Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 267: Between You And Us

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

It's interesting to look back how my views have changed since middle school. Cool Cruisers only: https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Support us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people

who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach G Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Xteen. I'm Zandy. Hi. Hi. We are back for the new year. We've already had an episode come out. We know that, but it's our first recording of the new year. Yes.

New year, new us. Yes. So we did what we wanted to do instead of consulting Patreon. Yeah. And hopefully they're not mad, but we gave them a pretty good, nice and long December bonus. We did. Yes, we did.

We read reviews of our Christmas gifts. That was fun. Well, you did. And I read a bunch of random shit that they wanted. So it was fun. Can I say something? Yes, you can. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Finally. I read a bunch of random shit that they wanted. So it was fun. Can I say something? Yes, you can. Okay.

Thank you. Finally. I always have to ask his permission. I, because, okay, this is an important announcement. I'm regretting this. You don't look like you believe me. What's going on? I literally just asked, do we have anything to announce?

And you're like, no. No. Actually, did you see how insistent I was that there was nothing to announce? Yes. Yeah. Tee hee. No, this isn't anything big. I just wanted to give a little shout out because as the ambassador for commonsensemedia.org and as one of the shareholders, which I feel like I'm allowed to say

since I do pay $3 a month for their services. As such, I would like to give a little credit where credit is due to a friend of mine named Rachel or Ray, Eva's girlfriend. Eva is the Anna Toy Drink producer. And Rachel works on or writes for Cocoa Melon Lane, which is the new and updated version of Cocoa Melon. Where it's more for preschool age where they actually, you know, talk and there's like a plot, like little storylines. Leona's deeply obsessed with it.

But it's gotten so much flack because I need you to to sit down for this if you're not sitting down folks okay hold on tight there are two dads two gay dads i know i know and um they're both gay with each other i told you you had to to take a breath before I told you this. This is shocking news. I know. And in one scene. In my cocomelon? Not my cocomelon. But they've always been. Like, it's not like they just, like, egregiously added some, like, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. But it's like, fuck off. As it's a. Get a fucking life. And then he, like, wears a tiara. They're playing dress up or something. And like, God forbid he wears a tutu. Whatever.

I'm just pissed off about it. Cause like Rachel was kind of bummed about it. I looked it up and I was like, common sense media, you motherfuckers. Like, don't let me down. Yeah. Did they? They sure did. Fuckers.

I know. And so I'm just very disappointed. I mean, they're not as bad actually as some of the like moms uh moms of america or whatever the hell they're called um but i just felt like it was getting so much like i mean if you type in coco melon lane it literally says like controversy like it or like gay you know and it's basically they're being accused of like quote unquote trying to turn kids gay what's like i know it's crazy so I act surprised as if I'm not, I don't know, seeing this shit already in other forms. I just wanted to give it a little, you know, I figured what platform do I have?

I guess this one, you know? And so I figured, especially with the Common Sense Media connection, I would give it a shout out. And if you have, you know, preschool age or toddler age kids uh check it out because it's really fun um and leona was the inspiration behind uh one of the one of the gay dads um no there's like a leona lion cute yeah reference so it's really fun so you know check it out it's fun it's cute it's not as like creepy i guess as the original kokomo where they just kind of stare and make like goo goo gaga noises it's actually really fun and they have little songs and you know plots so i just wanted to give it a little goo goo gay gay a little boost alexander's a shareholder of the moms of america i'm glad that that's happening

like that representation because i don't know a lot of people are yeah which is ridiculous that's how you know you're doing something right um anyway anyway today like i said we're doing what we want yeah true so we decided to do a long-awaited between you and us yes so what we my thought process was i love doing this, which is probably so toxic and horrible where people like they'll ask for something over and over and I just like won't do it because I keep asking. And then the second they stop, I'm like, surprise. Yeah, that's true.

I feel like people were like, where are they? Where are they? Where are the monthly episodes? And we're like, none of your business. We didn't say that, but we're like, we're not doing them right now. Maybe someday. Keep sending them in. And then the second that their guard is down, we're like, yeah, surprise. Look what we did. Yeah. So that's but we're like, we're not doing them right now. Maybe someday. Keep sending them in. And then the second that their guard is down, we're like.

Yeah. Surprise. Look what we did. Yeah. So that's what we're here for. If you don't know what this is, this is where we read. Well, we kind of already do this. Read what email, what listeners emailed into us with the subject between you and us.

Right. And we decided to do like a full, we used to do it as bonus episodes, like once a month. Yeah. But now we're going to do one big full episode used to do it as bonus episodes like once a month yeah um but now we're gonna do one big full episode of these uh emails that we received and it's fun because it's all sorts of topics and we don't have a challenge or anything um but it's kind of a free-for-all yeah and like can you give me the password to my wi-fi yes thank you let me share that with you um yeah and see how you all like this episode maybe we'll do it more often maybe if you hate it we'll just keep doing it yeah or that's true yeah tell us you hate it and we'll stop uh you go first

i'll go first uh this one was sent in by meredith she her who sent in a review of fry veronica combat boots on zappos.com fry nice brand oh yeah i've never heard of it um classic so this person gives it five stars across the board okay okay overall comfort style um but they had a bit of an issue oh no so here here they discuss describe their issues so this is still positive i would say it's still positive um but yeah oh whoa whoa whoa i did not read the reviews i was lazy i read them after i got the boot and sure enough fry boot run small i mean really small like I could not even get my apparently massive hoof down into the shaft or whatever they call it. Oh, not that. I don't think they call it that.

I don't think so. Read another review because you need to shape up on your verbiage. I am still giving this five stars because it wasn't Fry's fault. It was my fault for being lazy and not reading. Jesus. I may try to reorder, but honestly, I'm not sure if I should go up a full size or two full sizes. It's like math. I don't want math. I want boots. Yet again, my math issues are not the fault of the Fry Company or Zappos. I have math issues because of my 7th grade teacher. Well, enough about me. Oh, and P.S. I can't say whether the shoe felt true to width or had moderate arch support because

as i said i didn't read the reviews and ordered my usual size and these run small so my hoof-like appendage never got far enough into the boot to know whether there was width or arch support of a sock full or quarters in the bottom of the boot. What? Let me try rereading that because that might have been my fault. Do you have to? My hoof-like appendage never got far enough into the boot to know whether there was width or arch support of a sock full or... You know what? Maybe they meant was width or arch support of a sock full of quarters in the bottom of the boot.

You know what? I'm just going to move on. Asiner, maybe they meant that, sure. Is it okay if I just move on? Maybe they meant that. Which would have been awesome because I would spend the quarters. I heartily recommend that you read reviews

and notice things like tons of people saying, this boot runs small. They are right in this instance. Sometimes reviews are obviously way off topic, like they are supposed to be reviewing a boot and it's obvious they are actually confused in reviewing an ice cube tray. Those reviews are not very helpful. I doubt this one is either. I just didn't read the reviews or I would have avoided this whole mistake, which is entirely my fault for not reading the reviews. Even the spatula review can't save me now. I throw up my hands, but I worship Zappos and their awesome service and attitude. They let me return the boots, and they don't roll their eyes at me or write back a note, did you read the reviews? In an accusatory tone. I deserve a

rebuke, but Zappos is holding back because they are refined and civil at all times well i truly hope this helps someone avoid the stupidity i embrace and embody read the reviews these run small i could have said this a lot more briefly but i had a lot of coffee end of review hey 116 people found it helpful in the end make it 117 so 117 117 people found it helpful. Wow. Wow. Where to begin? Well, two main things.

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, I agree. I mean, you don't deserve a rebuke because you didn't read the review and you bought your normal shoe size. Yeah. That's not on you. No, I agree. I think so. That's partially why I'm so impressed by this reviewer that they took that and they're just a little a little a little too hard on themselves

like you know they're like zappos deserved to like punch me in the teeth and i'm like not really though you're like not really though yeah well you're the first one to say that well that's i read between the lines um i i i got lost then i got found then i got lost i i i think they felt the same you know i think i'm still lost from that one i also like they're like oh some people write random reviews about things that aren't anyway my seventh grade math teacher didn't really teach me algebra yes they i think they were very self-aware of what what they were putting out there and how uh yeah yeah because they're so self-critical and true wow that i mean i think reviewers can learn a lot from this i think like you know just take it easy on yourself you know um wow oh wow yeah i as someone who was recently finally while we've discussed this diagnosed

with adhd i feel confident in saying I can diagnose that person as well. Yeah. Wow. With my newfound degree. Good job. That's a really healthy thing to start doing. I know.

