Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 269: Reviews of Hot Sauces

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

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This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late,

do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if i could hello everyone welcome to beach you see any water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. I'm Zandy. We got 269 for you today.

This was reviews of hot sauces. And someone suggested we do like our own hot ones where we try the hot sauces that we read reviews of are you fucking kidding me i'm the whitest person you think i can handle that shit i can't i can't handle like medium i get like a two at when i'm feeling like extra bold that's spicy yeah for you yeah i'm an indian restaurant i'm like let's bold. That's spicy, yeah, for you. Yeah, from an Indian restaurant. I'm like, let's stick it, let's do it too. Our dad, however, is broken and he gets like 11 and is like, oh, I can't taste anything.

And I'm like, well, and then I realized later on, he and I talked about it and he found out that like something was wrong with his taste buds or something. Because he said like he stopped eating really spicy stuff all the time and like he started to taste things that he used to not be able to taste um so i think he really just you know effed up his own mouth but uh i'm not really a big hot i don't mind hot sauce i'm like chalula is my friend. That's about as far as I go. Like Cholula, I'll take it. At Taco Bell, I like the fire in very limited amounts,

but I usually go for the hot. Me too. Hot sauce is my go-to. That's about my level that I... I would try others, hotter ones, but it's just not something I normally would seek out because I pretty much assume I'm not going to handle it well. It's not fun for me. It hurts.

Owie. I'm not going to prove anything because. I'm glad you said owie because I wasn't sure what you meant by it hurts. Physical pain and mental and emotional anguish. But also I have been in trouble for eating a lozenge on the on my other podcast i'm not and i mean like trouble like like ganged up on what oh you know rightfully so people have miso misophobia whatever that thing where they can't hear people eat it freaks them out i get it one time i apologized for it and then i there was a comment saying

christine apologizes and then right at the end, she starts eating the rest of the episode. And I'm like, I wasn't, I was just had bad sinus issues that day. I don't know. Like I went back and watched the video. I was like, I'm not eating anything.

So eating hot sauce is sure to ruin people's opinions of me and our podcast. Also, I think the noises that would come out of me, um, out of my mouth and potentially other places would not be worth it for you all for you listeners uh if we did something like that i mean it's m's dream to be on hot ones like m's ultimate dream and this was started before they had you know all these like big a listers like back when it was you know just kind of a youtube series and wasn't as big and was like, I'd love to be on that someday.

So it's more M's vibe. I just was like, you do that yourself. Good luck. Have fun. If it ever happens, I'll watch from afar. You should do it because you'd get so many views crying and squirming and collapse on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. It wouldn't end well.

You'd be hot miked in the bathroom have you'd be hot miked in the bathroom i'd be hot miked in more ways than one yeah so anyway here we go uh speaking of taco bell i'm gonna start okay okay this is a review was sent in by aaron she her and it's a taco bell bottled hot sauce from walmart it's a one-star review verified purchase by Joseph. The title is The Bottle Shattered in My Hands. Ah! I bought...

See? Noises like that are the kind you can come to expect if we start eating hot sauce on this. I bought a dozen bottles of the hot taco sauce. Two bottles, when I received them, were shattered. I thought this was only a refund issue, so I put off complaining about it. After I enjoyed a couple bottles, I decided to open another bottle to pour onto my cheeseburger hamburger helper. As I tried to open it, it suddenly shattered in my hands. A jagged piece

pierced my right hand near the base of my thumb. I couldn't stop the bleeding. I drove to an emergency room and got six stitches for my laceration. This happened on February 24th and I still have nerve damage, which fortunately has improved considerably. I submitted a complaint to Consumer Product Safety Commission, which forwarded my complaint to the manufacturer. They have never responded or contacted me. I have never thought to sue anyone and I have never mentioned money at all. But I do think they should, purely voluntarily as a gesture of goodwill, pay the probably $200 to $300 for deductibles and or copayments.

Although this is probably an isolated incident, the complete lack of responsiveness by the manufacturer is not. I expect that if any other consumers are hurt by their products, they would be just as indifferent. End of review. And I think you're onto something, Joseph, because I think they would just say it's user error and not compensate you whatsoever. I'm not saying it is user error. I'm just saying, listen,

I don't think you're getting anywhere with this. When I had to go get stitches because of a laceration, because I cut myself when I was trying to cut an avocado, that was very much user error. was trying to cut an avocado. That was very much user error. And then you sued the avocado. But if the knife exploded in my hand, I'd be like, come on. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. Like, unless there's like more, they were, no, no, no. I know you're not saying anything. I was just like trying to like reason this out. Yeah, this is definitely alarming. Yeah, that's kind of scary. I mean, it literally exploded in their hands, which. Unless they're like storing it very, like in the freezer or something.

Like we're putting it in the oven. I don't know. No, they're like, I tried to open it. I banged it on the side of my granite countertop. That's how I open bottles. I hit it with a knife. Or under like hot water, I don't know. Weird.

Oh, man. I hope they got to eat their cheeseburger hamburger helper, though. Probably not. Yeah, me too. It sounds like the emergency kind of took over. Yeah. I kind of want some hot sauce now. I do too.

