Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 243: Reviews of Hobby Lobby

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

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Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello! Welcome to the long-awaited episode of Hobby Lobby Reviews. This is exciting.

I'm excited. I don't know who suggested it. Someone on Patreon, I assume. Yeah, I feel like lots of people over the years have suggested it. Yeah, I definitely found some emails from the way back of our inbox. Yeah, yeah. I will. No, you know what? You know what? I'm the one who put this in.

No, I think we have, but like sincerely, like that's why people have been requesting this. But I think I put it in the actual poll in the poll this time. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was me. Well, one of the reviews I found in the annals of our inbox was from Stephanie earlier this year, who actually wrote, the Hobby Lobby my mother works at was destroyed by a tornado yesterday. While looking for information, I wound up on google reviews and found this comment so um starting us off with that you want me to start off i know i just jumped in but i just felt like um first of all i hope y'all are okay stephanie oh yeah that too yeah but i want to hear what this act of god did to this hobby lobby okay five star comp this is a review um and i

guess we're sorry people who don't know hobby lobby is a chain of crafts craft stores in the united states um that is now very well known for being very christian that yeah very right-wing conservative company beyond christian i should say yeah it's very problematic they've had some problematic stuff go on. They're very involved in whether their female employees are able to get birth control. Like, it's a lot. And if you're not from this country, you're probably like, what? But maybe you watch the news and you're like, that's not shocking.

But it's alarming. It's one of those businesses like Chick-fil-A that you try to avoid if you don't want to be involved in that side of history. So yeah, this Hobby Lobby, I guess, was destroyed by a tornado. And while looking up information, Stephanie found this review of that Hobby Lobby. It has nothing to do with the tornado. It just happened to find a review. And it's actually a five-star by a local guide named Katie. Always love shopping here,

but the employees aren't very friendly and would probably eat their own young. End of review. So, Stephanie, are you okay? Yeah. Did your mother eat you? Good question. Stephanie seems to be alive and kicking driving okay so i don't know if katie the local guide has the right intel maybe so stephanie's mother used to work at hobby does work there currently does okay so there's still a chance it might happen. Yeah. So be careful. Be careful. Okay. I was worried.

I thought maybe, oh, okay. Maybe Stephanie's mom, once they got to that part of their training, you know. Doesn't that sound. She was like, oh, I'm good. That sounds like QAnon. Like that sounds like something that QAnon would say about a different company. That they eat babies. I did see a surprise amount of people saying that Hobby Lobby is satanic,

which I'm like, what? Have you been to one? I don't understand. Yeah, I have, and I can probably agree with that. No, I wonder if it's like, oh, I feel like that's something QAnon would say about Planned Parenthood. They just eat the babies, and that's why. But it's a five-star review here, so maybe it's a good thing. Well the

eating their own young was a but. Like I love it here except for this part. Oh that's the one negative. That's the one downside is that they eat babies so. Interesting. Okay. Unfortunate. That's a good way to start us off you know. You're welcome. I'm going to start with an email. This is from Beck who sent a very sweet email um including a reference to uh fall boys cover of we didn't start the fire so glad you guys um and yeah so it's better than the original keep saying that waiting for someone to get mad at me nobody has cared i don't think anyone

really loves that song like for me it was annoying because we had to do that. It was a cool project in hindsight, but in eighth grade, we had to do a project. I don't think you had to do this. No, we had to pick a topic from the song and write a research paper about it. Was that Mr. Schmidt? No, I think it was Miss Alway. So you didn't have her, but I could be wrong. We had to pick a decade and make a movie about it.

We did that as well. It did that uh we we had a video of john lennon being assassinated uh anyway wait that's what i did oh nice really literally yeah and i was in the coffin it was in front of melissa's house yeah mine was at kylie's house and i was in or no ellie's house and i was in a coffin and i was laughing and they were like you have to stop and then they were like you have to stop breathing otherwise it looks like you're alive and I'm like well I am alive and I'm 14 and I need to breathe anyway what were you talking about that song Ryan started the fire um but so anyway it's a good song. You should listen to it, folks. Yes, you should. So Beck did send a very sweet email. And I want to give a shout out to their brother, Oliver, who they lost to suicide in April of last year.

What the fuck? I know, I know. But I thought Oliver should get a shout out oh no but yeah uh yeah so very sweet review and then here and then include a bunch of hobby lobby reviews and said this ready i'd like to also say right off the bat that i'm very anti-hobby lobby being a queer lunatic left-wing liberal loser i haven't been in a hobby lobby in over a year since i've been caught stealing and if I go back I'll probably get arrested goofy tongue stick out face oh well shit happens

oh my god what a life you've led so sending you love Beck thanks for writing in Beck what the hell is going on we're gonna start with this lovely lovely center we started this episode with a tornado a suicide

I really wanted to give a shout out there. It's really dark. I know. So here we go. Here's a one star. Here's a one star. Ready? This is a poem, and I'm going to try my best to read it as a poem,

but it doesn't work that well. Okay, one star. Joanne's is very sparse these days, so I braved this kitschy maze. I try to avoid this establishment because their politics are abhorrent. They have a lot of cotton prints and a myriad of yarn in colorful tints.

