Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 268: Reviews of Schiefer

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people

who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, welcome to episode 268 of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Xandy. My name is Xteen. Hello. We're virtual once again. I don't know. We just keep flipping back and forth.

True. Was that a lag or were you just bored? It was not a lag. I was just like, I don't know what to say to that. I thought you'd say more. Yes, we are. No, well, usually I do. We're doing a really weird theme today, which it just became very... We're doing reviews of places that have our

last name this is like the narcissist dream but also it like send no it like seems like it would be and then it like sends your ego crumbling when you read about places when your name in german means slate it's not very you know that's the problem not did i tell you it's a big problem okay it's been a problem for me my whole life that my name translates to slate but well it was when i was little and i thought it meant sheep because shape like shepherd and i thought oh that's cool and then i said my mom was like that's no that's not right no um but i have something to tell you did i tell you that i looked up on, I think it was Ancestry or... Oh, dear.

I looked it up. I looked up our name and it said that the traditional meaning is teacher. Oh. One of the meanings is teacher because a slate, a slate board that you write on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Interesting. I know.

I always thought, oh, I come from roofers. Two bottom-scale heights. Now I'm like, maybe it's teachers. Or miners. I don't know how you get slate, but I assume there's some sort of- I don't think that's right. Geological extraction involved. I don't think that's right. What? extraction involved? I don't think that's right.

What? You don't think you mine slate? No. What do you do? How do you get it? You just pick it up off the ground? I think it's just part of cliffs. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, slate industry, slate mines. Okay. The extraction and processing of slate, like at a slate quarry, a Schieffer quarry. The Schieffer quarry. That makes sense when you grew up in the quarry, Christina. That makes sense. Why dad would make us go collect rocks all day for child labor.

So anyway. Where were we? Narcissist dream. So we're doing places with our last name with our last name yeah as part of the name the place so who wants to go first i guess i'll go yeah please um so this first one uh was sent in by juniper they them as well as matt and jen maybe others uh that's who i saw sent it in um and just a warning i guess a lot of these are going to be in german maybe all of mine are in german translated to english and i'm not reading a lot i'm not reading the german i spent a lot of time translating yesterday

i was like we're not doing this theme again oh i just trusted the translate and if anything seemed awkward i like looked it up to see if they're like, yeah, look at the German to see if I could make it better. You can translate online? That is a useful tool we can teach you about later. Yes. Here we go. You mean you can Schieffer me about? I can Schieffer all about.

Okay. So stupid. This is of the Schieffer Suite Hotel and Steakhouse. Suite hotel? Like S-U-I-T-E. Oh, suite. Okay, got it. The type of suite one would find at a hotel, yes.

At an embassy, suites. This is at an embassy, and it has a suite, yeah. This is in Goslar. Oh, man. G-O-S-L-A-R. Several of my reviews are of this place, but I only use the TripAdvisor one. So I'm curious what you found. Well, this is what I found.

Here we go. One star. Fancy junk. We waited forever for drinks. Listless staff. Without our wives, who fell for the colorful light we men would have run straight away again no end of review that's beautiful you think i thought that was a powerful poem that was a poem i think it was probably it was probably even better in the

original german actually i would be afraid if it were set in the original german but um yes he would that is some powerful stuff alexander people had really strong reactions to this place because i have some of this same establishment the schiefer steakhouse uh this one is from trip advisor it's in what is it goslar i don't know how to say it. Lower Saxony. And it matters because it mentions the review. Goslar. I'm going to say it like that.

The title of this review is Singles Not Welcome? Here we go. This is a doozy. I'll say up front, I'm taking this in stride and perhaps even with a somewhat malicious smile, the why will come at the end. By the way, I translated this whole review and it was a lot of work.

You didn't do a good job, you're right. And did a terrible job. You should have read what it originally said. I was like, this makes no fucking sense. Okay. Yeah, that's the problem. That's the thing. It's like, I feel like we struggle when they're written in original English.

But if people are writing poorly in another language, it's even harder. Poorly in German. I'm like, how am I supposed to figure this out? There was one I sent mom and I said, I'm desperate. Help me figure this out. And she goes, it doesn't make any sense. There's no noun. Like, he just forgot the noun.

And I was like, fucking shit. Are you kidding me me i spent like over an hour not over an hour but i spent well over an hour trying to translate all these but i spent like 10 minutes on this one line and then i called mom and she was like that doesn't mean anything anyway yeah so here we go i'm traveling alone again hungry and thirsty i stroll aimlessly through Goslar and come across this restaurant. Steak, pizza, bar, paradise. I see myself spending my evening here, which should end nicely with a decent meal

and the odd caipirinha. Sorry, I always forget how to say that. I even wrote a pronunciation. Say what? What is that? Caipirinha, it's a cocktail. Oh. wrote a pronunciation. Say what? What is that? Kyprenia. It's a cocktail.

Oh. So you learn how to say it and then forget it? Like this is something that you come across multiple times in your life? Yeah. The hell is a Kyprenia? Kyprenia? Here, I'll text it to you. Here, I'll drizzle you one. Oh, okay.

You've never seen that on a menu? What is that? I'm like, Portugal? Oh. Yeah. Look at us. What? We don't even know if that's right.

It's Brazilian, but it's Portuguese language, yes. Got it, okay. I receive a friendly welcome, and the young lady asks me where i would like to sit an indoor space would be nice is my equally friendly answer her own question seems pointless as she answers that everything inside is full and i can only sit outside okay all right my secret plan is to perhaps escape inside after dinner for those beloved cocktails. So I sit at an outside table and wait, wait, wait, wait for the menu. True poetry. Not that the waitress isn't there. No, she goes from table to table asking people if they like their food. I'm sitting there like a poor idiot without a menu.

Meanwhile, a couple shows up. The eager waitress, eager to all except me, goes to the two of them and asks them directly whether they would like to sit inside or outside. Aha, two fit inside, but one doesn't. They choose outside and are shown to their table. When the waitress comes by, she is surprised to see that I still need the menu. Bingo! She comes back shortly, has two menus in her hand, my hopes rise, and she goes to the newcomers. Sure, two people, two menus. How did I come to have hope? And she goes from table to table again. For me, this is the final sign that I am not wanted here.

Since I'm neatly dressed, haven't had any cocktails yet, was very friendly, and the waitress is too young to have dementia, I assume that in this place they're only interested in business and less in an individual customer singles not welcome but you've made a bit of a mistake dear she for people um by the way that makes me uncomfortable that they're it's such for people and then when i put it in google translate it said slate people and it made me laugh it said dear slate people but you've made a bit of a mistake dear she for people the revenge of the small and single man is swift by the way that line when i translated that i was delighted because mom was like it's it's hard to say I'm like, is it that his revenge is swift?

And she was like, yes, but he's also a small and single man. And I was like, I got this. Firstly, this is coming from a longtime user of this website. In other words, a credible one. Secondly, I didn't want to just drink one of your overpriced cocktails. The imaginary delicious drinks plus a previous meal wouldn't have been a bad sum for a single person. Thirdly, and now, I unfortunately have to grin full of revenge and shameless gloating. Who am I?