Now I'm hungry. Like, I want something that would require hot sauce now i do too now i'm hungry like i want something that would require hot sauce okay it's delicious right um my first one hey i have an idea we should taste hot sauces on this show oh my god wait why have we never thought of that that would be so fun i wish such a good idea other people would come up with such great ideas yeah i don't know we have to do all the creative work ourselves classic oh my first one is from jen and matt this is a one-star review of uh bottle da bomb beyond insanity hot sauce so this is uh the bomb i think this is this is on the hot ones. I think it's one of the later hot sauces. It's like one of their main attractions.

Yeah. It's extremely hot. So here is a review. This is a one-star review titled, Ignominious Horror. Is that ignominious? Is that correct? No.

Ignanimate. No. Ignominious. I-G-N-O-M-I-N-I-O-U-S. Ignominious. Oh, I've never heard that. I've never heard of that word. It's like ignoramus, but not.

Oh. They're probably unrelated words. I've never heard of this word before. Deserving or causing public disgrace or shame. Oh, no wonder I've never heard of it before. Yeah, because you don't read your own one-star reviews. You're right. Exactly! Ignominious horror. One star. Ever wondered what a Civil War field amputation felt like?

Well, here's your chance. The smallest dab of this FDA-approved battery acid will give you about 25 solid minutes of ineffable pain and inescapable torture. The gallon of milk won't help. The screaming will help a little, but only in a cathartic sort of way. The screaming helps you pretend you're making progress from the error of your ways, but it's completely optional. Your relatives will look on with a gloomy helplessness

as you flail about like a fish out of water with a hook in its eye, wishing to the dear Lord above that you'd never taken that bite. It's absolute misery and horror. Your eyeballs will burn in your skull, your innards will inflame, and eating will suck for about a day afterward.

I took one bite and got such a case of gastritis. I didn't eat a regular meal for over two days. This stuff should be taken off the market. It is poison. End of review. Oh my God. It reminds me of that review you read last week of the wines that were like, um,

tastes like, uh, liquid metal, hot metal and quartz. I'm like this and it ruins your tummy. I don't know. No, that one, it made your stomach like sparkle, like stars or something. In my head, that's kind of the same thing. I'm like, I don't think I want either of those experiences for my tummy. It's funny that like, I feel like these hot sauce reviews all go and it's either people like this.

We're just like, this is the worst experience ever. Why would anyone like this? Then it's people who are describing the exact same experience, but saying it's a great thing and five stars. Exactly. And then it's the people who say it's not hot enough. I feel like those are the main three reviewers.

I think those are like the only ones, like the only three. Because I didn't find anything but those. I feel like for these crazy hot sauces, people aren't like, oh, you know, like I really appreciated the zest and the flavor notes, blah, blah, blah. It's like either like, oh, I love how this cleared my bowels. I saw one review that was like, yeah, that was like, quit pretending like you can taste different notes of things.

Like this isn't for taste. Okay, we all know it. Stop pretending like you're some sort of connoisseur. It just hurts. Oh my gosh. Okay, I have one. This was sent in by Greta a few months ago, actually. And this is of Papa John's spicy sauce.

Oh. I'm really excited about this one. Okay. About the sauce or about the review? Both. Whoa. One star by Paul. No one told my wife or me about the new, and that's in asterisks,

the new spicy pizza sauce that you change to. Your board of directors and decision-making people need to cater to everyone, in which I mean young group and older group of people. We do not like hot pizza sauce on our pizzas. Please give your customer base a choice between spicy and regular pizza sauce on their pizza or quit with the spicy. Thank you, a used-to-be customer. And let me add this.

You never ever delivered a pizza to us because we were always told that we lived too far out from the store, so we would go to town and pick it up ourselves. That's how much we did love Papa John's pizza, even though Domino's pizza would deliver to us. Just to let you know, thank you for listening and I really hope you will fix this problem. Food, one star. Service, one star.

Atmosphere, one star. End of review. So this person is saying that the default on their pizza was the hot sauce? I'm confused. The default in their stars was how spicy the pizza became. Oh, oh my God. Yeah, apparently they switched to another sauce that's like slightly spicier.

So they're actually saying that Papa John's tomato sauce is too spicy? It's not even a hot sauce? Sorry, yes, to be clear. It was their, yes. Oh dear. Okay. I know I said I was pretty bad about stuff. I'm not that bad.

There's no way. I don't, I mean, maybe they make about stuff. I'm not that bad. There's no way. Yeah, I don't. I mean, maybe they make like a hot, a spicy pizza sauce, but I don't know. Yeah, that's what I was thinking, that they like ordered a pizza and they got the choice. No, I'm looking it up. No, no, there is no spicy pizza sauce. They just changed the recipe and these people are saying it's too spicy. Too spicy.

Which like, there's no way. I'm sorry. There's no way i'm sorry there's no way that they would change it so markedly that you couldn't eat it because it's too spicy um but i love that they're like you need to cater to everyone especially me and my wife because we drove to get it it's like we didn't we drove to get your pizza i'm sorry can you imagine losing me as a customer like i kind of feel bad that it's not what they like anymore, but like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's silly. I think they're going to be okay. I hope so. Here, another one I have, it's of the same one as last time. So after, um, after, uh, Jen and Matt sent that one in, I was like, these reviews are probably great.

I'm going to look for my own. So I found this one. This is a one-star review titled Absolutely Awful Zero Redeeming Qualities. And again, this is of Da Bomb. It's hot as hell and it punches way, way above its weight. Why is that? Because it tastes worse than the worst thing you've ever tasted. It's an experience, but in the same way that long-term food poisoning is.

