Bad Friends - Yabba Dabba Dr. Phil
Episode Date: January 1, 2024New Merch: https://www.badfriendsmerch.com Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Thank you to our Sponsors: ZocDoc, Rocket Mo...ney & BLUECHEW • ZocDoc: Find and book top rated doctors at https://www.zocdoc.com/badfriends • Rocket Money: Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Go to https://rocketmoney.com/badfriends YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Audio Subscribe: https://apple.co/31Jsvr2 Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 New Year Resolutions 2:12 Dr. Phil Comes in Too Hot 9:11 A Scooby Doo Situation 16:42 Santino's Amazing Gibberish Song 23:17 Dr. Phil's Chinese Friends 27:48 The Hush Money Statement 34:57 Ophra on Ozempic & Bobby's Scare Straight Hike 43:52 Bobby's First Movie 43:14 Dr. Phil's Headshot Impressions 56:43 The Vaping Intervention 1:11:40 Bobby, Santino & Adam Ray's Olimpic Video 1:20:40 Sitting Forward on 2024! More Adam Ray Dr. Phil Live with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haS7smbYYvM Tickets and More: https://adamraycomedy.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/adamraycomedy More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This video contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
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Happy New Year!
Thanksgiving!
No, dude, it's just the New Year.
All right, and welcome to the tour dates.
Welcome to the Weve got tour dates.
Welcome to it.
We're gonna be in Atlantic City.
New Jersey, Salt Lake City, Utah.
To Mecula, California.
Reno, Nevada.
Sacramento.
On Beach, California, Wizard, Ontario.
Ontario, Canada.
Niagara Falls, Canada.
Tucson, Arizona.
And we've finished the tour 420 in.
Las Vegas, I can't wait for that.
Viva!
Las Vegas! For the BadFriendsPod.com got a bad friends pod dot com for tickets bad friends pod dot com
You
Happy New Year
The bad friends. Happy new year.
Happy new year.
It's 2024.
Happy new year to all the bad friends.
What a year we've had.
What a year we've had.
What a year we've had.
Pick that out of your mouth.
Why?
What do we learn over the weekend?
We learn that Bobby and I are both year of the pig.
Yeah.
If you want to talk about our birth years.
Yeah.
He's a gold pig.
Golden pig.
And I'm a...
Water pig. Water pig. Water pig. Yeah. Yeah, he's a gold big golden pig and I may water a little water. Yeah, yeah, I don't
know what a pick. What's a pick sound like a water? Huh? Hi pop on. Hi pop on us. Hi pop
on us. That's actually very smart. Rose the adult is a water pig too. Okay. Her birth
here. Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes no she's, she's a little water-patter. Oh, yeah. What, rest in peace.
She's not dead.
Oh, I know.
Is she?
No, but I saw her there and I sure was cool.
We're gonna kill her.
You know on this show.
Yeah, I'm not dead. Oh, sorry, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, now, man, what a beautiful 2024 we got ahead of us. We got some stuff lined up. Yeah, what are your resolutions?
My resolutions are to get off of cholesterol medication.
I want to get in good enough heart health shape so I don't have to take cholesterol medication.
That would include not doing this podcast anymore.
Happy new year, guys.
What?
I have not.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
Oh, this isn't the intervention for the, the, the fuck, the fuck that gap a part. I'm sorry. My agent told me that
I was doing a podcast today and she said improvise as much as possible. Yeah. So I wanted
to come in hot, you know, no pun intended. Yeah. Nice coffee. You sure did. But I also brought
a mind. Well, you Jeremiah walkins the beginning. What's it? You came in too hot. Came
in too hot. Yeah. Is he known for doing came in too hot. Came in too hot. Yeah.
Is he known for doing that?
Yes.
Well, way too hot.
Is that what he's known for?
Dr. Phil, do you want to put on your headphones
that way you can hear us?
Always.
I want to hear and feel everything you guys are doing
because I've been watching from afar
and it's nice to see it up close.
Never use headphones there before, Dr. Phil?
Dr. Phil.
Can somebody help Dr. Phil, please?
Will.
I do think it's important for us to celebrate
what we've created.
Oh, Bob, you can go first.
Oh yeah, yeah, we're 20, 24's around the corner.
What did 20, 23 bring to you?
And then I'll get to you Andrew.
Oh, okay.
Oh, well, I just, you know, I, you know, my enemy,
I said no to my enemy and I put them on in a trax
and the enemy is called ice cream.
You're not gonna stop eating. I mean, what about my enemies called ice cream?
I thought you were gonna say like Jackie Chan. No, not Jackie Chan. No, man. He's a good guy. I'm a good guy.
For sure, but I still would love to see a fight to the death. Yeah, yeah. Jack me a Jackie. Yeah, yeah over a bullish mint chocolate chip.
Well, that's cool congrats. Are you a are you really trying to quit ice cream for real?
Yeah. You are. Yeah, because you know,
all my you know what I'm going to do now. Oh,
I'm sending gallons of McConnell's ice cream to your front door
for the next month's rate.
To tell me. Yeah. Okay.
It's going to be out there, baby. Yeah, he's,
it's just going to melt out there.
It's sticky river.
It's a little sticky river. He's gonna want to slide down and that steep driveway.
And at the bottom of that, I'm gonna put it
one of those little like kitty pools.
It's just gonna slowly fill up with melted ice cream.
So every time you back out of your car,
how are you gonna resist?
What flavor?
What flavor?
If you get the flavor right, then maybe it's gonna be bad.
Buddy, I'm gonna do all of them.
You're not gonna get one flavor.
But it's gonna be like suicide from a fountain drink.
But let me say something.
Yeah. I've me say something. Yeah.
I've questioned our friendship and I don't think you know me a lot. I don't think you know me. So I want to ask you what kind of ice cream would I be tempted to eat?
Good question. Thank you so much, Dr.
and if you get that right, dude, we're besties. If you get it wrong, we have a long way to go, my friend.
Well, no, there should be a real bet here. If you get to wrong, something has to happen to him.
Like what? I don't know. If he gets it wrong, something has to happen to him. Like what?
I don't know.
Maybe he gets punched in the tank.
Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil, you're a dr.
I said you solved shit on your show.
Yeah, no, but I'm not on my show, Ian.
Right, you're on my show.
Correct.
So shut the fuck up.
Whoa.
How does that feel, Dr. Phil?
Can I be honest?
It feels good.
He likes to be talked to in the day.
I do, yeah.
So I, I make my wife wear a mask of me just to know what it's like to go fuck myself.
Yeah.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
So you were saying about your favorite creamery.
Well, what do you say about your favorite kind of ice cream?
Yeah.
Do you know what it is?
Yeah.
Oh, give me, okay, go ahead.
What?
I bet I know.
Well, here's it.
Well, here's the hard part.
That's why because you're not, no, I do know you well,
but you're not shy when it comes to indulgence.
It's not like one is your ultimate.
I know if you can you eat a lot.
Five that I like if you can name one of the five.
Well, Rocky wrote for sure as well.
That's not my number one.
I know that's it.
I know what you even, well, I was gonna say sugar free red bull. They don't make that. I still like that. That's not my number one. I know that's it. I know. I know. Well, then why did you even? Well, I was going to say sugar free red bull. They don't make
that. I still don't know what that attitude. Oh, you're right. We want that to happen.
That's how true. Yeah, yeah. We want it to happen. You're manifesting it. Yes.
Let me ask you something. When you moved out your house, how come you had machine guns on the
fucking wall? You see that? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, do you see that? It was at his house.
Yeah. Look at Dr. Phil's house online. What's the deal, dude, when you moved out,
what was this about?
You just load up eight.
Yeah, yeah, what is that all about, yes?
Well, to be fair, I've never seen this picture before.
But I will tell you this much.
Yeah, I have so many rooms in my house.
I've got an arcade.
I've got a room that's just filled with bidets.
So you have one of those shitty days literally, okay? And you just want to pop around to each fucking hose and let them just, you know,
ride it down. But the gun room came into play when I saw the new Grand Theft Auto came
out. And then I had also seen a mission impossible movie and had a couple of run-ins at the local
ride aid where I was like, I wish I was packing. So, um built a room. Yeah hung up some memorabilia. Uh-huh.
Can you zoom in on that? I mean that's in a ston it's also when you're dining. Look at the toys too.
Yeah. To the left. The last one I've ever part is all the uh added on. Are you a big Murakami fan?
Oh Murakami. Muragumi. Uh all right. I was it uh Teramot what Terramasoo? No, the, we're going to, we're going to me.
So you've got on the wall from what we can see,
there's a hand that's about five or six assault rifles.
Yeah, imagine being an Uber Eats driver
and getting my order wrong and still having the nerve
to show up.
Imagine me walking into that room and going,
maybe next time you don't forget the max salad.
You honestly would invite an Uber Eats guy into your house?
Hey, I'm trying to play a cool and cool.
No, I didn't know you were that kind of guy.
I'm realizing a humble and cool.
You are. Yeah.
I mean, I try to relate.
It's you get to certain level and you guys are, are, are in it right now.
You know, where the, where the tide is changing.
You're jumping out into the ocean with not just a surfboard, but a game plan.
Uh, what the fuck are you talking about?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yes.
You know, you tell me.
Yeah.
You say you're, you're guys as famous doctor, Phil level fame. Oh, oh, wow. What's the relationship about?
How do you know? Dr. Phil? I just watch a lot of Facebook. Yeah. Well, I follow you on Facebook.
You do. You do. I follow about 16 people on Facebook. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Jess. Uh-huh.
Shit. Tony Robbins is, uh, agent. Let me guess. Um, T-Pock Chopra. T-Pock Chopra. Fuck yeah.
Gary Vee. Gary Vee. Gary Vannon. Uh, the situation.
The situation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gotta be the situation. Um, Papa John,
just because I love a good racist rant from time to time. Oh, right, right.
I know, I know Michael Endell. Boom. What a funny guy. Yeah.
He is hilarious. A hilarious. Yeah. He's hilarious.
A hilarious.
Yeah, good yeah.
Is that all the people?
That's it?
There's three or four more in there.
What about Marlow Cyrus,
the other Miley Cyrus' unknown sister?
Yep, and then there's a guy that looks like Billy Ilish
that works at Trader Joe's.
Oh, William Ilish.
Yep.
I know him.
Yeah.
Billy, Billy, Billy, as we call him.
And then... Billy Jorms Strong from Green Day? There's it, yep. I follow him. Yeah, and then Billy Billy Billy as we call him and then Billy John's strong from Green Day
There's it. Yep. I follow him and Billy Joe. Oh, yep, and then Billy Joel Billy Joel the actual Billy Joel
There's an actor who plays a Billy Joel. Yep. He's a stunt guy. I guess right right right sometimes Billy Joel falls off stage for
I am piano so there's a guy that comes out and then Obama's fan page. I follow oh good
So because if you didn't say that because they were all pretty much why they were all white except for indian
deep-ok oh no he's white oh he is pretty white very
very bad very bad very good situation really you'll pull back did you read his
books Scooby-Doo no deep-ok show
yeah yes Scooby-Doo has a couple. What was this? What's it? Robynapa?
Oh my god.
Robynapa.
Oh, what's it?
Robynapa.
Oh.
What are you doing?
I didn't know what's the...
I started doing what Scooby-Doo,
but then I forgot what...
You did Fred Flint's?
Yeah.
Yeah, Fred Flint's doing it.
I forgot what he says.
So I was gonna go Robynapa, no.
Oh my god.
There's none of space in my heart.
That is so bad. That's my bit to do. What? Robynapa, dude no. Oh my God. There's none of space in my heart. That is so bad.
That's my bit to do.
What?
Roba, no, no.
That's my bit.
I stole your bit.
You don't rob a dobo, dude.
That's me.
Easy.
I don't know about it.
Sorry about that.
You sound like that's not Scooby-Doo.
That's like Scooby-Doo's is a nemesis raw dog.
Oh.
Oh.
A less popular cartoon for some reason.
Yeah, raw dog. Can you imagine a true animated series called raw dog? Oh. Oh. A less popular cartoon for some reason. Yeah, Roddog.
Can you imagine a true animated series called Roddog?
Oh my God.
It's like a crime, fighting, crime solving dog.
And his arch nemesis is a condom.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Just a big, like a, just a big, a, a, a, a, a, just a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, just a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a Dr. Condon Cooper from Mario Brothers. Dr. Condon. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna cover you up.
No!
Yeah.
And raw dogs, like, I got a, I'm trying to,
I'm trying to fuck shit up in this city.
Well, what, raw dogs on a dog?
Oh, he is, but he talks.
Oh, I didn't know, okay.
Clearly.
Yeah, okay, you just talked yourself out of an EP credit.
I'm sorry, we were producing this thing, my bad.
I am.
You always gotta be thinking of shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I just producing this thing my bad. I am right. You always got to be thinking of show Oh, I just find excuse me
Gose yeah, we have a ghost yeah, so I was a little fucking angel that there was a young small gentleman who used to be on the show
And he passed away live in the studio. Yeah, he used to drink wine often down here and he passed away in the studio and that was a little ghost of him
Trying to rest his little head on one of those and popped up. How big is this fucking head? It's pretty tiny
Okay, so you want to say anything to the afterlife? He's in the room right now
Well, I've read a bunch of things on how to get rid of ghosts and I've
They actually say you're supposed to ask the ghosts
if they know they're dead or not,
which to me feels counterproductive.
Hey, you guys are fucking dead, you know that?
And then they're like, yeah,
but they can't talk back because they are dead.
Do you get what I'm getting at?
No, actually not.
No.
Honestly, don't.
Okay, well, let me out.
Let me just, hey little boy,
your balloon charade scared the fuck out of me.
But I get it.
When I get what you're doing and I get why you're doing it.
But I wanna know if you could come back here
and be back on the show, bad friends, what would you do?
What would you add?
My email is at Phil, fill it up at aowl.com. Yeah. Hey Phil fill fill it up at a well dot com. Yeah. Hey fill fill it up.
Did I stutter? You said at fill fill. Oh, at fill fill it up.
Fill it up. It's a talking to like a gas station attendant. It's hey fill.
Fill it up. Fill it up. I got it. F I L L for fill it up or PHI.
PHI. Okay. Okay, so hold on one second.
One of my first jobs was it.
Let's be quiet and let's see if he'll answer your question.
I love that.
Ready?
Be quiet.
Go ahead.
You're Robert Abadou.
You're Robert Abadou.
Why'd you look at me?
I thought I had to do something.
No, I thought.
I thought it was like, you're Luke was like call back loop.
No, I look. It was, it was perfect.
Yes, okay, right.
I also, fancy would just add in docs voice,
being like, yeah, Tino, in the background.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good.
The rabbit dab is even better.
I'd love to be just a fly on the wall inside your brain
is that phrase was getting constructed.
Yeah.
As you would go, I'm saying the Abidab adieu again
or whatever the fuck you said.
Jesse, what are your New Year's resolution?
Honestly, no honestly I stop smoking cigarettes. Okay, and then funny
Probably smoke more cigarettes
But I'm a Trump up layer and I think it would elevate me to the
Now dude is a trumpet known for being like conducive for drug abuse?
How, yeah, you ever hear Miles Davis?
Come on, dude.
What did he do?
Birthday cool.
Yeah, but what was he sucking on?
Sippin' on.
He was probably sucking, too. He's on heroin.
He did hookers.
Yeah.
This might be a good segue.
Into my hook movie.
That's right.
It's pretty woman meets a shenanath.
Oh, I like to talk about my real addictions.
No.
Well, can we get, hold on, do you really think, this is a very interesting question.
Do you think that the influence of drugs elevated artists more than they would have ever
been without it. The reason I asked is because I saw a video
an hour ago of Bradley Noel's son performing
and he sounds exactly like him
and I literally was eating, thinking,
I wonder if this kid sober is his talent
that his dad was?
I don't know Bradley Noel's.
No, I'm, so I'm, oh yeah, yeah. Well, let me ask you this. And could he imitate his dad if his dad never. I don't know Bradley Knowles. No, I'm so blind.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Well let me ask you this.
And could he imitate his dad if his dad never did the drugs?
That's what I'm saying.
So it is the drugs, isn't it?
It is the drugs.
That's my point.
As I kept eating being like, it's gotta be the drugs.
Yeah.
We should do some drugs right now.
I am down.
I told you that.
I'm down, dude.
Jacob Knowles.
Is that his name?
Yeah. There was a video that was viral on the internet of him singing at a bar somewhere.
And it sounded exactly like, dude, It was like shocking how close it was. Well weren't the Beatles all-own crystal myth
No, no, you're thinking of something. I'm thinking of some you're thinking of twisted sister. There it is
Also a great band
Is it what was the Twizzis sister song? He had one good song, right? He sung Twisted Sister.
What's a big hit?
He puts the sister.
All you need is love?
No.
That's the beat of what the fuck.
No, no, it was a hold your hold my hand.
No, no, no, no.
What was it?
It was a safety dancer.
No, that's it.
What was the Twisted Sister main song?
There are number one.
Girls rock the boys.
Yeah.
Girl, come on.
I feel the noise. Girl rock the boys. Yeah girl come on feel the noise girl
You do it like my mom where you guess you know it phonetically, but you're guessing yeah, I don't know the lyrics
You are like what an agent kid does when a band comes to their love is like Afghan
I saw this one Afghanistan guy with some guy,
you know, a really different guy.
Sure.
No, and he was like singing a song,
and I remember something,
but he was just making the lyrics.
We sounded, oh, I saw that guy on internet.
Yeah, I've seen, I like it when that happens.
Yeah, because phonetically,
but that phonetically, I don't know who said that.
Maybe I think I remember watching an interview with,
well, it's a kid's name, Brandon from Incubus.
He said it was wild.
We would go to like Japan.
And they would phonetically know word for word.
But they don't have a song with gibberish English.
Okay, well, you have to have a root song and then do that.
No, I just make up a song too.
I'm not.
Okay, great, do it.
I can't let my chilling down.
I don't got it.
And all I'm writing to can't let about chilling down.
When we're running, going down in the battle style.
You sound like a deaf person.
It's like a deaf girl in a tent.
I don't know.
I'm trying.
There's no way that singer can hear you.
Why try it?
I fucked it up.
Turn it up in my headphones.
That's what that's all about.
You try it while you try it while.
That's hard.
Okay.
No English, but it's got a sound like English
I would love to hear a hoody in the blowfish cover of that. Okay. A lot of hoody the both of songs Sounds like that. Yeah, we're
Skana for that. It almost who he sounds like
hoody hoody and
Lot chilly peppers. No stone-taple pilots could be kind of yeah, it's been doctors
Right in the same. It won't hurt it, come on, come on.
All right, Jess, let's hear you do a song that has no English on it.
No rhythm we've heard before.
No rhythm you've heard before.
We just did two songs that you've never heard before.
You didn't hear those.
Yeah, we did.
But I'm back to.
You wanna say, yeah, we're trying to be a lovin' decent.
Oh, I like that.
Yeah, very pro jammy.
That was pretty pro jammy. Yeah, the very pro jammy. All right D. Phil you're up
me
any
She
I don't want to. I don't want to.
I don't want to.
I don't want to.
Chicken wheels are fun.
Chicken wheels are fun.
Michael McDonald.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I love me some Michael.
Taking it to the streets.
Taking it to the streets.
That guy, what was he taking, by the way?
I have no idea.
Probably some hookers.
Whoa.
That was one of my, one of my audition,
one of my test auditions for SNL was on the original tape. I didn't do it live, was Mike and McDonald ordering at McDonald's.
Very funny.
Do the bet.
Can we hear it?
I'll have a number one without cheese, please.
Oh, didn't end up doing it live.
Oh, no.
But I put it on the original tape because I thought it was ridiculously sweet.
Mike and McDonald ordering McDonald's.
Hold the pickles, please.
Hold the pickles, please. Hold the pickles, please.
Hold the pickles, please.
That's a great bit.
Yeah, well, it did not, they were like, don't do that live.
Now, did you purposely want to sing?
Because there's always a singer on the show.
Yeah, no, I just thought it was a really,
I was high and I thought of it and I thought.
Can I tell you what character I did for my,
my attitude, please?
I didn't know how to do impressions.
Still don't.
I know, yeah. We saw your Scooby. He didn't know how to do impressions. Still don't. I know, yeah.
We saw your Scooby.
He didn't know that too.
Yeah, do your Scooby do a pretty good, great revenue.
So they go, they go, we need three impressions from you
and I was like, I don't know what I'm doing with my mind, right?
So I thought, number one, this is how Clorion, right?
I go, I went into impressions of people
that they don't know what they sound like.
Oh, smart.
Yeah, so I did all.
So I just saw this interview with Chalion Fat.
It was on E.
And I know we explained this to the producers
when I audition I go, every three lines, he would change his position. So you know how
they overpronounce the eight, how long my name is, Chow Yun Fat. And I mean, and I would start
like this, right? And every, every three lines I would change. But by the end of the auditions,
I was on my head. Backwards. Oh my God. I backwards. Oh my God. You know what I did, I feel like that, and it crossed.
But I decided to just, you know,
figure out what this sketch was.
Right.
And let that be the thing that's gotta be funny
rather than the impression.
Smart.
Thank you.
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Then you did Connie Chung.
I didn't audition with them.
Did you ever meet her in real life, Dr. Phil?
Oh, I've met Connie Chung and Michael Chang, the tennis player.
Yeah.
Every sort of Chung, Chang combination, I've met.
And be all the Chinese people you've met.
Okay.
Okay.
Boy, what are we 20 minutes in?
I thought you were going to ask me that from the get go. Uh, Michael Chang, Jack, Jackie Chan, Chad. Okay. Okay. Well, boy, what are we 20 minutes in? I thought you're going to ask me that from the get
Michael Chang, Jack, Jackie Chan, check. Yeah, Jet Lee, Jack,
who was the other one? I said, Donnie Chung. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Connie had a whole family with her. Right. So I met all them. Mildred,
Chunk, mildred, young, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One of the most underestimated of the family.
Yeah, one of the most underestimated of the family. I, uh, um,
Boy, Ariana, yeah, Ariana, Chong. Yeah.
Ariana Grande. No, Chong.
Her last name is Chong. Oh, yes.
Yeah. Oh, I did.
Yeah. Yeah.
You got to, you don't spend a lot of time online.
Do you?
Uh, there's also,
well, kill me out of Andrew.
Uh, won't do it.
Okay.
Yeah, I don't know.
Fair enough.
And then that, well, no, then the, the. And then the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
two secret of the use.
Splinter.
He played Kino.
Splinter Lee.
Remember the guy, well, Splinter Lee, yeah.
But then Kino, remember the pizza delivery guy?
Oh, yeah.
Kino.
Yeah, Kino.
I think he was in three ninjas.
He wasn't three ninjas.
How about the guy that, how about the,
Rufio?
Rufio.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
James Cassin Lee from Heroes. What about the guy? I how about the, Rufio? Rufio. Oh yeah. Yeah. The James Casson Lee from Heroes.
Mm.
What about the guy?
What about the guy in Luke Kang
in the action series, Mortal Kombat?
Yeah.
Luke Kang, you met him?
Yeah, it might be the one that I've yet to get a face to face.
Chong Li, you know Chong Li?
From Street Fighter.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
I've fucked a couple of Chong Li's in my day.
I'm gonna go.
Really?
No, this is college, pre-college.
You know, you go to school.
Too lame.
You went to Tulane University.
Pretty sure, yeah.
Okay.
Well, what'd you study there?
Biochemistry.
Really?
Minor.
Let's go, I wanted to go to Wikipedia page,
but it was about how much you know about that.
Well, it's not up to date, but the, I did a,
well let's click, let's hold on one second. Let's, let's get this. And by biochemist, I
meant like, you know, radio and television, uh, no, communications. There you are, dude.
Well, nice photo. So zoom in, please, on college career, go to college,
born old, I think it was Missouri state. I tried to get into, but the, you know,
the program there, the Mississippi state Midwestern is where
I ended up going.
You went to Shawnee, Mission North High in Overland, Park, Kansas, then you played linebacker
high school.
That's correct.
You went to University of Tulsa.
You're in a football scholarship.
You failed to mention that.
Tulsa Tulane, you know, tomato tomato right away.
No way off, not even close.
Okay.
And then it's a transfer to Midwestern State University in which top falls.
Texas.
That I remember.
You do.
Look, when you do so much cool shit.
Yeah. Right. You just forget forget what did Jay Z say like some you know
I got two from my pimp's and six from my hose or something
Landry you get I mean like you to probably don't even think about
When you were on the office because you've done so much cool shit since I think about it
I fucked that up pretty bad. Well, I was one of my favorite episodes really Dr. Phil
Well, just cuz I've always wanted to get on a boat and travel the world and I've never done it.
And that episode, if we can cut to it, was there was,
we can't, I'll explain it.
There was you on a boat and Ed Helms was taking off
for Florida, I believe.
And you were giving him the boat.
And you had a sweater, a boat sweater.
That's right.
And I just got real jealous because I've always
wanted to hop on a boat.
Dr. Phil, you can afford to be on a boat.
I think you're very well off.
Yeah, but not the type that like that Ed Helms was in the office,
like a little fisherman's boat.
Oh, right.
I can't afford that.
Well, look at this, the internet says your net worth is $460 million.
Wow.
A lot of boats.
A bit low.
Yeah, if I buy you a boat, is that weird?
Literally a boat load of money.
Let's go.
Let it in somewhere after.
Take it like that.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was.
That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. That's what you thought it was. There's an orphanage called Leving Hands that I just donated some funds to.
Really?
Is that the Catholic priesthood?
What is that?
No, it's kids that are tossed to the side
or babies that are born, but the parents are like,
we gotta go to Denys, we can't be a dad,
so they drop the kid off and then Leving Hands picks him up.
Okay, I actually wanna approach something real fast
with this guy.
We either some controversy that we wanna go over right now if you don't mind, Dr.
Phil.
Sure.
In February of last year, a dozen current and flomer employees of your show alleged that
they had experienced verbal abuse in a workplace that fosters fear, intimidation, and racism.
Seven employees currently still claim that the show gets often manipulated and were treated
unethically.
Attorneys for you, Dr. Phil and your co-producer, Carla Pinkerton, they categorically denied every allegation.
However, I feel like you've had some hush money paid out.
Well, I prepared a statement.
Oh, thank you.
In response to the recent allegations, I'd just like to say,
and you sound like a bunch of pussy ass losers.
Wow.
Wow. You wrote that down?
But I typed it.
Okay. Yeah.
Now, I also asked you in 2016, you and your wife filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit.
They sold all to you, yeah.
Yeah. And what ended up happening with that?
I mean, you know, you've been a court.
No.
You ever seen a mere case traffic court bit?
Yes, such a good bit.
One of my favorite bits about traffic
I think that that
That day was just a mere K. No, I said circle K the gas station. What are you doing your deaf comic bit again? Oh my god
See that this guy's ripping you you need to take a time out
Apologize hey, could I be honest? I drink a four-local in the car
I apologize. Hey, could I be honest? I drink a four-low go in the car. I feel like I feel like trying to come hard in the paint at a diner and you're just not
having it. Yeah, we're going to blank that name out by the way.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Can't be just. Let's move on. So, so court, about a mere K, the court bit, I love the court bit, but what I hate about
court is that you're there for something important.
And I didn't want to be.
So, Andrew that.
Sorry, dude.
That lawsuit was a real pain in my tooth.
Okay, so you know what?
I don't want to bring that up anymore.
It's fine.
I apologize, but I will say you, you made bad baby famous, right?
That's like on purpose either.
But it was inevitable.
Certain people have star quality.
Jetsky.
Yeah, let's talk about it.
To my right, there's a star shining
and you can see it and you understand it
and you want it to shine.
Bad baby, no one had any intention
of seeing her fly up into the sky.
And I apologize for rhyming so quickly. But I just, I think that what she's doing is impressive,
and it's, I stand by the choices she made.
Yes, she came on my show, and I'll be honest
with you Andrew and Bobby, when she first opened her mouth,
I, all I could think in my head was,
shut your fucking dumb mouth, you stinky twat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
But then, that's a little aggressive, Dr. Phil.
Well, but then she spoke, and I go, I get it.
You knew right away.
No, I could tell.
You could tell.
Because the attitude was real
and the character was relatable,
kind of like Theo Vaughn.
Hmm.
We'll blink, we'll blur that name.
No, we don't have to blur that.
No, no, no.
We'll just,
how about we blink off the Theo
and see if people can guess what Vaughn were talking about.
I bet they will.
Can we switch a little bit?
I want to ask about your show, Roe Freck.
Please. Yeah, please.
You guys were guests and phenomenal.
Appreciate you.
Okay, anyway.
Um,
yeah.
A lot of times I see on your show,
you have people with phobias.
Hmm.
What's the craziest phobia you saw in your show?
Very good.
Well, Rackna phobia is a big one.
It's fear of spiders.
Fighters.
The fear.
That's not really a big one.
Yeah, yeah. I've seen like cucumber.
We'll our friend of cucumber.
Well, let me finish in the Jewish community.
Yeah.
Careful, Dr. Phil.
I'm, I've done it all.
Wait, when you say spiders, do you mean homos?
Oh.
Is that what you're talking about?
Well, now that we're here, yeah.
Oh, wow.
So, so let me just back that up and put it in reverse.
You could keep that in because it's, I'm not saying. Okay. Oh yeah, no, so let me just back that up and put it in reverse. You could keep that in because I'm not saying.
Okay.
Oh yeah, no we're keeping it in.
My lawyer's already draft up a whole thing about this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The biggest phobia I saw was the fear of public speaking.
Okay.
I get that, but the biggest fear was fear of sexual intimacy.
Okay.
And still not weird, but, well, I've seen other shows.
You'd seen people, okay, okay, let me finish with her maffordites.
Oh, so her maffordite intimacy, who's playing Cicella, I think.
No, no, second night, this year, second night.
Second night, yeah.
We're doing the hologram thing, yeah, yeah, yeah, with two-pog.
Fear of just sexual touching.
And then fear of gas stations.
You ever seen strange addiction on A&E?
Yeah.
We're like a girl, be like, I can't.
It's not my gay, I'm like, I eat a barricope.
And you're like, well, I feel bad for you,
but also gross.
Gross.
Yeah.
So we just try to deal with it as it comes,
but phobias are, everyone's got a phobia, something.
What's your phobia, Phil?
Well,
ghosts who pop balloons, unexpected, big fear.
I heard you say black people.
Yeah, but that was a joke.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean, you know.
Yeah.
What's your real fear?
Dr. Phil, I want to break you down. What is genuinely the thing that that that shakes you?
What really gets under your skin? You're playing a pickup game at 24 hour fitness
Basketball. Yeah. Oh, yeah, and someone's you know talking a little bit too much shit and they can't back it up
So you dig deep right you stretch a little bit extra and you throw a couple bows you drop a little Charles Oakley on them
But sometimes that didn't go your way
and they ban you from that 24 hour fitness.
That's your fear.
Well, I'm getting to it.
Please do.
My fear is not being able to control my anger.
Oh, okay.
Okay, and certain kinds of people.
That's not what I'm saying.
Well, it did sound like it.
Well, okay, look, most of the pickup games
are featuring less than white characters.
Yeah. Dr. Phil, you can just say I'm racist. Say that. I won't say it.
You won't. Okay, I won't say it because Oprah will be mad. I've been with everybody. And I think
once you experience everybody, you get to know truly that this country's made up of a cool species
of people. Look huh. Dude.
What, I'm listening actively.
Let me ask you something.
I'll first see if you were the real doctor Phil.
There was a comedian that taught you how to play tennis.
Yeah.
Who was that comedian's name?
Todd him, is that true?
Oh, Kirk Fox.
Yeah.
Wanna see my Kirk Fox impression?
Yeah.
That's really good.
You do know him.
Very good.
Very good.
You do know him. We good. You do know him.
We're all just doing it.
You are took it again.
Very good.
What makes you want it?
So, you know, but I don't do impressions actively.
It's like you do.
Yeah.
But I taught Kirk tennis.
He's got a good forehand.
Backhand could use some work.
You taught him tennis.
Oh, yeah.
I thought he taught you know he was like a professional.
First going around telling everybody that he taught me,
let's okay.
And I don't want to say I write a lot of his material
because I don't,
but I have influenced some punchlines.
Wow.
You guys know what it's like when you're hanging out,
busting balls, someone says something funny,
and they go, you're gonna use that.
You do that with him?
I don't have to, but I do it.
What's Dr. Phil's favorite meal?
Swimming after breakfast.
Cause it challenges my body to step up.
Right.
You don't have a great body, Dr. Phil.
It's not where I want it to be,
but 20, 20, four is coming up,
and I'm looking to, I don't know,
get a stair step or a trainer or ozampic. Oh, you're going to get on the oz? Is that what the kids are calling it?
It's yeah. And you should know that for your show.
Yeah, I'd suck on Dorothy's titties.
Because you're a friend, you're a friend. Well, I can take you down that yellow brick road.
Your friend, Oprah revealed she was on that.
I saw that. Yeah. What now, is this why you got influence to do it because the big O did it?
Well, prepared a statement.
Now, is this why you got influence to do it because the big O did it? Well, I prepared a statement.
So Oprah, as you said, recently on the on the O's.
Is that all written on one paper or is this a?
Yeah, I prepared a lot of statements.
All right.
It's size eight, career new.
You're a career new guy.
Yeah, I look at you.
I think I think winged things all day.
Now, which one is that again?
Because it's been a minute since I've written a paper.
It's all the simple.
That's great.
That's a winged.
That's a winged.
That's a winged.
Dr. Phil, get it together, bud.
All right.
So a lot of heat is coming towards my pal Oprah.
They go, hey, you were bigger and now you're not what you do.
Well, in her defense, you know, food has been an issue for quite some time as has been for me as
well. One night in particular, I think it was 1996 and I just gotten some sort of an award
and we were getting a little stony bloney and dipping gushers into cool whip.
I digress, but I think that that night told us a lot about ourselves that we have a sugar addiction.
So, leave her, leave her the fuck alone.
Wow.
I'm glad you write this stuff down.
Yeah.
There we are toasting.
I think that's when I, I think I just, I don't know, dad my pubes or something.
No, she was told, oh, that was when the book came out.
I will say that's a very relatable thing to drink,
Crystal.
I think most Americans,
Oh, and that picture was not staged.
I would say most Americans want to see you
in in Luba Tonshu's cheers in Crystal.
You want to get back to your roots?
I think so.
I'm not gonna relate to the people.
You got to wear $5,000 shoes,
drinking,
$3,000, $2,000,
champagne.
We're from the people. Dr. Phil, we're,000, $2,000, champagne.
We're from the people.
Dr. Phil, we're people, people.
It's a good Oprah.
We're people, people.
Yeah, she says that a lot.
We're people.
We're people, people.
Well, I love the big ol' because she's Chicago.
She represents my city.
I love that.
Now, when she, going to an Oprah taping,
seems like almost like a mad TV taping from the 90s.
Energy tap.
I was on that show.
I know, that's why I brought it up.
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, let's not go back to it. Yeah, yeah, that's not pretty good. Yeah, I know. I went to Jerry Springer. I was on that show. I know that's why I brought it up. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, let's not go back to it.
Yeah, yeah, that's not pretty good.
Yeah, I know.
I went to Jerry Springer when I was in high school.
Yeah, that's awesome.
On senior ditch day.
Are you a fucking kid?
I swear to God, non-senior ditch day.
That's where we went to Jerry Springer downtown.
Hey, he was a legend
and be the audience must have been banana city.
We'll be right back.
Keep it right here.
No, yeah, I went to Jerry Springer.
I just, I don't know why we haven't talked about this
for my senior ditch day.
It didn't end up.
It was fucking the most fun I think I've ever had.
Was there violence that day?
I bet you can guess the category of what it was that day.
Baby is mama?
Baby's mama was the first one.
What do you think the second one was?
Animal attack videos.
No, but that's very good.
I wish we got an animal. Yeah.
So baby is mama and then who's the daddy?
Who's the daddy?
Oh, who's the daddy?
That's what the category was called, the baby mama.
That was the first one.
What's the second one called?
Was it rebellious kid?
No, not rebellious teen.
Yeah, that's a good guy.
That's a very good guy.
That's not my favorite.
Those are great when they get scared straight.
You see the one where the guy's like,
you fuck you and then the kid's like,
he's like, what, where's your dad?
And he's like, and we're having dad.
And then he's like,
you want me to be your dad?
And then the kid's like,
I've never seen that one.
Oh, it's fucking sad.
Yeah, yeah.
I like it when the kids though, double down.
I love that.
You know what I mean?
Fuck you bitch.
Yeah, I love that.
You gotta go to the house. You don't tell me what to do. And then they never get kicked out of the house. They win. And then I love that. You know what? Fuck you bitch. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, you know, you gotta go tell me what to do
And then they never could keep down the house. They win and then I love it
Then sometimes they send them to scared straight remember that TV show. Yeah, where they put them in a prison
I did want to one you want to scare straight. No, my wasn't the forest. Are you serious? Scared gay?
My was um come here behind this tree. No, my was you have to walk from mammoth
To yousemity and back you did not do that. I did you did not know what you completed that task
I did you walk from it was 12 rebellious kids. I did it my I did it
My junior sophomore year in high school you walked from mammoth it's not in a day like it took weeks and weeks
Where did you stay at night in a tent?
You did this. Yes. How the fuck have we
never talked about this? Why is that something I want to talk about? I want to talk about
it. Oh, I was always the last guy. I remember going catch up. Lee. Dude, that entire walk would
take how long did it say 14 14 fucking hours. Did you sleep? Like weeks. What did you guys
go? They're in back. Would you do a mile a day? No, we were camp and they talked to us about rocks.
Okay, this sounds made up.
Did you learn anything?
No, but I didn't sound like it.
But I won the talent show.
What was the talent?
I sang a song called EDM in.
Sing it right now.
I don't remember the song, but I made up a song.
I go EDM in, dun dun dun dun dun dun.
Do you know what I mean?
Something like that. That's great. All the guys were like, I go, E-D-E-M-E-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D No, that's not good. I performed it. Somebody else to do something. I went out there and did it, dude. Did you give a pub shot? No, back then you can do that. Why?
It was against the rules, but you walked from me and I remember jumping in a lake through on a cliff.
What lake? I don't remember. Well zoom in. There's one right there. I mean, I'm
I want to say this too. I have photos to prove it at home.
I want to be next week. You're bringing a man. I will have photos to prove it. That lake. want to be next week you're bringing a match. I will.
I have photos to prove it.
That lake.
Grant Lake would have been the one he passed.
Grant Lake had jumped in.
Yeah.
How was it?
I remember being cold, but I remember doing it, and I remember being proud of myself.
Did nobody else do it?
Everyone did it.
We were all meth kids.
Right.
Well, so the great meth hike from your study.
Yeah.
By the way, a real meth head would have done it in a day.
But it was like a scarce, straight kind of a program like, and I came back and I remember
going, yeah, I'm gonna do more meth.
Yeah, it didn't work.
It didn't work.
It didn't work.
Yeah, it's almost like when the dare officer tells the kids about drugs and he just gets
some fired up to taste them.
Yeah, they bring in bonds.
I thought that was so funny.
They were like, they blow the smoke in your face.
They blow the smoke in your face.
And you would absolutely want to use that.
They show how fun it is to take a bong rip. You're like, you smoke pot. Oh all the time. I have an all day everyday snoop staff
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It's pretty impressive.
Tell them about what you do when you get yourself
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I chew, chew, chew, chew, right?
And I wait a little, a couple of seconds
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And then it's chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew.
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I think that there is something about your journey, though,
that I dig.
What?
Well, I want you another rehab in the ocean side.
I met this girl, right?
And this is why I relapsed.
I tell you how I relapsed.
So I met this girl at rehab, and I remember,
she lived in this stuff, right?
And we were like, we're about to go to an A meeting
and she goes, let me try something on you.
I go, okay, and she put her, my body in between her legs
and she squeezed.
Well, it came out of you nothing
Not to paste
Red bean paste red bean paste. Oh, no nothing and no, that's not what it was then I go
Let me because I was on the rusting team. So I go let me try
She's okay, and I locked it in and I squeezed and she was died
You almost killed you can breathe. So then you did heroin again.
No, and then I remember crying,
Gorg, why can't you do it so hard?
It's a failure.
She had done it to me and then I went and realized,
wait, you mean that?
Do you know what I mean?
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
You mean that, that, that, that, that.
Well, you winner of all talent shows, my friends.
Yeah, you will.
There hadn't be many else competing against you
in that town.
Like, did anybody do like a Michael Clark donkin
or a Terry Shabbos version?
That wasn't around in the 80s, fuckface.
Right.
Impressions weren't?
No, Michael Clark donkin.
Oh, right.
I did a movie with him.
My first movie.
What was it called?
It was called, underground comedy movie.
Fuck yeah. So movie. Fuck yeah.
So underground.
So underground.
We put Bobbie Lee under ground comedy movie.
Right there.
Oh, the Shamwell guy is in it.
No, he was the main guy.
So put Bobbie Lee in there.
You'll see what I do.
I think the most racist fucking part.
Yeah, who'd you play?
What?
Am I in there?
No.
They cut you out of the poster.
Yeah, they probably cut me out.
Anyway, I was in that.
Dr. Phil, there's a lot of non-comedians that are going to be in this year's Netflix as a joke festival I've been seeing online.
Are you going to make an appearance by any chance?
I think so.
I think we locked in a show for May the 6th.
Wow.
Are you in one?
No.
I was there on me either.
No, I'm not anyone.
I did see Tom Brady is doing it, which, of course, it makes a lot of sense.
Makes perfect sense.
Because when I think of comedy especially
Yes, you see mama your name was sushi mama. Yeah, my that's incredible. Well, we're buying that shirt. Yeah, look at that shirt
That's awesome. It's in stock. No shit Carlos
$20 yeah, no shit go buy it
$120. Yeah, no shit, go buy it.
I'm buying.
I'm buying one.
In fact, I'll, if you want, I'll buy one for you.
Give Dr., Dr. Phil, give him your credit card.
He's gonna buy it right now.
Yeah.
We can do it later.
We can do it later.
We're out of the blue.
I'm in the blue.
First time I've taken my wallet out.
I just figured $460 million.
He can, that's not a big deal.
Dude, that is fucking wild.
That Dr., sushi mama is definitely a band.
You think it is?
Sushi mama?
Yeah, yeah.
We should start a band called Sushi Mama.
Sushi mama.
Yes.
Yeah, dude.
Was that like a hidden gem character?
You know what I'm saying?
Like a fan favorite?
No, they did,
what they did was, I remember kids.
I was,
I was in,
I was at the La Jolla comedy store.
I was in the open mic shout out.
And the fucking Shamwagai came up to me
Vince yep, what do you say? You're the shamwagai?
Cheezy and it was like the first celebrity ever met. Yeah, I froze. Yeah, I missed that spiky here
That's when I first got wind of you really back in the day. Oh, yeah, that's you got those headshots with the spiky here in the Hawaiian shirt
Yeah, yeah dog. I bought that shirt just cuz I love that headshot so much. Okay, good. I'm a big fan of a big guy yours too. Well, you know, my headshots are boring.
I just I'm just I'm just hurt. Fox. I'm just filled headshots. I want to see some of your good
headshots are they're all normal. You know, you're they look, I'll go through the faces. Ready? Yeah.
This is me being like, okay, what's that face? Who touched you?
Oh, that's that. Yeah, what's this face? What's that face? Who touched you? Oh, that's that.
What's this face?
What's this one?
I touched you.
I touched you.
That's I touched you.
Alright, you can make my mustache fall off, Bobby.
Alright, let's take turns.
So then, Jess, you do the next one.
It was a fun game.
It was a fun game.
What's the next one, Si?
I just farted.
Yes, it is.
Yep.
I see.
No, for real, I did just fart. Yeah.
But now, my question is, where do you think I farted it?
Oh.
Like what room?
Oh, oh, I thought you meant guess the fart.
I know this one.
I know this one.
I farted too much.
No shit.
There's a little poo.
And then go to the next.
That's the face of a guy who's about to shoot his pants on the 405.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this one, oh, what's this one?
Oh.
That one's I'm about to fart.
I'm about to fart.
That's a fart.
They're all pre-imposed fart.
And that one is you know what I did.
I'm just gonna know what I did.
That's what my dog looks like right here.
I think.
No, really?
You know what that is?
That's when I'm driving to the Laker game.
Yeah.
And you're in shotgun and I get out first
after I've let one rip.
Oh, right.
And I get out and I look at the valet guy and I go,
and keep that photo, can you do that?
What?
That face.
Let me see.
Let me see.
I've seen it from your vantage point.
This is terrifying.
Let me see if I can.
Go.
Somehow you always go cross-eyed.
It is a little.
What?
I am a little cock-eyed.
I don't know if it's your eyes, but you go cross-eyed
when you do faces like that. That's so fucking racist. Look at me and do a little cock at it's your eyes, but you go cross-eyed when you do faces like that
That's so fucking racist. No, it's not it's too big you go cross-eyed you do
Yeah, that was the right one's in I have that head shot to
Whoa, dude, I don't think you guys were made to imitate
Like the machine-melting I can't let me see if I can keep them straight
Yeah, the noise I'll be the your- Oh, you're doing it again!
It's better, huh?
It's better, creepy though.
Oh, it hurts so bad.
They're moving so much.
Yeah, I'm controlling it.
Asian eyes are not supposed to do facial expressions.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, because like, look at this, like your mom, like this.
If I say to your mom, somebody died.
Her facial expression would be what?
Okay, okay, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, okay, no. No, no. I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what kind of camera play.
I don't know what I'm, that was the new one.
You would have no expression.
I was too old.
Sure you go.
Okay, okay, ready?
Somebody died.
I just got a big promotion.
That's what you're saying?
Mom, I'm gay.
Okay.
No, oh, that's great.
Do you think when the two bombs dropped, there was facial expression, that's probably. Do you think when the two bombs dropped,
there was facial expression, but it's probably.
No, they were just,
oh my God.
Oh, a top of bomb.
Yeah, can you imagine?
That's right, Inc. Godzilla minus one.
I saw them running.
They were like, wait a minute.
What do you think, Scareer?
Godzilla or a bomb?
Godzilla with a bomb. Godzilla with a bomb.
Godzilla is a bomb.
Because in about watching Godzilla bomb with the ha ha.
Whoa.
His new shit is pretty good.
It's but yeah.
You imagine we got earthquake.
What if a comedian came out and was like,
my name's Godzilla?
Could you do that?
Well, more elements would be if we had another comedian
that was like tornado.
Well, we had Chinaman.
Oh yeah.
Who's that?
Mark Britain. His that was like tornado. Well, we had Chinaman. Oh, yeah. Who's that? Mark Britain.
His name was Chinaman?
Yeah, so years ago I was in Texas.
Was the story good, better?
Yeah, it does.
It does.
It does.
So I was in, so Mark Britain, what was his name?
Chinaman.
Oh, I remember this guy, yeah.
His name was Chinaman.
Yeah, that's him.
He's half Asian, his name was Mark Britain.
Can we get this guy on the channel?
Can I say something? Let me say something about Mark. Please. Okay.
He taught Pablo Francisco how to do impressions. No. Yes. This guy is the best impression as you'll ever see.
The movie trailer voice is probably from hand, right? Number two, right? He's a,
he would sell out every fucking show in Texas. Sure. I don't doubt it. And number three, he came up to me once and goes,
um, yeah, man, I don't know. I can't make, you know, get anything going in Hollywood and I go,
maybe because your name is Chinaman.
What is the name of his album? Because you know what he now, he changed his name to,
guess what? His name is Kid Walk. Kid Walk. Wait, look at his website. No, you're kidding.
I said W-W-W-W-MeSoFunny.com is where you find his work.
That's a very funny website.
Me so, me so funny.
Very good.
Kid walk.
Yeah.
Kid walk, funny.
But Chinaman was and he was solid.
So, you know, but he wasn't even full Asian.
That was what's crazy.
Well, but half used to get the hottest checks too
back in the 90s.
Do you think it was the go T or one of them at least?
Can't even wonder.
He's so funny this guy.
I once, I once talked to my two girls in San Jose
that had been with Polly Shore.
They had nothing but great things to say.
And I got to be honest, I was a little jealous.
Of the girls or Polly?
Maybe a little bit of both.
Cause I've never hooked up with a celebrity.
You are a celebrity.
Have you ever jerked off?
Today. Have you jerked off? I
mean, I don't like to say it's a problem, but it's not an issue. Do you need to tell us
something? All right. I jerk off a lot. I don't know what's what you jerk off to music. Oh,
oh, can we guess? Wow. Can we guess the band? Sure, I got no shame. It's classical.
No.
Sometimes, but not usually.
Maga death.
Yep.
That's what you jerk off to.
Okay, don't act so surprised.
No, we're not.
It's fine.
It's cool.
Yeah, it's, I don't know.
It's, it's the contrast.
Some people like a little bit of lotion.
I'm more of a soap guy.
I thought you were a Bruce Horn's bee.
Mmm.
That's just the way it is.
Yeah.
Where's that guy? Love that song though. Love. That's just the way it is. Yeah, where's that guy?
Love that song though.
Love it.
What was the lyrics in the beginning?
Staying from time, Mark and Sam.
Right in for the mirror from the front.
Yeah, some sad shit.
Working class works shit, and then that's just the way it is.
I think it was like, yeah, wait, like, I'm nine to five abortion time
or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, nine to five abortion time.
But he played the piano with soot.
He dad just died. Yeah, he just died. He got dark real quick. Yeah, I got real quick.
That's just the way it is. And then you're listening. I guess it is the way it is.
I guess I have to suck it up. Yeah. And then the sweet piano would make you forget
about your. It's just the way it is. Oh, good. I guess I can't get a job.
Right. Oh, you can't. You know another song that fast car by
fucking what's her name?
Two-pock then used that song by the way and made it amazing.
What? Fast car? No, that's the way it is.
Oh, it is. Yeah.
Fast car is another depressing song.
From Tracy.
You got a fast car.
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Bro, bro. You just hit my fucking heart just now.
You got a fast car. You know what, I'm checking bro, you just hit my fucking heart. It's not you. You know what?
You're tacking off to tonight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, you're two for two and I might be going on tour.
So what's that song about fast car?
It's about your dad's something, right?
It's dad has diabetes or something.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a legless.
Legless.
Yeah, where's she going to in that fast car?
She wants to go somewhere with her man. Yeah, for the last days. Where is she going to in that fast car?
She wants to go somewhere with her man.
A combination KFC Taco Bell.
Well, yeah, wow.
You got a fast car.
Yeah.
We gotta go to KFC and you want a Taco Bell.
Yeah.
I'm a fast paternal, Santa Codido.
See?
Go, Dida.
I'm a Navidad, Minna, Minna, huh?
Like a KFC.
Tina. There it is. Okay. There it is. I want to stay to the Taco Bell hotel. I'm gonna go, you know, I'm gonna go, you know, I'm gonna go, you know, I'm gonna go, you know,
there it is.
Okay, there it is.
I want state of the Taco Bell hotel.
That's not so much to everybody, but.
How was the Taco Bell hotel?
Diarrhea city.
Yeah, really?
Everyone was shitin' themselves.
Yeah, I had a stand up, I had a stand up
joke about Taco Bell slash KFC.
Okay.
You just did the punchline down.
What?
It's hard to decide when you go to those things.
Like how bad do I want my diarrhea?
Oh, funny. You can have it. No. I already get it. You know, I've been doing that.
That was in the 90s. Well, I shot a special on Vimeo. Did you really? Yeah. Yeah.
But it's, you know, I'll send you the link. But it ain't. It's not worth watching twice. Anyway.
Yeah. KFC and Taco Bell. What a combination. other combination do you wish we're out there? Oh really?
That's nice. What do you wish? Well, what how about just like?
Tube okay, so what this yeah Tommy burger, okay?
John but juice yeah, it's that's really good. Why why do I say that because I like it always fucks up your stomach?
Yeah, yeah with the chili. Yeah, you know me, mean? But then you're like, oh, I'll have a some weak grass.
Level you out.
Level me.
Level ginger shot.
Yeah, yeah, ginger shot.
Empty everything.
What is another good combination?
What's a good combination?
In and out and orange Julius.
Why?
Well, the in and out burgers, you know,
gonna treat your right, Derrick Queen style,
but also, you know, hot eats your at dairy queen style, but also, you know,
hot eats cool treats are coming up inside you.
Dropped down a nice little Julius on top.
Okay, good, very good.
Circle, get the sweater.
I get it, I get it.
Circle, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
But I think that, yeah, it's the sweet,
it's the sweet on sweet that I like.
Yes?
I'd probably do like a Jack in the Box with a CVS.
Ooh, why?
Very smart.
Just because I get like so much from Jack in the box,
I can't help myself,
because I'll get the tacos, the jalapeno blog bros,
the sourdough jack.
Yeah, I'm having an egg roll.
Sometimes an egg roll too.
Maybe a chicken teriyaki bowl, if you're getting frisky.
No, I've never got, they have that a jack,
they have everything at the box.
They have everything at CVS to cure everything.
Ah, and more beverages too. You can get a Gatorade zero to CVS. Yeah, and you
guys are like on your period and then you have to get fast food and then you have to
like go to the I know what that's like. Yeah, I know that's like I would want to combine
Firehouse subs. Oh, you're fucking call you know, firehouse subs, I'd like them. Yeah. Firehouse subs and a auto zone.
Why?
Why?
I've been, I have to change my fucking oil and I just can't get there, but if you put it
near in a combination of firehouse subs, because I'm going to eat lunch, but how often can
I go fucking to auto zone to change my oil?
That's nuts.
I need oil in my car. Haven't been there.
It's been beeping at me for a month and a half.
Put them together, I'll fucking do it.
Wow, I love that.
Let me get a fucking Turkey avocado.
I'll get some oil then.
That's really good at you,
because Autozone doesn't have snacks.
No, there's no snacks there.
But they have a lot of things that you need for your vehicle.
But not for your vehicle.
Thank you.
We'll be right back.
You out, oh, okay.
I pointed at you to do it.
We're gonna keep it right here.
I do have something to say about that.
Bless you.
Is that chicken pox or monkey pox?
Well, I don't know.
You're the doctor.
I have a statement prepared.
I know.
Jess, your shark has them's been an issue lately.
Shark has them? Is that that? Is that a shark has them? Oh, shark has them. been an issue lately shark has them mm-hmm. Is that that is that?
Shark has oh shark has them. It's when you're like I didn't shoot my parents, but you did you know what you did and who you are
Bobby, what's in that pen? Oh?
No, he's gonna have an intervention on you right now
No judgment. Yeah, just curious. Okay. What's in the pen the pen? It's it's called a jewel and it's
It's like a tobacco flavor to a bite. They all good all good flavors it
I just
Not like a strawberry or a cheesecake to back on that good and when you suck on it, okay, where are you going?
Where we going, dude, you need it, huh?
I don't need it. Okay. Yeah it, huh? I don't need it.
Okay, yeah, go ahead.
Cause I don't need this.
Interesting approach, Doug.
Very interesting.
Well, every patient's different.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're still okay.
He's trying to get you off the pen.
Go ahead.
No, no, if anything, I'd like to encourage more of it.
You want him to use the V8 pen more.
I think he's not vaping enough.
Hmm.
That's not gonna work either.
Listen, Dr. Philm, I don't drink.
I don't do drugs.
I quit such smoking cigarettes sometimes.
I vapled some.
Congrats on the most popular.
And this is my last hurrah here.
Right.
So I think I'm doing pretty good, man.
That and food.
You know, it's so funny when I'm like,
That's not a shot.
What my mom said to me yesterday,
I've been, did I share about it?
I shared about it in my A really.
Okay.
I'm not taking a shot at it.
And my mom said, you were there.
Yeah.
She goes, you'd be handsome if you lost weight.
She said you used to look like Elvis.
Did you really?
I don't think your face doesn't match your stomach.
That's what she said.
Yeah, that hurt.
That's fucking, that's deep.
That's deep, that's.
She said you had a beautiful face.
She did.
She said if you're...
What about my body?
I think your body's fine.
She poked your stomach about five times.
Yeah, like, what do you think about my body?
Me as your employee.
That was a great fucking answer.
We're gonna be right back.
Yeah, very good.
I never know our dynamics.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, do you think I should lose some weight?
I think you're perfect just the way you are, like, looks wise, but you should walk.
It's just the way it is.
Yeah.
You'll never feel like how you were.
After you gorge a big meal, I want you to sit at the piano all slovenly just go.
That's just the word. Yeah. Things will never be just yeah. Yeah. Follow sleep. Yeah. I don't think you need to
lose any weight. Thank you. All I think you need to do is
continue being happy and that your health will follow suit.
I actually look at Carlos Carlos. You looks as healthy and
happy as I've ever seen him. He hugged me today when I came in
the studio. I was here early yelling at somebody and
Carlos walked in had a big smile. Didn't you and you and you you just you looked very good you feel good
He came to the meeting today. Well, I was gonna let him share it
But do you want to share this on the show or no? Yeah, I went to an AA meeting for the first time in like six years
Hey, that's a big deal don't let anyone tell you it's not.
No one didn't.
No one said it wasn't.
Well, they might.
No, they won't.
There's haters out there.
Phil.
Phil, what the fuck are you doing?
What you trying to stop the hate is different than today.
Yeah.
I thought you'd write to throw a plastic
that a glass of it.
I'll let me see something about you Phil, dude.
Got him.
Even since I've been in here,
before even the cameras went on, man,
you've been negative and fucking weird swearing up a fucking storm. Yeah, I'm Bob. You're acting like you
Opposite of what you're fucking represent on television. Yeah, I'm fucking tired of this shit, dude. Who the fuck are you dude?
It's good to see some emotion coming from you
The actor are you high right now dude? No your eyes dude
Dr. Phil stone you're stone right now. When did you eat a dead of all?
You know that didn't pause it.
You know, I'm doing it.
Yeah, it's been a rough couple of weeks.
What's been going on, Phil?
My goal fish, dad.
Okay.
Oh, man, we'll get you a new one, bud.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's time to replace the first fish you buy.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
When did you buy?
They live like three days.
Three days ago.
Okay.
Well, Dr. Phil, I would like you to get to the root of what's going on with Carlos.
I'm sorry to step you out of your goldfish quandary, but we'll get you a new one.
It doesn't mean anything.
And Carlos, we are proud of you.
I wanna say how happy I am.
You have looked like you're feeling like a new man.
Your clarity the other day was remarkable.
Thank you, Andrew.
You were intimidating Bobby a little bit.
Oh yeah, I did, yeah, we had some good riffs
on the show.
I was surprised.
I feel good at how good you feel. It was pretty, I was surprised. Yeah. I feel good at how good you feel.
It was interesting, like coming in sober to that episode, I felt more like, I felt sharper.
You want to show us something shiny?
Yeah, I got this 24 hour chip.
That's amazing.
And I showed it to Andrew and I almost started crying.
And I gave him a big hug.
But are you serious though?
He is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, and I was like, and tonight, no tonight I'm going to.
Really?
I'm gonna call, let him do it.
I believe him.
He's got the token to prove it.
Not real 24 hours then.
Put talking to the mic sweetheart.
It's not being 24 hours then.
No, no.
Well, we did a cut pieces of like shit out of people's lives.
The negative fucking fancy. Yeah, yeah, negative fancy.
That's your negative.
Negative fancy.
I'm just saying he.
No, no, fuck you.
You told me yesterday you didn't drink.
No, no, but then I did drink.
Yeah, this is what happened.
So in addiction fans, it goes up and down.
Oh my god.
You arrogant pieces.
Fuck dude.
That's spanish. This is a Spanish Mexican. I was fucked dude. That's spand it.
This is a Spanish Mexican.
I know.
That's what I just showed it.
That's what it is.
Can I say, can I take a stab at trying to see what,
how we got here?
Yeah.
Carlos, you've been sober a day now.
Yeah, like, yeah, like 10 hours.
So like five back to back episodes of save by the bill
of the college years exactly
That's not a long time
But you spent your time prior to that enjoying the the benefits of alcohol consumption. No, yes
What was some of the most fun things you did and do you miss it right now? Phil is this gonna keep him sober?
I just I don't know your approach. I your a doctor.
What are we go, what are the negative?
Yeah.
Well, that sounds like a good place to start.
Yeah.
Exactly.
What, what got you, what did you hate about yourself?
Honestly, that I would wake up, not remember how I got home.
That by the way is something we've all, we've all been there.
Oh my God.
The nightmare of a magic.
I've never been that.
I've imagined us getting the call. Paul me. Okay, bring
thing. Oh, hey, what's up? Yeah, Carlos. What's not to be Bobby? Oh,
hey, Bobby. Yeah, calling from Carlos is fun.
Hold on. What are the numbers? What are the numbers at the show?
Yeah, we're doing really well this week. Good, good, good.
Good. We hit all the checkpoints.
Yeah.
Speaking of hit, you got anything to tell?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Why do I have Carlos's phone?
That's right.
Oh, why?
He's, he's, uh, well, he's in the back of a police car.
Mm-hmm.
What's new?
Yeah, well, what's new is, um,
yeah, what's the new part about?
The new part of about this is that, um, a family died. Hi, I'm officer James. Uh, I'm here to tell you
about the family. Now, are you calling me? Are you here with me right now? Oh, I'm here.
Oh, officer James. I'm so sorry. It's good to see you. Oh, you guys showed up. Oh, you
can't, we're here to get.
Just do it.
What the heck have you been with these guys all day?
No, I thought we were recording.
Yeah, we were supposed to shoot it anyway.
Obviously, James, wrap this up.
We have to have film bad friends.
Yeah, well, and I know that.
And I realize that this happened close to home.
And I hate that for you, but your friend Carlos,
hit a family, and they were on their way to shoot.
Can I stop you for a second?
Yeah.
You look exactly like Dr. Phil.
Yeah.
I was thinking that.
I thought too, that.
Are you?
It was crazy.
Dr. Phil.
Let me live a normal life, huh?
Oh, you're like, oh, I know.
You're like Steven Segal.
Yeah, I'm like undercover.
Sometimes he's a cop and stuff.
You ever see a undercover brother with Eddie Griffin?
I am.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the white version of that. Wow.
So you cause play as a cop.
You're like Shaq, you're like a...
Should we go to the murderers?
First office.
Oh, what happened?
Most of the family, so there was, I think,
there were, it was all adults.
Yeah, but the good news, Andrew, is...
Are they going?
Andrew?
Yeah.
The good news.
Raccoons.
Adam.
Oh, the family of raccoons.
Oh, the family of raccoons.
Well, who ate the bodies, the family that was real.
That's true.
That's true.
We opened them up, yeah, and there was a Hispanic family
inside the body of the racco.
How many people was this?
Well, I mean, you know, 30.
It felt like five, but they just kept coming out.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just like they do in like a regular car.
Yeah.
Well, what do you mean?
Sorry, officer, I just didn't get that bit. A lot of them. No, what do you mean? They fit a lot?
They like clowns
What's the Mexican one?
That's it. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was all let's get back to the carlis is here. What's up? Let's get back to the truth
Thank God, thank God. You did do anything fucking
That we know of yeah, that's true because that's okay. And hey, what's your hand right now?
If you drink and drive again, I will fuck you up.
I will fucking have said.
I don't like it.
It's not funny.
I don't like it.
Not funny.
I put this surrender to you today.
Okay, what is this?
Bring it over.
MDMA, mushrooms and cocaine.
Give it to me now.
Well, and then leave it here first,
and then I'll bring it over to Andrew.
So you're surrendering some stuff that you have for me.
Good for you.
What is it?
Now, do you wanna measure this to make sure that none of these
is. Okay, so what's the white powder?
Hey, I'm proud of you.
Hey, my man.
What's the white powder?
What's the white powder?
Big foot deal.
Well, this is Coke, yeah.
I don't know, let's,
can I see?
Officer, doctor.
No.
You out of your mind?
Coke.
Yeah, cocaine.
Last time I did Coke was a third eye,
I'm not a concert.
Molly. Molly from a different dealer I'm not answered. Molly.
Molly from a different dealer. Molly from a different dealer. I think I rented that now. I think I'm Molly. Mushrooms. Mushrooms. Mushrooms.
More mushrooms. And the coke, no fentanyl. So it's good to go, Dr.
You've tested it. Yeah, that's the last of it. I've done it. And then I had it as a backup
in case I needed an in the morning and then
Dr. Phil I made him pee on a cup and I want to make sure you know you test it
Yeah, we'll have our my producer Tina will test it. Oh, I thought you were here. We call her P Tina
Oh, there you go. So you peed in the cup before the show. Dr. Phil, do you want to make sure that this is that it's clean?
Yeah, so he's not's real American urine. Yeah.
Well, Mexican.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now what's Mexican American?
What's the difference?
You taste it, you'll know.
It's spicy.
Yeah.
It's just a little bite to it.
Yeah.
I just want to make sure that it's drug free.
Drug free.
That's real piss.
Yeah.
Give it one small sip, doctor.
That's how you test it? Yeah, smell the pee. Okay. I it one small sip, doctor. That's how you
tested? Yeah, smell the pee. I don't just eat shit. I smell it to
make sure it's after Phil relax. She's not a doctor. Well, I
never tested piss before she doesn't know. Well, you haven't
truly lived then. Or here we go. Oh my God. Oh my god. Is it clean? Oh my god. His pupils are dilating.
I really wish I hadn't done that. Why? Because now I'm hooked. Now your vocalist is This is the last of my margarita in my system. You okay? There's tequila in there.
It's not clean, right?
Return the chip.
I mean, it definitely is pee, but...
This guy...
Return the chip.
Such an asshole.
Return the chip.
You sound like a James Bond villain.
Return the chip.
There it is.
I'll show you guys.
Return the chip.
Oh!
Dr. R.
I'm not going to say that.
I'm not going to say that.
I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. You sound like a James Bond villain. Rick Dern de Chip.
There it is.
I'll show you guys.
Rick Dern de Chip.
Oh.
Dr. Bond.
Dr. Bond.
Dr. Bond.
Dr. Bond.
I have an idea.
Yeah, good.
Well, because Fancy's been so negatively, and Carlos is just getting out of drugs, I think
I saw this in a movie, if they switch places.
So Carlos could raise Fancy's baby,
and have a beautiful wife, and learn responsibility,
and Fancy could start doing cocaine,
and he could kind of loosen up.
You want this to all to be up on time every Monday?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like he could loosen up a little bit.
There was a negative.
Now let's try it.
Strike one.
Even if you switch places physically,
let's see if it dynamically changes how you guys are.
This is like that Bateman Reynolds movie, The Change Up.
It's exactly like that.
That's what I'm thinking of.
Alright, let's see if maybe this helps even a little bit.
Oh, I like this.
Yeah.
Oh, wow, you're, yeah.
You like the position.
Oh, you look so good there.
Thank you.
Hey, fans, how are you feeling?
I feel like drinking.
Okay, cool.
Wow.
Imagine going on a cruise boat and hearing that in the room across the hall. I feel like drinking.
Imagine going on a cruise boat and hearing that in the room across the hall. I feel like drinking.
And you go, we must be in the weird part of the ship.
By the way, you pass by that room.
You pass by the room thinking, right on, man, but you see he's just looking in the mirror by himself.
I feel like drinking.
No one's even in there with them.
You both created and you go,
my man, you need to say I'm with you or something.
Dr. P, I feel like those eddies are kicking in right now.
Aren't they?
I'm feeling pretty good.
I can't taste the P residue.
Carlos, congrats again, man.
Thanks, Tom.
I want to give you a big shout out and a quick little pat me on the back for yourself.
Oh, I like to do it for myself and then I just do that to you. See now, Dr. Bill, this you wouldn't mean like brush it away
This means like this is kind of dismissive like oh, sign language isn't this like fuck off? No, this is fuck off
That's fuck off. You know Adam Ray, right? Sure. Yeah, can you
Can I say something? I'm gonna say, not a fan.
I'll be either.
Well, it's also a fan.
But I would tell, but tell him on YouTube.
But I did a video with Andrew and, and then Adam Ray,
about an Olympic video that's done very well
on the internet.
It's my favorite, too.
One of my favorites, but I want to say something,
just relate this to Adam, if you may.
Okay.
I'm super proud of him,
because I can see him coming up in the comedy world
in terms of like the numbers and people talking about him. Okay. He's working super hard.
He has. Yeah. And I honestly, I tell him that I'm really proud of the guy. That's so nice.
Well, that means a lot. There it is. Yeah. Well, you know, it's a grind. And as you guys know,
you know, we just try to put one foot in front of the other. That game when we did that, what was my attitude like?
Ms. Rubel.
Was that really?
Yeah, you were being a little asshole.
Wow, 11 years ago.
11 years ago, look at that.
And you left early, you left the shoot before.
I mean, look at the, look at the, the,
co-cuts, someone's dealing coconut video game.
Well, you left the shoot before we were done.
Yeah.
We had access to the gym for a certain amount of time.
And Hoot Tauti was a great name for. Unbelievable. Yeah. You left the shoot before we were done. We had access to the gym for a certain amount of time and
Hut Tututi was a great name unbelievable. Yeah, hut Tututi
Well, you look good. Good. Haven't changed the bill
This was 11 years ago. I can't raise mom look like this. No, she will like him here
You see you didn't get less negative for some reason. It's like you stay He looks'm positive. He looks great. No, you said your mom would like this. It's
like a backhanded compliment. No, she love it. You look great. You're a fucking
asshole. You look great. Fuck you, dude. I love and yours a
coat, you're saying. Yeah. A decade ago. Yeah. Bobby Nord will love about
Hoots outfit. It looks like a real coach's outfit. It does. If you have that
jacket or did you buy it? No, that was in his trunk.
Yeah, it was my trunk.
It was in the trunk of his car.
Remember you getting it out.
It was very funny.
You know who complimented me about this video?
Who?
Alison Jones.
Oh really?
Yeah, she goes, I saw that video deal with Andrew
and Adam, she goes, so funny.
You know what was really funny about this moment
that we were starting to shoot this?
You didn't want to do it.
And then you asked if you could smoke in the gym.
Yeah, that's right. And I thought of all the places you probably can't say.
It's in a fun.
Yeah, it's a kids gymnasium.
Yeah, yeah.
But you know what?
What a fun video.
What you killed.
You're violent.
What a funny thing too.
It's like violence is only funny if it's done by the right people.
Yeah, that's right.
Schwarzenegger.
What?
Oh, the way.
I don't like the way I said that.
Arnold.
Yeah, the last name.
Well, now you're making me self conscious.
No, the last name.
Do you know him, Arnold?
Yeah, you know, we've been passing.
And we've been at premieres together.
So I mean, the Schwartz was fine.
Yeah, Schwartz sounded normal.
Let's just leave it at that then.
Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We met at the premiere of, what was it? That's your old accountant, Arnold Schwartz. Yeah, yeah, Arnold Schw We met at the premiere of, what was it?
That's your old accountant, Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, Arnold Schwartz, yeah.
Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead.
What a film.
Wow.
With Christina Applegate and a very early, still getty.
Love Christina Applegate, dude.
I had such a crush on her.
Big crush, still do.
Is this a shoe in that?
No.
No, that's, that's babysitter.
That's a,
No, babysitter, don't tell, no. Adventures in babysitting. Yeah. No, that's baby. That's a baby. No, baby.
Don't tell, no, adventures in baby sitting.
Yeah.
Boy, a lot of baby sitting.
She's doing pretty good, huh?
Elizabeth shoe.
Yeah.
What is she doing?
I'm not privy to what you're saying.
She's in the, the boys.
Oh, the boys, the boys.
Yeah.
You see the boys?
I have.
Right, child.
Very funny.
I don't see a lot of, watch a lot of Dr. Pimple Popper a lot.
Oh, okay, okay. A lot of other doctors. Chop junior. Boy don't see a lot of watch a lot of Dr. Pimple Popper a lot. Oh, okay, okay, okay.
A lot of other doctors.
Chop, junior.
Where they're mean to those kids.
You're like, hey Caleb, you're good.
Do you know Dr. Scholes?
Oh, the medicine woman.
Or know the product.
Yeah, I also know Dr. Pepper.
The shoe guy.
You know Dr. Scholes or the shoe guy or not?
No, Dr. Pepper.
Sure.
Well, Dr. Pepper. I know Justin Guarini, that's what you're getting at.
Yeah, Guy.
I can call him right now.
Don't, please.
No.
I'll read the room.
You know mythological doctors?
Well, Dr. Doom.
Dr. Doom, yeah, well Dr. Klaas probably the most famous
of the fake docs, or maybe Mick Dreamy.
Who do you think gets more pussy? Dr. Klaas from Inspector Gadget or Patrick Dempsey? I'm going to go with Dempsey. Oh, it's probably the most famous thing. Oh, okay. The fake docs. Yeah. Or maybe Mick Dremey.
Who do you think gets more pussy?
Dr. Klaw from Inspector Gadget or Patrick Dempsey?
I'm gonna go with Dempsey.
It's like a wild guess, but I think Dempsey does for sure.
Yeah, I mean, agree to disagree, but yeah.
Yeah, Dempsey, he really popped off.
Jess, who was your like hunk?
Probably Doc Ock.
Dr. Octavius.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, good job.
Hey, I'm in with hate arms, are you kidding me? Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, good. Amanda, hey, arms, are you kidding me?
Oh, oh, oh, there we go.
Hey, you're three for three.
Don't his fingers have tongues on them?
They probably could.
Isn't that how they taste?
I thought about it, but yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Can you imagine that?
They don't, but they could.
They could.
Can you imagine getting fingered and there's a tongue on the finger?
These are the things I think about.
Yeah.
Imagine Dr Octavius. What's his name? Octavius.
Octavius. Him being a goalkeeper for a soccer team.
Amazing. undefeated. undefeated. I mean, I imagine you're doing a penalty
kick and he's just unstoppable. And then just tongues everywhere.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
It's does he win? Oh my God. Ronaldo would be scared.
Well, everybody would be. No, Ronaldo could get him. You think so?
Yeah, he took the basket.
Two football months.
FIFA Ronaldo could.
If fuck yeah man.
You know much about soccer?
Love FIFA.
Just scored on my own team in the fourth grade.
True story.
What do you mean?
My friend's dad called me a fucking idiot.
Yeah, wait, an on goal?
What's that?
It's called an on goal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The goal he was trying to dive out of the way,
the ball was going towards the sideline.
Yeah. And I kicked it. And this is me telling the story, not Adam Ray. Yeah, yeah, the goal he was trying to dive out of the way the ball was going towards the sideline. Yeah, and I kicked it
And this is me telling the story not Adam Ray. Yeah, yeah, because I've heard him tell a similar story and he's fabricating me
This happened to me. Yeah, balls going towards the sideline try to kick it out of bounds
It's sliced around the goalie he dove in slow motion. Yeah, and I went oh, fuck
Friends dad on the ride home goes you fucking idiot really fifth grade? Fifth grade, yes. Oh, wow, wow, wow.
Oh, me.
Yeah, I was terrifying.
As a child, you learn that, you know,
even adults are doing their best,
but in that moment, I, you know,
I wanted to grab the wheel and crash us into a Wendy's.
Jesus Christ.
This is Christ.
Dr. Phil.
But I didn't.
I think, God, yes.
Phil discipline.
You're still here, buddy.
Well, I'm clicking and ticking.
I'm feeling good.
It wasn't just your birthday.
It's September coming up last September.
No, I get it.
We're further away.
We're in the mid.
Yeah, it's like next six months,
it'll probably happen again.
That's like a golden shower birthday or something.
What do you mean?
When it's your midpoint birthday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that what you think it's called?
I don't know, I just drank some piss
and I'm still thinking about it.
Oh, okay.
I might have, you know what,
even though it's gonna be my 53rd birthday.
Congrats.
Thank you.
I might have a party.
Because back in the day,
I don't know if you could,
do you ever go Carlos?
I used to have these big parties.
You know where I used to have them?
Spaghetti factory.
Yep.
Do you ever go, did Adam ever go?
I believe he sent me some pictures.
Yeah, yeah.
And it looked like a blast.
I used to read out half a fucking spaghetti factory.
Whose dad owned it?
We knew the kids, dad.
I don't know.
It was a comic whose dad owned the spaghetti factory.
Hit the fuck yeah.
On Hollywood Boulevard, right?
Yeah, it was on Sunset.
Sunset it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There was a kid that his dad owned that spaghetti factory, a comic.
I don't remember. And we were coming up when Adam and I were young. Sure. Yeah, yeah. There was a kid that his dad owned that spaghetti bag a comic. I don't remember when we were coming up when
When Adam and I were yeah, yeah, we remember he tells me a lot of your your your up-and-coming stories the Robbie Picard bar shows
Oh, yeah Robbie Picard. Yeah down in orange County orange County. There's a lot of shit gigs you guys do
And I really want to say you know my world it's like you're yeah
You you kind of get thrust into the limelight pretty quick
But you guys got to just take it or leave it.
It doesn't seem like it was quick for you.
Didn't you become famous in your like 50s?
Yeah, but I feel like I was famous in my 20s.
But you weren't.
What did we learn today?
Well, we learned that Scooby-Doo has a multiple, as a different way of looking at life.
Yeah, yeah.
Yapa, dapa, doo.
Yeah, we learned that.
So that was good.
We learned that, you know,
I've got all sorts of different looks for the camera.
We learned this.
We learned your dance from EDMA.
EDMA, right?
What do we also, we learn?
Well, what we did learn is that Carlos is on a new path
to having an introduction.
Yeah, exactly.
Why don't we say goodbye to Dr. Phil?
And we can wrap up without Dr. Phil so we can talk
bad about him.
Okay.
A little bit.
Happy New Year, by the way.
Happy New Year.
This was a resolution of mine was to come on this show.
Oh, good.
We really appreciate you, Dr. Phil.
Thank you for being on the show.
Be good to yourself.
That's great.
Well, thanks for Dr. Phil coming through.
That was a little awkward. Lock through. That was a little awkward.
Lockwood.
That was a little shout out.
Shout out Matt Lockwood.
That was a little awkward.
That was a little awkward.
He's different.
He's a little bit.
Yeah.
Well, he's, what's the word I'm looking for?
He's a little.
Skinnier?
He's skinnier than I thought.
That is for sure.
Yeah.
But also you can tell when it hit.
Yeah, you can tell, can't you? No, be hit. Yeah, you can tell can't you know, be real.
Yeah, you can tell when the edibles kick in his eyes.
You could tell like ripped ripped and then he didn't know what really what he was talking.
He drank piss.
I mean, this guy is that's insane.
It's so gross.
But did he help solve anything in the studio?
No, not at all.
He made it worse.
He tried to get Carlos to keep using.
Fancy definitely is not in support of Carlos. Yeah, not at all. You made it worse. He's trying to get Carlos to keep using. Fancy definitely is not in support of Carlos. Yeah.
Brighty, which is honestly, I'm annoyed, but it's like, well, how do I really dictate
that? I'm mad. I am. Let's talk about the year in general. Can we talk about the year
in general? Yes. We had some great moments on this year, but we've had some dark times.
We have to go through those to get to the light. Yeah.
Oh, one day.
Oh, one day sober.
Yoda now.
What the fuck?
I'm dressed as I'm not even one day.
Hey, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It works if you work at it.
Yeah, yeah.
But, you know, it's, you know, too, as a family,
we went through a lot of tough times, we said good times.
But, you know, at the end of the day, we're still standing and we will move forward.
We're sitting right now.
Okay, we'll be sitting and we'll sit forward.
We'll sit forward.
I am leaning forward.
I know you are.
And we will continue.
I imagine us doing this for many good years.
One more.
We're done.
No, I'll be real.
No, I think till 2025 for sure though.
I'd say 2030.
Wow, that's a lot.
Well, you won't be here.
You won't be here.
Yeah, you'll be directing fucking commercials or something then.
Oh my God, you know, but you know what kind?
It'll be like, it'll be like industrial commercials.
Yes, 100%.
Or you know, you'll be washer dryer.
It'll be like combo washer drier.
Yeah.
Do you want to wash a nozzle dry at the same time?
Yeah.
You know, he'll be directing bullshit like that for sure.
I think I can predict what we're going to be
in the next couple of years.
I think Carlos in five years is no longer to be in LA.
What?
Just hear me out.
Okay.
He's going to be one of those guys that's going live Amongst other people like him in an island do beads
Whoa, you know, I mean a lot of smells. I like this like lighting like you know me in powders and stuff
Okay, where's McCone gonna be?
McCone is gonna go back to Minnesota. Yeah, yeah, he'll have to I mean that's my prediction
You're gonna be back in Minnesota, but you're the big wig.
You know what I mean?
You're gonna be in part of some sort of like,
you know, a design.
You're gonna do something with design.
That's the name of your design firm as big wig.
Big wig.
Big wig.
Big wig designs.
We're gonna be in Minneapolis.
You'll have an office.
What about fancy?
Fancy, I like industrial commercials.
Thank you.
Oh, we mean that.
Yes.
Okay, good.
He's not working for us anymore than in five years.
Okay.
What about Jetsky?
Jetsky's going to be, and this is where it turned bad.
Oh, no.
This is going to hurt.
This one's going to hurt.
It had to be.
It's going to hurt us, not you.
What?
You're going to be a huge comedian.
You'll have your own talk show.
Oh, like, super fat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, she will get away a lot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a woman.
And her new name is going to be Rolly Polly.
Rolly Polly!
Yeah.
And the introduction of the song, Rolly Polly!
That's so.
It's just going to roll down this hill.
Right.
Like, you know, like a pillbug.
Yes.
And you'll come back like that, right?
Yeah.
And you go, you're right, it has some fun.
Right. Everyone in the audience
Alina's wearing really poli shirt right really poli by glasses and then
You will delete us from your phone
You'll delete us from your phone. You will do this one. But you will go. Oh like when you we come up
Let's say it says something to me about us. I'm just seeing the future.
Oh, chast, it's been so long.
How's it been?
Rollie-poly.
No, we know you're Rollie-poly.
And do you love it though?
It's so cool.
It's through the scales up in the fucking heavens.
So you lost your ability to talk?
What do you mean?
You got so famous you couldn't formulate phrases?
What, hey guys, you know, when I go down that hill,
dude, that's for real.
And I do it every show. So, how come you haven't like for what hey guys you know when I go down that hill dude that's for real and I do it every show so how come you haven't
like gotten contact with us again we've been calling you to come back on the
bad friend show and you excuse me we just would this you're not an interview
from news it's me it's Andrew
hey hey really this it's Bobby. Oh
You're the sound guy, right? Yeah, yeah, but yeah, I've been doing it part time, but I was wondering what's the what's the tech? Well, you know what you're gonna be doing in five years sound
The sound guy now. Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner
Like old times. We get it. I'm gonna say Tomahawk steak.
Rollie, Paulie is fine.
Rollie, Paulie is a therapy thing.
No, like she just goes into herself.
Oh, that's so sad.
All right, what happens to me in five years?
You're not my driver?
Those sound like people have drivers.
You I just got an Uber X.
No, I'm not. You're an Uber X. No, I'm not.
Get an Uber X.
No, I'm lift.
Oh, you're lift?
Yeah.
Well, we got to get there, Port.
I have to drive you.
Yes.
Where are you headed?
Well, my private plane.
You think you're a sound guy has a private plane.
No, you're the sound guy.
I'm Jesse still.
You're you.
Oh, right now? Right now. Oh, I'm sorry. No, you're the sound guy. I'm Jesse still. You're you. Oh, right now?
Right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I got to say this.
Yeah.
You are going to be working sound on her
on Rolly Pulley live shows.
Yeah.
And I'm going to be the driver.
I'm going to be the local driver.
I know.
That's where we are in five years.
I know.
The team is dismantled.
The carloas has fallen in love. He's moved to Texas. Yeah. He I know. The team is dismantled. Carlos has fallen in love.
He's moved to Texas.
Yeah.
He's opened up a business of bead making.
You're correct.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
McCone by the way,
couldn't get to Minneapolis.
He got to Duluth instead.
Oh, yeah.
Couldn't get all the way back to Minneapolis.
Right, right, right.
And, and the only thing you got wrong,
because all this is right,
because you know, I've seen the future,
yeah, is the fancy part.
What is it?
Did not get to direct one commercial. I know. Not one. I've seen the future. Yeah. Is the fancy part. What is it? Did not get to direct one commercial.
I know.
Not one.
I know.
Close though.
Pretty close.
Pretty close.
They were considered with the ad agency.
And they liked him.
He was in the.
He didn't understand.
He was in the mix.
They didn't understand.
They didn't understand.
Yeah.
What's your vision?
My beijone is to, okay, we can't.
Yeah, you're off.
You're off.
Yeah, yeah.
It does someone with more clear concising.
Um, yeah, so that's it in five, but the next year will still be still here.
Next year will be a great big year for bad friends.
We are finally going to announce our down under tour dates.
We have 10 cities we're playing.
We really appreciate it.
I mean, this we got the numbers and the tickets that we sold this year, the cities that
we played, it was monumental.
It was like one of the best years of my entire life. How many tickets do you sell this year, the cities that we played, it was monumental, it was like one of the best
years of my entire life.
I might take it to our life.
I'll run to 100,000.
100,000 people came to go see us.
Yeah, it's insane.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
We're in bad friend.
We're in bad friend.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo! Woo!
Yeah!
Woo!
Yeah!
Woo!
Yeah!
you