Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 12: Liquor Stores in Louisville, KY

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

In this week's episode, the gang announces their next venture (unfortunately it's not a liquor store in Louisville, KY). Please wish us luck on our imminent future as born again Belgians, and please enjoy this episode responsibly. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, plasterbrain and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach, Juice, Sandy, Water, Too Wet, the podcast where we read reviews. We read reviews. We read the worst. We read the worst reviews in the most erratic fashion.

I think. Oh my gosh. Last week you said, I'll do it right next time i'm pretty sure you literally told everyone that you would do it right this week i did i think i don't know that was a mess welcome i'm christine i'm alex welcome everyone we are gonna do a show now yes we are uh going to read you some reviews this week's challenge, this week's theme, or you do the theme? I don't know. Just tell the people what's going on.

Okay, this week's theme was liquor stores in Louisville, Kentucky. Yeah, and I gave you the challenge of finding a review of a toothpaste where an adult swallowed said toothpaste. Okay, great. Yeah. And we are going to get into all that. But first, we have a very big special announcement. We were going to announce this anyway, and then we saw a comment on one of our Instagram posts.

Oh, yeah. Someone's psychic. Someone's psychic. And before we reveal the specific announcement, I'm going to read that comment first. Yeah, so where is Jessica 11 commented on our Friday Monty post? And the post reads, the comment reads, garlic fries, garlic fries, garlic fries. I feel like it isn't realistic, but I really wish you and Alex could visit some of these places that you read reviews from and experience them for yourself and give your own personal feedback. Nothing too in-depth, just for fun.

It would be hilarious. And hilarious it is. Jessica, you spoiled everything. That's crazy, right? It's weird timing, yeah. That is weird timing. Like hours before we announced it. Yeah.

Before we announced it. Yeah. So. We're starting a YouTube channel where we will be visiting some of the places we've discussed on the show. And reviewing them for ourselves to see if the reviews stand up to their claims. Yeah. It's like a vlog style. Lots of fun. And we actually already recorded one video.

Oh, yeah. Over Christmas holiday. And we've just been waiting to announce it and jessica jumped the gun here yeah and just told everyone about it spoiled it but actually thank you jessica for that because that validates us it does i guess someone at least jessica will watch it that's good yep one one view a week yeah on our vlog yeah i'm gonna say that a lot um so have we released that video yet or no? No, we have not. Okay.

It's very funny. I mean, I guess I'm biased. Yeah. Well, it's... Yeah, you are biased. Yeah. But yeah, it is funny. I'm not biased.

No, no, no. You're a third party. Cool. So that is something to look out for. We will announce that on social media, obviously and uh in future episodes and by this point our youtube channel will exist right so please follow us at beach to sandy i didn't think about that should be youtube.com slash beach to sandy okay so subscribe to our channel rate review subscribe comment down below we are not youtubers but we're gonna have some fun with this

we are now anyway yeah we're excited it have some fun with this. We are now. Anyway, yeah, we're excited. It's just kind of goofy and fun and something different for us to do. Exactly. Yep, lots of fun. So check that out. Cool. Let's get into it, huh? Yeah, let's go.

So liquor, liquor stores. Liquor, liquor stores. I had fun with this one. Me too. Oh, good. So I got a couple here. So the first review I found is from a place called Liquor World, which is, I think, pretty on the nose, but we'll give it to them.

This is a review by Doug. It is a one-star review. This was my go-to beer shop. That was until last week. Oh, no. End of review. What? Oh, my God.

