Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO

Episode Date: December 12, 2018

Episode two is here! We cover 1-star reviews of hotels in Kansas City, MO.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo design by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Beach 2 Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. And I'm Alex. And this week's theme is hotels in Kansas City, Missouri.

Or Missouri, as the locals say. And us. We're not locals. And me, after a gin and tonic. So we're going to read our reviews and then afterward, we're going to see if I was able to step up to Alexander's challenge from last week. So stay tuned. All right. So I'm excited to see what you came up with. We'll see. We'll see if it's any good. I had a tough time with this one. it's any good. I had a tough time with this one. But I did find a doozy. This is a review of the Elms Hotel and Spa in Kansas City, Missouri. Was it like a nice place? Or is this like a rundown? I believe it's quite a nice location. And we do want to stress again that this is not

we have no feelings for or against any of of these locations this is just some fun stuff we find on the internet and we're just rebroadcasting it let's put it that way this is a one-star review from annette went there for our 25th anniversary as we were heading to the front desk i noticed a plate of uncovered strawberries sitting on the floor. By the way, really quick. On the floor? Really quick interjection. Every time I say strawberries, take a drink because you're going to have a really riot of an evening if you do so. Uh-oh. Ask about the room.

They're at capacity, but gave us a breakfast coupon. He also explained that someone was on their way up to our room with our anniversary package. Okay. Head to the room. Strawberries are still on the floor. Pout in my room for about 45 minutes. Oh, wait. Okay.

Hold on. I need to figure this out. So it took me a while to figure out. So they walk into the lobby and there are strawberries on the floor. They walk into their room. So they're walking toward their room and they find strawberries a plate of strawberries outside of someone else's room oh and then they go inside their room and find no no strawberries in their room am i mishearing i okay i'm we're heading to the front desk i assume from their hotel room they notice a plate of uncovered strawberries on the floor in the hallway.

So then the person at, then they're there for their anniversary, you know? Yeah. So then the person at the front desk says, oh, someone's going to come up with your like anniversary special surprise soon. Right. So she's like, oh, they got strawberries. So she's like, I better get strawberries. Yeah, where are my strawberries?

It's the 25th. That's a strawberry anniversary. Yes. Famously so. So she p like, I better get strawberries. Yeah, where are my strawberries? It's the 25th. That's the strawberry anniversary. Yes. Famously so. So she pouts, okay? Pout in my room for about 45 minutes and decide to hit the pool. Head down to the pool. Strawberries haven't moved.

My nose starts bleeding. And I have my husband grab a pool towel as i didn't want to drip in the pool so so kind go to the front desk give them my towel letting them know i'd used it on my bloody nose they gave it to the clerk at the front what are they supposed to do i don't know that didn't even turn into an issue. I thought that was going to be... Yeah. That just was part of the routine. They just carried it through the lobby.

And here's my bloody towel. Yep. My nose was bleeding. While there, I asked if we were supposed to get strawberries with our package, as they hadn't brought any up with them. He said he thought there was a mix-up, but he talked to the manager. On the way back to the room, the strawberries were still there. This time, there was a piece of paper with them. So I decided to see what the paper said. Uh-oh. So she reads this note, okay.

Oh my gosh And get dressed up for dinner As we pass, the strawberries are still sitting there I stop by the desk to see what he found out He apologized and said he would personally take them to our room At the time I let him know about the strawberries He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us. Okay, this is going very differently than what I expected. I thought it was going to be some sort of allergy thing where she's like, oh no, there's open strawberries, I'm allergic.

Bloody nose made me like, oh, maybe she's like realizing she's allergic. The bloody nose has nothing to do with anything. That never comes back. I'm going to learn. But right now I'm going into these thinking that they're sensical. And I don't know why. That you're going to understand the plot. Yeah.

No, there's no plot. Oh, good. He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us. I said, no, I'm telling you because that's disgusting. What? And if they were mine, I'd be pissed because they were uncovered on the floor which i mean to be fair yeah that's pretty i mean i don't know the timeline but this seems like a long time that they've been sitting there she's pouted for 45 minutes in the room oh yeah that's

right there she gave us a timeline he said maybe the people didn't want them i told him about the note i read oh no and he said they were training a new person and he must have not understood where their strawberries were supposed to go. I told him that we were going out and to put our strawberries on our desk. We came back later to find them covered on the desk. The strawberries were very good. That's the end of the review. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was that a one-star review?

