04:58 I'm just kidding. I missed Korea, go ahead. Jesus. Okay. Head on, head on. Okay, that one's good, that one's good, that one I like.. Hello, hello. No, okay. That one's good. That one's good.

Starting point is 00:05:07 That one I like. All right. Miss North Korea, if I gave you a thousand dollars, what would you do with it? Oh, for me, what I would do is I would save some for future. I would save, buy my parents a meal. I would probably invest for my family, but then also give. Give to the community and give them, you know, food. Very good.

Starting point is 00:05:33 Is that good? Not really. Okay, all right, let me ask you now. Go ahead. Who are you, Miss Ireland? Sure. You hate this bit. No, I love it. All right. I am Miss Ireland. All right, right. No I love it.

Starting point is 00:05:45 All right. I am Miss Ireland. All right. No, I really like it. But I, yo, I'm Mario Lopez. That's, okay. I don't know how to do an impression. No, that sounds like him.

Starting point is 00:05:54 Yeah, what's up, what's up? Mario Lopez here, what's up? Oh, so Miss Ireland. Are you doing George Lopez or Mario Lopez? Which one are you doing? I'm doing a combination. Okay. All the Lopez.

Starting point is 00:06:07 All right, I'm Miss Ireland. All right. Go on then for the judges. Yeah, so Miss Ireland. Hi. If I have an imaginary box in front of me, what's inside of it? Well, it's up to your imagination.

Starting point is 00:06:22 I mean, if you had an imaginary box in front of you. Yeah. Yeah. What would I hope is inside of it? Yes. World peace. Wow. That's so good. Hoping you would open the box and world peace would break out. That's so all over the world. Stop the wars. Give back the hostages.

Starting point is 00:06:38 OK, what do you miss, Phoenix? I thought you were going to say a pot of gold. Oh, I'll be Miss Phoenix. Yeah pot of gold. What, you miss Phoenix? Thought you were gonna say a pot of gold. Oh, by the way. I'll be Miss Phoenix. Yeah, Miss Phoenix. All right. I like how you guys were countries, but. I'll just be a-

Starting point is 00:06:53 Phoenix is kind of its own country. Yeah, that's true. All right, Miss Phoenix, put the mic up close. It puts your arm- No, it keeps falling down. Well, tighten it up. Who was sitting in this chair, by the way? It's really stretched out.

Starting point is 00:07:02 The goop. He's been sitting here. Miss Arizona, hi. hi yo Mario Lopez here what's up what's up and we got Trump here too man. Hello Ms. Arizona one of my favorite places to golf and get hookers. Yeah if I let me ask you a question if I looked at your social media what would I notice first? Hi I think my social media, you would see me helping a lot of children getting off the heat. They're boiling out there on the sidewalks, just boiling children, and I go out there

Starting point is 00:07:30 and I scoop them up and I have a really air conditioned basement that I, wait, can I start over? That's quite weird. I shouldn't have told you about the basement. I give a lot back to the homeless. When I look at your social media, Ms. Harris, I look for your tit basement. I give a lot back to the homeless. When I look at your social media, Ms. Harris, I look for your tit pics.

Starting point is 00:07:52 When your boobies are out. Okay, here you go. Miss North Korea. Yes. Hi. This one's so good. Hello, hello. Do you support Medicare for all?

Starting point is 00:08:01 See, this is where it gets hard. Yeah. These are the questions that fuck you up. Oh, totally. Do I support, you repeat the question always, to kill time. That's smart. Do I support, what is it again? Miss North Korea, do you support Medicare for all?

Starting point is 00:08:19 Well, in North Korea, we don't have a Medicare. We don't even have a care. We got what we call nothing. So I support Medicare if you care for people. Medicare less? Medicare less. That's what we have there in North Korea. But if in United States, I believe that everyone have right to do to get healthcare.

Starting point is 00:08:41 I think it's a human right. Okay. Ms. Arizona, recently President Trump has said the United States has an immigration crisis at the southern border. Do you agree? Why or why not? Yeah, well, especially since he's here. I really agree.

Starting point is 00:08:54 Answer carefully, bitch. I really was disappointed when Arizona turned blue. If you elect me as your woman president, I will... What? Yeah, MA MAGA. She's a mega girl. She's not running for president No, miss America's woman president. It's what? President for women. Yeah Okay. Oh, this one's really no, no, I'm gonna ask you now. Oh, I see the one I want next Okay, miss Ireland. Okay, you'd be someone on Italy could be Italy now. Okay, I Ireland, be someone else. Italy. Go be Italy now. Okay, Miss Italy.

Starting point is 00:09:26 Miss Italy, many Americans believe we should focus on fixing the Earth before traveling into space. How do you feel about NASA's missions to the Moon and Mars? Well, to be honest, I don't give a shit about moon and Mars. To me, it's all about on the, you know, just to be in Capri and be on the island and smoke and drink. Yeah, yeah. Yes. In Italy, we don't care about any of this bullshit.

Starting point is 00:09:59 Wow. We want to fuck and eat. Thank you, Mrs. Italy. I used to fuck a guy named Mars. Oh, Bruno. Yeah, Bruno. Yeah, you fucked Bruno. He come here to perform.

Starting point is 00:10:10 I let him suck on my titties out on the beach. But for the most part, I don't care. Go to Earth, don't come back. Fuck off. It's okay. Yeah. You also fucked Dana Moon. Yes, the comedian.

Starting point is 00:10:22 Yeah, the comedian. Only when she is in the character. Oh, I see. Yeah. All right, Miss North Korea, finally. Why, why, why do I? Okay, sorry about that. Give me different country.

Starting point is 00:10:32 Yeah, Miss Japan. Miss Japan. Hello. What does it mean to be a woman? What does it mean to be a woman? Oh my God, it means so much. It means to give life. Being woman is about being nurture.

Starting point is 00:10:48 It's about warmth. It's about, you know, care. You know, care? That's what it is. That's a really good answer. Nurture, warmth, care. Yeah. That's really sweet.

Starting point is 00:11:03 I'm trying to be, you know, there's no comedy there But I I don't think should a woman give head Yeah, yeah, she's very nasty, but I'm trying to give answers that's gonna win me the competition that is good You would not win but you do good. You'd fare. Okay. What do you mean? If I was a hot girl, I would win with that answer. No, you wouldn't if I was a hot girl Cuz what does it mean to be a woman? No, you wouldn't if I was a hot girl because what does it mean to be a woman?

Starting point is 00:11:31 So much right it means everything it does mean it's everything yeah power power Good you much power you guys have no not really I Don't think I'm using all the power. You know what you know what you're like You're like Wolverine not using the claws. Yeah, you got to use them. Yeah use them. Yeah, you don't ever use your power. Okay, just give me an example where I can use my women power. I don't wanna. I mean, you know. Go ahead.

Starting point is 00:11:54 No, I don't know. I'm not using my full potential. Well, can I just, I'll tell you. Smoking like a true woman. Yeah. Okay, so maybe I am doing it. No. You're doing it perfectly. No, I would just be like, if was a woman, I'll just say how would I use my power?

Starting point is 00:12:09 Okay. Okay. Yeah, I would have an Olifans, right? And I would just take my vaginal lips like a bat wing and just be flying Like flying, yeah Right. Yeah. Yeah, and I would get a bunch of followers on right. That was five years. Yeah. Yeah. Anyone can come in. Open open for business. Yeah. And then retire. I saw a girl do a video about the house she bought with the OnlyFans money. It was like, I don't know, a TikTok or something. And it was incredible. She's like,

Starting point is 00:12:41 I'd like to thank 200,000 men all around the world for buying me this house. And I was like, that's fucking amazing. And it was huge. It was such a nice big house. Is that only fans eight? No, no, no. Luxury house tour 21 year old only fans model. Is that it? Welcome to my house. Oh, yeah. This is my house tour where I show you around my humble abode. This is a really long awaited video. I've been at my house for seven months. Finally got everything how I want it. I'm such perfectionist.