Staff are new, but eager and nice. I bought a bunch of fabric. My vice. Is this Fox? What? No. staff are new but eager and nice i bought a bunch of fabric my vice is this fox no i literally thought you were gonna surprise me yeah there's not enough penis puns i thought you weren't gonna tell me it was fox all along no worry just one more stanza okay a note to david and barbara green your shitty politics don't go unseen once joanne's replenishes their store i'll continue avoiding you forevermore. That's pretty beautiful.

End of review. Actually, I really like that. I was surprised at the number of people who were like, I'm only here because I have to be. And I'm like, you don't have any other craft stores? No, it's hard. I don't know. I used to go to Hobby Lobby regularly. This is before I really understood.

This is years ago. Regularly, this is like before I really understood this is years ago. But I would go because I'm like, oh, I need like thread for, I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Like there's not necessarily a Joanne's in your area or you need something framed. Not even like a local place though that has, I don't know. No, it's really hard. Otherwise you have to go on Amazon and it's like, well. Yeah, yeah.

Then you have to wait a few days and also then it's Amazon. So what's the big fucking trade off? I don't know um i get it it i don't know as a craft girly myself okay okay um i can understand the appeal of a hobby lobby and you know i mean it sounds terrible to go there like that's what i'm saying i'm like shocked that like it's a fun place to go if you if they didn't have their fucking dumb politics yeah but it's a delight it's like a michael though i know well but that's my point but you're saying you don't understand the enjoyment of going in there you're saying no i'm saying when people write these one-star reviews and they're like oh like the politics are absolutely abhorrent i spent so much money there i'm like holy shit like it's just

right it's like it feels like whiplash i'm like hello like yeah that doesn't you couldn't have waited till joanne's stocked up like i get it if it's your business and like if you're really reliable but like yeah even if you're a craft girly what like yeah find somewhere else yeah i'm saying i understand the the like bummer of having to pull yourself away from a place that you enjoy i understand that but i don't know absolutely leaving a one-star review is the equivalent of not supporting their business um okay i have a review of a hobby lobby in kansas city and this is a one-star review by mary okay first, let me say that I've been a shopper of Hobby Lobby for quite a few years now, and up until now, I was fairly pleased with most of the Hobby Lobby stores

that I visited. But this is my third Hobby Lobby visit, and I'm coming across something that is really disturbing. Now, when we go to a store to shop, we go in there because we are looking for something specific, something that we need or something that we desire. We go in pretty much knowing what it is we're looking for, and we go to the store that we think has the best chance of having what we're looking for. I was in the area and decided to stop at this Hobby Lobby because Easter is coming up on us, and I am a Christian woman. Hobby Lobby is a well-known faith-based store there for my desire to purchase resurrection decor for my home for the Easter holiday is very high on my list. Now, I previously visited two other Hobby Lobby stores in different

locations and came away very frustrated for the same reason that I'm writing this review on this location. I found the perfect home decor item to truly represent what this Easter holiday means to me. I found it after not finding it in many other Hobby Lobby stores, so purchasing it was very important to me. Signs in the store said 40% off, 40% off all home decor items. I get to the register and the cashier tells me, no, this is not on sale. I said, how can that be when your sign says all home decor, is not on sale. I said, how can that be when your sign says all home decor 40% off? She looks at me and says, no, this is wall decor. That doesn't qualify as home decor. I said, how was that possible when you have to have walls to make it a home? She said, are you going to purchase it or not? I basically handed the decorated resurrection cross back to her and said, well, considering your attitude,

I think you need this more than I do. And I left. It's bad enough to be a faith-based organization. And most of your items in your store hardly represent what you say you stand for. I had to shop for an hour before I found one resurrection item for Easter. Considering that Christ is what Easter is all about in the first place. I had to dig through bunnies and Easter eggs and all kinds of spring items to find one

resurrection cross, and then to go up there to the counter and find that all of the bunnies and Easter eggs were on sale, but the cross was not on sale, and then I got to deal with the attitude on top of that, needless to say, Hobby Lobby has lost me as a customer. Not so much for the attitude, because you can catch that in any store anywhere, but more about the fact that I've been to four different Hobby Lobby locations looking for faith-based products and came up extremely short. I am convinced that Hobby Lobby is moving away from what their foundation is and what their faith-based belief is and moving towards secularism. Lightning strikes. Oh my gosh. They seem to be catering more to the general public and forgetting that some of us out here would like our faith in Christ

to be represented more. I will not be back. End of review. It's wild that this these people exist that hobby lobby is not enough man that's so wild are you talking about i went there once for christmas cards just like i wanted like cheap plain like yeah happy holidays like to send people every there was not a single card that was like happy holidays or like non-christmas and i remember specifically because i have so many jewish friends i was like i want to i want just like a season's greetings or happy holidays or winter is here whatever i even saw reviews where people were like this is a very like jewish community and there wasn't any not a single anything for hanukkah no no no and i was like like that's wild there wasn't even a winter.

Like, there was not a single card that was not about either Christ and the nativity or Christmas specifically and how holy it is. So I don't know what Hobby Lobby she's frequenting in fucking Kansas or Missouri.

That's amazing. But apparently, I remember, and that was at the LA one up in Bourbon yeah yeah yeah so like I don't know

where you'd expect like yeah oh my gosh anyway it to be more secular you'd think um here's a two star review

of uh of uh Hobby Lobby this one's in Novi, Michigan N-O-V-I two stars lots of craft supplies but way too religious.

