Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 247: Reviews of Haunted Hotels

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Fun fact: hot springs in Arkansas are an aphrodisiac! Check out our new merch store! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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like two grand worth of ink prints me over 7700 color pages mega tank mega what listen to the voice in your head and get a canon mega tank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time. Visit canon.ca slash Megatank for details. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. alexander's so pissy right now i'm not happy so pissy i'm so upset oh it's cracking me up i'm so glad we're having more technical difficulties i'm sweating um it's grumpy it's a new day uh but we're still having a miserable day. Yeah, we still apparently don't know what we're doing.

That's fun. So welcome to our show. We're going to try and hope this one works out. This is reviews of haunted hotels today. Yes, it is. I totally knew that. I actually did. I swear.

I'm ready. You want to go first? Why are you faking sarcasm? Am I? I'm not trying to. That's too many layers for me right now. Okay, so reviews of haunted hotels. And apparently Maddie, who suggested the topic, just went to Eureka Springs in Arkansas. Cool. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Wait, we talked about that, didn't we? Because we did Hot Springs. Didn't we do Hot Springs in Arkansas? No, that can't be right. That can't be right. Really? No, it can be. That's why I'm looking at you.

Oh, I'm Googling. You know, when I search that, nothing comes up. Why am I thinking we did an episode called Hot Springs in Arkansas? Because you're in a certain headspace today. Yeah. I hope it's entertaining for some people. I don't think so. It will be.

Just fucking lie to them so they keep listening. Okay. That don't work. We did breweries in little rock it's pretty much the same thing so it's like little rock uh eureka springs same difference it's a rock it's a spring i feel like i've talked about the fact that arkansas has a lot of hot springs though i think you're pushing it now they do okay so this is a one-star review. I believe this is of the Crescent Hotel in Eureka Springs, which- The Maddie one, or Maddie's thing.

Yeah, yeah. And Emethy has covered that on, and that's where we drink. I'm an avid listener, so that must be- That must be where you heard it. Sometimes Oxenor has a parasocial relationship where he listens to my other podcast, but instead of a normal parasocial relationship, he thinks he's the one talking. Like he takes over M's role in his own mind. So sometimes I have to remind him like, oh, no, that wasn't you who said that.

It's true. That was M. Usually people say, oh, my friend said that. Oh, sorry. That was someone on the podcast. You're like, I said that. That's hilarious. Okay.

So this is of Eureka springs or the crescent hotel one star by camille this hotel was not at all as advertised we walked into the lobby full of drunk people making out falling out of their seats and throwing up everywhere all at the same time oh my god i thought you were serious no the hotel is obviously about to be condemned there is nothing in the rooms conserving amenities or directions around the hotel the elevators only carry about three people at a time and there are only two of them we would have been better off down the road in a hotel down the road that serves breakfast and is clean end of review. I just like them making out, falling out of their seats, and throwing up everywhere.

Did they say down the road multiple times or am I just hallucinating? I'm like so confused. I wanted to add more layers for you since you like them so much. I hate them. Yeah, that sounds like a, hey, it's hot springs in Arkansas. It's a famous aphrodisiac. That's right. That's what I learned. That's why I talk about it so much. You doac. That's right. That's what I learned.

That's why I talk about it so much. You do talk. Alexander, that was on that other podcast you listened to. I don't know which one it would be. Joe Rogan, I think, hosts it. Joe Rogan said that, not you, Alexander. Whoops. Thought it was me talking to his guest, the Hot Springs in Arkansas expert. Yeah.

Because it's my turn. I guess so. This one was sent in by Erin Sheher. This is of the Merchants Cafe and Saloon. This is in Seattle, Washington. And it's, oh, they have a little sign that says Seattle's oldest restaurant. And yes, you can stay there. It's not just a cafe and saloon.

I also have that sign. Seattle's oldest restaurant. You have it? Wow. Because you said they have a sign out front. So you're like, anyone can have that sign. I drank a CBD soda soda but i didn't know of all days to do this to me i didn't know it had dht in it until it was oh it was a cbd soda

that you thought only was cbd yeah i guess i bought a bunch of jungle gems and then this is like two episodes in a row where i'm painfully sober and today is the most painful day of all you've been the one acting high this whole time. I had like two 15-hour days in a row, and then I come here, and I'm like, fuck. Hardly paid or paidly? What? Hardly paid or paid hardly? Hardly?

Is that what you're going to say? Neither? Wait. Wait. I don't know neither none nothing here's a four-star review okay i'm better oh man okay four stars i didn't mean to do this to you i really didn't it's okay i wasating. It was just one 15 hour day. One was like 13, 13 actually. Yeah. Don't worry. I shouldn't complain. I'm fine. I got to sleep today a little bit. So here we go. Four stars. We stayed in the apartments of the merchant's cafe. We had quite the experience. The place itself was beautiful and the bar was great. Great drinks and service. At night, we experienced loud glass shattering noise to the extent that we

got up to see if someone was in our room. When we went to look, the sound stopped and there was nothing there. Upon other things, personal belongings had been moved to off places and doors were opened. Great place to visit, but 100% haunted. Left my boyfriend praying to leave us alone. Ha ha ha, Mochi. I was going to say, don't tell me she laughed at that. Oh my Lord, Elxuner. I like how basically this entire description is of a burglary.

Yeah. She's like, there's glass shattering. Our shit got moved around. It must be a ghost. The cabinets are open. Everything, there's glass shattering. Our shit got moved around. It must be a ghost. The cabinets are open. Everything, all our stuff was touched and gone through and moved. Yeah, it's really weird. My grandmother's pearls were moved to a strange place, but I still can't find them.

Yeah, I think you've been robbed. Yeah, sounds like it. I mean, I hope not. Although that would be a really upsetting ghost that makes you think you're getting burglarized. What a... Yeah, whatized. What a psychological... I feel like anything that a ghost does is pretty psychologically damaging. That's a fair point. But a poltergeist is known for moving stuff.

I'm aware, yeah. This would be a psychological thriller ghost. True. Yeah. So anyway, here's another one from Maddie of the crescent hotel in eureka springs one star by sarah we nipped in for a drink and the bar here has the distinction of having the very worst old-fashioned we've ever had we ordered a boulevardier That can't be right. Boulevardier. Probably Boulevardier. And I'm saying Boulevardier. That was embarrassing. Are you reading the can of your CBD THC thing?

I should have read the can. Oh yeah, true. Yeah, you definitely didn't. You're right. I definitely didn't read the can. We ordered a Boulevardier, which I'll admit is a little esoteric. But after five minutes, clearly esoteric. I can't even say it properly. How do they spell it? What? Is that how you say that word? I don't know.

This is the word. Yeah, esoteric. Doesn't that mean? I thought you said esoteric. Oh, I probably did. And I was like, like, esoteric. I was like, that sounds like a funny, like, esoteric. Like a weird.

Yeah. No, it's not funny. Actually really funny. Good idea. So. Isn't it esoteric? It's esoteric, like a weird... Yeah, that is... No, it's not funny. That is actually really funny. Take that idea. So... Isn't it esoteric? It's esoteric. Okay.