Starting point is 00:13:17 I literally wasn't going to show you guys without making it perfect. We are starting on the bottom floor. I've got three floors. We're sat inside the house because I'm not gonna show you guys outside the house for private. It's funny that we just talked about like the depths of being a woman

Starting point is 00:13:31 and then we clicked on this video. This was the most powerful woman you're telling? This is the most powerful woman in the world. She's running for president next year. She might win. You know what? I apologize. To whom?

Starting point is 00:13:43 To Jessie. Why? I'm saying that you're not using your power. You are using your power. You're doing it in the right way. I think you were joking, right? I was. I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:13:53 Oh no, you're being serious? Yeah, when it's like- Yeah, I was kidding. Yeah, I was obviously killing, kidding, but I'm just saying just jokes aside though. I think that you work so hard, you take so many risks, and you walk through so much bravery,

Starting point is 00:14:07 and you do it with ethically and- Can I ask you something? What? What does walk through bravery mean? I like that, but I don't know either. When you walk through bravery, what is that? Well, you have bravery, right? Yeah, I see it.

Starting point is 00:14:21 You know what it is? Yeah. A vision it. Hold on, let me, yeah, I see it right there. There it is? Yeah. A vision it. Oh, hold on. Let me, yeah, I see it right there. There it is. All right. You know what a cartoon brick wall is? I mean, I kind of, it's probably,

Starting point is 00:14:30 I'm guessing it sounds like what it is. Yeah. Now think of a cartoon brick bravery wall. Got it. Right? Yeah, I got it. Now imagine just going through it. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what it is.

Starting point is 00:14:43 Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It took me a second, but I guess. Maybe I said that wrong. No, you didn't. You're brave, but you also walk through it. Oh, wow. Is that better? Much.

Starting point is 00:14:54 But I could be using my pussy way more. Oh yeah. I'll be unstoppable. Pull, pull, pull, pussy. When you see a video like that, how do you feel? Aroused. The OnlyFans video girl? Yeah, doing a house tour. I feel like good for that fucking chick

Starting point is 00:15:12 for making money off people that wanted to pay to see her and then she bought a house. Me too, that's good. Fucking rad. Iggy Azalea made $9.2 million On OnlyFans. On OnlyFans and it's only, and it's April. Wow.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Holy fucking shit. Wow. Holy fucking shit. Yeah. Coco Austin, that's, I don't know who that is actually. Mia Khalifa, the porn star. Erica Mina, Tana Mandju, Gemma McCourt, Denise Richards? The actress? Where the fuck is that report from?

Starting point is 00:15:44 Does that say Tokyo News? Tuco News. Same thing. I love it. I get all my news from Tuco News. Yeah. By the way, guys, forget Fox or CNBC. Tuco News is going to have the plug on all the way.

Starting point is 00:15:55 Iggy Azalea made $9.2 million so far in 2024. That's insane. Fucking bonkers. That's great. No, That's insane. Fucking bonkers. That's great. No, that's insane. Give us some. How come we're not doing a Bad Friends OnlyFans? I know.

Starting point is 00:16:11 How much do you think we can make though? Not a lot. Yeah, yeah. I'll show my taint. You do every night anyway. That's free. Yeah, it's free. I give it away for free.

Starting point is 00:16:19 Yeah. Denise Richards is not naked on her OnlyFans. There's no fucking way. Is that her? Yeah. Yeah. Subscribe. Oh fucking way. Is that her? Yeah. Yeah. Subscribe. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:16:28 You have an, yeah, he has an account. Yeah, yeah. You know he does. Subscribe, it's free for 30 days. And then after that, forget to cancel and you'll be charged $35 a month. Big deal, get over it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:38 Well, can you zoom down to see if there's any, like, there we go. So it's her getting her hair done, her in gowns, there's her tushy. OK, good for her. I'm saving it. I'm saving it because I got a lot of heat right now. A lot of thanks to you guys.

Starting point is 00:16:52 So if I get to like 70 and I don't have any more heat, then I'll release them. I think you should save this. Save it till marriage. Save your OnlyFans till marriage. Once you get married, then open up an OnlyFans. Well, then, yeah, my husband can film it. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, you got a partner in crime. Then I went to the La Jolla Comedy Store last week and I walked in Once you get married, then open up in OnlyFans. Well then, yeah, my husband can film it. That's right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:05 Yeah, you got a partner in crime then. I went to the La Jolla Comedy Store last week and I walked in and this girl that's working there, her name is Char, she's a Middle Eastern comedian. She's from Poway, she lives in Poway. Yeah. And she goes, I'm the one that's, I have your OnlyFans, not your,

Starting point is 00:17:19 the Bobby Lee Army fan page, and I run it. Oh, that's cool. That was so sweet. I know, it's nice that's cool. That was so sweet. I know it's nice to meet you, she was so sweet. What were you doing down in La Jolla, you just did a pop in? No Saturday morning I woke up, so I went to the Valencia Hotel, spent the night there.

Starting point is 00:17:35 Went to the store and then spent the night there to give Dan a 40 year cake. I saw the photo. At his men's meeting. 40 year sober anniversary cake. Shout out Dan, he was awesome. It was great because. It looked like a supermarket cake.

Starting point is 00:17:50 Didn't miss that, I'll tell you that. You're really gonna fucking piss me off today. I'm not in the mood to fucking play right now, dude. I mean, what does one have, number one, do you know how AA meetings work? No. Okay, so every week, and Carlos can back me up, right? You look like a supermarket cake.

Starting point is 00:18:06 Dude, you're a fucking piece of shit. Fucking piece of shit. So this is how it works. Was it? Was it? This is how it works, man. Where was it? Was it Ralph's?

Starting point is 00:18:18 I don't know, I didn't even look at the cake. It was Vons? Yeah, this is how it works. John. Every year, they do like a, you know, they do they do a group consensus, not group, a group meeting where they nominate people that do like chairs. It's always a newcomer and they go, who wants the cake commitment? Some newcomer raises his hand, I'll do it.

Starting point is 00:18:38 So every week his job is to go to anywhere and buy a cake and bring it to the meeting. I don't know where the fuck it's from But that's not the point of the birthday. I see 40 years of sobriety is a huge deal man That's what I thought it would be a better cake What's wrong dude? Wow, I love it. Yeah, they didn't say sober for 40 years for the cake. Yeah. Yeah, but, but kinda. You've been mothin' off, Dan. It's the baby. I think it's keepin' him up at night.

Starting point is 00:19:08 He's gettin' a little bitter and angry. Anyway, so I went to this men's meeting. Look at that fuck, you look like a highlighter, by the way. You look like a stupid fuckin' highlighter. Right? Ooh. Above my head. He looks like a fuckin' highlighter.

Starting point is 00:19:23 Look at him. He wants to be noticed, so. Yeah. Right colors. Yeah. Look at how loud that outfit is. It's like he fell out of a time portal from 86. It's insane.

Starting point is 00:19:34 It's just. Yeah, can I say something, McClellan? And I'm being honest. Yep. You don't look good. It looks ridiculous. When you go outside, it's like, you look like a fucking nerd.

Starting point is 00:19:47 Like, no, but not the candy. Right, yeah. The colors of the candy. Nerds candy. The colors of the candy. Yeah, you do look like a nerd. Not even a nerd. Yeah, you're not even cool enough to be a nerd.

Starting point is 00:19:56 Nerd, yeah, yeah, you're the nerd candy. It's like, these are colors that are so unnatural and they don't even look good. I love you, man. I love you too, but is that what the kids are doing? So... Rocket Money! Y'all, y'all.

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Starting point is 00:20:23 Before I started using Rocket Money, I thought I had, I don't know, I don't know, like two or three subscriptions. And by the way, had like 10, had no idea. I couldn't believe when they showed me I was paying for nonsense. And Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, I have full control over my subscriptions and a clear view of my expenses. I can see all of my subscriptions in one place, and if I see something I don't want, Rocket Money can help me cancel it with a few taps. I like how they have a dashboard that shows you the monthly spending compared to last

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Starting point is 00:21:28 Yeah! Ow! Oh, my back. Ow! Oh, I'm crashing you. My back too. Yeah, my back. My arm.

