Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 290: Reviews of Fake Plants

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

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and highly rated drivers. Add your team to your Uber account today. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me I wanted to like this podcast but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beachty Sandy Water Show at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

My name is X-Teen. My name is Zandi and today we're bringing you reviews of fake plants along with my challenge which was reviews that mentioned witnessing an employee quitting or getting fired. So it's gonna be a wild time. It's a wild time because when we, so now on Patreon, I know I've mentioned this a couple weeks ago, but we have a calendar that we release

before the start of the month to show everyone what the upcoming themes and challenges are in case they wanna submit reviews. And when Zandy and I were making the first ever one for June I saw fake plants and I was like I'm gunning for fake plants hot-air balloon rides Also, but fake plants. I was like this is gonna be good. It's just so specific, but there's so much out there I figured it would be it. Yeah, you're right. And it's so strange that this is like, I don't know that we It fits so well like it's like surrounded by fake plants right now, by the way, like one two

There's one there. That one's real and that one's not Anyway, yeah, I uh, one of them's alive. Guess which They all look they all look so fake. So can't tell I mean, real. Even the live ones. You can always tell which one's real because it looks so sad and depressed and scraggly. Like my healthy one, I mean, I don't have healthy ones. My healthy ones are all fake ones

because they're not real, but it's okay. Actually, the one you gave me is still going very strong. Yeah, I'm impressed by that guy. I was like dedicated to taking care of that one. And I've I've done well so far. I'm impressed. I'm impressed right now. If it dies tomorrow, I'm still impressed. Don't worry. No pressure. Good.

Like pressure is now officially off. You can stop taking care of that plan. Oh, thank God. It's about time. I said it. I've been waiting. You know, I've been holding it in my back pocket. So hard. Yeah, I got it. I thought it would be great for you. I have no idea when I gave that to you.

I'm gonna pretend it was before Leona. I don't think so. I thought it would be a nice way to learn about parenting, really. If it's older than Leona, that means I've been raising that plan for years, which is crazy. Yeah, now that I'm saying it, I'm like, I don't think that plan is like three years old maybe I'll ask him later maybe okay

why don't you go first first I have a review this is of the go plus fake snake plant two-pack 36 inch tall artificial potted floor plant, large faux Sansevieria plant with six inch pot and 20 pieces leaves for living room, house, modern office, indoor decor. It is two fake snake plants that are 36 inches tall, three feet. They could have just said that, but that's fine. Yeah, they say too much. Is that really three feet? Okay, I guess. Oh, it's like the very tip of the longest one.

Yeah, technically. That's pretty funny. Stand up really tall, yep. Okay, here's a one star review. And I'm just gonna say this ahead of time. This is not a verified purchase. This person did not buy this plant. Here's their one-star review. Why don't you buy a real one? LOL. A real one is only $25. It's huge, can fit in a 13-inch pot,

and they are impossible to kill. You only have to water once every couple weeks, and they can use artificial or real sunlight. So silly. End of review. Why don't you go buy some artificial sunlight, set a schedule to water your plant, take care of it, make sure your cats don't eat it, make sure you find the perfect spot for it in your home. Like, go away. I hate when people act like this.

Why bother leaving a review for it? It's so bizarre. Why even bother? Like, how do you stumble upon this? Get a hobby. It's so annoying. I like fake plants and I like real plants, okay? It's fine.

There's a place for both. If you wanna feel better about yourself, sometimes a fake plant's the way to go, all right? I don't know why you're complaining. Do you wanna hear the other review that they wrote? Yeah. This is of Reef Men's Fanning Sandals. It's just a pair of flip flops

that are, they have like arch support. And they look like they have arch support. That's the biggest insult ever. They also have a bottle opener in the sole of the shoe. Oh my God. Okay. So like that sums it all up pretty, pretty well. That's probably, well, that's probably how they ended up with the art support. They're like, well, how do we fit a bottle opener?

Well, we can just shove it in and say that it's art support. Just push the middle in. Well, here's a one-star review. Too tight, end of review. That's it. I don't know, I thought it was funny that they have two reviews. One of this like bizarre bottle opener flip flop

and fake plants that they never purchased. That's just weird. It's like they went on Amazon for one day. It's not for me. Like they left a note for everyone and then said, nah, I'm done. You're so right. Didn't work out.

Well, I have one here. This is actually a Google review from, you know the store Asda? I only know this because I listen to some British true crime podcasters, but it's a grocery store. I don't know why I had to specify true crime. I listen to actually a lot of British podcasters, whether they're true crime or not, but they will talk about Asda, and that is a supermarket over there.

So, this is a one-star review of a verified purchase. Somebody had purchased this plant at Asda and this is from Kirstie, she her. Here we go. Plant set into pot wonky. First of all, when I say that out loud, it doesn't sound like a real sentence, but yeah, there's, you know what, you're right, it doesn't, but I let it sit and I was like, oh, okay, it's sitting wonky. Do you get it? Like plant was set into the pot wonky.

Okay. Plant set into pot wonky. Firstly, it's not that real. Okay, now that you said it again, after saying it doesn't sound like a sentence, it sounded less of a sentence. Plant set into pot wonky, it sounds like you were saying some sort of weird riddle like I think Leona has like said that before That's something that she would hear and laugh about

That's funny I can tell oh my god Plant set into pot wonky firstly. It's not that realistic looking I wanted a center stage in my house, but get it was too fake looking so have to relocate it elsewhere until I can get through to Asda. The plant itself is sturdy and is well set into the fake soil, however mine has been set in wonky. All stems are fully straight and parallel with each other, but they're all wonky out of the pot. To be able to stand straight I will have to wedge something else underneath the pot and hope it doesn't fall over.

I've tried on three occasions to get through to customer services, being on hold for over an hour each time, but had to give up as I needed my phone. I know there's a lot going on at the moment, but there's also not picking up complaint emails, telling customers to ring instead. Not ideal, especially as I've got a faulty frog trampoline to speak to them about as well. And they're currently not accepting returns to their shops, end of review. What?

I took everything in me to get that last sentence out. I took everything in me to let you finish speaking, because I was like, I feel like we're at the end. That's why I rushed through it. Is that a thing that I just don't know what that is? Considering I've got this faulty frog trampoline, I have no fucking idea. Is this-

I have no fucking idea. Are all the British people like, please you Americans, like you don't know what a frog trampoline is? You've never gotten a faulty frog trampoline? I don't know what a frog trampoline is. That took me so by surprise, because I was like, oh, this is kind of funny.

And then I saw that and went, well, looks like, looks like we need to discuss the fraud trampoline. Okay, there's a like little children's trampoline. Maybe it's like a small- On Asda? No, wait, yeah, trampolines for kids, yeah. Asda sells a lot of trampolines. What the fuck is this place?

They sell so many- That sounds, does that not seem suspicious for some reason? And I don't know what reason. Were they in the trampoline game? Oh no, this isn't, wait, direct.asda.com slash George. Who's George? Yes, George, so I don't know, I have no idea. But I will say that this review that I just read

has a thing that says, like, receive George rewards. So this must be like some brand under the Asda umbrella. Who's George though? the King George. Oh It's probably the only George that's ever existed over there Join now we'll give you 100 points. Oh Now I get it Yeah, I was like I typed in what are George rewards and they And they're like, want to find out? Come and get them.

Come and get them. We're not telling you what they are. In fact, you may never know. George's profile picture has pride colors. Oh, that's nice. George's profile picture? George at ASDA. And it just says George with the pride pride colors like on the rim. Oh

Just as George period. I have no idea But they love their rainbow capitalism just like us. I love it like we do Okay. Yeah, so that just must be a There maybe that's the frog. Maybe that's like their mascot. I don't know Like I have no idea like it's not like telling you anything. It's actually not helping at all. I don't know. So we're probably going to get emails.

That's fine. I'm not going to read them. So yeah, the frog trampoline is still defunct. Can you imagine how sad that is? Set in a wonky plant and a frog trampoline. I'm surprised they didn't describe the trampoline as wonky, they used wonky so much. I was hoping that would get a little more detail.

I expected at least one more wonky after the last wonky. It felt like it was really front-loaded, this review with wonkies. It wasn't also, I feel like this is kind of misleading. I mean, maybe they're saying it like, well you know about that frog trampoline I'm still trying to get rid of. Maybe everyone just kind of knows already.

They're like, oh right, well you're still dealing with that frog trampoline. We all know about that. You and me, we're just not with it, which is not a surprise. Wow. Okay, my next one is one I found on Amazon of artificial hanging plants for shelf,

four pack fake potted greenery, faux eucalyptus vine, mandala vine, string of pearls, pea pod leaves in pot for office living room, bathroom, indoor outdoor decor. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if that's the same one, but I bought literally a pack of four on Amazon, so it could very well be the exact same one.