This is the first time in history I think... I know... And I'm so... That's why I'm not confident. I think it's esoteric. Because it's the first time in history I'm correcting your pronunciation of something. Let me see. Let me see.

Let me see. Esoteric. Are you... Oh, fucking Brit... Those British people... That's why I said it that way. That doesn't count. Esoteric. Esoteric. I kidding those british people that's why i said it that way that doesn't count esoteric i spent two days watch watching

downton abbey oh no you spent two days watching it like you binged it wait no you is there a series i don't know about or are you just re-watching chitty chitty bang bang for two days straight? They changed his name to Thomas Is this a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang reference I'm supposed to understand? Thomas the Tank Engine No, okay It's not a train, it's a car

I know So what I was trying to say is that you and I spent two days in london together and we went to chitty chitty that is true i didn't mean to say for the record for the record everybody we were children we were not like adults like let's go see nothing against chitty chitty bang bang but the way it, it's like, we had two days in London. Oh, what did you do? We saw Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Like, I feel like the head of Spotify just posted, like, pictures in London.

I can't even imagine. It's like, like, meeting and greeting and then going to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang by himself. Or with his sister. What are you talking about the head of Spotify? Wait, where did this come from? I'm just picturing people who post, glossy, like a high-end Instagram post. God, it's the head of Spotify. I don't know. He posted some, I don't even know who the hell Spotify is.

Wait, I'm like, who? Who are you talking about? Mr. Fi. Oh, Spotty. Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know if you had the distinction to call him that but yeah um anyway boulevardier this is still the same review esoteric but i spent two days in london with you so sometimes i say esoteric so I just wanted to explain why that happened. It makes so much sense.

And you and I did also go to France one time. I don't know what we watched there. You went to France one time? Yeah. Okay, yeah. It's our cousins. So that's sometimes why I slip into my French accent as well. I just wanted to explain it.

Okay. I've never heard you slip into that. That's what that is. it. Okay. I've never heard you slip into that. Boulevard, yay. That's what that is. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Wow. So here we go.

We had ordered a boulevardier, which I'll admit is a little esoteric. But after five minutes, our server told us, we don't think we can make that, man. So at his suggestion, we ordered an old fashioned. Make that, man. So at his suggestion, we ordered an old-fashioned. What came out was what I'm 99% sure was Jack Daniels and Sprite with fruit, a hunch solidified by the fact that when we suggested it may have missed the mark, the bartender blamed it on the CO2.

To be fair, he's not wrong, as an old-fashioned does not have anything that requires CO2 in it, but not in the way he assumed. Very swanky atmosphere. Sad Panda bartender. One out of five. Sad Panda. I've never, I haven't heard that in many years.

This was posted one year ago. So I was hoping you'd ask me what year this was written. Cause like sad Panda. That was a thing, but it was such a blip, right? It was a very quick blip. Sad Panda. I feel like it was such a blip, right? It was a very quick blip. Sad panda. I feel like it was like what you'd write in your like weird emo posts.

I don't know. Anyway, what is even happening? Okay, so they ordered this boulevardier. Boulevardier. And they couldn't make it. Because it's too esoteric. But they can make something similar. So then they said, yeah, so an old-fashioned, I guess, is similar.

So they were like, okay, fine. We'll have an old-fashioned. And then they said, but we're pretty sure what they brought us was Jack Daniels and Sprite with fruit. I don't know what an old-fashioned is. Oh, well, it's not supposed to have carbonation in it. Got it. Well, yeah, I feel like I got that with the CO2. I just wasn't positive. So yeah. So the bartender

was like, hmm, there must be something wrong with the CO2. And they're like, well, it shouldn't even have CO2. Got it. What a fucking how the nerve. Clever. So anyway, it's too bad they couldn't make a boulevardier. But this is at a

place called the Crescent Hotel It sounds fancy I think they should be putting the right ingredients in Let me see what a boulevardier is They missed the mark Whiskey, sweet vermouth, and Campari Okay, actually that is like a Negroni That's an old fact

That actually sounds great Except for the whiskey part Yeah, give me the Campari and Sweet vermouth Yeah, but if the Campari and sweet vermouth. Yeah, but if you add some gin, then you get a Negroni. Wow. That sounds so good right now. Oh, good.

Let's hope it doesn't have THC in it. Shut up, Elks and Herb. I'm so embarrassed. It's the first thing you said, so how embarrassed can you be? Because I felt like everyone could tell I got paranoia going on. Yeah, no, I feel that. I was like, shit. I could definitely tell. It was so obvious to me. I paranoia going on. Yeah, no, I feel that. I was like, shit. I could definitely tell.

It was so obvious to me. I actually had no idea. Okay, good. I was surprised you were being so stern with me earlier, and now I find out you had a CBD THC thing. I was being stern with you? Yeah. How?

Oh, Howard Stern. Sometimes I do that. There's this whole radio jockey bit that she does only when she's sober. Yeah, and so that's why you said I just don't understand she does only when she's sober. Yeah. And it was like. That's why you said, I just don't understand. You were. It made no sense. You were stern with me a minute ago.

It made no sense. I'm practicing. This is. Yeah. That's how. I'm practicing being sober while. They'd like trick me. So you know that would trick me.

So when you do your Howard Stern. Are you sure? Do you really not take it? It really sounds like you're on my wavelength, but that might be. I'm just dragging you down. You're dragging me down. Okay. I'm in the depths of my own despair cool and i somehow you drag me further anyway here's a five star review

sent in by izzy this is of the hotel del coronado uh in um san diego i saw it once i did i stay there that would be fun if i was like, oh, yeah? It's actually in Coronado, but I believe it's outside of San Diego. I have heard of it, though. It's very famous, haunted. Yes, it is. It is like... Oh, it's gorgeous.

Yeah, no, it's really nice. Oh, it's only... Oh, my God, wait. Stop. I never stayed there. Guess how much a room is. $666. Holy fuck.

Yeah, but 666. Oh, that's funny. I was like, Jesus. I couldn't get past that 600. Once you said 600, I was like, holy fuck. The worst part is that you know when they add taxes on, then your receipt won't even say 666. Yeah, so what's the point? It's like you have to make it like $628.52 and then-

Wow, good math. Thank you. When you have, wow well that's exactly right i because i then did the math of what hotel fees and taxes are in san diego what's a howard that um does math howard the duck no i don't know any howards howard i was being that person with probably howard from um better call saul okay yeah i was being sometimes from Howard Stern. Sometimes I'm Howard from Better Call Saul. You never know

what you're going to get. Probably more than Howard Stern. It's only when I'm not sober that I become Howard from Big Bang Theory. What is it called?

It's called Better Call Saul. Oh, yeah. I love that. It's not related to math at all. I just that's the only other Howard other than the duck that I could come up with.

Okay. Okay, here we go. Here's a five-star review of Hotel Del Coronado sent in by Izzy. I saw them thick ghost boys. End of review. You know that's also like a high schooler in San Diego. His friends like dared him to do it. It's so stupid.

Oh, lordy. Lordy, lordy. Well, lordy, lordy. Well, I have stayed in this hotel. You're almost 40. Hey, that's hurtful. This is of the Driscoll Hotel in Austin. Okay. Did you stay there?

