Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 251: Reviews of Trails

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hey. Hey, you.

Look who I bought. Why? For myself. This is a Squishmallow called Danny. Hi, Danny. And Danny is, she is a Bigfoot. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Navy blue Bigfoot.

With very not big feet. Oxenar, why would you point that out? Is that, sorry. It's an insecurity of hers. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. My bad. Just kidding.

She has no insecurities. So I will say, I picked up the- The dream. I know, that's, i'm trying to learn a thing or two i bought um i didn't i bought this and then i went to the ups store to get our mail and some of them were a little squishy oh i thought to myself oh boy what is what's in those boxes so we're gonna open those afterward on uh put it on our socials sure probably um but depending on what you sent us you sent us anthrax i'm not i don't think i'll be up for squishy anthrax i don't know i'll post

it from my hospital bed you know me content above all else um do it for the story can you survive that like i actually don't know anthrax i i yeah i don't know we'll find out find out at the end of this episode find out on tikt at the end of this episode. Find out on TikTok. No. So anyway, I bought this guy. So if anyone's like, what's that? This is Danny, my new Squishmallow.

I also bought a moth named Barrett, but it was a Canada exclusive. So I had to buy it. A candidate exclusive? Canada. Oh, I was like. It's a country. A political thing? An exclusive Christine 2024.

Yeah. That's so fucking weird but that you could only buy them at certain gas stations in canada so then i had to buy it on posh i didn't have to do anything but i bought it on poshmark smart he's a moth and his name is barrett and he arrives today as well so i have i had an edible the other day and i went down a rabbit this is my they're hearing a problem happening. Yeah, I've created it. In real time, it's all occurring. It's getting delivered today.

This was delivered today and I picked the bar mail. So you know what? Wow. Squished mellows galore. I forget why I said any of this. I don't know. You said in case someone sees it and is wondering and I'm like, first of all, we don't post our full videos video anyway i don't know what i'm talking about i don't know what's going on i don't either oh oh oh i know so i know what i was gonna say what i swear i have not on any

drugs i'm just in a specifically heightened mood today um i it's all mental illness baby it's natural so I also wanted to point out that our camera well you won't see this either but we think there's a ghost involved well I do

because our camera the entire last episode was like apparently we didn't notice was like shift like panning it was weird

and Alexander went through and was watching like and it's sitting on a tripod yeah at a distance like it's not close to us if it moves can you imagine it moves like and it's sitting on a tripod yeah at a distance like it's not close to us if it moves can you imagine it moves right now it's not but we didn't notice it and then when i was because i cut the video to make it vertical for our video editor to post

social media clips and i couldn't because it shifted so much like sandy wasn't even in the frame so i'd have to shift it halfway and i was i'm i'm too lazy so i made our video person do it themselves but um anyway i don't know anyway it was creepy it was great it was weird it was like us just talking not touching anything he was like watching our hands and the whole thing was just like slowly sliding and then by the end it was way far off of what i'm just weirded out because I use this thing all the time. So I don't know. We're wondering. It was also, I think, the same episode where you kept kicking things off of the.

That might be part of the problem. I think it's a ghost, but we don't know for sure. You're right. We don't. We don't know for sure. Anyway. Anyway, speaking of ghosts uh today's reviews of trails you're gonna like this then this is from megan she her um who sent reviews of trail mix from walmart

say i she wrote artistic liberty in interpretation which i just thought was beautiful you know so hey i i'm not arguing and i think that's a that was a great thing to write in about. Okay. And also, Megan also sent actual reviews of Trails. So those will come soon. So are these Trail Mixes? Maybe I'll find out. I need to know what's in these Trail Mixes. Okay, let me read you the product description.

Not that I eat M&Ms anymore, but back in the day when I did, I would never eat a Trail Mix that didn't have M&Ms. Me neither. It wasn't real trail mix. I don't actually eat trail mix because I'm grossed out by pretty much everything in it. Oh, Zandy. It looks nasty. I got to be honest with you.

However, I have read the reviews, so maybe that's why. Peanuts, raisin, milk chocolate candies. That's it what wait peanuts here peanuts chocolate and milk wait milk oh okay i mean i probably would still eat it part of this is the raisins of course i love how they have like a an image of what it would look like if a person held this bag ah this could be you there's a contentious thing sorry what's contentious you'll see okay here we go this is a one star review by paul yes this mix does have an abundance of raisins as expected, but I liked the first bag enough to order it again. The second bag was about half raisins, which would not be a deal breaker if they were good raisins.

Half raisins? That's the worst trail mix ratio I've ever heard of. The raisins keep just increasing in number in every new batch. Yes, this is like a big conspiracy. I mean, I'd assume raisins are the cheapest part of trail mix, right? They're the cheapest probably, and they take up a lot of weight. True. So you can just kind of dump them in there. I guess.

Make up the volume. Okay. Yeah. The problem with the raisins in the second bag is the mix of large, fresh, chewy raisins and small, dry raisins with a weird and unpleasant crunch. Ew. Ew. Yes. I don't think I've ever crunched a raisin. Yeah, it's fucking gross. I didn't know that was possible. When I further investigated the small raisins, I discovered the grunt. The grunt? The grunt? Grunch. I'm sorry, I said grunch. Um, hold on. Let me say that again. When I further investigated the small raisins, I discovered the

crunch was due to seeds. Since I have no idea if the small non-seedless, I love, by the way, non-seedless. Instead of just like seeded raisins, but whatever. Because I think seedless should be the default. That's fair. So I agree. That's fair. Since I have no idea if the small non-seedless raisins will show up in future bags, I cannot recommend this mix. End of review.

Okay. You know, I never thought of that. What? Because famously, raisins are grapes originally, correct? Right, right, right, right. So I assume most raisins are made with seedless grapes? Yeah. So I would never have thought that there'd even be a seeded raisin.

That's gross. But I guess it makes sense with seeded grapes existing. But like with seeded grapes, they're so bitter. The seeds are like if you accidentally bite into it... You don't eat the seeds. I know, but if you... Do you? No, no, no. I don't.

I'd never have... I have avoided seeded grapes for most of my life for good reason. So fucking privileged. So I don't actually know what one does with seeded grapes. So with Leona, we bought grapes in Germany and they all had seeds in them and I had to cut them in half and pull all the seeds out. It was a real pain in the ass. Got it. I'll be honest with you. I can't imagine. I had to face my privilege. I bet people who eat seeded grapes, eat the seeds. They must. I mean, it's, there were

some of them had three seeds in them, like these big ass seeds. I'm like, but they taste so bad. They're so bitter. Um, okay. Can I just read one more one star about the raisins just while we're on the topic? Okay. Yuck. So this is, oh, sorry. That was not, that was the title. That was you. That was me.

Yuck the grunch. Okay. This is a one star review by Dublin titled Yuck. I really enjoyed the trail mix and had almost finished the bag when I found what looks like a slug in an almond. I'd put it in my mouth without looking and felt something was wrong. I am super disgusted and will not be purchasing this product again. Here's a photo. Okay, because I was like, slugs are pretty fucking hard to miss, aren't they?

It's hard to tell what's happening here. I can't really see it. It's a picture of an almond. But it looks like something's protruding from the almond. And I'm... Xenor, can I tell you something? I can't totally tell. Yeah, please tell me this gross thing.