But really, truly though, I know that they said they drank a lot of coffee, but I think maybe they should get that looked into. It can't hurt to talk to someone. No, it can't hurt. That's all. That's not even true. It can hurt to talk to someone. Oh, it sure um that's all that's not even true it can't hurt to talk to someone oh it sure can but i'd still recommend it does but try try it give it a try um wow that just took me by surprise for some reason i don't know why but yeah i don't know

why either i i just was like oh that's a silly one to start with but man it just felt really really intense in a weird way. Maybe it just like struck a nerve with me. I don't know. Okay, let's see. This is a review. Oh, this was sent in by Brad. He him who wrote a very kind note.

This was actually sent pretty recently. And he said he's lived in Oregon for a few years. And after he talked about McMenaminaman mcmenaman's in one of the episodes he wanted to send in a review of this place and i don't know if you've heard of it it's called the lighthouse it's called mcmenaman's lighthouse brew pub i have not yeah in lincoln city oregon so uh huh yeah you gotta check that out if we're ever there lincoln city oregon i'm already checking it out sorry i love how know. I love how you're like, if- Why are you explaining? Why do you think I'm being quiet?

Well, you were like, if we're ever there, I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm checking it out right now. Okay. Exciting. I'm excited to hear this. This is a one-star review by Christian. There was this old guy on the patio that randomly screamed, Bee!

And slapped his beer off the table. It was jarring and unsettling. The beer flew across the patio and shattered into a million pieces. He ended up walking away with a dog in his arms. Pretty sure he didn't pay for his beer either. Anyways, the tots were too crispy. End of review. Okay.

This is not the point of the review. Is it possible for tots to be too crispy? No. I disagree with that. Like this reviewer just got on my bad side. Brad said the tots are really good. Okay. And I trust Brad.

I was like, oh, ha ha, wow. Wait a second, reviewer. How dare you say something like that? Now the entire story comes into question. Yeah, that's how I feel right now. Like how can we trust your judgment?'s crazy too crispy huh that is the wildest part of this whole yeah why would you buy tots if you don't want them like can you make these spoilier and soggier and staler please interesting interesting but i suppose i should acknowledge the other part

um what a what a strategy to get away with not paying, you know, just guy. I think that's the weirdly the, the, the most rational reason for doing that. I love that. He carried his dog away.

Like I'll save you. Like presumably in a huff. I hope it was a big chocolate lab or something. I'll save you. Also, it's not really a great way to get away with not paying because if his entire beer flew that means he really didn't get to finish it yeah yeah that's true um um but yeah i i will say sometimes when people overreact to like insects it's a weird pet

peeve of mine like i don't blame them like that's the thing it's not like something that i look down on like i don't think they're wrong to do it but sometimes i'm like like like they're making it worse yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i get that i'm kind of the same yeah but um i don't know that's that seems judgy of me to to to say because insects can be scary and like like i got stung by a bee last summer and i feel like everyone was like so horrified and like i mean i was kind of horrified but i was like oh well like i mean i'd been stung by a bee before so i was like oh well i mean i'm thankfully i'm not i know i'm not allergic and like it was itchy and it hurt for a few minutes and whatever but i feel

like people were like oh my god i just was like oh i'm sad i think i killed that bee what i realized is that like a lot of people have never been stung we did have that conversation yeah because d's never been stung by a bee we had that conversation before i got stung by a bee oh yeah i was gonna say i don't think i've heard this tell d something terrible has happened to me well that's what oh yeah i because i i it blew my mind because i'm like yeah i feel like i've been i've it's now when i think about it's only been like a few times total but like maybe it was because we i mean she grew up in new york right yeah i mean so maybe it's like from running through the grass and stuff like we had a lot of like out we were barefoot i

know but what she didn't live in the city she lived on long island we were like basically boxcar children like we ran around the hills in the back and like played on other people's swing sets but she she i mean that's she didn't do it was her days are mostly made up of like prayer and studying and staying inside you're right sorry the way you're like saying it as if like she's like, like, I don't know. She tells me stories of like experiences with bees, but she's just never been stung. I've watched Hey Arnold. I know what it's like to grow up living in the city where turtles have graffiti all over them. Yeah.

She just sat on a stoop all day or whatever. Is she sad? No. She lived on Long Island. It's a concrete jungle. She lived in like like i know she walked to her friends home i just feel like you and i were outside kind of the type of children who left unsupervised which we often were like just got into predicaments like this

but she also did okay she just herself, like she watched her friend when they were escaping, escaping the law as a teen, watched her friend get stung by a bunch of bees. And she just didn't get stung herself. So like she had these, like she had opportunities

to be stung, I believe. But like, yeah, she's never been stung. She smeared her friend in honey. Every man for himself, she said. And then she squirted honey on her friend. She just had a pocket full of honey. Yeah.

That's just, she carried it around in case of bears or bees. Why do you think she wears that red crop top and no pants? Oh my, poor Dee. Pants. Okay, poor Dee. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize for where this is going.

No, I just. okay poor d i'm sorry uh i'm sorry i apologize for where this is going um no i just yeah but it's funny you say that because i looked up what kind of bees are on long island and like there are ones that like killer bees burrow ew i know it's creepy forget it so yeah um but uh i don't know it's just and so understandably she's more afraid of bees than i am, I think, because she said she doesn't know if she's allergic. She doesn't know what's going to happen because she hasn't experienced it. And I'm like, yeah, that's scary. But also the only times I've been stung by bees was when I disturbed them. Both times by accident, or was it only two times in my life? Once I threw a bouncy ball into the stop sign and there was like a bee like on the other side of the

stop sign it came whipping around and stung me in revenge and the other time i was just walking barefoot and i kicked one and it stung my foot that's more what i meant the dumb shit we did like throw bouncy balls at stop signs and walk barefoot but it was like pure chance like it wasn't well one time i swallowed a bee in a straw. Because it was in my apple juice. Yeah. She was in her apple juice. She was like, I'll show it for doing this. I was like, here you come.

Some protein. Actually, I didn't swallow it. I spit it out and I started freaking the fuck out. Well, yeah, that's disgusting. And it was a bumblebee. Oh. You know, I think it was okay. I'm sure it wasn't.

My mom told me it was, but I'm sure it wasn't my mom told me it was but i'm sure it wasn't yeah anyway your turn okay my next one was sent in by britney she her who uh sent in a review of the creation museum oh god ever heard of it and arc experience um so yeah for those who don't know the creation museum is kind of exactly what it sounds like. It's in Petersburg, Kentucky, Virginia. You almost said Virginia. I thought, give Kentucky its credit. Petersburg, Kentucky.

And it's like a very, it's a Christian kind of anti-science museum from my perspective when I read about it. They literally had a debate where the president of this museum or the founder debated with Bill Nye about evolution.

So yeah, I mean, yes, I think they're very vocally anti-modern science and they have a big arc that they built that you can walk through and I've always wanted to go

just like for shits and gigs but it costs, I think, $27 per. It's more than that. Well, that's what it was 10 years ago. It's insanely expensive. Unless you're, of course, in the military,

which I can't really fake that part. So yeah, it's really expensive. And I'm like, I don't necessarily want to give them all that money. You know, I imagine their military discounts probably aren't even good enough to make that worth it. That's probably true. But it's pretty close to us. So maybe someday we'll just happen upon it.

Yeah. Do you think there's a number where it would be worth it to join the military for someone just to get that discount at the creation museum? I mean, is there a discount? You'd get more discounts at other places too. So, you know,

you, you would, that is, that is true. But I wonder if there's a way that that there's someone out there who's like yeah i can't wait to get this creation museum national guard brochure just came in i could say my friends and i all wanted to join the military in middle school yeah you've said that yeah and that still rings as untrue as it does today i mean that's

what happened 9-11 happened i'm not even kidding like every like that was a thing we all talked about that we were like yeah like there was this weird feeling that we were all like we we're gonna do this and one of us did that's what's crazy and we're really proud of your service thank you for your service no it's just interesting to think back on um how my views have changed since middle school um well i'd hope they would i was gonna say wow i don't know what i'm saying that's powerful anyway it's interesting to look back hold on it's it's interesting to look back these are the show notes for this episode it's interesting to look back how my views have changed since middle school wow oh man thank god this is like

a comedy podcast where what i say is not meant to be taken seriously because no one could possibly take this seriously. Here's a one-star review of the Creation Museum. I am a native of Cincinnati's West Side, and I have been to this, quote, museum. this quote museum while severely stretching the definition of museum this establishment seeks to eliminate science and reason from our children's lives through an agenda that allows no room for discussion of all the places i have told people i've been to this place alone causes reactions of disgust and disbelief human beings who have a sense of respect for life and reality find this place to be an enemy of free thought. There are literally no redeeming qualities here as the owners and staff do not seek to educate through logical means. They base all of their exhibits on pseudoscience, biblical

