Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 257: Reviews of Horror Movies

Episode Date: November 1, 2023

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do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if i could hello everyone welcome to beachy sandy waters 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Xteen. My name is Zandy. I tried to elongate my syllables.

She started before I was even sitting down. I'm sorry, I was trying to make the most of this beautiful day. How are you doing? Doing well. I'm so pumped for this episode. I actually, I feel like lately I've been saying, oh, so hard to research. How are you doing? Doing well. I'm so pumped for this episode. I actually, I feel like lately I've been saying, oh, so hard to research. I've been such a bummer. You have been. I mean, you're always a bummer, but this lately I've been calling you out on it. So I think that might be the difference. Yeah. Well, it's time for one I'm excited about. I'm

always excited for them. Sure. Well, the good news is that we have some shows coming up in a week one week as this comes out we are going to be in pittsburgh on the 8th nashville on the 9th we have some exciting news which is that the city winery at both venues reached out and said that they are going to be selling wine bottles with our logo on them that we get to sign yeah and so i'm gonna buy one for myself. Yeah, me too. So we're going to have those there. We're going to have merch at the shows. I know some people have been asking.

So yeah, we're really amped for it. Yeah, there's so much. It's just going to be so much fun. If there are tickets available, you can find those at beachyusani.com slash tour. Or beachyusani.com. All right. So today, why are you so excited? Because it's movies.

It's horror movies. Okay. Which is fun because I'm actually in a short horror film that comes out a few days before this episode comes out. Is that why we did this? No, it actually isn't. I don't think it was our own thing. This episode is sponsored. I'm actually not happy that you're breaking the strike by talking about such Hollywood blockbusters. No, I'm kidding. Yes, my SAG-AFTRA production.

No, I'm very excited for your flick. Is there somewhere we can watch it aside from the premiere or not really? No, maybe not. I don't know. So it depends. There's some very strict rules for festivals. So it's premiering at a festival, or guess when this comes out premiered on the 28th of october um and so it depends if they have plans like i don't know what the producers of the film are planning but if they're planning to put it into more festivals i see it most likely will not be available online okay but if it is and i'll probably post about it well fingers crossed you won a skelly oh yeah their award at Their award at this. Fright film competition. I'm very excited.

I think I'm going, hopefully, if I can. I don't know. Yeah, it's exciting. If I can find the time, you know. You know. Oh, it's busy times. Busy times. Anyway, so, yeah, we're excited.

I'm excited. You're excited. Yeah, feeling good. So, yeah, I'll just. Should I just go ahead? Yeah, why not? My first one. This one is. We got a lot of emails, by the way.

We did. Like a ton. It was really hard to get through all of them. Well, I didn't. We did not get through all of them. Because I stopped and was like, I'm done. So, I had a lot even just left over. And I looked through a lot.

And then I found my own. And so, we didn't get through all of them. But thank you to everyone who sent emails. Seriously, thank you. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously, thank you. It helped me. I mean me i mean it did like i'm very thankful um and if you're wondering how they knew what it was in advance it's because they're on our patreon that's how because people don't know

what the things are unless they're on patreon so here is uh something sent in by jamie he they who sent in a review maybe Maybe it was two reviews. Of Haunting on Fraternity Row. Oh, interesting. The description is, a fraternity house throws their big winter luau party. Oh, sure. But when fraternity brothers and co-eds begin dying horrible deaths, they discover an evil entity has taken over the house. Dun, dun, dun.

So. has taken over the house. Dun, dun, dun. I can only imagine they have one of those roasted pigs on a spit. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. You know how those look horrific? I'm sure they were all about getting that as a prop. What a good call. I mean, listen, I'm not a director. You're not wrong, though.

But I might be. I mean, you might be wrong, but in my mind, you're not wrong. Thank you. I didn't watch the movie. So this review here is a four out of ten this is what i pay netflix 14 bucks a month for it's the best movie set in a frat house recorded on an iphone 5 ever made and that's a high bar i'm sorry but yours is coming out soon so so that's going to be kick it out of first place. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I would not insult. I would insult you, but not the actual production team of yours. Yeah. The camera work was incredible. Yeah. And they had like a fucking like Arri Alexa. Professional beyond anything. That thing is worth more than my organs, the camera they used.

Your organs? Yeah. That's my monetary value is in my organs not anything else i don't think my personality my marketability whatever it's it's all in the organs 12 bucks 13 which you mean it depends on which ones you're including i'm talking like the spleen gives me an extra buck so if you don't want the spleen, then it's 12. Oh, okay. All right. Not bad.

So I got this idea in my head that I was going to look up the movie Gremlins because when I think of scary movies, I think about the time that Blaze's mom went to Blockbuster and thought the cover of Gremlins looked really cute. And Blaze was like, I don't know, eight or nine like i don't know eight or nine i don't know how he was little and he has five younger siblings i don't know how many of them had been born by then but he was the oldest and he was pretty young and she turned it on went to make dinner and she said all of a sudden she just heard like blood curdling screams from all her kids uh and i've learned a lot about the gremlins movie that I had no idea about. Well, is it, so when I think of it

from the first time I watched it as a child. I've never seen it. I saw it, I don't know if I watched the whole thing, but I remember seeing it and I remember being freaked out. I don't know, I don't remember. Because I feel like. I just remember watching it.

It's scary apparently. But yeah, but I don't think it's like a horror movie like in the traditional sense, but like for kids. Is it but i don't think it's like a horror movie like in the traditional sense but like for kids is it i don't know people debated that okay but i'm also a huge baby and i think it depends on who you ask and what age they are to me i watch movies like get out and all that yeah which yeah yeah and like, right? I wouldn't say those aren't horror movies, but they're also not horror movies. What I'm saying is I can't even watch Annabelle or Exorcism. I don't watch that stuff, the horror demon genre.

It's quite the wide range now that we're talking about this. But yeah, I know you avoid certain ones. Well, I'm really scared of scary movies. I will watch a thriller, a psychological thriller. And in my head, that's different from like the classic slasher horror film. This is like, yeah, kind of like a... I would... Sorry, I'm not trying to be picky.

I know nothing about horror. I think when this came out, people were pretty freaked out. I don't know. But apparently it's very... There's a lot of violence, a lot of gremlins dying ones okay good well you know what why don't i just read uh this review by uh a teen on common sense media please because it gives you all the info you need to know this is a three-star review this reviewer believes that this movie is for ages 11 and up and they wrote this three months ago so pretty recent

the title of the review is first of all keep him out of the light he hates bright light especially sunlight it'll kill him second don't give him any water not even to drink but the most important rule the one you can never forget no matter how much he cries no matter how much he begs never feed him after midnight that's like one of the most famous lines from the movie i almost brought another review where a little kid was writing and like tried to paraphrase that but like did a terrible job and was like he can't eat after midnight because he is a scary monster if he eats a snack and it's late and it's dark out and i was like that's not quite how it goes but you know it was pretty you haven't even seen the movie i haven't seen the movie you're like well this kid does no shit that kid is about the dialogue listen let me tell you something i read this review and i feel like

i've already seen the film because it's very in-depth gremlins is a 1984 christmas comedy horror film directed by joe dante and starring zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, and Hoyt Axton. Language gets a three out of five. The film has six uses of hell, four uses of goddamn, two uses of Jesus, foreigners, and damn. For what? Foreigners. Oh, it has... I thought you were counting things.

Two uses of foreigners. Two uses... No, wait. Two uses of foreigners. Two uses. No, wait. I'm so confused. There's no way this person just counted the number of foreigners in this film? They mean the word, like, which still doesn't make sense, but they mean, like, the word. Oh, as, like, a, they used. Four, here, four uses of goddamn, two uses of, I mean.

Okay, holy shit. J star. S star. S star. Yeah. You should have. You buried the lead here. Well, I was going to. But you got confused by foreigners.