You'll be able to say you had it, but that's the lone dubious upside. I'm not kidding. You're like, for what? Yeah, then that's so true. Where people are like, yeah, oh man, I had food poisoning. And they tell it like as if it's... Like maybe in seventh grade, it's impressive to eat really, really hot sauce. But I feel like nowadays people are going to be like, that's incredible.

I'm not kidding about the flavor either. It's not like it's so hot you can't taste it. You'll wish you couldn't. But the flavor is relentless and horrific. It will ruin whatever you put it on i swear to you i am not kidding this is a war crime in a bottle if you make the decision to purchase it and you shouldn't you'll at least do it informed end of review wow um i feel like the word the phrase war crime was used quite a bit for hot sauces a little liberally i would say i

would say yeah probably just not quite the right word definitely so wowza yeah man yeah powerful stuff yeah it sounds like it this episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Students, get $100 when you open an RBC Advantage banking account, which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada, Avion points on debit purchases, and so, so much more. Unlock more perks for less with RBC Advantage.

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I love it. Going from like You can just imagine. I've got like da bomb and you've got papa john's red sauce and taco bell sauce i was like those are too boring those are too obvious so funny uh like the the papa john's isn't even a hot sauce it's like just pizza sauce. They just call it hot sauce. Okay, one star. By Joseph. Another Joseph. This is called Horrible.

I am a hot sauce lover. By the way, those are capital. H-S-L. I'm an HSL. What about you? I'm a hot sauce lover. This is the nastiest hot sauce. Pure vinegar. No, I figured. hot sauce lover. This is the nastiest hot sauce. Pure vinegar.

Vinegar. No, I figured. Don't worry. Okay. Just make it vinegar. Vinegar. Vinegar. Just leave me with the Mexicans and their real hot sauce.

End of review. Oh. So. Cool. What makes a hot sauce Mexican? I feel like that has has that well it's just probably from mexico just like peppers i don't know like i mean like vinegar like vinegar as a hot sauce ingredient i wonder if that's a specific oh oh i i don't know tabasco is an american hot sauce so it says i see so like cholula okay mexican hot sauce are usually made with dried chili, some sort of vinegar, water, spices, and other seasoning,

which sounds like hot sauce. What is the basketball? Well, no, they're just saying, oh, the Mexican folks make the real good hot sauce, not this shit from America. Okay. It's basically an inappropriate thing to say. It's like when people say no i love i my

what is that quote like my dentist is a black woman or whatever what are you reading that that's a quote what books are you reading is that oh that was in The Good Place. That's a line from The Good Place. When that douchey guy is like, I'm not racist. I don't have a racist bone in my body. My dentist is a black woman. Okay.

Oh, God. But I just feel like it has that vibe. I was like, you know the Mexicans? And you're like, uh-oh, what's he about to say on the Walmart One Star website? What's he about to say? And then he's like, they make great hot sauce. And it's like, okay. That location for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an alarming thing to come across probably on Walmart. But hey. Yeah, if you see the word like leave, yeah, anyway.

So I was like, wow, that is quite a statement. Hey, I love Cholula and Tapatio. So as far as I know, Mexicans do make great hot sauce. Okay, we get it out sooner. You're so worldly.

I have multiple Mexican hot sauces in my fridge. Not even your fridge. Gotcha. I don't think we even have any Mexicanican hot sauce i know you're so full of shit of course i am don't people know that by now okay here is a one-star review this was sent in by melissa this is of um uh keith's as in keith from the try Guys. Keith's Hot Sauce Trio. So it's a chicken sauce, burger sauce, taco sauce. Wow.

Yeah. So here's a review of the set of three titled Hot Garbage. Cool. My wife and I watched the Try Guys all the time and especially love Keith Eats the Menu. We were very excited to try all three of Keith's sauces. Boy, were we surprised when all three tasted like raisin vinegar dumpster juice. I'd recommend these sauces unless you enjoy licking the floor of a Texas

roadhouse just before closing on a Friday. End of review. And you, I know we've all been there. We've all been there. I will say that is a really powerful uh imagery so thank you for that reviewer yeah but when people say stuff so dramatically like that all three taste like raisin vinegar dumpster juices when they're all three like different ingredients it makes me think something's wrong with the reviewer like I'm like there's something

wrong with your taste buds. Like maybe they have COVID. Maybe they're selling like, cause that seems absolutely ridiculous. Cause they're, I'm reading, I have the ingredients in front of me and they're completely different sets of ingredients. I think they need to look into that. It's raisins. It is.

There's a lot of raisins actually. That's the number one ingredient, all three. That's disgusting. The second in all three. That's disgusto. I know it's not even real, but. The second ingredient is dumpster juice. Oh, okay. No, but it literally, one of them does have raisins. The taco sauce.

Wow. But that's it. So maybe they had the taco sauce. Yeah. They probably saw raisins on there and then couldn't get it out of their own head that it had raisins in it. I don't know. Because now I can't. Yeah, ew.

That's pretty gross. This is from Natalie, and it is a review of Da Bomb Beyond Insanity Hot Sauce. This is a three-star review, but I would say negative, by Chad. The review is Da Bomb and Tastes Like It. I'm sorry, the title. This sauce is very hot,

but tastes like metal mixed with urine. It's fun to give to guests, but not an enjoyable flavor. End of review. Just imagine. It tastes like urine. I love giving it to my guests. Yeah, it tastes like metal mixed with urine.