lore, and superstition. The fact that this place even exists is a sign of our culture slipping into the hands of religious zealots who aim to leave no room for dissension. If I were tied to a chair and forced to choose between watching my loved ones torn apart by hyenas that had chainsaws for faces and venomous cobras for legs, or visit the Creation Museum, I would choose the hyenas and actually be happy about my choice. Also, there is a velociraptor wearing a saddle. You're welcome. End of review. I was like, please tell me they bring up the dinosaurs. I forgot to mention that. The dinosaurs at the Creation Museum live side by,

in the displays, the exhibits, live side by side with humans. And that's the true belief that they put forward they they genuinely believe or purport to believe that uh dinosaurs and humans lived simultaneously coexisted the velociraptor had a saddle you know i was not on their side with the hayden thing until i heard about the saddle and then i was like fuck this i'd kind of want to see no see when they said there are no redeeming parts i'm like i knew like reading it again i was like i know they're gonna mention this velociraptor with a saddle that seems pretty redeeming to me yeah um

and the hyenas yeah this is fucking wow this was uh in not recommended by the way, on Yelp. I can't imagine why. Yeah. But I was actually, there were so many reviews and I was surprised at how many people who were like, I'm Christian and this was crazy to me. Like to go here and see this anti-science stuff, like why can't we have both side by side? Nope. No room for that. So the creation museum is very much a,

I don't know, an extreme form of Christianity, I'd say. Yeah. It's pretty ridiculous. I mean, let's be honest. It's fucking insane is what it is.

It's insane. It's society, but whatever. Like do something better with your money and like help the world. Yeah. It's an interesting place that. I've lost a lot of patience for shit like that. Yeah. I wish I could see it without supporting it.

You try to diss Bill Nye and I am not happy about it. That's the step too far. Velociraptors and saddles, sure, we've all been there. We've all thought it. We've all wished it were true. Yeah. But leave Bill Nye out of it. I was pissed when bill nye said that wasn't real i was like fuck you bill what the fuck do you know have you seen dinosaur ranch or dinosaur dinosaur ranch

one time i said that as a joke and leona was like mama stop and i said okay and she said i said dino ranch it is dino ranch i don't know that's what you told me so dinosaur train is it's hard to keep it all straight it is confusing i do love dinosaur train well leona has given up on all of it for fucking coco melon lane so um rachel write some more episodes please because the libs are at it again. I know. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo, the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West.

Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and MasterCard. Okay, this is from Zoe, they, them, who just sent this and said, I found your show a couple months ago. I always get excited when people like just discovered our show. Is that weird? No, because it's, it's a, I don't know. It's like, oh, that makes me happy.

People are still joining the party yeah um and then they wrote never forget morality never goes out of style which i feel like we need to talk about that more and i had forgotten about so thank you i feel like that's the creation we literally sold a pin for that i know that's a creation museum um slogan morality never goes out of style uh so this is a review that they sent in of tiffany's pet salon um now oh well by the way just fun fact about zoe they have a massive main coon yeah right so they're looking for a groomer and found this pet salon and everything's like seemingly fine and normal and good reviews until gerald had something to say i know so i've tried to just decide how to do this um i'm gonna read his original review first

because this is a multi-part like situation so um this place has 79 reviews it's on facebook by the way uh 4.5 star rating and g Gerald does not recommend Tiffany's Pet Salon. The absolute worst pet salon there is. We took our service pup, Shih Tzu, in for a bath with our personal shampoo and do not believe they even bathe him. I think we know what our shampoo smells like. We told the groomer himself not to cut over a quarter inch off and they cut at least three inches off. We called to talk to the owner of the salon and he told my girlfriend to call 1-800-PISCO. What? Who tells someone that? They'd chop him all up and take months for him to grow back out. So beware, don't use them.

End of review. 1-800-PISCO? Okay. Is that what you said? Pisco? Pisco. Yeah, so just keep that in mind. I suppose.

Kelly recommends Tiffany's Pet Salon. This is a positive. Had to cancel our grooming last minute because our dog got kennel cough. A few days later, y'all reached out just to check on her. So sweet. Glad she's better now so we can get her back in. This is an awesome place. Gerald commented. The worst pet salon ever.

Okay. He did that again on a couple posts. Oh, one of them, by the way, was one of those, like, I never believed i could get my true love back and win a million in bitcoin but then i met like my shaman so and so whatsapp him here and he wrote worst pet salon ever i'm like he's not even reading he's not he's not so then this is the one that i think will give you maybe a little more clarity uh tiffany a different tiffany, there's no collusion here. Spell differently. Recommend Tiffany's Pet Salon. Wink.

Spell differently. Can't be the same one. Well. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's photos of like their dog and how much they like the place. And Gerald wrote, the worst pet salon ever. And Tiffany responded, author of the post. Sorry you feel that way. However, that is your thoughts, opinion, and experiences, not mine.

And then Gerald responded, sorry, that's just the way I feel. The owner told my girlfriend to call 1-800-PYSCO. Who says that? So Pysco was Psycho or Pysco. That makes a lot more sense. P-Y-S-C-O. And I was like, what the fuck is P-Y-S-C-O? Pisco?

Pisco? I was like, what is that weird insult? Yeah. 1-800-Psycho. I think that's one of those happy bunny slogans. Remember that thing? Oh, unfortunately. I'm having flashbacks to it.

I had a journal. I've literally taken a photo with it For Instagram I think for Was it BHTC? Yeah we did something with that We talked about it It was like I may be cute But I'm also a psycho

Or something like Yeah yeah yeah Really It was from Claire's Those were funny Those were weird What a weird little And like happy tree friends

I mean I think that's a lot more aggressive I hated that Than that But I feel that. Than that. But I feel like there was like a sliding scale. There was like, on one end is like Lisa Frank and the other end is Happy Tree Friends. Or like that one definitely. And also the one where you launch kittens into like spikes.

Oh, like Kitten Cannon or something? That was a fun game. That was definitely somewhere on that spectrum. But it was really gory. Like for an animated game about cats. Yeah. It would like get stabbed through. It was really fun game. That was definitely somewhere on that spectrum. But it was really gory, like for an animated game about cats. Yeah. It would like get stabbed through. It was really fucked up.

Yeah, that was fun though. I love kitten canon. Our opinions changed since middle school. Mine did not about games like that. I know. Addictinggames.com. Sometimes I still play slime volleyball. Nice.

Yeah, that's a good one. When I'm on like a phone call and I'm really nervous, I just pull up slime volleyball. It's very. That's a good idea. Yeah, it's a good one. When I'm on like a phone call and I'm really nervous, I just pull up slime volleyball. It's very. That's a good idea. Yeah, it's very soothing. Yeah. I just play Rinscape. Cool.

That doesn't soothe me though. That's a grind. That's just your daily grind. That's my daily grind. My next one was sent in by Samantha. I don't know the location of this i actually don't even know what uh business this is um cool you know now that i think about it i think samantha did say it's a review of a michael's craft store in the email but i don't have the email in front of me you

asked me to like submit a topic for the patreon poll of our next episode yeah i want to say craft stores and then i'm like, obviously we did that already. But my gut every time is like, God, craft stores would be good. And then I'm like, well, we already did that. Yeah. And it was good. Yeah, yeah, it was good. I would like to do it again someday.

But yeah, we probably will. Maybe we'll do more specific, like Michael's Crafts. Yeah, did we just do general? We did. Yeah, or we can, we should do, we did a Hobby Lobby episode, didn't we? No. Oh, the Hobby Lobby Challenge. I thought we did a hobby lobby episode didn't we no oh the hobby lobby challenge i thought we did we read who knows you know what whatever this is i think of michael's or something two stars i used to love it here but their new self-checkout setup has me feeling

violated i'm not even one of those people who cares all that much but they have two cameras on you one right in your face webcam style and a second aimed at the side of your body so it can watch you scan if that wasn't bad enough they have those up on the screen so you can watch them who knows what else it catches when you open your purse or wallet seeing the side of my body while i'm checking out is disturbing and not just because i got junk in the trunk. Okay. End of review. I was like waiting for them to mention that their butt was in the shot.

I love it. I love that they have a butt cam. I recently went- It freaks me out though. It's like, I, it's like, it is like weirdly, the fact that we got used to that, like, that could sound like some sort of like conspiracy theory, but that level of like surveillance is kind of creepy.