I definitely cut in there because I was like, foreign? What's wrong with there being foreigners in the film? I see. So they use foreigner in a derogatory way within the film. It seems like that's what it means. Now, when I first. I now when i first look at this when i first read this one use of s star star t i was like slut and then i was like oh wait they mean shit um i think i don't know again i haven't seen the movie um but they put stars in the middle of all the words i'm trying. So I'm trying to guess what they say. Okay.

Except foreigners. They just wrote that one out, I guess. Two uses of Jesus, foreigners, and damn. And one use of shit, asshole, and Christ. The film has 19 total curses. Sex, romance, and nudity gets a one out of five. A gremlin jokingly flashes someone. But gremlins don't have any visible nudity. A man is shown shirtless very briefly.

Drinking drugs and smoking gets a three out of five. The gremlins frequently smoke and drink. A man gets very drunk. One man is a regular chain smoker. Violence gets a three out of five. A couple humans are killed by the gremlins and numerous gremlins are killed. Each time a gremlin dies, green blood explodes. said no i didn't yes you did and i thought i like was just questioning 30 seconds wait don't go back there i think i said that about like get out being like a horror but not a horror

like it's psychological thrillers said gremlins wasn't really anyway it's fine blaze is just mad at you now so no i'm sorry i like was i was questioning it as after i said it and now i'm like i'm an idiot well now there's more. Don't worry. You're gonna be proven even more wrong. Each time a gremlin dies, green blood explodes. Two gremlins die violently, with one being stabbed briefly, and one being put into a blender, and the blender having

green blood go everywhere. Jesus. A gremlin bites a man's hand. Oh, sorry. J asterisk S asterisk S Now there's 20 swears. Oh, no. A gremlin bites a man's hand. A gremlin scratches a woman's face and a man's face.

A young girl tells an intense story about how she found out. Oh, wait. I meant to give a warning here. If you have little kids who don't know the ooze-nay about antisise, that's Pig Latin, then skip the next few seconds. Okay. A girl tells an intense story about how she found out that Santa isn't real. She states that her father was dressed in a Santa outfit and got stuck inside a chimney, broke his neck, and died. I'm sorry, what?

What is this movie okay apparently there's an incredibly long monologue where this girl describes in like graphic detail I was not ready for this movie when I saw her dad went to surprise her dressed up as Santa went down the chimney broke his neck got stuck and got burned in the fireplace in the chimney what they started a fire where's dad let's start a fire they thought he was missing for days and then they ended up finding him in the chimney what they started a fire where's dad let's start a fire they thought he was missing for days and then they ended up finding him in the chimney this is the story in the movie and the way you presented there was like this is fact i'm like yeah i'm not saying that they didn't say this is like this is wild that is the uh monologue and she's like that's how i know santa

isn't real and um apparently this has fucked a lot of people up a gremlin gets into the sunlight and melts down to his skeleton. Suicide is referenced. Most of the film's violence is comical. Okay, that's a bold thing to put after all that. Interesting. Sure. Positive messages, two out of five.

The main message encourages against controlling nature and meddling with the uncontrollable. Positive role models and representations, one out of five. Resourcefulness is shown, though there are some mixed role models. One bad guy is shown to be openly xenophobic. Watching experience, nothing of note with my experience regarding mature content. Quality, parentheses, opinionated, parentheses, my rating, parentheses, rated PG-13 for creature violence, some language, drinking and smoking. End of review. Wow. So, I mean, parentheses, rated PG-13 for creature violence, some language, drinking and smoking. End of review. Wow.

So, I mean, listen. I learned a lot about this film. I just did, too. As a kid, I would have been effed up by this, I think. Oh, yeah. I think maybe that's why I just pretended it was a happy movie. That's what I'm thinking. No.

I swear, maybe I'm mixing it up with another movie. I think I know what happened. But I don't want to know mixing it up with another movie. I think I know what happened. But I don't want to know what you're going to say. I know it's a joke. It's not a joke. It's real. Okay. What's your real thing?

I think dad bought it on the streets of Shanghai with the other CD-ROMs he bought us. And he bought the DVD version that was a knockoff. And it was called... And by the way, that's just a true story. No, that's a true thing. Yeah, it happened a lot because he traveled to china a lot for work and he was so thrilled when he discovered he could buy bootleg dvds bootleg dvds and it would be like titanic not on like the normal two vhs or two it was like

four at least it was oh well then and then when he put the titanic in to watch it he was just telling this story uh in florida when he came to my show in the it, he was just telling this story in Florida when he came to my show in the green room. He's regaling us with all his tales. He said he put the discs in to watch Titanic and it was somebody in the audience holding a camcorder but then the subtitles were in Russian.

So he's like, I couldn't even... There was no... The dubbing was in... I thought it was in i never watched it he he said uh yeah that one was a flop but he said uh actually carl uh who we just saw i had a little reunion with at a wedding um carl brought this strange man to dad's hotel room and that's how he bought that's where he would buy the discs yeah Yeah, I believe it. This man would come with a briefcase full of DVDs. Anyway, so that might be where you watch Grumlins.

Maybe. No, I sincerely was like, wasn't this kind of like a kid's movie? Grumlins. Stop saying Grumlins. Okay, I want to make sure you got that I was saying something different. I heard Grumlins the first time.

Oh, okay. But yes, maybe that's what I watched. Yep. I'll leave it at that. you got that i was saying something different i heard grumlins the first time okay but yes maybe that's what i watched yep i'll leave it at that i have another one from jamie of this haunting on fraternity row i kind of want to watch it no i know and that's that's the thing okay you know what i'm gonna read this review because i'm without talking because i'm saying too much uh but this is a positive 6 out of 10. Titled, All Things Considered, Pretty Good. Hi, this is All Things Considered.

I'm Michelle Norris. Today we are talking about Haunting on Fraternity Row. Your basic first-person filming low-budget horror movie. There were a couple of good scares, a few boobs, rock solid abs, drunken college students, and an all-star cast of C-plus actors. The perfect storm for a scary movie so bad it's good. End of review. Now that is a straight to the point. How much, how, what star rating? Oh, total? Oh, that one was a six. Out of 10. Out of 10. And the total is a 3.9 out of 10.

That's a good like... And the positive reviews are all kind of like that. Like, hey, people, respect it for what it is. An iPhone 5. Like, chill. Yeah, no. And I think it might actually be filmed on an iPhone 5. The way it's filmed, it's very like...

I think it's meant to be found footage-y. I could be wrong. The trailer doesn't kind of look found footage, but I think there is some of that. So it's whatever. That's the fun thing. And also, a lot of filmmakers starting out do horror for a reason.

And also, they can make for some interesting stories. Yeah. I mean, listen, I agree. I don't ever watch them. It's fun stuff. Because I'm scared. Well, you're going to. Maybe.

We'll see. I'm scared. Well, you're going to. Maybe. We'll see. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in,

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This is a review of The Human Centipede. Yes. This was sent in by Mari, and you could not pay me any amount of The Human Centipede. Yes. This was sent in by Mari, and you could not pay me any amount of money to watch this film. Same. Never. This kind of horror I have no interest in. Not my thing. I don't watch Saw.

I don't watch anything that's- Saw is different, though. Graphic. I like Saw. But it's so much violence. It is graphic. I have to close my eyes. I don't like gore. I don't like torture. I feel like the story behind Saw, and I know they're on Saw 10 and they've gotten fucking wild.

But every Saw that I've seen, which isn't all of them, but everyone I've seen, I've been like, huh, this was really fun. Oh, my God. I mean. For what it is. Like, the story is actually somewhat interesting. It's kind of a unique premise. Not really after 10, but you know what I mean. It's kind of a unique premise, not really after 10,

but you know what I mean. It's just, it's Saw. I want to like horror movies. I'm just really scared of them, but whatever. Yeah, but like things like Hostel, like, I don't know, it scares me. I don't like torture stuff. I don't like that.