Hot metal. I just love watching grandma eat this at Thanksgiving. Watching her face, as she pretends to like it. I mean, people, I don't know if you read any of these, but people were like, and then you'll watch for 25 minutes

as they writhe around in pain and try to eat and even drink the expired milk from the fridge. And I'm like, this sounds terrible. Why does anyone want this in their life? I don't know. I don't know. Like they're never going to forgive you for this.

Yeah. It is wild to me. I don't know. I don't get it either. But it freaks me out. My next thing is something I did. It's not a good thing. I apologize in advance, but I'm very something i did it's a not a good thing i apologize in advance but i'm very

glad i did it um i'm stepping in your in your uh on your turf i saw an email from sean he him who said hello parasocial friends first off hello sean first, I was missing Cruise Critic, so I went there and found this post. Shut up. And I was like, almost didn't do it. And then I was like, no, I'm going to do it. I'll never forgive myself for not seeing this first. I know. But I'm excited.

It was after you had gone through some, but I think the subject didn't mention Cruise Critic. So I got in there. You had skipped it. I'll say, despite myself. It was fair game. Despite myself, I'm excited. Okay, good. So, uh, this person, um, C dog is, it seems like a very

SCA prolific, like they're the posts are great. Like just detailing and like actually talking about meeting a different person from cruise critic or something, detailing all the experience, including video of like at these different bars that they went to, um, like when they went ashore and there's a long post with different pictures of different foods and then hot sauce. So deep in one of the posts, there's a review of Matuk's hot pepper sauce.

Okay. And here is what C dog has to say. That hot sauce was like dragon's breath, leaving a fiery trail that even volcanoes would envy pepper emoji, fire emoji. My eyes started to tear up. I started to cough. I tried to make it better by taking a napkin and wiping some of it away. Then I learned a very valuable lesson. Do not, and I mean do not, after getting maybe a little of that sauce on your

fingers, rub your eyes. Then go to the bathroom to pee. OMG, now my family jewels were on fire. Eek! Does Jost Van Dyke have a fire department? Thankfully, the pain subsided and I finished my incredible Mahi tacos. End of review. So I love how it's like, oh. And then I came right back to it once i was um uh once i was

better uh joseph and once i finished the big performance of performance of like putting fire out in the restaurant yeah oh man but yeah that's an island in the um virgin islands Virgin Islands. I love that we got a new exclamation. E-O. What was it? Can you spell that? E-O, yeah. For our next pin? Can you spell it for our next pin, please? Y-E-E.

Oh, this might take a sec. Y-E-E-E-O-W-W-W-W. So four E's. Jesus. Okay, wow, that's going to be a long pin. E-E-O-W-W-W-W. So four E's. Jesus. Okay, wow, that's going to be a long pin. Yee-ow. But yeah, this is such a cool, I don't know, I just love this thread. It's just so many updates.

It's meeting so many people. Oh, yeah. It's like conversations people are liking every post. And even people are saying, tagging and saying, oh, it was great meeting you. Like they're on here saying it was good. As you ran flailing around the restaurant saying my genitals are on fire. Oh, you were the guy screaming,

yeah. I feel like you heard that one. And it's like the whole thread has like so many pages. Like this is 48 pages. I don't understand. Yeah, well. This is another world to me

I respect it though I think I need to yeah stay out stay out though get out of here when I saw it was 48 pages I was like

this must be years of like updates and stuff it was I think less than a month less than a month including like yeah

it was less than a month crazy yeah so welcome to my world it's a beautiful place to be gone i closed it you're leaving oh well i'll miss you until i drag you back yeah i was gonna say this is from jess it's reviews of greenport fire which is a hot sauce shop in greenport new york on the north fork of long island so it's a five-star review and uh it is for that reason a redemption by a local guide the clerk has a quiet demeanor is knowledgeable about hot sauces and i have no idea why he works there. What does he do

when there are no costumers? I don't know if I could do it just hanging out with rows of hot sauce. I guess read a book, look out the window now and then, see if someone found that lost cat whose picture is fading stapled on the telephone pole? Hot sauce. Bought a bunch. All excellent. End of review. Oh, this person had some sort of crisis, it sounds like. Or they thought too deeply about something they've never thought of before.

It's like they took an edible, went into a shop, and all of this occurred in their mind. Yeah. And that sounds like a very edible thing. Like they fixated on the wrong thing. and all of this occurred in their mind. Yeah. And that sounds like a very edible thing. Like they fixated on the wrong thing. You realize like, but they just describe so many jobs. Any job.

Yeah. I'm like, that's what a job is. It just happens to be hot sauce related. Like this time you just wonder about what the cat, if the cat is looking out the window. Yeah.

Sit amongst the hot sauce what else would you do it's just a weird thought to have yeah i was watching college basketball and had it had had had an edible and i realized it kicked in when i was staring and i was watching these like college players and i was like they all are having their own experiences right now And I was like, they all are having their own experiences right now. And it just hit me that there were more college students at other places that were also playing basketball. And I was like, wait, what am I doing? I'm spiraling.

