Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 249: Reviews of Microwave Meals

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Okay, take two. I was, my microphone was simply not plugged in, is the short version of the story.

And thankfully, we only got like a minute in. Yeah. Could have been a lot worse. I feel like it was worth a retake because I wasn't feeling like my prime, you know, oh shit, I'm still not. Primeval? Like what? I'm still not feeling my primeval self.

You're looking it. I'm in my primeval era. Can you talk about the podcast you were on again? Yeah, I'd love to talk about it again because I can't talk about it enough. I was on D-Listers of History, which is kind of exactly what it sounds like. No, because I thought it sounded like you were going to be the D-Lister. Like I was the D-Lister. Yeah, that's true.

And it turned out I was deeply disappointed you were not, but it still sounded like a good time. No, their description says it's a podcast about people who you probably didn't learn about in school. And sure enough, the episode I was in, I got to learn about Augustin Fresnel, who was responsible. A character from Harry Potter. No? okay. It sounds like it, but no, he was responsible for the Fresnel lens, which is the lens that's in, was in most lighthouses around the world. I wonder what class we would have learned that in. What? I wonder what class we would have, probably religion.

I learned the most worthless stuff. You and I literally took a sailing class, so. I talked about that yesterday. We probably would have learned in that one, actually. Alex Sinner, on, on and that's where we drink. I talked about it yesterday when we recorded. And, oh, no, now everybody knows I'm wearing the same shirt I wore yesterday. I was going to pretend like I was recording the same day.

Awkward. No, I talked about it because I said I was doing a story about a boat. It's fine. A sinking. And I talked about. About a sinking. Yeah, it's horrible. Okay, but the way you said a boat. Oh, well, no, a sinking and i talked about about a sinking yeah it's horrible okay but the way you use a boat oh well no a sinking like i wasn't just talking about the boat that you know that's

like saying you're doing a thing about the type not the titanic i don't i'm not talking about the titanic i'm talking about the fact that it's sunk like it's the same thing no but it's not if the titanic you know sink i talked about the costa concordia does that help yeah it does it's not sink yeah and so i talked about that and m was like going on about you know their past as a crew cool cruiser right and so of course i had to talk about cool cruisers and eek and i kind of blurred the lines between both of those shows now which is a dangerous thing that i've done and um agreed yeah while doing that it just occurred to me, because there was a word that we, oh, port and star, is it starboard? Yeah, starboards.

S-T-A-R-B-O-A-R-D. Okay, I thought it was starboard. Starboard? I don't know. I'm sure there's some salty dogs out there who say starboard. Starboard? You just kicked out of every potential yacht club we were going to join. Salty dogs. So I brought up sailing lessons. I said, oh, yeah. And then the final test, like how old would you say we were?

Like maybe I was 11. Not old enough to be doing this. That's for sure. Like say I guessed I think like 11 and 9. That sounds right. Right. Absolutely. So that's my memory of it.

And I remember we would have to wake up at like 7 a.m. or something crazy. And like on summer vacation, go to this – we were in Maryland. Go to this ocean, question mark? Go to this ocean? I don't know. I want to say it was at Chesapeake Bay, but I could be wrong. Oh, okay. Go to this bay.

Yeah. But the final test was that we had to take our parents out on a boat. And Em was like, that's illegal. Yeah, by ourselves. I don't think it's illegal. It sounds illegal. It sounds like it should be illegal. Like whose boat was that?

We were going to crash it. It was the sailing school's boat. Look, this makes it sound so much. I think it was a random man. It was really weird. I think it was a random man. I don't know the situation, but it did feel like it was just a random man. It felt like it was a random... When I tell people I took sailing lessons, they're like, wow, you were

really bougie. And I'm like, you know, this situation, like, sure. Like, it sounds it. Gio, don't you dare walk on that. Don't eat that. it's a memory card He just tried to eat that He licked it

That's okay that's you and that's why we drink one I don't care about it My sailing story No Anyway It was kind of sketch the whole thing It was kind of weird And we tried to get up really early.

Our parents were trying to be bougie, but weren't really sure how to. No, Christina, they just wanted to get rid of us during the day and the morning, which makes more sense. And I don't blame them. Oh. We were brats. Do you think they offer sailing lessons for two-year-olds in Cincinnati? Because I have a candidate that I want to get rid of every day. Oh, yeah, on the Ohio.

On the Ohio River. With Grandpa Tim. There you go. Oh yeah, on the Ohio. On the Ohio River. With Grandpa Tim. There you go. Just put Tim on the boat. He's a random guy. He's a random guy. He's a random guy with a boat. There you go.

Okay. Let's see. Anyway, what were we talking about? We're talking about how today our theme of 249 is microwave meals. Yeah, and Fresnel lenses. That's right. Those two together. If you want to listen to that podcast episode, which was so much fun to record, there's a

link below. So I highly recommend it. I had a blast. All right. So Microwave Meals. This is exciting to me. Okay. I'm glad.

So. I hope you have a lot because I only have three for my challenge and I think I sucked at it. So, and no one emailed anything in. And it was a very difficult challenge. For your challenge. I was going to say a lot because I only have three for my challenge and I think I sucked at it. So, and no one emailed anything in. And it was a very difficult challenge. For your challenge. I was going to say a lot of people emailed in. Oh, I have a lot of microwave meals.

Oh, okay, good. Okay, I don't know about a lot. I have like seven. Well, my first one comes from Emma, our friend. And Emma wrote, actually I didn't write what Emma wrote. I just wrote from Emma. So Emma wrote something really genius, I'm sure, and wildly hilarious. So this is a...

I can only imagine. I'm imagining it. Great email, Emma. Hilarious. Hilarious. So this is a one-star review of Healthy Choice Simply Steamers Gluten-Free Vegan Frozen Unwrapped Burrito Bowl. It sounds not good to me. There are too many words in that.

It's a lot of words, okay? Do you want to see a picture? It looks good in the picture. Oh, okay. It's just an unwrapped... It's a burrito bowl. Why did they put unwrapped? That's weird.

Just put burrito bowl. Yeah, I feel like unwrapped means that there's a wrap somewhere to be had. Unwrapped makes me think Mark Summers is involved. I don't know what that means. This is a one-star review. It's called Terrible. And here it goes. I hate cilantro

and didn't catch that in the ingredients. It's way down the list. Like eating a bowl of rice someone dumped soap in. The whole meal tasted like a poison chemical bath. Waste of money. Do not buy if you hate cilantro. It's mixed with a cilantro sauce. So gross.

Eating right now, and I hate every bite. Stop. Let me say it again. Stop putting soap in your mouth. Eating right now, and I hate every bite. But it's all I brought with me to work for lunch. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Nothing about this is good.

I hate my life now. Why did you do this to me? Pure evil, signed Derek. So Derek didn't look at the ingredients? Is that all it was? Well, he did, but it was so far down. Oh. And like, to be honest, I don't think they're hiding it.

I think they do it by the amount. The amount that it's found, right? I believe so. In the ingredients list, they wouldn't put cilantro first unless it was a big bowl of cilantro. But for some of these, because I bought a lot of microwave meals recently, for many of these, they have the different elements in different sections. they have the different elements in different sections. So it'll be like at the top will be the main bowl. And then next is like the sauce. I've seen that before at least.

So maybe the sauce was like the second thing and it had all the cilantro in it. And they just were reading the main part. Does that make any sense? Yeah, but why do you have to explain it away? Like he makes so much sense. I don't think Derek makes any sense. I'm not. Sounds like you're on Derek's side think if you really are so anti-cilantro that it'll ruin your life i guess i'm just tired i think you should really try to find out if there's cilantro in what you're about

to eat it's true especially because this is exactly what would have cilantro i would think i would think an unwrapped burrito bowl not that it's anything I've ever heard or anything that exists. Who is that man? You do not remember the show? Sorry, I just showed her a picture of unwrapped with Mark Summers. Is that where they go places and show you how to make candy? Yeah, the dude just talks about all the different candies and stuff, and they go inside the candy factories. I get him mixed up with Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs.