A cashier should never say, praise the Lord. Keep your religion to yourself. I will not be back again. End of review. I like that they're like, no, it's in my training manual. I have to say it. That's what's so funny is like, imagine not realizing how it is. I'm sure so many people have stories of like not knowing how Christian Hobby Lobby is.

And then you go in, you're like, where the fuck am I? Yeah, me. Because you expect it to be either a hobby shop or a craft store. Okay, but it is. That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying it's not, but like generally you go to a hobby shop and you don't see all the fucking like religious stuff. And like God is good stuff all over the place. Yeah, that's true.

Like you generally, that's not like the main thing you see. And it's been so long that I've been that I'm like, maybe I have a skewed perspective. But I used to go and not ever see anything. Yeah. What was that? Either thunder or fireworks. It's happening. Either God is very happy or very mad.

No, I remember going in there quite a lot and not ever noticing the christian stuff yeah ever yeah so i don't think it's necessarily like you get bombarded i think we talked about this very recently um i don't know if it was county fairs oh that we think it's normal we a lot of what we think is normal because of our upbringing yeah that just isn't normal it's like more jarring to people who maybe didn't get raised with crosses everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah.

I don't know. But to be fair, I say praise the Lord, and I don't mean it in a religious way. Sure. I say Lord have mercy. Maybe they dropped their iPhone, and they were like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And then they turned it around. They were like, oh, praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.

This thing is broken. Get your religion out of here, you cashier. By the way, did I ever say that was from Matt? I just took credit for that. You didn't say that was from Matt. I'm sorry, Matt. That was from Matt. Oh, praise the Lord.

This is from Taylor. It is a two-star review by a local guide. This is by Brian. Not much hobby stuff. Mostly frames expensive ones we call it lame frames hobby lobby i love it more like lame frames am i right end of review such a stupid one what a winner i love it lame frames i love it that is stupid. I feel like I would go to a store called lame frames just because it rhymes and it's funny. I don't know. Oh, I just got a notification that Reds hit a home run.

That must've been what that was. Oh, thank God. I thought that we were being cemented. So don't worry. Don't worry. Yeah, I was worried. I thought it was thunder and I was like, could that have been like, that seemed pretty intense. Anyway, Reds hit a home run. Go, I was worried. I thought it was thunder. And I was like, could that have been? Like, that seemed pretty intense. Anyway, Reds hit a home run.

Go Reds. Okay. Here, my next one is also from Matt Heham. Sorry, Matt. You're getting your credit now. This is another hobby lobby, but this is in White Lake Charter Township, Michigan. Okay. Five stars.

This is my go-to store when shopping with abdominal gas oh the aisles are designed perfectly to muffle the sound thanks hobby lobby for having customer flatulence concerns in mind when designing your aisles end of review they're like no birth control for our employees but ample space for flatulence yep hey uh you know what respect respect maybe i gotta go back to hobby lobby i was gonna say that no that's that's it that's all it takes i could get behind that as a reason to go give me a place to fart and i will go to your business no matter what your views are but was it you or somebody was telling me when you like that thing when you go into tj maxx is like an actual real thing the the barnes

noble thing yeah of like yeah that's a real psychological thing yeah i mean it's a thing people talk about so i guess it's real okay maybe with someone else i think someone emailed about some i think a japanese there's a japanese word for it or something like that's a thing maybe that's what this is what it is all about a hobby lobby too there's a thing. Oh, yeah. Okay. Maybe this is what it's all about, Hobby Lobby 2. There's a new trend. Fart in the Hobby Lobby. Let's start it today. Yeah, it's the Mariko Aoki phenomenon.

Oh, it is a phenomenon. It's a Japanese expression referring to a sudden urge to defecate that is felt upon entering bookstores. What the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck yeah so it is uh there are some who are skeptical and it's sometimes discussed as like an urban myth but like uh so there because there's no like so yes it's a thing but like is it a scientific thing no not necessarily i don't know yes but there are some hypotheses about the smell of paper or ink having a having an effect. But then what about TJ Maxx?

Or like the connection of like, like reading on the toilet, you know? Okay. I always heard about it at TJ Maxx. So I'm like, what is that about? That is a you thing. No, it's not. It's all over TikTok. Okay.

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I have an email from Maya and I need you to listen because we have another. I'll think about it. Tragedy. Maya says, I recently got into my first car accident. Oh, jeez. Like, I don't know what's going accident. Oh, jeez. Like, I don't know what's going on today. These emails are all getting really dark. Thankfully, no one was harmed. Since then, I've been listening to your podcast to make myself feel better.

While bored one day, I came across this review of the Hobby Lobby in my town. By the way, this was sent like before this was even a topic. So it just happened to be combined with a tragedy also, or not tragedy, but like a scary event an incident an incident thank you for reading and thank you for helping me get back to my normal self welcome so here is a two-star review by jay not a man's store at all unless you have to help the wife. Even then, you should probably wear a disguise so friends can't ridicule your poor judgment of going in. If caught inside, just say your wife cried and melted all your resolve so you had to accompany her. Only then will your man card not be taken away.