It looks like it could be 100%. Well, here's a one-star review of it. Verified purchase. They stink! I didn't expect much for less than $5 per plant, but oh my God, the smell. One of them in particular is far worse than the other three, but they all smell like they've been in a house fire. They've been immediately relocated to the trash can outside, not even worth attempting

to return on. If you're anosmic and hate the people you share a space with, then these plants look slightly unfaked from about 10 to 15 feet away, but the stench is able to thoroughly penetrate a 2100 square foot house in a matter of minutes. End of review. So just don't go anywhere near the plant. Yeah, just keep them or unless you're an anosmic, which I've never heard that phrase, but it's like commonly described as it's basically, it's also known as smell blindness, the loss of the ability to detect one or more smells, according to Wikipedia. I knew someone who had that.

And it's temporary or permanent, so much like all those COVID Yankee candle reviews. You know what? Did you buy this during COVID times? Maybe you couldn't smell how stinky it was. Maybe that is why nobody comes over anymore. And I just put four plants out. I didn't realize all the square footage of the house

just got totally inundated with this smell. I mean, that's why I tell myself, it just stinks in here, that's all. Yeah, I don't think mine smelled bad. I don't recall that being an issue. I am one of those people that, like, to an extreme that's unhealthy, I research everything I purchase.

Like, I read every review. Like, I take things too far when I'm researching even the silliest little item. So I'm sure that I aggressively read all the reviews before I purchased these ones. And made sure they were not smelly, but... Well, what alarms me is that there was one that smelled more than the others,

which to me for some reason that's unsettling. I don't know what that plant's experience was. In the real world. How is that possible? What is it about? Because they seem to be made of the same material. Just different. Yeah, it's like that one gets sprayed twice

with asbestos or something by accident. Yeah, the asbestos. I don't know. That asbestos-y smell that I'm so familiar with. Yeah, yeah. That's a thing. It's like how I love the smell of gasoline, you love the smell of asbestos.

We all have our little quirks. We all have our things. Can I just say, I look at Discover Similar Items, I would bet money this is not the exact same one you bought because there are so fucking many. I think I probably the one I've got some are four some are six some are two so when I bought probably doesn't even like exist as a page on Amazon anymore. That's because I bought it three years ago. I feel like they Amazon's just so

creepy like that. Like that's like the label just disappeared. Like all the same plants but like different combinations but like yeah also four of them multiple times so I don't know what's actually different maybe different sizes Christina I keep hitting show more and they just keep showing them to me yeah I mean yeah that's what's gonna happen there's so fucking many though. Okay, I'm done. No, mine was a three pack, sorry. There you go, okay. Well, there are a ton of those, so.

Oh, wow. Well, I typed in eucalyptus in my search history and apparently I've had five orders matching that word. And I'm like, what have I bought? I try not to buy so much on the internet. Could be soaps, shampoos. Not trying very hard. Could be a koala or koala feed a koala

Do order my koala feed on Amazon? That's true. Yeah Yeah, anyway, let's get back to this so I have a review here this is sent in by Jamie he they Who wrote I also got a little bit creative here I hope you don't mind but on Walmart the subject headings of some of the fake plant reviews called out to me. They were very bleak and weirdly affected me, so I took the liberty of making a poem out of them. And so I'm just gonna read you the list. It's beautiful, Jamie.

It's a poem, but it's basically just- The way you said that, it sounds like you're talking to Leona. You're like, oh, Jamie, it's so beautiful. Jamie, I'm really proud of you. I'm gonna put this up on the fridge. The way you said that it sounds like you're talking to Leona you're like Jamie it's so beautiful Jamie I'm really proud of you. I'm gonna put this up on the fridge and I just need you to know Like every line is just a different heading of a review on Walmart.com of a plant of one particular every line is another heading

Wow, I can't wait. Okay, okay Not enough I was deceived of one particular fake plan. Every line is another heading. Wow. I can't wait. Okay. Okay, here we go. Not enough. I was deceived. Cute, but arrived shattered. Broken in pieces. Broken on arrival. Ug.

No. No! Not worth the money. Hideous after just a short time. Shorted absolutely terrible. My own fault. I need more. Not satisfied, lifeless, very disappointing little tree.

End of poem. That was beautiful, I told you. Wow. I'm clapping. You can't hear, but I'm clapping. Yeah, isn't that nice? And then there was also an actual review that Jamie picked. This one had the title, Dissatisfied Customer,

not really as catchy as the poem. But this is a review of the home. Oh, this one's from Home Depot, apologies. The Home Depot Palm with bamboo vase. One star. This plan is not worth what I paid. It's so small, my one year old literally picks it up and hides it in his room, shaking my head.

End of review. This is thievable by a toddler. He better tie it down or glue it to the table or something. I don't know. What the heck? Like a one-year-old just learned to walk. So they're like, like toddling away with it. It sounds like your toddler wants his plant in their room.

I think that's fine, right? I mean, those worms aren't eating it. Silly. I mean, it's covered in asbestos, but other than that, it's fine. Oh God, it stinks. Toddler's doing you a favor. Yeah.

My next one is from Jess, and I need to send you pictures for this one okay okay because the review is basically about you know expectations oh okay here he goes this is of the Zippolo crochet cute potted plants, car rear view mirror accessories, hanging handmade knitted decor for men, women, for men, women, women, sorry, for women, men, which I'm like, what? Woven cute charms, ornament pendant,

car accessories, interior aesthetic. Basically, it's like a little hanging potted plant for your rear view mirror. Yeah, and it's crocheted, yeah. So let me send you a picture of what they're advertising. Like a macrame thing? Sure. Like, yeah, it's like a crocheted macrame.

Like it's, yeah, like one of those hanging, well kind of, doesn't look that close to that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, I'm sorry, I misunderstood. No, it is not a macrame plant holder. It is like an actual crocheted flowers and plants. It's fully crocheted. Everything is crocheted. The whole thing is including the flowers.

But it's funny because their other one that they have, their other option is one of those macrame hanging things with a crocheted pot. I see. That is kind of the aesthetic that they were going for. Okay, so this one's actually like a crocheted, like it's, I see. That is kind of the aesthetic that they were going for. Okay, so this one's actually like a crocheted plant. Oh, I just sent you the wrong one first. Okay.

You know why? Because I took the wrong pictures. Here's the ad. Okay. Now I did it reversed, so let me just read this for you. I feel silly now. Just read it for me. One star. This does not look like the picture.

It's four balls at the top and just strings with lumps hanging down. I gave this as a gift and I was so embarrassed and the string was so short, it doesn't hang in the car. End of review. And when I tell you, the way they fuck this thing up,

it's so ugly. I'm sorry. And we're gonna have the, you all, sorry. I know this is not very good for most people listening, but you can look up the Crizzipolo crochet. And there's, it's the one. We'll put it on Instagram and YouTube. We'll at least put it on the YouTube,

put it up like for viewers. Wow, Zandini, that's rough. It's so fucking, and that was for Jess, by the way, if I didn't say that yet. I mean, if someone bought me a handmade craft from Amazon, I feel like I'd be like, well, what did you expect, really? But that's, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, not that I, you know, it's just like,

I kind of fear like I already have low expectations from Amazon, and then when you say like, it's handmade, I'm like, well, I don't know who's doing this. I also, the what, the what I got versus what they, what the product description, the what I got has, the string is literally this big.

You could not put that on your rear view mirror. Like what's the point? You know what you could do though? You could give that to a friend and say, I made this. Cause if somebody made me that, I'd be like, that's beautiful. Like I'd be like, that's so nice. You're learning to crochet. You know, you could pretend you made me that, I'd be like, that's beautiful. I'd be like, that's so nice. That's so true. You're learning to crochet.

Wait, that's hilarious. You could pretend you made it. I will say, that is a cute gift, to crochet. I think it is, yeah. Because I have some very talented friends who, and you are actually one of them who can be crafty and create these things. You should see my face. I was like, I am?

Yeah, you and your cricket, the things that you do with that. You should see my face. I was like, I am. Yeah, like you and your cricket, the things that you do with that, I'm not even kidding. And then, yeah, and like D has made me like different like needle point things. Is that what it's called, right? With the picture. Yeah, or cross stitch. Like all that stuff.

And I just find it so like impressive. It's a nice gift idea. This one is just a new one to me. Like that, like a hanging rear view mirror thing. I mean, I don't have a car, so don't get me one. And I'll also say, I can't stand when there's something hanging there. It like distracts me so much.

Maybe it's not for everyone, that's true. So don't send either of us one. But I mean, no, but like you could hang it on something else, like a little lamp or like a ornament. I don't know. It's cute, I mean, it's very cute, but it's not what they ordered. Like I cute. I mean, it's very cute. But it's not what they ordered. Like I can say with certainty, that's not what they ordered.