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Starting point is 00:22:44 Why did we go here? We go? This was actually like, he was like a 20 minute explanation. I wanted to buy this when I was in like middle school, but like, it was like old Tyler the Creator shit, but I couldn't afford that back when I was like in middle school or high school. So now it's just like, you know what? And now it's very loud, but you know, live that out. Come over here. I want to see your whole outfit. God, you're such a wiener. I want to see your whole outfit.

Starting point is 00:23:05 God, you're such a wiener. What a wiener. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's loud. Yeah. Your outfit is screaming right now. I gave you that jacket. It blends in exactly with the show.

Starting point is 00:23:17 Look at where we are. You did great. I blended more with the show than you do. Whoa. It's offensive. Careful. Go sit back in the booth before you get assaulted. So he's just, I've been gone for three months,

Starting point is 00:23:28 so he just disrespects you like that? 100%, he does it all the time. It's nonstop. Wow, I can't believe how things have changed around here. No, you don't have to worry about that. I literally just got so angry. Like I haven't been that angry. I'm not kidding you.

Starting point is 00:23:43 Why are you just internalizing it? Usually you just take the shit out of it. I didn't know what to do. I was like, am I gonna go to prison right now? Dude, he literally crossed the line. He does it all the time. His tone. If you stabbed him,

Starting point is 00:23:54 you wouldn't even see the blood on that outfit. Wow. Wow, you know what? I am gonna dictate my behavior based on your behavior. Me? Not you. I know I was looking at you, I'm sorry. What I did.

Starting point is 00:24:06 You're the only bright spot in the room. That's why I can only look at you, Jess. Let's show off your tattoos. That's what I really wanna see. Okay. Show off the tats. It's new tats, we haven't even talked about it. So I got this one.

Starting point is 00:24:19 Comedy store. The comedy store one. It's actually so cool. It's like Fine Needle, right? Fine Needle. I love that. And I got this, uh, Matt TV one. It's me. cool. It's like Fine Needle, right? Fine Needle. I love that. And I got this Mad TV one. It's me.

Starting point is 00:24:27 He got me on his arm. Yeah. And the next three I'm gonna get is I'm gonna get a Bad Friends. Yeah. I'm gonna get an Arsenal one. Dope. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:38 Are you gonna get the Cannon? Yeah, the Cannon. And then I'm gonna get a Tiger Belly. I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah. I think that's it. Well, let me say this. Do you know the name of the Mad TV character?

Starting point is 00:24:51 I'd be interested to know. Who knows in this room without looking it up? Raise your hand, hold on. No, no, don't say it out loud. Don't say it out loud. Do you know? I thought I did, but now I can't think. It's a-

Starting point is 00:25:01 It's three, three, three, well, it's- Two words and I'm- A- a- It's three, three, three. Well, it's- Two words in a- A-E-N. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know it, McCone, you do? Alfred E. Newman. Alfred E. Newman.

Starting point is 00:25:12 Alfred E. Newman. Do you know the history behind Alfred E. Newman? I mean, I know the Mad Magazine, and he was originally a one-off character, and then quickly into the magazine, like 10 or so years into the initial run of the magazine, it became the forefront and they put him up for president every year and yeah elections got too ridiculous Do you know why the name Alfred E Newman? Do you know why the name I don't even know do you guys know? Look it up. I

Starting point is 00:25:35 Feel like you don't know. Yeah, you're like, I don't know just tell us don't look it up. Don't look it up You tell us maybe he doesn't know don't look it up. You tell us you fuck face. I don't like the games you play Hey, yeah, I don't know I knew it now look it up. Yeah, I caught you dude the precise Yeah, I'm only the earliest images ever time before Al Moore's Mint's Meat. So it was based on someone, look at those images they pulled from. So dope.

Starting point is 00:26:09 That one on the right, that's me. That's you. That's 100% me, fancy fuck you. When 1908 what? Yeah 1908, an Antikamania tablet calendar. Wow. So the character goes that back that far. Well, it's based, no, it's drawings based on those. Yeah, me's a WrestleMania tablet calendar. Wow. So the character goes that back that far, huh? Well, it's based, no, it's drawings based on those.

Starting point is 00:26:27 Yeah, me worry, why? I buy auto parts from James Evans. Right, so look, that was another ad from 1930 they pulled from, because they used to, Alfred E. Newman used to have a phrase that said me worry. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they kind of bit that. So they stole that from the 50s, from another camp.

Starting point is 00:26:42 Wow. So he was stolen. So this is your rockin' stolen valor tattoo right now. Yeah. Stolen valor. It's kinda crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. I never asked when I was on the show.

Starting point is 00:26:55 What it was about or what it meant. Yeah, because- New Boy, 1894. Wow. Wow. What's the good of anything? Nothing. I gotta tell you, that looks exactly like me as a kid. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:04 You're Alfred E. Newman, dude. Whoa. I wish. Do the smile. That's the guy, dude. If I had a gap in my front teeth, it'd be exactly like me. Me worry.

Starting point is 00:27:17 Yeah, his catchphrase is, what? Me worry? It's really funny. And they used to say that on a magazine. What? Me worry? Question mark. I liked the back of the magazine where you had the match, the folding paper. I liked that. And they used to say that on a magazine. What? Me worry? Question mark. I liked the back of the magazine where you had the match, the folding paper.

Starting point is 00:27:28 I liked that. Yeah, that was very cool. That was fun. Do you remember Mad Magazine? Do you ever have it? It was like as a little girl, too much. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was too- What? I don't know. I never got into it as a little girl. The name Alfred E. Newman,

Starting point is 00:27:40 derived from the comedian Henry Morgan's Here's Morgan radio series on mutual ABC and NBC. Character on the show, the name, the reference to the composer Alfred Newman, who scored many films and composed the familiar fanfare that accompanies 20th Century Fox's opening film logo. Wow, the guy that's in... Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.

Starting point is 00:27:58 Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Wow. That's MGM. Oh, sorry. I bet. My bet, the lion. No, that's good though. But that was dead on lion though. That was very good.

Starting point is 00:28:13 That was very good. Very good. Yeah. I wanna get my tattoo. I'm sad you went without me. We had this whole thing you guys said when I did the podcast. What do you wanna get?

Starting point is 00:28:24 If we get you to 100,000 followers, we're all getting tattoos. And thing you guys said when I do what you want to guess if we get you to a hundred thousand followers we're all getting tattoos and then you guys backed out immediately you have a hundred thousand followers on way over way over and Vegas I was trying to get you because of you you created a monster well when you get to a million we'll get tattoos yeah no that one I promise you know you know when I was proud of you though? When? Last week. You had a follow, it was hard hitters.

Starting point is 00:28:49 It was Thursday night. That was hard. It was me. Roy Wood Jr. Roy Wood, Roy, Roy, Roy. Whoa. I fucking love that guy. Yeah, I love him.

Starting point is 00:28:59 So funny. He's so funny. And then, a tell did a pop in. Yeah, right before I went on. Right, so then you went up and I watched maybe three minutes of your set and you were fighting. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:11 It was incredible. But you won, you beat him. I held my own. Yeah, I think you did. It was tough. It was incredible. He called me, he goes, how was your set? I go, longest 15 minutes of my life.

Starting point is 00:29:21 It's good, I like those nights. Yeah, yeah. We all need those nights. But anyway, I was proud of you. Thanks, Bobby, that means the world to me. I think you need those 15 minutes. I think you need those nights. Like when I first got past, I remember those nights.

Starting point is 00:29:34 They were tough. I hated doing them sometimes. Cause you were just, you're trudging through the mud. Sometimes you think, man, but then when it finally starts to flip consistently, something happens. I always say, it reminds me of like learning to ski or snowboard.