It sounds familiar. Why? No. Because you came to a lot of my shows this past year, and I don't know which city. Oh, you stayed there? Yes, I just said it. I went to Austin. I did not stay in a haunted, presumably fancy hotel.

It is kind of fancy, but Em covered it in an old episode. So when we went for a live show, we had to stay there. But then everyone knew we would stay there because they were like, well, obviously, where else would they stay? And they were right. Okay, this is from Gabriela and it's of the Driscoll. So this is a three-star review by Ben. Who saw the picture of the terrifying little girl and felt something strange? End of review.

I don't know. Oh, God. Did you? You wish. I wish? What does that mean? You wish it was me. Oh, God. Did you? You wish. I wish? What does that mean? You wish it was me. That felt strange.

That felt strange. Yeah, I wish. Knock you down a peg or two, you know? There's a painting. There's paintings all over this place, but there's apparently a painting of like a portrait of a girl. Cool. Cool. Yeah.

It's not cool. I'm just saying why the review mentioned it. I mean, I figured that. I mean, I got that. I didn't think this review was making it up. Oh, you believe him? Yes. Okay.

I'm a believer. Just checking. I'm no skeptic when it comes to the paintings at the Driscoll Hotel in Austin, Texas. You know what? I don't. Tell me. I've always said that about you. Nobody ever believed me.

Now we finally have proof. So stupid. I have another one from Izzy. I'm probably higher than when we did our actual high episode. I'm happy for you. I'm sorry. Hey, look. I am very embarrassed. No, you shouldn actual high episode. I'm happy for you. I'm sorry. Hey, look. I am very embarrassed.

No, you shouldn't be. It was not the plan. You shouldn't be. And many people said, like, hey, like, y'all should do that more often. People have said that. Okay, well, report back, everyone. Yeah. Because I can make, I know.

Unless it's a negative thing. Don't let me know. Because I'm the only one that's going to read it. If there's crickets, then I'll never do this again. To be fair, this was an accident. Yeah, just like last time. Last time was not an accident, and I regretted it. Oh, got it.

Okay, well, this is also from Izzy. This is of Washington Plaza Hotel. This is in Washington, D.C. This is a one-star review. My friend had a mouse in her room. I was eating candy from a candy dish on the table when a live roach and mouse droppings were found in the candy dish. It was all that I could do to not vomit.

End of review. That's not a candy dish. That's the mouse toilet. That's the rat toilet. Yeah, leave it alone. Well, it's funny you say that. Are you eating out of it? It's funny you say that about a candy dish. That's the mouse toilet. That's the rat toilet. Yeah, leave it alone. Well, it's funny you say that. Are you eating out of it? It's funny you say that about the candy dish because here is what Izzy has to say.

Izzy had an experience there. Uh-oh. Okay. Izzy was running through a room and tried to dive past a candy. Izzy was the mouse. That was what I was trying to say. Izzy, yeah. Izzy is a mouse. Yeah. Here is Iz's the mouse that was what i was trying to say is he yeah is he is a mouse yeah um here is is he the mouse's experience and because i'm sure christine will want to know the

story here's the short version we were staying in the washington plaza hotel with my dad who was on a business trip wait so is he wrote that review no oh okay I thought you were saying this is context for the review. No, no, no. Well, it actually weirdly is for just one small detail that you're really focused on. I got you. So it's actually perfect that you're hyper-focusing on a specific detail here. Okay. With my dad who was on a business trip, and at about 5 o'clock in the morning,

I woke up to see a man in a gray suit and a hat standing at the foot of my bed. I said, I just said foot of my dead. Uh-oh. The foot of my bed. I said, dad? Wait, what's my, I got to do a mouse voice. Dad? Stop.

I didn't mean to call Izzy a mouse. Oh, Stuart Little. So this is Hugh Laurie's. Isn't that the dad in Stuart Little? What the fuck? Hugh Laurie's standing at the foot of the bed. So they went little Hugh Laurie standing at the foot of the bed so they went Hugh Laurie I said Hugh Laurie

and he turned around and looked at me then walked into the bathroom and vanished I didn't close my eyes until my parents woke up I told my mom about it and she casually mentioned that she woke up our first night there to what looked like a very small child next to her watching her sleep you know what I just realized

this does not have the context i was talking about that must have been elsewhere in the email uh a small child next to her watching her sleep she swatted at them and her hand went through and then they were gone she was totally unbothered and chalked it up to her being half asleep which was fair um and at one point in the email as you said there was no candy dish in my room. Oh my God. Okay. I did. I was curious about that. And it was a note next to a link, but the link was wrong.

So the link was the same link as the one before. Like, you know, when you're copying multiple links, sometimes you don't get the copyright. And so thank goodness Izzy added that note because with that, I could easily find the review. I just searched for candy dish and I found what I assumed to be the review. So hopefully Izzy's not like, what the fuck? That wasn't the review I was talking about. I just wanted to let you know there was no candy dish.

There was no candy dish. So when you said a mouse toilet or whatever the fuck weird thing you said, I was like, yeah, maybe because Izzy said there wasn't. So Izzy didn't say. So yeah, maybe Izzy was using that toilet. Izzy didn't get upgraded to the full package with the kidney dish, the mouse toilet, all the accessories that you can add onto your stay. That sucks. A mouse not getting a toilet in their hotel room.

You got to bring your own. B-Y-O-M-T. Your own mouse toilet. For you. Small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin? Getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin for only $4 plus tax. For a limited time, only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin. At participating McDonald's in Canada, prices exclude delivery. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze.

And it felt a little like... Come on, kids. Back to the hotel room. Good night, kids. Good night, Mama. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. This is a review. This was sent in by Rachel Shideh, and this is of the Omni Mount Washington Resort,

which is in Mount Washington, New Hampshire. And this is a one-star review by Melissa M. I purchased a group on... M&M? The candy dish. It's all coming together. Melissa Mouse. It all makes sense.

It really does. When you really think about it more than you should, it makes so much sense. I really am thinking about it more than I should. I know you are. Melissa wrote, I purchased a Groupon for this hotel and was 110% positive it was the hotel I had originally wanted to go to. It was not. I finally realized it was the wrong hotel about one second into turning into their parking lot.

I had it confused with the Eastern Slopes Inn a good 40 miles away. It doesn't even have the same name. How do you do that? I don't know. And how do you get all the way to the point of being in the parking lot before you're like, huh, this doesn't look right. Like you must've typed it into GPS. Yeah.

Like I did that recently for the Roebling Point bookstore and coffee shop because I accidentally put the Covington, like a different location of the same named place. Yeah. And I was navigating to the wrong one. I was like, wait, why is it taking me here? Oh. Maybe they just meant they saw. How does this happen?

Like the description for this one. And we're like, oh, that's that cool place. Yeah. Maybe there's something specific about it. I mean. It was used in the film. Okay. Maybe you'll tell us more.

I don't know. I doubt it can you blame a girl for wanting a romantic getaway weekend with her better half on a groupon sorry no that was just me yeah your better half wouldn't have made this mistake oh i'm sorry they said better half i think that's true so i was just trying to go with any degree of better probably would have figured out that this was uh the groupon for a different hotel that was a he was a group did you just say groupon was that a you inserting groupon or is there no no she said i purchased a groupon okay i just want to make sure that wasn't just one of your jokes i No. I know how hilarious it is.