That's what I was, yeah. Make it, make it, if you can make one, make it for your friends. Yeah. Don't buy, I'm saying don't buy this on Amazon. It bums me out when people say like, oh, I was so embarrassed to give this as a gift. Cause then it's like, well, that means that you were like,

oh shit, now I have to give it. I don't have anything else. And that just must be a terrible feeling. So, you know. You know. It's OK. I'm sure they appreciate it. This is also from Jamie.

That's a weird one, though. If it's not in their car, if it's someone that you're in their car often, you kind of have to put it in. Oh, car. Like if it's someone that you're in their car often, like you kinda have to put it in. Oh fuck, you're right. Like maybe that's just, I don't know how I think of it. Yeah, you'd be like, oh so where's the thing I got you? Yeah.

Oh, but he got, I think for Kevin, she got a, it's a like a air freshener that you put in and there it's like a freshener that you put in, and it's like a turntable, and the record, you can customize what record is on there. So it's like you put whatever record that that person would want as their record. And then when, and you put it on the air vent, and then when the wind blow, the AC's on or whatever, it spins the record.

Oh, that's really cute. Yeah, and it's like a, I think it's an air freshener. Maybe it's not, regardless. It's a cool little trinket. A little trinket. That takes up space that doesn't need anything else there. Why not decorate your space? That's what I'm saying, and it's really,

I like it a lot, yeah. Hint, hint'm saying. And I like it a lot. Yeah. Hint, hint, D. Zandi likes it a lot. Yeah, get me one for my AC unit in my apartment. Oh, yeah, well, just plug it into your window unit. Yeah. Oh, god. OK, this is also from Jamie.

I'm just going to read a collection of these because these are reviews of the Garden Fresh trademark, Faux Mini Lemons by Ashland. Oh no. Yeah, on Walmart's website. So I'm just gonna read two one stars here. They're verified purchases. The first one says,

They are fake, not the real purchases. The first one says, they are fake, not the real lemons. The next one says, returned items, expecting fresh lemons, not plastic ones, refund never showed up as promised. That was by Susan. Now I'm gonna read a one star review by Vivian. These lemons are barely the size of limes. On what planet are these supposed to look like lemons? When I opened the box, I laughed.

I can't use these for decor. They are so cheap looking. Maybe they can be fake food for my toddler to play with. Such a joke. End of review. I mean, they are called mini lemons, I will say. Yeah, I feel like this description has been very accurate in the fact that it's both fake and mini.

And those seem to be the two biggest issues. Those seem to be the, well, now let me throw this one in, which is not in the title of the product. The title is, I ordered lemons, not flies. So yeah, let your imagination run. Okay, now this person might, I don't know what's gonna happen, but was there more to this review? Yeah. Okay person might, I don't know what's gonna happen, but is it,

was there more to this review? Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel like they might have a point. They might. We'll see. This is, you're onto it. I think. Okay. Tracy says, I ordered these lemons for my daughter's pretend lemonade stand. And one of the lemons had a fly shellacked into the lemon. Disgusting. End of review.

I actually didn't expect that. Isn't that nasty? That is gross. I did think it was gonna be like fake flies or something. I did too. Or like a rotting lemon that attracted flies. A real lemon? Yeah.

They got a real one instead of the fake one. No, unfortunately. Maybe people just don't know what like faux means. Like when they're like looking, you know, they might be in their first thought might be like, oh, maybe it's like a type of lemon that I'm not familiar with. Yeah, I guess.

And also it says garden fresh, which does kind of imply that it's a fresh lemon. Yeah, that's fair. That's confusing. Well, there's no confusing this one. This is one that Candy sent in. And it is of CP122, artificial model grass mat, trains, artificial model grass mat, trains, dark green,

40 by 100 centimeters for decoration, kids craft, scenery model, DIY. So basically, it's a roll of fake grass. Like it's like a rolled up thing of fake grass and then you can like cut it. It has trains for like model trains. Like it's used for people with model trains. They can like create the landscape.

That kind of thing. Exactly. I want to get into miniature so bad. I just know that that's such a bad idea. I have so many hobbies already that I've, like I have that ADHD thing where I buy like every, every like cross stitch like supply you could ever need and then I just like lose interest for three years

until I discover it again and I know, I want to do miniatures but like, ah, it would be a bad idea. But. It's the difference between needle point and cross stitch. Oh cross stitch is literally like X's right? Like What's the difference between needle point and cross stitch? Oh, cross stitch is literally like X's, right? Yeah, and needle point, that is a type of,

there's a lot more, there are a lot more stitches you can do with needle point. Got it, I don't know if Dee did needle point or cross stitch. I think they're also very similar, like cross stitches, if you know how to cross stitch, you can like transition to needle point, typically, and vice versa. But I did take a needle point class,

and it's more complicated than cross-stitch. Got it. Then she probably does needle point. And cross-stitch. She does it all. Anyway, here is a review of this fake grass mat. One star. I bought the same crap from Hobby Lobby.

Paper backing, stiff and cheap. Oh, and the green will stain your fingers. And cat. End of review. I was not expecting that. And there are pauses because there are so many, like I would say ellipses, but it's like at least five dots each time.

So this first one, I think there were like seven dots between same crap from Hobby Lobby, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, paper backing. So they were dotting all over. For dramatic effect. I think I wonder if they were typing that out and they were like, steens your your fingers and then they looked around saw their poor cat and were like

And your cat Did you give that energy? The cat thought this was real oh My cats eat fake plants and I'm like that's probably worse for you than eating the poisonous Maybe probably not but maybe I mean I don't know sometimes they will eat like an entire leaf of a plastic plant I'm like that's gonna kill you like there's no way that that's like good for you so same thing I mean she only has fake plants because yeah they would just eat through them and they just eat everything cats cats being cats When I first started using Rocket Money, they let me know that my phone bill was a little

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the girl next door illuminated indoor and outdoor boxwood wreath on QVC. This is not by Valerie as far as I can tell. So not my QVC, you know, but. Amen. Amen, but let me show you the actual image. It's called a ladybug slash bumblebee wreath. Trying to find the picture of it. Sounds cute, sounds cute. Let me of it. Sounds cute, sounds cute.

Let me text it. I do like that also, next to it they have, let me send this real quick. They have a trowel and some gardening gloves as if somebody was hand making this beautiful creation when it's a faux plant. Are those tomato, oh, those are ladybugs. I thought they were tomatoes too. I thought they were tomatoes.

Yeah, they look like Roma tomatoes, but they are apparently faux ladybugs. When you say apparently, you made it sound like apparently they're faux, they're fake. I meant. It's kinda obvious they're fake to me. Yeah, they're pretty obviously fake. Especially because one is the size of a Roma tomato.

I would like to stress that one more time. And I like the description also which says, lifelike boxwood wreath in pollinator shape. Which I guess is what they're calling a bumblebee? Or a ladybug, I'm sorry. Is that what that is? A pollinator shape? I don't know, it's just bizarre, but it also requires multiple batteries

I don't I don't I don't like saying this but that gives the same energy as like Calling someone a breeder. Yeah Pollinator it totally does it totally does that's so offensive QVC. I don't know if I like that. It's kind of greekie Why would you say that why don't you if I like that. It's kind of gricky when you put it that way. It's like, ooh. Why would you say that? Why don't you just say ladybug like a normal person? And it says requires three AA batteries, which, first of all, feels like a lot for just the cell.

And for what? The lights, I guess? For the lights only. Yeah. Oh my god, I hope it doesn't do anything else. What would it do? Sing a song? I mean, Jesus.

It pollinates you. Yeah, it's a pollinator. It lights up, but it's also for outdoors. And I'm like, don't hang that up. It's filled with batteries. I mean, I don't know. Maybe you can put it on the porch. What?

Don't fill it up. It's filled with, It's three batteries. Like what if it rains? I don't know. Christina, there are so many battery powered things that are outside. Like what?

I don't know, okay? A car has a battery. That's not a good example. That's not a good example. Christina, I don't know. People have outdoor stuff all the time that has batteries. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Okay.

Just because you don't. This is a three star review. So we're gonna do negative music for this one. And this is a verified purchase written about a month ago by Tiki Bar. And the title is Pretty Butt, well, not pretty butt. Pretty butt, as in although, however. I think we all knew.

Okay, okay, okay. Pretty butt, and then a bunch of exclamation points. I ordered the Bumblebee and the ladybug. Though both are cute, you can't tell what they are unless you're standing right in front of them. The biggest disappointment is the ring to hang them. The ring is way too small and doesn't fit on any of my wreath hangers.

I've even tried hanging them without using the ring, but then the wreath leans forward and falls off. I don't know what Caroline was thinking when it came to the size of the ring. I've hung them inside on the walls of my home using a large nail, however, they do not go with my decor. First of all, I doubt that, because look at these things.