Starting point is 00:29:51 It's like oddly impossible when you first start doing it. You're like, why am I falling? Like I know how to not fall. What the fuck am I doing? And then something flips, something weird flips where you gain so much confidence in learning how to be on your edges that you're like, oh, that's okay.

Starting point is 00:30:08 I'm not gonna fall. It doesn't matter. The same point about ice skating. Cause when I, what? I don't know why that made me laugh. He was a champion ice skater, don't do that. No, no, but I was on the, you know, I was been on a bunch of ice hockey teams.

Starting point is 00:30:21 Triple ax holder. Oh, a triple ax hold. That was your name on the ice. First of all, Korean. Da na na na na na na na na na na, triple ax hold. Yeah, but Koreans rip it in the Olympics with ice skating. With what event? Not the speed skating?

Starting point is 00:30:39 Remember that Korean girl that won the gold? The Korean lady? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, her, look at how emotional she is. I love watching ice skating. Look at that face. There are no more ice. That's what that face is.

Starting point is 00:30:50 That's just her face. Oh, that is, oh. That's when it's just cold in there. Yeah. It's shivering. Yeah, she's freezing, the poor girl. But can I go back to my... I hadn't ice skated in like 25 years,

Starting point is 00:31:03 and then once I hit the rank, I just knew how to do it. Oh yeah, right. Once you learn it, it's just in your, like riding a bike, it's just ingrained into your thing but like, you know, when you're learning something new, especially at my age now, it's just, yeah, fuck it. I'd like to say, it's also like riding a bicycle. Cause I rode a bicycle for a long time

Starting point is 00:31:22 and I took a lot of time out. I just said it. What's going on? You know what it's kind of like with standup? It's kind of like riding a bike. Kind of. A BMX bike. It's kind of like riding a BMX bike with pegs.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Yeah, except you're sitting down. Yeah, of course. You're not standing up. It's crazy. I have no idea what's going on. I had a great time in Houston. Shout out to Houston. Had a great time down there, Houston.

Starting point is 00:31:43 And then they took me to one of the local stand up spots. And boy oh boy, Houston knows how to get down. You know what I mean? They have like the strip of cars where people just show off their cars and shit. And they were like bumping with like LED lights underneath. One dude had his trunk open and I'm not kidding.

Starting point is 00:32:02 He had a fucking- Let me guess. He had a bunch of families in there. Yeah, he was taking- Yeah. Am I wrong? No, he was taking them to- He was taking sweet potatoes. Taking rice, yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:12 He's selling sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes, yeah. Okay, what else? But look at it, just like that. So the dude had in the back of his trunk, I'm not kidding, I'm not, it said, pull me over. I'm not kidding. Pull me over.

Starting point is 00:32:23 Oh, haunting the cops. Yeah. And by the way, in the back, look in the back. So some of them have speakers. This guy had a fucking diorama of like the city of Houston. He had like the cityscape in the back of his trunk. Wow. But it said, pull me over. And I thought I was asking the local comics.

Starting point is 00:32:35 I was like, so these guys just ride around like this, they don't get in trouble at all. He's like, nah, the cops know that they might have guns too. So they don't even wanna pull them over. I was like, that's so funny. In LA, they'd get pulled over in seconds. Yeah. You know what's illegal to cruise on Sunset?

Starting point is 00:32:49 Do you know that? What do you mean? They just reinstated it. Again. Oh, wow, okay. No, do you remember back in the day, dude, you just brought me back, dude. Back in the day at the store when I was young, right?

Starting point is 00:33:03 There was cruising. There was people with those kind of cars, a bunch of chicks, you know what I mean? Players. Yo, what's up? Player. Yeah, players. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:17 I got it, yeah, yeah. Is that player, Bobby? What's up, doogie doogie? Doogie doogie. Yeah, what's up? I don't know if that's a word. Yeah, doogie doogie. Yeah, rise. You gotta rise. You gotta rise up. You gotta rise up, dude, and take your chance. Doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie doogie do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do cruising well if I got pulled over for cruising I'd be like I just missed my turn yeah but then you're not cruising yeah you know you know what you're

Starting point is 00:33:47 cruising when you're cruising you sound like a cop yeah oh yeah pull over let me see your license and registration you know that you're cruising when you're cruising I'm driving you're definitely cruising young lady give me your license and registration I will comply officer but I'm just driving to work I'm his new partner We see you cruising around here and you're bubbly cocking Pickily popping out to all of all your friends. You're going to prison My last accent wasn't real

Starting point is 00:34:18 This is my guy now Can I see your badge? Yeah, so you know the difference between cruising and riding Cruising is like this dog Cruise it baby Hey, bro, I'm cruising, bro. Dude, the lower they get, dude. Hey, botto, I'm cruising, bro. What's up, bro?

Starting point is 00:34:57 And then, yeah, that's when you get pulled over. When you get too low, they can't see you. That's good. Yeah, dude. No cruising. Two times past the same point within six hours. That's insane. That's way too specific. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:13 Yeah, because what if you went and got food and came back? We can't do that. That's cruising. These laws are out of control. You got to go around, man. You have to learn to cruise, dude. Can we cruise? Yeah, we can cruise, dude.

Starting point is 00:35:23 We got to get the right car, but we can cruise. Let's cruise in Ontario. Yeah. Oh, when the cruising zone ends is really nice. Cruising is also another word in the gay community, cruising. What is it, tell me? You going fishing for dick.

Starting point is 00:35:34 Carlos knows. In parks. Yeah, cruising, cruising for sex. There it is, Wikipedia's got it, dude. Even the Wiki knows. Let me ask you something. If I'm in a park late at night, it's not known for cruising, but can I find cruising?

Starting point is 00:35:49 My guess would be every park late at night is known for cruising. There's a section of cruising. There's gotta be cruising everywhere. Right. Is there a noise you make? When you're cruising? Carlos, Carlos.

Starting point is 00:35:59 When you're dick cruising, is there a noise you make? Carlos, do the noise. When you're dick cruising in a park. Yeah, you just, you like walk up to like a tree with like a bush around it. You just go Oh you clear your throat. Yeah, you have the throat to be clear. Oh That's what that song comes from let me clear my throat Someone give me a big black dick down Someone give me a big black dick. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Starting point is 00:36:24 Someone give me that big black dick. By the way, I used to live. Oh, here we go. I used to live across the street from the Circus of Books and they called that Vaseline Alley. Oh, I know. Back in the day. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:36:35 Vaseline Alley, that was. That's where it was. Circus of Books, yeah. That was number one for cruising. That's a great cruising spot. Because hold on, across the street from Circus of Books used to be a bar that was called The gold

Starting point is 00:36:52 Come on the gold punch. What is it Carlos? You know? No, but it was it was the main club in front of vaseline alley and and sometimes I would walk down that street to get to the improv What baby I don't know No, no gold coast. Yeah, what about this place on Santa Monica Boulevard? The amount of times I've seen guys getting their dick sucked in that alley walking home from the improv at night, I'm not kidding. Uncountable. Do you ever see Carlos on Santa Monica Boulevard? The Starbucks, that one? That's a cruising spot? 633. Whoa. Wow. We got to go there. But at Santa Monica Boulevard, right by the store about Santa Monica Boulevard, right? There store, Santa Monica Boulevard, right, there's

Starting point is 00:37:25 a French place. Oh. Do you know what I'm talking about? The one next to 7-Eleven and- Yeah, it's like a French place. I never knew what was there. It wasn't a restaurant. Holloway in Los Cienega.

Starting point is 00:37:36 Yeah, but what was that place? What do you mean? Still there. I used to eat brunch there. Don Barres goes there all the time. Oh, that's food? It's a great food spot. Oh, that was a fucking cruising spot. Well, we could turn it into one. Don Perisco's there all the time. Oh, that's food? It's a great food spot. Oh, I thought it was a fucking cruising spot.

Starting point is 00:37:46 Well, we could turn it into one. Yeah. Let's go back, my bad. I like that this was called Gay Bucks. That Starbucks was Gay Bucks. Yeah, Gay Bucks. Okay, give me number three. It's also the currency they accepted.