I was all ready. I was, like, rearing to go. What does Doug have to say? That was it? Yep. Leave the rest leave the rest of the imagination we need we need some sort of detect private detective here to get into this and figure out what happened well maybe that's gonna be our next youtube video true i can go find doug yeah go to louisville and check out liquor world oh my god

you don't have to ask me twice i already i can picture the netflix special uh so that's doug thanks doug thanks doug is it sad that that's one of the better reviews we've we've read it's so bad but it was one of the better ones because it wasn't cruel and just why i don't know why okay so the next one i have uh is a little bit longer and like a couple words longer like many words okay this is from nick uh it is a review of expressway liquors one star this place is a joke i attempted to buy liquor here at an hour at which they were apparently closed but the open sign was lit and

on in the front and side windows. Either the staff is too incompetent to turn off a sign, or they intentionally want to deceive their customers. One or the other. Either way, they are absolutely unqualified to operate in the customer service industry, and it is surprising that they are even able to run a solvent business with their apparent lack of consideration for What? Could you imagine living your life like Nick and being so perfect? This is the most perfect human I've ever heard from. I wish these business owners great luck in their imminent future in the mental asylum. And or prison. One more sentence.

Clearly, humans as dysfunctional as these will not be able to survive for a very long time in modern civilized society. End of review. Nick is one of my least favorite people. It's literally because they left a sign, a light, an open sign. We, no. Do not be intentionally misleading. Two signs, front and side. In capital letters. Yeah. It's like, like, you know what those open signs meant to him? That they were a harbinger of extinction rapidly approaching. Right. The dinosaurs. Wow. Yeah.

I mean, he really just devolved into chaos there with their abundance of ineptitude. I feel like maybe he had a thesaurus app open. Yeah, seriously. Or was studying for the SAT. I'm not sure. Liquor store studying for the SAT. Yep. Checks out.

I did click on his profile and every single review is a one-star review. No. Every single one. Okay, I acted surprised, but come on. Yeah. If you write a review like that, you're just so cynical. There's other problems. Yeah, there are.

And they're probably with you, sir. And it's probably good that they couldn't gain access to that liquor store. That's right. They probably did see him and they're like, not Nick again. Lock the fucking doors. Okay. I have another one. Okay.

Now this one, I kind of like derailed here, much like our friend Nick. And I found this place because it was in Recommended on Yelp, and I was in a black hole. Nope, a rabbit hole. Well, we'll see what this review is. It might also be a black hole. Okay, you can tell me afterward. So, this is a place called Angel's Envy, which is a distillery with a tasting room that also sells bourbon. That counts.

Okay, great. I mean, technically, it's a store with liquor, so. Yeah. Okay, so Michael gave Angel's Envy one star. Rarely give one star. But here's why. Drove from Michigan to finish the Bourbon Trail for our 10-year wedding anniversary. So after the one hour and 20- minute drive, we get there so excited.

I tell them our story and can we have a tasting? Their story that they drove from Michigan? It's the bourbon anniversary. Oh, sorry. 10-year bourbon anniversary. For our 10-year wedding anniversary. We get there so excited. I tell them our story and can we have a tasting?

They said no. All tours are full and so are our tastings. We were both so bummed I think I had a tear. All I wanted was a sip before I paid $70 to $90 for a bottle. The girl looked down and said to me, not today. First of all, I saw a photo. I that i love i saw a photo of this man and he's quite tall so if he's presenting it as she's looking down at me he means it metaphorically okay the girl looked down and said to me not today so I went and used their bathroom really good. Oh!

By the way, like, every other word's misspelled, but that's, the sentiment was there. Oh my gosh. I can't. I can't. Okay. Get it together, Christina. Wait, that's not it? Oh no, there's more. Oh, thank goodness.

Before we headed home, she didn't even say, have a safe drive or anything. You just fucked up their bathroom, you asshole. Worst part is now I'll never have a taste ever from such a pretty bottle. Angel Envy may as well be devil spit. Oh. Angel Envy may as well be devil spit to my wife and I. Shouldn't be part of the bourbon trail anyways. Sorry you guys suck.

End of review. Michael, what is wrong with these people? I mean, they're reviewing alcohol establishments. That's true. Okay, that's fair. Negatively. So they probably have been, that's fair. Negatively. So they probably have been drinking alcohol and then writing these reviews. Right.

Drinking bourbon. Bourbon, specifically. But, like, those tours and stuff, it's not like you just, like, make a reservation. Call ahead. Oh, yeah. Every single one was like, oh, we showed up and they said they were booked. One star. It's like, well.