That like, I see it kind of creepy that like, I see it now. And I'm like, Oh yes, I have all these cameras watching me do this right now. Okay. See, I'm the opposite.

I love it because I'm like, listen, if someone goes missing, fucking pinpoint where the hell they were, they were at Michael's crafts. I just watch enough of those damn shows where I'm like, fucking track me all you want. If something happens to me,

I want you to know which river I fell in or something. No, that's true. There's definitely some level of safety and security, obviously. But I mean, they're just when you think of them, actually, the purpose of them being like to keep you from stealing like a notebook from them or something. It's just like weird. I don't know. It's just like a cricket. Supplies can be really expensive. That's just like weird. I don't know. It's just like a. Cricket supplies can be really expensive.

That's true, but. And can I be honest? You've stolen some? No. They've been filming us for a long time. Now you just know it because you can see it yourself. But I don't know. I just went to a Michael's recently and the one near me and I was delighted about the self-checkout.

Have you done? I mean, it was just recently they started it. Yeah, I have been to a Michael's since they've had self-checkout. I was so excited because I didn't have to speak to anyone. I always have like to like look through my phone for a coupon and it used to just stress me out. Now I'm like, how's my butt looking? Not great. Cool, cool. a coupon and it used to just stress me out now i'm like how's my butt looking not great cool cool uh i don't need to speak i get it i'm with you like i i feel like i there's so many

negatives to self-checkout and like i know people have criticized it as um one of those technology advances that did hurt workers in some ways. And like, but I'm like, fuck that. I'd pick at any time. I always do. I mean, not fuck that. But like, for me, I'm like, fuck the other lines. Because if there's a self-checkout, I'd rather do that. Any day.

And same with like, I have issues with car infrastructure in the US. But if there's a drive-through i'm there like nine times out of ten i'd do the drive-through you know what i'll say it ai fuck the worker no i love it i love technology i love technology but not as much as much as you actually a little more than i still love technology always Always and forever. Yeah. This has the vibe of a Patreon bonus episode, doesn't it? Yeah, kind of. It feels like not.

I don't really know what's going on. Linear in any way, shape, or form. Usually linear? No, but at least slightly. I do. It does crack me up that they have a sideways camera. That's got to be uncomfortable. No.

That's why I'm like, I'm used to like the Target ones. You know, you see them all and like watch how you're being watched. Can you imagine there's like a surveillance room and they're just like checking out everyone's ass? I mean, okay. I was about to say I'd do that. I wouldn't be checking out their ass. But I'd be like, yeah, I'd like just stare and see how people act at the self-checkout if I had access to that. Right?

Or not. I don't think there's someone manning it at all times. I guess not. I assume it's just if something, I don't know. If they have like, I don't know actually. Maybe AI. Is it literally just to scare you and no one's actually reviewing it? It could be.

Probably. Or maybe it's just to make you feel self-conscious about your your derriere uh okay this is from nicole it's of a shirt on red bubble and um it says it says five stars but it is a negative review so i'm gonna say negative on this one i think they accidentally clicked five this is by michael and the title is first Check My Account Records, dot, dot, dot. Now, I want you to take a little glance and see. Do you see all the ellipses? Yeah, it's all lowercase.

Like a lot of ellipses. I think only ellipses. Yeah. Like as punctuation. Yeah. The only punctuation. Only punctuation. So if I'm pausing, that's why.

First Check My Account Records,using, that's why. First, check my account records. Dot, dot, dot. I get a lot of stuff from you guys, for the most part. The art. The T's are good to better to great. Delivery is super. Wait, what is this of? Red bubble t-shirt.

Oh, yeah. Do we know what's on the t-shirt? This one specifically said something like death. Excuse me? It said something like death excuse me it said something like death okay yeah it just said death on it i think so wait let me look you think so well i don't know it wasn't really about the shirt well it was god okay here it is have to look i was just wondering if you knew it's not called death logo so here yeah so it literally says death I was just wondering if you knew. It's called Death Logo, so here. Yeah, so it literally says death.

Oh, shit, you're right. Okay, you were just fucking with me. I didn't know how else to say that. Well, I didn't think you were fucking with me. I thought you were just like, yeah, it says death or something. I'm like, oh, dear God. It says death. It's something Francisco would wear. I know.

Not in a bad way. It's kind of cool, but I could not pull that off. And I'm pretty sure Nicole said that they were like shopping for Christmas presents. So I don't know if that was for our sister or what.

But anyway, so that's the shirt. First, check my account records. I get a lot of stuff from you guys. For the most part, the art. The T's are good to better to great.

Delivery is super. Sometimes I don't get my discounts. I question. And sometime, no response. When I started buying for you, you were almost the only game in town. Now, you can't swing a dead cat and not get an ad for teas.

Just saying. Get my discounts right and improve response, or me and my cat may go someplace else, and that would break my cat's heart. Because she's dead. No, I'm just kidding. He literally brought up a dead cat and then had the audacity. Isn't that a saying?

Yes, it is. Okay. He said, oh, you can't swing a dead cat. Anyway, me and my cat. And I'm like. Yeah, wait. That's a heartless phrase to use if you have a cat. The t-shirt says death, Christina.

Okay, fair. Don't forget that. Fair point, fair point, fair point. Just saying, get my discounts right and improve response. Or me and my cat. Again, this is all dot, dot, dot. Or me and my cat. Oh, I feel like we can all tell the way you're reading it's so ominous okay or me and my cat may go someplace else and that would break my cat's heart she has got used to sleeping on red bubble teas

so bye for now happy xmas i remain m berard and Kat end of review that's kind of funny I kind of like it I do too that's a five star yeah I guess it was a five star well yeah

cause they were like sorry Margo who edits for us I guess now you have to go back and add positive music you think it should be positive music

I don't know I don't know either I just which is not helpful at all for Margo but I just feel like you know it was it was a warning it was like a warning shot like hey i'm giving you five stars

because i like what you do all right margo i can go elsewhere at the at the warning music just like sirens the whole time oh god um yeah you know it feels like uh yeah just like a shot across across the bow or whatever they say sure swing a dead cat through a dead cat across the bow to be like careful you might be next just like uh kitten cannon why am i like why would you say dead cat and then i'm like remember that fun game where we launched kittens into knives yeah we talked a lot about like weird dead i don't like that we keep bringing it up okay well i'm moving on to a review from it's kind of a review uh from bailey it's something from the aberdeen area kids only stuff uh facebook page where it's like a sale trade.

Oh, for like kids toys and stuff. For, yeah, but apparently kids only stuff. Right. So here is a, this person for $15 in Aberdeen, is this South Dakota, is trying to get rid of their Dyson, in quotations, Dyson pretend kids vacuum for $15. And it's a Dyson branded toy vacuum. And here's what they have to say about it. Also, don't forget, trying to get someone to buy it off of them. Oh, right.

Here we go. Okay. For $15. Beads spin, makes noise. Annoying as fuck. Need it out of my house before I throw it into traffic. Tripping hazard. Makes my dog pee itself when played with. $15.

Preferably when my kid isn't around to scream about his favoritist toy disappearing. Great president, if you want the people you gave it to to hate you. Their kid won't, but they will. Does not actually pick stuff up. Otherwise, I wouldn't be dying a slow death over an existing. End of review. Whoa.

So you play with it, and there are beads inside of it that spin and make so much noise. I mean, I don't have one, but I know of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny. Holy shit.

And I'm like, man, you're not really selling it too well. No. I don't think you understand what you're trying to do. No. And also, the saddest part is that the dog pees himself, and then she has to get out the carpet cleaner every time the dog pees itself. Get the Swiffer out. Yeah.

And this thing doesn't even clean up. No, it doesn't do anything. I bet it's expensive. It is. I'm pretty sure I've seen it, and I've been like, whoa. But you know how they sell the Target shopping carts, like little mini ones for kids? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of adorable, but I'm like, I don't need that in my house. How much is it?

Like $34 at Kohl's. Okay, that's not too bad. Yeah, it's actually less expensive than I thought. I thought it was going to be. I mean, if you think of like. One of those like trendy overpriced. The Dyson Airwrap, the Dyson Vacuum. Like those things are so expensive that I thought maybe they'd upcharge them. They have, yeah, actually $25 on Amazon. Oh, I saw it for 15 bucks.

It's covered in dog pee, but it's. You have to be in Aberdeen, South Dakota. Right. Well, that's just a little hitch. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Elks in her.

They even have a toy version of the like, the like cordless one. That's like the long. Stick vacuum. The stick vacuum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have that vacuum and I got it from, for my wedding. It was like. I remember.