They go with any decor. They're like those Amazon descriptions of like modern office space, children's room, nursery, doctor's office. We're hanging this inside. Yeah. I'm sorry. A lot of people hung it inside. Yeah. I'm sorry. A lot of people hung it inside.

I don't like it. Okay, I wouldn't like it outside. I don't like it. Well, yeah, it's for QVC. It's for old ladies on QVC. I would not expect you to like it. I know, but I'm just like, oh man. In my head, I was like, okay,

at least they're keeping it outside. At least they're like, like, cause I head I was like, okay, at least they're keeping it outside. At least they're like, because I'm like outside like, okay, it's cute, whatever. Put it on your wall outside. Put it by your shed, I don't know. I thought maybe I'd give you an idea of how people hang this inside, which is so dramatic.

This is probably, I mean, it's the first picture I clicked on. What the hell? Oh, dear God. Yeah, it looks like a shrine to the Lord our Savior. It does. Why? Okay, hold on, hold on. I need to unpack this.

Y'all, we... There's a butterfly wreath thing with fake butterflies on the butterfly wreath. Right. And then there's a wooden panel sign underneath that says For God, but God is very curly written. So loved the world that he gave his only begotten son.

And that's all that fucking wood panel says. Then there are two like sconces with candle, are those candles in there or anything? Yeah, that looks like we're hedging into like Catholic territory. It almost looks like- Oh, hedging. We're hedging into, it almost looks like Catholic territory where they should be holding,

but it looks like they're holding little candles, yes. Yeah, it also all looks crooked, but it might just be the angle. I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna make assumptions. I would need to see a level, you know, here. And then, though, most importantly, there's a little shelf,

a floating shelf underneath the God So Love the World panel with a weird Easter angel holding a basket of eggs. Well first of all, there's a doily. There's a doily underneath. Oh, they're sitting on, oh yes, on a doily. So first there's a doily. And then on the doily is an Easter angel holding a basket of what looks like eggs.

And then there's a giant egg next to the Easter angel. The size of the Easter angel. Very like ornate. Ornate. And it just says he is risen. OK, but also look, the angel is holding a butterfly. Oh, the angel. OK. Thematically, look, thematic when it comes to theming. Regardless of how I feel about the theme, the theming is in, I would say an A minus.

Okay. I think they did pretty well keeping it all within the theme. It's like keeping on track, sure. Yeah, I think it makes sense. Everything else, I'd probably give it an F, but there are some personal biases in there that aren't fair to put onto this person.

Understood. But that he has risen egg is hilarious. OK, the egg, it didn't occur to me that it was. It cracks me up. It cracks you up. Yeah, it is a little bit odd to have this egg say he is risen because it's like in there. Exactly.

Get him out. Is it in there? Yeah, I'm like, I'm confused. Should I crack it open? Incubate. Sit on it. Sit on Jesus's egg. Did Mary lay this egg?

I guess this was after he died. So this was like, he went into the cave. Well, this angel is literally carrying a basket of eggs. So it must mean something. Yeah. Anyway. There's, I'm just like reading things. I'm just scrolling through the pictures on this one.

It's like, I had to get rid of my last wreath because birds kept building nests in it. So I got this one. I'm like, oh, okay. These are just very interesting choices of decor, I would say. Anyway, so I'm going to continue reading this. This is, so she hung it up inside,

but this is a different reviewer. I'm so sorry. But she said that this did not go with her decor. So whatever theme she has going on, it is not matching the Bumblebee. The pollinator, it's not a pollinator theme. It's not a pollinator theme? Unfortunately. Everything I do is pollinator themed.

I know. That's why I'm so surprised you don't love this thing. You know, it feels right down your alley. Yeah, I prefer other pollinators. Name three. thing you know feels right down your alley yeah I prefer other pollinators name three hummingbirds are they aren't they eat pollen does that count yeah but they get stuff they probably are hummingbirds pollinators look look hummingbirds play an important role in the food web pollinating a variety of flowering plants.

Look, they are pollinators. I just confirmed it. They pollinate plants. I don't need to name two more because you just. Fine, then I'm gonna click the dropdown and I'm gonna order you the hummingbird. No. Okay, and you can just get over yourself.

Yeah, so it requires 16 AA batteries, 16 button batteries. And I need you to hang it outside your window. What the fuck is a button battery? Like the watch batteries? Yeah, that's like what babies aren't supposed to eat. I mean, not that they're supposed to eat any of them. But those are the ones that are really dangerous.

But apparently, Blaze just told me that they made, somebody invented them that have really bad taste on them so that when babies put them in their mouth, they don't swallow them. Oh, thank goodness. Pretty smart. So they taste, what you're telling me is the other ones taste pretty good.

Delicious. I might have to try that out. Yeah, they're really good. I hear looking batteries is great. If you get the bacon ranch flavor. Oh, man. Is it vegan though? Of course not.

Oh, man, bummer. Okay. I don't know what Caroline was thinking when it came to the size of the ring. I've hung them inside on the walls of my home using a large nail, however they do not go with my decor. So once the weather gets nicer, I will be moving them outdoors to hang on my shed.

I would love to see more of these illuminated wreaths, but in coastal shapes and designs. Some seashells, starfish, palm trees, but definitely with a larger hole for hanging them. I'm not sure that someone wants a big bumble beer ladybug hanging on the wall of their home, so for this reason, I do not recommend this as a gift. End of review. Amen, reviewer.

Amen, but also like that's so offensive to that lady who has it gigantically on her wall. To like probably the 50 ladies that have it. All the ladies that have this on their wall. Yeah. But yeah, I can't wait to see what the next shape that Caroline, whoever that is. A new pollinator. Yeah, the next pollinator, yeah.

This is gonna be me. Yeah, it's gonna be you. I have a one that was sent in by Erin. This is of pot plant. It is a fake pot plant. That's kind of funny in a weird, unnecessary way. Yeah, it is, it says with its instantly recognizable leaves. Wink, wink.

But yeah, they have different different sizes. They have clone is the smallest at 10 inches, then there's teen, adult, and mother. And mother is a three foot tall pot plant. Okay, here's a little much right? I would love to see what the rest of the decor looks like. I gotta be honest, I think I'd rather have one of those pollinators on my wall than a three foot pot plant in my apartment. Called mother?

Fake pot plant named mother anywhere in my apartment. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I never thought I'd say this, but I absolutely agree. Right? It just seems a little much. Honestly though, this little one kind of cute. You know, like kind of cute. Is that one called baby?

Clone. Oh, what is going on? It's like, I think that's like a term where you like, you make a clone. No, is that not like a thing? Like you have a clipping? Yeah, you do that, but then you make a clone. Propagate it?

I don't think you say that. How to clone plants. Yeah, you clone plants. but then you make a clone. Propagate it? I don't think you say that. How to clone plants. Yeah, you clone plants. Plant cloning is a thing. Well, yeah, maybe in science. It's through asexual propagation. Yeah, plant cloning.

Oh, so that is what it's called. Okay. Yeah, cloning your pants. Cloning my pants. Leave your pants out. Help! Okay, here's what Aaron sent in. This is a one-star review of this 10-inch clone plant.

Here we go. What Erin sent in, this is a one-star review of this 10-inch clone plant. Here we go. Too small for the price. I have to think these plants were made and marketed by a man. I was expecting something larger, but in fact the plant is quite tiny. Oh well, it's not the first time I was promised a 10-inch or only to be disappointed end of review.

Oh my God, seriously? They were like, at the end they're like, in case you haven't got it yet. Yeah, in case you didn't read. What I was trying to say, I'm talking about penises. Oh no. Unfortunately, the owners responded and they did not understand.

Oh no. They still didn't, so here's what they said. Hi, we are actually women owned and led, so we are a bit confused by your comment. We provide accurate sizing and photos for scale on our website. We are sorry to hear you are not happy with the plant. However, we provide as much information as possible

for all customers to make an informed purchase. End of response. That's actually probably the best way to respond. Honestly. I'm gonna skip over this weird nuance you're trying to force down my throat. Sorry, bad technology. I think there are only two ways to do it.

Either kind of like ignore that, like didn't really. They did say like we're women owned, you know like they did like acknowledge it and kind of clearly were like we don't get the joke. But I feel like the other way would have been to completely acknowledge it. Yeah.

And then like made a joke back about that. Yeah. But whatever. I think they did fine. I don't know. Like your eyes are bigger than your wall surface. Hey, now we know it's women owned and led, which is a fun thing I wouldn't have known if they didn't understand that they were talking about penises there.