There were so many bugs people found in this trail. In the Great Value Trail Mix? Yes. The raisins are a huge point of contention because a lot of them were either molded or like giant. Here's the thing. What? I figured it out. The reason they added more and more raisins is because more and more bugs were getting in the batch.

And people wouldn't notice the bugs because they just think they're raisins if they put enough raisins in. Oh. The raisins increasing might not even be raisins increasing. They're not raisins at all. It might be raisins plus bugs being introduced to the mix. That's terrible. To the mix. The D the mix. That's terrible. To the mix. The grail mix.

The grail mix. The grunchy grail mix. True. Yeah. I gotta be honest. The raisins either have the dang stem still attached. The raisins are massive. People are saying they take up so much space oh really yes i'm so weirded

out found a rusty screw in one of the little individual bags okay i mean i'm telling you i'm so grossed out by all of this that's pretty fun there's a lot of photos i thought there was fuzz on it looked like stuffing from a pillow and then it turned out to be white little eggs inside i know the number of like eggs they found in these things i'm sorry to gross everyone out but i am like here everyone tunes in for an episode on trails and we get raisins disgusting trail mix reviews it looked like stuffing from a pillow and there were little white eggs in it. I'm sorry. That's so fucking gross. And then she just keeps going and repeats it.

I'm so grossed out. A cocoon inside one of the peanuts. How do you think everyone else feels? Oh, I'm repulsed. Anyway. Anyway. Your turn to do an actual review. Okay.

Well, this is a five-star review. So kind of like a redemption. This is from Lily, and this is a review of Ruffner Mountain Eastern Trailhead in Birmingham, Alabama. Here is the review. Evening Firefly hike to see synchronized flashing. End of review. Wait, what? Synchronized flashing.

Of the fireflies? They're getting flashed. I don't know. Someone's getting flashed. Never mind. It was a stupid joke. It's not a joke. Review's not a joke.

I just, look, Lily and I thought it was funny that they called it flashing. Like, you know what flashing is when you flash someone. Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, with your boobs. So they went on a trail and they saw synchronized flashing. That's all it is. Okay, I get it i was thinking of the fireflies still well duh that's what they're talking about like that's but the

fact they called it synchronized it just okay lily thought it was funny okay i thought it was funny i just i guess i was hung up on um like where do they make their nests and their cocoons is it inside raisins and that's all i can think about so i do apologize that why do you think it trail mixes you take it on a hike oh and then they burrow into it yeah okay got it yeah i listen i'm sorry i let's just move on i also thought synchronized flashing like how do the bugs know how to do that okay you know no'm going to just let you continue. Okay, fine. Fine.

How do bugs know how to do anything? I mean, but I'm just saying it's not synchronized, is it? It might be. I don't think so. And I have it on good authority. They might sync with other things, like potential mating partners or something. I don't know what the fuck bugs do. Like their cycles sync up?

Sure, why not? I don't know. Nature's weird. More from Megan, but actual trails this time is what I wrote. This is a three star review and she did not include what trails, so sorry.

Three stars by a local guide named Brian. Nice place, but too much mosquito. End of the video. Why is everything we've talked about so far bugs? Every single one. Nothing's like happened. Like that's the wild thing here i feel very off there was literally when you just think about it there's a hike a trail that has

fireflies and a trail that has mosquitoes that's all we've touched on so far we've touched on a lot more than with our trails i'm not counting that first fucking mess. Fine. Which I enjoyed. I'm glad it happened, Megan. Thank you. Yeah, he sounds like it. My next one. This is from Elta of Lester Park Trails and Playground in Duluth, Minnesota. It's a two-star review.

Smelly, terrible place to bring your seed. Maybe they meant their trail mix with their seeded raisins. It sounds like the perfect place. Bring them there. Spit them out. Grow some new grape trees. True. So, ew, what do you think they were trying to say?

To bring your, like, there's nothing I can think of. Their children. Oh. Kids? I assume their seed. Oh, gross. Is that not what they meant? not a weird way to say that i don't know i thought it was a typo so i have another review from megan and this is another trail that was not listed by mo one star ah whatever sound he does me i did not pick up on any feelings.

That's why I said it that way, because it's just capital A-H-H-H, but no punctuation. Okay. So I was doing kind of- So it could have been, it was very in between- A read where it could, you put your own spin on it as the audience. Okay, my spin is that it was really awkward sounding. That's what I figured, and that's kind of what I was going for. Ah, we went to the riverside

and planned to climb the big rocks. It was a bad move and found snake on one of the rock. Please be aware with the water as it has snake in it. Also, trees were falling by itself. Oh no. Not by itself.

Both of these reviews I have like too much mosquito it has a snake in it like i'm you know it has a snake in it it's people who haven't been outside either in a while maybe it's like post-covid they're like oh my god i forgot snakes existed you mean i forgot snake existed i forgot snake and mosquito existed uh that's a good point um there's snake in water also trees falling by itself i don't know quite what the alternative is that they fall due to yeah like they were looking for a lumberjack right no one was felling these trees yeah so strange how could they fall i was looking for someone dressed in plaid yeah with a big axe that's what i see on tiktok so or that lumberjack cake you made or whatever that was

telling you uh that's why you photograph all your failures because that tiktok is my most successful tiktok of my failed lumberjack cake. You know, the tears led to a couple follows. Good. Yeah. Happy for those two. Anyway. That's how I feel when I go out on a hike.

I forgot snake existed. Yeah. I forgot hills existed when I'm walking up them. Am I right, folks? Here's the review. This is a review presented by Jess of Marshall Conservation Area Trailhead. What a lame-ass name. Conway, New Hampshire.

Boring. I'm not bringing my seed there. It says... Okay, good. It's not really my seed. They have a big sign in one of the pictures. It says, user responsibilities. What nerds?

Oh, my God. This is the lamest. Do not litter. Like, come on. Boo. Okay. The trees get to fall by itself, but I don't get to litter? Yeah, because it says no wood cutting.

No, it does not. What the heck? It does. Why do you think I'm here? It also says firearm target practice prohibited. Then where am I going to firearm? Marshall, are you like, do you speak for the trees? Is that what you're trying to say? Lorax? Fucking Lorax.

They wish. Lorax vibes. Marshall has such Lorax vibes. I don't even know who Marshall is. This is in Conway. Anyway, it has good reviews. Here is a review, a three-star review, though. It used to be a place of happiness for me and the woman that I love.

Oh, no. End of review. Oh, no! You can't leave me hanging like that. I was buckling in for, like, I started picturing the beautiful romantic sunsets they watched together. And then you just cut it short. I did. Well, here's the thing.

Too much mosquito? When two lovers embark on a trip, on a journey. With or without their seed? Without their seed. Okay. But they go to the Marshall Conservation Trailhead, Park Trailhead place. Why do you think they would fight? Because they're not allowed to fell any trees i stopped listening to you a while ago this trail is for the best so boring i can't listen to any more information about it there's not even snake in water i don't see why anybody cares about this place

There's not even snake in water. I don't see why anybody cares about this place. Why am I being so mean? I don't know. This is from Madeline Sheher, and she said, The 22 years I've lived in Colorado has prepared me for this very moment. Wow. Here's a review from All Trails.