Starting point is 00:37:55 Really? 24 hour fitness. That is so obvious, the one on Santa Monica. I mean, when you drive on Santa Monica, you can look up and see people getting their cocks sucked on the treadmill. Home Depot. That's impressive.

Starting point is 00:38:06 If you want Mexicans. Yen, yen, yen, yen, yen. Walking on their knees. Hey, have you cruising over here, man? Do you want- Runyon Canyon. You want me to fix something or- Are you cruising?

Starting point is 00:38:14 Yeah, yeah. Runyon, yeah. Oh, wow. I go there all the time. Never seen it. That's also true. You do go there to cruise. Target?

Starting point is 00:38:22 What Target? For sure, the one on Santa Monica and La Brea. Oh, Studs Theater. That was the por. Never seen it. That's also true. You do go to that at a cruise. Target. What Target? For sure, the one on Santa Monica and La Brea. Oh, Studs Theater. That was the point. It's gone, rest in peace, Studs.

Starting point is 00:38:30 They closed it down. Yeah. You know, I used to lie to people when they came into town and took them past. There used to be a bar over there called Lubitsch, a Russian bar, and Studs is right down the street from it. And when we were going there, if we parked and walked, I'd always be like, you know,

Starting point is 00:38:42 that's the theater where they caught Pee-wee Herman. Everybody believed it. It was in Florida or some shit like always be like, you know, that's the theater where they caught Pee Wee Herman. Everybody believed it. It was in Florida or some shit like that, but everyone was like, that's the one! So I got passed around. That's where we met, by the way, Bar Lubez. You and me? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:53 At the show in the back? Whoa. That was the first time I met you? You, me, and Brent Weinbach. I love Weinbach. He's so funny. He's so funny. He's really funny.

Starting point is 00:39:03 Wait, me, you, Brent Weinbach? Maybe T.J. Miller. Yeah, Miller, that sounded familiar. The Pavilions. Which one? Robertson. Oh my gosh. Yeah, the Robertson, yeah, that makes sense. Wow.

Starting point is 00:39:12 Yeah, that makes sense. Vaseline Alley, there it is. Dude, you know Vaseline Alley. Told you, bro. Told you. I had a membership for a couple months, but. I bet you did. Wow.

Starting point is 00:39:22 If you're not stocking enough, they kick you out. The troll coast instead of the gold coast and the mold coast primarily to its aging clientele. Yum. The mold coast. Can I ask the etiquette of cruising though, may I? So you must know Carlos, I'm in Vaseline Alley, right?

Starting point is 00:39:40 Let's suppose I'm walking down Vaseline Alley. Well, you're kind of sliding down. I'm sliding through, right? Yeah, you're slip sliding of sliding. I'm sliding. You're sliding. And do what? What do I do? Do I look at a guy and go, huh? No, I imagine you could just be very.

Starting point is 00:39:55 Or do you just pull it out? Like, I don't know what you do. I don't know. Hello. I think you have to be coy Vaseline. It's not a standup set. Oh, just pull it out like that. You just clear your throat. This dude is.

Starting point is 00:40:08 Dude, honestly, let's get, this is what, I know what this is. What is it? It's a resentment he has. Why? I don't know why, that's why I wanna get to the root of it because there's a resentment that he has but it's coming out in this way.

Starting point is 00:40:20 Yeah. Right, like it's an anger, so I wanna get to the root of it because this is gonna start a war. Yeah. This is, you know. I agree. Yeah, this is Like it's it's an anger. So I want to get to the root of it because this is gonna start a war Yeah, this is you know, I agree. Yeah, this is endgame here. So What is the anger on my birthday? You chose everybody but me as your I was your last favorite people basically Yeah, I also said though that it's a hard choice

Starting point is 00:40:43 Yeah, I also said though that it's a hard choice. Yeah. Yeah. I said it was really hard. Yeah, that makes up how do you you know, I also said it was hard. Yeah, it's okay. It wasn't I was it was like, yeah, like they ran away with it. You mean there was definitely some like, you know, I was, you know, weighing the fucking in my head, but you know what? I think the truth be told, I probably love you more than I love McCown. Okay. I take it back.

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Starting point is 00:42:41 Lucky 13. Wonderful. And then all your spots, it's been cool seeing people show up and I got that Netflix thing in May 11th. Only a few tickets left too. It's in May, it's already almost sold out. Netflix is a joke. Yeah, that's the name of it. Oh, sorry. Where are you performing?

Starting point is 00:42:57 The Belly Room. It's your own show? My own show, it's already almost sold out. Can they add another one? I don't know. I mean, I think- Can we open? I thought about it. I mean, I think- Can we open? I thought about it.

Starting point is 00:43:06 I thought about doing all the people I've opened for me. Yeah, that's actually a good idea. Yeah, why can we open for you? Why can we open? Oh no, I didn't think you would be interested. Well, I mean, we didn't get asked. I barely hear from you guys these days, so I was- Well, you're too famous.

Starting point is 00:43:21 You're fucking bigger than- I did get invited to Soho House. Whoa. Whoa, which one? The one in Hollywood? I think so. Well, you're too famous. You're fucking bigger than. I did get invited to Soho House. Whoa. Whoa, which one? The one in Hollywood? I think so. West Hollywood, I mean. I think so.

Starting point is 00:43:30 Beverly Hills was. Yeah. And what was the circumstances? Met them at the comedy store. They were like, gave me their emails and they said, anytime you wanna go, just let us know. Was it representatives of Soho House? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:40 Oh, nice. Carlos, I do belong? To Soho House? Hell yeah. No. You belong, right Carlos? Can you get me in? Yeah. Oh, nice. Carlos, how can I, do you belong? To Zoho House? No. You belong, right Carlos? Mm-hmm. Can you get me in? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:48 They let him belong to it. Oh yeah, yeah. I think you're fine. Yeah, but you know how much it would hurt if I got denied? Oh my God. You wouldn't get denied? What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:43:57 You just walk up, I've never, look dude, I've never been a member. I've been in there fucking 300 times. Yeah, me too. I just walk in. Yeah. They don't say anything. What time do they close Zoho House? I don't know. just walk in. Yeah. They don't say anything. What time do they close Zoha House?

Starting point is 00:44:06 I don't know. One, two-ish. They don't say anything, they don't care. If you're there, they know you- You can do drugs there, it's fine. But I'm saying if you know how to get into the park there, to get to the door, they assume you know what you're doing. I'll get you in.

Starting point is 00:44:19 Whoa. Whoa, dude. Why haven't you joined? Zoha House? Yeah. I live in the fucking valley. Me too. Well, I don't want to go, it's in Beverly Hills.

Starting point is 00:44:28 I don't go down there. Do they have one in the valley? No, of course not. Oh, damn. Downtown. Yeah, no, they do have one in the valley actually. Really? They do have a secret Soho house.

Starting point is 00:44:36 Where is it? They do have a secret Soho house. Yeah, where is it? I don't know if I should tell you. All right. Are you allowed to know? Tim Dillon's house? Yeah, that's the other Soho. Yeah, yeah. That? I don't know if I should tell you. All right. Are you allowed to know? Tim Dillon's house? Yeah, that's the other SoHo.

Starting point is 00:44:45 Yeah, yeah. That's a SoHo. Yeah. Any interest of dating anybody? Oh, what's going on in the dating scene? I really wanna be in a relationship, but I feel like I have no time to explore that. Like I do single different than Bobby.

Starting point is 00:45:00 I don't know, you guys probably do it kind of the same. But you're not doing... You jump on Raya, fly someone in, pay thousands of dollars to host them. You do that, don't you? Yeah, it's not sexy when you're doing that for a man. Oh, right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:12 It doesn't work the other way, does it? Not for me. I don't do that. I don't do that. Well, let's pick up the Hollywood curtain again. What do you mean? What do you mean, what do you mean? Is that a bad, is that a bad? Am I, that's not an insult. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?

