Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 234: Reviews of Vacation Bible Schools

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

Description: The hypocrites who produced this episode will be judged by the Lord in full, LOL. Get your live show tickets now! https://www.beachtoosandy.com Follow us on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Buy some stuff! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla.

They can feel it. Fight together. And team it up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, the new empire. Now playing only in theaters. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello!

Hi! Hi! Hey. Hi. What's up? Welcome to episode 234. 234? This is... It's a straight.

It's a what? A straight. It's a straight? Yeah, all those straights at vacation Bible school. It's all right. Oh, yeah, 234. I see, I see. As Dad would say, it's all right oh yeah two three i see i see um as dad would say it's a street actually in that game that he's been shocking it is it is called a street yeah

yesterday m asked me what doppel doppelganger means in german i was like i don't want you to say that word in front of me because it's really triggering because there's a game that has traumatized me um anyway so let's not talk about dice games anymore. This is reviews of dice games. Shit. This is reviews of Vacation Bible School. They're all by my dad, and they're all about how bad I am at understanding the instructions.

No, these are Vacation Bible Schools, otherwise known as VBS. People kept saying, look up VBS. Yeah. I don't know about this world. This was news to me, this whole thing. I feel like people are going to expect that we have some experience with this being constantly referencing our Catholicism. Yeah.

Our Catholic upbringing. From what I saw, I don't think any of these were Catholic. I don't think so. I don't think this is a Catholic thing. I think the Catholics make us do this every single day at school nonstop. We lived it. Like we literally, our vacation, it wasn't a vacation. It was like, oh, it's Wednesday at 11, go to mass and pray. So this is different. If you're still confused, it's understandable. I'm still confused and I had been researching them. Me too. And reading reviews of what i could find which was not much but um the basically it's like week-long usually or something like

it's like a summer day camp type thing where it's not sleep away camp right no not that i found i mean i'm sure they vary i'm sure there's so many different versions of it. But the general thing that I found was it's a place where people can send their kids during the summer. And honestly, it's kind of like daycare. But it's so a lot of times when people are talking about it, we're like, oh, yeah, my mom would send me that there because she had to work. It's like Sunday school, but like all day. Yeah. OK. And so they sing hymns.

They. Oh, no. It's like an indoctrination like what i'm gonna just go out go ahead and just say i would say indoctrination but like wouldn't you already be in this circle if you're attending this so like sometimes sure yeah i think like i would imagine you're already in the inner fold yeah but in this case you're away from your parents and sure you know and i think there were some i i saw some um not so nice things said about you know either the kids a lot of kids said oh yeah that was one of my favorite parts of the summer because i just goofed off with my friends and we didn't take any of it seriously at summer gym class yeah yeah see exactly yeah you just goof off but i think for many it was it could be a very traumatic experience you know going through that just like summer gym was for me for many, it could be a very traumatic experience going through that. Just like summer gym was for me.

I'm getting it now. Yeah. Can I tell you something? This is kind of- Off the record? No. Unfortunately, since we record a podcast, it's very much on the record. I know.

I just say that to make you feel more comfortable. Thank you. No. When I was researching this, I was in Florida with Dee and her family. And I looked over to Dee and I was like, I think this is not... I was like, I think my religious upbringing caused more issues than I realized. Duh. I know.

It was such an obvious thing. And I think that was pretty much her response, but in a much nicer way, believe it or not, when I said that. That's what I'm here for. With love. But no, I legitimately had this moment after reading all this religious shit. Like, I was going through all this stuff. And I'm like, damn.

Like, yeah, there's some stuff that really probably affected the way I live my life without me even realizing it. That's why you're such a good Christian person. Exactly. That's why you're going to heaven. That's why I'm going to heaven. No, I was thinking the other day about how, see, I'm like, oh, this is not relevant

to our Catholic upbringing. And then all of a sudden, that's all we talk about. But I was thinking the other day about how, how when I was little, I used to put my fingers like where the stigmata are because I was told. Okay, I didn't do this. This is too far. I was trying to relate to you.

Like a drill or something? You were just trying to relate to Jesus? So what I learned at Catholic school, which apparently was very important for my education, is that Jesus was not nailed in the hands. No, it would have ripped right through his hands. His tendons. So he was nailed through the wrist. So I think about right through his hands. His tendons. So he was nailed through the wrist. So I think about... Yeah, me too.

Me too. I knew it. I bring that fun fact up anytime I can. All the time. And I feel like most people by now are like, yes, I know that. But yeah, maybe we taught some people that. Maybe.

And aren't you a better person for it, dear listener? You can be annoying to your friends. You can bring up this fun fact. That's's your i just remember in second grade like learning that and just being like staring at my teacher like someone put nails through his wrists it's just like why would you tell a seven-year-old that you know what i mean yeah anyway i totally own about it the next day you're like seven years old that's too old come on to learn when they're younger do you want to go first i will go first um so i'm gonna be honest most of my stuff is from amazon because i couldn't

find any actual like church reviews that mentioned vbs okay um at least not none that weren't just positive and kind of creepy okay um there were a lot of positive There were a lot of positive ones. There were a lot of positive ones, which, and hey, I've read lots of people say, even, you know, grown up as now an atheist said, you know, going to those camps was the best times of my summer. You turned me into an atheist.

No, it probably did, just like Catholic school did to us. Anyway, so here is a review though. This is of a church. What's a camp? It looks like Camp Homewood. This is a review, though. This is of a church.

It's a camp, it looks like. Camp Homewood. And this is a one-star review. Wait, so this is, sorry. This is a book? Wait, this is on Amazon? No, this is a camp. Sorry, no. The first one I have, I said most of them are not.

But this one is of an actual Christian... Camp. Yeah. Here we go. Because the school district takes field trips to Camp Homewood, I assumed that this summer camp would be led by Christians, but not overly religious. That was a very mistaken assumption.

After our child's recent experience there, I feel ripped off because I basically paid a $500 donation to a missionary organization rather than a camp. They say prayers four times a day. Plus, every time they ride a horse, the camp competition involves the kids winning the right to cream pie a camp counselor if they memorize and recite the most number of Bible verses. So confusing. I feel like I read that first sentence wrong. I'm not going to say we edited it out, but I want to revisit it for a moment here.

Okay, sure. They say prayers four times a day plus every time they ride a horse. That's what I thought you said. Okay, I want to make sure because I realized maybe I read it wrong. Every time they ride a horse, they have to say a prayer beforehand. I mean, I do that too. I would say a prayer if I were riding because it's probably my last time in trouble saying anything exactly once i'm up there fair point um it sounds like dear god get me off this horse

yeah right they spent a good part of the morning listening to bible stories and songs they spent a good portion of the afternoon at chapel doing Bible studies and my daughter was repeatedly harassed about her reasons for not being a Christian and not choosing to quote take Jesus into her heart. On at least three occasions she had to defend her choice

to not convert to Christianity at the camp. Oh no. This would all be fine if there was full disclosure about how much of the day is spent doing Bible studies and how much the camp aims to offer children to become Christian while away from their families.

End of review. Yeah, that's troublesome. Yeah. And I'm going to be honest. I don't know if this perfectly fits vacation Bible schools because I still don't understand what those are totally. I think that's right. This seems like a Christian camp. Yeah.

Yeah. Sounds terrible, by the way. It does sound terrible. Let me see. Camp Home that's right. This seems like a Christian camp. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds terrible, by the way. It does sound terrible. Let me see. Camp Homewood. Yeah. Oh, this is in Canada, by the way. Sorry I didn't say that earlier.