Yeah, it's a quite wild thing to jump to like, oh, this decor I ordered called mother, just like the penises I always see called mother. There's a penis out there called mother, I'm sure. Oh, I don't doubt that. But it's this plant, this website's kind of fun. They have mistletoe pot plant. They have different, like a pink one. What's it called?

A sunset, it's literally pot plant dot shop. So if you're looking for a fake pot plant, not sponsored at all, wow, the purple mother is $170. Oh, fuck. Oh, I love the mistletoe, that's hilarious. Is that funny? I feel like that's the kind of thing

I would buy and never think about again and then Leona would come home with a letter from the teacher being like, she drew this picture of your decor and it like has pot everywhere. I feel like that's, and I'd be like, oh yeah, that is a pot plant, isn't it? Isn't it so weird to think how much the taboo has changed

since we were her age or, not that I remember it at that age, but like, you know what I mean? Like, it's kind of wild how quickly that must have changed. They have a pink pot plant. I would like this badly now. I want it. I love this as discrete billing.

I'm like, okay, I mean, wow. I get, I mean, look, if they, if someone thinks you're buying pot plants in a state where you're not supposed to, it's probably like- Fair point, it could get sticky. You know. Literally. Ha ha. Okay.

Here. Ha ha ha. Okay. This is my last one, okay? Oh wait. Okay. That was my last one. I forgot to say.

Okay, this is not my last one. I lied. Now that I said that. No. I just was wrong from the start. I know, it's hard to believe. You? Yeah.

Jeez. One Star. This is from Stephanie and it's a review from Amazon You? Yeah. Jeez. One Star. This is from Stephanie and it's a review from Amazon. It's a one star review of some fake plants and the title, it's by Deirdre and the title is So We're Getting Gifts With Our Purchases Now? Okay. They ordered a 14 pack of succulents.

That's a problem. They gave me 15 those fucks. Yeah, well just wait. Uh oh. I'm cool with a gift with purchase, but I'm missing those fucks. Yeah, well, just wait. Uh-oh. I'm cool with a gift with purchase, but I'm missing succulents. Six succulents and a calculator does not make a complete order of 14 succulents

that I was charging for. And they know they did the math with the calculator they got. Jokes on you, I was able to formula this whole thing out. And it says, and it's an old calculator that does work, but has definitely been used. So. That's so weird. It must've, I feel like this is,

I feel like, how does this shit happen? The picture is batshit crazy. I'm gonna send you a picture. It looks like somebody from Back to the Future accidentally dropped their calculator into a box. So our father with his old calculator. Yes, but like less, oh no, that fucking Jesus is risen came back, come here.

He rose again? Again. Another time? It's like how many times do you have to kind of show off? Okay, let me, I'm just gonna screenshot it. What I will say- Is it like those nesting dolls? It's like a nesting Jesus egg? He just gonna screenshot it. What I will say- Is it like those nesting dolls? It's like a nesting Jesus egg? It just keeps being risen?

Ugh, I hope not. Oh. Is that not the wildest thing you've ever seen? This is, like, this is so absurd. It's absurd. It looks so fake that it can't be fake. Does that make sense? Yes it does, because this is a verified purchase

of a 14 pack and the person wrote at the end, they wrote LOL at the end, they're clearly like what the fuck is going on. This is hilarious, yes. So I'm glad they acknowledged that bit. I even have a picture of just the calculator that they pulled out of the box which also just makes me laugh.

And what I say it's like an old calculator, it really looks like, first of all it's beaten up, there's like crayon all over the front of it. It's so odd, I don't understand. It looks like the one our parents had like back in the 90s, you know just like a basic calculator. Yeah like you see them doing their taxes,

all frantic, plugging numbers into this thing. Yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah. With crayons. With their crayons. That's how our parents did their taxes. Is that why they got audited all the time? I guess so. It's so strange.

Well, no, it's because dad would always buy pot plants on the internet. Oh, that's right. And the IRS was like, what is this? And he's like, no, no. It's not what you think. Oh, right. I'm done, so keep going. Okay, this is the last thing I have.

That was my last review, but this is from Lauren Sheher. It's a post on Our Houseplants on Reddit by Weezerstan. Oh no, I'm out. And they're requesting help from Our Houseplants, okay? So this is the post. Uh oh. I'm gonna put, let's put negative music under this. Cause it's just like, it feels like quite a,

quite an experience they're having. Help, I've had a cactus with a real flower myself a few years ago, so I went into the flower shop with the expectation to find one, and it having a real flower? Joke's on me, crying face emoji. a few years ago, so I went into the flower shop with the expectation to find one, and it having a real flower? Jokes on me. I got this small cactus for my boyfriend. He always wanted a cactus, with a small purple flower on top because his favorite color is purple yada yada and he was so happy to get it. Then we were away for almost a month, we come back,

the flower is still there in the exact same condition. Interesting I think, given that they don't usually last that long. Then my boyfriend was just fussing around it and noticed a small drop of something clear or white. He got worried and thought that the cactus is injured and that this is its blood. Okay, first of all, bless his heart, but also, what? Uh-huh. Blood?

He got worried. He thought that the cactus injured. This is its blood or something, and he joked about it looking like glue. Then I was like, hold on. I looked it up, and yes, it turns out it's a very common thing for stores and suppliers to glue fake flowers onto cacti

to make them more sellable. That definitely worked on me, crying emoji. Now we've had it for like one and a half months, I still don't want to tell him that the flower is glued on, waiting for him to leave somewhere for a couple weeks and remove the flower and glue myself and make it seem like the cactus just stopped blooming. Honestly, I'm so mad at this end of post. I feel like this is a sitcom situation where the more you try to fix it, the more complicated and convoluted it's gonna get.

Just say you accidentally bought one with a fake flower. Please don't make a whole fake story about how the cactus is not healthy and that was its blood and that means that it's not. It just feels like you should just come clean. There's nothing wrong. It's funny, because I have heard of that because I'm on the subreddit, our houseplants.

Are you? I am, I do not have a single houseplant, but I'm on that subreddit. Yeah, someone said like, just say it, oops, I found out the flower's fake and laugh about it. Like, you know, it's not a big deal. Yeah, that is such a thing though. Like at the hardware stores and stuff, like when they have those I did not die a lot of the flowers are just glued on

I love this person having an existential crisis wait, but cactuses to produce real flowers though, right? Are they all fake yours probably are review or commenter? I mean mine probably are too. Oh Somebody said they found out their cactus produced a fake, or had a fake flower because it produced a real one, and they were like, wait a minute, that is not what that other flower looks like. That's actually hilarious.

Oh, gosh. Yeah, that's kind of messed up that they do that, I'll be honest, but, and then don't tell you, and then you just like find out later, it's just so shady. But yeah, I feel like, come on, let's all just laugh about it, you know? Yeah, all of us together, all together now.

I mean, let's just laugh at you, I guess, is what I'm saying. I'm having a good time. Anyway, that's all I've got. And the fact that the boyfriend thought it was blood. Okay, yeah, that part I was like, maybe we should just, maybe you two should just go to a biology class,

or like some sort of like fun little plant class and learn about plants and that'll fix it. Maybe. Maybe? Well, let's hope. I don't know. Okay, on to my challenge. My challenge was from Mahaly,

reviews that mentioned witnessing an employee quitting or getting fired. And I'm just gonna go right into it. Here is a review, I will say, I'm not getting right into it. This was like, you know, there were a good amount of results, but it was, a lot of people mentioned getting fired or people quitting without them actually witnessing it. Like it was a lot of like secondhand info.

So I forget if I chose some of those reviews. Here say your honor. Some of them were just like so good that I'm like, OK, I'm just going to keep this, I think. Yeah, who cares? Anyway, here we go. Here is a two star review. This is a TripAdvisor review of Rosie in not Rosie. Rosie's a restaurant in Zionsville, Indiana. Here we go. Wow.

Mm-hmm. Went to Rosie's this morning for the first time since COVID. Unfortunately, we were seated in the back portion of the restaurant where there are only six tables. Normally this would have been amazing, but this morning we were seated right next to a table where two managers were having an intense conversation with an employee.

Mind you, we were there at 8 a.m. when they opened, and there were open tables all over the restaurant. This was the most uncomfortable situation I've been in at a restaurant. I did tell our waitress who informed the managers, one came to our table and apologized. Who turned like this, five degrees, and said, let me tell my manager, he's right here next to you,

breathing down your neck, yeah. I did tell our waitress who informed the managers, one came to our table and apologized and then kept apologizing instead of leaving so we could finish our meal. What the fuck is going on? She came back and did offer to pay, but we did not accept. It was uncomfortable and I hope a learning experience

for obviously inexperienced managers. The employee quit and shook my hand when he left. That was class, end of review. Class? I know, what? What the fuck? Why? Why would they shake your hand?