So this is a one and a half star review because this is from Letterboxd where you can do half stars, I think. Yes, you sure can. My next one and a half star review because this is from Letterboxd where you can do half stars, I think. Yes, you sure can. My next one is a half. Mari, this is not about your next one. Okay, this is about my current one. Okay.

This is from Mari and it is a one and a half star review. Oh, by the way, if you don't know what human centipede is about, I'm not going to tell you. And also, don't Google it. No, I'm not kidding. You're going to say, don't Google it. No, I'm not kidding. You're going to say, ha ha, okay. No, don't Google it. Stop. Because I Googled it once, and I have had to live with that knowledge for my whole life.

It's really that bad to you? Yes. It's so stupid to me. It is. Like, to me, it's like, I don't know. Okay. I don't know. Okay.

I feel like it, I don't know why, but it reminds me of the Kroger on Canard, Kennard. I never say it out loud. I say Kennard. The Kroger we grew up going to. Our Kroger. Yeah.

Yeah. What about it? It reminds me of that Kroger because once I was in there and like thinking about that movie and I think I was like Googling about it and like on the Wikipedia page and stuff. I just pictured your little sidekick and you like flipped it out. I don't think it was that long ago. Human centipede. But no, it's just, to me, it's just such a ridiculous premise.

I never saw it, but it's so ridiculous to me that I just find it funny. I can't stand it. I would never watch it. Fine. Google it. If you want to listen to Danny, Google it. And then, you know what? You can blame me.

If it doesn't bother you and you're inside a Kroger and you just go on with your grocery shopping, I'm wrong. But it bothered me. Hey, now all these people will think of me when they think of Human Centipede. And what more could I possibly ask for? Finally. What more could I ask for? Something good to be known for.

The dream. This is a one and a half star review. I'm going to make a movie called The Human Millipede. And it's going to be a story about 1,000 people linking arms and discovering the beauty of friendship. End of review. And when you think of The Human Millipede, I want you to think of me, everyone. Okay? He gets human centipede.

So lame. I want millipede. You should think of her. How lame that is. Hands stretched across the world. Bunch of dorks being happy okay yeah um my next one is of the movie barbarian which came out in 2022 um this was sent in by megan i did watch this movie the doll no you're getting to my challenge um no not the doll okay just checking as far as i know so uh i'll read the description in town for a job interview a young woman arrives at her airbnb late at night only to find that it has been mistakenly double booked and a strange

man is already staying there oh Oh, this is scary already. Against her better judgment, she decides to stay the night anyway, but soon discovers that there is much more to be afraid of in the house than the other house guest. I really enjoyed it. You've seen this? Yeah. I thought it was really good.

Dee and I watched it. I really enjoyed it. Does Dee like horror movies? I think so, yes. I think she and I are enjoyed it. Does Dee like horror movies? I think so, yes. I think she and I are pretty similar. We are not, neither of us would say we wouldn't get scared at a movie. You know, like we're not one of those hardened people who just can watch a horror movie and just go with it. Yeah.

But I think we both enjoy the experience. But I don't think she watches them alone. Just like I don't. I are the same where we say no good for you no no no yeah no I really enjoyed it

I get disturbed watching Stranger Than Fiction okay like I get mentally upset about Jesus about like what the flower brings her a bunch of flowers and it's just a bunch of flour it's like oh no she bakes no definitely not that i i know i'm like what the oh i guess there is some more like psychological stuff going on in that movie i mean yeah okay

anyway barbarian's really good you wouldn't like it christina it looks good i think you'd like it but you wouldn't enjoy watching it that's what i'll say oh common sense media says parents need to know that barbarian has a dark extremely creepy and gory horror movie with satirical elements that's that that sums it up but i love a good satirical element in a horror film. Okay. Shit's good. You would. Three and a half star review. I'd say it's a positive. Here we go. The really fucked up thing is that I would probably still leave that Airbnb a nice review

because I don't want to be rude. End of review. It's so true. That is so true. That's not a positive review. It's so true. I think that's a negative. They're trapped in their own like, because that

adds an element to the horror movie. Like if this were happening to me, I would be I'd be done for. Well, yeah, you'd be done. You wouldn't survive probably to write this review. So you don't have to worry about it. I wouldn't even have the gall to write the negative review that's very good though and i think that's probably the most relatable review we've i know that's why i'm glad megan sent it yeah it's really funny um okay well i have another human centipede review this is from elta and it's a one-star review from google and uh 48 people

found this one helpful so let's see if you agree. It's a one star review by Kenzie. What is this of? Gremlins again? No. What did you say? Human centipede. Oh, human centipede.

Duh. You just wanted me to say it again. So I haven't thought of you. I actually completely blanked for a second on what you had just said. Okay. They should have give the protagonist the skills to defend themselves. Isn't it so stupid to watch when the antagonist seems so freakishly weaker than them? Well, at least I give it a, let's see, three out of eight stars.

There is no option, so please update this. And to those human who want to watch this, you should definitely watch for those details. So unrealistic. In some, not some, but in many ways and details, they should have been moaning instead of wailing, but nice try. By the way, are those characters really that nuts to be outwitted with just some skeletal looking guy? No offense to the actor who played it. He's just doing his job.

They certainly have those brains to function. Don't get me wrong, though. I do like movies like this. Note, save your time, guys. End of review. Huh? I did not think they meant any offense until they said no offense. Right?

Then I thought, yeah, you know what? Maybe you are being rude. But that is how rudeness often works. It's not rude until you point out that you're not being rude. And then it's like, hmm. But yeah, so don't worry. She does like the movie. Well, three out of eight.

Three out of eight. There's no option for this. I don't worry. She does like the movie. Well, three out of eight. Three out of eight. There's no option for this. I don't know. It's like all those people who provide their own reviewing system at the end of their reviews. But this one just says three out of eight, which means nothing. And then demands Google fix it. That's pretty funny. Now, that would be fucking Wild West if they just opened up rating systems to whatever out of whatever that you wanted.

Oh God, help me. No, I would not. My next two, I'm reading them together. These are from, also from Megan. These are of a film I have not seen. And I'm very curious. I think I would like to see it, but I'm afraid to watch it. Which one?

It's called Goodnight Mommy. Fucking hell, Alcindor. It is a German horror film. Don't watch that. You know that's a bad idea. And it's in German, though, which might make it funnier. What's it called? Good Morning Mommy?

Goodnight Mommy? I'm like, Good Morning Mommy. Good Morning Mommy is my kind of movie. That's my kind of movie. Here we go. Oh, the tagline is, a mother should look out for her sons. And then here's the description. I'm never watching this.

In the heat of the summer lays a lonesome- Oh, it's Austrian. Oh, it's a remake of an Austrian film. Oh, but it's a German film that's a remake of an Austrian film? I think so. Yeah, Austrian film of the same name. So I don't know which one's which. Okay.

This is from 2014? Oh, that's the Austrian one. Oh. The 2022 one is an American psychological. Oh, okay. Sorry. Oh, my mistake.

There's not even a German one. I'm sorry. It was German language, but I read someone had said a German film. Xenophobe foreigner. Oh, no. The 25 austrian in me is so upset here we go in the heat of the summer lays a lonesome house in the countryside where nine-year-old twin brothers

await their mother's return when she comes home bandaged after cosmetic surgery nothing is like before and the children start to doubt whether this woman is actually who she says she is. Ew, I'm scared. I just got chills on my neck. Oh, God. The poster with the two twin boys is really freaky looking. Ew, God, oh, God, I'll sit in there. Here's a still, if you look at the...

She's just looking at pictures of twin boys, and she's screeching. I'll sit in there. No, it's... Okay, no. They're just standing there. They're not even doing anything. I'm not kidding you. I think I got really effed up as a kid by watching horror movies.

I think it really effed me up. Maybe, yeah. I read True Crime every single day. It does not phase me. I mean, it phased me, obviously. But it doesn't eff me up. But that's the whole point. I guess the thing is it's not that – the horror movies are meant to – they're designed to get you to feel that way.