But yeah. Oh, man. What a time. That sounds rough. Yeah. And most of the really kind of average reviews. It's, I think, three and a half stars total. That's not great.

But, like, man, I want to hear all the kids' reviews. I hope that kid is okay. That sounds traumatizing. Yeah. Having to defend your... No, it's... And, again, like, you're away from your family. Like, that's when they...

That seems unfair. That's when they strike. Yeah, that seems unfair. Yeah. So, I have a review of a place called Summit Point Church. Sorry. And this... I know. It it's very talk about triggering um and there are a lot of reviews of this place but this is one of 24 that are not currently recommended so they're like hidden from oh nice from view nice this is a one-star review by Kathleen.

Pastor or youth group leader telling teens they won't go to heaven if they're vaccinated. If they're vaccinated? Oh, my God. I was already rolling my eyes before I knew why. That's rough. Holy shit. Pastor or youth group leader telling teens they won't go to heaven if they're vaccinated. However, they say Bible is the rule book.

The Bible doesn't say you can't use medicine. Men in power make up these rules as they go along. End of review. Wow. What a toughie. But not. I was going to say like. Which is like a dumb. I mean, it is dumb.

A dumb thing. Yeah. Oh my God. I don't know what you're supposed to do with that information as a teenager, especially if you've already been vaccinated. Yeah. No, that's so true. I feel like most of those kids have some vaccination one way or another. Like, are they all going to hell?

Got the smallpox vaccine. Please don't tell children they're going to hell. That is such a scary thing. That's what we were raised. But like, that's the thing is you grow up feeling it's normal yeah like that's a normal thing to have in your brain

it just looms that you might be going to hell over you it really does all the time and then that's and that's me as like a straight white man

like imagine being anyone being queer or anything yeah literally true who's being told oh people like you are going to hell

so therefore you think to suffer for eternity. Like, yeah, you're going to, it's terrible. Ha ha ha, isn't it a right old laugh? I swear my challenge is fun this episode, if y'all aren't having fun with all the religious drama. I'm not, so I'm glad. I have, okay, so this isn't a review,

but I have an amazing, oh, maybe this is a review. Do I have. Okay. So this isn't a review, but I have an amazing. Oh, maybe this is a review. Do I have a review of this? I don't know. I don't think so. I just wanted to tell you about this product on Amazon. Oh, no. It's called Bible Bingo Game for Vacation Bible School.

24 players for Kids Christian Sunday Church. You know that like immediately I would become a Christian again just to play bingo, right? I fucking love bingo. Like I would give up all of my- Absolutely. Reservations and just fucking play bingo. So what I want you to tell me is what do you think is going to be on this bingo card? Okay.

Is this one of those where it's like, if this occurs at camp, you put- Oh, no, no, no. It's just Bible. Bible references and little drawings. It's not like every time the counselor makes us sing a round of hymns, put a token down. No, no, no. Let's see. Do you want me to read the game instructions? Yeah, sure. Give each player a bingo card and several player chips. The player chips are these like a bunch of crosses.

I knew it. I was like, let me guess. So you have to put the crosses down on the pieces. Okay. And then the caller would pick one image and call out. Then kids would use the player chips to mark if they have it. So they call out an image. Oh, okay.

I understand. Okay. So is there a Noah's Ark? I believe Noah is on here. Okay. Noah, the man himself is probably, you know what? No, he's not. Not the Ark?

You suck. Oh, it is. It is. Noah's Ark is on here. I knew it. Man, when you have like, what is this, 20 different images? You're not very good at this game. I'm really bad at this.

I think I just counted that wrong. I think it's 24. I think I'm winning. Okay, give another one. Rainbow. No. Oh, right. God has not taken it back.

I forgot. That's good. In their world, God has not taken it back. That's like the free space in the middle. Well, that's the thing. The free space just says free space. And I'm like, do something with it. They didn't even come up with something clever.

Can't you come up with something? Like God's redemption. Free space. Jesus. What? I'm glad they didn't go to you for any help. I'm doing a great job. Okay.

What about the crucifixion? Why are you laughing? The crucifixion why are you laughing the crucifixion yes like literally jesus being nailed to the cross stigmata i think our catholic upbringing he's getting too much it's that yeah you're thinking this is evangelical kind of style i think okay it's not the like hardcore man and woman woman married. It is man and woman. Matrimony. Holy matrimony. Okay.

I'm sorry. I'm back to my Catholic bullshit. Hold on. Hold on. I'm thinking of all the sacraments. That's not going to work. Baptism. Okay.

They like that. Look, you could have said cross. Cross is on there. Shit. Like when you said Bible references, I thought you meant like things that happen. It's like Jesus. Moses. Moses. I don't know what you're thinking things that happen. It's like Jesus, Moses.

Moses? I don't know what you're thinking. Queen Esther, who I'm like, who the fuck is Queen Esther? Who the fuck is that? Mary, Pharaoh. I'm like, why would we want Pharaoh on here? David, King David. Bible, Lamb. I don't understand.

Jonah and the whale. Is it like... See, I knew I should have guessed that. But it's just the whale. So I wish they had left Jonah off, so it just says the whale. The whale. You know him. Adam and Eve are on there.

I should have known. Both sinners, because they're covered. Donkey is the first, like the top left in this one. Wait, so. The first example. When it says things like Moses and Pharaoh, are there, is it like their silhouette? No, because it's a little like, it's a drawing of them. And does it say like a caption?

And it says underneath. Yeah. Okay. I'm not looking at it like. How do you know who David is? No, no, no. They all, I think they all. One of them is just creation and it's a drawing of the world.

Okay. Gotcha. So stupid. There's Trinity. This sounds boring. Oh, no, it looks terribly boring. Burning Bush, though. It's pretty hardcore.

I always love the good Burning Bush reference. It's a great reference. Okay. I'm glad I'm finally understanding. So it's shit like this is what goes down. It's so boring. Vacation Bible school. I thought it would be fun.

Like, every time somebody gets baptized, like, you know, if you have that on your bingo card. Some kid's like, I got to win. Baptize me. Baptize me. Or he just baptizes that poor girl who doesn't want to be. And it's like, I don't think that counts. I'll give you half my,

you have my silly string that I get. Just poured my Capri sun on her. Does that count? Oh my God. Uh, wow. So that was delightful. Thank you for sharing.

Um, I feel like I'm finally getting an understanding of what this really is all about. Yep. Is it my turn? I guess so. I don't know. This is a review of La Crescenta. Crescenta? Crescenta. Placenta? That can't be right. La Crescenta Presbyterian Church. And this is actually a four-star review by Jack, but I would say it's negative. I know it's a four-star, but I would say like, let's keep the sad music just because it's pretty dissatisfied, I would say. It's a four-star review. We signed up our daughter for VBS here, parentheses, vocational Bible school, which I'm just realizing is not correct. No.

When I first saw it, I was like, did this person mean to say vocation? But it is vacation. It's vacation. Yeah. I mean, that is a fun play on words. No, they're trying. True. But they're trying to get kids into it and parents to think.