One of those group gifts. And yeah, that thing. I mean, I guess I think the saddest part, A, is the dog, and B, is the kid saying, is the kid loving the toy. I mean, listen, I'm not trying to shame any parent. It's fucking hard and exhausting, and I'm not trying to be like, you can't have your sanity. But man, that's a little sad. Yeah. They'll have a new favor to store it next week.

You're probably right. It'll be the Swiffer wet jet for kids. That probably makes less noise. Actually. Or they can just give them a Swiffer and be like, here's your new toy. And just have them Swiff. You know how they fold in? Like just take the top off of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Make it just small and short and be like, oh, here's your toy Swiffer and be like, here's your new toy. I mean. And just have them Swiff. Take the, you know how they fold in? Like just take the top off of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make it just small and short and be like, oh, here's your toy Swiffer. You can, you can clean up like I do and then have them go around cleaning. Follow the dog around. He's peeing everywhere. True. Oh my God. Jason.

This is like actually a really good idea, Sandy. Thank you. Your turn. Okay. This is a review. Actually, you you know i actually think i've read this oh no this is an lol i pulled up the used folder i think i've read this it's like it sounds so familiar but i'm gonna read it again i've read and then the tag is christine used that's funny so i'm a little bummed and then the tag is christine used that's funny so i'm a little bummed because i was really excited about it but that's okay um let's see okay this is kind of random and i feel like it's fate that i pulled it up because um

someone had like a bot like an ai write an obituary if we've you've probably seen have you seen this it was like a meme that went around. Maybe. I don't know. I don't remember. It's a meme that went around, and I really always thought it was hilarious. And a couple people sent this in. This email is from Elgin.

And I'm just going to read it because I was talking about AI and how much I love it. Okay. And this is a review. No, it's not a review. It's an obituary a fake one brenda tent retired from living at the age of old surrounded also let's put some sad music no no sirens i think a little too alarming sorry margo brenda tent retired from living at the age of old surrounded by family and natural causes.

A librarian from birth, Brenda was an avid collector of dust. She had a sweet heart and married her high school. She loved having hobbies and helping her sons to be disadvantaged youths. She had no horses but thought she did that's that's good and this honestly is probably one of those things where it's like a comedian actually wrote it but i don't know because like some of these things i'm like i could see that being specific i feel like somebody fed it like a million different obituaries and said like come up with one and they like put in a phrase because i feel like you'd say like oh they helped disadvantaged youths in their neighborhood that was like one of their charitable yeah um

she had no horses but thought she did the church gave her a choir because she's the church gave her a choir because she sang like bird and looked like bird and brenda was a bird she owed us so many poems the funeral will be held in 1977 the funeral will be held in 1977 at heaven in lieu of flowers send brenda more life oh no okay life by robot and then there's even like a weird that is a very like ai created generated image and this is definitely like an i this was around a couple years ago so it's like an older one um and yeah so anyway thank you elgin and thank you everyone else who has tagged me in that uh i i've been wanting an excuse to read that for a long time now i'll move it to that's a good one to used

i wouldn't mind you reading that one again one day i mean maybe i will um my next one was sent in by leah and uh it's a two-star review and this is of um okay the page is actually gone so i'm not not 100% sure what the product is, but it's like meant to deter squirrels from bird feeders. And it's like a ball of, as described in the review, like a ball of garlic smelling stuff. Like it's like very strongly scented thing to keep squirrels from your bird feeder. Do birds have noses? I asked this once about every six months and then I never remember the answer. No, I don't think they have a nose.

They have a beak. Don't they have a nose on the beak? I mean, they might have like nostrils type things, but they don't have a nose. You would see it. Like, I think we can all, we can like say that they don't have a nose you would see it like i think we can all we can like say that they don't have a nose for sure well that's it might have that's not semantics do they have nose lobes that's what i'm that's like saying do birds have feet it's like no they have like of course they have feet but like all right they have like they have like talons they

have like talent or whatever they're called or Talons? They have feet. Do they have arms? Sorry, this is better. Do they have arms? It's like, no, they have wings. Sort of. Exactly. But it's not semantics to say they don't have arms because they don't have arms. Yeah, but like what if they have something that they smell with? Isn't that a nose?

No. Why? Because it doesn't look like your nose? I think it's very narrow-minded. It's arrogant of you to suggest that just because someone can smell with something means that they have a nose. There's so many different creatures that smell without noses. That's not true, though. Like, you're gatekeeping the concept of noses from, like, any animal that doesn't have a traditional nose in your viewpoint.

I think we should celebrate what they have and not try to put our human ideals of beauty and nasal beauty onto them. Exactly. And that's exactly why. Why you're wrong. Why you're wrong. Wait, what? You're trying to put our existence of our human nose onto birds.

No, you are. I'm saying they have noses. They smell with them. But they don't have noses. Noses are a human thing, aren't they? No. Dogs have noses. Okay, that a human thing, aren't they? No. Dogs have noses. Okay, that's a different kind of nose.

And it doesn't look like your nose. But a bird has a beak. Let's celebrate their beak that maybe they can smell with. Why can't we do both? Because they don't have noses. Let's Google, do birds have noses? Okay, do they have nostrils? Okay, I don't know. Do birds smell? How about that? But I think it's pretty obvious that's what i was asking by saying do they have noses like i think we can all agree that's what i was trying to figure out well they lack in the olfaction department but they prove that many to do detect ar, so they do smell, but that doesn't mean birds have noses.

Okay, I mean, I understand, but I still think this is a matter of semantics, because obviously, I would imagine most people listening understood that I was asking whether they could smell the garlic. Like, I think that was pretty clear. I was asking that not do they literally have cartilage that is shaped like nose lobes and they can get it pierced at Claire's. That's like, obviously not what I was asking. I guess. Yeah. But like, I guess. But you know, if I had been like, yeah, they have noses because they can smell.

People would be in our thing being like, what the fuck? Birds don't have noses. You know? I was trying to protect us. Okay, here we go again. Wiles is also simultaneously celebrating birds and their beaks and their nostrils. Oh, so they can have nostrils.

Yes, they can. Not olfactory glands. Nose lobes. They have nostrils. again not olfactory glands nostrils um you know what um let's agree to disagree that's something we've never done in our entire lives now that you because we've never actually let an argument go see this is what if this had happened 20 years ago this conversation you have no idea how brutally like aggressive and scary and tear stained this entire conversation would have become i mean like violent i was right here gary right so and he's right okay now you know and then sometimes right all those other times and then sometimes i would say okay you know what

you're right and then he'd go well now you're just telling me i'm right you know and the argument never ended like the argument never ended so you know now we have an audience. I feel like we're better at controlling those angry impulses. Yeah, totally, because we kind of have to. The second we turn that camera off. I'm not dying to you the rest of the day. You're going down. Yeah, he's going to cool shoulder me for like two weeks. Because you think birds have no legs.

And then our manager, Maggie, is going to call me and be like, your brother expressed some issues. And he wanted me to talk to you as a mediator. So if you don't hear an episode after this one, now you know why. Now you know why. It has to do with this. Oh my God, Reddit is going to be all over this. They're going to be like, did you notice that they stopped liking each other's posts or something or other? What if I unfollowed you on Instagram?

Wait, you should do it. No, you shouldn't. I'm not doing that. Because I'm going to forget why and then I'm going to be like, what the hell, Alexander? Well, that happened before because you'd like mute me

if you wanted to tweet something to people. And then like months later, I'd be like, get a follow from you. And I'm like, why the fuck did you unfollow me, weirdo? I don't know, I just try to do it at a random time hoping you wouldn't see it. Yeah, and I'd be like,

obviously that's you. Like, what? Well, I'd probably check because I'm like, is this one you wouldn't see it. Yeah, and I'd be like, obviously that's you. Like, what? Well, I'd probably check because I'm like, is this one pretending to be her? Oh, no, it's actually her. Anyway, anyway, sorry. Now that you're in a great mood, here's the title of the review. Okay. From a squirrel's perspective.

Oh, no. Oh, no. So, Leah knew what you'd hate, probably. So this, I'm going to tell you when the perspective switches, because it does switch. It starts from the perspective of the squirrel. Oh, okay. Here we go. It's a two-star negative review.

Well, as the song goes, at first I was afraid I was petrified. Snackpole! snackpole weren't around before I stepped over this poor attempt to discourage me from this pot of gold. I can't wait for the next product this guy spends his hard-earned money on, to which I will snicker at and get what's mine. Now the owner perspective. I love that the squirrel's just like, that's a silly game we play. And the owner's like, I will kill you, squirrel. Here's the owner's like, I will kill you, squirrel. Here's the owner's perspective. Meh, I think banging on the window or opening the door is a better deterrent than any product, but not sure I want to pull a Bill Murray in Caddyshack and camp out waiting with a stick of dynamite.