Yeah, very different. They look the same. They're not the same, and they don't look the same. different. They look the same. They're not the same. And they don't look the same. I think they're pretty similar. They're not the same. I'm tired. First you're a fucking Derek apologist.

Now you're a Mark Summers apologist. I am. Okay. I'm not a Derek apologist. I'm a Mark Summers apologist and I'm proud to be one. Unless I Google. Yeah, yeah.

We got to check his Wikipedia. Please hold. Controversies. I'm just kidding. It doesn't say that. We don't know his Wikipedia. Please hold on. Controversies. I'm just kidding. It doesn't say that. We don't know that yet. Health and later career. I don't see anything.

Married in 1974. Two kids. Stand-up dude. Looks like it, at least. All right. I'm not jumping on that bandwagon. Yeah, no. He seems great.

Who knows what Mark Summers has done? He's done so much good for this world. Can you read one now? Yes. Jesus. Don't mind if I do. This one is from Elta. I think it's Elta's birthday week.

Yeah, actually, it's tomorrow. Well, we're recording this on a Tuesday. Her birthday is Wednesday, so the day that our last episode came out. So happy belated birthday, Alta. For your birthday, we gave you a week off and we didn't use any of your reviews because we did a special thing. That's right. So here you go. You're back to work. You're welcome. Back to work though. So this is a review of the Market Side Philly Cheesesteak sub sandwich, eight ounce, one count at Walmart. That doesn't sound good.

It doesn't look very good either. So here is a one star review titled Disappointed. I bought two today. The bread was old, hardly any meat, and there was no green peppers and onions, as they stated. Not worth the money. The Walmart on Lynnhaven always has good sand. End of review. I have no idea. What? I have no idea. Not sandwiches? No, just sand. It just says good sand. Man, that's gotta be tough, though. You buy sand at one

Walmart, sandwiches at the other, and you're like, oh, no. Which sandwich? You're right. Which sand? Oh, no. It's all very confusing. Which is sandwich is sandwich. And I think it's the one on Lynn Street. Sand or sandwich.

That should be an episode we do. Sand or sandwich is fun. Reviews of sand or reviews of a sandwich. We can't do that. There'll be a sandwich review that just says, it tastes like sand. It's going to be too sandy. And you're like, which one is it? It's going to say too sandy. It's going to be too sandy. And you're like, which one is it? It's going to say too sandy.

It's going to say too sandy. Here's a classic that I. Let's hope it's not the sandwich. The too sandy one. Let's bring back a classic. Okay. This is a review from 2019 that Alexandra sent in. It's a review of Lean Cuisine's sesame chicken meal.

Nice. It was from Between You and Us, episode 10. Wow. Yeah. I do not remember this. You will, I think. Oh, really? Yeah.

One star by Shelbs Says. The title is, oh, this is on the Lean Cuisine website. Now do you remember? It's starting, it's something, something, something, there's a little spark, you know, but nothing ignited. Okay, so. The title is Noodle Change Equals Sad Face. First off, looks nothing like the picture you've advertised on this web page. I wish it did.

That exotic meal looks scrumptious. Second, what happened to the old noodles? I miss them. First, you changed the packaging. Now the noodles? Is my life over? Well, no. But I'm surely upset about this.

What can I say? I have little in my life. Jesus. I mean, I kind of got that vibe when you said that. The exotic food picture on the Lean Cuisine looked incredible. Which is wild, because she's like, I wish I could have that. I'm like, you can. There's Thai places that serve Pad Thai for $8, you know?

I mean, if you really, really wanted it. Oh, boy. What can I say? I have little in my life. And this change of noodles just took what little I do have and made it so I have less. Jesus. I'm sorry. I hate that I laugh at this.

This is so sad. These new noodles are a poor pile of thin spaghetti. new noodles are a poor pile of thin spaghetti. I'm very disappointed that I purchased more than one box without calling first and checking to see that everything was status quo with this video. I'm sorry, this was on the Lean Cuisine website? Yes. I just, it's sad but like, wait, so you're suggesting that you're gonna call every time. Look look they're being

dramatic as fuck there's no doubt about it i'm not saying they're not dealing with shit but like this is quite the outlet to you know air that out i and they're welcome to i guess but my question is they say i wish i had called first to check that everything was status quo and that's such a like what all the assembly line of the pad was it pad thai yes sesame chicken chicken you made a pad thai i think i did but lean cuisine sesame chicken but it's basically on a pile of noodles okay close enough to pad thai okay what cuisine probably is a divisive thing what What? Really? Not divisive. It's just like, what is a real Pad Thai? Well, certainly not this. Certainly not this, which is why you're saying that Pad Thai, and I'm like, careful.

Well, I'm saying she can go get Pad Thai, and it'll be more exotic than her Lean Cuisine sesame chicken. Okay. I don't know why you won't let me have this about calling Malene Cuisine every time she buys the meal. No, it's insane. I don't know. What do you mean let you have it? You can have it.

Does she call from the Kroger aisle, like the frozen aisle, or does she call at home? I literally just mentioned calling the assembly line for this thing. Like, I have no idea what the fuck you'd call. I don't know. But there's quality control. I assume they have a number, a thing as big as probably the quality control number um but i don't think it's for checking on the status quo oh wait question what do you think of when you think status quo like what is that phrase does it remind you of anything because it reminds me of something very specific it doesn't it tingles my brain okay let

me think that's not okay status quo does it remind me of arthur disney channel no not for me i don't know maybe uh national treasure oh i love that movie yeah I'm pretty sure there's a whole thing about the status quo. And it was part of the, he was like, he said that. And it was like somehow a hint to something. Remember Riley? I had such a crush on that guy. Yeah, I do remember him. And he's all sad that he only got 1% or something.

And then he pulls up in his Ferrari at the end. Justice for Riley. Patrick Gates, Jon Voight's character, Daddy, says, He says what? He does not say that. How do I not remember this? Cooperation only lasts as long as the status quo is unchanged.

I've lost you at the second. It's a whole thing. Second word in. I don't know. I think I probably learned what status quo was when I first watched it. I was going to say, wow, what a great memory. It's such a stupid memory. Okay, anyway.

What a nice memory that you have. I like my Jekyll, Jekyll, hide, Jekyll, hide, hide, Jekyll memory better. I have that memory, too. I know. I love the brain. So. Oh, wait, there's more. There's more, no.

I'm very disappointed that I purchased more than one box without calling and checking to see that everything was status quo with this meal Shelb says and she wrote Shelb says so she's writing about herself yeah in the third person Shelb says quote this new sadness is a threat to my happiness end quote

how long have you been purchasing this product three to five years how often do you eat this product sometimes i would argue probably daily at the rate that you're upset by yeah it's it seems like it's core to your life which i'm not just i eat so much frozen shit i love it i had some i don't think it was impossible i don't even know if it was beyond it was some like dino vegan dino nugs oh i buy they're so fucking good i bought two giant bags and i bought some nice like oh i just had so much recently anyway sorry um this isn't about you it's about shelby i know and now you're just rubbing it i'm gonna push your wallet off of this like a cat because I have to make room for my legs.

Okay. There we go. This did not seem that necessary. I feel like you could have done it in a way where it didn't push my wallet off. I mean, I didn't say it was necessary, but. Okay. Anyway. I'm just going to read a review.

I'm not going to talk about anything else. Kid Cuisine Friends Forever. Kid Cuisine, Friends Forever. Kid Cuisine! Macaroni and cheese, frozen meal with corn and pudding. This was sent in by Samantha. Can I tell you I've never had a kid's cuisine? You've never had a kid's cuisine? Have you?