So this guy already doesn't know what he's talking about. Well, maybe this guy's like just a hardcore, like, I refuse to call it vacation because this is serious. This is no, this is no picnic. This is no picnic. This is a picnic Bible school. I would go to that. Why? I don't know. Because I'm hungry. Me too. We signed up our daughter for VBS here, Vocational Bible School, which lasts one week during the summertime. I don't really know what to think of it. When you meet the people there, they are kind and nice, but I don't see them as the outgoing, communicative, or the excited type which I'm drawn to for my kids. When dropping off my little one, the teacher would greet us, but in a very soft way. Hello. That is upsetting. Is it me?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I was ready to let you have your moment. No. When dropping off my little one, the teacher would greet us, but in a very soft way and would just have her go in color. Typically for children who my little ones age, the teachers tend to set the environment with an exciting welcome and maybe give a brief overview of what they will do that day with some type of life behind it. The other thing. Oh, Jesus. She was dead behind the eyes. Just like Jesus.

Oh. Only for three days. Only for three days. And never again. The other thing that kind of bothered me is that my wife told me they are having a closing party type of thing, which we had no clue what to expect. We knew that there will be food and bouncers,

but knew nothing else because it was not communicated at least to my knowledge by the way not what they mean about i was like whoa this is exclusive i love that it's just food and bouncers that's it they just check your religion like yeah but at the door what religion they scan you to make sure you've been saved true um yeah they have bouncers i think they mean based on the photo a bouncy house okay well we found out as the evening passed that my little one learned a song and was going to perform it with the other kids on stage had i this, I would have totally brought my entire camera set up, like a true dad, lol. The funniest part of this is that when my little one goes to regular school and has things like this, she is the one that tells us she's going to do a song or whatever

is coming up, but even she was confused if they were going to do a song or not. Sorry to say, it's awesome that they do VBS. It's awesome that they did the celebration and they had food, bouncers, water slides, magicians, sk skits and sing-alongs with everyone magicians they're going to hell oh get ready there's more about they're toying with the the work of god there's more about magicians oh fuck they had magicians that they then crucified. No, I'm sorry. That was too far. Magicians skits and sing-alongs with everyone, but their teachers need some oomph. And they should communicate more clearly about what the VBS entails and what the events entail. Don't get me wrong. It seems like a legit VBS, but these are just my concerns.

P.S. The magic show they did was pretty cool how they incorporated the stories of the Bible into their magic tricks. End of review. Oh, no. So apparently this is a very... I pull a rabbit out of a hat and then I say, hey, whose rabbit is this? Oh, two of you think it's

you? I'm going to split it in half. I'm going to cut it in half. And then they do the cut half thing. With a saw. Or they can just use a human for that. That's cool. Take a child. Whose child is this?

And only the parents speak up. And King Solomon's like, let me saw him in half. They're like, no, don't cut him in half. Well, I have to. It's the magic trick. Well, that's not how the Bible story goes. But I'm looking at the photos because, oh because oh here i didn't know there were captions this photo says vocational bible school skit had the kids cracking up and the name of it is deep sea discovery okay and there's a picture of a yellow

submarine in the background um then there's a picture of somebody doing a magic trick with like a big white einstein wig on yes and then there is a water slide a water slide sounds fun that does sound fun so yeah no i think these were supposed to be very fun yeah um which is why that teacher man gotta bring the energy you gotta bring the energy when you're trying to convert kids you gotta bring the energy i mean you need a little sparkle behind those eyes you need so much sparkle a little oomph yeah not too much sparkle then we're getting into some we had some religion teachers who had a little too much sparkle yes well remember that time we talked about our art teacher for four hours last time i like forgot about that i didn't do until this very moment and then i was i i i saw the i mentioned the Peyton Sip thing on like either Patreon or Facebook or something or Discord.

And I was like, oh, wait, didn't we do that? So that's already come out? Oh, God. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I never thought about it again. I think so. Didn't it? I don't know.

Or maybe someone was talking about how they're excited for Peyton. No, no, no. I think it came out. Let's not think about it. Is it bad that we don't know? Let's not talk about it. Yeah, that's why. We just don't want to think back on the terrible.

I don't want to think back on this episode. Never. And we won't. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11am.

Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294.

Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. So, next I have a couple of just products for you. Again, no a couple just products for you again i can't wait i can't wait um this is like what i'm this one this is like what i do remember when i go on qvc and stuff and then i just start like reading to you yeah this is so i get it now i get it i'm glad um i'm just gonna read the about for this shirt roar for jesus our bold design has a photo of a roaring lion. Show your love for the Lord this summer and look fierce at Vacation Bible School. Wild about VBS with our Vacation Bible School shirt for boys,

girls, kids, and adults. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So yeah, it's literally, hold on. It's literally, look at this. It says, Roar for Jesus. it makes no sense it says roar for jesus in huge letters covering a photo of a roaring lion i hope they got the rights to that photo it looks like a stock image it really does um i it's just a roaring lion roar for jesus which i've never heard that thing. I think I'm going to fast forward to something that I was going to tell you at the end. Okay, please.

At the end. Please. It's called Roar Vacation Bible School. Literally. Wow. And it's like jungle themed. Honestly, maybe they're somehow related. I think so.

I wouldn't be surprised. What you have to do is like, if you are an instructor, you basically buy all the supplies for, and so it's like themed. So this one's called roar. So I was just Googling vacation Bible school reviews just in general. And I found this comment on a forum. I'm going to read it to you and we can all,

you know, make up our own minds. But this is a comment by Karen, you know, make up our own minds. But this is a comment by Karen in a forum. It has come to our attention that Group's Roar Vacation Bible School contains culturally insensitive, inaccurate, and inappropriate activities. If you'd like to learn more about what was problematic, see Africa-themed vacation bible school plan dash racially insensitive okay so that's like an official statement okay on a forum about vacation bible schools yes and i think group is like the name of this like like umbrella company that does these kind of themed bible schools so it says group has now provided alternate activities to replace those which are problematic.

And now I found a- The least surprising thing ever. I found an article that gives a little more, well, I didn't find the article. I clicked Africa themed vacation Bible school plan, racially insensitive. Racially insensitive? Question mark. Shrug. Shrug emoji.

Who's to say? Who's to say? We can't say, so we're just gonna go with it and i will say so this article was written by a black author so i'm like okay at least they are having somebody who's like listen i'm you know i'm not this white karen lady yeah but it probably took a black person to bring it up you know to actually to actually say something and be like, wait a second. Yeah. So I don't know if this person, like the author, like works for, is like an instructor or like works for this company. I'm not really sure. But I'm going to read you this like just a brief synopsis here.

I'm nervous. Here we go. A Christian company that claims it is trusted by thousands of churches has been criticized for its 2019 Vacation Bible School lessons that require elementary age students to pretend they are slaves and mimic an African dialect with clicks. The Vacation Bible School curriculum... Okay, I'm sorry to interrupt. I don't know what I was expecting, but that's worse than I was expecting. And like, I wasn't expecting anything good, but that's somehow like, holy shit.

The fact that it came out in 2019. Like that, it's. Like that's something you'd see in like a movie from like the fifties maybe. Yes. And you're just like, maybe you're like the thirties, like really old shit.

Like an old Pinocchio or something. Like one of those. Black and white, like terrible thing. And you're like, oh, yikes. And not 2019. Well, i have more for you the vacation bible school curriculum also refers to africa as a country

which is just alone just like not educational like even all the racial shit aside they can't pretend like they're being they, they're providing an education. Exactly. It's not even accurate. They can't pretend that there's a positive here. So here's a quote. As I have been prepping for each day of group vacation Bible schools roar this week, I have been horrified to find one, having children play at being slaves while being yelled at and told that they're worthless slaves. Two, a reference to Africa as a country.