Well, if you got this far and haven't gathered already, like a squirrel trying to get a nut, that this product is a big thumbs down and make sure you don't touch the ball without the one glove that's provided because that smell lingers and the glove didn't work as it made the packaging so slippery i couldn't handle it just my two cent review end of review whoa from the perspective of squirrel and then they have a few pictures of sure enough the the squirrel um not even caring that there's this weird little like multiple it looks like baggies of garlic um that are hanging on the snack pole the snack pole let me think like it's like sniffing at the garlic room it's

just like right in it its nose is in it i get it now because it said like i stepped over it and you can literally see how he would just pause be be like, the fuck is this? Yeah. And be like, anyway, moving on. It's like halfway up the snack pole. The snack pole? Is this little baggie. And then there's a second one higher up even. So, um, oh yeah, I see. My mother-in-law, uh, I got her the, one of those bird feeders, those like smart bird

feeders. Yeah. And she had a issue with squirrels and she tried everything. I mean, it's like the same thing. Like she was at war with these squirrels and they would like kind of be deterred for a day or two and you'd think you'd won and then they were like just kidding we're back uh playing our favorite game and the only thing they were able to do which i still don't totally understand the logistics of this they got weights like dumbbells from the basement and somehow like hung this contraption

i'm like i don't totally know how it works i feel like i've tried to understand it so that when the squirrels jump on like they can't stay on it well i've seen though like i think our like dad or elsie like they had one of those a bird feeder where the bottom was like, was like kind of springy. Yeah. And like, if there was too much weight on it, it would like give, give out. And so the birds were light enough where they could sit on it, but the squirrels couldn't, but it didn't stop them.

No, no. They still figured it out. They have those, they have talents. They do have those talents. They have fucking talent onto that bird feeder and. Yeah. They're relentless. Honestly, like I love, love i mean i don't

love it anymore i loved it at first when because i had one i have one of those bird feeders and um it would take a picture like of whatever it was and it it's like ai um you know how i love ai uh ai generated like labeling what it is yeah it would be like breed detection we can tell what yeah the breed detection yeah and uh oh bird buddy that's what's called and um the first time i got a squirrel on the camera i was thrilled because it's like up on a balcony and then i put it up from the balcony yeah even higher and it doesn't have any stand or anything and somehow a squirrel spent like a week trying to get to it like we could see it. And it finally figured out which branch to jump from to land on the railing. It's unbelievable.

And so I was so thrilled when I first got the squirrel. And then very quickly, I was like, okay, I'm fucking over the squirrel. You're like, oh, a new bird appeared. Oh, fucking squirrel again. And it always says, and this is the first photo I ever got. And I'll put it on Instagram because I think um you know we deserve to have a why don't i put some photos from my bird feeder just for fun while we're just making uh look at this i mean like how could i not be delighted when that's and it says on there like bird squirrel you know like it tells you yeah it cracks me up

um but i have so many fucking damn photos and videos. So many squirrels. And at first it was kind of cute because he'd be like. But then I was like, get the fuck away. Like you ate all the bird food and now I need to order more. Yeah. Anyway. Oh my God.

You can send it as a holiday e-card. I'm going to send you an e-card. Please don't. Okay. Is it my turn? Yeah. So next up I have a redemption. Ooh. This is my turn? Yeah. So, next up, I have a redemption. Ooh.

This is from Allison Sheher, and it's of a restaurant called Curry Mango. And this is one of those reviews that, at first glance, I mean, maybe you'll disagree with me, but I think- Probably. I think- I usually do. Us? No. But I think it sounds like a fake review like someone just being goofy right um but then i did some digging and i i think allison did too and like this is a very real person with let me just read the review with the context that i know it sounds kind of fake okay yeah but i think we'll see we'll see five stars redemption it was my hot sexy wife's birthday fake who would ever say that it was my hot sexy wife's birthday so we loaded up the whole

fam damley and headed on down to curry Mango for dinner. We arrived just at 5 when they opened, so getting a table for 7 was not an issue. From the get-go, the whole staff was friendly, courteous, and quick. I had the vegetable curry, as I and my luscious wife are vegan. She had the aloo gobi, and both dishes were extraordinary. I can't remember when I have had such tasty Indian food delivered so promptly. They also have like 6 different types of naan bread. We had the garlic and the chili naan, which had green chilies and cilantro baked into the bread.

Both were hot and delicious, just like my wife. We shall be returning to Cray Mango to taste more of their delicacies. End of review. It's like, it seems kind of jokey. Yeah, I feel like that's tongue in cheek, but I don't see why. Okay, because then I went to their profile and I'm like, oh, to me, that's, yeah, I feel like that's tongue in cheek, but I don't see why.

Okay, because then I went to like their profile and I'm like, oh, there's like photos and stuff. Like this is a man in his way. Yeah, yeah. Just sounds like a goofball. Yeah. Yeah, in a positive way. And there was only one other review where he said like my hot wife. But then the rest of them are just like, oh, my wife and I went here.

Yeah, maybe it's like a got our tires changed yeah like i don't know what about this specific place made him like change into you know my delicious sexy hot luscious wife maybe that's an inside joke that i just don't i'm not privy to aloo gobi is an aphrodisiac oh i hear do you know what aloo gobi is? Is there cauliflower? No, I don't know. It's like giant potato chops. Oh, it's potato? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Classic aphrodisiac. Potatoes. I think cauliflower too. Okay. When I think that for some reason. It's a dish made with with potatoes Cauliflower And Indian spices So it's like a Like a curried potato

And cauliflower dish Which Delicious And so sexy Oh my god You're right I'm so turned on I just looked up the photos

And I'm like Damn That is Luscious So luscious It's also A Weezer song What is?

Alugobi? Okay That's oh that's funny um potatoes and cauliflower okay also like i spent way too much time on this which is the only reason i'm bringing it up otherwise it felt like just such a waste of my time which it probably was so his profile picture was this like little it looks like a green background, it looks like a green background. Like it looks like a sign with a bunch of tech text, yellow text on it. And so I thought, Oh,

let me zoom in. And Google will not let you open like someone's profile picture. And so I was, I was Googling like how to sharpen text. I like, I went in a, an aggressive hyper-focus, spend a lot of time on this ended up finding a thread on quora

where if you open like open the image in a new tab you know you still zoom in it's still blurry and pixelated but in the hyperlink you can change the size of the image so it said like 200 by 200 pixels or 120 by 120 so i changed it to 200 by 200 and suddenly it was clear it worked well it looks like something from like a state park it's literally that's exactly what i thought and you're right and all i can see on here is we advise visitors to wear little noisy bells on their clothing oh so as to give advance warning to bears in order to not surprise them nope um and then down at the bottom i see black bear feces uh and grizzly bear feces oh yeah smeared all over it no i don't i'm impressed you can tell the difference between black bear feces is small and features lots of berries

yum so anyway i felt like i felt like that was a really worthless use of my time. I was trying to get to the bottom of like if this is a fake thing or what, but I think it's just a dad. Yeah, just a goofball. Just a goofball dad. I like it. I like it. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils.

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my next one here sent in by stephanie and it's of uh caramel macchiato coffee creamer from international delight i'm so sorry that's okay i just had another thought i'm looking like i just kind of glanced back and i because i thought wait a minute one of these lines and like i can only see the circle image of the photo uh but it says one of the types of feces has bells in it that's funny so saying that but i'm like yeah wait a minute i think the joke is you told me to wear that yeah that's saying that those are the bears you fucking stay away from because they will fucking eat you that's why he put it as a photo because he's probably goofballed okay i get it yeah this is all adding up okay connected because connected. Because I thought, wait a minute. Oh, so that's a funny joke.

And then he put it as his profile picture because it made him laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay, I do feel like this was still a waste of my time, but slightly less. Yeah, good. Waste of my time. Yeah, no, I don't think it was. Thank you.

So this is a review sent in by Stephanie of Caramel Macchiato Coffee Creamer from International Delight. Delicious. One star review. They say there's a time and a place for everything. The time for International Delight's Caramel Macchiato flavored creamer is never. And its place is in the trash. End of review. Oh, whoa.