It's one star, and prepared you were, but not that prepared, because she didn't put the name of the trail in it, so that's nice. Here is a one-star view by MC. Horribly inaccurate trail description. Whoever labeled this trail as kid-friendly obviously does not have kids. And there are multiple rock scrambles throughout, which are completely left out of any description. This is not a trail for kids at all. And on days when it's even mildly windy, this trail acts as a crazy wind funnel with gusts so strong it knocked our nine-year-old into a cactus bush. I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh. That seems... Wind funnel sounds fun. Kind of hilarious. Like you just jump and you go, wee, into a cactus.

I'm sorry. I don't think it would take you or me the same way it would take a nine-year-old. It would be like, wee, and I'd be going nowhere. You'd jump, but it was actually just you kind of going on your tippy toes and not leaving the ground. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to jump to begin with. That's a good point. Okay. And on days when it's even mildly windy,

this trail acts as a crazy wind funnel with gusts so strong, it knocked our nine-year-old into a cactus bush. Pretty scenery, but we were wildly unprepared for this hike thanks to the horrendous job all trails did on describing it. I mean, I've used all trails before but um in my mind it's like user generated information right yeah i'm pretty sure it's reviews like this that

generate the information about it so i don't i don't know i could be wrong but i feel like like maybe all trails has like for some trails has a base like that they give a space description which i feel like wouldn't necessarily be all trails fault since they're getting the information from somewhere. I guess. It just feels weird. I don't really know how it works. Either if it's whether it's user generated information, then it's still not all trails fault. Or if they're getting the information from the trail, it's also not their fault.

I don't know. Yeah. Unless they intentionally were like. Also, they don't control the weather. And like even if someone they do oh in that case sorry i forgot to mention they do um control mostly just wind just the wind yeah yeah because this was on april fool's day though so that might have been part of the joke like here bring children super kid friendly the lighter they are the better it's also there's, it's not sharp, this trail. Put wings on them.

This trail's not sharp. Make sure they're wearing aerodynamic clothing. Wink. Would aerodynamic clothing make it so that the wind wouldn't pick them up? You're correct. So they make them not wear aerodynamic clothing. They can't wear any aerodynamic clothing. Make them wear parachutes.

Make them wear a big parachute around, like a cape, and then they will fall directly into a cactus. This is the best April Fool's prank ever. I thought it was really good. We laughed. We did laugh. We laughed at the expense of a child. Yeah, what else is new? What else is new?

Yeah, okay. My next one was sent in by Gabriella. This is a five-star of Gus Fru, which is a hiking area in Austin, Texas. Five stars. Okay. Ready? I don't know. I don't like this. Makes me think of the one before. I don't know what the fuck. I don't like this. No, no, no, no. When you start with this energy, it makes me really anxious. So there was this girl I super had a crush on, and we went to see Ween at Stubbs one night. And after she wanted to go for a swim, and we hiked down there in the dark.

Then when we got there, we got naked and jumped in the water. Oh my god. That's when I told her I had a huge crush on her, and I was thinking about giving her a smooch. But I didn't know if that was a good idea. She swam around me a couple of times underwater. Then came up and we had us a love connection it lasted almost a year I will never forget how amazing she looked in the light and the water end of I'm sorry that was even wilder than I anticipated first of all you start off with a Ween concert I feel deeply uncomfy I would love to see Ween live I used to think Ween

Ocean Man I was listening to Mollusk on the way here, actually Like, no joke, I forgot I had this review That's such a good song Alexander Huh? Imagine they're just playing it on their, what year was that like? This was written four years

ago but i so i don't know when this actually happened imagine like an iphone 5 and it's playing like ocean man and they're just like making out forming memories for the but also like you wait till she's naked to be like i'm in love with you. It just, I don't know. I mean. Oh, man, you're analyzing this person. I don't know. This feels like a fucking like, and I mean this in a good way. A pervert. No.

Just kidding. It feels like a John Green novel, you know? Like a. Okay, yeah. We're under the moonlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This feels like it's a John, except for you know? Like a... Okay, yeah, we're under the moonlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This feels like it's a John... Except for the ween part. I feel like if John...

Like looking for Alaska, like... We were listening to ween. I used to think ween was a misspelling of Weezer, which doesn't make any sense. So maybe that's what John Green would have picked up. Like he would have switched to Weezer. I don't make any sense. So maybe that's what John Green would have picked up. Like he would have switched to Weezer. I don't know. I just.

That's so weird. I don't know. It was always my thought because I was always disappointed when it ended up being Ween, unfortunately. I'm sorry for all the Ween lovers out there. For all the Ween lovers. I'm a Ween lover. I know.

Do you hear me say that? Huh? Sorry, Blazenday sometimes talk about how you're such a Ween lover. I know. Do you hear me say that? Huh? Sorry, Blaise and I sometimes talk about how you're such a ween lover. I'm such a ween lover. I thought maybe you overheard. No, no. This is upsetting. It's upsetting in an uncomfy way, whatever you just told me, and I don't want to think

about it anymore. The review? Yes. Okay, okay. I didn't know which part of what we just talked about. Is this John Green writing it? I didn't know which part of what we just talked about Is this John Green writing it? Christina

You could hear me like stumbling And struggling to get like through the first sentence Because there was no punctuation And so I like my intonation was off So go re-listen if you really want to hear Because I could feel myself struggling through it And it was There's words that were completely wrong

That I just replaced ween was actually weezer you misread it it was like i knew it it was something like when we were in the one instead it was like what we were in the water like it was like oh maybe that is full words it was not it made no sense okay so maybe marshall park this was not john green writing i feel like marshall park rules had to like hand pencil in a new rule. Like don't get naked after the Ween concert and like create a love connection. No Ween lovers allowed. No Ween lovers allowed. They are no fun, those Marshall people.

And they're just going to be like, I don't know. They're going to get in trouble. But they mean Ween the band, you know? Ween lovers. Or do they? JK. Okay. So here is another one star review sent in by madeline um and this

is a one-star view by jonathan fucking idiot unmasked road biker came within six feet of me and i'm now having horrible ruminations asshole what's a room that's when you like think about something deeply right like a deep thought yeah so he's having deep bad thoughts now because an unmasked dirt bike dirt biker rode by within six feet that's not social distancing if this had happened on marshall trail the police would have been called so i mean yeah i don't think they allow motorbike what was it a dirt bike i mean i think it was a mountain biker a road biker oh a road biker is that a not is that a a road bike unless this road biker spit on you i think they didn't do anything to you health-wise but i mean it's like they give you a little

smooch on the way past. This was in May of 2021. And I'm like, should I smooch them? I don't know. They're fully naked and so am I, but. I just like a horrible rumina- They're fully naked. We, I didn't mention that part.

I'm having horrible ruminations is like the saddest thing I've ever read on all trails. Like, cause I feel like you go to a trail to have good ruminations. It's like I'm looking over the edge to have good ruminations like i'm looking over the edge and having horrible ruminations at the top of this cliff call somebody you know and then i think they don't know what ruminations means if oh right like what it makes no sense maybe they meant like they're having horrible like um rheumatoid arthritis like some sort of illness no i that's my first thought. I was like, what? Ruminations. I thought they were going to say some sort of like medical issue

that they're having. Oh. I don't know. Horrible rumination? Now I'm having horrible Robitussin. Oh, and I'm having it instead of the beautiful wine I was going to drink with my wife tonight.