Oh, I'm just the vanguard of a large group that shall move through Goslar tomorrow evening. What? This is so threatening. Okay. Who am I? Oh, I'm just a vanguard of a large group of people that shall move through Goslar tomorrow evening just as aimlessly and hungry as I did.

And there is definitely one place we will not visit. You could have had us. Of course, I could have come up with this to satisfy the power fantasies of a frustrated customer. But what if I didn't? Other places also do not have help. Okay, now I'm definitely thinking you did. Like, if you say it like that.

He's like, that's what I put for legal reasons. Just so like, plausible deniability see i said it might be a joke my goodness other places also do good cocktails and i headed straight for them in fact i just had an excellent meal and even though they don't offer caperina Fuck me. Sorry. You're sick of this. Kyprenia. And over yet. And even though they don't offer Kyprenias, this place I'm at gets full marks. Etch-a-betch-a. Which, I don't know if you know that phrase. I don't.

I assume that's a regional thing. Like moin-moin. It means na- nana boo boo. What? It's like a taunting. Taunt. So he wrote etch-a-betch-a and then I parentheses wrote nana nana boo boo.

Good. I'm glad. And then he put a stick out tongue a winking stick out tongue emoji. And then there's a response from owner, a winking stick out tongue emoji. And then there's a response from owner. So that was the end of the review. Wow. That was a menacing, menacing review.

Especially with the stick out tongue wink. This person is, wow. What would your reaction be? Like what, not what would your, what would your guess be as to how the owner, the Schieffer Slate people react to this? By the way, the owner or at least the manager is Alexander S. who responds. No. And I like to think that's Alexander Schieffer. I really do.

Oh, no. You know, I think the best course of action would be to apologize and offer to whip up a caipirinha for them next time they're there and just say, like, sorry, and ignore all the craziness because you're not going to reason with this person. Because this is like they're about to, like, teetering on the edge of, like, becoming a villain, you know, a villain origin story. And depending on how this owner responds, they either, like, pull him from the edge, like, away from the edge of like becoming a villain you know a villain origin story and depending on how this owner responds they either like pull them from the edge like away from the edge or push them over so i guess and they become the first target right so exactly and then you put yourself in in danger

you're right well i think i think maybe we are related to the chief for steakhouse because this is how he responded first of all thank you for the best bad review we have ever received. Etch-a-betch-a. I'm sorry that your stay didn't go as well as we both would have liked. I can assure you that there is no defamation of singles here. I don't want to deny the fact that every employee occasionally loses track of things in this brutal business, but I apologize. Next time, things will definitely be better, and maybe we'll even seat you alongside a nice companion. Fair response. Wait, what?

Because remember he said he was single. Yeah, I know. But still, it feels like they're mocking him kind of, no? I mean, he was joking. Yeah, okay. No, that seemed like a fairly reasonable response. I don't know. I think the first was a bit tongue-in. No, I just seemed like a fairly reasonable response. I don't know.

I think the first was a bit tongue in cheek. The like aggressive, crazy one. I think it was a little bit tongue in cheek. It felt like it matched the energy. Oh, they must hate single people, you know? Um, and he's like, well, maybe we'll set you up on a date. You're just, you're just on their side because of the name. Well, yeah, obviously. Yeah. Maybe I should be too.. Well, yeah, obviously. Yeah.

Maybe I should be too. They share my first name too. Yeah. I think I'm done with that place. Oh, okay. I have more. I'm at the Schieffer house. You are?

I am, actually. Hold on. Someone's here. Oh, it's you. Did you like my no physical comedy it was great

where I turned my head you're so blurry so it was like it even made it even better do you want to see me run around the house three times do you want to see me do it again this is in Dormettingen, Germany

sure you know just in looks like middle of nowhere Lower Saxony? no this is in so here it's in

Schrauben oh upper is that Swabia? do English speakers say S-W-A-B-I-A I don't know I don't think English speakers say that

what? I don't think English speakers say that. What? I don't think English speakers say that. They just don't talk about it. They just don't talk about it. They just don't talk about it. Like in what world would they say that? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying it right now in this context. So anyway, so I'm going to say Swabia. Swabia? Swabia? I think Swab Swabia, Swabia. So Schwaben. It's a region in southwest Germany.

Okay. Here is a one-star review of Schieferhaus. Schieferhaus. Probably more of a horror house. After waiting forever, I had high expectations of the so-called Schwabenstolz, which is like Swabian pride, but for some reason it didn't translate. So that's my own translation, but whatever. And was instead greeted with great disappointment.

Spätzle tastes like it comes out of a package. Really sad for Swabians. The meat took some getting used to and was almost cold. My girlfriend had a salad that was much better. I also wouldn't recommend eating close to the kitchen as it smelled like a sewer. In addition, the fun also costs far too much. At least my cousin got to have some fun on the playground while my girlfriend and I got to prepare for diarrhea. Please give this place a wide berth.

Every roll at the bakery around the corner is worth more. End of review. Whoa! Is your cousin a child or just like having a great time? Just like doing the monkey bars? Yeah, I like that that wasn't clear from this. Yeah, yeah. Wow, the Schieffer, what did it say?

Should stand for horror house? Schieffer house, more like horror house. More like horror house. That sounds pretty much like the level of joke that you'd hear about our name. And also, but the thing is, it's not like the word for horror in German is close to Schieffer, you know? No, yeah, there's no... Like it's not like some punny

or like play on word kind of thing. It's just saying. It's just horror house. Another, it's just changing the word to a bad word. Yes, exactly. To a negative word, yeah. Wow, well... You could say Schieffer house,

more like Kweefer house. Yeah, there you go. What's that in German? Schwabian pride? I don't know. Also, I think that my least favorite sentence of that whole review was, the meat took some getting used to. If you have to get used to eating it maybe don't

I'm gonna butcher this word but the word the German word is okay so it says it's a lot so it says das Fleisch war

gewöhnungsbedürftig gewöhnungsbedürftig bedürftig That's a long word. I don't know. German stresses me out. That's a long fucking word. It says takes getting used to. That's what that means. It means takes getting used to. Gewöhnungs...

Babbel is going to drop their fucking sponsorship. Wait, do they sponsor us? sponsorship No but they're never coming Sounds pretty good to me That's a fucking terrible word I hate it That means takes getting used to Which is kind of impressive That takes some getting used to

That's a very meta word It's a very like self-aware word yeah um okay let's go back to the sheifer steakhouse this is uh from jeanette sent us in and it is a google review i tried to avoid the google reviews even the emails but i i did keep this one just in case you you found them too um and this is a one-star review by Klaus. And I'll just go ahead and read it. Friday, 10th of July, 2020. Don't make the same mistake as we did

when we decided to eat at Schieffer in Goslar, Germany. Location is nice. Service is so slow. A snail would say, damn, this is slow motion service. End of review. I actually abridged it. There was a bunch more about the food, but that was the only part that was enjoyable to me. Damn, this is slow motion service. I feel like I tend to avoid translated reviews because I'm always worried that it isn't coming across the same way. But this is making me think we should do it more because certain phrases like that, like that in English just sounds so funny or weird or like you're not.