End of review. Oh man, that's toxic. I hated that so much. He's just farting around in the lobby lobby like i'm doing it for the wife my god imagine being that fragile that you like he probably picked up one of those plywood signs this is a happy wife happy life he's like they get it yeah it's all rustic or it's like i well is that one what's that one that's in our home or in like where at mom's house about like no whining no fishing no it was like i traded my wife or traded a oh my god yes a boat for my where i got a boat for my wife it was

a great trade or something bullshit like i don't know this is so stupid like so many of those stupid like wife bad country things at places like hobby lobby oh lordy lordy like i want yes i mean yes i don't have anything to add except yes yes happy wife happy life oh my god imagine not going to hobby lobby just because you're afraid of your man card being taken it's so weird it's a weird weird thing it's like who do people really care i don't i like like are there people who genuinely care that much about being seen in a place like a hobby lobby yes i think so but like what i'm wondering are are the people that they think care are those people right do those people like is anyone actually judging a man for going into a hobby

i mean i guess he would like that's the thing yeah I guess it's just the people who must have his own yeah yeah weird weird weird weird 11 months ago as of the time this was emailed so it's not even like that old my next one is of uh Hobby Lobby on Long Island looks like near Amityville um here's a one review. This is of my own discovery, so I don't have to give credit to anyone. Oh, good. One star. This Hobby Lobby used to be my favorite store to shop at. The workers were very friendly and courteous.

Recently, they've had a change in uniform to these blue polos, and I've lost all respect for the company. It makes me feel as if management doesn't care about the appearance of their employees. It honestly offends me every time I walk in now. If I wanted to see clowns dressed in blue, I would have gone to the circus. End of review. What? I have no idea.

What the fuck? I have no fucking idea. Oh my god. I have no idea. What did they wear before? I don't know. I don no idea. What did they wear before? I don't know. I don't know. They, what?

I don't know. I'm like so taken aback by this. So they're so upset that they're wearing blue. This is like the time, we've gotten a few emails of this one review where the woman said, I hate the color yellow. That's why I'm rating it one stars to see less yellow. Yeah. And it's like, are you okay?

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It makes me think the management doesn't care what their employees look like. First of all, I hope so. And everything I looked up, it's all blue. Like, I don't know. I can't find like an old Hobby Lobby.

Like, maybe that was a different color. I wouldn't know. But like when you search Hobby Lobby polo, like which is what they wear, like their uniform, it's all blue. Bizarre. That's not a weird thing. No. I don't understand. I don't know.

Maybe they didn't have a uniform before and so now she's all like upset. Oh, maybe that's what it is. Oh. I guess, but like, if a company is controlling whether or not you can have an IUD, then like, of course, they're going to tell you what color polo to wear. I don't see how this is like shocking at all. No, that's not. Yeah. Like, it's just bizarre that you'd get so upset about that and nothing else.

I don't know. And for no reason other than you don't like how it looks. Yeah. And like they have rules about like covering tattoos, about like wearing like, yeah. So they're very conservative with their rules. I don't know if that still exists, that at least used to be a thing.

And I love how it's like the color blue, like is there like- Too far. Is the thing that makes them so upset. They live on Long Island. It's not like they're like- I don't get it makes them so upset they live on long island it's not like they're like i don't get it i don't know somebody explain it to me please uh this was sent in by abigail they them and it's of a hobby lobby in austin texas now this is a one-star view but i would like for us to play redemption music under it because I consider it a redemption. One Star by Leighton. Hell is real, but

at least it's closed on Sundays. End of review. That's true. There you go. That was my last one. They're all closed on Sundays, right? I did see that as a thing. I don't know. I just assume because Chick-fil-A is, but also Hobby Lobby is. It fits. It fits. I did see that as a thing. So I just assume because Chick-fil-A is that also it fits,

you know, it fits. Okay. That was your last one. I've got a couple more. I think two more. Um, yes,

I have two more. Uh, this next one is of a hobby lobby in Virginia beach, Virginia, one star. I should wait to write this, but I'm very angry. I buy 40 plus boxes of Morning Glory fiber fill every year. It's been $19.99.

I use my coupon, $12 or so out the door. Today, I go in and it now has a yellow sticker for $14.99. Because of the yellow sticker, I can't use my coupon. This is my business. My customers are already upset enough over shipping charges. Now I have to raise prices again because I will have to pay $3 more per box. I get it. Prices go up, but don't send me to the register with a sale item that now costs more than it used to. That was insulting. So Hobby Lobby loses another customer because I will just shop online and get it from a different supplier. Not only did the cashier have to put up with my attitude, but because Hobby Lobby's shenanigans send customers to the web, she could very well find herself another victim of the retail apocalypse.

Oh my god, oh my god, I say it ain't so. I don't get it. I'm like, like, I get it, but I understand, hey, I will leave the shitty review or my online complaints will make her a victim of the retail apocalypse? I don't understand. I don't either. But also, isn't it only $2 different? Or did I mishear that? So, OK.

$12.99, she used to pay. I buy 40 plus boxes, though. So overall, so it's per box. I know, but she said $3 more. And I'm like like isn't it too how much per box now it's 14.90 so 15 14.99 it was 12 oh no dollars they didn't say 12.99 okay three dollars more okay gotcha so yeah three dollars more per box of uh morning glory fiber Of Morning Glory Fiber Fill. Is that for pillows? It looks for dolls and stuff.