I have to drink this horrible Robitussin. I feel like that and then the hyphen asshole is just so delightful. Also, just right below it, because it's in the same screenshot, Susanna left two stars and said, too muddy and so much poop. So I feel like you should be more worried about that spreading illness than maybe this six foot away.

I mean, listen, I know we didn't know how this disease spread and all this, and it was very scary times. Maybe let's just avoid this show altogether. There's unmasked people and poop everywhere. Also, people tend to unnecessarily hate people on bicycles. Yeah, there's really- Just in general. Quite.

They got it out for those guys. It's a terrible- Yeah. What's a road Just in general. Quite. They got it out for those guys. It's a terrible... I... Yeah. What's a road bike? Like, that's what's... I think they mean, like, yeah, someone who rides on, like, one of those, like, fancy bikes that are very expensive but aren't meant for off-roading. Oh, I see.

That's my thinking. Ooh, look how pretty this one is. No, they're... Should I buy that? Those are like the cruisers. Is that what they're called? Yeah. That's what they're called? Yeah. I'm thinking like the actual...

Like a real bike. The people who are cyclists are like, that's not a real bike. And they'd probably be right. They're such assholes. I'm always ruminating about how assholes they are. I'm going to get my e-bike. You're probably still not going to pass them. That's the funny bit. I'm just going to have horrible ruminations on my e-bike you're probably still not gonna pass them that's the funny bit i'm just gonna have

horrible ruminations on my e-bike later okay asshole okay have fun thanks uh my next one is from tara she her who uh sent a review of the grand canyon of pennsylvania overlooked in leonard harrison state park it just says of pennsylvania really small they hope nobody notices Pennsylvania Overlook Trail in Leonard Harrison State Park. It just says of Pennsylvania really small. They hope nobody notices. The Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania. Okay, listen. I was just at a wedding this past weekend, and one of the girls I was talking to, she said,

remember, we were talking about those old-timey commercials, and she's like, remember the one that always came on during Price is Right with the people in the um what are those things called i have not gotten enough context i don't know what the hell you're talking about those wheelchairs that are motorized and they would always be at the grand canyon oh true she's like they would always just roll out of their rv to look at the grand canyon i don't know what those are called but yeah like a motorized scooter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think they call them scooters, right? A motorized scooter, I guess.

Yeah. So anyway, I was just thinking about like what if you accidentally ended up at the Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania. What a cool like ad to film. I was like, did they just get a drone? Oh yeah, we filmed at the Grand Canyon. Like come bring your scooter or we'll provide you a scooter. Yeah, hop on board. I would do that. Sounds like a blast. Anyway, this is a review of the Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania Overlook Trail.

Five stars. Gobble, gobble. The turkey trail was great. Taken from a professional couch potato. Drove up to the park this morning and wowza, the view was spectacular. Just go on through the view entrance. Honey, you don't even need to hike for a view of the grand canyon with this spot winky face but i need the exercise so i took myself on the more difficult of the trail the turkey trail and it really wasn't too

bad not gonna lie there are way too many warning signs about how steep or dangerous the trail is frankly it almost scared my poor 64-year-old mother from not finishing this with me. Nonetheless, we persisted. That's what that quote was about. Nevertheless, she persisted. It was about that mom, that 64-year-old mom. On the turkey trail.

Being coerced. Ignoring warning signs. Being coerced to ignore all the warning signs. Oh, boy. Going down is easy pickings. There are superb views of the falls once you get down to the bottom of the turkey trail. But you must go

back up. And to serve it justice, going up was not too bad of a challenge. Take a rest, focus on breathing, and eat pretzels unless you're gluten-free. There are spawns and benches to rest, rocks to sit on, and it's covered by ginormous trees,

so it's pretty cool and shady. Overall, the frog scared the crap out of me, but it was still a 10 out of 10. Overall, it's like they don't know how to write a standard essay. They're like, all in all, the frog scared the shit out of me.

What frog? Exactly. You can't just throw that in at the end without any context. I don't know what that was. I actually think this sounds like a delightful trail. I would do that. Oh, yeah. Someone was like, I'm a couch potato and I drag my mom up and down it.

Although, I don't know. All the notes about all the warning signs, I'm like, I don't think I would have ignored those. So I was just on a trip with some friends in Atlanta, and we went hiking. And some of my friends have a habit of stretching the truth. So they'll be like, oh, yes, this is a three-mile trail loop. It's completely flat first of all it wasn't flat at all there were very steep steep steep hills and i did it but i wasn't happy and it was 3.6 miles that is a lie that is too much of a 0.6 miles is too much of it if they

had said three and a half miles that's one that's one thing and so then the next day we were talking about doing another hike that we ended up not doing would be four miles but they're like they're like oh it's less than a mile one way it was and i'm not exaggerating literally 0.99 miles i was so i was because i like i wasn't looking at it like it was on the tv like we were sitting in the living room talking about it and like had the trail up and everything and it was like oh it's less than a mile and i'm like oh okay like that's not too bad and i look up i'm like it's 0.99 miles and also it turns out the full one would have been like over three miles total. So, never mind.

You're sounding a lot like an all trails user. And I'll go into this again after my next review, before my final trails review. Okay. Because I have another tale to tell. Well, I've told it before. Another trail tale? Another trail tale. I'm just going to move on.

Is this about your hospitalization? It is. Oh, great. Okay. We couldn't do this without that information. That's how I feel. I'm sorry. We can't.

It would be ridiculous to not discuss it on this episode. I agree. So this is a redemption. It was sent in by Madeline. And of course, I was immediately drawn to it because she wrote, this dude's name is Gordon Bonger. And I know I'm putting his full name out there, but this is what he goes by on all trails. He's like a personality, like Fox, you know. And so she said, this dude's name is Gordon Bonger.

He is very wholesome and mentions his dog Azul in almost every review. Cute. So I'm going to read the four-star review of Make Do Hike, spelled M-A-K-E-D-U-E, Hike in Boulder, Colorado. This is a four-star review. Here we go. First trail we started on outside Boulder was a bust. No dogs allowed. I raised that trail a one-fingered toast.

Of course, I didn't see it on the trail info either. So we took this short trail on the fly. A nice trail. Parking lot is completely full. Wait for a spot to open. Made something out of a busted day. End of review. Now, please just take a look

at gordon bonger and azul and he posts a lot of pictures selfies so cute i know and like he has his little panama hat this is not a panama hat and uh he has his cooling hat from an infomercial i guess where you put it water on it and it makes cold. I don't know. And he's got a great handlebar mustache, some wraparound. Is that what that was? Okay. Is that? You know, I don't know anymore. I don't know. I don't think so. I thought those go down. Never mind. It looks like a big caterpillar on his face. Believe it or not, I don't know anything about mustaches. So I just love the wholesome vibes. It's lovely, yes. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. Okay, so that was my last one, actually. Okay, I lied because it turns out I only have one more. So a quick little story. I've told it before, but it's relevant for my review, so I'm telling it again. Okay. Yes, my friends, Simon and Liz. The liars, by the way.