It's so good. It's just so good. It makes a snail say i feel like we're getting a good glimpse into the german i say this with a word he with a with a big humor yeah i say this with the word uh but i don't even know is this even i don't think this is even translated into alexander oh never mind no i thought it was too and i just opened the link to it to check again and i'm like no his name is klaus which makes you think it would be yeah translated but no it's written in english even better if it's a german writing in english because i don't know i

find like an american would probably most likely say something like even a snail would find this slow or like there's a way that it would be said that wouldn't be like that it would have okay this seemingly has even more impact oh wait how did I I fucked this up so bad well I didn't oh no and now I'm gonna look stupid no it's perfect because I abridged it except then i just went to look and the last like three lines of this huge review are also excellent so can i just add them yeah so part of me thought i mean i thought when this was sent in by jeanette like oh this is a translated review so i was very um i was like conscientious of that when i read it

and now i'm realizing it's not a translated review. It's someone in Europe writing this in English. And so I feel like it's much more fun to actually just read the exact review as it's written. Oh, okay. Because I thought, oh, I'm going to have to go in and make it sound less silly because this is obviously an auto translation. Nope, this is actually how they wrote it verbatim. So I'm going to read the last bit as well. It says that, so you recall that the snail would say, damn, this is slow motion, comma, service. Okay, great. So let's skip forward a little bit. And now we're here.

Food quality was not bad. In general, it was okay, but difficult for them to make pasta with tomato sauce. How can this be difficult to understand? Another funny episode is, dogs seem to be allowed inside the restaurant? Not one of these dogs that can be in a handbag, but pretty big ones. Maybe that's normal, just not seen that before. Have a fine picture of it as well. Don't visit Schieffer it will just ruin your mood and the food is nothing special we tried but we're not going to revisit positive note the restrooms were fine they call it gosselaar steakhouse we call it gosselaar escape room

do you call it that that's interesting oh that's, this person's from Norway or Denmark because all their other reviews are from either Norway or Denmark. So they're Scandinavian. So that's why they wrote it in English, not German. I hope someone listening was like, yeah, we say that all the time in Norway about snails. Oh, the old snail idiom. Also, they put a comma so they wrote damn that is slow comma service or however it was written oh yeah that is slow motion service oh it's so good it's so good um i forgot to mention that that last one was from Matt and Jen. So sorry.

They're freaking out right now. Thinking that I wasn't giving them proper credit. This next one is as well, as is my one after that. So this is a review of Restaurant Schiefer Twurm in Kitzingen, Germany. It looks lovely. How come we never stumbled upon a place with our name when we were over there? I feel like I've seen it. No, I've watched like watching the news when they talk about it.

I was, I had a memory. About the sleeper steakhouse? No, of them talking about Slate on the news. Oh. And seeing my name a bunch and was like, Oh, that's interesting. That's my name. Yeah. When I was living, I was living in Essendon. Yeah. Um, anyway, here is a one-star review. Um, I did not fix the translation by the way. I don't think I did that for any of these. Well, I did a little bit for that last one. Um, and this has an owner response. So here is the review. One star.

Absolutely not recommended. I ordered a turkey schnitzel and got a pork schnitzel. I pointed this out to the waitress several times, but neither the waitress nor the boss reacted in a friendly manner and admitted the mistake. I did not eat the pork schnitzel and still had to pay the full amount. Incredible. My husband's potato salad

was also not homemade as described in the menu. The purest ripoff. Masks were also not worn. You should contact the health department. Never again. End of review. Okay. And then here's a response from owner. Okay. As a cook and a trained butcher shop saleswoman, I know very well how to distinguish between turkey and pork, but you are welcome to send the meat to the laboratory as you threatened me. I don't need to describe. I don't need to mention. Send it to the laboratory as you threatened me. Jesus Christ. What laboratory?

I don't need to mention how ridiculous this is. And anyone who behaves like an ax in the forest has no right to be treated kindly. The potato salad is made fresh every day. Mask requirement lifted in the beer garden at the moment. And your request has probably been responded to. But the way they behaved was terrible. Next time you have a bad day just stay home i ask you not to enter our premises again end of review end of response just go home and stop being a

little bitch and stop setting your dinner to the laboratory fucking love wow that is beautifully written yeah i also like the anyone who acts like a an axe in the forest behaves like an axe in the forest um that's a uh that's powerful yeah yeah that's a that's a cutting remark yeah get it okay it's so cutting um this is a that was good, this is a review of Chopping What? Chopping, sorry I chopped, too Well, I'm glad you said sorry, because you should be apologizing I did

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Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? you can change the music. Oh yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Okay okay so this is a review sent in by maya of

sheifer insurance services in bukerus ohio oh i think that's how you say it no clue found our found our side hustle bukerus oh she for insurance services Yeah. What a great job we would do with that. This is a one-star review by Thomas, and it's just, actually, it's just a rating. It just says one star. And then there's an owner response, which is why Maya sent this in. So Schieffer Insurance Services owner responded to John, We have no record of ever having contact with you. Therefore, we deem this review to be frivolous and dishonest end of review oh when i first saw that i was like oh wow that's a google translate and

then from german because it's so intense and then i realized it was in ohio oh shit somebody named sheifer also has a love of intense verbiage as I do and you do. Yeah. So I don't know who this fella is up in Bucharest, Ohio, but I'm kind of into the, I'm digging the way he talks. Let's go. Let's go check it out. Sure. I mean, I'm sure we need some sort of insurance. I mean, I can't imagine it could hurt

i don't know if we get any scathing remarks from them like the way they talk i think they can hurt us pretty easily it'll probably cut me like an axe in the woods yeah exactly um okay my next one is a redemption uh and this is kind of, this is really interesting. I think this was Matt and Jen sent it in. This is of the Schieffer Museum in Ludwigsstadt. What? In Germany. Yeah. What's that?

It's a slate museum? Yeah. Literally. Whoa. It's really interesting. It's like, so here, I'll just read the review. Because the review basically just, it's not like nothing crazy happens. It's just describing it, which I thought was cool.

Okay, okay. I can't wait. Here we go. And this is not translated. This is as is. A museum about slate mining and further processing. How hard it was to get the slate and produce roof shingles in a high quality. Also a product, the older ones may know it from their early school days.

Chalkboard. You learn how they made it and how living at this time, you can buy a chalkboard at the entrance. End of review. Wait, I want to go so bad. This is so cool. I know it seems pretty cool.

And there's like a lot of pictures and they like that. They took inside the museum. They like show like how I think the chalkboards are like made um they have like old pictures from the factory and old pictures of like workers and they have a bunch of chalkboards laid out that you can play with yeah i've been oh my god wait on. I'm looking at Schieffer Museum and there's something called Schieffer Land. Duh. This is getting actually dangerous. So here's the thing.