That's such bullshit. That's not how the world works, friend. I think this might be the first cliche of this kind we've had. I'm not sure. Rarely give one star. Like, I never get. Oh, yeah. That's a good cliche.

I never write reviews like this. I never give one star. I'm not one to, yeah. I'm not one to write a Yelp review even though i'm an elite 2019 badge member yeah gosh like if you really feel that way just don't just please don't spare us all spare us um okay last one uh this is now i really devolved this is more of a grocery store but they do sell liquor no i looked at some of those places so because they have like an extensive liquor collection okay so david left a one-star review of lucky's market one word way overpriced let me start over. One word. Way overpriced.

Sorry, that was two words, but I had to accentuate the second word. It makes no sense to pay $5 for a gallon of milk when I can get it at Kroger for $2.49. Plus, this store is small, and the smaller a store is, the less selection there is, and since I'm picky, I need tons of choices and competition among different brands. This is still part of the one word, I think. Oh, yes. I don't think this store will be in business within the next two years. And with all the other competition in town, there is no reason to shop here. I'll be back when fat rabbits fly. Wow.

They just invented their own cliche there. So I guess it is a rabbit hole is where I fell. Yes, a new idiom from David. Thank you, David. Wow. That really just, I had to keep it. So first they were being one of those people that they're like, well, I can get this for cheaper over there.

Then it's like, then why don't you go there? Right. And then they were trying to tell them how to do business and say they need more choices. Well, no, this person said, David said he needs more choices. Yeah. So, they. Oh, yes. Yeah.

So, they don't offer him enough choices. In competition. Yeah. Which is stupid. He likes to see brands battle it out. Yeah. But did you know that's why Trader Joe's is so successful? Really?

Is because, I mean, they're like the number one, at least in terms of customer satisfaction. Because it's all just easy pickings. If you look at the number of products they have for like olive oils compared to like a chain, like Kroger or something, they have so few choices. That's true. Your anxiety must be like so much less picking out pasta or whatever. And that's why you spend more. Intriguing. Because you go through this. I mean, there are multiple reasons for that. But yeah, it's, what is it called? Some guy coined it like the paradox of choice or something. Look that up

if you feel like it. I think that's a real actual thing. I don't think a guy just coined it. Well, a guy did coin it. I forget his name, so I just called him a guy. I see. But it's a very real phenomenon yes okay great well then this guy david probably fucking hates trader joe's and i should probably check his yelp profile oh gosh i i giving a trader joe's one star i feel like that would be tough there's a lot of those too but they're so like i've never had a bad experience where they said oh the pet food is too close to the um the bathroom okay yeah so it's the ridiculous stuff and they said they would never go to a store in kentucky again because of that i went there today i'm serious i went to a trader

joe's today and literally it crossed my mind i'm like you would have to do a lot to me, like at a Trader Joe's, for me to give it one star. Because it's like the best store. Yeah. The only other one star I saw when I glanced, when I perused, was that person giving samples got like real nasty with someone. Oh, uh-oh. Yeah. But otherwise. Like very, okay, yeah.

But that one I think was warranted. So, okay. Wow, that was overwhelming. Sorry.ed so okay uh wow that was overwhelming sorry well yeah so talk about going down a rabbit hole we just went down another a fat rabbit hole based on your rabbit hole a fat flying rabbit hole let's just quit while we're ahead behind sorry definitely behind okay so you're up now all right i have a few too um first one is of taste fine wine and bourbons by alexis okay one star entered this shop to buy some bourbon and was yelled at by the clerk quote you must out of your ever loving mind you're a fool you must be from out of town end quote don't need this kind of treatment when you are a paying customer about to drop some coin end of review what what the fuck no context whatsoever

and the manager also responded was like excuse me what? Can you give some more details? Please tell me what the hell happened. The manager is like, I'm very confused. Yeah, they're like, well, treatment like that is not normally warranted, but please tell me why this happened, because we have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, because something had to have happened. I feel like there's a big chunk missing. Ever flipping mind. You must be from out of town with all that coin you got.

Holy shit. Well, thank you, Alexis. Thank you for that garbage. Oh, sorry. It's time for me to check if I'm lucid dreaming. Are you? Let's find out. Nah.