And three, leaders and kids asked to mimic and mock a clique language by making up new names in their imitated language. And this was a quote by Leanne Masters, who is a pastor in Lincoln, Nebraska. a pastor in Lincoln, Nebraska. So when you said Roar for Jesus, I was like, I wonder if you're supposed to wear that shirt to this event. So anyway, I had that last because it wasn't really a review, but I felt it was relevant for Roar for Jesus. I was going to buy that shirt. I guess now I won't.

Now I won't now i won't i do wonder what like when karen said oh they've group has replaced uh replaced the activities with less problematic ones yeah like okay so what are those yeah you know no so true have some strength in your convictions karen tell me what you've replaced them with no it's it's... Man. So, Roar. What a weird world. What a weird world. It's, like, terrifying. I mean...

It's, like, so strong. 2019, that got through enough adults. Yeah. Passed through enough adults' hands and still went public. They live in their own fucking fantasy world, these people that are making these awful things. I can't. Oh, my God. Okay, so... Go back to Amazon to amazon anyway i'm back to amazon um so this one is a five star review it is not a five star the

music has cannot be five stars i don't i think they made a mistake when they put the stars i'm glad you read it though but this is of a bible for teen girls oh no um yeah no that's the thing is i was like kind of desperate for reviews so i was reading five star reviews and i read this i'm like oh thank god i read it because it was hidden uh because when i was looking at vbs a lot of people mentioned about like oh nostalgia that one bible that one teen bible they gave us because there's some very unique uh teen bibles out there i believe it mostly written by men um and especially if it's like for teen girls it's some very uh questionable things there's even this notebook and it was about having uh sex on your period

and how your periods gross and stuff it's awful for like teens it's like something like really fucked up having sex at all exactly no that's the thing is so many people were like like that alone was a problem but like why are you teaching these young girls to be ashamed of like the very natural things that happen with their body like it was just such a rag and then and they need to know if i had a nickel for every time i said that yeah I have no nickels. Don't say that, everybody. No, it was wild to read,

and it was uncomfortable, so I didn't bring pretty much any of those because there were some that were just so gross, and I'm like, these people are out there writing books, and people are gifting these books to young girls thinking it's okay. Yikes.

Anyway. So here's a five-star review that has one-star energy. Okay. Especially with this title. A Disgrace to the Holy Word of God. I have never seen such inappropriate topics discussed in a Bible for teen girls. The social decadence we see in this day and age can only be furthered by premature knowledge of the immoral content in this book. Young ladies can learn about these things once

they are safely married. Their vulnerable minds will be poisoned by such disgraceful things. No responsible Christian parent would allow such a Bible through the front door, much less into the hands of their immature teen daughters. The hypocrites who produce this will be judged by the Lord in full. LOL. End of review. LOL.

I can't stop laughing about it. I, I, I. Alexander. Six people found this helpful. The LOL. I just feel like. I am. people found this helpful the lol i just like i am stunned into silence really lol and i included that because yeah they talk about how immoral it is and they didn't even say what was in the book like i don't know maybe they think LOL means like Lord of... Lord of Light.

Light of... I don't know. I wonder. So I really wonder. Lordy, oh, Lordy. Lordy, oh, Lordy. What do you think is in there? Because now I must know.

I'll let you know when it arrives. When I'm safely married. Oh, when you're safely married. Yeah, well, that was... I love like safely married. And it's so gross. Like once a man has decided to keep her safe from her own mind and how vulnerable. Such a gross way to put it.

Yeah. That's pretty upsetting. Yeah. I just need to know what's in that fucking book. So yeah, when it does arrive, just let me know. It looks like there's some like worksheet type things and like questionnaires. What's it called again? Some worksheet type things and questionnaires.

What's it called again? Well, it says, True Images, The Bible for Teen Girls. It's from NIV, the New International Version Bible. It says, The only NIV Bible specifically for teen girls ages 13 to 16. Strengthen your relationships with God, family, friends, and guys. And what? And guys. Oh, there it is.

That's the problem. It literally says that on here on the cover. Hey, did you know on thriftbooks.com you can order it in either imitation leather or leather? Oh, what? Why would they do both? Somebody named either Jesus or Jesus left a five-star review that says, the Bible is all we need. So I'm like, are you Jesus or are you Jesus?

Yeah, it seems like there's some sort of, I don't know, you're a little biased, Jesus. I found it. Jesus, what? By the way, this is written by a woman named Karen, so. Okay. You know. What do you see?, this is written by a woman named Karen. So, you know. What do you see? It's surprisingly easy to look in the mirror and pick out all the things you think are wrong with yourself. It can be much more difficult to recognize, celebrate, and grow

the special inner and outer qualities that make up who you really are. God challenges you to push past what the world says about being beautiful and instead discover your true image, your true gifts, and your true image your true gifts and your true strengths in god's eyes that go beyond outer beauty and explore who you really are inside you're right this does sound toxic girls should not be exploring their inner beauty and they should look at the mirror and criticize themselves god made you beautiful on the outside the real didn't he doesn't love you that's right the real god based on the popular blah blah blah it features 90 brand new based on the bible like what is this based off sorry this is the

devotion little soup for the soul this is the devotional version that's that's those are the things that had the really pro so such problematic stuff for some of the devotionals okay some super problematic well you mean 90 brand new daily devotions on anxiety bullying body image and more yes doesn't sound so bad but like i guess if it's about your period then like no it's literally like the thing is it's look at the bible yeah the Bible has some great useful stuff in it. It does. There's some real problematic shit in there. Wow.

I know. It's a crazy take. Be careful. First one to ever say it. I know. But, you know, like... This is a wild... With any of these subjects, especially if you're viewing it from an evangelical lens,

it's probably not going to go well for the child. You shouldn't be talking about shedding your uterine lining. Yeah. You know what I mean? No. It's not appropriate. It's not. Oh my God, there's stuff about pornography in here and self-harm and eating disorder.

No, exactly. I don't know if I trust Karen to tell me about all this shit. I feel like the people who write these, if they're doing it from an evangelical lens, any sort of religious lens really, they're not experts. They're doing it from an evangelical lens, any sort of religious lens, really. They're not experts. They're doing it from the wrong perspective. Yeah, they're not medical professionals or psych professionals. And it seems a little bit like they shouldn't be telling children about self-harm. But okay.

Okay. You know? I would love to hear from people if they had like, had one of these as a kid. I'm sure people will write in, you know, and say, like, oh, I had one of these books. I like to get that special insight. Oh, wait. Here we go. DM her about your fucking Bibles.

Leave me out of it. I don't want it. I want to know everything. I have enough Bibles in my life. I love this. There's a quiz called called what's your spiritual gift And then it says every christian Has at least one

One special gift Like a super power One gift but I love that only christians get a special gift I mean we were baptized What's our special gift The gift of our voices to all you lovely people Out there Yeah and we're probably

misusing that according to the Bible. Oh, true. If you were asked to help out at a church, Sandy, would you pick A, teaching preschoolers a Bible lesson? Nope. B, doing behind the scenes tasks like cleaning? Maybe. C, being a greeter on Sunday mornings and welcoming people? Nope. Or D, organizing Sunday school supplies? Just the supplies? Either B or D sound the best for me. Okay. I like being forward-facing, but not in this context. Wait, I'm really upset because I have to buy the book to find out the answer. The answer? What does that mean? It's a personality quiz. Oh, it's like a personality quiz? Okay. Oh okay oh man we'll figure it out we'll do it if somebody has this book you must tell me um i also love like listen this is

something i would have eaten up as a kid like it has like little oh no exactly yeah you know it's it's it's i can see why this is something people have fun uh i mean they the thing is they know what they're doing they're they they're targeting children and they know how to do that yeah i mean look at it we love like chicken noodle soup for the soul that's religious yeah i don't think i remembered that it was no exactly we went to um uh woodland altars and remember like a year ago you told me it meant altar and i went, wait, what? We didn't know it was religious until we were older because everything we did was religious at that school. Yeah.