You know, I don't know. I might not have. It's really, it would absolutely have been at someone else's house. Certainly mother didn't buy them. Why did going to say certainly mother didn't buy them why did I say mother? mother didn't buy them for us certainly mother didn't buy them certainly not

she only let us eat cream of wheat Amy's brand something old timey like porridge oh true sister Amy's porridge sister amy's porridge i forgot she was that our neighbor sister amy yeah she made some great porridge she was a nun and my sister What a beautiful soul she had.

Okay, we got a lot of... She put her whole soul into that porridge. That's why it tasted so funny. That's why she died. What were you saying? That's just an urban legend. She's still alive? Wait, the urban legend is that she's dead?

In her porridge, and we ate her. Okay. What's the truth? We got a lot of emails saying what about sister we just brought her up for the first time ever because she's not real we got a lot of emails saying that people wanted me to continue imbibing THC. Did you? No, not today. That's what I'm saying. Sometimes I'm just in a mood, so I don't want people being like, well, toted. So now you're like the reverse paranoid that like...

That people will think I'm taking drugs? When you're not. Because when you're taking drugs, you get paranoid that people know. But now you're like paranoid when you're sober that people think you are as well. So you're just like always you get paranoid that people know. Yeah. But now you're like paranoid when you're sober that people think you are as well. So you're just like always paranoid about that same thing actually. Sometimes I just act equally unhinged whether I'm taking a substance or not.

So I just want to be clear about that. Thank you. So I'm glad you cleared that one up. You're welcome. So anyway, do you want to read one now? Yeah, I would love to read this quick Kid Cuisine Friends Forever Macaroni and Cheese review. Cool. This is a one-star title.

Gives you weird dreams. I got this and ate it late at night when I was bored and had enough Xbox for the day. I pop it in the microwave, let it cool for a second, and dig in. I couldn't say it was horrible, but it definitely wasn't quality eats. After that is said and done, I wrap it up and get to bed. As I slowly doze off, I hear the Kid Cuisine Penguin's voice in my head. I finally drift off to sleep and wake up in hell, where I'm surrounded by Olaf-shaped mac and cheese noodles and a penguin playing basketball, saying how important it was for me to go back to school

and how much calcium I should eat in a day. I panic and finally wake up. My insides felt like they had been ruptured, and I visited a hospital two days ago about this. What? Apparently, it gave me intestinal problems, and I need to be seen by a doctor every month until I'm 30. I'm 21 right now.

I'd still buy another end of review. Worth it. Worth. Those Olaf noodles? Are you kidding? I don't know what the fuck that was. I don't either. Your intent. Okay. Don't analyze it. I went to the hospital two days ago. Okay. I have a review here. This was sent in by Sarah Sheher. And she said, I was expecting comedy, but now I just feel empty.

Jesus. What are these bringing out of people? Because I think it's that idea of like a frozen meal. It's like the traditional, in the traditional sense, it's like, oh, you're just like, you don't have time to cook or you are single or you're yeah yeah you know it just has like kind of a i i i know what you're talking yes as someone who like it carries some baggage yes i i get that and man at least in pop culture um i can't man so this is i'm gonna pick one here we go this is of the protein variety pack of uh hormel okay hormel completes this sounds terrible complete is spelled complete eats complete c-u-m pleats come come come eats oh no calm c-o-m-p-l-e-a-t-s completes variety pack and this is a one-star verified purchase by angela called disappointed

disappointed sorry that's a classic film reference if you hadn't said like what it, we could have just all moved on and pretended like we all got the reference. You know what I mean? You don't need to explain the reference and apologize for it. Just own it. I don't own that one. So this is one star. The taste of this? Give me fleshback.

Ew. And depression. Wait, like flashbacks, I assume? Yeah, but flesh back. Okay. It returns your flesh to you. The taste of this give me flesh back. Sounds biblical.

The taste of this give me flesh back and depression. How my family was so poor to buy snacks for me and my sister when we were as kids. So we started to eat dried cat food like a snack. What? Oh no. This is depressing. What the fuck? And anyway, the cat food

tasted better than this product that I bought. That's good. You see dog food. Yeah. But we don't have an excuse for that not not for any good not for any good reason not for actual sustenance okay i only did that one time and it was okay me too it was so gross it was so nasty anyway your turn okay uh I got another couple from Samantha, and I'm reading both of these back to back. Here we go. This is a two-star review. This is of Kid Cuisine Chicken Nuggets Macaroni and Cheese Corn and Brownie Frozen Meal.

Here's a two-star review. Not feeling. Child still hunger. When I opened the box, there were corns in my pudding. I did not want my kids combining healthy vegetable with snack. It was also not enough food for a child. My Gregory is 43. And after an adventurous day on the plains of Azeroth,

he was still hungry. End of review. Okay. What's Azeroth? It's from World of Warcraft. Okay. And it's spelled wrong. That's the first thing I noticed was Azeroth? It's from World of Warcraft. Okay. And it's spelled wrong. That's the first thing I noticed was Azeroth was spelled wrong, which on the one, like, I think this is a joke review.

But on the other hand. No, you really do. Yes. But on the other hand, they spelled Azeroth wrong. So maybe it is apparent. Gregory's mom. Gregory's mom being like trying to be with it. Gregory, stop eating vegetables. Get away from Azeroth be with it gregory stop eating vegetables get away

from azeroth play more video games and stop eating corn true that doesn't make much sense does it um and then so here's a five-star review that piggybacks off of that okay ready my mom never lets me eat this meal this is a verified purchase three years later. Five stars. I buy it for my three-year-old granddaughter. She likes the meatballs, also the nuggets. I'm sorry. I also read other people what they wrote.

Did she say her 43-year-old son? For God's sakes, woman. 43? I would recommend them for a child or if you want to relive your childhood for yourself. But if you're 43, you might need two. End of review. She's like, oh, wait, I think I can help. Like, excuse me? She's like, I don't know where Azeroth is, but I think I can help with your other problem.

So I think that for original person is not checking three years later if anyone. But I hope that this person finds out that someone read that and acknowledged it in their own review right in three years like a win for this kind of person you know three years when we forget that we already did microwave meals and do it again we can uh go back to this page and see if there's been an update another update well we did that for um have still DM me about an update for a review. What's that Nashville giant hotel thing? Oh, yes. Granville.

Nope. But yes, the Gaylord Opryland. Yeah. I think there was a review there that I said, please remind me. The Granville Gaylord Opryland. Yes, exactly. But I checked and there was no update. Oh, boo. Last time I checked, there was no update oh boo it's the last last time i checked which

was probably months ago so i have something upsetting okay what else is literally all of yours have been upsetting so far this is from uh eva or ava i'm not sure how to pronounce it but it was sent to august of 2019 okay because I searched our inbox for Stouffer's. And this is an email that I discovered from 2019. It says, hi, y'all. I recently fell into a hole on the Stouffer's website, like, for a really long time. Was sort of surprised they had customer reviews at all. Also, I don't eat Stouffer's anything ever, so I don't even know how I got there.

I couldn't stop. Bizarre reviews and lots of apology replies from the company. Anyway, I thought I'd send you that little tidbit. If you want to check it out, look at the Our Dishes tab, and every product they make is listed with its reviews. Yeah, this is why at 10.04pm last night you texted me, don't use

Stouffer's website. That's true! And that's it. That's true! Yep, that's true. 100%. Because I think I read 80% of the reviews on this website and there are thousands. Amazing. Okay, so the first one I have, oh, but the rest of mine by the way are all Stouffer's reviews from the website. Really? Okay, good. So this one is of the Cheese Lovers Lasagna for one.

Do you want a picture? It's as gross as I imagined. 50% more cheese, it says. Okay. Then what? Lasagna noodles. What? Lasagna noodles layered between a blend of five cheeses and seasoned tomato sauce. Okay.