That was succinct. Yeah. Well put. Well done, right? Yeah, people. Nice review. trash end of review oh whoa that was succinct yeah well put well done right yeah people like i'm like a coffee creamer like kind of snob like they're just specific ones i like um not even a snob in like you know more expensive way yeah oh i see i just have like really specific ones that i like um and sometimes i'll go on like croak or like instacart and you can click on a thing and it'll be like 1.5 out of five star review five stars and it'll be like 2 000 reviews and i'm like i'm like well i thought it was pretty good but like what the fuck i don't something must be terribly wrong with this can i tell you which one it's the starbucks

caramel macchiato uh creamer got it and if you look at their reviews, they're like all one star. Yeah. But I don't understand. Like, I think it's fine. But again, what do I know? Okay. This is a, anyway, all that to say, people have incredibly intense. Yes.

Opinions about. You can't always trust those fucking reviews. And you know why I think. As we know from this podcast it's morning you're about to drink your coffee you don't like it hey that puts you in a that is true that is like if you're the kind of person who like me who really prefers creamer in their coffee i can see why you'd be like damn it that's why i'm like baristas like i can't i'm so impressed by the fact that they do that work because that's the fucking grumpiest people.

Of all the people. Or the people who aren't happy with their coffee. Well that and like a tow truck company or there's like some very specific industries that I imagine face some of the toughest customers. And apparently one of those is International Delight Coffee Creamer. Oh, I thought you were, I thought this was a segue into your review. It's not because this is a review sent in by Jennifer Sheher.

It's a crossbody purse on Amazon and Jennifer was like, yeah, it was like, oh, cool, great. And then went, oh, so here's a five-star review. It's called Fits All the Important Things, and it's by Alyssa. I never write a review, but I just came here to let the Kindle girlies know that this purse fits my Kindle paperwhite and my little handgun in the biggest pocket with room to spare. End of review. Oh, my God.

And then there's one of these, like, cutesy photos where they're, like, at their driver or, like, at the steering wheel. It's real? Yeah. So this photo is just of the Kindle, but then the other photo. photos where they're like at their driver or like at the steering wheel it's real yeah um so this photo is just the kindle but then the other photo you can't even see it what yeah but the big pocket holds their miniature handgun and their kindle paperwhite and i love it jennifer was like well i was like oh the kindle girlies well it'll fit my Kindle. Oh, God. Yeah, that is not. I did not expect that at all. That is wild.

Who knew? Who knew? Who knew? Fits the only two things I need. Man, those things are so different. Again, the title is literally fits all the important things. I would love to see the Venn diagram of like Kindle owners and gun ownership. Like Kindle ownership and gun ownership and gun owner ownership not that i think kindles are particularly like i don't know

it's just like they're so such different things i think it's maybe that the people in my mind know who have kindles yeah well yeah i don't know you're like well i'm like who who but then i'm like i guess the people we know in general aren't don't yeah exactly so it's not really a good argument that's just well surprising um yeah um okay my next one is of an app this was sent in by mary they she um we sent in a review of the app Number Master colon run and merge. What? And here's the description. Make big numbers to reach the goal. You can move your numbers by swiping.

So you're like a running number. That sounds terrible. You go straight and you're like a number. And you absorb numbers that are smaller than yours when you hit them. Is this like a math thing? I mean. Like is it meant to be like a kid i don't think so so right now it says age 17 plus years old oh okay okay and that's very relevant

to the review because it used to be four plus okay okay okay i'm intrigued. But basically like you're just running on this like platform type of thing. And you run it. If you run into numbers that are bigger than yours, you like lose. Your total goes down. But if you run into numbers that are lower than yours, you add it to you. Gobble them up. Yeah. And you like grow that way.

Actually, I weirdly want to play this now. Yeah. It's wrong. It looks like one of those like kind of, it uses not so much brain power that you can just sit there and just vibe. I feel like for me, I'd be like, shit, is five bigger than smaller? Like for me, it'd be brain power. According to the screenshots, it's also they're a different color.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, so that helps. So it's red if it's bigger so you just don't even learn a thing or two exactly so um here is a uh five star review but i'd say this is a pretty negative here okay and the title is um not four plus thinking emoji. Five stars. Oh God. Please read. The only reason I gave this five stars is so then you can see it. So I loved this game.

But, but I sadly just saw an ad that where a guy and a girl were married and the girl wanted to have a baby. But the guy said, no, I don't want a baby as ugly as you. So one, they are saying that girls are not pretty without makeup. And that makes me mad because I don't wear makeup. I think they're not saying that, but okay. Just one. Christina, let this child, look, this child, presumably a child, maybe not, trust in them, okay? Because maybe they are saying that. I mean, certifiably, I won't, but okay, presumably a child, maybe not, trust in them, okay? No. Because maybe they are saying that.

I mean, certifiably, I won't. But, okay, you can continue. There's a reason why. Look, I read the whole review. They got eczema or something? They give more context. Trust in the child. For once.

Trust in the child. There you go. So, one, they are saying that girls are not pretty Without makeup and that makes me mad Because I don't wear makeup And then he turns around the next day And he had another girl at his house With makeup on of course

And guess what He wanted to have a baby with her So two he was cheating And it sounds like for a long time now, I am mad at that because apparently girls without makeup are not beautiful. And of course it was a makeup game ad rolling eye emoji. But anyways, not four plus I will be deleting this game now and see a never peace sign

emoji. That's a five-year-old. I do not think this is appropriate. That's batshit crazy. Yeah, I... I, as you know, I play a lot of Yahtzee on my phone

and I had to upgrade to the ad-free version because I just couldn't cope with these fucking ads. These ads are wild. They are so out of control. And the whole point is to get you to react

like strongly. I know. And like some of them, like they had a baby that was dying. Jesus. I know. And like some of them, like they had a baby that was dying. Jesus. I know. And they're like freezing. Please tell me you downloaded the app to save the baby.

Did you not? You monster. Oh, shit. You monster. Is it too late, you think? Yep. That was like a couple years ago. Well, tell me the situation.

Tell me what the baby was going through. I'm sorry. I interrupted. Well, anyway, the baby, baby she was like i don't have enough food for us both and like jesus christ i'm dead serious but it's like animated so it's supposed to be like less alarming can you imagine if it wasn't oh that was just uh like the newest uh what's a sad film director i don't fucking know who directed um picnic at hanging rock oh you know jorgen i love that guess i assume that's not even close but like

that's so funny oh peter weir okay yeah anyway um yeah but that's what i genuinely don't know Okay. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, but that's what it is. I genuinely don't know what else to say. I love that the app is so transparent that it's like, see? You know what else? Natural Selection will leave you barren if you don't put on some rouge. Exactly. You know what else? Peter Weir.

I think it's Weir. W-E-I-R. Directed. Truman Show. Are you serious? uh you know what else peter weir um i think it's weird w-e-i-r directed truman show are you serious i'm 100 serious i and dead poet society like something that's why i'm like that sounds familiar yeah holy shit a lot of like famous i know peter like i know the name peter where um i actually yesterday i thought to myself, I should watch Truman Show again. And then I started brainstorming a new screenplay idea. Uh-oh.

Yeah. It's about a guy who thinks he's living a normal life. Also, it stars Jim Carrey. Oh my God. Wait, and then it's, but they're actually cameras at the self-checkout machine that are watching him. Crazy. And his,

his, what the junk in his trunk? His derriere. Yeah. All day, every day. All day, every day.

He's at the self-checkout machine. No, it's just, they're following his ass. The self-checkout machine is following him. Whoa. This, this is a good one.

This is Christina. We got, you just, you just, you got something here. We got this. Call pete i can't wait i have one more review by the way okay i do too um this was a uh an email that came in the other day actually before we even decided to do this and i i was like i need to save this

it's a i call it a bonus for zandy nice thank you and this was sent in by m um different m and i don't think they realized how perfect this was for you when they first sent it and then i opened it and went oh my gosh so it's a reddit thread uh in our tattoo advice by user DM me your right. I, I saw, I saw this. I saw it. When it, when it came in,

no, not the, like I've saw it before the email. No, I know. When I opened this, I was like, I feel like this would be on Alexander's Reddit page.

Somewhere. It was somewhere. Um, it was like cross posted somewhere that I am on because I'm not on that. I can tell you what it was on. No, because I'm not on that one either. I know what you're going to say, I think. But also someone posted in the Patreon Facebook group, I think.

Oh, maybe. As well. So like I'd seen it before that, but I saw that there too. Anyway, yeah, you go. Okay, well, fine. You go. This was really funny. Cover up ideas.