One and the same. Liz was not a liar. Simon. Stretch the truth. Simon, you know what? His perspective on trails and hiking is different from my own. So I don't blame him. But when he says something is not strenuous, for me, it's very strenuous.

You know, that's just what it's about. His worldview is just more complex. More complex, yes. I have a very simple worldview compared to him. Especially when it comes to hiking and outdoors. I'm the one who says, I think there's a snake in water. Yes, exactly. That's me.

That one felt like us. We like flashing. I would raise my hand. I like to be flashed on my hikes. Synchronized. Synchronized, of course. We're not heathens, obviously. But I feel like in that room, I would have been the one to raise my hand and say, that's fine.

Is there snake in water? Is trees falling by itself? Because otherwise, i'm out the and the problem here though was also i i have this issue where i don't like planning things i don't like making decisions uh therefore i kind of defer to other people uh wholly like i give them full by the way people love that shit some do no some, most do. When you have two of those first versions of people in one room like this, things can go awry. It doesn't work. But some people just love that shit.

Yeah, some people love to just take over and do the planning and do all the work. Go for it. in la and they weren't they visited me in la and uh i was would drive and we drove and we went to catalina island uh and hiked the trans catalina trail not the full thing we were gonna like we were going to finish part of it uh first day was beautiful we had some beautiful views it was fucking tough like i was i was struggling at times but I felt so accomplished by the time we got to the campsite. I don't know how many miles we did, but it was a fuck ton for me. Most I've ever hiked still.

I heard it was less than one mile. It was like .99 miles. And we get there, then we camp overnight. What provisions did you bring again? Stop! I just am curious. We're all wondering. Okay.

So here we go. I'm, look, all three of us are equally at fault for this. We thought it would be a good idea because we thought, oh, how bad can this be? It's going to be beautiful weather. It's going to be nice. Plenty of time to stop. Stories that start that way always end well. We'll get to the campsite and be so relaxed and have a nice night.

So we brought some wine with us. Oh, Lord. I mean, that part I'm like, sure, obviously. We also brought iced coffee, like a jug. Obviously. Both priority number one. You know, instead of like powder or something. Like, you know, it wasn't smart.

Oh, I see. So you're saying it was like heavy and not efficient. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heavy and also shouldn't be drinking. We shouldn't be dehydrating ourselves. Spoiler alert for what happens later. No? I mean, whatever.

But we didn't bring enough electrolytes. I did have Gatorade. I was drinking Gatorade. But we also, for food, we brought, I wasn't vegan, so we brought beef jerky, tortillas, peanut butter, and Oreos. And I want to say that's about it four main food groups that's probably it and we're gonna spend one night and i want to say we're just gonna make it to the no i think we have spending we're gonna have two nights so it's like three full days of hiking regardless we didn't finish it because the second day we're hiking and we get to this like

place that's just like this huge open valley and we look over and up on top of this like hill is a is a is a bison so it was really cool and they told us to be wary of bison because they can and will kill us if we get too close and these are bison on the island that were brought there for a film production like i don't know in the 40s or something crazy like 30s i don't know when it was but he was a bison famous bison in the film industry um exactly and then they just left him there because it was like you know it was back then i just brought all these bison i miss the good old days or you could just bring wild animals to an island and now they like live there but uh we were hiking and then it was wide like fully open, no shade from the sun. And I started getting really cold.

And I was like, that's not right. You're like, that's great. It's really fucking hot. I was feeling pretty hot. The sun is beating down. Why am I cold? And why am I shivering? So we stopped.

We got some Oreos in me, got plenty of water. I was chugging water. Eventually, we were like, this might be serious. Let's fucking leave. But we didn't have service. Like since we started the hike, it was just middle of nowhere. Um, and then we found, uh, uh, like a, a service road and we followed it and we got to a main road and we flagged down a car and it was just like um someone like rangers no it was like a it was a he was in a like a ac van like an ac company van or something it was like some sort of company electrician or something and he let me sit in the car and cool down i was like a fucking zombie um and simon had carried my stuff and simon and liz were not doing well

like they were like they were i think i was the worst off but they were not doing well. I think I was the worst off, but they were not doing well. This was not good. And so they were sitting outside with all our stuff, and I was the only one in the van. And the guy said that his boss wouldn't allow him to drive us down because it would be a liability or something, so he couldn't hitchhike down to the main part of the island. So instead, he called the ranger. Was his name Marshall? They called Marshall. He's a nerd. uh he called like the ranger his name marshall and they ended up they called marshall oh marshall called the ranger and then they showed up with a fucking ambulance uh fire truck jesus uh like they showed up like they fucking showed up and they were like why are

you hiking you're not supposed to be hiking out here today and we were like what it turns out they had put out an alert not because it was so hot. And so they put me in the ambulance. They get me an IV and we start driving down and they stop like the they stop to tell people walking up to turn around. They're like, you're not hiking today. No one should be hiking today. So like we were hiking when we shouldn't have been, but we didn't know it because we didn't have service. And I guess we didn't plan ahead enough. Wasn't it like crazy record heat? It was terrible heat, especially in that. So that's the thing is we didn't have the weather for that, that like area.

Everyone's like, why did you not prepare more? Because we didn't. Because we were. We didn't. We were young. We were young. We were youthful. I mean, I wasn't involved, but I was also young back then.

But yeah, so basically I just had heat exhaustion. So not like heat stroke. It didn't get that bad. So Blaze and I were at home and we suddenly get a message like, Zanny's in the hospital. Ha ha, here's a photo. But he's fine. And I'm like, Christ alive. Yeah, so there are photos.

There are photos. Post them on our Instagram or something. Yeah, there you go. That'll be our content. That'll be the draw to get people to listen. But yeah, we got there and then then we went to eat and i was feeling probably the best of the three of us at that point because i had an iv and they didn't but they hung out with me at the hospital then we all went to eat but then we were like literally

limping because we were all just fucking toast yeah and we were limping to the ferry and if you've been on catalina island i don't know what is now, but back then it was like so many young people, like super like young, hip college kid age people like partying and playing on these floats in the water and we were just like limping and like my mouth was just agape because I just was, I felt like a fucking zombie just walking through this ferry.

It sounds like you were like a fish out of water. Yeah. And like, I think my leg was so burnt and like it hurt and it was i was limping so bad that simon had to drive my car home because i just like couldn't do it um the stick shift yeah wow yeah so anyway uh man i'm not an ocean man you're not a trail man either but i do have i do have a review and this is of the catalina island medical center shut up okay okay okay we started with buggy trail mix and ending with medical center this seems how we would approach a review about or an episode about trails yeah yeah good time so this is a five-star review. Just flew home on helicopter from Catalina.

I fell on the rocky beach and dislocated my hip. The EMT and firefighters safely got me into some kind of a sling, being ever so cautious of the pain I was in. Into the ambulance and to the hospital, two-bed department, Dr. Ron and Nurse Melissa were fantastic, reassured me and got my hip back in place, which of course helped with the horrible pain. All the boats had already left.

They arranged for helicopter to my hospital for my ortho doctor to treat. I cannot say enough of how wonderful, professional, and reassuring they were. Teeny tiny little hospital, but huge hearted staff. Thank you to the best team and treatment I have had the pleasure of experiencing. End of review.