Yeah, I know. I think, honestly, if you not you don't have to i'm just saying for me what's helped is just watching more and easing into it hereditary was a mistake because that set me back in full 12 months doing to myself um is effing myself up further psychologically like i'm messed up enough but there are some that like uh i don't what was i always forget the name of it the one with um that we watched together with m but the two of you fucking fell asleep so i had to watch it alone i fell asleep i was like you fell asleep too they both did y'all it was terrible and i was like my first like real horror film i think it was mine well it wasn't

mine you didn't ever watch them growing up? Not really. I had shitty friends. They made me watch them. We played Just Dance. That's all we did. It's not fair. And we saw Gnomeo and Juliet. I'm not even kidding. That's what we fucking did.

And I loved it. We watched Exorcism of Emily Rose. And then one of the girls went outside to the window in the dark at 2 a.m. Yeah. And went right up to where I was sitting and smacked her hand on me. That's so mean. I mean, like, they pulled that shit on me all the time.

And I would get so effing scared. Oh, man. I tried to watch The Exorcist, like, a couple months ago. I couldn't do it. Oh, I watched that outside. That was so fucking scary. At a pool, at a swim club, swim team.

Holy fuck. Swim team overnight at a swim club swim team holy fuck swim team overnight at uh at the at the swim club at the yeah what's it called what's wrong with me i thought you were just being like coy about the name no no i just like right up the street from canard canard kroger i they watched they played it outside they rolled a TV out and plugged it in. And then some of the kids. Jesus. And it was like, we waited till midnight and they turned on The Exorcist. And then we all had to like lay in our sleeping bags and watch it. Alyssa's like, this is my 11th time watching The Exorcist.

She also made me watch The Ring at her house. I remember that. And she claims I was begging to see it. I'm like, I really doubt that. I remember when that happened. And my mom's still mad at her. And Alyssa claims it's all my fault. Whatever.

But she basically said, it's not that scary. I've watched it a ton of times, right? I was, I think, nine. Yeah. We watched this film. And Alyssa's mom used to sleepwalk. Oh, no. And so I fell asleep in Alyssa's bed.

And she was on the ground. And her mom came in and started stroking my hair in her sleep at like 4 in the morning. And I hadn't fallen asleep because i was so effing scared of this movie and the tv was still in alissa's room and so i thought the girl was gonna crawl out of the tv and so then the door creaks open jesus christ i close my eyes alissa's mom starts humming like singing and petting my hair and alyssa goes oh she does that all the time i'm like what the f okay yeah you might be a little messed up i walked home from alyssa's house to to wolf her that night that's a that's a mistake well i was so scared to be there i left i walked home in the middle of the night yeah mom's still

mad at her about that i'm still mad at her about that would I'm still mad at her about that. Why would mom be mad? That's so stupid. Because she said I was a nightmare for the next, like, month. Okay. It was a month. You were both children. Like, what? I mean, it probably was longer than months since that. I mean, you're still a nightmare. Yeah.

Here's that review of Goodnight Mommy that I still haven't read. Now, imagine Alyssa's mom comes and pets my hair after that. Okay. I don't want to imagine it. I have two reviews i'm gonna read okay this is a uh this one's a four star review the greatest episode of the sweet life of zach and cody i've ever seen finally all grown up it's like their halloween special they're nine years old what do you mean all grown up who's's all grown up? It's nine-year-old twin boys. The content.

Oh, the content. Yes. A little more grown up. Yeah. I feel like it's just the Disney Channel original Halloween special that year. I put on Goodnight Mommy. So this is the review that I think that got me messed up. Here we go.

This is the other review. This doesn't have a star. I just noticed it. I don't see a star value for this one. Could it be zero? I'm going to say zero. Yeah. So I think this is a negative one. Yeah, I would say. I'm never having children or going to Germany. End of review. Too late for me, OutCenter. Save yourself. Just kidding. You've been. And then someone in the comments said, this wasn't in Germany, dear American. See? I hadn't read the comments.

See? Oh, it's funny. Dear American, don't worry. You're safe. Just don't cross the border into Austria. But if you do, go to a gas station and buy a little ticket, a little thing. Yes. For your car.

Otherwise, you get in trouble. Yes. Yes. For your car. Otherwise, you get in trouble. Yes. So, Melissa emailed in and said, I heard about an awful horror movie from the 80s called Blood Cult. And so, looked it up.

Here is a review. It's called. Sounds like a classic. Pure Sadness is the review. One star. I can honestly report that this is the worst movie ever. My dad is in it. And that offers no consolation.

In fact, it makes it even worse because I have to watch him make out with that very large unattractive woman. I was only a year old when he made this movie, so I am not to be held responsible. The saddest part of all this is that my dad, a rather well-received writer, made revisions on the script for it to make even as little sense as it does. It was beyond help, he said. Remember, when you watch this movie, James Vance did not want to be in it. He was forced to by an employer. It's a disgusting... Don't look him up yet. Okay.

It's a disgusting... How did you know I was doing that? I saw your stupid little thumbs going. He was forced to by an employer. It's a disgusting piece of garbage with no redeeming qualities, except that the audio is so bad you can hardly understand it anyway. If you are thinking... What iPhone was out back then in the 80s?

I forget. Let's see. If you are thinking about renting or buying this film, please don't. Oh, and just as a side... Don't you think she gets the residual film, please don't. Oh, and just as a side note, it was only banned from Oklahoma campuses because it was filmed at them. The schools were so embarrassed by the final copy that they wouldn't show it. There you have it. If I, the daughter of one of the actors, admits that it's bad, run screaming in the other direction.

Okay, I don't know if that has as much weight as you think it has, daughter. That makes me want to watch it more, to be honest. Saying, oh yeah, I don't know. My dad's in it. Don't watch it. It doesn't make me feel like it. Yeah, no, that makes me want to watch it. So I looked up James Vance, okay, in this film.

Now, the weird thing is, it's his only credit. I mean, I guess it's not weird like it's the 80s that obviously uh not much interesting put out there um so the review or i'm sorry the synopsis on imdb is female students on a college campus are being killed and their body parts used for blood sacrifices now i have a have a photo of James Vance as Joel Hogan. And it's kind of a hilarious picture. Oh, hold on. Sorry.

Can't wait to see it. I just like, I don't really... I don't know. He looks really creepy in it. Let me see. Here he is. So he's this guy oh hello hello um here's another photo oh hello he looks better there like less creepy um this on rotten tomatoes has 11 percent um 11%, which is not very good in case anyone's wondering. Yeah. So I don't know what employer forced him to be in it.

Yeah. It sounds like this. I think maybe he worked at Oklahoma, whatever university. Yeah. That seems so weird. Like, oh, there's actually, there's a trivia thing about it. It says, contrary to popular belief, Blood Cult is actually not the first shot on video, parentheses VHS, horror film. Yeah. Interesting.

So there was like, but there was a whole thing where, okay, never mind. It's not really that interesting. I basically looked it up and there was a whole story online about like, oh, this popularized like straight to straight to film, you know, shot direct to home videos, direct to home video. Interesting. But a featured review says, good God, please write this film. So, I mean, I don't know. It could be fun. It's probably another scenario where

it's like you know what you're getting into just enjoy the ride yeah like that child just yeah that daughter was just what a scathing review of the poor like actress or the person whoever was kissing i know dad like that was so mean. Like, what is this? Well, I mean, I understand it would probably be rough to watch someone make out with your dad on a movie. I guess. But, like, yeah, that was unnecessary. So, anyway, that's another one. I hope people are taking note.

Like, I hope we can create, like, a little movie club, you know. I'm not going to watch them. Yeah, I was going to say. No, hell no. I don't gonna say you know hell no anywhere near this one you guys can watch them um okay my next one and my last one before my challenge is from elta and this is of the movie ghost ship from 2002 uh have you heard of it i feel like i've seen I've seen the poster before. It's like a ship with a skull. Yeah. But it says, in a remote region of the Bering Sea, a boat salvage crew discovers that eerie remains of a grand passenger liner fought loss for more than 40 years. Ooh.