Starting point is 00:45:25 Is that a bad? Is that a bad? Am I a, that's not an insult. Do you get on Ryan fly girls in from other places? It's not even invasive. It's not, it's like a fucking common knowledge. I have before. Okay.

Starting point is 00:45:43 What is going on with pause? some fucking common knowledge. I have. I have before. Oh! But I went out there. Okay dude. What is going on with Bob? Cut it out. Go ahead, cut it out. No, keep it in. No, it's fine. I just don't, I think that's not like an offensive

Starting point is 00:45:55 or a mean or rude thing. No, I think it's awesome and hot. If I were the girl, I'd be like, that's awesome. I need to find a guy who can do that. I've done it a couple times in my lifetime. Let's just say that. And I'm asking you, because when you were up on stage Thursday night,

Starting point is 00:46:09 up there. There was two dudes with hard ons on in the back. And I was sitting in the booths in the back, and behind me, you know who was watching you? With loving in his eyes. Oh, he told me, yeah. Wait, who? My ex.

Starting point is 00:46:23 Oh, this is sad. No, I looked around and looked at him, and he was, I swear to God, this is what his face was. Oh. Yeah, that's karma coming at you. It's not kama karma. I wanted that to happen. Kama, kama, kama, kama.

Starting point is 00:46:34 I wanted that to happen. No, it's okay. We'll clean it later. You know why he was looking like that? He was doing this, so his arms stretched out like this on the thing, right? You're on stage that way, right? And he was doing this.

Starting point is 00:46:46 You know why, right? Why? He's a huge David Tell fan. This is, he was, he was not on stage. No, he came running into the room cause they said David Tell was there. He's fine. Compliment him while he's doing it.

Starting point is 00:46:59 I like the world quiet. Anyway. No, but you're, but, but so seriously, you're not on the apps or none of that shit? No, I, I don't know how to find somebody because I work a lot. Like I'm, I'm, I went to a party, but it was like a work party. So that was the first time I went out outside of a work environment and so long. So I'm just. Oh, fuck. Sunday at the Andes. Yeah. I was invited. I forgot about it. What was there? That's crazy. You know about the party.

Starting point is 00:47:30 I think you would go to that employee party. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Party. It was like 10 people. Wellington. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a it was a great party. Everybody dressed up. I dressed up as Debbie Harry. Oh, that's cool. That's great. I was Taylor Swift. And there was no guy there that you went, hmm, ooh la la.

Starting point is 00:47:47 No, because I work with all of them and yeah, I'm not doing that. When you're on the road. So when I'm on the road, there's been a couple guys on the meet and greet that'll be like, can I take you out for a drink? But it feels weird because I've just, it's like they know about me, but I don't know anything about them. I mean, that's how it works. That is how it works. Is it though? Because now I'm going but I don't know anything about them. I mean, that's how it works. That is how it works. Is it though?

Starting point is 00:48:06 Cause like now I'm going, I don't know these people. I know, but when you become more known, that's part of it. Just feels weird. They know more about me than I know about them. Then you know what you do? It's an old trick in the book.

Starting point is 00:48:18 You may not know. You ask questions. You get to know them. Like what do you do? You're like teaching an autistic kid to have a date. It feels so awkward. Ask questions, buddy. Ask questions, buddy.

Starting point is 00:48:29 That's how you learn. Yeah, and also can I just say this? It's not wrong to get some side dick. Yeah, but also, okay, that's a good point. I feel a lot of pressure to go on a date. Right, that's in a book somewhere. That is in some book. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:41 Maybe in that Cruising 101 Vaseline Alley book. Yeah. Is there pressure, because if I go on a date cruising 101 Vaseline alley book. Yeah, how do you is there pressure? Cuz if I go on a date they're gonna want to have sex But maybe I don't want to have sex then lay that lay that out forward go look I'm not interested in sleeping with someone but I am down to hang out with you Just say that up top absolutely fucking Lutely, but even if you did like the guy Right you you have a couple of drinky drinks, right? You're like, yeah, I want to make out with this guy. There's nothing wrong with that.

Starting point is 00:49:05 And you're also still not obligated to do shit. You just tell him, look, I'm not going to sleep with you. I wish you guys could come with me. We will, let's do it. Just over your shoulder, we're like, she's not gonna fuck you, man. People don't really service in that relationship for five years. And I've just been working my ass off, like in standup, like head to the ground, like hustling. So I have so out of touch. Yeah, but you deserve to enjoy that stuff, too

Starting point is 00:49:29 You do you deserve to get it doesn't have to mean anything. It can just be fun. Yeah Maybe that's what my therapist says. Yeah, you're allowed to have you're allowed to have fun in life Maybe I'll do the app the app sounds scary. Like I'll just meet up with somebody in a random place That's an alley Carlos does that all the time. Yeah. You can meet them at a police station or a fire house. That sounds so lame. Good advice, babe.

Starting point is 00:49:51 What? Also, you know what? What? With someone like you, right, you could be in the power position. I don't wanna be that, wait, go on, go on, go on, go on. And you could have a guy that you're attracted to who's a great guy, great ethics, value, wait, go on, go on, go on. And you could have a guy that you're attracted to

Starting point is 00:50:05 who's a great guy, great ethics, value, morals, great job, all the things, but likes to follow in your footsteps and doesn't need to be the center of attention and you're the at person. He could be supportive of you and then you get great dick on the side. Yeah, I kind of want someone like,

Starting point is 00:50:23 I watched Goodfellas recently. No. No. Yeah, I want like a mafia guy who has connections and like I want a powerful man in my really want a guy that owns a Sandwich shop in New Jersey I don't want to date a pussy. What are you talking about? Hey What are you talking about? What is that? That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, what are you talking about? What is that? Hey, forget about it. Hey, forget about this lady over here. That's what he says after. Stop, oh my God.

Starting point is 00:50:49 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. So anyway, you're allowed to have fun. That's what he says after he comes too fast. Forget about it. Forget about it. Hey, forget about it. It's $100. Take a walk, huh?

Starting point is 00:51:00 Go shopping. Hey, go shower, bitch. Don't tell anybody I came too fast. Insecure gangster. Don't tell anybody that I pre-came. Can we get what you're looking for here? Like, can we check off the list? What are you looking for here?

Starting point is 00:51:17 I want somebody not in comedy, but- Oh, you hear what she just said? What? Doesn't want a Jewish person. That's what she just said. Yeah. None of us are Jewish. Racist, racist, but. Oh, you hear what she just said? What? Doesn't want a Jewish person, that's what she just said. Yeah. None of us are Jewish. Racist, racist, racist. All right, you don't want a Jewish person.

Starting point is 00:51:30 None of us are Jewish. No, but somebody. Far as you know. Who makes as much money as me or more. Jew. Yeah. So now you want a Jew. Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

Starting point is 00:51:40 I don't, Mexicans are. She said as much money as her or more. Yeah. Right. So like half Jewish. Yeah. Okay She said as much money as her or more. Yeah. Right. So like half Jewish. Yeah. Okay. Like dad's Jewish, mom's not. Yeah. Right. Okay.

Starting point is 00:51:50 Not a real Jew. What else? Um, that they're like, they can fight. Why do you make that face? That's a good quality to have. I don't know why you need that. Yeah, I want to feel protected. Yeah, but what if they just have a gun?

Starting point is 00:52:05 Yeah, what if I have mace? I don't wanna go on a date in this town. What if I have the rape whistle? It's so funny that I said gun, he said mace. Oh. Why? That's just such an extreme difference. I know, but you wanna murder, I just wanna like,

Starting point is 00:52:17 I don't wanna murder. Shoot him in the knees. You know like Jake Gyllenhaal in Southpaw? Yeah. In what? Southpaw. Can I In what? Southpaw. Can I get that? Yeah, you can't.

Starting point is 00:52:27 No chance. You can't get that. My standards are too high. That's a really, cause he is, that's like top of the line Jake Gyllenhaal. He's so. Look at the guy. Roadhouse.