I've been recently, as you know, getting interested more in genealogy, in ancestry, that kind of thing. And I was reading some old, like tech, not old texts. That sounds like I unfurled a parchment what I mean to say is I read an email from our uncle who wrote like this kind of old text and then that's what it was I'm sorry this is too funny to me okay it was like a google doc for our uncle okay and it was it was not even a google talk it was like a fucking word talk and he wrote like all this these old stories and I was researching the people mentioned and linking them you know figuring out who's who and I talked to dad and he said something about a

teacher of his who was like wait your last name is sheifer and he had been taught like in i guess call it mathematics or something by another man named like hair sheifer and so this sheifer was like a a known teacher's last name i don't know i don't know oh huh i thought you were a known mathematician well i don't know, I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. I feel like I got nervous halfway through that dad was listening and he's going to correct this entire story and I'm all wrong. But there was a story he told where his teacher in like elementary school was like, oh, your distant relative, Herr Schieffer, was my teacher or something like that.

And so there's a what went wrong with us could be with math what mathematics yeah yeah i don't know oh i mean i don't know our mother literally has a phd so clearly it was just you know and of course she's not from the sheifer side but clearly we were the we messed something up in our genetics. Yeah. Something went awry. When we started to exist. Between that generation and ours. Yeah, that makes sense. We're not, we're not.

Maybe we accidentally misunderstood and thought it meant like slate quarries. And so that's why I was into rocks for a little while. Okay. Just for a little while. And also now. You know, I will say these museums though are so interesting because they have and i feel like they have so many like different uh regions of germany at least maybe just literally the place that i lived in so maybe this is just very like mainly about from over there but they have

so many like industrial museums and these industrial places that are no longer running, but they keep them as museums. So like the, uh, Zeche Zollverein is like a, uh, anyway, it's just like all these like tourism, there's so much tourism based around, um, like mining and different, like, uh, like, I don't know, different industrial processes. And it's so crazy. Like, it's interesting. You can like go into the like coal mines and just see what it was like. It's pretty cool.

Well, that's what I want to do. Because, you know, I lived a past life in a coal mining town. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe that was my quarry situation. Maybe it wasn't coal mining. Got it. Maybe it was slate mining. Slate mining.

Slate mining. There you go. Yeah. I figured it out. It's all possible. Check your past life genealogy. We'll find out. I'm trying. I'm digging.

I'll go check those ancient texts again. See? Stupid. So this is a review sent in by Elta. It's of Schieffer and co metals basically like metallurgy which i feel like sort of dad should get involved here i don't know but um the the description on google says gold dealer oh so like slate slate wasn't very uh profitable so let's try oh right right they switched that was really smart of them you know the people who didn't switch were like, Slate wasn't very profitable, so let's try gold. Oh, right, right. They switched.

I was really smart of them. The people who didn't switch were like, damn it, we had a chance. So this is a review, and this is translated, but there is a response from owner. So this is a one-star review by Sabrina. So I wasn't that enthusiastic about it. They didn't really provide any information. They just said it's not silver and therefore probably worthless. Because of this probably, I'm not really any wiser as to what other material could be.

And here's the response from owner. Hello, Ms. Schmidt. We are particularly happy to answer concretely and with a clear message online, if you only give us one star for a clear message and concrete information on site. Conclusion. clear message online if you only give us one star for a clear message and concrete information on site conclusion we only buy precious metals and if you're paid a ridiculous price for your object made of a non-precious metal at a flea market then we will congratulate you on your success the word brass was probably used and if not i would like to apologize to you in all forms also on behalf of the team best regards end of review response wow that's the word brass was used and if it wasn't i'm sorry your damn trinket is worthless fucking trinket oh my god if you sell that for an outrageous price

at a flea market i'll be so happy for your success that's so good you sell your worthless junk at a flea market i'll be so proud of you um okay so i only have like one more set of reviews um how many more do you have i have one two one and two redemption sorry i'll split these up then okay so this is so this was something sent in by Liza who says, Hi, Sibs, this was a tough one. If you're not finding a lot of places and decide in your desperation to be a little flexible, parentheses, love that for you, here are some reviews of a wine I found. And I was going to be, I wanted to read them because I was like,

if it's worth reading, like I'll read it anyway. Yeah. And I wanted to read them because I think they're so funny. So this is of a wine called. You know, we own, we got that wine gifted to us, right? Which one? This one? Well, the Schieffer Winery.

I mean, I don't know. it no that's not what this is oh never mind okay this is this this is literally the word slate i believe is meant to be because it's quartzit schieffer riesling by it the winery is franson or franson the company oh okay uh it is so i think they are using schieffer as in like slate oh i see the name of it never mind so here is a uh i'm just gonna read a three and a half star review to start just a few words here we go yogurt lemon petrol end of review three and a half stars i mean it's not terrible i would probably drink that and liza says uh i was mildly alarmed by how many people use petrol or gasoline

to describe this wine and yet it had zero one star reviews and then signed it okay nauseously liza nauseously yeah see i feel like um it's not the i mean you know there's words when you describe wine that don't sound appealing but that are supposedly good so yeah i don't know i guess i'm gonna it's it's it paints a vivid picture um i guess yeah i also have a review of she for wine um this is a 2019 she for wine and this was sent in by minimoto they them and a few people actually sent she for wine in in. Oh, really? I'm just going to read this one. I didn't see them. Yeah. So this is a four-star review.

It's actually a redemption of Schieffer wine. Beautifully textured, somewhat brooding wine, medium tannic structure, and great, avid, promising even more delights should you decide to sell her for a couple of years. End of review. So Minamotoimoto wrote if you understand that let me know and i don't but i think it's it might be petrol it might be uh a brooding wine yeah but it sounds like something i would drink without hesitation i would not it sounds terrible here i have another she for wine label that like when we had that party in 2019 in austria we were gifted uh some bottles of she forffer wine. Oh, you and Blaze?

I think so. I think you were too, maybe? No, maybe it's just me. But I brought them back to our... I know, but this person was like, look what I have, and gave all of us a bunch of bottles of wine to be like... I do not remember that. I'm texting you a picture of the one I found online,

because I had it for a while, and I think I must have gotten rid of it. Which is a bummer. It was that bad? I don't know. I'm like, I don't remember drinking it, but that was the wine that we were gifted there. And I think,

I don't know. I don't know. This one doesn't seem to have as much, um, uh, what do you call it? Petrol. But it does have,

a lot of people are saying iodine, which doesn't sound good. Oh dear, that also doesn't sound good. I don't know what that tastes like, but I think that's a good thing. That's kind of keeping me alive. True. Wait, isn't iodine,

they iodize salt, but like, sometimes they don't. Are you supposed to taste it? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Okay. I don't need comments about this either.

Don't bother people. This isn't something I need to learn about. Here's a three and a half. How do you like it? I like it. Oh, I have to make a cellar tracker account. I'll do that later. Oh, okay.

I have one more of this wine I'm going to read. Here we go. Three and a half stars. This is of the 2016 vintage. A mineral treasure, perfect for geologists. It speaks directly and clearly of terroir, sharp slate, sodium, iron, liquid quartz, gorgeous silver acidity, sharp, precise, and electric. Your palate, digestive system, and your mind

will sparkle like a starry night. End of review. Ew! Like, it sounds like a joke. They're eating a chalkboard. It sounds like they're eating a slate tablet, and that's either a joke or not a joke, but either way, that's what the joke or not a joke but either way

that's what the sentence means like it's like crunch crunch you are eating earth and the metals inside of it yum gross what's the word they used it wasn't iodine but it was something similar oxidant or no what was it they well they said terroir t-e-r-r-o-i-r which i don't know. What was it? Well, they said terroir, T-E-R-R-O-I-R, which I don't know what that means. I know you want to talk about how you found that word, but what is that? What do you mean I found it? You don't know? Oh, I don't know. But what were the other words?