This is the one-star review by Cass. And the title is, No Meat? Seriously? Bought a party pack for supper and will have to throw the entire thing out. Why is there not a warning on the front that says, No Meat? I have been buying meat lovers for years, but after this, I will never buy any of this again at all. End of review. What? Is this,

is it called meat lovers? No, it's called cheese lover. It's called cheese lovers lasagna. It's called cheese lovers lasagna. But now, there's no warning label. There has to be a warning. Could you imagine like,

that's how our warning system worked. There's no warning if there's meat, but if there isn't meat watch out vegetarian that's terrible well kind of see that kind of exists i guess with the vegetarian labels and vegan labels but like it doesn't say warning like like yeah it makes it sound like it's she's like what the fuck can you imagine weird she threw the entire thing out that's insane to me and by the way she said throw the entire thing out capital e capital t capital o like oh and the party pack get it if you're allergic to something but like which also like for me if

i have a vegan thing that i thought was vegan and it's not i just give it to someone else i don't just like throw out a bunch of fucking lasagnas. Okay, literally. So weird. A party pack, I think, is for like 12 people. That's insane. Because the party packs people say they bring for like Thanksgiving or like parties, you know? Oh, man. You did not have to throw any. Like saying you had to throw that out because it didn't have meat is insane to me.

It has 50% more cheese and now you know why i get it now you asked the question now you know took out the meat and added more cheese right all righty i guess it makes sense um my next one here this is from uh grace and this is of uh kj poultry kosher beef stuffed cabbage rolls, MRE meat meals ready to eat, gluten-free prepared entree fully cooked, shelf-stable microwave dinner, travel military camping, emergency survival food.

Yum. Look at that picture. Oh, no. It's just a cabbage roll. Okay, but can we talk about- Look at this picture. There's some dude who's just like cheesing on the like holding a oh my god it's like bigger than his head can we talk about also how they place these cabbage rolls on like two layers of porcelain dishware it's so funny as if

anybody eating a military grade mre is going to pull out their fine china. And a nice little coffee cup on a saucer with a cloth napkin under the plate. A cloth napkin. Have you ever eaten an MRE? You know, I'd be surprised if I hadn't, knowing my friends growing up. We played a lot of airsoft. They had MREs. And you were out in the wilderness for weeks at a time. Yeah, we were in John's backyard. Yeah. No, you know, I don't know if I have.

I don't want to say for sure because I don't know if I have. I assume they're not vegan, so I probably can't anymore. No, and I doubt that it'll be worth it unless it was for like a TikTok stunt or something. Cabbage rolls is a new one to me i've had the lazar i'm sorry i had the spaghetti bolognese mre or something okay i don't remember but uh not a cabbage roll i think i would remember that you yeah that's that's a very like i don't know it's such a specific a niche cuisine to serve. Niche cuisine. That could be like our new line of frozen meals. Niche cuisine. It's just like herring, like things that nobody wants to eat, right?

Yeah. Pickled herring. Things only I want to eat. Yeah. One star for this culture beef stuffed cabbage rolls. One star. Titled, something went wrong. Oh, no.

You don't say. Verified purchase. Oh, they got the beef lamb kebab. Oh, my Lord. Flavor, by the Wrong. Oh, no. You don't say. Verified purchase. Oh, they got the beef lamb kebab. Oh, my God. Lord. Flavor, by the way. No, it gets worse. Here we go.

I don't know if something went wrong with this one, but the one I got was full of worms. Not earthworms. Oh, my God. The ones that live in meat products. I can't put a photo because I have more tact than that. Don't want to make me feel sick again. End of review. I'm so ill.

Could you imagine if they included a photo? No, they would be banned from the internet. They'd be blacklisted for sure. Oh, I can't click on the Oh, I can't. Oh, this is what that one looked like. Sorry. The beef and Christina, they're not. I know, but I know this guy's holding it too now all i can imagine can you imagine if it was earthworms that's what i thought it was so funny why i was like i like that they

clarified because that was not my first thought but now don't worry but it weirdly kind of helped because now i'm like oh that's kind of a funny image. Just a bunch of earthworms eating MRE. That seems so much less gross to me. So much less upsetting than maggots. So I find it even funnier that he clarified. He's like, don't worry. Don't worry. It wasn't these guys.

It was the really gross ones. They're the ones that usually live in meat. Yeah. That's so nasty, Alexander. You can get a salmon filet MRE. I can't. This is insane. Are these all MRE? This can't. This is insane, isn't it? Are these all MRE?

This is crazy. Yeah, but they're filled with worms. So what's, like, they're not really ready to eat. According to one person. According to one person with a lot of tact who will not post the photo. Thank God. Okay, this is a review of Stouffer's lasagna with meat and sauce. This one says,

two times the meat, and then an asterisk, required by the lasagna with meat sauce standard. That's a thing. I've heard about that. Like, actually, yes. It's like, if you, there's a, there is a, that is a very much a real thing.

I've I don't know what I write about a certain amount of meat. Let's see. It's a yeah, it's a thing you have to I mean, obviously sauce is an expected ingredient of lasagna products and its declaration. The product name is optional cheese lasagna with meat has to be 12% meat lasagna with meat and sauce 12% meat lasagna products and its declaration the product name is optional cheese lasagna with meat has to be 12 meat lasagna with meat and sauce 12 meat lasagna with meat sauce six percent meat in total product wait so meat sauce and meat and sauce are different lasagna with meat and sauce is different than lasagna with meat sauce wow okay yeah this one is meat and sauce. So that one requires 12% meat. So this one has-

It says two times the meat? 24% meat because it has two times the meat than the requirement. Oh, are we sure it's not two times the requirement for the meat? Lasagna with meat sauce because that would be sneaky if they did that because that is 6%. Oh, wait. You're right. The lasagna with meat sauce standard. Oh, my God. Yeah. So they have you're right. The lasagna with meat sauce standard. Oh my God.

Yeah. So they have the minimum. We're learning so much. So they have the minimum requirement for when it's lasagna with meat and sauce. A little loophole to say two times the meat of meat sauce, but not sauce with meat. That's fucking shady as shit, dude.

That is shady, Alexander. That's according to this random Reddit comment. I just found. Lasagna with poultry has to be 8% poultry meat. Lasagna with tomato sauce, cheese, and pepperoni has to be 8% pepperoni. Meat lasagna has to be 12% meat. Poultry lasagna, 8% poultry meat.

Yeah. Oh, and the next comment literally says exactly what you just said said so all they've done is advertise the standard and make it look good because this is on a thread where the picture is the exact same photo and they're sure now and someone linked the usda's website about lasagna so okay uh here is the description of lasagna with meat and sauce. 188 pages in this thing. I'm not going through that. Sorry.

I'm done. I'm listening to you now. Lasagna noodles layered between 100% pure beef, according to the stamp. No. 100% pure beef, herb seasoned tomato sauce, and real mozzarella cheese. Okay. So. Oh, next year is Stouffer's 100-year anniversary.

That's exciting. I'm so excited for them. Me too. Who owns them by now? Nestle? Yes, Nestle. You're joking. I'm not joking.

They actually own Nestle? Fuck that, man. Look it up. Okay. Yep, owned by Nestle. Because the website was goodness without the second S. And I was like, what the fuck is goodness spelled wrong? It's Nestle.

Okay. One star. Terrible tasting by Bill. We bought this $15 meal and it was awful. Just one bite and going into the trash. Just because you get some little kid in your TV commercial who claims it's delicious, that's bull. It is awful, and I do expect to hear back from you. Okay, the Stouffer's brand ambassador responded,

Be on the lookout for an email from us soon. End of review. Uh-oh. Yeah, you threatened their child actor. You're in trouble. You are in trouble. You've review. Uh-oh. Yeah, you threatened their child actor. You're in trouble. You are in trouble. You've crossed the line, Bill. Totally, totally.