What did we do? I'm hoping that they were like the manager of the restaurant next door and be like, maybe you can give me a job, I don't know. Yeah, that's so odd. That's the strangest. I'm sorry you that's so odd. That's the strange. I'm sorry you just saw me quitting. Nice to meet you.

But I'm still a classy guy, that's what I'll say. Yeah, I don't know, it was weird. When I saw that I was like, is that class? I guess. I guess, not that I would know. I wouldn't expect that ever to happen in a million years. So like I wouldn't categorize it as anything like class, but I suppose. I guess. I don't categorize it as anything like class, but I suppose.

I guess. I mean. I don't know. Maybe they were apologizing. Unless you're the one who fired him. You're the reason that they got fired. Maybe. Or they did quit, they did quit. Okay, I also feel like that was the server,

the employee bringing them to that table. You know when your friend's over and you're like, oh, I'm not gonna get yelled at because my friend's here, and then your parents are like, how do we separate you from your friends so I can yell at you? I feel like that was like, can you sit right there so that my managers don't yell at me?

I'm gonna put you at the empty table in this empty restaurant all the way in the back next to me as I have this awkward conversation. And then shook your hand to say thank you. Yeah, got a good handshake out of it. Man, that is weird. All right, so strange. Okay, my next one here is from Gregory, good old Gregory, sent one in a four star review of McDonald's

in Chaska, Minnesota. Okay. C-H-A-S-K-A Chaska. I feel like that's what they'd say. Probably. Probably not. Four stars. I'm giving this place a four star review

only for the fact that Lorena, the lady who had just taken my order, was so nice. I could tell she was newer and this location was getting busy with her morning commute rush. However, I'm very disappointed in what I witnessed as I came up to the first window to pay. She was getting yelled at for not answering in a timely manner. This manager, or whoever she was, yelled at her to the point that she made this nice girl cry and want to quit on the spot.

That to me is unacceptable and I feel Lorena deserves an apology. I get that it's busy, and it's the holidays, and everyone gets short-staffed. I worked in the fast food industry and retail for many years, and no one, and I mean no one, deserves that treatment no matter the situation. Lorena, keep shining. You got this, girl. End of review. Aw! I didn't expect that to get to my heart, man.

I know. So that one, technically, no one actually quit or got fired, but I'm like, Gregory, that one is, that was a class. That was be sent to a review full of class. Lorena, keep shining. Keep, keep. I loved that. I love that. Honestly, I should've saved it for the end. It was Beeson's overview full of class. Lorena, keep shining. I loved that.

Honestly, I should have saved it for the end. It was such a good positive. I feel like Lorena needs to be like, see, I don't need to respond to any drive-through orders. I'm doing just fine. Just kidding. But I also love that this will not stand four stars. I'm going to make my voice heard here.

I'm going to drop a whole star off this McDonald's review. They probably don't wanna, you know, hey, they might be like, don't shoot the messenger. Like, not even the messenger. Like, hey, the only person getting consequences would be this employee if I give a one star review. Yeah, she doesn't want Lorena to get into more trouble. I respect it.

How's she gonna keep shining? Okay. I respect it. I love that. How's she gonna keep shining? Okay, my next one is also from Gregory and this is a one-star review of a Panda Express in Crestwood, Illinois Man, this is fun. I just love it. We're all over the place. I know My girlfriend worked an eight-hour shift yesterday on her break at 6 I told her that I would come and visit her, so I did, and I ended up waiting almost 30 minutes to an hour because of how busy it was. So I went and sat in the car and waited on her. She finally came out with her lunch, ate it, and rushed back in to work. The next day, she was fired for apparently stealing the lunch in which

she came outside with and ate. I am under the impression that Panda Express employees get a free lunch for every five hours that they work. She also told me that she never finished her module slash training and was not told that she would be terminated for not ringing in her food. I believe they assumed she brought the food out to me so they got rid of her. I even took a photo of her eating the food in my car

with my newly purchased iPhone XR that I was showing to her. Ha ha ha! That's like a plot point in a kind of a poorly written, or like when you need to force a story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about he just got a brand new phone and he wants to show off how good the picture is? In that way, he'll have a picture later.

Oh, god. It's so funny that it's like photo evidence by accident. Yeah. It's just so silly. On an there's like photo evidence by accident. It's just so silly. On an iPhone X, how crisp. Yeah, so true. It upsets me that the wrongful judgment of character would result in such termination when employees eat free with no written warning or verbal warning. I politely called the store manager just to let them know that there was a misunderstanding with their employee.

And she told me that since I did not work for Panda Express that she cannot discuss store policy with me. She thanked me for calling and then rushed me off of the phone. I was not aware that Panda Express treats its employees this way. I will not consider eating nor referring anyone to Panda Express ever again. End of review. Well, that's too bad. Yeah, it's just a shitty situation.

I don't mean it's too bad that they'll never eat Panda Express again. I don't really care about that. mean it's too bad that they'll never eat pandex for us again, I don't really care about that. But it's too bad that this happened. Also, I feel like it's kind of telling when you say, she'd never finish her training, how was she supposed to know that she never finished? I'm assuming that was not her choice or doing. Yeah, I don't, I, the way it was put.

She never finished the training, how was she supposed to know? They're not even training her right. I didn't take it to mean like, yeah. It's like, remember never finished the training, how is she supposed to know? They're not even training her right. I didn't take it to mean like, yeah. It's like, remember when we would have to take, this is gonna sound so bad, but remember when we'd have to take like, at least before I,

God, maybe this just makes me sound so fucking old, but I had to take like a pre-college alcohol course to learn about alcohol before I went to college. It was like some online, it was something weird like that, like an online program. But like I figured out you could, because I'm always looking for a fucking shortcut,

I figured out you could like hit some button and then like leave and it would like ding when it was done. I don't remember, but I didn't watch a single video because I just love to play. And then I was like, ha ha. I probably didn't serve me any good to not watch it, but. I was so straight edged, I probably paid full attention. Yeah, you probably took notes.

I probably did. Yeah, anyway, that's all. I don't know if I did something like that, huh? I think I was just mad that they were making me do it because I was like. Was this the university making you do that? Yeah, it was like a freshman, like an incoming freshman like requirement or something stupid. Yeah, it was like a freshman, like an incoming freshman

like requirement or something stupid. Yeah, I don't know. This is also in like 08 09. So I mean, the Internet was very exciting. And people were like, let's do everything here, including talk about alcohol poisoning. I don't know. Nice.

Good times. It was. My next one is from Brad who says, I hope these reviews get you fired up or at least give you a good chuckle. Unlike the time I ate a bunch of food coloring and had to go to the doctor's. He said I would be fine, but honestly,

I felt like I died a little inside. What, Brad said that? Yeah, you're not getting, are you getting any of the jokes in here? No. Sorry, okay. I'll start from the beginning and explain each joke. I hope these reviews get you fired up

because the reviews are about people getting fired, okay? Or at least give you a good chuckle. And then said, unlike the time I ate a bunch of food coloring and had to go to the doctor's, he said I would be fine, but honestly, I felt like I died, spelled D-Y-E-D, a little inside because of all the food coloring.

Oxenar, when you just read that without any pauses, I was like, what the fuck is Brad, is he okay? He's not okay. Even with the pauses, I don't think he's okay. I mean, I also have a rash on my arm right now from too much food coloring. That's nice. So I get it.

I'm also dyed inside. Okay, you said it a little different, but yeah. This is a, I also don't think Brad's okay because of this content that he sent in. Here is a review of SB Evolution Landscape. I'm gonna read the original review and then read the owner response and go back and forth a little bit

because the owner response definitely gives some context as to who this reviewer is. I cannot wait. I love these. And not in a good way. And not in a good way. You know, it's this reviewer. Of course.

Here's the original review. And this is of a landscaping company. OK. Terrible company. They do a butcher job every time and kill way more plants than necessary. They use a huge crew that is disrespectful to the environment and uses all unnecessary power tools to do the terrible job that they do. To add to that, some of their crew is terribly rude. They

ignore you and even blow you with their leaf blowers, accidentally, when you try to call the management to discuss the rude behavior. They defend their employees and blame you for the rudeness. Truly a terrible landscaping company. Avoid them. End of review. That's hilarious to me. They blow you with a leaf blower accidentally. Yes. No, we all know it was intentional. I hope you know that.

And then here is, here is, I think the original. It's very confusing because it's like call response type thing. But the way that each person edited their post is different than the other. So it's like heart to piece what is a response to what. But I believe this is the response to that original review. We might find out in the middle that there is something missing. We'll find out. Here we go. Hello. This is truly a bizarre incident with untrue claims of the events you described. Our company has serviced your apartment complex for a year and a half where you reside as a tenant and we have received no complaints from other tenants or the management company.