Stop. That depends on the philosophy you believe. But we'll go into that the next time we take edibles together. Can we not? Is that okay if we don't? Okay. Sure. I'll pass on that okay uh my next one is from hannah uh and this is a you don't know i'm gonna do that last my second to last one now is from keisha uh and this one is of mad dog, three, five, seven hot sauce. Um, the label has a bunch of like fate, like bullet holes in it. Uh, and it says this sauce will blow you away. It's a,

Oh, I see. You're looking down the barrel of a gun. Okay. Um, Oh no. Okay. Oh, no. It says, use at your own risk. 357,000 Scoville. Should we have been saying that before? Like, I feel like I haven't noticed what the Scoville is. I feel like not all these say.

You can go. Here we go. Yeah. Do your own work, people. Research it yourself. Here is a review. Five stars. So hot, it almost killed my grandma grandma and she never even tasted it.

Whoever packaged my order of this deserves to be fired. They decided an envelope and some bubble wrap was sufficient. It wasn't in my excitement. I didn't question the undoubtedly questionable packaging. I ripped open the package and took out the bubble wrapped bottle as I unwrapped it to my horror. The broken bottom of the bottle fell onto my hand and carpet. Oh my god! Many toxic fumes cling to the steam, causing an absolute hellish gas to begin spewing from the sink. All too quickly, the horrid concoction filled the air of our kitchen. My sister witnessed the horror and believed me to be exaggerating the suffering my mistake had caused me. My lungs were breached by the tainted air and induced a violent, uncontrollable retching.

I told her to get to safety as i ran outside myself she quickly realized i was sincere as the gaseous death reached her my grandmother believed she was stronger than the toxicity that now filled our kitchen in a brave act she ignored our warnings to see for herself the calamity i had wrought onto our home. Her lungs, weakened by age and asthma, were instantly marred. She nearly fell to the hell smoke's clutches, but in an act of mercy from a divine power, she was able to escape and seek safety in the open air of our backyard. After the shitstorm had lessened, I realized that I still had some of the deadly sauce on my hand. I quickly doused it off with water from our hose, but it was too late. The sauce had inflicted a chemical burn that haunted me for nearly a week after. I was unable to take warm showers and harsh sunlight irritated

my skin greatly. While this sauce almost single-handedly killed me and my loved ones via suffocation, I feel obliged to give it five stars. I knew this sauce would bring me pain when I purchased it, but I gravely underestimated the true power of my foe and have been taught to never make such a mistake again. This sauce has humbled me with its cruel and unapologetic potency. Use caution when handling this product, especially if it comes in an envelope end of

review jeez i mean whoa whoa whoa this is why i'm not into this i'm like this is what would happen to me if i tried to get into hot sauce i just know it nothing good would come of it i would injure somebody and and that's what i'm saying it's like this person left this insane review and said five stars it's like what this is a five star experience i mean the label is like you're looking into the barrel of a gun i feel like they got what they wanted they wanted a really violent experience and they kind of said that they knew what they were expecting or getting into it yeah very self-aware on that front. There you got it. That's, uh,

that's disturbing. I'll be honest. I'd say so. I don't, I didn't understand. Cause I'm like, cause like you said, oh,

in a big mistake I did. And I was like, well, what he should have done is wash out the bottle in hot water. And then you're like, in a big mistake, I washed the bottle, not water.

And I was like, oh no, I'd be screwed. Cause that seems like exactly what I would do. Yeah. But I guess it must've been hot water. If it's like steaming, I don't know. I guess like, oh no, I'd be screwed. Cause that seems like exactly what I would do. Yeah. But I guess it must've been hot water if it's like steaming. I don't know. I guess it carried the oils of the hot sauce.

I don't know. It seems so absurd that I can't imagine it's made up. Like I first read it and I'm like, I feel like this is real. I don't like that. That would. And they have a picture of the hand, their hand with the broken. Oh, I don't doubt it. It fell out the bottom. I don't like that. That would. And they have a picture of the hand, their hand with the broken. Oh, I don't doubt it.

It fell out the bottom. I don't doubt it. I mean, this is basically like it. Sometimes I cut up a jalapeno pepper and my eyes hurt for like hours by, if I touch my, so like, I can't imagine something that's actually created to cause pain.

Yeah. Um, wowza. Wow. Okay. Um, let me see if I have any left. Uh, I have a redemption. Wowza. Wow. Okay. Let me see if I have any left. I have a redemption. This is from Natalie.

And this is of Da Bomb. Beyond Insanity. So it's that same one. Five stars. I'm hooked. I instantly took a dump. This will clean you out. Good stuff.

End of review. What? Reviewed on eBay.com. Imagine you're a seller and you're selling this stuff. Oh, you're like, I've been looking for a new feature to put on the banner of my eBay shop. And then they're like, it cleaned me right out. Took a dump. Oh, man.

Well, I'm glad it did what they wanted it to do i guess so i've got one more this is sent in by hannah this is of the end colon flatline hot sauce and here is the description i'll read that's like i mean come on flatline hot jesus this is a warning and a real warning not like some of the funny we only sort of mean it warnings on other on our other hot sauces this is our hottest hot sauce it combines some of the fieriest peppers in the world for a blazing tongues, torching flavor that will burn everything from your taste buds to your britches. If you're ready to completely flatline,

uh, then this extreme hot sauce is for you. If you're ready to end your own life. Literally. I mean, this is disturbing already. Okay. Yeah.