Why don't you eat a kid lean cuisine? That penguin could tell you how much calcium to eat in a day. Oh, my God. Just because you get some little kid in your... What? What a weird thing to attack them for. But I love that he's admitting that he was fooled. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That this kid did the, oh, you know what? This is a compliment to that kid. It is. Like a great actor. Wow. I could learn a thing or 10 from this child. Yeah, I think you should. I think you should.

Oh, man. This was only eight months ago. So they're probably still in the biz. But they're probably still a child. So I don't think I should reach out to them for tips. We'll wait a few years. That penguin's probably old, though. Or this guy's watching VHS tapes that he recorded when he was younger. Well, he is 43.

By the way, Lean Cuisine is also owned by Nestle. I think it's all Nestle. It is. I think Hot Pockets, too. I think pretty much everything. Pretty much everything. It's kind of scary. It's not kind of.

It's very scary. Here is a review. This was sent in by Francesca Sheher, who sent in reviews of Hot Pockets, frozen snacks, Italian-style meatballs, and mozzarella garlic buttery crust sandwiches, 54-ounce. Parentheses frozen. Maybe it's just me, but like the more words are in these, the less appealing they sound. Yeah. Like as they keep going and describing it, it's like, you lost me.

It's just like too much. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Something about it is. I think it's because on the actual box itself, the words are kind of all over the place and it's not meant to be like one big paragraph. But then once they put them on the Walmart website like this, they just list it all out.

Anyway, here's a one star review. This is by Amy. Tastes like a musty basement. Sister Amy? Sister Amy. Was that her name? Is she in the basement? Is that where she's been this whole time?

She knows the taste pretty well. Here we go. Wait, was it Amy? Because, yeah, it's Sister Amy. Didn't we say that? Yeah, but weren't you talking about Annie's? I was. And then you said Sister Amy's.

No, but Amy's is also a frozen. Yeah, yeah, but you said, so I don't know what's going on. Or maybe, no, maybe I said, did I say Annie's? You did say Amy. Okay, sure. But you said, so I don't know what's going on. Or maybe, no, maybe I said, did I say Annie's? You did say Amy. Okay, sure. But you said cyst, nevermind. Okay, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Here's a one-star review.

Something about the garlic crust tastes like a dank, musty basement. I thought I was crazy and bought the garlic crust twice, and both times it tasted the same. If I'm going to eat carcinogens, at least make them taste good. End of review. Amen! Fair point. Christine 2024.

I have a new stance. Make carcinogens tasty again? Make carcinogens tasty again. If you're gonna make me eat them, they might as well taste good. I might as well go down with a smile on my face. So true. I just, I love that she's like just for the sake of science i'll buy it again yeah yeah i respect it but sort of

but if it tasted better the second time i'd be concerned like then what was wrong with the first one do you know what i mean yeah well that's the thing is with quality control, maybe they just thought, oh, they got a bad box. Like nothing bad, but maybe the levels were off, like some of the seasonings or something. Nestle says that doesn't happen because they say they weigh everything to precise measurements. There's always some sort of error, I assume. Like that's possible. You'll be getting an email from me soon. Yeah, bring it on, Nestle. Yeah, bring it on, Nestle.

Don't bring it on, Nestle. Please leave me alone. You will destroy my life. You will end my life. Hey, then you... You are capable of that. Then you and Shelby can be sad together. True.

Okay. Eating our microwave frozen meals, but we can't find any that aren't owned by Nestle. So sad. So, we can't. Okay, aren't owned by nestle so sad so we can't okay so now i have a redemption for you this is a redemption of the lasagna with meat and sauce and this is one of those situations where the five-star reviews were just as outrageous as the one-star reviews yeah because it's like anyone going to stouffer's website to leave like a long-winded review whether negative or positive it's like

usually relatively entertaining the positive ones I just find even more baffling because like why I love also that that last person said they expected a response probably because they knew that Stouffer's response to things and was like hey you better respond to me too. And they wrote this meal was $15. Oh, they really wanted a refund. I see. I see. So this one is by Daniel. Now, can you read this and tell me if you think this is supposed to mean Daniel Gin and Tonic?

Yeah. Okay. I would, you know. Gin-ton. All right. Five stars. Excellent and easy. I am certainly not a youngster anymore,

but ever since I was, I have been enjoying this product. When I started decades back, I would devour the family-sized lasagna in two sittings with a glass of buttermilk. Oh, dear God. That's so gross. So gross.

I still enjoy it, but now it takes about four meals to knock it off. End of review. Oh, dear. But weirdly, the value is now four out of five. Oh, maybe the price went up. No, but also they said it now lasts them four meals instead of two. Yeah, because they're not as hungry as they once were. Exactly, so the value seems to be improving.

Maybe they increased the price so much that it's not. That's true. It was one wooden nickel back in the day. True. And then another wooden nickel for a jug of buttermilk. No, Sister Amy made that next door. Ew, herself? Yes.

It was her own buttermilk? How do you think she makes porridge, Alexander? Ew, I don't know. And I still don't know. Did you never pay attention? Whatever you're implying. Ew, no. Was I supposed to be there when she was making it?

I had to watch her make it? Produce it herself? Milk herself? That's why you're vegan, huh? It's making a lot of sense that's probably true i saw some things but no see that was all consensual so that's that's still technically vegan it is if sister amy wanted me to drink her milk you said she's your sister because like a nun that would make her my sister but I didn't agree to that weird hypothetical

she's my sister in Christ we eat that dude's body and blood so now we have sister Amy's milk I'm getting a flesh back hold on anyway my turn. Yeah.

Here's another review of that last one. What the fuck was it? That Hot Pockets thing, okay? But this is my last one. This was also sent in by Francesca. And here we go. This is a five-star review by Big Cheesy.

Okay. Hey, everyone. Big Cheesy here. I was craving one of my favorite childhood meals today, so I had my wife's boyfriend drive me to the local grocery store. DUI laws. Ugh. When we got there, Jeff told me I had five minutes to get what I wanted.

I ran over to the frozen section and grabbed what I thought was the original pepperoni pizza, TM. It turns out I had accidentally grabbed the Italian-style meatball and mozzarella, TM. Oh, no! But my five minutes were up, so I figured, what the heck, I'll give them a try. Well, let me tell you, I was not disappointed. See, they don't call me Big Cheesy for nothing. And real recognize real. These dang near took my title.

Wow, the cheesy was big. The ball meat were delicious. The crust was crispity. Two mins in the microwave. Can't use oven anymore after the incident. Sorry, Jeff. Sorry, Jeff. Sorry, Jeff. The folks at Hot Pocket TM did it again, and I am sorry I ever doubted you.

End of review. What the fuck? People are so unhinged. Big Cheesy wrote this on Nestle's goodness.com. Yes. Okay. Did they respond? I didn't go on goodness.com.

This was from the Walmart website. Alcindor, what is going on with people? I think they need to get a life, question mark? Oh, they're going to say a lobotomy. Or that. Actually, that might even be better. Um, no, I don't know. Wait, what? I went to click on goodness.com and a little pop-up saying authentication required.

A username and password are being requested. Oh, put Christine CEO and then rate. And then the password is make carcinogens tasty again. Christine CEO? You're going to the ceo of nestle or something well i mean i was trying to keep that on the dl but if you really want my login that's it it didn't work damn it the site says hello it says that though that's nice of them oh did i get in anyway no anyway i can't check on big cheesy i love that big cheesy has authentication to enter this website and you don't.

That's delightful to me. Okay, so I have another redemption. Was that your last one? Yeah. Okay, I have another redemption of lasagna with meat and sauce. Not meat sauce. Five stars. And this is by Kevin427.

And the title is better than any Italian restaurant in the world. Sorry. Let me try it with a straight face. From a true foodie. I have been fortunate enough to travel the world. I've been to over 15 of the world's top 100 restaurants. This is one of the best dishes I have ever had. You need to put the frozen lasagna in a proper large ceramic dish.