It's hard to tell sometimes. All right. All right. Can you blame a girl for wanting a romantic getaway weekend with her better half? I was fronting the bill as I was ecstatic that I was getting such a great deal for a hotel so close to everything. I was wrong. Like I mentioned, we were at least 40 miles from civilization. I really tried to like this place, and it had its moments, and we will get into those moments soon.

But this hotel gives me the fucking creeps. It is so scary. I now see the Yelp reviews, and I agree with everyone who mentioned The Shining. I really, really, really could see a remake being filmed here i will try to be nice in this review but i'm gonna be honest still with me okay no back to the review if i had guessed what year this was written 2012 literally did i nail it? Wait, I think. What's 23 minus 13? Not 2000. No, 23 minus 13.

2010. That's 2010. So you didn't nail it, but you were close. I was kind of close. If I had to tell you the worst thing about this hotel, besides the fact that it is not near civilization, besides the fact that you can see old pipes snaking up and down the wall in your room, besides the fact that a jacket is required to dine in their restaurant, Mr. Melissa M. failed to bring a jacket, and we figured we'd dine elsewhere. Well, you know what? Elsewhere is freaking far. Forget it. Mr. Melissa M. wanted to booze it up on Saturday night, and who could blame him? He had to put up with me.

We decided to just sit in the bar and order some food since our downstairs restaurant was closed on a Saturday night. Closed. They had a nightclub aptly named The Cave, but the DJ didn't show up until 9pm and they served no food. So we sat at the bar slash lounge in the hotel. We proceeded to hear the couple behind us get sloshed and start talking about whatever you talk about when you are sloshed and there was a lady in probably her 60s who kept calling people on her cell phone i actually heard her say to the other person on the line i'm dd'ing you she was t-rashed oh no i'm thinking that means drunk dialing i'm dd-ing you okay in my head i was like they're being the designated driver i'm like oh fuck i think what they mean

is she kept calling people on her phone and saying i'm dd-ing you i feel like this is something our stepmom would say and we'd be like, DD for designated driver. And she'd go, oh, I thought it meant drunk dial someone. Yeah, yeah. Right? Sounds like a 50s, 60s term. Sure. No?

All those rotary phones. Drunken rotary phone dials. He totally DDed me the other day. That actually starts to sound dirty. Okay. He DSed me. He drunk spun the rotary thing. Drunk rotary'd me.

Drunk rotary. Oh, no. That sounds bad. Okay. Back to the grub. We ordered the cheese plate. It was excellent. We ordered shrimp cocktail.

Again, delicious. We also got some arancini. Oh, sorry. I spent a couple days in Italy. Renee and I watched Alvin and the Chimunks the whole time. Spend a couple days in Italy. Renee and I watched Alvin and the Chimwinks the whole time. So sometimes my Italian accent comes out.

We also got some arancini with mushrooms. So good. And Bill wanted... Who the fuck is Bill? I don't know, Christina. Maybe a ghost. Let's pretend it's a ghost. Is this Melissa Gates? Melissa M. Gates? Melissa M. Gates. Bill. maybe a ghost let's pretend it's a ghost is this melissa gates melissa m gates melissa m it's melissa mr melissa m gates aka bill yeah i have no she saw that dr jill biden got like um

a doctor in front of her name so she's like i want to now be instead of bill and Melissa Clinton. Clinton? What are you talking about? The Clintons and all this. Oh, Bill Clinton, I guess. I'm against. I know you did. But now I see why you made that mistake. Bill is another. Bill, Jill, they're all the same.

Except some have a doctorate and some don't. I'm so sorry, everybody. I already hear the crickets and they're so taunting me. Okay. We also got some arancini with mushrooms. So good. And Bill wanted the clam chowder pizza. I know I buried it.

Are you sure Bill's your better have i'm sorry i think you should go easy on yourself she's been so mean to herself i feel bad i'm like i felt bad for mock like joking about her because she was like oh he puts up with me it's like no you know what he's lucky to have you you got him a nice date night at the yeah no this is great but yeah you know well you figured out the Groupon. If that schmuck would have remembered his dinner jacket, maybe he wouldn't be in this scenario. I've got to say, I fucking hate that shit.

It's so stupid. If I need a dinner jacket, I do not want to dine there. And then they're like, here, you can take one from Lost and Found. That's such bullshit. They're like gigantic. Yeah. Or like tiny. It's very, just that elitist bullshit.

It's just so stupid. Anyway, Bill wanted the clam chowder pizza. I wasn't a fan, but I could see that it would be good to some people. Okay, food is good here, but their staunch rule of a jacket required is lame. We saw about two tables total in the whole place. Then we get to the night. My fiance pretty much passed out early. So I read my women's health magazine checked facebook and yelp on my iphone

and attempted to go to bed early isn't that the most i love this 2010 thing i read my women's health well let's see you're the best i love melissa i say attempted because they had about wait she should just go and leave mr bill by himself she could get mr bill, she could get in the dinner. Mr. Bill! Mr. Bill by himself. She could get into the restaurant. She doesn't need him. Yeah, wait, true. Weighing her down with his clam pizza breath. He's weighing you down, Melissa. Get out there.

Get to the dinner. Get out there to those two tables. Go DD some people. Go DD some people. Go back to that table and DD that lady that was sitting there. Okay. An attempt to get to bed early. I say attempted because they had about 500 people attending a military recruiter's wall.

Fuck. What is happening? This is the weirdest night. I have the utmost respect to our servicemen and women, but... I love that, but. Okay, but. And it's after two dashes. Like, hold on.

But the place was literally thumping. The ball must have ended around 10 p.m. because that's when hordes of the servicemen and women and their spouses got back to their room. And I think the room next to us was a rocking. Old Graham, parentheses, that's me, tried to sleep what with my white noise machine and total room darkness but I couldn't sleep. The noise did quiet around midnight but the bed I was attempting to sleep in was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever tried to sleep on. I almost tried to sleep on the green carpeted floor, but it was not clean. I finally fell asleep around 1.30 a.m. and woke up a few hours later. I was exhausted and tried to sleep on the way home, unsuccessfully because my back was killing me.

I just got back from my chiropractor and he confirmed that my back is messed up. I have to go back to the Cairo next week. You know where I won't be going back to? The Mount Washington Resort. Wow. So many things to comment on because now that a chiropractor is involved, I'm like, well, yeah, the chiropractor is going to say your back's messed up. What a racket.

It's such a racket. Oh, I bet this hotel has a deal with him. The chiropractor is probably the one who recommended it and lied about the place. You're right. She didn't even put it together that the chiro was the one who told her to go and that's why there were rocks in the mattress so that she had to go to the chiropractor. Yeah.

It was just like a bunch of squishmallows or something. No, it's a bunch of rocks. Yeah, I know. That's what's in squishmallows, remember? Oh yeah, that's true. They are made of rocks. Callback. Very good call rocks. Yeah, I know. That's what's in Squishmallows, remember? Oh, yeah, that's true. Come on. They are made of rocks. Callback. Very good callback, yeah. Thank you so much.