Starting point is 00:52:36 Roadhouse. Jesus fucking Christ. He's great in that. That's all I want. Yeah, that's- You're not gonna get that. Simple pimple stuff. Yeah, you're not gonna get that. Roadhouse, look at that. That's what you want? Yeah, of course- You're not gonna get that. Simple pimple stuff. Yeah, you're not gonna get that.

Starting point is 00:52:45 Roadhouse, look at that. That's what you want? Yeah, of course. And you know what you're gonna get? He's not interested. You know what you're really gonna get? You're gonna get Stavros. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:52:53 Yeah. Yeah. That's it. He can fight, there. That's it. He can fight, though. He can fight. And he's got a, he looks mafia. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:03 Not Italian mafia. It's like the Roadhouse photo but like stretched out a little bit. Yeah. Not Italian mafia. It's like the Roadhouse photo but like stretched out a little bit. Yeah. Like panoramic, panoramic Roadhouse. Maybe if I squint my eyes. Yeah. Like if a skinny guy got a tattoo of Jake Gyllenhaal

Starting point is 00:53:13 and then he got fat, that would be the tattoo. That'd be the tattoo. Yeah. So you're looking for a guy that can fight, a guy that has more money or as much money as you yeah, right? I don't want to be like the power of dynamic I I don't like to be the more you don't want to pay for someone else you want someone to pay for you Yeah, and if I'm a guy that says an independent person what if I'm a guy that says

Starting point is 00:53:38 yo fuck art This one of the cruising guys Yeah, yeah, he's just like fuck Basquiat man I fucking hate art is that a problem well no okay cuz then I could do my own thing yeah yeah you know I hate food what do you eat oh I met this guy yeah you know this guy you know this guy. You know this guy. I hate this guy.

Starting point is 00:54:06 I've never heard Bobby say that. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. This is not me. I love my body. I love food. Yeah, yeah, but I hate food. Like, you know, I gotta eat. Bullshit.

Starting point is 00:54:14 Oh, you know who did say that the other day? Mark Smalls. He hates the art of eating. Yeah, look at him. Malnutrition. I know. I don't trust that at all. Yeah, don't come here.

Starting point is 00:54:24 You hate food? He doesn't, he eats. He just plays Warzone all day. Yeah, he thinks it, malnutrition. I know. I don't trust that at all. Yeah, don't come here. You hate food? He doesn't, he eats. Just plays war zone all day? Yeah, he thinks it's a waste of time. You can only say that. It's a first world country problem. Yeah, so do you-

Starting point is 00:54:32 I hate food. A guy that doesn't like food eats it because he has to survive, but doesn't like flavors or great restaurants. What about a guy that never wants to go out to eat, ever? Only does home cooked meals. Refuses to go out. That's weird. Okay.

Starting point is 00:54:45 What if he's got a nice pipe and he knows how to fight? And he makes a lot of money. We'll eat at home. No, it's him. What about one of those fools that do meal preps? So I know people that go, yeah, I buy a bunch of chicken, a bunch of rice, and I just cook it at one time.

Starting point is 00:55:02 And they save it. And this is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Does that is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Does that guy bother you? If I wanted that, I'd be a lesbian and just get a housewife. Okay.

Starting point is 00:55:11 Okay, so that's up to you. You guys are asking me about dating like how you would want a woman. No. No. No, no, no. No. No, we're just saying like what would be the flaw

Starting point is 00:55:21 that you'd be okay with that's weird, like that? Like it's a little strange, but it's not that big of a deal. I wouldn't, it wouldn't be like, I would end the date immediately if he's like, I love the mail person. What if he was really handsome and cool, but he also, but he smoked crack,

Starting point is 00:55:35 but he made a lot of fucking money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had a nice dick, but he smoked rocks. Yeah. He's not an addict. Yeah. Right? Okay, okay. He just casually smoked crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a casual, no, there could not an addict. Yeah. Right? Okay, okay.

Starting point is 00:55:45 He just casually smokes crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a casual, no, there could be a guy. You think there's a casual crackhead? Yeah, a casual crackhead. I only do it on weekends. And I only do it with my friends. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:55:56 So on Saturdays, Sunday nights. I never smoke alone. Yeah, you never smoke alone. Yeah, he's got body in Saturdays, right? Him and his buddies, they'll watch a game. Smoke crack. And smoke crack together. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:06 But Monday through Friday, I mean, just during the days, he goes to his fucking, he works at, you know. An insurance company. Exactly. Yeah, he's an insurance broker. He works for Allstate. Well, I've always wanted to try crack, so. Okay.

Starting point is 00:56:21 Hell yeah. Have you never tried it? No, well, I don't think so. Have I tried crack? No, man That's not an insane question man. Most people haven't tried crack. I've smoked cocaine That's close. That's close. That's pretty close. It didn't look like crack and it was like $80 Give me the percentages of Americans that use crack How would they even find them all to do this?

Starting point is 00:56:48 I can say they're all like, yeah, crack statistics. How come I couldn't be on this survey? Who uses crack cocaine? Okay, that's not bad. That's statistic. No crack. I'm trying to be funny, but I would not want a crack user. Okay.

Starting point is 00:57:07 So is that 97% of crack users are American? God is good. God is good. It is the greatest country in the world. Because we know what's good is. Yeah, all those other fucking losers are behind. They don't know what it is. Imagine if you introduced crack to like Japan.

Starting point is 00:57:21 How much, it's like the cleanest place on earth. Yeah. It's already that earth. Yeah. It's already that way. Yeah. What would crack do? It's just more efficient. I mean, you know, crack doesn't make you let's not crack.

Starting point is 00:57:32 It's not like math. Yeah, but in Japan it would be. Oh, Japan it would be. No Japanese people on math. What kind of technologies can they make? We go to the moon and back the same day. They like that, you know, the Avengers Endgame, that little thing that they can go back in the past.

Starting point is 00:57:48 They could probably make one of those. They make that like an hour and a half. An hour and a half. Give a Japanese guy Adderall. What's that old quote? Give a Japanese guy, teach a Japanese guy how to fish. Elite Adderall.

Starting point is 00:57:59 Elite Adderall. Build a time machine. What's that old quote? What are these statistics? 2022 was the highest use of crack in America? Yeah, it's like a 5.7. We're back, baby. There was a dip.

Starting point is 00:58:12 Oh man. There was a dip. Yeah, a dip in COVID. You couldn't get crack during COVID. Isn't that funny? That's why they did it. Try to stop the drug wars. They made everyone stay at home.

Starting point is 00:58:26 Obama elected less black people smoking crack. 2011. Speaking of dip, I gotta bring it up. We have to stop smoking. You both do. I've said that twice. Why? You have to do a pact.

Starting point is 00:58:39 I feel like- You're the one that got me back on the road. That's not fair to say that. But it's true. It's not true. It's not fair but true. We would go on the road and Bobby would corner me and like hit me back on the road. That's not fair to say that. But it's true. It's not true. It's not fair but true. We would go on the road and Bobby would corner me and like hit me to give him cigarettes and I would.

Starting point is 00:58:50 No, you would go like this. Before you're set, cigarette? No, I would, everyone would. And I'd be like, hey, you know I quit. I went weak. One won't hurt. You said one won't hurt. So are you saying, are you genuinely saying

Starting point is 00:59:01 on the show right here right now that Jetski got you back on cigarettes? That's so unfair. I can say this back on cigarettes? That's so unfair. I can say this for a fact. That's so unfair. I know, I can say this for a fact. No, but I can say that if she wasn't on the road with us, I wouldn't be smoking now.