Add a sauce to the ceramic pan after the one hour, 10 minute convection bake. Comes out as good as any Italian in the world. Better than carbone. End of review. So you have to do extra work, though. Yeah, you have to actually bake it with a different sauce. That defeats the point of getting a microwave meal, in my opinion. That sounds like something dad would say, like, if we went there and he made us something,

he's like, this is better than every Michelin restaurant in the world and we're like okay like he's would be like i read it on consumer reports i was about to say what did you see that on consumer rated higher than the michelin star restaurants of france this frozen escargot cargo that was the first thing he he unpacked on that sailboat when we were doing that lesson the picnic yeah is it drive your parents out to this lake this rock this lake drive them to a lake what are you talking about a picnic a hanging rock and hanging rock isn't that that jesus christ what are we reverend we're going all over is that that that movie that uh that he made us watch maybe um you guys did you ever watch that movie that was fucking dark wasn't it yeah of course it was dark he made us watch it he made us watch it many times here's the description

in the early 1900s miranda attends a girls boarding school in australia one valentine's day the school's typically strict headmistress treats the girls to a picnic field trip to an unusual but scenic volcanic formation called hanging rock despite rules against it miranda and several other girls venture off it's not until the end of the day that the faculty realizes the girls and one of the teachers have disappeared mysteriously. Yeah, it's very dark. We had to watch that many times as children. Can I be honest with you? What?

The case of the woman whose baby was taken by the dingo. Yeah. I had those conflated in my head. Seriously? That movie and that case as a child oh my god for like the longest time really so i thought we had watched a movie like like i didn't remember the plot of the movie so i was like oh yeah there was a movie we watched about that because i knew it was sorry everyone but australians but i was like oh yeah australia

something goes missing sounds like the same thing. The wilderness. That's about it. I thought that was my name. That was alarming. That's in the cast list. Christine Shuler. Oh, that's alarming. Let's see if she ever was found because I don't remember. I think I always fake sick before the end because I was so upset.

Yeah. Okay. Even though both the movie and the book, it was based on claim to be inspired by real events, the story is completely fictional. I thought it was a real thing that happened. Yeah, because they clearly wrote, like, based on true events. Those fuckers. I was a child. I shouldn't be watching stuff that lies to me. That's our dad's fault, not the movie. It's rated G. I said it's rated G.

I'm just kidding. Is it actually? I don't think. I'm just kidding. Is it actually? I don't think. I don't know. Back then, probably. Okay, so now can I read you... What happens? No.

Oh. A five-star review of the Stouffer's chicken lasagna, which we have not addressed yet. Yeah, please. Now, I gotta be honest with you. Please do. It looks nasty. No. Look. It looks like. No. Look.

It looks like that spaghetti ice cream. Yeah. You know what I mean? But it also looks like someone threw up their spaghetti ice cream. Yes. Like spaghetti ice cream with like corn and rice and tomato. So yes, gross. Bad.

And so this one doesn't claim anything about double meat, but it says made with roasted white meat chicken. Okay, that's quite the badge of honor. What a badge. Lasagna noodles layered between white meat chicken vegetables and a creamy sauce topped with breadcrumbs. Okay, here's a five-star review by Bubbles Malone. What the fuck? Oh, weird. The family tree says he's related to Big Cheesy.

And the title is Saucy. Oh, no. Five stars. I buy both Stouffer's chicken and vegetable lasagna simply for the sauce. I serve the lasagna in a large shallow bowl and then eat the chunky. Excuse me? And then eat the chunky sauce like soup what the fuck stop laughing that's disgusting so this sauce that we're talking about yes i see it like it's like this white chunky sauce and he takes it apart from the lasagna and eats it like a soup.

My stomach hurts. I know. I buy both Stouffer's chicken and vegetable lasagna simply for the sauce. I serve the lasagna in a large shallow bowl and then eat the chunky vegetable or chicken sauce like soup. I would not even mind if they skipped the pasta.

A big hunk of garlic bread is great for sopping up the remains. Ew, the remains. Why would you write remains? There's so many other words you can use there. Cremains. Ew, cremains. I always bake two, frozen, at 400 degrees for two hours, cool, and transfer to storage dishes.

I sometimes toss everything into a blender. This is not real. I'm serious, it is real. Because I clicked on his profile. He like fucking blends all of the Stouffer's stuff? I sometimes toss everything into a blender, add pepper,

a bit of milk, and blend away. That I... What pepper? What pepper? Like, just pepper? Pepper. The spice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no salt.

Just pepper. A bit of milk. Buttermilk, perhaps? Oh, no. And blend away. Heat. Like a milkshake? Like a lasagna?

No, no, with that heat. Oh, heat. Oh, okay. Like a soup again. What the fuck? And blend away. Wait, does that mean with the noodles, too? Yes, that's what it is.

So nasty. I assume. A bit of milk and blend away Wait, does that mean with the noodles too? Yes, that's what I was So nasty I assume A bit of milk and blend away Heat, sprinkle with some fresh parmesan And serve that as a soup or as a sauce over chicken, fish, and steamed vegetables Okay, so you're basically taking You're repurposing an existing meal

You're blending it to put on a new meal A new meal. That's like if you made a PB&J, blended it, then poured it over another PB&J. And used it as like a sauce. A sauce for a PB&J. It doesn't make sense.

And then they write or as a sauce over chicken, fish, and steamed vegetables. All of the Stouffer lasagnas have unlimited potential end of review that is not true i don't think that's what i do not think they do it is not what's there is a limit to the potential of a stouffer's lasagna what's the word when it's like insanity what's the word when it's like it has not been approved for this use like when a drug

when a pharmaceutical it's like off-label like it has not been approved for this use but yeah like i feel like stouffer's has not approved the fda has not approved you to blend the entire chicken lasagna i have a 188 page document to go through. There might be something in there about it. There actually probably is a whole chapter on that. Blending Stouffer's lasagnas with buttermilk. And putting milk in it? What are you doing? And pepper, actually. Milk and pepper.

Yeah, why? I like how he blends it and then he goes, it's a little too chunky. Let me add some milk. You probably need water. You probably need, like, a liquid. But I'm like, milk? I would say that's more reasonable than putting water in your lasagna blender. I guess so.

You know, like, weirdly, it's gross either way. But no, I don't know about that. Don't you think, though? Like, that's because, like, it at least already has dairy. But the tomato sauce is water, you know what I mean? But apparently it needs it. Okay. None of this needs to happen.

So nevermind. I take that back. What liquid would you put into your lasagna smoothie? Whoa. That's so nasty. That's gross. On center, they all have unlimited potential. I don't get it.

That seems wild. Like I'm hoping we're misunderstanding something here he was pretty fucking clear but like i'm hoping that he just takes the sauce off but still that would be weird to like repurpose the sauce like does he just like the plain noodles and was like well but i don't want to i want to repurpose this there's no good explanation i don't think so never mind i like how sometimes he eats the sauce as a soup. And then he's like, but for special occasions when I have family or friends coming over, I create my own soup by putting it in a blender and then serving it on top of another lasagna. Like they make sauces for that.

Like I feel like it's a lot more cost effective to just buy a jar of sauce than to buy Stouffer's lasagnas and blend them for your sauce. And test it. Like experiment with different amounts of pepper and milk every time because you're not really sure. And that's why I'm like, why are you buying frozen meals if you're going to be doing this anyway? Like it defeats the purpose. It seems like a lot of work. Yeah. It's the same with that guy who puts sauce in. Well, because it's better than any Michelin restaurant. He's been to 15 of the top 100 restaurants. This is a different guy, right? Oh yeah.

So, like, I don't understand these people who are doing these things. I don't know. I just don't get it. It feels like it defeats the purpose. They can do whatever the fuck they want, but I'm going to judge them. It sounds like you are pretty judgmental today. I am. I am.

I'm feeling it. That was gross. Okay. You have another one? No, but I'm trying to find his profile because I did want to just check. Check on well-being? Oh, I like this one. This one's called Yum, but Puzzled. Five stars. Delicious, but I would prefer if you classified this dish as a casserole. White sauce on

lasagna? You're better than that, Stouffer's. I thought that other one was white sauce on lasagna am i crazy no this one is chicken that's the one you were just showing me a picture of yeah that's right this is a different person reviewing it oh different person got it i thought you were saying it was a profile of the person no i'm sorry i was like they didn't seem to have a problem no no is that the difference between a lasagna and a casserole i don't know i guess that guess that kind of makes sense. Stouffer's might be better than that, but I'm not. I don't think Stouffer's is better than that either. Oh, here's Bubbles Malone. I can't believe he said, I sop up the remains.

Do you remember how long ago that feels like? Yeah. This is, okay, actually I'm going to stop reading because I do have a tummy ache now. Okay, good. I'm upset about it. We moving on? Yeah. Okay, I fucked up my challenge, I think. What? I rewrote it and I was like, I didn't even do that.

Cool, what is it? I feel bad. I feel like I failed Mark here. You did. Reviews of classes that the person reviewing has not taken or even for a school they don't attend. Sure. And I kind of not sure if I read that right,

because all I found were reviews of people who were reviewing schools that they didn't go to, but they weren't reviewing specific classes. Oh, that's fine. I mean, it was sort of like based on Rate My Professor, I think. Yeah, I struggled, and I didn't find any Rate My Professors that worked. This is fine. Okay. Well, maybe I could have done better. But I didn't.

Here's a Yelp review. And the problem is, all of the fucking reviews were so positive. Oh my god, Sherry just sent me this photo of Blaze. Is that a real photo? Yeah. He looks like... What is that? What's happening?

He has a mohawk. That's hilarious. I see it. That's terrifying. This looks like a photo from the 80s. It's from 90... no, 06. I was like, 90? There's no way he was under 10 years old in that photo or whatever.

Oh, I'm upset. 10 years old. I'm upset. Okay. Okay. Anyway, here's a review of University of California Davis, UC Davis. Five stars from a guy named, a guy from Cincinnati, actually, fun fact, who's elite 2023. Wow.

Oh, we have a local. I need to like put these things out there to make this challenge more exciting for people. By people, I mean us. Here we go. I'm not a student here, nor have I ever been, but I come to Davis often to visit a friend who teaches at the university. This campus is amazing. I love just how much is dedicated to bikes

and allowing students to completely get around without having a car. There are many paths and specific roads and trails for bikes all around campus. Really a treat to visit and enjoy a cycle around town. The university is what they call a public ivy, so you know it's a good school that is very selective to get into. Wish I could have gone back in the day. End of review. Okay.

Interesting. Okay. How are they getting their bike over there? That's your top? Yeah! Who says they have a bike? They said, I love to ride my bike around. Oh, they your top? Yeah. Who says they have a bike? They said, I love to ride my bike around. Oh, they said that?

Well, they probably just rent a bike. I don't know. They're bike rental things, or their friend has a bike. You think they bike from Cincinnati? No, I just think, like, explain yourself. Explain? I don't know. Yeah, there's not too much to any of these reviews.

I'm trying. I know you are. I can tell. I appreciate it. Where did you get that bike? I'm just shutting you down because I'm like, no, it's not even worth it, Christina. Where did you get that bike? This is not worth it.

Let me call the police real quick. So stupid. Thank you for helping out. You're welcome. Thank you for helping out. This is a review of Trinity Valley Community College in Terrell, Texas. This is the only review that this community college has. Here we go. Five stars.

First to review. I'm not a student, but I just received my second COVID vaccination here, and I'm writing this to help kill 15 minutes of their required post-shot safety time. That said, I am completely impressed with Trinity vis-a-vis Terrell-Coffman County's vaccination program. From their online registration and text message notifications for my appointment status to not even having to get out of my vehicle to get the shot, they simply administer the shot through my window. Wait, what? It's like the In-N-Out Burger, but with coronavirus vaccine. Kudos to whoever set this up. End of review. That was pretty good, huh? I went to University of Kentucky. You did not go to University of Kentucky. You went to University of Kentucky?

For my vaccine. What's the one in Louisville? That's the one. I thoughtville that's the one i thought university of kentucky is in lexington that's what i meant lexington that's what i said also northern kentucky university that's not the one i went to lexington okay there was a lot of horse pictures everywhere and so i went there but we had to park and walk inside yeah yeah i didn't get this VIP treatment. Also, I was really alarmed that they use the word kill in a review of the COVID vaccine. I was like, I was like to kill what?

Oh, 15 minutes of time. Okay. Um, my, so my first like testing center before the vaccines rolled out was Dodger stadium. You had to drive there and it was a drive through testing and it was a pain in the ass and it was a bunch of cars. Oh, that's pretty cool. And you had to drive there. And it was a drive-thru testing.

And it was a pain in the ass. And it was a bunch of cars. Was that that hell, though? Oh, yeah. That's the thing with Dodger. You can't really walk up there. I mean, I guess you technically could. It's not really the easiest accessible.

Anyway, anyway. So, yeah, I went through one of those drive-thrus. And then when I got my vaccine, it was at a church. Boring. I know. Was it a church? Yeah, I think it was a church. Did you review it?

Just to their faces. Oh, okay. Yeah. Can I tell you, though, who I talked to when I got my COVID vaccine? Sister Amy. Rainn Wilson. Oh. I was on a call with Rainn Wilson.

Oh, I was like, why was Rainn Wilson in Lexington? No, I was in Covington. I got my second shot. And then I was running behind because they made me sit there. And I said, I have to go call Rainn Wilson. And then I did one of those Instagram lives with Rainn Wilson. Cool. It was pretty cool. Yeah, no, that sounds cool. This is me trying to make myself feel better that I didn't get an in and out COVID experience. Yeah, that sounds fun, getting a shot right in your, when you're, but the thing is, if you're in your car

and you're like, oh shit, I'm having side effects. Like, what do you do? Well, they make you park there, apparently. Yeah, I know, but like, then what do you do? Like, just. Is that a ghost? No, they make you park there, apparently. Yeah, I know. But then what do you do? Is that a ghost? No, you probably knocked my keys off. Oh, yeah.

I forgot. I need to stretch my legs out. Okay. I got one more. Okay, great. Is it great? Yes, you're doing an excellent job. Yeah, it's great that it's almost over. This next one is of Brooklyn College.

It's in Brooklyn, New York. This is a three-star review. I'd say it's a negative. Here we go. So this is a little different. This person technically doesn't go to the school, but they have a role. Here we go. It's definitely an oasis in the middle of Flatbush. Although I'm not a student or an alumni, I am staffed. I might be a tad bit biased. The campus on the outside is beautiful. Each turn, it's something beautiful. I like the campus best when it's empty.

The lily pond is my favorite part of this entire campus. I have photos for days, and although I despise coming here at times, it does allow me to see the seasons in their entirety, especially since I can't make it to Prospect or Central Park. It's a beautiful place to be at times kind of for a few it was like really sad but this added some photos gorgeous it is a gorgeous campus this person is depressed yeah no i know i hope they know because i feel like maybe they should go to the student health Center and get some recommendations. Oh, no. That was four years ago.

And this year, they're Elite 2023. Oh! So they're not. They're out and about. They're doing it. They're doing it big. I mean, listen, we were all depressed three years ago, right? Like, that's nothing new.

Yeah. Exactly. So, well, good. Good. Well, I'm glad that they've. And many recent five-star experiences. Do you think they still work there? It sounded like they didn't love their job.

You know, I hope they don't, but they did have a trip to Vegas recently, and I hope they had a blast. Hell yeah. Yeah. Okay, well, I hope they won big on the hot stuff. Hot, hot, hot stuff. And can quit their jobs. Same. That's it. Alexander. That's it.