The user DM me your right tit wrote, long short it's a psych trademark tm a psych reference as in the show that i just love but more than that it's 100 a swinger thing basically he has a tattoo of this massive i mean it's on his calf and it takes up like his entire calf a humongous colorful brightly colored pineapple with a banner around it that says i how do they say in the show i i know you know that i'm not it's like the theme song okay i've like didn't really i only watched like the first season i think but uh so it's a psych reference and alexander that was his one of that's one of his favorite shows of all time psych and monk were like my go-to's back in the day monk was the one i feel like monkey community i got on board with you uh

psych i just never burn notice i love i think the other ones that i feel like i always should check out that i never really did are psych and scrubs which i think you also love i did i did enjoy i was late to that one though yeah scrubs and it was good i think i just feel like those are shows that i feel like i i would enjoy yeah um but yeah so he it's it's posted in cover or he wrote like cover-up ideas and it he basically said it's 100 of swinger thing this massive pineapple and it says i know you know uh and but they intended it for psych and now we're like oh shit yeah and so he wrote didn't realize it at the time and my heart goes out to swingers, but sadly, I'm not part of the lifestyle.

Any help? I'm thinking of keeping the pineapple, but the words just need to go, unfortunately. And then the top comment, which I don't know if you saw this. I think I did. Okay. What was it? Get a tattoo next to it that says, this is a reference to the popular television series Psyche, which aired on USA Network from 2016 to 2014, by the way that's a long time oh yeah the pineapple is a reference from

the show and a favorite of mine hence the tattoo i only recently became aware that pineapples usually inverted are a common symbol to denote oneself as a swinger i myself have chosen to be monogamous and therefore this pineapple is not an indication of my participation in the swinger lifestyle rather i'm a fan of the popular usa network series psych which ran from 2006 to 2014 um so that's really the only i think the other like top comment or one of them was just like i guess you're a swinger now it was like you it's easier it was like implying that like you gotta you gotta do it because it's easier than getting a cover up i mean honestly uh wow and someone said that's a double entendre. And I said, indeed.

They should just go on one cruise, see what happens. Oh, I mean, listen. If they don't like it, they don't like it. Keep an open mind. Keep an open mind. See what happens. Tell that wife of yours to- Wear shorts your whole time.

The whole time. The whole time. Oh, and then somebody said change the text to Change the text to Mahoi Minoi From SpongeBob And someone said Wait a minute That's actually really fucking fantastic

Someone said change it to monogamous There's just like A lot of good options I didn't see those Oh oh someone said just put psych underneath it that's actually good too people are so clever you know reddit gets a lot of shit for good reason well it's because they have so many people on there but like you're gonna get all the baddies the only uh good thing i ever learned from the past let's just say

representative of mine or shall not be named okay the one thing he said that like really genuinely stuck with me is when you have a group like and i don't even know if this is true but this is the way he put it he was like when you have a group like a community like a say a facebook group the bigger it gets the more it like trends toward the lower lowest common lower behavior like the lowest you know what i'm saying like the the negative stuff it like trends in that direction yeah and he said like that's what he sees every time the bigger something gets like the more that negative stuff will just start festering yeah or like or like becoming a bigger part like a focal point or i don't know i don't know why that is and i don't know if that's really actually a thing

but like it seems right i mean yeah it's like you read it you're on reddit like of course the more people there are like the more likely you are to run into some bullshit yeah yeah no i feel like there's so many subreddits that i was a part of that i'm no longer part of because of how big they are and not to be like oh yeah they just got too big it's just like they just the content started getting shittier because that's it that's what it's like it's like it uh it's like it can only be as good as like the maybe the average or the core of its members maybe if yeah more people come in with like bullshit it'll just that'll become the average i don't know yeah and like i didn't again i didn't take math um or something or whatever that person we took statistics together we did i was okay at

statistics the i told em yesterday when we recorded and that's why we drink that the only math class that i really was good at like genuinely was good at was geometry oh i know and everyone always says oh that's the one they i aced geometry like in my for some reason and i actually asked people on that story drink i was like can somebody like weigh in on this because that class it clicked and i remember the whole class was like failing like we had to have meetings with our teacher who was like you're averaging like a d okay like you guys suck at this but i was so good at it and like algebra forget it basic long division algebra is my favorite forget it that one was so i wonder if there's a different like approach like a different way your brain works do you know what i mean where like i was i would

like ace geometry like angles all that shit i loved it but then any other sort of numbers directions like i don't have spatial awareness so how am i good at geometry i don't know i don't know maybe it was your one chance to be good at it and it was just like your brain was like oh wait this makes sense like i don't know what i would like to think my brain would have done that for some other subjects I wasn't quite prepared for. But anyway, that's just a rant. But this is a rant about math, you know. That's what we do on the show. You know.

Yeah. Tune in next week for more math talk. We talk about like killing cats and also our level of adequacy in mathematics. Speaking of cats. Oh, no. I have one more review. This is a thing. This little character went, I think, fairly viral.

Or virally feral. Yes, actually. This is from Kelly, and it's an Amazon product that the link is dead. It doesn't exist anymore. But it's a fat orange plush cat stuffed animals toy, lifelike yellow tabby cat kitty toy for boys and girls, children Xmas birthday gift and it's this like oh yeah like you recognize it right it's like looks like a garfield knockoff but the garfield is like not okay yeah it looks like garfield has been living

in looks drunk an alley and is like like look doesn't look particularly like unhappy just like no it looks like someone like tossed him out the window into the trash and he somehow crawled his way out yeah it's like his eyes are like different directions he looks woozy yeah definitely a little out of it um he looks ratty and here is a five-star review of this product. Okay. Here we go. Gorefunkle took my breath away. Today, Gorefunkle arrived.

He bust down my door and demanded a Miller Lite. I was very startled. But my nerves were calmed when the dust settled as I beheld him in all his fat, disheveled glory. Those deep eyes that tell you he's seen some things. The knowing smile that gives you a sense that he knows all your secrets. The expert slouch that he's clearly been mastering for years. Gorefunkle is a masterpiece. End of review. Wait, what was the line before that?

The expert slouch that he's clearly been mastering for years. That's what I mean. Like he's all hunched over and he's like. The expert. Slouch. I'm sorry. I thought you said. Slouching.

I thought you meant the experts. Oh, the expert slouch. Okay. Gotcha. The expert slouch. Yeah. He does look like a wizened. Like he looks like he's the guy on the porch who, if you only took a minute to chat, you'd probably have stories for the rest of your life to go.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he has things to say. Like, somehow so, like, disheveled, as this person said, but, like, approachable. Weirdly calming. There's that weird smile and that weird, like. It doesn't look threatening. Like, doesn't give, like, no cares in the world is what this gives off. Right, he gives zero fucks. Because this goref funkel has seen it all and uh it's this is um and this gore

funkel just wants a bud light or miller light miller light sorry uh this and it's a don't feed your gore funkel a bud light careful i know this was like a jokey review but it is a verified purchase like this person did buy gore funkel i I'm thrilled about that. Is his name Gorefunkle? Okay, that's the user. Yeah, but the user. Okay, okay. But, and it's, there's a little label

in the screenshot that says Amazon's choice for Garfield plush. Even though it's not actually, like it's like, made to look like Garfield. I can feel, what's his name,

like Ed Davey? Who like created the cat? I actually don't know. He's like, damn it. All that work I put in and this is the number one. Jim Davis. I said Ed Davis.

You were pretty close. Pretty close. I feel like all this work he's put in, he's like, and Garfield's not even like the number one toy of the Garfield franchise. It's tragic. I love Gorefunkle. Gorefunkle is kind of an icon. Oh, good stuff.

Anyway. Alrighty. Well, thanks everyone. Sorry that was a lot of bullshit. Well, some of them asked for it. But yeah, no, I'm not sorry at all. I don't think we should apologize for our bullshit. Fantastic.

They can take it or leave it. Take it or leave it. But yeah, thank you all for listening. You can go to patreon.com slash beach to Sandy to listen to our bonus episodes each month.

Yes. And some other things and yeah go to beach to Sandy dot store for our array of offerings. We have some fun cool cruiser merch and things right now up there. And a nice cross body bag for your Kindle and your handgun.

For those Kindle girlies and those handgun girlies. Yeah. I thought I was wearing it, but I wore it yesterday on the In That's Where I Drink recording. But we have t-shirts that say impeccable vibes only um in like a like things you should know or now you know the more you know like the psa like kind of the old 90s retro look so yeah yeah yeah so we got some fun stuff in there check it out and we don't have this this is a fallout boy shirt no one's seeing this right now so don't worry i don't know i don't know your other podcast

posts the full things to YouTube. That's probably why. That's probably why. Not us yet. Not us. Maybe one day. Alrighty, everyone.

Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and

Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mav Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio,

Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.