That was the first word, so I was going to go through them. Okay. Terroir, sharp slate, that's where the sheaf comes in. Sodium. Sharp slate. Yeah. Sodium, that's what I was going to say. So we got sodium and iodine

yeah look no offense to all you wine freaks out there but um i feel like you're just some of you might just be using words that you don't need to use that word to describe this. Like you can say salty if it's salty, but you're talking about iodine and sodium or whatever. Actually, if the wine is salty, you should actually, you got to call somebody or tell somebody or not recommend it because I don't want to be drinking salty wine. But like, can you actually taste sodium or is it just salt? Like, you know what I mean?

Like, I know salt is just part, like sodium is part of, can you taste individually sodium? I think that's the whole issue is that people who are kind of these wine tasting connoisseur snobs, we know several of them. We have known, I guess, in passing several of them in Germany specifically. And wow, they will- Are you speaking for me right now too? Because I have no idea who you're talking about. Okay. You don't?

I have no clue who you're talking about. I'll text you. I'm like, who? Oh, really? Yeah, that we went to this restaurant and they sent a bottle back and it was like a 300 bottle and we were all like come on come on that's but like it was all just kind of like this for show you know like yeah yeah this this doesn't have the taste of a whatever year whatever vintage it tastes like next time i'm just gonna

say it tastes like i'm eating a slate chalkboard or whatever that person just said. I'm eating the tannins of the terroir. But yeah, I agree. I think it's all bullshit. And like, what does liquid quartz taste like? Come on. I mean, right.

How often are you doing that? If often, then like maybe go to the doctor. Yeah. It also says perfect for geologists. I wonder if that is actually true. If like geologists prefer wines that they can. Because they're always licking rocks. Because they lick the rocks.

You know, I wouldn't, hey, I wouldn't be surprised if geologists on average look more rocks than the other, like average human. Like that for some reason, like that makes sense, right? Well, you gotta imagine they at least consume the dust by you know unintentionally or i'm not even saying i'm saying they lick and i think they lick rocks more often than the average person like i feel like that's there's probably some rocks that you can be like oh that's how i can tell what it is because of the taste i would not be surprised it's sodium it's salt it's z yeah exactly this is and then and then i'm like i'm like and then they're they're like dad stop leaking the table salt so anyway this is this is sent in by abby um and it's a review of Schieferstein's Farm, which I'm just delighted about.

And let me check where this is. Schieferstein is quite a name. It's sort of like when Em and I named our future child Kremit. And then Kremit's last name was Schiefer Schultz, which I always found so catchy, but Schieferstein is also good. And this is in Madison Hill, oh, Clark, New Jersey. Okay. We've got a one-star review here of Schieferstein's farm. I don't know if it's Schieferstein or Schieferstein, which is interesting because Stein means stone or a rock.

A little redundant. A little redundancy going on here, but that's okay. So one star. If there were zero stars, that would be more accurate. The owner, I believe his name is Andrew, is a just complete jerk. Jerk is not exactly the word I wish to use, but I'm trying to keep it clean here. I live locally, so I've been here many times throughout the years. This guy definitely failed charm school and so needs to be voted off the island for sure.

Okay, I feel like this person is pretending to be in high school or something and is failing. Like they're pretending to reference all these things. Yes, high schoolers famously love referencing Survivor. Sorry, is Survivor still cool? I mean, I don't know. Like, you know? I watched 21 Jump Street again recently, and by recently, I mean a year ago.

And I just was struck by, like, the things they were saying and, like, how very time capsule-y they were. So in my head when people say things like voted off the island, I'm like, nobody says that anymore. I don't know. I don't know. I just, it just feels like a really outdated, even though it was written two years ago. Okay. This guy definitely failed charm school and so needs to be voted off the island for sure.

Right now, he is one of the only games in town, as the others have sadly closed. As a convenience, I went there as I just needed a few flowers for some pots. Upon checking out, he had some strawberries and cherries on the counter. He told me he was selling the strawberries at $7.99 a carton and cherries at $7.99 a pound. I told him his price was too high. He told me he had the lowest prices around. I declined and told him I would go to the farmer's market near where I worked and mention the location when he told me he knew the owner and knew their prices and his prices were better. Obviously not. He told me to go there and then quote, call him Tuesday night and let him know exactly what I paid for them. I mean, seriously? I just told him no thank you and was ready to check out.

My flowers came to $59. I had some cash on me, so I told him I would give him some cash and some on a debit card, at which point he barked at me and told me it's one or the other. He said all cash or all card. Then he said i do what works for me and that doesn't work for me who says that to a customer i just shrugged my shoulders and said very nicely okay fine as i was leaving he yelled don't forget to call me tuesday night about those strawberries i'll be waiting for your call seriously maybe he's trying to hit on her or them or whoever this is i'm just wondering i'm like wow he's really i definitely was not getting this vibe that vibe i think because like but

my actually weirdly my my initial instinct was like maybe this like person's actually curious about this these prices like wants to know the price i like and he's tried to go undercover but they're like mr superstein we see you like take off the fake mustache he said they know him like he knows the owner he didn't say that it was for a good thing like it was that they had a positive he had a restraining order as i was leaving he yelled don't forget to call me tuesday night about those strawberries i'll be waiting for your call seriously i just left my head. A lady walking behind me in the parking lot repeated exactly what he said and shook her head and said, his prices are expensive.

I bought a small eggplant, one cucumber and a tomato and it was $7. She only stopped at a convenience as she lived a few doors down and did not want to go to bigger farmer's market i said okay you learned her whole life story like what what is this conversation sorry you know how people always do this like and then in the parking lot we all rallied together yeah and everyone clapped you were just harassing other people she only stopped at a convenience as she lived a few doors down and did not want to go to a baker's farmer's market i said to her i thought it was just me at which point another woman behind her in the parking lot walked up was just shaking her head and said unbelievable

why is everyone shaking their head at this place like i feel like everyone has been like oh let me tell you like what is happening also like the first lady the one in the parking lot she lives a few doors down like don't ruin her don't sour the relationship she has with the farmer's market like three doors down like that is an important balance she needs to keep because if she's kicked out or she's banned from here like that would suck so don't drag her into your nonsense like let her have her spot um okay let's see but also saying like oh she bought an eggplant and a cucumber like did you go and ask her like what is in your bag how much did you pay for it i feel like this person's really stepping over some about some lines either that or these people are just like finding each other somehow and like

this person just actually came up and gave that info willingly but i just think if you live a few hours down and you buy stuff there and you're like yeah it's kind of expensive i go there for convenience like i don't know i don't think that's as um damning as maybe this whatever okay let's see at which, another woman behind her in the parking lot was just shaking her head and said, unbelievable. I definitely will make the trip and go to Cranford, even if it's crowded. I might add, this is not even the first encounter I've had with this jerk. He is a clueless idiot. Just stay away. Go to Cranford. P.S. And by the way, my son will let him know what the price of strawberries are on Tuesday night since he so badly wants that phone call.