Alexander, you nailed it. Thanks. You're so welcome. Thanks, y'all, for listening. Go to our TikTok. Go to our Instagram. Hey, John Cena's coming to Cincinnati for the Kroger Wellness Festival.

What the fuck is the Kroger Wellness Festival? What is that bullshit? John Cena and Venus Williams and more celebrities are coming to Cincinnati. This is literally all it says. Coming to Cincinnati for the Kroger Wellness Festival. And it's a picture of John Cena clapping. Like, what is this?

It's a two-day health and wellness event featuring more than 100 panel discussions. Wow. That sounds boring. 100 panel discussions? Sign me up. Say less. Oh, I'm not still reading this.

Food demonstrations. What does that mean? I don't know, but I'm in. Cooking, fitness classes, and musical performances. Okay. Okay, Kroger. I'm only in for can't wait to go to the food experiments or whatever food demonstrations food experiments i'm gonna blend watch everybody i'm gonna blend an entire

stouffer's chicken lasagna and then i'm gonna heat it up and add buttermilk and some pepper okay okay all over this and serve it to john cena and that's my food experiment demonstration food demonstration at the georger wellness center if you did that if you were going to do that i would absolutely show up oh i thought you're gonna say you'd call the authorities no no no i would be there i would be there i'd film i'd be front and center. Encouraging you. No, John Cena would be front and center. Oh, right. And your dish. Anyway. You were talking about... Oh, Cameron Diaz is coming.

I like that she didn't get a shout out. What is... What? How much are they paying these people to be there? Fucking A. Peloton instructors. Oh, man. Where is it?

Marty Brenneman. Marty Brenneman. Oh, my gosh. Anthony Munoz. Get him off my TV. Oh, bartender Where is it? Marty Brenneman. Marty Brenneman. Oh, my gosh. Get him off my TV. Oh, bartender Molly Wellman. I know about her. Guys, are we going to go together? No.

They'll all focus on- They didn't invite us. That's the thing. Six core pillars of transformation. They're inviting Cincinnati legends, but not us? Hello? Alexander, you need to immediately guess who the two concerts are. Immediately guess.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Immediately guess two free concerts. Why did they not advertise this part? Eagle Eye Cherry. No, but great guess. Nickelback. Nope.

Okay. Cherry Poppin' Daddy. Also great guess, but no. Zuccaro. I feel like all of these are so good. Zuccaro. I feel like all of these are so good. Zuccaro. I wish these were all performing. Nick Lachey.

No. Okay. I feel like I'm doing really well. You are. You're nailing it. I'm just sad that I haven't gotten one yet. I feel like you won even though you didn't actually guess. Give me a hint.

Like what about it would I guess? Like what would make me guess? Because it's just so ridiculous um smash mouth well okay what about uh consider it they might be performing during snack time bare naked ladies yes are you shitting me no i'm not and the other one is that was a good clue for me thank you because it's you's, you know, the wellness festival. Makes sense. I hope they sing songs from Snack Time.

What about like the ballad? There's like a ballad that's like nine minutes long in that album. I don't remember. I was just listening to it the other day. Really? That's great. And then what about. I'm trying to think of another hint.

Hmm. I'm trying to think of another hint. Hmm. Is there a connection that we have to this? No. Okay. It's like the opposite of Barenaked Ladies. Does that help?

Okay. Barenaked Ladies. It's a spectrum. Okay. Alien Ant Farm. No, we have a connection to that. Like corn. No. No. Tool.

What if it was just food-based? They were like, we couldn't really figure it out, so corn is coming. Opposite of Barenaked Ladies. Just like opposite, like totally different genre, totally different. Jason Aldean. He's in every fucking Cincinnati concert. How about I read you a lyric? Okay, please.

If you a freak, then you coming home with me. And I know what you came here to do. Now bust it open. Let me see you get low. Lil Jon? No. Usher? Wait.

Your girl just kissed a girl. I do buy. Missy Elliott. Shake for for a chic i'm throwing these emirates in the sky are people like screaming that i don't know this i don't think so i bet some people are okay so i assume this genre is hip-hop it's going down for real Who is that? Not Pitbull. How about this one? I'll sing this one.

How do I not know this? Can you blow my whistle, baby? Whistle, baby. Let me know. The whistle song. Girl, I'm going to show you how to do it. And we start real slow. You just put your lips together.

Isn't that Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins or something? Nope. And you come real close. Can you blow my whistle? Okay, no more. Who is it? Flo Rida. Flo Rida?

How do I not know this? Flo Rida and Barenaked Ladies are headlining the Kroger Wellness Festival alongside Cameron Diaz. That's so funny. And Anthony Munoz. What? Who knows what's happening, but I'm in. I'm excited. That's hilarious.

I will be blending up a casserole for everybody's enjoyment. And I can't wait to see you all there. I can't wait. By the way, I was thinking of the Whisper song. Yeah, I know what you were thinking of. Sorry. That's a Ying Yang Twins. Yeah.

Flo Rida. I feel embarrassed that it didn't come up with that. But wow, that's exciting. I might be in. Okay, we'll see. Isn't it weird how suddenly we're, like, more intrigued? It wasn't even the thing about their post with all that bullshit about Mike Cena.

Mike Cena? Who the fuck is Mike Cena? That's how little I care about him. Wow, be nice. I'm kidding. I like John Cena. But Mike Cena. God forbid.

No way. Who's coming this year? Gatorade? Splenda? What? Nestle? Well, you know they are. Probably in many forms. Is P&G Nestle? No. P&G is P&G. So then P&G is not letting Nestle

come, I think. You know what? That would track. Yeah. Pepsi is coming. That doesn't seem right. American Greetings. Okay. I'm out. I is coming. That doesn't seem right. American Greetings. Okay, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Wait, you're back in.

You're back in. No, I'm not. Go Go Squeeze. I love Go Go Squeeze. I know you do. Wait, you're right. I know you do. Wait, is Go Go Squeeze like Procter & Gamble?

They are a platinum contributor. What the fuck? Platinum? Okay, they must be owned by someone. Right? Who owns Coco Squeeze? How have we not ended this episode yet? It's never going to end.

Okay, we got to end it, everybody. I'm so sorry. It's owned by METAN? M-E-T-E-R? It certainly can't be that. North America. I don't know what the fuck this is. I think a Butterball's going to be there.

Butterball? A bunch of turkeys. Same with Dude Wipes. Oh, it's like Dude Wipes is the most ridiculous thing that I still don't understand. Mark Cuban owns Dude Wipes? He invested in it or whatever, yeah. I mean, as an investment, clearly it was a good investment. Oh, Liquid Death!

Well, I'm in. You're in now. Wow. Matern Industries. Dairy-free. Daya. Next to Daisy. Okay.

Daya, the worst of the vegan cheeses. Yeah, it's pretty nasty. But vegan cheese nonetheless. I still like it. Anyway, can we get out of here i'm now i'm just looking at some fruit company's website this is so weird bick didn't even spring for a gold platinum or a gold membership what a fucking nerd meanwhile gogo squeeze is platinum that's nuts i think it's like a french company that owns go Go Squeeze. So out of sight, out of mind. Oh, here, I clicked get the app and this is what happened.

A picture arrived. Is that where it is? Is that downtown or something? Probably by Kroger, where Kroger is. It's not. Why would it be by your house? She says as if there's like a place by her house that would have John Cena, Cameron Diaz. It is close to my house.

What? What is? It is. What is? Where is that? Vine Street. That's down, that's across a fucking river. Get out of here.

Okay, we're done. Thank you all for listening. We appreciate you all. We love you all. Yeah, we're supposed to be doing something for TikTok. So go check our social media and make it. Please make it. Please like it, even if it's not funny. Thank you.

Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.