Like it just was all normal. It's like, oh yes, of course they pray here. Every camp probably prays. Yeah, we thought this is what it's about. This is what you do. It's so bizarre. Oh, Zandy. What a weird world.

I'm upset now. I know. I'm sorry. I've got something funny. Oh, good. Do you want me to go into that? Oh my God, I'm sorry. I just opened a page in a thing and it says, Alexander, is this the same link you were on? Because this is a one-star view of this thing that says, do not buy this Bible. It flat out says that having homosexual feelings is not a sin.

And this is a chapter called, am I gay? and then the subheading is am i gay i don't know i just don't know the thought has crossed my mind all my friends are wondering if this guy or that guy likes them i don't like any guys right now i wonder if i have a crush on miranda she's on the cross-country team with me and a little older and a lot more popular i think about her a lot and i wish she would notice me more. Who wrote this fanfic for this? It's a profile of Jasmine. She's always so nice to everyone

and actually talks to me sometimes. Everybody thinks she's pretty. Does that mean I'm gay? Yes. That's me, sorry. That's not Karen. On one of my favorite TV shows, some of the characters are gay.

They say you shouldn't hide how you feel. Does that mean that if I'm gay, I need to accept it? There's a girl who sits by me in computer lab who's gay. She seems nice. She's been talking to me more. I wonder if she thinks I'm gay. Maybe she knows something about me that I don't know yet. Oh my God.

Why is this in a Bible or devotional thing? If you're feeling confused, talk with your parent or another trusted adult. I wouldn't do that. Yeah, probably. You may also want to seek out the support of a Christian counselor. Talk to the gay person in your computer class. Definitely. Right?

Before the Christian counselor. Having a feeling or an attraction isn't sinful. Fantasizing something or acting on it is sinful and will damage you physically, emotionally. I knew it was going to happen. Emotionally. I knew it was going to happen. I knew that was going to be the issue. And spiritually. Because I was like, there's no way this whatever you're reading a review of supports homosexuality,

which is such a bizarre thing to even say. It says that the feelings are okay. The feelings are okay as long as you don't act on them. You just can't act on it. That's fucked, man. That is fucked. Oh, I think it's fine. I know you do. Just kidding. God, I think it's fine. I know you do. Just kidding.

God, I can't get over this. I just love that the page is called, Am I Gay? I don't know. Like, what on earth? This is an insane situation that you've developed. I'm so sorry. In my life. I know.

I can add to it. Okay. With this product. And I have reviews to it. Okay. With this product. And I have reviews. Great. This is 150 pieces, Jesus Christian stickers, religious Bible faith stickers, the Christian motivational waterproof stickers for water bottles, laptops, skateboard, inspirational words, decals for teens, adults. Dear God. Amazon kills me.

Christina. What? These reviews, though, are hilarious. What is this? I'm going to read. Exactly. What? These reviews, though, are hilarious. What is this? I'm gonna read, exactly, here we go. I'm gonna read some reviews and I want you to guess what the stickers might say. Shut up! Okay, I'm so excited. So I'll read a few. Here's a pretty

generic one star. Unacceptable content. Highly offensive stickers included in this spiritual pack. End of review. Here's another one. Some blasphemous ones. There's some blasphemous stickers in this spiritual pack. End of review. Here's another one. Some blasphemous ones. There's some blasphemous stickers in this pack. Most of them cheesy quotes.

More for Protestants than Catholics. End of review. That one got me so good. I was like, I feel like I'd be better off as a Protestant. Hardcore. No, like really though. It probably sounds right. I mean, because it's so interesting.

I watch like, you know, you watch some TV shows and you see these like churches that are actually welcoming of other people that aren't even within their religion and other people including just, I don't know, any gay people. And you see that and I'm like, holy shit, I can't believe that exists. When like, that's never been a thing in Catholic. Yeah, no, they're definitely like, they're now like queer pastors. And yeah, there's a little bit more openness. And I know some of our listeners too are in churches that are more accepting, but have, you know, have an understanding of, you know, where we come from on this whole topic. And some people are, I sure, that listen are Catholic. I mean, that's our own father.

Well, yeah. Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad. No, no. But like, I don't know. Just because you're Catholic doesn't make you a terrible person, you know, like necessarily. No, I'm kidding. Depends on how, like, that's it.

Whatever. I have another one star. Okay, when do I get to guess after these reviews? Yeah, I'll do this one, then you guess. I'm pondering. One star. Traditionalist will not approve of these. The quality is not good, and I do not think traditionalist will approve of all of them.

End of review. How about, is it God is a gay woman? Is that what they say? Well, here's... No? Not quite. Okay. God is a woman and also gay.

So here's a two star. This might give you a little bit more. I don't know. And then they included images of the ones that they... Oh, no. Okay. So it says, not all appropriate stickers. Most of these are great, but not all.

I'm really disappointed that the company snuck in some off color content. Be upfront with your product. End of review. Off-color? Off-color. So there's a rainbow, I'm assuming. Good, good. Multiple.

Oh, gosh. Okay, there's a rainbow and it says, God loves everyone? So there are 150 stickers. So there are a lot of stickers. But that might exist in here. That's not one that I'm seeing right here. But basically.

Pharaoh. King David. It's just all that I'm seeing right here, but basically. Pharaoh. King David. It's just all Pharaoh. The whale. Queen Esther or something. Queen Esther. Okay. Is it like God is radical with like a skateboard or something stupid?

No. Let me just. Just tell me. There's one and it's. I'm already. It says gay for Jesus. No, it doesn't. And the cross is rainbow. I was like, there's no way it's gay for Jesus. No, it doesn't. And the cross is rainbow.

I was like, there's no way it's that blatant. And then there's one where it's Jesus with his arms out, like with the flowing robes. The robes are rainbow. And at the top it says, ah, comma, men. Ah, men. No. And then there's one of the classic, like, it looks, I don't know, old timey paintings of Jesus kind of looking up and has a halo around him. But within the halo are like cheeseburgers.

Then there's one like a really classic looking drawing of him. And it just says at the bottom, quote, don't be a dick. Jesus. Alexander. It literally says gay for jesus i thought these people were being dramatic but honestly i understand why him and the halo and you know that picture of him holding a lamb yeah it's like that like a drawing like that but instead of a lamb it's a giant slice of pepperoni pizza and the halo is a pepperoni pizza it's like's it. Like, there's no words for that one.

You know what I have to say? Someone who loves Jesus and pizza is like, hell yeah. This is for my skateboard. Yeah, no, that's why they said skateboard. It says in the title, for my skateboard. So I don't know what your problem is. This one, I don't know why they included because I feel like this, if they don't like the gay stuff, they'd like this one. So the words say say taste and see that

the lord is good and it's like clearly chick-fil-a like fries uh sauce packet and drink but instead of it saying chick-fil-a it says lord on the packaging in like a Chick-fil-A font. Yeah, you're right. It says Lord's Chick sauce on the sauce packet. That doesn't make sense. And they're waffle fries. Oh, I love their waffle fries. Oh, yeah? You eat there? Yeah, every day.