Starting point is 00:59:16 Interesting. That's why I'm quitting. Yeah, yeah, so I can say that for a fact. He would bully me for cigarettes anyway. I wasn't, no, dude, honestly, dude, let's not be, let's be real. I am real. That's so insane that you would even say that it's true that I had quit for two years

Starting point is 00:59:28 It broke my heart and I'm like I'm sitting in my dressing room and you would stick your fingers With a cigarette she would do they go. I would blow the smoke in your face, but yeah So no I'm gonna die from lung cancer And I hope you're gonna be like you're fired if you don't give me that like it was oh my god That's so insane that you would even say that it's true. That's true. You fucking bastard, and you said I can handle it I can handle it. I'll just Carlos. What do you remember? I think he was with us in Vegas when we were I remember it It was concerning that you were smoking so I knew you quit for a while But I do know that jet ski wouldn't just like offer you shit that you she knew you quit

Starting point is 01:00:08 She was a supplier. Yeah, but he made it. Yes. Did you hear that? That's the greatest thing you've ever said in your life She was the supplier Well, it's a pirate power dynamic issue. It was a part of it was a little quid pro quo supplier If you don't give me a cigarette, you don't work anymore. Jesse the supplier. Sounds right. It sounds pretty good.

Starting point is 01:00:29 Yeah. Without supply, there's no means, correct? That's right. Right? Then I'm quitting and I really hope you do it with me. No. I know you won't. I'm lost in it now.

Starting point is 01:00:39 I know. At two years. The mortality of lung cancer are highest in Asia compared with Europe and USA with the incidence of mortality rates being 34.4 and 28.1 per 100,000 respectively in East Asia. Asians be smoking. Asians be smoking.

Starting point is 01:00:54 I really, really tried to hide it from you and not give you them just so you know. And I don't wanna quit, but I know I have to. What does that mean that we get it more? You get it at a higher ratio per 100,000 people, lung cancer, because many people in Asia smoke. It's, I think, feel like it's normalized.

Starting point is 01:01:11 Where America has flipped the last decade and made it the opposite, they've tried to denormalize smoking. That's why they took it out of restaurants and around the world tobacco products smoking vary in each country among different demographic groups. The countries with the highest prevalence of daily smokers are Kerbati, Nauru, and Papua New Guinea, where 35% or more of the population smoke.

Starting point is 01:01:32 May I ask a philosophical question? Yeah. Yeah. How's today's podcast going? I've had a really good time. Me too. I like, you know, it's just good to be back with the gang. This is the gang, right?

Starting point is 01:01:44 When I was in Houston alone, I felt a little sad. I knew you would. I missed the gang a little. I know you would. You know what's so funny about the road at night? Same thing that we had. I brought Mike Falzone down there, you know Falzone, and it wasn't great. We were writing together and stuff,

Starting point is 01:01:58 and like you're writing and you're working, and I'm working on this hour. And then at night in the hotel, it is, there are those moments when I'm like staring at the stuff and going over all the shit and re-listening to the shows that you, I think that's the hardest part that people don't know. Performing, all that stuff, most fun.

Starting point is 01:02:16 Hardest part is like tinkering, retooling. It's almost like when you build a paper airplane when you're a kid and the first one's fucking dog shit, and then somebody teaches you how to do like the other flap and you're like, whoa, how do you do that? And then you keep doing it until then you start to really figure it out. But sometimes the tinkering is, that's the hardest shit.

Starting point is 01:02:34 Especially when you feel like it's not, it's like, why the fuck isn't that flying? I don't even understand it. I can sell something if I know it's gonna work. Right. But when I'm iffy about it, the confidence is like 50% less. I say it, not meekly, but I say it in a,

Starting point is 01:02:52 not in the way I would normally deliver something. Well, yeah, the audiences have gotten smart. They know that you're not all the way in, so they can feel it when you say something. But also the wording, sometimes they're like, oh my, I think I fucked up the wording. Oh, once I know something works, I know the beats and all that stuff, but sometimes I'll say the setup of it and I'll go, oh my, I think I fucked up the wording. I know something works, I know the beats and all that stuff,

Starting point is 01:03:05 but sometimes I'll say the setup of it and I'll go, oh, that was completely wrong. Right, I feel it. And now when I do the funny part, it's just gonna not make sense or, you know what I mean? I hate it. But that's the tooling that's kind of the most fun. But I do-

Starting point is 01:03:20 What is this? Thailand passes bill to legalize same-sex marriage. So- Finally. Wait a minute. It was illegal in Thailand. Isn't that the spot to go get Thai boys and all have that crazy deviant fun? Yeah. Like in one neighborhood probably.

Starting point is 01:03:33 Wait, but in, but it's probably in Bangkok, they legalize weed before the same sex marriage. It's the first Southeast Asian nation to guarantee the marriage rights for gay and lesbian. That's great. The beginning is that now that just happened now. first Southeast Asian nation to guarantee the marriage rights for gay and lesbian. That's great, the beginning. Is that now? That just happened now? Yeah. So lady boys are chill, but gay marriage is not chill.

Starting point is 01:03:50 It's only fun if it's illegal. Jesus. No, no, let that sink in. Yeah, we'll put that on your tombstone. It's only fun when it's illegal. And then as soon as illegal. Your honor, his last words were his, it's only fun if it's illegal, isn't that the point of that?

Starting point is 01:04:06 Going to Thailand of getting ladyboys? No, I think that's a lot of people that have that have these repressed feelings about having sex with trans women or men and don't want to fucking come clean about how they feel. So they go there to be like, well, it's, you know, it's a thing here, but they're just afraid of how they feel. If they wanted to do it, you know, out loud, they just do it here. No, but they don well, it's a thing here, but they're just afraid of how they feel. If they wanted to do it out loud, they just do it here. No, but they don't. It's a thing here.

Starting point is 01:04:29 But they're repressed, so they go there because they feel like that's a pass. It's like a pass. They don't want to do it here because they don't want to... And I feel like so many people that go over there that get ladyboys, they're married. I feel like that's married dudes go there to do that. Yeah. Because if you're single, you could just do sneak it here. If you're single, you wanted a ladyboy here, you could just get one here. Right, Carlos?

Starting point is 01:04:50 Of course. Yeah. Have you been to Bangkok, Carlos, and done that thing? No, I haven't. Would you go get a ladyboy? No, I'm not. It's so borderline sex traffic-y to me that I don't want to go over there. Get a ladyman. Yeah, get a ladyman.

Starting point is 01:05:04 Get a ladyman. Here in LA? No. I would do it in LA. He's like right now, tonight. to go over there. Get a lady man. Yeah, get a lady man. Get a lady man. Here in LA? No. I would do it in LA. He's like right now tonight. Not a lady boy, get a lady man. So do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do that spectrum right next to each other. I'm not on that spectrum, man. Is Carlos hitting on Bobby? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:29 You guys are on that spectrum. I did say- We'd be a good couple. No, what? I do- I do like my ass. Your ass? Can I say about your ass?

Starting point is 01:05:38 Probably the best ass I've had, men and women. Oh, hell yeah. Your ass is- Yeah, man, you're not on that spectrum. Oh! You guys are on that spectrum. I'm driving by. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:53 You know what, I'm cruising. You're cruising! Let me ask. I'm cruising. Okay, have you seen his butt? I mean, just in his pants, yeah. No, look at the bare ass. No, you. All right, show it.

Starting point is 01:06:06 Go stand in the hallway there so I can see it. Okay. I'll judge. It's like an optical illusion. Turn around, stay there. Jesse, close your eyes. Yeah, stay over there. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:17 Yeah. Yeah, let's see. Turn this way. Bend over, spread it. No, don't spread it. Please don't spread it. Yeah, I't spread it, please don't spread it. Yeah, I mean, it looks like a regular guy's butt. If the, yeah, oh that's good, that's good.

Starting point is 01:06:33 Do you like that when he shakes? Oh my God, I love it. This is what Dan Snyder did in that, his riding room. This is where his riding room. We'll be right back, bad friends. After these commercials, and then we just get gacked. Ha ha ha ha ha. Now you got a regular guy's butt.

Starting point is 01:06:50 I don't know, it looks like a guy's butt. I think that's what Bobby likes. Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, anyway, thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thanks for watching!

Bad Friends - We Go Cruising

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