Oh, you did Crescent Hotel and Spa, right? Yes. Who sent that in? Maddie. Okay, well, Elta sent one in. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's very famous. It's a different one.

Okay. Jeez, sorry. Sorry that everybody knows it except you. Sorry, Maddie. Sorry, Elta. Sorry, you. You're the one who Sorry, Maddie. Sorry, Elta. Sorry. You're the one who said you talk about hot springs every five minutes. I didn't say every five minutes.

That's excessive. If I did that, I don't think that I think you would have, you know, no, I don't do that. One star of the Crescent Hotel and Spa. Okay. Wait, this is the one in Arkansas? Yes. Okay. Thank you. of the Crescent Hotel and Spa.

Okay. Wait, this is the one in Arkansas? Yes. Okay, thank you. The family tour of the haunted hotel in the evenings is not appropriate for children, even though the hotel says it is. My then nine-year-old daughter loves ghost stories and is not easily frightened,

but this tour nearly ruined our trip. In fact, I can still see lingering effects a year later. After this tour, for the first time in her life, she was afraid to go to the bathroom alone. It really scared her. Then the tour guide would not allow us use the exit right next to us to the outdoors because another group might be coming in that way,

causing us to get lost in a maze of hallways and locked doors in the basement. Wait, that's probably why she's scared of the bathroom alone. Yeah, no, it's terrifying. Even I was a little scared then. Yes, I should have disobeyed the tour guide. Hindsight. Also, during this tour, I got to explain words like illegitimate and adultery to my then nine-year-old.

That was fun. End of review. Wait, is that why she's scared to go? I guess the ghost stories were too much. I think it was just like actually scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scary shit. Hey, I don't, I wouldn't, if my kid were easily scared, I'd be like, nope, not even trying it.

Because I know how much I tortured my parents when I was scared of something. True. I just don't think I could do that to myself. Yeah. But I did like, they weren't like presenting it as like, oh, my fucking nine-year-old won't shut the fuck up about being scared. It's very much like. I have to get up every time she has to pee. Yeah.

That's so sad. I know. But no, yeah. So, yeah. I know. But no, yeah. So, yeah. Those family tour, ghost tours.

Yeah, you have a certain expectation that it's going to be family friendly. I guess, but I feel like everyone is about murders. So, I don't see why it would be family friendly. I mean, I think they have a separate one for family. I think that's the point. It's like a family friendly ghost tour. Because like that's when Dee and I went on a ghost tour. I was looking through options in Boston. And a lot of them had a family option for people with kids.

Poor baby. Yeah, no. That was just kind of shitty. I did like the adultery part at the end. Maybe that's why it was so inappropriate. I don't know. Okay, this is from Erin Sheher, and it's of the black monarch hotel in victor colorado and apparently all the themes i'm sorry all the rooms are themed after serial killers which i don't love okay or famous weird people so there's a jack the ripper room an

elizabeth bathory room a nicola tesla room i'm sorry and elon mutton that was me um talk about one day though probably hotel yeah I'm sorry. And Elon. No, that was me. Talk about. One day, though, probably gross. Serial killer hotel, yeah. It has a reputation for being haunted, and the hotel uses that in their promo. That's what Aaron said. Okay, this is a one-star review by Chris. The room was nice, but man, the people who run it are rude.

I will never recommend this hotel to anyone. I've never been more mocked by a review I left than by this place. It was just a so-so review too, not like it was horrible. Our ceiling light was out. How hard is it to replace a light? A lot for this place, obviously. The owner said we had adequate lighting and mocked us over it. The concierge agreed with us and told us nothing can be done,

and another guest that was in the hall offered us a bedside lamp because he saw how dark our room was. He was probably like, actually, I'm trying to sleep. Will this stop you from screaming in the hallway? Here's a lamp. Another guest that was in the hall offered us

a bedside lamp because he saw how dark it was. I was very excited to stay here, and unfortunately, our anniversary hotel stay was ruined by this hotel. And there is a response from our owner. Uh-oh. Sorry you had a less than five-star stay, Chris, and found the two bedside lamps, five-bulb chandelier, and dragonfly motif Tiffany lamp to be inadequate lighting. bulb chandelier and dragonfly motif tiffany lamp to be inadequate lighting i totally understand how one out of nine light bulbs being burned out could totally ruin an anniversary please email us for a full refund end of review i kind of love it i i it's just so so over the top caddy but but i feel like they make it okay because they're saying they'll actually offer

a full refund so if they're doing that i'm like be as cat as you want like if you're actually giving that refund but yeah i don't know that was wow i feel like that's kind of funny the it is a little bit funny the the fact that they uh mentioned the tiffany lamp i wonder like what room theme that was. Right. Let's see. A five bulb chandelier. I don't know. Go through your list of serial killers.

Jack the Ripper, kind of like old school, like Victorian. I don't know. I don't think they had Tiffany lamps in Victorian times. Probably did not. Are you Googling that? Well, I know someone's going to.

Christina, I really don't think they did. I know they don't. 1898. That's a long time ago. For Tiffany lamps? Yeah. Yeah, when was Victoria in there?

Okay, 1837 to 1901. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow, so the end. When did Jack the Ripper kill people, though? 1888. Oh. You know what?

You were closer than I thought. I'm sorry. Forgive me. He killed people on my birthday, by the way. Oh, great. Yeah, it's not good. He had a really beautiful Tiffany Limpkin collection. Jesus Christ.

Okay. My next one and my last one is from Haley. What you forgot is that when I'm not sober, I can do the math. You're so smart when you're not sober. It's true. My next one is of The Brick Hotel, which I'm sorry, is like the lamest name for a hotel. She's a brick. Hotel. She's a brick. Hotel.

She's mighty, mighty. Just letting the ghosts hang out. Ooh. Okay. I'm just trying to figure out where the fuck this is. This is in Newtown, Pennsylvania. That is where the brick hotel would be. One star.

This is a very haunted hotel, for certain. I had five encounters with ghosts there, and I didn't believe in them until now. In 201, a woman was spotted. In 202, I was awakened by my doorknob jiggling and turning, and the door making a sound as if being pushed against. Then I heard some sobbing. It happened a second time at 4 a.m. without the sobbing.

They don't keep the doors closed there, so no air pressure change was possible between the room and hallway. My room key was under the bed. I always keep keys in my pants pocket in case I have to run for work. One sandal was also missing. I always take off my sandals and drop my shorts on top of the sandals so I know where everything is. That's so sexy.

He brings one home and he's like, hold on, I have to drop my pants on top of my sandals so I know where they are in the morning. Yes, because I assume at the Brick Hotel this person's like, yeah, I gotta be sexy for these ghosts. That's the priority here. He's in his pocket in case his work makes him run somewhere.

I don't know where he's going to run, but... Maybe he's a professional marathoner. That's true, actually. How do you know? Because he keeps his keys in his pocket. That's what they do in case... And wears sandals. And wears sandals.