No. I actually have only eaten there once, and it was at the- I was going to say, I didn't know you- No, I literally hadn't. And by the time all this drama came out, of course, I was like, well, I'm not going to eat there. But I never really had. So I feel like I never even got to do the like, you know, some people are like, oh,

I miss being able to eat that. Like, I just never. But I one time had the waffle fries at the Kenwood Town Center food court. That was about the extent of my Chick-fil-A. Yeah. No, I'm sure. I'm sure I'd had it in like high school and stuff. But the one here, the line goes, I mean, literally down the street.

The craziest lines. It's honestly sad. It's honestly sad. If you want to get your hands on the Lord's Chick sauce, then you got to stand in line, you know? Yeah. Alexander. I love that they're like, this is not good for Catholics.

Yeah. It's too flippant with its use of hamburgers and pizza. I have one more review and it's of these stickers and it's my final thing. So do you want me to do that now or? It's your last thing? Yeah, my last thing. Is that my cat? That is your cat screaming.

What's his problem? He's screaming for the Lord. He's roaring for the Lord. He's roaring. Sandy, he's roaring. Let's really hope he's not roaring for the Lord. He's roaring for the Lord. He's roaring. Sandy, he's roaring. Let's really hope he's not roaring for the Lord. He's gay for Jesus. Because he's going to tell on you.

He's gay for Jesus. He's gay for Jesus. He says, ah, man. I think that's hilarious. How have I never heard that before? I don't know. That's really good. Why would you?

What circles are you in that you would have heard that? Okay. I don't know. You got me. You got me there. I feel like I've seen weird Jesus pizza things. Yeah. You that. Okay. I don't know. You got me. You got me there. I feel like I've seen weird Jesus like pizza things. Yeah. You know?

Okay. Why don't I read one more before your last one? Okay. Sounds good. Is that okay? Yep. All right. So I have one here.

This actually is when I kind of went off the rails and started finding. I, of course, had to look on Common Sense Media if there was any reference to Bible school, okay? So I found a reference in a review about a show called Family Reunion, which is a sitcom on Netflix. And the description is heartwarming sitcom about family relationships. And this is a two-star review by Chloe a teen age 13 and the title of this review is giving people the wrong idea could be a good show but that's not a good message I'm not saying that I didn't like the show because I am a Christian and they made church jokes but because I'm very upset that parents and children who don't know Jesus are getting the wrong idea entirely.

Vacation Bible school is super fun, and there's no way that our household would be as strict or cruel. That is not Christian people. We aren't strict at all, and we choose to gather at church and worship. We have a good time, but without the right attitude, you can never learn how amazing he is, and this show is showing churches a boring experience and that's not all i cannot keep watching a show that is telling me you can believe in god and other gods because i'm sorry that is false you can believe what you want but we're not strict at all and we have no rules whatsoever but you may not do this it does not say that okay i not do this. It does not say that. Okay, I was gonna say, whoa.

It does not say that. You can believe what you want, but if Jesus is who you accept into your heart, you need to commit to him. You're acting as if Jesus is just in the line of religions, but no, in my belief, he is a kind, forgiving man who saved us from sins, and he has done miracles in my life, so there is no way he can't be there give him a chance to cone into your heart and don't take truth from this show end of review jesus how old was this a child 13 oh my god i know okay there's still hope for you child though maybe that but that's it things yeah at 13 when they're in like that like how do you get out without lots of trauma?

I don't know. I'll ask a lot of my friends. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't.

Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Now what do you have? I've got more sticker review. Yay. It's his last one. This is the last one. Three stars. Aw, man.

This person included the amen sticker, okay, in their photo as the example. So think of that, okay? Okay. Three stars. Very negative. Not made by Christians and need to educate themselves on Christianity before designing.

It is so inappropriate and offensive to make slash include stickers of Jesus that do not conform to what is written in the Christian Bible, God's word, and are in fact in direct contradiction to the beliefs and teachings in it. If you're a, you're a non-Christian who is making these Jesus stickers as a way to earn income, that is fine.

It is? I'm getting my red bubble count. There's a butt here, a big butt. Oh, big butt. But you ought to at least be responsible enough to respectfully depict Jesus in the ways that his followers slash believers actually know him to be, based on depict Jesus in the ways that his followers slash believers actually know him to be based on their belief in the truths written in God's word about him. In the same way, anyone should be responsible and respectful in their depiction slash merchandising

of the symbols, beliefs, practices, et cetera, of any other religion or spiritual practice. If you are not an actual practicing believer, a participating member of the religion or spiritual practice. If you are not an actual practicing believer, participating member of the religion, or spiritual practices whose symbols, beliefs, or practices you intended to create images of and merchandise, then you absolutely should not undertake such an income-producing venture without first educating yourself on the symbols, beliefs, and practices of the people who are, and you are foolish to do so. Some of the silly tongue-in-cheek stickers are definitely only for those who have a sense of humor, of which I am one, because I know my God has a sense of humor, and we are created in his image. But he does not like pepperoni pizza.

Fuck you. My Jesus doesn't like pepperoni. He doesn't like gay anything. He's not gay, and he doesn't like pizza, but he is very funny. He's hilarious. And he loves a good joke. I am positive that God has a sense of humor and laughs. He is not a stodgy old God who is always serious,

always looking for ways to prevent us from having fun and enjoying life and good times. As long as our humor and fun is not disrespectful or dishonoring or offensive to him, which I do not consider those few silly stickers to be, i.e. let's taco bout God, written on a taco shell, lol. Ha ha ha, you're right, God would be laughing his butt off, his big butt off at that one. But I do think you should consider taking the three stickers out of your pack that are offensive and contradict the christian religion it's just the right thing to do the rainbow ones or the amen and i'm so bored of this person which is so funny when the bible doesn't actually

uh say anything about uh homosexuality it it does not it it has there was no sense of what homosexuality is back then. It is not the same. And there's no... It's crazy. It's so scary. Well, it's crazy because Jesus literally had sex with a man in the Bible. He had God inside of him. Is that what it is?

Is that what it was? I don't know. I just wanted to say something offensive. No, it's just wild. I just felt like halfway through, I was like, yawn. It's funny. Who are you directing this at? This person is 100% confident in every single thing that they say about who God is.

That's because they know about God. And as if they know better than everybody else. They know for sure. And they're like, oh, oh yeah he has a sense of humor he's a funny guy he killed so many fucking people in the bible because it was funny it was pretty funny you got me there you literally just don't get it i don't get it i i i it was pretty funny wasn't it it was i i do like i do like the idea that this person is saying, it's okay for you to make money.

Capitalism, I'm all about. Don't worry. It's fine to use God to sell shit if you're an atheist. Just do your research. Just make sure he's straight. It literally was, that was the thing. They said just three stickers. And one of them was the the thing like they said three just three stickers yeah it and one of them is the amen one that they included like yeah that's clearly what

they're talking about yeah which i already found on red bubble your own bible that's very fun uh wow i'm in love with that that's just genuinely wonderful yeah um i'm just excited for my challenge i mean no you're not done but i just have one more, but I can't wait for your challenge either. It's been a lot. It's been, yeah, it's been a lot. Let's see. This is the last thing I have. I was sent this, I mean, I was not, we were sent this by Rochelle a while ago. And so when I searched, you know, Vacation Bible School in in our inbox this was in there so the title of this is proper way to wear and where is spelled w-a-r-e okay and i want you to just remember that spelling forever at least until ever the end of this review, which might feel like forever. But where is always W-A-R-E, which it's like so not that important,

but for some reason it just makes this extra ridiculous. Okay. Proper way to where. Oh, and by the way, this is a review on Amazon of women's yoga sling to metallic flip-flop. Oh! Yeah. Yeah. I know.