But once on board the eerie cavernous ship, the crew of the Arctic Warrior discovers that the decaying vessel is anything but deserted. It's home to something more deadly and horrific than anything they've encountered in all their years at sea. Ooh. Honestly, right? Sounds good. I would watch that. It's 15% on Rotten Tomatoes, but it sounds pretty fucking fun, you know?

I mean, it sounds like a tough set to build. Yeah. I don't know how they did that without- Right? Sounds kind of cool. A lot of funding. Maybe, I don't know, maybe did that without. Right. Sounds kind of cool. A lot of funding. Maybe. I don't know.

Maybe they had a lot of funding. No. Yeah. I think some of these also. I don't know. Like I was surprised to see that the budget for that one you just read, Blood Cult, was like $27,000. And that was in the 1980s, the early 80s. And their marketing budget was like, or they spent $100,000 on marketing.

And then this little girl has the audacity to try to take it all down. As an infant to say, I didn't do this. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But yeah, this looks like, this one had a budget of $20 million. Wow. And made $68.3 million box office.

Oh, so they don't care about the 15%. Yeah, I know. So they did great. Okay. Here is a one-star review of Ghost Ship. Good to have on in the background if you have trouble sleeping. The movie is absolute trash. A lot of people think it's tolerable because it's from the early 2000s,

but a lot of stuff sucked back then. I would argue most stuff sucked back then. Yeah. Does anyone say like, oh, the early 2000s, what a golden age for anything? Weirdly, some people might. I wouldn't be surprised. Okay. But a lot of stuff sucked back then. I mean, remember 9-11? What? Need I say more? Definitely skip this one. End of review. Remember 9-11? Hey, that happened back then. 9-11, ghost ship. ship yeah it was a rough time we could

play that game all day okay the 9-11 game can we not remember anything from any year like that doesn't mean like that doesn't negate whatever okay whatever so this is from emily she her who wrote my husband and i love horror movies, but the absolute worst one we saw this year was, drumroll please, Skinnamarink. So I figured I would send in some reviews. Now, do you know this movie? I have heard of it, yes. Have you?

Yes. I have not. Skinnamarink, a-dink, a-dink, Skinnamarink. Yeah, I mean, I know that song. No, I believe I have heard of this film. It's gotten interesting. Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing, and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished.

Okay. I did not know that was. I didn't know that either. I did not know that was the plot. So they just like can't get out? Oh, I thought. You thought they were just like open holes i was like excellent someone stole all the windows and doors i don't like glass didn't exist in this oh man the skin of a rink

is at it again stealing doors and windows no skin of rinking i thought it was like um the you know what did they always say when they were trying to help me with my garage um and they would always say like about lumber they would say uh during covid timber there was a uh the shortage yeah what is it called chain the supply chain every time anything went wrong they'd be like it's a supply chain issue and i was like okay you're just saying that now like you're saying that about everything and i feel like that's what happened in this film there's a supply chain issue on lumber and the door does not exist you don't happen in this film was the film crew was like you know it'd be a lot easier to film if we didn't have any light from outside so let's have a make a movie where we don't have any windows and doors so no light comes in and we can just completely set the lighting ourselves. Oh, that sounds genius.

I don't know. That's just a stupid thing. Yeah, that's pretty stupid. I said, yeah. Honestly, what I think happened was the Skinner ink was involved. Probably. This is a half star review. Oh, no. Yikes. 0.5 out of 10 by a pro user on Letterboxd. I skin a marinky dinky didn't enjoy that. Spent the last hour and 39 minutes of this movie wishing I had seen Puss in Boots The Last Wish Instead. End of review. That's not fair. I haven't seen that movie, but I feel like that's like a critically acclaimed film i often

find myself wishing i'd critically acclaimed is a very strong word but i think that had really was received very well i feel like it was as well i never saw it um but i i it wouldn't surprise me to find myself wishing i had seen that it has a 95 on run yeah Like I thought it would. That's not a fair thing to say. Yeah. I mean. You don't see blood cult on VHS and then you're like, man, wish this were the Lion King. It's like, what? It makes no sense.

I mean, I guess. I don't know. Skinnamarink. More like Skinnamastink. Skinnamastink. More like Cinemastink. Whoa. See, now that would have been good. Two good two oh you're out right yeah i'm tapping

out of the horror movies two stars of skinnamarink just giving my unwanted uh yeah analysis oh so you know what that it's unwanted oh yes okay so this will make that very clear in their reviews of our podcast. Two-star review. You really need to be immersed for this movie to work. Like, you got to watch it alone without lights. Without windows and doors. Oh, my God. Find a nice closet. Well, I guess that's a door.

Not even as, like, a challenge, but just because the movie is so slow and the shots are so ambiguous, it's very easy to lose your attention. If you watch it with friends, you guys are just going to be talking the whole time like, oh, what's that? Is that a face? Wait, what room is this? Have we seen this corner before? Oh, is that the dad? Did the Legos move? Etc. My immersion wasn't great for this movie because I was eating a really yummy bowl of chili. Honestly, it was really good chili. I really knocked it out of the park. Like it wasn't crazy or complex or anything. It didn't even have meat.

It was just beans and peppers and fire roast tomatoes. But I think adding a little bit of dark chocolate gave the flavors more depth. Also, I used really good smoked paprika imported from Spain. And I had a little bit of Greek yogurt on top because I'm not going to buy sour cream for one dish. When Greek yogurt is a good substitute plus can be used for breakfast I add it to smoothies but the extra tanginess of the yogurt complemented the chili wonderfully anyway yeah just eating that bowl of chili broke my immersion kinda end of review what's what's the problem what happened I feel like I got sknamorinked Did you Oh my god All the windows are gone

Wait a second Is that how it happens We can't escape We just have to Podcast in here forever Shit We've been Skinnamorinked The whole world has

If that's the punishment Where's dad What I don't know That Said the dad disappeared And then all the windows Were gone

True true true Um Okay so that's one Uh Once Well that was. That was something. That was something. That was so weird. I loved it.

And now Emily sent a review saying, and Zandy, since you loved my overcorrecting Florida man review so much, I present this gem. What really took me out of this movie was the anachronistic Lego parts usage. I mean, the second shot. Can we pause? What? What's anachronistic Lego parts usage. I mean, the second shot- Can we pause? What? What's anachronistic mean?

Anarchy? No. Oh, anachronistic. Yeah, like the time is off. Oh. Do you know what I mean? Like chronologically, it's incorrect. So it's belonging to a period other than that being pork trade,

which happened in the book from Florida Man's Restation Wagons and all that. And this is about Lego? Anachronistic Lego usage? Lego specifically? That's hilarious. I can't wait to hear this Lego nerd go off. I mean, second shot and you're looking at Lego set 60249, with a hyperlink, by the way, which came out in 2020. And this movie is supposed to be set in 1995.

with a hyperlink, by the way, which came out in 2020. And this movie is supposed to be set in 1995. We also see numerous parts that weren't around in the 90s, like the rectangular support girder 6448, modified 1x2 plate with bar handle 60478, 16x4 wedge 45301, and of course, a new orange brick separator. Totally ruined the immersion for me. End of review.