Okay. Unfortunately, I'm still here. Phew. The next is Liquor World at Camelot. Written by Patty. Okay. Also one star. Let's put this place out of business.

Dirty. No customer service. Are they a retail liquor store or thieves? Like how it starts with the rallying like, nobody's going to respond to. And, like you said, no one responded to it. Fantastic. Spent half a day looking for the Maker Mark Justify bottle for a Christmas present. Half a day.

Just pointing that out. I don't know if it's, like, half of daylight or, like, literally 12 hours, but... It's definitely 12 hours. 12 hours? Yeah. A long time. Spent half a day looking for the MakerMark Justify bottle for a Christmas present. Retails for $59.95.

Called and was told they had two bottles. When I went to buy one, it rings up for $159.95. When I questioned him about the price and that I'm not paying over retail, he was rude and said, good luck. I'll need luck with thieves like him running liquor stores.

End of review. These people are so angry. It's like over retail. It's like when, because it was for a Christmas gift, it's like when they upmark the last Barbie doll or whatever. The unicorn princess from the office and they just

yeah they're going for 400 i think that's precisely what happened here what is it like my horn pierces the sky yeah um my horn can pierce the sky there it is um yeah so that was patty's review thank you patty and now i have one from oscar of bowman Field Liquors. And Oscar's profile picture is of Oscar the Grouch. Oh, I was hoping Oscar from The Office. No. No, it's like that is full circle. And this is one star. So he's probably a fucking...

Grouch, yes. He lives up to his profile. One star due to the overpriced bourbon. Definite price gouging on select brands. Okay with making a profit, but two to five times retail is overboard hate to see this place do that as they used to be better than most new owners hiking prices the sign says bourbon lovers welcome when it should read bourbon lovers beware shame on you guys end of review bourbon lovers beware also the number of people that try to like

rewrite like that's that's literally why i chose it because i love those reviews they're so good like uh i had one angel envy may as well be devil's bit that's a little more clever a lot of a lot more clever but not still not clever at all yeah i don't know about that but there was one good one too that one you had in that one episode that's why i did it was because um there was a good one i thought you'd like it and now i don't even remember that one but it was funny uh yeah it was like it was like a dentist or something i don't remember i don't either um cool it was like something about kids yeah like the kids dentist oh okay we're not going anywhere with this um and i have a one redemption okay oh good yeah i have one redemption we like a we like a good

redemption yeah this is a louisville beer store okay by christopher okay and it starts with the musical number make my wish come true no i don't like this all i want for christmas is booze thank you that's not for you that's for christopher if i could start over in life and if god forbid trump becomes president oh 2015 you okay out there, Christopher? Do you need to talk? Well,

he has a liquor store to go to. Uh, if I could start over in life and if God forbid Trump becomes president, I would be a born again Belgian. They have the best chocolate, the best location in Europe and the best beer. Best location in Europe. It's very central, to be fair.

Okay, I was like, do they mean geographically? I think so. I guess. Climate-wise, it's pretty much all the same. Perhaps. I mean, I think I'd argue southern France. Oh, yes. Okay.

Something like that. The Louisville Beer Store is where I go to get my Belgian beers that are a little bit fancier than Stella Artois. Oh, for God's sake. Which is fine most of the time, but every once in a while, you need something special. A little splurge. There are 52 holidays and observances in December.

That's a lot of suds. Wait, what? Is he on... I think he's talking about in Belgium? I don't know. Is he huffing paint? I don't know what's going on. I don't know either. The huffing paint? I don't know what's going on. I don't know either.

The staff at the Louisville Beer Store is knowledgeable, helpful, and doesn't bat an eye when what you ask them to help you find is right in front of your nose. They're also helpful in finding you an alternative to what you came for if they don't have it. This saves me a drive to Cincinnati. Also, they're not snobby about beer. They're knowledgeable. I know Louisville has a lot of great beer and other places have tried to push me towards those. I'm not interested in meddling in the Hops Olympics, but I appreciate the effort. I want a beer, not a medal.