A lot of words there. Metallic flip-flop. Yeah. I never I know. A lot of words there. Metallic flip-flop. Yeah. I never thought I'd hear those words together. I know. So welcome to this review. This is a three star. Before I get to why I knocked two stars off, people need to understand how to wear these. There should not be any material under your shoes. I can't believe the reviews I'm seeing where people return these because they don't fit right and say the back sling keeps falling. They say they're not sure how long these would last

with the material hitting the ground. Like really? I don't mean to be rude. What kind of dummy can't see the pictures and know that something isn't right? I'm internally smashing my herd against concrete right now. I'm sorry. I'm having a really hard time getting over this.

That's what it says. I was like, I can't tell if that's you. It sounded like I was saying it. I don't understand. Okay. I'm trying to think. What are they talking about? Material under the shoe?

They're just flip-flops. They're flip-flops. How are people wearing them wrong? I think, what are they talking about? Material under the shoe? They're just flip-flops. They're flip-flops, and I think- How are people wearing them wrong? I literally don't know. I'm so confused. Okay. They're just a flip-flop.

I don't know why you're not supposed to have material under your foot or your shoe. What does that mean? Don't wear socks when you wear them? I don't understand. Yes, right? I'm like, I don't wear socks when you wear them like yes right i'm like i don't know what other material you'd be referencing uh so i don't totally i'm even like looking through the pictures i'm like i don't see anyone wearing socks with these sandals um so i don't know what the problem is um anyway let me look back here. Where are you? I am internally smashing

my herd against concrete right now. I'm sorry. I'm having a really hard time getting over this. She should journal about it in her little devotional. Obviously, shoes that are perfect for me will be terrible for the next. I personally think these are super comfortable. The only thing that's very concerning to me is I think these are knockoffs. Of what? Who's knocking off? First of all, the name of the product is Amazon Women's Yoga Sling 2.

So I don't know what brand is- Gucci flip-flops are you thinking these were knocked off from like i don't understand how this is a thing this is my first pair so what do i know right my bestie has a few and wears them all the time and i finally found these at a great price my first clue that these are fake the first day day I wore these, I love them. Super comfy. I wore the all day long. That night at vacation Bible school practice, I was showing her my shoes. Then I was like, yeah, my brand wore off only after a few hours of wearing these. Oh, I'm sorry. Only after a few hours of wearing these. Hers, she's had for a few years. Brand is perfect as mine were when

first got mine. Mine? Two days old. Wore them once. Hers? Two years old and wears them every day. I just hope that these don't wear out. That one's spelled right for the first time. I just hope that these don't wear out super fast on me. I kind of don't care that they're not real because I didn't pay $32, but it is frustrating. End of review. Oh my, yeah, this is frustrating. $32 for Gucci slides doesn't sound that bad to me.

That's what I'm thinking. But again, what do I know, right? Nothing. I'm internally smashing my head against concrete right now. My herd. I like just, this was such a chaotic teenage review that I felt like I had to bring it. So.

I'm glad you did. Thank you, Rochelle. I don't mean to be rude, but how stupid are you that you don't know how to wear sandals? Kind of a good question. I'm still confused how these people are wearing it wrong. It's fair. So anyway, your turn. Ready for my challenge? I am. Oh, wait. a good question i'm i'm still confused how these people are wearing it wrong it's fair um so anyway your turn ready for my challenge i am oh wait i have a present for you that i forgot oh nice it's

from julio so a package arrived at my home and it said to xandy and christine and i was like has my address been leaked no it's just my pal jul, who's always nice and mails me stuff. Gimme, gimme, gimme. What is it? When I tell you, I shouted loudly when this arrived. Pins. It's from the envelope. I swear to God, if this is Christine 2020. No, it's not, but it should be.

Julio, get on it. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. That worked out weirdly well. I got it. It's right here. Okay. I got it.

The pin is out, but. What does it say? It says, hello, my name is no man. My name is no man. Isn't that so good? I shrieked. So I'm going to actually wear this now. So thank you, Julia.

Hello, my name is no man. That's hilarious. And I vote Christine 2020. That's so stupid. I love it so much. I died. Because a lot of times we don't remember references, but I will never forget Noman until the day I die. Oh, that's dramatic.

I will. I'm on my deathbed. I'm going to be like, bring me Noman. Bring me Noman. Okay. Now with that, with my pin on my body, not on my shirt, sorry. I'm going to do my challenge from Amy, which was to find reviews that contain the phrase, no offense, but. And man, like this, what an episode.

To be honest, my last review kind of fit that. I didn't say no offense, but it did say, I don't mean to be rude. It felt like that. It definitely had the same energy. Well, here we go. My first one is of Big Al's Bar and Grill. This is located in Calgary, Canada. This is a one-star review by Peter, the rock of the church. Oh my god once show off did you get your bingo card oh my god peter's not on my bingo card yeah true it's actually not on any of them damn it went there in

wheelchair the manager said not enough room for wheelchair refused entry i'd called ahead of time was told no problem. When I'm back on my feet, I would never go here again. Not that I'd be there for a while. The manager said, no offense, but I'm not letting you in. You ever notice assholes start off by saying, no offense, but, end of review. Finally.

Exactly. I thought this was a perfect start to this. I only have three more after this, I think. It's the intro we needed. No, I thought it was a good intro, because I'm like, yeah, that's such a rude thing to say. It's outrageous. Don't worry. I'm very much on this reviewer's side. It's like a blank slate for people to say whatever the fuck they want.

Absolutely. Like, hey, I'm going to be ableist. No offense. Yeah. No, exactly. So that, I felt, was a good summation of this challenge I can't believe it that's usually when you're saying no offense but in a review it's not good yeah but also usually it's the reviewer so it's like no true shocking to see it referenced as not the reviewer

my next review is of fresh sip coffee and thrift in El Paso, Texas, which is quite the good business idea. Can you say it again? Fresh sip coffee and thrift. Oh. There's a thrift store with coffee. Here we go. I'm not making this up. This is real.

This person's name is Esther. Oh. I'm not even making that one up. My God. One star. Bingo, bingo. Okay. It's a one-star review.

Not really a coffee shop or a thrift store. No offense, but it just felt like the one woman's closet who was having a yard sale, except not very good prices, and it's all the same size. All the same. Well, that is. That actually does sound like her closet. That description sounds fairly accurate by the end. You're like, hmm.

She's like, I'm switching sizes, so time to clean out all the excels out of my closet. And I know I said that other one kind of brought, but this doesn't feel very assholey to be like, no offense, but they're really trying to get to the bottom of something here. This does feel less. Literally, it's all the same size like that seems not no offense but what what's happening but actually what's going on but what is going on i feel like maybe she wanted like a um for tax purposes was like oh no no no this is a business it's like your yard sale yeah yeah. Here's my Keurig. I sell coffee. I sell coffee. And very specific TJ Maxx sizes only. It's actually all LuLaRoe. Oh my God, Xandy.

That explains it actually very, very well. But she's not even like a seller. She's just someone who bought a bunch of LuLaRoe. And is trying to get rid of it. That's sad. Okay. My next one is a Papa Murphy's. This one is in Charleston, South Carolina.

I didn't know they had Papa Murphy's in there. What is that? That is one of those places, like I mentioned, that take and bake pizza. Oh. So you go and you get it frozen. No, not frozen, but it's like ready to bake. And then you bring it home and bake it at home oh dewey's does that they do yeah it's delicious that's fun i didn't order it half baked

and then you finish it at home oh okay well yeah so that's what this is but it's like drive-thrus and that's their whole i actually am remembering this now that you mention it yep so this is a this is one it's actually closed but it was in Charleston, South Carolina. And here's a one-star review. This is by Greg. Garbage. No offense, but I'm glad y'all closed because y'all sucked. The fact that we had to cook the pizza ourselves is bullshit. And literally, they tasted like cardboard.

I'm not joking. End of review. Yeah, we know you're not. See, this is the kind of thing. You can't say no offense, but, and then just be so mean of like, I'm glad you closed. I'm glad your business is done. I'm glad you're in debt, you assholes. I'm glad you failed.

I had to make the pizza myself. Like, no, you didn't go to fucking Domino's, weirdo. Yeah, what? Like, clearly this is a specific business model. Yeah. Why are you bitching about it? Like, it's not like the only pizza place in Charleston. I'm not gonna lie.

I was shocked when I found out it was a thing. But then I thought about it and I thought, yeah, that makes sense. It's not a bad idea. It's like custom pizza. You get whatever ingredients you want. And then you just bake it at home. And it's ready to go. I think it's smart, but you know what?

It's probably less expensive than the same size for, you know, most whatever. I'm so glad they're in debt and failed at life. No offense, though. But no. Oh, shit. I forgot to say it. You forgot to say it. I'm going to hell.

We already knew that. That's true. OK. Here's one, my last one. This is one score. Hey, I haven't acted on anything. Feelings are OK. I feel it all the time.

But no action. Here we go this is of just mike's seafood and more uh it says chicken wing seafood cajun creole uh this is in dublin georgia is this the last one this is my last one i know i know these are fun yeah there were just so many that were just so not because yeah people use this phrase a lot but there weren't that many that i thought were like oh yeah this is fun to bring or fun might not be the right word i'm having a lot of fun so this one this one is uh one star i am a true maryland woman i know good seafood and have to remember not to go by reviews in the deep country no offense but if they have never left the country they have no clue about

good seafood i don't care for the seasoning and the shrimp wasn't cooked all the way there was no old bay vibes and it was watered down. Real boils have carlin and stuff on the bottom, and it's thick. And this isn't the case. It upsets my stomach. I will drive back to Lanaya just to get some good seafood, because this wasn't it. I am truly disappointed. Why don't you just leave the country like you suggested earlier? And the thing is what they mean, I think, is like the countryside.

They don't mean like literally. The country. I thought they meant like leave the country. No, I know. Me too at first. But I was like, you know, this person is talking about how they know seafood just by being from Maryland. Oh, God. So I don't think they actually.

I see. Expect anyone to. They just see this place as like as so rural that they don't know seafood. They're too podunk. like as so rural that they don't know seafood. There's too podunk. It's so, so. But also like isn't it called Cajun food? Yeah. Like Cajun food is literally in the deep.

Whatever. Okay. Don't make. Yeah. You cannot bring reasoning into this because this person's going to anytime a place of seafood is probably going to be like if it doesn't match the exact seafood that's in Maryland. It's not real seafood.

I mean, we literally did crab boils in Maryland as an episode for this very reason. Yeah, but she'd be like having paella or whatever in Spain and be like, where's the Old Bay? She's like, I tried to leave the country to find good seafood and it didn't work. It didn't work. Honestly, I'm changing impeccable vibes to Old Bay vibes only. Old Bay vibes. So it was all caps. Old Bay vibes only.

It was all caps. Can someone make me a sign seriously that says Old Bay vibes only? Imagine it on a can of Old Bay. It says Old Bay vibes only. Sounds great. Somebody we know out there is going to make a beautiful rendition of this. Okay, can't wait to see it.

I feel it. You're really, really putting it out there. I don't know why. I just, maybe it's that Redbubble talk we had earlier, but. True.

But yeah, they said there was, and then in all caps, no Old Bay, then lowercase, vibes. And it was watered down. Honestly? There was no Old Bay vibes.

What does that mean? That's very offensive. I'm glad they said no offense. I find that to be incredibly offensive to accuse a place of having no Old Bay vibes. I don't think I'd ever recover from that insult. That's the kind of vibe I'm always going for.

Absolutely. Natty Bow and Old Bay vibes. What was the thing you said? Natural Bohemian. It's a beer from Baltimore. Natty Bow and Old Bay vibes What was the thing you said? Natural Bohemian It's a beer from like Baltimore Natty Bow Oh okay I'm just trying to I'm trying to get in good with the Maryland people

Why? I don't know because I just read this Made fun of this This true Maryland woman or something Yeah she's like a real I am a true all caps True Maryland woman Jesus Christ Well I hope she's like a real I am a true, all caps, true Maryland woman. Jesus Christ. Well, I hope

she comes to our DC show. Oh, yeah! I'll have a crab boil with her. Will you? No. Okay, I won't either, but I hope you come anyway. I wonder if there's a true Maryland woman. A vegan crab boil. Yeah, Marylanders, are you coming to our DC show? You better. You better. We're also gonna be

in Philly. Old Bay vibes only. We'll also be in New York. It's a little more of a trip. We'll also be in Tempe, Arizona, even more of a trip, and Salt Lake City. And St. Louis, Kansas City, Boston. I think that's everything. It's going to be a lot. It's going to be a lot.

Eight shows. Go check it out. Go check it out. BeachHusseini.com is all our tickets and stuff. Get your tickets now. They start in June and go into July. And it's going to be very fun and exciting. And every show is going to be different.

Yes, that's a big thing. We're reading reviews of the places that we're going to. Like the cities. The actual cities with things inside of them. For example. Crab boils. Salt Lake City. It's just going to be Mormon stuff.

Just kidding. I do have a couple Mormon related ones, but. You do? You've already done it? Yeah, I've gotten started. What the hell? They're coming up. How exciting.

I'm excited. Right? Reading these reviews. I'm like pumped for it. I haven't even finished the That's Why You Drink tour yet. Yeah, I'm getting ahead of the game. Frick. That's fine.

I've got plenty. All right. Well, don't bank on that, though. You get your own. I'll just share yours. I'll just share a computer with you. No, it's basically going to be our podcast live with audience interaction kind of hopefully to a minimum. How do you do it?

I'm like, since when? I don't know. Sometimes like the audience will yell something. When Christine reads her three reviews, then she'll do a Q&A. I hear crowd work's really big on TikTok. What does that mean? Crowd work, like comedy where you like. Oh, that sounds like my nightmare.

We're not doing crowd work. I pretend nobody's in the room when I'm doing a show. No, we're going to ignore it. No, we respond to people when they yell, but sometimes we don't. Sometimes I say security, and that's how I respond. Sometimes we respond in a way they're not expecting. No, it'll be fun. Can't wait.

Can't wait to see you all there. And we'll talk to you soon. Old Bay Vibes only. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. you soon. Old Bay Vibes only. Bye.