That's amazing. That's amazing. The stupidest way yeah this has managed to take your immersion out but like i weirdly believe it if you're that much of a lego nerd you're at the theater and the person next to you is like that's 60247 that didn't exist i would be like um can you tell me what you're talking about because i feel like i need to know whatever you're mumbling over there that's so funny i know so uh in case anyone's wondering there are people who really really really know their shit i wait i want like so for obviously i think the thing i am most interested

in as a topic is lighthouses but i feel like there's never been a case where i'm like there's like fact checking involved you've read a review that was someone fact checking a lighthouse calendar i think oh wait yeah and then we talked stripes weren't even used well yeah they were talking about how it was a wrong lighthouse but then i did fact check both of them because they were both wrong uh correcting them yeah because i i that's true you know i have done that that's right that's all really good so i only remember the bad feelings in my life you're a lighthouse nerd too um i am but like the movie the lighthouse people ask me if i've seen that and the problem with the lighthouse there's no problem i actually really like that movie didn't you watch that yeah yeah okay i just said i really like it i know but you said like people always ask me if i've watched

that movie yeah that's the one that comes up the most because of the fact it's called the lighthouse it's about lighthouse keepers but the lighthouse itself was made for the film so it's not like i can be like well that one was well you could probably say oh the uh the fixture the gear on the yeah but i don't know that much shit. I know, but you have- Listen, it's early days. The technical shit I'm just not good about. Well, not yet.

Yeah. Not with that attitude. Not with that attitude. So this is the last one I have. This is from Elta, and it's a review of a movie called Martyrs, which I didn't even look up, unfortunately. Let me see. Martyrs movie.

Sounds like one of those weird... It sounds like... Religious bullshit. Which you know I don't like. What was that one movie? Silence or something? What? I don't know.

Melissa and I saw it in theaters. It was a three-hour fucking movie. It was a lot. It was good. It was a really good movie. Jesus. And I I don't, it was a lot. It was good. It was like a really good movie from 2016 but it's about Portuguese missionaries and it's Andrew Garfield and Adam Driver What the fuck?

It's a Martin Scorsese film but the the fucking it's just like a these, it's an epic historical drama. Oh god drama oh god about these um about these uh mission portuguese missionaries it was a lot of film no not at all but that's what this made me think of i'm like oh no oh martyrs okay i was like oh is this gonna be another like epic about um it says why to watch clearly google doesn't know me at all why to watch

cruel graphic and gruesome thank you google um so here's the description the synopsis two young women who are both victims of child abuse embark on a bloody quest for revenge jesus only to find themselves plunged into a living hell of depravity like a sequel to silence distributed by the wein Company. Woohoo! Okay. Here is... Like every movie. I know, one star. Before watching the movie, I came here to see the review as I do for every movie I watch, and the reviews are so positive that I finally watched it, and here goes my review after

watching the movie. Some bullshit. You made the blood boiling and when it is time to make it cool, you tell us it is all about art or fucking psychology or whatever you say. The ending was so unacceptable that I literally scratched my head off and felt, why? Why did I watch this? End of review. They had a bad trip or something.

I scratched my head off. Yikes. Yeah, I think that must be a euphemism that doesn't translate in other languages. Yeah, probably. I scratched my head off. Yeah. I think that must be a euphemism that doesn't translate in other languages. Yeah, probably. I scratched my head off. Yeah. I mean, maybe. Maybe it's not a euphemism.

Presumably, they were so confused that they just scratched their heads so much that it's gone. Wow. Martyr. I'm not adding that one to my list. So apparently, it makes you all worked up in the tension and whatever, and then it's like this is a psychological thriller which like okay i don't know i mean i don't see what's wrong with that really but um whatever it's a french film also oh there you go those french people it's called oh my god someone wrote this is a real polar okay this is actually like a critics commentary a real polarizing movie this gallic like a critics commentary. A real polarizing movie.

This Gallic, like as in like French. Is that how you say that? Gallic. This Gallic torture porn is graphic, brutal, nasty, and gruesome. Okay. That sounds terrible. It doesn't sound like it's for me. Like torture stuff is the, I can't do it. Like I like the psychological thrillers and stuff.

Like fast pace. I don't like torture. It upsets me. I'm glad to hear that. Okay, my challenge, this was kind of from August. I give you full credit, August. Reviews where a reviewer complained an item isn't haunted this time around. How did it go?

Oh my God, this was the best. Really? But I had some help. Phew, because a lot of times I will give you a challenge and you're like, hmm. I know, this is why I was extra excited for this one. Okay, okay. So here we go. This first one was sent in by Olivia and it's a TripAdvisor review of Zach Bagan's The Haunted

Museum. Yes! One star. Oh my God, I didn't even see this coming. Didn't even get to meet Zach. We showed up with our reservations because right now they're only letting people in by appointment. We didn't end up getting to go inside

and we demanded a refund. Also, my friend is an empath, parentheses Scorpio, and did not pick up any energies from the place at all, which makes me believe that like many things in Vegas, this place is all hype and no substance end of review is that not the worst that description of a person you've ever heard yes like just that i think we've read that one before oh we have yeah we might have i'm pretty sure because it was either oh god it's so fucking funny It was either a Halloween one Or the one where you had to find people

Who referenced their zodiac sign Either that or A Halloween It rings the same as it did Last year when we read it If we did Or maybe I just read it while I was Researching

On Pinterest I might My friend said it wasn't even haunted Or maybe I just read it while I was researching it. You just have that pinned on Pinterest? I might. I might. My friend said it wasn't even haunted. We don't even go here. Like, okay. Calm down.

We didn't even get to meet him. Empath, parentheses, Scorpio. I feel like we need merch that says that. Empath, parentheses, Scorpio. The problem is, I guarantee you, it's some of our listeners' Instagram bio, and now they're like, shit. No, I'm just, it's just like, what? Yeah, it's fucking weird to me. I don't know. Does that make a difference?

What? Empath, parenthesis, Scorpio? Well, Scorpios are known to be very, like. In tune with the paranormal? Yeah, or like more witchy, I guess. Got it. Got it. It's just so funny to me that I'm like, this is their qualifications.

I mean, Gio's a fucking Scorpio. Does he look like he's in tune with anything besides his feeding schedule? He's certainly not an empath. He's certainly not. He's certainly not. Okay. My next one was sent in by Megan. This is of Harry Potter, eight inch spell casting wizards, Luna Lovegood, small, plushy

with sound effects, kids toys for ages three up. Cute. It's a little Luna Lovegood plush. Four star review titled, It's Not Haunted. Okay. I bought this for my daughter who is suddenly in love with the movies and is working on her reading skills so she can read the books independently. The doll isn't haunted. It makes sounds.

I didn't know it made sounds when I gifted it. It is very soft and lightweight. I didn't even feel the little sound box inside it. My daughter was being mean and stepped on the doll and it happened to make a sound for the very first time when she did it. She screamed like a banshee and said her doll was making noises now. Well, if she's going to be mean to her toys, I will definitely say that her toy came to life. She's seen Toy Story enough times to know how to be nice to toys. It didn't help that I would move her doll around the room when she wasn't looking.

After a couple of weeks of rethinking the doll was haunted, she finally discovered the sound box. Now she won't quit squeezing the doll. I liked it better when it was haunted. Anyway, I kept forgetting to check the description, but it is listed in the title. I just thought the doll was cute. Sounds are a bonus. End of review. Oh my god! What a rollercoaster. Talk about torture, okay?

Jesus! Like, this is traumatizing. That child's gonna talk about that in therapy one day. I stepped on my doll and it's, can you imagine? It was like, I don't know what a haunted doll would say if you stepped on it. I'll get you. I don't know. I don't know what the Luna Lovegood lines.

I assume it's a line. No, no. I mean like if it were actually haunted. Stop fucking stepping on me? Like, I don't know. I assume it wouldn't say something too cryptic. It would just be like, stop. It hurts or something. Ow.