Uh, I'm going to see how scoville that this is the the peppers in this one what the fuck it says the end flatline hot sauce is made with four different peppers that range from one to 2.2 million scoville so keep in mind that last one was what 350 000 i believe jesus and a 7 million scoville extract no yeah like it's pure oil like it's just gonna burn the shit out of your body like that's the thing is like that's the point like that's weirdly like right they have this extra the purpose of this is to cause you extreme pain it feels like when people tase themselves

yeah yeah but it's like created for that purpose, which doesn't make much sense. Someone just, there's a video on rspicy that popped up that said, felt like death for 24 hours after eating 7 million Scoville the end flat light hot sauce. Here is a review. Here we go. Five stars. I thought I was prepared.

To say I qualify for eating this level of heat is an understatement. Between the chilies themselves in my recipes to the hottest sauces around, I eat them all. However, a good friend of mine picked this up from Tennessee for my birthday. A little context here for impact. I'm a general sales manager at a dealership. We are professionals. I'm trained and I'm pretty tough when it comes to this stuff. I wasn't ready.

I took a very large dip from a plastic fork to check this heat out. And man, I love the taste. Smoky, sweet, and full of heat. I was so amped up, I put it in my tuna melt. Three additional drops. Here is where it gets weird. All of a sudden, my stomach and chest felt pretty hot and upset. I was somewhere between high and sick, but who knows. High and sick?

It sounded miserable. So I go to the bathroom to try and gather myself. All of a sudden, a sweltering heat overtook my body like a raid of fire ants ready to attack an invader. I felt like I consumed the birth baby of a dragon itself. In response to all the assault on my senses, I locked myself in the bathroom and began stripping all my clothes off to combat the heat. There I sit, on the floor over my clothes, sweating like a whore in church. I felt waves of tingles and sensory disarray for a few minutes.

What seemed like an eternity, I laid there, trying to gather myself. Once I came to, I splashed water on my face, washed the gel out of my hair, and begged for forgiveness. I don't know why I enjoyed it so much, but I'd do it again, and so should you. You won't. End of review. I don't know why I enjoyed it so much, but I do it again. And so should you. You won't. End of review.

You won't. Oh, now I have to. Oh, that is, um, and then, you know,

the thing is people are still going to fucking buy it and eat it. They're going to see that and go, I'll try it. Man, what is wrong with you people? Oh boy. What's wrong with all of you? Stop doing that. Yeah.

I don't know. It's, it's, it's not good. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. And I'll leave it to them. Like let them have their weirdness.

Leave it to the Mexicans. Yeah. Who make good hot sauce. I imagine the ones who make good hot sauce hot of the are like no this is absolutely ridiculous stop doing this stop doing this to yourself holy shit get like i imagine the way people describe how it wreaks havoc in their intestines like i imagine my crohn's disease would probably flare up so bad you know what I mean like and not even in a jokey way like I genuinely think it would really upset my insides but maybe it's like you know it somehow resets it and then heals everything oh okay well do they sell it on Amazon or just

eBay you know what I'll get it for you I'll get it in tennessee i just want to make sure you mail it to me in a white envelope with no padding yeah thanks like imagine like like i don't know if people do this but like what if you put a bunch on someone's food without them knowing like could you kill them like i don't know this level of stuff like if you made an entire wing with this, like a chicken wing? Yeah, like what if that person ran out into traffic or something? That would be your first reaction, so yeah. That would be my first reaction, for sure.

No, I feel like this could fucking kill you. Probably. I don't know. Anyway, I don't want to find out. Challenge. Oh, God. I thought you were going to challenge them to do something related to that you have 60 seconds

don't listen to her what was your challenge my challenge was from Ashley was to find reviews of strip clubs where folks talk primarily about the food yes so this is a food heavy episode the first one I have here was from

Mari and it might be Marie again. I'm not sure how the nickname is pronounced, but she said she used to be a dancer at this club called Tens Show Club in Tucson. So she has firsthand experience. Okay. And this place got a three star review from a man named Michael Lemons. Did she provide her own thoughts on the food? So she didn't say about the food, but she did say she, well, sort of, sort of maybe because she did say she watched from stage a man projectile

vomit across the room. Okay, that's enough. I'm not sure if that's food related. That's enough for me. That's fine. Yeah, I don't need to know more and so this is a three-star review by um as marie called him mr lemons alex the door person security manager is the best thing about this place i gave it three stars because of alex it is usually very clean cheap beers however the drinks, the drinks, even at 2-4-1, are priced high.

Change the club into a fun taco bar. Barrels of peanuts. Put some sand on the floor. A bikini club. Remove the pool table. Install a shuffleboard. Basketball hoop game. Nerf magnet darts.

Hire upbeat, friendly staff. Then, if girls desire to go upstairs with guys, no big deal. Treating people like chumps does not work. I'm sure there are things I do not understand. Offer a tasty small bites. Happy hour spread. Free. Two drink minimum, 4 to 6.30.

As it is now, put it out of its slow misery death. End of review. Oh my, okay. And then the owner responded, Hello, Michael. we apologize you didn't have a stellar experience we will immediately address your concerns i'm like will you though i hope not i hope not so they're saying no longer a strip club but kind of like a a brothel man cave oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like it's meant to be and they're like that's how it should work it's

like well there's a reason it doesn't work like that. Also, can we talk about, instead of suggesting they have a dartboard, he's like, how about Nerf magnet darts? Just to be safe. Bars can have dartboards. I hate that so much. And, yeah, Marie was like, so he's just suggesting we pour sand all over the floor, I guess? I don't know. What the fuck?