Is this person alright? I don't know. I'm worried about you, Chris. Especially now that Trump's president. Yeah, I think things maybe went downhill. They have a bar where you can try stuff, but I'm bad at conversations, so I haven't attempted it yet. Buddy! If you're looking for people who will help you find a great beer, these are your guys.

End of review. I did like that a lot. Christopher. Christopher is great. Are you okay? I like him. Yeah. Thank you, Christopher.

I'm worried, though. No, no. It'll be okay. He seems like he was maybe at some sort of breaking point. I don't know where he was going to end up on the other side. Hopefully, he ended up in Belgium. It has famously the best location in Europe. Yes, yeah.

And the best chocolate. Cheers to Christopher. Cheers. I'll just cheers my Poke Bowl. That was beautiful. Oh, my. I just like a born-again Belgian. I think that's the first time that's ever been used.

Yes. Born-again Belgian. I would think's the first time that's ever been used. Yes. Born-again Belgian. I would think. I wonder if he is now. See, that's someone that's actually kind of clever, like they, in a way. Yeah. I don't know. I wonder if he's now really truly a born-again Belgian. I really hope so. I do too. Okay. Thank you, Christopher. Thank you, Christopher. Now I want to hear what you have for your challenge. So you gave me a challenge to find a review of toothpaste in which an adult swallowed said toothpaste. Yes. This review is from Amazon. It is a review of Crest 3D White Whitening Toothpaste Radiant Mint Twin Pack.

The Twin Pack, yeah. Ryan G gave it five stars this stuff tastes really good i swallow it sometimes that's it at least at least ryan's honest he's not okay either i'm worried about i'm worried about these guys i'm worried about anyone who reads that and is like you know what i could use a toothpaste that i swallow well there are some there i mean i found a lot of like very organic toothpaste where it says like okay to swallow where some people were saying well i mean i almost picked another one but it was like learned about this from a paleo blogger it's a toothpaste you can swallow i was like what the

fuck but why would you want to because it said i mean you would i wouldn't but it said in the thing like uh after you brush you can swallow for added nutrients and i'm like that's not how anything works my friends maybe all those things stuck in between your teeth so you don't lose out on everybody was like so i'm also swallowing like all my plaque and i'm like this is gonna make me vomit truly i mean i understand if it's marketed towards children and it's like yeah like safe for children to like swallow just in case like it's safe yeah but there's no fluoride and stuff but this one was outright fucking chemical ass whitening crust toothpaste from fucking procter and gamble and

this guy's like it tastes good i swallow it it just beyond me just like a golden just sitting there for me to take so thank you ryan thank you ryan and also i hope you're okay yes we both do um cool so that i know it was a short right exactly what we were looking for it was like probably the most spot on one challenge we've had so far absolutely right on the nose cool so i guess we're gonna give our spiel and then we have a review from a listener and we're gonna reveal our challenge and theme yes we do next week okay great you can find us on instagram and twitter at beach to sandy on facebook at beach to sandy water too wet our website is beach to sandy.com.

And our email is beach to sandy at gmail.com. You can also support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash beach to Sandy. And now you can subscribe to our YouTube at youtube.com slash. Also, thank you to everybody who's signed up on Patreon. Like we haven't really said that, but seriously, we're so fucking pumped.

It's incredible. It is incredible. It's incredible. I went on there today and went what the hell like it blew my mind how many of you are supporting us so thank you it is mind-blowing and um as well a special treat recently is you found out about the youtube news before anyone else that's true um we to anyone 15 and up we anyone who's at least the age of 15. For any teens out there. Oh, gosh. Ew. Okay.

Anyone $15 or up, you're getting our episodes early. And that will also apply to our YouTube videos, too. Yes. Oh, yeah. Once our YouTube videos are edited, you will get that and get access to that before anyone else. So, yeah. Thank you, everyone everyone for your support.