And it looks like stuffed animals, pillows, other home essentials. It's like the polyester fiber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Polyester fill. Yeah. So, I mean, listen, at Walmart it's 18 bucks. So I think they're still getting a good fucking deal. Joanne, it's 16.49.

Oh, that's polyfill. I don't know. Anyway, that was a big theme was like all the different sales and stuff. And what's wild is they don't use barcodes at Hobby Lobby. Yeah, they type it in. So you have to, and they also have to memorize all these sales. I'm sure they have a cheat sheet type thing. But like, it must be terrible to work there for many.

Don't say the C word. They can't say that. What? Which one did I use? Cheat. I said that? Oh, a cheat sheet. Yes, I did say that.

It goes against the Bible. I'm pretty sure. That's true. That's true. There's no way they'd allow them to have a cheat, a sheet allowing them to cheat on anything. Okay. So I've got one more. Okay.

This is of a Hobby Lobby in Boca Raton Florida this is a one star review staff is depressed and literally told me that management is a blight among the workplace

end of review is that the same person? no but could you imagine the employees were literally like know but could you imagine if the employees were literally like oh how do you feel about or this customer was like how do you feel about um management oh they're a blight among the workplace yeah also somebody asked me if i worked at a store and they're like how do you feel about management i'm like are you management are you a secret shopper why are you asking me that question who would say a blight what a stupid question why would

you use that phrase ever that word ever i feel like it's something we would say and then never remember that we said it yeah but like probably in a very specific context yes we wouldn't be like i don't know how is it working for your network oh they are a blight upon you know like i don't we're gonna get roped into the retail apocalypse any day now or whatever they said yeah what the fuck is that you know what i'm terrified of that i'm serious right now this is gonna sound like i'm being facetious i'm not i wonder if it's like the the the proximity to christianity like a blight an apocalypse like the rapture. Like, I don't know. I wonder if that kind of talk is because people who love this store are like kind of those end of days. Sometimes.

Might be. Evangelical. I don't know. I don't know. It conjures up those kinds of thoughts and feelings. Some very apocalyptic thoughts. Maybe that's what the blue was all about. Like your local Hobby Lobby.

True. Maybe the blue was like. Some local hobby lobby maybe the blue was like some weird biblical that's the color of the water that was that drowned no nozark oh i guess it didn't drown nozark no that's the whole point it drowned everyone else so we could have a a pure new race who let the cockroaches on his family um who let the good question i i think they i think they just found their own way on there. Probably. My challenge was from our friend Logan, who's no longer my friend because the challenge was to find reviews with the word daddy in them. Nice.

So the first one I have was sent in by Shauna Sheher, who I think you read an email from Shauna. Oh, I did have a Shauna last episode, I think. Last episode. And this is of the Ryland Inn. This is a three-star review by mr ocho oh no and his picture is a dog with sunglasses on yes oh yes and the title is a hard fall from number one oh did i say what it was of yeah the ryland Inn. This was my first time back since chef Craig Shelton ran the place into the ground several years ago. Once rated the number one restaurant in New Jersey, it fell on its own sword. I don't think that's what that means, by the way.

I think that means you sacrificed yourself. That doesn't make sense. Maybe they were hoisted by their own petard. What the fuck? Which I also don't know what that means, but that feels right here. What the fuck? Don't look it up. Okay.

Then ruin it. I did get some info from some friends who went there, but went with an open mind. Upon entering, we were graciously greeted and led to the reception's table. A nice touch and well played. As my wife and I walked through the very well-appointed bar, we noticed a bar bird preening her man just a tad over the top. As the night went on, it got worse. The dining area was relatively small and more than half empty on this Wednesday night. After being seated, we were greeted by someone in a suit who asked if we wanted any wine. We said no, and he walked

away. Interesting, because I wanted a martini, but he had no interest in asking if I wanted anything else. Eventually I was able to grab his attention and asked for the Belvedere dirty olive martini with blue cheese stuffed olives. The martini came with a very thin layer of ice on top, which is hard to get, so kudos, go to the bar. What I found interesting is that there was no charge for additional stuffed olives, but they added three dollars for the drink to be up. They also offered stuffed olives with truffles, which sounded very expensive. When the menus arrived, they were somewhat dysfunctional. The use of corner tabs, retro 1970s, to hold a menu page just did not work as most of the pages fell out.

They started us with some small rolls and a complimentary. Oh my God. Oh my God, how gross this is. They started us with some small rolls and a complimentary pea and salmon smoothie. Excuse me? Yeah, that better be complimentary. Who the fuck is paying for that? Ian Salmon Smith.

That's disgusting. That's the grossest thing ever. Why does he say that like it's so normal? Like, am I just living in another world? Like, is this just a world that exists that where all this is normal? Like, even as they were describing the martini, I was like, I will never experience whatever this person is experiencing. And then they say pea and salmon smoothie. So gross.