It sounds terrible. It sure does. Oh my gosh. That sounds like a nightmare place. Yeah, so I love when people like to throw their own hat in the ring and say, I know what will fix it. Usually it's like not a completely brand new business. Usually they have small details that they want changed not you mean like barrels of peanuts and uh i kind of love that i love how also he says remove the pool table like all the

other stuff like put in shuffleboard put in magnet darts uh but just take out the pool table nobody needs that it's like you'd think that could at least stay shuffleboard in a brothel why would there be shuffleboard in a brothel i'm sorry i mean there's sand on the floor am i wrong that it's a brothel now like if but but if they want to go upstairs if they desire to go upstairs with guys no big deal which i imagine it maybe is not allowed right now yeah and i don't think they would want to either way i think they would want you know. Once they see how good he is at Nerf Magnet darts, they're going to be so turned on, they're going to take him upstairs for free.

What on God's green earth are you talking about? You got me there. Okay, so now I have a review from Tracy Sheher, and this is of a place called Cafe Risque. Now, I got a pronunciation for this from tracy thank you tracy it's called micanopy florida and she said not my canopy like i thought it was at first uh micanopy does not look like it should be pronounced that way but here we are um and tracy says this place cafe risque has some very run-down billboards on i-75 that look like a giant sheet is falling

off the sign um so i love when we get like a insider knowledge like this you know like i love to know what the billboard looks like just for my own edification i'm having trouble picturing it i don't know what's um let me see i don't really know what you're talking about with a sheet falling down i mean i think what she means is like like there's a ghost someone pretending to be a ghost no i'm imagining it's like oh a naked lady like a sheet oh okay i don't i mean i don't know maybe i'm wrong maybe i maybe she misspelled something i don't know because i can't find a picture of it. But whatever.

She said, it looks like a giant sheet is falling off of it. I pictured that to mean like a bed sheet is like being like scandalously pulled off of something to make it revealing. You know what I mean? Yep. No. But maybe she meant like, oh, it looks like the billboard is falling apart. Because she said they're run down and it looks like a giant sheet is falling off the sign. So maybe it literally just means it's run down.

Never mind. Okay, well, either way. I feel like I love how there's one person listening who knows what the hell is going on. And she's probably having a heart attack because he's saying everything she's saying incorrectly. Okay, so this is a five-star review by joey i got drawn in by the billboards and wanted to check it out it's not like any adult entertainment club i've been to before there is a hospitality you get here that you don't get in bigger city clubs good size menu beautiful women and from what i counted there was five dancers to around 10 patrons. Not a horrible ratio. Alice was wonderful. Half therapist, half dancer. Builds a great rapport with customers. Lap dances are a very unique setup I haven't seen before.

Do you think she's like in a therapist chair? And she's like, this this is not stop trying to get me to sit on your lap i've never seen this kind of lap dance but it was an enjoyable experience alice did not throw a cheesecake at me 24 hours full nude 10 out of 10 would go again if in that area end of review and there's apparently zero context for this cheesecake thing i was gonna say is this what happens in therapy normally or at other at other clubs um where whoa is it maybe it's an inside joke between the two of them oh are you know which is kind of cute jokes with your therapist i don't think so oh really why not i don't know because probably because i never had one with a therapist and so i feel left out i feel like i probably have one with my current

therapist who i have to leave is it about soon which is sad um oh yeah when you leave can i take can i go there yeah absolutely um just kidding Just kidding. That would be wild. I highly recommend it. But yeah, actually don't. That would be weird. But yeah, now I'm thinking I might not seek a new therapist. I might just go to a strip club once a week. Yeah, well, just look for the- It might be less expensive. Maybe.

Look for the rundown- I mean, it's just singles. How many singles do I need? Well, I mean, if you're going to also eat there, that's what depends. You know, I'm going to be honest. I don't think I'll find anything that is vegan. I don't know. Unless I find the right strip club. But you do think you'll find good therapy, good mental health. Okay. I mean, you know what? Whatever you say. I'm, you know what? Whatever you say. I'm, you know what? Only one way to find out.

Oh, okay. Well, keep me updated, I suppose. Will do. All right. Now I have another redemption, also of Café Risqué, but this was sent in by Lauren. And this is a five-star review by Amber.

I love the feel of this place. The girls make this place feel homey and easygoing. The food has a good southern style. Tits and grits really is a good explanation for the atmosphere. Most definitely coming back. End of review. Tits and grits? Tits and grits.

Like, what more do you need? Oh, that's so good. They should put that on the fucking billboards. If they're falling apart, they need to redo them. Yeah. Tits and grits is gonna... I'm in. Hit home for people, I think.

I can just see you. I can just see you now. Do you serve vegan grits? Are your tits and grits vegan? Do they contain any dairy? Oh, butter? Oh, okay. Can I get it without the butter?

No? Oh, okay. Can I talk to the chef? I'll just have the tits then. Can I talk to the therapist? Okay. I'll just take the tits uh are they free range okay this is from abby and it's a review of lace adult entertainment it's a five-star review by alicia amazing food had the calamari app fried to perfection with a homemade marinara sauce that would make my grandmother cry.