On the contrary, tenants in the management company have praised our service. Frankly, the landscape looks great. There has been a vast improvement since our company took over. We understand you are in the process of being evicted by management. For issues I will not discuss here that have negatively affected neighbors, service providers, management, and my crew.

And landscapers. Yeah, exactly. Holy shit. Then they go into the details of the actual landscaping that they did, but here we go. When our crew was working at the complex, you approached the leader aggressively, yelling and insulting him and the rest of the crew.

He turned away scared from you to avoid confrontation. After reading your review and learning about the threats you made to my crew, I visited the complex in order to inspect the landscape and to address the matter because we take all customer complaints very seriously I politely presented myself to you and offered to resolve your unsatisfactory experience I did not harass intimidate or threaten you in any way your response was defensive and irrational I've written a report of the incident to provide to the police of the factual accounts of the events

There are many more details. I have not disclosed here. And then they signed it, but what was missing is I guess part of this next original review or what they had to say. Oh my Lord. Don't worry, there's another response. Here we go. Okay.

You got this. Jorge, you were fired for your unacceptable behavior. You did not terminate services, you liar. I have the emails to prove it, so keep lying. Jorge was trespassing off the clock at our front door over a Yelp review, so yes, we felt harassed and called the police. The proper way to handle that

without further conflict or violence, according to the authorities. You lied about us being evicted. Your video shows only you approaching our front door, asking for me by name, which is threatening off the bat. We had every right to call the authorities and have you removed from our property. The way you are handling this negative review is showing how petty and childish you actually are. If you had just apologized for your employee who blew the leafblower on me and pretended he didn't see me instead of deny and defend your inappropriate actions like Donald Trump would do, you can try and pretend we are the ones who were erratic but

nobody should ever show up at someone's front door over a Yelp review. I am following up with the police. Also to say your crew has improved the look of the complex is a complete joke. It would be blooming with wildflowers all over if your crew hadn't killed them time and time again. And then Jorge has this to say. Update. Okay wait, first of all, hold on. I'm sorry. I just want to give you a brief moment to catch your breath but... And maybe try to piece together what the fuck is going on. Yeah so okay so they clearly they wrote a. They were all pissed off that somebody blew a leaf blower on them, said they didn't see them, they don't believe it. So the guy came down, escalation, whatever,

and then they wrote this review, and the person came to the complex, which, like, yes, okay. If somebody came to my, somebody comes to my front door, I'm immediately threatened, okay? And that's a me problem, like, I know that. I would say, though, legally, if somebody just rings your doorbell and asks for you by name, that's probably not a threat,

and it's probably not considered illegal, I don't think. And what's funny is, according to Jorge, that's not even what happened. Oh, okay, great, okay. But yes, no, and the thing though, that I think is very important context that the reviewer completely left out is the fact that this isn't even the person's property.

They're not in the person's apartment. This is like, they have an apartment on this management company's property and the management company hires this business and it seems to be, you know, there's no evidence that they're unhappy with the service. They're eradicating the wildflowers just like they wanted. Also, I picture this person as like, oh, they're They're eradicating the wildflowers just like they wanted. Exactly, doing the Lord's work.

I picture this person as like, oh, they're just so upset about the wildflowers that they're throwing themselves on the wildflowers. Don't use those power tools to murder all the wildflowers, you know, like how you'd hug a tree or chain yourself to a tree. Yeah. It seems like they have an issue with the landscaping

and are taking it out on the employees, even though this is probably what the management company want. Like, you know, I don't think this landscaping company is, like, has the final say of what they do. This vendetta against wildflowers, yeah. But the landscaping company stands by their work, so I don't know.

Anyway, here is. Yeah, they stand by it with a giant leaf blower. And if anyone even starts to contradict. Exactly. So here is a final thing I'm going to contradict. Exactly. So here is a final thing I'm going to read about this. I almost didn't bring this because it was kind of convoluted. And I closed it and then opened it again, read it,

closed it, opened it again. I'm like, I don't even know where to start. I'm so glad that we did. We love a good story. So here's the final part from Jorge. Update. Bizarre storytelling continues. Hello. You... I don't know who this is. Somebody. A new name that is not anyone. Maria. I don't know who that is. You, Maria, and I have video that clearly shows me politely inquiring to resolve the claims you made while inspecting the landscape at the apartment complex you reside as a tenant.

I have yet to be contacted by the police and will provide my full statement along with video evidence that visibly shows me in the parking lot, approximately 25 feet away from the front door of the second story complex. Oh my God. Maria inside the apartment and you running down and up the stairs on the phone. It was best to terminate service due to reasons best for all parties. We do not accept harassment, prejudice, racism, slurs, or any negative derogatory insults from tenants,

clients, or people. I wish you love, peace, and happiness respectfully Jorge Cortez." So, yeah. End of the thing, by the way. What the fuck is going on here? So basically they're like, this person apparently used slurs towards

either Jorge himself or his employees who were working there, and they ended up ending their services there because of these issues. So anyway, and apparently it was not even close to the front door when all this went down. Like it's crazy. I think they terminated their services

because she was just running up and down the stairs and they were like, this is untenable. I don't know how we can keep working here. I can't watch this happen anymore. It's yeah, I would like to watch that footage, though. The footage of Maria inside, whoever that is inside the apartment, this guy out in the courtyard and then this person just running up and down the stairs. It seems like a comedy of errors.

It does. And if it weren't filled with slurs and racism. No, that's the thing is, I've seen so too many videos on like Tiktok or whatever of people harassing people working on not even their own homes, like neighbors homes and stuff. Like, what are you doing in this neighborhood? You don't belong here. Like flat out racist bullshit. Like Karen lemonade stand.

I like it's just so stressful to watch. And like I've seen them where they're like, are you are you legal here? Are you legal? And then and the one person like, are you asking here? Are you legal? And then, and the one person like, are you asking us that because we're Hispanic? And the person literally says, yes, of course. Not even trying to hide the fact

that they're just being flat out. I mean, you really can't hide it at that point. Anyway, that's- What are you gonna say? No. As far, I don't know that that's happening here, but I've seen so many of those situations that I'm like, I can't imagine that this person's reviewer

was treating them with any respect. Yeah, it's probably funnier to imagine it and be like, all right, let's take Jorge's peace love, we're out of here and just move on. But wow, I mean. It's so shitty, you know, it's so shitty. Yeah, it feels, I wonder if they were actually evicted. I know, right?

It's like, Jorge did say that and I do trust some of what he says. So I don't know how much of it is true. Me too. But it could also be like one of the neighbors like, oh, yeah, we're trying to evict this person. This person is crazy. Or Maria was like, yeah, now you see what I deal with every time.

Yeah, exactly. I'm like, but Maria is inside though. Is it inside that person's apartment? Like, if they live together? I can't even tell. I she came over to like address. I have no idea. Also like don't address these concerns if you don't want the person to show up

and try to fix it. Like that's what bothers me too is I usually don't even go there. Like I usually don't make a complaint unless like I would like a response because I'm not just gonna scream into the ether and then like into the void. And then when someone responds,

be like, how dare you? You know, it's like,, don't start it then. Yeah, you gotta be ready for that. Yeah, if you wanna complain about them and the work they do, then they're gonna probably show up to the complex and look around. Well, that's the thing is apparently, it seems like they're at the complex anyway.

I mean, I do see that they were trying to figure out what's, hey, what's the deal here? What's this person's problem with the owner? And not only that, it's not just because of the Yelp review. This person had talked to his employees and was like, oh, they were harassing my employee. It was deeper, I think, than just like, oh, a Yelp review triggered all this.

It was like, well, no, probably your treatment of these people working on the landscaping, plus this review that all hurts their business. Like you're actively hurting their business. Like you're purposefully doing that. That's the point of these one-star reviews. Like I don't know what else, like calling them out for things, that's what happens.

But anyways. And that's also what like a door is for, like just hide in your apartment. If this happened, if I submitted a complaint, like wine drunk one night, and then like they came to my house, I would just hide and I would just hide. And guess what?

You would never hear from me again. I'd be gone. I'd evict myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd fake my death. So that they, yeah. And then I'd rent the apartment again for cheaper. Because they thought someone died there.

And I'll just wear a fake. Be like, well, what about this decomp stain? I would like my, I would like 20% off my deposit. Thank you. Like, how did you know about that decomp stain? Cause that was just a bunch of pee that was left in a puddle on the floor. Wasn't even decomp.

Gross. So strange, really? I thought it was decomp. Anyway, here's my last one. Anyway, step aside. I'm putting my fake pot plant up. And I want to add some some livelihood to this sad apartment.