I was waiting for her to be like, I'll be back. And they're like, no, I can't afford to come back because I just spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on a fucking helicopter. Imagine. I'm so glad they didn't fucking helicopter you back. We would have been, we'd be still drowning in debt. Yeah. That was crazy.

Yeah. As if you paid for my medical debts. I would have, if you had to get helicoptered back as if you paid for my medical debts. I would have. If you had to get helicoptered back to LA, you know I would have somehow had to get involved, I feel like, as the wiser of the two of us. Totally. But yeah, that's my story. I would have sued Simon and Liz for something, for not checking the weather. I don't know.

No, that's the thing. We were all just doing it. We learned lessons, for sure like it wasn't smart order stop defending them why what they did nothing wrong for your hospital bills this is an alternate reality where you oh got it where i sued them okay um and in this alternate reality i also know how to sue people and i'm really i was gonna say i'm really good at it, by the way. This is surprising. Yeah. That's from you. Okay.

Yeah. So that's the end of my Trails thing. That's the end of my Trail, too. I got to say, what a journey we've been on. What a journey, right? And now it's your challenge, even though I thought Trails was my challenge. I know. It's mine.

And the challenge is from Bella. Reviews where someone says a different reviewer must have been high or on drugs okay here we go oh i like this one so what's fun about my first one is it's of a trail oh my gosh it's a reviewer of hayward plunge a trail in hayward california why anything called plunge nobody should be walking on or near. Well, this, I think, is for mountain biking. Still. A mountain biking trail. So plunge.

That kind of makes more sense, right? No. What do you mean? Are you going faster into the plunge? Yeah, that's what people do. Have you seen mountain biking? It's crazy, those people. They're impressive.

Anyway. The unmasked ones, for sure. Here is an anonymous review of this. I feel like you don't listen to my fun jokes while you're talking. I was busy. What was it? It doesn't matter anymore. Okay.

Also, I don't... This is from 2000, this review. And I don't... Retro. For some of them, I have the other review that they're referencing. But this one, I don't. Because I don't... Retro. For some of them, I have the other review that they're referencing, but this one I don't because I don't know it. And I don't think this one

would be too particularly interesting. Here we go. First of all, that previous reviewer must be high. Follow the trail up about one and a half miles. You hit a small BMX area. Cool place to goof off and smash your body into the ground

because you're not as young as you wish you were. Stop the bleeding and continue lower route. Pass the BMX area to stay on the trail. Single track goes on about another three quarters of a mile, and you will ride between a large drainage pipe and a cyclone fence up the road. That's where you got it wrong. I won't be doing any of those things.

I will not. I will never. Yeah, this reminds me of you and your weekend activities. You can't pay me to even go near something called plunge. Okay. I think we're like barely through the trail too. It just keeps going. Cross the road, go right uphill about 100 feet and enter trail again on left.

Then you will ride up about two and a half miles, getting steeper and more rugged as you go. When you get to the street at the top, proceed straight to the end of the long court in front of you. Here, you will enter the trail back down. Oh, hell yeah! This is a fun ride down. I know how to ride and wreck pretty good, but you are not going to do 40 miles per hour here, baby. Once you get back to the road at the bottom, you just jump back on the same trail you came up in the beginning. It's about a 7-mile ride with a decent but short workout to get to the top. Blast a ride down through short.

It has some steep and some high speed jumping sections of single track. Only bad part is it's way too small. No other real riding options there. Peace, boys. End of review. Oh, my God. I think they're not on drugs, but maybe they should be. Because I'm...

Yeah. Get away from there. Get away. My next one is – I was expecting every time they were like, then turn and you'll reach. I'm like, the hospital. Yeah. No?

The helicopter landing pad. The EMT who's waiting for you with a sling. Jesus Christ. My next one is a book on Amazon titled Boys Town 5 Murder Book. Oh, my God. Front Seeds Boys Town Mysteries. Murder Book. By Marshall Thornton.

Marshall. Marshall. Marshall. Yeah, Marshall's a theme, huh? So this one, I'm going to just mention the other review. The other review was a three-star review. Honestly, seemed like a very good critique it's someone who's a fan of the authors and um was basically just saying they preferred the first

three in this series or something like very well written like constructive constructive i thought so and not saying that this one isn't but this person is calling out someone who like didn't say anything egregious in my opinion opinion. Is this one written by Marshall? This is by Rachel Thornton. Oh. His wife? Well, no, because actually, based on the series, probably, I don't think that, never mind. That made no sense.

That joke was stupid. Here we go. Five stars. Verified purchase. The best one yet. Yes, because I said so. And because Marshall Thornton is one of the best gay fiction writers I've read ever. I'm so heteronormative with my jokes.

Yeah, you are. It's terrible. I'm always telling him. The moment I said that, I was like, I forgot what this book was. For such a ween lover, I never expected it from you. That's so true. Seriously. Oh, we need to work on that. For such a ween lover, I never expected it from you. That's so true. Seriously. Oh, we need to work on that.

Okay, here we go. Work on my ween loving. No, that part's fine. We need to work on... No, actually, it's not. It's not fine? You don't think my ween loving is fine? It's clearly out of control.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, everybody. Here we go. What is ween? I feel like 90% of our audience- Ween's a fantastic band. They were in the SpongeBob movie. They are one of-

That's literally the only reference to ween I know. The ween, they're like the Beatles. No, they're not. Listen, listen. Okay, no. I have a theory that there is truly a Beatles song for every person. Like with such a wide discography. And I somehow believe that's so just as true for Ween.

Is Ween the only other brand you feel that way? You know, if I really think about it, probably not. But like some of my favorite bands, I'm like, yeah, they don't have something for everyone. They are not accessible necessarily. Like I just thought of Modest Mouse, I'm like, yeah, they don't have something for everyone. No, they are not accessible necessarily. Like I just thought of Modest Mouse who has a huge discography. I was going to say Modest Mouse has like a couple songs that are like catchy. And I think they vary enough where there's like, you know, there's more popular people. But if you don't like those popular songs, I don't think that's going to necessarily mean you like their less popular songs.

But I feel like with Ween, they transcend genre. And they've had so many albums. I'm not even kidding. I know nothing about Ween except Ocean Man from SpongeBob. Which is a fantastic song. It is. And so I feel like I am out of my element. Yeah, go listen to Ween, everybody.

Here we go. I wasn't going to write a review for this book. Feeling lazy, I suppose, or waiting for some kind of review genius to hit me. But then I saw the review that said this book is not as compelling as previous installments. What the what? Leaving aside that everyone has a right to their opinion, and I am completely against people slamming reviewers for reviews of their favorite authors that contain any hint of criticism that said and with all due respect i strongly disagree with that reviewer i really want to say that that reviewer must be high but i'm trying to be nice yeah and failing horribly yes okay at least slightly somewhere i'm like this is the epitome of no offense but and i i never do this but and they're but they're acknowledging that they're

doing that exact yes they're like normally i would never do this but i'm gonna do it but i realize that i always say i'm never gonna do it but i read this first and i was like man they must have had a scathing review that other person and that's why i brought up that context i felt it wasn't that scathing yeah it was more about the content and honestly it was about stuff that i was like i can't say because it wasn't scathing they felt more like they could like counter maybe yeah like that like the criticism was like misplaced because they did reference that that person enjoyed the author like it wasn't someone from the outside right maybe that's why i actually enjoyed like immersed i don't know more like they They're just shocked that this person

who presumably has the same taste as them sees it differently. Yeah, that they missed the mark with the review. But we're not done yet. Okay. Just when Nick Novak,

our dark hero, our ironic PI, is perhaps starting thrust again. Oh, I'm starting thrust. Sorry? It does not say thrust. Oh, I was like, you are. They're missing the word too, I assume.