I imagine for multiple reasons. Because it's too spicy, like the popcorns changed their recipe. Actually, maybe. That makes more sense to me. maybe cry because you're eating you're comparing her nana's home cooking to um the appetizers you're eating in a strip club yeah i don't know but you know maybe maybe she'd be proud of that i don't know they must be pretty good amazing food had the calamari app fried to perfection with a homemade marinara sauce that would make my grandmother cry. The penne alla vodka was creamy and seductive, and the mixologist behind the bar made me the best martini I've had in years.

It was truly a culinary experience I'll never forget. Also, the boobs were nice. End of review. I love how everything is creamy, seductive, perfection, and the boobs are nice. Yeah, that's so true. But they spelled it B-E-W-B-S. Oh, wow. Also, the boobs were nice.

The boobs. The boobs were pretty nice. The tits and grits were to die for. Oh, my gosh. This is so great. I love that there are so many of these reviews. This is such a fun thing. I'm really intense about the food, which I love.

I guess as someone who doesn't really ever frequent a dance club or a strip club i can't imagine being drawn in by the food like this but yeah i i okay i think portland is per capita has the most strip clubs of any city in the u.s is a fact i'm pretty sure i knew that at some point i could be actually wrong, but I think that's a thing. So since Portland, I bet there's a vegan strip club. I'm sure. You know, like with all vegan food. I could see that. I need to go.

Well, I've never been to one, so I don't know. It sounds not like my scene. It sounds like a place I'd be very nervous in, you know? Yeah. A lot of Catholic shame that is deep inside me that I'm trying to rid myself of. So maybe it's a good thing. Therapy! Therapy! It's therapy!

Can you save it for your lap dance? Because I don't need to hear it. Talk to your dancer. I will. She'll help you out. I will. It's like, oh, please don't touch me. I just need to talk.

Please, please. Yeah. Now that does seem like a plot point in a sitcom. And it probably is. help you out i will it's like oh please don't touch me i just need to talk please please yeah now that does seem like a plot point in a sitcom um and it probably is uh okay so i have another redemption because people just love the food at these places i love that good i know man they're this is my last one um and this is from abby it's of rick's cabaret new york which seems to be hopping. There were a lot of reviews of this place. Sorry to interrupt, but I just Googled Vegan Strip Club.

And the world's only vegan strip club in Portland, Oregon. No way. Casa Diablo. And it says, last searched three months ago on your browser. Yeah. True. This is a four-star review by Elle. Here we go.

My coworker took me here in the middle of the day as a joke, but honestly, don't knock it till you try it. They have a lunch special for $15, and you get enough food to feed two people, plus a special for $8 a drink. Nice. Everyone here is super duper friendly and we're probably going to be back next week or something. Maybe it's because we're two girls? Who knows? They do a punch card for lunch and it only takes four or five lunches to get you a free one. I got a chicken parm and quite frankly,

it was one of the best chicken parms I've ever had in my life Finally, a place that puts an adequate amount of cheese on fried chicken It came with spaghetti, but I was so full on the chicken and the onion soup that I couldn't even touch it It was still hot by the time I put it in the to-go container The dessert was okay I got the chocolate lava cake It might have been because I was getting over a cold, but the lava didn't taste too good in the to-go container. The dessert was okay. I got the chocolate lava cake. It might've been because I was getting over a cold,

but the lava didn't taste too good. The cake and the accompanying ice cream were tasty together, and again, I can't believe I got all this food for a whopping $15. Also, I get that it's a bar slash strip club cabaret thing, but I was seated in a particularly dark spot, and I like to at least be able to see the shape of my food, so that's why I had to dock a star. Additionally, I'm somewhat sad because I'm

reading other reviews and apparently the special used to be $10. One last time, if y'all saw how much food you get for this deal, you'll realize this is a really great place. Obviously, the music is great here. End of review. And then a business owner said, I'm glad to hear you had a good time. Come back and see us anytime. Man. I'm hungry. I'm so hungry.

I'm so hungry. Oh my God. I can't even stand it. I need to go eat. I know. We've been here for three hours pretty much. Oh my God. Oh my gosh.

Sorry. Yeah. That's all I could think of I was so hungry reading this Like lava cake Oh my goodness okay Also I love like my co-worker brought me as a joke I'm like did they?

It doesn't sound like a joke It sounds like a great time That's the reason I was brought to Hooters for the first time That's true As a joke and I was like what's the joke That I was brought to Hooters for the first time. That's true. That is true. As a joke. And I was like, what's the joke? That I'm straight?

And that is actually what the joke was. And that was the joke. That was literally the joke. Yeah. In hindsight, it was pretty funny. I mean, you tell the story a lot. So it had to have at least been funny at the time. Just me sitting there trying to order my food and Logan's like giggling at me.

Snickering. I'm like, what do you, like, it's, I don't know. That's precisely, I mean, that's what I picture every time you talk about it. It was pretty funny though. Well, thank you for getting me excited for hot sauce and food because I'm going to go eat something. I'm so hungry. I have to leave. Me too.

Thanks all for being, y'all for being here. If you want all the list of things that I would promote, listen to the end of the last episode because I don't feel like doing them again. And we'll see you next week. Or just like go to our show notes. Oh yeah. Those are down there. True. Yeah.

Go follow us places. Thanks y'all. Bye. Bye. Bye. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet is a is a forever dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Marco Padilla, cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White,

executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever dog productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm.