Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 1: Grocery Stores in Cincinnati, OH

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

Welcome to the first official episode of BTSWTW, featuring 1-star reviews of grocery stores in Cincinnati, OH.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo design by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I am Christine Schieffer. And I'm Alex Schieffer and we're siblings and we're on a mission to address pressing societal issues.

Like why did Kevin in Fort Worth want to give his local taco stand a one-star review? And did they deserve it? Each week we'll have a theme like taco stands in Fort Worth and we'll both find our favorite reviews, normally one-star reviews, that fit the theme and then we'll read them with a dramatization element added. And there'll also be a weekly challenge element. One person will give the other a challenge, like finding a review that mentions six cats, and they'll hopefully step up to the challenge and find a good one to read in the next episode. Be sure to listen all the way to the end because that's when we'll first tell each other the theme and the challenge for next week's episode. And since this is our first episode,

we told each other ahead of time. So I chose a challenge and you chose the theme, which is? ahead of time. So I chose a challenge and you chose the theme, which is? This week's theme is grocery stores in Cincinnati, Ohio. And what was the challenge? The challenge is an Amazon review that mentions a big toe. Let's get started. I went with the Cincinnati classic. Cincinnati is where we're both from, where we grew up. We've been to many a Cincinnati grocery storeati grocery store so my pick this week is kroger of course and this is specifically the kroger in quarryville and uh rose had something to say upon purchasing my cream-filled long john donut for 69

what type of donut was that? A Long John donut? Isn't that underwear? Yeah, or Long John silvers. Well. Oh, we'll find out. It's a good start. Upon purchasing my cream-filled Long John donut for 69 cents,

I was very ecstatic to devour it after a long day. But much to my dismay, that need was never satisfied. The donut I purchased had about one-eighth cream into it. Oh, you know when you want one of those long john donuts? No, it was an eighth cream. One-eighth of cream in it. Into it. Into it.

Specifically. Not only that, but for some godforsaken reason... It's harder than I thought. I'm sorry. Not only that, but for some godforsaken reason the cream was inserted through the side of the donut so every other bite was dry and barren of cream but the best part about that is they spelled barren of cream like b-a-r-o-n oh like the royal title so it's the baron of cream we know what's on her mind oh this donut this donut did not meet any of my expectations whatsoever end of review oh my gosh one star um and that is a review of kroger and corbyl so she is reviewing the entire establishment based on a single long john donut i mean to be honest it

was really hard to find a review because i was reading it and everybody was complaining about parking or you know like, like, racist staff. And I was like, this isn't funny. None of this is funny, and probably it's true. But this just really lightened my day. Good. No, I'm glad you found that one. That was good.

And I just looked up what a long John donut is. Oh, really? Please enlighten me. It's just a long donut. Well, that's obviously why they insert the cream on the side, right? I don't know. Look at it. You can put cream in the...

Oh, that looks disgusting. Looks like someone puked gravy on it. It's like Wikipedia images always happen to have the worst one. Wow. Oh, and also known as a maple bar. I've heard of that. Rose, I'm sorry that you had an incredibly disappointing experience. And I wish you and the Baron of Cream all the best in your future endeavors.

Are you up next? Yes, I am next. I don't have the person's name that wrote this review. Let's call them the Baron of Cream. Let's do that. And I don't have one for the other one either. That's all right i didn't write all this down but i did mine uh i decided to look at my favorite grocery store in the world uh jungle gyms international market i mean if you guys have not been there where is that again technically not in cincinnati well close enough fairfield ohio

fairfield i went to the mini golf place near there. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Is that the one with the mountain and you can walk inside of it like a Rugrats episode? Sure. Yeah. We should do reviews on that. Rugrats episodes or mini golf? No, mini golf. Okay. I think both would work for us. Can I give a couple of fun facts of Trader Joe's? Please. For those of you... Because it is amazing. It is special. Not Trader Joe's. I always do that. Too much. Trader Joe's is pretty amazing.

I mean, it is, but it's really not that special. It's not the same. Jungle Gyms. Right. So it has 180,000 items, and 60,000 of those are international items. Yeah, you guys, it's really cool. And then it's over six and a half acres of floor space. What?

What? No wonder I get all my steps in. No, it's crazy. And the largest Walmart in the country, in Albany, New York, is only six acres. So it's bigger than the largest Walmart. The largest Walmart super center. Walmart. Sorry. It's bigger than that, too.

They probably have the biggest Walmart at Jungle Gyms. Right, in their international section. Yeah. I'm really struggling. Where are walnuts from? Brazil. Just kidding. Those are Brazil nuts.

I'm sorry. It's not funny. Delete that. Okay, okay. Time for a review. Okay. The Baron of Cream has this to say about Jungle Gyms. Awful management. deceptive price just started i'm sorry it's not even funny oh it gets good awful management deceptive pricing

my wife fell on water and because of that i have been barred and threatened if I return to the store. Liars and thieves in my opinion. Oh no. Wife cannot walk right ever again. Oh no. And I cannot even buy cat clitter without being threatened. What? What? What is cat clitter?

I think he just added a K to litter. Did he add a K to cat? No. It's just a regular cat. But then it says clitter and i looked it up it's not a thing it is on urban dictionary don't look it up oh oh my god and that's the only reason i read it the way he wrote it because it was i googled it so other people have to too and when she fell all they wanted to know is would this hinder from shopping there really end of review sorry it's so i chose this

review not because a poor woman fell like i don't know what happened there use her name baroness of baroness of cream fell but it was the way he kind of threw this stuff in there do they they don't sell cat litter or clutter that's they're they might jungle gym sells everything yeah but they sell like uh those pocky sticks you don't go there for cat litter that's a good point like german beers and like a thousand different types of soda with gross like flavors yeah they don't i mean you don't know with gross like flavors yeah they don't i mean you don't know there's there's walmart for that or walnut yeah and he said he can't buy it buy it without being threatened as if he's just kind of sneaking around i will say oh i hope they don't see me and he grabs the cat litter and they'll be like it's you there you go hiding behind all that well here's the thing i do find

something about that place threatening and it is those um large animatronics yeah i remember going right after 9-11 i'm sorry i knew you were drinking wine and i should have waited a minute but why would you say that listen because it was important to the story i went to jungle gyms right after 9 11 with mom and um i remember that all the animatronic dolls were like very quiet because and there were like all these half-mast flags around the stage and then all of a sudden they started moving and singing and it there i'm not kidding you guys are like six feet tall like gigantic animatronic what wereatronic creatures like some stupid tune like Chicken Fried

by Zac Brown Band about saluting the ones we love and everything maybe it was something patriotic I'd hope so well I don't know I don't think it was I think it was an automatic timer and it was like really solemn and all the flags were at half mass and then they all kind of like woke up and started jamming out

doodle dandy or something and it was extremely disturbing to my 12 year old self's brain um yeah that's my memory of 9-11 i'm not gonna go into mine let's not go into any of that okay well a little late now this is a comedy podcast it's hilarious anyway yeah um the baron right that happened to him so we should never go again is what you're saying jungle gyms just don't fall in one because you will be threatened i mean it's hard not to fall in one because they are very large and they're very full of mysterious objects and moving animal robots. But I will say we're reading out one-star reviews these places. I do want to add that we have no negative feelings toward any,

like this is mostly us reading reviews to joke about the reviews. This is not about the establishments themselves. And in fact, we encourage you to check out these establishments and give them five-star reviews to negate the one-star reviews um and that's kind of especially the ones that are all because of one single a long john donut yeah right that wasn't up to snuff i mean i personally don't mind the kroger court in quarryville at all so yeah it's a well they just it's brand new did you go there recently no they tore the whole thing down and rebuilt it.

Wait, Corey. Yeah, Corey. Yeah. Well, there you go. So I just came up with a challenge, gave it to Alexander in advance. And then he hopefully, we'll see, lived up to the challenge. And we're going to hear, the challenge this week was an Amazon review that mentions a big toe. And it was very specific.

So I'm very curious to see what happens here yeah it was a journey for me on Amazon I my first thought was stubbed toes so I went in the furniture section wow this is quite a roundabout yeah it was it didn't work I went through a lot of reviews of various items of furniture. And at first I went through pictures and I was like, oh, I'm going to pick the ones that have like are low to the ground. Glass tables. That are really good for stubbing. Yeah.

Yeah. Stuff like that. And then I realized I should just go by the ones that have thousands of reviews. Oh. And just hope someone mentions it. And search for it. Yeah. No, it didn't work.

Oh no. No furniture mentioned big toe. So, what else do you think of when you think of big toes? Those shoes with the feet, the toe. Oh, that's a good one, actually. Toe sockets. Shoes was what I'm going for. Oh, okay.

And I went to the shoe department, and of course, one of the best sellers popped right up. And I said, I knew this was going to be it. Sketchers. Crocs Unisex Classic Clogx classic clog it's better than what i thought yes and we oh oh my god uh we have a review from another man who i forgot his name carl carl this is what carl has to say about his crocs unisex classic clog does it say what what color he got them in? It didn't say. There were so many, though. But he said, great shoes, but man, they are really ugly. Carl! Yeah.

How dare you? Here we go. I have never liked the looks of these butt ugly things, but my podiatrist told me to get a pair because of a foot problem. That podiatrist has a stake in Crocs. There's no way a podiatrist tells you to buy Crocs. I hear they're comfy. I don't know.

They had a lot of good reviews. So were sweatpants, but my doctor's not going to... Okay. They do offer great support and curiousness for my poor broken foot. Curiousness? I know. I didn't know what that meant. It's not even a word.

I don't... Exactly. I don't know what that meant It's not even a word I don't, exactly I don't know what he's going with that I find that when I walk, my heel tends to extend over the inner sides And wants to roll in Oh god This is because I have such a high instep That my foot does not go all the way in I have about an inch of room in front of my big toe

There it is And my heel actually sticks out the back a little perhaps i should have gone with the larger size the construction of these shoes is great and they are comfortable i expect that i will continue to wear these around the house once my foot was has healed because of the support they offer can you imagine this is someone's stepfather and they're just sitting in the den like typing and typing and typing and the teenager just wants to use a computer but carl's really has to write out this review for carl carl i like them as slippers but not for walking any distance end of review what it wasn't that thrilling no but i mean i feel like i just love how he opened it up i give you a challenge and

you bring me Crocs. And I know that was like, it is the best possible way that you could have gone with that. Most of what excited me was just picturing Carl and his Crocs. And I thought that would be great for the listeners to be able to imagine. Are you guys imagining it? We're pausing for that moment of silence. He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. Are you sure?

No. Okay, so we're going to tell you where to find us, but stay tuned because afterwards we're going to reveal our next week's challenge and next week's theme, which we have not told each other yet. So very excited and scared. Tell the people what's going on. You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Beach to Sandy on Facebook at Beach to Sandy water to wet.

Our website is beach to sandy.com. And for now you can listen to us on Apple podcast, Spotify, Stitcher, anywhere you listen to podcasts. And if you like what you hear, uh, you can do your part and much like the Baron of cream, you can leave us part. And much like the Baron of Cream, you can leave us

a review. But unlike the Baron of Cream, you can hopefully give us five stars, not one. The best way to do that is to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, on iTunes. That really, really helps us. And if you have negative things to say, just send it to our email. No, just be quiet. Hey, no, no, no. Yes. just send it to our email. No just be quiet. Hey no no no. Yes. Send them to our email beach2sandy at gmail.com and I will read them. Okay but also if you have nice things to say you can send them there too. Yeah I will need those. I really can't handle just the negativity. So feel free to email

us, tweet at us, Instagram, find us on the gram. Oh, yeah. Send a slide into our DMs. Do it. Do it. And thank you so much for listening. And this is just episode one. And special surprise, episodes two and three are out now. It's magic. I don't know how we did it.

Oh, my God. How did we do three at once? I don't think that's normally possible in the podcasting world. But that's what we deliver on this show. Yeah, we do. The impossible. Except this is the only time we'll have three in one week. Well, shh.

So don't. Don't get used to it and as always as we say on this show uh be be a star or we're trying to play these out be a star want five star or bust yeah that's what i always say we need an outro this isn't working I think we'll find one naturally. Let's hope. All right. Bye, guys. Hey, everyone.