Is perhaps starting to trust again. And thrust again. And thrust again. At least in one individual. Mr. Thornton rips the GD rug out from under us from the very first page of Murder Book and do not look at the very first page unless you enjoy major spoilers.

He changes the course of Nick's life in a way that hasn't happened since before the series began. It is shocking, it is brutal, it is heartbreaking, it is necessary, and it is brilliant. What? How does Thornton do it? How does he express such emotion with such spare language? I want to rip the pages apart word by word and try and glue them back together just to see if I could do it. Answer. I can't. It's one of a kind. Clearly I am biased. I am not male. I'm not gay. I've never lived in Chicago or any city of that size. I barely remember

the early 80s. I hate mustaches. And the fact that Nick owns a three-piece tan corduroy suit makes me shiver in horror. Luckily, it doesn't make an appearance in this book. But I relate to Nick's pain, his humor, his isolation, his need to solve mysteries, so perhaps he can solve the mysteries in his own life. You are seriously missing out if you skip this series. If you don't get it, I don't get you.

Whoa! Okay, that's kind of a strong statement. Normally, I'm a nice, understanding person. Kinda. I respect other people's opinions. Usually. But seriously, Amazon customers- Is this a lawyer? This is a lawyer. I'm like, every sentence has a fucking footnote down at the bottom being like, this is not legally, you cannot use this against me. Exactly. There should be one. Jesus. But seriously, Amazon customers are world over. You need to read this. And yes, it's because I said so. However, if you'd like to

read a much better review, read Ulysses Dietz. Other books in this series. And then they like list have links at the bottom for every, like the prequel, the first, second, third, to this series. Like every single one so you could buy it. And as I'm

clicking them, they're not all there oh there's some of them right there but yeah the the reviews for this book and the other series were seemed all very positive 4.6 uh 165 reviews uh also 4.6 on goodreads with 474 reviews um and this isn't even like the first one so the first one might have even more reviews and stuff but anyway um yeah so i just thought that was a fun little one that was quite in-depth i am such a sucker every time we read a positive review i'm like i must have that or read that or do that yeah and they're like because i said so i'm like you're right it works i'm in that's why people they want like i've never lived in chicago and i'm not a gay man, and I don't feel one way or another about a mustache. But for some reason, I feel the need.

Although the corduroy, I kind of am into. A three-piece corduroy, it's unique. It's different. So maybe I would hate this book since it doesn't make an appearance. Maybe. Maybe that's what it all boils down to. So just read the first four. Don't read this one.

Okay. I do want to know what happens on the first page. Based on other reviews, I have an idea, but I'm not. It's a major spoiler. Damn it. So I'm not going to spoil it. I want to know. um so here is a review of a doctor who does um colon and rectal surgery oh god okay we are taking some turns uh it's dr stephanie killam oh i would not want to be that was my fake name and that was a very poor choice of fake names you made that up i am so sorry that is horrible i was just thinking as someone who gets a lot of colon procedures, I do not like that the

fake name you came up with says... Dr. Stephanie Dilbert. Don't kill him. Don't kill him. Stephanie, heal him. Dr. Stephanie, that was good. Stephanie, heal him. Here's the one star so there's a one star and then a five star. Here we go.

Here's a one star review. I ended up having four surgeries with Dr. Helium, and she still cannot fix the problem. When I ask her why, she cannot give me a clear answer. All she tells me, I need another surgery. Four surgeries isn't enough for her, I guess. Oh my God. She's like, just give me one more. Just one more time.

One more chance. One opportunity. Oh my Lord. And then more time. One more chance. One opportunity. Oh, my Lord. And then here's a five-star review. And this is in reference to that review also. Cool. She's as good as it gets. I could not have asked for a more skilled, professional, and compassionate surgeon.

I think the other reviewer must be high on pain meds. After all those surgeries. They're high on something i mean i also would not choose any other uh provider for my 17 surgeries that i had and i still don't really know why um my goodness gracious yeah dr killam dr what a choice, Sandy. I'm so sorry. What a subconscious Freudian choice that you made there. Yeah. Whoops. Oof. Okay.

So here is a five-star review of Pinemont Auto Salvage in Houston, Texas. This place has six reviews, four one-star, two five-stars. Okay. So here is one of the- Four one-star, two five-stars. Okay. So here is one of the- Four one-stars, two five-stars. Yes, so here's one of the five-stars. Five-star review. The only place in Houston to get quality used Datsun parts for Z cars.

The other reviewer must have been on drugs because in dealing with Gary for the past two years, he has gone over and beyond to help me with parts for my Z. End of review. Well, you can't argue with that. You can't argue with that. If you are like me and don't know any of those words. You know, you can't argue that the Datsun slash Nissan Z parts, Gary doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yeah, that's true. You know, whatever I just said. He's clearly the expert. Yeah. Yeah. In case you guys missed it which i'm sure you did sandy played a fucking um pronunciation guide before starting i was like datson is what i would say but i'm like i know it's not and datson i'm like also it's americanized anyway

so whatever but i wanted to see what the amer do. I want to be like the Americans. Uh-oh. My Firefox is at infinity tabs now. Oh, mine does that. Because I just opened my next two reviews. I love when that happens. Just kidding. I hate it. But on Google, it says just smiley face.

Does it really? That's hilarious. And then I'm like, don't you smile at me. It's like, hello. And then I hit edit, close all tabs. And I'm like, oh, thank God. Yeah, that's what I do. I just close all whenever it hits infinity.

My next couple, this is a nice pair. Oh, that one also, there were so many one-star reviews that I didn't know who they were talking about. Okay, well, and I was going to say when you said, oh, here's a five-star, I thought they were the one who was going to be on drugs, and then one of the one-stars was going to call them out. No, yes, I forgot to mention that that was meant to be the- I was like, uh-oh. Yeah. My next one is of a movie, not a movie, of a TV series called Manhattan about... Manhattan. The Manhattan Project.

Oh, boy. Interesting. And here's a one out of 10 star review on IMDb of Manhattan titled Oppenheimer is a Stoner. Okay. And then I have a response review to it. Okay. And then I have a response review to it. The only non-fictional character in this is Oppenheimer, who has been smoking way too much marijuana.