That'll do it. My last one was from Gregory. And this is of Ben and Jerry's in Daytona Beach. Ben and Jerry's, the ice cream in Daytona Beach Florida. This is a one-star review with a owner response. The employees are terrible. They are rude. Every time I try to place an order, it is never there. Their system is down, they always say. I paid for the food and showed it. They wouldn't even make it. They told me to just cancel it. This is the worst location I've ever seen.

In my opinion, should be shut down. End of review, and here's the owner response. You got fired for stealing. End of response. Okay, I was like, where does the firing come in? Did they get somebody fired? They got fired? Fuck, oh my god.

Supposedly, yes. They didn't, hey, they didn't, this is their only review and they don't have a profile picture and their location is Florida, Florida. So, I'm inclined to believe that they created this account for the sole purpose of reviewing this and then probably didn't respond

because they probably didn't even realize that the owner responded. They just posted this and left and then like forgot the gmail account or whatever that they made for it yeah they they they've been yelping since march 2023 this review was written march 2023 and no comp no content after that so was this very not recommended no unfortunately for the owner but um it's still pretty, it's funny. I'm glad that it was out here. I feel like that's kind of a dirty move, though, if that's not the case, to just comment and be like,

you got fired from here. I feel like you could do that, even if it's not true. Anytime someone like a really suspicious review pops up, this person might not respond. You're like, oh yeah. Yeah, this person got fired for stealing. So yeah, prove you didn't. Yeah.

Yeah, so true. Wow, Alexander, that was really good though. To find somebody who was fired. Wow, to find someone on Yelp who was fired. That was pretty good. Honestly, there were a lot, because I found a lot of my own that just weren't good. You know, like they weren't very interesting.

It was like, ugh, like an employee quit mid-shift, blah, blah, blah, complaints about food and stuff. Like, oh, the service is terrible. An employee even quit mid-shift. Like it wasn't, they would say like, oh, they caused such a scene, but without telling me what the scene was. It drove me crazy.

Come on, paint a picture with your words, people. It drove me crazy. We need more detail. This is why Yelp has a minimum word count. They want you to paint an evocative picture for us all. So true. I want to hear what dishes were flung across the room. I want to hear who's in the hospital.

I want to hear. I want pictures. Yeah, I want to see.'s in the hospital. I wanna hear. I want pictures. Yeah, I wanna see, I wanna see, I wanna feel it. I honestly wanna feel it. I want you to describe it to me in such a way that I can feel it deep down inside me. You to fire Alexander, that's what I want. Fire me, make me feel it.

I've been fired before. Have you? I have, I was working as a, I was one of those people on the street who was bothering people. Oh, yeah. A canvasser. And I was in DC, and it was for a company

that they sold a subscription to local environmentally friendly businesses. And you would pay for the subscription, and then at all of these businesses across the city, you'd get like a discount. And honestly, I actually, that's one of those things that I'm like, I still think back to that. I'm like, that was a pretty good deal.

Like these small businesses were working together. It was a way for them to get their name out. Like it was a good thing. Like I don't feel shady about selling that subscription. Like, I don't know. Anyway, I don't even remember what it was fucking called. But like. Well you couldn't feel very shady about selling it

since you apparently didn't, because you got fired, so. Oh yeah, no, I was just so bad at it. I was also not outgoing at all. I just moved to DC. I was so stressed. I have terrible news. Outside my Walmart, they've started setting up a table and every day there's like a different charity there like requesting donations and they're very pushy.

As they like, they have to be, like you have as they have to be, you have to be. So I'm not accusing them, but it just makes me so anxious that now I have to go through the drive through of the pharmacy, which I just, anyway, my life has gotten immeasurably more difficult as a result. I'm so sorry. Thank you. I have to sit in my air conditioned car.

Those fucking charities, I'm sick of it. I fucking hate charities. I'm so sick of these charities. It's like, what do you even want from me? And they're like $5. Yeah, but what do you really want from me? What do you really want? You want my info or something?

Some awareness, some educating. You know what's helped though, is learning about these charities that I don't really want to support. Oh, it makes it a lot easier. Because then I'm like, oh no, you know what? I feel good about not giving you money. You're like, you don't feel that guilt. Giving money elsewhere already, like online.

But you don't look like it, you don't feel like an asshole, you know? Yeah, and same with when they ask me if I wanna round up to like add a CVS or something. Oh, never. I'm like, fuck no. You CVS fucks. You pay your own fucking money to...

You have so much fucking money. Why are you trying to guilt me into doing it? Which I already do by myself. I don't need you to stamp your name on my donations. Thank you, that makes me crazy. Fuck that. I'm like, don't you put that you donated all this money. They're gonna be like, oh we donated this much money to kids for blah blah blah. It's like, no, I donated 13 cents 4,000 times.

Exactly. Don't even pretend. Exactly. That's what I told the guy and he's like, I'm just shopping for vitamin water. And I was like, oh. Oh, yeah. Misplaced anger. Anyway.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah. I didn't even talk about me getting fired. So I was pretty good at the start. And then I just kind of fell off, because I was like, what the f- How do you do this? He fell off a curb.

Tissed at his ankle. I did not do that. I just didn't have the because I was like, what the, how do you do this? How do you? He fell off a curb, kissed it his ankle. No. I did not do that. I just didn't have the ability to sell it to people. Well the worst part is I think I never bought a subscription. I remember like- Well you didn't have the money. I mean it wasn't that expensive.

Oh sure I didn't. No, definitely didn't. Why would you? I think I probably offered like half-heartedly and you were like, no, but it's fine. Yeah, no, it was not great. And then my numbers were so low, they just called me once and it was pretty, I was kind of relieved.

I cried. I remember being really upset at myself because I got fired. But then I was like, oh, but wait, that means I don't have to work. You don't have to do it ever again. Sweet. And then I was like, yeah. And then I needed money.

That's what they don't tell you about getting fired, is it means you don't have to work anymore, which is so nice. Nobody ever talks about the silver lining of that. It would be funny if he called and was like, hey, good news. You don't have to work anymore. You're fired. I feel like that definitely has happened in a second.

I'm like, great news. You're not working in the office today, or any day ever. Bad news is you won't ever be on your band from the premises. Or anywhere for us ever again. Yeah. Oh, no. Good job, Zandy. That was a good one.

I like that challenge. It was fun. It was a good one. I liked that challenge. It was fun. It was a fun one. Thanks, Mahaleigh, Brad, and Gregory for your help. And team. And team, thanks to my team. Thanks for my team, because yeah,

you all found the good ones that didn't have just lame, oh yeah, someone got fired. Yeah, yeah. With no info. They did the dirty work for us. So yeah, a little closing out thing, y'all. If you want to support us on Patreon, patreon.com slash Beach Two Sandy.

We have ad-free listening, full video episodes. We tell you the themes in advance. We get your input on themes. You can send us in reviews, a submission form with a secret password. We're proud of that. We worked really hard. It's a new password every month. It took not weirdly that long, but like, we did well.

I'm surprised. I'm pretty proud of it. I'm impressed by us. I thought there'd be a lot more bumps in that road. Yeah, Zannie and I worked pretty hard on that whole calendar form process, because we had to figure out the best streamlined way of doing it,

but yeah, I think we did pretty good. It worked for the first month. We have not had that knock on many issues. So far, I'm loving it. It's so great. It's a lot easier. And then other than that, y'all, we are on tour, and we really want to see you at your cities.

Portland and Seattle are sold out, so be sure to get your tickets to the other places. We're going to Charlotte. We're going to Philly. We're going to Cincinnati, and Columbus, Chicago, St. Louis, a bunch of other places. Charlotte. Atlanta, I said Charlotte. Oh.

Atlanta. We're going to a bunch of places. Philly. DC, Philly. Oh my god, so excited for those. Y'all, I think I said Philly twice then. Anyway, come see us live, beachusanny.com slash tour. We would love to see you.

The shows are always different. They're always fun. They're always ridiculous. And yeah, it's gonna be a good time. Yeah, and then other than that, go to youtube.com slash beach two sandy water two wet because we have all of our challenges sections are now on video. You can watch the whole thing in video.

Our wonderful Zoe who does the social media and a lot of the video editing. Our producer, our video, just so much shit. Just does so much and has started putting them up on YouTube so you can watch that part separately from audio if you want. And fun clips too. Also on TikTok, Instagram, et cetera.

So yeah, anyway, I think that covers it all. Beachusanity.store for a merch, summer merch. I think it covers it all. Anyway, one more thing. I think now I'm done. I'm sorry, everyone. No, we covers it all. Beach2Sandy.store for a merch, summer merch. I think it covers it all anyway. One more thing. I think now I'm done. I'm sorry. No, we appreciate you all. Thank you for listening. Okay, we love you. Bye. Beach2Sandy Water Touette is a Forever Dogg production hosted and produced by Zandi and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, Executive Produced by Zoe Applebaum. For Everdog Productions, it's Joe Silio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.