Yeah. Yeah. My next one I think is also from Megan yes of Annabelle Creation doll no so it's from the movie Annabelle Creation you can buy this

on Amazon for $202 right now which why I don't know worth it it says

it's a replica doll 18 inch scaled prop replica I would hope so yeah just before reading this next review just so you know this is a four star review good movie prop but it's not big enough also it's not haunted enough for what purposes i'm upset about this already i think they're saying it's not as

big as the movie like one in the movie no i think it's just a prop like a replica of it that's not the same size i thought that implied that it was the same size no okay i don't think it i don't think so at all it's an 18 inch scaled prop replica that's big enough i don't care i agree good movie prop but it's not big enough also it's not haunted also the real haunted doll is a raggedy and doll end of review oh that's true actually yeah so it's like but like why would you then why it's a verified purchase for the record this person bought this and was like it's not big enough also it's not real it's like well we i think you should have known that when you first bought a movie replica prop

that scaled to 18 inches yeah if that box got tossed on your porch you open it was a raggedy and all now that would be that would be something. That would be pretty freaky. Maybe that's what they expected. Freaky, freaky. It was like a test. Okay, so this next section is thanks to both Emma and Olivia from before. Because both

of them had sent in haunted doll stores on Etsy. Jeez. Which was eye-opening because these this one store had 80 plus pages of reviews of people buying their haunted dolls quote-unquote haunted dolls most of them positive what a racket that's what i'm saying remember how mad i got you just brought this up it's like a racket like come on come on. I mean. I was so. And my favorite is that they're like fucking like garden gnomes in there.

Like it's this, which, which I actually appreciate more because look, this whole thing, I think it would be less. I think it makes it less of a racket. Not that it still is a racket, but at least they're not being like, oh, only the ugliest, creepiest, like old dolls. They're like, oh yes. If those can have a haunted presence, so can these garden gnomes, which I think makes a lot of sense. They bought out the whole town they're in of dolls. Yeah, they're just buying anything.

I agree. That's why I think it's still a racket. I just like that they're committed so much that they're willing to say these garden gnomes are haunted instead of just being like, oh yeah, only haunted looking dolls are haunted. I can do that too. Here's a pencil. It's haunted. Buy it. I just don't understand.

No, I'm with you. It ticks me off. I don't think this is a good thing, but here we go. So this is kind of similar to, this kind of fits both challenges. Okay. Like the last one where they're like complaining it's haunted right but this one also complaining that they're not haunted and there's a reason for it so and and um emma says that in the email and then says you get to make the rules up anyway

so do as you see fit and i was like hell you get it emma i was like emma finally has seen through all the bullshit and it's like I know how this really works. I'd like to think most people have by this point. Here's a review. This is specifically sent in by Emma of haunted handmade spirit doll Karen. Very active. Child ghost talks, laughs, runs. Okay, here's the doll.

Runs? Oh, dear. Apparently it runs. Hello. Yeah. Hello, doll. She looks like a cabbage patch. Look at those feet. Oh, dear. Apparently it runs. Hello. Yeah. Hello, doll. She looks like a cabbage patch. Look at those feet.

What are those feet? Oh, no. Her feet have fingers. Like, her feet have fingers. Not toes. I don't know what they are. I will say, too, she looks like an off-brand cabbage patch. Cabbage patch.

Absolutely. Right? Which is probably what she is. What's fun is also, like, the person selling these dolls doesn't have to, like, clean them, doesn't have to do anything. Just throw them in a box. Make them dirty, probably. Probably, yeah. Well, no, that's too much effort.

Yeah, I mean, I think they're taking the gnomes out of their neighbor's gardens, to be honest. True. Like, I... Could be. Where are you getting... Where are you sourcing these things? I don't want to know. Here's a one-star review.

This spirit was a liar. It was not the spirit listed. It was a dangerous spirit, not of a child. I had to remove it from my house. Do not order from this shop. End of review. Oh my God. So they're complaining it's not haunted by one spirit,

but they're complaining it's haunted by another spirit. That is trippy. I don't think I would have ever given you that challenge thinking it was impossible. Like I probably would have been like, you'll never, like I would have thought it's impossible. So I never would have given you that. That seems like quite a stretch. And then from the same shop. The spirit is a liar. The spirit is a liar. Well, it's not going to like you much better now.

This next one is of haunted clown porcelain doll vessel David. Also imagine that you're this shop owner and like if the if you really under like realize that this is like i don't know i really do think some people who run these sort of rackets don't even realize how much of it like they really talk themselves into thinking like no i just know all this stuff like you know i think people can talk themselves into it but imagine being this shop owner and, like, if you were fully aware that you're, like, doing this and someone left this one-star review, you'd be like, what the fuck? Like, how do you even address that? No, well, you don't.

And this shop owner has a – at least I read a review complaining that this shop owner had a part in their shop that said, like, I'll always answer questions. My whole goal is to get these haunted dolls into the right homes and, like, have them live a peaceful life or something, like, for these spirits. And then someone was like, they never responded. I bought so many dolls. They don't respond to anything. Yeah. It's like, yeah, because it's a racket. Got it.

Okay. Yeah. It's like, yeah, because it's a racket. Got it. Okay. Anyway, so this haunted clown doll, my favorite part and Emma's favorite part is that it's sitting on a Fortnite pinata llama plush. Yes, it is a llama. So they probably don't even realize.

Oh, the person that bought it put it on there. Oh, okay. I thought it was sold on this. This is from the review. Ancient alpaca. I was like, come on. Oh, okay. I thought it was sold on this. This is from the review. Ancient alpaca. I was like, come on. Yeah. Okay.

So here is a one-star review. Okay. This is the third doll we bought from you, and every single one of their descriptions are completely wrong. Instead of being human spirits with detailed history, they turn out to all be demonic, including this one. Very, very upset, to say the least, because I feel like I was purposefully misled and that you knew what entities are actually in these dolls. Now, from a previous purchase of yours,

my boyfriend has a demonic attachment from a vessel you claimed had a little girl and puppy spirit in there. We got rid of her and now it's attached to him. FYI to anyone reading reading this if you're searching for regular spirits don't buy these ones because three different dolls all turned out to be evil as hell i learned my lesson and will never buy from them again um so yeah okay this is so crazy. I'm sorry. Okay. I think so. Okay. It's almost crazier, I think, to accuse somebody.

I mean, it's far crazier. Of purposefully sending demonic things. Of purposefully mailing out demons than it is to say nothing is in this. You lied and it's just a doll you picked up. Like, I think we can all agree the second one is a fair critique. Like, oh, this isn't even haunted. It feels like if they had started, we're like, wow, they lied. There's nothing spirit.

I'd be nodding my head like they're getting it. They're getting it. But then they turn down a path that I'm like, wait, you think it's demonic? What? Like she's purposefully mailing out demons and saying, this is a puppy. Ha ha ha. And it's a demon. Now your boyfriend is attached to a demon.

What in the world? Also, like, I think this is a you. I mean, I know this is a you problem because what are the odds? Which, finish that. You just happen to, what did the therapist say? Speak on that. Speak on that.

You just happen to buy all these items and they just happen to all be demonic and they happen to all want to attach. And your boyfriend's being such a dick. Yeah, your boyfriend just happens to be suddenly demonic. Acting like a demon. I don't know. I'm like. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah.

I know this is a stretch. I'm just going to. Yeah, no. There might be something else going on. There might be. Well, we've got a few more. That a little outrageous we should cut that i feel like i'm saying some out there wild outlandish things yeah um this next one uh or next two so then thanks to this i was able to use these etsy shops this is my favorite challenge you've ever done no it's someone it was so much fun for me

uh so apparently this shop also offered this. A haunted doll active paranormal spirit surprise mystery box. Oh, okay. With spelled item active ghost personal. Active is all caps. Not for business use. So it comes with like some sort of object that has a spell attached to it. So I don't know here we go as well as a doll or something so here's a two-star review it was a mystery and i did receive a doll i wouldn't say it was picked

for me exactly not at all my style pretty but reverse image search found her for sale at goodwill for seven dollars no stand for her anything odd other than a piece of paper with a generic story one tells camping. The doll is in good condition, no complaints there. Came with a gnome that happens to be what my mother is terrified of, so plus side! Fun to open, not my recorded display, but clean, pretty, and definitely not cursed,

haunted, or spelled. End of review. Okay. If you have a very specific doll decor in mind and you buy a surprise box, I feel like, I'm sorry, you're going to probably end up with something a little off. Yeah. Your personal aesthetic. But it sounds like it was picked specifically for you by the forces that be.