He gazes aimlessly off into space, speaks slowly, and opines that it doesn't matter if the bomb works or not as long as the army thinks it does. And it doesn't matter anyway because the caldera they're working in will erupt again in a few million years and reduce everything to ash anyway. Everybody else is engaged in a horrible soap opera of sex, nudity, marital strife, alcoholism, head lice, purple chrysanthemums, and a botanist who uses the word ecosystem, not coined until 1935 and not widely in use until the late 60s, to describe symbiosis. It's awful. End of review. Wow. Okay. I am so intrigued when people find nuggets like that where it's like that word didn't even come into use yet i love fun facts like that um also abenheimer sounds like the only smart one in that situation i'm like everyone has a head lice and alcoholism yeah what is happening he's just staring into space saying nothing matters i mean he actually i find him the

most relatable one of all i'm just gonna be honest anyway so relatable so relatable here is now a response nine out of ten stars for uh for manhattan titled oppenheimer is no stoner okay well it's very direct response yep i just watched the first episode over on infinity on demand and loved it this series looks like it's going to be really good. The Oppenheimer as a stoner reviewer must be high himself to write that besides Oppenheimer, everybody else is engaged in a horrible soap opera of sex, nudity, marital strife, alcoholism, etc. I love that they kept that in. I'm like, that's my favorite line.

They forgot the chrysanthemums. Yeah, they forgot the chrysanthemums and they forgot the ecosystem. And what was the other one that they forgot but i feel like the best one the head lice yes but maybe those three are true true and this one's like hmm i cannot argue with this reviewer knows because they've only watched the first fucking fair point fair point fair point fair point as if that is a bad thing in a drama duh Duh, it is a drama after all. If you want historical fact, read a book, Burnout. What the series premiere does is introduce us to a dynamic cast and quickly develops interesting characters and plot. It is shot well, acted well, and paced fantastically.

Should be a hit for WGN, whatever network that is. I only know Infinity Direct On Demand. But like literally this person criticized this show, the whole show. And this person was like, well, in this episode, I assume, unless it's only one episode has come out so far when they were writing this. Because it came out in 2014. This was written in 2014. So they might just be like, actually, the first one might have only been talking about the first. So they're just like, as it unfolds, yeah maybe forum yes this one imdb this is yeah and

like also i think what their misunderstanding is when they called the person a burnout the reviewer like accusing them of being high based on the i based on that first review i did not get the impression this person understands what marijuana does to somebody like it wasn't like they were like advocating for marijuana use if anything they were like calling oppenheimer a burnout and being like that second reviewer so they're probably on the same page about marijuana yeah but the for some reason the second person took it to be no but i think that unless i'm misunderstanding i okay misunderstanding has gone out the window i don't think either of us can really say what's happening yes but what i think is the first person leveraged the weed

thing as an insult the marijuana is an insult right yes but then the second one was like yeah you know what i'm gonna cut you down with your own insult you burn out like i think they were just saying it back yeah so they're both to insult so he's like oppenheimer's not a burnout you are i guess you know i guess yeah that's my take in my for my take i thought the second person like misunderstood the first person's like views on marijuana not because like i don't think so like i don't think that okay i think they both are just like anti-marijuana and then the second one's like yeah no you're on marijuana and the first one be like i am not i think that's exactly how we go how much i paid attention to all that head lice and stuff so true i'm not a burnout so true

okay i've got uh two more reviews um they're both of the same thing it's a call and response call and response okay guys get ready we're gonna say the first part you respond yeah you all read the second row row that's not a call around okay okay wait this is the only call and response i know blessed be the to god no blessed the to God. No. Blessed be to God. Blessed be God. Blessed be to God. What is it? What are you talking about?

From church. Don't they say like, may God be with you. And also with you, but now we say. And with your spirit. And with your spirit. I'm like, why would you change that? I don't know. Fucking nerds.

Pisses me off. Here we go. So this is of the caramel butter pecan halo top ice cream oh okay um here we go first it's a five-star review i wish i were on drugs this would be way more interesting what i haven't even started it you don't even know what i'm gonna say here's my problem i used to really like halo top and then i was very anti like you know i'm still very anti-diet and um so i've really gone like i've just avoid now i just you know eat i mean it's labeled as a keto thing yeah it's like it's one of those yeah it's marketed as a diet product so i but yesterday i talked about halo top with our manager mayi just out of curiosity she asked like if i eat it and i I was like, no, I don't eat it.

But then all day today, I've been like, man, I kind of miss how much I like loved it. Because I would eat like a whole pint of it. But it was because I said like a quote unquote diet food. But anyway. Have Grater's Perfect Indulgence ice cream. It is the best thing I've ever had in my life. It's vegan dairy. Okay. And it vegan dairy. Okay.

And it's dairy. So it's dairy, but it's not animal based. It's from microflora. That's crazy. It was the fucking weirdest thing ever. Like the cookies and cream one, I could taste, I could tell it was a veganized, you know, like you could kind of tell. I don't know what sweetener they use though.

So it might not be one that you could have. I just, I don't know why. But like their black raspberry chip and their black cherry chip were incredible. I just don't know why I want to be on drugs. But I just am saying I miss the days when I could enjoy a Halo top and be like, so I don't know. I actually like it. Yeah. I just want to be on drugs.

Okay. Anyway, here's a five star review of someone who might be on drugs. Cool. Depending, based on this next review after. So five stars. So good. And no guilt. I haven't eaten ice cream for years.

You can guess why. That's so sad. I know, isn't it? Like, that was me. That was my mindset. It's like so fucked up. Agreed. That's sad.

Where's the drugs? But honey, this is everything. It's creamy, smooth, and sweet. It has just the right drizzle of caramel, but not enough pieces of pecans. But I don't care. It's so good. End of review. That's actually kind of ideal because then you could put pecans in it.

Ew. Why would I do that? Well, if you're that person, you're like, there's not enough pecans or pecans. I would just take them out. Okay. Well, you're such an idiot. Okay. Anyway. And by the way, i eat ice cream now people i don't want anyone thinking like oh so you just don't eat ice cream no i fucking love ice cream yeah

but i want you still to try the i do i want to try it i recommend it i don't know why i just got in that weird headspace like not not as a diet option just as a like it's fucking i want to try it uh here's a one-star review titled, The Other Reviewer Must Be High. I'm on a keto diet and decided to give this a try. And wow, is it bad. The flavor would be fine if the ice cream didn't taste like straight powder,

even after sitting out for 10 minutes. This is not good and definitely not creamy. End of review. I mean, no comment. I used to enjoy it and then i stopped eating it that's the end of my um talking about it but i wouldn't say oh you must be on drugs i would say you must be influenced by some terrible societal structures but hey we are all on drugs in that case and that's the deepest thing i've ever said so write that down please someone write don't make me write it someone write it down for us

i don't want to do it okay um thanks for listening to our deep deep episode i literally ended with me saying we're all on drugs and thinking that was a novel idea so i think things went really well today uh you know what they say diet Diet culture is the opiate of the masses. Alex Zinner, that's genius. Somebody write that down. Someone write that down. Thank you all for listening. Go buy tickets to our live shows.

Oh, yeah. We are so excited to go to Pittsburgh and Nashville. We are. Even though I just sounded like I forgot. I didn't forget. I just forgot to tell you to go buy tickets. Well, because we were purposefully not saying it in certain episodes because it wasn't announced yet yeah and by this point it should have been announced it should be like

a week ago yeah i don't know maybe two weeks no week before this anyway go buy tickets we can't wait to see you there yeah and then uh follow us on social media because we're about to film us doing something and we'll post a picture of Zandy's hospitalization oh yeah can't wait bye Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer

it's edited by Marco Padilla cover art by Courtney Aventura theme music by Mavis White executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.