Just to note, there are peas all over the menu. At least he didn't say there is peel. That's true. That really, the tense really changes it. Just to note, there are peas all over the menu. I guess it's sort of their thing. It was complemented with watercress and a piece of salmon, which basically tasted like smoked pea soup. From there, we had the mixed salad, $12, and surf clam appetizer, $17. Both were tasty, but a bit overpriced. My wife ordered the salmon and I

ordered the tilefish. The sizes of both pieces exceeded our expectations and were very good. We decided not to have coffee or dessert because of the time. My overall assessment was that this was no longer the number one restaurant in New Jersey and is too stuffy for its own self. Our waiter was stiff and not very engaged and he never asked us if our food was good. As we left, no one said thank you or asked us to come back. We also noticed that the barfly at the bar was being even more aggressive with her sugar daddy. Yuck.

As far as I'm concerned, it was not a problem because I will not be back. As I drove away in my MBW and my $25,000 Rolex, I can only laugh at the stuffiness of this place. Is this a joke? Like, I'm so confused. He has a habit of accidentally writing one word before the next one. Oh, okay.

Like, instead of a barfly earlier, he wrote, like, barfly a. So when he wrote MBW, it meant BMW. Yeah, well, yeah. But like still, even if they had written BMW, I'd be like, is this a joke? Okay, that's fair. Like when they're talking about the price of their Rolex, like what? As I drove away in my MBW and my 25K Rolex, I could only laugh at the stuffiness of this place. Hasta la vista.

My prediction is that they will be out of business by 2014. End of review. We got an hasta la vista and a daddy in the same review. We are blessed. We also got a Mr. Ocho. Yeah, fair. Those are few and far between. That was something else.

Yeah, so thank you, Shauna, between. That was something else. Yeah. So thank you, Shauna, for that. I kind of hope this place closed down. That sounds terrible. I shouldn't say that. It does sound terrible. Okay, I say a lot of probably worse things. Nah, yeah.

I'm just like, man, I'm never going to stop imagining that pea and salmon smoothie. It's horrible. Why is that not the focus? I assume it wasn't served as a smoothie. Like the way they described it was like, okay, it's like split pea soup or something. I don't know. I don't know. It sounds horrible.

Never mind. I don't know why I brought it up again. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294.

Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH- ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today This is also from Shauna, and it is a five-star review from Amazon.

It's of Johnson's Baby Oil. Okay. Okay. I'm ready. I've had three children, and it wasn't until my third that my friend recommended Johnson's Baby Oil to massage my infant daughter with before bedtime to help with falling asleep. It helped so much that I started paying attention to the other uses for it and now have a bottle in my shower, as well as next to my bed for some mommy and daddy time.

Wink face. End of review. That is like, to me, this sounds so judgmental maybe i'm so sorry but grosser than all the smut reviews we read last episode like i don't know why but the mommy and daddy it's like makes you want to vomit it does that makes my skin it makes me want to vomit like i feel like i'm still a child like don't talk like that like the way i see it's the same shit we were talking about how people draw the line at swearing yeah my line i'm not saying it's logical i'm not saying it's it's it's good but that's where i'm drawing a line like that and the wink emoji after mommy and daddy like it makes me want to have sex on the

altar the eucharistic table or whatever use Use the chrism oil for anal sex. I don't care. That doesn't please me. Just don't bring up your children and your use of the... It just... No, thank you. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable. So this one was sent in by Sarah, and I freaking love this one.

Oh, not Sarah. Okay. I love Sarah too. Sarah said, one of my third grade students brought a stuffed broccoli to school and I was intrigued. I asked where he got it and he showed me the tag. Going through all the stuffed animals on the website led me to this. Wow.

Okay. I love a good backstory. Right? For like stumbling upon a review. Seriously. And it's of, let me see if I can find the link. It's of a little asparagus. And it's of, let me see if I can find the link. It's of a little asparagus guy and he's so cute.

He's like a stuffed asparagus. Cute. I love it. It's a five-star review and actually there's two five-star reviews. I'll read the first one. Both mentioning daddy? Okay.

No, no. Sorry. This was sent like a long time ago. Okay. But one happens too. So one does and one does not. This was sent like a long time ago. Okay. But one happens. So one does and one does not. So this is like a two for one. The title is Doing God's Work.

My name is Elle and I've been through a tough life. Me and my husband recently took the tough decision to divorce and there's been a hole in my heart ever since. I thought of adopting, but I thought to myself, why adopt a child when you can adopt an asparagus? Yes! Yes! Yes! I love this. Okay, that makes me happy. He came to me handed by the angels of God themselves and is now snuggled up in bed with a hot chalk. Thank you, Jellycat, for introducing me to my son.

I love him. His name's Daddy Spaz. End of review. me to my son i love him his name's daddy spaz and i feel like what jellycat i feel like i know that brand yes because it's like every stuffed animal for kids is jellycat okay the odell you got her is jellycat the pink one you got her is jellycat oh multiple things from you alone that's why i was like huh do i have anything no i gifted leona you did you did and you might have them yourself i don't know um now this is just i i want to read the the next five star review and the title is a tasteful friend oh a beautiful member of the family taking him to my auntie's wedding next week and he can't wait he wants to be a bus driver but he has no legs lol

i have no idea what's going on um we need to do reviews of stuffed animals or something this is hilarious we did beanie babies next up didn't we stuffed animals yeah it sounds amazing because yeah people are so myself included so weird about stuff so weird like i will revert to oh my god a child i'll revert to such a fucking weirdo when i'm talking weird about stuffed animals so weird like i will revert to oh my god a child i'll revert to such a fucking weirdo when i'm talking about my stuffed animals 100 so yeah you know those reviews are gonna be good yes i think that i mean in the in the beanie babies alone we had like multiple coffins like it was you know i forgot no it was like so intense that i feel like we would find some wild stuff.

Like the princess die bear being buried with, yes. Oh my goodness. There was some really dark stuff in that too. All right. Wow. Anyway. Anyway, the next one I have is of a place on Yelp called Best Buzz Hookah. And this is a five-star view.

This one I discovered, unfortunately, and it is by Hannah. Here we go. Best Buzz Hookah is the place to be for all your hookah needs. I found this gem via Yelp. Customer service is hands down to Hussain and his dad, Khalid.

Well, I call him Daddy. I hope he's okay with that. worst part is that like because i had searched daddy trying to find it's highlighted or it's bolded every time it's mentioned and it's multiple times 1 900 kindle readers highlighted this section well i, yeah. Well, I call him Daddy. LOL. I came here last Thursday and was assisted by Hussain, recommended some good accessories and flavors to match my pan ras

for my hookah. I came back again last night and Khalid assisted me. I called him Daddy because I did not know his name at first. I stayed in their store for like three hours and took my time

because I was having so much fun. People from all over the East Coast literally just come here to get the good stuff from the store. I came all the way from New Hampshire and one from Boston. I really came to the right spot. That's so awesome. They have superb customer service. I came here to buy my second hookah and some extra hose. Daddy Khalid taught me some nifty tips on hookah 101 since I'm still a novice. He set up his hookah and started smoking and letting me try a mix I've never tried before. He said, so now will you smoke pond Ross? The mix was way more smooth than my favorite mix, which is, I don't know what any of this shit is. I have no idea what's going on.

I don't know. I want to hear what Daddy Khalid has to say. They even got me coffee and knew I was really feeling at home at the store. LOL, these guys really know their products really well. I'm so honest that they would tell you that you really don't need that product. I highly appreciate their warm personality and how they treat their customers. No wonder people come here and drive for hours just to get their stocks. It's a real gem for all the hookah lovers out there. It's a must to check out this place. It's highly recommended and I'm sure to come back to get my supplies from Best Buzz. Wow, nice.

I'm just like, I call him Daddy because I didn't know his name. Okay, there's other ways around that. There are. You do not have to call people Daddy. You can say, hey, what's your name? Or you can say Sir. And then find out the name in the end apparently. Yeah, Daddy Khalid. So like, that's the thing. It's like you can say find out the name in the end apparently yeah daddy khalid so like that's the thing it was like you can stop calling him daddy now well that's his given name that's his oh okay so she like this person guessed correctly yeah amazing i know wow um i can't believe how much i managed to sidestep the hookah i mean i'm there's still hookah places thriving that were there when what do you mean like i've never been in a hookah place i've never done the hookah. I mean, there are still hookah places thriving that were there when...

What do you mean? Like, I've never been in a hookah place. I've never done anything hookah related. But it was such a thing. When? Where? What do you mean? When all the... What are you talking about right now?

Hookah. What about it? When there was a whole thing where all these hookah places opened up in Cincinnati and it was a whole fucking thing and everyone went to hookah. I thought it was still a big thing. I guess not. I don't think it's nearly in Cincinnati and it was a whole fucking thing. Oh, I just thought. And everyone went to hookah. I thought it was still a big thing. I guess not.

I don't think it's nearly as big as it was. Oh, is it like when cupcakes became a really big thing? Yeah, I guess. And then, I don't know. I don't know if that's similar, but never mind. Okay. I mean, I've been to hookah before in France. Okay.

Wow. Oh, you were in France. That's why. I got it. I didn't have a choice because you're we were yeah i know i had that exchange program and i was like i don't want to smoke this and they were like too bad yeah i said daddy no i regret that i just was thinking in the sense of like cincinnati and hookah like culture within the u.s m's way big into hookah yeah it's i know

it's still a thing i'm not saying it's not but like it burst onto the scene in cincinnati and maybe it's because cincinnati is so far behind on everything it could be that's true but like yeah i mean that was written in 2016 so maybe maybe that was during the height of the craze. Okay, so this is a five-star review from TripAdvisor. It is a review of the Colosseum, the Roman Forum, and Palatine Hill. Oh. The title is Your Guide Slash Stepdad for Three Hours. Excellent guided tour. Easy booking.

Excellent information on where to meet. Our guide asked us to call him Daddy. He was very informative, had great stories, and was very entertaining. Not to mention easy on the eyes. Think about it. What? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Think about what? I don't know. I don't like that. Imagine being on the floor of the Coliseum and this tour guide's like, oh, please, not Brian. Call me Daddy. Call me Daddy. What? We enjoyed it so much and would encourage anyone to book this trip.

Okay. End of review. Think about it. Think about it. What does that mean? I hate it. I hate it. I don't know why that got to me.