And runs in sandals. The other sandal was finally found on the other side of the room. This morning in 205, the shower turned suddenly cold. I turned around to see that the knob had moved 110 degrees and was a bit upset. Enough not to spend the rest of my stay there. But it's filled with history and had it not been for the strange activity there, I would have loved it. It's old and needs work as all old places do, but I have a penchant for history and

wanted to remain. It's a beautiful place and built in 1705. I'm actually a descendant of Nathaniel Green, who stayed there. But the ghost is definitely a prankster, and such things usually only get worse with time. And my papa Nathaniel was no

such trickster, so it couldn't be him. Yeah. What if it is their relative? It was nathaniel green who's like yeah you are you are shaming me every day with your sandals or something with your small wee wee so would you just turn the cold water on. Yeah, probably. And for those who don't know, like you, Nathaniel Green, born 1742, was an American military officer and planter. What's a planter? Planter, mascot, peanut butter. Served in the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War. He was one of George Washington's most talented and dependable officers and is known for his successful command in the Southern Theater of the Conflict.

Anyway. Oh, my God. A pair of sandals just materialized. You're that guy all of a sudden. But did you notice that, like, the room number kept changing? Well, that's what. Okay. I was like, did I miss here?

No, I think they're, like, asking to be moved. For different rooms. Yeah. And they said it later in, like, did I miss here? No, I think they're like asking to be moved. For different rooms. Yeah. And they said it later in like a little room tip. They said, don't stay here or stay in rooms 201 or 202 if you want to be haunted. Oh my lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got moved and was still having paranormal experiences.

It's bizarre to me that they're saying I didn't believe in ghosts but i was so convinced that all of these little things were ghosts that i left early yeah it's kind of a weird like you usually don't see that i feel like and that was what when i saw was a one-star review titled this place is haunted i was like that's weird because i feel like you never see that that's exactly most people who admit to it being hot or say like, yeah, who aren't, who are not skeptics who are like, yeah, like this place is haunted or like, hell yeah, this place is haunted. You never see like a negative, like a ghost moved my sandal.

Or if anything, they like mention it briefly and have all these other issues. But like, this was just about the fact that they believe it's haunted and that because of that, it was a one star experience. Yeah, that they've never believed in ghosts before. Yeah. Wild. Bizar experience. Yeah that they've never believed in ghosts before. Yeah wild. That is bizarre. Yeah. Especially if it's like oh the water turned cold like you could you know you could just kind of chalk that up or like the weird sounds or I don't know

I feel like there's a lot of ways you could explain that away. Yeah exactly but no. But no this is also from Aaron Sheher and it's a one-star review um i believe oh yeah this is from this is of that same hotel themed after all the victorian serial killers that i know a lot about uh and this is a one-star review by marie epically bad customer service will make you believe in evil spirits. Avoid. And here is a response from owner.

Oh. Countersuit fuel. Thanks. See you in court. Kiss face emoji. What? Hello? This is the same place I was talking about the Tiffany lamps and stuff?

Okay, they're kind of losing me. I know, right? That's what I thought. I mean, it was obnoxious that first time, but I liked that they had a refund. I thought it was funny at first. A countersuit? What? But then I was like, okay.

Like, it's, I don't think that the guy was upset about the one light bulb. I think he's upset that everyone was, like, giving him shit for asking. Yeah, yeah. Which I don't know if that happened, but that's what he's saying. I was mocked over it. So I feel like that's like whatever but this response i'm like oh my god what is happening at this place yeah i would not like a place that has themed memorabilia about like just serial killers i don't think i would want to see

in court to be honest like i don't think i would suit them i'd be like i'm i'm good i'm good fucking cowards what are they talking about? I don't know. And the kiss emoji. You need to chill. Like, it's a lot. Like, you don't need to write that. It's kind of embarrassing. Yeah.

It's kind of embarrassing. Like, why not just screenshot it and not, like, send kissy emojis to, like, mock them? Yeah. Yeah. So, very odd. Is that all you had, by the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I think I only have one more negative here. This is from Elta, and this is of the Marshall House in Savannah, Georgia. Savannah is a very, very haunted city. I've heard. I've heard. I've heard tell, tell, tell, tell. I've heard people talk about that. No.

It's really, really cool. I've heard. I've heard. I've heard tell. Stop. Oh, Xenor, you're upsetting me. I'm sorry. It's just when I think of Savannah, Georgia, it's just mind-boggling, mind-boggling.

Oxenor, you're not allowed to use that word if I've ingested anything that might alter my brainwaves, okay? Thank you. Okay. From Elta, okay? Marshall House in Savannah, Georgia. In Savannah. Oh, sorry. I once spent two days in Savannah.

Sometimes they break into a southern accent. Okay. This is a three-star review by Sarah. Nice service, great location, although I kept hearing screaming from below me. Was quite alarmed because of the things I heard online about this hotel. I don't believe in ghosts, but now I am slightly more suspicious. But overall, a decent experience.

End of review. Okay. Now I am slightly more suspicious. But overall, a decent experience. End of review. Okay, at least it was decent. You believe in true crime though, right? Yeah, right. I just heard screaming. What could it be besides a ghost? Lots of things. Someone in danger?

There are lots of reasons to scream. Yeah, I don't know. It makes me nervous. So that was that. Then I have one. This is a redemption. This was sent in by Maddie, and it's a redemption of the Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee, which is a place I've stayed, and it's really cool. Pfister?

I hardly know her. Oh, my God. I'm sure how many times do you think they hear that? But yeah, I've stayed there a couple of times. I say that every five minutes. And they make a really nice vodka martini. Oh my gosh. Tell me more.

Okay. I will. I don't know if they can make esoteric drinks like the Boulevardier, but they definitely can make- Maybe a Negroni. A Negroni for me. Okay. Okay.

This is a five out of five star review by David of the Pfister Hotel. The most haunted building in Milwaukee? Haunted with good times, maybe. I think not. End of review. And then here's a response from owner. Enjoyed the countersuit.y face countersuit fuel see you in court oh my god poor david thank you for taking the time to share your experience with us

david it's great to hear you had such a fun time at our hotel we hope you can return again for future reservations yours and hospitality terry that was like three times as long as the actual review i kind of like it haunted with good times maybe also um i like haunted with good times maybe is bolded oh how i don't know i don't know if that's a thing you searched that probably i didn't because you searched the keywords haunted with a good time yeah maybe maddie did there's no way right that's so so specific unless maddie had seen it elsewhere oh fair fair okay find that review yeah i don't know um but anyway i thought that was quite adorable also i remember when i actually went to uh the fisser hotel

they gave eva so i checked in first then i went up to my room. Then Eva and Em checked in later in the day and they're like, oh, did you get the ghost sheet? And I was like, what? They both checked in separately and were given like a sheet with the history of all the ghosts in the hotel. And I'm like, did they look at me and think like, no, wrong, wrong type. Yeah, you walked in with your like Louis V. Shut up. My sweatshirt that says. Vodka martini, please.hirt that says martini please

where is my vodka martini and they're like okay we cannot give her a go sheet it's not that they didn't think you were interested they just they just did not want to find out what happened if you got that go sheet you're right how could i not see it I need to be more self-aware oh my god in reality Lisa's like why do you only ever wear your own merchandise when you go places and I was like because it's free no that is true and honestly like why wouldn't I I don't understand some of my like best fitting most comfortable clothes like beach shoes like my beach shoes sani hoodie I'm like yeah it fits I love it like I don't know I don't wear it too often because I get in my head about that. This has been a sponsored segment.

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Offer ends June 3, 2024. Visit tdaeroplan.com for details. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah. He says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely

be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. So this is from, I have one more. This is from Megan Sheher, and it is a redemption of the Crescent Hotel in Spock. I've heard of this one. You have.

I talk about their hot springs all the time. I would like to go to the Arkansas hot springs. Okay. So this is by a local guy named Crazy Boy. Yeah. Five out of five. Did not stay in a room, but the rest of the hotel

is freaking nice if you like old architecture. Food on the fourth floor is awesome. View is nice too. Ghosts did not say hi, but that is okay because I am a Baptist.

End of review. I like that. He's like, they knew better. They could smell it on me. That's so weird. But that is okay. What does that even mean? I think it's like he's protected from.

Okay. I feel like in the Baptist church, you do not mess with ghosts. You don't deal with it. Really? Okay. It feel like in the Baptist church, you do not mess with ghosts. You don't deal with it. Really? Okay. It's like a thing. In a lot of these branches of Christianity. So we might have some Baptist listeners, and that's why we drink wooden?

Is that what you're saying? What do you mean by that? I mean, from what I know, people who practice the Baptist faith are very like any sort of ghost is like satanic. Like anything supernatural comes from the devil. Okay. Like they just believe there's no like ghost. There's no like spiritual. Like.

Okay. Yeah. So. All the woo woo shit is not. Yeah. Not it. They basically feel like it's the devil himself. Okay.

Does that make sense? I think so. It's like temptation, like sexy ghosts being tempted by the devil. No, it's like anything that's trying to deceive you, even if it's your grandma coming to you in a dream or somebody sitting on the edge of the, like any ghost encounter. You're like, fuck you, grandma. You're the devil. I don't know. No, no, no.

I think I get what you're saying. That's at least my very amateur understanding. So this thing from the Baptist Press says, First, understand that ghosts, the spirits of the departed, do not roam unseen among us. They are with the Lord in heaven or apart from him in Hades. And the only time that if you see them out and about or whatever, it's of the devil. It's nothing good. Okay.

Got it. Um, that is at least what I understand about. Yeah. Baptist faith. Yeah. It says avoid fascination with modern day quote ghost adventures. Right.

Right. Rob you of your time and worse. They draw you into demonic deception. Yep. While Satan has no power to raise the dead or create human flesh, he and his demons play on the field of superstition. Third, stay armed. The second amendment, I'm just kidding. It does say stay armed. It says Paul exhorts us to put

on the full armor of God so we can evade Satan's fiery darts. That's badass. Okay, it's actually not. Is it like those lawn darts? You know how intense those are? But my armor has a bullseye on it. Was I not supposed to wear that? You're like, Satan, pierce me. Penetrate me, please, with your fiery darts. This is not the smut episode.

It's not smut. Penetration. Satan, penetrate me? What the fuck? With his fiery darts. Like, chill. Did you know that Renee renamed my... I was already thinking of Renee.

I feel. Renee renamed our group chat. Not with you, but with another friend. Yeah. I would know. I think what you're talking about. Renamed our group chat. Sexy Fern Gully.

Cause that's what you asked him. Oh yeah. It sounded like it. It was like sexy Fern Gully. Yeah. There's fairies. And so. Anyway. Okay. That's. Well, sorry. The sounded like it. Akinpah was like sexy fern colors. Yeah, there's fairies. And so, I wasn't into that. Anyway.

Okay. Well, sorry. The end of this article. By the way, this is one author's writing on the Baptist press. So, I'm not acting like I know anything about the Baptist faith. But they say at the end, who you gonna call? The word of God is the ultimate ghostbuster. I'm sorry. This is the funniest article. I can't wait to read the word of god is the ultimate ghostbuster i'm sorry i this is the funniest

article and i can't wait to read the rest of the w in the yellow pages i'm looking for a word of god exorcism word of god ghostbusters i just spent a whole weekend playing on exorcist oh wait that's true yeah why do you think i had a 15 hour day yesterday out yeah so all my complaints were very worth it because it was actually a wonderful experience. And I'm so excited for people to see it because it's going to look so fucking good. Clearly they're putting a lot of work into it. Yeah. I have a tramp stamp right now.

It hasn't come off yet. What do you mean? You want to see it? Yes. This is great content for the video. Oh my God. That would be such a good thumbnail. It's like you're about to flash our audience.

Thumbnail for what? We don't post this anyway. Yeah, but I'm going to make one. Okay. You will? Really? I don't believe you. Because it'll go viral.

Nothing that we do will go viral. Because we're not a virus. We're like a parasite. Suckling on. Will you stop? I can't do it anymore. Oxidant, why would you do this? I don't know.

Is it your turn? Yeah, but you're saying dumb things. You can just stop me. Take it back. Take it back. This is my challenge. It was from Nina Sheher. Oh, no, sorry.

That's the review that was sent in. My challenge. I'm so sorry. It was from Casey who said, find reviews where people use self-defense weapons on themselves. Which. Alexander did what? We have done before, but it was me. And it was quite a while ago.

I'm going to find the exact episode number. So we have it. The episode was episode 62, Dunkin' Donuts in Concord, New Hampshire. So if you'd like to listen to the past time we did this challenge or I did this challenge, you can listen to that. But she's going to try to beat me. Compare and contrast. Please don't because I don't know. I don't know.

It might not go well for me. This is from Nina Sheher and it is a review of ViperTech VTS 36 billion mini stun gun. Oh dear. Rechargeable with LED flashlight purple. How many billion? Sorry, I don't know if I read this right. VTS 880 hyphen 36 billion.

Yeah, that's what it looks like. What does that mean? 36 billion. I just throw the word billion in there. I think you can just say it. Billion what? 36 billion what? I don't know.

I doubt anything, to be honest. I think it's probably just a made-up number. I really think it is. There's no way. 38 billion volts? I don't know much about voltage, but that seems a little high. Okay. This is two stars verified purchase by Casey, and the title is useless for self-defense.

Uh-oh. Hold on. But not useless for self-attack. I was excited to get this because it's about the size of a pack of cigarettes, easy to charge with the pop-out charger, and makes a scary sound. The sound, however, is the only thing threatening about this. I was drunk and started tasing myself at a bar to see how powerful it was, and I liked it. Everybody else then started tasing themselves for fun. I now only use it as a sex toy.

If you're using this on someone trying to attack you, all you're going to do is turn them on, honey. End of review. I fucking love this. That's why I only read the first half because the title was useless for self-defense. Excellent sex toy. That's hilarious. Three people found this useful. That's so funny.

And it's a verified purchase. Just out of curiosity, it says there's typically between 20,000 and 150,000 volts in a stun gun. Although, you know, there are a lot of things involved here. Oh, wait, but there are 38 billion in a vibrator. Yeah, true. That might be why that's working in the way that it is. That makes actually more sense. Okay, but what about this one, Zannie?

This is called the Streetwise Small Fry Blackout. And then whatever number this is 5 million 50 million that's a lot of zeros but not like a crazy like it is a lot but yeah so 5 million stun gun rechargeable like it's so stupid exactly exactly so this is a one-star review by Morgan called Doesn't Work As Advertised. I have one of these and it delivers a shock that would barely twitch a muscle. You get more of a jolt touching your tongue to a nine-volt battery. Oh, can you imagine if you're doing self-defense and you're like, hang on, put your tongue on this. While they're attacking you.

