Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 248: Best Reviews From Tour

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, welcome to a very special episode of Beach Shoes Sandy Water Too Wet, a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

My name is Zandy. Hi, I'm Christine. We are going to be reading some of our favorite reviews from our tour this year. Sorry, continue. No, you seem like you have something important to say. No, I'm just excited because there are so many that as we were doing the shows, I was like, man, this would be perfect for the show. It was so fun. We got to share it with the people we shared them with, but I'm glad we can, I don't know, give at least everyone else a taste.

Yeah, and just so you all know, we did manage to get one of our shows recorded that was DC. Yes. And that was our finale show and one of our favorites, and we are going to be posting that to Patreon. Yes, not only recorded, filmed. Yeah. So we're not bringing any DC reviews today just because that will be up at some point on Patreon this month. So if you want more and you want to see it in action and the audience response, you can go to our Patreon, patreon.com. Otherwise, we'll give you a little teaser from the different cities we went to before DC.

Yeah. You want to get us started? Do you have anything from Tempe, Arizona? from the different cities we went to before DC. Yeah. You want to get us started with, do you have anything from Tempe, Arizona? So the thing that I have from Tempe is not a traditional review, but sure, I'll start with it. It wasn't a traditional show. That's right.

And I feel like this probably gives the best insight into how chaotic our tour really was. This was Blaze's idea. He said, why don't you find reviews from CruiseCritic.com? Cool cruisers have a lot to say. And don't you know it? Some of them are from Tempe. It was a really funny realization. Yeah, such a surprise that some Arizonans love to get on the water you know makes sense being i guess

being void of water yeah basically the other reviews i had at the show were like all about the the desert uh biodomes or whatever like where they have all those plants. Is that where the Cardinals play? The biodome. I don't know. The biome. Biome? Is that short for biodome? I doubt it. I don't know why it would be because, never mind. Continue.

This is a review. It's not a review. This is a forum about some cool cruisers from Tempe. And again, I want to point out, reiterate, this was Blaze's idea, not mine. I don't even remember this. This was so long ago. It was long. I was going to say it feels long ago, but it actually was long ago. So this is the first post, and this was posted April 11, 2013. And the question asked here by this Tempin, Tempian, is, has anyone played any type of adult games on Carnival Cruises for ages 21 and up?

If so, what have you played and what stories can you bear to share? On my first cruise, I played an adult scavenger hunt and it got pretty wild, at least for me back then. Ha ha. Okay. No, I'm not. So here's a response from Cruise Queen who says, marriage game can get kind of raunchy.

So there's that. Then the same, the original poster response. My stomach's telling me something's coming that I forgot about. No. You know, like I'm like, wait. I remember a moment.

Let your guard down. Wait. Relax. No, I don't want to. Just relax. Close your eyes. Let it happen. Should I tell my confession about this first show?

Oh, I guess it's about time you do. So that's also kind of fun about this. We give you a little behind the scenes. Y'all, so our manager surprised us. It was wonderful to have our manager there at the show. And we were all backstage in the green room. And my plan was to have half an edible because I was so freaking nervous. But I was like, if I have half, I'm not going to be high.

I'll just calm myself down. So I have, I do that sometimes. So I had like in my thing, I had all these like whole ones, but then some halves. I take one out and my poor manager is just like watching me do this. I'm like looking at it and I'm like, oh yeah, I think, because I was scrounging in there for like some minutes trying to find a half. I'm like, oh yeah, I think this is it. And I take it.

Let's just say it turns out that wasn't a half and it was a whole one so i was pretty high during this whole pretty high this whole show which i feel like i felt really bad about but no i don't think it affected the show negatively i was wondering because you were like i'll handle the music and then like i promptly forgot. But also that was the first show. So we hadn't practiced that. I didn't think that was weed related. I just thought. Anyway. But yeah.

So that made for an interesting show. By the time I got to this in the shows, Andy was like, what on earth? What is happening right now? So I might have some recovered memories for you here. So the original poster then responded to cruise queen saying they did this scavenger hunt on the inspiration where they had everyone group up the worst two things they did was have someone bring up a pair of women's underwear a girl on our team whipped hers off in like three seconds ignoring a stare from her mother and have each team try to simulate the most realistic orgy possible. My team got second place.

Second. And then. I don't think I said this on the stage, but like, imagine you're doing all of this and you still only get second. Like you don't even win. You've whipped off your underwear in front of your mother. You're like, it's for the prize. It's for the medal. Simulating an orgy.

With strangers. And you still don't win. Like you're into it. You're trying. it's for the prize. It's for the medal. Simulating an orgy. With strangers. And you still don't win. Like, you're into it. You're trying. With your mother. You're simulating an orgy with your mother. And you don't win. Yeah, it's got to be really heartbreaking.

Man, that would just suck. This is probably why they're asking for more activities. You can't fall back on, at least we won. We got this medal out of it. It was worth doing that crazy shit. So this is a response by Lucky Z i need you to listen closely uh lucky z wrote you need to start butt darts oh all you need is a quarter an empty cup and a lot of alcohol and then uh beach bum 53 who has a minion as their profile picture said although carnival gets its fair share of spring breakers each year i don't think they

want any of their ships to become floating frat houses eek probably be best to keep the college student games on campus and off of the ships smiley face okay nerd lucky z responded uh i think you missed my sarcasm and attempt at humor end of response oh ouch so that was the tempu related conversation about adult games and i and being the home of asu i figured everyone who lives in Arizona knows about butt darts because it seems like a very fratty activity. But no one does because it's not real. I do recall that you threatened to pull your pants down on stage. Yeah, yeah. And everyone cheered and I said, this is not the way I was hoping this show would go.

Yeah. Yeah. And then everyone wanted me to strip at the end. It was not enjoyable for me. But I didn't because they want, well, I didn't for many reasons, but they were like, at least take off the sweatshirt for some reason. Because, okay, I was wearing a hoodie in, it was my Taylor Swift eras tour hoodie. So of course I'm wearing it, but I was wearing it because the AC is blasting so much. It's like cold, even though outside it's like 150 degrees.

But everyone's yelling me to take it off the problem is when i wear a hoodie i tuck my t-shirt in i didn't want to take off my hoodie and be standing there with my t-shirt tucked in like hi everyone you know what you'd be able to say let's leave the frat games at the college and keep them off of our boats. So true. But then a smiley face so that everyone knows how cool and chill you are. All right, it's your turn now. I'm so chill. So chill. I'm bringing us to Salt Lake City. Oh, boy.

This was a fun one. I mean, they all were, but here's a review of BYU. Oh, boy. Painfully, painfully boring if you don't like line dancing or acting like a non-Mormon 13-year-old. If you drink a Mountain Dew, you may as well drive a Harley and have a neck tattoo. End of review. That is the vibe I got.

That is the vibe. That is the vibe. Yeah, people. So true. I was nervous about Salt Lake because people. Well, because I got in your head when I was like, you know, like, half the people are Mormon in this place. Yeah, you really did get in my head.

I was so worried that people were going to be, like, deeply offended, but people loved the Mormon content. No, yeah, they did. I actually have a review of Temple Square in Salt Lake City, which is located in Salt Lake City. We learned a lot about each place we visited. No, and it has the, I think the main temple there. I don't know. Okay, so this is a one-star review by Davin. LDS Temple Square is a misnomer. It is as much about the Jehovah's Witness religion as it is about the Latter-day Saint one. My first visit went okay. I planted an impatience plant where the people get married.

Oh, I forgot. I changed the name of the flower in the actual. Because I was like, I feel like that's confusing to say impatience plant. So I think I changed it to like a carnation or something. I have no idea. This does not sound familiar okay i'm gonna say carnations you were not that high at the show oh no i was 100 sober because i was so i like oh i over corrected i was just like holy shit i should not do that again and i was

stone cold sober for this one no no alcohol no weed nothing, nothing. Okay, I'm going to change it. But he did have a few sips of a Mountain Dew. Oh shit, I wasn't supposed to reveal that! Okay. My first visit went okay. I planted a carnation plant where the people get married. I also left a blue sea thistle plant from Washington State by the offices of

the LDS. The brickwork in front of the Mormon temple was in disarray. They were redoing it so it was gated shut. I met many folks and gave them little tokens and tips for their weddings in progress. Does that not sound like he witnesses a wedding and he's like, oh, here's a token. He's crashing all these weddings with tokens. Yeah, a little trinket. Chuck E. Cheese tokens. I got a little gold coin with a mouse on it. And they're like, is it worth worth anything they turn it over and it's like some you know religious

saying and they're like oh it's not do you think he's real i don't think he's really i have no idea what's going on okay yeah no he's just i'm just talking about how those tips people leave those fake bills dollar bills that you turn them over and it's like, you only need Jesus, not money. Like, okay. That's really great. I'm sure people appreciate that. So basically he's giving people tips as they're getting married on this property. I met many folks and gave them little tokens and tips for their weddings in progress. The second day I went in only one building.

It was a beautiful one with a Star of David on the outside. Interior craftsmanship was impressive. It did look different than a synagogue though, and I remarked on that. I was accosted quickly and purposefully by four guys in security clothing of the Kingdom Hall Watchtower people. Their pupils were dilated. They ordered me quickly to leave, surrounding me on all four sides, and were amazingly rude, and started to lie a bit. They said they were going to call the police. I said I wanted to go to the temple and the LDS offices.

They said, no, you're not. So I escaped their almost sensual pressing, demandingly close bodies, and skipped out to the genealogy library. One ran after me, and practically out to the genealogy library. One ran after me and practically ran into the capable and folded arms of Elder Young. I shook my head and drove off, never to return to Salt Lake City Temple Square ever again, no matter what. Really, Jehovah's police and security by

phone leave something to be desired at Temple Square. The visitors and buildings are nice, though. I wasn't going to turn in all my stuff at the Square. The visitors and buildings are nice, though. I wasn't going to turn in all my stuff at the Jehovah's Witness Visitor Center either, as a lot of others were doing. I just wanted to get the heck away from those will-to-win drama king volunteer guard guys. My family has been told never to come back here, as have my Facebook friends. End of review. You know what this gives me vibes of? i don't think we had done this by this point by the point you had this on stage but your weird fanfic chick-fil-a review yes

like chick daddy or what it was like into a back room uh and i said oh aren't you gonna buy me dinner first yeah put me in a vat of frying oil. Yeah. What was that? That was weird. That was insanity. I think it was a Chick-fil-A review. I forget what your, oh, it was your daddy review.

Oh, my God. Horrifying. So like, yeah, the sensual pressing running to the arms of Elder Young. Elder Young, I meant Daddy Young. Daddy Young. Daddy Elder Young. Elder Daddy Young. Sorry, I'm just trying to see what works best. I'm workshopping. So Elder Young can pick a new

title. That's so funny. He says I don't leave my stuff at the visitor center. It's like, yeah, well, you're carrying potted plants. They probably don't want all of your gardening supplies and Chuck E. Cheese tokens. and what is happening it's so fucking weird and also like why were you there for multiple days in a row yeah and then you drove off into the sunset yeah i don't know i still can't figure it out well i i the top of my salt lake city notes i remember just said like like to tell talk about how much weird shit there is in salt lake city that's going on.

We had a great time there. Don't get me wrong. Oh, it was no, in the, in like the perfect way for our show. It is a weird place. Like you go and you,

I was looking at Atlas Obscura and I did that for every city we went to. And oh my God, it was Salt Lake City. They, there's a place, a cult that practices mummification. Yeah. There were all these like, so like Mormon adjacent parks and sculptures and just some

of the weirdest looking things. It was so fun to go through. The fact that Joseph Smith's name is Joseph Smith makes it kind of hard to like miss or easy to miss. Like it'll be like Smith Park park and you're like oh smith oh that smith it's a mormon thing literally everything yeah everything it's it's really wild but everyone in the audience basically nodded along as we said that like duh as and as you called them all morons that was an accident not them but necessarily uh here's a five-star review

this was one of my favorite moments overall on the whole tour. This is of a sculptor. This is also Salt Lake City. This is of the sculptor Out of the Blue. Is this the whale? And it was funny

because I said that and people were like, some people reacted, but not many. And then I was like, oh, it's a statue of a whale. And they're like, and there's this whale

and the statue's called Out of the Blue and there's this whale that comes out of, I believe it's a statue of a whale and they're like and there's this whale and the statue's called Out of the Blue and there's this whale that comes out of I believe it's the middle of like a roundabout and in the center there's a busy roundabout. Yeah there's just an actual like giant, like it's a big looking whale. It's not an actual whale. It's not an actual whale. It's a statue of a whale but it's very large.

It's a statue of a humpback whale. They say it's a full size sculpture of a humpback whale and it's like a rainbow colored-size sculpture of a humpback whale, and it's like a rainbow-colored. It looks really, really cool. And don't they name him something? That might be in this review. I don't remember. Let me read my review,

and then we'll go from there. Here we go. So this is a five-star review of Out of the Blue. For a long time now, I felt lost, confused, and alone.

I have felt like I'm just struggling in the darkness. Something was missing in my life. I was incomplete. Life was dull, gray,

and unfulfilling. For years, I've been unable to identify what was missing. Then one day, feeling particularly sad and defeated,

I was driving eastbound on 900 south when lo and defeated, I was driving eastbound on 900 south when lo and behold, breaching in fully saturated technicolor beauty, the whale struck me with a wave of beauty. All struck and totally entranced by its epic perfection and idyllic proportions, I could do nothing but find myself entrapped by its roundabout. I must have spent 30 minutes driving in circles around the whale. I could feel its colorful light flowing forth, gushing through my veins. It overflowed and burst out of my mouth in an absolute delighted shriek of joy. My dull sadness was completely washed away.

For the first time in my life, I had meaning. I was giggling like a madman in my car as I went round and round and round and round again as I committed myself completely to diving into its whirlpool. I understand now. Everything is and always has been the whale. Every Sunday since, I join the worshippers Basking in the whale's eternal rainbow light And perform a minimum seven circles of the roundabout While throwing a humble offering of krill out my window

I now go forth into the world with a newfound purpose Of spreading the love and light of the whale to all around me I could not be happier I encourage all to do the same All hail the whale All hail the whale All hail same. All hail the whale. All hail the whale. All hail the whale. All hail the whale.

All hail the whale. All hail the whale. All hail the whale. Woo, end of review. Yeah, and what was so fun is everyone, of course, started chanting all hail the whale in the crowd. It was just so much fun. So it's now called the

church of the sacred whale oh my god it spawned a new religion holy shit it's like and by the way it went up in 2022 so it it was like a new thing it was like a very abrupt and sudden and divisive situation but look at their flag holy shit it's like's like the new official Utah theocracy flags, hashtag all hail the whale. And it has like pride flags. I don't know. I don't know what's happening, but the whale is very involved.

And then on their Instagram, it says worship the ninth and ninth whale in hashtag SLC, created by artificial intelligence, more than 95% written by chat GPT. That's terrifying. So all these images and these captions are all? I don't know, man. But this is just a very odd.

This is terrifying. The sacredwhale.org will tell you more. Okay. Like, look at this. This is crazy. This is intense. A message of unity and sisterhood. As the sacred whale spoke to us, its words were filled with wisdom and guidance.

What is with Salt Lake City and everything becoming a cult? Have you sought guidance from the sacred whale today? Yeah, kind of. Oh, guidance now. This is all AI. Holy shit. These images, yeah. This is creeping me out.

No, this blog. Oh, the whole blog. I think the whole thing. Oh, jeez, that's so fucking weird. Yeah, I don't like that. That kind of scares me. What would you tell Chad? Write a story about a whale that's sacred.

I mean. Yeah, I guess. Probably be like, all right. Okay, good job, Zandy. Thank you so much. What else do we have now? Next is St. Louis, Missouri. Okay, I don't have any from there that I bought. I'll go ahead if that's okay then.

Some of them we traded off to make sure we hit every city. Yeah, yeah. We didn't want to make this like two hours long. Here is a one-star review. This is of the City museum in St. Louis Missouri and it's hard to describe this place it's not much of a museum

I don't think it's more of like it's like a building but it's like a giant jungle gym kind of thing like kids play through it like an interactive yeah but it's like it's also like not new so it's very like metal metallic and just it's really intense looking it's a junkyard it you know i think

some people called it a junkyard uh in their reviews for sure um but no it's like really hard to it's like definitely like geared towards geared towards, they call it an all ages architectural playground. Okay. Tunnels, caves, slides and rides inside and out. So here I'll show you a couple of pictures. There's like a bunch of slides and stuff on the inside and these like outdoor, like intense climbing things with like flames. It's pretty intense. So it looks cool to me.

Here's a one star review though. It looks cool to me. Here's a one-star review, though. Shocked at our experience. Teens were moaning in the caves and screaming, Oh, Daddy, please dribble on me. It was disgusting. Seems like an easy childcare choice when looking at the price. Not a place for toddlers. Our daughter is four and we took her to the

toddler zone. So many teens doing whatever they wanted, wherever they wanted. Oh my god! There's literally no security anywhere. I have never been anywhere with less thought. End of review. Oh my god! Oh daddy, please dribble on me.

Like, oh my god I want to vomit in my mouth. Like, I assume it's, like, a joke. You know, like, the kids are joking around. But I, like, can't confidently say that. Like, I don't think the review is a joke. Like, I think that was sad. Yeah.

Just the teens are just messing around. I'm disturbed by that. Do you think it has one of those, like, things where, like, you talk into one end and you can hear it on the other end of the archway or whatever? It's like one of those cool sound distributors. So someone's just in there whispering into the tunnel. Yeah. I'm waiting for like. And to be fair, I don't think it's that bad for toddlers.

They don't know what it means. Yeah, true. It's probably worse for like 10-year-olds who are actually slightly more. Mommy, who does that? Yeah. Nope, I'm not. Alexander. I didn't say it. Are you done? Yes. Okay, so I have a Kansas City review. Okay. This is a

three star review and this is something I decided to do is try to look for Fox reviews in the cities we went to. So I have a three star review of the Kansas City International Airport by Fox. And it says, Don't get Kansas City mixed up with a Kansas CD, which is really just dust in the wind. I visit KC often to perform concerts to some of the best crowds in the country, or to visit great friends

in this area, such as you, Kay, and you, C, if you're reading. It makes me wonder what's real and what's not. I feel like I didn't pick up on all of this at the time. Why is that so funny now? I don't know. At best, I've had mediocre

experiences, with some bad ones going through security and some awful ones. Food and amenity options are not great, and the layout is iffy, too. It's not as friendly of a place as you'd expect in a friendly area like KC. Needs an upgrade and some customer service lessons, but still, it's relatively easy to get in and out, and parking isn't bad, so I won't give it less than a three. If they sold fruit here it'd be a pair port and the review had to throw one last one in there he has a way with words so true i like to think he put that at the end was like i'll find a place for this and then forgot and just left it as the closer and i think what i said on stage was don't airports or maybe you said this don't airports sell fruit oh yeah you said it and i

said oh yeah and also it probably wouldn't be a pair port if it's sold fruit if it was because it does sell fruit and it's not a pair port exactly so maybe if it wasn't fruit i don't know my brain i love it I love it. Okay. This is a Kansas City review. This is of Paula's Psychic Shop. Ooh! I'm sure I did that last time, too. I don't remember.

Yeah. Here's a one-star review. I forgot about this one, so I hope you did as well. I certainly have. You guys, I'm mostly mad at myself for fucking up so badly here. This lady had me walk 15 minutes to her other location, had clearly just woken up from a nap, had me sit on her couch while she checked her phone every five minutes,

told me the most generic bullshit. I mean, if you're going to lie to me, at least pretend like you know what the fuck you're talking about. Then to top off her unprofessionalism she had me go buy her beer i didn't i mean to be honest like at this at the point where like most people don't get to that point in her readings like by that point she was like i could make this person do whatever i said this is working great or maybe she thought you were a hypnotherapy client instead of a psychic and was like, oh. What's testing our abilities? Yeah, and it worked.

It worked. I find it pretty effective. I did it all. I bought her beer, then left her fucking money. I paid this woman to waste 20 minutes of my time. Do not step foot in this establishment. Follow your instincts. She fully sucks.

End of review. That is so heartbreaking because i feel like that's something i would do and i would end up at the end going why did i just do all that yeah like she just tricked me with her wiles you go in there for like a certain type of experience like who are like you go in there kind of i assume anyone who goes in there is trying to suspend all like disbelief they might have just really try to get into the process of what this is just because hey

who knows maybe it works maybe it does something good for them so they go willing to do whatever and like believe whatever and yeah and then get taken advantage like that like I could see myself doing that if I were in that position but I'm not very good at saying no. So, um, yeah, I feel like anyone with boundary issues should

really be careful around that lady. They should be careful around psychics in general. That's probably true too. Um, so I have another, what was that? That was in where? Maybe everyone should be more careful around psychics. Anyway, I'm saying. What city was that? That was still Kansas City. I have one more from Kansas City. Oh, okay. Me too. Cool. So I have a review of Yellow Cab of Kansas City.

Oh my God. When you said Kansas City, I was like, I think this is the Yellow Cab City. It is. And then when you didn't do it for the first one, I was like, hmm, I wonder if she has two for this. When Zandy said, I think we should. What about reading reviews, our favorite reviews from our live shows? I was like, I only have one that I really, really, really am invested in right now.

And it's this one. I'm going to be honest. Like the first one I thought of when we came up with this idea was this one. Yes. Because I was like, this one was different. It was. And I think you mentioned it on the podcast too. Oh, I did.

Because I think people, I think on Patreon, on the Facebook group, someone posted the screenshots of the review because someone was like, hey, does anyone, anyone who was at the show. Oh really, so they found it. Yeah, someone who was at the show found it and like shared it with some of the people. So it'll be fun for you to read it here. Yellow Cab of Kansas City. This is a saga. As you know, I love a good saga. And so we start with this post. This is Becky's review. And it starts as a one star review.

Never again. The guy was drinking a pint bottle of wild turkey the entire trip, laughing like a maniac, telling some sick joke about a dill pickle to top it off he was picking his nose maybe that was the joke i don't know i don't know sick joke you know when dad calls you like sometimes he's like oh you're sick but he's like joking, but it always comes off so much harsher. Like to call someone sick. Yeah. It's very, yeah. Yeah. Uh,

I don't know. Telling some sick joke about a dill pickle to top it off. He was picking his nose. That was one sick ride. Really? Yellow cab. He acted like a crazy man. I did not tip.

He called me the C word. Oh, Jesus. Bye. Yellow cab. Co. Uh, one month later, here is an updated review. The same person for the record.

Same person, to clarify, and I'll give you the timing. One month later. I have no idea why I keep giving you people one more chance. Okay, you guys are cheap. I always get this dude. Why? Can you tell me why? He is unkempt, smells as if deodorant is not in his budget, and is inappropriate in every sentence.

He kept rubbing his head, saying his head itched horribly, since his last ex put Nair in his shampoo bottle, and he used the whole bottle before realizing something was wrong. His hair was fried. Too funny. Chalk one up for the ex. I thought it was a woman, but he kept talking about some principal named Vincent and crying. OMG, where do you find your driver's a loony bin? Again, you are cheap. One star for that, yellow cab. Now this review is from

one week later, I believe. Within the month within the month same person same person one star you did it again yellow cab no you did it again i said this on stage i'm like look this person like you cannot keep blaming them like i i get that they shouldn't be acting as this driver should be better of course like obviously i'm not on this driver's side or this company's side but come on like move on most real real example of fool me once fool me twice shame on me like yes you know you've already admitted like you made a big mistake choosing this company three times yeah like let's find a new let's get to uber yeah exactly oh by the way i was gonna mention this at the end, but I'll say it now.

These reviews were all written within the last year. Yeah. So it would be very different if it were like 20 years ago. Exactly. Before Uber, you know, was as prolific as it is today. So one star, and that was within the month of that last review. You did it again, yellow cab. This time I was smarter. One star, and that was within the month of that last review. You did it again, yellow cab.

This time, I was smarter. No, you weren't. I was like, I beg to differ. I was able to recognize the car as I stepped close by the huge key marks all over the hood. Someone hates him. Sure enough, as I stooped to open the door it was indeed the same little troll i quickly started walking away leaving the door wide open what did he do tried to chase me yelling wait come back he pulled out a whistle he pulled like oh he's probably like finally a use for my whistle that i've been carrying on me

for 20 years he pulled out a whistle even and using it whistling then yelling come back i felt like a character out of titanic when rose was floating in the water whistling for help omg that's the crazy for the day i walked really yellow? Really? And here's an update from one month later. Insane. And I will say this is the final update. Jesus. One star. Well, hello, it's you again.

I just have all the luck. Okay, but it really is people like this who are like- This isn't luck. I'm so unlucky. And it's like, you are literally doing, calling the same phone number over and over, knowing what's going to happen. Definition of insanity. Yep.

And like it would be unlucky if you suddenly downloaded Uber and your first Uber driver was this guy. That would be unlucky. That would be insane. He's like, I also switch platforms. Yeah, exactly. But no, this is this is one of the very possible outcomes every time you do this there's a way

to have it be unlikely yeah just don't use the company download a different app it's so annoying but like I mean she's not even

getting in the car anymore so it's not even like oh I had a bad drive it's like well I ordered the ride and then I had to walk he whistled at me and chased me

he traumatized me and then I had to walk I mean none of this sounds like it's worth the cheap price exactly okay this is the final update it was one month after that last one well hello it's you again i just have all the luck it's him and his finest his mustache today completely covers his mouth kind of like the door guard to emerald city in wizard of o. About same shortness, too. Not as snarly today, whining most of the trip about getting dumped by his ex for a buff fireman named Tony with a longer hose. After the dump, he was kicked out of the vehicle and left at the Stover Fair.

My first thought was to suggest he should have tried to catch a job with the carnival workers. He'd have fit in perfect. He seemed so distraught I didn't have the heart today. As I paid for my fare, I gave him an unearned tip, but this was my charity for God's work, I guess. I said, cheer up. Don't you pick up your middle school principal Vince next? He looked up and his crazy looking face lit up. Freaking fireman, don't have anything on my guy. He sped off. I know I'll see that crazy yellow cab man again.

But I always carry mace now. Yellow cab, you sure know how to pick them. End of review. What a lovely relationship. This is almost like a toxic relationship. It is. She's like, I just know this is my lot in life yeah i'm gonna and i'm like it doesn't have to be it really doesn't have it doesn't have to be you

can you can very easily not be part of this there doesn't seem anything beneficial about being in a car with this man except maybe some good content for yelp yeah true i mean honestly that's probably all it is because it's something to talk about. You wrote this in a memoir, no one will believe you. I only believe it because it's on Yelp. Because it's on Yelp. And there's a lot of specific... The fact that you're reposting a review every month or week or whatever.

I love that the final review had such a positive spin but was still one star. She's like, oh no, they don't deserve any more credit. Okay. My last one from Kansas city is of a party city there uh this is a one-star review sorry who can't believe this one i have no idea i know this one. I have no idea what it's called. I know. This one just, I think, just... I have no memory of this. The whole room was like, holy shit. Okay, here we go. Stacy's comment

to my 12-year-old grandson was highly insensitive and promotes dangerous behavior. I would immediately speak to her and educate her about the dangers of promoting such games and urge her to refrain from making such comments in the future. My grandson had no idea what Russian roulette was.

She said, quote, you are thinking about the game where you put a gun to your head and see if it kills you. I was very upset by this comment. End of review. See if it kills you. Holy fuck. That doesn't even describe, like, that's not even, that's not even a helpful description of Russian roulette. You just put up a gun and see if it kills you. I know it's not even

that accurate. Alexander. Welcome to Party City. You're thinking about the game where you put a gun up to your head and see if it kills you. It's fucking Party City.

Like, why is this coming up? I feel like the kid was like, I meant Twister where you have colorful spots on the ground. Right? Oh, I know what you're thinking of. We don't have that here. I don't think that's what my 12-year-old is thinking about.

He is now, though, and probably really disturbed. Okay. What was that from? Boston? No, it was Kansas City. Next is Boston, though. Okay, great. So I have one from Boston as well.

Cool. This is of the Harvard merch store. Okay, cool. What? That one wasn't from Boston. Yeah. For the record. This one is.

Yes, my next one is, too. One Star by John. The clothing section is staffed like an outlet. There's no one to answer questions. On the phone with my wife overseas, designations like small, medium, large for children's sizes aren't much help. When I finally accosted the clerk, she treated brushed off my request for a ruler or tape measure. But they sell rulers upstairs!

So I managed to get a ruler and get my measurement without any further help from this rude lady. If you want a low level service experience, go to the Harvard coop for name brand clothing. End of review. I think it was just the admission of assaulting the employee. Accosting them. Accosting them. And it's like, they're probably a student. Like how can you? It's so stupid. Yeah. This is a fact. I mean, it doesn't matter who it is, but like I accosted them.

Yeah. It's definitely one of those two where by the end you're like, wait, I forgot what this was a review of. That makes it even like. And also like small, medium, large doesn't work for children's sizing. Like, what do you mean? I don't know. I don't know.

What do you want? I don't know. Also. Give me a ruler. This is not, this is not like a department store. No. Yeah. You sell rulers upstairs.

Go get your own ruler, weirdo. Then go buy one. That's not her problem. That's so fucking weird. So he's on the phone with his wife like, the length is five centimeter different in the large children's shirt. Yeah, like what are you going to do? What kind of information are you seeking? I don't know.

The inseam? Can't you just like put it up to your child? Or I guess if they're not there, maybe. But like, do you know your child's like exact measurements? Maybe. I don't know how this works. Okay. So Boston, first of all, what a fun like venue.

Like I think that arts at the Army was such a cool place. Remember when our... That was so funny i'm sorry our our contact for the day was so great so this is such a funny story i called and i said hey uh we're out front and they were like okay uh i'll be right out not that rudely but they were like okay i'll be right out. Not that rudely, but they were like, okay, I'll be right out. And just hung up. And I was like, okay. Yeah, we were like, that's weird. That was very abrupt.

Like, I didn't even introduce myself. I don't know. It's like, okay, wow. Okay, they're on it. And then like several minutes go by and we're like, that's weird. Nobody came out. Yeah. And we were like, wow, this, what a rough start.

You know, like, we're like going, I was walking around the building, which was a cool building, so I didn't mind. I was like, where should we go in? To be honest, I thought maybe they were mad at me because of the way they were upgrading. It was like a little grust. And I was like, this is weird. So I text the number again this time.

And I'm like, hey, just checking in. We're still out front. And then there's this pause where I see a couple bubble dots come up. And then all of a sudden, my phone rings. And up and they go oh my god i thought you were my uber driver so when you called i was like yeah i'll be right there because like they were and like the uber was pulling up right at that moment so it's like it wasn't like it was and then they were like but when they texted me and they were driving, I realized suddenly that's not my Uber driver. Oh, my God.

So they felt really bad about it. Yeah, no, it was so funny. It was one of those hilarious misunderstandings. And then ended up having like being a very good start to the whole thing and the whole venue and everyone was just absolutely wonderful. So it was really great. So shout out to Max for that kind of hilarious start to that show. Because at first we were like, this is not going to go well. They clearly don't want us here.

And there was like a piano lesson happening inside. We're like, are we at the right place? Yeah, there were children. We were like, oh, oh. Oh, oh, no. We don't know what to do. We have to be careful. But it was absolutely amazing.

Should I tell them about Russian letters for another day? Okay. But despite it being such a wonderful experience, I've read reviews of one of the worst businesses I've ever come across on Yelp. I knew this was coming. And I've read like four or five, but I'm only bringing one here. Okay, when you said this, this is the one I thought of for you. Yeah, it was wild.

So this was my saga, kind of. And I'll give you some of the details. So this place had two five-star reviews. This is on Yelp. Four four-star reviews, seven three-star reviews, 21 two-star reviews, and 229 one-star reviews. That's insane. And I read through most of them. I did not reviews and 229 one-star reviews. That's insane. And I read through most of them.

I did not finish. 229. But I did not come across a single like, oh, I heard this place is bad. Because there was news about this place. It was like genuine experiences. One-star experiences that people had at this business. And there were so many. So I picked my favorite like four or five.

And then here is one, my favorite of those, I think, um, this is a one-star review. Does it have, do we know the name of it or? Oh, this is of the tannery outlet. I'm sorry. I forgot. I hadn't said that, uh, on, uh, Boylston though. Oh, I believe. And then afterward, what, when you were telling me, I didn't know how to say Boylston? No. Oh, that was a whole bit. I did tell you that. But no, afterward, my father-in-law, who was at the show,

starts scrolling through his phone all the way back. Like a decade ago, he took a picture of that place. Blaze's brother's name is Tanner. Tanner, yeah. And he was like, oh, I passed that place in Boston like 10 years ago and took this picture to send to Tanner so he had an actual photo of it

it's so funny thank god you didn't go in to buy him a present you would have had a terrible experience it's great this Yelp 1.2 stars

that's rare 263 reviews so rare for that many reviews very rare so rare 87% of their reviews are one star

I seriously think the only place I've ever encountered like that is Yellow Cab of Kansas City like no joke okay here's are one star. I seriously think the only place I've ever encountered like that is Yellow Cab of Kansas City. Like, no joke. Okay, here's a one star review. We popped into the tannery while shopping last week and I'm still so confused by what occurred that I almost wish I could give negative stars. A young man was asking someone, whom I now know to be the owner, for a shoe in a different

color. He didn't even want to try them on he just walked in to purchase them the owner then says i'm too busy the man looked confused and said i'm going to buy these i just want them in black please the owner replies i said i'm busy come back tomorrow i'm too busy i was floored this man wanted to buy shoes, not try them on or take up anyone's time. Was it busy in the store? Sure, it's Boylston, but come on. However, what followed was even worse. The customer then said, thoroughly annoyed at this point, I want to buy these if you'd stop being such a dick. To which the owner replied in the loudest voice I've possibly ever heard. Get the fuck out of my store. Get out of my store. Get the fuck out.

And asked another employee to kick this customer out of the store. Every person in the store was now watching the owners. I thought you said asked another customer to kick them out of the store. And I was like, I'd be like, this is not my fucking problem. This sounds about right though. The poor employee too is like, I just needed a summer job. Every person in the store was now watching the owner's temper tantrum my dad then says wow that sure makes you want to shop here and the owner says

oh yeah nice haircut good one so now my father is pissed and says nice stomach it really was a huge stomach. And the owner says, it is nice, especially if you come over and sit on it. What? So my dad says, I'm sure I wouldn't be the first. And we headed right out. I was stunned. Never have I seen such a total jerk in general, let alone a store owner acting that way toward paying customers i will never set foot in the store again and i advise you all to do the same end of review alexander that is the craziest shit ever i feel like the only thing missing was a whistle like if you know right and started screaming yeah and saying the c word i'd been like it's the same guy they're related but. But this guy, based on the overt racism, homophobia, sexism,

everything that you could think of was in these reviews. It was like I could not have touched on all of it. It was so bad. And there's a review or an article on Boston Magazine called The Bully of Boylston Street about this owner. About this guy. His name is Sam Hassan, and it says he made a fortune buying real estate and selling designer shoes.

Now he's filed for bankruptcy, closed two of his three stores, and is being sued for racial discrimination. How did it all go wrong? I think we all know how it went wrong. Read on to find out. And that was in 2019. And then there's the most most official it's mass.gov the official website of the commonwealth of massachusetts um there's a press release

from the office of the attorney general oh my god what's this titled owner of the tannery banned from retail business in massachusetts required to compensate victims he discriminated against under settlement with AG's office. Oh, my Lord. He had to pay up to $220,000 for victim restitution and anti-discrimination and racial justice programs. And that was in 2021. Well, I imagine his employees needed quite a bit of restitution as well. I can't imagine that was an enjoyable experience. Oh, God, no.

Yeah. So, like, because that's the thing is yeah these reviews were not only the ones i read were not only like oh yeah he treated customers like shit it was like holy i just saw him treat his employees like shit like it didn't matter who it seemed it was just like slurs and oh the worst shit that you could read so that's very deserving 1.2 stars i was was going to say, it's very full circle. Rarely do we see like the attorney general being like, you know, Yelp, we agree with you. We're going to take action.

Yeah. Yeah. So just one of those like wild things I stumbled on that was just like so insane. And honestly, I think I would just like, I'm trying to remember, but I might have just found this on Google Maps. Just clicked on it. I got lucky, you know. That that's crazy maybe you saw how few stars i had and you were like yeah maybe something like wild like wrong here that's what happened with yellow cab yeah um okay well i have one more from boston uh this is a one star review

and it is by bill of the boston the boston university Of Boston University, my alma mater. One star. I've asked BU School of Law several times in the past 10 years not to spam me. Every single week, I get a newsletter from them. This is the worst university on the planet. You will regret having gone here. It's in the worst section of Boston. Very cold cold bitter weather

unfriendly students all wishing they went to harvard i should have listened to everyone who said if you're going to be you you may as well go to a community college in florida great weather students and believe it or not you'll learn so much more do you really think everyone said that so every single person said that to me No one cares that I graduated from BU. No one. They think you're a joke. Seriously. All I'm ever asked is, you couldn't get into Hartford?

Who are these person's friends, by the way? I know, right? All I'm ever asked, I'm like, find a new friend. You famously went to BU. I did. And like, I feel silly even asking it, but has anyone ever made any comment like that towards you about like Harvard? Like that's insane.

Not even like, not even as a joke? Like who are they surrounding themselves with? You're right. Like not even anything. Exactly. Like not even as a joke, I would think to do that.

It's just a weird thing to say. And I like make fun of you all the time for shit. And honestly, I don't wish I'd gone to Harvard. Well, see, I went to Wright State. Yeah. And I think it's funny when people say oh right state wrong school yeah that's because that's hilarious that's clever right but like just make being like oh you you didn't get into ohio state not that anyone would say that or anything it's just like this is funny i don't know

be clever with it at least come up with something clever. They think you're a joke. Seriously. All I'm ever asked is, you couldn't get into Harvard? And now the Craigslist killer added even more prestige. I forgot about this. I was like, I feel like I was like, I feel like we're getting somewhere. The last line is out of control.

Okay, sorry. And now the Craigslist killer added even more prestige and I'm considered a psycho. I'm sorry, are you the Craigslist killer? Exactly. Is this what that means? That's so right. That is so fucking- I don't understand why that would make you a psycho, you weirdo.

Also, I'm a true crime podcaster and I'm not, I don't consider myself having any relation to the Craigslist killer just because I went to BU. I didn't even know, like, that it feels like it's very low on the list of things to know about the Craigslist killer. I feel like he has either a friend or relative who's, like, so niche with their, like, insults or something where they're like, oh, yeah. It's got to be something like that. You can never prove yourself to me. Yeah. Son.

Son. Yeah, so then they became It was like Craigslist killer origin story It sounds like Oh I mean like So fucking weird Bill

Ip I have no idea what you're saying Phillip is the Craigslist killer Oh was I supposed to Just for viewers Bill Oh

Bill Phillip Yeah makes sense Man that just reminded me Of how in Boston, like, you brought up Whitey Bulger. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, but I mocked a guy who was like, said he did jobs for Whitey Bulger or something. But I think you said that after I mocked him. Anyway, I was, I got really, just really.

What was I talking about? Oh, you were scared we were going to get. Not me, because you read a review and it was someone who was talking about how like they used to, it was like some vague, like, yeah, I used to do things for Whitey Bulger or something. And I, but he had said something before that I cut you off and made fun of the guy. And then you said that and I'm like, holy shit. I should not have said anything about this guy who was like in cahoots with Whitey Bulger. We had a whole weird Whitey Bulger thing. We've had to change our name and move to a new state.

It was a whole thing. And it made me really nervous. So my stomach just hurts again. Good thing Whitey Bulger is dead, Zandy. I know, but like still, that doesn't mean that like. That his ghost can't come for you. Well, Whitey Bulger had protégés, presumably. He probably did.

I don't know. Anyway, I'm going to pretend like I don't know anything about that. I realized that we, and I think this was my fault, because in my notes I had it this way. Skip New York. New York was before our Boston show. Oh, sorry. That's my fault. I didn't have any from New York in my notes. Well, I've got one here. This is a one-star review of the Balto statue. Oh, yeah. Uh, if you're not familiar with Balto, Balto was an Alaskan Husky and, um, sled dog who achieved fame when he led a team of sled dogs on the final leg of the 1925 serum run to Nome in which diphtheria and this team of sled dogs brought the anti-toxin to a small town and saved all these lives.

The heroes as usual. Exactly. But here is a review of the statue. There's a statue that exists in Central Park. Yes. Yes. Like an animated kids movie. Yes.

That's how like most people, I think, know. You can apparently see Balto's taxidermied body in Cleveland, of all places. Oh, at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Could you imagine? It's actually at Cleveland Museum of Natural History. Aw. Interesting. Okay, here we go. Here's a one-star review of the History. Aw. Interesting. Okay, here we go.

Here's a one-star review of the Balto statue. Who wants to see some goat who delivered medicine and saved lives? I mean, there is no color. It is bland and useless. All it is is a statue of a random rodent. If it delivered pie, then maybe I'd change my mind. End of review. Oh my god.

It's useless. It's so funny. Like other statues that It's useless. It's so funny. Like other statues that are so useful. It's so funny. It's so stupid. I will say, what a gorgeous, like, cute, gorgeous statue. There's no color on that. There is none.

Except where everyone rubbed his ears. That's so cute. Look at that. It's so cute. Oh, his little ears and his little butt where he gets little scritches. Yeah. Okay, I will say, though, there was some drama in these reviews. I mentioned this at the show, but there are people who are, like, really upset that Balto got a statue and the other dog, another dog or other dogs who, like, quote unquote, like, contributed more.

Yeah. But, like, Balto got the story. Yeah. But like Balto got the story. Yeah. But like there are dogs who like actually ran farther and like, cause again, Balto was the last leg. So I think it was like a shorter leg than what other dogs was just leading a team.

So, and they were like, of course all these people involved, whatever, but this is a statue of a dog. This dog is not like getting anything out of this statue. Like, don't be mad at this. I have bad news.

At Balto. The dogs are all dead now. Yeah. Sorry. That too. That's sad, obviously. But, you know, I think they're, like. But supposedly the real hero, or not the real hero, one of the other heroes is Togo. The dog Togo. Okay.

And I feel like this is maybe a symbolic statue of all the dogs that... Yeah. I don't know. Balto probably does represent more, but like more than just himself, but also where are the other dog statues? Maybe they just weren't as cute. I'm just feeding into the drama.

Got him. Okay, this is a... you're worried about whitey bulger i'm worried about the ghost of togo now oh gosh coming for you uh what a great ghost to have yeah actually it sounds cute and actually well-behaved dog that like saves lives yeah geo would be so pissed if that came into my house okay uh i have a review from philly this is actually my last one okay i've got two more So do you want me to do one first? Sure. Okay. So this review is of a PetSmart in Philly. And the only background I'll give you is that this is about a turtle. Okay. Here we go. We just upgraded Waldo from his 10-gallon starter tank to a badass huge tank with canister filter, hand-collected river rocks, luxurious basking platform, and so on. Inspired by several YouTubers, I got Waldo some friends, two tetrafish and a pleco, and a few underwater plants.

Waldo is pretty much a lazy fucker. He dances for me at feeding time He dances! That's how lazy I know, right? Very active For a turtle? I know I screamed this on stage

Exactly as it went down But I still stand by my opinion That's not a lazy turtle It's dancing for food I mean, it's not like we're scripted You very much react to this as we go So yes, I understand why it's the exact same reaction Because I agree.

A dancing turtle, how lazy could that be? So lazy. He dances for me at feeding time and will occasionally dance if I'm working out in the living room. But otherwise, he's a fairly docile little guy. Anyway, upon meeting his new friends, he went fucking wild.

He was chasing them vigorously. They found they could nearly hide between the heater and the glass or between the filter tubes and the glass, but Waldo was ruthless. He ate one of the tetras within three minutes. It was like the shark seed and the little mermaid.

On the drive home from PetSmart, I was okay with the potential of these three rather inexpensive fish dying instantly, but by the time they were in the tank escaping the bloodbath, I felt very responsible for their lives. I promptly removed the now well-fed turtle from the tank and had my wife babysit him

while I fished the remaining fish out of the tank. He's like, here, watch this monster covered in blood. Yeah, and here we go. Babysit him for a minute. To my wife, watching Waldo meant getting herself, Waldo, and our dog into a selfie. Somehow, this led to Bella, the dog, getting bit. I got the fish out, got them safely in a Tupperware, got Waldo back in his tank, and took off to PetSmart, hoping they'd be put back in the safety of professionals.

Surprisingly, PetSmart refunded all the fish, even the dead one. Oh my god. Yay, customer service. When I got home, he'd eaten all of his plants. Fucking asshole turtle. Anyway, I'm now slightly proud, slightly scared, very intrigued by my Game of Thrones level turtle. On an unrelated note, two trips to PetSmart in one day has sparked an interest in parakeets. They're super cute, very charismatic.

Anyone here fuck with birds at all? Anyone here have a killer turtle story? End of review. Oh my God. I realized about halfway through and said, I got him some friends and I went, aw. And then I went, this is sounding a little too familiar. Oh yes, oh yes.

That turtle is bloodthirsty. Yes. And also now that Waldo's gotten a taste for it, I don't think you should be bringing parakeets in the home. I think Waldo now realized that he is a killer and has accepted his role as a killer. The dog was a little too much. He bit off too much,

more than he can chew with that one. But parakeets, I think that's a possibility. I see that happening. I could see a turtle eating a parakeet. I don't want to. I feel like the turtle would play dead. The parakeet would come like check on the turtle and then he would snap.

You know? Oh, I know. That is a tragic tale, but I'm glad he got his money back. I know. I honestly, like, I'm kind of impressed that they were like, yeah, here's a refund for all three of them. Oh, that's sad. They should have been like, hey, that turtle is going to eat this fish, but whatever.

I mean, but that's it. The person did their research by watching YouTube videos. What more can you ask? No, but like, I don't know. If you read online, like I would believe that if I saw someone saying that these are good fish to have as pets for the turtle. I would be so, I would feel so responsible.

I'd be like, I'd feel terrible. I'd feel terrible for the one who survived and now has trauma. Like, look, I'm vegan, but I don't know if fish have trauma. I like how I take it farther in certain directions and you're like, I'm the one who doesn't even drink milk. But meanwhile. I mean, granted, this isn't like nature.