And also, please email us any suggestions you have for our monthly episode. We had our first listener episode that came out. We came up with the title, and by we, I mean Alex Zinner. Thank you. And the title is... Between You and Us. Get it? Get it? Like, between you and me? Between you and us get it get it like between you and me between you and me um between

you and us so that is the title of our next our new listener as stories every month and by stories i mean people who submit people's submissions of reviews yes yes and um we hope you enjoyed that one uh let us know any i don't, anything you want to say about it. And if you have any reviews you want to share. Yeah. And that one was all about one topic. But next time we're just going to do all sorts of reviews. Hodgepodge.

Like we said. Yes. So anyway, thank you so much for all your support. And now let's hear from one of you. Okay. This is a review, five star review by Osama's Baby Llama. Oh, for God's sakes. Okay.

That took me by surprise. Title is, have you heard the opening song? I'm not quite sure what the sorcery is with this opening song, but I have to love this podcast simply because of the groovy opener. I've been dying to know who the artist is. It brings me so much happiness. Sad? Listen to the opening song. Happy? Listen to the opener. I dare you to give a one star on this after hearing the opener. Good day to you all. That makes me happy, right? Just so you guys know, it's in our show notes, I believe, but the song is by Mavis White.

Yes. He has a SoundCloud, I think. Yeah,'s uh soundcloud.com slash mavis white you can see that in the show notes his name um so that's really sweet we love our song and we're super proud of it so thanks guys absolutely and it for the record it was written just for us like i had we had a commission by mavis we're much like michelangelo we makes it sound a lot fancier but we did really appreciate the work that yeah they did a great job yeah you really did also if you're on patreon you get the mp3 download of the song true for a ringtone or something like that which by the way it's my ringtone now i didn't tell you that but yeah it's my ringtone still the astonishing

legend theme song maybe i'll change it we'll see yeah we'll see which one you like more we'll see anyway i'm going to give you a new theme fantastic for next week your theme was actually a suggestion by a listener okay it was submitted by jess okay comic book shops in new york city new york okay that's fine right i thought so i was like i bet there's gonna be a lot of ones i mean new york obviously has a lot of everything but a lot of hipster shit yeah brooklyn brooklyn baby wow you are hip i was i was there five days ago so yeah i am fucking hip back to it okay which comic book shops did you go to? All of them. Wow. On 3rd Street, on the Brooklyn Bridge. Wow. I'm just in awe at your knowledge of New York.

I was on a lot of bridges and I kept saying, oh my God, it's the Brooklyn Bridge. And people were like, it's not. That's not the Brooklyn Bridge. We're in New Jersey. Nope. So, who knows where I am? I don't even know where I am right now. So, I have a... You're lucid dreaming. Probably I am? I don't even know where I am right now. So, I have a...

You're lucid dreaming. Probably I am. Probably. It would explain a lot. I have a challenge for you. And this, I stole your tactic and I asked your girlfriend for one. Oh, gosh. Was she mad at me at the time?

Because I'm nervous. It does depend on her mood. Yes. No, we were just sitting there and I was like, I'd spent an hour trying to come up with something clever. And then I asked her and she went, hmm, I'll have to think about it. Oh, how about this? I was like, how do you do this?

She has like a different brain, a Rain Man brain. She's just good at challenging people. I guess so. Like giving them cruel challenges. Making people work hard. people. I guess so. By giving them cruel challenges. Making people work hard. Okay, so your challenge is a review of a bar where someone's virgin drink wasn't virgin. Oh! And then she said to me, we're hoping it's a kid, right?

Kind of. No comment. My son was totally trashed! And I think, I would hope at that point the son's like 19 or 20 and he's like totally trashed teens oh teens it doesn't have to be teens out there it doesn't have to be a bar by the way it could be a restaurant okay yeah virgin drink wasn't virgin i love that okay that's a really good suggestion i know ally came up with it i can't even claim it as my own so that's your challenge. Great.

I'm super pumped. Once you finish chewing that... Tuna? Tuna. Ahi tuna. Let's say goodbye to everyone. This isn't some canned shit. Oh, wow.

A poke bowl. Did you get that in Brooklyn? On the bridge. Okay, let's... Okay. I need to go home now. Goodbye, everyone. Thank you so much for listening.

Goodbye. See you next week. See you next week. See you next week.