Try to just shove a battery in their mouth. Bloop. They won't see it coming. I would seriously stay away from this product. I tested it on myself and my nephew, who is 115 pounds, and all it will do is anger your assailant and get you in trouble.

Okay, so... You're in trouble now, little boy! That's what the nephew said to her. Oh. You're in trouble now, auntie. She tested it on her nephew, which in my mind is like a child. I'm sure it's, I hope it's not. Get pepper spray or something else, but don't try to use this or you will be in serious trouble. The only thing it would be good for is maybe a deterrent to scare off an attacker, but it won't hurt them. I'd find another kind if you really

want a stun gun. End of review. I tested it on my nephew. That's my favorite part. That's hilarious. I really wish they included their nephew's age. I do too. They included the weight, which is okay. But yeah, sorry, I found another on saberred.com. Why are you doing this? On SaberRed.com. Why are you doing this? No, there's an article that says, like, basically, there are no official design or technical standards in the stun gun industry, nor any government regulation holding them accountable.

So that way they can just put whatever the fuck number they want. Oh my gosh. But they said, according to this source, it says 30,000 is the maximum voltage possible for a stun gun with contacts spaced one centimeter apart. So anyway, just a bunch of numbers to get people excited. Literally, if you're that first reviewer. 36 billion? Don't mind if I do. Yeah. Imagine, like, what if you thought it was 36 billion? You're like, wow, this is the highest number for any stun gun I do. Yeah. Imagine like, what if you thought it was 36 billion? You're like,

wow, this is the highest number for any stun gun I've ever seen. I should try this on myself. Like that's pretty bold. It is. I'm impressed. Let's see. This is a question actually in the section, the question and answer section of the Viper tech vts 880 36 billion mini stun gun rechargeable with led flashlight black and the question is will this actually disorient or paralyze an attacker temporarily and the answer here comes from little t i wouldn't count on it i tested it on myself and it wouldn't stop me. Oh, dear God. What the fuck? Don't put it that way.

Jesus. The fact that their name is Little T. It's like. Little T. You know, it's like one of those things where they're. This is that nephew. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He's Little T. Little T is coming for you. Oh, shit. That makes so much more sense. Little Auntie. You're in trouble now. I tested it on my, I like how they're like, let's see if this would stop me from attacking someone. Like, what a horrible thing to admit.

Okay. Jesus Christ. It wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop me. This person's clearly scared of an attacker. And this person's like, well, it won't stop me. You can try. It sounds like a veiled threat.

Yes. It doesn't feel very veiled. I don't know. Okay. So this was sent in by Gregory. And it's from Amazon. It's actually a redemption. And this is my last one, by the way.

It's a pocket stun gun pepper spray kit. It says, one high-volt a pocket stun gun pepper spray kit uh it says one high volt amp mini stun gun with flashlight one police strength pocket key chain 0.5 ounce tear gas best mini shock device self-defense weapon for women or men a combination taser slash pepper spray so how does this thing look and work it's a kit kit. So is it separate? Pocket stun gun. Or is it like one trigger for the stun gun and then one for the, I don't know. I'm like just curious. You think it's like a multi-tool? Yeah.

With pepper spray in one thing. Oh, I think it's kind. Oh, no, no, no. It comes with separate. It's a separate. Okay, that makes sense. Although it says three in one. Wow.

Maybe it like goes into it like it that you can store the peppers. It penetrates it. Alexander, why would you? It's just a word. Oh, thank God. They make a women's purple version. Oh, thank God. Okay.

So. Okay. So fragile, dainty women can. Yeah. Use this. Great. This is a five-star review it won't stop little t oh no um okay this is a five-star review by faith and the title is powerful verified purchase i didn't expect the taser to hurt as bad as it does i wanted to make sure it was painful so i tased myself on purpose. So I know how it feels. And so I had an idea how long I would have to run.

And the pepper spray shoots far. So overall, 10 out of 10. And I love the safety feature on the taser. End of review. Hell yeah. Well, the safety feature didn't stop her from tasing herself, but I guess she was determined. Yeah.

Wow. Okay. Hey, that actually is helpful. Right? It was the first one where it's like yeah this actually works like a motherfucker yeah i i think that's a very it's a it's a service to all the people it is and i love that they were like i'll give it five stars because i had a terrible experience yeah but so will my future attacker i bet there's so many youtube videos of people testing stun guns on themselves like to help viewers pick the right one.

Oh, yeah, I bet. Hopefully there are some that aren't sponsored by a stun gun company. I imagine some people found out that was their kink. No, I mean, hey. Maybe they found a niche on TikTok with stun gunning yourself. Hey, yeah. Good. Opening minds.

Listen, the first person on here was like. Also jump starting beating hearts, you know, in more ways than one. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. So anyway, that's it. That was great. Thank you. That was fun.

I don't know if I had any sex toy related reviews in mind. Yeah, you know, I don't remember there being, but I don't remember anything from any episode, so you could very well have done it. Yeah, that's fair. Knowing you, you probably would do it if you knew. Yeah, because I definitely didn't know what episode that was. Like, off the top of my head, nor did I even do the research. That was Veronica who did that, so.

Oh, that was nice. Yes. Thank you for finding that. Yeah, well, Veronica was like, I think posted, yeah, it was in the I think posted. Yeah. It was in the Patreon Facebook group and on the page. And it was like, I think we did this before. And then found the challenge.

Oh, yeah. And went and found it. And was like, yeah, we did it before. Not in a negative way. Like, don't do this. It was like a very like, hey, this was really funny. Don't do this again. Really hope they do it.

Don't do this to me. Don't do it to me. Literally said, Schiefer Sibs, if you decide to go ahead and do the challenge again anyway, I'm sure we'll all be 100% on board because it's a very good challenge idea. Sounded like a backhanded compliment. Yeah, that's just how Veronica operates, you know. Classic Veronica. Classic

Veronica. Anyway. And also said that it's the same episode where you told the story of how apparently Emma's mom inadvertently pepper sprayed an entire hotel floor yeah testing it by spraying it into a vent but then also um oh this wasn't pepper i guess but hung the oh her power suit yes on uh sprinkler sprinkler system so now they have to have those little signs classic yeah so i i love

my favorite that like then that's why i drink groups online that i'm in i see like anytime someone's in a hotel room i was like oh look it's a warning not to do this every single time the warning the linda warning oh that's funny anyway anyway thanks for joining us yeah thanks everyone um what a wonderful time this was i had fun and I'm sure you all had fun at some point or another. At least at a little point. Yeah. Oxenar is well due for some chat about the hot springs, so we got to go. Yeah, man, it's been too long.

I'm itching. I'm itching for it. Get in the water. What the fuck? Beach Too Sandy, Water Too wet is a forever dog production hosted and produced by zandy and christine schieffer it's edited by marco padilla cover art by courtney aventura theme music by mavis white executive produced by mariah nicholas forever dog productions is joe cilio alex ramsey and brett boehm