They're in tanks, and they don't get to experience the beauty of the natural world. Wow. But if they were in the natural world. Sounds like a pretty beautiful world. He's getting to eat dogs and parakeets for fun. True. Waldo's living the dream. Waldo is living the dream. It's Waldo's world. We're allakeets for fun. True. Waldo's living the dream. Waldo is living the dream.

It's Waldo's world. We're all just living in it. True. So this is my last review. It is a review from Philadelphia of Ben Franklin's grave. And this is a two... There were a lot of Ben Franklin reviews I brought to the show. This is a two-star review by Brian.

The title is, Skip this unless you have a graveyard thing. to the show. This is a two-star review by Brian. The title is, Skip This Unless You Have a Graveyard Thing. Which I do. This is absolutely not worth the $14 we would have paid for a family of four to get into. We gained access via

the three-day Philadelphia Pass. Okay, it's a very old graveyard. That said, most of the headstones are either so weather-worn or belong to people you've never heard of that it would only be really cool at night for the creep factor or if you are seriously into that sort of thing. It closes at 4 p.m. It reminds me of when people describe, back in the day, gay people and they're like, they're a little funny or it's a funny cigarette.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a little different you know just like these weird veiled things oh huh unless you have a unless you are seriously into that sort of thing it closes at 4 p.m so there's not a chance to go at night unless you hop the fence the main reason we went was to see ben franklin's grave so glad i didn't pay to get in franklin's grave is right next to the wall and that part is open through a grate you can see it from the street slash sidewalk the bottom line is if all you are going to do is see ben franklin's grave see it from the street and then cross the street

and go somewhere else end of review weirdly enough they're not wrong i know but also like what do you expect but like why are they so fucking weird about like it's like you went in for free i understand if you paid 14 bucks you'd be like okay that's kind of lame but like you got in for free it's the grave of ben franklin yeah and i'd say what it says on the tin a majority of the people who pay to go there do not have what you think is a graveyard thing. It's like a historic grave marker for a historic person. And yeah, you just should know that like that before I was, when I went there, I read online,

you don't have to go in, you can see it from the street. So we just saw it from the street and that was it. But yeah, I don't know. People are just, it's like, it's like,

it's just a grave. Well, yeah. You want an interactive experience? A light show? A hologram of Ben Franklin coming up above the grave. I bet you give it 20 years. I bet you. Four score and seven.

I don't know. I don't know any Ben Franklin quotes. I've invented the kite. Oh, no. This lightning might strike my kite with a key. But I'm made of a holograph, so it's good news that I won't be electrocuted this time. I think we got a good business idea. You know what?

That story, I feel like I need to... I have not read up on that story. I don't think you need to. Just from middle school, I'm like, oh yeah, Ben Franklin flew a kite. He invented a kite. Discovered electricity by tying a key to a kite, and that's all I know. So I'm like, I think that's not how it went down. Yeah, it is, and then the lightning hit it.

But what does it, that's it? And he was like, oh shit, metal conducts electricity. Okay, that's how it happened? I don't know. See, exactly. I'm like, I know that's what we're told, but that's one of those stories I never looked into. So let me just have the Ben Franklin enthusiast email us. To dispel another myth, Franklin's kite was not struck by lightning.

See? If it had been, he probably would have been electrocuted. See? Instead, the kite picked up the ambient electrical charge from the storm. Okay, that's cool. Not. How does he know? Okay, never mind. I don't care. I'm just pretty sure that there's baby angels's cool. Not. How does he know? Okay, never mind.

I don't care. There's baby angels on it. Why are there angels helping him? That's so fucking weird. That's what happened. That's not what happened. That is. He invented the kite with the angels at his side.

He did not invent the kite. I think he did. The kite was probably invented in like 200 BC or something stupid. You're not right. Look, somebody even made a drawing of it so that we understand. Oh my God. That looks, that's hilarious. Hemp rope, parentheses, wet.

This is like too good to be a child, but like not good enough to be super professional. Yeah, I was gonna, I almost said it looks like a kid. And then I looked at it. I'm like, no, actually it doesn't look like a kid. It's a little too good polish, but like still. Maybe like a high school, like a talented high schooler who's using MS paint. Maybe like a high school, like a talented high schooler who's using MS Paint. Anyway, there are a lot more moving parts to this image than what I was taught in school.

So already I'm correct. But speaking of Franklin, I do have my final review here is of the Franklin Institute. Excellent. Okay. This is a one-star review. And for those who don't know, this is a science museum in Philadelphia. One star. Visited the so-called exhibit Lost Egypt.

There's nothing but few photos, few children games, and a teenage girl's mummy. I have been to many exhibits, but this one is definitely not an exhibit. My mother-in-law's house has more pictures, art, and bigger house. She is a living mummy, so that is more interesting. End of review. That was my favorite. She is a living mummy, so beat that. It was so stupid. Who needs a teenage girl mummy?

I love joke reviews where it's like they're real reviews, but they throw in their own stupid little jokes. They're like, huh, take that. It's not absurd. It's like they're just insulting their mother-in-law for no reason on a review of the Franklin Institute. It's so stupid. I love it. A living mummy. It's so funny. Boring.

Just a teenage dead girl. Boring. Check out my mother-in-law. Her house is so much bigger, too. What a weird thing to brag about. Which is not true at all. I don't know this person's mother-in-law, but I'm sorry. I highly doubt that their mother-in-law's house is bigger.

This place is massive looking. Anyway. Yeah. And so that was a lovely time in Philly. So thank you to, and thank you to everyone who came to our tour, really. That was so amazing and very validating. You know, it was really good. So thank you.

And if you want to listen to our DC show, we are putting that up on Patreon this month. While we are in Germany and Austria. Yes. I leave in like 19 hours for Sweden. And so we will be MIA when this comes out, but everything will be available for you. Yes. So by the time you are listening to this, the episode will be on Patreon. Yeah. Patreon.com slash Beach to Sandy.

It's the full video of our show in DC and our Patreon is $2 a month and you get a bonus episode. So this month's bonus episode is our live DC episode. And we just posted our last, well, as we record this, just posted our last bonus, which was a very belated 4th of July reviews. Yes. Yeah. And so, yeah, $2 a month you get those. $5 a month you get to participate in the polls for our themes and our challenges or themes. And you can suggest challenges in the comments. We actually have been using those a lot more than others.

So, yeah. Anyway, this was fun. Thank you all for listening. And hopefully see you on the next tour. And thanks to everyone who came to this tour. Yay. All right. Bye.

Beach to Sandy water to wet is a forever dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla cover art by Courtney Aventura, the music by Mavis white executive produced by Mariah Nicholas forever. Dog productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.