It gets worse. Here's a five-star review of the Riviera Elite Private Yacht Tours. The title is daddy say so and this is a review of five-hour private 38-foot luxury catamaran two-stop tour with food open bar and snorkeling okay i got very confused when there was a length involved that's a boat okay 38-foot catamaran. Yeah. Daddy, a.k.a. Aldo, told me to say the more you call him Daddy, the better the tour will be. Jesus Christ. I'm going to say that on our next live show. No.

The more you call me Daddy, the better the show gets. Yeah, because I'll leave and then it'll be a solo show. Exactly. It'll be the best possible. exactly it'll be the best possible but for reals abe alan and felipe are all amazing too we got back safely and had a wild time the drinks just kept flowing and there's a response from owner from daddy from daddy now this is a fantastic review thank you for your recommendation kind Indeed, we bring everything you need for a fantastic day on the water. Daddy Aldo and our fun crew is always ready

to provide the best service. Don't hesitate to reach us on your next visit to this little piece of paradise. Wow. I hate it. I hate it. I don't get it. I feel like people love that weirdness. I don't know. Like, clearly people lean into it and are like, oh yeah. I don't get it i feel like people love that weirdness i don't know they're like clearly people lean into it and they're like oh yeah i don't know i think i'm just anyway this is you're not

gonna be on a 36 foot catamaran anytime soon anyways oh don't remind me i want to be really what you want on a yacht somewhere no not really um this is a review of a chick-fil-a in skokie illinois and i just there we go that's that's more our speed review of a Chick-fil-A in Skokie, Illinois. And I just wrote. There we go. That's more our speed. Except for the Chick-fil-A part. And I wrote help, which I don't remember what this is. But I wrote help, which means it can't be good. No. This is my last one.

Oh, God. It's a four star. It's like so unhinged and like so mentally ill all of this okay ready four stars ready this is by peach p oh peach p smoothie or there's p all over this chick-fil-a four stars i woke up bright and earring this morning with a hankering for a crispy chicken sandwich and waffle fries. What better place to satisfy my craving than Chick-fil-A? So I got in my car and drove to the nearest location. When I walked through the doors, I was slapped with the sweet smell of chicken and I walked to the register to order my food. I was wearing my typical everyday

outfit of rainbow suspenders and knee-high pride socks, as you do, and the worker reluctantly looked at me up and down before politely asking me to follow her to the back for free samples. Oh boy, this was an offer I simply couldn't refuse. She led me into the kitchen and locked the door behind her. Strange, I thought, but perhaps she didn't want anyone to know that she was giving out food for free. Suddenly, a group of Chick-fil-A uniformed employees jumped out at me, and I figured they were simply excited to give me a taste of their latest product. But I was wrong.

They grabbed me and led me to the furthest door in the kitchen, leading to a dark room. Wow, this really must be some top secret recipe. They threw me into the room, and a large hairy man in a Chick-fil-A uniform tied me to a chair with my own suspenders and gagged me with a spicy chicken sandwich. Ooh, kinky. Mr. Chick was his name, but I call him Daddy. Daddy didn't like that very much. All the employees circled around me and began to chant a strange ritual before dousing me in holy water. I suppose I did need something to wash that sandwich down.

What do you mean I wasn't supposed to eat it? Daddy shoved another sandwich down my throat and grabbed me from the chair before throwing me back into the kitchen. Yes, Daddy, I screamed. He immediately threw me into a vat of batter. Whatever you want, Daddy. Once I was fully submerged, I was thrown into the fryer. I was beginning to think something was off. This wasn't just a free sample.

I was beginning to think that something was off. This wasn't just a free sample. I am the free sample. But I complied. I didn't want to make daddy angry, and I always knew that I'm a snack. I was thrown into the fryer. Is it getting hot in here? Oh no, it's

just me. Wink. I winked at Daddy. He closed the fryer lid. Playing hard to get, huh? Finally I was removed from the fryer when I was nice and crispy. Is that how you like it, Daddy? And I proceeded to be chopped and prepared. I am writing this review as a chicken sandwich. End of review.

So stupid. What a finale. I need you to know that I went to great lengths to find this because all I could see in the preview I know what you're talking about. Yeah? Yes. All I could see was Mr. Chick was his name but I call him Daddy. And I'm like

what the fuck is that i need to have to find i was digging through the annals of yelp like trying to find so frustrating and it was of course a hidden review and like oh my gosh so when i found it i was like this is what it was this whole fucking time like some insane fan fiction it's pretty insane i love it anyway amazing that's it finale one person found it. Anyway. Amazing. That's it. What a finale. One person found it helpful and one person said, love this. Love this. Oh, I did not know where that was going.

Me neither. And I'm glad it went where it did. I'm glad. I'm going to say it. I knew you would enjoy it. So I kept it for last. Thank you. So Logan, I hope you're happy.

Does Logan even listen to our podcast? I don't know. Nick does at least. Yeah, Nick listens. Nick, tell Logan we're no longer friends. That's so exciting though. Okay. What a good finale.

What a time to be alive. Oh, Mr. Chick. Mr. Chick. I love it. It's like, he didn't like that. I call him Daddy. Daddy didn't like that or something. Daddy didn't like that.

I call him Daddy, but Daddy doesn't like when I call him. What the fuck? It's so funny. Anyway, I hated all of it, so thanks a lot. Good job. Goodbye, everybody. All right, see y'all. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production.

Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.