Yeah. Are you kidding me? I mean, they dealt with her bloody towel. They put covered strawberries on the desk. I don't know what the complaint is, but apparently Annette did not have a great time. Like, literally everything she wanted happened. I mean, I... I think she was jealous of the neighbors.

My goodness. Okay. That's makes... A lot of neighbors. My goodness. Okay. That makes... A lot of sense. Yeah, I know. Wow, that was a long one. Sorry, but... That was a good one.

You killed so many people saying strawberries so many times. I did. Alcohol poisoning runs rampant. Oh, yeah. Anyway, what do you have for me here? All right. Well, I kind of went a similar route, not with the strawberries, but with a place that was kind of nice because I read some reviews of not so nice places that had mostly one star reviews. And I was like, yeah, I would give them one star, too.

Yeah, it's not pretty. Hotel reviews on Yelp are not pretty, guys. No, that was that was I know many, many hotels in Kansas City to avoid. Well, I found a review of the Embassy Suites in Kansas City. Okay. From Sammy. All right, Sammy. Who was very disappointed.

Oh, no, Sammy. Was very disappointed in the staff at the J Bar restaurant. We thought we would be going to an upscale restaurant slash bar. Especially since the location is in an upscale area and it is an embassy suite. It is. However,

the staff all have tattoos Oh no! All over their arms. And one of the waitresses had nose, eyes, and facial piercings she has eye piercings all over her she had eye piercings those nose eyes and facial piercings were all over her body yeah she just put them willy-nilly she was a van gogh painting oh yeah was very disappointed was hoping for the class of an embassy but got the staff of a low-class bar.

What is wrong with people? They just opened and we were so excited to frequent the J-Bar as we live close by. But we'll rethink. I hope they really think hard about who they hire. Probably won't be back anytime soon. Sammy? End of review. You will be missed yeah i know right those staff they're like seems like he was a great customer to have that woman was like he just kept staring at me and wouldn't say anything he was on his on yelp on his phone just like writing and

counting my piercings this is the kind of guy that writes a review as he's sitting there being uncomfortable because somebody has happens to have piercings. And then tip $0. Well, I actually have a little bonus to that. Thank God. It was a response from the general manager. Yes! What? So they did a few paragraphs.

I thought it was going to be a response from the woman with eye tattoos, eye piercings all over her body, but this is second best. Yes, so they respond with a few paragraphs, but I'm just going to read the middle one. Okay. We encourage our servers to express themselves in the way they dress and their interactions with our guests. Hell yeah. We focus intently on a high level of service and allow our wait staff to impress our guests more with their service level and food quality. While the staff dress and appearance was an adjustment for me, I am old school. I have found that the energy level and enthusiasm that our staff has brought to the

concept is exhilarating. Oh, I know. I like that. I thought he was going to say exemplary and then he said exhilarating. No, he's exhilarated. He's like, whoa, I've never seen that many piercings. He's going through a midlife crisis. Yeah. I mean, I've only been to Kansas City once, but you know, hey, maybe he hasn't seen that many piercings in his life. Wow. And we're a little spoiled. We get to see him all the time here in LA. That's right. Eye piercings all over the place. Truly. Oh, yeah. Every part of the body. And we embrace it.

Yeah. Eye piercings in the belly button. Eye piercings on the arms. All over the place, truly. Oh, yeah. Every part of the body. And we embrace it. Yeah, eye piercings in the belly button, eye piercings on the arms, all over. Well, that was beautiful. And also, I feel vindicated on behalf of that waitstaff, you know? Yeah. No, I thought that was nice. And then they did give a little bit of an apology that they were uncomfortable. But at the end, I think the general manager said something like, we hope that you change your views. Yeah, we hope you don't come back, but change your views.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. Should we tell them about the time we went to that steakhouse? Was it in Kansas City or where was it? It might have been. It was either Kansas City or like Omaha. Or somewhere in Kansas. I don't think it was in Missouri.