I hope he likes strawberries and cherries because no one is going to buy them at that price and he will have to eat all of them himself. Two thumbs down. End of review. Wow. Wow. He's going to eat all those cherries himself. wow okay first of all those cherries himself like this is already one-sided because it's just for one person but i feel like the interactions from the guy weren't that terrible i don't know maybe i'm wrong it feels like oh yeah there's some local farmer guy like uh it sounds very normal and yeah like and what did he say he said he does what works for him and then she got so upset or this sorry this reviewer got so upset by that yeah i'm like good for this guy but also maybe it's a small establishment if you're like i need debit card and cash like maybe he just can't do that yeah like maybe like no this

is a farmer's market i can't like split your purchase you know i don't know and if you're already being like it's too expensive well maybe he doesn't feel like being whatever i don't know. And if you're already being like, it's too expensive. Well, maybe he doesn't feel like being whatever. I don't know. Maybe this guy's a total fucking jerk. So I don't know. Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe he's a shiefer scene. He might be a shiefer scene.

He's got the name for it. I think just the shiefer, I'd be completely defending him. Oh, oh, oh. Well, yes. Out of fear. Exactly. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Well, yes, out of fear. Exactly. Out of fear. It's Tim's 60th anniversary

and Roll Up to Win is back. Win big with a daily $10,000 jackpot sponsored by Tim's Financial. Earn an entry with every roll. Play now on the Tim's app. Rules apply. Canada only. No purchase necessary.

Visit the Tim's app. Rules apply. Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Do you have any more? Nope. Well, my challenge. Okay, I just have one redemption.

And this was sent in by Olga. And it's a review of Christine Schieffer on Facebook. The doctor? No, me. Oh, literally of you?

Of me. Oh, no. Yes. And it's from Facebook. It's a five-star review. A review of you on Facebook? Because you have like a page. You're like a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's... I have six whole reviews. And here's a five-star one. One has to be grateful to anyone who has done a huge favor in their life. This is the reason why I have taken it upon myself to thank this great spellcaster called Dr. Nosokare. Because through his help, my life became more filled with love. And I am happy to say that my lover, who has been separated from me for the past weeks, back to me pleading for acceptance this was a shocking event because before i contacted dr nosokari i was the one

begging my lover to come back to me but through the assistance of dr nosokari i am now my relationship restored you also can have a better relationship if you email dr nosari spellcaster at gmail.com end of review oh Oh, and then he also has a Facebook page which is linked called Dr. Nosakari the Voodoo Caster. Oh, wow. I just was really touched that I got one of these spam ratings.

That's quite the honor. I'm actually quite happy for you. I am. I kind of want to pull a bait and switch of like, I'm going to read a five-star review of myself and then like, you know, to read a five-star review of myself. And then like, you know, it's just about Dr. No,

as it was going, I'm like, this is going to be so dramatic and I'm going to want to leave. And exactly. That was great. That was the bait and switch I wanted to pull on you. So that's all I got. You did a good job.

That's funny. Okay. Well, my challenge, I'm excited for this one. Uh, my challenge was, uh, from Cyprus and it was to find reviews where the reviewer mentions trying to sneak up on someone. Um, yes, yes, yes.

I think I mostly stuck to that. I think there were maybe one or two that were a little different, a twist. Um, but yeah, here's my first one um i found this review of uh jimmy johns in cranberry township pennsylvania which sounds like the most adorable place ever and probably is it i don't know i feel like sometimes you're probably right i don't know. Off the wrong vibe. Yeah. Yeah. Cranberry Township. Anyway. Oh, 33,000 people.

That's more than I expected from a place called Cranberry Township. Okay. Four star review. So it's positive. Here we go. Only my first visit, but I am in love. Stopped by Jimmy John's after running errands. Add an exhausting day at work, who would

want to go home and cook? The nice boy working the counter was so absorbed by his sandwich making that I snuck up on him and startled him. Anyway, I ordered my number five Vito. He started hollowing out my roll. Gee, I want wheat. Wouldn't you know? It's not a sub, it's sliced bread. But the slices were so thick and rich looking, I decided that I'm in. The Vito is an original Italian sub, with salami, provolone, capicola, onion, lettuce, and tomato. The nice boy looked shocked when I asked for the Italian vinaigrette on the side. We don't have containers for that. I pick up a small cup from the counter and say, what's this for?

It's for water. Dressing in the cup, the day is saved and all is well. This is so weird. I'm sorry. If this person were in front of me, I'd be like, what's happening? I feel like I should put a fiver in the tip jar for this employee because things feel really uncomfy. Christina, I'm going to drop something on you early. feel really uncomfy christina i'm gonna drop some something on you early uh there's a picture with this and it's a somewhat blurry picture of the the employee at the register no like looking at the register so not even like looking and just they're like sneaking so they're basically like this is mid sneak they took this photo like this is he doesn't hear me gonna sound dramatic, but I feel like this is something like a true crime photo of like the last

time we saw this, like, Oh no. Like it looks weirdly like, you know, like that slightly blurry, like a candid photo. And you're like,

yeah, this is, it gives, it gives creepy vibes. You know, when someone's missing and it's like, Oh, I think I saw like tips are coming in that he's been spotted, uh, in different parts of the country. And someone's like, well, I got my sandwich at Jimmy John's.'s like, oh, I think I saw like tips are coming in that he's been spotted in different parts of the country.

And someone's like, well, I got my sandwich at Jimmy John's and like I took a photo. It looks like the missing guy and it looks something like the person. That's more like it. That's more like it. Yeah. And also this is maybe unrelated, but just interesting. This was written in 2013.

So over 10 years ago. Oh, wow. so a cold case huh but this reviewer is still reviewing um which i which i love for them btw i looked up cranberry township as you did too and i mean they literally have a one-room schoolhouse and a youtube video of little kids riding bikes with like a security guide leading them to school so i take it all back cranberry township looks fucking adorable okay i was like what are where are you going with this i didn't know i just i just know someone's gonna be like well christine you're wrong again and i'm listen i'm gonna get ahead of it now and say you're right i'm wrong okay we could we could have we can save our time and just you say that for literally everything you

say right well i was hoping you could just cut that and use that in the future. Oh, just copy it every single time. Just like put it into every episode just in case. Got it. Okay. Almost done with this one. Here we go. Later in time for dinner, I checked out my sandwich.

Gee, it looked really good and big enough that I can save the other half for my lunch at work tomorrow. Added a little dressing. So yummy. He said that the bread was fresh, baked this morning, and it was delicious. Another great thing about Jimmy John's is that they deliver. You can even order just one sandwich and they will bring it to you. It's always nice to have a different sandwich choice in Cranberry. I love Jimmy John's.

End of review. So I'm confused. They, okay. I think I know what you're confused about. Was this their first time at this location? Didn't they say this is their first time? And I thought like their first time at Jimmy John's. I think it's their first time at Jimmy John's.

Why are they acting like they're a seasoned expert? They're not. I don't know. Oh, okay. I just feel like I got the vibe that they're like, I don't know. They just, they shared their, what they learned with us. If they're the kind of person to take photos of the person at the register, I assume that they're the kind of person who is going to ask all these questions and like get to know how Jimmy John's works. With knowledge.

Right. Yeah. So I guess my other question then is, what was up with the bread? So they said, oh, I wanted the bread scooped, but I didn't. I don't know. What? I know. Okay.

So yeah. All right. I'm just glad. I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything pertinent. He started hollowing out my roll. Gee, I want wheat. Wouldn't you know? It's not a sub.

It's sliced bread. Christina, I don't know. I'm just glad. as far as i know it sounds like yeah it sounds like semantics i just thought i didn't understand but if no one else understands then i'm happy it sounds like sandwich bread semantics but i'm not sure like what a sub is what sliced bread is sandwich bread semantics. You know how it is. Um, anyway, uh,

where am I off to now? I'm off to somewhere recommended by Matt and Jen. Um, this is a review of a, this is a review of educational insights, geo Safari, junior sneak and peak periscope, wide viewing and led lights. So it's a little periscope, wide viewing and LED lights.

So it's a little periscope. I bought this for a child for Christmas. Yeah. One of those Operation Santa gift pack care packages. I bought one of those periscope toys. Yeah. You bought a periscope for Operation Santa. Are you sure this isn't code?

You were like working with the navy they're like no we needed a real fucking periscope you dimwit and you sent us like a fucking fisher price toy they're like yes it's like 1.2 million dollars and you're like oh well i found this one on amazon for much i'm I'm going to sign up for this letter, for this wish list. And they're like, that's not a wish list. That's the Marine, that's sealed Navy, Naval records. Okay. Here's a five-star review.

This one is, this is one that stretches the challenge a little bit. But I forgive Matt and I guess Jen as well yeah this is a flip-flop of what's happening five-star review my children spy on me now and it's great my kids love this i keep catching my five-year-old periscoping me around corners and from under her bed my seven-year-old tries to peep around the doors with this it's somewhat unnerving because I feel like I'm being watched and then hear the sounds of disembodied giggling, but I'm so glad they took an immediate interest in something this

cool. We've had a few fun science-y conversations about how the mirrors inside work, and I think it's a great STEM-type toy for any four- to eight-year-old. End of review. That's adorable. Right? I thought, I was like, I love that review. I had to bring it. It's adorable until it's no longer adorable. Yeah, until it's like really creepy. Alright, that's adorable right i thought i was like i love that review i had to bring it's adorable until it's no longer adorable yeah so it's like all right that's enough that's

enough now you're 15 and you've got to stop this behavior you're gonna get in trouble at school yeah wow yeah that looks like that sounds like fun yeah um it does so here uh are my last periscope oh do you remember yeah maybe i'd like tried to make one and that didn't work and then um i i got one i think or celine got one one of us had one and we would run around and spy on people just like this and nobody found it as cute as these parents apparently do um for whatever reason i can't imagine why probably you did much more sinister things i know and i was not spying on people i knew i was spying on strangers oh boy i believe it um okay so let's see the rest are. The rest are ones I found, which could be a bad thing, but that's okay.

Here is a review of a cat nail clipping, cleaning, grooming, restraint bag. No scratching, biting, for bathing, nail trimming, injecting, examining. So it's- So a cat's worst nightmare. examining. So a cat's worst nightmare. It's like a it looks like a cat

like a cat carrier but it's meant to like go around their body. Yeah it's like and then their paws go through a couple holes that you can zip up and their head comes out.

Hilarious and terrible. Like you know they fucking despise this thing. And our sister just wraps our cat in a blanket when she has to give him medicine. Yeah. And he just

is a burrito so I can imagine it's a similar similar situation oh my god in this one example video this person put like a mask around their cats like eyes and everything like except for their like mouth i assume to like to like keep it calm while they clip its nails i don't know yeah that'll, okay. Here's a five-star review titled Perfect for Psycho Cats. Cool. My cat is truly a nightmare to take to the vet.

He's a sweet little angel at home, but something takes over him the second I get him into his crate. He's been spending a lot of time at the vet lately to treat bladder stones. My vet had to wear welding gloves just to examine him. Sedatives only made him more angry somehow. Let me tell you, this thing worked like a charm. It was surprisingly easy to get him into it. I snuck up on him when he was napping.

No. Once he was in it. I forgot the challenge. I was just so invested about this cat that I was like, whoa, how did they do it? I figured this kind of fit because it was not a person, but something more valuable than a person. Someone's sneaking. Yeah. Once he was in it, he tried to roll around a little, but seemed to accept his fate after a couple of minutes and actually stayed pretty calm at the vet for once.

They were able to examine him and give give him an injection without anyone losing a finger he can still chomp though so i should have added the muzzle with it but the next strap gives them pretty limited movement to reach around and bite this product was a lifesaver literally end of review so scary i forgot to mention the muzzle in the silence of the lambs like level no it's the the muzzle is fucking it's kind of freaky i don't like that this picture christina of this cat just like this poor accepting his fate is so fucking terrible because you just want to be like this will make you feel better cat yeah like you know murder you cat but he probably thinks

you're trying to kill him like he's fighting for his life okay yeah i guess no i mean i'm serious yeah or he's just just wants to do his own thing i don't know i i'd like to think wrapped me in a fucking bag and put a muzzle on me and covered my eyes i think maybe i would not think I just want to do what I want to do. I would think I'm about to get murdered by this person. You know, you got me there. This is terrifying. This cat is going to come for their owner in their sleep. What a villain origin story.

Literally, it looks like it's wrapped up in like a sleeping bag roll. I don't know the right, but its eyes are just staring blankly ahead. Yeah. Just concocting a plan. Wow. That's absolutely terrifying. That's accurate.

Um, okay. Uh, so here is a review. I'm trying to think which one I should read first. I'm going to read the negative first. This one is a little bit of a stretch. Um, and the reviewer is not doing the sneaking, but this just was so wild that I really wanted to read it. It's a very long review,

but I'm not reading all of it. Here we go. Here is a two-star review of Lake, uh, Pohaton, Pohaton recreation Area and Campground. This is in Asheville. I assume Asheville, North Carolina. Yeah, Asheville, North Carolina. Here's a review of the campground. We stayed on sites 12 and 13 for the week of July 4th. I picked this campsite over Campfire Lodgings,

our previous year campsite, because it had a lake to cool down. That was a big mistake. Campfire Lodgings has beautiful views and the grounds and staff couldn't have been friendlier. The only issue was this year I was going with 12 people, many of them teens, and I wanted to make sure they had water access to cool down. The arrival was uneventful, but I did notice that it was extremely busy at check-in and somewhat tricky to locate. We arrived at our campsite and it was fine. The sites are all 20 feet to 30 feet from each other and clean.

Some important facts you should know. The camp hosts are horrendous. Within the first hour, we had the camp hosts stopped by our campsites six times, admonishing us for perceived infractions. The camp hosts stopped by our campsites six times admonishing us for perceived infractions the camp hosts the camp hosts cruise up and down the loop in golf carts looking to yell at campers we started to realize this was more like a prison camp than a campground my 73 year old mother was offended my children were offended and frankly by the end of day one of our six-day stay our trip was tainted they are

seriously that aggressive we were told that cars had to be backed into the site so the hang tags were visible the second visit was to let us know that only two tents were allowed per site the third visit we were told nothing with the bottom could be placed outside of the marked campsite areas fourth visit was to fix a broken pump valve. The fifth visit was to tell us only four vehicles were allowed between the two campsites. The sixth visit was to let us know that a vehicle that we were unloading

was parked on the side of the road and needed to be moved immediately. Please keep in mind that this was within the first 60 minutes of our visit. The camp host stopped at least another dozen times during our stay. We actually devised a bird call to warn our fellow campers When the camp host tried to sneak up on campsites in their electric golf cart

No! Electric golf cart Quiet hours are strictly, strictly enforced between the hours of 10pm and 7am It doesn't matter if your child is frightened and cries out Any noise will get you a warning letter. So they're sneaking up in their electric golf cart and the kid's like, oh, you scared me. And they're like, infraction.

Yes. Like you are the one sneaking up on me, you creep. I misread that last part, but here it goes. Any noise will get you a warning, letting you know that you will be kicked out of the campground and it is your final warning. The exact quote, in all caps, This is your friendly warning. If I come back, you will be kicked out. We all went to bed at 10.05 because we were afraid that we would be kicked out.

Some of the people that we were camping with had driven 15 hours to get to the site and had to go directly to bed. To give you some context, we aren't drinkers. I'm an accountant by trade. My wife is in clinical research. My mother is a 73 year old ex-insurance underwriter. This wasn't like we were letting off fireworks and drinking keg beer. This was literally a family vacation that was terrorized by some ex-military camp hosts i was embarrassed for the campground and i was ashamed that they would yell at small children i witnessed this unprofessionalism at other camper sites as well end of review jesus christ what i mean this sounds terrible this sounds absolutely nightmarish like honestly it sounds like the start of a horror movie. I know.

I know. Right? Like, oh, they keep coming by to check on us. And then after 10 p.m., like, they're silent little golf carts. Honestly, since the first word of that review, I was trying to figure out, like, who's going to sneak up. And at first I thought it was, like, something to do with the lake. Like, something was going to sneak up out of the lake. I don't know.

I was really on edge. There's some kind of freaky possibilities when it comes to campgrounds of who could be doing the sneaking. What show did I just watch where it was like, oh, they stayed in – am I crazy? What was that? Or a movie? Maybe it was a dream I had.

But there was an Airbnb, and then the owners came home and were like, we're staying here because there's a terrible storm. is that a show i watched i don't know i mean there's an airbnb plot is a part of a big part of the plot in uh barbarian but i don't think you watched that i definitely didn't watch that no but it's uh yeah anyway that's what i was thinking of um just like the sinister like oh don't worry we run this place yeah and then yeah okay you're safe here yeah especially in a campground I freaked out by the woods sure yes you should be I don't like the healthy, I would say that's a healthy fear in my opinion. Yeah. Um, I have one more review and this is a five-star review of,

um, a rolling, it's a rolling salon stool with wider round seat, height adjustable, heavy duty chair with wheels for salon, esthetician and home office use. You can picture, right? Like it's a stool that you sit on that rolls like i picture

a tattoo artist wheeling up on that thing getting ready to work here we go snap on those latex gloves yes so ready to go five stars titled my wife doesn't know i'm sneaking up on her my wife doesn't know my wife oh that's pretty that's pretty bad. Here we go. That's terrible. He's rolling around. Okay. My transportation around the house for the past several years has been a doctor's stool because there's no way for me to actually walk. Needless to say, I order stools quite a bit. I'm six foot six.

Well, used to be LOL. And over 250 pounds now. The prior stool I was on was nicknamed my wheeler chair after the wheelers from the wizard of oz 2 which i didn't know they made a wizard of oz 2 i was like right that reference that we all get what the fuck like that sounds like a movie that ai would come up with like it's like you know like wizard of oz 2 but apparently yeah return to oz uh is a movie i did not okay i feel like i was not familiar with that actually the prior stool i was on was nicknamed my wheeler chair after the wheelers from the wizard of oz 2 and the sound

the wheels ended up making everyone in the house knew i was awake and headed for the bedroom door the second day i got this stool i rolled into the kitchen and actually scared my wife she said i snuck up on her because she couldn't hear me roll into the room what a surprise the seat is quite sturdy which is a good thing but i can't sit on it for too long over a few hours at a time because it begins to make my tushy sore overall a great sturdy quiet stool thank you end of review. And then, boom. I really appreciate that one for some reason.

It makes me happy. I thought it was really nice. Yeah, I especially like- What an added bonus that you can sneak around and scare your wife. Right? Who knew you needed that?

This is completely not the point of this review, but I love that they ended it with, thank you. I know, I did too. I love that they ended it with, thank you. I know, I did too. I noticed that. Just putting a thank you out there. It's like how I always tell the robots. I don't know who they're thanking, but I'm glad.

I always tell the robots just in case, you know, like chat, GBT, any of them. I'm like, thank you. Just because I'm like, you never know. Yeah. I try to do that with A-L-E-X-A or S-I-R-I. I will admit I've been a little less kind to siri lately um so maybe i should start implementing my thank yous again ssris i might have but i don't think i did but i wouldn't have been surprised if i did i was like wait you should be nice to your

ssris too because yeah those two yeah They're nice to you, you know? Yeah. Sometimes. Oh, God. That was good. You got a lot for that challenge. Yeah, I was surprised because there were a few emails. A lot of them didn't fit.

So I feel bad not using them. But I was like, oh, it's like I want to try to get as close as possible because otherwise I felt like. But I think what opened it up was i did yelp i did um trip advisor and then amazon is where i found like at least three of those and i was surprised and like matt and jen had one from amazon i was like because originally i was just thinking in the context of like in stores at a location but it worked out you even found one where they snuck up and took

a photo of the person that one i thought that was that gets bonus points that was that was my that was the first thing i found i did like just snuck up on and it was right there and i was like perfect it's gonna go great and then it took me a long time before i found any more after that oh god oh anyway yeah you say goodbye because i'm yawning i say hello hello hello goodbye everyone thank you for being here um you can follow us on on uh social medias at beach to sandy we we also post uh tiktok videos of our video recordings of these episodes. Um, so at beach to Sandy on their, uh, Patreon, we got a big Patreon meeting coming up.

Hopefully we've got some exciting new stuff for them. So sign up there, patreon.com slash beach to Sandy, find our merch beach to Sandy dot store. And hopefully soon we'll maybe have some tour dates for you for this year. We'll see. Um, we'll see.

Look out behind you. Keep your fingers crossed. You never know if we're rolling on through. Yeah. We'll come to your town and say boo. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dog production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer.

It's edited by Marco Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.