Yeah. The known. I mean, I'm a sucker for a mystery box. Me too, obviously. But expecting it to work out in your favor is never a good idea. Yeah. I did that for shoes before. There was a shoe store in Louisville, I think, that sold mystery boxes. And I bought a mystery box and I got a pair of shoes.

Were they my style? Absolutely not. So I was like, why did I do that? And then I did it again. I know it seems like such a fun gamble. Like you're like, oh, it's like a little. But I wasn't leaving reviews being like, man, that mystery box was a mystery.

I'm in autumn, not a spring. Why did they send me this color? But I like that. Yeah, I agree that the gnome that was maybe faded i mean it was definitely that she's like i never sent a gnome i almost feel like all of her products should be labeled mystery box because it seems like anybody who gets them is like this is not a puppy it's a demon yeah mystery spirit attached like oh god that is a you know i don't know what's okay this is gonna sound off the wall again but i'm talking like the other way now because i

wonder if it's worse that these things are all filled with demons obviously that's bad but isn't it worse that if little kids are trapped in the dolls you know what i mean like how otherwise it means that she's like trapping child spirits in the dolls. You know what I mean? Like, how otherwise it means that she's like trapping child spirits in these dolls. Okay, well, I don't think she's the one

trapping them. Well, someone is. But she's, but that's the thing is she's acting like she's doing a service to these spirits by sending them

to a good home instead of wherever the fuck they were sourced from, which who the fuck, who knows? Her neighbor's house. Yeah.

Which I'm like, with garden gnomes, it's like just put in your yard. It's in a great spot. You don't have to sell it to a stranger to give it a good home. And I'm not, there were other listings for actual gnomes that weren't like spelled things

attached in a mystery box for the record. Like I said that earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They sell gnomes. But they're haunted, allegedly. Every single item in the shop things attached in a mystery box for the record like i said that earlier yeah they sell sell gnomes but they're haunted yes allegedly every single item in the shop is like a spirit i'm just like it might as well be demons otherwise again there's just a bunch of chill i don't want a doll with a little girl inside it and it's like trapped with her puppy i mean i don't want a demon either yeah whatever i'm just mad i can. I have another one of the mystery,

review of the mystery box. Here we go. Two stars. My package arrived early and in excellent condition. Melissa is wonderful. The little bird spirit vessel that came with her is so cute too. Can't wait to bond with both. Edit slash update. Oh no. She appears to not be haunted, but the vessel is absolutely lovely. I shall keep trying to communicate, but I don't think anything will happen. Still a very pretty doll. Rather disappointed. Hope something finally happens soon. End of review. Famous last words. Dun dun dun. I hope something happens soon. Signing off. Signing off. Note that there was never a second update. Dun, dun, dun. So true.

What could it mean? Nothing good. Yeah, nothing good. That's for sure. And then I have one last one. And this isn't of a mystery box. This is of Cindy. Screenplay.

Idea. The next line says it's like another update. It was edited again. But this time it's just a bunch of keys because the doll can't type her fingers are attached to each other or maybe she's using her creepy feet fingers yeah true she's like everything's fine here it actually just says yeah so no one knows that everything's fine here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My next one is of Cindy. Jump scare.

Haunted porcelain doll. Cindy, paranormal, active spirit, moods, ghost orbs. If I had to wear that in the afterlife, I'd haunt somebody too. Yeah, that is quite the dress. I mean, that is like an 80s wedding dress, basically. Yeah, pretty incredible. And here is a two-star review two yeah for cindy the doll came very quickly but unfortunately cindy is not haunted we tried everything we could check to see if anything would happen and nothing did she is cute though end of review i wonder what

like i don't know what what are they waiting for i guess like a spirit box to say i mean when the description literally says oh she walks around moves yeah like they're probably expecting this doll to move also that's like the ultimate gaslighting when uh you're like she's not moving and they're like are you sure she's not maybe she just doesn't like your house maybe you're not giving you know i feel like you could turn that so many ways that, like, you'd never really be found at fault for it as the seller. Yeah, like, the Better Business Bureau isn't going to be, like, to the person, they're going to say, oh, my gosh, we'll get to the bottom of this. We'll get them in trouble. It's like, no, they're going to be like, you bought a supposedly haunted doll.

You bought this. Like, you should have known going in. You really think it's going to around i mean listen because there's so many ways to explain away that it's like the reason it's not moving and like you can say like oh well it doesn't fit with your vibe your vibes are off your house is bad your whatever yeah she's left i don't know she has restless leg syndrome probably she finally found peace at your home. Good job. Now she's not moving. Now she's happy and taking a nap.

I mean, like I am probably in the minority that I think dolls can be haunted. I do. And that's probably an outrageous thing to say, but not if you have listened to this show before. I was going to say. Or any other show of mine. But I just have such a hard time with this because i'm like man you're giving everybody a bad name and it's they sell so many items it's so many and what who is this person and this is just one store oh my gosh but there were 80 plus pages of reviews a majority of them five star

reviews can i admit something to you yeah i one time paid five dollars for like a psychic reading on etsy um where i asked it was like a fertility reading uh-huh and she was like you are going to give birth to a baby boy in 2023 so she was very wrong i was like what month is it okay thank god we're in the clear but i'm like yeah huh why did i pay for that i mean i was in a weird place but that's a pretty specific thing it's like there's no recourse now because i'm like well i paid for it what do you do it's five bucks like whatever i don't know that's out of curiosity i could see myself doing that it was like five bucks yeah so do they like skype you or did they just no it literally it was like write your like your name and a photo of yourself and we'll do like a i kind of want to try that i mean it was fun for a minute

and then it was like oh okay and then it never happened that way yeah so it was just kind of like they had thousands of reviews i'm like think of the money they make on that. Yeah, yeah. And I'm not, like, I don't know. Listen, I'm sure, like, some of them are really giving you a reading, whatever. But mine went off the mark, which, you know, again, my own fault. Well, that's the thing is you can't be mad. And that's why some of these reviews, like, if I bought a haunted doll and it wasn't haunted, I'd be like, well, yeah, I bought a haunted doll on Etsy.

If it was haunted, I'd be like, what the fuck? So the like the like rage that some of these reviewers had had like that I read that were just not a rage is a strong word, but they were so upset that they were gifted a dud or like sent a dud. This is a lemon. It's like, well, i got a haunted lemon bought a haunted doll on etsy what did you think especially the ones who bought it from a mystery box like what did you you buying a a haunted doll mystery box i just find it so and like that's the thing if you do it for fun and if you believe it that's fine like there's i don't like there is harm i think in the way that this person's just just pumping these out and it seems like a racket, like you said.

But just enjoy it for what it is if that's what you want to do. It's like a puppy mill for haunted dolls. Probably a little different. I don't see how. But to leave these reviews, it's just like, what are you thinking? Okay, I feel like you want us to be on your side, but... I'm on no one's side. I'm not really taking sides. I'm just enjoying, but. I'm on no one's side. I'm not really taking sides.

I'm just enjoying the experience. I'm just going to buy it. Wait, wouldn't that be fun though if we bought one of the mystery boxes? Yeah, I think it was sold out. Shit. Okay, well, we can find another one. We should try to do that. We should buy a mystery box doll and do an unboxing for TikTok.

And we're going to fucking die within 12 months or some shit. The video is going to be all glitchy and we're going to be really haunted. And then people, TikTokers 12 months from now are going to be like, the case of the sibling Schieffer who bought a haunted doll. No, they'll probably say it wrong.

They'll probably say Schieffer and then we have to haunt them. Yeah. Sounds like a lot of work. Anyway. Tough. Thanks for listening. That was a great challenge.

That was one of my favorites you've ever done. That was, I had a blast. How fun. So thank you for listening. That was a great challenge. That was one of my favorites you've ever done. That was, I had a blast. How fun. So thank you for listening. We really are into you guys. Jesus. I was trying to think of a way to say we love you, but that made it.

I made it weird. So thanks again. Goodbye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura.

Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.