I think it was in Kansas. We went to a steakhouse on a road trip and I was like, well, I'm in leggings. I should change out. We're going to this nice steakhouse that was on TV Food Maps, which is a cool website if you haven't checked it out. And I... Was it like on... Yeah, because it was on... What show was it on?

It was on... Diner's... No. I don't think so. That's wrong. Guy Fieri. I mean... Fieri had nothing to do with it.

I love me some good guy. Yeah. Fieri. Fieri. I'm not doing that. I don't think he does that either no i think that's just become a weird meme oh a vocal meme um you know those so we went to a steakhouse i don't remember what show it had been on but we went to the steakhouse and i was like well i'm in leggings i should change so i put on like some nice clothes and we walk in the first

thing i see is a family wearing uh mickey mouse paj No, Minnie Mouse. Sorry, you're right. Flannel Minnie Mouse pajamas. And then our server, I mean, they were perfectly nice. But the server says, Oh, I'll go get your bread basket. And she sets down a basket full of saltine crackers on the table. And we thought, did we misunderstand? And boy, boy, was that a culture shock? Yeah, we were from Ohio and even we were shocked. Yeah, that's right. But the food was pretty delicious. It was good.

But the bread bowl is made of crackers. So if you go there, be warned. Yeah. Sammy, please avoid that place. You will not like it. He'll probably feel right at home in his pajama bottoms. I guess so. Very wholesome, you know?

Yeah. Piercing is too much. But yeah, he's probably a, yeah. A Disney fan? Yeah. All right. So let's move on to my challenge yes i gave you a challenge and that was to find a review of a baseball stadium that mentioned a football team when i thought when i was thinking about this i was like this seems like something that she wouldn't care about at all and wouldn't really know it felt like a challenge i like sports i know you know i know you're we're big bangles it was a challenge i will tell you

that i feel like that would be a challenge i was kind of actually really pissed at you when i was researching this because i figured yeah it was really fucking hard um and i was on wikipedia looking up like cities that have mlb and nfl teams so i could like google the stadium and then like search the Yelp reviews for the team. It was very complicated. I was hoping you wouldn't take the easy way out and find a stadium that where the team is playing both.

Cause I think that's a thing. Yeah, it is. And I did stumble upon that. That's not what I did though. And also those weren't great anyway. So, so you did try.

I did take the easy way out. I see. Oh, I mean, I always I did take the easy way out. I see. Oh, I mean, I always, I don't know why that's a shock to you, to be honest, but yes, I always try to take the easy way out. Um, unfortunately I could not. So this week I, uh, I discovered my new friend, Monty. Hmm. Yeah.

Monty. Uh, this guy's something about that name. I like it, but at the same time, it sounds like the kind of guy that you don't want to read his reviews of baseball stadiums. Oh, boy, do you? This is Monty's review of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. Now, this is a little twist. It is a five star review. Oh, I did not expect which is which is acceptable we we allow that

in the challenges i'm really glad we didn't like limit ourselves to only one-star reviews because i feel like some of the five stars are even fucking fantastic oh no i was gonna say batshit crazy but i guess we can go yeah i mean for what we do it's fantastic fantastic indeed so this is a five-star review of at&t park home of the san francisco giants disclaimer oh this is already monty oh my gosh they are yeah i was gonna say is he really putting a disclaimer on my disclaimer the giants are my family i love them first of of all, duh. Garlic fries.

Oh, by the way, you should imagine that every other word is all capital letters. First of all, duh. Garlic fries. For the love of God. Okay. Secondly, it's not as cold as frickin' Candlestick. The location is fantastic. The upper levels have beautiful views

of the bay there's not a bad seat in the house splash hits berry freaking bonds the freak can hit shaboygins oh did i say garlic fries what year was this from he needs to see a doctor it's like so many like things in there that that just make me think that it's like at least 20 years old as a review. I have a headache just reading this. Wi-Fi throughout the park. The fans are not Raider loving lookers. No, no siree. Ding, ding, ding.

Raiders. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The Coke bottle slide. It's an SF for Pete's sake. Garlic fries. It's a what?

An FS? It's ins it's in it's in sf i thought it was fs like freaking slide like it's a fs you know a freaking slide man i it's in sf for pete's sake garlic fries garlic fries garlic fries why am I even explaining this to you? Just go. Monty. How do you? Oh, my gosh. Did you have any idea of how old this man is? I clicked on his profile, obviously. Of course. He's probably in his 30s. I'm not kidding. I expected at least 60. Guess what? Every single one of his reviews, he reviewed a taco place, some restaurants, a bank.

They're all five star reviews with a lot of X. Like, I've never seen someone use so many exclamation points. And then there was one one star review. Oh, my gosh. What was it? Home Depot. Of all places. And it said, if you enjoy having to look for something and having no one help you

this is the place for you that's it there was like one other line i mean that seems so not monty i wonder what happened i feel like he might have been having a bad day but if you know if you know monty as well as i do you know that um you know he's a good guy he's uh he has his ups and downs but like mostly he's up up up up way higher than everyone else oh yeah i mean that's good it makes up for those lows when he says that the home deep local home depot wasn't great wasn't up to par you know um i i have a feeling you bookmarked this like his his profile for future episodes because you're ready to use melty again i can tell 100 he had a lot to say and a lot

of it was was fucking fantastic batshit crazy um and you gotta remember the giant sir's family so that's obviously part of it too it shouldn't be i mean oh well okay it should be but it's a disclaimer just take it or leave it that was such an what i don't understand that is that him saying he's biased because he likes the giant so therefore he's automatically giving a five-star reviews review like them he's related to them i'm sorry i'm sorry he loves them so he's biased unconditionally yeah but i feel like the review was about the garlic fries not about the team at all i mean i think that was his attempt at subliminal messaging. Oh. Even though, you know what's weird? He works for like Big Garlic or something.

You know what's weird? I must have been hungry doing this because I just realized that strawberries and garlic fries were repeated at least 15 times each. That's a good point. And none of what we've talked about has had anything to do with food. No. We picked hotels, not even restaurants. No. We picked baseball and not even restaurants. No. We picked baseball and football.

Yeah, I clearly have. Oh, wait. I just realized what my next challenge is. Oh, my goodness. You know what? I don't even know if I want to know. Oh, my God. This is so messed up.

I was clearly not in the right headspace or the best headspace. Who knows? Okay. Do you want to hear your challenge? I think first we should do a little spiel do you do the spiel you can find us on instagram and twitter at beach to sandy on facebook at beach to sandy water too wet our website is beach to sandy.com you can listen to us on apple podcast stitcher google play wherever you listen to podcasts and please rate review and subscribe if you have not yet. That really helps us.

And we're looking for Monty reviews here. Like five star. Full Monty. Full Monty. If you will. Oh, man, that was good. Thank you. I'm really funny.

You know, send us your thoughts, your desires. If you have a request for a certain topic or theme or challenge, let us know. Yeah, let us know where you live and what kind of businesses are in the area that you have opinions about. Your social security number, your address, all the good stuff. Everything, everything that we deserve. Thank you. All right, let's, how about we announce what the theme for next week is and the challenge. Oh, okay, sure.

Do you have the, okay, so who goes first? I'll give you the theme. Sure. Do you have the, okay. So who goes first? I'll give you the theme. Sure. What's the theme? So the theme for next week is car washes in Minneapolis, Minnesota. All right. I'm pumped for that. I think that's, I don't know.

Car washes. No, I feel like that's a good one. Cause I feel like hotels, you get a lot of bed bugs and so it's hard to sift through that. Car washes. You can go all sorts of directions. Oh yeah. Um, okay. You ready for your challenge challenge not i mean after i gave you that one probably not i don't i don't deserve anything fun and good probably good because this is what i have for you

this is um your challenge please find a review of a barbecue joint written by a vegan oh my gosh or how about we narrow it to the barbecue and vegans. And then if it's just so much, like if you just can't find anything, then you can expand it a little bit if you want. No. Okay. Oh, you're going to take the full challenge. Yeah. You know what?

I'm taking the full Monty. Okay, great. All right. All right. Thanks, guys, for listening. Episode three is out. So go check that out. And then we're going to be releasing weekly yeah thanks everyone